Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

The NFL on NBC

Bob Costas…..Darrell Hammond
Mike Ditka…..David Koechner
O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
Marv Levy…..Will Ferrell

[ title animation plays on the screen ]

Announcer: This is “The NFL on NBC.” For week 6, with Bob Costas.

[ dissolve to Bob Costas in the game booth ]

Bob Costas: Good afternoon, everybody. I’m Bob Costas, and we’ve got a full slate of games for you. And! With me, as always – Mike Ditka. [ wide shot reveals Mike Ditka in the booth with Bob Costas ]

Mike Ditka: Good to see you, Bob.

Bob Costas: Those of you on the East Coast, you’ll be getting our featured game – the New York Jets visiting the Buffalo Bills. And! Reporting from the sidelines in Bridge Stadium today, back with us once again – O.J. Simpson. Juice. Juice, welcome back.

[ cut to O.J. Simpson standing on the sidelines, holding up his microphone with a gloved hand ]

O.J. Simpson: Yeah, well, thanks, Bob! Well, the Jets — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Well, as you know, Bob, well, the Jets, they’ve gotten off to a rough start. But you’ve gotta throw off the one-loss record, because there is no love lost between these two teams! [ O.J. nonchalantly waves his other hand to reveal a missing glove ]

Bob Costas: Okay. By the way, O.J. We’re all sorry about your.. year-and-a-half incarceration.

O.J. Simpson: Yeah, well, thanks, Bob. And, by the way, if anyone knows, or has any information about the identity of the murderer, just call 1-600-MURDER. It’s important that we find the murderer — [ the audience cheers wildly again ] It’s important that we find the murderer. After all, if I didn’t do it, that means someone else did. Alright, well, the teams are almost ready to take the field, and, Bob, they look pretty pumped. Right now, I’ve got Bills coach Marv Levy here. [ Marv Levy steps forward ] Marv, you guys are 3-1 – you must be feeling real good right now.

Marv Levy: [ nervous about being interviewed by O.J. ] Uh.. sure, we feel okay.

O.J. Simpson: Now, Marv, the last time you guys played the Jets, you really killed them! I mean, you guys really went for the jugular!

Marv Levy: Well.. we did win the game..

O.J. Simpson: Yeah, but you know, these two teams, they have a long ugly history. It was only a matter of time before you destroyed them. A lot of people saw this coming for a long time. I mean, all the warning signs were there!

Marv Levy: [ confused ] What?

O.J. Simpson: Well, you know, like you were out of control, or something. You guys were hitting late. You commited one crazy face mask penalty, but.. you got away with it. It was like you just put aside the rules and put matters into your own hands. Like, it was the kind of brutalizing effort that must have made you feel good, but kinda bad, too.

Marv Levy: Uh.. uh.. I-I-I wouldn’t say that, I don’t think..

O.J. Simpson: But, you know, who could blame you? You guys were on a frenzy! I mean, once the adrenaline gets going, you’re not responsible for your actions! Oh, by the way – did you black out at any time?

Marv Levy: I-I’m sorry..?

O.J. Simpson: Now, in the second half, it was brutal! I mean, it was the kind of game where, afterwards, you just want to take off your uniform and dump ’em in a duffel bag, and just get rid of ’em before you catch the Red out of Chicago.

Marv Levy: Uh, we-we never played Chicago..

O.J. Simpson: Well, whatever. But, I guess the real question is: Marv, you beat the Jets, but, in a weird way, do you still love ’em?

Marv Levy: Uh.. I-I can’t answer that, O.J.

O.J. Simpson: Alright, guys, you got any comments?

Mike Ditka: Yeah, sorry we didn’t make it to your, uh, Not Guilty barbecue, O.J., but we’re, uh, glad to have you back on the sidelines and not in the booth.

O.J. Simpson: Okay, well, let’s go the telestrater now. Here’s a play that your offense has been going over a lot this year. [ takes out pen and draws on telestrater ] Now, you lined up your halfback right behind your quarterback — [ draws a line going up on the center of the upper part of the screen ( I ) ] — your tight end has been running a curl pattern — [ draws a line going down and around on the far right center of the screen ( d ) ] — Now, when Kelly fakes play action, the defense is frozen.. [ on the bottom right of the screen, he draws a line going up and a line going across it for the block ( T )] — allowing you a Wide open to be open on the other side — [ draws a squiggly pattern on the far left center of the screen ( d ) ] — opening a hole in the middle.. [ draws a line on the bottom of the screen ( I ) ] — and a seam on the left — [ draws final line in the middle ( I ), spelling the words “I DID IT” on the telestrater ]

Marv Levy: [ stunned, appalled and scared ] I really gotta go! I gotta go! [ runs away ]

O.J. Simpson: Okay! Well, I’ll just watch from a distance, alright?

[ cut to Bob Costas in the booth ]

Bob Costas: O.J., O.J. Why don’t you just.. come.. right out and say it?

O.J. Simpson: Alright. It hurts to admit this, but, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Chevy Chase’s Monologue

…..Chevy Chase

Chevy Chase: Thank you very much. It’s great to be back here. You know, tonight is just four days short of being 20 years to the day that I opened the first show by saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.” It holds a lot of memories for me.. and I’m nostalgic. There are a lot of ghosts in this studio. [ reflecting ] I can remember that first night, when I was over there on Stage 3 with John and Michael O’Donoghue.. we were getting ready to do the opening, and I remember Gilda was standing over here.. Jane.. and Danny and Garrett were over there, and, uh.. Laraine was in her costume, and it was just unbelievable. I was backstage over here. And, uh.. [ removes his glasses ] ..My heart was pounding, and I remember thinking at that moment, “This is a dream come true.” It was a great, great time.. And I remember the song.. that wonderful song, “When You Wish Upon a Star”.. uh.. as sung by Jiminy Cricket..

[ puts on his Jiminy Cricket face and sings ]
“When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are.
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true.”

Thank you! Thank you very much! We’ve got a great show for you tonight, Lisa Loeb is here, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Lobotol

Narrator…..Nancy Walls
Katie…..Cheri Oteri
Designer…..Cindy Caponera
Head Designer…..Will Ferrell
Designer/Announcer…..Darrell Hammond
Designer…..Dennis McNicholas
Designer…..Lori Nasso

FADE IN:

[ INT. CLOTHING DESIGN FIRM ]

[ KATIE, a 30-something career woman, comes in and shakes hands with our NARRATOR. ]

Narrator: I remember the day Katie came to work at Blair Fashion. We clicked right away! What a little pistol she was!! So much energy!

[ Katie guides the seamstresses in the factory. ]

Narrator (V/O): Sometimes she’d create two, or even three, dresses in one day.

[ The narrator peeks over to Katie in mild scorn, who’s working to little or no difficulty. ]

Narrator: She made quite an impression on our head designer.

[ Katie presents a dress design to the board. The narrator grimaces as the head designer and his colleagues laud Katie’s creation. ]

Narrator: It’s hard to keep up with Katie.

[ The narrator taps her wristwatch at Katie’s desk to indicate lunchtime to Katie as the large clock behind her displays 11:55 AM. Katie politely declines. ]

Narrator (V/O): After a while, she got too busy to have lunch with me.

[ The large clock displays 10:17 PM. The cleaning woman buffers the floor. Katie’s still hammering away at her desk. ]

Narrator (V/O): She was kind of making us all look bad…

[ Katie takes measurements on a model wearing her design. A migraine hits Katie. ]

Narrator (V/O): One day I noticed Katie really stressed out.

[ Katie massages her forehead. ]

Narrator: That’s when I suggested Lobotol.

[ CLOSE-UP: HAND DISPENSING “LOBOTOL” ]

[ SUPER: NO NEED TO CONSULT A PHYSICIAN BEFORE USE. ]

[ The narrator holds Katie’s hand holding two Lobotol pills to her mouth until she swallows them. Katie gives in. ]

Narrator: My husband gave it to me when he thought I was asking too many questions… it practically saved our marriage.

[ SUPER: THREE WEEKS LATER… ]

Narrator (V/O): A few weeks later, Katie was much better!

[ The narrator is wearing a more elite business suit and giving directions to the employees. ]

Narrator: Thanks to Lobotol, not only did I get my friend back, but I also got a raise! Careful, Katie!

[ Katie is covered in tulle from head to toe. She scans the room with a vacant mind. ]

[ DISPLAY: LOBOTOL ]

[ SUPER: USE ONLY AS RECOMMENDED BY A “FRIEND” ]

Announcer: Lobotol – now available without a prescription.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Goodnights

…..Chevy Chase

Chevy Chase: [ with his arms wrapped around Lisa Loeb and Don Novello; faces Lisa ] Thank you very much, Lisa Loeb. [ turns to face Don ] Thank you, Don. [ looks around, confused ] What happened to Mariel? Thank you. Mariel! Thank you, cast! Thank you, Lorne! I had a great time.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Fuzzy Memories

Jack Handey V/O: One time I was walking through the field behind our house, when this man jumped out and grabbed me. He was wearing a striped uniform and his ankles were chained together. He told me to get him some food, and some tools to get the chains off his legs. And if I didn’t, he would kill my whole family.

[ cut to young Jack sitting in front of the TV set, eating a popsicle ]

I wonder whatever happened to that guy.

Submitted by: Tony Dumont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Braveheart

Warrior…..Darrell Hammond
…..Chevy Chase
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Mariel Hemingway
…..Jim Breuer

[ open on stock footage from the film “Braveheart” ]

[ dissolve to SNL’s set, cast members dressed as characters from “Braveheart”, all crowded around a stone staircase that leads up to audience seating in the balcony ]

[ trumpets sound ]

Warrior: We await William Wallace! He who is called.. Braveheart!

[ the crowd cheers the arrival of Braveheart, who, despite the triumphant soundtrack, doesn’t appear ]

Warrior: Uhh.. we await.. Braveheart!

[ from an angle looking down, the crowd cheers louder, but Braveheart again fails to appear ]

Warrior: [ tries again ] We await our leader, the man they call.. Braveheart!

[ the crowd cheers once more, but Braveheart still fails to appear. They are all dumbfounded at the absence of Braveheart. ]

[ cut to Lorne Michaels’ office, where Chevy Chase, dressed as Braveheart, sits in front of Lorne’s desk ]

Chevy Chase: All I’m saying, Lorne, is that I’m a little uncomfortable doing this Braveheart sketch, that’s all.

Lorne Michaels: Chevy, the whole point of this sketch is to showcase your fall. People expect to see you fall. It’s a tradition.

Chevy Chase: Well, th-that’s why I’m uncomfortable. I mean, I’ve been eating all summer, Lorne. Eggs, mostly – but deep-fried. I’m out of shape, and I really don’t want to get hurt.

Lorne Michaels: Why, you got something coming up?

Chevy Chase: [ sheepishly ] No. But.. it’s a Braveheart sketch. The movie’s almost a year old. I mean, it’s not exactly cutting-edge parody!

Lorne Michaels: Hey, kids, are still talking about it.

Chevy Chase: I’m not going to do it.

Lorne Michaels: [ digests the information ] I was hoping you wouldn’t force me to do this.

Chevy Chase: What? [ watches, as Lorne pulls open a drawer and retrieves a huge stack of papers ] What’s that? [ Lorne drops the huge stack onto the desk ] My old contract? You’re not going to.. hold me to something I signed twenty years ago, are you?

Lorne Michaels: Hey, you still owe us seven shows.

Chevy Chase: Come on, Lorne, I’m too old for this. It’s stupid and unsafe for me to go out there and take a fall. Did my doctor call? I’m having problems with my neck.. my back..

Lorne Michaels: Chevy, I really wish that I could help you, but, uh.. remember, you left. You know? So I’m calling it in. It’s the network, okay? Do a funny fall, announce Lisa Loeb.

Chevy Chase: Geez.. [ Chevy stands, obviously in great pain ] Oh..

Lorne Michaels: You’ll be fine.

[ Chevy exits Lorne’s office ]

Lorne Michaels: [ looks offscreen ] Mariel? Can I get a cup of coffee?

[ last week’s host, Mariel Hemingway, steps up to Lorne’s desk and pours him a cup of coffee ]

Mariel Hemingway: Want anything else, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: No. I’d like to be alone.

Mariel Hemingway: Okay. [ she walks away ]

[ cut to Chevy exiting Lorne’s office and walking behind audience members seated at the balcony. Jim Breuer is standing by the wall. ]

Jim Breuer: [ to himself, as Chevy passes ] Holy cow! [ strides behind Chevy ] Mr. Chase!

Chevy Chase: [ responds without looking ] Yeah?

Jim Breuer: Jim Breuer. I’m a new cast member!

Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s great. [ turns to acknowledge Jim ] Sorry. It’s nice to meet you, Tim.

Jim Breuer: It’s Jim!

Chevy Chase: Yeah. Whatever. Hope you can save the show.

Jim Breuer: This is so great to have you here, you know? I used to watch you all the time. You know, ’cause I’m like you, I like to do physical comedy.

Chevy Chase: Great. Look, Bobby, uh —

Jim Breuer: Jim! Jim.

Chevy Chase: Yeah, whatever. I-I-I gotta do this “Braveheart” thing, so it’s nice talking to you. Maybe I’ll see you at the party, or something.

Jim Breuer: Mr. Chase, you’re not gonna go down this stairfall, are you? [ the angle cuts to look up toward them, the other cast members still standing on cue at the bottom of the staircase ] I mean, this is kind of crazy, don’t you think? You’re a 55-year old, you shouldn’t be doing this stuff.

Chevy Chase: I’m 49. Okay? Betty?

Jim Breuer: Jim.

Chevy Chase: Jim. [ Chevy stops at the top of the staircase, sighs; Jim looks sorrowfully at him ] Now, Jim.. Lorne wants me to do a fall. I owe him seven shows.. there’s a good chance I won’t get hurt, and.. you know, this is comedy, so what the heck?

Jim Breuer: Mr. Chase.

Chevy Chase: Yeah?

Jim Breuer: Let me do the fall. You know, I’m at that age where I just feel I’m invincible, you know? And I love to hear the laughter! Come on!

[ soft music pots up ]

Chevy Chase: Betty — that’s exactly how I used to feel. [ sigh ] Life is going to one continuous party, I thought that things were going to be.. going my way continually. A little fall here, a little fall there, some laughter, then I cash the elephant check. But, after a while, I started noticing back pains that hadn’t been there before, aches in the morning, and I-I-I-I turned to pills. Pils aren’t good for you, Betty. I think they’re what gave me that bout of syphilis. [ Jim nods his head ] Don’t contradict me, my wife is watching. Soon, it was pills in the morning, pills at night. Back pains, they just kept coming. I was in and out of rehab so many times, they gave me my own doggie door, Butch. [ sighs ] I’m turning 48 tomorrow, and I don’t like what life has become. and you won’t like your life, either, if you go the fall route. Take it from me.Wow, Mr. Chase. Thanks. I think I really learned something from you today, you know? I think I’m going to take a more.. cerebral approach to comedy, you know? None of this fall stuff. Man, you’re the best, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Thanks, Ron. [ a beat, before he pushes Jim down the stairs ]

[ the cast members standing at the bottom of the staircase cheer as Jim tumbles down to their feet ]

[ cut back to Chevy at the top of the stairs, as he looks directly into the camera ]

Chevy Chase: “Live! From New York –“

Beth McCarthy V/O: Chevy, we already did that.

Chevy Chase: Oh. [ regains himself ] Uhh.. ladies and gentlemen, uhh.. Lisa Loeb! and Nine Stories!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

The Blame Game

Sparky Griffin…..Mark McKinney
John Robbins…..Chevy Chase
Jamal Thompson…..Tim Meadows
Paula…..Nancy Walls

Sparky Griffin: Hello, everybody, and welcome, once again, to “The Blame Game”. I’m Sparky Griffin. I didn’t pick the name, they just hung it on me when I was born. Okay! Let’s meet our first contestant. We have a businessman who’s a member of the Suburban Homeowner’s Committee, a husband and a father – John Robbins. Come on out, John! [ John steps up to his podium ] John, tell me a little about this Suburban Homeowner’s Committee. What do you do?

John Robbins: Well, basically, we stop people from putting up things we don’t like.

Sparky Griffin: Oh? Well, good for you! Okay! And now, let’s meet our other contestant – Jamal Thompson. Jamal? [ Jamal steps up to his podium ] Now, it says here that you’re a husband and a father, a member of the Nubian Neighborhood Coalition and the African-American Reparations Committee. Welcome, Jamal.

Jamal Thompson: Hello there, Sir.

Sparky Griffin: So, what does your work on the Reparations Committee involve?

Jamal Thompson: Well, Sir, basically, we seek reparation from the white government for what they’ve stolen from the black man.

John Robbins: Good! Then I’ll send you a bill for the Club on my steering wheel!

Jamal Thompson: Why don’t you go put on a pair of Docker’s and watch another episode of “Mad About You”?

Sparky Griffin: O-kay! Well, I guess we should start the game! Now, the first round is worth 50 points, and our first category is “Famous Accidents”.

John Robbins: [ hitting the buzzer prematurely ] I’m sorry.

Sparky Griffin: Do you want to wait for the question? Okay. Who was responsible for the Chicago Fire of 1871? [ John hits his buzzer ] John?

John Robbins: Was there a looting afterwards?

Jamal Thompson: No, embezzling.

Sparky Griffin: Okay, Jamal, that’s your turn.

Jamal Thompson: Finally. 300 years later.

John Robbins: Here we go again, same old song and dance!

Jamal Thompson: Listen, Sir, I neither sing nor dance!

Sparky Griffin: Alright, let’s calm down here. The answer was a cow, a multi-colored cow.

John Robbins: A multi-colored cow? What are you, a liberal?

Jamal Thompson: What are you, racist?

Sparky Griffin: No, I am a game show host. A game show host. No points there. Alright, next question: Who was responsible for the development of the Atomic Bomb? [ Jamal hits his buzzer ] Jamal?

Jamal Thompson: That is a Eurocentric question, probably made by a panel of white European males. It has no relevance to me or the African people!

Sparky Griffin: Ah. Okay, I’ll take that as “Don’t Know.”

John Robbins: Well, I would know, but I couldn’t get into a good college because of affirmative action.

Sparky Griffin: Alright, I’m sorry. The correct answer was Robert Oppenheimer.

John Robbins: Figures.

Jamal Thompson: Figures.

Sparky Griffin: Alright. [ John hits his buzzer ] I’m sorry – what that sound means is that it’s time for the Lightning Round, [ John gives a quizzical look ] where we give you a problem, and you tell us who you feel is responsible. Jamal?

Jamal Thompson: Alright, let’s do it!

Sparky Griffin: Alright. Drugs.

Jamal Thompson: White people!

Sparky Griffin: Unemployment.

Jamal Thompson: White people!

Sparky Griffin: O.J.’s murder trial.

Jamal Thompson: Whitey!

Sparky Griffin: Inflation.

Jamal Thompson: Korean grocers!

Sparky Griffin: Ooh. Okay, Jamal, very good. On a Blame Scale, you scored 100 points. Now, it’s your turn, John. Are you ready?

John Robbins: Ready! [ hits his buzzer ]

Sparky Griffin: Overpopulation.

John Robbins: The Chinaman.

Sparky Griffin: Immigration.

John Robbins: Mexicans.

Sparky Griffin: The deficit

John Robbins: The Jews.

Sparky Griffin: Crime

John Robbins: [ laughs and points to Jamal ]

Sparky Griffin: Okay, well, you also scored perfectly! Nobody wins, because we’re out of time, but you will receive a consolation prize. Paula, come out here, honey, and show them what they’ve won.

[ Paula holds up the prize on another part of the set ]

Paula: Don’t patronize me. My name isn’t “Honey.” You’ve won a clock!

John Robbins: What a bitch!

Jamal Thompson: Yeah, she probably wants to be a man!

Sparky Griffin: Well, they want to do everything a man does, but they aren’t capable. Then you accidentally walk into the ladies room naked, and they file charges. So, what are you gonna do? Okay! Well, tune in next week, everybody, and, until then, when something goes wrong in your life, it’s not your fault, because..

Everyone: “I.. Blame.. You!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Gangsta Bitch Barbie

…..Chevy Chase

FADE IN:

[ THE “MOTTEL” LOGO IN LOWER RIGHT CORNER ]

Announcer: Mottel Toys presents its new “street-life” division

[ Two little girls are chatting on an urban street corner. ]

Announcer: Hey girls!

[ The girls face the camera. ]

Announcer: Guess who’s representing in the 9-5?

[ A ghetto Barbie in cornrows is placed in front of the camera. ]

Announcer: It’s Gangsta Bitch Barbie!

[ One of the girls mouths “Wow!” Both then start playing with the new Barbie. ]

Announcer: All the ladies in the house are saying “Oh Yeah!”

[ The girls pound their fists up and down saying “Oh yeah! ]

Announcer: Barbie comes direct with Jolly Ranchers…

[ A hand displays a doll backpack. The backpack dispenses a little pieceof paper and doll accessory cigarettes and Jolly Ranchers. ]

Announcer: A pack of Newports and a restraining order against 2 Pac Ken.

[ A hand rolls out Ken dressed as a thug, driving a black Jeep. ]

Announcer: Oh yeah, Ken! He’s gotta be a roughneck!

[ The other girl plays with Ken. ]

Announcer: Hey Ken! Those pants are riding a little high… You sucka!

[ The little girl playing with Ken shows the THUG LIFE tattoo printed his torso. ]

Announcer: Don’t forget to puff up those boxers! Don’t even trip, Ken!Nobody wants to smell your stank-ass breath in their face, son!

[ The girl playing with Barbie uses the doll’s hand to slap Ken. ]

[ GANGSTA BITCH BARBIE and 2 PAC KEN with JEEP STAGE DISPLAYED. ]

Announcer: Gangsta Bitch Barbie and 2 Pac Ken. Stupid toys for crazy-fun kids!!

Jingle:
“Gangsta Bitch Barbie!
She’s going to fall for you!”

[ CLOSE UP ON BARBIE BOX: READS “POPS THAT COOCHIE!” ]

[ GANGSTA BITCH BARBIE BY HERSELF ]

Announcer: Street Life Toys. From Mottel.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2

95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

Althea

Flight Attendant Turner…..Nancy Walls
Co-Pilot…..Jim Brueur
Captain Burke…..Chevy Chase
Althea…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on interior, cockpit, as Flight Attendant turner enters to Captain Burke and his Co-Pilot ]

Flight Attendant Turner: Captain Burke, are you ready for your next little co-pilot?

Co-Pilot: [ laughs ] It’s your turn to play Happy Captain! I’m gonna cruise the cabin. Have fun! [ exits ]

Captain Burke: Okay, but make it a quick one, will you?

Flight Attendant Turner: I’ll go get her. [ exits cockpit and pulls in hyperactive Althea ] Come on in. Althea, this is Captain Burke; Captain, this is Althea McMenannan.

Captain Burke: Well, welcome aboard, Althea! Ever been in the cockpit of a 727 before?

Flight Attendant Turner: Okay, I’ll leave you two alone.

Captain Burke: Alrighty. [ she exits the cockpit ] Thank you, Flight Attendant Turner.

Althea: [ bouncy ] Thank you, Flight Attendant Turner!

Captain Burke: Hey, Althea.. I sure could use a good co-pilot. Think you’re up to the job?

Althea: Yeah! My teacher, Mrs. McGivens, her husband’s a pilot, he came to our school to tell us about his job, and then we had a test, and I got an A, so Mrs. McGivens said that I had.. THE RIGHT STUFF!!!

Captain Burke: Well.. that’s good to know. And you know what an altimeter is? Well, it tells you how high the jet stre-

Althea: Do you have any kids!

Captain Burke: No.. no, I don’t have any kids..

Althea: I have a little brother – Corey. My little brother Corey was born with only one testicle!

Captain Burke: Well, I’m sorry..

Althea: How many do you have, do you have one, or two!

Captain Burke: I have two.

Althea: You only need one!

Captain Burke: [ uncomfortable ] Well.. I wouldn’t know about that.. [ Althea starts touching things in the cockpit ] No, no! don’t touch anything here, okay? Just relax.

Althea: But I have the right STUFF!!

Captain Burke: I know. But I need you to sit in your seat, okay? Right here. Be a good co-pilot. [ speaks into his intercom ] Will Flight Attendant Turner please report to the cockpit? Flight Attendant Turner, please report to the cockpit. [ turns back to Althea ] Yeah, maybe you’d like to see the outside of the jet?

Althea: Captain Burke, we’re gonna go visit my Aunt Jane in Colorado, where it’s cold! My Aunt Jane has a life partner, her nae is Ju-dy! They’re not married, they’re life partners! LIFE PARTNERS!!!

Captain Burke: Watch the controls, now. [ speaks into his intercom ] Will any flight attendant please report to the cockpit? Any flight attendant, please report to the cockpit. Run to the cockpit!

Althea: Captain Burke, I don’t do drugs, you know why!

Captain Burke: [ smug ] What would be the point?

Althea: Because only a dope does dope! And if a big kid asks me, I’m just gonna tell him that I don’t need drugs to feel good! Besides, I’m already h-h-h-hooked on PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! HOOKED ON PHONICS!!! [ stomps ]

Captain Burke: I need you to stay put. Just stay put. Don’t touch that..

Althea: Captain Burke, my mom does drugs, but they’re prescription to calm her down!

Captain Burke: [ smug again ] Well, now that’s a big surprise. [ into intercom ] Uh.. Flight 839 to Control Tower, please.

Althea: Captain Burke!!

Captain Burke: [ into intercom ] Flight 839 to Tower.

Althea: Captain Burke, do you like Amy Grant!

Captain Burke: Who?

Althea: Amy Grant! [ sings and dances “Lucky One” ]

Captain Burke: I used to..

Althea: [ pulls out her doll ] Say hello to Baywatch Barbie!

Captain Burke: Hello, Baywatch Barbie.

Althea: She’s not a bimbo, she’s a LIFEGUARD!! [ stomps ]

Captain Burke: [ into his intercom ] Will any friggin’ flight attendant report to the cockpit?!

Althea: Captain Burke, I’m not gonna have sex before marriage, you know why, you know why!

Captain Burke: [ smug once more ] ‘Cause nobody will touch you.

Althea: ‘Cause no one can touch my body except my husband!

Captain Burke: Mmm..

Althea: I can touch my body! But only if I’m gonna.. wash.. or if I feel the need.. to explore!

Captain Burke: [ into his intercom ] Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to interrupt our flight feature – “Free Willy 2” – but if a flight attendant doesn’t get her ass in the cockpit, I’m gonna take this plane down, okay?!

[ Flight Attendat Turner finally returns to the cockpit ]

Flight Attendant Turner: Okay, Althea, okay.. looks like you’re time is up, okay?

Althea: But I wanted to tell Captain Burke a joke!

Flight Attendant Turner: Well, why don’t you tell it to me, okay? It’s time to go.

Althea: Captain Burke.. Captain Burke has two testicles!

Flight Attendant Turner: [ pause ] Yes, I know. Let’s go.

[ Flight Attendant Turer and Althea exit the cockpit, leaving a stunned Captain Burke alone with his thoughts ]

Captain Burke: Uh.. please, no more testi-.. uh.. no more visitors in the cockpit.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 7th, 1995

Chevy Chase

Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories

None

Lorne Michaels

Mariel Hemingway

Don Novello
NFL on NBCSummary: O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) hints at guilt during football game commentary with coach Marv Levy (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson, Bob Costas, Mike Ditka.

Transcript

Montage

Chevy Chase’s MonologueSummary: Donning a Jiminy Cricket imitation, Chevy Chase sings “When You Wish Upon a Star” while reminiscing about SNL’s early days.

Transcript

LobotolSummary: Employee (Nancy Walls) slows her overachieving co-worker (Cheri Oteri) down with a dose of Lobotol.

Transcript

AltheaSummary: Hyperactive little girl Althea (Cheri Oteri) annoys the plane’s captain (Chevy Chase) during her flight.

Recurring Characters: Althea.

Transcript

The Blame GameSummary: Contestants (Chevy Chase, Tim Meadows) blame each other in their quest for game show glory.

Transcript

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls a blase encounter with escaped criminal.

Transcript

BraveheartSummary: A medieval crowd stands below stone steps waiting for Braveheart, who doesn’t show, to come down. It’s all a ploy for Lorne Michaels to get Chevy Chase to honor a decades-old contract to perform the falls he didn’t do when he left SNL early. Chevy relunctantly agrees, but urges new cast member Jim Breuer to take the high road, just before he pushes him down the steps. Chevy starts to yell “Live from New York!” before being told the show has already started. He introduces tonight’s musical guest instead.

Note: Six years earlier, at SNL’s 15th anniversary, Chevy Chase had to beg Lorne Michaels to let him open the special with a fall, and was forced to sign various waivers stating he wouldn’t sue the network if he hurt himself because of his age.

Transcript

Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories perform “Do You Sleep?”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) announces that Pope John Paul II lost his wallet in Central Park. He later promises a special mass for the New Yorker who finds the wallet.

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Prom FlashbackSummary: A married couple (Will Ferrell, Cheri Oteri) are still together in spite of their horrendous prom night years earlier.

Transcript

Gangsta Bitch BarbieSummary: The street-life toy that represents in the 9-5.

Transcript

The Mark Fuhrman ShowSummary: Mark Fuhrman (Chevy Chase) pretends to be enlightened by a rap singer (Tim Meadows) during an interview.

O.J. TodaySummary: After O.J. Simpson is declared “Not guilty,” the cast and crew of “O.J. Today” show off their favorite outtakes during their final show.

Recurring Characters: Bill McDonald.

Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade comments on the decline of popular music.

Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories perform “Stay”

LampreysSummary: A young boy (Cheri Oteri) is heartbroken to part with his beloved face-sucking eels.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts