Author: Don Roy King

Back To The Future

Ronald Reagan…..Randy Quaid
Nancy Davis/Reagan…..Terry Sweeney
…..Ron Reagan
Doc…..Jon Lovitz
Director…..Robert Downey, Jr.
Actor…..Dan Vitale
Welfare Mom…..Danitra Vance

[ “Power of Love” by Huey Lewis & The News pots up ]

[ SUPER: “Steven Spielberg Presents” ]

[ SUPER: “A Take Your Oscar And Shove It Production” ]

[ SUPER: “Back To The Future” logo ]

[ dissolve to exterior, suburban house – day ]

[ dissolve to interior, Ronald Reagan talking on the phone ]

Ronald Reagan: Hello, Sid? Ron Reagan. [ a beat ] The actor? I’m sorry to bother you, Sid, but, uh.. you’re my agent, and, uh.. well, I-I haven’t worked in ten years. Not since, uh, 1976, unless you count.. filling in for Bob Eubanks on “The Newlywed Game.” And, uh.. well.. anyway, it seems that, uh.. you never returned my calls —

[ the phone hangs up ]

Hello? Hello? Hell-o? Helloooo?? [ presses receiver ] Hello!

[ a disheveled Nancy Reagan – with dangling cigarette, hair in curlers, funky nightgown – enters and sits next to Ronald on the couch ]

Nancy Reagan: Oh, give it a rest, Dutch! Sid doesn’t care about you. In his book, you’re a washed-up old ham!

Ronald Reagan: Oh, but, Nancy, Sid’s not like that. He cares about people. He’s al ifelong Democrat, like me.

Nancy Reagan: [ snidely ] I think that says it all.

Ronald Reagan: Now, Mommy, the Democrat Party is the party of compassion. The party of the disadvantaged. The poor, the elderly!

Nancy Reagan: That about covers us. [ kills a shot ]

[ Ron Reagan, dressed as Marty McFly in life vest, enters from the front door on a skateboard ]

Ron Reagan: Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad! What’s for dinner?

Nancy Reagan: My specialty – cold pizza.

[ offscreen crash sound effect from Ron ]

Nancy Reagan: [ as soft music pots up ] Oh, Ronnie.. remember how trim I was the day we first met? It was exactly thirty years ago today. In fact, right on this spot.

[ Ron re-enters, sits next to Nancy on the couch ]

[ flashing Super: “Exposition (listen carefully)” ]

Nancy Reagan: Our house was built over the old RKO Studio, where we met on the set of “Hellcats of the Navy.” Your father – Ronald Reagan —

Ron Reagan: Mom. I know Dad’s name.

Nancy Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I had so much exposition to establish, I.. I got lost. Well, anyway.. a sandbag fell on your father’s head. He looked so.. helpless, so pathetic.. so pitiful.. so wretched —

Ronald Reagan: Mommy, I think the boy gets the idea.

Nancy Reagan: Well, anyway, I fell for the big lug!

[ doorbell rings ]

Ronald Reagan: Well.. who could that be?

Ron Reagan: Oh, Mom, Dad. I invited Dr. Brown over for dessert.

[ Ron gets up to answer the door to Doc Brown, dressed in a crazy get-up and holding a weirdly-shaped blender ]

Doc: Ron! Ron! Well! I did it! I doscovered a way.. to travel through time! You see this blender! It’s actually.. a time machine!

Ronald Reagan: Whoops! Speaking of time, uh.. it’s ten o’clock, Mommy, uh.. let’s go upstairs and watch Jane on “Falcon Crest.”

Nancy Reagan: Ugh! do we have to? I just ate.

Ronald Reagan: Oh, Mommy.. Jane’s not so bad, and.. we do need the alimony.

[ Nancy and Ronald get up to go upstairs to watch “Falcon Crest”, greeting Dr. Brown as they exit the room ]

Nancy Reagan: Hell-oooooo!

Ronald Reagan: Hello, Dr. Brown.

Doc: Hello!

Ron Reagan: Now, uh.. Dr. Brown. Come on in, tell me about this invention.

Doc: Well! I got the idea about it.. ohhhhh.. about thirty years ago, when I was working on the old RKO lot! [ looking around the room ] In fact.. it was right around here! Yeah!

[ flashing Super: “More Exposition” ]

Doc: I was a Technical Advisor! On “Hellcats of the Navy”! When all of a sudden, a sandbag fell on.. some fading actor’s head! It was then, that I got the idea for my flux capicator!

Ron Reagan: Yeah, well.. how does it work?

Doc: Well! The first ting you have to do.. is plug it in! Just like.. that! [ plugs blender into the wall ] Then! you see this button here? That’s Mix! [ presses button, lights light up ] Then! [ pushes next sequence of buttons ] There’s Liquefy! Then, Blend! And Puree! Run! Blend again! Then, the final button, is Time Travel! But.. before I push it.. [ turns blender off ] I’m gonna set the clock back.. say.. thirty years! To exactly.. thirty years ago.. today!

[ SUPER: “That’s the day the sandbag fell on Ron’s dad and Dr. Brown thought of time travel.” ]

Ron Reagan: By the way, uh, Doc.. where did you get this blender?

Doc: Oh, I, uh.. I stole it from a 7-11, run by some very dangerous-looking Libyans!

[ doorbell rings ]

Doc: Oh! I’ll get it! Probably for me! [ opens the door to Libyans ] Hi! How are yo —

[ the Libyans open fire on Doc ]

Doc: Ron! press the button! Press the button!

[ Ron presses the button on the blender, and dissolves into thin air ]

[ dissolve to “Hellcats of the Navy” movie set, thirty years in the past ]

Director: Okay! Everybody! RKO is not.. made.. of.. money! Alright? In fact, after this movie they’re tearing down this studio to put up a lower-midle class housing develop!

[ Ron and the blender materialize from thin air ]

Ron Reagan: Whoa.. what year is this?

Director: Come on! Let’s get going! I want to get this movie in the can while it’s stil 1956! Okay?

Ron Reagan: 1956..?

Actor: [ walking past ] Hey, this is a closed set, buddy – you belong here? This is Stage 3 – “Hellcats of the Navy.”

Ron Reagan: “Hellcats of the Navy”..?

Director: [ aggravated ] Where.. is.. our.. leading man?! Ron! [ raises megaphone ] Ron Reagan!! Come on!

[ cut to Ronald Reagan, costumed for his role, sitting in an actor’s chair with his back to the camera. He turns to face the audience rather elegantly. ]

Ronald Reagan: Here I am!

Ron Reagan: Dad! Dad!

Ronald Reagan: Sorry. No autographs. Now, Richard.. where is that new leading lady you were telling me about?

Director: Oh, yeah. Nancy Davis. Alright, uh.. [ calling ] Nancy Davis to the set! Nancy!

[ Nancy, costumed as a big-bosumed nurse, enters the set ]

Nancy Davis: Here I am!

Ron Reagan: [ stunned ] Mom!

Director: Uh.. Nancy, Ron; Ron, Nancy. [ both are silent toward one another ] Okay, okay.. [ into the megaphone ] Places, everybody! [ looks upward ] Uh.. Bobby? Bobby! move that sandbag that’s hanging over Ron’s head, would you? Come on! [ steps away ]

[ Ron jumps into frame to push Ronald out of the way, as the sandbag crashes instead on Ron’s head. Nancy screams. ]

[ zoom in on Ron’s body, as screen wiggles briefly to flash forward a few minutes. Nancy’s legs appear behind Ron’s body, as she leans in to help him to his feet. ]

Nancy Davis: Hello there, handsome stranger!

Ron Reagan: Mom..?

Nancy Davis: Mom? Oh, that must be quite a bump on your head, Nicky.

Ron Reagan: Nicky?

Nancy Davis: That’s the name on your tennis shoe.

Ron Reagan: That’s.. th-th-that’s Nike.

Nancy Davis: Oh. Sorry, Nike. It’s still a very sensuous name – how about a kiss?

Ron Reagan: No! Mom! Uh.. Nancy. Nancy. But.. but you know who is a real, sensuous guy? Ronald Reagan.

Nancy Davis: Ugh. Ronald Reagan?

Ron Reagan: I think he wants to go out with you.

Nancy Davis: Not only is he not attractive in the way you are, because he wasn’t hit in the head with that sandbag – but, besides that, he’s a wimping, bleeding heart, liberal Democrat. The only men who make my Maidenform warm are arch-conservative, right-wing jingoists!

Ron Reagan: [ gasping ] Excuse me, Nancy. I’ve.. got to meet some of my intellectual New York friends, for a Ban The Bomb rally.

Nancy Davis: Oh.. that’s okay! You’re still attractive to me, because you were hit in the head with that sandbag!

[ Ron runs across the set, bumping into a younger, pre-occupied Dr. Bown ]

Ron Reagan: Doc!

Doc: How’d you know my name?!

Ron Reagan: Doc, I’m from the future! 1986! [ Doc appears skeptical ] I can prove it! When I got hit on the head with that sandbag, you had the inspiration for a time travel machine.

Doc: That’s right! In fact, I just drew a picture of it! But, wait a minute! If you’re from the future, who’s the president in 1986?!

Ron Reagan: A woman named Geraldine Ferraro.

Doc: What?!

Ron Reagan: But.. she’s being impeached because her.. husband stole from the.. White House petty cash.

[ flashing SUPER: “Cheap Joke” ]

Doc: It’s very important that you don’t interact with anybody! You could alter the future, and the results could be disastrous!

Ron Reagan: I-it’s too late, it’s too late. My mom already has the hots for me. You see, the bag was supposed to fall on my dad’s head.. but it didn’t.. and-and.. my mom’s only attracted to right-wing, uh —

Doc: That’s alright, I don’t care! You’d just better go and fix it, or you’ll never be born! Go on! Hurry!

Ron Reagan: [ walking off ] You’re asking me to change his politics —

Doc: Go!!

[ Ron approaches Ronald, who’s sitting in his actor’s chair ]Uh.. Ron.. uh..?

Ronald Reagan: Sorry. No autographs.

Ron Reagan: No, no, no.. I want to talk politics.

Ronald Reagan: Politics? Okay. I believe a government should be judged by how well it treats the most needy among us. I believe this requires an ever-increasing role by the federal government, including massive federal programs, and the beaurocracy needed to administer them. I guess, if you had to peg my politics, you’d have to say, well, that I was a far-left liberal Democrat.

Ron Reagan: But, Ron.. as the public sector becomes larger and larger, there’ll be less and less wealth to distribute.

Ronald Reagan: Hmm.. [ thinking ] Yes.. yes, I see what you mean.

Ron Reagan: The way to maximimze wealth is to set loose the creative energies of men and women free from the constraints of government intervention. The wealth will then trickle down, to the poor.

Ronald Reagan: Oh. That makes a lot of sense.

Ron Reagan: Did you know.. that every tax cut in the history of government has brought with it an actual increase in revenues?

Ronald Reagan: Really? Well, that does it! I guess I’ve been fooling myself all along! Put ‘er there, fellow Republican! [ shakes hands with Ron ]

Ron Reagan: Terrific! Terrific! By the way, Ron, uh.. thjat cute Nancy chick kind of likes you.

Ronald Reagan: Oh, really?

Ron Reagan: Yeah. Why don’t you go check her out?

Ronald Reagan: Really? Okay.

[ Rambles ambles toward Nancy Davis ]

Ronald Reagan: Uh, Miss Davis?

Nancy Davis: Nike, is that — [ turns around, disappointed ] Yes?

Ronald Reagan: Well. Miss Davis, I just thought that.. well.. since we’re going to be playing opposute each other, you might want to hear my political views.

Nancy Davis: Don’t waste your breath, buster – I know where you stand.

Ronald Reagan: [ affirmatively ] No, you don’t! Did you know that, for every tax cut in the history of government, that has brought along with it increased revenues?

Nancy Davis: Oh.. I’d love to hear more! How about my trailer?

Ronald Reagan: Fine.

Nancy Davis: [ drags Ronald off-screen by his tie, passing Ron and Doc ] Come on, big guy!

Ron Reagan: Doc? Doc, I did it! I did it!

Doc: Oh, good!

Ron Reagan: I’ve gotta get back home..

Doc: You still have the time machine! Press the button!

[ Ron presses the button, but nothing happens ]

Ron Reagan: Now, what do I do?

Doc: What?! Oh! You gotta plug it in, stupid! Here! I’ll do it! 1.. 2.. there! [ plugs up the blender ]

Ron Reagan: Oh.. Doc, about the future. I’ve got to tell you something —

Doc: Oh, no no! No matter how good your intentions are, don’t tell me! The results could be disastrous!

Ron Reagan: Okay. Bye. But.. you die a horrible death.

[ Ron dissolves into thin air ]

Doc: What?! How?! Poison?! Shot by a jealous husband?!

[ dissolve back to present-day, Ron sprawled across the couch from his present-day living room ]

Ron Reagan: Holy smokes! [ looks around ] Mom? Dad? Where is everybody?

[ a welfare mother and her numerous children come down the stairs to investigate the noise from Ron ]

Welfare Mom: What are you doing in my house? Who are you?!

Ron Reagan: I’m.. I’m Ron Reagan..

Welfare Mom: The President’s son?

Ron Reagan: [ confused ] The President’s son?

Welfare Mom: Yeahhhh. I recognize you from People magazine. Yeah, you’re Ronald Reagan’s son!

Ron Reagan: Yeah. Yeah, I am!

[ a beat ]

Welfare Mom: Get the hell out of my house! Your daddy cut off my food stamps! Get him, kids!

[ the welfare mom and her kids chase Ron out of the house, beating him with pillows as he makes his escape into the night ]

[ “The Power of Love” pots up again as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Ron Reagan

Ron Reagan: We took an informal poll here.. We took an informal poll – we all had fun! I don’t know about you, huh? I want to thank The Nelsons! The Nelsons! and Penn & Teller! Good night! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 9th, 1985

Madonna

Simple Minds

Brandon Tartikoff

Simple Minds, “Alive & Kicking”

Madonna’s Monologue

Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.

Jones Brothers’

Recurring Characters: Jones Brothers’.

Penn & Teller

Card trick has Teller trapped in a water tank.

Nancy Reagan Meets Charles & Di

Recurring Characters: Nancy Reagan, Prince Charles, Lady Di.

Cabrini Green’s “I Don’t Want A Baby Coloring Book”

Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.

SNL Transcripts

Cabrini Green Coloring Book

Cabrini Green…..Danitra Vance

Cabrini Green: What’s happening? My name is Cabrini Green-Jackson. Um.. I’m an international spokesmodel. Not like the spokesmodels on “Star Search” – they ain’t about nothing! Um.. my full name is Cabrini Green-Harlem-Watts-Jackson. I’m a Libra, my favorite sport is running, I’m in tenth grade, I’m 17 years old, and I have two children. I speak for teenage mothers, I speak for just-about-to-be-mothers, and for don’t-wanna-be-mothers – I been all three!

So, I’ll never forget this one day – I was at home, my momma was fixing some corn bread, black-eyed peas, cnadied yam with neck bones and some Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. I said, “Hi, Momma, you wanna hear a joke? I’m pregnant.” She said, “How did that happen?” I said, “How am I supposed to know how that happened? You never told me nothing about things like that, the school don’t teach us about things like that, you’re asking me how that happened? How’d that happen? How’d that happen?” I finally said, I said, “Momma, you know it didn’t happen when Mary got Jesus, because we not Catholic!”

But don’t get me wrong – I love my Momma, you dig? It was just that that day she was getting on my very last nerve, you know what I’m saying? But anyway, my Momma, she helped me a lot with Binky and everything like that, but I could have avoided the whole thing with Binky if I had had this.. [ holds up coloring book ] ..the Cabrini Green “I Don’t Want A Baby” coloring book. It start off with two hearts – two hearts that beat as one. It’s very romantic, because, of course, I wrote this book myself. I think it’s gonna be very big. It’s got all kinds of physical charts, scientific programs, and it also has some porno pictures, so you can know what the real deal is!

Thank you very much.

SNL Transcripts

Critic

Victor LaSalle…..Jon Lovitz
Waiter…..Damon Wayans
Actress…..Nora Dunn
Newspaper Editor…..Randy Quaid

[ opens on Victor LaSalle typing at his desk ]

Announcer: Greg Sharnell is Victor LaSalle, movie critic for the nation’s most influential newspaper.

[ shows building, newspaper is titled THE DAILY TRUMPETER ]

[ logo CRITIC is typed on screen ]

[ opens on high-class buffet in fancy restaurant ]

Announcer: In a world where no one pays for his own dinner, Victor LaSalle stands alone.

Waiter: Champagne, caviar, Mr. LaSalle?

Victor LaSalle: No. I cannot in good conscience accept food and beverage from a motion picture studio.

[ logo CRITIC is typed on screen ]

Announcer: The passion. The pathos. The honesty. The despair.

[ Victor Lasalle is seen dining at a restaurant, someone reads newspaper with headline “Actress bites big one” by Victor LaSalle. Actress criticised in the article looks angrily at Victor, walks over to his table, and throws wine at his face. ]

Never before have the torments of movie critics been so vividly portrayed.

[ Victor is talking with another critic in a bar ]

Other critic: Most of us critics go into it for their own reasons. We so desperately want to be a part of show buisness, and yet we have no talent. So out of sheer envy we criticise the honest work of real artists, while secretly wishing all the time we were writing the scripts, or directing, or acting.

[ logo CRITIC is typed on screen]

Announcer: Ripping the lid off the corruption, the hypocrisy of the movie industry.

[ newspaper editor storms angrily into Victor LaSalle’s office ]

Newspaper Editor: Are you insane? You can’t pan a movie that was financed by the corporation that runs this newspaper!

[ newspaper article is held up, with headline “Megacorp Movie Bites Big One” by Victor LaSalle, the person reading the article turns out to be the head of Megacorp ]

Megacorp Head: [ into his cell phone ] Unplug that S. O. B.’s word processor!

[ logo CRITIC is typed on screen ]

[ protesters march around the Daily Trumpeter building, holding signs that say “TRUMPETER UNFAIR TO MOVIEGOERS”, “BRING BACK LaSALLE”, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT MOVIE TO SEE” ]

Protesters: Bring back LaSalle! Bring back LaSalle! Bring back LaSalle! [ repeatedly ]

Announcer: An extraordinary picture about an extraordinary man. The critics are raving:
[ reviews show up on screen, announcer reads reviews ]

“I loved this…film.”-JUDITH CRIST

“I laughed, I cried.”-JOHN SIMON

“I stuffed my face.”-ROGER EBERT

[ credits show up on screen ]

Rated PG-13. Children and stupid people should be accompanied by anintelligent adult.

[ fade out ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 1

85a: Madonna / Simple Minds

Drug Testing

…..Brandon Tartikoff
…..Anthony Michael Hall

Brandon Tartikoff: Hello, I’m Brandon Tartikoff, president of NBC Entertainment.

(applause)

In a few moments, the second decade of Saturday Night Live will begin, and all of us at NBC are excited that Lorne Michaels, the show’s creator and original producer, is back at the helm. As you may be aware, Saturday Night Live has had, in the past, some problems with … well, there’s no other way to put it … drugs.

(One audience member cheers)

You know, smoke, weed, toot … snow … glue. I could go on and on. We at NBC tried many methods of dealing with drug use on the show, after my own idea, the Honor System, failed so badly. Well, to assure you, the viewer, that this will be a clean show, I am announcing tonight a new network policy of random urinalysis testing for all cast and crew of the new Saturday Night Live. So as not to stigmatize the performers on this show, NBC will imply this procedure on all of our programs. From the actors on Miami Vice — except those who play the criminals — to Punky Brewster, to Meet the Press.

(displays a tray with urine samples in NBC logo plastic cups)

Now as you can see, eight of the new cast members have already completed testing tonight, and we are waiting only for the last member of the group, Anthony Michael Hall. As soon as he returns with his test, the show can begin. (waits around, looks at watch) … Well, a policy is a policy. Ah — there he is now.

(Anthony emerges in a bathrobe, and shakes Mr. Tartikoff’s hand as he turns in his sample.)

Anthony Michael Hall: I’m sorry this took so long.

Brandon Tartikoff: That’s all right. Congratulations, Michael. (puts the sample on a tray)

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Brandon Tartikoff: Um, Michael, if you’ll just uh, recite the network pledge, we can make this all official. (hands him a card)

Anthony Michael Hall: … Right.

(He holds up his right hand as he reads the pledge.)

“I, Michael Hall, swear to remain drug-free as long as I am associated with this network. And if I make a mistake, or freak out, it will not be because there are any chemicals in my body.”

Brandon Tartikoff: Well done, Michael.

Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, thank you.

(They shake hands again.)

Brandon Tartikoff: You know, even though you’re just 17 years old, I understand that you’ve been doing this kind of thing for quite awhile.

Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah, well, I’ve been giving specimens since um, since I first got chicken pox.

Brandon Tartikoff: Right. Well, uh, you may start the show.

Anthony Michael Hall: Thank you, Mr. Tartikoff. (the camera goes in on him as he says, with defiance) “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

Where You’re Going

Yuppie #1…..Randy Quaid

[ A group of yuppies sit around a table in a fancy restaurant, drinking ]

Yuppie #1: I gotta make a toast. Here’s to a guy who just sold his condo for five times what he paid for it!

[ rapid-fire scenes of yuppies living it up amongst the less-privileged, driving a Ferrari, pushing people aside in the streets, etc. ]

Jingle:
You want more than the rest
You just won’t take second best
You’ve never been number two
And you’re gonna get the things the world owes you.

Where you’re going, you’ve always known it
Where you’re going, you’re on your way.

[ Champagne glass reads “Where you’re going” ]

Where you’re going..
YOU’RE GONNA PAY!

[ Champagne glass now reads “HELL” – all the yuppies are howling andscreaming in Hell ]

Announcer: Yes, you’re going to Hell. For the life of false values, empty ambitions and raw greed, you’ve earned the agony of eternal torment. You’re going to burn, no doubt about it.

[ SUPER: “A message from Almighty God.” ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 1

85a: Madonna / Simple Minds

The Limits of the Imagination

Nancy Duncan…..Madonna
Killer…..Jon Lovitz
Floating Head…..Randy Quaid

FADE IN:

OUTER SPACE

HUNDREDS OF TINY STARS

A FLOATING HEAD, with curly hair and glasses, looks directly at us.

Floating Head: The Limits of Imagination.

SUPER: THE LIMITS OF IMAGINATION

INT. CAR – NIGHT

The camera pans down on a white car telephone cord. The telephone rings.

Nancy Duncan: Hello.

Killer (V/O): Hello, Nancy?

Nancy Duncan: Who is this? And why are you calling me?

[ A dial tone. Nancy hangs up the telephone. She wipes her right cheek. The telephone rings again. Nancy bits her lower lip and darts her eyes left and right. She answers the telephone. ]

Nancy Duncan: Hello?

Killer (V/O): I can see you Nancy!

Nancy Duncan: Please, please, stop bothering me!

[ The killer’s voice cackles and hangs up. Nancy follows suit. The telephone rings. Nancy hesitates for some time then answers. ]

Nancy Duncan: Stop it! Stop it! I can’t take it anymore!

Sgt. Tidrow (V/O): Miss Duncan? This is Sergeant Tidrow. We’ve managed to trace the calls — they’re coming from inside the car.

[ Nancy gasps. She glances at all the car’s doors and hits the accelerator. ]

EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT

A stoplight turns red. Nancy careens her car to an abrupt stop and hits her head on the steering wheel. She checks herself.

Sgt. Tidrow (V/O): Miss Duncan? Miss Duncan? Are you hurt?

Nancy Duncan: No Mom, I’m all right… It’s the car.

Sgt. Tidrow (V/O): Yes… the car… it’s all right. I want you to get out of the car and see if you have engine trouble. Act naturally and don’t make any sudden moves.

Nancy Duncan: All right, I will. Goodbye Mom.

[ Nancy hangs up the telephone. She steps out of the vehicle and approaches the hood. She opens it. A stocky, well-dressed, bald with patches – THE KILLER – lunges his arms towards Nancy. Nancy screams. The killer has control of Nancy and holds her down on the hood. ]

Killer: I got you, Nancy!

[ The car’s truck pops open. The floating head, now attached to his full body wearing a sandy blazer, tie, and black slacks, arises with a cigarette in his mouth and a revolver in his right hand. He fires three shots at the killer, who’s choking Nancy. The gunshots subdue the killer as he falls dead to the ground. Nancy rushes to the floating head and embraces him. He holds her close and faces the camera. ]

Floating Head: A beautiful woman. A psychotic killer. Perhaps you’ve seen it before. You may see it again, the next time we reach — “The Limits of Imagination”.

[ The floating head escorts Nancy back to her car. ]

SUPER: THE LIMITS OF IMAGINATION

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Pinklisting

Melinda Zoomont…..Madonna
Director…..Randy Quaid
Clint Weston…..Terry Sweeney
Make-Up Girl….Joan Cusack
Censor…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “In the early 1950’s, a dark shadow descended upon Hollywood. Caught up in the mass-hysteria of the McCarthy era, the entertainment industry turned against its own, blacklisting innocent artists and craftsmen. Banned from their chosen occupations, these blacklisted individuals fell victim to heresay, its ugly accomplice innuendo, and their unattractive sidekick, guilt by association. And now in 1985, Hollywood again is gripped by paranoia, this time provoked by the tragic AIDS outbreak. Actressed refused to do scenes with unknown actors. Gay actors are forced back into the closet, leading double lives, wearing wedding bands, riding motorcyles – living in fear that they will fall victim to: Pinklisting.”

[ dissolve to movie set, as actress Melinda Zoomont storms in ]

Melinda Zoomont: Art, are these the pages? Because if they are, it’s all wrong. I thought the love scene with the new character was out?

Director: Sweetheart, we decided that we had to establish your relationship with Lionel, because four or five scripts down the line, you’re gonna have his baby and he kidnaps you.

Melinda Zoomont: But I told you, I don’t do love scenes with actors I don’t know!

Director: Take five, everybody!

[ groans ]

Melinda Zoomont: I hate that this is happening to me, because it places me in the role of the bitch. And I hate that, because I’m not a bitch.

Director: Melinda, Melinda.. no one thinks you’re a bitch. Youre a professional. We all are. We’ve got a job to do. Now, you may not know Clint Weston, but I do. And I can tell you that there’s not another more masculine, more heterosexual actor on 24-hour call in this town!

Melinda Zoomont: Well.. maybe I’ll do the scene – but not until I meet the man face-to-face.

[ sound of motorcycle can be heard ]

Director: That sounds like Clint’s Harley.

Clint Weston: Damn those helmet laws – who needs ’em, huh?

[ everyone is happy to see Clint as he enters the set ]

Director: Hey, Clint! [ they shake hands ]

Clint Weston: How about the gazombas on that make-up girl, huh? Boy.. I know the old wife wouldn’t be pleased with that comment, but hey – just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu, right guys? [ notices Melinda ] Oh.. uh.. excuse me. Just a little guy talk there!

Director: Clint, this is Melinda Zoomont, your leading lady.

Melinda Zoomont: How do you do?

Clint Weston: Oh, how do you do? You don’t have to introduce me to television’s sexiest star!

Melinda Zoomont: Well, uh.. I think we’re running a bit late. Shall we do the scene?

Director: Right you are, Melinda. We’ll knock this off as soon as you get out of make-up, Clint.

Clint Weston: Okay, right-o! [ approaches the make-up chair, sits down ] Hey, how about handing me the paper, huh? I want to check the stats on my Raiders. [ flips papers around, notices article about Liza Minelli and Judy Garland ] Oh, my God! Why doesn’t she leave the poor woman alone!

Make-Up Girl: Are you alright?

Clint Weston: Of course, I’m alright! It’s just that Raiders secondary!

Make-Up Girl: Who’s the secondary?

Clint Weston: Oh, uh.. those are the guys that, uh.. go.. uh, uh.. both ways.. [ gets up, returns to the set ]

Director: Uh.. you got your dialogue?

Clint Weston: Uh.. yeah.. yeah.

Director: Alright, come on over here, we’ll just talk you through this. Okay, now, Clint, you propose a toast to your little scheme, you share a glass of wine, you gaze into each other’s eyes, you kiss passionately.. then you take off your clothes, and you get into the hot tub. Got it? Uh.. can we hear that hot tub!

Voice: Hot tub!

Director: That’s 180° in there, so you two should be quite comfortable.

Clint Weston: Can you believe we’re getting paid to do this!

Melinda Zoomont: Another day, another $10,000.

Clint Weston: [ laughs ] Stop it! We’ve got a scene to do!

Director: Could we get a censor in here? I’ve got a question about this kiss here?

Censor: [ enters set ] Yeah, what can I do for you?

Director: Oh, Ted, hey how you doing? Uh, listen, Ted, how passionately can we make this kiss? Uh.. we got sweeps coming up, I need a little help here.

Censor: I tell you, there hasn’t been much kissing lately, so.. just about anything is okay with us. Now, as long as we don’t see any tongue, a little bulge in the cheek.. [ demonstrates ] ..or this, that’s alright. But we can’t see any of this..

Director: Okay. Thanks, Ted, I owe you one, buddy! Okay, let’s rehearse this – Clint, Melinda, from the top! Alright, roll it.

Voice: Speed.

Voice: Sound.

Director: Action!

Melinda Zoomont: My husband has the same routine every day. If you follow my instructions, it should be child’s play.

Clint Weston: Angel, I want you to know – I’m not just doing this for the money..

[ a light falls from the set, crashing into the hot tub, freaking Clint out ]

Melinda Zoomont: Wait a minute! You’re gay!

Clint Weston: Yes, I’m gay! And now you all know. Art, you can fire me if you like, but I can’t go on living a lie.

Director: Clint, I admire your guts. And I think you should know that.. I’m gay, too.

[ so is everyone else ]

Clint Weston: [ to Melinda ] Living out this little charade, you know, was not our choice. It was a matter of survival! But I suppose you wouldn’t know anything about that!

Melinda Zoomont: Well.. actually.. I do have a confession to make. And I do understand you. [ pause ] I’m an intravenous drug user.

[ everyone groans ]

Director: Well.. shall we do the scene, then?

Melinda Zoomont: [ considering ] Alright.

Clint Weston: Wait a minute! No way am I gonna kiss an intravenous drug user! Get my agent!

Director: Take five, everybody! Clint!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 16th, 1985

Chevy Chase

Sheila E.

None

Sheila E., “Hollyrock”

Smoky Hallways

Fire Chief (Chevy Chase) makes sure his men check every door in sight.

Chevy Chase’s Monologue

Chevy Chase gives reminisces about the studio and gives words of advice to promising new cast member Jon Lovitz.

Wacky Glue

Extremely adhesive.

The Pat Stevens Show

Pat (Nora Dunn) interviews a feminist stripper (Danitra Vance).

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Ford/Reagan

Gerald Ford (Chase) counsels President Reagan (Randy Quaid) on the Soviets.

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford.

Freedom From Trojans

A message of importance.

Those Unlucky Andersons

Suburban family is plagued with problems throughout their home.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Damon Wayans proposes “Mo’ Money” technique against foreign countries.

Jose Cuervo’s Party School Bowl

Questions are ridiculously easy.

The Life of Vlad The Impaler

Transylvanian prince (Randy Quaid) has doubts.

The Blue, The Gray, & The Yellow

Civi War memories of the cowardly.

Drums, Drums, Drums!

Chase demonstrates his prowess in new instrumental album.

Pathological Liars Anonymous

Tommy Flanagan (Jon Lovitz) promotes his organization.

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Craig Sundberg, Idiot Savant

Craig (Anthony Michael Hall) judges a violin recital in Moscow.

SNL Transcripts