Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 10

96j: Kevin Spacey / Beck

Janet Reno’s Dance Party

Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Donna Shalaya…..Kevin Spacey

[ open on teenagers dancing with Janet Reno in her basement ]

[ Music Open: “My Sharona”, The Knack ]

Janet Reno: [ music stops ] Hi, I’m Janet Reno, coming to you live from in my basement. Welcome to “Janet Reno’s Dance Party”. I really like dancing to that one. I wanna dance to that one again! [ music plays, Janet dances some more ] Oh, I’m on fire! I’m on fire! Bucky, WHERE’S my towel?!! [ stagehand Bobby hands Janet a towel ] Thank you! Bobby’s a really good friend, and a wonderful gourmet cook. He’s been with me for thirteen years. I’ve spent many nights crying on his shoulder, he’s fantastic! Thank you, Bucky. Hey! I wanna dance some more! Play that song again! [ music plays, Janet dances ]

President Bill Clinton: [ opens basement door ] Janet, it’s your Preisdent! President Clinton here! Janet, we want you to come on home, we’re worried about you in Washington! You know we love you! You just stop this Dance Party madness, and come on with us!

Janet Reno: [ notices Bill at the top of the stairs ] Who are you?!!

President Bill Clinton: Who am I? I’m your President! Yeah! Janet, I’m not sure what’s driving you, but I want you to know that no one holds you responsible for the events that transpired at Waco!

Janet Reno: Waco?! Dance Party takes AWAY Waco!! Now, GET OUT!! [ Clinton exits, music ends ] Okay, now it’s time for a Spotlight Dance with my very special guest. Would you please welcome Secretary of Health and Human Services, Donna Shalaya. [ Sonna enters basement ] Donna? Donna, thanks for coming to the Dance Party.

Donna Shalaya: My pleasure, Janet!

Janet Reno: Now, before we beign, you look lovely tonight. Why don’t you tell the viewers what you’re wearing?

Donna Shalaya: Well, Janet, I’m wearing a dark blue blazer with matching skirt, pearls, and brown shoes.

Janet Reno: You look like a pretty little China doll. I just want to put you up on my shelf, and dust you and look at you. But promise me one thing. Promise me you won’t let them break you.

Donna Shalaya: I promise, Janet.

Janet Reno: Okay, great, Donna. Tell me what song you’ve selected for our Spotlight Dance.

Donna Shalaya: I selected “Songbird” by Kenny G.

Janet Reno: That’s wonderful, Donna. But there’s no chance in Hell we’re gonna hear it! Play my song! [ “My Sharona” kicks up again, as the lights go dim and Janet and Donna hold each other tight for their Spotlight Dance – music stops ] That was really special. Thank you, Bucky, for holding the light, and thank you, Donna, for the wonderful dance.

Donna Shalaya: Well, thank you, Janet, I had a wonderful time! [ exits ]

Janet Reno: Donna Shalaya, everyone. [ teens clap ] Boy, if I could bottle that, I’d make a million bucks – easy! Now, dancing with us all today has been the Senior Class from Ridgeway High. [ teens cheer loudly ] Shut up! Shut up! Do you kids like to dance? [ kids cheer ] Shut it! Shut it now! Now, let’s get one thing straight. You’re all my guests here in my home! If I catch any of you forming a mosh pit, I swear to God I’ll be laughing my ass off when you kids eat it Reno-style! Now, dance! [ music starts up again, the teens start to mosh ] No mosh pit! I said.. NO MOSH PIT!! [ to camera ] Join us next week when the “Dance Party” takes place on the deck of a battleship! Good night!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 10

96j: Kevin Spacey / Beck

Goodnights

…..Kevin Spacey

Kevin Spacey: My thanks to Beck, Michael Palin and John Cleese! The entire cast of “Saturday Night Live”, and all the writers! I had a wonderful week! Go watch “Albino Alligator” this Friday, opening in a theater near you! Thank you all for coming! Happy New Year!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 10

96j: Kevin Spacey / Beck

Late Show With David Letterman

David Letterman…..Norm MacDonald
Paul Shaffer…..Mark McKinney
William Hurt…..Kevin Spacey

[ Music Intro: “Start Me Up” ]

David Letterman: Alright.. okay, kids,welcome back to the big show, folks! So, Paul, I’m on the subway today, uh.. you, you, you ever been on the subway, Paul?

Paul Shaffer: Uh.. subway. Subway, right. Yeah.

David Letterman: Yeah! Yeah! So, this guy walks up to me, he looks me right in the eye, he gives me one of these: [ mimicking ] “Uh.. uh.. you got any gum?” Hahaha-haaa!! [ mimicking ] “Uh.. uh.. you got any gum?” Hahaha-haaa!

Paul Shaffer: Ah ha-haha-haha! Yeah, so, uh, he asked you for some gum.

David Letterman: Ah, that’s right! [ makes face for the audience ] Alright, in a couple of seconds, William Hurt will be out here, kids, and Blues Traveler. Later on, actor Robert Wuhl will be joining us. Hey, you hear that, Paul? Robert Wuhl will be out here! Do you enjoy his work, Paul?

Paul Shaffer: Yeah! Bob Wuhl! Good. Yeah.

David Letterman: Yeah. Well, you know, he’s on a new program over there on the HBO. Do you, do you enjoy the HBO, Paul?

Paul Shaffer: Yeah. HBO. Cable. Great. Yeah.

David Letterman: Yeah, well, he’s got a show over there called “Arli$$”.. and he plays, uh.. he plays Arli$$. Do you, do you enjoy the “Arli$$” show, Paul?

Paul Shaffer: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah.

David Letterman: Yeah, well.. he’s Arli$$.

Paul Shaffer: Oh, yeah! Yeah, he’s Arli$$. He plays Arli$$ on the show.

David Letterman: [ suddenly ] Hahaha-haaaa!! Well, anyway, he’s gonna be out in a little while! [ tugs his collar and wipes sweat off his brow with index card ] Arli$$! Ha ha haaa!! Can you imagine such a thing, Paul? Ah ha ha ha!! Haa haa! [ laughter segues into fake head-down coughing ] Arli$$! Ha ha! Okay, kids, our first guest, you’ve seen in such films as “The Big Chill” and “Broadcast News”. Now he’s a star in the runaway box office smash, “Michael”. Please welcome back to the program, William Hurt. William! [ William Hurt enters, played in with “Hurt So Good” ] Ahhh.. let me just say, William, before we begin, I saw your new picture, “Michael”, and by gosh I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed it. Just a fine piece of work, and it must have been very satisfying for you.

William Hurt: Well, thank you. I’m very proud of this film. When I first read it, I just fell in love with the script, you know? It is a life-affirming story about an angel, who is a sort of cellestial rescuer of lives, you know? I guess we have all gone adrift in some way, you know? He has us just embrace the small miracles in some way..

David Letterman: [ bored, interrupts ] “Uh.. uh.. you got any gum?”

William Hurt: What?

David Letterman: “Uh.. uh.. you got any gum?” Ha haaa!!

Paul Shaffer: Ah ha ha ha!

David Letterman: Ah ha ha! Let me ask you this: you’re a bigshot actor, you do like 90 films a year. Now, that seems to me like just a Herculian task.

William Hurt: Well, it’s not so hard, when you are working with fine performers who are generous, you know?

David Letterman: Yeah, yeah, I imagine, sure.

William Hurt: Andie MacDowell’s performance in this movie really drove the story..

David Letterman: Oh-ho, Andie MacDowell! Did Andie MacDowell ever give you one of these? [ starts mimicking boxer moves ] Ha haa!! Huh? Hee hee! Can you imagine such a thing? Just, boom! Boom! Ha ha ha haaa!!

Paul Shaffer: Ah ha, ha ha ha ha!

William Hurt: What is your trip?

David Letterman: Hee hee-ee-ee!! Okay, now, when you play a character that experiences such an epithany in a film like this, as an actor, now that transformation has to be quite taxing on you.

William Hurt: Yes, well, you can’t underestimate the value of what it means to get inside of a character..

David Letterman: Oh, oh, hey! Let me ask you this: Do you enjoy the “Arli$$” show?

William Hurt: What?

David Letterman: “Arli$$”! Ha ha ha ha!! [ tugs collar, smiles ] “Uh.. uh.. uh.. you got any gum?” Ha ha ha ha!

William Hurt: Why do you keep asking me if I have gum?

David Letterman: Now, I understand that you have a clip. Would youl ike to set up your clip?

William Hurt: Well, yes. This is a scene from the movie, “Michael”, in which I play..

[ music starts playing ]

David Letterman: Oh, oh, oh! You know what that sound means, folks! Every once in a while we like to go into the street and do something we call, “Can You Sell Me A Hot Dog?” Paul?

Paul Shaffer: [ sings game theme song ]
Hey, man, don’t wanna buy a frank!
Don’t wanna buy a weiner!
Don’t wanna buy a brat,
But, hey, Mister,
Can you sell me a hot, hot, hot, hot dog? Yeah!”

[ cut to clip of Letterman on the street by a vendor cart ]

David Letterman: Can you sell me a hot dog? [ vendor hands him a hot dog, Letterman smiles to the camera ]

[ cut back to the studio ]

Paul Shaffer: Hey, Mister,
Can you sell me a hot dog? Yeah!”

David Letterman: Alright, there you go! Now, sorry about that, William, you were setting up a clip.

William Hurt: Yes. Well, this is a scene in the film where I finally accept the angel, and all his power. And I experience a catharsis!

David Letterman: Oh, well, that sounds great, let’s roll a clip. This is from the motion picture, “Michael”.

[ clip shows Paul sitting, Letterman standing with fake wings on his back ]

David Letterman: “Uh.. uh.. you got any gum?” [ Paul shakes head ]

[ cut back to the studio ]

David Letterman: Ha ha haaa!! Looks like a great film! Hey! That’s all the time we have, folks! My apologies to Blues Traveler and Robert Wuhl! Good night, everybody! [ stands up, removes jacket, and exits studio, as William Hurt remains stunned ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 10

96j: Kevin Spacey / Beck

Kevin Spacey’s Monologue

…..Kevin Spacey

Kevin Spacey: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a great opportunity to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I think it’s really a perfect fit for me because when you hear the name Kevin Spacey, you think one word: comedy. And now that I have the laugh market cornered, I thought I’d take a few minutes and show you Kevin Spacey’s sentimental side. This is an old favorite of mine.
[ he picks up microphone, sits on stool, and sings “In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning”, as the following SUPERS roll by: ]

[ SUPER: “We know what you’re thinking.
This is stupid.” ]

[ SUPER: “The only reason we allowed Kevin Spacey to sing this song is because he threatened us.
Seriously.” ]

[ SUPER: “He is a very sick individual with severe emotional problems.
For example, he demanded a seperate dressing room for “The bad Kevin.”
Kevin Spacey also has a history of violent behavior.” ]

[ SUPER: “Dennis Hopper has refused to work with him.” ]

[ SUPER: “During Thursday’s rehearsal, Kevin stuck a gun in Norm MacDonald’s mouth.
Needless to say, Norm didn’t like it.
According to his court-appointed psychiatrist, you “should avoid making any sudden movements around Kevin Spacey.”
Last night a crew member accidentally dropped a cue card.
Kevin responded by shoving Don Pardo down a flight of stairs.
And then he stuck a gun in Norm MacDonald’s mouth.
The next time you see one of his movies, just remember that Kevin Spacey plays psychos…
Because he really is a psycho.” ]

[ song ends ]

Call me crazy, but I like that song. We got a great show tonight. Beck is here, so stick around. We’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 10

96j: Kevin Spacey / Beck

Mr. Peepers

Mr. Peepers…..Chris Kattan
Dr. Dowden…..Kevin Spacey
Assistant…..Will Ferrell

(open on lab with SUPER : BORMAN LABORATORIES, E. Brunswick, New Jersey)

Dr. Dowden: Well, almost finished. Hurry up. We’ve got a lot of monkeys to examine. We’re done with him, put him back in the cage.

Assistant: But he hasn’t been fed yet.

Dr. Dowden: I don’t care. You should know that you’re the third assistant I’ve had this month. I fired the other two because they were stupid incompetents. So you will do exactly as I say and only exactly as I say, or you, too, will be fired. (slowly, in a handicapped voice) Do you understand me?

Assistant: Yes, Dr. Dowden

Dr. Dowden: And put Roscoe back in his cage. (Assistant has a tough time closing the cage) Oh, and I see closing cages is beyond your mental capacity, idiot. Get me the monkey in cage number 5.

(Assistant goes to cage number 5 to reveal Mr. Peepers, a man/monkey boy dressed in red overalls, he picks up Mr. Peepers and brings him to the doctor)

Dr. Dowden: All Right, Mr. Peepers. Never seen this one before. (Reading off chart) “Possible missing link. Discovered in the Brazilian Rainforest.” (Peepers hangs upside down while dangling on the assistant) What are you doing?

Assistant: I’m sorry, doctor. What am I supposed to do?

Dr. Dowden: (slowly, mocking him) I don’t know what am I supposed to do. (his voice) Put him on the stool, you idiot! (he places Peepers on the stool, as Peeper’s begins to babble “Bah” over and over) And shut that monkey up!

Assistant: Doctor, I’m not sure what —

Dr. Dowden: Oh, you are just useless. I’ll do it. No Peepers, no! No! No! Give him an apple! (Peepers grabs the apple and starts chewing rapidly and spitting out the pieces. Meanwhile Dr. Dowden begins examining him.) Let’s look at the ears. (check ears) Ears look all right Let’s look at the teeth! Let me look at your teeth! Let me look at your teeth! (checks teeth) God, this Peepers beast reeks. You check his eyes.

Assistant: (goes to check Peeper’s eyes, only to have Peeper’s acting difficult) I – I can’t, he won’t let me.

Dr. Dowden: Oh, you are so useless! I’ll do it! Peepers watch! (He begins snapping his fingers back and forth, testing Peepers’ eye movement) There, that’s how you do it.

Assistant: Doctor, do you think we should —

Dr. Dowden: I’m not paying you to think —

Mr. Peepers: (in the doctor’s face) BAH!

Dr. Dowden: You shut your little monkey mouth! You want a piece of me? Shut up! Shut it! Bah! (they exchange “bah”‘s back and forth as Peepers pushes the doctor) Oh, you little bastard!

(Peepers jumps off the stool and begins to jump off the walls)

Dr. Dowden: Get that monkey, would you?

Assistant: Okay.

(Peepers dances around, the assistant is unable to grab hold of him)

Dr. Dowden: Well, don’t just stand there! Get him!

Assistant: I’m trying!

Dr. Dowden: You are so fired if you don’t get that little critter!

(Peepers runs towards the other way and jumps onto an examining table. After a few seconds of struggle, he latches his mouth onto the assistant)

Dr. Dowden: Oh, my God! Don’t move! (Peepers begins a series of blowing on the assistant’s face, an attack mechanism)

Assistant: What should I do?

Dr. Dowden: Well for starters, shut up. You have violated this monkey’s sense of space. Mr. Peeper’s is now in attack mode. Any sudden movement and he will bite your head off! So, very very slowly — very slowly turn your head away. Turn your head away very slowly. (The assistant begins to turn his head away from an attacking Mr. Peepers) Turn your – easy, easy, very slow — ah, oh oh! (Peepers releases himself off the assistant and begins to jump on the doctor, humping him)

Assistant: Oh, my God! (he rushes for the phone, picks up and yells) Code blue, code blue! Mr. Peepers is humping Dr. Dowden! Send help now! this is horrible!

Dr. Dowden: You get him off of me right now or you are SO fired!

(Peepers continues to hump Dr. Dowden while the assistant continues to get help on the phone. Audience applause we fade out)

Submitted by: Benjamin LaBaron

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 10

96j: Kevin Spacey / Beck

“Star Wars” 20th Anniversary Home Video I

Voice of Director…..Will Ferrell
Christopher Walken…..Kevin Spacey
Richard Dreyfus…..Darrell Hammond
Walter Matthau…..Kevin Spacey
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Barbra Streisand…..Ana Gasteyer
Jack Lemmon…..Kevin Spacey

Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Two decades ago George Lucas’ science fiction epic STAR WARS captured the imagination of the world.” Now, the 20th Anniversary re-release is available on home video, with spectacular new footage like these never-before-seen screen tests.

Voice of Director: Christopher Walken, Han Solo screen test. Okay, Chris, whenever you’re ready.
Christopher Walken: “I’m Captain of.. the Millenium.. Falcon. Chewie here.. tells me.. you’re looking for passage.. to the.. alderaan system.”

Voice of Director: “Yes, indeed, It’s a fast ship.”

Christopher Walken: “Fast.. ship? You’ve never heard.. of the.. millenium falcon? It’s the ship.. that made the kessel run.. in less than.. 12 parsecs. She’s.. fast enough.. for you.. old man..” That sucked! I’m sorry.. [ turns and walks away ] You know.. I had it..

[ cut to next screen test ]

Voice of Director: C-3PO screen test. Okay, C-3PO.. I’m sorry. Who’s in there?

Richard Dreyfus: It’s Richard Dreyfus! [ removes mask ] Damn you! I told you I didn’t want to wear the damn mask!

Voice of Director: Okay. Just do the scene. “What I really need is a droid who understands The binary language of moisture vaporators.”

Richard Dreyfus: “Vaporators? Sir, my first job was programming binary load lifters. Very similar to your vaporators in most respects.”

Voice of Director: Thank you very much.

Richard Dreyfus: [ upset ] Listen, I can do that better, okay?

Voice of Director: Thanks, but we’ve got all we need..

Richard Dreyfus: Look! I don’t need this! I was in “Jaws”, okay?!

Voice of Director: Okay. Thanks.

[ cut to next screen test ]

Voice of Director: Walter Matthau, Obi Wan Kenobi screen test. Alright, Walter, here we go. “I’ve never heard of them Hitting anything this big before.”

Walter Matthau: “They didn’t. But we are meant to think they did. These tracks are side-by-side. Sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

Voice of Director: “These are the same Jawas that sold us R2 and 3PO.”

Walter Matthau: [ confused ] Jawas? What the hell is this picture about, anyway?

Voice of Director: Well, Walter, it’s a space adventure about a magical force, and all the people and creatures that..

Walter Matthau: Oh, Christ! [ walks off ]

Voice of Director: Walter? Walter?

Announcer: “Star Wars”, the 20th Anniversary home video. Available at video stores everywhere.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 10

96j: Kevin Spacey / Beck

“Star Wars” 20th Anniversary Home Video II

Voice of Director…..Will Ferrell
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Barbra Streisand…..Ana Gasteyer
Jack Lemmon…..Kevin Spacey

Voice of Director: Burt Reynolds, Darth Vader screen test. Alright, we’re rolling.

Burt Reynolds: Fire away!

Voice of Director: Uh, Burt? We need the helmet. [ Burt puts on helmet ] “Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes. Or given you clairvoyance enough To find the rebels’ hidden fortress.” [ Burt stands motionless ] Uh, Burt? You’re supposed to strangle the guy now.

Burt Reynolds: Oh, what, like.. go over there and choke him?

Voice of Director: No. No, you kind of twist your fingers at him.

Burt Reynolds: Ah. I don’t get it.

Voice of Director: You see.. you have this mystical power.

Burt Reynolds: Let me ask you a question. [ clears throat ] What kind of car does this guy drive?

[ cut to next screen test ]

Voice of Director: Alright. Barbra Streisand, Princess Leia screen test. Okay, whenever you’re ready, Barbra.

Barbra Streisand: [ manic ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”

Voice of Director: Barbra? you’re gonna want to take that wa-a-ay down.

Barbra Streisand: More?

Voice of Director: Yeah.

Barbra Streisand: I can do that.

Voice of Director: Okay. Whenever you’re ready.

Barbra Streisand: [ more manic than before ] “This is our most desperate hour! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!”

Voice of Director: Okay, thanks.

Barbra Streisand: I didn’t get the part, did I?

[ cut to next screen test ]

Voice of Director: Jack Lemmon, Chewbacca screen test. Take one.

Jack Lemmon: [ holding up his mask ] Okay, excuse me. Before we put the spaghetti in the machine, can someone tell me what the hell one of these Chewbacca things is?

Voice of Director: Well, uh.. he’s a Wookie, Jack.

Jack Lemmon: A what? A what the hell is a Wookie?

Voice of Director: Uh.. it’s like a space ape.

Jack Lemmon: [ pissed ] Oh, that’s terrific! You had me drive all the way from Beverly Hills to play a fu–kin’ space ape?!

Voice of Director: Uh.. just put the mask on..

Jack Lemmon: I’m gonna take a dump in this fu–in’ damn mask, that’s what I’m gonna do!

Voice of Director: Jack, would you please put it on..

Jack Lemmon: Why can’t I audition for Obi-Wan? You got Matthau screen testing! I’d be a terrific Obi-Wan!

Voice of Director: Would you please put the mask on?

Jack Lemmon: Aw, f–k yourself!

Announcer: “Star Wars”, the 20th Anniversary home video. Available at video stores everywhere.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 18th, 1997

David Alan Grier

Snoop Doggy Dogg

None

Genitalia Line-Up

Paula Jones (Cheri Oteri) picks out President Clinton’s (Darrell Hammond) genitalia.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Ted Kennedy.

David Alan Grier’s Monologue

Grier sings “Let’s Get Butt-Naked In The White House”.

Death Row Bloopers & Practical Jokes

The wacky genre is carried over to federal prison venue.

20/20

Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) offends Snoop Doggy Dogg during interview.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Waiting To Exhale

Guys (Grier, Tim Meadows, Tracy Morgan) share tears watching “Waiting To Exhale”.

Both Sides with Jesse Jackson

Kincaid (Ana Gasteyer) is little help during discussion on Ebonics.

Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson, Kincaid.

The Rocky Roads

Rocky Roads (Grier, Will Ferrell, Tim Meadows, Ana Gasteyer) return for assembly.

Recurring Characters: The Rocky Roads.

Maya Angelou Endorses Butterfingers

Maya Angelou (Grier) is poetic in her love for Butterfingers.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Colin Quinn refuses to apologize to Michael Irvin.

Ex-Porn Stars Don Wong & Reggie Owens

Wong (Jim Breuer) & Owens (Tracy Morgan) try to adapt as fast food workers.

Recurring Characters: Don Wong, Reggie Owens.

Maya Angelou Endorses Froot Loops!

Poetic Angelou (Grier) praises the wonders of Froot Loops!

Shopping At Home Network

Don (Will Ferrell) & Eddie (Chris Kattan) would rather die than sell product cheaply.

Recurring Characters: Don, Eddie.

TV Funhouse

Live-action footage of a dog’s daily routine.

Bill Gates

Recurring Characters: Bill Gates.

Maya Angelou Endorses Pennzoil

More product praise from poet Angelou (Grier).

Maya Angelou Endorses Butterfingers

Maya Angelou…..David Alan Grier

Announcer: And now, Maya Angelou… for “Butterfingers”.

Maya Angelou: The wind. The rain. The fire.

The Butterfinger.

Did the Caveman know your delicious goodness?
Did the Mayan Priest exhalt in your buttery crunchiness?
Did the slothful Mastodon, upon his extinction, declare,
“Don’t lay a finger on my Butterfinger?”

Oh, you finger of butter!
You proud confection!
Sugar brown roasted peanuts,
fructose, glucose, sucrose, lactose,
partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil.
Crispity, crunchity, peanut buttery–

I… give… myself… to… you.

Butterfinger.

Glad mantle of golden chocolaty hope upon my breast.

(Smile)

Thanks to Kevin Alexander Boyd for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Maya Angelou Endorses Froot Loops

Maya Angelou…..David Alan Grier

Announcer: And now, Maya Angelou… for “Froot Loops”.

Maya Angelou: Toucan Sam, you leap on the back of the wind, load stone to assorted fruit flavors, Phoenix of the dawns, one smile. We gave you, Toucan Sam, life. You, Toucan Sam, give us loops of fruit. Fruity loops, Fruit Loopies, swimming in the churning, frothy mother sea of milk, Kellogg’s appreciates consumer comments, P. O. Box 221, Battle Creek, Michigan, a prism of fruity color, a cornocopia of over forty fruity tastes. The orange, the apple, the grape, the pomegrante, the quince, the kumkwat, the kiwi, the planitain, the guava…

Announcer: This has been Maya Angelou… for “Froot Loops”.

Thanks to Tony Dumont for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts