For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Goodnights
…..Jeff Daniels
Jeff Daniels: Thanks to Luscious Jackson! Everybody at “Saturday Night Live”. G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band! Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Martin Luther King Day
Jeff…..Jeff Daniels
Chris…..Chris Elliot
Tim…..Tim Meadows
Adam…..Adam Sandler
Felicia…..Ellen Cleghorne
[ open on two white employees sitting in their office ]
Jeff: Hey, check it out – we’ve got Monday off!
Chris: Oh, yeah.. it’s Washington’s Birthday, or something, isn’t it?
Jeff: No. It’s Martin Luther King Day. What are you gonna do?
Chris: Oh, probably what I do every Martin Luther King Day – I’ll just plant myself in front of the tube, watch cartoons, and drink beer!
Jeff: [ chuckles ] Yeah, I’m with you. Hey! Why don’t you come over? I’ve got some Air Hockey in the basement.
Chris: Hey, that’s a great idea! I’ll be there – I’ll bring some Stooges videos.
Jeff: Great!
[ Tim, a black employee, enters the office ]
Tim: Hey, guys! What’s going on? Hey, what are you guys doing Monday – you know, Dr. Martin Luther King’s Birthday?
Jeff: Uh.. oh, I don’t know.. I thought I’d just, you know, go over to the library and read some of his collective writings.
Chris: Yeah.. yeah, I’ll probably see you there.
Tim: Hey, you guys are gonna kill yourselves when you hear what I’m doing. They’re holding a marathon reading of all Dr. King’s speeches at my church! [ the guys are “impressed” ] Unfortunately, they’re sold out.
Jeff: Aw, wow, sold out, that sucks!
Chris: Gee, thanks for telling us about it now! Gee whiz, I could have heard of that sooner!
Tim: Oh, well, wait, let me finish, though. I just happen to have two spare tickets!
Jeff: Oh, that is.. so excellent..
Chris: Yeah.. but now you’re putting me on an emotional roller coaster here, because noew you’re gonna say you have the two spare tickets but they’re for somebody else..
Tim: No. They’re all yours.
Jeff: Oh, well.. [ reluctant to take the tickets ] Oh, look, it starts at 7 a.m…
Tim: Yeah. And it usually runs past midnight.
Chris: Well, you really got your money’s worth with this..
Tim: Yeah. So, let’s get some coffee going here, huh? [ bends down by coffeepot ] How’s this plug in? Oh, here it is..
[ Adam enters ]
Adam: Hey! Can you guys believe it? We’ve got Monday off for Martin Luther King – you want to get drunk and go to Atlantic City?
Jeff: No.. we’ve got tickets for that reading of speeches by Dr. King..
Adam: Oh, yeah.. Seriously, though – you want to get drunk and go to Atlantic City? They’ve got a free bus that goes there every two hours.. [ suddenly sees behind him ] ..but, uh, you know, that speech thing, that sounds pretty good.. should give that a shot, you got any more tickets?
Chris: No, uh.. we snagged the last two.
Adam: You lucky bastards! Oh, my! It serves me right for getting here late!
Tim: I’ll tell you what – I’ll make a call and rustle up one more.
Adam: You’re not jazzing me, are ya? ‘Cause I would kill for one of those tickets!
Tim: I’ll get you one, don’t worry! Hey, I’m glad you guys are here, because I’ve got your Martin Luther King presents. [ hands one to each co-worker ]
Jeff: Oh, look at this – “Great Kings of Africa”! Hey, not too shabby.
Chris: No, no.. you mut have read my mind.
Adam: Uh, I’ve got my weekend reading now..
Jeff: Hey, I almost forgot.. I forgot to give you my present.. [ grabs laptop from his desk ] Yeah, it’s already got a bunch of software on it, and I already turned it on for you..
Tim: This is really beautiful! I can use this.
Chris: [ pulls wallet out of his pants ] Here, buddy.. here’s my present. [ hands him his wallet ] Happy Martin Luther King Day..
Tim: A wallet!
Chris: Yeah. Oh, look, it’s got my initials on it there, to honor Dr. King..
Tim: Hey, that’s so thoughtful. [ opens wallet ] Hey, there’s cash in here, too!
Chris: Yeah, there is.. that’s all part of the gift..
Adam: Hey, uh, I went in on that, so that’s kinda from both of us!
[ Felicia enters ]
Felicia: Hi, good morning, everybody.
Tim: Hey, Felicia! Happy Dr. Martin Luther King Day!
Felicia: Happy Dr. Martin Luther King Day, my brother! [ they hug ] You know, I think the white man just tries to keep us down.. [ cries ]
Tim: I know.. I know..
Felicia: You know, we are too strong, too proud, for them, man!
[ the three co-workers stand silent, unsure of what to do ]
Chris: Felicia.. would you like a laptop computer..? [ holds his out for her ]
Tim: Look, guys, could you give us a few minutes? You know..
Jeff: Yeah, maybe we’d better go.
[ the three co-workers exit the office, as Felicia continues to cry ]
Tim: It’s okay, they’re gone.
Felicia: Oh, great! So, what did you get?
Tim: I got a wallet and a laptop computer!
Felicia: Wow!
Tim: Plus, I got rid of all those Kwaanza books everybody gave me!
Felicia: You know what I got? Nothing. Let’s just go to Atlantic City and get drunk!
Tim: Great!
[ fade out ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 20: Episode 10
94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Mystery Dinner Theater
Bob Mackadoo…..Jeff Daniels
Maxwell Albright…..Chris Farley
Penny Monroe…..Jeanene Garofalo
Gloria Dudley…..Ellen Cleghorne
Michael Duke of Bedford…..Mike Myers
Kurt Rambus…..Michael Mckean
Kevin Mchale…..Kevin Nealon
Janitor…..Chris Elliot
(opens with the outside of the theater, close up onthe marquee reads “Eeny Meeny Miny Murder, catch akiller in the Mansion of Flurder”, cut to the insideof the theater. Young man in glasses addresses theaudience)
Bob Mackadoo: Good evening ladies and gentlemen.Welcome to Mckeesport dinner theater. I’m your hostBob Mackadoo. Tonight we present Eeny Meenie MinyMuder catch a killer in the Mansion of Flurder. As ourwhodunit unfolds we meet 7 people, each one summonedby a mysterious invitation to the hilltop mansion ofVictor Flurder millionaire industrialist.(beat)Whatfollows is a murder most foul. So follow the trail ofclues and unravel the mystery. The game is afoot.
(Bob leaves the stage, dramatic music plays , open thecurtains revealing an elegant living room full ofantiques with a large fat man sitting in the middleand 4 people, 2 people per couch facing each other.Bob runs into the scene and stands next to the man inthe chair.)
Bob Mackadoo: Well it seems all our guests havearrived. I do have a question though. Do any of youactually knows our host Victor Flurder?
Max Allbright: (snotty voice) You mean you don’t? Ithought I was the only fellow who didn’t. By the wayI’m Maxwell Albright. Of the toothpaste Allbright’s.
Gloria Dudley: (a trace of an Jamaican accent) How doyou do? My name is Gloria Dudley. I’ve heard of yourtoothpaste but I never heard of Flurder until I gotthis letter. Isn’t it odd?
Penny Monroe: (sultry voice) It is odd. I’m Penny Monroeand I don’t know our host either. So, why are weinvited here?
Michael Duke of Bedford: (British accent) Well, there’sgot to be something we have in common. Sorry, uh, I’mMichael uh, Duke of uh, Bedford.
Kurt Rambus: My name is Kurt Rambus. I race cars and asI assume no one pursues that particular livelihood. Ican only conclude there is no common thread. Or isthere?
Kevin Mchale: I’m Det. Kevin Mchale. I work thehomicide detail. I can’t shake this nagging feeling Iwas invited tonight for a reason.
Bob Mackadoo: What are you saying, man? Why– (Lights goout, dramatic music, nervous shrieks, Albright gets uplooking around worried)
Penny Monroe: Oh! What happened to the lights?
Kevin Mchale: It’s probably just a fuse, folks. Weshould go look for the fuse box. All right, everyonesplit up. Each check a room. Alone.
(everyone leaves except Albright. He sits in the chairat center stage)
Maxwell Albright: I’ll stay here in the event ourelusive host makes an appearance. (suspenseful music)(Bob approaches) Kurt? Earl? Is someone there?
Bob Mackadoo: Come into my parlor said the spider tothe fly.
Maxwell Albright: What? Who are you?
Bob Mackadoo: Say goodbye, Mr. Albright!
Maxwell Albright: What? (punch) OOWW!! (punch) OOWW! (punch) WHY ARE YOU (punch) HITTING ME!! (punch) WHO ARE YOU? (punch) YOUR FISTS (punch) ARE CRUSHING MY FACE!! (punch) OWW! (punch) YOUR PUNCHES ARE (punch )AHHH! HEARING MY BONES SNAPPING!! (punch) YOU’RE KILLING ME!! (Max is thrown into a table that smashes under his weight) MY MONOCLE (kick) HAS SLICED (kick) MY EYE (kick) AHH!! (kick) I’M BLIND! (Bob throws Max onto the sofa and continues his unholy beating) I CAN’T SEE (punch) AHH!! STOP! (punch) STOP IT! (punch) YOU’RE KILLING ME!! (punch) OH, GOD! (punch) THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! (punch) OH, MY GOD! I’M SWIMMING IN MY OWN WARM STICKY BLOOD!! FLUIDS SHOOTS FROM MY EYE SOCKETS!! MERCIFUL GOD! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!! ANSWER ME !!! (Bob approaches with a shovel) (clang) OOHH!! YOU’RE USING A SHOVEL (clang) OOWW!! (clang) YOUR FISTS (clang) WERE BAD ENOUGH (clang) NOW THIS!! (clang) OOWW!! I SEE DEATH, HE IS COMING (clang) OOHH! (the force of the last blow throws him against the furniture on the other side of the room, Max on his knees) OH, NO! (punch) OW! (punch) OOWW!! (punch) DON’T LET ME DIE (punch) IN (punch) A (punch) PUDDLE (punch) OF MY (punch) OWN (punch) URINE!!! (Max is again thrown to the ground)
(Cut to backstage the actors are talking out of character)
Penny: Hey am I crazy? or is this death scene going onlike forever.
Michael: (reading Variety)Oh! sorry I wasn’t payingattention. The death scene. Oh my God is it stillgoing on?
Gloria: I had to go put money in the meter. Hi. Isanybody noticing how long the murder scene is goingon?
Penny:That’s what we just saying. So it’s not our imagination, right?
(back to death scene)
Maxwell Albright: DEATH’S COLD LIPS (punch) ARE PRESSEDAGAINST MINE!! DEATH BECKONS ME TO A PLACE WHEREPUNCHES NO LONGER RAIN DOWN UPON MY BODY!! (Bob throwsa big vase on top of Maxwell’s head, vase shatters) MYGOD AAHH!! MY HEAD JUST POPPED LIKE A RIPE MELON!! (Bobis exhausted)
(cut to backstage)
Kurt: You know, I had to reglue my mustache and barelyhad time. Is it just me or are they racing throughthat murder scene?
Penny: Are you serious? We were just saying that itseems that is taking forever.
Gloria: Yeah.
Kurt: Well, of course I’m not serious. Whoo hoo! It’scalled sarcasm. This murder is taking a damn month!
Michael: Maybe it feels longer because it’s the 50thperformance.
Gloria: Well, at least they dropped that saw part, youknow, the chainsaw?
Kurt: Chainsaw, yeah.
(chainsaw sounds from the death scene are heard backstage, actors sigh in disappointment)
(back to death scene Maxwell is sitting in a chair and Bob saws Maxwell’s midsection)
Maxwell Albright: OH!! MOTHER OF MERCY THE CHAINSAW ISTEARING INTO MY FLESH LIKE THE HUNGRY TEETH OFSATAN!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! THE BLOOD SPURTS FROMMY BODY LIKE A ROARING FOUNTAIN!! YOU ARE CARVING MEUP LIKE SO MUCH RAW BLOODY BEEF!! (Bob shoots Maxwellpoint blank range in the head 4 times)
(cut to backstage)
Kevin: This is crazy. I got to pick up my kids at theirgrandmother’s. How much longer is this murder gonnabe?
Michael: We’re not sure. Most of the audience leftanyway so why don’t you take off.
Kevin: I can’t take off. Mr. never gonna die is parkedbehind me. He’s blocking me in!
(Bob enters backstage exhausted)
Bob: I want you guys to know, it’s not me that’smilking it out there. He just won’t die!
Penny: I knew it, I knew it. I knew this murder wastaking longer than usual. It wasn’t my imagination. Iwasn’t sure but now I am.
Bob: You know what I think it is? His parents were in the audience tonight.
Michael: Okay, fine. Let’s go out and just pull the plug on this thing.
Penny: You think that’s–
(back to the stage)
Maxwell Albright: OH! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!! HE’S OFFSOMEWHERE EATING MY BLOODY STOMACH, WHEN WILL HERETURN ONCE AGAIN TO RAIN SHOVEL BLOWS TO MY HEAD (thelights go up on the stage and the actors surroundMaxwell) OH, MY GOD!! NOW THERE IS 6 OF YOU!! HERE TOKILL ME!!! WHY, GOD, WHY!!
(Maxwell on his knees finishes with a dramatic pose,the back of his hand on his forehead. A janitor isputting the audience chairs on top of the tables)
Janitor: Hey, kids. When you’re done with your littleencounter session or whatever the hell it is you’redoing up there. Can you close the door and turn outthe lights? And hey, fat stuff. Your parents said theywill meet you at Shakie’s, the pizza place out on route19, if anyone wants to go. They did say if you could,not to bring up the play, ok. All right kids, knockyourselves out. The play is the thing. Stupid.
(janitor picks up his jacket and leaves)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 21st, 1995
David Hyde Pierce
Live
None
Judge Ito (Mike Myers) sorts through allowable O.J. Simpson evidence.Recurring Characters: Judge Ito, Marcia Clark, Robert Shapiro, F. Lee Bailey,Johnny Cochran.
Pierce is the Very Model of a Modern Major General.
Homeowner (Chris Elliot) promotes laser with contradicting disclaimers.
Teacher (Pierce) applauds students’ plagierized rock lyrics.
Children are prim and proper, until they fall into the icy lake.
Andy (Mike Myers) & Ian (Mark McKinney) butt heads with tennis hooligan (Pierce).Recurring Characters: Andy Gray, Ian Daglers.
Tim Meadows is happy the hockey strike is over.Jay Mohr presents manipulated sports bloopers.
Brainy cadet (Pierce) might be a robot spy.
Lawyers (Pierce, Michael McKean) have nervous habit of shearing sheep.
Foreignor (Pierce) and Jersey kids (Adam Sandler, David Spade) miscommunicate.
Recurring Characters: Lionel Osbourne.
Darrill (Mark McKinney) meets naughty little girl Claire (Chris Elliot) online.
Disney subsidiaries are praised against their competitors.
Goodnights
…..David Hyde Pierce
David Hyde Pierce: Thank you to the cast and crew, thank you to Live, thank you very much for watching, good night!
Foreignors & Jersey Kids
Foreigner…..David Hyde Pierce
Jersey Kid 1…..David Spade
Jersey Kid 2…..Adam Sandler
[open on interior of moving train, with foreigner in window seat and two Jersey kids next to him]
Foreigner: [with heavy, nondescript European accent] Nice, sunny day, yes?
Jersey Kid 2: Yeah, it’s sunny, nice.
Foreigner: I can’t wait to go home to, to see, um, how you say, the woman, oh, you know, marriage woman. No, um, how you say, oh, ring on finger women.
Jersey Kid 2: Yeah, yeah, your doorknob.
Foreigner: Ah! Yes, yes, yes, my doorknob. Is so nice to see her. She make dinner for me at the end of the day. She’s the best doorknob man could ask for.
Jersey Kid 1: Yeah, yeah, you love your doorknob, don’t you?
Foreigner: Oh, oh, yes, oh so much. But, when we dinner, I am getting tired. I have to go to the sleeping place. Eh, with the, how you say, with the blankets and the pillows, and you lay on the–
Jersey Kid 2: Mashed potatoes.
Foreigner: Mashed potatoes! Yes, yes, yes, I sleep in my mashed potatoes. Soft and comfortable-like. Yeah, I like sleeping.
Jersey Kid 1: Yeah, I bet you do. Hey, does your doorknob lay in your mashed potatoes at night with you after dinner? Come on!
[all chuckle]
Foreigner: No, no, no. She has to take care of the, how you say, little one. Little person, tiny person, oh, how you say, just born person.
Jersey Kid 2: Your volleyball.
Foreigner: My volleyball!
Jersey Kid 1: Wow, you must be very proud to be the father of a beautiful little volleyball.
Foreigner: Yes! Yes, but it’s very sad.
Jersey Kid 2: Huh? Why’s that?
Jersey Kid 1: Why’s that?
Foreigner: Well, when me and my doorknob lay in the mashed potatoes at night, [Jersey kids laugh at the misused words] my doorknob cannot stop crying because my volleyball has no lungs or liver.
Jersey Kid 2: Oh, my God, I’m sorry.
Jersey Kid 1: I’m so sorry.
[Jersey kids cover their mouths with their hands and look at each other guiltily as the image freezes]
[voice over and title: “Foreigners and Jersey Kids, learning from each other”]
Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!
Amazin’ Laser
Homeowner…..Chris Elliot
[ open on Homeowner working around his yard ]
Homeowner: Mowing. Raking. Pruning. It takes a lot of work to keep a place like this looking good. But the hard part is getting rid of all this mess – unless you have.. the Amazin’ Laser, the amazing new gardening tool that vaporizes any and all matter in its path, giving your home a professionally landscaped look.
Use the Amazin’ Laser on grass clippings. [ demonstrates ]
[ SUPER: “Warning: Do Not Fire Amazin’ Laser At Police Officers.” ]
Get rid of brushpiles and branches. [ demonstrates ]
[ SUPER: “Warning: Do Not Fire Amazin’ Laser At Military Personnel.” ]
And what about this 1,800 lb. granite boulder? [ zaps it with the Amazin’ Laser ] Gone in a minute, with Amazin’ Laser.
[ SUPER: “Warning: Do Not Use Amazin’ Laser When Drowsy Or On Medication.” ]
How accurate is Amazin’ Laser? Accurate enough to hit a man in a moving automobile, from up to 3,000 feet away! Is that accurate enough for you?
[ SUPER: “Warning: Do Not Fire Amazin’ Laser At The President.” ]
And Amazin’ Laser won’t rust or corrode like metal gardening tools, ’cause it’s made out of 100% durable Lexon plastic. Just watch it go through this metal detector! [ walks through, no problem ]
[ SUPER: “Warning: Terrorists, Please Do Not Buy Amazin’ Laser.” ]
Make your yard look its best, with the Amazin’ Laser! [ zaps a truckful of wood out of his yard ]
[ SUPER: “Warning: Amazin’ Laser Can Be Used For Good Or Evil, Please Use Only For Good.” ]
The Amazin’ Laser. It’s amazing!
[ SUPER: “On Second Thought, Please Do Not Buy Amazin’ Laser.” ]
Announcer: Amazin’ Laser. Available at Walgreens and Rickel Home Centers. Ask for it by name.
Tales of Little Women
Mary…..Janene Garafalo
Schoolboy…..David Hyde Pierce
Toby Adams…..Chris Farley
Patrick Higgins…..David Spade
Devil…..Michael McKean
[ open on graphic: “Tales of Little Women” over quaint New England Winter’s scene ]
Mary V/O: My memories of those years drift in like the breeze carrying the warm smell of the cottonwoods growing down by Thatcher’s Pomd. It was that same Thatcher’s Pond that will forever tug a memory out of the ltitle hope chest in my heart. And that memory will hold my hand as we walk back to that one Winter’s day.
[ dissolve to the four children sitting on the ice pond in the snow. They are all laughing happily. ]
Schoolboy: Oh, Mary.. the chilled winter has made your cheeks as flush as a rose petal. I daresay the most beautiful girl in Cobbleton is.. becoming even more so.
Mary: Why, it’s your kind words that have put a blush in my cheek. Ice skating is ever so much fun! Although, I do feel guilty celebrating while father’s away fighting that horrid war betwixt the states.
Toby Adams: [ laughing ] Mother says it will end soon, and when they march back the town will be.. singing like never before!
Patrick Higgins: Since you mentioned singing, I must tell you that, after we ice skate, some of the others are going wassalling. It sounds like ever so much fun!
Schoolboy: Patrick Higgins, anything sounds like fun to you, that is anything but your schoolwork!
[ the four of them laugh heartily ]
Toby Adams: Mother promised candied plums and cider to all those who feel the nip of Jack Frost this day. Everyone, that is, but Patrick Higgins, for he has schoolwork to do!
Patrick Higgins: [ doth protesting ] That’s simply not true!
[ the four of them laugh heartily ]
[ stands ] Watch, everyone, while I do what the Parisians call a Figure Eight! [ walks across the ice ]
Mary: Toby Adams, you mustn’t! You’ll fall down on your back side, and we’ll miss out on your mother’s scrumptious candied plums!
[ from offscreen, we hear the sound of the ice cracking and Toby crashing through into the icy cold water of the pond ]
[ wide shot reveals Toby splashing desperately in the water, unable to free himself ]
Toby Adams: [ screaming ] Gooooodd!!! Oh, my Gooooooddddd! Sonofabitch! Ohhhhhh!! Sonoabitch!! I can’t feel my legs! Oh, Mother of God, help me! Don’t just STAND there! DO something, you bastards!!
Mary: [ distraught ] Ohh.. oh, my!
Patrick Higgins: Goodness, Mary. I apologize for his foul tone.
Toby Adams: [ screaming ] Pull me out of this icy hell! You little pillow biter!!
Mary: Oh, my goodness! Whatever shall we do?
Toby Adams: [ mimicking ] “Whatever shall we do?!” SAVE me, you stupid WHORE!!
Mary: [ aghast ] But.. but what can we do?! My gracious, I feel faint..!
Schoolboy: That’s alright. Quickly! We must lie on the ice, so we can distribute our weight, and then ease him out of the water.
[ they all lie down on the ice and crouch towards Toby ]
Mary: We’re coming..
Toby Adams: Do what he says, you stupid bags of spit! My life’s in your moron hands! Move it!
Schoolboy: Yes, we’re here! We’re here! [ grabs Toby’s hand ] I’ve got you, old friend!
[ the ice gives way under them, sending the other three friends into the freezing water behind Toby ]
Schoolboy: Oh, holy son of a bitch!
Patrick Higgins: Oh, my God!
Schoolboy: I’m gonna freze!
Patrick Higgins: My testicles are up to my neck!!
Toby Adams: Now, I’m gonna DIE! Surrounded by you stupid piles of dog crap!
[ the Devil materializes on the surface of the pond next to the children ]
Devil: Hello, children!
Schoolboy: [ surprised ] Where did you come from?!
Toby Adams: Who GIVES a rat’s ass?! Just throw us your tail!
Devil: Absolutely! But, alas, there will be a price. Your souls, of course. But there is one more thing!
Schoolboy: Whatever! Just pull us out, asswipe!
Devil: [ laughs ] Ah, then, it is agreed. I want, first, your souls, for all eternity! And, secondly, I want you all to myself, in that nearby toolshed, for five minutes. Anything goes!
Schoolboy: Okay, let’s go, move it!
Devil: Alright, let’s get it on!
[ the Devil laughs maliciously, as the schoolkids tug at his tail ]
[ dissolve back to the hgraphic of the quaint New England Winter’s scene ]
Mary V/O: None of us forgot that Winter’s day. The lessons learned are the same lessons scorched into the pages of the human history. The bonus lesson learned that particular day was to never agree to five minutes in any shack with the Devil. Good Lord..
[ fade ]
David Hyde Pierce’s Monologue
…..David Hyde Pierce
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen.. David Hyde Pierce!
[ David Hyde Pierce enters Home Base dressed somewhat uncomfortably as the very model of a modern major general ]
David Hyde Pierce: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. [ turns to the band ] Maestro!
[ begins to dance in frumpy moves from the Gilbert & Sullivan opera ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]
“Oh, David Hyde Pierce is my name, it’s great to be here in New York
I’m on Kelsey Grammer’s show, I play his brother, who’s a dork.
I’m hosting Saturday Night Live, I’m nervous, I’ve got shaky knees
I love the show, although I haven’t watched it since the seventies.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army come out to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ]
“He’s hosting Saturday Night Live, he’s nervous, he’s got shaky knees
He loves the show, although he hasn’t watched it since the seventies.”
[ soldiers exit ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]
“I love Kelsey like a brother, even though he is my boss
I was just deslighted when he won the Emmy and I lost.
Oh, Kelsey is our show’s big star, I’m number two, that’s only fair
‘Cause he deserves it, even though I’m young and thin and have more hair.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ]
“Kelsey is the show’s big star, he’s number two, that’s only fair
‘Cause he deserves it, even though he’s young and thin and has more hair.”
[ soldiers exit ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing ]
“They made me come and stand out here in a costume that doesn’t fit
This brilliant song was their idea, now I look like an idiot.
This really is embarrassing, I’m mortified, I want to flee
And everytime I sing a line, they sing it back annoyingly.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ]
This really is embarrassing, he’s mortified, he wants to flee
And everytime he sings a line, we sing it back annoyingly.”
[ soldiers exit ]
David Hyde Pierce: [ singing slowly ]
“Hey, Kelsey, what I said before.. I wish that I could take it back
We’ve got a great show, Live is here –“
[ audience cheers ]
“– so, stick around, we’ll be right back.”
[ four soldiers from the general’s army return to repeat the last two lines in song ]
Soldiers: [ singing ]
“Kelsey, what he said before, he wishes he could take it back
We’ve got a great show, Live is here so, stick around, we’ll be right back.
We’ve got a great show, Live is here so, stick around, we’ll be right baaaaaaaaaack.”
Poetry Class
Mr. Templon…..David Hyde Pierce
Alan…..Chris Farley
Randy…..Adam Sandler
Student…..Jay Mohr
Kristin…..Janeane Garofalo
Teacher…..Chris Elliot
[open on classroom with noisy students]
[Mr. Templon enters]
Mr. Templon: [clears throat] All right class. Settle down. Settle down. [class becomes quiet] Now, I went over your poetry assignments last night, and I must tell you I was deeply impressed by the depth of expression and raw emotion. There was one poem in particular came to mind, and I would like for the author to come up here and read it to the class. Alan?
Alan: Me? No way. I thought this was supposed to be private and stuff.
Mr. Templon: Well, that was the idea. But something about the sheer intensity of your poem made me think that the class would benefit from a recitation.
Alan: Come on, Mr. Templon, please? I’m too embarassed.
Mr. Templon: Oh, oh, Alan, there is nothing in your poem to be embarassed about. [walks to Alan and hands him the poem]
Alan: [takes poem, stands, and walks to front of classroom, but faces Mr. Templon] “What I Believe,” by Alan Toshman.
Mr. Templon: Alan, I know the poem; I graded it. Why don’t you turn around and share it with the class? [positions Alan to face the other students]
Alan: “She was a fast machine. / She kept her motor clean. / She was the best damn woman that I ever seen.”
Randy: Dude, you are so busted!
Mr. Templon: Hey! Hey! This obviously means a lot to Alan. You go on.
Alan: “She had the slightest eyes, / Telling me no lies, / Knocking me out with those American thighs…” Oh, forget it. That’s all! I’m done. [crumples poem, drops it on desk, and sits]
Mr. Templon: Oh, oh, now.
Student: [lights a lighter] Dude, that was awesome! [Alan shoves him]
Kristin: Hey, hey, how about reciting your poem, “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap?”
Mr. Templon: Quiet down. I think Alan expressed rather well the urgency of youth.
Alan: Yeah, shut up! Yours probably sucks, anyways.
Mr. Templon: Hey! Hey! Let’s stop all the insults. You know, Alan, Kristin wrote a very sensitive, honest piece.
Alan: Oh, really? Well, I’d love to hear it! How about you guys?
Mr. Templon: That’s a good idea. We’re here to learn. Kristin, come up here.
Kristin: [to Alan] You’re dead. [takes poem from Mr. Templon] “All I Know,” by Kristin Reinhart. “In the air, in the air, / Honey one more time. / Now it ain’t fair. / Love in an elevator. / Livin’ it up when I’m goin’ down. / Love in an elevator.” [puts poem on desk and sits]
Mr. Templon: Kristin, Alan, come up here. Come up. [they do] Class, I want you to take a look at these two, all of you. Now, these two students opened their minds, their hearts, and their souls to us. And in all my years of teaching, I’ve never given an A+. Last night, I gave two. [Alan and Kristin high-five and sit] Now let’s move on. Why don’t we open our texts to page 120…
Randy: Ah, ah, Mr. Templon?
Mr. Templon: Yes, Randy?
Randy: You know the poem I turned in?
Mr. Templon: Um… [thumbs through papers on desk] “Spider Man, Spider Man, does whatever a spider can?”
Randy: Yeah, that’s it.
Mr. Templon: Yeah, I thought it was imaginative and it showed a good sense of rhyme and meter. I was just looking for something a little bit more about you.
Randy: Oh, well I guess I really didn’t understand the assignment. But I have another poem that I didn’t turn in, and maybe I could do it now?
Mr. Templon: All right, let’s hear it.
Randy: [stands and goes to the front of the class] “My Real Poem,” by Randy Balducci. “Ah, can’t you see me standing here? / I got my back against the record machine. / I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen. / Ah, can’t you see what I mean? / I might as well jump–Jump! / Go ahead and jump–Jump!” [bell rings] “Might as well jump.”
[students stand and begin to exit classroom]
Mr. Templon: Okay, tomorrow 140 to 145 in your text. Randy, would you stay for a moment?
Randy: Yeah.
Mr. Templon: [speaks to exiting students] Thanks. Thank you. Good job. [turns to Randy] Randy, I’d like to make an appointment for you to see the school psyciatrist.
Randy: What?
Mr. Templon: Well, I think everyone who heard your poem recognized it as a cry for help. I want you to know that I heard your cry, and I can “see what you mean.”
Randy: Okay, I guess…all right, thanks, Mr. Templon.
Mr. Templon: And, Randy. If you jump, I will catch you.
Randy: Actually, that wasn’t me. That was another guy. But I’ll let him know.
[Randy exits and another teacher enters]
Teacher: Hey, how’d it go today?
Mr. Templon: Oh, you know, the usual. AC/DC, Aerosmith. Oh, oh, one guy actually snuck in some old Van Halen.
Teacher: Oh, geez. Wow, that takes me back. Huh. Well, want to go fire up a doobie?
Mr. Templon: Okay. [drops poems in the garbage as they exit]
Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!
