Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
[ show image of INS agent pointing gun at Elian Gonzalez in the closet ]
Spokesman: Elian Gonzalez. The young, innocent refugee whose incredible saga ended with one of the most memorable and horrifying scenes in recent history. Whether you blame the government, the protesters, or Elian’s relatives, we all agree that this final image is simpy awful.
[ show the Elian image on a plate ]
And now, you can own it, on your very own commemorative plate! It’s Elain Under Duress, part of the brand new America’s Worst Moments commemorative plates series from Zelman Collectibles. For just $129, a new plate will arrive at your door monthly, each depicting one of the most embarrassing events in our nation’s history.
You’ll get the Iran-Contra Scandal plate, beautiful McCarthy Hearings plate, the Clarence Thomas Coke Can plate, and of course the Reform Party plate.
These are the moments every American is ashamed of. And what better way to remember our shame, than by displaying it proudly in your own home on fine, imported porcelain. But the America’s Worst Moments series isn’t limited to politics. You’ll also get plaes that recall these terrible events: Woodstock ’99, Marisa Tomei’s Academy Award, Dennis Rodman’s Crossdressing Phase, That Cher Video on the Navy Ship, Andrew “Dice” Clay, Roseanne Singing the National Anthem, and many, many more.
This collection simply can’t be missed. You may cancel at any time, and the Elian Under Duress plate is yours to keep. Call today, and bring America’s most humiliating failures into your living room.
Colin Quinn: Well, Spring is in the air. The time when a young man’s thoughts turn to romance and young love. Here with some of his thoughts on the subject, is our own Chris Parnell.
Chris Parnell: Thanks, Colin. You know, I’ve never done one of these “Update” things before, so I’m a little nervous. When I first heard that Britney Spears was gonna be hosting the show, I got pretty excited [ laughs ]. I don’t think anybody would blame me for that. I mean, she’s so talented and beautiful and sweet.. I just started wondering what it would be like to go out with her. You know, maybe we were both out in L.A. this summer, and I’d call her up and ask her out on a date, and she says, “Sure, come on over.” So, I drive over and pick her up, and she comes out looking just radiant.. well, it’s kind of corny, but I wrote this song about what our date might be like. [ stands ] So, Britney, this is for you:
Listen up, bee-otch! You know she sex me, when she looks my way I can’t defend me, all I can do is pray For her to spare me, from that sweet death ray But the bitch really wants to take a roll in the hay So I say, “Britney, baby let’s just slow it on down, You know that you and me could take a spin around town Just hop into my rover, roll the window down”
Yo it’s a west side night, and I’m feelin alright Got Britney down my pants and my gin and sprite Yo it’s a west side night, and I’m feelin alright Got Britney down my pants and my gin and sprite
And so we’re mackin, at every mother f-in light, And I say “Chill bitch, I got some business tonight” And then I see them, in the opposite lane, That carload of chumps’ll know the meaning of pain
Yo it’s a west side night and I’m feelin alright, Got Britney in my pants and my gin and sprite
So bang bang bang goes my Gat into the car, That’s hit number six this week so far, I know the names, the dirty games, But tonight their evil will go up in flames
Yo it’s a west side hit, I got my Mack 10 lit, Britney get down, you don’t wanna see this sh… Yo it’s a west side hit, I got my Mack 10 lit, Britney get down, you don’t wanna see this sh…
Some be dyin, some be fryin, and too much circumstance then you’ll be crying, so don’t be cryin’, and I’m just dyin’ And as this bitch blows up they will be flyin’,
Yo it’s a west side hit, I got my Mack 10 lit, Britney get down, you don’t wanna see this sh…
Britney Spears is just laughing as we drive away, And I know tonight I’m gonna get some play But if she tries to make me stay, she can go to hell, I got another f-ing date tonight with Sarah Michelle!
Bruce Dickinson…..Christopher Walken Eric Bloom…..Chris Parnell Buck Dharma…..Horatio Sanz Alan…..Chris Kattan Bobby…..Jimmy Fallon Gene Frenkle…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: After a series of staggering defeats, Blue Oyster Cult assembled in the recording studio in late 1976 for a session with famed producer Bruce Dickinson. And, luckily for us, the cameras were rolling.
[ dissolve to recording studio ]
Bruce Dickinson: Alright, guys, I think we’re ready to lay this first track down. By the way, my name is Bruce Dickinson. Yes, the Bruce Dickinson. And I gotta tell you: fellas.. you have got what appears to be a dynamite sound!
Eric Bloom: Coming from you, Bruce, that means a lot.
Buck Dharma: Yeah. I mean, you’re Bruce Dickinson!
Alan: This is incredible!
Bobby: I can’t believe Bruce Dickinson digs our sound!
Bruce Dickinson: Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you — one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. [ the group laughs ] Alright, here we go. “Fear… Don’t Fear the Reaper” — take one. Roll it [ he exits into the control booth ]
Eric Bloom: Alright! One, two, three, four…
[ The group starts the song: “All our times have come Here but now they’re gone…” — Bobby slaps the drums, Eric jams his guitar, and Gene bangs on a cowbell. ]
Eric Bloom: [ distracted by Gene banging the cowbell ] Okay! Wait! Wait! Stop! [ the group cuts off their instruments ] Um, Bruce, could you come in here for a minute, please?
Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] That… that was gonna be a great track. Guys, what’s the deal?
Eric Bloom: Uh, are you sure that was sounding okay?
Bruce Dickinson: I’ll be honest.. fellas, it was sounding great. But.. I could’ve used a little more cowbell. So.. let’s take it again.. and, Gene?
Gene Frenkle: Yeah?
Bruce Dickinson: Really explore the studio space this time.
Gene Frenkle: You got it, Bruce.
Bruce Dickinson: I mean, really.. explore the space. I like what I’m hearing. roll it.
[ the group starts the song again, as Gene bangs more wildly onto the cowbell, gyrating his exposed belly. In the booth, Walken is smiling to keep from laughing. Before the session is interrupted, Gene misses a beat on his cowbell.]
Eric Bloom: Okay, wait! Stop! Stop! Bruce, I’m sorry, could you come back in here, please?
Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] Fellas.. now, we just wasted two good tracks! This last one was even better than the first!
Eric Bloom: Well, it’s just that I find Gene’s cowbell playing distracting! I don’t know, if I’m the only one, I’ll shut up.
Buck Dharma: Nah, it was pretty rough.
Gene Frenkle: You know, I could pull it back a little, if you’d like.
Bruce Dickinson: Not too much, though! I’m telling you, fellas — you’re gonna want that cowbell on the track!
Gene Frenkle: You know what? It’s fine. Let’s just do the thing.
Bruce Dickinson: Okay, Roll it.
Eric Bloom: One, two, three, four…
[ the band starts the song once more, with Gene banging the cowbell right next to Eric’s ear until Eric pushes him, knocking over the microphone and causing Horatio Sanz to fall ]
Eric Bloom: [ stopping the song again, fighting Gene ] COME ON, GENE!!
Gene Frenkle: NO, YOU COME ON!!
Bruce Dickinson: [ running out of the booth again ] Guys, y know that that it doesn’t work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!
Alan: [ grabs Gene’s shirt ] Don’t blow this for us, Gene!
Bobby: [ cracks up ] Quit… quit being so selfish, Gene!
Gene Frenkle: Can I just say one thing?
Bruce Dickinson: Sure, baby! Just say it!
Gene Frenkle: I’m standing here, staring at rock legend Bruce Dickinson!
Bruce Dickinson: The cock of the walk, baby!
Gene Frenkle: And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell!
Bruce Dickinson: Say it, baby!
Gene Frenkle: And, Bobby, you are right – I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don’t have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell.
Bruce Dickinson: I gotta have more cowbell, baby!
Gene Frenkle: And I’d be doing myself a disservice — [begins to slightly laugh. Jimmy Fallon turns away and bites down on his drumstick to keep from laughing] and every member of this band, if I didnt perform the HELL out of this!
Bruce Dickinson: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!
Gene Frenkle: Thank you, Bruce. But I think if… I think if I just leave… and maybe I’ll come back later, and we can lay down the cowbell. [ starts to leave the studio ]
Bruce Dickinson: Aw, come on, baby..
Eric Bloom: Gene, wait! Why don’t you lay down that cowbell right now. With us. Together.
[ long pause while Gene looks around at the band ]
Gene Frenkle: Do you mean that, Eric?
Eric Bloom: Oh, yeah.
Buck Dharma: He speaks for all of us.
Gene Frenkle: Thank you.
Bruce Dickinson: Babies.. before we’re done here.. y’all be wearing gold-plated diapers.
Alan: [ confused ] What does that mean?
Bruce Dickinson: Never question Bruce Dickinson! Roll it! [ exits back to booth ]
[ Gene picks up the fallen microphone and high-fives the drummer before getting into position ]
Eric Bloom: One, two, three, four…
[ the band starts up again, this time Frenkle is playing the cowbell in tune with the band. Close-up on Gene as he bangs the cowbell to freeze-frame with graphic: “In Memoriam: Gene Frenkle: 1950-2000” ]
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond Lead Immigrant…..Molly Shannon Fidel Castro…..Christopher Walken Sandra Millheart…..Ana Gasteyer Elian Gonzalez…..Rachel Dratch Juan Gonzalez…..Chris Kattan Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
OPEN ON: VIDEOTAPE OF THE LION KING GRAPHIC. MUSIC PLAYING UNDER.
Announcer: From the people who brought you The Lion King!
CUT TO: VIDEOTAPE OF AIDA GRAPHIC
Announcer: And the new musical Aida!
INT. BROADWAY STAGE
Mostly black. A bunch of ragtag Cuban immigrants packed in a cheap boat. Thunder and lightning booms behind them.
Announcer: Comes the story of one boy and his fight for freedom!
Immigrants: [singing] “This boats a rockin And it lookin pretty bad We aint gonna make it But we gotta save the lad Save the boy!
Lead Immigrant: [singing]”Save Eliaaaan!”
CUT TO: ELIAN, THE CUBAN BOY! LOGO
Announcer: Elian, The Cuban Boy! With the magnificent Christopher Walken as the evil Fidel!
Fidel Castro: [singing] “One little boy In a tiny little boat Hes making a mockery Of meeeeee! I will catch him And show him Fidel can be meaner Than the sea! Yes Fidel can be meaner Than the sea!”
Castro laughs. SANDRA MILLHEART ENTERS. A spotlight shines on her.
Announcer: and the angelic Sandra Millheart as the kind hearted American relative who risked it all to save a boy
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “This is my boy He belongs to me Im going to steal him If I cant have him legally!”
Announcer: An epic battle between good and evil.
Fidel Castro: [singing] “I want to kill him!”
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “He loves America.”
Fidel Castro: [singing] “Ill stop at nothing!”
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “I took him to Old Navy.”
Fidel Castro: [singing] “Hes gonna be a Commie.”
Sandra Millheart: [singing] “His favorite show is Kids Say the Darndest Things.”
Both: [singing] “Elian!!”
ELIAN GONZALEZ, wearing oversized overalls and a baseball cap, holds a football.
Announcer: Introducing David Mack Wilson as the lovable Elian Gonzalez!
Elian Gonzalez: [singing] “I dont wanna go home I just want to play football I gotta a buncha new pals And a frog in my pocket!”
JANET RENO & JUAN GONZALEZ, sit side by side on Renos desk.
Announcer: With Richard Kyle Pierce as Juan Gonzalez and a special appearance by Attorney General Janet Reno.
Janet Reno: [singing] “Theres a sacred bond Between father and son I will uphold the law Until the deed is done.”
Juan Gonzalez: [singing] “My boy Elian Weve been so long apart And you Janet Reno Have lifted my heart.”
Both: [singing] “Oh look at us Arent we a pair? We want whats best for the boy We dooooo But in all the madness We found each other And I fell in love with you.”
[ They kiss. Elians now riding a dolphin. ]
Announcer: Come join Elian and his magic dolphin as they fly through the sky over our great, free land.
Elian Gonzalez: [singing] “In every man Theres a little boy Just waiting to be free I know its true Cause I had a dream And in that dream was meeee !!!”
Announcer: If youve ever loved a boy, this is a boy for all time! Elian, The Cuban Boy! The entire cast is grouped together.
Announcer: From the mind of Milos Forman, the acclaimed director of The People vs. Larry Flynt and Man on the Moon, comes another gripping true-life story of human redemption.
INT. BATHROOM
[ The FONZ gazes into a dirty vanity mirror. ]
Fonzie: You can win! You work in a garage, sure but youre more than that.
[ FREEZE FRAME ]
Announcer: The story of one, small-time hood, who went on to become one of the most famous men in the world.
Fonzie: Everybody looks up to you. You come from nothing, now, you own this town. Get out there and show them who you are!
[ The Fonz goes to put his leather jacket. ]
Announcer: Christopher Walken is Fonzie!
Fonzie: Aaaaeeeyyy!
INT. ARNOLDS DRIVE-IN
[RICHIE CUNNINGHAM gives POTSI an icy glare. ]
Announcer: with David Caruso as Richie Cunningham
Richie Cunningham: You listen to me Im tired of your mouth, BUCKO!
Announcer: Al Pacino as Potsi
Potsi: Dont you get, Rich — God gave me something SPECIAL! I can SING!
Announcer: A motion picture which lays bare the picture of the human soul.
Fonzie: Both of yousz sit on it!
[ A FIST SWOOSHS ACROSS AND POUNDS THE JUKEBOX ]
Announcer: Fonzie a stock portrait of a man unwilling to face his own fallibility.
Fonzie: Look, I admit it – I made a mistake! I was wrrrooooogh!
[ A SWITCHBLADE COMB FLIES OPEN ]
Announcer: Fonzie the stirring story of a garage mechanic who once jumped a tiger shark on water skis.
INT. BATHROOM
[ Fonzie shadows over CHACHI as she ties a rubber tourniquet and holds a syringe in her other hand. ]
Announcer: with a special uncredited performance by Hilary Swank as Chachi.
[ Jimmy starts chuckling. ]
Chachi: Dont you get, Fonz? This stuff makes me feel good, ya know? Like nothing ever did before – not you, not Al, not Jenny Piccolo, not the Malachi Bros. nobody! You want to take that away from me!!
[ Fonzie looks directly into the CAMERA ]
Fonzie: Correctamundo!
[ SUPER: THE NEW YORK TIMES LOGO ]
[ INSERT AUTHORS NAME & QUOTE ]
Announcer: Stephen Holden of The New York Times calls Fonzie a cinematic experience so moving youll be sitting on it for weeks afterward
INT. ARNOLDS DRIVE-IN
[ Fonzie looms over the jukebox. ]
Announcer: Fonzie – a dark look into the torment of the coolest man in Milwaukee
[ Walken asks for a stage direction then starts crying. ]
Fonzie: WHAT AM I!? WHAT HAVE I BECOME!? I call a mens room my office! I own three articles of clothing!
[ Fonzie pulls out his switchblade comb. ]
Fonzie: I use a switchblade comb for a knife for Christs Sake! And Im not kidding!
Announcer: The pain of being a hero
[ CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON FONZIE ]
Fonzie: I spent my whole life masking other people happy, but what about me!?!?!? Where are my Happy Days!? WHERE ARE MY HAPPY DAYS!?
[ UNFOCUSED IMAGE ]
[ BLACK SCREEN ]
[ SUPER: Fonzie The heartache of one human soul ]
Announcer: Fonzie The heartache of one human soul Aaaaeeeyyy!
Christopher Walken: [ looking straight at the cue cards ] Thanks — [ gets stuck; silent amid the applause ]
Dana Carvey: Christopher Walken!
Christopher Walken: [ finds his place ] — to Christina Aguilera! Dana Carvey! J. Mascis! And — [ looks offstage, as Christina Aguilera runs onto the stage and into Jimmy Fallon’s arms ]
[ as the credits roll, Walken runs off the stage and returns a moment later with two champagne flutes in his hands; he hands one to Jimmy Fallon. The cameraman from The Continental sketch walks up to the crowd, as the camera angle changes to his perspective. He reaches out his gloved hand to toast champagne flutes with Walken. Chris Kattan clinks flutes with the cameraman as well. ]
Jenny Jones: Okay! Okay! Today’s guests are confronting the people who teased them in school! This is their chance to say, “You called me a freak, now I’m super chic!” First up, we have Shawna and Kenneth! Kenneth, Shawna says in school you called her names like Beanpole and Skelator. Now, why did you tease Shawna?
Kenneth: [ bouncing on the stage ] Aw, she was all skin and bones, you know? braces all the time, she used to look like Olive Oyl on crack!
Jenny Jones: Is this how you remember Shawna?
[ show horrible picture of Shawna ]
Kenneth: Yeah! Yeah, that’s her on a good day.
Jenny Jones: Well, take a look at Shawna now! Shawna! Come on out!
[ Shawna steps through her picture and shows off for Kenneth ]
Shawna: You know you want it! you know you want it! Come on! You know you want it, come on, baby!
Jenny Jones: Shawna, you look great! You look great!
Shawna: Thanks. [ shaking it in front of Kenneth ] You know you want it! You know you want it!
Jenny Jones: Now, what have you been doing since high school?
Shawna: I’m a professional masseuse, specializing in shiatsu and full-release. And last year I was crowned Miss Nude Michigan! [ shaking it in front of Kenneth ] You know you want it!
Jenny Jones: Good for you! Good for you! Shawna? Shawna? What do you want to say to Kenneth? What do you want to say to Kenneth?
Shawna: [ to Kenneth ] You used to throw dog treats, and now you know you couldn’t get no one as good as me! You know it’s true!
Kenneth: Please.
Shawna: You know you want it!
Kenneth: You look like you sewed someone’s ass to your chest! [ to audience ] Am I right? [ audience boos ] Shut up! You shut up! You don’t know me! You shut up! You don’t know me!
[ Audience Member stands up to comment ]
Audience Member: Yeah.. I just want to say to the guy in the shirt..
Jenny Jones: Kenneth?
Audience Member: Yeah. You’re not all that. Checkity-check yourself, before you wreck yourself. And that’s the truth. And, to the beautiful lady..
Jenny Jones: Shawna?
Audience Member: Yeah. You look good. You’re not hurtin’ anybody. Let your freak flag fly!
Jenny Jones: Okay.
Audience Member: Hey. Hey, dream your dream, baby girl.
Jenny Jones: Okay, next we have Ricky and Paulette..
Audience Member: Yeah.. be a hero in the double zero.
Jenny Jones: Okay, great. Paulette? It says here you used to torment Ricky about his weight, you used to oink like a pig whenever he walked by – now, that’s really mean!
Paulette: Okay, no, wait. No, wait. You gotta understand my side of the story, okay? He was fat! The boy was fat! He looked like a Pillsbury Doughboy on steroids! Ha!
Jenny Jones: Well. Let’s take a look at Ricky in high school. [ show horrible picture of Ricky ] And here’s the new Ricky! [ Ricky steps through her picture and shows off for Paulette ] Ricky! Look at you! What happened?
Ricky: Well.. I went on a diet, of my own invention. For a year, I ate nothing but candy necklaces and Pidialyte. Um.. I got skurvy.. [ laughs ] ..but I also lost 280 pounds. Uh.. I’m now an amateur erotic entertainer. [ stands up and gyrates ] You can catch me Monday afternoons at Bulges, in Northwest Mulline.
Paulette: [ waving her hands ] Sit down.. sit down..
Jenny Jones: No, no, come on! He looks pretty good. Would you go out with him now?
Paulette: [ aghast ] Please! Okay! I need a man, alright? With a real job! I got 19 kids! Check me out – I’m on welfare! Okay! I’m on welfare, okay!
[ Audience Member stands up to comment again ]
Audience Member: You know.. I just want to say, that to the leather man..
Jenny Jones: Ricky?
Audience Member: Yeah. Don’t let anybody stand in the way of your dreams. That’s the truth. For real. And to the female on welfare..
Jenny Jones: Paulette?
Audience Member: I pay my bills. I take care of my kids. You need to get rid of that weed.
Paulette: Sit down! Sit down!
Jenny Jones: Okay, next we have..
Audience Member: Grey Stockton takes care of his biz-ness!
Jenny Jones: Okay, thank you! Next, we have Devon and T’ai Shay. Devon, you say in high school T’ai Shay looked like Screech on rat poison! Well, what do you mean?
Devon: This kid was a geek, Jenny, now. One time, we buried him up to his neck, man, and beat him in the head with golf clubs, man! It was hilarious! [ laughs ]
Jenny Jones: Well.. here’s T’ai Shay in middle school.. [ show horrible picture of T’ai Shay ] ..and here his is now. T’Shay!
[ T’ai Shay, now a woman, steps through his/her picture and shows off for Devon ]
T’ai Shay: It’s all good! It’s all good! How you like me now?
Devon: Oh, scrap! Oh, scrap! T’ai Shay?!
T’ai Shay: It is me, Poppy!
Devon: Who, whoa.. You was a scrawny, scrappy, skank-ass little dude! But you’ve grown into a very elegant, beautiful woman.. and I very sincerely apologize, and would like to take you to Chili’s for some soup and half a sandwich.
T’ai Shay: [ sits on Devon’s knee ] Yeah! Okay! I would love it! [ Devon starts to make out with him/her ]
Jenny Jones: [ elated ] See! See! Good things do happen! [ Audience Member stands up to comment once more ]
Audience Member: Yeah. Yeah. I just want to say, to the black dude and the trannie..
Jenny Jones: Oh, boy! Devon and T’ai Shay!
Audience Member: These freaks are all player-haters. But you are player-participaters. I feel you! You know what I’m saying.
Jenny Jones: Okay! Let’s just have a crappy local band play us into commercial, please..
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Christopher Walken!
[Cheers and applause]
Christopher Walken: Thank you. Thanks so much. Im glad to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. I miss this place. You know, in the movies, I never get a chance to do things like this. Sing, dance, do crazy make-em ups. Since I turned 39, I dont go out much and I dont stay up very late, and sometimes
[ A crew member hands Christopher a microphone. The SNL Band strikes up a tune behind Walken. ]
[singing] “Saturday Night is the loneliest night of the week. ‘Cause thats the night that my sweetie and I used to dance cheek to cheek. I dont mind Sunday night at all. ‘Cause thats the night friends come to call and Monday to Fridays a gas and another, nother week goes past.”
RACHEL DRATCH, ANA GASTEYER, CHERI OTERI, AND MOLLY SHANNON ENTER and dance on either side of Christopher.
[singing] “Saturday Night is the loneliest night of the week ”
Oh, looks like Ive got company.
[singing] “I sing the song that I sang for the memories. I usually seek until I hear you knock at the door, until youre in my arms once more. Saturday nights the loneliest night of the week.”
[ Theres an instrumental break in the music. Christopher and the ladies dance in sync. ]
[singing] “Until I hear you at the door, until youre in my arms once more, Saturday nights the loneliest night of the week!”
Weve got a great show. Christina Aguileras here. Well be right back.
[singing]”Saturday nights the loneliest night of the week ”
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond Brett Lighthorse…..Christopher Walken Miss I-90 Interchange…..Ana Gasteyer Miss Clarksdale Mall…..Cheri Oteri Sally OMalley…..Molly Shannon
FADE IN:
EXT. GREENWOOD HILLS CIVIC AUDITORIUM EVENING
CLOSE ON SIGN THAT READS: MISS GREENWOOD HILLS BEAUTY PAGEANT TONIGHT 8PM
INT. AUDITORIUM STAGE
MISS CLARKSDALE MALL and MISS I-90 INTERCHANGE, along with three other CONTESTANTS, are in evening gowns and sashes; make a choreographed entrance to the music.
PAGEANT MUSIC
Announcer (V/O): Ladies and gentleman, were down to our final round. One of these lovely ladies will be the next Miss Greenwood Hills!
SFX: APPLAUSE
Announcer (V/O): Now, once again, your host for the evening, Brett Lighthorse.
SFX: APPLAUSE
BRETT LIGHTHORSE enters in a poor mans Bert Parks tuxedo.
MUSIC: CHEESY OLD-TIMEY BALLAD
Brett Lighthorse: [singing] Shes out there somewhere So pretty and new Shes some kind of lovely Hey maybe shes you Miss Greenwood Hills Where are you? Miss Greenwood Hills Im waiting for you!
SFX: APPLAUSE
Brett Lighthorse: Ladies, I didnt think it was possible but you look even more gorgeous than you did ten minutes ago.
[ The girls giggle. ]
Brett Lighthorse: What I wouldnt give to be 25 years-old again. But then again who needs to be young when youre the Brett Lighthorse? Am I right?
[ The girls giggle. ]
Brett Lighthorse: Okay, lets say hello to Miss Clarksdale Mall, Mimi Wallace.
SFX: APPLAUSE
Brett Lighthorse: Mimi, whats the first thing you would do if you became Miss Greenwood Hills?
[ Miss Clarksdale Mall steps forward and grabs the mic. ]
Miss Clarksdale Mall: Well, Brett, the first stop for me would be the burn unit at the Childrens Hospital. I would just love to see their little red faces light up when they see me.
Brett Lighthorse: Youre going to make quite a mother someday. Good luck tonight. How about you, Miss I-90 Interchange, what would you do?
Miss I-90 Interchange: The first thing I would do is pick up a new Chevy Prism were supposed to win, trade it in for cash, and then buy a ticket to Tampa and get my baby back from that miserable drummer.
Brett Lighthorse: Lofty goals from a lofty, lofty young lady.
Sally O’Malley (O/S): Excuse me.
SALLY OMALLEY enters carrying a purse.
Sally O’Malley: I heard there was a beauty pageant around here.
Brett Lighthorse: Can I help you?
Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentleman, my name is Sally OMalley and Im proud to say Im 50 years old. Im not one of those gals whos afraid to tell her real age like some other gals. And, I like to kick, stretch, and kick — Im fifty! 50 years-old, ladies and gentleman.
Brett Lighthorse: Judges? What do you think? Alright, well, this is by far the latest entry in this pageants history, but you got moxie. Why dont you walk yourself right over there?
[ Sally gets in line. ]
Brett Lighthorse: Now, lets move on to our classy gown competition.
Sally O’Malley: Mr. Lighthorse, I might not have a gown to go to town, but dont frown, Buster Brown, cause I like to scoot, scoot, scoot. And toot, toot, toot! If I had my steamboat with me Id say All Aboard!
Brett Lighthorse: Fair enough. Step back, sweetheart. Girls, lets see a little Pose, pose, twirl.
PAGEANT MUSIC
[ Miss Clarksdale, I-90, and Sally walk the runway. ]
Miss Clarksdale Mall: Pose pose twirl.
Miss I-90 Interchange: Pose pose twirl.
Sally O’Malley: Im fifty!
Brett Lighthorse: Very nice, ladies
[ Brett turns to Sally. ]
Brett Lighthorse: And also very disturbing. Get back in line.
[ Brett turns to the audience. ]
Brett Lighthorse: Alright, I can see our panel of judges has cast their final votes and I believe we have a decision? Tough as it may be.
[ A stagehand hands Brett an envelope. ]
SFX: DRUM ROLL
Brett Lighthorse: The first runner-up Miss Clarksdale Mall, Stacy Albright!
SFX: APPLAUSE
[ Clarksdale reacts and gets hugs. ]
Miss Clarksdale Mall: I cant believe I won!
Brett Lighthorse: You didnt.
[ She steps back disappointed. ]
SFX: DRUM ROLL
Brett Lighthorse: And the winner Miss Greenwood Hills 2000 is
Sally O’Malley: Hold on, Mr. Lighthorse, the winners right in front of you.
Brett Lighthorse: [singing] And plus shes got a mighty nice sweet can So over and over Ill be a fool for you Now over and over What more can I do?
Sally O’Malley: Im fifty!
PAGEANT MUSIC
SFX: APPLAUSE
CAMERA FLASH. The flash FREEZE FRAMES. A black & white news photo. Its the cover of The Greenwood Hills Gazette. Headline reads: FIFTY YEAR-OLD TO WEAR CROWN!
Census-Taker…..Tim Meadows Mr. Leonard…..Christopher Walken
[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We flyinto the impenetrable discharge of twosmokestacks.]
Announcer: And now, from the news capital ofthe world, it’s “Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.”
[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of NewYork from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / withCOLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve toStudio 8H and the WU set, panning left and thenzooming in on Colin Quinn seated at the WUdesk.]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks. I don’t knowwhat to say! Why, thank you. I– I’m touched. Hi, I’mColin Quinn and here are today’s top stories.
Today, the saga in Miami continues as Elian Gonzaleswoke up, had a nice breakfast, and went out to play.I’m sorry, folks, but as the members of the media,we’re required to say the words “Elian Gonzales” everyten minutes. …
By the way, for those of you who don’t know, “Elian”is a traditional Cuban name meaning “political pawn.”…
Nonetheless, after a meeting with Elian Gonzales’father, Juan Gonzales, yesterday, Attorney GeneralJanet Reno guaranteed that officials would arrange forMr. Gonzales to reclaim his son. Following themeeting, a relieved Juan Gonzales said through aninterpreter that he thinks the Attorney General is avery nice man or woman. …
And now some news from the future. The year 2015.Earlier today, 21-year-old Elian Gonzales, the Cubanboy who was the center of an international custodybattle in the year 2000, reportedly saw “MTV SpringBreak” for the first time, and then attacked hisfather while screaming, “Thanks a lot, comrades!”…
With the deadline fast approaching, only 53 percent ofAmericans have returned their census forms, well shortof the minimum goal of 61 percent. My question is: Howdo they know that? … Darv– [cheers and applause]Ah! Oh ho! Oooh. Whoooo.
Ah, Darva Conger and Rick Rockwell from “Who Wants toMarry a Multi-Millionaire?” appeared Wednesday at aLas Vegas family court hearing to annul theirmarriage. With their relationship finally over, youngromantics now have only one couple left to look up to.[Photo of seemingly incestuous celebrity coupleAngelina Jolie and her brother Jamie Haven]…
Thirty years after they split up – Thirty years afterthey split up, folks, the three surviving members ofthe Beatles have collaborated on an autobiographycalled “Beatles Anthology” which they say will dispelsome of the myths about their career. While there havebeen disagreements on the way they remember events,they do agree on one thing: Ringo types too slow….
A new talk show is airing on Court TV called “LiveFrom Cell Block F” which featured North CarolinaSheriff Gerald Hege interviewing his actual inmates.Viewers may remember this show by its original name,”The NFL Today.” … [some applause]
And singer Mariah Carey was hospitalized in Bostonthis week after suffering complications resulting fromfood poisoning. Hospital officials said that Mariahstarted doing much better as soon as they found ahospital gown that made her look like a whore. …[cheers and applause] Awwww.
This week the Energy Department said that gasolineprices could peak in April at a national average ashigh as a dollar fifty-two a gallon. Apparently,gasoline prices worldwide have gotten so out of handthat Ugandan cult members now have to set themselveson fire by standing under a magnifying glass….
Last week, spurred by Monday’s guilty verdict in theMicrosoft anti-trust case, the software giant’s stockfell over fifteen percent, dropping Bill Gates’ networth to a mere “more money than any of us can everdream about.” …
The Reverend Al Sharpton, Wednesday, announced acampaign of civil disobedience in New York City duringthe week before Easter to protest recent policeshootings. So, keep in mind, if you see kids jumpingsubway turnstiles on Good Friday, they’re actuallypolitical activists. …
The National Zoo in Washington, which lost one of itsbiggest attractions last year when its giant pandaHsing-Hsing died, is nearing an agreement with Chinathat would bring a pair of pandas to the zoo. Rightnow, zoo officials are hoping to secure a couple oflesbian pandas because they’re so much more fun towatch. …
This week TBS began its new programming format aimedat capturing the, quote, “regular guy” audience. A topTBS executive described “regular guys” as datelesslosers who would be home watching TBS on a Fridaynight. …
Four kindergartners in Sayerville, New Jersey weresuspended for three days this week for pretendingtheir fingers were guns while playing “cops androbbers.” Although, the two kids playing cops weresuspended with pay. … [applause]
A Texas man, Kenneth Payne, after being tried as ahabitual offender, received a 16-year prison sentencefor stealing a Snickers bar from a convenience store.”Not going anywhere for a while?” … [someapplause]
And for the third year in a row, ticket prices for theMets have risen over twenty percent making the cost ofa night at the park for a family of four a hundred andseventy-six dollars. Not to mention the hardship ofhaving to take the 7 train, sitting next to some queerwith AIDS, and some kid with purple hair, [crowdprotests Colin’s quoting Atlanta Braves pitcher JohnRocker’s remarks about New York City] and a20-year-old mom with four kids. … [applause but alsoa lot of booing] As we reported– [to the crowd] Yeah,no irony, right, folks? All right. …
Colin Quinn: As we reported earlier, FederalDistrict Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ruled Mondaythat software giant Microsoft in fact violatedanti-trust laws. What does this mean for the future ofthe company? What does this mean for consumers? Herenow, Senior Economics Fellow at the BrookingsInstitute in Washington, D.C., Jacob Silj. [cheers andapplause as we pan over to Jacob, a nerdy bespectacledguy in a suit and tie]
Jacob Silj: [loud, deep, monotone] THANK YOU,COLIN! … COLIN, AS YOU KNOW, JUDGE JACKSON RULEDTHAT MICROSOFT VIOLATED THE SHERMAN ANTI-TRUST ACT INNO FEWER THAN THREE INSTANCES!
Colin Quinn: Oh, my God!
Jacob Silj: “OH, MY GOD” IS RIGHT, COLIN! THISRULING IS VERY, VERY SIGNIFICANT!
Colin Quinn: No! I mean, could you please notSHOUT like that? …
Jacob Silj: LISTEN, COLIN, I HAVE A DISEASE!… I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION! … I’M UNABLETO CONTROL THE VOLUME OR INFLECTION OF MY VOICE! …THIS IS NOT “SHOUTING” — IT IS TALKING!
Colin Quinn: It’s just– Couldn’t you take adeep breath, lower your voice?
Jacob Silj: HOW DARE YOU?! I CANNOT DO THAT! IHAVE AN AFFLICTION THAT IS RECOGNIZED BY THE AMERICANMEDICAL ASSOCIATION AND ITS BRITISH COUNTERPART! EVERYYEAR, AS MANY AS SIX PEOPLE ARE STRICKEN BY THISHORRIBLE … HORRIBLE DISEASE! IT COULD STRIKE ANYONEAT ANY TIME — PROVIDED THEY WERE BORN AT LEAST TWOMONTHS LATE AND HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO GOLD DUST!…
Colin Quinn: [amused disbelief] Gold dust,Jacob?
Jacob Silj: OH, IT’S FUNNY TO YOU! IMAGINE, IFYOU WILL, COLIN, A LIFE IN WHICH YOU HOLD YOUR BABYDAUGHTER IN YOUR ARMS AND TRY TO EASE HER BACK TOSLEEP! [cradles an imaginary baby in his arms] HUSHHUSH! GO TO SLEEP! DADDY LOVES YOU! … OR IMAGINEYOU’RE AT CHURCH WHISPERING A SECRET AND SILENT PRAYERTO GOD! [clasps hands in prayer] “OH, PLEASE, DEARGOD! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! I HATE YOU, GOD!PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS TERRIBLE AFFLICTION! AND ALSOLET ME FIND A BAG OF MONEY!” THAT IS MY HELL, COLIN!… I WOULDN’T WISH IT ON ANYONE! MAYBE ON YOU, COLIN,BUT NO ONE ELSE! …
Colin Quinn: Hey! Hey, that’s mean!
Jacob Silj: I APOLOGIZE! THAT LAST PART WASACTUALLY MUTTERED UNDER MY BREATH! … BUT I CAN’TMUTTER UNDER MY BREATH, CAN I?! … YOU JERK! THAT WASUNDER MY BREATH ALSO! YOU ASS!
Colin Quinn: Just stop–
Jacob Silj: UNDER MY BREATH AGAIN!
Colin Quinn: Will you stop, Jacob?
Jacob Silj: I THINK I WILL, COLIN! I THINK IWILL!
Colin Quinn: Jacob Silj, everybody! [cheers andapplause] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’msticking to it. Elian Gonzalez!
[Music. More cheers and applause as Colin turns toJacob Silj. Fade.]
