For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 17
Keds
[ Music Over: “Revolution”, The Beatles ]
[ multiple flash shots of Marshall Applewhite and the dead Heaven’s Gate cultists are shown from inside their compound. All close-up shots reveal that they are wearing Nike sneakers. ]
[ SUPER: “Keds. Worn by level headed Christians.” ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 17
Goodnights
…..Rob Lowe
Rob Lowe: Hey! Thanks to Robert De Niro – how about that? And Joe Pesci.
[ The Spice Girls climb all over Rob Lowe, chanting their group’s name in a feeble attempt to plug themselves ]
And The Spice Girls! And my cast! Matthew, John Owen – I love you! Thanks for coming – good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 17
TV Funhouse
[ open on title card ]
Announcer: The X-Presidents!
[ show X-Presidents at golf tournament ]
Struck by a hurricane-powered dose of radiation while appearing at a celebrity golf tournament, our four former presidents are charged with powers and strengths, rendering them all the more extraordinary!
Gerald Ford! [ spins through a brick wall ]
Jimmy Carter! [ kicks giant ant ]
Ronald Reagan! [ throws fireball at terrorist with gun ]
George Bush! [ shoots bow and arrow to lasso an alien ]
Pitting their arsenal of phenomenal powers against Earthling and interplanetary foes alike, the fabulous foursome for right against might.
X-Presidents!
[ cut to exterior Brazilian mansion, Vice-President Al Gore in attendance with Brazilian government officials ]
Al Gore: This is a wonderful surprise, El Presidnete! I’m delighted that you want to host another environmental summit.
Brazilian Official: Si, vice-President Gore! In Brazil, we believe in preserving nature.
[ Gore steps in front of a tree with branches outstretched ]
Al Gore: I can see, by your wonderful flora! [ suddenly, the tree comes to life and scoops Gore up in its branch-arms ] Hey!
[ the Brazilian government officials lift their masks to reveal that they are alien beings ]
Head Alien: Ha ha! Stupid Earthling! We will use you to lure your foolish president!
Al Gore: [ struggling to free himself ] Try the X-Presidents. [ presses the X-Presidents signal on his watch ]
[ a signal beams toward a mysterious volcano. Inside, X-President Jimmy Carter mans a control board, with screens revealing the whereabouts of Ford, Reagan, and Bush. ]
Jimmy Carter: Vice-President, Condition Red. Rendezvous Sector: C for Charlie, A for Astro, D for Double.
Ronald Reagan: Let’s roll.
Gerald Ford: Roger.
George Bush: Wilco.
Announcer: Within minutes: from land — [ Ford flies above golf course ] sea — [ Reagan swims across ocean ] and air — [ Bush parachutes downward, then flies across to join Reagan, Ford, and Carter in the X-Presidents jet ] the brave chief executive warriors join forces.
[ cut back to a pair of the evil trees tossing Gore between them, as the aliens relay their scheme ]
Head Alien: Ha ha ha! Disguised as your platform, we will poison your puny environment!
Alien: Planet H-41 will rule!
[ suddenly, the X-Presidents come crashing in ]
Head Alien: [ with fists clenched ] The X-Presidents!
George Bush: Read my lips: your ass is grass!
[ Bush goes mano-a-mano against an alien, and KO’s him ]
Ronald Reagan: [ waves his fists in front of an evil bush ] Just say No.. to pissing me off! [ punches the bush and wraps a branch around it ]
Head Alien: Activate the Magno-beam!
[ the Magno-beam is turned on and pointed at the X-Presidents, who wince upon being hit ]
Head Alien: Ha! You Earthlings are too weak to reject its evil essence!
Jimmy Carter: I.. only feel the malaise..
George Bush: Hold on, Jerry..
Gerald Ford: I.. must.. destroy! [ begins knocking down trees as the evil foliage watches with glee ] I.. must.. destroy! I.. must.. destroy!!
Ronald Reagan: Ford.. foreign policy.. weak! Got to.. summon.. help!
[ Reagan flips the re-animating button ]
Announcer: Flipping the re-animating button, President Reagan sends a signal to Yorba Linda, California, where help is waiting.
[ the signal reaches the tomb of Richard Nixon, whose ghost bursts outward ]
Richard Nixon: I am not a crook! I’m a killing machine! [ the ghost of Checkers the dog bursts out behind Nixon ] Checkers! Away! [ they fly to the rescue ]
Ronald Reagan: Bush! Track down and break up the Magno-beam’s source! Carter! Hold off the trees ’til Nixon gets here!
[ Nixon flies in ]
Richard Nixon: Let me make this perfectly clear cut!
[ Nixon spins among the evil trees and slices them in half ]
[ Nixon them flies into the group of aliens holding onto the Magno-beam ]
Richard Nixon: Sock it! To me?!
[ the aliens take a tumble into the path of the Magno-beam, and they explode ]
Richard Nixon: A-wayyyyyy!!!
[ Nixon flies back to his tomb, as the X-Presidents wave farewell ]
[ dissolve to the Oval Office ]
President Bill Clinton: You, and X-President Nixon, have bailed us out once again.
Ronald Reagan: History will surely look kindly on him, now.
Gerald Ford: Sorry I got a little out of control, back there.
President Bill Clinton: That’s okay, Mr. Ford. We grant you a full pardon!
[ Clinton and the X-Presidents laugh ]
[ dissolve to the X-Presidents playing instruments and singing in the style of The Archies ]
X-Presidents: [ singing ]
“Let’s all get together, be happy now
Let’s all get together, be true!
I don’t want to fight with your country any more
Let’s sit down, negotiate!
I had a girl, she wouldn’t sign my treaty
I said, “I opened Red China, baby listen to me!”
Come on!
Let’s all get together, be happy now
Let’s talk it out until we turn blue!
Let’s not leave this table with nothing, nowI just want to say I made progress with you!”
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 17
Food, Sex, or Cars?!
Jim Oliver…..Rob Lowe
Kyle Richards…..Will Ferrell
Brad Robert…..Jim Breuer
Announcer: Which would you rather have: a lobster dinner, CindyCrawford, or a brand new Porsche?
Audience: The Porsche!!
Announcer: That’s correct! And that how you play.. “Food, Sex, or Cars?!” And now, here’s your host: Ji-i-im Oliver!
Jim Oliver: [ rushes out ] Hello, and welcome! It’s time once againfor the game where you have to decide which is best – food, sex, orcars? Let’s meet our contestants! Kyle Richards is a fraternity brother atSouth Carolina College. [ Kyle runs out ] Good to have you here, Kyle.
Kyle Richards: TKE rules!
Jim Oliver: Yes, it does. Contestant #2: Brad Robert! [ Brad runsout ] Brad is from Deleware, where he is a Pop-a-Shot repeairman.
Brad Robert: It’s good to be here, Jim!
Jim Oliver: Okay. Well, let’s see how the game works. Three choiceswill appear on the Food, Sex, or Car board. The contestant must decide whichof the three is the most desirable: the food, the sex, or the car. And ifyou’re right, you get $100. For instance: [ game board spins ] ..a tacosalad, Kelly LeBrock, or a Jaguar. And the answer would be: Kelly LeBrock.Okay? Got it? Good! And, as always, all of our answers have beenpre-determined by a world-class thinktank of psychologists, physicists,crptiosimitists, and other really smart people. Okay, let’s start! Kyle,it’s your turn!
Kyle Richards: Alright! Whoo-hoo!!
Jim Oliver: Let’s go, Kyle! Your choices are: [ game board spins ]..potato skins, Connie Chung, and a Pontiac Bonneville. Which will it be:the food, the sex, or the car?
Kyle Richards: Oh, man.. that’s a sweet-ass Bonneville.. butConnie Chung is a honey..
Jim Oliver: Time is running out.
Kyle Richards: Then again, I never turn down some tasty potatoskins.. think! Think! I’m gonna have to say Connie Chung!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: That is correct!
Kyle Richards: Yeah!
Jim Oliver: You’re up $100. Brad, it’s your turn. Your choicesare: [ game board spins ] ..a hero, the blonde sister from Heart, or aFirebird.
Brad Robert: Ah, this is a tough one! Firebirds are cool.. but I’mgonna have to say.. a hero!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Right! We’ve got a barnburner here! tie game. Kyle,it’s your turn.. [ game board spins ] ..a cheese calzone, Carly Simon, anAstro van.
Kyle Richards: Ohh, this is hard! I can carry my hockey net in thatAstro van.. uh.. I love that song, “Anticipation”.. Is it Carly Simon?
[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]
Jim Oliver: Ohhhh.. the answer was Cheese Calzone. I’m sorry, Kyle.Brad, you’ve got a chance to grab the bull by the horn. Your choices are:[ game board spins ] ..pork dumplings, Sade, or a dune buggy.
Brad Robert: Definitely Sade!
[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]
Jim Oliver: No, I’m sorry. The answer was a Dune Buggy.
Brad Robert: [ aghast ] Oh, no way! Anybody would rather have Sadethan a dune buggy..
Jim Oliver: No, I’m sorry, Brad.. because even though Sade is veryexotic, you just can’t underestimate how cool it would be to jump over asand dune in a cool buggy! Ha ha ha! Let’s move on. Kyle: [ game boardspins ] ..garlic bread, Martha Stewart, or a Postal van.
Kyle Richards: [ thinking ] Oh! I know this one! Garlic Bread!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Back to you, Brad: [ game board spins ] ..ahead of lettuce, Shirley Hemphill, or a ’79 Pinto.
Brad Robert: [ perplexed ] I.. have no idea.. uh.. a head oflettuce..?
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Brad has the lead! Kyle: [ game board spins ] ..anorange circus peanut, Bea Arthur, or a Dodge Dart. Go!
Kyle Richards: [ stunned ] What?
Jim Oliver: Come on, please.. you must guess!
Kyle Richards: I don’t want to eat, have sex, or drive any of those things..
[ wrong answer buzzer heard ]
Jim Oliver: I’m sorry. Quick, Brad, you can grab this round!
Brad Robert: Well, I know it’s not Bea Arthur! Is it a..circus peanut?
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Okay, the choices are coming fast now: [ game board spins ] ..a raw egg, Betty Ford, or the Beverly Hillbillies’ truck.
Kyle Richards: Oh.. this is hard.. Hillbillies’ truck!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! Yes! [ game board spins ] A can of beets, Estelle Getty, or a bobcat with a saddle on its back.
Brad Robert: Uh.. the beets!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! [ game board spins ] Army rations, Squeaky Fromme, or a boogieboard.
Kyle Richards: Boogieboard!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! Yes! [ game board spins ] A bucket of lard,She-Hulk, or the Hindenburg.
Brad Robert: She-Hulk!
[ winning beeps heard ]
Jim Oliver: Yes! That is correct, and we have a winner! Brad, you walk away with $500! Well, that’s all the time we have for today.. so remember, no matter how noble and spiritual you think the human race is, all we really care about is.. Food, Sex, or Cars?! That’s right!
[ fade out ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 17
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
April 12th, 1997
Rob Lowe
Spice Girls
None
Joe Pesci
Robert De Niro NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) conducts a satellite interview with Marshall Applewhite (Will Ferrell) and the Heaven’s Gate cult members.
Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.
Transcript
Montage
Rob Lowe’s MonologueSummary: After finding the diary he left behind the first time he hosted, Rob Lowe reads the 80’s-themed entries inside of it.
Transcript
KedsSummary: The shoes worn by level-headed Christians on their journey into their next life.
Transcript
The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Eric Roberts (Rob Lowe) and David Spade (Chris Kattan) are administered beatings from Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) and Robert De Niro (Colin Quinn). The real Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro then make a surprise visit, and neither are impressed with the exaggerated impressions of themselves.
Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro.
Note: It was planned for Alec Baldwin to reprise his two-time Robert De Niro impression, but scheduling conflicts prevented his appearance, so Colin Quinn took over the role instead.
Note: The “surprise” of the cameos by the real Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro was only a surprise for anyone who hadn’t read the internet or listened to a radio during the lead-up week, as their scheduled appearance received considerable coverage in the media throughout the week.
Transcript
Food, Sex, or Cars?!Summary: Game show contestants choose the most desirable object among food, sex and cars.
Recurring Characters: Suel Forrester.
Transcript
Goth TalkRecurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss, Glenn.
TV FunhouseSummary: In an animated adventure by Robert Smigel, the X-Presidents summon the ghost of Richard Nixon to aid in their rescue of Vice-President Al Gore from a group of aliens.
Transcript
NBC Lesbian ProgrammingRecurring Characters: Mickey The Dyke.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldNote: Norm MacDonald delivers the fake news solo, without any guest commentaries.
Note: Norm MacDonald accidentally drops the F-bomb between jokes, and thus speculates on his being fired.
Spice Girls performs “Wannabe”
PerspectivesSummary: While interviewing baseball player Jermaine Allensworth (Tracy Morgan), Lionel Osbourne (Tim Meadows) can’t seem to comprehend the significance of Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier fifty years earlier.
Recurring Characters: Lionel Osbourne.
Transcript
La Politica Non Correcto
Spice Girls performs “Say You’ll Be There”
Janet Blaum’s RantSummary: Though she’s fueled with anger, waitress Janet Blaum (Ana Gasteyer) is ineffective in telling off her boss (Rob Lowe).
Recurring Characters: Janet Blaum.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Barbara Walters Oscar Special
Barbara Walters…..Cheri Oteri
Cuba Gooding Jr…..Tim Meadows
Geoffrey Rush…..Mike Myers
Billy Bob Thornton…..Darrell Hammond
Barbara Walters: Good evening and welcome to my Oscar special. This will certainly go down in Oscar history as the year of the independent film.
[show “Jerry Maguire” movie poster]
The only major studio film being considered for Oscar stance is “Jerry Maguire”. And while he’s not from Cuba, he is Good… ding, at what he does, Jr. My first guest: Cuba Gooding Jr.
[cut to Barbara and Cuba sitting down for interview]
Barbara Walters: Cuba?
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Yes, Barbara?
Barbara Walters: Sock it to me. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. Whatchu talkin’ bout, Willis? And now, Cuba Gooding Jr., show me the money!
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Yeah, that’s right. That’s from “Jerry Maguire”. Now, I’m really happy about the success.
Barbara Walters: And aren’t you happy that all of America loves saying “show me the money”?
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Well, I don’t know about that, but I’m happy, you know, to be moving on to other projects.
Barbara Walters: Ooh, did you ask your agent then to show you the money?
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Seriously, stop. Say that again and I’m gonna show you the door.
Barbara Walters: Well, apparently all of my phrases revolve around the phrase “show me the money” and since I’m unable to adlib, I’ll show myself out. On Oscar night, let’s hope the Academy shows you the Oscar!
[Cuba gets up and chases Barbara]
[show “Shine” movie poster]
Barbara Walters: You could say that the Academy has definitely taken a “Shine” to Geoffrey Rush. His powerful portrayal of piano prodigy David Helfgott is the premier Oscar pick. Some say Geoffrey Rush’s acting is so convincing that he should be up for an Oscar and a Grammy.
[cut to Barbara and Geoffrey’s interview]
Barbara Walters: Geoffrey, I’m going to rush right into this. You, Geoffrey Rush, are Australian. Your character, David Helfgott, also Australian. Happy coincedence?
Geoffrey Rush: Australia-Australia-ha-ha! [indistinct talking] [gets up to feel Barbara’s breasts]
[show “Sling Blade” movie poster]
Barbara Walters: My next guest is Billy Bob Thornton, whose touching portrayal in the movie “Sling Blade” has the critics buzzing. Horton may hear a who, but Thornton may hear a hooray on Oscar night. I caught up with Billy Bob in his shack behind his house somewhere in Arkansas.
[cut to Billy Bob and Barbara’s interview]
Barbara Walters: Billy Bob, how were you able to create Karl, the simple yet misunderstood character who was completely like yourself?
Billy Bob Thornton: I reckon you could make me some French-fried potaters, mm-hmm.
Barbara Walters: Well, I’m not much of a cook, but I am hungry… for a genius named Billy Bob Thornton to show us his true self.
Billy Bob Thornton: I reckon you could show me the money!
Barbara Walters: Come on, Billy Bob, surely you can say something about being nominated for an Oscar?
Billy Bob Thornton: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Dominican Lou … Tracy Morgan
Bill Clinton … Darrell Hammond
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Late this week, President Clinton and RussianPresident Boris Yeltsin met in Helsinki to discuss thesensitive topic of NATO expansion. For his part,Yeltsin stood firm, saying he must do what is rightfor Russia, while Clinton also stood firm, saying hemust do what is right for China.
On Thursday, in a stunning admission, the LiggettGroup, makers of Chesterfield, Lark, and L&Mcigarettes acknowledged publicly that their cigarettesare addictive and do cause cancer. Hours later, thefour other major tobacco makers Reynolds, PhilipMorris, Lorillard, and Brown and Williamson issued ajoint statement saying quote, “Today’s announcementcomes as no surprise. Everyone knows Liggettcigarettes cause cancer.”
Also this week, a California newspaper revealed thatO.J. Simpson was awarded custody of his childrenmainly because a court-ordered psychological testshowed that he is a loving father. It should be noted,however, that the same test also showed that he was aloving husband. [applause]
Following the surprise withdrawal of his nomineeAnthony Lake, President Clinton has chosen acting CIAdirector George Tenant to head up the agency. Now allhe needs is the approval of the House, the Senate, andthis Chinese guy. [Photo of elderly bespectacled Asianman]
In Washington this week, the Supreme court is havingarguments on whether or not pornography should bebanned from the Internet. According to veteran courtwatchers, eight Justices are leaning toward a ban,with one against. [Norm strokes his chin thoughtfully]Gee, I wonder which one would be against … [Photo ofJustice Clarence Thomas] … a ban on pornography? Letme – Let me see now, there’s … Nah, it wouldn’t behim–
Meanwhile, at the University of Nebraska, computerscientists have developed a version of the Internetthat is up to one hundred times faster than thecurrent system. According to analysts, those using thenew system to log on to America Online will now bedisconnected in three one thousandths of a second.[mild reaction and then some applause] … You everget on a computer? You know anything aboutthem?
In Congress, members of the House Women’s Caucus sayprosecution of sex offenders must be the Army’s toppriority, despite concerns of racial insensitivity onthe part of investigators, which would be the secondpriority. Then, I guess, the Army’s third prioritywould be — defending the nation. …[applause] … You know? That’d be third.
Well, this coming Monday is Oscar night and threefilms, “The English Patient,” “Secrets and Lies” and”Shine” are locked in a tight race in the category:”Best picture there’s not a chance in hell I will eversee.” … No interest at all in seein’ those.
Norm MacDonald: And, now, here with his reviewof the Oscar-nominated movies is the maintenance manat 1410 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our old friend,Dominican Lou. Hi, Dominican Lou. [cheers and applauseas we pan over to Dominican Lou, a cheery, mustachioedman with a thick Dominican accent, who smiles andwaves]
Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Thank you,Norm. Thank – thank you for having me on and puttingme here on the show.
Norm MacDonald: Sure.
Dominican Lou: I love to watch the program. Ilove to watch the movies. The “Sling Blade,” the”Eddie Maguire,” and “The English Pages.” … It -It’s a good movie. A lot of people, they enjoy thismovie. They love to see it. They love to see the TomCruise. It’s very good for them.
Norm MacDonald: Uh huh.
Dominican Lou: They like it.
Norm MacDonald: What was your favorite part ofthe movie?
Dominican Lou: I don’t know. I didn’t see it…. I have no time. I’m working all the time, youknow? But I hear it’s a good movie. Is good movie.People in the building, they talking about it a lot.They love the movie. They like to see the movie. Allthe time. They talking about it.
Norm MacDonald: Oh … well, well, that’sgreat. Great. So they liked it, huh?
Dominican Lou: They did not see it yet. …They just talking about it. They was going to see it.It’s very good. My friends. Maybe they get to see themovie and have a good time. They have a nice time.They say they want to see the movie. I don’t go. Iworking all the time. … I – I too busy. I do cleanthe building. Besides, I don’t watch the movie. I – Ilike-a the TV better.
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Well, uh… Hey, what areyour favorite TV shows?
Dominican Lou: I like-a the reruns thebest.
Norm MacDonald: Oh? Oh, what reruns do youlike?
Dominican Lou: It doesn’t matter. As long asit’s reruns.
Norm MacDonald: Well, why would you like thereruns the best?
Dominican Lou: Because then I – I can alreadysay I can already see it and I turn it off and I goback to work.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, okay. Dominican Lou,everybody! [cheers and applause as Lou waves goodbye,Norm shakes his hand] Yeah! Good job. Yeah. [Louexits]
A person who suffers two sharp, powerful blows to thehead within a short period of time can suffer braindamage or even die. This according to a new study inthe medical journal “DUH.” … [cheers andapplause]
This week, a London tabloid published the firstexclusive pictures of Michael Jackson’s baby, secretlytaken by a guest at the King of Pop’s Neverland Ranch.Upon seeing the pictures, Michael said, “This is notmy baby,” then quickly added, “I’m not saying he isn’thot, he’s hot, it’s just not my kid.” … [mixedreaction from crowd, Norm elaborates frantically] “I’mnot saying– He’s a – he’s a very sexy infant, it’sjust not mine.” … “I would love to have sex withhim, he’s just not my child is all I’m saying.”[Norm’s efforts draw a smattering of applause]
This week, pilot Linda Finch marked the sixty yearanniversary of Amelia Earhart’s attempt to fly aroundthe world, by setting out on her own round-the-worldflight. Finch took off on Monday from the sameOakland, California airfield as Earhart, and hopes toreach Europe by next Wednesday. By Sunday evening, ifall goes well, she plans to have mysteriouslydisappeared forever.
In music news, Dr. Jack Kevorkian has performed andrecorded a one-hour CD of his own jazz compositionsfor the flute. You know, Dr. Kevorkian, I’ve, uh, I’velistened to your CD and I’ve got some advice: Don’tquit your day job. All right? You know, murdering oldpeople. Stick with that. Stay away from the flute andstick with the, uh, the murdering old people. Just myadvice.
A report by Assistant Treasury Secretary Jim Johnsonshows that the arrest rate for church arsons is morethan twice the national average for arsons in general.[grows thoughtful, pulls his portable tape recorderfrom his pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Noteto self: Start setting fire to something other thanchurches. … If you can– [shuts off recorder,pockets it, mild applause]
Earlier today, the biggest auction ever of Beatlesmemorabilia took place in Tokyo. Among theone-of-a-kind items on the block were Paul McCartney’sbirth certificate, a white Mercedes-Benz owned by JohnLennon and, rarest of all, a photo of George Harrisonnot looking haggard. … Have you ever seen one? Whenyou think about it?
And the British Sunday Times is reporting that Belgiandoctors have accidentally cloned a human being. Thehuman being? You guessed it — Frank Stallone.[Doctored photo of two Frank Stallones]
Well, Reader’s Digest has released its 1997 list ofthe best and worst places to raise a family in theUnited States. The best place? Sheboygan, Wisconsin.While the worst place in America to raise a family:the Neverland Ranch. [cheers and applause]
Norm MacDonald: “Absolute Power” — ClintEastwood’s film of murder and political corruption –continues its strong showing at the box office. Here,with his review, is Update movie critic and 42ndPresident of the United States, Bill Clinton! [cheersand applause]
Bill Clinton: Thank you and God bless youall… Norm, director Clint Eastwood’s latest filmopens promisingly enough. The President of the UnitedStates, played by Gene Hackman, is having a rendezvouswith his mistress at the home of her wealthy husband.So far, so good. [nods and grins] … But, suddenly,everything goes to hell for the two lovers andfor us the audience. Hearing the sounds of rough sexand believing the President to be in danger, SecretService agents burst in, shooting the President’smistress dead. I almost walked out right then… I’msorry I didn’t, Norm, because this movie is one big,steaming piece of pony loaf… I did not like thismovie.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, whoa-whoa, Mr. President.It couldn’t have been that bad.
Bill Clinton: Oh, come on, Norm. It wasthat bad. And what drives me crazy is here you got allthe makings of a great motion picture. You got thePresident of the United States. And an attractiveyoung mistress. And what do they do in the first fif–five minutes? They kill her off! They kill off themistress! Why do that? [lowers voice to a whisper]Why?
Norm MacDonald: Well…
Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why?
Norm MacDonald: Well, what should they havedone–?
Bill Clinton: [whispers] Why?
Norm MacDonald: What should they have donedifferently, Mr. President?
Bill Clinton: Norm, it seems to me, if I weremaking a film about a murder and cover-up at thehighest levels of government, you’d choose a morecompelling victim than the President’smistress.
Norm MacDonald: Like – like who?
Bill Clinton: The President wife! … To me,that’s obviously the way to go. And they blew it.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Bill Clinton: They blew it.
Norm MacDonald: I see what you mean, Mr.President. Yeah, the First Lady, you know, her beingmurdered would be a bigger deal, wouldn’t it?
Bill Clinton: Exactly. If the President’smistress disappeared, who would know? But if the FirstLady were suddenly to vanish, how would the Presidentexplain it? And would the public buy his explanation?If not, what kind of explanation for his wife’sdisappearance would they buy? … Haven’t youever wondered about these things? … Don’t you everthink about stuff like that? [applause]
Norm MacDonald: I guess you’re right. I – I cansee – I can see the possibilities.
Bill Clinton: Aw, come on, it’s obvious toanyone. The First Lady murdered! There’s yourmovie! … But, unfortunately, screenwriter WilliamGoldman would rather kill off a beautiful youngmistress whose only crime was liking roughsex.
Norm MacDonald: Oh! Come on! … Mr. President,come on.
Bill Clinton: Mr. Goldman, if you’re out therewatching, you should be shot … and your body draggedto a park to make it look like a suicide.
Norm MacDonald: Oh-ho! Come on, now… Come on.Come on. Easy there, Mr. President. I think you’rebeing a little rough on Mr. Goldman there.
Bill Clinton: Well, uh, well, you didn’t seethis movie, Norm. It was El Stinko. In fact, on ascale of one to ten, I give this gobbler a one. [Cutbriefly to graphic of the Seal of the President of theUnited States with superimposed flashing numeral “1”and horn sound effect]
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Oh, there we go.
Bill Clinton: Yes, sir.
Norm MacDonald: All right, Mr. President, youmade your point. You didn’t like the movie. Anyway,hey, we’re all wondering, how’s the – how’s the kneedoin’? Is it giving you any pain?
Bill Clinton: Oh, not as much as sittin’through “Absolute Power,” Norm. I mean, itreeked.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, I know, you don’t likeit. Okay.
Bill Clinton: I didn’t like this movie.
Norm MacDonald: Okay, fair enough. ThePresident of the United States, everybody! [cheers andapplause]
Bill Clinton: I did not like this movie.[starts to exit]
Norm MacDonald: Danny Wilson, 17th floor! Goodnight, everybody!
[Norm waves and takes the microphone off his necktie.Applause. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]
Submitted Anonymously
Tito Jackson Album
Tito Jackson…..Tracy Morgan
Announcer: You remember him from such groups as The Jackson Five, and The Jacksons! But now, look out, America, ’cause he’s on his own!
[ dissolve to Tito Jackson strumming his guitar ]
Tito Jackson: Hi! I’m Tito Jackson! You know, the heavyset fellow from The Jackson Fives? I played bass and didn’t sing much, and I know what you’re thinking – he’s just another jealous, disgruntled older brother who wants some of his younger brother’s money. [ abruptly stops strumming ] You damn right! That’s why I put together my own CD: “I Gotta Eat, Too!”
Announcer: Written, produced, and performed by Tito Jackson. “I Gotta Eat, Too” offers up all of Tito’s famous bass lines. Like..
[ Tito strums a familiar Jackson Five bass line ]
Tito Jackson: [ singing ] “I want you back!”
Announcer: You’ll also get this classic from Tito:
[ Tito strums a riff that’s not quite recognizable, until: ]
Announcer: Yeees! “Benny & The Jets”! And what about this bass line favorite:
[ Tito strums another unfamiliar bass riff ]
Announcer: That’s right, it’s “The Theme From Barney Miller”! And if you act now, you’ll receive not only the new CD “I Gotta Eat, Too”, but you’ll also get Tito’s new video: “I Told You I Need To Eat, Fool!” Where you can see all the famous dance moves Michael Jackson stole from Tito. Performed by the master himself – Tito!
[ Tito dances to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, until he’s forced to take a seat and catch his breath with help from an oxygen mask ]
Announcer: Send $19.95 to Tito Jackson, I Gotta Eat Too, P.O. Box 12000, Empire Station, New York New York.
Tito Jackson: Hey..! What’s y’all waiting on..? I gotta eat, too!
[ fade ]
Sprockets
Dieter…..Mike Myers
Helmut…..Will Ferrell
Announcer V/O: [ over scattered title graphics ] “Sprockets”. “Sprockets”. West German Television presents.. “Sprockets”. With your host, Dieter.
[ dissolve to the main “Sprockets” set, as Dieter steps out, dressed as usual in solid black, with slicked back hair in ponytail and glasses ]
Dieter: Velcome to “Sprockets”, I am your host Dieter. [ wild aplause from audience ] Thank you very much for your kind applause on my entrance. I always like a warm hand on my opening. Vell, it’s Oscar time, and I am as happy as a little girl! [ pulls nipple areas of his shirt to mime false boobies ] Ve here at “Sprockets” vould like to present our own alternative Academy Awards show. It is called.. The Insane Academy Awards.
V/O: [ with graphics ] The Insane Academy Awards! [ grueling scream ]
Dieter: Helping me tonight is fellow insane film enthusiast – and my luv-er – Helmut! Please welcome.. Helmut Vosh!
[ Helmut, a talll, lankish, manly-looking woman, enters the set, locking into a warm embrace with Dieter ]
Dieter: Stop. [ they separate ] Before I begin.. would you like to touch my monkey?
Helmut: I vill touch him!
Dieter: Touch him! Love him!
Helmut: [ rtouches the monkey’s paw ] There, I did it.
Dieter: Now.. was that so hard? Sit! Helmut sits ] How do you answer the rumors that you are a sily bitch?!
Helmut: [ a pause ] I embrace them.
Dieter: Right! Let us get on to this year’s Insane Academy Awards! Helmut, would you like to explain how we selected this year’s nominees?
Helmut: [ quickly ] No!
[ Dieter’s monkey begins to go out of control, making faces at him and Helmut, so Dieter makes his own monkey faces right back, laughing hysterically at their antics ]
Dieter: If you don’t comply, then no tossed salad for you, Missy!
Helmut: The nominees were randomly selected for no good reason. The names came to us from the part of the brain that exists in the nether region between sleep and terror.
Dieter: Very well! The Insane Academy nominees are: [ each cast nominee is accompanied by a doctored photo of the fake actor in the fake motion picture production ] Best Supporting Actor in a Drama: Mason Reese, “A Few Good Men”.
Helmut: I guess he couldn’t handle ze truth?
Dieter: Or the morgashbord. Gavin McLeod, in “Sounder”.
Helmut: Captain Stubing never had it so good.
Dieter: And, finally, Martha Raye in “Network”. “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to clean my dentures any more.”
Helmut: And! The vinner is:
Dieter: A bag of woodchips in “The China Syndrome”! [ they clap ] Now, let’s move on to the ladies.
Helmut: Best Supporting Actress in a Drama or Training Film: Kay Lenz, “Gandhi”.
Dieter: Karen Valentine, “Jumanji”.
Helmut: And I’ll have Charlie Weaver to block.
Dieter: And the vinner is: Dan Rather, “Big”! [ they clap ] Best Shegro in a Musical: Rae Dawn Chong, “The Music Man”.
Helmut: Peter Ustinov, “Bye Bye Birdie”.
Dieter: And Denzel Washington in “Yentl”. And the vinner is.. ah! We have a tie! George Jetson for “My Left Foot”, and The Fonz for “Tora! Tora! Tora!” Sit on it, Potsie!
Helmut: Now, moving on.. Best Treatable Disease in a Drama or Travelogue:
Dieter: Crohn’s Disease, “Midnight Cowboy”!
Helmut: Scoliosis, “Moonstruck”.
Dieter: Your categories have become tiresome! Now is the time on “Sprockets” vhen ve dance!
[ the Sprocket dancers enter set and begin to dance rhythmically to the “Sprockets” theme ]
Dieter: That’s all the time we have on “Sprockets”! My guest has been my luv-er, Helmut. [ Dieter stands next to the monstruously tall Helmut, raising his head as Helmut lowers hers, so that their heads touch ] My name is Dieter. Auf wierdersen!
[ fade ]
Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly
Andy Gray…..Mike Myers
Ian Daglers…..Mark McKinney
Kevin McCracker…..Jim Breuer
[ open on ESPN2 graphic ]
Announcer: You’re watching ESPN2 – The Deuce! Coming up later on The Deuce: Senior Women’s Beach Lacrosse, from Sandusky, Ohio. But, right now, stay tuned for Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly.
[ dissolve to random scenes of soccer hooliganism ]
Voiceover Jingle: “Scottish! Soccer! Hooligan! Weekly!”
[ product graphics appear as they are mentioned ]
Andy Gray V/O: Brought to you by.. Doc Marten boots; stylish, and stronger than a dane’s head. Also brought to you by.. Bollock’s Weiners; you can’t have a weiner unless you have Bollock’s! Also, brought to you by.. Delta; we love to fly, and it shows.
[ dissolve to Andy and Ian sittng behind table of their set ]
Andy Gray: Hello! And welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly”! I’m your host, Andy Gray!
Ian Daglers: [ speaks haggardly throughout ] And I’m your other host, Ian Daglers! Hey!
Andy Gray: Ah, alright then, tonight’s topics are: “Effigies: Are They Worth The Effort?” Why not just get the real guy?!
Ian Daglers: Very good point!
Andy Gray: And, uh, “Braveheart”; what battle tactics could we learn from this cinematic masterpiece?
Ian Daglers: Hey!
Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get down to it, because I’m piss drunk, and I’m gonna be sick!
Ian Daglers: Why do ya suppose it is that, uh.. that soccer and pissing go so well together, hey?!
Andy Gray: Well, ah think the soccer piss actually acts as some sort of powerful gastric mag-a-net!
Ian Daglers: Hey! What?
Andy Gray: What do you mean, what?
Ian Daglers: I don’t know then, do I?
Andy Gray: Ah, piss off!
Ian Daglers: Hey, you piss off, you wee girl!
Andy Gray: [ a change of heart in his attitude ] Alright, don’t be like that.. give us a kiss, come on.. [ reaches his arms to Ian lovingly, then smashes his skull into Ian’s nose ]
Ian Daglers: Ow!! [ grabs hand to nose and lowers head, raises it back up to reveal a serious blood flow ] Oh.. oh.. oh, Christ, you broke my nose again, you wee bastard!!
Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get to our next topic, because I’m so bevy I’m gonna honk! And I’m gonna paint this room like an esophageal Jackson Pollock canvas! Which brings us to our next topic: Odd Items That I Found In My Vomit After Soccer Riots.
[ graphic ]
Andy Gray: Quiz me!
Ian Daglers: Right! Scotland vs. Spain, 1995!
Andy Gray: Ah, that’s easy! Buttons! I found buttons! [ reaches below desk, and drops a packet of buttons onto the counter ]
Ian Daglers: [ surprised ] Hey?
Andy Gray: Aye! A combination of sunstroke and a magnum of Bailey’s Irish Cream had caused me to go on a machete-wielding rampage through the local marts and Spencer’s.. where, according to a police report, I had eaten a plush toy!
Ian Daglers: Was it, a.. Paddington Bear toy, then?
Andy Gray: Aye, it was, actually.
Ian Daglers: How’d it taste?
Andy Gray: Ah, better than you’d think.
Ian Daglers: Hey! I’ve done that. Quiz me!
Andy Gray: Ah, alrighty.. Scotland vs. the Camaroons, 1989.
Ian Daglers: Oh.. oh, I do have a story, but, uh.. it came out my ass!
Andy Gray: [ offscreen ] Judges? [ acceptance bell rings ] Press on!
Ian Daglers: Okay.. uh, after the game, I extracted a piece of the comet Carhutex from my large intestines. Apparently, I had stumbled into the Geological Museum in Aberdeen, and somehow wound up with a piece of an infrequently-returning comet in my rectal chamber, hey!
Andy Gray: If I had a pound for every time that’s happened to me, Jimmy.. I’d have five pounds. Moving on, for those of you heading to the continent for the European Finals, let’s bring on our resident expert of the fighting styles of the various countries!
Ian Daglers: Yes! Please welcome Kevin McCracker!
[ theme music pots up, as Kevin McCracker enters studio to exorbitant enthusiasm from Andy and Ian ]
Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get to it, Kevin..
Ian Daglers: Let’s do it!
Andy Gray: We’ll tell you the country, if you give us the fighting style of said country, starting with Holland.
Kevin McCracker: Fifers.
Ian Daglers: France!
Kevin McCracker: Stompers.
Andy Gray: Belgium!
Kevin McCracker: Soft heads..
Ian Daglers: Uh.. Germany!
Kevin McCracker: That reminds me.. of a time that I ws taken with an old German man. I was talking to him, and he was walking his dog. Suddenly, he says to me.. “May the best.. team.. win..”
[ Andy and Ian slam their steins down, angry at the quote ]
Andy Gray: Bastard!
Ian Daglers: Yeah, he did!
Andy Gray: Bastard!
Ian Daglers: He did!
Kevin McCracker: So! I beat that Nazi bastard to death with his own Shih tzu!
Ian Daglers: [ confused ] A Shih tzu?!
Andy Gray: Ah, ah, ah.. you’d be surprised what you can do with a wee dog.
Ian Daglers: Aye..
Kevin McCracker: Hey, uh.. but if properly applied-
[ they all start talking uncomprehensibly at once ]
Kevin McCracker: But still, I’ve gotta say.. I like the Germans.. they’ve got hard heads!
Andy Gray: I totally agree. I still can’t get over what that retarded German chap did to Monica Seles – now that was first-rate hooliganism!
Ian Daglers: Oh, ya!
Kevin McCracker: That was great!
Andy Gray: Aye. We should really wrap this up. Alright.. join us this weekend, for the Scotland vs. Ireland match, where all professional hooligans will be rooting for..
[ Andy & Ian yell, “Scotland!” as Kevin simultaneously yells, “Ireland!” ]
Ian Daglers: What?!
Andy Gray: Did you say Ireland?
Kevin McCracker: Yeah, I said Ireland! I’m Irish!
Ian Daglers: [ dumbfounded ] Irish?! What are you doin’ on this show, you beady-eyed bastard! Hey!
Andy Gray: No, no, no, no.. come on, everyone’s welcome on this show.. Give us a kiss.. [ reaches his arms to Kevin lovingly, then raises his knee and smashes it into Kevin’s nose ]
[ vomit ]
Ian Daglers: Hey! Hey! How do you feel?
Andy Gray: Ahhh.. better out than in, I always say.
Ian Daglers: [ reaches into Andy’s vomit ] Hey, look! Look what you puked up!
Andy Gray: Ah, it’s my specs! That’s where they went! [ grabs the puke-soaked glasses, puts them on his face ]
Together: [ singing ] “I can see clearly now, my specs are back..!”
Andy Gray: Alright, look at the time.. that’s the end of the show. And I’m Andy Gray!
Ian Daglers: Amd I’m Ian Daglers! Hey!
Andy Gray: Piss off!
Ian Daglers: Hey! Piss off, now!
Andy Gray: [ reaches hand to mouth, worriedly ] Oh, it comes in twos.. it comes in twos..
[ Andy relieves a massive puking spree once more, as the theme music pots up and the title graphic appears on the screen ]
[ fade ]