Month: October 2018

Happy Holidays from Weekend Update

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open at Rockefeller Center skating rink ]

[ focus on Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey ]

Jimmy Fallon: Season’s greetings from all of us here at Weekend Update.

Tina Fey: To all of you at home, have a merry Christmas..

[ Total Stranger walks on ]

Total Stranger: A happy holiday and a healthy new year.

Jimmy Fallon: Who the [ bleeped out ] are you? [ pushes Total Strangeroffstage, turns to the camera and smiles nonchalantly, as Tina Fey looks on,shocked ]

[ fade out ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
James Madison…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.

In his victory speech Wednesday night, George W. Bush acknowledged the need for national healing, saying, “I was not elected to serve one party, but to serve one nation. Unless you look at the popular vote, in which case I wasn’t elected at all.”

Following the Supreme Court’s ruling against him, Al Gore officially ended his candidacy on Wednesday. When informed by an aide that Gore conceded, Bush responded, “I know. That guy so loves himself.”

Dick Cheney so overshadowed George W. Bush the last couple of weeks that Bush has nicknamed him “Big Time.” This replaces Cheney’s old nickname “Heart Attack Jones.”

George Bush made his first Cabinet appointment today, naming Colin Powell his Secretary of “Please Black People Don’t Hate Me”.

Madonna and long-time boyfriend, director Guy Ritchie, will get married next week in Scotland. Insiders say that the couple will keep their famous names. Madonna will stay Madonna and Guy Ritchie will stay “Guy Who Married Madonna.”

Hillary Clinton will receive eight million dollars from Simon and Schuster to write her memoirs. Mrs. Clinton has said she’ll use the money from the book to “pay off all the legal bills incurred by my husband’s five hummers.” The book is tentatively titled “Why I Throw Things.”

Tina Fey: Now that the dust has settled from this year’s election, we all wonder what the Founding Fathers would have thought of all this confusion. Here with the answer, straight from the 18th century, is Founding Father James Madison.

James Madison: Thank you. Thank you, good woman, kindly sir. The concept of the electoral college.. [ stares at the spotlights ] Dear God, what is that? The sun has come indoors! This must be the end of the world!

Jimmy Fallon: That’s just the lights, we have electricity now.

James Madison: Devil within me! My chair is spinning if I drunk much ale at the local tavern!

Tina Fey: Mr. Madison, it’s just a chair.

James Madison: I must say, it’s great fun indeed! This indoor sun and magic chair bring a readiness to my cheek, and my thoughts turn to young lasses. Ms. Tina Fey, you’re a handsome woman..

Tina Fey: You’re here to talk about the election.

James Madison: You’re a handsome woman, indeed!

Tina Fey: Surely, as one of the founding fathers, you’d..

James Madison: [ interrrupting ] I’d like to take you over my knee and have my way with you!

Tina Fey: What are you talking about? You’re very tiny and effeminite!

James Madison: We had bad nutrition.

Tina Fey: All I know is that when I vote I want my vote to count!

[ James Madison stares at a ballpoint pen in awe, while clicking it back and forth ]

Tina Fey: Mr. Madison?

James Madison: Marvelous!

Tina Fey: Mr. Madison, it’s time for you to go.

James Madison: Does anyone know where I can find lodging and a whore?

Jimmy Fallon: 43rd and 10th.

Tina Fey: James Madison, everybody.

Thursday, the Secret Service delivered President Bush’s brand-new armed limosine that will shuttle him around during his term in office. Also on Thursday, Al Gore received a copy of the home game and a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni. Rice-A-Roni the San Francisco treat.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg signed her dissenting opinion “I dissent”, as opposed to the usual “I respectfully dissent”, causing many to speculate that she was intensely opposed to the majority opinion. Further speculation came when Ginsberg didn’t sign her name the way she usually does, with little hearts and smiley faces.

Tina Fey: This is the last Weekend Update of 2000. We’d like you to join us in bringing in the new year.

[ Chris Kattan comes out dressed as the New Year Baby ]

Tina Fey: Hey, New Year baby. Come up here, baby. Out goes 2000.

[ Jimmy and Tina change his diaper ]

Tina Fey: It’s 2001. Yea! Yea! Baby New Year!

Jimmy Fallon: Great.

A hearing was held in Illinois Monday to determine the fate of a six-year-old boy who was removed from his mother’s custody because she was still breastfeeding him. Officials first became suspicious when they noticed a line of boys in the school offering to trade lunches with him.

It was this week that Rick Lazio spent $39 million in his Senate fight against Hillary Clinton, the most money ever spent on a losing campaign until this week when the Texas Rangers spent a quarter of a billion dollars on Alex Rodriguez.

Fox has cancelled the John Goodman show “Normal Ohio” in which Goodman plays a gay man. This means the only gay shows on TV are still Will and Grace and the WNBA.

Tina Fey: Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight..

Jimmy Fallon: [ appears with a guitar ] No, no, no, no. There’s more time. We have more time.

Tina Fey: What are you talking about?

Jimmy Fallon: It’s Christmastime, everybody.

Tina Fey: Ah, oh. Well, in the spirit of Christmas, here’s our old friend Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks for letting me do this, Tina. It’s Christmastime everybody. It’s the best time of year. It’s also the time of year when you get really bad presents.

[ parodies Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open” ]

“Well I opened my gift today, to see which ones I can exchange,
So I call K-Mart and begin to say, ‘Tell the store I’m on my way.’
Are you still open? It’s just past midnight,
Wanted a TV dish, Not a singing fish,
Please be open.”

[ parodies David Grey’s “Babylon” ]

“Friday night the office threw a Christmas party, they invited me,
I started eating rum balls, it was the only food I had that night to eat,
Chugged egg nog, Xeroxed my ass, peed on the couch,
Kissed the boss’s wife, threw up on myself, and got thrown out.
Party on
Got my Christmas party on.”

[ jumps over the Update desk and peers into the cameras like Bono did on last week’s show ]

[ parodies U2’s “Beautiful Day” ]

“I put cookies out, hung stockings by the tree,
Left the front door open, cause I don’t have a chimney,
I can’t get to sleep,
Drank hot milk, need something stronger, to calm me down,
I can’t wait much longer,
Christmas day
In my anticipation,
Christmas day,
I hope I get Playstation,
Give me Pokemon and other things,
Flood me with compact discs and diamond rings,
Christmas day,
Santa’s on his way,
Christmas day,
Here’s what I say,
Christmas day,
And I love Tina Fey!
Christmas day,
Toys are on it’s way!”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. That’s Jimmy Fallon. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Robin Williams…..Jimmy Fallon
Catherine Zeta-Jones…..Lucy Liu
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond

Alex Trebek: And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Because of what just happened before during the commercial, I’d like to apologize to all blind people and children. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. Robin Williams has set a Jeopardy record by buzzing in 2,000 times and never answering a question.

Robin Williams: Yes, Thank you, yes, Jeopardy, yes. [ Walks over to Trebek ] I heal you, my boy you are healed. We have found Tom Selic’s mustache, yes. It’s time to go over here and look at the scoreboard. What do we have here, oh Vana White. Can we turn the letters? She’s making a vowel movement. Yes. Oh, hi, I’m Robert Downy Jr. Robert Downy Jr. wants a recount, yes, and here’s a kid at home going [ whining ]

Alex Trebek: Thank you, thank you. Moving on. Catherine Zeta Jones has no score at all because she’s mostly been talking about her recent marriage.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Alex, I’d like to say hello to my new baby and wonderful husband. Michael, darling, if you’re watching, the diapers in the bedroom closet and the baby’s diapers are under the sink. I love you darling.

Alex Trebek: That’s beautiful. And finally, Sean Connery’s also here let’s move on to Double Jeopardy where the categories –

Sean Connery: Not so fast Trebek.

Alex Trebek: I really thought that was going to work.

Sean Connery: Well, you were wrong, you mountebank. I pose a conundrum to ya, I riddle if you will

Alex Trebek: I don’t want to hear it.

Sean Connery: What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One’s a sick duck and I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore. [ Laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Wonderful. Let’s take a look at the categories. They are: Potent Potables, Point to your own head, Letters or Numbers, Will this hurt if you put it in your mouth, An album cover, Make any noise, and finally, Famous Muppet Frogs. I should add that the answer to every question in that category is Kermit.

Robin Williams: Thank you, yes, Kermit. Yes it’s like Kermit and John Wayne goin, “It’s not easy being green, pilgrim.” It’s like Schwarzenegger,”Ya, I’m Kermit the frog, ya that’s me, Schwarzenegger Kermit.”

Sean Connery: Boy, you might be legally retarded.

Alex Trebek: He has a point. All right, Catherine Zeta Jones we’ll start with you.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I’ll take Giraffes for a billion.

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Letters or Numbers for 200. And the answer is “five.” Is five a letter or a number? The number five, is it a number? [ ring ] Mr. Williams.

Robin Williams: Oh, it’s a beautiful thing yes, right now there’s a guy at home goin [ motions a remote control w/ his hand ] what the hell’s goin on there, why don’t you change –

Alex Trebek: Thank you. Thank you. [ ring ] Mr. Williams, you already rang in.Robin Williams: Yes, it’s a beautiful thing, though. Monica Lewinsky’s at home goin’ [ screams ]

Alex Trebek: Thank you, thank you, anyone else. [ ring ] Mr. Williams, I hate you.

Robin Williams: But I love you! It’s like Jesse Helms and Michael Jackson going, “Yo quiero Taco Bell!”

Alex Trebek: You are a very sick man. Anyone besides Mr. Williams? [ beep ] Five is of course, a number. Catherine Zeta Jones, sadly, it’s still your board.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I’ll take TV shows that did stories about my wedding for 300.

Alex Trebek: For the last time, that is not a category. Sean Connery, why don’t you pick?

Sean Connery: Well, the game is afoot. I’ll take anal bum cover for 7,000.

Alex Trebek: That’s An album cover, not anal bum cover.

Sean Connery: I can read, Trebek. That says Anal bum cover. I’ve spent five years of my life trying to invent an anal bum cover, failing to do so is my greatest regret.

Alex Trebek: You have lead a horrifying life. The category is An album cover and the answer is: The Beatles White album is this color. [ ring ] Catherine Zeta Jones.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Who are the Beatles?

Alex Trebek: I’m sorry, that’s wrong.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, I’m asking you, who are the Beatles, I’ve never heard of them. [ ring ]

Robin Williams: Oh, the Beatles, oh yes, what if they were the Volkswagon Beatles? Then they’d be in the back going, “I wanna hold your farfigneugent”

Alex Trebek: For the love of God, shut your mouth. I’ll tell you what, let’s just go to final Jeopardy. And the category is, you know what? You guys just decide. You each ask your own question and answer it. There’s no way you can get this wrong, because you’re asking the question. Ask yourself anything at all and then answer it. You’d have to be the dumbest people in the world to mess this up; and now let’s see how you managed to mess it up. Robin Williams wrote: Nothing. Because he stuck his pen through his own hand.

Robin Williams: Yes, you know what it’s like, suddenly it’s like a Shakespearean actor who’s gay going, “Tell us for york I” [ Trebek grabs pen and sticks it deeper into Williams’ hand ]

Alex Trebek: Don’t ever come here again. Catherine Zeta Jones, asked herself this question: What sound does a doggy make? Fine. And you answered: [ Blank ] You didn’t know the answer? You couldn’t answer your own question?

Catherine Zeta-Jones: It was hard.

Alex Trebek: Unbelievable. And finally, Sean Connery asked himself: [ Show half a picture of a horse having sex w/ Trebek ] Ok, I, I think I know where this is going. Let me just see here, [ Looks over podium ] Yeah, yeah, that’s a horse having sex with me. Ok. That’s beautiful.

Sean Connery: Come on, you pansy, let the people see my work.

Alex Trebek: No, we’re not going to do that. Ok, I quit, again. Good night.

Thanks to HeRzDogG for this trancript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Red Ships of Spain

Robert Goulet…..Will Ferrell
Wes Goulet…..Chris Parnell
Ken Goulet…..Alec Baldwin
Sheila Goulet…..Ana Gasteyer

Robert Goulet: “Red Ships of Spain
Red Ships of spain.”

Announcer: The voice is back.

Robert Goulet: “Red Ships of Spain
Will our love ever be the same?”

Announcer: Robert Goulet is Captain Ferdinand Pancho in “Red Ships of Spain”.

Robert Goulet: “Hoist the main sail and scuttle the jib
We won’t come home a fortnight
for reasons undetermined.”

Announcer: Yes, the majesty of Robert Goulet. The man “Time” magazine once mentioned. But that’s not all. Because, for the first time ever, Sir Robert Goulet is joined by his brother Wes Goulet as First Mate Sebastian El Corazon.

Wes Goulet: Ahoy, Matey!

Robert Goulet: Ahoy!

Announcer: Robert and Wes Goulet on stage together at last. It doesn’t get any better than this. Or does it? Because, for the next two weeks, older brother Ken Goulet will join his brothers as Tiagra, the pirate and spice trader.

Goulet Brothers: “Red Ships of Spain
Red Ships of Spa-ai-ai-ai-ai-ain.”

Announcer: Sandra Pelton of the San Francisco Chronicle writes: “I don’t think that this legally qualifies as theatre.”

Gil Jacobs of “The New York Times” says: “An absolutely horribleshow. It was opening night and two of the Goulet brothers were alreadyusing understudies.”

Diane Carbinal, “Cincinnati Dispatch”, writes: “It’s the mostupsetting experience I’ve ever had in a theater. The only time theaudience applauded was when I whipped a battery at the actors.”

Goulet Brothers: “And then we’ll return to Majorca.”

Announcer: With plenty of laughs for the entire family.

Robert Goulet: Where is my hat?

Ken Goulet: Is this the hat you were looking for? [ they laugh ]

Robert Goulet: Oh, Pirate!

Announcer: And plenty of adventure.

Robert Goulet: “Oh, there’s trouble a-brewin'”

Wes Goulet: “Adventure is stewin’.”

Robert Goulet: “This line has yet to be written.”

Ken Goulet: [ out of beat ] “Hoist the main sails and lash down the jib
Puncture the bullwarks and svuttle the crow’s nest.”

Robert Goulet: “Check the compass and oil the main engine.”

Wes Goulet: “Pay the dock fee and the weather radio.”

Goulet Brothers: “Before we get on the airplane.”

Announcer: And of course, a little bit of romance, with Robert Goulet’s daughter Shiela Goulet as the sexy Princess Consuela.

Sheila Goulet: Oh, Captain, I hunger for your loins like an old spanish castle.

Robert Goulet: “My dear love, I’m right here for you.
I battle the pirates and I’m here to feel
your gentle kisses in my chest hairs.”

[ moves to kiss her as she fends him off ]

Wait! Wait! [ breaking out of character ] I’ve had enough of gold and trinkets and jugs of wine!

Ken Goulet: What? Sergeant, you’ve gone crazy!

Robert Goulet: It’s Captain, Ken! And maybe you would know that if you’d memorized your lines instead of drinking straight Kahlua in the theater bathroom! You’re a drunk!

Wes Goulet: Easy, Robert. He never had the gifts you had.

Ken Goulet: Damn you, Robert! I should never have saved you from drowning all those years ago!

Robert Goulet: You’re a loser, Ken! That’s why I –

Ken Goulet: Oh! That was long overdue!

Robert Goulet: That’s it! Show’s over!

Wes Goulet: Bobby!

Announcer: Yes, it’s “Red Ships of Spain”. Book and score by an author who, due to an ongoing legal battle with Goulet Enterprises, will not be named in this advertisement.

Yes, “Red Ships of Spain”, the hot new musical at the Nedderland Theater.

Tony Dunchy from “THe Houston Dispatch” writes: “I really don’t think it occurred to Mister Goulet that he was playing a romantic sceneopposite his daughter.”

James Gund of “American Theater Magazine” writes: “True story: Ifell asleep during the production, and when I woke up was so convincedthat I was still dreaming, I got up onstage and walked around. The oddthing is the show is such an ugly mess that no one seemed to notice orcare.”

So go see it.

“Red Ships of Spain”.

Tickets start at $90, so see it today.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Girls Gone Wild!

Daughter…..Kate Hudson
Dad…..Will Ferrell
Mom…..Molly Shannon

Daughter: Hey, what are you watching?

Dad: An E! Celebrity Profile on Drew Carey.

Mom: It’s very good. Now, he’s from Cleveland – I didn’t know that.Sit down, honey, it’s a very good show.

Dad: It’s so good to have you home from college!

Daughter: I know, I miss hanging out with you guys!

Dad: We miss hanging out with you, kiddo!

[ cut to commercial on television ]

Television Announcer : Warning! The following commercial is foradults only! “Girls Gone Wild” just got wilder! “Girls Gone Wild” onSpring Break! Our cameras captured real girls, college co-eds, sororitygirls – unbuttoned and uncensored! [ Daughter is shown exposing herselfto the cameras in the commercial ] Actual videos of girls who go to SpringBreak, break the rules and hang out! Order today!

[ cut back to the shocked family ]

Mom: [ upset ] I cannot believe this!

Dad: My little girl.. why?

Daughter: It.. it wasn’t me..

Daughter: Come on, Shelley – we know it was you!

Mom: I know.. I’m sorry..

Dad: What happened?

Daughter: I don’t know, it was Spring Break, I got carried away..

Dad: I’ll say.

Daughter: I mean, if I let you guys down, I’m really sorry.

Mom: [ thinking ] Well.. we all make mistakes..

[ phone rings ]

Dad: Yeah, hopefully no one saw it. [ answers phone ] Hello. Yes,Grandma, we saw it, too. No.. no, it’s not her – but it looks likeher. No. Alright, Grandma, talk to you later. [ hangs up ] Perfect. I justlied to Grandma.

Daughter: I’m sorry, guys..

Mom: Well, we’re disappointed.. but it is just a little mistake, so..

Dad: Well, let’s just forget it, and watch “Walker, Texas Ranger”..

[ cut to “48 Hours” on the television ]

Television Announcer: Tomorrow night on “48 Hours”: what parentsdon’t know about Spring Break. [ more wild footage of Daughter onSpring Break is shown, complete with guy licking whipped cream off herchest ] Shocking videos that show you just how wild things get.

[ cut back to upset family ]

Dad: Sonofabitch! I can’t believe this!

Mom: [ more upset ] Shelley!

Daughter: Oh, my God! I mean, it was just that once! Thatweekend in South Padre Island!

Dad: [ answers ringing phone ] Yeah? Yeah, Grandma, we saw it.Yes, it’s her. Hold on, that’s the other line. [ picks up other line ]Hello? Yes, Nana – it’s your other grandma – yes, we saw it. I’llcal you back.

Mom: Okay, this is horrible!

Dad: We did not send you to college for that! You can pay forcollege yourself with the money you made from that tape.

Daughter: I didn’t get any money from that tape..

Dad: Well, good going, Einstein! Someone else gets rich off of youshowing your coconuts!

Daughter: I’m sorry.. I messed up.

Mom: Well.. let’s just it go, Malcolm. She made a little mistake.

Dad: I can’t believe this.. I’ll be the laughingstock at thecourthouse.

Daughter: Oh, Dad, it’s not your mistake. And as long as youdon’t tell anyone, they’ll never know.

Dad: [ mulling it over ] ..I.. guess you’re right

[ cut to television airing “COPS” – drunken Daughter being arrested andtelling all ]

Daughter on Television: My father is Malcolm Bills! He works inthe county courthouse..

[ cut to the family ]

Dad: Wonderful. You said my name. Everyone at work will know.

Daughter: [ mad at herself ] Oh, I forgot about that!

Television Announcer: “Girls Gone Wild” just got even wilder!Introducing the new “Girls Gone Wild at Mardi Gras”.

Dad: Thank God you didn’t go with us to Mardi Gras last year.. [ eyeswiden ] Oh, my God, no!

[ cut to television – Mom shown exposing herself at Mardi Gras ]

Television Announcer: It’s not just college girls who get into the actat Mardi Gras..!

[ cut back to the family ]

Dad: Honey?

Mom: It was the Mardi Gras, and they were giving out the beads..

[ phone rings ]

Dad: You know what? Let’s just let the machine get that, okay?

[ scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 18th, 2002

Winona Ryder

Moby

Alex Trebek

Neil Diamond

Moby, “We Are All Made Of Stars”

Carter In Cuba

Fidel Castro (Will Ferrell) ridicules Jimmy Carter (Darrell Hammond) during visit.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro.

Winona Ryder’s Monologue

Ryder watches footage from studio’s new security cameras.

Celebrity Jeopardy

Rock & Roll version with Dave Matthews (Jimmy Fallon) and Bjork (Ryder).

The real Alex Trebek cancels Final Jeopardy.

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery.

Uncle Mike & Uncle Danny

Bride’s (Ryder) two dads (Chris Parnell, Will Ferrell) sing at her wedding.

Bearologist

Bearologist (Will Ferrell) takes blame when Bear (Seth Meyers) kills wife.

Botox

Poison injections keep women’s faces wrinkle-free.

Girl Next Door: The Search For A Playboy Centerfold

One-legged girl (Amy Poehler) hopes to become centerfold.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Tina Fey delivers rant against having a baby by Age 27.

Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell) sings “Cherry, Cherry” with 2002 All-Stars.

Recurring Characters: Neil Diamond, Gay Hitler, Drunk Girl, Geraldo Rivera.

Moby performs “We Are All Made Of Stars”

Love-ahs

Roger (Will Ferrell) & Virginia (Rachel Dratch) enjoy more hot tub loving.

Recurring Characters: Roger Clarvin, Virginia Clarvin.

Mango

Shopping with Ryder and Moby, Mango (Chris Kattan) shoplifts.

Recurring Characters: Mango.

Moby performs “South Side”

Will Ferrell Farewell

Cast members relate Will Ferrell’s importance to the show.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

US officials continue the search for Osama Bin Ladin. Reports suggest that Bin Ladin is most likely somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theatres showing the movie “Glitter.”

According to the New York Post, the Mafia has stolen more than 250 tons of scrap metal from lower Manhatten. A spokesman for the Gambino Family said, “Hey, dah mayor told us to go back to work!”

This week, Elizabeth Dole announced that she’s entering the Senate race in North Carolina. Mrs. Dole said she felt it was imperative at this moment that she do something to get away from Crazy Viagra McGee.

Dole will be running for the Senate seat vacated by Jesse Helms. Mrs. Dole said if she wins Helms’ seat, she will have it steam-cleaned to get rid of that “old people smell”.

Last week, Don King pledged $500,000 to relief charities; but this week, somehow the charities owe him $600,000.

A man who owns a Middle-Eastern restaurant named Osama’s Place says he won’t change the name since it was named for the original owner, not Osama Bin Laden. Though, he a had harder time explaining why his other restaurant is named “Hitler’s Chicken”.

MSNBC reporter Ashleigh Banfield, now in Pakistan covering events there, has cut her hair short and died it brown in order to go undercover in the male-dominated country. Take it from me, Ashley: If you think having brown hair and wearing glasses will keep men from noticing you.. you are right.

Jimmy Fallon: Earlier this week, the Rev. Jesse Jackson announced that he had been invited to meet with Afghan Taliban rulers as a possible mediator in the tense standoff over Osama Bin Laden. One of the more bizarre elements of this news is that there is some confusion over who initiated the invite. Here to explain it, the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson: Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you, Tina. And thank you, America. For the record, I did not contact the Taliban; they, in fact, contacted me. What happened was this: I had a hang-up on my machine, so I star-sixty-nined, and they said, “Hello?” And I said, “Who is this?” And they said, “Who is this?” And I said, “You called me.” And they said, “You called us.” And I said, “I star-sixty-nined you!” They admitted it was the Taliban. Then I had a great laugh over what transpired. I immediately called the appropriate people in Washington, D.C., let them know I’d been contacted by the Taliban first. I then called my friend Gary to tell them how weird it was that the Taliban called. I pushed the redial button by mistake. I accidentally got the Taliban. At first, Jimmy, I thought it was my friend Gary being funny.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! You would.. you would think that!

Jesse Jackson: Because he was like, “Agga gaga”

Jimmy Fallon: That sounds like Gary!

Jesse Jackson: But then I realized it was the Taliban. It was not my friend Gary. So I jokingly said, “Come, Mr. Taliban, Tali-me banana.” After that, it was a very uncomfortable moment.

Jimmy Fallon: I can see why!

Jesse Jackson: They said they were on the other line, they had to take that call. And we played phone tag over the next few days. I left several messages on their machine, suggesting we get together and talk – which had been their idea in the first place. Finally, a spokesman for the Taliban at the Afghan embassy in Pakistan called me and told me to stop calling. Which I took to mean that I would be welcome to come over and broker a deal. Once again, I called the relevant parties in Washington, they said they would be happy to send me to Afghanistan – I could even take comedian Bill Mahar with me. They even had a specific cave we could wait in until they dropped us a message. Jimmy.. Tina.. I anxiously awaited my opportunity to help in a time of crisis.

Jimmy Fallon: I appreciate that. Jesse Jackson, everyone. [ noticing his combed hair on the monitor ] What is going on with my hair, for heaven’s sake?

Tina Fey: You should have spent more money on that wig.

Jimmy Fallon: It looks like a wig, doesn’t it? [ musses up his hair, making it look worse ]

According to his daughter, the comic actor Jerry Van Dyke is trying to retire from show business – which raises an interesting question: Who’s stopping Jerry van Dyke from retiring from show business?

Elton John this week admitted he is still sexually attracted to women, despite the fact that he hasn’t slept with one in 9 years. He said that the woman he is most attracted to is George Clooney.

Jimmy Fallon: The first week of Maine’s annual moose hunt began on Monday and ends tommorrow –

Tina Fey: Wait, wait, wait. Are you serious?

Jimmy Fallon: What? Yeah.

Tina Fey: It’s just that I promised mysled I would kill a moose this year, and now it’s too late. Aargh, I never finish anything!

Jimmy Fallon: That’s not true, Tina. You’re one of the most disciplined people I know.

Tina Fey: If that were true, I’d be eating moose jerky right now.

Jimmy Fallon: Well.. Maine’s having an extra week of moose hunting this season starting October 8th! You can shoot a moose then, just don’t put it off until the last second, Tina.

Tina Fey: I won’t, Jimmy. I won’t squander the second chance Maine has given all of us to shoot a moose!

Together: And.. scene.

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Jeniro was cancelled last friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

Organizers of the orgy were expecting 1500 men, and 8 women.

Health officials are investigating a link between a cluster of E. Coli cases at a county fair. It was disovered that all 20 people reporting symptoms not only attended the fair, but participated in the manure-eating contest.

Following last November’s election problems, Palm Beach County, Florida will switch to touch-screen voting machines. In early tests, elderly voters responded favorably to the touch-screens, then spent twenty minutes waiting for their money to come out.

Tina Fey: Our final story tonight: New York City is awesome. If you would like to donate to the Twin Towers Fund to help in the relief effort here in New York City, call the number on your screen: 1-877-870-4278.

Jimmy Fallon: Please give what you can. Anything. With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Farting Baby

White Mother…..Reese Witherspoon
White Father…..Will Ferrell
Grandmother…..Ana Gasteyer
Dr. Cleeten…..Chris Kattan
Black Mother…..Maya Rudolph
Black Father…..Tracy Morgan

[open on white mother, father and grandmother around baby]

White Father: Aw, look at him.

White Mother: Oh, I still can’t believe it! He’s so beautiful. We made that.

White Father: We did it. Look at his little face. He’s so peaceful.

Grandmother: You kids did a good job. You should be proud.

White Mother: Thanks, Mom. [places baby in bassinet] Oh, I can’t believe it. He’s ours.

White Father: I love you.

[woman laughs cheerfully; baby farts]

White Father: Oops! Did you hear that?

White Mother: That was his first fart!

[man and woman chuckle; nuzzle baby]

White Mother: That’s so cute!

White Father: You’re gonna be just like your dad.

White Mother: Let’s hope not.

[baby farts again]

White Father: Ooh! Little fella’s got gas.

White Mother: I wonder if I ate something. You know, they say if the mom eats gassy food…

White Father: He looks fine to me.

[baby farts louder]

White Father: Hey! Hey, cool it dude. I’m the fart guy in this family.

[baby continues farting]

White Mother: Oh! Mom, should I burp him?

Grandmother: Oh, just pat his back, honey. He’ll be fine.

White Father: I’ll get him. [picks baby up as baby farts uncontrollably] Whoa. This – this can’t be normal. This can’t be…normal at all.

White Mother: Um, give him to me. [patting baby’s back] There, there. Mommy’s here. That’s okay. Just let it out.

[farting continues]

White Father: Okay, I – I gotta call someone.

Grandmother: That isn’t normal. That isn’t normal.

White Father: No. No.

White Mother: Okay, don’t panic, honey. Just call Dr. Cleeten.

White Father: Yes. Of course. Dr. Cleeten. Of course. Jeez! Stop the farting.

Grandmother: Call the doctor!

White Mother: There’s nothing I can do. I’m patting his back.

[burping joins farting]

White Father: Ooh! Now’s he’s…he’s burping now! Stop it baby!

Grandmother: Call the doctor!

White Father: Stop it, baby!

White Mother: Call Dr. Cleeten, damn it! Now!

[time passes; farting and burping continue]

White Mother: [opens the door for Dr. Cleeten] Dr. Cleeten, right this way. He won’t stop farting and burping!

White Father: We’re – we’re worried sick!

Dr. Cleeten: Now, now, now. It’s probably just some gas. [inspecting baby] Okay, little fella. What’s going on here? [farting and big burp] Oh! Well here’s the problem. His diaper’s on too tight.

[mother sighs with relief]

Dr. Cleeten: [changes baby] There we go.

[farting and burping stop]

White Father: Oh, boy. That was tense there.

Dr. Cleeten: Well, no need to worry. Constriction of the lower stomach often causes gas to build up.

[baby pees into the air]

Dr. Cleeten: …And pee!

[farting and burping resume]

White Mother: Oh my god. He’s peeing everywhere!

Dr. Cleeten: Well, would you look at that!

White Father: Do something!

Dr. Cleeten: I’ve never seen this.

Grandmother: This – this – this isn’t normal!

White Mother: [to Dr. Cleeten] Well, fix it! He’s farting and burping and peeing!

White Father: Here, let me – let me grab it. Let me grab it. [picks up baby] Stop it! Stop farting! Stop it! Stop farting!

White Mother: Larry, Larry, Larry! Hold it! He’s just a baby, Larry!

White Father: You better stop it!

White Mother: Give me the baby. Give it to me. [to baby] You better stop it. Stop farting!

White Father: It’s not funny. Go to your room!

Grandmother: That is not polite. It is not polite!

White Mother: You quit it this instant!

Dr. Cleeten: Give him to me! [to baby] I command you to stop farting! I am a doctor! You do it, and you will stop!

[farting continues]

White Mother: I’ve got an idea.

White Father: I like it.

Grandmother: Me too.

White Mother: I’ll be right back. [takes baby] Come on, Mom.

[mother and grandmother leave]

[Larry and Dr. Cleeten stand around; generic The Odd Couple-like music plays in the background]

White Father: Coffee?

Dr. Cleeten: No, no thanks. I’m actually trying to cut back.

White Father: Interesting. You’ve cut back on coffee? I’m amazed.

Dr. Cleeten: Well, nothing really amazing about it. I have a cup in the morning, and…and that’s it.

White Father: [skeptical] One cup?

Dr. Cleeten: Sometimes two.

White Father: Okay. Yeah. [short pause] That’s beyond intriguing. That’s interesting. That’s really interesting.

Dr. Cleeten: Yeah?

White Father: Yeah.

[mother and grandmother return with black baby]

White Mother: We’re back. It’s a funny thing, honey. That wasn’t our baby. Can you believe it? This is our baby.

White Father: I knew it! It must’ve been a mix-up. [tickles baby] Hi, cutie! [to mother] He?

White Mother: Oh, honey it’s a girl.

White Father: Oh.

White Mother: We made her, remember?

White Father: I love you.

[Larry and mother kiss]

[scene cuts to black man and woman in hospital room with original baby]

[baby farts, burps and pees continuously]

Black Mother: This baby is not ours!

Black Father: [laughing] Who cares? This baby is hilarious! [to baby] You keep on fartin’, little dude! [to mother] This is the funniest baby we had yet!

Submitted by: Anthony Rupert

SNL Transcripts

The Presidential Couple

Written by: Dennis McNicholas

Tom Brokaw…….Chris Parnell
Al Gore…….Darrell Hammond
George W. Bush…….Will Ferrell

Tom Brokaw: Good evening America! I’m Tom Brokaw. Another stunning turn of events in the race for the White House. We’ve just learned that Governor Bush and Vice President Al Gore are about to make a joint statement. Is this incredible saga nearing an end? We take you live to Washington.

(Fades to Gore and Bush)

Al Gore: Good evening America. I am Vice President Al Gore.

George W. Bush: And I am the governor of Texas, George W. Bush.

Al Gore: As you know, this election has been the closest in history and the result is still in dispute.

George W. Bush: That’s right, it’s in dispute because some people.. (leans head towards Gore) ..don’t know when they got beat. Look at Florida. I got 2,910,198 votes, and he got a measly 2,909,871. That is an old-school ass-whooping! (laughs) Eat it, Gore!

Al Gore: (chuckles) It’s also in dispute because some people in this race cannot accept losing a popularity contest. If you’ll check the national popular vote, you’ll see that I, Al Gore, have been proven to be, ifso facto, the most popular man in America. Heck, I’m this close to having teenage girls throw their panties at me!

George W. Bush: But listen, we may have our differences, but I don’t want to be dividers. We want to be unificators.

Al Gore: So, a solution has been found that’s both fair and consistent with the will of the American people.

Together: We’re both gonna be President!

Al Gore: Heck, y’all didn’t know who you wanted anyway!

George W. Bush: It’s true. It’s gonna be great. Hey C.J.! Roll that tape!

(Images on screen of voters and punch cards)

Announcer V/O: On November, 7th George W. Bush and Al Gore ran for President. But there was no clear winner. So they decided to govern together. But can these two men share the White House without driving each other crazy?

(Image on screen of both at Oval Office desk, caption reads “The Presidential Couple”, music: Theme from “The Odd Couple.” Starring Al Gore and George W. Bush. Goes back to Al Gore and George W. Bush laughing.)

George W. Bush: Man that was cool! Just think of the hilarious possibilities of having two presidents who hate each other’s guts!

Al Gore: For example, I might be having a crucial summit meeting to discuss foreign policy in China…

George W. Bush: And then I’ll leave my laundry lying around in humorous piles!

(The two laugh again)

Al Gore: Did you know that really gets my goat?

(More laughing)

Al Gore: (suddenly very somber face) Now, what happens…what happens if we come to a complete standstill on an issue facing the nation?

George W. Bush: Like, what if Al wants to appoint a pro-choice justice to the Supreme Court, and I want to appoint the Texas Rangers?

Al Gore: Well, don’t worry, America.. don’t worry, America. George W. came up with a fair and impartial system by which we can arbitrate any conceivable dispute.

George W. Bush: It’s called Rock, Paper, Scissors. I learned it in college. (Smirks)

Al Gore: Let’s show the American people how it works, George. Ok. One, two three.

(Al has paper, George W. has rock.)

George W. Bush: Hah! I beat you!

Al Gore: I disagree George. As you can see, I’ve got paper. Paper beats rock.

George W. Bush: What?

Al Gore: Paper beats rock!

George W. Bush: I got a rock! How does paper beat rock? Face it, nerd boy, you lost indisputably. I get to wrap this up.

Al Gore: No, I’m wrapping it up.

George W. Bush: Unbelievable!

Al Gore: Well there’s no need to get snippy!

George W. Bush: My brother Jeb told me I get to wrap this up.

Al Gore: Your younger brother is not the ultimate authority on this!

George W. Bush: Oh, really? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

Thanks to Elizabeth Cross for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 1

00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

First Presidential Debate

Jim Lehrer…..Chris Parnell
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: Live, from the Clark Athletic Center at the University of Massachusetts, the first Presidential Debate. Here is moderator, Jim Lehrer.

Jim Lehrer: Good evening. I’m Jim Lehrer. Welcome to this, the first of three debates between Texas Governor George W. Bush and Vice-President Al Gore. Now, let’s meet the candidates. [ Gore and Bush step out, shake hands, then stand behind their respective podiums ] Before we begin, I have been asked by the Bush campaign to announce that, for the next three hours only, viewers in the states of Michigan, Missouri and Pennsylvania have the option of free Pay-Per-View, courtesy of the Republican National Committee. On Channel 62, “The Perfect Storm”, with George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg, the film Mike Clark of USA Today called “The perfect movie”. On Channel 63, the grandeur beauty and savagery of ancient Rome came to life in “Gladiator” with Russell Crowe. [ Al Gore sighs ] “Gladiator. A hero will rise.” Care for something just a bit naughty? On Channel 64, ten Penthouse Pets join forces with ten Playboy Playmates to find the perfect Hustler centerfold, in “Miss Killer Body 2000”. Contains nudity. [ George W. Bush nods his approval ] With that out of the way, let’s begin the debate. Mr. Vice-President, during this campaign, you have frequently called the Bush tax plan a “risky scheme”. Why?

Al Gore: [ speaking slowly and in broken syllables ] Well, Jim..Governor Bush and I have two ve-ry diff-er-ent plans to of-fer tax re-lief to American families. In his plan, the wealthiest 1% of Americans would receive nearly fif-ty per-cent of the ben-e-fits. My plan, Jim, is diff-er-ent. Rather than squand-er the su-plus on a risky tax cut for the wealth-y, I would put it in what I call a.. “lock-box.”

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, your response?

George W. Bush: I don’t know what that was all about.. but I’ll tell you this: “Don’t Mess With Texas!”

Al Gore: I didn’t mess with Texas!

Jim Lehrer:Governor Bush, I listened very carefully to the Vice-President’s remarks, and I honestly do not believe he messed with Texas. Now, Governor Bush..

Al Gore: [ interrupting ] Jim. May I ust say that in myplan, the “lock-box” would be used only for Social Security and Medicare. It would have two different locks. Now, one of the keys to the “lockbox” would be kept by the President; the other key would be sealed in a small, metal container and placed under the bumper of the Senate Majority Leader’s car.

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, the next question is for you. Two weeks ago, at a meeting of the Economic Club in Detroit, you said the following: “More seldom than not, the movies gives us exquisite sex and wholesome violence, that underscores our values. Every two child did. I will.” What did you mean by that?

George W. Bush: [ clears throat ] Pass.

Jim Lehrer: Perhaps if you could see it on a monitor?

[ the exact phrase appears on the monitor for Bush to read ]

George W. Bush: [ reads monitor ] Pass.

Jim Lehrer: Really? No idea what that could mean?

George W. Bush: Could be.. education?

Al Gore: Jim? I believe what my opponent in-tend-ed to say, wasthat all too often the ex-plic-it sex and whole-sale violence in filmsundermines our values.

George W. Bush: [ snaps finger ] Bingo! That was it! That was it!

Al Gore: I happen to agree with Governor Bush on that, and I commend him for it. But let me add something in my plan. The “lock-box” would also be camoflauged. Now, to all outward appearances, it would be a Leatherbound edition of Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas. But it wouldn’t be. It would be the “lock-box”.

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, this question is for you, and it concerns foreign policy. Last week, in Serbian elections we saw the apparent defeat of President Slobodan Milosevic by challenger Vojislav Kostunica. Yet, Milosevic refused to step aside. As President, would you apply pressure on Milosevic, and openly aid Kostunica and his Novia Serbskaya party? Or, by working with neighbors, such as Karadon Ragonovic of Croatia, Istivan Kajnoinsy of Hungary, or Anton Paslagaros of Greece?

George W. Bush: [ clears throat ] Well.. first of all, I think that any instability in that first country that you mentioned, is troubling.. and clearly the second guy who you spoke of, he beat the first guy. Now, personally, I favor seeking the diplomatic help of the person I’m gonna call “Guy #3”. But I’m not going to pronounce any of their names tonight, because I don’t believe that’s in our national interest.

Jim Lehrer: Vice-President Gore?

Al Gore: Jim, let me here tonight issue a warning to the enemies, or potential enemeies, of the United States: you may think you know the location of the “lock-box”. Maybe you do. Or maybe that’s a decoy. Or a dummy “lock-box”. Only the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, myself and Tipper are gonna know for sure.

Jim Lehrer: Which beings us to our final question. Governor Bush, both you and the Vice-President have offered plans to provide prescription drugs for the elderly. What makes your plan superior?

Al Gore: Jim, I’d like to interrupt here and answer that question as if it were my turn to speak. Jim, let me tell about a friend of mine. [ holds up a picture of an elderly woman ] Her name is Etta Munsen. She’s 94, she’s a widow living on Social Security in Sparta, Tennessee. Etta was born with only one kidney. She also suffers from poilo, spinal menengitis, lung, liver, and pancreatic cancer, an enlarged heart, diabetes, and a rare form of styctic acne. Now, several recent strokes, along with an unfortunate shark attack, have left her paralyzed and missing her right leg under the knee. Just last week she woke from a coma to find that, due to a hospital mix-up, her left arm had been amputated, infected with syphillis, and then reattached.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. Vice-President, we are short of time..

Al Gore: As you can imagine, Jim.. Etta’s prescription drug bills are staggering. They run to nearly $113 million a day! And she tells me that some weeks she has to choose between eating and treating her Lyme Disease. Now, under my plan, Etta’s prescription drugs would be covered. Under my opponent’s plan, her house would be burned to the ground. And that is wrong. That is just wrong!

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush? Response?

George W. Bush: I believe that some of those figures may be in-ock-urate.

Al Gore: Jim, what you just heard from my opponent is an attack on my integrity and my character. And I will not reply in kind. Instead, I will take those remarks and tuck them away, away in a tiny “lock-box”, where all bad thoughts go.

Jim Lehrer: Well, that brings us to the close of tonight’s debate. Each candidate will now give a brief closing statement.

Al Gore: Jim, may I make two closing statements?

Jim Lehrer: I’m afraid not. In fact, we are almost out of time, so I will instead ask each candidate to sum up, in a single word, the best argument for his candidacy. Governor Bush?

George W. Bush: Strategery.

Jim Lehrer: [ stunned ] Vice-President Gore.

Al Gore: “Lock-box”.

Jim Lehrer: This concludes the first debate. Thank you, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts