Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 15

97o: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

…..Colin Quinn
Gunner Olsen…..Jim Breuer

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: [sighs] Hello! I’m Colin Quinn. Thank you!

Okay. The top story this week is Vernon Jordan’s testimony before the grand jury. He described how Betty Currie asked him to get Monica Lewinsky a job, how he drove Monica to job interviews. Now these are either the nicest people in the world, or somebody’s lying. We have interns here at “Saturday Night Live,” and we don’t drive them anywhere. All right? We send them out for coffee during El Niño. They come to New York all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed thinking, “Heeeeeyyy! What are you doing?”, sitting in at a control panel wearing headphones. “I’m a communications major!” “Yeah, go communicate with the Arab guy at the grocery store, no milk, all right?” “I want to be a writer here on the show! I wanna be a writer!” “Okay, write this down: two double latte mochaccinos.” That’s how interns get treated. Vernon Jordan expects us to believe that he went on a road trip with a 21-year-old girl? This guy’s a hero of the Civil Rights movement! What kind of conversations does he have with Monica Lewinsky for four hours in a car? You’re talking about your days marching in Selma, she’s talking about that boot she saw at Nine West, you know?…But my favorite is the moral high ground that everybody’s on about this. “Oooohh! He fooled around with interns! He fooled around with interns!” Hey! I fooled around with interns! All right? Have you seen some of these interns? Uh, n – yeah, nobody’s gonna be attracted to the 20-year-old NYU girl with the belly ring, the baby teeth, and the tattoo on the small of her back. Yeah….Okay, yeah, go ahead! You know, yeah, that’s bad. You can judge me on that, but my approval rating just shot up 20 points. [applause] Oh, thank you.

Latrell Sprewell, who was suspended by the NBA for choking his coach, won a stunning victory earlier this week when his 17-million-dollar contract was reinstated. Outraged members of the New York Knicks were heard to say, “Hey! We’ve been choking for years, where’s our money?” [some boos] It’s true.

O.J. Simpson is now taking a law school correspondence course. Armed with his new knowledge of the law, he is reportedly furious that he was acquitted. [cheers and applause] Right?

Microsoft chairman Bill Gates testified before the Senate on Tuesday, insisting that Microsoft is not a monopoly. Then he hopped into a giant shoe and drove to his red hotel on Baltic Avenue. [applause]

In Oregon this week, a panel a medical experts released a guidebook to help families deal with the ethical and emotional issues of assisted suicide. This guidebook replaces Dr. Jack Kevorkian’s guidebook entitled, Just Get in the Van.

In Mexico, four armed gunmen held up boxing promoter Don King…and stole his 100,000-dollar Rolex watch. Unharmed, a relieved Don King told reporters, “The watch was meaningless, your life is everything. And besides, it was Mike Tyson’s watch.”

This week, a New Jersey court ruled that homosexuals can be allowed in the Boy Scouts. They are easily identified by the red bandanas in their back left pocket. See…I liked it better when I was a kid. Everybody knew the scoutmaster was gay, but you didn’t talk about it. Huh? The priest was gay, you didn’t talk about it, you know? Your uncle wore an ascot to Thanksgiving dinner, you didn’t talk about it! I swear I’m right.

Lieutenant Colonel Eileen Collins has been chosen as the first woman to command a space shuttle mission. She will be following in the footsteps of Sally Ride, Christa McAuliffe, and trailblazing housewife Alice Kramden, who was sent to the moon by her husband Ralph in the late ’50s. [applause]…[imitating Ralph Kramden] “Why you little…!”…Oops…that’s Homer Simpson.

NBC has decided to renew the sitcom “Caroline in the City” for another season. When reached for comment, atheists everywhere said, “See? I told you so.”

The House passed a bill this week that paved the way for Puerto Rico to become the 51st state….The flag will be displayed on a clothesline outside City Hall. Come on! [strong mixed reaction] Now, that was wrong. Ah, but when I make the Irish jokes, everybody’s fine! All right. That was wrong. That was a…bi – wr– let me just finish. The, uh…that part was…actually, just a joke. But, seriously, the inaugural barbecue will be held on the shoulder of the West Side Highway this Sunday afternoon. [cheers and applause; can’t hold back his laughter]…Come on! Oh!

Okay. You know everybody’s talking about Kofi Annan’s amazing diplomatic skills, how they averted the war with Iraq. But I don’t think there was ever gonna be a war because…what it came down to was a couple of guys that didn’t want to fight: us and Iraq. We’re like two kids in the schoolyard, there’s no one to fight, it’s like, “Hey! Start!” “No, you start!” “Start!” England’s back there, “I’ll hold your coat!” You know….But then we notice that all our buddies that we thought that we had on our side–France, China, Russia–nobody had our back! We totally misjudged the rumor, we thought everybody hated Iraq! But nobody added, “You gotta assess the vibe before you make a move like that,” you know how that happens? You think you’re on the same page with all of your friends? You’re at a bar, a Billy Joel song comes on, you’re like, “Yeah, Billy Joel sucks.” And everybody turns on you, “No, you suck! Billy Joel’s good.” You know, what about “The Stranger”? You’re like, “Oh, I like ‘The Stranger’! I like his old stuff,” you know? The next time, we should have, like, our ambassador ch – check it out first, go to France, and be like, “Hey, what’s up with Iraq, man?” [French accent] “What is wrong with Iraq?” “Nothing! I like Iraq! I like their old stuff, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon was good, you know?”…That’s the only…

A study out this week indicates that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant as those who do not. In a related study, women who drink Long Island Iced Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back of a Camaro with sticky hair. [cheers and applause] Holy Lord! Ah!

Martha Sewart is s– Martha Stewart is suing The National Enquirer for 10 million dollars for saying that she is mentally ill. Stewart denied the accusation, then spent the next 15 hours trying to make the perfect sandwich. [some applause]

The Supreme Court ruled that workers can sue for sexual harassment committed by members of the same sex, as long as it’s not just locker room horseplay. That means that you can say, “How’s it hanging?” But you can’t say, “No seriously, how’s it hanging?” [some cheers and applause]

In an effort to help our younger viewers understand today’s top stories, is heavy metal singer Gunner Olsen.

[Pan over to Gunner, who wears a tight black T-shirt and jeans. Gunner has a microphone; his voice is amplified. His voice is energetic and often changes pitch.]

Gunner Olsen: Yeeeeaaah! [scattered guitar riffs begin playing] Yeah!…Colin! Are you ready for some NEEEEWWWS, COLIN? [some cheers]

Colin: Sure, heavy metal guy.

Gunner: I said, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME NEEEEEWWWS, COLIN-AH? [guitar riffs stop]

Colin: [a little annoyed] I answered you, yes.

Gunner: [starting at Colin’s last line] All right! All right! All right! First one…a little thing from The Washington Post-ah! [bobs head for a few seconds as a heavy metal tune begins playing, then starts singing]

[all lyrics appear one line at a time at the bottom of the screen]

Vernon Jordan proved
that he is not a phony
He refused to cut a deal
in exchange for testimony
Did the independent counsel
go a little too far
Only one person knows
and his name is Kenneth Starr [holds the word “Starr” for several seconds]

[cheers and applause] All right! All right! Yeaaow! Yeaaow! ALL RIGHT, COLIN!…[looks at Colin, Colin starts laughing; tune ends] My man, Colin!

Are you ready, people…for some INTERNATIONAL NEWS, [tune begins] ARE YA? [bobs head again for a few seconds, then resumes singing]

[ends every other line in this section with a high pitch]
The Iraqi Arms Agreement
What’s goin’ on
The White House refused
to meet with Kofi Annan
A senate subcommittee
tried to challenge Bill Gates
But they don’t realize
he controls all our fates [holds the word “fates” for several seconds]

All right! [applause] All right!…All right! You want some more? [cheers] I can’t hear you! [louder cheers] All right! [tune ends] These people are crazy! [some cheers; tries to control his laughter]

People…[can’t hold his laughter again] CUT IT OUT! [guitar riff] CUT IT OUT! [cheers] Let’s take a looooook…at the entertainment news, COLIN! [tune begins; bobs head for a few seconds, and resumes singing]

The film industry
is trying not to panic
They’ve got nothing to compete
with that movie “Titanic” [holds the word “Titanic” for several seconds]
In baseball news
it’s the start of spring training
But there’s hardly any scores
’cause it just won’t stop raining [holds the word “raining” for several seconds]

[“Won’t stop raining!” appears]
No, it won’t stop raining!
Won’t stop raining! [flashing lyrics disappear]
WON’T STOP RAINING! [gets on top of the desk]
WON’T STOP RAINING!
WON’T STOP RAINING!!
WON’T STOP RAINING!!

[stage dives off the desk]

Colin: Jim Breuer, everyone! Jim Breuer! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! [tune ends] Good night!

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
March 14th, 1998

Julianne Moore

Backstreet Boys

None

None
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: As President Bill clinton (Darrell Hammond) comments on the Starr Report, Kenneth Starr (Will Ferrell) interrupts the sketch to issue a subpoena to Darrell Hammond.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Kenneth Starr.

Transcript

Montage

Julianne Moore’s MonologueSummary: Gloria Stewart (Cheri Oteri) re-enacts the “Titanic” finale so she can one-up her fellow Oscar nominee, Julianne Moore.

Delicious DishSummary: Sorghum expert Audrey Kay (Julianne Moore) reveals that her farm compound is a front for an evil cult.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

The Ladies ManRecurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Note: As Don Pardo announcement next week’s rebroadcast, Kenneth Starr (Will Ferrell) can be heard entering the booth and issuing Pardo a subpoena.

Barbara Walters Oscar SpecialSummary: New student Marissa (Ana Gasteyer) is offended by the sarcastic comments of the teacher (Matthew Perry) and her classmates.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Burt Reynolds.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Colin QuinnNote: Colin Quinn performs Weekend Update alone, with no guest commentators.

Transcript

Backstreet Boys performs “As Long As You Love Me”

Pretty LivingRecurring Characters: Gayle Gleason, Helen Madden.

Transcript

HeinekenSummary: Kenneth Starr (Will Ferrell) interrupts a Heineken commercial to issue subpoenas to the beer drinkers within.

Terence MaddoxRecurring Characters: Terrence Maddox.

Transcript

TV FunhouseConspiracy Theory Rock!

Note: This cartoon was edited out of all reruns of the episode. Conspiracy?

Good Morning With Liza!Recurring Characters: Liza Manelli, Captain Montclaire Vanderhausen III.

The Golords

Shirtless Bible SalesmenSummary: Shirtless salesmen (Will Ferrell, Tim Meadows) have no luck selling a unit to a housewife (Julianne Moore).

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Shirtless Bible Salesmen

Leif Barrett…..Will Ferrell
Kent State…..Tim Meadows
Homemaker…..Julianne Moore

[ open on a suburban porch, inside angle as Homemaker answers the door ]

Leif Barrett: Hey there, pretty lady. My name’s Leif Barrett. This is my partner Kent State. We’re shirtless, and we sell bibles.

Kent State: And you, you look like the kind of pretty lady who could use a bible, or twelve [ laughs ]. But seriously, how many bibles would you like to buy?

Homemaker: Sorry, guys, I’m not interested in buying any bibles today.

Leif Barrett: Well, that’s bad news, ’cause I’m planning on busting my ass to get you into a brand new bible.

Homemaker: Thanks anyway, I don’t need any bibles.

Leif Barrett: Maybe I can put it to you a little more clearly. This bible reeks of class [ Kent sniffs a bible ], okay? A sophisticated little number. And, dudes are going to go nuts when you buy this and put it on your shelf.

Homemake: Yeah? I’m married. I don’t want dudes going nuts in my home.

Kent State: Uh, but, lady, this bible has pictures in it.

Leif Barrett: Yeah, there’s pictures of that guy Jesus, and other bible guys, from the olden days.

Homemaker: Why aren’t you wearing any shirts?

Leif Barrett: Bibles don’t wear shirts. Why should we?

Homemaker: Because you’re gross?

Kent State: Yeah? You know what’s not gross?

Homemaker: The bible?

Kent State: Oh, dammit. You anticipate my every move, you know that? you must be really good at checkers.

Leif Barrett: How ’bout this? What if every bible came.. with a brick of gold? Would you buy one?

Homemaker: Of course.

Leif Barrett: Okay. Now, take away the bar of gold. Do you still want one?

Homemaker: No.

Leif Barett: Okay, the gold’s back. You want one now?
Homemaker: Of course.

Kent State: Okay, what if I told you that I would remove my pants if you buy a bible?

Homemaker: Then I would definitely not buy a bible.

Kent State: Okay, what if told you that I would remove my underpants? Would that sweeten the deal?

Homemaker: No.

Kent State: What if I also.. okay.. lady, how ’bout this: you see this watch? This is how much the Lord loves you.

Homemaker: That doesn’t make any sense!

Leif Barrett: You know who does make sense?

Homemaker: Who?

Leif Barett: Jesus.

Kent State: Mmm-hmm. Jesus Martinez. He’s our supervisor. And he says if we don’t sell 1,500 bibles a week for a year, we owe him 700 grand.

Leif Barrett: We signed four contracts saying we’d do this.

Kent State: And they all hold up in court.

Homemaker: Why would you agree to that?

Leif Barrett: Well, it all started when we picked up a ringing payphone in a laundromat. This guy wanted to know if we’d want to buy a condo in Vegas.

Kent State: Yeah. Of course, we’re not crazy, we said yes! And so we gave him all our credit card numbers, and that’s how we met our best friend in the world, Jesus..

Leif & Kent: Martinez.

Homemaker: Wait, wait. Jesus Martinez is your friend? I thought he was the guy that swindled you?

Kent State: He is, but he’s a good listener.

Leif Barrett: Every Friday night we meet him at Taco Bell, and wait for him to tell us if they’re going to build the condo or not.

Homemaker: The condo’s not even built yet?

Kent State: No. No, they might not even build it, and they’re definitely not building it in Vegas [ laughing ], we know that much for a fact.

Leif Barrett: Yeah, we know that. In fact, if I had to do it all over again, I probably wouldn’t do it.

Kent State: You know what? I would do it over again, but instead of buying a condo, I think I’d buy spinal cord medicine.

Homemaker: What’s wrong with your spine?

Kent State: Oh, nothing that a little spinal cord medicine won’t fix.

Leif Barrett: Okay.. I’ll tell you what. You let us stay in your house for a week..

Kent State: Good deal!

Leif Barrett: ..all you have to do is buy 3,000 bibles, Even-Steven.

Homemaker: [ angry, pushing them out the door ] Get out, get out. Come on, that’s enough..

Kent State: Aw, lady, would you kick the Lord out of your house?

Homemaker: Well, you’re not the Lord?

Kent State: Yes, but if I was the Lord, would you pray to me?

Leif Barrett: Hey, Kent, what if I also was the Lord, and then we’d have to have a Lord-Off?

Kent State: [ amused ] Aw, dude! I would destroy you with my Jesus fingers, and then I could have all the burritos I could eat!

Leif Barrett: [ laughing too ] I’d have a super-deep voice and good clothes. And I’d look in showers of women’s dorms with my Lord-vision.

Kent State: Aw, dude, I would use my Lordness to get out of three of the four contracts with Jesus Martinez.

Homemaker: Now, wait, if you’re the Lord, why wouldn’t you get out of all four?

Kent State: Well, you have to see that fourth contract, lady, it’s a doozy.

Homemaker: [ pushing them completely out the door ] Good day, gentlemen, good day.

[ cut to the outside porch area ]

Kent State: I told you we should have worn shirts.

Leif Barrett: You’re right. [ pause ] Come on, let’s go untie that kid.

Kent State: Yeah. Hey, kid..

SNL Transcripts

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Kenneth Starr…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: And now, a Message from the President of the United States.

President Bill Clinton: Good evening. I come before you tonight, not to talk about the important business of running th country, but, rather.. [ holds up bulky report ] ..to specifically address this huge document that the lawyers for Paula Jones have made so graciously available to me. My fellow Americans, I have read this thing cover-to-cover, and, folks.. it’s good stuff! [ laughs ] I mean, it is hotter than Hell! And the best part is, it’s all about me!

Let me just read you a little passage from a certain Miss Kathleen Willie. [ clears throat ] You’re gonna love this..

[ reading ]

“And then the president escorted me down a narrow hallway, from the Oval Office to a dining room and back. I was thirsdty, and he offered me a drink. Before we reached the dining room, the President reached out and tried to kiss me. He lifted his hand, and put it on my breast; and then, my hand to his penis.”

[ closes report, and thumps on desk ]

That is hot! Jackie Collins, my ass! [ laughs ] And I actually did all that! I mean.. I didn’t.. but..

Have you ever read a book that’s so good, you just can’t put it down? And then you just want to run out and tell everyone all about it? Folks, this is one of those books! Can I just read you one more juicy passage? This is from a lady who calls herself Mrs. Jones..

[ reading ]

“I was then escorted into a private hotel room, where the governor lowered his pants. There was something different about him, a mark or something. And then he asked me to kiss it.”

[ closes report ]

Did she kiss it? You’re gonna have to buy the book to find out. I swear to God, I just thought everyone in the country should have the opportunity to read this. That’s why we, here at the White House, will be issuing this handsomely-produced copy of all 700 pages, with this romantic cover.

[ close-up of sexy dime-store romance novel cover ]

That’s me! I look like Fabio! [ laughs ] I call this “Deposition”. Hopefully, it will be in bookstores by summer. I mean, this would be a great book to read on the beach, and I strongly urge all Americans to buy this book. Anyway, thank you for your time, America, and God bless you all.

[ Ken Starr enters Oval Office set ]

Ken Starr: Are you Darrell Hammond?

Darrell Hammond: [ confused ] What? Who are you?

Ken Starr: Are you Darrell Hammond, the man who plays the president on “Saturday Night Live”?

Darrell Hammond: [ annoyed ] Yes!

Ken Starr: Well, Mr. Hammond, my name is Ken Starr. I’m the Independent Counsel, and I’m serving you with this subpoena. Come with me.

Darrell Hammond: No! What do you want with me?! I’m not the President!

Ken Starr: Shut your hole, Hammond! I subpoenaed all the real people, now I’m subpoenaing the people who do impressions of him. Boys? Come on in.

Darrell Hammond: No! Don’t! Hey!

[ Agents enter the set and cart Darrell Hammond out of the studio ]

Ken Starr: I’m gonna enjoy this. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Audrey Kay…..Julianne Moore

[ open on exterior, NPR van parked in front of a cornfield ]

[ dissolve to Margret Jo and Teri performing a live remote in the cornfield ]

Margaret McCullen: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullen.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Margaret McCullen: And you’re listening to..

Together: “The Delicious Dish”. On National Public Radio.

Margaret McCullen: Now, Terry, we’ve decided to shake things up this week. We’re coming to you live, from a field, outside of..

Together: Kirby, Nebraska!

Margaret McCullen: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this! I feel like an Acapulco cliffdiver!

Teri Rialto: I know. It’s exciting and dangerous. And, thanks to the magic of radio, we can share this thrilling experience with our listeners.

Margaret McCullen: That’s right, So, lash yourself to the mast, everybody, and prepare yourselves for what Teri and I like to call the soundgasm that is rural Nebraska!

[ sound of truck passing ]

Margaret McCullen: I think I hear a truck.

Teri Rialto: Trucks are.. useful.

Margaret McCullen: They really are. Truck are neat, I like them.

Teri Rialto: I like trucks, too.

Margaret McCullen: This is really fun!

Teri Rialto: It’s nice to take risks.

Margaret McCullen: It sure is. Yes. We’re gonna have fun.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret McCullen: Anyway, Terry, the reason we’re here – besides the auditory thrill ride – is to visit Red Bliss Farm. It’s the only working organic farm that produces one of our favorite heartland staple crops..

Together: Sorghum!

Teri Rialto: That’s right. And here to talk with us about the organic production of this multi-purpose grain, is Harvesting Director Audrey Kay.

Margaret McCullen: Hi, Audrey. It’s so fun to be here, in your environment.

Audrey Kay: Thank you. And I’d like to welcome you to Red Bliss Farms, our little oasis of organic purity.

Teri Rialto: So, Audrey, we have a lot of ground to cover!

Audrey Kay: I’ll say. Our compound covers over 1,500 acres of ground.

Margaret McCullen: Wow! What a clever play on words!

Teri Rialto: That was really funny!

Margaret McCullen: This is fun.

Teri Rialto: This is neat!

Margaret McCullen: Neat.

Teri Rialto: It’s fun.

Margaret McCullen: It’s neat for you to be here.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret McCullen: Good times. Now, Audrey, so many of us take sorghum for granted. Will you give our listeners a glimpse into the kaleidoscope that is sorghum production?

Audrey Kay: It truly is an intoxicating prism. Now, pay attention, because this can get tricky. Sorghum can be used for syrup.. grain.. and broom fiber.

Teri Rialto: Broom fiber? You just blew my mind!

Margaret McCullen: So, if you spilled some sorghum, you could sweep it up with soem sorghum! [ light, muffled laugh ]

Audrey Kay: [ serious ] That’s very funny.. but we keep the compound extremely clean.

Teri Rialto: Speaking of which, why don’t you tell us a little bit more about Red Bliss Farms.

Audrey Kay: Certainly. Our compound is a fully self-sufficient farm. We purify our own water, we preserve and can our own food, and we provide a safe and spiritually-nurturing haven for all 333 cadets of the Intergalactic Apocalypse that live and work here on the compound.

Margaret McCullen: [ stunned ] Oh. I.. I guess there’s a lot I didn’t know about organic farming..

Audrey Kay: We all have a lot to learn. That is why we follow the teachings of Allias.

Teri Rialto: Allias? Is that your boss?

Audrey Kay: Allias is a divine leader. He was born 4,000 years ago, on the planet Cortex. His true name cannot be pronounced by the human tongue.

Margaret McCullen: [ for lack of something to say ] Our.. our boss’ name is Chet.

Teri Rialto: So.. uh.. your farm is called Red Bliss Farms. Do you also grow red bliss potatoes here?

Audrey Kay: Potatoes? Oh, no. It’s named that because we are all awaiting the Red Bliss. It is coming! It will descend upon our planet with a deluge of plasma and ecstasy! Few will be spared. Which is why all cadets sleep in lead-lined coffins.

Margaret McCullen: [ nervous ] Wow, Terry.. I think I heard another truck go by..

Audrey Kay: Have the two of you given any thought to where your souls will reside after the sky is torn to shreds by silver saucers?

Margaret McCullen: No.. I haven’t..

Teri Rialto: [ firm ] I have.

Margaret McCullen: Wh-Where’s the van?

Audrey Kay: Terry. You and I have much to talk about.

Margaret McCullen: [ quickly ] That’s all the time we have on the Delicious Dish..

Audrey Kay: Do you want to see my implant scars?

Margaret McCullen: No.

Teri Rialto: I want to see them.

Margaret McCullen: Join us next week, when we’ll be safely back in the studio.

Audrey Kay: Are you ready to meet Allias?

Margaret McCullen: No! And our topic will be.. fennel.

Teri Rialto: I want to meet Allias.

Margaret McCullen: Terry, I’m getting you out of here. Terry. Terry.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

TV Funhouse

[ note: this cartoon appeared in the original March broadcast of the SNL episode, but was cut from the summer rerun. SNL producer Lorne Michaels told the New York Daily News he “didn’t think it worked comedically.” In an interview, Harry Shearer said “The truth is that Lorne wanted to continue working at 30 Rock.” ]

[ the song and cartoon are in the style of PBS’ “Schoolhouse Rock” cartoons. Rocky, in “SR” suit and cape, turns the stone “School Room Rock” title into “Conspiracy Theory Rock.” As a group of children enters the “schoolroom” Rocky puts his fingers to his lips as if to say “Shh!” ]

Singers:
“Schoolroom Rocky’s back on the block
With Conspiracy Theory Rock

It’s a media-opoly. A media-opoly.”

[ logos of the five major corporations–GE, Westinghouse, Disney, Fox and Time-Warner, each with eight octopus legs–sit at a banquet table with the logos of media corporations–ABC, CNN, TV Guide, the NBC peacock, the CBS eye–served up as food on plates ]

Singers:
“The whole media’s controlled by a few corporations.
Thanks to deregulation by the FCC.”

[ the Westinghouse logo eats the CBS eye, GE gobbles up the NBC peacock, Fox eats TV Guide, Mickey Mouse eats ABC, under which is the title “DEREGULATION!” A bearded hippy sees this on TV and asks: ]

Hippy: You mean Disney, Fox, Westinghouse and good ol’ GE?

Singers: “They own networks from CBS to CNBC.”

[ the logos’ tentacles are shown holding various conquests: Military Jet Engines, nuclear reactors, Radioactive waste, Cable TV, Music, Surveillance Radar, Bass Petroleum ]

Hippy [ sings ]
“They can use them to say whatever they please
And put down the opinions of anyone who disagrees.”

[ Peter Jennings on World News Tonight wears Mickey Mouse ears. Dan Rather on CBS reports in front of a SUPER: “WASHER-DRYERS IMPROVE SEX”. On the Today Show, Matt Lauer covers a protest sign at the window that reads “GE POISONS ENVIRONMENT” so that it reads “GE LOVES YOU” ]

Singers: “Or stuff about PCBs”

Hippy: What are PCBs?

Singers: “They come from electric power plants built by Westinghouse and GE.”

[ a nuclear factory with the Westinghouse and GE logos interchanging produces smoke with the letters PCB. ]

Hippy: [ sings ]
“They can give you lots of cancer
That can hurt your body”

[ inside a factory worker breathes in the letters, sneezes and his nose tears off. ]

Singers:
“But on network TV
You’ll rarely hear anything bad about the nuclear industry”

[ the Logo Octopi are shown holding media logos, nuclear factories, B-1 bombers, power plants, etc. The NBC peacock kisses one of the nuclear factories. The CBS eye winks at Westinghouse ]

Hippy: Like when Westinghouse was sued for fraud?

[ newspaper headline reads “NEVADA POWER AND LIGHT SUES WESTINGHOUSE.” The CBS eye jumps in and gawks at the headline. ]

Kids: “Which time?”

[ A second paper enters with the headline: “WESTINGHOUSE IN PCB SUIT”. Each headline throughout is followed by a footnote number ]

Hippy: [ sings ] “When GE made defective bolts it was an unreported crime”

[ a newspaper headline reads “GE IN BOLT SCANDAL” The NBC peacock comes in and angrily soils the headline ]

Hippy: [ sings ]
“Or when it was boycotted for operating nuclear bomb plants
just to squeeze a dime…”

[ another paper pushes the bird aside and reads “1% OF CONSUMERS NOW BOYCOTTING GE”. A footnote after the headline reads at the bottom of the page: “Chicago Tribune 5-14-91” ]

Singers: “That’s a footnote, by the way.”

Hippy: [ sings ]”A footnote protects you from folks who doubt what you say.”

[ the NBC peacock sneers at the footnote ]

Hippy: [ banging the side of his head, sings ] “Now maybe the voices in my head will go away.”

Singers: “But the bigshots don’t care.
They’re all sitting pretty thanks to corporate welfare.”

[ the Logo Octopi sit in rocking chairs holding their network logos. Title reads “CORPORATE WELFARE” ]

Hippy: What’s that now?

Singers: “They get billions in subsidies from the government.It’s supposed to create jobs but that’s not how it’s spent.”

[ logos jump for joy among falling money. GE eats one of the bills.Westinghouse stands before rows of employees. It pushes down the top row of people who *ka-ching!* like a cash register and are replaced with the word DOWNSIZE ]

Singers: “They use PACs and soft money to support Congressmen
Who will vote for weapons programs again and again…”

[ GE has its arm around a gray-haired politician playing golf, then pulls down a placard, showing his face through it, reading FOR CONGRESS. The politician, now congressman, shakes hands with and hugs the famous SHR “Only a Bill” Bill which reads “Bomber Fund” ]

Singers: “And let them dump toxic waste where the young ones play.”

[ Westinghouse leans on a barrel of toxic waste that leaks near a playground of children ]

Hippy: [ sings ] “I hear GE made the bullets that shot JFK.”

[ GE hands Lee Harvey Oswald a handful of bullets then shakes his hand. Paper reads GE BEHIND ASSASSINATION with large “5” footnote accentuated. Footnote reads “MY UNCLE LARRY” ]

Singers:
“You contribute to this chain
Every time you buy a product
Sponsored on this show.”

[ GE huddles with Congressman, Nuclear Factory, Oswald, and holds up a television which reads “BUY LOTSA BEER.” A person throws down a bill and grabs the beer bottle from the TV. The TV opens up and a B-1 Bomber comes out ]

Hippy: [ sings ] “That’s what NBC doesn’t want you to know.”

[ the NBC peacock flies in and tries to cover the image ]

Singers: “So next time—”

[ screen goes blank and reads PLEASE STAND BY with NBC logo and a high-pitched tone. Letters begin to dance ]

Singers:
“‘Please stand by’
‘Please stand by’
It means there’s technical difficulty
Supposedly”

[ the bearded hippy lifts the graphic to reveal a group of homeless people ]

Singers:
“So if you see
A ‘Please Stand By’
You’ll know it’s all part of GE’s big lie.”

[ they wave dismissively and walk off towards the GE logo setting like the sun on the horizon ]

Singers:
“Why’d they take Norm MacDonald away?
Because he made too many jokes about O.J.,
but Lorne Michaels overruled.

Hippy: [ sings ]
Now don’t be fooled.
He and Marion Barry went to the same high school.”

[ the GE logo blinks then burns out. Fade ]

Thanks to George F. Higgs for this trnascript!

SNL Transcripts

Pretty Living

Gail Glesson…..Ana Gasteyer
Andrea Powers…..Julianne Moore
Helen Madden…..Molly Shannon

Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy! Hi! Hi, and welcome to “Pretty Living”. I’m Gail Gleeson!

Andrea Powers: And I’m Andrea Powers! We’ve got a fantastic show for you today!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, do we ever! We have fun, beauty and loads of fashion!

Andrea Powers: Speaking of fashion, you look great!

Gail Gleeson: Thank you! And you look great!

Andrea Powers: Thank you!

[ they laugh inanely ]

Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy!

Andrea Powers: Taking a compliment is really hard!

Gail Gleeson: Tell me about it!

Andrea Powers: Ever since I’ve been married, I can’t take a compliment. Not that my husband gives me any.

Gail Gleeson: [ the mood ruined ] Right. [ pause ] What do we have today?

Andrea Powers: Oh, se have such a fun show planned for you today!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, you said it! Dr. Moeny is gonna show us how to organize our tax receipts, and that is gonna be fantastic!

Andrea Powers: But right now, it’s time to meet our first guest, who happens to be an absolute delight.

Gail Gleeson: She sure is. In fact, she’s a licensed joyologist.

Andrea Powers: That’s right. She’s one of our favorite guests.

Gail Gleeson: And she has just released her new book, called “Dressing For Joy”.

Andrea Powers: Please help us welcome Helen Madden!

Gail Gleeson: Helen Madden!

[ Helen comes running and bouncing onto the set, kissing Gail and Andrea before sitting down ]

Helen Madden: Pretty Lady 1, Pretty Lady 2!

Gail Gleeson: Helen, you are having one heck of a year! How are you enjoying all of your success?

Helen Madden: [ raises her legs high in the air ] Oh, I love it! Iloveit, Iloveit, Iloveit, Iloveit!! I love it! I love it, I love ti, I love it!

Gail Gleeson: You really enjoy what you do!

Helen Madden: I love it!

Gail Gleeson: [ laughing ] Terrific! Terrific!

Helen Madden: I have to tell you – uh, as you know, I’m a joyologist. And it takes a lot of time and energy to stay joy-focused, and to teach others how to stay joy-focused. And I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I happen to be really, really, really, really, really good at it! I’m good at it! I’m really good at it!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, boy!

Andrea Powers: You know, it must feel really great to be good at something. [ fuming ] I wish I was really good at something.

[ the moment passes ]

Gail Gleeson: Now, Helen, how exactly did you move from joyologist to fashion expert?

Helen Madden: Excellent question, to the lady in the blue.

Gail Gleeson: Thank you!

Helen Madden: Uh.. I do a lot of public speaking. And at one recent speaking engagement, this young gal came up to me after my speech, and she said to me, “Helen Madden, I love all the things you had to say.” And she put her little hands on her hip, and she said, “But let me ask you this – how in the heck did you put together that cute outfit?”

Gail Gleeson: Ohhhh.. neat.. neat.

Andrea Powers: Helen, in your book you talk about fashion as a reflection of the inner self. Now, what does mean in terms of your wardrobe?

Helen Madden: A little Helen Madden secret – I love belts. [ twists herself around her chair ] I love ’em! I love ’em, I love ’em, I love ’em, I lvoe ’em! I’m a belt lady. I love belts, number one; vests, number two.

Gail Gleeson: Oohhh.. vests. Vests. Okay. Hey, I’ve got a great question. How does fashion affect your relationships?

Helen Madden: I recently started dating a gentleman who I’m very fond of.. uh.. Helen is a little bit on love! If you will! Okay! This gentlemen loves.. hats. He loves hats. So when I go out with him, I like to wear a classy hat, or a cap, or a little show biz chapeau, if you will

Gail Gleeson: How neat!

Helen Madden: Or a cowboy hat, a big cowboy hat. I like to make my man smile. I love it! I love it, I love it, I love it!

Andrea Powers: So get yourself a hat, ladies.

Gail Gleeson: Apparently, men love hats! [ giggles with delight ]

Andrea Powers: [ sullen ] Helen, I don’t like myself very much, so often I go out without a winter coat so people can see my pretty dress.

Gail Gleeson: [ annoyed ] Okay, that’s enough. [ changes subject ] Okay, evening wear?

Andrea Powers: Right, right. How do you go from daytime to nighttime? Do you change earrings, or shoes..?

Helen Madden: Well, I have to tell you, I’m not a 9-to-5 kind of lady, as you can probably see for yourself. And what I do is, me and Tres, my man, like to go out African rhythm dancing sometimes at night, get a little crazy. And what I like to do when I do that, is I wear a leopard unitard with a coat dress, or a sweatercoat with a hood and a belt. Okay? Because I like to let my body move the way it was meant to move, you know? I really like to get up and be womanly. I like to shake, to shake, to shake!

Gail Gleeson: Oh, neat!

[ Helen demonstrates her dance moves, as Gail and Andrea join in ]

Gail Gleeson: Stay tuned, we’ll be right back with Dr. Money!

[ fade out ]

[ dissolve to the SNL Band, Lenny Pickett leading the band on saxophone ]

[ suddenly, Kenneth Starr enters, taps Lenny’s shoulder and cuts the band off ]

Kenneth Starr: I’m Kenneth Starr, I’m the Independent Counsel, and I’m serving you with this subpeona.

Lenny Pickett: [ flustered ] Uh.. can I finish this song first?

Kenneth Starr: No. Guys? [ motions for some federal agents to haul Lenny away ] Everyone, just carry on.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 17th, 1998

Sarah Michelle Geller

Portishead

None

Portishead, “Only You”

Unabomber Defense Plan

Ted Kaczynski (Will Ferrell) forgoes legal help to defend himself in court.

Recurring Characters: Ted Kaczynski.

The View

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Meredith Viera, Starr Jones, Debbie Matanopolous.

Dr. John Gray

Dr. John Gray (Norm MacDonald) exhibits role confusion in Mars/Venus commercial.

Family Dinner

Family dinner erupts into dysfunctional brawl.

Eye On Nagano

Tara Lipinsky (Geller) demonstrates her new bad-girl image.

Goth Talk

Recurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss.

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Recurring Characters: O.J. Simpson.

The Robin Byrd Show

Recurring Characters: Robin Byrd.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Seinfeld” is re-introduced with a new “Buffy” format.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

George Costanza…..Darrell Hammond
Jerry Seinfeld…..Will Ferrell
Cosmo Kramer…..Jim Breuer
Buffy…..Sarah Michelle Gellar

[Open on Seinfeld logo]

Announcer: “Seinfeld” is going off the air. [The logo disappears as a TV turning off. A question mark comes into view] Wondering what to watch on Thursday Nights? [The WB logo comes into view] This fall, it’s The WB that’s must see! [The WB logo becomes a watermark on the bottom right of the screen, revealing the Buffy logo] You’ll forget all about “Seinfeld”, because “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” is moving to Thursday Nights at 9 PM! And it’s got a whole new look! [Fade to shots of New York at night] Buffy’s in New York City now, and she’s facing a whole new vampire threat!

[Fade to Jerry Seinfeld’s apartment. The familiar bass lick plays. George is sitting on the couch. Jerry emerges from the kitchen.]

George: Jerry, how was your date with Cindy the other night?

Jerry: It was great, except for one thing…

George: What?

Jerry: One of her fangs is longer than the other one!

George: She has a freak fang?

Jerry: She has a freak fang!

George: Oh!

Jerry: She has an asymetrical fang situation!

George: Yeah?

Jerry: I was watching her eat, and it almost made me sick!

[Fade to shots of vampires in the city at night]

Announcer: Hell spawned creatures of evil, feasting on innocent human souls!

[Fade back to the apartment]

Jerry: Anyway, I got a date. I’ll…I gotta jump in the shower.

George: Hey, you know what you should try? Before you take a shower, turn into a bat. Shower as a bat.

Jerry: Why would I shower as a bat?

George: So you can save water! You’re a bat, you’re smaller, you save water in the shower, it’s genius!

Jerry: Who showers as a bat? How do you lather, rinse, repeat, when you’re a bat?

[Kramer enters the apartment and is greeted with audience applause]

Kramer: Hey, Jerry! I, uh…need to borrow your tape measure!

[Kramer goes into the kitchen, moving around spastically. He inadvertently knocks all the cereal off the shelf]

Jerry: What do you need a tape measure for?

Kramer: Listen to this, Jerry! I’m, uh…turning my whole apartment into one big coffin! That way I can sleep anywhere I want!

[Fade to shots of the city]

Announcer: When you’re a vampire slayer on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, terror lurks around every corner!

[Fade back to the apartment. The intercom buzzer rings. Jerry pushes the button]

Jerry: Who is it?

Buffy (V/O): It’s Buffy!

Jerry: Come on up!

[Jerry unlocks the door. Buffy enters, dressed–and whining–exactly like Elaine Benes. She shoves Jerry a few times.]

Buffy: Ugh! I had the worst day today! Hellooooo!

Jerry: What happened? Did you only slay five of my friends?

Buffy: [sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha, ha, no! Ugh, there’s this new vampire temp at work, and he is so annoying! [Buffy takes a water bottle out of the fridge] He makes this slurping noise when he sucks blood…all day long, it’s [slurp, slurp]

George: Wait, you’re working with a blood slurper?

Jerry: Maybe Blood Slurper should go out with Freak Fang. They’d make a perfect pair!

[Buffy shrugs her shoulders. Fade to a Seinfeld-style Buffy logo, as a bass lick plays again.]

Announcer: Thursdays at 9, catch the all-new “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”! It’s a show about nothing! And vampires!

Submitted by: doggans

SNL Transcripts

Family Dinner Argument

Dad…..Will Ferrell
Daughter…..Sarah Michelle Geller
Mom…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on suburban family sitting at the dinner table ]

[ family makes a lot of noise with their forks and knives as the eat in disturbing silence ]

Dad: [ breaking silence ] How was school today, dear?

Daughter: Fine.

Mom: Did you have band practice today, or was Mr. Larson still sick?

Daughter: No, he’s still sick.

[ they continue to eat in silence, banging their knives and forks together as they eat ]

Dad: [ craving attention ] I had a.. funny thing happen today at work. When I left the office, I had trouble unlocking my car. Then I realized I had the wrong set of keys.

Mom: Did somebody take your keys?

Dad: [ annoyed ] Can I finish the story? [ pauses in stern silence ] It turns out that I had accidentally taken Jeff Peabody’s keys, and.. he had taken mine. We.. really had a long laugh.

Mom: Mmm, I thought that’s who took them..

Dad: Will you ever let me finish a damn story?!

Mom: I-I just assumed that Jeff Peabody –

Dad: I would love to finish one damn story!

Daughter: Your stories are lame, Dad!

Dad: [ angry ] You do not talk to me like that!

Mom: Do not raise your voice!

Shut up!!

Dad: You do not talk to me like that!

Daughter: I cannot believe –

Dad: I am a Division Manager!! That is very important!! That is very important!! You don’t talk to me like that!! People are scared of me!!

Daughter: Why would anybody be scared of you! I hate you, you big fat terd!

[ stunned, they continue to eat in awkward, confned silence ]

Mom: I spoke with Paula’s mother this afternoon.

Daughter: So?

Mom: I guess Paula’s really excited about the sleepover tomorrow night.

Daughter: Oh, shut up, you drunken witch!

[ they return to silence ]

Dad: Did you pick up my dry cleaning?

Mom: Hmm, it’s not ready until Thursday.

Dad: I thought you said it’d be ready today?

Mom: No, it’s going to be ready Thursday.

Dad: You know, I have that big meeting tomorrow.

Mom: Well, I’m sorry.

Dad: I wish you weren’t a liar!

Mom: I didn’t lie, Ted.

Dad: I wish you weren’t a liar!

Mom: I wish you wouldn’t call me a liar!

Dad: Don’t raise your voice at me!

Mom: I am not raising my voice!

Dad: You do not talk to me like that!! I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard!! I’m a Division Manager in charge of 49 people!! I drive a Dodge Stratus!!

[ their screaming comes to an end, as the agonizing silence returns ]

Mom: Honey, do you want to go to Pottery class with me this weekend?

Daughter: I wish you were dead!

[ awkward silence, a struggle for a normal conversion ]

Dad: I’m gonna take the car into the shop tomorrow.

Daughter: You mean your lame Dodge Stratus?

Dad: You don’t talk about my car that way!!

Mom: Dear Lord..

Dad: I drive a Dodge Stratus!! You don’t talk about my Dodge Stratus that way!!

Daughter: Shut up!

Dad: You do not talk to your father that way!! I am a Division Manager!! I can do 100 push-ups in twenty minutes!!

Daughter: I’m going to Rob’s house! I hate you – both!

[ Daughter storms out of the house ]

[ Dad grabs daughter’s plate, and seperates her food between him and Mom ]

Dad: This chicken is delicious.

Mom: It’s a recipe from Lipton Cup-a-Soup.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts