Author: Don Roy King

Good Morning Brooklyn

Angela Tucci…..Sarah Jessica Parker
James Barone…..Jay Mohr
Maria…..Janene Garafalo
Ant’ny…..Michael McKean
Angelo…..Adam Sandler
Richard Diller…..Chris Farley

Angela Tucci: Hello! And welcome to “Good Morning Brooklyn”! I’m Angela Tucci! Wit’ me as always, is James Barone!

James Barone: Alright. Good morning, Brooklyn. How are ya, huh?! [ audience applauds wildly ] Yeah!

Angela Tucci: Hey, James! How ya’ doin’?

James Barone: Hey, you know I’m doin’ a’ight!

Angela Tucci: You doin’ alright?

James Barone: I just said I’m doin’ a’ight! Fuggidaboutit now!

Angela Tucci: Hey, what are you on drugs, talkin’ to me like that?!

James Barone: I’m sorry! Come on!

Angela Tucci: Ah, fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: Alright..

Angela Tucci: Alright, Brooklyn.. now’s the time on the show when we go down to the street and see what’s botherin’ ya’s. We got Maria on 33rd Ave. Maria, how are ya’?

[ cut to Maria standing in front of a grafittied brick wall on 33rd Ave. ]

Maria: Yeah, how you guys doin’? Listen.. I used to work down at 31 Flavors, and my boss fired me ’cause he said my hair and nails was a health code violation. What am I supposed to do?!

James Barone: Heyyyyy, Maria.. I’ll tell ya’ what to do, a’ight? Relax! ‘Cause yor boss is a real stukach!

Angela Tucci: A marmalute!

James Barone: The guy’s a jomoke!

Angela Tucci: A hump!

James Barone: Heyyyyy, what’s this guy wantcha to be – bald?!

Together: Fuggidaboutit!!

Angela Tucci: And, Maria, because we used your question.. you win a free day of beauty at Connie De Padesta’s House Of Class!

James Barone: That’s right! A’ight, for all of you’s goin’ to work this mornin’, let’s talk to Ant’ny with the traffic report. Ant’ny, how are ya!

[ camera shifts to Ant’ny standing at the city map, just to Angela and James’ right ]

Ant’ny: Hey, I’m doin’ alright. I ain’t the doo-doo-do’s gotta drive to work this mornin’. Oh, it is bad!

James Barone: Oh, a’ight, how ’bout the Brooklyn-Queens Tunnel?

Ant’ny: Fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: Manhatten Bridge?

Ant’ny: Fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: Long Island Expressway?

Ant’ny: Fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: 59th Street Bridge?

Ant’ny: Fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: How ’bout the Williamsburg Bridge?

Ant’ny: Fuggidaboutit!

Angela Tucci: So, Ant’ny.. you’re sayin’ the traffic conditions goin’ into Manhatten are bad this mornin’?

Ant’ny: You do what you gotta do, I ain’t sayin’ nothin’!

James Barone: That’s right. That’s right. A’ight, Ant’ny, thank you. Now.. we’re gonna bring out a few guests now on “Good Morning Brooklyn!” Nobody, you know, famous or nothin’ like that.. just, you know, someone from the neighborhood.

Angela Tucci: Today’s first guest is an old friend of ours who started an acting career.

James Barone: Oh, that’s right, Angela. And he’s doin’ awesome! Last year, he got his big break when he appeared in “Sleepless In Seattle”. So, would you please welcome.. Angelo!

[ Angelo enters through the front door, looking back into the street to an unseen instigator ]

Angelo: No, you move YOUR car!! [ closes the door and sits to James’ left ] What’s up, James? You doin’ a’ight? How ya doin’, Angela?Angela Tucci: Angelo.. I understand you brought a clip from your movie. Why don’t you set it up!

Angelo: [ disinterested ] I don’t know.. Tom Hanks played this hump.. he, like, goes to New York to find this broad, or something.. I don’t know what the hell it’s about.

James Barone: Okay.. okay. Okay, Brooklyn, here’s our friend Angelo in “Sleepless In Seattle”!

[ dissolve to a clip of a helicopter camera circling outward atop the Empire State Building, dissolve back to the studio ]

James Barone: Aw, geez! Unbelievable! Look, Angelo, that was so awesome, man! [ leans close to Angelo ] Hey, listen, man: not for nothin’, but uh.. Meg Ryan’s in that movie, right?

Angelo: Yeah.

James Barone: Did you bang that broad, or what?

Angelo: What do you think?

James Barone: [ laughs ]

Angela Tucci: [ interrupting ] What are you guys talkin’ about?

James Barone: Nothin’! Shut up!

Angela Tucci: Hey! YOU shut up!!

James Barone: Hey! [ a beat ] That hurts me, Angela. [ leans back over Angelo ] I’m serious.. did you bone this broad, or what?

Angelo: Why? You wanna bang her, or something?

James Barone: [ offended ] What?! You gotta be a real jerk askin’ me something like that on my own show!

Angelo: Sorry..

James Barone: You know I’m goin’ out with Gina!

Angelo: Sorry..

James Barone: Get outta here! Fuggidaboutit! Get outta here now, before I give you a beatin’! Go, you mutt!

Angelo: [ stands and makes his way for the door, pointing back at James ] You think you’re so great, James! [ quick beat ] But you’re not! [ exits ]

Angela Tucci: That was Brooklyn actor Angelo! Remember that name, he’s gonna be big!

James Barone: He’s also gonna be dead. [ changes the subject ] Our next gust is new to Flatbush. He just moved here from Rockford, Illinoise.

Angela Tucci: He’s opened a karate school on Labonia Avenue. Please welcome Richard Diller!

[ Richard Diller enters through the front door, dressed in karate togs ]

Richard Diller: [ enthusiastic ] Hi, everybody! [ sits down next to James ]

Angela Tucci: Hi, Richard. I understand that anyone who joins your karate school.. gets a month of lessons for free! Is that true?

Richard Diller: [ happy ] Yes, it is, Angela!

James Barone: [ stunned ] Wo-ho-ho! What are you’s doin’, pal?! You ain’t gonna make no money like that!

Angela Tucci: Shut your mouth! I think it’s a nice gesture!

Richard Diller: Well, thank you, Angela! And, if you’ll just step over here, I’d like to give you a lesson right now! How do you like them apples?

Angela Tucci: Oh, Richard, that’s so nice! [ grabs her purse, and stands ]

James Barone: Whoa-ho-ho, where you goin’ now? You don’t know this guy-

Angela Tucci: Hey, what’s the matter with you? It’s a free lesson! Get off of me!

James Barone: Alright.. hey, do me a favor – go! I want you to go!

Angela Tucci: I’m go-ing!

James Barone: FUGGIDABOUTIT!!

[ Angela stands next to Richard, as he demonstrates being a mugger going for her purse ]

Richard Diller: Okay, Angela, I’m a mugger, and I’m reaching for your purse, and-

Angela Tucci: Hey! [ knees Richard in the groin, dropping him to the floor ]

Richard Diller: That’s not KARATE, you kneed me in the GROIN!!

Angela Tucci: Get outta here, you MUTT!!

[ Richard flees the studio ]

Angela Tucci: He grabbed for my purse!

James Barone: Grabbed your purse?!

Angela Tucci: Yeah!

James Barone: I’ll grab his ass!

Angela Tucci: Ah, fuggidaboutit! I took care of him!

James Barone: Alright, come on, what happened over there?

Angela Tucci: I said fuggidaboutit!

James Barone: A’ight.. A’ight, that’s all the time we have today on “Good Morning Brooklyn!” Thanks for joining us. Join us tomorrow: I get a haircut! Huh! [ laughs, then turns back to Angela ] Come on, what happened over there?

Angela Tucci: Fuggidaboutit!

Voiceover: Angela Tucci’s hair and make-up by Connie De Padesta’s House of Class.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

The Casting Couch

Robert Evans…..Michael McKean
Daniell Swalich…..Sarah Jessica Parker
Caller #1…..Laura Kightlinger
Caller #2…..Janene Garafalo

[ open on wide shot exterior of Robert Evans’ house, with title card superimposed over it ]

Announcer: Live from Beverly Hills, it’s “The Casting Couch”, with Robert Evans.

[ dissolve to interior, where Robert Evans is laughing gleefully while supposedly on the phone with one of the major celebrities he once worked with in the past ]

Robert Evans: Oh, Jack, that’s fabulous! Ha! Oh, stop it, Jack Nicholson, you’re making me laugh! [ notices the cameras ] Oh, excuse me, I’ve gotta go. Love to Rebecca and the kids! Yeah, you too, Irish! Ciao! [ hangs up, and addresses the cameras ] Hello, I’m Robert Evans: mega-producer and author of.. “The Kid Stays In The Picture”. Welcome to “The Casting Couch”. Now, each week we are visited by some of Hollywood’s loveliest and youngest new talents.. in their search for that special role that will catapult them into an actual screen appearance. [ toasts his glass ] Scone! But enough of this yattita-yattita.. let’s bring out the new stuff! I met her at Tower Records, just outside.. I helped her to find her car, and she wants to be an actress. Let’s have a big, warm “Casting Couch” welcome for.. Danielle Swalich!

[ Danielle enters and sits next to Robert Evans ]

Robert Evans: Hello, Danielle! How are you, darling? Please sit down, please! [ chuckles pleasingly ] You have some pictures for me?

Danielle Swalich: Oh.. yes, sir.

Robert Evans: Good!

Danielle Swalich: [ nervously ] I went to the man that you recommended – he charged me $750..

Robert Evans: [ in an authoritative manner ] Lesson 1, baby: Good pictures cost good money! Let’s have a look here.. [ sorts through the photos ] Ohhhh, yeah! Very nice! How old did you say you were?

Danielle Swalich: Um.. 19?

Robert Evans: Verrrry nice! Yes! so, tell me a little something about yourself.

Danielle Swalich: Well, um.. I’m an Army brat, I sort of grew up all over-

Robert Evans: [ interrupting ] Don’t sell yourself short, honey – that’s Lesson #2.

Danielle Swalich: Oh no, I wasn’t, I just-

Robert Evans: Then, Don’t interrupt the master! That’s Lesson 3. Ha ha ha ha! Would you care for some very expensive wine?

Danielle Swalich: [ not sure what to make of Robert Evans ] Oh.. sure.. thanks.

Robert Evans: I’ll pour! The butler.. [ thinknig ] ..it’s his “day off”, let’s say! [ pours the wine ] Yeahhh.

Danielle Swalich: So.. Mr. Adams–

Robert Evans: It’s Evans! Ha! Robert Evans. Ha ha ha!

Danielle Swalich: Right. Okay, Mr. Evans.. um.. wh-what is all this? I mean.. I thought that you said you were a producer..

Robert Evans: I am the producer, kiddo! “Rosemary’s Baby”, ’68; “Love Story”, ’70; “The Godfather”, ’72.. “Chinatown”, ’74.. uhhh.. the.. how about “Sliver”, ’93? Any of these ring a bell?

Danielle Swalich: [ excited ] You did “Sliver”?!

Robert Evans: [ pleased ] Yeaahhhhh..

Danielle Swalich: [ impressed ] Oh, my God! Wow! Billy Baldwin is so HOT!

Robert Evans: [ cooly ] Would you like to meet him?

Danielle Swalich: Oh, my God! Could I! Yeah!

Robert Evans: [ reconsidering ] Actually, nooo.. we’re currently involved in a bit of litigation. And I’ll tell you one thing: if that punk shows his face around here, he’s finished in this town!

Danielle Swalich: [ curious ] H-how are you gonna do that?

Robert Evans: SShhhhh.. my ex-wife is sleeping in the next room.

Danielle Swalich: Really? That’s really weird.

Robert Evans: She’s Ali McGraw, you know.

Danielle Swalich: Who?

Robert Evans: That’s right! My ex-wife is Ali McGraw – ’69 to ’72! I was also married to actress Camilla Sparr, ’65-’66; and former Miss America Phyllis George! [ pleased with himself ] Ah ha ha!

Danielle Swalich: Who?

Robert Evans: That’s right, Phyllis George! Hmm hmm hmm!

Danielle Swalich: [ with a “Whatever” look on her face ] Alright, I believe you?

Robert Evans: Hmm.. good! It’s good to beieve. Let’s, uh.. let’s take some calls from the public, shall we? [ turns on the phone lines ] Alright, you’re on “The Casting Couch”! Let’s do it!

Caller #1: Yeah.. is this Bob?

Robert Evans: Guilty as charged, my pet!

Caller #1: Bob, this is Amber. We met at the cleaners. I did your show, and everything..

Robert Evans: Er-riiiiight..?

Caller #1: Well, you know, you said you might have a part for me in your new movie? Well.. i-it’s been, like, a month.

Robert Evans: A month! A month! Let me tell you a story.. [ turns to Daniell ] You should like this, too. When Francis Coppolo showed me the first cut of “The Godfather”, it was only twen-ty-three-min-utes long. I wouldn’t have shown this to my dog. I personally recut this film into the classic work of genius that it is today!

Danielle Swalich: [ desperate to escape ] Should I leave?

Robert Evans: No, no, no, no! We’re screening “Urban Cowboy” at six!

Danielle Swalich: [ confused ] “Urban Cowboy”? Is that a movie?

Robert Evans: It’s a classic, darling. [ back to the phones ] Alright, you’re on “The Casting Couch”! Talk to Daddy!

SNL Transcripts

Decision ’94

News Anchor…..Kevin Nealon
Hudnut…..Chris Elliot
Mrs. Hudnut…..Laura Kightlinger
Mickey Rourke……Jay Mohr
Rick James…..Tim Meadows

[ open on “Decision ’94” title card ]

[ dissolve to News Anchor at the news desk ]

News Anchor: Welcome back to “Decision ’94”. The Republican tidal wave continues to roll, and we are now able to declare a winner in the Montana Second Congressional Race.. [ show to election results card, showing Hudnut with 7% vs. Crane’s 93% ] ..where, with 2% of the precincts reporting, it is clear that the Democrat incumbant, Bob Hudnut, has suffered a stunning defeat at the hands of his Republican rival, carnival ride manufactuere Dan Crane. Let’s go now to Hudnut Headquarters, where the nine-term Congressman is about to make his concession speech.

[ dissolve to Bob Hudnut Headquarters, Hudnut taking the podium amongst his supporters yelling “Hudnut! Hudnut!” as Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” is heard in the background ]

Bob Hudnut: Thank you, thank you! Thank you all!

Man In Crowd: We love you!!

Bob Hudnut: [ chucking ] Oka-ay! Well, thank you! Well ,the polls closed about a minute ago, and uh.. I just phoned Dan Crane to congratulate him.

[ the crowd awwws ]

Bob Hudnut: Let’s have none of that, he’s our congressman now.

Man In Crowd: Noo!

Bob Hudnut: No, yes he is. The people have spoken.

Man In Crowd: No, they HAVEN’T!

Bob Hudnut: Uh, sir.. please, please.. if you could just stop..

Man In Crowd: OKAY!

Bob Hudnut: Well.. uh, it’s been a long and hard campaign, and uh.. I gues I made some mistakes!

Man In Crowd: No, you didn’t!

Bob Hudnut: No, sir, this is hard enough.. as it is, if you could. Uh.. one mistake, I’ll tell you right away, was not to answer some of those negative ads! Geez, like the one my opponent ran, showing that murdered nun next to a picture of me smiling with my thumbs up! Yeah, that one was a little much, but.. uh.. still, I wish him well. He’s.. our congressman now.

Man In Crowd: No, he ISN’T!!

Bob Hudnut: Sir, yes he is!

Man In Crowd: I’m from another district!

Bob Hudnut: Oh.. okay. Sorry. [ short pause ] I’d like to, uh.. thank my good friend President Clinton, uh.. for coming out here to this district, uh.. a record fifteen times. Uh.. to get the faithful out. And, uh.. boy, Hillary, I-I know we could not have gotten 7% without her.. so, big thanks there. Also, to all the celebrities that have come out here to Montana to help in the, uh. election here. Some of them are here tonight. Mickey Rourke, come out here. [ haggard Mickey Rourke stumbles up to the podium ] Godo guy. And singer Rick James, right over here. [ Rick James steps up to the podium ] And these towo guys right here really supported my prison reform plan to rehabilitate violent criminals, and get them back on the street as soon as possible. [ Mickey and Rick make out with Hudnut’s wife, and kiss and hug on him as well ] So, uh.. thanks, guys, I appreciate that, I really do. Alright, that’s.. more than enough.. thart’ll do it for me. Okay. And, of course, I do want to thank Michael Dukakis, who uh.. could not be here tonight, because he’s back east doing one more push for Mario Cuomo. So, good luck, guys, I hope that works out.

Regrets? Uhhh.. geez, I guess I had a few! [ chuckles ] I don’t know.. I suppose I dshouldn’t have sunk all my money into print advertising instead of television. [ spins his finger on the side of his head ] That’s something I’ll just be playing over and over again up here in the weeks to come! Uhh.. I honestly just felt people read more, and.. uh.. well, the sad truth is, they watch more TV. So, there you have it.

Man In Crowd: We love you!

Bob Hudnut: Ha-okay! Thank you, sir! Uh.. but.. here now, uh. I must close and say that my career has, uh.. come to an end. Uh.. in Washington, after eighteen years. I like to think that I am proud of some things that I’ve done here. Im.. I know that, wherever I go, whatever I do, the Bob Hudnut Gasoline Surtax will always be part of your lives! and I’m going to continue to fight the good fight against the NRA right here in Montana! So, you can always count on me for that!

So, uh.. in closing, please remember, uh.. Bill Clinton, in ’96! [ laughs ] Thank you, and, uh.. oh! You know there is just one more.. big regret.. uh.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Eterna-Rest

Woman…..Janene Garafalo
Spokesman…..Michael McKean
Man…..Chris Elliot

[ open on couple looking over the casket at a memorial service ]

Woman: I don’t know, she just doesn’t look comfortable.

Spokesman: Maybe it’s the mattress.

Together: The mattress?

Man: Gee, I didn’t know there was that big a difference betwen coffin mattresses.

Spokesman: Obiously, you’ve never heard of Eterna-Rest.

Together: Eterna-Rest?

Spokesman: Eterna-Rest’s unique posture coil system adjusts to the contours of your loved one’s body, providing support where it’s needed most. But that’s just the beginning of the Eterna difference. [ demonstration shows the body decomposing ] Because, as your loved one decomposes, Eterna-Rest keeps adjusting, and Eterna-Rest knows that no two bodies decompose in exactly the same way. Even as skeletal remains shift and collapse, Eterna’s patented inner-coil conforms and supports, so your loved ones can rest in peace.

Together: [ together ] Rest in peace.. [ they laugh ]

[ SUPER: “Later” ]

Woman: She looks so serene.

Man: Thanks to Eterna-Rest.

Spokesman: And don’t forget new Eterna-Rest casket air freshener. [ places one in the casket ]

Woman: Does it last forever?

Spokesman: Well.. no. Just through the period where it would really stink.

Announcer: Eterna-Rest. We keep working, even though you’re dead.

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Sarah Jessica Parker

Sarah Jessica Parker: Thank you, I had such a great time. I want to thank REM! And every single cast member! Thank you! All these people – thanks, I hope you had fun!

[ Michael Stipes removes his giant sunglasses and hands Sarah Jessica Parker a bouquet of flowers; his giant hat is removed by ?? and placed on the head of Chris Farley ]

SNL Transcripts

Nice & Naughty Guitarists

…..Sarah Jessica Parker
…..Michael McKean
…..Adam Sandler
Stacks…..Tim Meadows

Sarah Jessica Parker: [ addressing the audience directly ] This is a song about love, and what it means to me.

[ Michael McKean appears on acoustic guitar, playing a soft romantic melody ]

Michael McKean: [ singing ]
Giiiiirl
We’ve been together for so looooong
Our love’s so very, very strooooong
I’m so glad you’re mi-i-iiiine.

Sarah Jessica Parker: [ singing ] Iiiiiii’d..

Together: [ singing ]
I’d do anything for yoooooou
I’ll always be your true bluuuuuue
We’re forever in loooooove

Michael McKean: [ singing ]
Love is sharing
Knowing someone’s caring, for yooooou.

Sarah Jessica Parker: [ singing ]
Tonight, you have to go away
Though it’s only for a day
It’s a hard.. thing.. to doooo.

Michael McKean: [ singing ] But my heart will be with yoooou.

[ Michael steps back, as Adam Sandler steps in to a hard-rocking beat ]

Adam Sandler: [ singing ]
You call me about 8:30!
Said he’s gone, and you’re feeling dirty!
You are like a monkey in heat!
I’d better bump it to the sugar sweet!

I’m gonna give it to ya good!

Sarah Jessica Parker: You gotta give it to me good!

Adam Sandler: I’m gonna give you the wood!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah, your wood’s real good!

Adam Sandler: I said, Oh yeah!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Oh, yeah!

Adam Sandler: I said, Uh huh!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Uh huh!

Adam Sandler: I said it’s gonna feel all right!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah, do me all night!

[ Adam backs off, as michael steps back in with a softer beat ]

Michael McKean: [ singing ]
Oh, Iiiiii..
I picked a flower for yoooou
A daisy kissed by morning dewwwww
How I cherish your looove

I’m going to the store
I’m walking through the door
But I’ll be back before you knoooooow

Sarah Jessica Parker: [ singing ]
Don’t be away too long
I’ll try hard, to stay strong
For I know.. our love.. will grooooow.

Michael McKean: I know my love, I knoooow.

[ Michael steps back again, as Adam Sandler steps back in to a hard-rocking beat ]

Adam Sandler: [ singing ]
Now he’s just walked out the door!
So I’m coming back for more!
You’re screaming, “Give it to me quick!”
I’m dreamin’ on the floor
That you’re lyin’ there more!
‘Cause I’m the one they call Daddy Long-Sneaker!

I said Hell, yeah!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Hell, yeah!

Adam Sandler: I said, Rock me, baby!

Sarah Jessica Parker: I’m rockin’ you, baby!

Adam Sandler: Just give me five or ten!

Sarah Jessica Parker: And we’ll do it again!

[ Adam backs off, as Michael steps back in with a softer beat ]

Michael McKean: [ singing ]
Thoughts of yoooou
Always fill my heeeeeead
Even though you don’t share my beeeeed
Soon we’ll be together as oooooone

Together: [ singing ]
Iiiiiiiii
I don’t mind waaai-ting.
‘Cause we’re both ant-i-ci-pat-ing
Our lovely wedding day.

[ Michael steps back again, as Adam Sandler steps back in to a hard-rocking beat ]

Adam Sandler: [ singing ]
Well, I love it when you talk!
Dirty to me with your legs wrapped around my back!

Now, I’d like to introduce ya to someone I know!
A guy who works at Midas, name’s “Stacks”!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Will he give it to me good?

Adam Sandler: He’s gonna give it to ya good!

Stacks: I’m gonna give ya the wood!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Yeah, like a good boy should!

Adam Sandler: I said, Uh-huh!

Sarah Jessica Parker: Uh-huh!

Adam Sandler: I said it’s real good stuff!

Sarah Jessica Parker: I can’t get enough!

[ Michael steps into the action ]

Michael McKean: What the hell’s goin’ on?!

Sarah Jessica Parker: I thought you were gone?!

Michael McKean: What do you two jerks have to say?!

[ a beat ]

Adam & Stacks: [ singing ]
We were just having fun
Please, put away your gun..

All: I guess there’ll be no weddiiiing.. daaaaay…

[ guitar licks to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

The O.J. Simpson Trial

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
O.J. Simpson…..Tim Meadows
Judge Ito…..Mike Myers
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
Miss Osbourne…..Ellen Cleghorne
Kato Kaelin…..David Spade
…..Brian Austin Green
A.C. Cowlings…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Court TV logo, dissolve to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Good eveinng, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial. Well.. this was it. The first week, in what will certainly be the most watched, most talked about murder trial in United States history. It began, as expected, with a motion by Defense to dismiss all charges against Mr. Simpson. Here, the Prosecution responds:

[ dissolve to Judge Ito’s courtoom ]

Marcia Clark: Your honor, the evidence against the defendent is clear.. and indisputable. It can lead to one conclusion, and one conclusion only, and that is that the defendent, O.J. Simpson, is guilty.

[ close-up on O.J.’s face, as he grimaces at the thought of being guilty ]

Marcia Clark: First of all, there’s the bloody glove found on the defendent’s property.. [ O.J. grimaces ] The testimony of the limo driver, which contradicts the defendent’s alibi.. [ O.J. grimaces ] The DNA test, which connect the defendent to droplets of blood found at the crime scene.. [ O.J. grimaces ]

Judge Ito: Counselor, uh.. what about the DNA results for the blood on the Bronco?

Marcia Clark: Well, that, so far, is inconclusive.. [ O.J. smiles ] But, according to the tests, the hair found at the crime scene does match that of the defendent’s. [ O.J. grimaces ] And now, at this time, your Honor, I’d like to move to adjourn.

Judge Ito: Very well. It’s been a long day, so, uh.. we can all go home, and the, uh.. defendnet can return to his cell.. [ O.J. grimaces ] Which, I understand, is being repainted today. [ O.J. smiles ] Although, there will be some paint fumes for the next few days. [ O.J. grimaces ]

Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, if it pleases the court?

Judge Ito: Mr. Shapiro.

Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, we’re all very hungry. The defense would like to suggest, before we adjourn, we all order out for a pizza.

Judge Ito: Uh.. the answer that I give, Counselor, uh.. can it be something with vegetables, like broccoli?

Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, how about half-broccoli, half-sausage?

Marcia Clark: No, Your Honor, if it please the court.. uh.. the prosecution would ask that, in place of broccoli and sausage, that we order a four-cheese pizza.

[ looks of confusion are exchanged throughout the courtroom ]

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: The following day, jury selection began. And, from the tone of attorney Robert Shapiro’s questions, it appears that Defense intends to play the “race card”.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom ]

Robert Shapiro: Miss Osbourne, do you believe that a person of color can possibly achieve a fair trial in this profoundly racist society?

Miss Osbourne: No, I do not.

Robert Shapiro: And would you say the defendent’s only real crime was being a black man in white America?

Miss Osbourne: Yes, I would.

Robert Shapiro: Now, Miss Osbourne, have you ever seen the tape of Rodney King being beaten by white police officers?

Miss Osbourne: Many times.

Robert Shapiro: And don’t you think that.. a great way to even the score for the Rodney King beating would be to acquit Mr. Simpson of all charges?

Miss Osbourne: Yes, I do!

Robert Shapiro: I have no problem with this juror, your Honor.

Marcia Clark: [ interrupting ] Uh.. move to dismiss this juror.

Robert Shapiro: Oh, come on!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Later that same afternoon, we saw another of those one-in-a-million coincidences that have been a hallmark of this case.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Kato Kaelin at the stand ]

Marcia Clark: Would you state your name, please?

Kato Kaelin: Brian “Kato” Kaelin.

Marcia Clark: So you are the Kato Kaelin?

Kato Kaelin: [ meekly ] Yeah.

Marcia Clark: And you are here because you received a notice to appear for jury duty?

Kato Kaelin: [ meekly ] Yes, ma’am.

Marcia Clark: And you were assigned to ,i>this case?

Kato Kaelin: [ meekly ] Yeah.

Marcia Clark: And you didn’t think there might be a potential conflict?

Kato Kaelin: Uh.. hey, I go where I’m told!

Marcia Clark: You Honor. Please.

Kato Kaelin: Hey, hey, can I say something, you guys? Is this gonna be a long trial? Because I’m shooting, uh.. an “Acapulco Heat” TV show next week.

Marcia Clark: Uh.. Mr. Kaelin, I don’t think there’s much chance that you’re gonna serve on this jury.

Kato Kaelin: Cool.

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Later that afternoon, Kato Kaelin was back in court. This time with friend Brian Austin-Green, from “Beverly Hills 90210”.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom, Kato Kaelin entering the courtroom with Brian Austin-Green and other friends ]

Kato Kaelin: You guys! This is the courtroom from when we had the trial! Okay? See where that guy is up there. [ points across the courtroom ] That’s where I testified. And that’s the prosecution, and, uh.. that guy’s Judge Ito.. and there’s O.J.! [ waving ] Hey, dude! What’s up, dude!

Babe: Wow.. there’s a lot of people in here!

Kato Kaelin: Yeahhhhh!

Judge Ito: Uh, Mr. Kaelin? We are in the middle of a court proceeding.

Kato Kaelin: I’m sorry, uh.. Judge Ito – Kristin, Jennifer.. Brian Austin-Green – Judge I-to!

Brian Austin-Green: How you doing?

Judge Ito: How do you do? Uh, Mr. Kaelin.. this is a courtroom. Please sit down and be quiet.

Kato Kaelin: I’m sorry. Okay. [ sits ?? ]

Judge Ito: Not there.

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: But the real fireworks came on Friday, when long-time Simpson associate Al Cowlins finally took the stand.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom, A.C. Cowlings at the stand ]

Marcia Clark: Would you state your name, please?

A.C. Cowlings: [ yelling each time he’s asked a question ] I’m A.C.! You know who I am, dammit!!

Marcia Clark: Alright, I.. would you tell us your full address, please?

A.C. Cowlings: 2-1-3 Willowcox!! You know where I live, dammit!

Marcia Clark: Uh.. Mr. Cowlings! We’re in a court of law! There’s no reason to shout!

A.C. Cowlings: I KNOW there’s no reason to SHOUT, dammit!! I’m A.C.!

Marcia Clark: No further questions!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: Finally, the week ended with Robert Shapiro’s meticulous questioning of the Simpson team’s own DNA expert.

[ dissolve back to the courtroom, A.C. Cowlings still at the stand ]

Robert Shapiro: For those of us who are layman’s, Mr. Cowlings, would you please explain.. what DNA is?A.C. Cowlings: [ yelling ] You KNOW what DNA IS, dammit!! It’s genetic information encoded on a double-helix!!

Robert Shapiro: Now, Mr. Cowlings, may I remind you we are on the same side?

A.C. Cowlings: I know..

Robert Shapiro: So, will you tell us what a double-helix is?

A.C. Cowlings: You KNOW what a double-helix is, dammit!! It’s DNA!! I’m A.C.!! AWWWW, man!!

[ dissolve back to Terry Moran ]

Terry Moran: At that point, Judge Ito called a recess, to allow prosector Marcia Clark to make it to the Viper Room in time to hear Kato Kaelin and Johnny Depp’s new band. I’m Terry moran for Court TV.

[ dissolve to Court TV logo, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream

…..Steve Martin
Bob Hillets…..Chris Elliot
Dave Marcus…..Kevin Nealon

Steve Martin: Hi, I’m Steve Martin. With so many celebrities endorsing cosmetics these days, I wanted to make sure the cosmetic I endorsed was very special. That’s why I’m proud to put my name on.. Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula. Try my new beauty cream, and in a matter of weeks your penis will be looking smoother and softer, the way women like it. And because of the new formula no more scaling. Here’s how it works:

Just take a small amount and rub gently on the penis for several minutes up to a half-hour. You’ll notice a difference right away. And, don’t worry, a slight discoloration is normal. Bob, tell us, how has my Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula helped you?

Bob Hillets: Well, Steve, I’m in real estate, and if I’m not confident, I can’t do my job.

Steve Martin: And you can’t feel confident unless your manhood is smooth and soft, right?

Bob Hillets: Exactly! If I’m thinking about my appearance, I’m not thinking about selling houses. The day I started using Steve’s cream, I sold three houses. Now, I have more energy than before, my confidence is sky-high, I just got my pilot’s license, and next week I’m flying solo from L.A. to Tahoe with nothing onboard except two jars of your cream.

Steve Martin: That’s great!

Bob Hillets: Well, the best part, Steve, is that now I can throw away all those cans of turtle wax.

Steve Martin: Our next guest actually started using my new cream by accident. Isn’t that right, Dave?

Dave Marcus: That’s right, Steve. I thought it was for something else.

Steve Martin: And now that you’ve been using the product, how have you found it?

Dave Marcus: Well, Steve.. I’ve found I have a lovelier, more luxurious, softer penis than I ever had with other beauty creams, probably because it’s the first beauty lotion made especially for the johnson. I’ll tell you – if I could afford it, I would use your cream 24 hours a day.

Steve Martin: And, is your wife more attracted to you now that you’ve been using my cream?

Dave Marcus: Well, Steve, my wife recently left me, But before she did, she told me, “I hope you and your Steve Martin’s Beauty Cream will be very happy.

Steve Martin: Well, that’s a lovely tribute! Thank you, Dave. Steve Martin’s All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula. You know it’s safe. Why? Because it’s tested on animals. And, if you order by mail, don’t worry – it’s shipped in a plain brown wrapper with the words “Not Penis Cream” stamped all over it in big red letters. So pick up a jar today, and remember, it’s the only cream with a picture of my penis on it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Super Sports Tours

…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Super Sports Tours is proud to announce its 1994 Fall baseball cruise! On September 28th, it’s all aboard the Pacific Queen for a week of fun and sun with some of your favorite baseball stars. Including:

[ each ballplayer is shown in an onscreen card as their name is called ]

Three-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens, from the Boston Red Sox. You’ll also meet the Pirates starting shortshop, Jay Bell. And former gold glove catcher, Cleveland’s Tony Pena.

They’ll all be there with you, as you tour the Carribbean Islands on a 1,200-foot luxury liner. Enjoy our 24 hour-a-day gourmet banquet food and drink. And don’t talk baseball with real major league stars, like:

Mets all-star slugger, Bobby Bonilla. As well as Blue Jays pitcher, Todd Stottlemyer. And the Padres’ Pip Roberts. And Bill Plantier.

All of these stars will share the tropical sun and fun with you. Annnd so will:

Seattle Mariner’s superstar, Ken Griffey, Jr. Colorado’s Andres Galarraga. And Florida’s Jeff Conine. Also, the Brewers’ Cal Eldred. Annnd the Cardinals’ Ozzie Smith.

Relax.. swim.. dine.. and dance with: Giants’ slugger Matt Williams. And the Braves’ Terry Pendleton and Tom Glavine. They’re all along for the trip. And so are the Phillies’ Danny Jackson, John Kruk, and Lenny Dykstra. And the Rangers’ Will Clark. and the White Sox’ Frank Thomas, Tim Raines, Joey Cora, and Jack MacDowell. And also from the Braves: Mark Lemke and Kent Mercker. And also from the Phillies, Darren Daulton. Annnnd many, many more.

Like Baltimore’s Cal Ripkin, Jr. And Chicago’s Sammy Sosa. And Mark Grace. And the Tigers’ Cecil Fielder. And the Red Sox’ Mo Vaughn. And also from the Yankees: Don Mattingly, and Mike Stanley, and Paul O’Niel, and Jim Leyritz and Danny Tartabull and Jim Abbott, and Randy Velarde and Gerald Williams and Matt Nokes. Annd don’t forget about the Angels’ Chili Davis, and Tim Salmon And the Padres’ Tony Gwynn. And many more.

For example: the Indians’ Kenny Lofton. And the Twins’ Shane Mack and Kirby Puckett.

[ dissolve to an extensive quick scroll of over 700 names of baseball players ]

This is Super Sports Tours biggest baseball cruise ever! Over 700 major leaguers, sailing with you and eleven other lucky guests. That’s almost 70 players per passenger!

It’s six glorious days and nights through the beautiful waters of the Carribbean. Including a stop at the Dominican Republic, where we’ll be joined by: The Dodgers’ Ramon Martinez and the Astros’ Andujar Cedano.

Don’t miss this unprecedented opportunity. Prices start at $399. Space is limited on the ship. So don’t delay. Call 1-600-HOME-RUN.. today!

[ dissolve to a group of striking baseball players onboard the cruise ship ]

Ball Players: We’re on vacation.. and you should be, too!

Announcer: Call now!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
… Laura Kightlinger
Gil Graham … Adam Sandler

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and red necktie, sits atthe WU desk removing the paper clip from hiswell-organized sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonaldand now — the fake news. …

Yesterday, Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed thatmystery envelope to be opened — and it appearsSimpson may already have won ten million dollars….

Haitian general Raul Cedras, who will be stepping downin two weeks, held a hasty garage sale of someknick-knacks he’d acquired while in office. [Photoof a mounted collection of skulls. Mild reaction fromcrowd.] … You’re big fans of the Haitian strongman,are ya? …

Another breakthrough in the Middle East. Arab andIsraeli negotiators, workingthrough the night, accidentally resolved the baseballstrike.

[Photo of documentarian Ken Burns with his trademarkdorky haircut] And filmmaker Ken Burns announced that,following his “Baseball” series, his next documentaryproject will be a twelve hour, eight part “History ofthe Dorky Haircut.” …

Former First Lady Barbara Bush published her memoirsthis month. Readers wereshocked by her revelation that, while living at theWhite House, she had sexwith former President George Bush. …

And now, with a commentary, here is Weekend Updatecorrespondent Laura Kightlinger. Laura? [Applause aswe pan over to Laura.]

Laura Kightlinger: Thanks, Norm. You know, Ithink it’s important to stop and pay attention to whatlife can teach you. I was fired from a job recentlyand I think whenever something ends in your life,whether it be a relationship or a job, there’s alwaysa message. And that is: “You’re no good. No one needsyou.” Now, what surprised me most about being firedwas that everyone said the same thing to console me:”You know, everything happens for a reason.” And astrite as that sounds, I think it’s better to hear itout loud because when you hear it in your own head, itsounds like “You know, anything can happen with arazor.” …

Now, you can’t anticipate a life lesson — it justhappens to you. I was driving through Pennsylvania andI stopped at a gas station. There were about eightcars waiting for service so I went into the gasstation to see what the heck was going on and therewas shattered glass everywhere and an empty cashregister on the floor. Finally, I found the attendantin the bathroom stall. His arms and legs were tied atthe back of the toilet. He had an oily rag stuffed inhis mouth and a bullet through the back of his head.And I said to myself, “My God! How could he do that tohimself?” … His business was booming! And then Irealized — the attendant had a fear of success. …And that was a lesson that I needed to learn.

You know, two months ago, a man in Spain had areligious experience. He saw the hand of the statue ofthe Jesus bleeding. And a week later, a girl in Italysaw the Virgin Mary crying. And I’m happy to tell you,I’ve had a religious experience myself. I was at theBob’s Big Boy in Paramus, New Jersey … and Iactually saw liquid rust coming out of the butt of theBig Boy icon. … And when it happens to you, it’slike, “Well, all right, there’s something out there.”And, doggone it, that’s my point — there issomething out there. It’s all there for us. All wehave to do — is see it.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, Laura. [Politeapplause.]

Laura Kightlinger: Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Laura Kightlinger.

Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest knownhuman ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Althoughunearthed only days ago, he is already engaged toAnna Nicole Smith.

The first deaf Miss America, Heather Whitestone, wascrowned last week in Atlantic City. Althoughcompletely deaf, she is an expert lip reader.Personally, [Norm covers his mouth with his hand] Idon’t think she’s that pretty, y’know? I, uh– … Not… [applause] Not my cup of tea. …

Postal authorities removed a cigarette from a photo ofblues artist RobertJohnson to help dignify the musician in a new stampthey’ve issued in hishonor. [Before and after photos of bluesman RobertJohnson, with and without cigarette] This isn’t thefirst time the post office has altered a photograph.In fact, the original photo used on the Elvis stamp[Photo of stamp with young Elvis Presley singing intomicrophone] was based on this photo [Same image butwith microphone replaced by a huge sandwich] … Kingenjoying a hoagie!

A recent consumer poll shows that “Hershey” isAmerica’s favorite company,while “Philip Morris” is America’s least favorite. Inthe middle — thecompany that makes chocolate cigarettes. … Right inthe middle.

A South African professor claims that the Shroud ofTurin was created inthe Middle Ages, using techniques similar tophotography. Backing up his claimis the recent unearthing of a two-thousand-year-old”Your Face On A Shroud”concession booth. …

Last month, an eighty year old Albuquerque woman wasawarded over two million dollars in damages fromMcDonald’s after she spilled some of their coffee inher lap and suffered severe burns. As a result,McDonald’s this week has put a warning label on itscoffee cups that read: “Caution: Do you think you canmanage to avoid pouring it directly on your crotchthis time, you senile old hag? … Think you canmanage that, huh?” … [applause]

And “The Shawshank Redemption” picked up the New YorkFilm Festival’s covetedaward for the stupidest movie title.

And now, here with this summer’s concert reviews, isour very own rock and roll correspondent Gil Graham!Gil? Welcome.

[Applause as we pan over to oily, bespectacled rockfan Gil Graham who wears a colorful Led Zeppelin shirtand speaks with an intense half-whisper.]

Gil Graham: Thanks, Norm. Well, it was a longsummer so let’s dispense with the preliminaries andget to the rock and roll.

June 17th, Toronto’s Exhibition Stadium. That’s right,the Rolling Stones are back and yours truly had thebest seats in the house. I had a date but she pulledthe old no-show. So I walked over to a kick-asstailgate party to see if anyone wanted the extraticket. Well, it turns out they wanted both tickets.They beat me without mercy for what seemed like aneternity. … I woke up two hours later in a parkinglot dumpster just in time to hear the Stones’ rockin’encore, “Jumpin’ Jack Flash.” … The acoustics in thedumpster were phenomenal. … All I could hear was thebass but, take it from me, that new bass player canslap a funky one. … So all you Stones fans outthere, I advise you to do the Harlem shuffle to yournearest Ticketmaster.

July 8th, Giants Stadium, “Hell Freezes Over,” theEagles reunite. I did not attend this concert. I gavemy tickets to two fourteen year old girls who promisedto send me two thousand dollars. … Ladies, I’m stillwaiting for my money. …

August 1st, Foxboro Stadium, Pink Floyd, “Ready toRock.” Bought tickets from a scalper. … Turned outto be stubs from a Molly Hatchet concert in 1974. …I pointed out the scalper’s mistake and he threw medown a flight of stairs. …

Next stop, August 14th, Saugerties, New York. That’sright, folks, Woodstock II. It was a celebration ofpeace, love and understanding. Except for this oneguy. … He snatched my backstage passes and locked meinside a Port-a-Potty. … Then he tipped it over and,just my luck, it landed door-side down. … There wasno gettin’ out. But that didn’t prevent me fromrockin’ out to Blind Melon as I enjoyed my own privatemosh pit. … Aerosmith was just about to go on when Ifelt the Port-a-Potty start to move. I realized I wassliding down a mud-slicked hill, just before thePort-a-Potty slammed into a barbecue and caught fire…. I could hear Joe Perry whaling away on “SweetEmotion” as I struggled to free myself from my flamingtomb. … When I woke up in the hospital, I said tomyself — actually, I thought to myself sincemy lips were burnt shut … — “Woodstock once everytwenty-five years? Count me in!”

Back to you, Norm, and, in the words of the Stones, “Iknow it’s only rock and roll but I like it!” …[applause, Norm shakes Gil’s hand]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, buddy.

Gil Graham: All right, baby! [acknowledgesapplause with a nod and exits by scooting off on hisswivel chair.]

Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler! Adam Sandler–Gil Graham, it was– I’m sorry, Gil Graham. … Looksa bit like Adam Sandler. … Take off that wig and thefunny shirt, you know? Dead ringer for Sandler….

In Washington, a 410-pound convicted killer isfighting his execution onconstitutional grounds. He claims that, if he ishanged, his head will becompletely torn from his body, which would amount to”cruel and unusualpunishment.” Now, having your head completely tornfrom your body is cruel,I’ll grant you, but is it really that unusual?…

Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock star in Germany,where his latest album sold five million copies thisweek — which once again proves my theory: Germanslove David Hasselhoff. …

A truck full of chickens overturned on the Long IslandExpressway yesterday.Hundreds of chickens crossed the road but nobody’sbeen able to figure outwhy. …

And that’s all for now. Good night and good luck.

[Applause. Music. Norm grins and shuffles his unrulypile of papers.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts