Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Virtual-Reality Books

Virtual-Reality Books

Spokesman…..Michael McKean

Spokesman: The book. Simple. Uncomplicated. Almost primitive. In an age of fiber-optics and laser technology, books have just been left behind. That is, ’til now. Introducing.. Virtual-Reality Books. where ordinary books stop, Virtual-Reality Books begin. Because, with Virtual-Reality.. you’re a part of the story! Strap on a classic, like.. Herman Melville’s “Moby Dick”.. and prepare to be blown away!

[ Spokesman puts on Virtual-Reality helmet and glove, as view reveals the Virtual-Reality experience of a typical suburban living room ]

Welcome to the ultimate reading experience. Look left.. [ view angles left to virtual lamp ] There’s a lamp. Look right.. [ view angles right to virtual endtable ] ..an endtable. Look up.. [ view angles up to virtual ceiling ] Look down.. [ view angles down to virtual floor ] Your journey begins as you turn the page.

[ Spokesman extends Virtual-Reality arm to turn page of book, revealing slow materialization of the words “Call me.. (more)”. Spokesman tuns the page to reveal slow materialization of the word “Ishmael”. ]

It’s like reading a book in your living room – only better!

And you’re Virtual-Reality experience doesn’t end with “Moby Dick”. In “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”, you’ll travel by raft down the mighty Mississippi, in a journey you’ll never forget.

And, when the kids are asleep, try an adult literature simulation so real, you’ll swear you were making love to one of Jackie Collins’ “Hollywood Wives”. [ view shows virtual book on virutal table, with title “Hollywood Wives on the cover ] Oh, yeahh.. oh-ho-o-o yeahhh!

Virtual-Reality Books. The only limit is your imagination – and ours.

The next generation of reading is here!

SNL Transcripts

A Message From the Former President of the United States

A Message From the Former President of the United States

…..George Bush

Announcer: The following is a message from the Former President of the United States.

George Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is George Bush. I was your president from 1989 to 1993. And, during that time, “Saturday Night Live” made fun of me on a fairly regular basis. Do I have any hard feelings about that? Yes, I do. But I’ll have my revenge, when the time is right. Not now – wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture. But revenge will be mine. Until then, I wish the show continued success.

And now, the host tonight. A young fellow named Dana Carvey has asked me to introduce the show. He’s a friend of mine, I know him well. Bar and I had him up at the White House. Walked off with a pen that had belonged to James Madison. Secret Service beat him up pretty good. I don’t think he’ll ever be “walking off” with anything else for a while. Bar and I are looking forward to watching the show, but I’m gonnas warn ya: I’m a channel surfer. And, if the sketches get long, I’m gonna flip right over to the “Tales From The Crypt”.

Just kidding, Dana. Bar and I are here for you tonight, to give you support. But as far as opening the show with “Live, from New York”, I’m not gonna do it. First of all: I’m in Houston; it wouldn’t be true. And, secondly: it’s just not something I do. So, Dana, have a good show. We’ll be watching. And don’t ever ask me to do anything again!

Announcer: This has been a message from the former President of the United States. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

Goodnights

…..Dana Carvey

Dana Carvey: Well, this has been a blast – here’s my real hair. I’d like to thank Edie Brickell.. and, uh.. I’d especially like to thank, uh, President Bush. If you’re still up, don’t worry – I’m working on my Bill Clinton impression, so you’re safe. Good night. Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

“Office Space”, Part 3

“Office Space”, Part 3

[ show Milton sitting behind desk in what is now being used as his office ]

Milton: Mmm.. well.. f-first of all, they had no right to move me next down here, ‘cuz.. this area’s only supposed to be for storage. M-mmm.. those cabinets are blocking the cold air return.. and.. and it’s a health hazard. Mmm.. so.. if they don’t comply with the regulations, I could make one phone call, and have this entire building condemned. And.. and I could have Bill arrested.

[ sound of Bill’s footsteps in the hall, until he appears in doorway holding onto his trustedcup of coffee ]

Bill: Ah. Hello, Milton, what’s happening? Uh.. we’ve got kind of a problem. apparently, someone saw a cockroach up by the water cooler.. uh-yeahhh.. and the feeling is that they’re coming from down here.

Milton: Mmm.. w-well.. b-but my area is clean..

Bill: Yyyeahhh.. so, they’re gonna have to go ahead and spray in here.

Milton: W-well.. b-but.. Ray’s area up in Accounts Payable is filthy! An-and.. I saw mouse feces under his desk!

Bill: Yeahhh.. they’re definitely coming from in here. So, if you could just make a conscious effort to keep it clean down here, that would be great. Mmmkay? And the exterminator should be here any minute.

Milton: Mmm.. well.. R-ray always eats lunch at his desk, and.. and he spills crumbs on the floor. So..

Bill: And, uh.. one other thing. Technically, we’re not supposed to have anyone working down here. I don’t think it’s gonna be a problem, but, if anyone asks, just tell them you’re down here getting something, mmmkay?

Milton: Well.. but.. I would prefer not-

[ Exterminator papears in doorway behind Bill ]

Bill: Hiii, what’s happening? So, uh.. we’re all set here.. so, why don’t you just go ahead and spray?

Exterminator: Well, uh.. I could spray, but if you really want these things knocked out, uh.. why not just use a roach bomb? Since this is just dead storage down here.

Bill: Yyyeahhhh.. that would be terrific.

Milton: Um.. well..

Exterminator: I’ll go ahead and use the D-50 here. It’s the most powerful insecticide bomb they make. [ tosses roach bomb into the storage area, as fumes encompass an overlooked Milton ]

Bill: Yyyeahhhh.. that’s greeeatt.

Milton: Mmm..

Exterminator: Just make sure no one goes in here for about.. four or five days.

Bill: Grrreatt. Thanks a bunch. Buh-bye.

[ Bill and Exterminator exit down hall, leaving Milton surrounded by thick fumes ]

Milton: Well.. Okay, but.. as soon as I get done alphabetizing my purchase orders.. I’m gonna.. I’m gonna set the building on fire.

[ end ]

SNL Transcripts

Dana Carvey’s Monologue

Dana Carvey’s Monologue

George Bush/Himself…..Dana Carvey
…..George Bush

[ Dana Carvey comes out dressed as former President George Bush ]

George Bush: Take ‘her slow! Slow-ly.. Feel like I’m the Dave Clark Five here! [ chuckles ] Doni’ a little Tai Chi – Dana’s backstage, not quite ready, a little nervous. Sent me out here to stal for time, but.. since we’ve got a minute.. you know, I wanna tell ya, I’ve been feeling good about the Republican Party. Been consulting with some – thank you! I’m in enemy territory here! Been consulting with some Republican pollsters – looks good! It looks good! Sat down with Newt Gingrich and Phil Gramm.. worked up a little ditty. G.E.? You wanna lay down that funky thing you do back there?

[ the band starts to play, as Bush begins to hip-hop ]

“Republicans are teachers
Democrats are students!
Don’t vote for donkey
Wouldn’t be prudent!

Gingrich and Dole
Diggin’ Bill a hole.
You heard me, and I’m in it
We’re takin’ the House and Senate!

We’re not gonna lose
Not gonna do it!
Nah gah
Nah gah
Nah gah
Nah gah!
Not gonna do it
And I’m nah gah!
I say I’m not nah gah..”

Director’s Voice: Dana?

Dana Carvey: What?! I was doin’ my “Nah gah”!

Director’s Voice: Uh.. President Bush is still on the hook-up, and.. he wants to say something.

Dana Carvey: Wha.. wha.. he-he’s here now?

Director’s Voice: Yeah. Should I put him through?

Dana Carvey: [ in Bush voice ] Uh.. alright. Put him in.

George Bush: Dana. George Bush here. I’m watching you do my impression of me, and, I gotta say, it’s nothing like me. Bears no resemblence. It’s bad. It’s bad!

Dana Carvey: Well, I’m sorry, Mr. President! I think it’s a fair impression!

George Bush: Don’t see it.

Dana Carvey: You don’t?

George Bush: It’s totally exaggerated! It’s not me. Those crazy hand gestures.. the pointing thing.. I don’t do ’em! And, also: “Nah gah da.” Never said it. In all my years of governement service, I never once said, “Nah gah da!”

Dana Carvey: Uh.. anything else?

George Bush: Yes! That Church Lady thing. What was that all about? Never got the point.

Dana Carvey: [ in Church Lady voice ] Well, isn’t that special?

George Bush: Dana. gotta go. Bye.

Dana Carvey: Well, perhaps he’s got a point. Is he gone, Davy?

Director’s Voice: Yep.

George Bush: Hit it, G.E.!

[ singing ]

“Nah gah!
Nah gah do it!
Nah gah!
Nah gah do it!”

Edie Brickell is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ singing ]

“Nah gah do it..!”

SNL Transcripts

Court TV

Court TV

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
Johnny Carson…..Dana Carvey
Kato Kaetlin…..David Spade
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
Judge Ito…..Mike Myers
James Wallace…..Chris Elliot
Joan Embrey…..Janene Garafalo

Terry Nolan: Hello, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the O.J. Simpson murder trial. An unusual twist in this already unusual case. Simpson, this week, added another high-profile, high-priced talent to his defense team.

[ dissolve to the O.J. Simpson trial, Marcia Clark questioning witness Kato Kaetlin ]

Marcia Clark: Thank you, Mr. Kaetlin. No further questions, Your Honor. Uh.. your witness.. Mr. Carson.

[ show Johnny Carson heading the defense table, Robert Shapiro and O.J. Simpson further down the table ]

Johnny Carson: [ holding a pencil ] Um.. now, uh.. Mr. Kaetlin? You had dinner with O.J. on the night of the murder?

Kato Kaetlin: [ relunctant to answer ] Yeah.

Johnny Carson: Um.. let me ask you something: Did he.. did he seem a little weird?

Kato Kaetlin: No, no, uh.. he was cool?

Johnny Carson: So, he didn’t seem agitated? A little ske-ewed?

Kato Kaetlin: Not that I noticed.. no.

Johnny Carson: Well, that is wild! That is some wild stuff that helps my client. [ looks at Robert Shapiro ] Isn’t that right, Bob?

Robert Shapiro: You arecorrect, sir!

Johnny Carson: [ to Kato ] Um.. you’re an interesting young witness. Would you ocme back and testify for us again sometime?

Kato Kaelin: Sure.. yeah.. thanks, I’d like to.

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: The next day in court, Carson seemed momentarily shaken by the testimony of the prosecution’s DNA expert.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom ]

Johnny Carson: We are.. back! And, um.. we’re talking to James Wallace, the prosecution’s DNA expert! now, for those of you who may not know – DNA is genetic material. Is this, uh.. this is complex stuff. Right, Bob?

Robert Shapiro: Ha ha, yes, sir!

Judge Ito: Uh.. uh, Mr. Carson.. please.

Johnny Carson: Alright, alright.. now, ummm.. [ extended pause ] Now, a little birdy told me you tested O.J.’s DNA, is that it?

James Wallace: Yes, that’s correct. And we found that it matched the DNA of the blood samples found at the murder scene.

Johnny Carson: Correct me if I’m wrong, but there must be hundreds of people in the, uh.. Los Angeles area with the same DNA as my client?

James Wallace: Well, actually, no. This, uh.. test, uh.. uh.. actually rules out about 99.9999% of the population. It’s, uh.. actually better than fingerprints.

Johnny Carson: I did not know that! Did you know that, Bob?

Robert Shapiro: Yes!

Johnny Carson: Did you know that, O.J.? [ O.J. is silent ] Well, that is some weird, weird stuff! That is some weird, damaging stuff!

Robert Shapiro: Very damaging, YES!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Two days later, Carson delivered a courtroom bombshell, in the form of a surprise witness: San Diego Zoo employee Joan Embrey.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom ]

Johnny Carson: We are.. back! Alright. Now, we had a little chaos in here. We are, um.. we’re joined by Joan.. Joan Embry, of the San Diego Zoo. What have you, uh.. what have you brought for us today?

Joan Embrey: Well, Johnny.. this is a domestic long hair. And, uh.. she’s your basic house cat. Her name is Marshmallow, and uh.. she may look very tame.. but, actually she’s closely related to the Siberian Tiger and the Leopard family.

Johnny Carson: So, you’re saying that this, uh.. this cat is basically a wild animal?

Joan Embrey: You could say that.

Johnny Carson: Well, that is wild! That’s wild. Now, um.. let me ask you this: uh.. could a cat.. hold a knife in its paws?

[ trying not to laugh ] That’s.. highly unlikely!

Johnny Carson: But you’re saying that it is possible?

Joan Embrey: Uh.. [ thinking ] I suppose so.. yes..

Robert Shapiro: Hey-ohhhhhhhh!! [ Johnny glares at Robert ] Ha ha!

Johnny Carson: A little early, isn’t it, Bob?

Robert Shapiro: Ho, ho ho ha..!

Johnny Carson: Anyway.. uh.. that’s some good stuff. That is some weird, wild stuff that, uh.. could establish reasonable doubt!

Robert Shapiro: Exculpitory evidence, O Great One! Ho ho..!

Johnny Carson: May Alan Dershowitz ask to borrow your co-o-o-ombb!

Robert Shapiro: Ho haaaa ha!

Johnny Carson: Now, um.. could I get a better look at that?

Joan Embrey: Sure. [ hands Johnny the cat ]

Johnny Carson: So, ummm.. let’s just say.. let’s just say a cat, in the heat of the moment.. grabs a knife, and just dort of loses control.

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Later in her testimony, Miss Embrey brought out more suspects, including a baby marmaset, and a ring-tailed lemur. Judge Ito them ordered a short recess to hose down the courtroom. When testimony resumed, Mr. Carson attempted to determine the contents of the mystery envelope.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom ]

Johnny Carson: “Bills.. Bills tailback.”

Robert Shapiro: [ repeating ] “Bills tailback!” Ho ho..!

Johnny Carson: May you be sequestered for a week with Al Cowlings’ sweatpants!

Robert Shapiro: Ho ho ho ha ho! Yes!

Johnny Carson: “Bills tailback..” [ tears envelope open ] Do you like this, Judge? [ blows into the envelope, for easier access to the card inside ] “What does Hillary Clinton want from Gennifer Flowers?”

Robert Shapiro: Hey-ohhhhhhhhhhhh!!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: That’s all for today at the O.J. Simpson trial. Join us tomorrow for Johnny and his guests: L.A.P.D. detective Rick Fuhrmann, limo driver Allan Park, and comedian Buddy Hackett.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Pepper Boy

Pepper Boy

Marco…..Dana Carvey
Female Diner #1…..Laura Kightlinger
Male Diner #1…..Kevin Nealon
Carlo…..Adam Sandler
Female Diner #2…..Janene Garafalo
Male Diner #2…..Tim Meadows
Male Diner #3…..Chris Elliot
Male Diner #4…..Chris Farley
Manager…..Michael McKean

[ open on couple seated at table in fancy restaurant, as pepper boy Marco steps forward ]

Marco: A-fresh a-pepper?

Female Diner #1: Oh.. sure.

Marco: Alright. Say when. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ]

Female Diner #1: When.

Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi! [ turns to Male Diner #1 ] Fresh pepper?

Male Diner #1: Just a little bit,

Marco: Alright. [ grinds pepper oh-so-sexy ] Say when.

Male Diner #1: Uh.. that’s good.

Marco: [ stops grinding pepper ] A-grazi!

[ Marco walks towards the back, where Carlo nervously awaits ]

Marco: Look, Carlo, come here! You see what I am doing with the pepper? You see what I do with the pepper?

Carlo: Yes, Senor Marco..

Marco: The people! The people they want the pepper, alright? They want the pepper! I grind the pepper! That is the job of the pepper boy, you understand?!

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper.

Marco: Yes. Very good, very good. Some day, Carlo, you will-a be a pepper boy! Now, watch. You pick up as a-we a-go, okay? Come on, now. [ approaches next couple at table, as Marco follows closely ] Fresh.. pepper?

Female Diner #2: Sure.

Marco: [ begins to grind pepper in a sexy manner ] Say wheeenn..

[ Female Diner #2 moans excitedly ]

Marco: Say wheeeeennnnnn..

Female Diner #2: When! When! [ stands up to kiss Marco on the lips ]

Marco: A-graziiiii! [ returns to Carlo ] You see? You see, Carlo? You see how the pepper works, Carlo?

Carlo: I am afraid, Senor Marco..

not be afraid of the pepper, Carlo! The pepper is your friend!Alright? Look! I see a salad! You go, you take-a the pepper. [ hands pepper grinder to Carlo ]

Carlo: [ hesitant ] No, no, no..

Carlo: You take-a the pepper, Carlo! Take-a the pepper! Take-a the pepper! Now, go! Go with the pepper.

Carlo: [ approaches table cautiously ] Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #2: Sure. Sounds good.

Carlo: [ bows ] A-grazi! [ returns to Marco ]

Marco: Carlo, didn’t you forget-a something, huh?

Carlo: Uh.. oh, yes.. [ returns to table, kisses Male Diner #2, returns to Marco ]

Marco: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Carlo! No! You make-a a mistake!

Carlo: The a-grazi?

Marco: No! That part, the a-grazi was good! But you no give-a the pepper! That’s the whole point, Carlo! Here. you watch me, alright? Here we go. Watch-a the pepper. [ takes pepper grinder and approaches table ] Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #2: Yes. I’ve been waiting quite some time for this pepper I’ve heard so much about.

Marco: Say whenn.. [ grinds pepper from behind his back ] You like-a the pepper, huh?

Male Diner #2: Wow! Very good!

Marco: You like-a the fresh-a pepper, huh? Let’s-a get some pepper in there.. let’s-a get some pepper. [ raises one leg on Male Diner #2’s chair, then places pepper grinder between his legs to grind pepper as though masturbating ] You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: [ excited ] Yeahhh..

Marco: You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: That’s good!

Marco: Senorita, like-a the pepper, huh? You like-a the pepper?

Male Diner #2: That’s very good, thank you so much!

Marco: [ stands behind Male Diner #2, who has his arms raised, grinding the pepper with him between the action ] Let’s-a get back over-a here. Remember, to-a say when, let’s get behind here, give-a more pepper. You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeah!

Marco: You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh!

Marco: You like-a that, huh?

Male Diner #2: Yeahhhh! Yeahhhhh! Yeah!

Marco: Alright!

Male Diner #2: Thank you very much! Your wizardry with that pepper mill really brightened my day! Here’s $200!

Marco: A-grazi! [ returns with Carlo to the back ] Now, now, now.. come here, come here.. come here, Carlo! Now, now! Let me tell you! You see what I do with the pepper, huh? You see? You got to also say “When?” and then, you also got to give them the pepper! Okay?

Carlo: When?

Marco: Yes!

Carlo: Give-a the pepper.

Marco: Yes! That’s-a very good! Very good! I be-lieve in all-a my heart, you can do this, Carlo! Now.. try again, alrght? You take-a the pepper, you try again. Let’s-a go.

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #3: On my chocolate mousse? No thank you.

Carlo: Say when. [ begins to grind pepper onto the chocolate mousse ]

Male Diner #3: No! [ Carlo keeps grinding ] Hey, cut it out, come on!

Carlo: Say when.

Male Diner #3: No, come on! Don’t!

Carlo: Say when!

Male Diner #3: No, come on! Come on!

Carlo: [ places the grinder between his legs, gridning the pepper toward the mousse as though he were humping the table ] Say when! Say when! Say when! Say when!

Marco: Carlo! Carlo! Carlo! [ slaps Carlo repeatedly across the face ] Carlo, I love you, but sometimes..

Carlo: I do bad things?

Marco: No, no, no, no, not everybody want the pepper, Carlo! There are rules! The man eat a chocolate mousse, he no get the pepper! Alright!

Carlo: No pepper?

Marco: No pepper! But the woman with the Caeser salad, she a-get a-the pepper!

Carlo: Pepper!

Marco: That’s right. This is the art of the pepper boy, Carlo! Don’t let it die with me! Please.. let me-a teach it to you!

Carlo: Teach me, Senor Marco.

Marco: Alright. You see the man right there. [ points to Male Diner #4, who sports a big, fat bushy beard ] Yeah.

Carlo: Biiiigggg, faaaattt bushy beard?

Marco: Big, fat bushy beard. He like-a three twists of pepper!

Carlo: Three?

Marco: Three! Now.. make-a me proud! Hah?

[ Carlo nervously zeroes in on Male Diner #4 ]

Carlo: Fresh-a pepper?

Male Diner #4: [ enthusiastic ] Why.. yes!

Carlo: [ apprehensively, Carlo steadies his pepper grinder over Male Diner #4’s plate ] Say.. when.

Marco: [ supportive of Carlo ] Alright.. alright..

Carlo: [ twists pepper grinder ] One.. two.. [ nervous, pauses as Male Diner #4 and Marco watch patiently ] ..three..

Male Diner #4: [ grateful ] Why.. thank you, Pepper Boy! That’s the perfect amount of pepper! Bravo!

Carlo: Grazi!

[ Carlo returns to Marco, feeling proud of himself ]

Marco: Oh, you did it, Carlo! You did it! How do you feel?

Carlo: Like I can fly, Senor! On-a wings made of pepper!

Marco: I’ve been a-waiting so long for this, Carlo! Come here! Come here! Come here! Look! Look at this!

Carlo: [ in awe ] My own pepper!

Marco: Yes! It’s for you! I love you, Carlo!

[ Manager steps into the scene amidst Marco and Carlo’s celebration ]

Manager: I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news, boys. I just bought one of these electric pepper grinders for every table in the place! [ demonstrates the whirring pepper grinder ] How about that, huh! You’re both fired! [ exits ]

Marco: This is an outrage, Carlo! We-a gonna show them! We open-a our own restaurant! Together!!

Voiceover: [ over scrolling SUPER ] “Marco and Carlo’s restaurat, Fresh-a Pepper, opened the next summer. It was an immediate success. Dishes created in their kitchen, such as the Pepper Sandwich, Steamed Pepper a la Marco, and Pepper Surprise, a big pile of pepper, made them famous. In 1993, Carlo died of pepper lung, but Marco is still alive today, in a nursing home made of oregano; they were out of pepper.”

[ fade ]

Goodnights

Goodnights

Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey
…..Jay Mohr
Crazy Eggbeater Head…..Adam Sandler
…..David Spade
Neighborhood Dad…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on nighttime exterior, Dallas ]

[ dissolve to exterior front door of Ross Perot’s house, as three children costumed as a mummy and a witch wander onto his porch and ring the doorbell ]

[ Perot opens the door ]

Kids: Trick or treaaaatt!!

Ross Perot: [ annoyed at the sight before him ] Trick or whaaaat?

Kids: Trick or treat!!

Ross Perot: Alright, let me get this straight: you put on a funny mask, I’m supposed to give you an Almond Joy?! Well, think again, Mummy Boy! [ slam his door ]

[ the kids simply ring the doorbell a second time, as Perot takes the bait once again ]

Kids: Trick or treaaaatt!!

Ross Perot: You again, is that it?! Okay, fine! I’ll play your little game! Now, here’s the deal: you scare me, you get a Baby Ruth! You understand?! [ examines first kid ] Now, what are you supposed to be?! Let me see, little boy! You supposed to be a ghost?! Is that it?! Well, there’s just a boy under a sheet! Doesn’t scare me at all! [ examines second kid ] Now, what about you?! Supposed to be a witch?! Is that it, you’re supposed to be a witch?! Well.. if you’re a witch, where’s your broom?!

Little Girl: We just want soem candy..

Ross Perot: [ fuming, he won’t be ignored ] I asked you a question! A witch flies on a broom! Where’s your broom?! No broom, no candy! Good bye! [ slams his door ]

[ the kids retreat defeated, but another soon appears where they once stood. They ring the doorbell, as Perot answers. ]

Kids: Trick.. or trea-ea-eatt!!

Ross Perot: Well, that is a pitiful trick-or-treat! You can’t even get together on that! Now, come on over here.. come on over here. Is this gonna go on all night? Is that the idea? [ examines first kid ] Now, what.. what the hell are you supposed to be?! I can’t make hide nor hair what this is! What is that?!

Little Boy: I’m a Powe Ranger!

Ross Perot: A Power Ranger? A Power Ranger? You think you’re a Power Ranger? Now, I know personally.. a United States Marine Corps Power Ranger – now you don’t look a thing like him! You’re disgusting! You make me sad! Get out of my face! [ moves over to examine a second kid ] Now.. that’s a werewolf! That’s scary! See, a werewolf will bite your head off, Power Ranger, whatever the hell you are! Now.. you’re a werewolf, you scare me – you get sa Butterfinger! You two, try again next week! [ slams his door ]

[ ]

Trick or Treeeeat!

I’m Crazy Eggbeater head! I got an eggbeater on my head! Now give me some candy!!

Ross Perot: [ not the least bit amused ] That is just sad! You look like an idiot with a blender coming out of your skull! Now, unless you have a pituitary problem, or some glandular condition, you gotta be at least 17! Now, when I was 17, I was pumping gas, serving the United States Navy! You got an eggbeater on your hair, begging for some candy! You see?! That’s the difference! I’m an American, proud and strong! You three are a bunch of freaks! Good bye! [ slams his door ]

Let’s do it..

Yeah..

[ they step back, and begin to pelt Perot’s front door with rotten eggs and run away into the night ]

[ Perot angrily opens the front door and hustles onto his porch ]

Ross Perot: What is that, is that all you got?! You’re gonna throw some- hey! Come on back here! I’ve gotten people out of Turkish prisons – you think a little egg on my stucco can make me run and hide?! Think again!! I’m 5-foot-6, and naturally muscular! [ strikes a macho boxing pose ] I go downstairs.. then I go upstairs.. then I go downstairs.. then I go upstairs-

[ Neighborhood Dad steps onto the porch while Perot is acting foolishly ]

Neighborhood Dad: Mr. Perot!

Ross Perot: Now, what the hell do you want?!

Neighborhood Dad: My name is Judd McAlister!

Ross Perot: Is that right?!

Neighborhood Dad: That’s right!

Ross Perot: Is that right?!

Neighborhood Dad: I live down the block-

Ross Perot: All right!

Neighborhood Dad: My son was here not twenty minutes ago! You made fun of his Simba costume – now he’s home crying his eyes out. What do you think about that?!

Ross Perot: He should go home! It was a lousy sostume, didn’t scare me a bit!

Neighborhood Dad: You threatened to put a razor blade in his apple!

Ross Perot: [ offended ] I did NOTH-ING of the SORT!

Neighborhood Dad: You didn’t?

Ross Perot: [ jumpy ] Can I finish?! Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I fin-ish?! Can I finish?! Is there a chance I can finish?! You can go on all night – can I finish, can I finish, can I finish?! Can I fin-ish?! Can.. I.. finish?! [ quick pause ] Can I finish?! Caaan.. I.. finish?! [ pause ] I can finish? you’re not gonna interrupt me? Alright. Now, do you know what a razor blade can do to a 6-year old’s gums?! You want me to paint a picture for you?!

Neighborhood Dad: [ angered ] Look, Perot.. stay.. away.. from my child! [ exits porch ]

Ross Perot: I’m not in charge here, I just do what the volunteers tell me. Sad loser! [ slam his door ]

[ more kids arrive on Perot’s porch and ring his doorbell; Perot answers the door wearing a Bill Clinton mask and a sign that reads “Draft Dodger”. ]

Kids: Trick or treeeaat!!

Ross Perot: Now, what’s the matter? You kids should run and hide! I’m Bill Clinton, the scariest man in the whole wide world! I’m gonna send you to die in a foreign land!

[ the kdis begin to cry ]

Ross Perot: [ lifts his mask ] Is that it? Is that it? That’s enough crying – I say stop, right now. Now! I’ll give you some candy. Is that what you want, then you’ll stop crying? Okay. Say “NAFTA’s bad!“, and get a piece of candy.

Kids: NAFTA’s baaaddd!!

Ross Perot: That’s getting better! Now, say “Al Gore’s an ugly idiot!”

Kids: Al Goooore’s an ugly idioooot!!

Ross Perot: I like that! You can be my little kids!

[ candy is distributed, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Al Franken
Hans … Dana Carvey
Franz … Kevin Nealon

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit, sits at the WU desk andremoves the paper clip from his well-organized sheafof papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand this is the news:

Judge Lance Ito this week barred all potential jurorsfrom reading Faye Resnick’s controversial new bookNicole Brown Simpson: Diary of a LifeInterrupted. The judge also barred them fromreading Faye Resnick’s other new book entitledJudge Lance Ito is a Big Fruit. …

In other book news, Prince Charles released anautobiography in which he states that he never lovedPrincess Di and that his father pressured him to marryher. The book is entitled Of Course, O. J. Did It– I Mean, C’mon! …

And the Pope came out with a book this week whichcontains a series of essays examining faith andmorality in today’s secular world and the changingrole of the Catholic Church as it approaches the 21stcentury. The book is entitled God Himself Told MeThat O. J. is Guilty. … [cheers, applause andmuch whistling]

Queen Elizabeth II visited Russia this week, becomingthe first English monarch to set foot in the SovietUnion. The visit, which will last for two weeks, isexpected to have absolutely no effect on anythingwhatsoever. [mild reaction, Norm grins and nods toindicate that that’s all there is to the joke] …[brief pity applause]

Norm MacDonald: Well, now that Election Day isjust two weeks away, here, with his report on Campaign’94, Weekend Update political correspondent AlFranken. Al?

[Cheers and applause for curly-haired, bespectacled AlFranken who wears a suit and tie. Norm shakes handswith Al.]

Al Franken: Hello, Norm. Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Now, Al, uh, you’ve beencovering these midterm races?

Al Franken: Uh, yes.

Norm MacDonald: Any general trends seem to beemerging?

Al Franken: Uh, yes, Norm. This appears to bethe roughest campaign year ever.

Norm MacDonald: Negative campaigning?

Al Franken: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I’ve been coveringpolitics for a long time and this is, without a doubt,the most mean-spirited year I’ve ever seen. Now, takefor example, Massachusetts [scattered applause] whereSenate challenger Mitt Romney is spending millions ofdollars on attack ads like this one. Watch.

[Dissolve to ad with photo of a ruddy-faced TedKennedy accompanied by minor key music and adeep-throated, smarmy announcer’s voice over.]

Announcer V/O: On October 14th, 1978, TedKennedy is seen puking in the parking lot of the U.S.Capitol. … On February 8th, 1983, Kennedy relieveshimself on the leg of a Georgetown waitress. … Twoyears later, Kennedy passes out on the floor of theSenate, soiling himself in the process. … Kennedy –He’s a big, fat drunk. …

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al andNorm at the desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Yeah, that wastough.

Al Franken: It’s a tough year. Tough year. …And it’s really become a no-holds barred contest. Uh,watch this. This is one of Kennedy’s attack ads onRomney.

[Dissolve to another ad with minor key music and adeep-throated, smarmy announcer’s voice over.]

Announcer V/O: [Image of Brigham Young] Mormonprophet Brigham Young believed that a man ought tohave as many wives as he wants. Apparently, MittRomney agrees. [Side by side images of Young andRomney] After all, he’s a Mormon. [Upbeat trumpetfanfare as we dissolve to a photo of Mr. and Mrs. TedKennedy.] Ted Kennedy — One Wife at a Time….

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al andNorm at the desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Okay, so Massachusetts, then,is the nation’s dirtiest race.

Al Franken: Oh, no. No, uh, I want you to watchthis one. It’s a Huffington ad run in California andthe key here is that this is run only on Christiancable stations. Watch this.

[Dissolve to a third ad with photo of Diane Feinsteinaccompanied by even darker minor key music and an evenmore snide announcer’s voice over.]

Announcer V/O: Diane Feinstein is againstprayer in school. And no wonder. She’s a Jew.…

[Dissolve back to Al and Norm at the desk, bothshaking their heads.]

Norm MacDonald: Man, that was – that – that wasugly. …

Al Franken: It was ugly. It’s an ugly year….

Norm MacDonald: Well, that has to be the mostunprincipled ad in the country.

Al Franken: You know, that’s what I thought,Norm … I saw this Pataki ad run right here in NewYork, an attack ad on Governor Cuomo. Let’s watchthis.

[Dissolve to a fourth ad, similar to the others, witha photo of Mario Cuomo.]

Announcer V/O: Mario Cuomo says he’s tough oncrime. But what Mario Cuomo will not tell you is thatin 1968, he was involved in a chainsaw massacre. …[Footage of a chain saw being switched on and someonebrutally thrusting the chainsaw into a man’s crotch]Cuomo — He’s a Murderer. …

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al and astunned Norm.]

Al Franken: That’s – That’s a negativead. …

Norm MacDonald: Man, well, at least, that’s,uh, that’s the worst one.

Al Franken: Yeah, but, uh, remember, Norm,there’s still two and a half weeks left in thecampaign. [grins broadly]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks, Al. Al Franken, ladiesand gentlemen! [Cheers and applause, Norm shakes handswith Al]

Al Franken: Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Al Franken!

To discourage worship of the Dalai Lama, the Chinesegovernment has banned all photos of the exiled Tibetanleader, except for this photo from the 70’s. [Doctoredphoto of Dalai Lama wearing long sideburns, a loud,wide-collared shirt and a matching jacket and pantsensemble.] …

[Photo of Princess Diana standing next to a geeky,starstruck uniformed doorman] New York City doormanLenny Ladenhoff nearly fell over from shock whenPrincess Diana confided to him that she was feelinghorny … and invited him to drop by her hotel suiteThursday evening. Way to go Lenny! … [briefapplause]

Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn has announced plans for anew hotel forty-six stories high set on a seventeenacre island in the middle of a fifty acre artificiallake on the Las Vegas strip. In a related story, Motel6 now has shampoo. …

Helmut Kohl was elected to his fourth term asGermany’s chancellor this week. Experts say Mr. Kohl’ssuccess was guaranteed after he won the backing ofsinging sensation David Hasselhoff. … Which onceagain proves my old theory: Germans love DavidHasselhoff. … [applause]

Norm MacDonald: And now, here with a commentary… [crowd squeals with delight] … Hans andFranz!

[Cheers and applause for Hans and Franz, former TVhosts of an informative training program for theserious weightlifter. A vocal arrangement of whatsounds like a J. K. Emmett yodel accompanies theirarrival. They wear gray sweat shirts over theirmuscular bodies, are each missing a tooth at the frontof their mouths, and continually flex and posethroughout their commentary, which they speak withthick Austrian accents.]

Hans: All right. All right.

Franz: All right.

Hans: Yeah, thank you very much. Long time, nosee. I am Hans.

Franz: Ya! And I am Franz and we just want togive–

Hans and Franz: [clap their hands] Aneditorial! …

Hans: All right. That’s right. But first ofall, we have to apologize.

Franz: Yeah, that’s right, Hans. It must bevery frustrating for you to see our properly pumped-upbodies crammed behind this puny little desk.

Hans: Ya! You know, we came back from asabbatical and then we said, “Where’s our spaciousgymnasium?” And they said– [falters, overcome withemotion] Ya, they said–

Franz: Say it, Hans.

Hans: Ya, right. They said they threw itout!

Franz: Ya, ya, right in the garbage. Ourbeautiful gymnasium!

Hans: Life-size cut-outs of Arnold –irreplaceable! …

Franz: That’s right. All of it, gone. And theysay, “Why don’t you just do an editorial onUpdate?”

Hans: Yeah, Update — where reoccurringcharacters go to die!

Franz: That’s right. … Hear me now, we arenot here to talk. We are here to give–

Hans and Franz: [clap] Warnings!

Franz: To all the other reoccurringcharacters.

Hans: Yes, hear me now and believe me later …Enjoy your popularity while it lasts — because it allends up at this desk right here. …

Franz: That’s right, Hans. Ya, that’s right.You – you hear that, “Coffee Talk” Lady?

Hans: Ya, more like Flabby Talk Lady!

Franz: Ya, ya, the Update graveyard is calling.Yoo-hoo!

Hans: Yoo-hoo, hello, “Coffee Talk” Lady!Hello! We could crush you like a fly between ourmuscular buttocks but then you’d get all verklempt!…

Franz: Ya. Ya, and you, too, Stuart Smalley,you sensitive, pathetic girly-man. … Because you’repuny enough, you’re flabby enough and, doggone it,you’re a loser. … [cheers and applause]

Hans: Ya! Ya, that’s right, Stuart Smalley.Your muscles are so puny they don’t even register onthe Flab-o-meter. …

Franz: Ya, that’s right. Ya, believe me, if yousaw it, you would be flab-bergasted. …

Hans: That’s right. And you, too, Mr. MotivatedSpeaker.

Franz: Ya, that’s right. You might be living ina van down by the river now — but soon you will beliving in a new – in a van down by the Updatedesk!

Hans: That’s right.

Franz: Next to Hans and Franz and–

Hans: That’s right.

Franz: [to Norm] –and what is your name?Twiggy?

Hans: Twiggy Man here. [to Norm] What’s yourname, Twiggy? What is it?

Norm MacDonald: Norm. Norm, Norm.

Hans: Norm.

Franz: Next to Hans and Franz andTwiggy.

Hans: Ya! That’s right. Twiggy Man. …

Norm MacDonald: Look, guys, we really don’thave time for this. Do you have anything else tosay?

Hans: [to Norm] We don’t have time for this?What do we have time for?

Franz: [to Norm] All right. Yeah, we’re justabout finished. You know, the guy who was here beforeyou was much nicer. … [extended cheers and applause- Kevin Nealon, playing Franz, was the previous Updateanchor]

Hans: All right. Now, it’s okay. You know, weall have to have a sense of humor. [to Norm] Don’t getyour puny muscles all in a little bunch. [to thecamera] Once again, I am Hans.

Franz: Ya. And I am Franz.

Hans and Franz: And we just want to [clap] getour set back!

Hans: Thank you!

[Rousing cheers and applause milked by Hans and Franzwho flex and pose impressively.]

Norm MacDonald: Hans and Franz! Hans and Franz,everybody! [Hans continues to milk applause, much toNorm’s amusement] Hans – and Franz. [Norm sighs andstarts to read the next item but must pause to gatherhimself] The …

[Photo of teenage boy displaying a scarred leg] TheBrazilian teenager suing Michael Jackson for runninghim over with his van displayed his scars for aphotographer this week. Jackson said through aspokesman that the suit was baseless but he’d like tosee more photos. … [some groans from thecrowd]

A jury this week awarded 8.9 million dollars to a manwho said Tylenol destroyed his liver. Immediatelyfollowing the decision, Tylenol announced its newadvertising campaign: “Take Tylenol — and you justmight win 8.9 million dollars.” … [someapplause]

Well, a beef-flavored water for dogs hit stores thisweek. And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrivalnext month of the newest water flavor: “Other Dogs’Asses.” … [cheers, applause, groans]

[Image of Dr. Suess cartoon character the Cat in theHat] And finally, in honor of the 50th anniversary oftheir first publication, Random House will bereleasing special commemorative issues of many Dr.Suess classics. The first to hit the bookshelves willbe Green Eggs and Ham and O.J. is Guilty. …[applause]

And that’s all for now. Good night!

[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade awayas Norm shuffles his disorganized mass of papers onthe desk. ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts