Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: March 15th, 1997 Sting Veruca Salt Mark Hamill Trudy Styler
A Message From the President of the United States In light of injury, President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) outlines line of succession. Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Janet Reno, Al Gore.
Sting’s Monologue Sting wants support for the rainforest and creatures like Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan). Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.
Evita Juan Peron (Norm MacDonald) is baffled when Eva Perone (Ana Gasteyer) breaks into song.
Middle Agers Middle Agers want to get naked for their crusade.
The Laid Back Neutral MC’s
Shopping At Home Network Mark Hamill is up on Don (Will Ferrell) & Eddie’s (Chris Kattan) sales block. Recurring Characters: Don, Eddie.
Rolf Rolf (Colin Quinn) spreads gossip with his fellow KKKers Recurring Characters: Rolf.
Don Wong…..Jim Breuer Reggie Owens…..Tracy Morgan Mr. Fox…..Alec Baldwin Sarah…..Cheri Oteri French Maid…..Molly Shannon
1970’s ADULT FILM MUSIC PLAYS
A montage of photographs shows DON WONG & REGGIE OWENS posing with attractive adult films actresses from the 1970’s.
Announcer (V/O): Don Wong and Reggie Owens were two of the biggest porn stars in the 70’s. But their increasing disgust with the lifestyle led them to turn their back on the porn industry in an attempt to lead decent, honorable lives. This is their story… Wong & Owens — Ex-Porn Stars.
SUPER: Wong & Owens Ex-Porn Stars.
INT. OFFICE — MORNING
Don & Wong stand side-by-side. Both dressed in 1970’s clothing.
Don Wong: Man, we got to get it right this time. One more screw-up and the employment agency’s going to drop us.
Reggie Owens: Man, we got to get it right. I’m never going back to porn movies! Never!
MR. FOX, early 40’s, slicked back hair with blazer and polo shirt, ENTERS.
Mr. Fox: Good morning gentleman. It’s nice to meet you. You come highly recommended. I have only one piece of advice for you, guys — I am a born again Christian and I don’t want to force my beliefs on you. I expect you to behave in a decent Christian manner while working in the office. Now Sarah, will show you guys what you’ll be doing…
ENTER SARAH, early 30’s, brown business suit.
Sarah: Sure, sure. Hi, I’m Sarah. Don’t mind Mr. Fox… He does that all the time. So…
Sarah points to Don then Reggie.
Sarah: Don and… Reggie?
Reggie Owens: Yeah. Reginald Owens.
Sarah: I’m Sarah. Don, why don’t you start by sharpening those pencils for Mr. Fox? And Reggie, you come with me.
Don moves to a desk to sharpen pencils. Sarah leads Reggie to another desk. She and Reggie pick each up an envelope.
Sarah: Reggie, you’ll be stuffing these envelopes with our monthly billing requests. And when you stuff it, just lick it, and press it firmly.
Reggie Owens: Like this?
Reggie licks the envelope incorrectly. Sarah chuckles.
Sarah: No, no. Don’t be afraid to get it really wet.
Sarah licks her envelope in a correct manner.
Reggie Owens: Oh I like to get it wet.
PORN MUSIC BEGINS. Reggie starts to unbutton the lower buttons on his shirt.
Sarah: What?
A RECORD SCRATCH OFF SCREEN
Reggie Owens: I mean the envelopes. I lick envelopes really good.
Sarah: All right. I’m going to see how your friends doing.
Sarah trails off while Reggie licks envelopes. Don holds an electric pencil sharpener and inspects every angle. Sarah comes to his side.
Don Wong: Yo ma’am – I can’t work this doo-hickey over here.
Sarah takes the sharpener away from Don, who takes a seat.
Sarah: Here let me help you. Don’t be afraid to stick it all the way in there.
Sarah inserts a pencil into the sharpener.
Sarah: Go deep and hard. In and out.
PORN MUSIC RESUMES
Don rises from his seat, unzips his bell bottoms and unbuttons his top shirt buttons.
Don Wong: Yeah I’m going to go in and out.
Sarah: What are you doing!?
RECORD SCRATCH O/S
Don Wong: Nothing. This is all I know. The pencils…
Don takes a seat and starts sharpening pencils.
Don Wong: I got it.
Sarah scurries over to Reggie, who’s licking envelopes.
Sarah: Your friend is weird. How are the envelopes coming?
Reggie Owens: Pretty good.
Sarah: No Reggie.
Sarah picks up an envelope.
Sarah: Get your tongue on there really good and just wiggle back and forth — like this.
Sarah wiggles her tongue fast on the adhesive area. Reggie rises from his seat and grabs hold of Sarah. His force moves Sarah to walk backward toward the center of the office.
PORN MUSIC RESUMES
Reggie Owens: I’ll go back and forth all night. I’m the wiggle king.
Sarah: What are you doing?
Don joins Reggie. Reggie’s chest’s exposed and Don’s unzipping his bell-bottoms.
Both: We like to wiggle it.
Sarah: Why!!?? Stop it!!
Mr. Fox bolts from his office.
Mr. Fox: What the hell is going on here!?
RECORD SCRATCH O/S
Both: We’re sorry! We’re sorry!
Don Wong: This is all we know.
Mr. Fox: Owens in my office! You too, Don! Pronto!
Sarah leaves. Don & Reggie follow Mr. Fox into his office.
INT. MR FOX’S OFFICE
Mr. Fox seats himself at his desk. Don & Reggie take seats across from him.
Mr. Fox: What was that all about!?
Don Wong: Sir, I’m going to level with you. Me and Reggie here… back in the 70’s; we did adult films, man.
Don Wong: You got to believe us, sir. We’re just trying to work things out.
Mr. Fox: I’m going to let you boys in on a little secret. In the early 70’s I myself used to work in adult films. You may remember me as Captain Monster Rod Von Huge-En-Stein?
Reggie Owens: You’re Von Huge-En-Stein!?
Don Wong: Porn royalty!
Mr. Fox: You’re no slouches yourselves. You’re Wong and Owens. I know it’s hard to forget about the life and I sympathize with your struggles. But there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. And now, you can put the life behind you.
Don Wong: I can dig it.
All share a 1970’s handshake. A scantily clad FRENCH MAID ENTERS.
French Maid: I’m here for the cleaning. Where do you want me to start?
Mr. Fox: Hold back fellas — Huge-En-Stein is back!!
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonaldand now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of Kenneth Starr] In a startling reversal,Kenneth Starr announced yesterday that he would NOTresign as Whitewater Special Prosecutor, and that nowhe intends to stay on until the investigation iscompleted. This new development apparently did nottrouble a confident President Clinton [Photo of BillClinton] who still plans to resume making conjugalvisits to Susan MacDougal. [Photo of handcuffed SusanMacDougal]
[Side-by-side photos of Madeline Albright and BorisYeltsin] This week in Moscow, Secretary of StateMadeline Albright and Russian President Boris Yeltsinsat down to discuss the delicate issue of NATOexpansion. On emerging from what was described as atense meeting, Ms. Albright said, quote, “For this Itraveled five thousand miles, to meet with somedrunken meshuggah? On my worst enemy I wouldn’t wishthis.”
[Photo of John Huang] Meanwhile, the Indogate scandalcontinues to widen. Internal Democratic NationalCommittee records now show that fundraiser John Huangwas responsible for bringing two Chinese businessmento the White House for a $180,000 “coffee” with thePresident. That works out to $90,000 for a cup ofcoffee, although, in the President’s defense, thecoffee was Starbucks. … [mild reaction from crowd soNorm explains] Starbucks is a little pricey.
[Photo of Janet Reno] Also this week in Washington,several prominent Democrats joined Republicans inpleading with Attorney General Janet Reno toinvestigate fundraising abuses. And also toshave.
[Photo of Fred Goldman] At a book signing in New Yorkthis week, Fred Goldman once again offered to forgetthe millions owed to him by O. J. Simpson, if he wouldsimply admit to the Brentwood murders. [Photo ofsmiling O. J. Simpson] A visibly annoyed O. J.responded, “Why in the world would I do that, when Ihave no intention of paying you anyway?”
[Graphic of dollar bill and commercial airliner withtext reading PRICE WAR] After American Airlinesdecided this week to cut fares by fifty percent, thefour other major airlines said they would match thebargain ticket prices. Also fighting to staycompetitive, discount carrier ValuJet [ValuJetcorporate logo] announced that it will now acceptstolen credit cards and bad checks.
[Photo of masked pop singer Michael Jackson] MichaelJackson has reportedly stepped right into his new roleas a dad, spending many hours a day with his newbornson, doing the changing, the burping, even thebreast-feeding, so … That’s nice when a – when afellow does that, you know?
In Wisconsin, students at Menomonee High School aredesperately fighting efforts by the politicallycorrect to change their team nickname, “the Indians.”Already opponents of the name have rejected thestudents’ first compromise, “the Drunken Indians.” …They feel that’s almost worse in a way, youknow?
[Photo of a cow] “Bessie the Cow,” the most famousbovine citizen of San Antonio, Texas, is now listed in”Ripley’s Believe It or Not” after giving birth to hertenth set of calf twins. Bessie also made “Ripley’s”under the category “Least Original Name for a Cow.”
[Photo of Jack Kevorkian] And, finally, in medicalnews there are reports that suicide doctor JackKevorkian is considering retirement. As Kevorkian putit: “I always said I’d quit the day it stopped beingfun.”
Norm MacDonald: Now, ladies and gentlemen, themoment we’ve all been waiting for here — the King ofAll Media, Howard Stern!
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to radiopersonality Howard Stern seated next to Norm. Theyshake hands.]
Howard Stern: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. Thankyou. Thank you. You know – you know, a lot of peopleare wondering what I’m doin’ here tonight and quitefrankly I’m wondering what I’m doin’ here as well.Actually, I’m, uh, on the road promoting my new movie– it’s opening up March 7th, it’s called “PrivateParts” — I want to invite all of America to come seeit. That’s what I’m doin’ here ’cause, quite frankly,I – I, uh… [Norm chuckles] I didn’t want to comehere tonight.
Norm MacDonald: You didn’t want to comehere?
Howard Stern: Well, I’m here under the guisethat I’m the, actually, the, uh– What would you callme?
Norm MacDonald: You’re the televisioncritic!
Howard Stern: Television critic! What a lamepremise. But, uh, yes, I’m the Television Critic and Imust tell you that I’m here to review Saturday NightLive. And I’m here to say that I think that ninetypercent of Saturday Night Live sucks. Uh, the sketchesare kind of weak, I think we’ll all agree. I think theonly good thing on Saturday Night Live is Norm –quite frankly, that’s why I’m here. [applause, Normgrins] He loves when I say that.
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I – I feel, like, I – Ifeel bashful when you say that.
Howard Stern: [not convinced] Oh, really?! So,anyway, no, Norm is, uh – Norm is the fun aspect ofthis thing and I– You know, they even asked me to doa couple of sketches…
Norm MacDonald: [encouragingly] Yeah,yeah!
Howard Stern: … and I refused. Well, itdidn’t go well. I suggested a couple of sketches. Sowhat I said to them was, tell you what, you haveKathie Lee and Regis. And they’re talkin’ about me andthey’re saying bad stuff about me and, you know,Kathie Lee’s like “I can’t believe he has a moviecomin’ out and all this and – and he makes fun of Codyand calls him the Incubus and he says I hope Codygrows up to be like a gay senator or something…” andit’s – it’s all wrong so I figured, while they’rebad-mouthing me, I come in disguise as Fartman, mysuperhero character, and I just blow Kathie Lee’s headoff. And this would have been a great sketch. [cheers]
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Howard Stern: You know what I mean? But theytold me that I couldn’t do it because they didn’t haveenough time to make, uh, Kathie Lee’s head explode,you know. So, then I said, what if we do a sketchwhere, me as Fartman, I come into Elizabeth Taylor’shospital room and while I’m in there I just blow thattumor right out of her head. And she’s in a coma andthe tumor just lands in a chocolate box and then Liz,when she wakes up, grabs the tumor thinking it’schocolate and eats it. Be a phenomenal sketch! But,anyway, they wouldn’t let me do any of this outrageousstuff, so I’m here to behave myself basically and justpromote my movie. So what I thought I’d do tonight,Norm, is give everybody a first look at a clip from mymovie, “Private Parts.”
Norm MacDonald: That’d be cool.
Howard Stern: This is me, take a look at this,this is me when I’m a young disc jockey. I looked alot different. I had a very geeky hairstyle, asopposed to my Louis XIV look that I have now. And itwas the first time while I was in Hartford and acelebrity actually came on to me. I mean, she invitedme up to her hotel room and I want to show that rightnow, if you don’t mind. So take a look at this clip,this is from “Private Parts” the movie, March 7th. Goahead.
[“Private Parts” movie clip: in a hotel room, abig-haired sexy starlet in a short sparkling dressescorts young Howard Stern to a sofa.]
Starlet: Sit down.
Young Howard Stern: [off the room] Nice.[Howard sits]
Starlet: I’ll be right back.
Young Howard Stern: Okay. [watches her walkinto the bathroom, turn the light on, remove hershoes]
Fred Norris: [Howard’s sound effects guy, at awet bar, to Howard] Hey, man. Free drinks. [startsfixing a drink]
Young Howard Stern: [clears his throat, watchesstarlet run bath water, murmurs quietly] What the hellis she doing?
Fred Norris: I think she’s running thebath.
[Both men watch as the starlet unzips the back of herdress]
Young Howard Stern: Oh, my God, man. She’staking her clothes off.
Fred Norris: I guess she forgot to close thedoor.
Young Howard Stern: She’s a Hollywood actress,they have a lot on their mind.
[Returning from the clip, we find Norm and Howardpeering at the off screen monitor and sevenbikini-clad women making out with each other behindthe WU desk.]
Howard Stern: Well, there it is! [some of thewomen start running their hands sensuously over Howardand Norm] That’s a clip from the movie “Private Parts”– I think everybody’s gonna love it. I suggest you goto the theater and, quite frankly, it’s a verysensitive love story between me and my wife. And yousee what’s going on here, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure.
Howard Stern: A lot of this kind of stuff isn’tin my movie at all. [one woman drops into Howard’slap, women swarm all over Norm and Howard]
Norm MacDonald: Is there any of it atall?
Howard Stern: Well, some of this kind of stuffis in my movie but it’s not all of this kind ofstuff.
Norm MacDonald: [woman climbs into Norm’s lap]All right, Howard.
Howard Stern: And you’re really going to loveit. I want everybody to go to the theaters. It’s me asa disc jockey coming on and becoming The King of AllMedia. I think you’re gonna love it. Good night,everybody!
Norm MacDonald: Howard Stern, folks!
[Norm waves goodbye from beneath a couple of women,one of whom is trying to remove his jacket. Applause.Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]
This May–nature unleashes her ultimate fury–right in your own backyard!
(cut to family in living room, as the Dad tries in vain to get the TV to work)
: That’s funny–the cable’s out!
Mom: Guess we’ll have to call the company…(thunderclap) what’s that noise?
(Dad goes to the window to investigate)
Dad: Oh, God no…
Daughter: (frightened) Daddy?
Mom: Hank, what is it?
Dad: It’s everywhere…
Mom: What is it?
Dad: Carol–get the kids into the closet! (family remains rooted to the floor) Do it–NOW!
Mom: Oh, my God! It’s…IT’S….
VO: …RAIN (shot of titlecard)–they said it would never happen—“never” is NOW!
(cut to Mom and Dad, as their ceiling starts to leak)
(thunderclap)
Mom: (hysterical) It’s in the HOUSE!!!!!
Dad: GET A BUCKET!
(Mom grabs a bucket and holds it under the leak. Dad rushes to grab a pot, the kids–still in the closet–grab cereal bowls and hold them under the leaks. A leak springs right over the cat’s head)
VO: Imagine, billions of droplets of pure water–and scream! (cut to “Rain” titlecard) RAIN–The Sky is Falling–On You!
(house is now dark–the power has gone out. Mom, who seems to be in shock, is rocking back and forth, singing to herself in a baby voice:)
Mom: “Rain, rain..go away…..”
VO: RAIN (thunderclap) this May, there’s a 50 to 60% chance–of TERROR
(cut to mom and dad at the window)
Dad: Oh, my God!
Mom: (crying) Whaaat?
Dad: Grandpa’s still out there–he’s got a suede suit on!!!
(Opens with a bunch of Tina Turner’s fans getting their autographs from the legendary rock singer in her dressing room. Roger comes in with an earpiece on to chase the fans out of the dressing room)
Roger: (Australian accent) Ok, mates. Thanks for coming but Tina’s got to be on her way! (into the mic) The bird’s about to fly. Clearing sector G. Let’s go! Come on!
(The fans move out of the dressing room. Only one very excited fan stays with Tina Turner while she signs an autograph)
Excited Fan: I love you Miss Turner!! I have all your Cd’s and I just want you to know that I support your decision to leave your husband. [cries] You are so strong! You are so strong! Oh, my God! You are so strong!
[Roger puts her on a choke hold]
Roger: Ok, let’s clear the perimeter! Break a leg. You know what I’m talking about.
[Roger opens the dressing room door]
Excited Fan: Oh, Tina!
[Roger throws her out with a single push and closes the door]
Roger: Sorry about that, Tin. Your car’s outside. Whenever you’re ready, foxy lady.
Tina Turner: Ok, Rog. Be a second.
Roger: [into mic] Room is clear, T.T. Locked and loaded, over![leaves]
[Tina opens her closet and Mary Katherine Gallagher in her catholic high school uniform falls out]
Tina Turner: Whoa!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [gets up quick] Mary Kathrine Gallagher! [shakes hand with Tina]
Tina Turner: I’m Tina Turner.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: What?
Tina Turner: I’m Tina Turner.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I know you’re Tina Turner. You’re Tina Turner, legendary songstress and legendary diva. Originally born in Tennessee in the little old town of Nutbush formerly of the Ike & Tina review, now currently a solo artist traveling the world in the Tina Turner’s “Wildest Dreams” tour which is being sponsored by Hanes Hosiery for ladies.
Tina Turner: You know a lot about me, Mary.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yep, I do. And I also, I’ve seen the movie “What’s love got to do with it” 30 times and I, and you know what?
Tina Turner: What?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I don’t know what’s love got to do with it.
Tina Turner: Well…
[Roger comes in, fans yell for Tina, Roger closes the door]
Roger: [into the mic] Red alert! Red alert! Foxtrot, Alpha, Bravo! [grabs Mary’s arm]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Wait, hold on!
Tina Turner: Roger, just one second here. Mary, I have to get dressed right now. But it was very nice to meet you.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Ok.
Roger: Ok, four eyes, your little escapade is over. Come on!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Wait a second, wait a second! I just want to say one thing! Um, miss Tina Turner, I want to be a singer just like you.
Tina Turner: Yeah?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [sings] What’s love got to do, got to do with it…
Roger: [puts Mary on a headlock] All right! That’s enough, you jackeroo! [into the mic] Code yellow, situation under control.
Tina Turner: Roger, Roger! One second here. Let me just have a second with Mary. All right?
Roger: [lets go of Mary] Righty-o, Tina. But I’m right outside if a situation develops.
[Roger leaves, fans plead for autographs outside the door, Roger closes the door]
Tina Turner: Mary, come over here. You know Mary, that was kind of dangerous, sneaking into someone’s dressing room. I could’ve called the police.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: You mean, the fuzz?
[Mary puts her hands under her armpits]
Tina Turner: Yes. What are you doing?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes when I get nervous I stick my fingers under my arms and then [smells her fingers] I smell ’em like that.[sniffs] That’s really gross.
Tina Turner: No, no. Its all right. Mary, come over here for a second. Come over to this mirror. You know what I see in that mirror? Mary? [Tina and Mary look in the mirror] I see a very pretty girl.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: You mean in this mirror here?
Tina Turner: In that mirror there.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Really?
Tina Turner: Yes. Now take your hands from under your armpits and come over here. And relax, relax, relax. Ok? Now Mary, I want you to concentrate. I want you to feel deep inside of yourself.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: No. My grandmother said that I’m not supposed to do that.
Tina Turner: That’s ok, ok Mary. See, what I want you to do is try to concentrate. Because that person that you got hidden inside, I want you to do that.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I can’t.
Tina Turner: Yes, you can. Try to concentrate and I want you to tell me who you are. Who are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Who am I?
Tina Turner: Yes! Who are you? Tell me, Mary! Who are you?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [sings Tina’s hit Private Dancer] I’m your Private Dancer, a dancer for money, I’ll do what you want me to do….
Tina Turner: That’s it, Mary! You got it! That’s a good girl.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [more forceful, just like Tina] I’m your private dancer! A dancer for money, any old music will do!
Tina Turner: Yes, you got it! Yes, yes!
[Hit “Proud Mary” plays]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [excited she sings] Big wheel keep on turnin’…
Tina Turner: Whooo!!
Tina and Mary: Proud Mary keep on burnin’!
Mary Katherine Gallagher: [jumps on a chair, imitates Tina’s moves] Rollin’!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’, rollin’ on a river!!
Tina Turner: One more time!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’! Whoo! Rollin’! Whoo! Rollin’ on a river!
Tina Turner: Oh, yeah!!
Tina and Mary: Rollin’! Rollin’!
[Mary jumps back and crashes on top of a table smashing it to pieces]
David Letterman…..Norm MacDonald Paul Shaffer…..Mark McKinney Robert De Niro…..Alec Baldwin
[ Band finishes playing as Letterman wipes something off his desk ]
David Letterman: Alright. Alright, welcome back to the big show folks! You came on a good night, Robert De Niro is with us. So Paul, uh, Paul, yesterday I pile the wife and kids into the station wagon, we go out to dinner, and, uh, on the way thereÂ…
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, uhh, how are the kids?
David Letterman: What’s that, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: How…how are the kids?
David Letterman: Oh oh, well, thanks for asking. The little one’s got a touch of the flu but he’s good. So anyway, we’re at the Red Lobster there, Paul, and I’m enjoying what I always get there. You know what I always get. The, uhh, the Fisherman’s Platter?
[ Paul laughs ]
David Letterman: [ laughs ] Yeah. So this, so this waiter comes to our table, Paul, and he’s one of those real oily guys. You know those kinds of guys? Real oily? He looks right at me and gives me one of these. Like, uhh: [ doing impression ] “Ehh, uhh, you enjoying your shrimp? Ehh, you enjoying your shrimp?”
[ Paul and Letterman laugh ]
Paul Shaffer: So, ahh, he wanted to know if you enjoyed your shrimp. Yeah, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah, that’s right. [ laughs ] “Ehh, you enjoy your shrimp?” [ hi-pitched laugh ] Well, folks, in a couple seconds Robert De Niro will be out here and a little later on from “Nash Bridges”, the lovely Jodie O’Keith. Do you, do you enjoy the “Nash Bridges”, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, yeah, “Nash Bridges”, good, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah. Yeah, I think it’s a great program, you know? It’s got the guy from “Miami Vice” there, you’ve got your, uhh, Doug Johnson on there on it.
Paul Shaffer: That’s, uhh, Don Johnson.
David Letterman: Yeah, well, whatever, anyway. He’s good. And you know who else they got now, apparently? Cheech from “Cheech and Chong”. He’s on the show as well.
Paul Shaffer: Oh yeah, Cheech, yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah.
Paul Shaffer: Yeah.
David Letterman: Yeah, he plays the sidekick. And you know, I was thinking about this this afternoon, Paul, and that seems a little silly to me, you know, when you think about you. When you’re making your serious crime drama, you don’t want to cast Cheech. That seems, you know. You know who they should have gotten for that role, don’t you Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, who’s that?
David Letterman: Well, they should have got Chong. [ laughs long and high into a sigh ] Chong. [ laughs ] You imagine such a thing, Paul, Chong?! [ laughs ] Anyway, folks, tonight we got a great program. Bonnie Raitt will be on the show and Jesus, every time she’s here she blows the roof off the joint. And Paul? Why wouldn’t they use Chong on the show, when you think about it?
Paul Shaffer: I…I don’t know. I don’t know.
David Letterman: Yeah, I don’t know either. I…I think that’s a mistake! [ laughs ] Anyway, folks, we couldn’t be more thrilled to have our first guest here on the program. Ladies and Gentlemen, brace yourselves, Robert De Niro!
[ Music plays as De Niro walks out holding a glass of scotch and smoking a cigar. Letterman shakes his hand and leads him to a seat ]
David Letterman: Oh gosh, Robert, I can’t tell you how great it is to have you on the program. All the work you’ve done over the years is just top notch. It must make you very happy, huh?
Robert De Niro: Lil’ bit, lil’ bit. Yeah.
David Letterman: Well, now Robert, tells us about your new film “Marvin’s Room”.
Robert De Niro: I like the band. The band’s good. The band’s good.
David Letterman: You, you enjoy the band, do you? Well, now, let me tell you this, Robert, uhh, I saw “Marvin’s Room” and I have to tell you it’s a fine piece of work. Robert? It’s got a great cast. You’ve got, you’ve got Meryl Streep, Diane Keaton. Oh, and you know who I particularly enjoyed in the film was uhh, was uhh.. Chong!
Robert De Niro: Yeah, he was good. He’s very good. That he is. He’s good.
[ Letterman laughs ]
David Letterman: You hear that Paul? He enjoys Chong!
[ Letterman and Paul laugh again ]
Robert De Niro: You two have a good time, I’ll give you that. You know, it reminds me of the time Marty and I, Marty and I were making “Taxi Driver”, we were filming “Taxi Driver” and Marty turns to me, he says…
David Letterman: Oh oh, let me guess! He probably said this, he probably, “Ehh, you enjoying the shrimp? Ehh, you enjoy the shrimp?” [ laughs ] Hey hey! You know who I’ll bet really enjoyed the shrimp? Chong! [laughs longer and harder, eventually becoming a hard coughing fit ] Ohh! Ahh!
Robert De Niro: Dave, I watch your show all the time, and I got a little surprise for you.
David Letterman: Oh oh, what’s that there, Robert?
Robert De Niro: I watch your show all the time, I’m familiar with the format, so I’ve got my own Top Ten list and I’d like to do it for you.
David Letterman: Oh, by all means. That would be great.
[ Music plays as De Niro takes the list out of his pocket ]
Robert De Niro: Top Ten Reasons You Should See My New Movie, “Marvin’s Room”. Number 10… [ drumroll starts ] I don’t care for that, turn that off. [ drumroll stops ] Keep it off. Number 10: See “Marvin’s Room”. Number 9: Like I said, see “Marvin’s Room”. Number 8: See it already! Number 7: See “Marvin’s Room”! Be a man! Be a man! Number 6: “Marvin’s Room”. I’ve heard things! I heard some things about “Marvin’s Room”! Number 5: Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!
First Friend of Brasky … Mark McKinney Second Friend of Brasky … Will Ferrell Third Friend of Brasky … Alec Baldwin Woman … Ana Gasteyer Fourth Friend of Brasky … Tim Meadows
[Fade in on an image of a building with a signreading: McKAY FUNERAL HOME. Somber organ music plays.Dissolve to the interior where a man and woman standbehind a huge wooden casket paying tearful lastrespects. In the background, other mourners sit inchairs awaiting the start of the funeral. The mankisses the woman, they cross themselves and exit leftjust as another couple enter from the right, brieflypay their respects and take a seat with the others.
Next, three mumbling members of the Brasky Bunchenter, drinking from large glasses half full ofliquor, and line up at the casket as if it were thecountertop of a bar. The cigarette-smoking FirstFriend of Brasky puts an ashtray on the casket. TheSecond Friend of Brasky carries a bottle. The ThirdFriend of Brasky wears a hat and also smokes acigarette. They speak loudly, slurring their wordsdrunkenly throughout:]
Third Friend of Brasky: I can’t believe he’sgone!
First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman inthe office!
Second Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky was ason-of-a-bitch!
Third Friend of Brasky: I’m gonna misshim!
Second Friend of Brasky: [proposing a toast] ToBill Brasky!
All Three: [raising their glasses] BillBrasky!
Third Friend of Brasky: A ten foot monster whoslept with all of our wives!
Second Friend of Brasky: And he punched us allin the face!
First Friend of Brasky: And we LOVED him forit!
Third Friend of Brasky: He had a four day heartattack!
First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, a day for everychamber!
Second Friend of Brasky: When they did theautopsy, they said his heart was like a basketballfilled with ricotta cheese!
Third Friend of Brasky: They found sixtydollars in change in his stomach!
First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman inthe office!
Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!
All Three: Bill Brasky!
Third Friend of Brasky: I remember one timeBrasky took his family to Sea World–
First Friend of Brasky: I’m wearing adiaper!
Third Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause]Anyway, they were watching Shamu the whale when Braskygot splashed!
Second Friend of Brasky: [speaksincoherently]
Third Friend of Brasky: Right. So Brasky yells,”I’m Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet!” So he climbsinto the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale intothe audience, splashes him and yells, “How do you likeit?!” And then damn if Brasky didn’t step in there andfinish the show!
Second Friend of Brasky: That’s just likeBrasky!
First Friend of Brasky: You know, he wouldshoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe.
Third Friend of Brasky: He did all the make-upon the Planet of the Apes movies.
Second Friend of Brasky: He taught – he taughtme how to love a woman – and how to scold achild.
First Friend of Brasky: He had dandruff thesize of mice!
Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!
All Three: Bill Brasky!
Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell youabout the time Brasky took me out to go get a drinkwith him?
Third Friend of Brasky: I’m a convicted sexoffender!
Second Friend of Brasky: [after a pause]Anyways, we go off lookin’ for a bar and we can’t findone. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot andsays, “Here we are!” Well, we sat there for a year anda half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar aroundus!
First Friend of Brasky: P. J.McGinty’s!
Second Friend of Brasky: That’s right, that’sright! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered ashot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground.Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, “Alwaysleave things the way you found them!”
Third Friend of Brasky: He was a terribleman!
First Friend of Brasky: He once punched a holein a cow just so he could see who was comin’ up theroad.
Third Friend of Brasky: He had nine children,all of ’em boys!
Second Friend of Brasky: Hell, he sired abaseball team.
Third Friend of Brasky: An orchestra, if youcount the bastards!
Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!
All Three: Bill Brasky!
Woman: [joins the three at the casket,whispering loudly] Excuse me, could you gentlemenplease keep it down? This is a funeral!
First Friend of Brasky: Oh! Sorry.
Third Friend of Brasky: Sorry, sorry. Hey, youmind gettin’ us some fresh ice there, girlie?
Woman: You are horrible men! [exits]
First Friend of Brasky: [continues withoutmissing a beat] Did I ever tell you about the time Ihad breakfast with Brasky?
Second Friend of Brasky: My Uncle Hal molestedme!
First Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause]Anyways, Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD withhis eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight.When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, “All inall, I prefer gin!”
Third Friend of Brasky: That’s just likeBrasky!
Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!
All Three: Bill Brasky!
Second Friend of Brasky: They say GeneRoddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Braskytalkin’ in his sleep!
Third Friend of Brasky: He once breast-fed aninjured flamingo back to health.
First Friend of Brasky: He used to jog aroundthe block with a fridge on his back!
Second Friend of Brasky: His poop is consideredcurrency in Argentina!
First Friend of Brasky: He loved extensioncords!
Third Friend of Brasky: He hated Mexicans!
Second Friend of Brasky: And he was halfMexican!
First Friend of Brasky: And he hatedirony!
Third Friend of Brasky: He grew a third arm andkept it in a vault!
Second Friend of Brasky: He slept eight hours anight! [the others give him a puzzled look] Well, hewas pretty normal when it came to that.
[A mourner, who has been sitting in the backgroundsince the sketch began, now rises with a drink in hishand and joins the three at the casket:]
Fourth Friend of Brasky: Excuse me! Are youguys talkin’ about Bill Brasky?
First and Second Friend of Brasky: We certainlyare!
Fourth Friend of Brasky: I know BillBrasky!
Second Friend of Brasky: I like you!
Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!
All Four: Bill Brasky!
[Suddenly, a giant hand clutching a half full glass ofliquor smashes up through the top of the woodencasket. The Brasky Bunch is momentarilystunned.]
Booming Voice of Bill Brasky: I’m back! Now,top me off, you bastards!
All Four: [thrilled] Bill Brasky!
[First and Second Friend pour liquor into Brasky’sglass.]
First Friend of Brasky: Here you go,buddy!
[Dissolve to photo of Alec Baldwin and some blueballoons. Fade.]
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: February 22nd, 1997 Alec Baldwin Tina Turner Howard Stern
Late Show with David Letterman Robert De Niro (Baldwin) enjoys Letterman’s (Norm MacDonald) on-air persona. Recurring Characters: David Letterman, Paul Shaffer, Robert De Niro.
Alec Baldwin’s Monologue Baldwin previews the behind-the-scenes action at SNL.
Roxbury Guys Third Roxbury Guy (Baldwin) more successful than buddies (Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan). Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi.
Mary Katherine Gallagher Tina Turner offers self-esteem advice to Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon). Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.
The Quiet Storm “Champagne” Garnett (Tim Meadows) battles the station newsman (Baldwin). Recurring Characters: Chris “Champagne” Garnett.
TV Funhouse “Fun With Real Audio” turns Tom Snyder into a stalker during Dolly Parton interview.
The Gossip Show Julie Brown (Cheri Oteri) gossips further.
Yard Sale Reminiscing couple (Baldwin, Molly Shannon) unload sentimental items for pennies.
Wong & Owens, Ex-Porn Stars Wong (Jim Breuer) & Owens (Tracy Morgan) seek success in the corporate world. Recurring Characters: Don Wong, Reggie Owens.
Tina Turner performs “Proud Mary”
Bill Brasky’s Funeral Friends of Bill Brasky speak of his awe and wonder at his funeral. Recurring Characters: Friends of Bill Brasky.
Rain: The Miniseries Danger rainstorm is topic of new made-for-TV disaster epic.
Norm MacDonald: Hi, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.
Our top story tonight: This week in the civil trial of O.J. Simpson, the jurywhich had earlier had found him liable in the deaths of Ron Goldman andNicole Brown Simpson, this week tacked on an additional 25 million dollars inpunitive damages. On hearing the news Simpson declared “This is far from over”.Asked to clarify that statement, O.J. said “I’m going to kill more people.What did you think I meant?”
Just hours after President Clinton again pledged to clean up the democraticparty’s fundraising operation, the Whitehouse announced he will attend amillion dollar fundraiser next week. However spokesman Mike McCurry stressedthat at this event “Donations from Indonesia or other foreign countries willnot be accepted, unless they are left in a brown paper bag under the sink inthe men’s room”.
More bad news for the President, this week convicted Whitewater swindlerJames McDougal claims that his ex-wife Susan McDougal had an affair withClinton while he was governor of Arkansas. The President denied the chargesadding, “If you really knew me you would know that I was always faithful toGennifer Flowers.”
Norm MacDonald: This week saw new accusations of infideltity levelingagainst President Clinton. Here to answer those charges, on behalf of thePresident, is Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn: Thank you. [ points to photo of Susan McDougal ] Firstof all, this is Susan McDougal. I believe Clinton when he says he didn’tsleep with her. She isn’t his type. He doesn’t go for that corporatelook. He likes the girls with the teased-out perms and the flourescentlipstick that work at Spencer Gifts. His hero JFK was doing Marilyn Monroe,but Clinton falls for the first pair of frayed acid wash that stumbles out ofFudrucker’s. But why are we all so upset about Clinton’s mistresses in the first place?Why mae a big deal out of it? In Europe, they accept the fact that theirleaders have mistresses. We should give Clinton that same slack. You know,he could bring them to state dinners: “Prime Minister Netenyahu, PrimeMinister Major, this is Tammy.” Who are we to judge? Our bodiesare too messed up sexually to begin with! Did you see Faye Resnick inPlayboy this month? What is that?! That’s like, “Hey, seethis girl? Her friend got murdered. I want to see her naked!” You know?We judge Clinton, but all the presidents had mistresses. Eisenhower, FDR..but those were professional mistresses. They would never rat you outto the media. If the media came sniffing around, they’d put on theirfavorite housecoat and eat a handful of barbituates. That’s the way it wasdone. That was the fifties. People didn’t want to know the President’sdirty laundry, they were just interested in his policies. In Europe, it’sstill that way – they sit around cafes, arguing politics. Here, peoplewatch the State of the Union Address, and they say, “Hey, Clinton looksfat.” And Clinton is just like us. He should be worrying about his policies beingcompromised. He’s too bust running over to some suburban Virginia apartmentcomplex to be with a barmaid from Pizzeria Uno. He’s supposed to be leadingus, not looking at glass unicorn collections and listening to MaryChapin-Carpenter. You see, it’s our own fault. We want leaders who arecharming and charismatic and tell us what we want to hear. Well, guesswhat? Those qualities that get elected are the same ones that get youlaid. Thank you. Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn! Alright, Colin, good job. That wasgreat!
The Irish rock band U2 kicked off their new tour in New York City yesterday,making a surprise appearence at a downtown K-mart. Fellow Irish performerSinead O’Conner was also on hand, but she works there.
Well, it’s Oscar time once again and ‘Breaking the Waves’ star Emily Watsonwas nominated for Best Actress. Asked to comment, Watson said, “Who the hellam I? I’ve never heard of myself..”
Senator Strom Thurman, at 94, the oldest person ever to serve in Congress,has been hospitalized this week with a bout of the flu. Doctors who examinedthe senator thoroughly, got kind of nautious.
Prince, the black labrador from New Hampshire, sentenced to death for killinga rooster won a reprieve this week. But although Prince is now officially offthe hook with local authorities he still must face the family of the roosterin the Civil trial, so.. he may be giving up a few milkbones, or whatever..
Stephen J. Hawkings, the renowned astrophysicist, regarded as AlbertEinstein’s intellectual successor, conceded defeat this week in a wager hemade six years ago with two professors of the California Institute ofTechnology. Hawkings incorrectly bet against the existence of nakedsingularities: a mathematical point in a black hole where space and time areinfinitely distorted, where matter is infinitely dense and where the rules ofrelavistic physics break down. With all due respect to Mr. Hawkings: what thehell were you thinking? I would have taken that bet, made a quick 20 bucks!
In northeren Florida, refuse from a paper mill caused female fish to developmale sex organs. In a related story: Attorney General Janet Reno
Connecticuit legislators are about to pass a law that would make it illegalto prohibit breastfeeding in public. Then hopefully these legislators willchange this fascist law, that the person being breast-fed in public has tobe a baby.
Well here is a sign of the times: this summer for the first time ever youwill need a reservation to get into Yosemite National Park. Officials saythose hit hardest by the new regulations are the squirrels. Gary Larson is writing for the show now.
And, finally, first place in Weekend Update’s “Most Romantic Valentine”contest goes to David Delaferra of Carny, New Jersey. Yesterday, Mr.Delaferra, who works as a fireman here in the city, climbed the ladder ofthe firetruck to the 3rd floor office window of his girlfriend Alexandra.There with a dozen roses and a wedding ring, he proposed to her in frontof all of her co-workers. Congratulations, David! And coming in last placefor the 3rd year in a row: O.J. Simpson.
Norm MacDonlad: And that’s the way it is, folks. Good night, enjoyyour Sunday!
Chevy Chase: Thank you very much! That’s good enough.
It’s really great to be back here on “Saturday Night Live”. I haven’t been here in, oh.. days. But this is a very special Saturday for me, because yesterday was Valentine’s Day.. and I don’t often get the chance to speak from my hert, as it were. Through the camera, and to the audience here. I would like to sort of send a special valentine to my wife, Janie, and our three beautiful daughters – 14, 12, and 8. And.. and let you know, that.. as happy as I ever was on this stage, those are the people that make my life worthwhile, and made me, uh.. a happy dad.. and a happy man. And, uh.. we’re kind of a shy family.. that is to say, I’m a big star and all that stuff. That’s the icing, but they’re the cake.
But I think I may not be around long – they may ask me to leave before the show’s over. So, uh.. in a sense, honey, I want you to know that the reason I asked Lorne to ask you and the children to, uh.. to stay down here on the floor before you went upstairs and sat down and watched this.. because I was gonna do soemthing I know you didn’t expect.
You don’t often see movie and TV stars ask their families to come up and show themselves. But I.. I’d kind of like you to meet my family, and I’ll tell you why. The years have been long.. they’ve endured with me. I’ve been with Janie 17 years, and I’ve yet to kiss another woman – except in a movie – since the first time I dated Janie.. and that’s the truth. I love her more today than I ever have in the past. They’ve been through my highs, they’ve been through my lows.. they’ve been through my notorious periods.. they’ve been through just about everything with me, and they’ve sustained me, they’ve supported me, and they’ve remained young and spirited.. and I’m proud of them, and I’ love them very much. And, if they’re not too embarrassed, I’d love it if you’d just come up and say hello. I’d like you to meet them – Janie, my wife, and my three daughters.
[ very old woman enters stage as Janie, with two grown women and a grown man portraying his three daughters ]
Happy Valentine’s Day! I’ll probably see you in about, I don’t know, a month. And Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you! You know, we have a great show, and I know the kids are gonna love it – Live is here. Please, stay with us!
Air Date:
