Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Witches Brew

Witch 1….Ana Gasteyer
Witch 2….Cameron Diaz
Witch 3….Molly Shannon
Witch 4….Cheri Oteri
Voice 1…..Will Ferrell
Voice 2…..Chris Kattan
Voice 3…..Tracy Morgan
…..Jonathan Richman
…..Tommy Larkins

(Opens with a shot of foggy mountains, cut to 3witches dressed in black, stirring a big, black,boiling pot with wooden sticks. The 3 witches chant intheir witchy voices)

All: “Double!, double! Toil andtrouble! fire burn and cauldron bubble!”(Evil laughs)

Witch 1: Eye of newt shall seal thy fate!(drops somein the pot)

Witch 2: And wing of bat turns love to hate!(Dropssome too, in the pot)

Witch 3: More!, more! My sisters put some more tostrengthen this dread elixir!

Witch 2: Yes, yes my sisters. Stir round, stir round

(The 3 keep stirring)

Witch 1: Yes, yes boy!(normal voice, no witchyvoice)This is starting to get pretty rank!

Witch 3: (normal voice, no witchy voice)Oh God! Itstinks! Ugh! What did you put in there!

Witch 1: I don’t know, man but it’s really nasty! It’sstarting to get a skin on it!

Witch 2: (normal voice)What is that smell like?!

Witch 3: It smells like a….(smells)like a men’s roomat a truck stop!

Witch 1: Uh-huh, its worse than that! Its like analley behind an Indian restaurant.

Witch 2: No, that’s not it. It smells like somebodypeeing on a pile of burning hair!

Witch 3: Its terrible! The pot is ruined now!

(They all cover their noses)

Witch 1: Man alive!! What is that smell?!

Witch 2: God!, it smells like a cafeteria steam trayfull of ass!!

Witch 3: No, it’s more like someone dropped a rancidpork chop into a port-o-toilet.

Witch 1: Ugh! I got it. It smells like a bunch oflongshoremen having sex in a butcher shop.

Witch 2: This is just plain stinky!

Witch 3: My eyes are starting to water!

Witch 2: What is that?!(coughs)

Witch 3: It smells like they’re cremating people nextto like a hot dog factory!

Witch 1: Oh! This reeks!

Witch 2: It smells like tuna fish….tuna fish watereddown, served through Andre the giant’s ass!!

Witch 1: Oh, my God!

Witch 3: No. It’s more like…

Witch 1: Its like a porno theater or something. Aporno theater after the air conditioning broke.

Witch 3: Oh, oh man!

(Voice from down the valley, off camera)

Voice 1: Hey! What the holy hell are you witchesburning up there?!!

Witch 3: Sorry! Got a little out of control.

Voice 1: I’ll say it got a little out of control! Goodnight nurse! It smells like a jock strap full ofcottage cheese!!

Witch 2: Hey!, once again, you know, sorry!!

Witch 3: Sorry!

Witch 1: We should really do something about this.

Witch 3: Yeah.

(Another witch arrives, witchy voice)

Witch 4: Hello my sisters! Sorry I’m latebut…(normal voice)Sweet mother of pearl!! What thehell happened up here!!

Witch 3: Everything is under control.

Witch 4: My aunt Fanny’s ass is under control! Itsmells like a sumo wrestler took a dump on a burningtire!!

Witch 2: Listen, we just don’t know what to do!

Witch 4: Well, you better do something! It smells likea trucker’s roid cushion!

Witch 1: I think I have something that might cover upthe smell.

Witch 4: Forget that! I’m outta here! Damn!!

(Witch 1 produces a bottle and drops a green liquidfrom the bottle into the pot. Green steam rises up)

Witch 1: This should do it. I think it will be fine.

(The 3 witches make disgusted faces)

All: Aaaaaawwwww!!!!!

Witch 1: It made it worse!!

Witch 2: Oh, my God! Look! It’s spreading down intothe valley.

(Voices from down the valley, off camera)

Voice 2: Oh! That is terrible!

Voice 1: What is that?!! It stinks!!

Voice 2: It smells like zombie poo!

Voice 3: That is nasty! It smells like sasquatch’snuts!!

Voice 1: Oh, man! That is rough!

Witch 2: Sorry! Look, it got out of hand!

Voice 2: Got out of hand? It smells like a diaper fullof shrimp!

Witch 1: We should get out of here, really. Yeah, weshould just get out of here.

Witch 3: Yeah.

Witch 2: Hey! Sorry everyone! It was our bad!

Witch 3: Sorry!

Witch 2: Sorry!

Witch 3: Sorry!

(Witches leave. Camera pans across and there’s the twosinging dudes from There Something About Mary. Oneplays a little tambourine and the other plays theguitar and sings)

Jonathan Richman: That fragrance came wafting from thehill and from the moor, how shall we describe thatodor so pure, how shall we describe that odor sosweet, how about rotten pumpkins and Keith Richardsfeet.(laughs)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

TV Funhouse

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[Pompous broadcast news music accompanies the FUN WITHREAL AUDIO PRESENTS title card featuring the usualanimated, grinning reel-to-reel tape machine. Cut to asecond title card: PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS OUTTAKES. Apair of hands holding a filmmaker’s clapboard isvisible on the right. Cut to President Bill Clinton,seated at his desk in the Oval Office, addressing thecamera, attempting to deliver his August 17, 1998″Address to the Nation on Testimony Before theIndependent Counsel’s Grand Jury.”]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel and the grand jury. Ianswered– I–

[Clinton pauses, looks down, gestures to someone underthe desk. After a moment, a busty blonde woman emergesfrom beneath the desk and exits. The pair of handswith the clapboard appears from the right and signalsa second take.]

Bill Clinton: [continues] … before theIndependent Counsel and the grand jury. [IndependentCounsel Kenneth Starr skulks into view behind Clinton,holds up a blue dress stained with presidential semento the camera, then exits.] I answered their questionstruthfully … [Starr returns, holds up stained reddress, then a pair of stained high-heeled shoes.] …including questions about my private life. [Starrexits quickly as Clinton turns to look at him.]Questions no American citizen would–

[Starr returns and holds up a purple dress that isdrenched and dripping with presidential bodily fluids.Clinton jumps up and attacks Starr – they bitch-slapone another. Clapboard signals a third take. Cut toClinton, alone again, seated at his desk, addressingthe camera.]

Bill Clinton: Good evening. This afternoon, Itestified before the Independent Counsel and the grandjur–

[Camera pulls back slowly to reveal semen stains onthe front of the desk. An aide rushes into view andwaves for Clinton to stop. Clinton, palms up, shrugsin confusion. Clapboard signals a fourth take. Cut toa tighter shot of Clinton, seated at his desk,addressing the camera.]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel and the gr–

[Framed, semen-stained painting of George Washingtonfalls from above and lands on the desk next toClinton. Clapboard signals a fifth take.]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel … [Semen drips fromthe ceiling onto the president’s head] … and thegrand jury– the grand–

[Distracted, Clinton pauses and rubs his semen-stainedhair with his hand. Clapboard signals a sixth take.Cut to Clinton, seated at his desk, addressing thecamera. His hair, caked with semen, sticks straight up– just like the title character in the Cameron Diazfilm “There’s Something About Mary.”]

Bill Clinton: Good evening. This afternoon, Itestified before the Independent Counsel and–

[An aide rushes into view and waves for Clinton tostop. Clinton, palms up, shrugs in confusion.]

Bill Clinton: I did not do anythingimproper.

[As more semen rains down from above, the aide signalsfor help. A man with a towel enters to mop up andnearly slips on the semen-stained floor. Take seven.Cut to Clinton, seated in the White House Map Room,addressing the camera.]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, in this room,from this chair, I testified before the IndependentCounsel and the grand jury. [The ghost of formerPresident Richard Nixon magically appears next toClinton.] I answered their quest–

[Nixon’s ghost grabs Clinton’s speech from him,crumples it up, tosses it over his shoulder. He thentakes out some blank paper and a pen, handing these toClinton. Nixon then begins to pace the room whiledictating a speech to Clinton who dutifully writes itdown.]

Richard Nixon: [from Nixon’s infamous 1974resignation speech] I must put the interests ofAmerica first. Therefore, I shall resign thepresidency effective at noon tomorrow.

[Clinton looks up, eyes and mouth wide open — hedoesn’t like the sound of that.]

Richard Nixon: [segues into Nixon’s infamous”I’m not a crook” speech] I’m not a crook. Not acrook. Not a crook, crook, crook.

[Clinton jerks a thumb at Nixon, gesturing for theSecret Service to get rid of him. Two agents enter andtry to grab Nixon but he is an intangible ghost andkeeps right on pacing and dictating.]

Richard Nixon: [segues into Nixon’s infamous1950s “Checkers” speech] It was a cocker spaniel dogand our little girl, Tricia, named it “Checkers.” And,you know, the kids love the dog–

[One agent tries to catch Nixon in a heavy U.S. MAILbag — to no avail. Take eight. Cut to Clinton, aloneagain, still seated in the White House Map Room,addressing the camera — Nixon has disappeared for themoment but Kenneth Starr enters and exits repeatedlyduring Clinton’s speech.]

Bill Clinton: Our country has been distractedby this matter for too long and I take myresponsibility for my part in all of this. [Starrappears at left gripping a pulley rope and lowers asemen-stained donkey from the ceiling.] That is all Ican do. [Starr props a stiff, semen-stained Al Goreagainst a bureau behind Clinton. Gore holds a signreading: GORE 2000.] Now, it is time — in fact, it ispast time — to– [Starr wheels in a table with thesemen-soaked purple dress under a microscope. Starrpeers into the microscope, then points to theeyepiece. Cut to a microscopic view of nine wigglingsperm — all have bodies resembling Clinton’shead.]

Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!

[Cut back to Clinton addressing the camera. Starr nowholds the microscope over the donley’s semenstain.]

Bill Clinton: We – we have important work–

[Cut to a microscopic view of more wiggling Clintonsperm.]

Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!

[Cut back to Clinton who has risen and is whacking atStarr with a flyswatter. Starr tries to protect theimmobile Gore from damage.]

Bill Clinton: I ask you to turn away from thespectacle of the past seven months …

[Cut back to microscopic view of more wiggling Clintonsperm. They seem to be multiplying rapidly.]

Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!

Bill Clinton: … to repair the fabric of ournational discourse.

[Cut back to Clinton still whacking at Starr with aflyswatter. He turns on the donkey and starts whackingit, too. Starr rushes to protect the donkey fromdamage. The glowing spirit of Richard Nixon swoops inand demonically possesses Clinton’s body. Suddenly,Clinton is channeling Nixon: imitating Nixon’strademark slouch, his voice and his gestures.Patriotic music.]

Clinton as Nixon: [from Nixon’s infamous 1974farewell speech to the White House staff] Alwaysremember, those who hate you don’t win unless you hatethem — and, then, you destroy yourself.

[Clinton glows and Nixon’s spirit flies out ofClinton’s body and soars away. Clinton, his old selfagain, smiles forgivingly at Starr. Both men hug eachother warmly. After a moment, Clinton starts humpingStarr and Starr violently shoves him away and offscreen. Cut to the FUN WITH REAL AUDIO graphic withsmiling reel-to-reel tape machine. Cut to end creditsand “TV Funhouse” theme song.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Gap Ad I

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[fade up to President Bill Clinton in casual clothes; background is white throughout the entire commercial]

Bill Clinton: [looking upward with outstretched arms, singing] I did not have sexual relations with that woman!

[series of three cuts: Bill playing a saxophone near a keyboard, then Bill sitting in a leather chair, then Bill shaking his hips next to the keyboard; saxophone can be heard throughout the rest of the commercial]

I misled people!

[cut to Bill’s feet moving on the floor]

Oooohh!

[series of two cuts: Bill shaking his butt near the keyboard, then Bill posing provocatively with his belt unbuckled and his pants unzipped and unbuttoned with the camera moving from his crotch to his head]

[whispers] Listen…

[series of two cuts: Bill playing the saxophone near the keyboard, then a close-up of Bill playing the saxophone and stopping after a few seconds to address the camera]

[chuckles] This is so easy! It’s just…it’s easy!

[series of two cuts: the Gap logo with “Easy fit.” underneath with the saxophone playing the “fall into the Gap” notes until the end of the commercial, then a close-up of Bill playing the final notes]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Gap Ad II

Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer

[fade up to Hillary Clinton in casual clothes playing riffs on an electric guitar; background is white throughout the entire commercial]

[cut to Hillary sitting next to an amplifier]

Hillary Clinton: Bill and I…

[series of two cuts: Hillary jamming on the guitar with amplifier in view, then Hillary sitting next to the amp]

The President and I…

[series of five cuts: close-up of Hillary’s feet while she’s jamming, then Hillary sitting next to the amp and looking in disgust at one of Bill Clinton’s semen-stained ties, then Hillary jamming with more anger, then an extreme close-up of Hillary jamming with the camera moving up from her feet to her guitar, then Hillary with the guitar and amp]

[upset] This is not easy! [takes the guitar and tosses it to the ground]

[cut to Gap logo with “Fit.” underneath; guitar plays the “fall into the Gap” notes]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Gap Ad III

Kenneth Starr…..Chris Parnell

[fade up to Kenneth Starr in casual clothes carrying boxes of reports into a room, stacking them up into a 4×3 square; background is white throughout the entire commercial]

Kenneth Starr: My report speaks for itself.

[Kenneth turns on a boombox stacked on a box of reports; “Stone To the Bone” plays, as Kenneth dances and flips around the room]

[cut to Gap logo with “Fit.” underneath; guitar plays the “fall into the Gap” notes]

Kenneth Starr: The American people have a right to know!

[fade to black]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Jingleheimer Junction

Jingleheimer Joe…..Tim Meadows
Katie Kindness…..Cameron Diaz
Carla Caring…..Ana Gasteyer
Umberto Unity…..Horatio Sanz
Fred Friendship…..Will Ferrell

Jingleheimer Joe: [ entering the set ] Well, hello, hello. Glad to see you all back again with ol’ Jingleheimer Joe for more good times. So, let’s all become friends and get in a togetherness mood, with your good old pals, the Junction Gang.

[ train whistle sound effect. Katie Kindness, with “K” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Katie Kindness!

[ train whistle sound effect. Carla Caring, with “C” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Carla Caring!

[ train whistle sound effect. Umberto Unity, with “U” on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: And Umberto Unity!

[ the kids are lined up to Jingleheimer Joe’s right: Umberto Unity, Carla Caring and Katie Kindness, the letters on their chests spelling out “UCK” ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Hey, Junction Gang! How are you all today?

Katie Kindness: Better than ever!

Carla Caring: We made a new friend! He’s going to join the Junction Gang!

Jingleheimer Joe: [ curious ] New friend? I didn’t hear anything about a new friend.

Carla Caring: Well, why don’t you meet him?

Katie Kindness: Hey, new friend! Come on down!

( train whistle sound effect. Fred Friendship, with “F” on chest, enters back door, stands next to Katie Kindness, spelling “UCKF”)

Umberto Unity: Meet our new friend, Fred Friendship!

Fred Friendship: “F” is for “Friendship”!

Jingleheimer Joe: Um.. I’m not sure that this is a good idea.

Katie Kindness: Not a good idea? Why, friendship is the best idea!

Carla Caring: In fact, I think Fred Friendship should go to the front of the line!

Jingleheimer Joe: Uh.. no, no. He shouldn’t.

Fred Friendship: [ excited ] Yes, I should!

Umberto Unity: To the front of the line, Fred!

Jingleheimer Gang: [ chanting ] “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”! “F”!

[ Freddie Friendship dances slowly to the front of the line ]

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]

[ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, Fred, that’s enough of you! It’s time for you to get out of here, okay!

Katie Kindness: Jingleheimer Joe, that’s not being friendly.

Fred Friendship: No, it’s not!

Carla Caring: Maybe we should sing the “Togetherness Song” for Jingleheimer Joe.

Fred Friendship: Yeah, let’s do it! I’ll go stand over there with the Gang!

Jingleheimer Joe: No. No, you won’t! You’ll stand right here.

[ music intro starts song ]

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] “You can’t have togetherness, without four things:”

Carla Caring: “Caring.”

Katie Kindness: “And Kindness.”

Fred Friendship: “Friendship!”

Umberto Unity: “And Unity.”

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] “Come see what joy these four can be.”

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, uh.. that’s great. Now, we’re gonna..

Carla Caring: Letter Call-out!

Fred Friendship: [ moving forward ] “F”!

Umberto Unity: [ moving forward ] “U”!

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]

[ cut back to Jingleheimer Gang, Katie Kindness moving forward ]

Jingleheimer Gang: “K”!

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay. Alright. I think that’s enough. That’s enough.

Katie Kindness: No, it’s not. It’s time for “Mish-Mash Mix-em-up.

Jingleheimer Gang: Yeah!

Carla Caring: Spread out, everyone, until someone says, “Freeze!”

[ the Jingleheimer Gang starts to spin around one another in different combinations – Fred Friendship around Umberto Unity, Carla Caring around Katie Kindness and other combinations, until “U-C-K” can be seen with Fred Friendship almost turned completely around. ]

Jingleheimer Joe: That’s it! Stop it! [ rushes Fred Friendship ] No, no, no!!

[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]

[ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]

Jingleheimer Joe: I’ve had enough of you! Get out of here, Fred!

Fred Friendship: [ hurt] Ow! I just want to be with my friends!

Umberto Unity: We’re supposed to be learning about friendship, Joe.

Jingleheimer Joe: Shut up, Umberto!

Fred Friendship: Whoa. I think somebody around here has completely missed our message of togetherness.

Katie Kindness: I think we’d better tell him what we’re all about.

Fred Friendship: This song’s about Togetherness.

Katie Kindness: [ starts singing ] “What we’re spelling out for you-ou.. Is really, really good to do-oo. Caring and kindness are the perfect fit.”

Umberto Unity: [ singing ] “You can do it anywhere! In a parking lot or on a chair!”

Carla Caring: [ singing ] “Inside and outsi-i-i-ide!”

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing and gyrating ] “In and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out..” [ backs now turned ]

Katie Kindness: [ turns around singing, reveals “K” ] “Oh, yeah!”

Carla Caring: [ turns around singing, reveals “C” ] “Baby!”

Umberto Unity: [ turns around singing, reveals “U” ] “Baby!”

Jingleheimer Joe: [ once again rushes Fred Friendship before he can turn around ] Noooooo!!!

[ Jingleheimer Joe wrestles Fred Friendship to the ground one last time, as “Jingleheimer Junction” ends ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

The Ladies Man

The Ladies’ Man/Bill Clinton…..Tim Meadows
Julie/Monica Lewnsky…..Cameron Diaz

Leon Phelps: Yeah..! Right! What’s up, and thank you very much! And what is hapnin’? Uh, welcome to “The Ladies Man”, the loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I’m Leon Phelps, and how y’all doin’ tonight? (Crowd cheers) Yeah? Well that’s good! I’m doing fine, and I got my Courvosier right here! …And I also got my Starr Report! Oh yeah! That’s right. Now I have read this report, and I have to say this is really good. This is very, very good, you know. I especially like the parts on the obstruction of justice, the purgery charges, and also, the stuff about the BJ’s. That was good! You know, Ilike this so much, that in fact, that tonight, I’d like to perform, theatrically perform, some of it for you. All right, so without furder ado, this is another episode of what I’d like to call, “The Ladies’ ManPresents”!

[ “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” music pots up, as Leon steps behind a silhoette of himself holding a glass of Courvosier ]

Yeah, I like that! All right now, here in the Oval Office, for this demonstration, I will be playing President Bill Clinton. And, uh, you will know me as the Clinton because I will be wearing this wig.Right? Right. Now here to assist me, is a very talented performer, from our community theater group. She has appeared in “Our Town”, in “Uncle Vonya”, and her picture has appeared in numerous phone sex ads. Soplease welcome the lovely Julie. How about it?

Julie: Hi Leon!

Leon Phelps: Now Julie, you tell them what role you’ll be playin’ tonight.

Julie: Well Leon, I will be playin’ Ms. Monica Lewinsky.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, that’s right. Well now Julie is not as fat, and therefore as not as sweet as Monica, but I think you will agree she is no bus station skank!

Julie: Well thank you Leon, should we get started?

Leon Phelps: Well yes we shall! Oh, sh.. she is so propesion… profedsional. Oh, I’m so sor… Ok! Yes, yes, yes! But Julie, take your place and we will begin. Here is sexual encounter number 1, or what’d Ilike to call, “The Oral Office”! (He puts the wig on) Four score and seven years ago… Oh! (He bumps into Monica) Well hello there!

Julie: Hello, my name is Monica!

Leon Phelps: My name is President Bill Clinton!

Julie: Look, I’m wearing a thong…

Leon Phelps: Oh yeah, that is nice… Uh, I mean yes, that is very good!

Julie: We have quite a chemistry, don’t we?

Leon Phelps: Yes we do! Can I kiss you? (they kiss) And freeze! Yeah! Now that was not bad! But I have to say, he asted to much time to get where he really wanted. And that is very sad, you see! Now check out how the Ladies’ Man would handle the situation, ok? Julie, if you will?

Leon Phelps: Hello there, sexy!

Julie: Hello. My name is Monica Lewinsky.

Leon Phelps: Oh yeah..? Well let me get a couple of handfulls of that big butt!

Julie: Yeah, okay.

Leon Phelps: And freeze! Now you see, how little time I wastedbefore I grabbed her butt? See? I did not kiss her, I just went straight for the caboose, you see! Now let’s move on to the time when the president will have a pizza delivered to him by Monica. Okay? That leads to sexual encounter number 2, or what I have named, “The Pres Gets Him a Slice”!

Leon Phelps: And by signing this, I will make this a law!

Julie: Mr. President?

Leon Phelps: Oh, Monica!

Julie: I brought you a pizza!

Leon Phelps: I hope it’s a pizz’of ass!! *RING RING RING!* Hello there Senator Congressman! Yeah! How’s it comming with you making that bill? Mmm-hmmm! (he points his finger down to his wang, expecting a BJfrom Monica) Yeah! Uhh-huh! Yeah! Okay, that’s it! That’s right! Now we’ll just have to make that a law! And freeze!! Now, I must say I have done many things while having my wang moutha-fied, you know. I havedone so many things. I have mowed the lawn, I have pumped the gas, I’ve even cooked eggs! But I’ve never talked to a congressman! So, Mr. President, I salute you, for doing a job, while having a job done to you! Saaluute! (they salute) Thank you. But now comes the hard part. Like every good wang-to-mouth relationship, there comes a time to call it off. And as we know, the president has a very hard time ending hisrelationships. But there’s a very, very smooth way this can get done which brings us to my 3rd vignette, which I call, “Yeah, That Was Nice, But I Think you Should Get Going”. Julie, if you will? (She gives hima BJ)

Julie: (She gets up) You know, anyway, incase you were, um, going to change the educational system…

Leon Phelps: And freeze! So there you have it! Our president is quite a lover, but you have to say, he is no Ladies’ Man, you know? I would like to thank my assistant Julie. Julie, tell us where you will be performing next?

Julie: Right now, I am in the production of Cole Porter’s “Anything Goes”!

Leon Phelps: Well, I dont know about this Cole Porter dude, but I’m game to see it! Haha! And I’ll see you later on on “The Ladies’ Man”!

Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda

SNL Transcripts

The Celine Dion Show

Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer
Shania Twain…..Molly Shannon
Mariah Carey…..Cheri Oteri
Gloria Estefan…..Matthew Broderick

Celine Dion Voiceover: Eh, I am French-Canadian, I am really skinny, and guess what: I am the best singer in the world! Welcome to my show!

Celine Dion: Okay! It’s time to bring my next guests out. They are my beautiful, best friends, from my VH-1 Diva concert! Please welcome country music sensation, Shanna Twain! Oh, Shanna! [ Shania Twain steps out ] The magnificant Mariah Carey! Mariah! [ Mariah Carey steps out ] And, the Cuban dynamo, Gloria Estefan! Gloria! [ Gloria Estefan steps out ] Oh! Oh, girl, it was so nice to have you on VH- Diva Live, when I blew the roof off the mother!

You look very good for a woman who has had a bus accident, and a boat accident!

Gloria Estefan: Thanks.

Celine Dion: Would you do me the honor of singing me one of your best song now?

Gloria Estefan: No. [ shakes head ]

Celine Dion: Please?

Gloria Estefan: no, no, no. Look, I know what you’re gonna do, okay? I’m gonna start to sing, and then you’re gonna get up and act like an ass, and drown me out.

Celine Dion: No.. Oh, no, Gloria, I won’t, I swear to my God! Please, do not deprive this lovely audience of your beautiful gift.

Gloria Estefan: [ suckered in ] Alright. [ stands and sings “Conga” ]
“Come on, shake your body baby,
do the conga
I know you can’t control yourself any longer!”

[ Celine jumps in ]

Celine Dion: [ singing ]
“I know you can’t control yourself any longer
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger
Ole! Ole! Ole!”
[ stops suddenly ] Oh. Oh. Get the rhythm of the beat.

Gloria Estefan: Hey, Celine! You promised!

Celine Dion: Oh, I’m so sorry! If I wasn’t such a nice person, I’d think I was a showoff!

Gloria Estefan: You’re a freak!

Shania Twain: Yea-ah. You know, you’re crazy, Celine!

Mariah Carey: Yeah, you know what? I don’t have to take this – I’m going out with a Yankee shortshop. [ shakes her booty, and exits stage, Shania and Gloria follow ]

Celine Dion: Please! Don’t be jealous of me! [ piano music plays, lights dim ] I wasn’t always this lucky. There was a time when I had so many ear infections, the kid in the town would call me “Ugly, Retarded Girl”! But now, I am the best singer in the world. And now I will sing the best song in the world! [ stands and sings ]

“Once more, you opened the do-oo-oo-oorr!”

[ fade out ]

Note: This sketch was transcribed, by request, from the VH-1 SNL Music Anniversary Special, which was greatly edited. If anyone has this sketch on tape and could provide the rest of the dialogue, please e-mail me at patricklonergan@hotmail.com. Thanks!

SNL Transcripts

Flex Speed Stick

Man #1…..Will Ferrell
Man #2…..Chris Kattan
Man #3…..Tim Meadows

[ show various scenes of men participating in sporting activities – wrestling, mountain climbing, biking, etc. ]

Announcer: When you get active, you know you’re gonna sweat!

[ Man #1 holds up product at close-up ]

Announcer: Flex Speedstick gives you the 24-hour protection you need.

[ crude cartoon image of Flex being applied under the arm and creeping under the skin ]

In addition to powerful antiperspirants, Flex contains windstrar, cyphroderonasitate, and other performance-enhancing drugs.

[ Man #1 applies the deodorant under his arm ]

Announcer: Flex gives you an extra edge that allows you to really attack the day.

[ Man #1 tries to untwist the pedal on his bike, gets aggravated and hurls the bike across the grass ]

Announcer: It’s that extra assurance and aggression you need. Flex!

[ close-up of the evil in Man #1’s eyes – Incredible Hulk-like ]

[ as Jingle plays, various scenes intercut… ]

[ Man #2 tearing his clothes off as he runs in the street ]

[ Man #3 misses a baseball pitch, rips off his jersey to reveal an excessively hairy chest, and attacks the pitcher with full force ]

[ Man #2 stalks a deer in the woods, sneaks up on it and takes a huge bite over the shoulder and begins eating the bloody carcass ]

[ Man #1 attacks a jogger, knocking him to the ground and then peeing on him to mark his territory ]

[ Man #3 wrestles with a kangaroo ]

Jingle:
“Know that you’re the best
Stand above the rest.
Let your voice be heard! (Flex!)
Charging through the day! (Flex!)
Let your mind go blank (Flex!)
Do whatever you want. (Flex!)

No one’s gonna stop you
Take wht you desire.
The law doesn’t apply to you
When you use Flex!”

[ product is held up again at close-up ]

Announcer: Flex. Consult your physician. not available over the counter.

SNL Transcripts

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Caller #1…..Colin Quinn
Caller #2…..Will Ferrell

[ open on title card, Leon Phelps silhoetted in the background amongst a roomful of sex paraphernalia ]

Announcer: Ooh, yeah! It’s time for.. “The Ladies Man.”

Leon Phelps: Hey, what’s happening, and welcome to “The Ladies Man”. The love line with all the right responses to your romantic queries. I’m Leon Phelps, and how y’all doin’ tonight? [ audience cheers wildly ] Yes. Well, good. That is good! That is very good! I’m doin’ alright, let me see.. I for my Courvoisier here. [ holds up the bottle ] That’s right! And I’ve also got my Viagra! [ holds up the Viagra container ] Yeah! Yeah, that’s right, you heard me! Yeah, now – Viagra – that’s a new sex drug. Now, if you are uninformed about this new scientific wonder, then I will tell you that is used for a very sensitive problem that some unfortunate men must suffer with. And I’m talking, of course, about chronic fatigue syndrome of the wang. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Or, what I like to call Old Man’s Penis. Yeah! You know.. [ singing ] Old Man’s Pe-nis!

Now.. according to the doctors, now, this Viagra can help those sad men who suffer from Chronic Wangular Softitude.. um.. by producing a very highly sophisticated pharmacalogical hardifying of the wang, you see? It is all very scientific, but I am prepared to answer any questions that, uh, you many have, because I am Leon Phelps.. the Ladies Man! So.. go ahead, Caller!

Caller #1: Hi. Ladies Man? I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but.. for years now, I’ve been suffering from.. impotency.

Leon Phelps: Ye-eah.. impotency. Now.. what is that?

Caller #1: You know, the reason why people take Viagra?

Leon Phelps: Oh, yeah, then.. oh, well you suffer from Old Man’s Penis.

Caller #1: No! Well.. yeah, I guess so.

Leon Phelps: Mmm-hmm.

Caller #1: Anyway, I’m calling to ask you if you know if the drug works.

Leon Phelps: Well, Caller, uh.. the doctors all say that it works.. but, then, uh.. I have never trusted a doctor, I mean, uh.. I had one doctor tell me that I had a venereal disease, um.. but it turned out it wasn’t me who had the venereal disase. It was seven to eight of my lady friends who had it. So you can never really trust doctors.

But, Caller.. you do pose a very interesting query. Now, does Vigara work, right? Yeah, well.. I am prepared to answer that question here on “The Ladies Man”. Because I am Leon Phelps. I will take a small dose of Viagra to see if it has any effect on a 100% healthy man, such as me. And I think you know what I mean when I say 100% healthy! I think youk now what I mean! [ opens container ] Alright, let’s see here – it says “Recommended dosage: 1 tablet.” Okay. [ shakes out one tablet ] Well, what the hell – I’ll just take it all! [ shakes out all the tablets and begins to chew them ]

Mmm.. yeah! These Viagras are good! Mmmm-hmm.. [ chewing ] Tastes like chocolate. Okay.. now.. I have taken the Viagra.. and, if the doctors are correct, then this pill will work only if I am aroused. Okay? And, to arouse me tonight – I have chosen this very sexy picture of Ms. Delta Burke. [ holds up huge picture of Delta Burke ] Yeah! And, to de-arouse me – I have chosen this butt-ugly picture of Sally Jesse Raphael. [ holds up picture of Sally Jesse Raphael ] Yeah. Okay. And.. I demonstrate.

[ stares lovingly into the picture of Delta Burke ]

Oh yeah, okay, this is working! Ye-eah.. this is definitely working down below. Yeah! Yeah! I can feel that! Yeah, it’s working good! [ chuckles ] Maybe a little too good. I gotta take me some Courvoisier and cleanse the palette here. Whoo! [ sips his Courvoisier ]

Alright.. now, in contrast, I will look at this disgusting picture of Sally Jesse Raphael. Okay. [ stares disgustedly into the picture of Sally Jesse Raphael ] Okay, this is strange now.. I was expecting a little bit of softitude.. um, but, instead, I’m still aroused. [ drops the picture ] Okay, this is not good, this is not good. Uh, usually it only takes me a bottle of Courvoisier and some Lou Rawls to get excited, you know? I think that the Ladies Man is having what you might call a “bad trip”, due to these crazy wang pills, okay? How about if we take a call. Go ahead, Caller.

Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man. My name is Kent Foldger. Uh, let me tell ya – the last time my wife and I made love was the day I came home from the Korean War. But, with this Viagra stuff, we’ve been going at it like dogs in heat!

Leon Phelps: [ chuckling ] Yeah! That sounds alright to me! Now, uh, how old are you?

Caller #2: Well.. I’m 76, and the little lady is 80 years old.

Leon Phelps: [ processing this information ] Yeah.. well, that’s disgusting. Um.. no, that is not good. I’m sorry. Um, but, I must say, after all those Viagra I took, it doesn’t sound that disgusting, you know! now, how is that 80-year old as on that old lady of yours?

Caller #2: It’s a hum-dinger!

Leon Phelps: [ chuckles ] Damn, that sounds good! Well, good luck, old dude! That’s nice. Okay, now I am definitely having a bad trip, because I am still thinking about those naked old people. And that ain’t good. So, if I don’t get out of here and find me a sweet, bustacious skank, I might do something disgusting that I might really regret. So, uh, to all of you out there, all I can say is: “Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts