Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

The Bean Cafe

Cafe Owner…..Tom Hanks
Harry…..Jon Lovitz
Lonnie…..Phil Hartman
Bob’s Wife…..Victoria Jackson
Bob…..Kevin Nealon
Cindy…..Nora Dunn
Keith…..Dana Carvey

[ the phone rings at the Bean Cafe ]

Cafe Owner: Bean Cafe. Yeah, that’s right. Just beans, that’s allwe serve here. Well, we’re open 24 hours. Okay, yeah, thanks for calling.[ hangs up phone and notices Harry at the table ] Hey, Harry, another bowlof beans?

Harry: Yeah. Hey, could you put cheese on it?

Cafe Owner: Sure. You want grated cheese, or do you want me tocut the cheese?

Harry: Yeah, go ahead, Ralph. Cut the cheese.

Cafe Owner: You got it. [ starts cutting a chunk of cheese for Harry ]

Lonnie: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph!

Cafe Owner: Hey, hey, Lonnie! Set you up with a bowl of beans?

Lonnie: Uh.. yeah, I think I’ll try the pintos today. [ sniffs theair ] Alright, who did it?

Cafe Owner: What?

Lonnie: Who went and made my favorite pie again?

Cafe Owner: There’s just no keeping a secret with you, is there,Lonnie Edwards? [ pulls out the freshly-baked pie ] Wendy made it upspecial for you. I’ll tell you what – I’ll warm it up.

Lonnie: Fantastic!

Cafe Owner: [ opens the oven ] Oh, damn..

Lonnie: What’s the matter?

Cafe Owner: Well, the pilot light keeps going out on this oven.

Lonnie: Probably from all the wind you get blowing aroundhere.. You really should get these windows caulked!

Cafe Owner: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to do that..

[ cut to a couple sitting at a table ]

Bob’s Wife: Good beans, huh?

Bob: Yeah, the best!

Bob’s Wife: You know what they say – “Beans, beans, good for the heart..”

Both: “Beans, beans, great for the heart!”

[ cut to Lonnie at the counter reading a newspaper ]

Lonnie: Hey, Harry, did you see this? The Army’s thinking aboutdeveloping a new gas bomb.

Harry: Yeah? They should come here.

Lonnie: What do you mean?

Harry: We could use the jobs. Then, maybe some of the teenagerswouldn’t have to move away.

Lonnie: Yeah. Good point. [ walks back to the counter ]

Cindy: [ enters the cafe ] Hi, Ralph.

Cafe Owner: Oh, hey, Cindy! A bowl of beans?

Cindy: Oh, no, I’d better not. I’m going over to my in-laws later.

Cafe Owner: So?

Cindy: Well, you know what would happen if I had a big bowl of beansnow. I wouldn’t be hungry! We’re gonna have dinner. Just give me acup of coffee.

Cafe Owner: Coming up.

Cindy: Hi, Lonnie.

Lonnie: Hi. How are you, Cindy?

Cindy: Say, how come you guys aren’t watching the big swim meet?

Lonnie: Oh, yeah! That local boy made the finals. What’s his name?

Harry: Rip Loudon.

Lonnie: Yeah, that’s it.

Cafe Owner: [ watching the TV screen ] Oh, geez.. last place already..Lonnie: Well, you know what would have helped shott him through thewater? A big bowl of beans! I mean, you see, complex carbohydrates give youthat long-term energy that you need.

Cafe Owner: Absolutely. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell people.It’s much better for you than steak.

Harry: Ah, you know what they say – “Beans, beans, good for the heart..”

All: “Beans, beans, great for your heart!”

Cafe Owner: [ looking at the TV screen ] Well, this is boring. Let’ssee what else is on. [ flips channel to a spider documentary ]

TV Announcer: ..The Black Widow. Silent but deadly..

Cindy: You know what else is silent but deadly?

Lonnie: What?

Cindy: A scorpion.

Cafe Owner: [ looking at the couple’s table ] Oh, gee! Hey, Bob!That’s wet paint! [ runs over ]

Bob: [ jumping to his feet ] Oh, geez.. I didn’t even notice!

Cafe Owner: Didn’t you see the sign?!

Bob: Did I get any on my pants?

Cafe Owner: Oh, let me see. Bend over. [ Bob bends over as theCafe Owner peers in for a look ] I can’t really see.. the lighting’s notreally good here. Let me get my lighter.. [ takes out a lighter and holdsthe flame close to the back of Bob’s pants ] No.. I don’t see anything..That chair must have already been dry!

Bob: Boy, that was close, huh? [ sits back down ]

Keith: [ enters the cafe grimacing and sniffing ] Whoo-whee!Whoo-whee!

Cafe Owner: Hey, Keith. What’s the matter?

Keith: Oh, uh, it’s this hay fever acting up again. Whoo-whee!

Cafe Owner: A nice hot bowl of beans will fix you right up.

Keith: Whoo-whee!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Calgary ’88

Mark Mossano…..Tom Hanks
Jim McKay…..Dana Carvey
Dick Button……Phil Hartman
Peggy Fleming…..Jan Hooks

FADE IN:

[ EXT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – NIGHT ]

[ GRAPHIC: ABC SPORTS CALGARY 1988 LOGO ]

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – NIGHT ]

Jim McKay (V/O): We’re back live at the Saddledome in Calgary, where Mark Mossano, the young figure skater from Rockford, Illinois is about to face the greatest test of his life.

[ MARK MOSSANO, wearing a kid’s cowboy hat and a studded periwinkle unitard, waits to go on the rink. ]

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

[ Announcers JIM MCKAY and DICK BUTTON stand next to each other holding microphones. ]

Jim McKay: Hello, I’m Jim McKay and with me is Dick Button.

Dick Button: Hello.

Jim McKay: Dick, Dick… Mark is not expected to win a medal here in Calgary and realistically – – he has no chance for one.

Dick Button: No, but Jim, watching him skate earlier today… I don’t think that’s on his mind. I think he’s here for the sheer thrill of competing in the Olympics.

Jim McKay: Well, what is it about Mark Mossano that makes him so exciting? Certainly for technique, he’s no match for the skaters we’ve seen tonight.

Dick Button: Well, Jim, it’s that elusive quality we call… style. He skates with an abandon that’s almost primitive and how fitting for an Olympics held in this wild, frontier town. But I can’t quite put my finger on it. All I can say is — I very much like this young man.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ICE RINK – NIGHT ]

[ Mossano takes to the center of the ice. ]

Jim McKay (V/O): He’s taking the ice now.

[ Mossano poses his arms in the air and waits for the music. ]

Jim McKay (V/O): Mark Mossano.

[ The theme from “Bonanza” begins playing on the speakers. Mossano stumbles. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Oh! A stumble!

[ Mossano pulls out two, toy pistols from the holsters on his unitard and starts prancing on the ice. ]

Dick Button (V/O): But what a bold choice of music! And what a marvelous costume! A fitting choice for an Olympics held in this wild, frontier town.

[ The music changes to 1930’s big band ensemble. Mossano continues to prance. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Oh! A tempo change! Very dramatic.

Jim McKay (V/O): How true.

Dick Button (V/O): Very nice. You know Jim, watching him skate, I’m reminded of a young Robin Cousins.

Jim McKay (V/O): Really? How so, Dick?

Dick Button (V/O): Well… it’s hard to explain. Never mind.

[ Mossano tip-toe dances on the ice, flailing the toy guns near his lips. ]

Dick Button (V/O): Whoa-ho! Look at those six-shooters blazing! He’s taking that ice like some modern-day Wyatt Earp; attacking it with verve and pizzazz and fun.

[ Mossano strikes a finishing pose. ]

Dick Button (V/O): A winning, marvelous program and a sexy one to boot!

Jim McKay (V/O): Definitely… very sexy.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

[ McKay and Button side-by-side. ]

Jim McKay: Now let us watch young Mark Mossano as he waits to see the judges scoring…

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – KISS AND CRY ZONE – NIGHT ]

[ Mossano pants heavily and views the scoring board off screen. ]

[ SUPER: URS-0.1, FRG-0.1, USA-0.1, CAN-0.1, GDR-0.0, AUS-0.2, TCH-0.0, GBR-0.0, POL-0.0

Dick Button (V/O): 0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.0 — that’s the East German judge. 0.2, another no, 0.0, 0.0 and another 0.0.

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – ABC SPORTS BOOTH – NIGHT ]

Dick Button: Well Jim, I really think these scores are very low. I really do.

Jim McKay: Well Dick, Peggy Fleming is ringside with Mark to get his reaction. Let’s go to Peggy…

[ INT. CALGARY SADDLEDOME – KISS AND CRY ZONE – NIGHT ]

[ PEGGY FLEMING stands next to Mossano, who’s panting harder than before. ]

Peggy Fleming: Well, technically Mark that was the best I’ve ever seen you skate. Um, what was it tonight that was special for you?

[ Mossano can’t speak due to his panting. ]

Peggy Fleming: Okay… um, did the performance of your teammate Brian Boitano give you a lift?

[ Mossano shakes his head yet still not speak. ]

Peggy Fleming: Uh-huh… well, is there anything you’d like to say to your family back home?

Mark Mossano: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Delivery Room

Doctor…..Tom Hanks
Expectant Father…..Dana Carvey
Second Doctor…..Jon Lovitz
Expectant Mother…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on Expectant Father standing outside the delivery room ]

Doctor: [ from inside the delivery room ] Okay, now! Now! Push! Push! Come on, you can do it! Push! Push!

[ Expectant Father runs into the delivery room to find Expectant Mother pushing a hospital bed against the wall ]

Doctor: Harder now! Keep pushing! Good! Now, lay on the bed. Excuse me, sir, I thought we told you to wait outside.

Expectant Father: Alright, I’ll wait outside. Okay. [ is pushed outside ] I’ll wait here. [ paces floor ]

[ the sound of crying can be heard ]

Second Doctor: You can do it, Doctor! You can deliver this baby!

[ Expectant Father rushes into the delivery room to find the Doctor crying and being consoled by a second doctor ]

Doctor: No! I can’t! I can’t do it!

Second Doctor: Hey! Sir! Would you please wait outside?

Expectant Father: Okay.. okay.. I’ll wait outside.. [ is pushed back outside ] I know.. I know.. [ paces the floor ]

Expectant Mother: Oh! Oh, Doctor, it’s beautiful, it’s so beautiful!

[ Expectant Father rushes back into the delivery room to find the Doctor showing off a painting of his to the Expectant Mother ]

Doctor: Thank you, you really think so? You see what I tried to do with the distance? I did some shading here, way off in the back.. Sir! Please!

Expectant Father: Okay, I’ll wait outside.. [ is pushed back outside ] Okay, I’ll wait out here.. [ paces ]

Doctor: [ exits from the delivery room ] I’m afraid we have some bad news.

Expectant Father: What?! What is it?!

Doctor: Well.. we just can’t come up with an ending for this sketch. We can’t keep going on and on with these lame jokes, and the whole premise was pretty flimsy to begin with.

Expectant Father: Well, yeah, but what about my wife?

Doctor: Oh, she’s fine. She had a baby boy.

[ Expectant Mother is wheeled out with the baby in her arms ]

Expectant Father: Oh, honey!

Expectant Mother: Isn’t he wonderful?

Doctor: Now, if you’ll take my advice, you’ll both get in your car and drive away from this sketch just as fast as possible.

Expectant Father: But, what about, uh.. you?

Doctor: Oh, I’ll be fine. I’m in another sketch over there, it’s much, much better than this one.

Expectant Father: We won’t forget this Doctor.

Doctor: Oh, I think you will. So long. Goodbye, you poorly developed characters, you!

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Girl Watchers A Go Go

Girl Watcher #1…..Tom Hanks
Girl Watcher #2…..Jon Lovitz
Other Girl Watcher…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on the Girl Watchers standing on a street corner, as a woman walks past ]

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yes!

Girl Watcher #2: Yes, indeed!

Girl Watcher #1: 49th and First. Excellent corner for scoping out the babes!

Girl Watcher #2: You said a mouthful!

Girl atcher #1: Whoa! Stop the presses! [ points at woman approaching ]

Girl Watcher #2: What have we here?

Girl Watcher #1: Hel-lo! [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Good-bye..

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes.

Girl Watcher #1: Not interested in me at all.

Girl Watcher #2: No reaction whatsoever.

Girl Watcher #1: You know it, brother. Way too pretty for this hombre.

Girl Watcher #2: Yeah.. Oh, boy.. here comes another live one.

Girl Watcher #1: Mama mia!

Girl Watcher #2: Hel-lo! [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Good-bye.

Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yeah.

Girl Watcher #2: Out of my league.

Girl Watcher #1: Mine, too.

Girl Watcher #2: Boy.. wouldn’t give me the time ‘o day.

Girl Watcher #1: Well, lookie here!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh.. me likes what me sees.

Girl Watcher #1: Good evening. [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] And good night.

Girl Watcher #2: Yow! Not even eye contact.

Girl Watcher #1: The ladies just don’t like me.

Girl Watcher #2: To say the least.

Girl Watcher #1: My face is just too wide.

Girl Watcher #2: Yeah, and my hairline can’t be helping, either.

Girl Watcher #1: I’d be hurt and disappointed if it didn’t happen so often.

Girl Watcher #2: So true.

Girl Watcher #1: Whoa! Babe alert!

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yes. [ the woman walks past without even blinking ] Oh, no..

Girl Watcher #1: Like we didn’t even exist.

Girl Watcher #2: Completely indifferent.

Girl Watcher #1: Yes.

Girl Watcher #2: She wasn’t even that attractive. But still out of my reach. A sad comment on my life.

Girl Watcher #1: Yours and mine both. The good Lord gave me this body, and there ain’t no changing it now.

Girl Watcher #2: A-men!

Girl Watcher #1: Yeah, this ol’ head’s just way out of proportion for this body.

Girl Watcher #2: And these eyebrows come together in the most unappealing way.

Girl Watcher #1: Tru-ly sad.

Girl Watcher #2: Okay, here we go. Bottom of the ninth, two outs, full count.

Together: Strike Three!

Girl Watcher #2: So, we are out!

Girl Watcher #1: Why did we even try? We have little sense of fashion, and we can’t even lure them weith money.

Girl Watcher #2: No way. We’ve got low-paying jobs with no hope for advancement.

Girl Watcher #1: And worse yet, I make poor conversation.

Girl Watcher #2: I.. hear ya!

Other Girl Watcher: [ walks up ] Hey, excuse me, fellas, but this is my corner!

Girl Watcher #1: No problem, amigo. We were just calling it quits.

Other Girl Watcher: No luck?

Girl Watcher #2: You know it.

Other Girl Watcher: I’d make fun of you guys, but I am just one sad sack myself.

Girl Watcher #1: Small consolation.

Girl Watcher #2: Oh, yeah.

[ the first two Girl Watchers exit the scene ]

Other Girl Watcher: Let the games commence!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 12

87l: Tom Hanks / Randy Travis

Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles

Casey Kasem…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: You’ve heard him introduce hit music for two decades, and now available for a limited time only, M-Tel Records presetns “Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles”!

Casey Kasem: [ singing in monotone ] “Here comes the sun, and doo-doo-doo-doo. Here comes the sun, and I say it’s alright.”

Announcer: That’s right – Casey will sing all your Beatles favorites. Who can forget this classic:

Casey Kasem: “Let me take you down, ’cause I’m going to Strawberry Fields. Nothing is real, and nothing to get hung about.”

Announcer: You’ll get “Penny Lane”, “A Day In The Life”, “She Loves You”, “Elenoir Rigby, and no Beatles album would be complete without this favorite:

Casey Kasem: “Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Helter Skelter – bon-a-non-a-non-a-non! Boing!“

Announcer: Casey hopes you’ll enjoy this album of his favorite Beatles song. We think you’ll agree they’re fab!

Casey Kasem: “I am the Eggman. They are the Eggman. I am the Walrus. Coo-coo-ca-choo ca-coo-ca-choo ca-coo-ca-choo!”

Announcer: Just send $19.95 to Casey Kasem Sings The Beatles, care of Casey Productions, 100 Hollywood Boulevard, Hollywood, California. $1 for postage and handling.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 4

87b: Sean Penn / L.L. Cool J, Michael Penn & The Pull

Sean Penn’s Monologue

…..Sean Penn

Sean Penn: Thank you! Thank you!

Announcer: Attention, please: During tonight’s performance, the taking of photographs is strictly prohibited.

Sean Penn: I’d like to thank L.L. Cool J for playing my lover in jail. But nothing like that ever happened in jail – not that I didn’t have some opportunities. But I want to make that clear, because I think there’s enough weird conceptions about me already. I guess that the biggest one is that, uh.. that I’m married to Madonna. I wish! And, uh.. the other is that I punch out photographers everywhere I go – yeah, in my dreams! I do, though, have a deep resentment against photographers, but there’s a real good reason for that.

[ piano music plays ]

It goes back to when I was a kid in Hollywood, and a roving gang of celebrity photographers raided and burned our home. I must have been 4 or 5 at the time, but I still remember my father waking me and my brothers up and telling us, “Run from the house, and don’t return until the celebrity photographers have gone.” We lost everything in that fire. And I’ll never forget the picture they splashed across the newspapers – “Malibu Family Flees Burning House”. And, why? Because it was a slow news day. Maybe someday I’ll forget that terrible night, and, if I do, that’s the day you’ll see my smiling face on the cover of the New York Post. Until then, you’ll be seeing this: [ covers his face wih his jacket ]

We have a great show, so stick around. We’ve got L.L. Cool J, and the Pull. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 4

87b: Sean Penn / L.L. Cool J, Michael Penn & The Pull

Pitman & Bullock

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] What qualities make an investment firm number one?

Determination.

[ show pitbull ]

The will to succeed.

Aggressiveness.

[ show pitbull barking ]

Fierce drive to compete and win.

Instinct.

[ show pitbull barking ]

Knowing the right moment to strike.

[ show pitbull identifying his kill ]

Tenacity.

[ show pitbull chewing on a man’s leg ]

Holding on when others let go.

Coldbloodedness.

[ show pitbull continue to chew on a man’s leg ]

Indifference to the suffering of those who stand in the way.

Pitman & Bullock. Put the power of the pitbull to work for you.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 31st, 1987

Dabney Coleman

The Cars

Cassandra Peterson

Ric Ocasek
Lifestyles Of The Rich, Famous, & ScaryBio: Cassandra Peterson (1951-). Actress; former showgirl at the Dunes in Las Vegas, of which the Guinness Book of World Records lists her as the youngest on record in the city’s history Elvira; joined the Groundlings in 1979, where she developed the prototype for her Elvira, Mistress of the Dark persona.

Montage

Dabney Coleman’s MonologueBio: Dabney Coleman (1932-). Actor; films include “Nine to Five” (1980), “Tootsie” (1982), “Cloak & Dagger” (1984); starred in TV series “Buffalo Bill”, 1983-84 and “The Slap MaxWell Story”, 1987-88.

Fiber

The Winning SpiritSummary: A blind man (Dabney Coleman) expresses extreme bitterness over his disability.

Transcript

Don’t Go Down To The Basement

Scoutmaster

The Cars performs “Strap Me In”Also Performed: 83s.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerTranscript

Marriage CounselorTranscript

Count Dracula, Self-Taught Auto Mechanic

The Pat Stevens ShowRecurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Student Council

The Cars performs “Double Trouble”

Black Monday

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 3

87c: Dabney Coleman / The Cars

Marriage Counselor

Dr. Dick Mauser……Dabney Coleman
Gary…..Kevin Nealon
Marybeth…..Nora Dunn

[ open on nameplate: “Dr. Dick Mauser, Marriage Counselor” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Dr. Mauser’s office, as he sits between Gary and Marybeth ]

Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, Gary and Marybeth, I’m glad you two have sought professional counseling. That says to me that you’re both committed to working out your differences to save your marriage.

Gary: Well, Doctor, I gotta admit, coming here was her idea.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, maybe so, Gary. But you came here, and to me that says everything. Marriage is like a garden, it takes a lot of work, it needs nurturing. But hey, you’ve gotten over the hardest part. I mean, you’ve walked through that door, and that says to me that you’re.. in my office. [ brief pause ] Okay, let’s talk.

Marybeth: Dr. Mauser, it is such a relief to finally get this out in the open in front of an objective third party.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Uh-huh.

Marybeth: Now, God knows I’ve tried to talk to Gary, but there’s no communication! I’m talking to myself!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, you see, that’s exactly why I’m here. To listen, and to help you hear each other.

Marybeth: That’s music to my ears, Doctor. Now, what am I feeling? I feel neglected. The kids feel neglected. Gary works late, he works weekends. And when he’s not working, he’s out golfing!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Mmm-hmm. I see. [ turns to Gary ] Now, what’s your handicap?

Gary: 5.

Dr. Dick Mauser: 5? No kidding? So’s mine! We ought to play sometime!

Marybeth: He takes no responsibility at home! It’s as if he’s a complete stranger! He treats the house like it’s a hotel!

Gary: Yeah, yeah, it’s my fault, right! It’s all me!

Marybeth: Honey, I’m just trying to explain to Dr. Mauser that I —

Dr. Dick Mauser: Look, honey, Dr. Mauser doesn’t need things explained to him, okay? Now, Gary, I’m sensing you’re feeling unappreciated.

Gary: Well, yeah, I think they ought to appreciate me, now that you mention it, Dr. Mauser.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Call me Dick, if you want to.

Gary: Dick, I work hard for a living.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Uh-huh. You bust your butt, I’m sure.

Gary: Yeah! I come home, and there’s no “Hi honey, how are you?” There’s no dinner on the table —

Marybeth: Well, you come home at 3 a.m.!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Sweetheart, would you give it a rest? Huh? Now, you were saying, Gary?

Gary: Uh.. I was saying that I work hard.. and, uh.. I work hard.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Long hours, you’re beat, you need sympathy, a little validation, and she doesn’t seem to get that. I mean, with her it’s all me, me, me!

Marybeth: It just so happens that she finds it hard to sympathize with a man that thinks nothing of shooting skeet in the backyard! We have small children running around! Now, am I crazy to set up a few simple rules?!

Gary: [ sighs heavily ] See, this is what I have to put up with right here!

Dr. Dick Mauser: No, no, wait a minute.. is this true, Gary? You shoot skeet in your backyard?

Gary: Well.. Jason loves it.

Marybeth: Justin! Your son’s name is Justin!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Hey, hey – Jason, Justin, what difference does it make, okay? Skeet shooting in your own backyard? I mean, what kind of gun do you use?

Gary: Well, I just bought a new 12-gauge Remington.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Oh, really? Do you prefer that to the Winchester?

Gary: Oh, no comparison! It’s got good balance, real knock down power —

[ Marybeth stands to leave ]

Dr. Dick Mauser: Hey, hey, hey! You sit your big, fat butt down, okay!

Marybeth: [ annoyed ] Well, I beg your pardon, Doctor! I came here to salvage what is left of my marriage! Now, when he slinks home at all hours of the morning, stinking of gin and jungle gardenia, am I paranoid to think that you’re sleeping with your twenty-three year-old secretary?!!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Now, wait.. wait a minute.. once again, that’s a very serious accusation. Is this true, Gary?

Gary: [ hesitant ] Well.. actually.. she’s 22.

Marybeth: I knew it! I knew it! I knew I’m not imagining things!

Dr. Dick Mauser: [ mimicks her ]

Gary: [ gushing ] Chrissy is unbelievable, man! She thinks I’m a god!

Dr. Dick Mauser: Yeah? What, legs up to.. about here? [ points to his upper thigh ]

Gary: Yeah! And hooters that just won’t quit!

[ they laugh ]

Dr. Dick Mauser: Look, look, look, wait a minute.. Okay, I gotta apologize here, because we’re getting off the subject a little bit. Let’s use the old Democratic process, shall we? Why don’t we just say all those that think Gary is right and she is wrong, why don’t we just raise our right hands right now?

[ Gary and Dr. Mauser raise their hands ]

Gary: Gary! Gary! Gary!

Together: Gary!! Gary!! Gary!!

Marybeth: Gentlemen!

[ the chanting ceases ]

Dr. Dick Mauser: Well, what is it?

Marybeth: This is not exactly the objective forum I was seeking when I decided to get some marital help! I will leave you now to measure your penises! Good day!

[ Marybeth storms out of the office ]

Dr. Dick Mauser: Hmm.. wow. Gary, uh.. let me ask you a question, okay?

Gary: Sure, Dick, shoot.

Dr. Dick Mauser: Do you, uh.. do you think the Yankeees did the right thing hiring Billy Martin back?

Gary: Hey, I don’t think that was their problem. They need a good left-handed pitcher.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 13: Episode 3

87c: Dabney Coleman / The Cars

The Winning Spirit

Deborah…..Jan Hooks
Hal Everett…..Dabney Coleman

Deborah: Hello, and welcome to “The Winning Spirit”, the show that profiles those special individuals who have surmounted the odds and inspired us all. Now, our scheduled guest, Barry Ripley, the one-legged soccer player, couldn’t make it tonight. But Mr. Hal Everett, who is sightless, has agreed to step in at the last minute. Thank you so much, Hal.

Hal Everett: Yeah. Right.

Deborah: Now, Hal.. you lost your sight in a freak accident, is that right?

Hal Everett: Yeah. that’s, uh.. that’s right, uh.. what’s your name again?

Deborah: Deborah.

Hal Everett: Deborah, it happened about six years ago – I don’t really want to go into the details, but it was porcupine-oriented.

Deborah: I’m sure it was a terrible blow. But you’ve learned to overcome your blindness, haven’t you?

Hal Everett: Overcome it?

Deborah: Yeah.

Hal Everett: What is that, a joke?

Deborah: Well.. no. I mean, I’m sure you still have a fulfilling life, right?

Hal Everett: Doing what? Listening to a sunset? Didn’t they tell you, honey? I’m blind, okay? Hello! Blind! Where are you? Can’t see you!

Deborah: I.. understand that, but.. given everything, isn’t blindness just one more obstacle to overcome?

Hal Everett: Yeah, right. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you try it for about a day and a half?

Deborah: Okay.. well.. I’m sure it’s very challenging.. But what about the positives? We’ve had guests who’ve mentioned special advantages blind people have. For example, your other senses are heightened, aren’t they?

Hal Everett: Oh, yeah. Yeah, they’re great. I can smell a little better now, that really comes in handy on the subway every day. Not to mention, the hearing, of course, you know? So, let’s figure this one out – I can hear crickets chirp a little louder than you can, and you can see? Yeahhh.. that sounds fair. That’s a fair trade-off. Thanks, God!

Deborah: Well, of course.. nothing could compensate for it.. but.. you must be grateful to have your loyal seeing-eye dog, right? I mean, isn’t there a special close relationship there that sighted people just can’t appreciate?

Hal Everett: Well, first of all, on the dog – he doesn’t like me, and I don’t like him. And, when it rains, of course, that’s really great, because I get to use that enhanced sense of smell we were talking about, that’s a wonderful thing.

Deborah: Right.. right.. well, what about your sense of touch? Now, that must be useful. Here, I’m going to take your hand.. [ rubs his hand across her face ]

Hal Everett: No, no, no, no, no! Don’t do that, okay? That’s like out of some bad movie. [ awkward pause ] Did I get it in your nose?

Deborah: No! [ struggling to keep the interview alive ] You mentioned God earlier. Now, you haven’t lost faith in God, have you?

Hal Everett: No, no, no. I stil believe there’s a God, no question about that. I just hate his guts right now.

Deborah: Alright. Well, you’re a little bitter, Hal, no doubt about it. But you haven’t let it stop you from living a normal life, have you, Hal?

Hal Everett: Well, yeah.. I’m pretty much dead in the water, I’d say. Mostly, I just hang around the house and drink a lot of beer. That’s about it.

Deborah: Perhaps you have some advice for other handicapped people out there, something you’d like to say to those who might be asking, “Why me?”

Hal Everett: Mmm. Well.. I guess I could say, “Join the club, fellas. We’re screwed. Why you? Why me?”

Deborah: You know something? You’re a horrible man, you know that? I mean, a few weeks ago we had a blind horseshoe pitcher on, and he was just wonderful! And then we had a blind skydiver, and he has managed to adapt!

Hal Everett: Well, they’re insane, honey, they’ve got no grip on reality. Guys, you’re blind! Okay? Calm down! Stop embarrassing the rest of us! What is it that you people want, anyway? Do you want us to perform for you, is that it?

Deborah: No!

Hal Everett: Well, I’ll tell you what, why don’t I just do a little dance for you, okay? [ stands up and dances like a jackass ]

Deborah: No! No! Stop it! [ starts crying ]

Hal Everett: Are you crying?

Deborah: [ between tears ] Yes!

Hal Everett: Ah, she’s crying. Alright, will you stop it? Look, I’m sorry. I’ll think of something that’s nice to say about blind people, okayt?

Deborah: [ calming her tears ] Okay.

Hal Everett: Something like, okay, “If you go blind, it’s not so bad, you get a nice tax thing, a little deduction there. Oh, yeah, and you can look right at an eclipse, that’s no problem.”

Deborah: Well, that was very inspiring, Hal. Uh.. we’ll be back next week with Tim O’Grady, the legless, armles songwriter, who I promise is not bitter, and he’ll make you feel good about your life.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts