…..Mike Myers …..cast of “Saturday Night Live” …..Lorne Michaels
Mike Myers: Thank you. Please stop. It’s great to be back. When I left the show, I took a little time out. Spent time with my family, made a movie called “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery”, which opens May 2nd. And when I was making Austin Powers – which opens May 2nd – Lorne said, “When you’re done, why don’t you come back and host the show?” And I thought, “Host? Me? No.” See, it was a dream of mine to be on the show since I was a kid. And I had the fortune of spending six unbelievable years here. But I thought I’d never host. Nah. Then I thought, “Wait. A lot of former cast members have come back to host. Chevy. Dan. Bill Murray. And now: me!”
[ Tracy Morgan, Cheri Oteri, Chris Kattan, Will Ferrell, Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon surround Mike ]
[ singing ] “I can’t believe I’m up here now. I’m doing the monologue. My head is reeling, I’m in a fog..”
[ stops singing ]
Hold on, something’s wrong. Molly, why are you so down?
Molly Shannon: My Fortune Teller sketch got cut tonight.
Mike Myers: That’s right. Some sketches get cut after dress rehearsal.
Molly: Yeah, now I’m barely going to be in the show!
Mike: Well, gosh.. if anyone knows how that feels, it sure is me.
[ singing ] “See, I was like you guys, too.”Cast: [ singing ] “We’re in the cast from week to week Hoping for a chance to speak.”
Mike Myers: [ singing ] But now I’m in..”
Come on, guys! [ jumps off the stage ]
“..the entire show. They can’t take that away from me. I’m the host; I got to be!”
Cast: “Now you know what total bliss is like!”
: “It’s hosting, it’s hosting, yeah!”
Cast: “You look like a completely different Mike!”
Mike Myers: “It’s from hosting, from hosting, yeah!”[ stops singing when he runs across Lorne Michaels administering the caning of Norm MacDonald in a back hallway ]
Lorne Michaels: ..52…53..
Mike Myers: Hey Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: Mike, you look great! Can I get you a beverage?
Mike Myers: Norm, what’s going on?
Norm MacDonald: Bad dress rehearsal.
Mike Myers: That’s right.. I completely forgot about that. Move over, Norm. My turn.
Lorne Michaels: Mike, what are you doing?
Mike Mysers: Well, I kind of screwed up that line in “Fortune Teller”, and..
Lorne Michaels: Mike, Mike. You’re the host now.
Mike Mysers: [ singing ] “I love to host..”
Excuse Me, Lorne.
“Excuse my boast. I used to work it just like you, Now I’m hosting, someday you could, too.”
Darrell Hammond: You mean someday, when I leave the show, I could be asked to host?
Mike Myers: That’s right, Darrell! And none of your sketches will be cut!
[ Darrell is impressed ]
Mark McKinney: You mean, I could host?
Mike Myers: Sure, you could host, Mark!
Jim Breuer: Even me, Mike!
Mike Myers: Yes, even you Jim. [ walks on, spots Tim Meadows standing around ] Tim! Tim Meadows! Wow, thanks for coming by to support me! Tim Meadows: Uh, actually, Mike, I’m still in the cast.
Mike Myers: What? You mean you didn’t leave with Farley and Spade?
Tim Meadows: No.
Mike Myers: Well, I’m sure you’ll host.. Yeah, I’m sure you’ll host.. bye! [ rushes off ]
Tim Meadows: [ singing ] “Who am I anyway? Why are contracts so incredibly hard to break? Oh, I could be out in L.A.! Why did I sign A thirty-year contract? That’s such a long time. I see that nowwwww..”
[ cut to Mike and the remaining cast back at Home Base ]
Mike Myers: [ singing ] “So tonight’s the night. I’m high as a kite! I can’t explain what this is like, A life-long dream of a Canuck named Mike!”
Cast: “Now you know what total bliss is like!”
Mike Myers: “It’s hosting, It’s hosting, yeah!”
Cast: You look like a completely different Mike!”
Mike Myers: “I’m hosting, I’m hosting, yeah!”
Cast: “Laa laa laa laa, laa laa laa laa laa!”
[ Mike tap dances ]
“Laa laa laa laa, laa laa laa laa laa!”
Mike Myers: [ pulled high by wires ]
“Look at me! Way up high! Way up here, in the sky!”
Cast: “Look at him! Way up high! Way up there, in the sky!”
Betty Boothroyd…..Molly Shannon Clive Budgen…..Darrell Hammond John Major…..Mike Myers Paddy Donahoe…..Colin Quinn Michael Shersby…..Will Ferrell Simon Coombs…..Mark McKinney Roderick Richards…..Tim Meadows
[ open on image of the House of Parliament, over C-Span graphics ]
Announcer: Next on C-Span: From the British House of Commons in London, the Prime Minister’s Questions. This is a 15-minute period set aside each Tuesday and Thursday, for Prime Minister John Major to take questions from fellow members of the House of Commons. And now, Thursday’s section.
[ dissolve to interior, Parliament, where chaos seems to be in order; Speaker Betty Boothroyd tries to maintain the room. ]
Betty Boothroyd: Order!! Order!! Question to the Prime Minister, Mr. Clive Budgen.
Clive Budgen: Does the Prime Minister agree with me.. that the parking situation in Benchley has become intolerable.. and that if the residents of Weymouth refuse to transport their carriages elsewhere.. then they shall only be allowed to park 9 to 5 fortnight!
[ the crowd cheers their approval ]
John Major: Uh.. yes, yes.. yes, yes.. If the right honorable gentleman from the Labor Party were to spend less time concerning himself with the parking situation, and more time preventing the closure of canals, then perhaps he could take the ferry into work, thereby ridding the streets of one.. less.. drunk driver!
[ the crowd gets rowdy ]
Betty Boothroyd: Order, please!! Please! Question to the Prime Minister, Mr. Paddy Donahoe!
Paddy Donahoe: What does the Prime Minister plan to do about the removal of British troops from Northern Ireland?
[ the crowd gets rowdy ]
John Major: Uh, yes.. yes.. Let me ask the right honorable gentleman from Belfast something. What does he plan to do about the removal of Guinness from his liver?
Paddy Donahoe: Okay, follow-up question: Will the Prime Minister be driving his usual car home tonight?
[ John Major expresses a worried look on his face ]
Betty Boothroyd: Question to the Prime Minister, Mr. Michael Shersby.
Michael Shersby: [ seemingly distracted ] How can.. the Prime minister.. support a law.. that makes it illegal for people.. who.. [ gets to the real point he’s been fidgeting with ] ..What I’m trying to say is.. Oasis rules!
Betty Boothroyd: [ sternly ] Mr. Shersby!! You’ve been warned seven times this month to stop bringing up Oasis!
Michael Shersby: But is not Oasis the greatest British band since the Beatles? Can we not vote on this?!
Betty Boothroyd: Enough! Enough!! No votes will be taken on the subject of Oasis! Question, Mr. Simon Coombs!
Simon Coombs: [ smiling broadly with crooked teeth as he speaks, the camera zooming in on those flawed teeth ] Yes, uh.. regarding the Prime Minister’s health care clause, I would like to point out that, in no way, does England need anything as frivilous as national dental care! Very good!
Betty Boothroyd: Alright, moving on. Question to the Prime Minister, Mr. Roderick Richard.
Roderick Richards: Uh, yes.. what does the Prime Minister intend to do about the horrible rise of drug abuse our commonwealth is facing, particularly among the working class and the minorities?
John Major: Yes, yes, yes, yes.. I suggest the right honorable gentleman from Barnsley spend more time reading my legislation, and less time smoking ganja and listening to ska.
[ the crowd gets rowdy ]
Betty Boothroyd: Orderrrrr! Question to the Prime minister, Mr. Paddy Donahoe.
Paddy Donahoe: [ holding up a small package wrapped in paper ] Would the Prime Minster mind carrying this package home tonight?
[ John Major expresses another worried look on his face ]
Clive Budgen: [ suddenly stands, clamping his hands over his man-breasts area ] I’m wearing ladies underwear!!
[ the crowd becomes rowdy with approval ]
Betty Boothroyd: Orderrrr!! Orderrrr!! Question for the Prime Minister, Mr. Michael Shersby!
Michael Shersby: What steps has the Prime Minister.. taken to prevent Liam Gallagher from leaving?
John Major: Uh.. yes. what exactly is the right gentleman talking about, and who is Liam Gallagher?!
Michael Shersby: He is the lead singer of Oasis! And if he leaves, it will be be bloody awful!
[ the crowd grows rowdy again ]
John Major: Sit down! sit down! Ghastly man, sit down!
Clive Budgen: I’m still wearing ladies underwear!!
[ the crowd becomes rowdy with approval ]
[ suddenly, Michael Shersby breaks into the chorus of the Oasis song “Wonderwall” ]
John Major: Sit down! Sit down!
Betty Boothroyd: Order! Order!
Announcer: This concludes another session of the Prime Minister’s questions from the House of Commons.
[ John Major stands upon his chair and begins to punch Michael Shersby in the mouth, trying to get him to stop singing the songs of Oasis ]
Bridget West…..Molly Shannon Bill Forrest…..Mark McKinney “Skunk” Merrill…..Tim Meadows Patty Fisher…..Ana Gasteyer Joe Fisher…..Mike Myers
[ open on title graphic; dissolve to hostess Bridget West, a young woman with gray in her hair ]
Bridget West: Hi! I’m Bridget West, and welcome to “Prematurely Gray”, the show that celebrates being prematurely gray. My first guest today is Bill Forrest. He’s a science teacher from Denver, Colorado. Hi, Bill!
Bill Forrest: [ with full gray hair, looks especially dignified ] Hi, Bridget!
Bridget West: [ giggles ] Now, I see that you have a beautiful head of white hair there, Bill. May I ask you, how old are you?
Bill Forrest: I’m 28 years old.
Bridget West: Wow! A spring chicken. And, when did you start going gray?
Bill Forrest: Well, I started going gray when I was fourteen. My hair was completely white by the time I went to college.
Bridget West: And what do you think are some of the benefits of going completely gray?
Bill Forrest: Well.. I’m a teacher.. so I like the respect I get from the kids, because they think I’m older, it sort of gives me an instant air of authority! Uh..
Bridget West: It sounds like going prematurely gray has been a positive thing for you, then?
Bill Forrest: Well, it hasn’t all been great. I got teased a lot in school. They’d call me Peter Gray-ves, or ask me if I was a member of the band The Bleach Boys. [ chuckles ]
Bridget West: Aw, that must have hurt..
Bill Forrest: Not really. I’d just say, “Obviously, I’m not Peter Graves, I wish I had his talent..” and.. at the time, I actually was in a band called The Bleach Boys. It was made up of kids who were all prematurely gray; we sang standards! [ laughs ]
Bridget West: Thank you for being here, Bill! Okay, my next guest is “Skunk” Merrill. He’s a pastry chef from Atlanta Georgia! Hi, “Skunk”!
“Skunk” Merrill: [ has black hair, except for a gray stripe down the middle ] Hi, Bridget! Hey, uh, you wanna guess why I got the nickname “Skunk”? [ laughs ]
Bridget West: [ laughing ] “Skunk”, when did you go prematurely gray?
“Skunk” Merrill: Well, I think I was about seventeen when I noticed some salt in my pepper. I-I never minded it, ’cause, you know, the ladies say, uh.. “Snow on the roof, fire in the oven!” [ laughs ]
Bridget West: [ laughing ] I would hope that the men say that, too!
“Skunk” Merrill: [ laughing ]
Bridget West: [ laughing ]
“Skunk” Merrill: No, we really don’t.
Bridget West: Now, “Skunk”, are there any downsides to going gray so young?
“Skunk” Merrill: Well, I’ll tell you – the only thing that really grates my onion is when I’m decorating a cake, and people will say, “Hey, “Skunk”! You got frosting in your hair!” You know? And I know they’re referring to my stripe, and I’ll tell you, that irritates the crap out of me.
Bridget West: So, bing different isn’t always fun? Okay, my next guests are a prematurely gray husband and wife from La Salle, Illinois. Please welcome Joe and Patty Fisher.
[ Joe and Patty have the same shade of gray hair, and shake nervously in their seats, as though they’d prefer not to be on the show this evening ]
Patty Fisher: Hi there..
Joe Fisher: Hi.. hi..
Bridget West: Now, I just cannot get over this. You are both 31 years old, and you are both prematurely gray. Is it a coincidence, or were you attracted to each other’s gorgeous white locks?
Joe Fisher: [ hesitant ] Neither of us were gray when we got married..
Bridget West: Huh. That’s so odd. So, which one of you went gray first?
Joe Fisher: We both did, at the same time..
Patty Fisher: On the same night..
Bridget West: [ excited ] Well, what a match made in heaven!
Joe Fisher: We both survived a terrible plane crash in 1991. There were only a few survivors.
Patty Fisher: The plane lost power, and we plummeted in total darkness for four minutes, before crashing into a retention pond.
Bridget West: [ quickly ] Okay, let’s get back to your hair.. Um.. what would you say are some of the bad aspects of being gray?
Joe Fisher: Well, I’d have to say that.. being gray is a constant horrifying reminder of the worst moment of our lives..
Patty Fisher: It haunts me every agonizing minute of the day..
Bridget West: Yeah, but don’t you also think that young people with gray hair look sort of sexy, in a way?
Joe Fisher: Well, ever since the crash.. my wife and I have not been interested in anything in the sex department..
Bridget West: Well, I think you’re both knockouts – what do you think, “Skunk”?
“Skunk” Merrill: [ getting excited ] Yeah! I think they’re both pretty sexy! But, then again, I’m a dirty little dog! [ laughs ]
Bridget West: [ laughing ] I thought you were a skunk!
“Skunk” Merrill: [ laughing harder ]
Bill Forrest: You know, I’d just like to say: I wish my wife had gone gray with me, it would have given us something to talk about, you know? [ hitting a revelation ] Hey! Maybe I should book her a flight! [ laughs ]
Bridget West: [ seductively ] I think that prematurely gray people tend to be very competent and witty, too.
Bill Forrest: [ touched ] Ooh.. why, thank you, Bridget!
Bridget West: Mmm..
Joe Fisher: [ suddenly ] May we go? I don’t feel well..
Patty Fisher: [ shaking ] The lights are scaring me..
Bridget West: Just.. just one last question: What do you like best about being prematurely gray?
Patty Fisher: Nothing..
Joe Fisher: Not one blessed thing..
Bridget West: Boy, are you two downers.. Now, most prematurely gray people are funloving, very positive individuals. You’re giving us a bad name.
“Skunk” Merrill: [ eyeballing Patty coyly ] You know, you’re a cutie, though! [ laughs ]
Joe Fisher: [ gives “Skunk” the evil eye ]
“Skunk” Merrill: [ holds up his hands and backs off ] O-kay! Okay! [ laughs ] “Skunk”‘s gonna shut his little dirty dog trap now! [ laughs ]
Bridget West: Alright. Thank you for joining us on “Prematurely Gray”. Check out our website at phildonahue.com. I’m Bridget West. Good night!
Mike Myers: Thank you very much! Thank you to Aerosmith! Thank you to the cast! Thank you, Robin! I love you, Robin – you wrote great sketches! Thak you, Robin! Happy Birthday, Davey Mack, I love you! Thank you, everybody! Thank you very much!
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers Stephanie…..Ana Gasteyer
Linda Richman: Welcome to “Coffee Talk”. I’m your host, Linda Richan – Richman. Sorry. I’m still filling in for Paul Baldwin, who never despite all the treatments had a recurrence of shpilkes in his genecktageesoink. I just spent a few weeks in Boca visiting him, and knock on wood, pooh pooh pooh, his color is good, his spirits are high, and God bless the man – he can still beat me in Canasta flying boltiks, so go figure. Today I have a very special guest, she lives in the city in a rent-controlled junior 4 with a terrorist and a doorman, please welcome my cousin Stephanie. How are you?
Stephanie: Thank you, Linda. I also have a window in the kitchen, and heat and utilities are included.
Linda Richman: Can you believe? Stephanie is so lucky she has a horseshoe up her ass!
Stephanie: I believe in karma. You give, and then you get.
Linda Richman: Tell them what happened.
Stephanie: Years ago…
Linda Richman: True story.
Stephanie: I was on the game show “Sale of the Century” hosted by Joe Garagiola. P.S., long story short, I won a week in Florida at the Fountain Blue Hotel, and a lifetime supply of Jean Nate.
Linda Richman: Not too shabby.
Stephanie: No, but here’s the clinker: they give you the lifetime supply all at once. I had to get a room at Manhattan Mini-Storage for 50 bucks a month. I’m the only schmuck in New York City who pays rent for body splash!
Linda Richman: You know what, you should sell that stuff and buy yourself something nice with the money, like a studded piece of jewelry, or a gorgeous outfit, or no offense, but do you know how many skin tacks you can get removed for that kind of money? It’s a [speaks unintelligible Yiddish].
Stephanie: Exactly.
Linda Richman: So, Stephanie and I are getting ready for Monday night, because she’s throwing an Oscar party.
Stephanie: It’s not a party. I’m just gonna get a platter of franks in a blanket from Zabar’s and some butter rolls.
Linda Richman: Ach, I love butter rolls. They’re like… well, they’re like butter. Anyway, we have lots of predictions to make and many disappointments to share. To begin with, three of the top most talented women in show business were not nominated: Debbie Reynolds, Ma-donger, and yes, Barbara Streisand. It makes me very emotional. I’m getting a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: Rhode Island is neither a rhode nor an island. There, I feel better. I feel better.
Stephanie: Wait; I almost forgot the other one that wasn’t nominated, that Courtney Love. She’s a singer too.
Linda Richman: Ach. Hey, she looks like my pupik. Also, may I just say something, what was with that movie “The English Patient”?
Stephanie: I liked it.
Linda Richman: What’s to like? That movie made me feel like The Mental Patient. And don’t get me started with the actors’ names. Ray-ph Fiennes? I don’t think so. It’s Ralph, honey. What, do you think I buy my Polo by Ray-ph Lauren? And what was with her name – Kristen Scott Thomas? Girl, boy, boy. Who are you? Pick a gender!
Stephanie: I’ll tell you what I didn’t get – that “Secrets and Lies” movie. That movie was so long, my bangs grew in before it was over.
Linda Richman: You want to hear a secret and a lie? The movie’s great. Anyway, the good news is that Billy Crystal is hosting this year, who I love!
Stephanie: Oh, me too! He was on my airplane once. He had a vegetarian meal and a Diet Pepsi.
Linda Richman: See, I told you she was lucky! She gets Billy Crystal on her plane! I get the Snapple lady! I have no muzzle! Anyway, as a tribute to Billy Crystal and the entire Academy Awards, Stephanie and I have worked on a little number. Hit it!
[piano plays]
Both: “It’s a wonderful night for Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, Who will win?”
Linda Richman: And our predictions are…
Stephanie: “You’ll win the Oscar, it’s no contest, Lauren You were without a doubt the best Baccall!”
[to the tune of “Big Spender”]
Linda Richman:“The minute he walks on the screen, I could tell Bill Macy would get an Oscar, Not Paul Fargo! Hey, Bill Macy! You… were also great on Marge!”
Stephanie: He was the best.
[to the tune of “Old MacDonald”]
Stephanie:“Frances McDormand made a film, O-S-C-A-R! It’s called Fargo and she was great, O-S-C-A-R!”
[to the tune of “Papa Can You Hear Me”]
Linda Richman: “Tom Cruise, can you hear me? Tom Cruise, can you see me? Tom Cruise, can you hear them call your name?”
[to the tune of “One”]
Stephanie: “That… movie about the pianist, Really made me cry and laugh!”
Linda Richman:“I… wasn’t even grossed out, When he took a crap in the bath!”
Both:“Oy vey, this movie is so fine, And we even saw it online! And the winner is Stahl!”
Linda Richman: Okay, that’s all the time we have! I’m Linda Richman! This is my cousin Steffy!
Mary Katherine Gallagher Mary Katherine Gallagher auditions to be in latest Aerosmith video. Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Coffee Talk Linda Richman (Myers) & cousin (Ana Gasteyer) sing Oscar medley. Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.
British Parliament John Major (Myers) deals with unnecessary issues like the plight of Oasis.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald Dominican Lou (Tracy Morgan) comments on the Academy Awards. President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) reviews “Absolute Power”. Recurring Characters: Dominican Lou, President Bill Clinton.
Aerosmith performs “Falling in Love”
Sprockets Dieter (Myers) and lover (Will Ferrell) present the Insane Academy Awards. Recurring Characters: Dieter.
Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly Andy (Myers) & Ian (Mark McKinney) are discourteous to Irish soccer fan (Jim Breuer). Recurring Characters: Andy, Ian.
Aerosmith performs “Nine Lives”
Prematurely Gray Panelists discuss the nature of their early gray hairs.
Tito Jackson Album Tito Jackson (Tracy Morgan) needs to eat, too, so buy his album.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, thank you. I’m NormMacDonald and now the fake news. Our top storytonight:
Yesterday, President Clinton underwent a two houroperation to repair damage to his knee suffered in afall while visiting in Florida at the home ofprofessional golfer Greg Norman. Many were surprisedto hear that the two were on friendly terms since GregNorman had once threatened that if he ever caughtClinton with his wife again he’d smash his kneecapwith a 5-iron.
The President spent last night at Bethesda NavalHospital in a private room which he shared with threeChinese businessmen who came up with the required twohundred thousand dollars. [applause]
More bad news for O. J. This week, Harper Collinsreached an agreement with the Brown family to publishhis late wife’s diary. Especially troublesome toSimpson is this final entry: “Dear Diary, I have torun now because O. J.’s here to murder me … and alsothe guy who returned my glasses. I think he mightmurder him, too!”
In North Carolina, a legislative panel has agreed on abill which guarantees a murder victim’s family twofront-row seats to watch the execution. The ruling hasangered both North Carolina’s death penalty opponentsAND death penalty season ticket holders.
And in Fairbanks, Alaska, a new high-tech emergencyphone system will give operators the name and addressof anyone who calls 911. [pulls a small tape recorderout of his jacket pocket, activates it, and speaksquietly into it] Note to self: Ahh, don’t make anymore prank 911 calls … in Fairbanks, Alaska. [triesto return recorder, misses pocket several times] … Iknow I have a pocket here somewhere …
President Clinton this week declined an offer byRepublicans to form a bipartisan commission to scaleback annual increases in Social Security. Asked why herejected the proposal, the President said, quote:”Personally, I liked the idea of a bipartisancommission. However, the two Chinese guys who gave mea million dollars, they – they didn’t go for it!” …They – they just didn’t like the idea.
[Photo of Heinz ketchup bottle label] And in financialnews, H. J. Heinz has announced plans to lay off threethousand workers. According to company spokesmen,employees who refuse to budge will be turned over andshaken vigorously until they slide out. … [applause]… Much like ketchup!
Norm MacDonald: Well, St. Patrick’s Day isalmost upon us. Here with an editorial, my goodfriend, Colin Quinn! Hey, Colin. [cheers and applause,pan over to a slightly drunken Colin Quinn who wavesto the camera and holds a clear plastic cup which ishalf full of ice cubes and wine]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Lastyear at this time, I told you about some of the St.Patrick’s Day hazards. But it’s more than wearinggreen and punching people in the face. It’s supposedto honor Saint Patrick, a thirteenth century saint whowore green and punched people in the face. I rememberone year, I went to the parade, I got all dressed upin the religious garb of the holiday: the buttons, thederby, the shillelagh, and I had the half pint ofSouthern Comfort, all the trappings of New York,enfant terrible, whatever. [to Norm who has saidnothing] What? [drinks from his cup]
Norm MacDonald: Started celebrating a littleearly there, did ya, Col?
Colin Quinn: [laughs, wipes his mouth, garbleshis next line] On those St. Patrick’s Day’s you floundout– You flound– Flah– Found out. Found out. [toNorm] See, you messed me up.
Norm MacDonald: [quietly supportive] No, no.Just keep going, it’s good.
Colin Quinn: [to Norm, waving dismissively]You’re ridiculous. You’re a ridiculous person. [triesto continue] If you found out that your green beer–[to Norm] I’m tryin’ to say somethin’ here.
Norm MacDonald: I – I know. Colin, it’s good.Keep going.
Colin Quinn: [sarcastic, to Norm] Oh, thank youfor your approval … Mr. Weekend Update WittyComedian, whatever … All right. You said I’m doin’good so I must be doin’ good, then. Thanks. [knockscup over, spilling ice on Update desk, then pushes iceback into cup]
Norm MacDonald: [to the camera] It’s live TV,folks, I’m sorry about–
Colin Quinn: You never knocked over a cupbefore, Norm? We had free wine backstage after thething, so…
Norm MacDonald: What do you mean, “we”? Who’s”we”?
Colin Quinn: We, we. We, me, you. Look … It’sridiculous. Now, I gotta hear from Lorne Michaels, youknow, “This is not the way we do it on the show. Yougotta play by the rules.” And Jim Downey, “Colin,that’s not how we do things.” I wanted to talk aboutSt. Patrick’s Day. And they made me cut out the partthat I was – needed to explain to you people.
Norm MacDonald: All right. [tries to wrap itup] Colin Quinn, everybody! Colin Quinn!
Colin Quinn: Don’t do that, Norm! Don’t youdare do that! Don’t you patronize me!
Norm MacDonald: No, I’m not, uh–
Colin Quinn: I was a comedian longer than you!I was on “Remote Control,” Norm! [cheers and applause]Yeah. You infantile jerk. Garbage. This is bushleague! Garbage! Bush league! Bush league!
Norm MacDonald: [gestures to someone offscreen] Okay, come on in, please. [two uniformedsecurity guards enter and gesture for Colin to leavequietly] Sorry, Colin.
Colin Quinn: [willingly rises] Okay! You’rebush league, Norm. Bush league. [exits with guards,applause]
Norm MacDonald: He’s a – he’s a – he’s a – theguy just shouldn’t – he shouldn’t drink. He’s a good -he’s a good guy.
In Portland, Oregon, eight anthropologists are incourt arguing the constitutional right to study aninety-three hundred year old Native American skeletonwhich a local tribe wants to re-bury. Though the casehas merit, authorities are suspicious that one of thepeople involved in the suit is not really ananthropologist. [Photo of Michael Jackson, Norm jerksa thumb at the photo frantically] It’s – it’s this guyover here!
In New York, police have arrested a local Queens man,whom they are calling the “serial fondler.”Apparently, the man suffers from an intense desire torun up behind women and squeeze their buttocks.Psychologists call this impulse, quote, “normal.”
This week, the White House asked Congress to authorizeone hundred and seventy-five billion dollars in fundsfor highway construction, mass transit, and othertransportation projects. The President’s plan hassignificant support in Congress but many Washingtoninsiders are wondering how exactly this benefitsChina.
In New Mexico this week, lawmakers passed a measure toabolish the state’s fifteen year statute oflimitations on first-degree murder. [pulls outrecorder again] Note to self: Cancel plans to returnto New Mexico. [nods thoughtfully, grins, returnsrecorder]
Asked recently what will set his new Batman film apartfrom it’s predecessors, “Batman and Robin” directorJoel Schumacher said, quote: “In this one, all thecostumes will have nipples.” [Norm pulls out recorderone last time] Note to self: Do not watch the next”Batman and Robin.” [nods, grins, returnsrecorder]
In Duluth, Minnesota, authorities suspect arson was toblame for a fire that destroyed a mobile home andkilled seventy-three cats. The chief suspect so far:this dog. [Photo of dog] … Dogs don’t care for catsmuch, you know? [chuckles] How could they not knowthat?!
Norm MacDonald: The revival of the musical”Annie” is soon to hit Broadway but not withoutcontroversy. Last year, or last week, rather, the starof the show, twelve year old Joanna Pacitti wasabruptly replaced with her eight year old understudy,Brittny Kissinger. We have invited the recently firedtot to Update to see how she is dealing with thisunfortunate turn of events. Hi, Joanna! [applause fora grinning, robotic Joanna Pacitti, dressed as LittleOrphan Annie in red wig, red and white dress, etc. Sheis an obnoxiously loud and chipperpsycho-Annie.]
Joanna Pacitti: Hi, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: H-hi. Gee, Joanna, you know,I’m really sorry to hear what happened. You’ve beenthrough a lot in these past few weeks and– How areyou dealing with all this?
Joanna Pacitti: Well, Norm, I just think, “Hey!What would Annie do?!” And she’d say, “Gosh! It’s ahard knock life but the sun’ll come out tomorrow!”[takes a deep breath and starts to sing] The–
Norm MacDonald: [quickly interrupts] Oooookay,okay. Okay, that’s good. Now, you know, uh, I seeyou’re still wearing the costume from the show. You’regonna be takin’ that off soon I guess, huh?
Joanna Pacitti: What costume, Norm?!
Norm MacDonald: Okay, I, uh– I hear now alsothat you’ve been – you’ve been postering child–you’ve been pestering, rather, child welfare to placeyou in an orphanage. Why, why an orphanage?
Joanna Pacitti: Well, where else would anorphan stay, silly?! I mean, a chicken stays in achicken coop, right?! Here, Sandy! Wanna treat?! [putsa furry, mechanical toy pig on the Update desk andoffers it a dog treat shaped like a bone] Fetch!Catch! Jump, Sandy! FETCH, SANDY!!! [hurls the treataway as Norm chuckles nervously at her irrationalbehavior, the pig oinks and wiggles its tail]
Norm MacDonald: Hey, ya got a toy pig, there.[Joanna is so preoccupied with Sandy the pig that Normmust raise his voice to get her attention] Listen, uh,you know, Joanna, Joanne! Uh, there’s someone elsewho’s concerned about you and, uh, would like to wishyou well, we’ve got here on, uh–
Joanna Pacitti: Daddy Warbucks?!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, it’s not DaddyWarbucks. No. No, it’s your replacement, it’s adorableBrittny Kissinger, coming to us live from rehearsal.Hi, Brittny!
[Cut to Brittny Kissinger, just as obnoxiously loudand chipper as Joanna and also dressed as LittleOrphan Annie. She stands in front of a brick wall uponwhich is painted: Martin Beck Theatre STAGE DOOR.SUPER: Live / Martin Beck Theatre]
Brittny Kissinger: Hi, Norm! I’m havin’ ablast!
[Cut back to the WU desk where Joanna has torn off herred wig and is crying silently at the sight of Brittnyas Annie]
Norm MacDonald: Oh, that’s great! Brittny …Brittny, is there something you want to say to Joannehere?
[Cut to Brittny]
Brittny Kissinger: There sure is, Norm! [piano music in, sings the show’s hit song,”Tomorrow”] The sun’ll come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll besun!
[Cut to Joanna, clutching her wig, her make-upsmeared, crying horribly; Cut to Brittny, singing herheart out]
Brittny Kissinger: [sings] Jus’ thinking about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow Till there’s none
[Cut to Joanna, a lit cigarette in her mouth as sherepeatedly and violently stabs Sandy the pig with ahuge knife; Cut to Brittny]
Brittny Kissinger: [sings] Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, You’re always a day away! Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow, You’re always …
[Cut to Joanna, kneeling atop the WU desk, cigarettestill in mouth, waving a gun, screamingincomprehensibly; the two security guards return tograb her]
Joanna Pacitti:… a day away! [yellingat the guards as they try to drag her off] Get off me!Get off me! I’m the real Annie! Get off me, you fatbastard! Get off me, you fat bastard!
[Joanna and the guards exit, applause – During thestruggle, Joanna’s lit cigarette pops out of her mouthand lands on the desk, right next to Norm who focusesall his attention on it. He picks it up and looksaround for a way to dispose of it. When it becomesclear that no one is coming to take the burning buttaway, he finally holds it casually and addresses thecamera.]
Norm MacDonald: [ironic] Well, that was fun,wasn’t it? [tries to balance the cigarette on itsfilter atop the desk but someone off screen gets hisattention] What’s that? Yeah, I know. [sees the cuecard] Oh, you want me to say that? [looks off screenfor confirmation] You’d like me to say that? [readsoff cue card] “Thanks, ladies. And parents: keep yourkids out of show business!” [turns to another camera]I said it!
Weekend Update’s… [the screen abruptly goes dark,view shifts to another camera, Norm doesn’t realizethis and continues to face the dead camera whiletrying to hold the cigarette nonchalantly] … 1997survey of the “Most Dangerous Jobs in America” is outtoday. The biggest change, last year’s Number One,”West Coast Rap Star”– [Norm finally realizes he’slooking into the wrong camera, looks into the livecamera] You know, it would probably be better if I wasover on this camera… [cheers and applause, the viewshifts, a grinning Norm turns to the live camera]Okay. Well, now that I’m over on this camera, it’dprobably be better if you put the cards over here![greater cheers and applause, Norm puts the cigaretteon the edge of the desk, starts reading the cue cardsagain] … last year’s Number One … [stops reading]Let’s– Why don’t we start at the start of the jokenow?! [long pause while the cue card person organizesthe cards] Okay, no, this is all right. I’ll just makeit up. …
The 1997 “Most Dangerous Jobs in America” is out. Andthis year a little bit of a change. Last year’s NumberOne — “West Coast Rap Star”… [Norm glances aroundas if expecting another screw-up] … has been knockedout of the top spot by the new most dangerous job inAmerica: “East Coast Rap Star.” [mild reaction fromthe crowd] … Imagine if it had all gone well![applause as Norm grins and nods]
And, finally, next week, people everywhere willcelebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Or, as alcoholics referto it, Monday.
That’s it, folks! Good night!
[Norm flashes a peace sign and starts taking themicrophone off his necktie. Applause. Music. Dissolveto the WEEKEND UPDATE graphic.]
Don West…Will Ferrell Eddie Lewis….Chris Kattan Jeff….Jim Breuer ….Mark Hamill
[Opens with the Shopping at Home Network logo. Theme music. Cut to Don and Eddie with their wild behavior and mustaches. “Star Wars” and “The Empire Strikes Back” posters are up in the back of the TV studio]
Don West: We are back here at the Shop at Home Network. I’m Don West.
Eddie Lewis: And I’m Eddie Lewis.
Don West: And we still have another 4 hours to go on our “Star Wars” bonanza.
Eddie Lewis: That is right, Don. And this “Star Wars” merchandise is been flying out the door like crazy!
Don West: Certainly has. Unfortunately, we are completely sold out of the Jawa’s ashtrays.
Eddie Lewis: That is beautiful! Really missed out on that one!
[Close-up on the Jawa ashtray. Four action figures Jawas glued to an ashtray]
Caption: Sold out.
Don West: But we are sold out of those.
Eddie Lewis: No more Jawa ashtrays but we still have fifty “Star Wars” baseball cards collection left.
Don West: And that includes the “Chewbacca if he played for the Brewers card”.
[Close-up on baseball card of Chewbacca dressed as a baseball player holding a bat]
Eddie Lewis: That is lovely.
Don West: He’s a second base man there.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, beautiful item.
Don West: That is a good looking card.
Eddie Lewis: That’s a winner. Right now we want to bring out an item which we have only one of.
Don West: Now, this is pretty much the ultimate “Star Wars” collectible.
Eddie Lewis: By far.
Don West: Jeff, why don’t you bring out the item? If you could.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, what do we got here?
[Jeff enters with a handcuffed man wearing a black hood over his head. Jeff wears a similar mustache]
Jeff: Well, I’m gonna show you.
Don West: What do we got here?
Jeff: I’m gonna show ya’.[takes the hood from the man’s head and its actor Mark Hamill] This is the actual Mark Hamill!!
Caption: Mark Hamill
Eddie Lewis: That’s beautiful!
Jeff: The actual!
Don West: Amazing!
Eddie Lewis: Hell of a guy!
Jeff: The actual!
Don West: Apparently, now correct me if I’m wrong, but apparently we kidnapped him and forced him at gunpoint which allows us to sell him.
Eddie Lewis: Right.
Jeff: Got to do what you got to do.
Mark Hamill: How is it going, everybody?
Don West: Now, how much is this item going for?
Jeff: I’m gonna tell ya’. This item–are you ready? Is going for $80,000 dollars!!
Caption: Mark Hamill $80,000
Eddie Lewis: THAT IS A HELL OF A DEAL!
Don West: Now ordinarily, you’re gonna pay 100 grand for Mark Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: At least! This is a great item! If you’re at home, you can make your own “Star Wars” sequels with a camcorder!
Don West: Sure. You can make him interact with your own “Star Wars” action figures also.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, you can just have him stand on the lawn and wave at the neighbors!
Mark Hamill: Now, wait a minute, you guys, that wasn’t part of the agreement. I specifically said “No waving”.
Don West: And this is not a counterfeit Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: Real McCoy.
Don West: I know last year we sold a Hamill that turned out to be a Bruce Boxleitner.
Eddie Lewis: Oh, yeah. But, we assure you this is the Mark Hamill!
Caption: Not Bruce Boxleitner
Jeff: Absolutely. Just listen to him say “May the force be with you”.
Eddie Lewis: Go on, Mark.
Mark Hamill: Wait a minute, I didn’t even say that in the movie.
Don West: Just say it, Mark. Say it.
Mark Hamill:[sighs]”May the force be with you”.
Eddie Lewis: WOW!
[Eddie, Jeff and Don laugh. Telephone rings]
Don West: Fantastic! I think we have a buyer! Hello, caller.
[Voice of caller from the telephone]
Caller: Yeah, I’m thinking about buying this guy but, um, I wanna be sure he’s the real thing. Can you make him say “Luke, I am your father”.
Mark Hamill: W-wait a minute, caller. Now, I didn’t say that. Darth Vader said it.
Don West: Just play ball, Hamill.
Eddie Lewis: Just do it.
Don West: Just play ball.
Mark Hamill: All right.[deep voice]”Luke, I am your father.”
Don West: That’s nice.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, beautiful.
Caller: Uh, I’m sorry, man. That sucked.[hangs up]
Eddie Lewis: THAT WAS YOUR LOSS!
Don West: Ok, people out there may be worried because they’re wondering “where are we gonna keep a Mark Hamill?”
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, he’s easy to care for. Go ahead, tell them, Mark.
Mark Hamill: Well, I can live in the basement. I mainly eat bread and apples.
Don West: That sounds like no hassle at all!
Eddie Lewis: No problems!
Don West: Now, think about it—you can ask Luke Skywalker all the questions you always wanted to ask him.
Eddie Lewis: Yeah, like this–hey, Luke, is C3PO gay?
Mark Hamill: Uh, no. He was a robot.
Don West: Or like this—hey, Luke, what was Yoda really like?
Eddie Lewis: Great question.
Mark Hamill: What are you talking about? He was a puppet.
Don West: OF THE EMPIRE?! NO WAY!
Eddie Lewis: I NEVER KNEW THAT!
[telephone rings]
Eddie Lewis: Ok, I think this is it!
Don West: Hello, caller. Caller?
[Caller over the phone]
Caller: Make him say “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”.
Mark Hamill: Oh, come on! That was “Apocalypse Now”.
[Don and Eddie stare at Mark]
Mark Hamill: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
Caller: [laughs]Say “sit on it” like Fonzie.
Mark Hamill: “Hey, sit on it!”
Caller: Say “I’m kissing your neck and you’re my love toy”
Don West: Ok, caller. We gotta move on.[hangs up]
Eddie Lewis: Ok, listen up people, listen to me. Forget that he’s Luke Skywalker. This is a human being! We’re selling it! Here!
Don West: Hell, you can make him lift heavy objects for you.
Eddie Lewis: Or you can make him dust the house in a French-maid outfit.
[telephone rings]
Don West: Hello, caller. What’s your name? And where are you from?
Caller: This is Harrison Ford. Hollywood.
Don West: Oh, wow.
Mark Hamill: Hey, Harrison! Thank God!
Harrison Ford: Hey, you guys already stuck me with the Bruce Boxleitner. Had to put him to sleep. Are you sure that’s really Hamill?
Don West: We guarantee it!
Mark Hamill: Come on! Of course its me! We worked together 3 times! Come on!
Harrison Ford: Aw, what the hell?[yawns] I’ll take it.[hangs up]
Caption: Sold out.
Eddie Lewis: All right!
Mark Hamill: Yes![leaves]
Eddie Lewis: That is great! We are sold out of Mark Hamill!! Totally sold out of them!
Don West: We’re sold out! They’re gone!
Eddie Lewis: Out!
Don West: Next up, we’re gonna be offering Kenny Baker, the guy that was inside R2D2 for only $3,000!
Caption: Kenny Baker $3,000.
Eddie Lewis: $3,000 DOLLARS! I’VE SEEN KENNY BAKER GO FOR FIVE GRAND!!
General: People of Argentina, your esteemed presidente, Juan Peron!
Crowd: Peron! Peron! Peron!
Juan Peron: [ steps onto the balcony with wife Eva by his side ] Argentina, let the world know that our great nation is awakening. They will carve peace into the humble bodies of Juan Peron, and his wife, Eva Peron.
Eva Peron: [ singing ] “Don’t cry for me, Argentina The truth is I never left you All through my wild days My mad existence I kept my promise Don’t keep your distance.”
Juan Peron: What the hell was that?
Eva Peron: What was what?
Juan Peron: You were singing.
Eva Peron: Oh.. I, I, I did, didn’t I?
Juan Peron: Yeah, yeah, don’t do that! [ to crowd ] Heh heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh. As I was saying, I came from the people! And..
Eva Peron: [ takes microphone and sings again ] “I came from the people They need to adore me To Christine Dior me From my head to my toes I need to be dazzling I want to be rainbow high! They must have excitement And so must I!”
Juan Peron: [ pulls microphone away ] What the hell are you doing, Generalissimo?
General: I don’t know. It just came out.
Juan Peron: Just came out? [ to crowd ] Heh heh heh, I’ll be with you in a second. [ turns back to General ] Look, I appointed you my general because of your strength, your cunning, your tactical brilliance.
General: And my singing voice!
Juan Peron: No! No, not your singing voice! It has nothing to do with your voice! These people don’t need singing. You know what they need? They need an iron fist! They must be treated ruthlessly! They’re filthy, stinking animals! [ to revolting crowd ] Not you people, the other people! You, I, I like! [ to General ] Okay, look, I will speak, and no singing! People of Buenos Aires! [ clapping becomes rythmic ]
Eva Peron: [ sings again, as Soldiers behind her dance ] “What’s new, Buenos Aires I’m new I wanna say I’m a little stuck on you You’ll be on me too.”
Soldiers: [ singing ] “Fill her up with your heat, with your noise With your dirt”
General: “Overdue her!”
Soldiers: [ singing ] “Let her dance to your beat, make it loud Let it hurt.”
General: “Run it through her!”
General and Eva Peron: “Hello, Buenos Aires!”
Juan Peron: Okay, okay. Guess what? You’re not a general any more!
General: I’m confused..
Juan Peron: You’re confused? I’m confused, how did you all learn to sing together like that?
Soldier #1: I was just listening to what he was singing, and then imitated him! I’ll show you. Generalissimo, sing a little more.
General: Hello, Buenos Aires!”
General, Eva, Soldiers: [ singing in chorus ] “I’m new I wanna say I’m a little stuck on you You’ll be stuck on me too.”
[ Soldier #4 prances on ledge; Juan pushes him off ]
Juan Peron: Now, people, we have to work together on this!
General: [ points downward ] Oh, my God! An uprising.
Juan Peron: Yes! Yes! An uprising, of course, with the singing! [ pushes climbing protester off the balcony ] Back, you stinking animal! You stinking, filthy animal! Not you, people! Him! He’s the stinking, filthy..
[ Villagers bust onto the balcony, pointing guns ]
Villager: This is the end, Peron! Any last words?
Juan Peron: Uh.. Yes! Yes! [ feeble attempt to sing ] “Don’t cry for me, Argentina!” Ha ha! People, help me sing a little bit here! I have no musical.. accompaniment. Come on, everybody! Let’s sing! Let’s sing a song!
Villager: Prepare to die!
Juan Peron: Bodyguards! [ they surround him ] Ha! Now, try anything, and my bodyguards will rip you to pieces like this! [ snaps fingers, as bodyguards prance away from him ] Ha.. This is not good.
Everyone: [ singing ] “Don’t cry for me, Argentina The truth is I never left you All through my wild days My mad existence I kept my promise Don’t keep your distance..”
Brendan Boyle…..Colin Quinn Wee Ned Clancy…..Sting Male Leprechaun…..Jim Breuer Female Leprechaun…..Cheri Oteri Black Leprechaun…..Tracy Morgan Female Leprechaun #2…..Molly Shannon Male Leprechaun #2…..Tim Meadows
Announcer: Aye. From a mystical Irish village, it’s “The Brendan Boyle Show”.
Brendan Boyle: Indeed. Welcome to “The Brendan Boyle Show”, a program for leprechauns and people who care about leprechauns. Before we begin, I’d like to thank all of you’s for your cards and letters of suport, but now it’s official – I lost my job as the Lucky Charms spokesman. So, to the folks at General Mills, you can take your yellow moons, blue diamonds and green clovers, and shove them up your ruby-red arse! Now, tonight we are devoting the entire program to a very special guest. His new book – Limericks and Laughs – is a big sensation all over the world. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado: the master of the limerick, Wee Ned Clancy.
[ cut to Wee Ned Clancy sitting atop a giant mushroom ]
Wee Ned Clancy: Ah, thank you, thank you very much, Love! I feel like writing another topic, so let’s go into Wee. Would someone please shout out the name of a place, a town, a city, or a country?
[ audience members murmur ]
Male Leprechaun: Tahiti!
Wee Ned Clancy: Tahiti..
There once was a gal from Tahiti Who cooked for her husband, baked ziti. He took just a bite His face turned all white And said, “That sauce is too meaty!”
[ leprechauns applaud ]
Oh, thank you! That was an easy one. Can I get another one, please?
Female Leprecaun: Poughkeepsie!
Wee Ned Clancy: Poughkeepsie.. [ thinking ]
There once was a man from Poughkeepsie Who mistakenly married a gypsy When cooking beef stew, She said, “Put rum in there, too. And, boy, you’re making me tipsy!”
[ leprechauns relunctantly clap ]
Poughkeepsie, that was a little trouble. But you can do better, give me another.
Black Leprechaun: Aye! Santo Domingo.
Wee Ned Clancy: Santo Domingo.. aye.
“There once was a lady from Santo Domingo Who was wed to a young man who liked to play bingo She cooks him a dinner But it wasn’t a winner It was roast beef that tasted like dingo!”
[ laughs, but gets no response from his audience ]
For those of you who don’t know, the dingo is a wild Australian dog, and believe me, it’s no culinary delight. Now, another place name, please?
Female Leprechaun #2: I don’t have a place, but Ijust wanted to know why all the limericks involve a woman cooking for her husband, and the food not tasting good?
Wee Ned Clancy: Well, saints preserve us. That’s not me intention at all. It must have been sheer coincedence that the theme is so strikingly similar. Now, to make it up to you, here’s a little limerick that I’ve been working on that might change your outlook a bit:
“There once was a whore in the crowd Who spoke foolish nonsense aloud. And, after the show the star came up to her row and gave her a beating that would make Jack Dempsey proud!”
Male Leprechaun #2: Now, look now, Wee Ned! I won’t be letting you talk to me wife like that! I don’t care who you are! And, besides, that last little rhyme had too many syllables!
Wee Ned Clancy: Oh, you don’t like a lot of syllables, do ya? Well, I’ve got a brand new one that’ll simply blow you away with wit and syllabic brevity! You ready?
Male Leprechaun #2: [ unsure ] Uh.. yeah..
Wee Ned Clancy: “There once was a stupid leprechaun, married to a loudmouth idiot woman of a different race!, who interrupted Wee Ned with her little sanciomonious horsecrap! But Wee Ned was happy, ’cause he’s making much more money from this one appearance than this moron couple will make in their entire miserable lives!”
[ a little tiny leprechaun offers a standing ovation for Ned – even the interracial leprechaun couple join in ]
Thank you!
Brendan Boyle: Well, there you have it, then. Thanks for tuning in to this very special episode. Join us next week, when our guests will be the Keebler Elf and David Spade. ‘Til then – up the Irish!
Air Date:
Aerosmith, “Fallin’ In Love”
Note to Self: When jumping from a fake balcony, duck below the camera to create the illusion of reality!
