Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

America Undercover

911 Operator V/O…..Maya Rudolph
Gator…..Chris Kattan
Officer…..John Goodman
Officer 2…..Dean Edwards
Gator’s Wife…..Amy Poehler

911 Operator V/O: 911, what’s the problem, sir?

Gator V/O: My wife won’t get out of the stove.

911 Operator V/O: She trying to kill herself, sir?

Gator V/O: No… she just won’t get out of the stove.

911 Operator V/O: Okay, we’ll send somebody around.

[ dissolve to Officers entering Gator’s white trash kitchen ]

Officer: Police. We got a call about a domestic disturbance.

Gator: Come on in. She won’t come out of the stove.

Officer: Ma’am, why are you in the stove?

Gator’s Wife: Why don’t you ask him. Why don’t you ask him why I’m in the stove.

Gator: She got mad at me ’cause I wanted to do an experiment on her. She been in there for like four hours.

Officer: Ma’am, you ready to come out here and talk this out?

Gator’s Wife: …yeah.

Officer: Do you want to step out of the stove, please?

Gator’s Wife: Okay, I’ll get out of the stove. I’m sorry about this, Officer. Baby, c’mere, honey. I love you… I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SON OF A WHORE! I’M GONNA KILL YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!

Officer: Calm down. Calm down. Alright. Now what’s the story here?

Gator’s Wife: He come home drunk again trying to do some experiment. Some fool at work told him you could rub a balloon on somebody’s head and stick it to the wall.

Gator: It’s called static electricity!

Gator’s Wife: THAT AIN’T REAL!

Officer: Ma’am, static electricity IS real. It’s as real as toothpaste. You should learn about them both.

Gator’s Wife: All I know is, he started searching around lookin’ fer a balloon fer his experiment. Starts going through my boudoirsorie, finds an old condom of mine from like ten years ago and starts going nuts!

Gator: YOU WAS HAVIN’ SEX WITH JESSE AGAIN!

Gator’s Wife: YOU’RE SO STUPID! JESSE HATES CONDOMS! C’mon!

Gator: Officer. Officer. I apologize on behalf of the lady. The truth of the matter is, she’s jealous of my experiments. ‘Cause I’m always thinking about science. I love science. And outer space….and rockets. I believe man is destined to evolve.

Officer: Well, some men are.

Gator’s Wife: I’ll tell you something, I want a big ole strong man like this, I’m gonna git in. I’m gonna drive it. Love it.

Officer: Ma’am, Ma’am please. Let’s keep this personal. I’ve got a beautiful wife and I can’t go home smelling like Jack Daniels and Easy-Off.

Gator: YOU QUIT TOUCHIN’ HIM!

Gator’s Wife: I CAN TOUCH WHOEVER I WANT!!

Gator: YOU’LL TOUCH MY FIST WITH YOUR FEMUR!!

Gator’s Wife: NO!! NO!! C’MON! YOU GIT!

Gator: Officer. Officer. Please. Let me talk to my woman. I’m a peaceful man. I like winter. I like fountains. I don’t wanna cause no trouble. Just let me talk to my woman if I might.

OFFICER 2: Alright, but no fighting.

Gator: No, sir. I love you so much…

Gator’s Wife: I HATE YOU!

GATOR spits in WIFE’s face

Officer: Aww, no spitting. Hey. Hey. Hey. Aww. No spitting.

Gator: I’M GONNA GO PEE ON YOUR SHOE!

Gator’s Wife: NO! THAT’S MY WORK SHOE!!

Officer 2: Whoa whoa whoa! That’s enough! That’s enough.

Gator: I’m still peeing on it!

Gator’s Wife: NO!

Officer: Alright, we’re not playing around anymore. Ma’am, do you want to press charges?

Gator’s Wife: (crying) I don’t wanna press charges! I love him!

Gator: I love her! I love her so much! I lost my thumb in a firecracker incident, and this woman gave me her big toe so I could have a big thumb.

Gator’s Wife: I can’t wear flip flops no more but my baby’s happy.

Gator: Oh, god, I love you so hard. I wanna start a fire just to save you from it.

Gator’s Wife: Baby, you light my cigarettes, and you kill me but I can’t quit ya.

Officer: Okay, you two have obviously worked this out.

Gator: I love you, I wanna lick your face so hard.

Gator’s Wife: I wanna suck your toe thumb.

Gator: Baby, if you love me so much, you’ll let me do this to you.

Gator’s Wife: What you gonna do baby?

(Gator rubs balloon on WIFE’s head)

Gator’s Wife: NO!!!!!! NO YOU GONNA ELECTROCUTE ME!!!!

Gator: NO I DON’T WANNA ELECTROCUTE YOU! YOU COME HERE!

Gator’s Wife: I’M GONNA GET BACK IN THE STOVE!

Gator: SHAZBOT! SHAZBOT!!!!

Submitted by: Joshua Taylor

SNL Transcripts

01l: Britney Spears

Inside Barbie’s Dreamhouse

Barbie…..Amy Poehler
Skipper…..Britney Spears
Ken…..Chris Kattan
Announcer…..Rachel Dratch

[Light flute music plays as we fade in on a shot of a pink and purple dollhouse in a girl’s room]

Announcer: And now we go inside Barbie’s Dreamhouse!

[ open on Barbie, wearing a green nightgown with clear high heels, trying on one of her hair gems and looking at herself in the mirror ]

Barbie: Skipper, do you think this hair gem makes me look old?

[Skipper enters the room, wearing a pink, see-through negligee]

Skipper: [ cheerfully ] No, Barbie, don’t be silly!

Barbie: Skipper, I’m 43. At some point, a glow-in-the-dark, dark crystal, bejeweled butterfly tiara is.. is just a little ridiculous.

Skipper: [changes the subject] Can I have the keys to the ‘Vette? I’m going out.

Barbie: [ stern ] Not like that, you’re not.

Skipper: It’s a post-pajama fun party!

Barbie: Mmm-hmm.. [points to Skipper’s bare feet] You’re not even wearing shoes!

Skipper: [ looks down ] I lost all my shoes.

Barbie: Who’s gonna be at this “pajama fun party”?

Skipper: Everybody!

Barbie: Who’s “everybody”?

Skipper: Well, Jam ‘N Glam Theresa, and Ski Sensation [hesitates]…Kira, and Glitter Fun Kristy, and Ethnic Kristy.

Barbie: Are there gonna be boys there? “Action guys”?

Skipper: [ naive ] I don’t know..

Barbie: Who’s gonna be there? X-Men? Rescue Heroes? Ultimate Soldier?

Skipper: I don’t know.. there might be some collectible Hobbits.

Barbie: [puts her foot down] No way! You’re not going!

Skipper: What are you talking about?

Barbie: You’re staying here, and you’re staying out of trouble!

Skipper: Barbie, you’re not the boss of me!

Barbie: I don’t want you making the same mistakes I made!

Skipper: Barbie, I’m nothing like you!

Barbie: You are just like me, Skipper! You’re my daughter!

Skipper: [stands up, stunned over the news] What did you say?

Barbie: Skipper, Skipper.. [ they both walk behind the Barbie couch ] I’m your mother. [holds Skipper by the upper arms]

Skipper: No, you’re not! [shoves Barbie’s hands away from her] You’re my sophisticated older sister, Barbie!

Barbie: Honey, I know it’s always been “Skipper! She’s Barbie’s little sister!” “Barbie’s kid sis, Skipper!” But you’re old enough to know now—I’m your mother. Haven’t you ever wondered why we look so much alike? Or why we’re both double-jointed?

[ they each lift a leg clear past their head ]

Skipper: Oh, my God! You told me mom died in an Easy-Bake Oven accident.

Barbie: Sit down, sweetheart..

[ they drop their legs back into place, then walk around to sit on the couch ]

Barbie: I’m sorry I told you those thinga. I was young.. I was alone.. G.I. Joe was in Vietnam.. Ken was in Canada.

Skipper: So, so, does this mean Ken’s my father?

Barbie: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. [laughs] Ken’s not your father. The 70’s were a crazy time! I experimented a lot. Your father is a Han Solo action figure.

Skipper: [horrified by the revelation] He’s not even our scale! What kind of slut are you?!

[ Barbie gasps and slaps Skipper across the face. Skipper falls over with a dazed stare on her face ]

Barbie: How dare you talk to me like that! I have given my whole life to getting you the best of everything! Don’t you have a Sparkle Fantast Unicorn! Don’t you live in a Dream House!

Skipper: It’s not my dream! It’s your dream!

[ Barbie runs across the room and cries rapidly while Skipper cries on the couch ]

[ A moody Ken enters and slams the door behind him]

Ken: Hello.

Barbie: What, Ken?

Ken: I need my tux.

Barbie: Fine!

Ken: Where?

Barbie: Upstairs.

Ken: You.. look tired.

Barbie: Ken, please..

[ Ken turns and exits upstairs ]

[ Barbie strolls back over to Skipper ]

Barbie: Did you know how many jobs I took to take care of you? I was a teacher, a ballerina, an astronaut, a princess, a competitive skater. [sits down next to Skipper] Don’t you remember that time I was a business lady? I had a suit and a briefcase! I raised those Lhasa Apsos for a while—that was a bust. It was all for you, because I love you. [ extends a stiff arm to stroke Skipper’s hair ]

Skipper: I’m gonna need some time to process this.

[ Ken returns downstairs carrying a suit in a pink dry-cleaning bag]

Ken: Don’t call me. I’ll be in Malibu.

Barbie: Ken! What have you got in there? Is that one of my Bob Mackies?

Ken: [quickly] No. [ runs ]

Barbie: Sneaky little queen!

Ken: Plastic bitch! [ exits quickly ]

Barbie: [ grabs Skipper’s hands ] Sweetheart.. go to your party, okay? Have a good time, and we’ll talk when you get back.

Skipper: [ shakes head] No. I want to stay here with you.. Mom.

Barbie: [ elated ] Mom?

Skipper: We could brush each other’s hair!

Barbie: I’d really like that!

[ they stand up and retrieve the Barbie hairbrush from the coffee table ]

Skipper: Hey, Mom? Kelly and [flubs saying “Baby Chrissy”] Baby Really—Chrissy, they’re not really your sisters, though, are they?

Barbie: [ as she combs Skipper’s hair ] No. Kelly and Baby Chrissy aren’t my sisters. I-I had a threeway with some Power Rangers.

[Skipper shakes her head as Barbie brushes her hair]

[fade]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2

01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

My Girlfriend the Porn Star

Josh…..Seann William Scott
Sara…..Amy Poehler
Waiter…..Seth Meyers
Kitchen Staffer…..Tracy Morgan

[ open on couple talking in a restaurant ]

Josh: So I said, “I thought this was a faculty meeting, not Operation: Jerk Me Around!”

[ they both laugh at Josh’s story ]

Sara: You really said that?

Josh: Well.. no. But, uh — yeah, at least I thought it..

Sara: That’s great! I’m having a wonderful time, Josh.

Josh: Yeah. These last three months have been great. You know, you’re really beautiful.

Sara: Thank you. Hey, can I ask you a question?

Josh: You can ask me anything? You know that.

Sara: [ relunctantly ] When do you think.. it’s a good time to mention in a relationship.. that you’ve done some porn?

Josh: What?

Sara: Just — like, like — how long do you think, like, in a relationship you should wait before you tell somebody that you did a little porn?

Josh: Like porn movies?

Sara: No, like porn cartoons! [ laughs ] Forget it. [ opens her menu ] Anyway, did you see “West Wing”?

Josh: Wait —

Sara: It was so preachy!

Josh: Back up a second. Do you have something to tell me?

Sara: I don’t know, do I?

Josh: Sara –

Sara: Okay, fine.. I did some porn! I did a porn movie! There, I said it! God, what a relief! Whoo!

Josh: [ stunned ] Wow..

Sara: Are you okay?

Josh: Yeah.. I mean, it’s a little shocking, but.. I’m glad you were honest with me. I mean, I respect you no matter.. what decisions you made in the past.

Sara: Well.. I guess, technically, this afternoon was the past.

Josh: [ shocked ] Wait! You’re doing porn movies now?!

Sara: No, not now. I mean, not right now, not this second! We’re eating, thank you! [ laughs ]

Josh: Let me understand you here, okay? You’re still making films where you have sex with actors?

Sara: Oh, honey, they’re not actors. They couldn’t act their way out of a paper bag! They’re just, like, hustlers and transients with huge dongs, it’s not a big deal.

Waiter: Are you guys ready to order?

Sara: Oh, yeah. I think I’m gonna have the beef steaka..

Waiter: Wait. Don’t I know you from somewhere?

Josh: What?

Sara: I don’t know.. um.. [ thinking ] Are you in charge of the Cheerleader Audition?

Waiter: Yeah! “American Hair Pie 2”! Oh, my God! I knew that was you! You are great! Oh, my God, I can’t wait to tell the guys in the kitchen! [ runs out of scene ]

Josh: This is embarrassing.

Sara: I’m not embarrassed you teach kindergarten!

Josh: Why would you, Sara? My job doesn’t consist of having sex with strangers and videotaping it!

Sara: Josh, you fell in love with me, not the character I play in dozens and dozens of adult movies.

Josh: God, how many have you done?!

Sara: I don’t know.. about 71 in one film. [ he groans ] I’m sorry, you meant movies? Um.. this is upsetting you. Let’s just drop it, okay?

Josh: No, wait. I don’t want a relationship with a porn star!

Sara: I am not a porn star.. [ crosses fingers ] ..yet.

Josh: You know what? I always thought it would be kind of cool to date a porn star, but now that I am, it sucks!

Sara: Josh, I love you! When we have times together, it’s making love! With all those other guys, they’re just giving it to me hard, over and over! And they only do that so other people can get off on it! Think about it!

Josh: [ thinks about it ] You’re right, I guess..

Kitchen Staffer: Excuse me? Could you sign my copy of “Mandongo”?

Sara: Sure. What’s your name?

Kitchen Staffer: Mandongo! No, I’m just playing, it’s Terry!

Sara: [ signs the video box ] Here you go.

Kitchen Staffer: [ to Josh ] Could you please take a picture of me and her, please?

Sara: Honey, please?

Josh: [ sighs ] I guess not..

Kitchen Staffer: Thank you.

[ Sara bends over to pose as Terry touches her ass. The image is freeze-framed until the sketch fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

EPT Home Pregnancy Test

Senior…..Seth Meyers
Co-ed…..Amy Poehler

[ open on Senior and Co-ed sitting on couch, talking to the camera ]

Co-ed: I’m pretty anxious about it.

Senior: Me, too.

[ SUPER: “These are real people – not actors – about to find out if they’re having a baby” ]

Senior: I think I’m more nervous than Karen.

Co-ed: Kelly.

Senior: Kelly.

Co-ed: We met two weeks ago. At a bar.

Senior: Playing darts. [ nervous, sees her sweatshirt ] Do you go to Michigan?

Co-ed: My boyfriend does. [ sighs ] I, uh.. I think it’s gonna be okay, I –

[ cell phone rings, he answers it ]

Senior: Stradley? Hey! Uh.. Curt Warner, and Randy Moss..

Co-ed: Could we.. focus on this?

Senior: Later. [ hangs up ] Sorry. I’m missing my fantasy football draft. This isn’t a good time, with finals and everything..

Co-ed: Yeah. I’ve got Dave Matthews tickets in January.

Senior: Cool!

Co-ed: Yeah.

Senior: I think I can do this. You know, fatherhood is gonna be different, but –

Co-ed: [ holding the pregnancy test in her hand ] Oh, God, I’m not pregnant!

Senior: Oh! Awesome, awesome!

Together: Yay!!

Senior: [ leans over, almost for a kiss ] Uh.. my jacket. [ grabs jacket next to co-ed ] So, uh.. I’ll call you?

Co-ed: That’s okay. You don’t have to.

[ show product ]

Co-ed: I’m so psyched I’m not gonna get fat!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Anatominals

Jingle: “Anatominals
Like you and me
Anatominals
They have got to go
So let’s all come together at the Anatominal Show!”

Announcer: “Anatominals” is the sole property of NBC and NBC Productions.

Kogi Bear: Hey, Boo!

Boo: Hey, Kogi.

Kogi Bear: What’s eating you, pally pal?

Boo: I got a rash around my nads.

Kogi Bear: Have you tried using some Cort-Aid?

Boo: Yeah.

Kogi Bear: The extra strength stuff usually works.

Boo: Yeah, it still itches. I had one around my ass last week It’s this berry diet.

Kogi Bear: Shh.. I say we go find a picnic lunch.

Boo: Sounds good, Kog. But first, I gotta take a dump.

Kogi Bear: I’ll be waiting.. [ scratches his nads, then sniffs fingers ] How you doing there, Boo?

Boo: I’m getting there, Kog.

Porcupine: What’s up, Kogi?

Kogi Bear: Hey, don’t even think about it. That’s my picnic lunch. [ swipes picnic basket from tourists ]

Hey, you took my lunch!

Kogi Bear: [ sits on picnic basket, his bulge lodged between the handles ] I don’t see any basket – just this rocking chair thing!

Oh, whatever..

Kogi Bear: [ opens basket ] Mmm.. sandwiches! Hey, back away!

Ranger: Okay, Kogi, I warned you.

Kogi Bear: I did not steal this picnic lunch!

Ranger: It’s not the lunch, Kogi. It’s the dress code. You bears are breaking it, and it’s making the tourists uncomfortable. Kogi, those shorts are way too tight. You’re supposed to wear boxers.

Kogi Bear: They’re in the wash.

Boo: I think those shorts are snazzy.

[ Mindy Bear and a coyote friend walk up, nipples exposed ]

Ranger: Mindy, that’s way too mich cleavage. You and your coyote friend better put on some blouses – now!

Mindy Bear: Fine. It’s getting cold, anyway. [ puts on blouse, as her nipples protrude through the fabric one-by-one ]

[ cut to animated Lorne Michaels in SNL’s studios ]

Lorne Michaels: What am I doing? This is what it’s come to. It’s not [ bleep ] worth it. Get in here now!

[ Devil enters ]

Devil: What is it?

Lorne Michaels: Look, the deal’s off.

Devil: After 26 years?

Lorne Michaels: You never said it would get this bad. I want out.

Devil: Come on. You say that after every “SNL” movie.

Lorne Michaels: This is worse. I mean, I’m an adult.

Devil: Alright, Dumb-Dumb. But that means none of this ever happened.

Lorne Michaels: Fine.

Devil: You’ll be in a different place.

Lorne Michaels: Whatever. We’re finished.

Devil: Hmm.. okay.

[ Lorne is zapped to a different venue ]

Lorne Michaels: What the [ bleep ]?

[ Native walks past ]

Native: Thank you for the supplies!

Lorne Michaels: Hmm.. the Peace Corps. Noble. I like it. Road less traveled. [ a bee buzzes overhead ] My God! Get me a spray!

Native: A la balaki balakalunga.

Lorne Michaels: Alright, forget it.. take me back!

Devil: But let me show you the difference you’ve made had you never been born.

Lorne Michaels: Blah-di-blah-di-blip-blop. Take me back!

Devil: Okay, Dumb-Dumb. But this time it’s double eternity.

Lorne Michaels: Let’s go. [ transported back to SNL Studios, watching the Anatominals cartoon ] Uh-oh. I smell a new hit.

Jingle: “Let’s all come together
At the Anatominal Show!”

SNL Transcripts

01l: Britney Spears

A Message From Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: And now, A Message From Martha Stewart.

[ dissolve to Martha Stewart sitting in her office ]

Martha Stewart: Good evening. I’m Martha Stewart. You probably know me as the hostess of “Martha Stewart Living”, or as the preeminent arbitor of good taste in America, or even as a prominent figure in your recurring stress dreams.

But today, I am speaking to you as a captain of industry. On January 22nd, my partners, the K-Mart Corporation, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Until now, I’ve enjoyed great success with my own line of Martha Stewart products at K-Mart, which are easily identifiable because of their high-quality craftsmanship, and because they’re the only items in the store without pictures of NASCAR drivers on them. To be frank, I should have known there would be trouble, when I hitched my wagon to the corndog-eating dolts that run K-Mart. But I remain dedicated to my vision of bringing quality bedding and apothacarry jars to the underprivileged.

And I want to take this time to publicly state my support of the K-Mart Corporation, and to squelch any rumors that I will be taking my products to other retailers. I would never move my product line to Sears, because I have no softer side. I could never take my products to Wal-Mart, because Wal-Mart have a history of censorship and has refused to stock the record albums of my dear, dear friend, Ghostface Killa. And, of course, I would never go into business with Target Stores, unless they were to contact me here in my office, at..

[ SUPER appears ]

..Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia at 212-555-0199. I’m in every day, from 5am until midnight.

In conclusion, to my friends and associates at K-Mart, I say be strong. Wew will get through this together. Within six months. Or you can kiss my big pink rump goodbye. Read my lips, K-Mart: I do not tolerate failure. And if I had wanted to spend my life dragging a wounded, impotent beast around on my back, I would have stayed married. So wipe the Hawaiian Punch off your mouth, pick the chaw out of your teeth, and get back to work!

Money. It’s a good thing.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 12

01l: Britney Spears

Britney Spears’ Monologue

…..Britney Spears
…..Justin Timberlake
…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Britney Spears!

(Chris Kattan comes out dressed as Britney Spears, then start dancing. The real Britney Spears comes out behind him)

Britney Spears: Chris. What are you doing?

Chris Kattan: I’m Britney Spears. Dancing and singing. Uh Security…ahaha.

Britney Spears: (whispering) Chris, I’m Britney Spears.

Chris Kattan: Oh really?

Britney Spears: Yes.

Chris Kattan: Are you not that Innocent? Cause I am. (starts dancing to Britneys ‘Innocent’).

Britney Spears: Chris, look at me okay. Listen to me. You’re not Britney Spears. Okay?

Chris Kattan: Uh, hello. I have boobs. I’m dating Justin Timberlake.

Britney Spears: you’re dating Justin Timberlake? What did you two do last night?

Chris Kattan: Well. I think I can announce, that I’m no longer a virgin. And uh…then we just worked out on our dance move.

Britney Spears: Oh, I wanna see your move. Come on

Chris Kattan: you wanna see my moves?

Britney Spears: Yes please, I wanna see…

Chris Kattan: You wanna se MY moves? (points at himself).

Britney Spears: Yes Please.

Chris Kattan: Okay. (starts dancing)

Britney Spears: That was…That was pretty good Chris.

Chris Kattan: Thanks.

Britney Spears: Uhm..tjeck this out. (Britney starts dancing).

Chris Kattan: Okay, I don’t know what that was.

Britney Spears: Alright you know what. I know how to settle this. Justin can you come out here for a second.

(Justin Timberlake enters the stage).

Justin Timberlake: What’s up. Hello Kattan. Listen uh..(to Britney) I just wanna say I had a really great time last night.

Britney Spears: Justin, that wasn’t me. I wasn’t…that was not me.

(Chris raises his hand)

Justin Timberlake: (feeling sick) Kattan, You gotta stop doing that man.

Britney Spears: Chris what made you think you could get away with this?

Chris Kattan: I don’t know. I’m sorry, my personal life is falling apart, okay. “Corky Romano” didn’t do as well, as I thought, you know. I’m keeping my fingers cross for the video, so…

Britney Spears: This isn’t cool, Chris, seriously, it’s not cool.

Chris Kattan: Right.

(Justin Timberlake still feeling sick)

Chris Kattan: I uh…I do Mango though, that’s kind of cool…(in Mango voice)..No you can’t have me. (Cheers from audience)

Britney Spears: That’s not cool

Chris Kattan: Okay..alright..well I’m gonna..go take a shower for like a couple a days okay

Britney Spears: yeah

(Chris leaves the stage…applause)

Britney Spears: I’m sorry about that folks, but we have a great show.

Justin Timberlake: Britney Spears is here (applause).

Britney Spears: Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Steen Christensen

SNL Transcripts

01l: Britney Spears

Winter Olympics: Women’s Skiing

Mormon #1…..Will Ferrell
Tiffany Lane…..Amy Poehler
Mormon #2…..Dan Aykroyd
Lisa Grani…..Maya Rudolph
Mormon Reporter…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Tiffany Lane skiing downhill at the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah, as a pair of Mormons slide into view around her ]

Mormon #1: Welcome to Utah!

Tiffany Lane: [ startled and confused ] Huh?

Mormon #2: Have you been to Salt Lake City before?

Tiffany Lane: Uh.. no.. but I-I-I can’t talk now!

Mormon #2: Do you know about the Church of Latter Day Saints?

Tiffany Lane: Uh.. I-I-I’m in a race..

Mormon #1: We’re all in a race, aren’t we! Have you accepted Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints?

Tiffany Lane: Are.. are you guys Mormons?

Mormon #2: Yes, we are! You sound interested! Would you like the Book of Mormon?

Tiffany Lane: No.. no, thanks.. I-I-I don’t want the Book of Mormon.. no thanks..

Mormon #1: The Book of Mormon was revealed to Joseph Smith in the form of two golden plates!

Mormon #2: Only Smith could read them!

Mormon #1: Yeah! Because, you see, he had the reading stones, which allowed him to translate the writing on the plates! [ pause ] What do you think, you in!

Tiffany Lane: What do I think? No!

Mormon #2: Would you like to be a Mormon!

Mormon #1: Would you!

Tiffany Lane: Get out of here!

Mormon #1: I know what you’re thinking – polygamy is over! No one has more than one wife any more! We simply don’t do it!

Mormon #2: I do it.

Mormon #1: A few of us still do it! But.. mainly no!

Mormon #2: When you convert to Mormonism, you can be one of my wives!

Mormon #1: Cool it, Young!

Mormon #2: I know what you mean, Young!

Tiffany Lane: Look.. I’m in a real important race, and I need to concentrate! I respect your religion and everything, but I don’t want to be a Mormon! Thank you!

Mormon #2: [ swallowing the information slowly ] Good luck in Hell.

Tiffany Lane: [ angry ] What?!

Mormon #1: He said, “Give ’em hell!” We’ll see you down at the bottom, now go win that race!

[ he pushes Tiffany down the slope as all three of them disappear from camera view ]

[ wide shot of Tiffany skiing faster down the hill ot the end ]

Announcer: An amazing burst of speed there at the end, and it looks like Tiffany Lane has done it! Lisa Grani is standing by with the winner. Lisa?

[ cut to Lisa Grani reporting, as Tiffany skis to a stop in front of her ]

Lisa Grani: Wow. Coming through the middle there, things looked rough. But somehow you really picked it up at the end.

Tiffany Lane: [ out of breath ] Yeah.. it was a tough race.. it was kind of weird up there..

Mormon Reporter: I heard you had a lot of help from the Church of Latter Day Saints

Tiffany Lane: Uh.. not really.. those Mormon guys kind of messed me up..

Mormon Reporter: Right! So you dedicate the victory to the Church of Latter Day Saints! Another great Mormon victory!

Tiffany Lane: Hey! Wait! I didn’t –

Mormon Reporter: Yes, you did! You said, “Thanks, Mormons!” And then you said, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

01l: Britney Spears

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Jonathan Finestein…..Seth Meyers
Gobi…..Horatio Sanz
Summer…..Britney Spears
Jeff…..Jeff Richards

Jarret: Hey, what’s up everybody, it’s me Jarret, comin’ to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. It’s freezing in here right now cause they turned the heat off. Check it out; the inside of my bong froze [holds up his bong, which has ice frozen inside] – a potsicle! We got a great show for you tonight, right now give it up for my man on the wheels of steel – DJ Jonathan Finestein!

Jonathan Finestein: [in a British accent] Hello hello hello me warmies! This next mix is from my mate Kelsey Grammer! They just started showing Frasier on BBC 4 and it’s tops!

[plays Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t get you out of my head.” then mixes it into the ‘Frasier’ theme ]

Jonathan Finestein: That’s a blind cru’ball that one is, yeah!

Jarret: Hey dude, if you’re from England, what’s the queen’s name?

Jonathan Finestein: She’s the queen! Of England!

Jarret: No, what’s her name?

Jonathan Finestein: Latifah?

Jarret: Thought so. Also joining us is my best friend and roommate, please welcome – Gobi!

[Gobi enters, holding his breath, then lets it out]

Gobi: Oh, man! Four and a half minutes, dude! New record! [laughs hysterically]

Jarret: You held your breath for four and a half minutes?

Gobi: Yep, easy!

Jarret: That’s not good for you.

Gobi: Yeah man, I know. It’s great!

Jarret: Oh, Gobi, did you get those t-shirts?

Gobi: Yeah, they’re right there.

Jarret: Cool stuff, man. I’m so psyched! Last week me and Gobi got this great idea for t-shirts that we’re gonna sell around campus. We’re gonna make a killing, dude!

Gobi: Ooh, check it out, check it out! [brings out one of the shirts and shows Jarret, who appears shocked]

Jarret: Dude, what is this? They were supposed to say ‘Down with Osama bin Laden’.

Gobi: Yeah…that’s what they say…

Jarret: Dude, look.

[He reveals the shirt, which says ‘Let’s Get Down with Osama bin Laden’ ]

Jarret: [disappointed] This is terrible!

Gobi: Oh, wait. Don’t panic, I’ve got a great idea. Maybe Osama bin Laden will become cool and host his own dance party show! It would be GREAT! [laughs]

Jarret: I don’t think it’s gonna happen, man. Anyway, my dad’s gonna kill me. Our next guest is the only person I know that is more messed up than Gobi, and for that reason, she’s the love of his life. Please welcome, Summer!

[Summer enters, holding her breath, accompanied by Kylie Minogue music]

Summer: [exhausted, letting her breath out] Six minutes…and ten seconds, man.

Gobi: [amazed] I…love…you!

Summer: Hey, Gobi.

Gobi: Hey, Summer! I just got Willy Wonka on DVD!

Summer: No way, man! My dad’s in the navy!

Jarret: For you at home, pay close attention. If you look carefully you’ll notice that Gobi and Summer can carry on an entire conversation and neither one has any idea what the other one is saying.

Gobi: Well, IT wrote that.

Summer: Well, at least it’s not red anymore.

Gobi: Hey, check my driver’s license! My birthday’s in February!

Summer: Okay, I’m raking leaves, but that’s just my opinion.

Gobi: [laughing] Aww…man!

Jarret: Summer, what have you been up to this past semester?

Summer: Man, it was so awesome. I’ve been totally following my favourite band, Phish around the country.

Jarret: Phish hasn’t toured for over a year.

Summer: [confused] What…what do you mean? I’m gonna see them tonight!

[She passes Jarret a flyer, which he shows to the camera]

Jarret: This is a flyer from a Harlem Globetrotters’ game! You’ve been following the Harlem Globetrotters around for a year!

Summer: Oh, that’s why Phish kept beating the Washington Generals.

Gobi: Yeah, I got a bootlegger hat.

Summer: ‘Course I’d love some Count Chocula, yeah!

Gobi: I love you. I really love you.

Summer: I love you too.

Jarret: You are a lucky man, Gobi. A lucky, lucky man.

Gobi: Hey! Tell ’em ‘bout the Super Bowl! [exits briefly]

Jarret: Oh, yeah! Tomorrow night, instead of watching some big, sweaty dudes grab each other, Gobi and I have created our own Super Bowl.

[Pan over to Gobi, who is making firing noises. He is holding what appears to be a very large bong, made out of a garbage can and pipes. He pretends to fire it as if it were a machine gun, then starts laughing]

Gobi: Look up in the sky! It’s a bong! It’s a pipe! It’s…

Jarret & Gobi: SUPER BOOOONG!

Jarret: We made it out of a trash can and some PVC piping. Gobi tested it out last week and passed out for three days.

Gobi: It was worth it, dude! It was worth it!

Jarret: Speaking of the Super Bowl, ever since the Rams were in it, my roommate Jeff’s been locked in his room because he thinks he’ll jinx them if he leaves. Luckily, we still have our hidden camera in there. Let’s see what’s going on.

[Cut to footage of Jeff’s room]

[Jeff stands near a Kurt Warner poster, gazing at him lovingly]

Jeff: Oh, Kurt Warner. You’re gonna do it this week, man, cause you’re the best. [strokes the poster suggestively] I love you, man. [moves to Kurt’s crotch] Oh, I love you…

[Cut back to Jarret, Gobi and Summer laughing]

Jarret: That’s all the time we have. DJ Johnathan Finestein, take us out with that mix!

[He plays the Kylie Minogue/Frasier mix again]

[fade]

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01l: Britney Spears

Camp X-Ray: U.S. Detainment Facility #240678129934-AH-29J

Hamid al-Sharif…..Horatio Sanz
Vice President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: It’s magical. Where miles of white sand beaches are caressed by the warm, Caribbean breezes. Where is this wonderful place, you ask? It’s Camp X-Ray, the U.S. detainment facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Some may call it inhumane, but we call it a tropical incarceration paradise! Just ask Mr. Hamid al-Sharif of Detainment Area 16!

Hamid al-Sharif: Here at Camp X-Ray, we can pray and eat Froot Loops. The Caribbean breezes are intoxicating. Plus, we do not get raped.

Announcer: Enjoy the ocean view from the open-air detainment bungalows. Pamper yourself with a luxurious head and beard shaving and a full body de-lousing. Savor culturally sensitive meals, like cream cheese and bagels. And keep the government issue prayer-rug as our gift!

Dick Cheney: Take it from me, Dick Cheney, if I’m ever convicted of wrongdoings, I’d like to disclose this location as first-rate Caribbean imprisonment.

Announcer: So, why don’t you lay off on the humanitarian trick, world? These crazy bastards have it pretty nice down here, ok? Camp X-Ray: if it wasn’t for the cages, it would be Club Med.

THE PRECEDING WAS A PAID MESSAGE FROM THE U.S. GOVERNMENT

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts