Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 14

96n: Alec Baldwin / Tina Turner

Bill Brasky’s Funeral

First Friend of Brasky … Mark McKinney
Second Friend of Brasky … Will Ferrell
Third Friend of Brasky … Alec Baldwin
Woman … Ana Gasteyer
Fourth Friend of Brasky … Tim Meadows

[Fade in on an image of a building with a signreading: McKAY FUNERAL HOME. Somber organ music plays.Dissolve to the interior where a man and woman standbehind a huge wooden casket paying tearful lastrespects. In the background, other mourners sit inchairs awaiting the start of the funeral. The mankisses the woman, they cross themselves and exit leftjust as another couple enter from the right, brieflypay their respects and take a seat with the others.

Next, three mumbling members of the Brasky Bunchenter, drinking from large glasses half full ofliquor, and line up at the casket as if it were thecountertop of a bar. The cigarette-smoking FirstFriend of Brasky puts an ashtray on the casket. TheSecond Friend of Brasky carries a bottle. The ThirdFriend of Brasky wears a hat and also smokes acigarette. They speak loudly, slurring their wordsdrunkenly throughout:]

Third Friend of Brasky: I can’t believe he’sgone!

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman inthe office!

Second Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky was ason-of-a-bitch!

Third Friend of Brasky: I’m gonna misshim!

Second Friend of Brasky: [proposing a toast] ToBill Brasky!

All Three: [raising their glasses] BillBrasky!

Third Friend of Brasky: A ten foot monster whoslept with all of our wives!

Second Friend of Brasky: And he punched us allin the face!

First Friend of Brasky: And we LOVED him forit!

Third Friend of Brasky: He had a four day heartattack!

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, a day for everychamber!

Second Friend of Brasky: When they did theautopsy, they said his heart was like a basketballfilled with ricotta cheese!

Third Friend of Brasky: They found sixtydollars in change in his stomach!

First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman inthe office!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Third Friend of Brasky: I remember one timeBrasky took his family to Sea World–

First Friend of Brasky: I’m wearing adiaper!

Third Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause]Anyway, they were watching Shamu the whale when Braskygot splashed!

Second Friend of Brasky: [speaksincoherently]

Third Friend of Brasky: Right. So Brasky yells,”I’m Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet!” So he climbsinto the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale intothe audience, splashes him and yells, “How do you likeit?!” And then damn if Brasky didn’t step in there andfinish the show!

Second Friend of Brasky: That’s just likeBrasky!

First Friend of Brasky: You know, he wouldshoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe.

Third Friend of Brasky: He did all the make-upon the Planet of the Apes movies.

Second Friend of Brasky: He taught – he taughtme how to love a woman – and how to scold achild.

First Friend of Brasky: He had dandruff thesize of mice!

Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell youabout the time Brasky took me out to go get a drinkwith him?

Third Friend of Brasky: I’m a convicted sexoffender!

Second Friend of Brasky: [after a pause]Anyways, we go off lookin’ for a bar and we can’t findone. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot andsays, “Here we are!” Well, we sat there for a year anda half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar aroundus!

First Friend of Brasky: P. J.McGinty’s!

Second Friend of Brasky: That’s right, that’sright! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered ashot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground.Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, “Alwaysleave things the way you found them!”

Third Friend of Brasky: He was a terribleman!

First Friend of Brasky: He once punched a holein a cow just so he could see who was comin’ up theroad.

Third Friend of Brasky: He had nine children,all of ’em boys!

Second Friend of Brasky: Hell, he sired abaseball team.

Third Friend of Brasky: An orchestra, if youcount the bastards!

Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Woman: [joins the three at the casket,whispering loudly] Excuse me, could you gentlemenplease keep it down? This is a funeral!

First Friend of Brasky: Oh! Sorry.

Third Friend of Brasky: Sorry, sorry. Hey, youmind gettin’ us some fresh ice there, girlie?

Woman: You are horrible men! [exits]

First Friend of Brasky: [continues withoutmissing a beat] Did I ever tell you about the time Ihad breakfast with Brasky?

Second Friend of Brasky: My Uncle Hal molestedme!

First Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause]Anyways, Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD withhis eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight.When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, “All inall, I prefer gin!”

Third Friend of Brasky: That’s just likeBrasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!

All Three: Bill Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: They say GeneRoddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Braskytalkin’ in his sleep!

Third Friend of Brasky: He once breast-fed aninjured flamingo back to health.

First Friend of Brasky: He used to jog aroundthe block with a fridge on his back!

Second Friend of Brasky: His poop is consideredcurrency in Argentina!

First Friend of Brasky: He loved extensioncords!

Third Friend of Brasky: He hated Mexicans!

Second Friend of Brasky: And he was halfMexican!

First Friend of Brasky: And he hatedirony!

Third Friend of Brasky: He grew a third arm andkept it in a vault!

Second Friend of Brasky: He slept eight hours anight! [the others give him a puzzled look] Well, hewas pretty normal when it came to that.

[A mourner, who has been sitting in the backgroundsince the sketch began, now rises with a drink in hishand and joins the three at the casket:]

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Excuse me! Are youguys talkin’ about Bill Brasky?

First and Second Friend of Brasky: We certainlyare!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: I know BillBrasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: I like you!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

All Four: Bill Brasky!

[Suddenly, a giant hand clutching a half full glass ofliquor smashes up through the top of the woodencasket. The Brasky Bunch is momentarilystunned.]

Booming Voice of Bill Brasky: I’m back! Now,top me off, you bastards!

All Four: [thrilled] Bill Brasky!

[First and Second Friend pour liquor into Brasky’sglass.]

First Friend of Brasky: Here you go,buddy!

[Dissolve to photo of Alec Baldwin and some blueballoons. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8

96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

The Terry Gantner Family Workout

Terry Gantner…..Will Ferrell
Kathy Gantner…..Molly Shannon
Julian Gantner…..Chris Kattan

Terry Gantner: Hey, folks! It’s time to burn some fat, and have son fun – the Terry Gantner way!

Announcer: From Mesa, Arizona, it’s “The Terry Gantner Family Workout”. And now, here’s Terry Gantner.

Terry Gantner: Good morning, and welcome! I hope you folks are ready, because today we’re gonna work on increasing our upper body strength! And how ae we gonna do that? With a combination of aerobics and ka-ra-te! As usual, I’m joined by my lovely wife Kathy, and my son Julian. How you guys doing?

Kathy Gantner: Great!

Julian Gantner: Great!

Terry Gantner: That’s all I need to hear! What do you say we get started – the Terry Gantner way! [ the three of them start to march in place ] Let’s begin with a simple march, just to get the blood going. How we doing, guys?

Julian Gantner: Great, Dad!

Kathy Gantner: Great, honey!

Terry Gantner: Good! Now that we’re warmed up, let’s throw in some cross punches. [ they cross punch ] This is Kathy’s favorite – right, honey?

Kathy Gantner: I love this one!

Terry Gantner: Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. Grab the Lotus. And return to ready position. Always return to ready position! Okay, what do you say we move it up a little bit, and focus all our concentration right up here. [ points to his head, as Julian holds a wooden board in front if him ] Here we go. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. Tame the tiger.. [ punches board, breaking Terry’s hand instead of the board ] Oh, God! Oh.. God! Oh, sweet God! Sweet bastard! Oh, my God! What kind of wood was that!!

Julian Gantner: Dad, are you all right?

Terry Gantner: What kind of wood was that! What kind of wood was that!! Sweet God! Oh, my God, I have really hurt myself! Oh, my God!

Kathy Gantner: [ grabs his hand ] Let me look at it..

Terry Gantner: [ pulls away ] Get off me!!

Kathy Gantner: I’m sorry!

Terry Gantner: I have hurt my hand!! Oh, lease call a doctor, I have definitely shattered my hand!! Oh, my God, what kind of wood was that!! Oh, my Go-o-od!

Announcer: This has been “The Terry Gantner Family Workout”.

Terry Gantner: It felt like cement!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8

96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Jerry Lewis…..Martin Short

Alex Trebek: Welcome to “Celebrity Jeopardy”. We’ve got three wonderful celebrities playing fro charity. Let’s meet them. Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Hello, Alex!

Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: How ya doing?

Alex Trebek: And finally, comedy legend, Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: May I tell you what a joy and a thrill and all it is to be here? It’s super-duper! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Good luck to all three of you.

Jerry Lewis: Yeah, we’re gonna need it! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: What do you say we take a look at our board? The categories are: “Celebrities”, “Potpourri”, “Popular Music”, “Movies”, “”potent Potables”, “U.S. History”, and “‘S’ Words”, which are words that begin with the letter “S”. Mr. Connery, it’s your turn.

Sean Connery: [ thinking ] Ah.. I’ll take “Movies” for $400.

Alex Trebek: “John Travolta learned how to dance for this 1977 hit movie”. [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: That would be “Jaws”.

Alex Trebek: No. “Jaws” is incorrect. And please anwer in the form of a question. [ Burt Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: What is “Jaws”?

Alex Trebek: No. That was already guessed. [ Jerry Lewis buzzes in ] Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: If I remember correctly, Alex, that would be “Dancing For.. LADIES!!” I had to go for it!

Alex Trebek: No! That was incorrect, also.. what is “Saturday Night Fever”. Heads up, players. Sean Connery, it’s still your board.

Sean Connery: Uh.. I’ll take “Swords” for $400.

Alex Trebek: It’s actually not “Swords”.. these are words that begin with “S”. The answer is: “Popeye is this sort of man”. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: What is.. Popeye?

Alex Trebek: [ sighs ] No. [ Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery. And, remember, these are words that begin with the letter “S”, i>not “Swords”.

Sean Connery: [ bangs podium, thinking ] Saber!

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: It began with a bloody “S”!

[ Lewis buzzes in, laughing ]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: I got the answer, Alex. You want the answer, it’s simple. They’re terrified of a perfectionist. “They” being the people who are running the studios this week.. [ time runs out ]

Alex Trebek: [ sighs again ] I’m sorry, Mr. Lewis. Time’s up. “What is Sailor?” was the correct response. Tough start for everyone. All three celebrities are $800 down.

Sean Connery: [ angry ] The hell if I’m gonna pay you a bloody $800!

Alex Trebek: Please, be assured, Mr. Connery. This is for charity, it’s not your own money. And it is still your board.

Sean Connery: Alright, I’ll take “Movies” for $200.

Alex Trebek: “This racing movie with Dom DeLuise told us that yes cannonballs can run.” [ no one buzzes in ] “Cannonballs can run.” Burt, you might want to guess this. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Oh, I don’t know.. Shaekespeare!

Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] No. [ Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: I’ll not pay this fine, you curd, it’s unjust!

Alex Trebek: You don’t have to pay the.. [ Lewis buzzes in ] Jerry Lewis.

Jerry Lewis: Cannonballin’ Mamim’..

Alex Trebek: Wait, wait, wait.. it sounds like youmight have the right answer! Ddi you say “Cannon”?

Jerry Lewis: Cannon..

Alex Trebek: Now, say “ball”!

Jerry Lewis: Ball..

Alex Trebek: Put them together..

Jerry Lewis: Cannonballin’ Mamin’ aigh-yea! [ smiles ]

Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Okay, let’s just move on. Burt, can you please pick a category?

Sean Connery: [ whispering ] Pick “Swords”.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, sure, give me “Swords”.

Alex Trebek: [ annoyed ] It’s “‘S’ Words”! “‘S’ Words”! And, for how much, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: Aw, hell, let’s go nuts, “Swords” for $48,000!

Alex Trebek: We’re not doing “Swords”! You know what, why don’t we just move on to Final Jeopardy? The category is “Bodies of Water”. “This body of water gave Salt Lake City it’s name.” [ Final Jeopardy music plays, answers are written ] And, time is up. “This body of water gave Salt Lake City it’s name.” Sean Connery, you wrote.. [ screen reads “Swords” ] ..”Swords”. And you wagered.. [ screen shows lines ] ..what appears to be a Roman Numeral Seven.

Sean Connery: That’s an “M”!

Alex Trebek: That is is, Sir. Burt Reynolds, you put down.. [ screen reads “Alex Trebek” ] ..my name, that’s nice. And you wagered.. [ screen reads “Is a Fu..” ] ..”Is A..” ..okay, obviously that’s some sort of swear word. [ Reynolds smiles ] Jerry Lewis.. [ he’s missing from his podium ] ..has wandered off somewhere. Let’s see if he had anything. [ screen shows half-of-hand drawing ] Apparently his answer was an outline of half of his hand. And, he wagered.. [ screen shows rest of hand ] ..the other half of his hand. That’s beautiful. Well, I’d like to thank all of our celebrities for joining us this evening..

Jerry Lewis: [ runs in with glass of water ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I was in the little boy’s room! [ spills water on Alex ] Oh, boy, I didn’t mean to do that..

Alex Trebek: ..celebrities for joining us. Unfortunately, because of your scores, money will be taken away from charities.. [ Jerry sticks glass in his mouth and shows Alex ] That’s very funny, Jerry.. Join us tomorrow when we return for more Jeopardy.. [ looking at Lewis acting like a monkey with the glass in his mouth ] I have no idea..

[ Lewis runs into the audience to reach the cameraman ]

Jerry Lewis: Hey, come back! Come over, here, lady! I want to talk to you, Mr. Cameraman! Come to me..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 8

96h: Martin Short / No Doubt

Martha Stewart Topless Christmas Special

Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer

Martha Stewart Voiceover: I’m Martha Stewart. Join me next week,when I’ll share some old and new ideas for creating a trulymemorable holiday.

Announcer: “Martha Stewart’s Home For the Holiday’s Topless ChristmasSpecial”.

Martha Stewart: [ sitting in her living room, topless ] Hi there. I’mMartha Stewart. It’s my favorite time of year. Sleigh rides, caroling -these are just some of the things that remind us of Christmas.

[ cut to Martha in her Work Room ]

This is my Work Room, where we’ll be making these corn husk garlands. Youcan make them, too, in just 24 simple steps.

[ cut to close-up of Martha sitting in her kitchen ]

Also, we’ll learn how to make beeswax candles. They really say Yuletide.[ camera zooms out to reveal Martha only wearing a dickey ] And, I’ll showyou how to make a festive holiday dickey out of an old turtleneck. I madethis one. I really treasure it.

[ cut to Martha walking through the woods with two male friends ]

Today, we’re taking a field trip to my friend Tom Hardwick’s Christmas treefarm in the Hudson River Valley. [ glances skyward ] Oh, look, there’s agood one. [ they all walk towards it ]

[ cut to Martha back in her living room ]

So, join me, and my special guests, the Westport Boys Choir, for myChristmas special, “Home For the Holidays”. Even if you celebrate Chanukah,it’ll be a jolly good thing. [ Martha stands up and shakes her breastsin front of the boys but behind her black censor box ]

Announcer: “Martha Stewart’s Home For the Holidays Topless ChristmasSpecial”. Wednesday night at 8:00. Parental discretion advised.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


December 14th, 1996

Rosie O’Donnell

Whitney Houston

Penny Marshall

Beavis & Butt-Head

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: In the spirit of Christmas, President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) make up.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Michael Jackson, Janet Reno, Debbie Rowe.

Montage

Rosie O’Donnell’s MonologueSummary: Rosie O’Donnell sings “I Got You Babe” with Penny Marshall and Whitney Houston.

Darnette Disposable ToiletsSummary: Why use the same toilet more than once?

Transcript

SpartansSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) perform cheers for Pepperidge Farms.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) performs as her school’s Little Drummer Girl.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Transcript

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullen (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) discuss gingerbread and citrus.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.

TV FunhouseSummary: The Ambiguously Gay Duo rescues Santa Claus in “Don We Now… or Never”.

A Christmas Greeting from Goat BoyRecurring Characters: Goat Boy.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Beavis & Butt-Head share the meaning of Christmas with Norm MacDonald.

Transcript

Whitney Houston sings “I Believe In You & Me”

Rita DelvecchioSummary: Rita (Cheri Oteri) makes amends with bickering neighbor Theresa (Penny Marshall).

Recurring Characters: Rita Delvecchio.

Russell & TateSummary: For Christmas, Russell (Tim Meadows) & Tate (Tracy Morgan) will get your money.

Recurring Characters: Russell, Tate witherspoon.

The Local NewsSummary: Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) hosts a talk show in his basement.

Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.

Whitney Houston sings “I Go To The Rock”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 9

96i: Rosie O’Donnell / Whitney Houston

Mary Katherine Gallagher

Sister…..Rosie O’Donnell
Sean Patrick Flannery…..Will Ferrell
Sister Maria…..Panny Marshall
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Jennifer…..Whitney Houston

[ open on St. Monica’s Christmas Choir practicing ]

Sister: Sto-o-o-o-o-p! Stop! The Intercatholic Chorus Competition is in two days. And our esteemed soloist, Sean Patrick Flannery, sounds like he’s passing a kidney stone!

Sean Patrick Flannery: Is that good?

Sister: No, it’s not good, Sean! Let’s move to the next song, “The Little Drummer Boy”. Jennifer, come down, please.

Jennifer: Yes, Sister. [ steps down ]

Sister: Jennifer, why don’t you take this next song?

Jennifer: Thank you, Sister. [ sticks tongue at Sean Patrick ]

Sister: Alright. [ Sean returns to the back of the choir ] Now, where is my Little Drummer Girl, Mary?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ runs into scene, drum strapped around neck ] Mary Katherine Gallagher!

Sister: Mary Katherine Gallagher. I’m fully aware what your name is, yes I am! Now, dear. We’re doing “The Little Drummer Boy”, and that’s you, so go over there and get into your position. Alright? [ Mary takes her place ] Alright, then.. [ walks to Sister Maria at the piano ] Sister Maria!

Sister Maria: [ lifts head ] Yeah! Yeah! I’m up!

Sister: Stay awake during the rehearsals, please, Sister Maria! That’s so much to ask. Let’s begin, please!

[ Sister Maria plays the song on the piano ]

Jennifer: [ performing the solo ]
“Come they told me, pa-rum pum pum pummmmm..”

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher steps in front of Jennifer, starting to sing ]

Jennifer: Sister!br>
Sister: Stop! Stop! STOP!!

Sister Maria: [ stops playing paino ] Stop yelling! I’m not deaf!

Sister: Don’t be mouthing off to me, Sister Maria!

Sister Maria: Don’t you start with me.

Sister: Don’t you start with me!

Sister Maria: Don’t you start with me.

Sister: Now, Mary. What do you think you’re doing, young lady?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I thought that this was where I was supposed to stand?

Sister: No, no! You’re supposed to stand next to Jennifer! Alright? If you stand in front of her, the audience won’t be able to see beautiful Jennifer’s face, and hear her gorgeous, glorious voice during her solo! Now, please step aside, and let’s begin again. Alright, from where the perfect Jennifer left off! [ returns to the piano ]

[ Sister Maria plays the piano again ]

Jennifer: “I have no gift to bring, pa-rum pum pum pum
To lay before our King, pa-rum pum pum pummmmm..”

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher starts pounding on her drum ]

Sister: STO-O-O-O-O-OPPPPPP!!

Sister Maria: [ singing ] ..in the na-a-a-a-ame of love!
Be-fore you break my heart!”

Sister: Sister Maria! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you three times: No Motown at rehearsal! [ to Mary ] Now, Mary, for crying out loud! Why are you doing that!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, I’m a Little Drummer Boy, so I’m drumming.

Sister: Yes! But you’re drumming for Jesus Christ, not for Judas Priest!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, I thought that Jennifer needed some help with the tempo, because she sounded a little bit confused.

Sister: Well, maybe the drum was a bad idea, then, wasn’t it, Mary Katherine? You give me the drum now. Give me the sticks, as well! [ takes the drums and sticks away ] Now, you just stand over there, and you just make believe that you’ve got yourself a drum and you’ve got yourself some sticks, alright?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sister, before we start again, I just want to say, “Seasons Greetings to All!”

Sister: [ pause ] Alright, let’s continue. Sister Maria.

[ piano plays again ]

Jennifer: “I have no gift to bring, pa-rum pum pum pummmm.”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ stepping in ]
“To lay before the King, pa-rum pum pum pum..”

Sister: Stop! Stop!

Sister Maria: Stop with the stopping! [ slaps Sister ]

Sister: No hitting me!

Sister Maria: Oh, God, I’ve got Gambler’s Anonymous in 10 minutes!

Sister: You just sit there and you play when I tell you to! Come here, Mary! [ Maty approaches, hands under her arms ] What are you doing!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arm, and I smell them like that. [ demonstrates ] That’s bad.

Sister: It’s not too nice, Mary Katherine! It’s not! Now, listen, this is not a duet, it’s a solo! Jennifer’s solo! Because Jennifer sings very well! And yet, you continue to interrupt her. I’m asking you why you continue to interrupt her?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: The reason that I keep interrupting Jennifer would best be expressed in a monologue from the Made-For-TV movie “A House Without A Christmas”, starring the Tony Award-winning Mr. Jason Robards. [ begins monologue ] “Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy! Daddy, I want a Christmas tree in this house! A big, tall, green, beautiful juniper. And we would have one, Daddy, if you weren’t so grumpy all the time. And we would have.. and we would have.. we would have presents, and.. and.. and.. and we would have egg nog with cinnamon and nutmeg and Christmas songs. Oh, Daddy! I want to sing! I want to sing! Do you hear that? Do you hear that?”

Sister Maria: Hear what?

Sister: Hear what!

Jennifer: Hear what?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
“I hear those sleigh bells jingling
Ring-ting-tingling too.”

Jennifer: [ singing ]
“Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
“Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling yoo-hoo.”

Jennifer: [ singing ]
“Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
“Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let’s go,”

Jennifer: [ singing ]
“Let’s look at the snow.”

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ singing ]
“We’re riding in a wonderland of snow!”

Together: “Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up..”

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher falls over a table full of ornaments, then jumps up from her fall ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Merry Christmas!

Sister: Mary Katherine Gallagher! Yuo come with me, Mary Katherine Gallagher! We’ll go see Father O’Reilly, and we’ll talk to him about your detention! Maria! run the rehearsal as if I was here! [ drags Mary Katherine Gallagher out of the room ]

Sister Maria: [ takes a swig of alcohol ] Alright, let’s hit it!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 9

96i: Rosie O’Donnell / Whitney Houston

Darnette Disposable Toilets

Announcer…..Will Ferrell
Husband…..Jim Breuer
Wife…..Cheri Oteri

[FADE IN on a woman standing above a toilet with her hands on her hips.]

Announcer: Your bathroom sparkles, but what about the toilet? It’s just not sanitary!

[The wife is seen scrubbing the rim of the toilet with a sponge and qutting in disgust.]

Announcer: You try scrubbing and cleaning, but it’s all a huge hassle. Now you can have a clean toilet after EVERY use, with new Darnette Disposable Toilets.

[CUT to a display of toilets in cardboard cases at a home improvement store.]

Announcer: These fine porcelain fixtures are only $169.95 each. Easy to use, and good for just one flush! How do they work? Simple.

[The husband walks up to the store display, and he and the announcer both heft up a toilet and struggle to put it in the cart.]

Announcer: [off camera] Each time you flush a Darnette toilet, replace it with a new one by following these easy steps:

[As the announcer describes the process, the husband is seen working diligently on replacing the toilet.]

Announcer: Shut off the main water valve and drain the tank. Using the elongated Johnson bar, pry off the toilet bowl and remove it free and clear. Remove the rubber washer and set it to one side. You’ll need it later. Clean up the remaining water that has come out of the trap, replace the wax ring, apply a one-quarter-inch bead of caulk. Lift the bowl high enough to clear the flange bolts, lower it so that the horn of the bowl enters the floor flange and the two bolts come up through the holes on the bottom of the bowl. Seat the toilet on the flange, then, using a Stilson wrench, reattach the feed pipe to the ballcock valve, turn back on the valve to the feed and the main, and voila! In three hours, you’ve got yourself a new toilet. It’s that easy!

[The husband and wife smile in admiration at his work, and then the announcer grins.]

Announcer: And when you’re done with the Darnette disposable toilet, simply convert it into smaller pieces and place it into our customized Darnette dumpster.

[CUT to husband wearing safety goggles and smashing up a used toilet with a sledgehammer out in the yard.]

Announcer: So rest assured every time YOU use the toilet, it’s clean and fresh with Darnette.

[The husband and wife stand above a toilet as the wife blows her nose into a Kleenex and drops it in the toilet. The husband pulls out the elongated Johnson bar and gets ready to pry off the toilet. His wife nods in approval.]

Announcer: And also try our disposable sinks and bathtubs.

[Show a sink and bathtub in display cases, then CUT to the wife and kids enjoying a meal on the patio. The husband comes out, lugging a toilet in his hands, and heaves it into the dumpster. His wife grins happily.]

Announcer: Darnette’s Disposable Toilets. Because if something’s dirty, just throw it away!

[FADE OUT on about ten used toilets littering the backyard.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 9

96i: Rosie O’Donnell / Whitney Houston

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
…..Beavis
…..Butt-Head

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

[opening music: “O Come All Ye Faithful”]

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, folks, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight comes from the O.J. Simpson civil trial, where this week it was revealed that in his first interview with police, Simpson had refused to take a lie detector test. His reason? It detects lies.

Meanwhile, Simpson defense attorney Robert Baker argued that a dark spot in a crime scene photo was a, quote, “mystery shoe print,” suggesting that there were actually two killers. O.J. hopes this will support his theory that he did not act alone.

President Bill Clinton and Russian president Boris Yeltsin have made tentative plans to meet early next year. According to the White House, the pair will use the meeting to resume their ongoing debate: drinking vs. pot smoking. [applause] Yeah!

The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking cigarettes. Although it should be noted the drug is crack, so…

A top aviation watchdog group warned this week that the nation’s airlines are vulnerable to terrorist attack. The biggest problem, apparently, watchdog groups pointing out to terrorists that airlines are vulnerable to attack. That’s the…[little reaction] That’s all right.

Over the next two months, the [begins stumbling over his words] murderer…I – I’m sorry, after the…uh – uh…over the next four, the– hih-gyah-gyah! [applause]…Over the next two months, the number of Border Patrol agents in Tuscon, Arizona will double to 49. Meanwhile, the number of illegal aliens sneaking into the country will hold steady at 100 million billion. So…[surprised by lack of reaction] Did I screw something else up or something?

Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died this Monday at the age of 83. Leakey was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace until some nosy anthropologist digs her up in a couple of…[applause] That’s a nice obituary for the lady.

This week renowned heart surgeon Michael DeBakey attacked the hypocrisy of Hollywood stars who oppose the use of animals in medical research and yet wear ribbons supporting the war on deadly diseases like AIDS. In response, animal activist Ricki Lake said, quote, “But the red ribbon diverts attention from my gigantic ass! [some cheers and applause, then tries to explain the joke]…If it wasn’t for the red ribbon, people would – would notice my gigantic ass more! They– By wearing the red ribbon, less people…”

Well, a big seller this holiday season is Michael Bolton’s Christmas album, This Is the Time. Happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap! [cheers and applause]

Once again, it is Christmas in New York, and while that means angry shoppers and tasteless decorations…[stares at the camera while neatening his stack of papers, makes an aside to the cue card guy] you can flip that card any time you want, [resumes story] it also means something more. Here with a fresh perspective on the meaning of Christmas are the stars of the upcoming movie Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, MTV’s own Beavis and Butt-Head!

[Beavis and Butt-Head appear on the screen behind Norm. Setting is in front of Rockefeller Center. Butt-Head is dressed as Santa. Beavis is dressed as a reindeer.]

Butt-Head: Uh…what? Did he just say our name? Uh huh huh huh.

Beavis: These earphones suck. You can’t get any music on them. It’s just some dumb dork going, “Blah, blah, blah…Christmas is the meaning of…bleeh…”

Norm: Hey – hey – hey – hey guys, it’s – it’s me, Norm MacDonald, you’re on.

Butt-Head: Uh…uh huh huh. What did you just say? Uh huh huh…

Norm: Uh, y – you’re on!

Butt-Head: Uh, you know, Norm, when you just said that, it kinda sounded like you said “urine.” Uh huh huh huh…

Beavis: Heh heh heh m heh! Hey Butt-Head! Heh. You just said “urine” on TV! Heh heh m heh.

Butt-Head: Uh…yes I did. Uh huh huh huh huh. Uh huh…

Norm: Hey come on, guys, hey, how about…how about that report on the true meaning of Christmas, huh?

Butt-Head: Oh yeah. Uh huh huh huh huh. Check this out, uh huh huh. Uh…every year, fat people stuff themselves with tons of food and crap. And yet other people have no place to go and nothing to eat. That’s Christmas. Uh huh huh…

Beavis: Heh heh, yeah really, hm hm heh. Heh heh heh hm m heh!

Norm: So guys, that’s all you have to say about the meaning of Christmas? I mean…what about all the materialism and crass commercialization?

Butt-Head: Oh yeah. Huh huh! We got this movie coming out, it’s called Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, and if everyone goes to see it, we’ll get lots of money!

Beavis: Heh heh, yeah, YEAH, MONEY, MMONEY, MONEY, AND SOME CHICKS, AND A…[Butt-Head pulls on Beavis’ reins] OWW!

Butt-Head: Huh huh. Settle down, Beavis. Uh huh huh huh.

Beavis: Hm heh. Um, hey MacDonald, heh heh, check this out, heh heh hm heh. ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the theater, not a creature was stirring, except for my peter! Heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh m heh! Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing! Heh heh…

Norm: Okay, thanks a lot, guys. I’ll be thinking of you when I throw another log on the fire.

Butt-Head: Butt-Head: Huh huh huh huh! Log!

Beavis: Hm hm heh heh, fire! Fire! Heh heh heh hm heh…

Norm: Beavis and Butt-Head, ladies and gentlemen! Thanks, fellas!

This week, security guard Richard Jewell, who had sued NBC over comments by Tom Brokaw suggesting that he was the Olympic Park bomber, settled out of court with the network for an undisclosed sum. Meanwhile, the FBI has a new ni – 800 number for tips on the case, and curiously, the first call was from Mr. Jewell, who suggested that they check out Tom Brokaw.

This week, the Chairman of the Board, Frank Sinatra, turned 81 years old, and he was honored by having the Empire State Building lit in blue. Also, in Mr. Sinatra’s honor, the Empire State Building had the Twin Towers rough up the Chrysler Building. [applause]

Grocery and department stores across America have added reserved parking spaces for expectant mothers. Especially excited about this innovation are handicapped drivers, who will finally get to park in someone else’s space.

In a recent interview, actress Goldie Hawn says that she does not mind if the man she’s married to cheats on her, explaining, quote, “Sexual experimentation is a basic need of all men.” You can read more about Goldie Hawn’s personal philosophy in my new book: Goldie Hawn: The Greatest Woman Who Ever Lived. [applause]

And finally, the number one selling doll this Christmas is Tickle Me Elmo. And the least popular selling doll? You guessed it: Tickle Me Frank Stallone.

[surprised by early cut to other camera] Jesus! Good night, everybody! Thanks!

[closing music: Christmas music]

[dissolve to “Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald” graphic]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 11th, 1997

Kevin Spacey

Beck

John Cleese

Michael Palin

Back, “Devil’s Haircut”

SNL’s Sketch Ratings System

Senile “Monty Python” members Michael Palin & John Cleese explain ratings system.

Kevin Spacey’s Monologue

As Spacey sings, scroll reveals he’s a psycho in real life as well.

Late Show with David Letterman

William Hurt (Spacey) endures interview with distractful Letterman (Norm MacDonald).

Recurring Characters: David Letterman, Paul Shaffer.

Prescriptions

How easy it is to get a medical prescription for marijuana.

Star Wars 20th Anniversary Re-Release I

Christopher Walken (Spacey) and other unsuccessful “Star Wars” auditions.

Recurring Characters: Christopher Walken.

Janet Reno’s Dance Party

Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) shares a dance with Donna Shelala (Spacey) in basement.

Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, President Bill Clinton.

Star Wars 20th Anniversary Re-Release II

More awkward “Star Wars” auditions.

Recurring Characters: Burt Reynolds, Barbara Streisand.

Beck performs “Where It’s At”

Also Performed: 98j, 99g, 02l, 04q, 06d.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Courtney Love (Molly Shannon) shares her acting secrets for Larry Flynt movie.

Recurring Characters: Courtney Love.

Mr. Peepers

Missing link Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) makes lab worker (Will Ferrell) uncomfortable.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

TV Funhouse

The X-Presidents save the day.

The Joe Pesci Show

Al Pacino (Spacey) co-hosts the show with Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer).

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci.

Dead Parrot Sketch

John Cleese & Michael Palin are forced to recreate the classic Monty Python sketch.

Mrs. Attebury

Mrs. Attebury (Ana Gasteyer) bombards alarm installer (Spacey) with tiresome stories.

Recurring Characters: Mrs. Attebury.

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 10

96j: Kevin Spacey / Beck

Attebury Home Security

Mrs. Attebury…..Ana Gasteyer
Technician…..Kevin Spacey
Mr. Attebury…..Mark McKinney

[ open on interior, Attebury sunroom as ramble-mouthed Mrs. Attebury enters with Technician ]

Mrs. Attebury: [ holding a glass of Seagram’s ] And this is the sunroom, where I plan on parking myself all Winter with a Hot Toddy, isn’t it fabulous, don’t you love it? This is one of the best neighborhoods in Bethesda, I mean, nowhere is safe anymore.

Technician: Well, that’s why I’m here, Mrs. Attebury, we’ll get you all set with some automatic floodlights. You know, get some motion sensors on the windows, the whole standard package.

Mrs. Attebury: [ holds her hand up to indicate her bored husband sitting sitting on a Barco-lounger, reading a book and enjoying a Scotch ] Oh, this is my huband Lesley, by the way.

Technician: Oh, how are you doing there, Mr. Attebury?

Mr. Attebury: Uh, who’s there now?

Mrs. Attebury: Lesley, this is Jim from the home security place. Jim knows so much about our house by now, if he decides to go into burglery he’ll be our first hi! [ laughs ]

Technician: Well, I should probably measure these windows for the sensors.

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, my goodness.. Libby Wadsworth said we absolutely had to have those, and she should know, I mean you know what happened to Wadsworth, don’t you, Les?

Mr. Attebury: Uh.. I don’t know who that is, dear..

Mrs. Attebury: Yes, you do, don’t you remember it was that silent auction for the symphony, or what have you, and – he doesn’t know! Anyway, apparently, Doug Wadsworth came downstairs to go to work, goes to his car, and there are four tickets to Sunday’s Redskins game tied to the windshield, he had absolutely no idea how they got there, I mean can you believe it, isn’t that bizarre?

Technician: [ tolerating her so far ] Wow, that’s really strange!

Mrs. Attebury: Isn’t that the most wonderful, I thought it was so strange, he couldn’t decide whether or not this was some sort of manna from heaven, you know, maybe some kind of promotion or something! At any rate, apparently, come Sunday, they all trundle off to the game, have a wonderful time, come home, and sure enough these supposed generous ticket givers have cleaned out the place, I mean isn’t that just the most awful, awful, wonderful, wonderful story you ever heard, I just love that, absolutely fabulous, you can’t make this kind of stuff up, you just absolutely can’t, I love it!

Technician: [ desperately trying to get out of the conversation ] Well, if you want me to get this done today, I’m gonna have to get going..

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, absolutely, God, I’m so paranoid!

Mr. Attebury: Yeah, the woman sleeps with a hammer under the bed there..

Mrs. Attebury: It’s a C-Clamp.

Mr. Attebury: Yeah, well, whatever..

Technician: Okay, well, I’m just gonna go out to my truck, and get, uh..

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, speaking of trucks, Winky Styles told me the most wonderful, wonderful story I ever..

Technician: Yeah, well, you know, I’d love to hear it, but I don’t have much time to..

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, I think you might want to hear this, it might be very, very interesting to you – listen, I’m gonna have another splash of Seagram, you want to wet your whistle?

Technician: No thanks.

Mrs. Attebury: Alright. Les, do you want a little splash?

Mr. Attebury: Uh, don’t touch my Scotch..

Mrs. Attebury: Alright, well, anyway, just listen to this story, I think you’ll just absolutely love it, I think it might be very helpful for you in your security business, or whatever you do.. apparently, Doug and Winky Styles’ youngest daughter Jane, the one with anorexia

Mr. Attebury: Anorexia? She’s as big as a house..

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, I know, I know, poor thing, it’s not her fault.. but anyway, apparently, she comes home from one of these semesters at sea, or whatever the thing is, with this sort of hippy carpenter fellow in tow, you know the sort of fellow, he went to a state university, that kind of a person..

Technician: Right, right, I went to a state university..

Mrs. Attebury: Well, anyway, appearently, this fellow just sort of makes himself at home in their living room for three or four months..

Technician: Look, Mrs. Attebury, I really have ot get going on this, because, you know..

Mrs. Attebury: Ah ah ah, I think you’re really gonna enjoy it, it gets so absolutely bizarre.. apparently, one day, when Doug was off at the Cape or Nantucket, or something like that, I don’t know where he was, Winky comes home and finds this creature standing in her living room stark-naked, wrapping all of your wedgewood in bubble wrap and cramming it into a duffle bag, I mean can you stand it! I just love it, can you stand it!

Technician: Not much longer.

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, well, anyway, apparently, this fellow just sort of looked Winky in the eye, asked her for a Diet-Rite cola, and then relieved himself on the carpet! Isn’t that the most bizarre, wonderful, awful thing that ever happened, I just loved it, I couldn’t stand it..

Technician: [ interrupting ] LIsten! Listen! I can’t stand here and talk all day, because..

Mrs. Attebury: When the whole thing was over, Winky just kind of rolled up the carpet and put it in the barn, I said, “Give the carpet to me, it’s a $4,000..”

Technician: [ pulls out his screwdriver and points it at her face as he jumps around the room frantically ] Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UUUUPPP!! It’s MY turn to talk now! ALRIGHT?!! I don’t WORK for the alarm company, and I’m about to FILL this house with your SCREAMS!!

Mrs. Attebury: Uh.. Les.. do something.. please don’t hurt us.. [ babbles incoherently ]

Mr. Attebury: [ taking charge ] Yes, silverware’s under the stairs, there.

Technician: I’m NOT screwing around!! I’m gonna BIND your hands with phone cords, shoot crystal meth into my thigh and go CAVEMAN on you!!

Mrs. Attebury: [ frightened, struggles for a word to say ]

Technician: [ lowers his screwdriver and smiles ] Oh, I’m just kidding there, I just wanted to get your attention, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise there!

Mr. Attebury: Bravo!

Technician: Sorry about that, Mrs. Attebury! I’m gonna head out to my truck there and get my stuff. You know, with all those stories about crimes, I thought you’d get a kick out of that! [ exits sunroom ]

Mrs. Attebury: That was hidious, I feel so violated! [ pauses ] Wasn’t that the most wonderful, wonderful, awful thing, you can’t make that kind of thing up, that’s an absolutely wonderful reason to have a story..!

Mr. Attebury: [ shakes his glass ] Ice, I need ice..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts