Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Chris…..Christopher Walken Janine…..Ana Gasteyer Petite Wife…..Tina Fey
[ open on Chris and Janine lounging in front of an open fire in their living room ]
Chris: In a marriage.. intimacy.. is important. Erectile Dysfunction.. is a thief. It takes away something, that’s very precious. When I first experiences Erectile Dysfunction.. I was afraid, and confused. Then, I heard about Viagra. It worked. It worked a lot. Now.. things are the way they used to be.. for Janine and me. We’re doin’ it like bunnies.
[ cut to close-up of Janine, as she smiles with wan regret ]
Chris: Thanks, Viagra.
[ cut to chubby couple in a spinning embrace ]
Chubby Woman: [ as she spins past the camera, and scowls ] Thanks a lot.
[ cut to attractive black woman adjusting flowers in a vase, as her chubby husband moves in from behind and gives her a tight squeeze ]
Black Woman: [ to the camera ] Thank you very much.
[ cut to old couple dancing ]
Old Woman: [ unable to get away, faces the camera ] Yeah. Thanks.
[ cut to younger couple, man with his arm wrapped around his petite wife ]
: [ disgruntled ] Yeah. Thanks for this.
[ cut to attractive young woman lying in bed wearing a silky negligee, as her much older husband crawls across the sheets and grips her shoulder ]
Attractive Woman: Gee. Thanks, Viagra.
[ she turns the lights off ]
[ fade to black, then fade up on overhead shot of couple dancing on a checkerboard floor ]
[ dissolve to close-up of Janine’s hands pouring Viagra pills down the toilet ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 25: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 15th, 2000 Tobey Maguire Sisqo None Lorne Michaels Adam McKay Clarence “Gatemouth” Brown Steve Buscemi The Studio 8-H RulesSummary: Tobey Maguire recites the studio’s rules to the cast members. Transcript
Montage
Tobey Maguire’s MonologueSummary: Tobey Maguire has to endure the antics of audience member, Keith (Adam McKay), who mistakes him for the movie “Jerry Maguire”. Recurring Characters: Keith. Transcript
Celebrity Jeopardy!Summary: Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) vs. Hilary Swank (Jimmy Fallon) and Keanu Reeves (Tobey Maguire). Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Keanu Reeves, Ricky Martin, Chad Lowe. Transcript
Burger CastleSummary: Nadeen (Cheri Oteri) quiets down customers at Burger Castle by telling them to “Simmer down now!” Recurring Characters: Nadeen. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel has some “Fun With Real Audio”.
Inside The Actor’s StudioSummary: James Lipton (Will Ferrell) is enamored by former “Saved by the Bell” second banana, Dustin Diamond (Tobey Maguire). Recurring Characters: James Lipton, Dustin Diamond. Transcript
Tobey Maguire: Thanks to Sisqo — [ acknowledges Clarence “Gatemouth” Henry to his left ] Clarence — [ audience erupts into thunderous applause ] Clarence “Gatemouth” Brown, right here! Thank you very much to the cast, and everybody at “Saturday Night Live” – I had a great time!
Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond Keanu Reeves…..Tobey Maguire Hilary Swank…..Jimmy Fallon Ricky Martin…..Chris Kattan Chad Lowe…..Chris Parnell
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but Regis Philbin, that mongrel idiot, decided to do a Celebrity Millionaire, and network competition being what it is, I stand before you, a broken and miserable man. Let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new Jeopardy record for futility with..
Sean Connery: Suck on it Trebek. Suck it long, and suck it hard.
Alex Trebek: That’s beautiful. You kiss your mother with that mouth.
Sean Connery: No, but I did something to your mother with this mouth! [ points to mouth ]
Alex Trebek: Why? Keanu Reeves has an impressive -$32,000. Keanu Reeves: I know Kung Fu.
Alex Trebek: For the last time, no you don’t. And finally, Hilary Swank in a commanding lead with zero.
Hilary Swank: Did I win? Because there’s some people I need to thank.
Alex Trebek: Let’s just take a look at the board. And the categories are: “Potent Potables”; “Foreign Flicks”; “Things Trebek Sucks”-wait! [ Connery is laughing. ] All right. [ Trebek walks over and takes down the hand-written “Things Trebek Sucks” sign. ] Let’s continue…”Potpourri”; “Hot or Cold”; “What Ears Do”; “Is This A Hat”-that’s where I name and object, and you tell whether or not it’s ahat. And finally, “Colors That End In Urple”. Hilary Swank, you’re in the lead, so we’ll start with you.
Hilary Swank: I’m a girl you know.
Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Let’s just go with Foreign Flicks for $800. [ Connery buzzes in. ]
Sean Connery: Ursula Andress.
Alex Trebek: What?
Sean Connery: Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo, twice.
Alex Trebek: That’s Foreign Flicks, Mr. Connery. Foreign Flicks. Mr. Reeves, why don’t you pick?
Keanu Reeves: I shall take Balloons for $800, if you please.
Alex Trebek: That’s not a category.
Keanu Reeves: My mistake. I shall choose Balloons for $600.
Alex Trebek: I tell you what, let’s do Colors That End in Urple. For $800. This color ends in “urple”. [ Swank buzzes in. ] Hilary Swank.
Hilary Swank: What is light urple?
Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Wow. [ Reeves buzzes in. ] Keanu Reeves.
Keanu Reeves: I will venture a guess. Who is Jaleel White?
Alex Trebek: What?
Keanu Reeves: Is that not the gentlemen who played Urple, the humorous fellow with the glasses who loves cheese?
Alex Trebek: That’s Urkel! [ Connery buzzes in. ] Oh good, Mr. Connery wants to say something.
Sean Connery: I thought of some more foreign ladies I snogged.
Alex Trebek: Let’s just go to Hot or Cold for $400. And it’s a Video Daily Double. Here goes nothing. Please take a look at your video monitors.
[ screen shows Ricky Martin and two dancers. They start dancing. ]
Ricky Martin: It’s me! Come on, Ricky Martin! Come on! [ music starts ]. Oh my! In this cup there’s some hot tea! It’s hot hot hot! Watch! [ takes a sip ] Yow! Hot hot hot! So the answer is: Hot hot hot! or cold. Hot hot hot! or cold. Come on! Hot hot hot!
[ video fades ]. [ no one buzzes in. ]
Alex Trebek: None of you knows. No one can figure out if the hot tea is hot or cold. [ Reeves buzzes in. ] Thank God! Keanu Reeves.
Keanu Reeves: Is it iced tea?
Alex Trebek: [ agitated ] No! It’s hot tea!
Keanu Reeves: Well, then I have no idea.
Alex Trebek: Let’s just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is…oh come on, why would they do this? The category is Famous Mothers.
Sean Connery: [ laughs ] My day has come! [ keeps laughing ]
Alex Trebek: [ rips card ] I’m not going to give you the satisfaction. [ Connery stops laughing. ] The new category is Anything. Write anything. [ music starts ] Just write. Use your arm, hand, and special pen, and move the pen around. Scribble if you want to, just make some kind of mark. [ music stops ] OK, let’s get this over with. Sean Connery, you wrote down: Below. I don’t know why you wrote that, but technically that’s a correct answer. You did write something. Let’s see what you wagered: Me. Below Me. [ Connery laughs ] Below Me…I don’t get it.
Sean Connery: Oh, I’ll bet you do, you Canadian ponch. [ slaps Trebek on the head. ]
Alex Trebek: Proud day for you and your family. Keanu Reeves, you look rather pleased. Let’s see what you wrote down: [ a blank screen is revealed ] Nothing. The question was write anything, and you got it wrong. I’m speechless. Let’s see what you wagered: Eleventy billion dollars. That’s not even a real number.
Keanu Reeves: Yet.
Alex Trebek: That’s simply amazing. And finally, Hilary Swank.
Hilary Swank: Thanks Alex. I’m so honored to have been here today, there’s so many people I have to thank. [ camera shows a sobbing Chad Lowe in the audience. ] I couldn’t have done it without Alex Trebek, the incredible cast and crew of Jeopardy, my publicist who is a beautiful human being…that’s it.
Alex Trebek: Touching. That’s all for Jeopardy; Regis, you can have them. Good night. [ Connery pushes Trebek as he walks by. ]
Tobey Maguire: It’s great to be here! It’s great to be here in New York! I was so excited that they ask me to host the show, because it gives me a chnce to do a lot of different characters-
Keith: [ interrupting from the center of the audience ] Hey, Tobey, man! “Show me the money!”
[ audience erupts into applause ]
Tobey Maguire: Alright. Alright! As I was saying.. in a movie, you play one character, and you’re-
Keith: [ interrupting again ] “Show me the money”, Tobes!
Tobey Maguire: Why do you keep saying that?
Keith: Come on, man, because you were in that movie, uh.. “Tobey Maguire”? And you kept yellin’ “Show me the money!” It was awesome!
Tobey Maguire: Uh.. the movie was called “Jerry Maguire”.. and I wasn’t in it.
Keith: Oh, yeah you were, man! you were in that, and Tom Cruise was your agent.. and you would yell “Show me the money!” That was awesome!
Tobey Maguire: Well, that was Cuba gooding, Jr. That wasn’t me.
Keith: [ the information hitting him hard ] Really?
Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Really.
Keith: [ to the audience ] Sorry, everyone! My bad!
Tobey Maguire: [ getting back to his point ] Now, uh.. what was I saying? Uh.. I was talking getting the opportunity to play all different types of characters.. so, I can-
Keith: [ interrupting yet again ] Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, Ace! Hey! Fine.. you weren’t in “Jerry Maguire”, but what movies were you in, huh?
Tobey Maguire: [ clears throat ] I was in, uh.. “The Cider house Rules”.
Keith: [ happily recognizes the title ] Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Cider House rules, man! That is the best frat around! Cider house rules!!
Tobey Maguire: [ shaking head ] Nope. It’s not.. it’s not that kind of rules. It’s “The Cider House Rules“.. like.. laws, things you have to obey. Rules, you know?
Keith: [ confused ] It’ wasn’t like a Spring Break film?
Tobey Maguire: No. It’s not.
Keith: Fine! Then what else were you in? ‘Cause I didn’t see that one.
Tobey Maguire: Uh.. I was in.. “The Ice Storm”.
Keith: Now you’ve got me, Brohan! You’ve got me! That’s a great movie, man! Helen Hunt, that cow flying in the air..!
Tobey Maguire: Wrong film.
Keith: Yeah? Okay, what else?
Tobey Maguire: Most recently, I was in “Wonder Boys”.
Keith: Yeah! Tasty! That’s with that, uh.. that’s with that dude that knocked up Catherine Zeta-Jones? What’s his name, uh..?
Tobey Maguire: Michael Douglas?
Keith: Yeahhhh!! Michael Douglas! Whoo!! [ sheepishly ] I didn’t see that one.
Tobey Maguire: [ aggravated ] Great. Good
Keith: You know, I saw the movie where the dude humped the pie! Are you him?
Tobey Maguire: Nope. Not me.
Keith: Alright, uh.. I just bought “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace” on videotape. Are you in that?
Tobey Maguire: You know what? If it’ll make you quiet – yeah. Sure.
Keith: That’s cool, you were in that! What’d you play?
Tobey Maguire: Uh.. uh.. oh! I was Jar Jar Binks!
Keith: [ disappointed ] You were Jar Jar Binks? you know what? You sucked! You ruined that whole movie!
Tobey Maguire: You know.. I had a point, but forget it.
Keith: Jar Jar Binks sucks, man!
Tobey Maguire: You know, we have a great show..
Keith: No, we don’t! It’s Jar Jar Binks! Turn the channel!
Tobey Maguire: Sisqo is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!
Darrell Hammond: What’s it like being in movies, Tobey?
Tobey Maguire: Oh, it’s fun, Darrell. You meet a lot of nice people, and you get to stay in a trailer..
Darrell Hammond: Ohhhh.. someday I’m gonna be in a movie!
Tobey Maguire: Well, I’m sure you will.
Chris Parnell: Tobey? Do you think Lorne will make a movie out of my Tom Brokaw impression?
Tobey Maguire: Uh.. maybe. [ Darrell and Chris get excited ] Go to sleep, guys, it’s late.
Chris Kattan: [ sitting inside a plastic bubble, wheezing ] Tobey?
Tobey Maguire: Yeah, Chris, what do you need?
Chris Kattan: Tobey, will you read to me?
Tobey: Yeah, sure. What do you want me to read?
Chris Kattan: US Weekly.. will you see if Im in there..?
Tobey Maguire: Okay.. uh.. “Lauren Holly and her beau, Con Air screenwriter Scott Rosenburg, flew to Vegas last week for the Show West awards..”
Tracy Morgan: Yo, yo yo Tobey.. Wait a minute. You can read?
Tobey Maguire: Yeah, of course.
Tracy Morgan: Well, come over here for a minute.
Tobey Maguire: Okay.
Tracy Morgan: Would you do us a solid, and read this for us? [ points to sign ]
Tobey Maguire: Oh.. these are the studio rules.
Cheri Oteri: Yeah, yeah.. what do they say?
Tobey Maguire: Uh, well, it says.. Studio 8H Rules. Number One: No smoking in the studio. [ Cheri takes the cigarette out of her mouth ] Number Two: No sketches longer than three minutes.
Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] Okay, thats good..
Tobey Maguire: Number Three: Stay out of Joe Piscopo’s dressing room. He is a giant star, and must be treated as such.
Cheri Oteri: Okay, thats an old one. I dont think that applies any more.
Tobey Maguire: Number Four: All sketches must have a big funny ending.
Cheri Oteri: Now you see, thats harder than it sounds..
Tracy Morgan: Man, these rules were made by people who dont know anything about us.
Cheri Oteri: Right?
Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Lifes like that sometimes.
Lorne Michaels: Alright, lights out, everyone. Say your prayers. Jimmy Fallon has left us, hes gone to “Ally McBeal” to play the new hotshot attorney. Be happy for Jimmy.
Everyone: Good night, Jimmy..
Lorne Michaels: Good night, you princes of NBC, you kings of late night.
Everyone: Good night, Lorne.
[ Lorne exits ]
Tobey Maguire: Well, good night, you guys.
Everyone: Good night, Tobey!
[ Tobey exits ]
Chris Kattan: Why does Lorne say that to us every night?
Tim Meadows: To manipulate us into signing long contracts for lower amounts of money.
Chris Kattan: Oh.. (wheezing) when are the Emmys?
Nadeen…..Cheri Oteri
Curtis……..Tobey Maguire
Male Customer #1….Jimmy Fallon
Male Customer #2….Horatio Sanz
Male Customer #3….Tim Meadows
Female Customer #1….Rachel Dratch
Female Customer #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Nadeen: Welcome to Burger Castle. How can I help ya today?
Male Customer #1: I’ll have a bacon cheddar royal, and please please don’t forget the ketchup.
Nadeen: Just simmah down now.
Male Customer #1: Excuse me?
Nadeen: Simmah down now. And your Cat soup is on yonder condiment counter over there.
Male Customer #1: Cat soup? Where are you from?
Nadeen: Well, I’m gonna be from the state of Hell if you don’t simmah down now. Now simmah down!
Male Customer #1: I don’t know what that means, I’m just gonna ask you to super size it.
Nadeen: Sir, you are not at MACDonalds and if you were I would tell you to MC-Simmah Down now!
Male Customer #1: You just lost a sale. Or I’m gonna take my $1.49 over to Wendy’s!
Nadeen: Fine, you tell David Thomas he better simmah down now too! Woo, I’ll tell ya. Who next?
Male Customer #2: That’s me.
Nadeen: Oh.
Male Customer #2: I’ll have a, large cheese-Laroy, and some Jester fries and a diet coke.
Nadeen: Alright slow it down now, slow it down.
Male Customer #2: Hot moat apple pie, and a Prince Sundae.
Nadeen: Alright, slow it down now, simmah down now, ya like Orson Welles now.
Male Customer #2: Hey! What the hell? I don’t need this.
Nadeen: You’re gonna need a triple bypass now. Now simmah down.
Male Customer #2: Alright what the hell?
Nadeen: (Imitates a car that won’t start) Simmmmmm (shakes head)…simmmmmmm (shakes head) Simmmmmmah down now! Simmah down now! Simmah down!
Male Customer #2: What is wrong with you?
Nadeen: You better simmah down and get before I take a switch to you now simmah and get! Man! Who dat next?
(A male/female couple approach)
Male Customer #3: Hi, we’re really in a hurry, ok? So we’d like, uh 2 Sir Fish A-lots…
Nadeen: Ohh…2 Simmahs…
Female Customer #1: Yeah, 2 orders of Jester fries…
Nadeen: 2 orders of Down…
Male Customer #3: And 2 vanilla shakes…
Nadeen: And 2 large nows…making your total…Oh, look at this…Simmah down now! Simmah down!
Male Customer #3: What?! We won’t simmer down now.
Nadeen: Pipe down now?
Male Customer #3: No, we won’t pipe down now either. But we will see your manager.
Nadeen: Alright, Curtis, need ya up front now, ya hear? Curtis, up front, ya hear? Come on.
Curtis: Welcome to Burger Castle, is there a problem here?
Female Customer #1: Yeah, uh, this woman is being very rude.
Nadeen: Nadeen!
Male Customer #3: Yeah, ok, Nadeen here is giving us a hard time.
Nadeen: He like, he come in and he go, “Oh, we are in a hurry.” Like that.
Curtis: Hmm, well I, I think I understand your predicament sir, and on behalf of Burger Castle Corporation, I’d like to invite you, and your lady friend to simmah down now!
Male Customer #3: What?!
Curtis: Hmm, perhap I can put it to you more clearly: First and 10 “simmah” take the snap drop back find “down” in the end zone for a touchdown. “Now” I come on and kick the extra point. Simmah to down followed by now, and it’s Simmah down now!
Male Customer #3: That’s ridiculous! That’s it, come on honey, let’s go get us some Whoppers!
Nadeen: Yeah have it your way at the Burger King! They in a hurry!(woman approaches)
Female Customer #2: Hi, um, I just bought a Kiddy Castle Meal for my son and there isn’t a prize in it.
Nadeen: Oh, so you would like an “extra” Road to El Dorado figurine?
Female Customer #2: No, I don’t want an extra figurine; I want the one that wasn’t in the Kiddy Castle Meal I bought.
Nadeen: Ma’am, it’s called a “Castle Meal”, not a “Hassle Meal”, ya best simmah!
Female Customer #2: Simmah? How bout I simmah to your manager?
Nadeen: Fine, Curtis? Up here again ya hear? Up again hear? Come on!
Curtis: Yeah?
Nadeen: Curtis…
Curtis: How can I help ya Ma’am?
Female Customer #2: Uh, you can start by firing her.
Curtis: Ma’am, (holds up Donna Summer record) who is this Queen of Disco?
Female Customer #2: Donna Summer?
Nadeen: Now how do her name appear in the phone book?
Female Customer #2: Summer Donna?
Nadeen: Stretch it out now, stretch it out!
Female Customer #2: Summer, summer don-na..
Curtis: Loud and clear now.
Female Customer #2: Summer don-na.
Nadeen: Keep going.
Female Customer #2: Summer don-na!
Curtis: Summer Donna that’s right simmah down now! That’s it! Now get! Get before I take a whippin to you! Come on now simmah down now!
(Screaming until the lady and her son leave the place)
James Lipton…..Will Ferrell Dustin Diamond…..Tobey Maguire
James Lipton: In going through the list of great characters… few come to mind. Blanche Dubois, from “Streetcar Named Desire”.. Willy Loman, from “Death of a Salesman”.. and, of course.. Screech, from “Saved By The Bell”. That actor is with us today. Please join me in welcoming.. Mr. Dustin Diamond.
[ Dustin Diamond enters the set, grimacing like a buffoon ]
James Lipton: The character.. the character of Screech. Where did he come from?
Dustin Diamond: A place inside me! There’s a Screech inside all of us, but.. mostly, it’s a funny voice!
James Lipton: In 1992.. a made-for-television film came out that changed the face of American cinema. That film, of course, is “Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style”. If you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and see the greatest film EVER! In the history.. of the world. In that piece.. you were kidnapped by the Pupuku clan. How did you prepare for that?
Dustin Diamond: Well, I’d like to say that I studied a lot for that part – you know, reading stuff on Hawaii – but.. we just had fun. I do this thing in my head, I.. pretend to put on a funny hat.. and then I just get crazy!! [ laughs like a moron ]
James Lipton: In that picture.. Kelly’s grandfather invites the entire gang to Hawaii for summer holiday.
Dustin Diamond: Yes! The thing about that-
James Lipton: [ interrupting ] They expect a marvelous time at the beach, sans Mr. Belding. They arrive.. and discover Mr. Bedling is there as well, don’t they?
Dustin Diamond: Yes! Yes, he is! [ cracking up ] They didn’t think he was gonna be there, but he is! That’s the ,b>twist part! [ laughs ]
James Lipton: You.. are a delight! [ breaks into a boisterous guffaw ]
Dustin Diamond: Thank you! [ with nothing else to do, joins Liptin in his boistorous guffaw ]
James Lipton: [ finally ] In 1993, Dustin leaves the “DSaved By The Bell” series, to stretch his acting chops, if you will.. and, in 1994, he found a role that suited him. That of an administrative assistant to a high school principal.. in “Saved By The Bell: The New Class”. If you want to see an actor practice his craft at the highest level.. you need look no further than “Saved By The Bell: The New Class” – it’s marvelous!
Dustin Diamond: When I thought.. that I was fone with the role of Screech, I swore I would never do it again – then.. I read the script. I wept openly on the flight to Philadelphia! You don’t come across writing like that every day!
James Lipton: Indeed, you don’t. Of course, we will conclude our.. evening.. with a questionnaire.. invented by the great Bernard Pivot.
Dustin Diamond: Oh, boy! Ha ha ha!
James Lipton: What is your favorite word?
Dustin Diamond: Oh, uh.. [ thinking ] Pancake!
James Lipton: What turns you off?
Dustin Diamond: When.. someone throws garbage or feces at you?
James Lipton: What sound, or noise, do you love?
Dustin Diamond: To be honest.. applause.
[ the audience erupts into forced applause, much to Dustin’s bemused delight ]
James Lipton: I think we all like that. What is your favorite curse word?
Travis…..Tobey Maguire Star Student…..Will Ferrell Female Student #1…..Molly Shannon Male Student #1…..Chris Parnell Male Student #2…..Chris Kattan Male Student #3…..Tim Meadows Female Student #2…..Rachel Dratch
[ open on exterior, Glendale Fitness Center ]
[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Travis enters ]
Travis: Good evening, everybody. I’m Travis. and I’ll be leading today’s class. We’re going to start in a comfortable position. Remember: concentrate on our breathing. Breath deep. Now.. exhale, while reaching your hands toward the sky, palms touching.. letting go all the tension you’re holding, releasing it from your body. Good.. good.. Now.. legs out in front of you, as we go into the Forward Plow Pose. Hands reached for the feet.. try to touch your elbows to the ground. [ the class deepen their breaths as they stretch ] Ah.. that’s it! Reach! Feel the spine elongate, your breath deepens, the mind is qui-et!
Star Student: Never been this close..! Almost..!
Travis: Now.. slowly.. roll yourself.. back up.. feel.. each vertical lift..
[ full shot of room reveals a student with his legs stretched, his head tucked neatly in his pants as he administers the act of self-fellacio. His moans are audible, and cause the other students to turn to him for an explanation. ]
[ reactions from the other students in the class reveal their fright and disgust ]
Female Student #1: Oh! Oh, my God! Gross!! What is that guy doing?! Gro-o-o-o-o-osss!!
Male Student #1: [ suddenly impressed ] Look at him – he’s limber!
Star Student: Ohhhh, yeahh!!
Male Student #2: I didn’t think that was possible..
Male Student #3: You know, I read in Maxim that it wasn’t.
Travis: Excuse me, sir?
Star Student: [ underneath his pants ] Ohhhhhhh… ahhhhhhh..!
Travis: Sir? Could you please stop doing that..?
Star Student: [ stops moaning, but doesn’t remove his head from his pants ] Are you talking to me?
Travis: Yes, sir. Yes.
Star Student: Ah. [ pulls his head up from out of his pants ] Look.. I’ve done yoga every day for three yrars now.. and I’ve finally reached my goal. So, uh.. I’m gonna enjoy this. You just go on.
Travis: Sir! I admit your.. “flexibility” is impressive, but you’re distracting the class. Could you please go somewhere else and do that?
Star Student: I would.. but I’m scared if I get up I won’t be able to get back down in this position.. so, uh.. just keep going, I’ll catch up with the class later.
Travis: [ sighs ] Well.. fine. Put him out of your mind.
Star Student: Ohhhhhh.. whooooooo… damn!
Travis: Well.. just ignore him. Let’s move on to a new pose – the Downward Facing Dog. Tailbones toward the sky – stretch your hamstrings..
Star Student: Ohh..! I’ve waited three long years for this, my friend! Whoo!
[ the students begin to look at the other student with more interest than the activities of the classroom ]
Travis: Come on.. we’re moving on to Downward Facing Dog! Let’s go! Get in position!
Male Student #3: Forget the Down Dog – I want to know how to do this!
Star Student: This is for me!
Male Student #1: Yeah, yeah.. what’s that pose called again?
Star Student: Forward Plow!
Male Student #2: Yeah, teach us that!
Star Student: Oh, yeahhh, baby.. nobody else..! Ow!!
Travis: [ annoyed ] You know, if that’s why you want to learn yoga, then you’re doing it for the wrong reason!
Male Student #3: Okay, then, we’re doing it for the wrong reason.
Male Student #1: Yeah, we’re bad people. Now, just show us the pose, Yogi!
Travis: [ between clenched teeth ] The point of yoga.. is to calm the mind.. and find your.. nirvana.
Star Student: I found my nirvana!
Travis: [ now fully aggravated ] Okay! You can forget it! I’m not going to teach you that!
Male Student #2: What a gyp!
Male Student #3: Yeah.. he can’t teach us, ’cause he can’t do it!
Travis: [ weakly ] Oh, I-I-I could.. but I don’t want to do that to myself.. I’m not gay..
Star Student: [ taking offense, lifts his head out of his pants ] Hey! You masturbate with your own hand, don’t you? Does that make you gay? No! [ returns to his pants ]
Male Student #3: That’s good logic.
Male Student #1: He’s got a point.
Male Student #2: I have to agree with him.
Star Student: Mmmm..! Yeahhhhh! This is all for me! Whooooo!!
Male Student #3: [ to Travis ] You know.. you-you’re just jealous ’cause you can’t do it.
Travis: [ offended ] Oh, I-I-I could do that if I-I wanted to..
Male Student #1: Prove it!
Male Student #3: Prove it!
Male Student #2: Yeah , prove it! Come on!
Female Student #1: Show ’em, Travis.. come on.
[ Travis stretches his legs and attempts to lean toward his crotch, but can’t seem to make the distance ]
Male Student #3: He can’t do it!
Travis: Oh, I-I-I could do it.. I just have to be drunk.
Male Student #3: [ laughs ] Yeah, sure!
Travis: No. you know what? I don’t need this! Class is cancelled! I’m leaving! [ exits room ]
Female Student #1: I’m leaving, too. This is so ridiculous.. [ exits room ]
[ the other students crowd around the Star Student ]
Male Student #1: So, uh.. every day for three years, huh? Th-that’s all it takes..?
Star Student: Uh-huh.. whoo..!
Male Student #3: Hey, uh.. buddy, do you think you could teach us?
Male Student #1: Yeah, yeah! That would be great!
Female Student #2: C-could you teach a girl to do that?
Star Student: Maybe. Look.. I’ve waited three years for this, so, uh.. if you guys could just.. leave me alone, give me some time, I.. promise I will.. teach the class tomorrow.
[ the other students chant “Cool! Excellent!” as they exit the classroom ]
Travis: He’ll get bored of it, eventually..
[ dissolve to exterior, Glendale Fitness Center, SUPER: “Three years later” ]
[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Japanese fitness members enter the room to find the Star Student still sucking away at himself ]
[ Star Student lifts his head out of his pants, revealing a long white beard and scraggly hair – he has aged quite a bit ]
Star Student: Could you just give me a couple more minutes? Thanks. [ returns underneath his pants ] Oh-ho-ho! Where were we..?
Air Date:
