Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Mr. Bill Runs Away

(Scene opens with a shot of NYC. At a street there’s a sign that says “You Are Now Leaving New York City” on a post. Below it are Mr. Bill and Spot. Both are wearing disguises and have bags tied to sticks.)

Mr. Bill: Psst. Hey kids. It’s me Mr. Bill. You may not recegonize me because I’m traveling incognito so that Mr. Hands can’t find us. You know I figured me and Spot aren’t too safe around him anymore. So kids I hope you’re ready to have fun today because we’re all gonna run away from home! Yay! Oh boy and here comes a car! (Sticks his thumb out.) Maybe we can hitch a ride! Yay! (The car stops) Thanks for stopping! Yay! (The driver revs up the engine over so that Mr. Bill coughs on all the smoke. It’s Mr. Hands! And he gets out of the car.)

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill is that you?

Mr. Bill: No–uh No it’s not me.

Mr. Hands: Oh it is you! I’ve been worried sick about you Mr. Bill. I hope there hasn’t been any misunderstanding between us.

Mr. Bill: I didn’t think you liked us anymore.

Mr. Hands: Come on. Let’s shake hands. (Squeezes Mr. Bill’s hand)

Mr. Bill: No Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: And it’ll be like old times again.

Mr. Bill: Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Now come on hop up in the car and I’ll give you a ride home.

Mr. Bill: Ok but please drive carefully Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: Ok but first we need to buckle up for safety (fastens the seat belt around Mr. Bill.)

Mr. Bill: Ok but not too tight. Wha– That’s too tight! (Loses his disguise) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Let me take a cab home huh?

Mr. Hands: No I’m a good driver.

Mr. Bill: But wait we forgot Spot.

Mr. Hands: Oh that’s right. Let’s go pick him up (Puts the car in reverse and runs over spot)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: (Places the flattened Spot in the car) Make sure he sits still.

Mr. Bill: Oh poor Spot! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Never mind because we’d better step on it so that we don’t get caught in rush hour traffic.

Mr. Bill: Don’t drive too fast Mr. Hands.

Mr. Hands: (Sees Sluggo sticking his thumb out.) Oh look a hitchhiker! Let’s give him a ride. It’s good to help all people in need.

Mr. Bill: No! He’s going to be mean to me!

Mr. Hands: Don’t worry Mr. Bill. We’ll make Sluggo sit in the back seat. (Moves the back up the front seat forward crushing Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No wait no. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(Later Mr. Hands is driving up a mountain.)

Mr. Bill: Uh say Mr. Hands. This doesn’t look like the way home.

Mr. Hands: Oh I decided to take a shortcut. You’ll be home in no time (Starts driving faster.)

Mr. Bill: No wait these mountain roads are too dangerous!

Mr. Hands: Say that’s right. I better go check the tires. Here why don’t you take the wheel for a minute. (Takes off the steering wheel and hands it to Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t drive! I don’t even have a license! No!

Mr. Hands: (Leaves the car with Sluggo) Make sure you keep your eyes on the road Mr. Bill!

Mr. Bill: No don’t leave me! (The car drives off a cliff and tumbles down the hill exploding in the process.) Ohhhhh No!Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: See you next time when Mr. Bill goes to the hospital. Bye Bye!

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Fred Silverman

Fred Silverman…..John Belushi

Fred Silverman: Ladies and gentlemen, in the past few weeks you may have been reading and hearing reports that talk about bad times at NBC. They say that Fred Silverman has been President for one year, instead of making things better, he’s actually made them worse. Ladies and gentlemen, this is partially not true. It’s not one year – I’ve only been President for 11 months. And when I took over NBC 11 short months ago, I didn’t promise any miracles. I knew that I was taking on a challenge that was just about impossible to wing. I was given absolutely nothing to work with. I inherited shows that even I considered stupid and inane! I said to myself, if I only I had a “Mork & Mindy”, if only I had a “New Newlywed Game”! But when I came to this network, I didn’t even have a “Hello, Larry!” But now, I do.

[ show picture of McLean Stevenson ]

And how about Gary Cloleman, huh? Where did he come from? Whose idea was this Gary Coleman? [ Gary Coleman picture appears ] It was mine, that’s who! And who was it who talked Johnny Carson out of quitting? [ show picture of Johnny Carson ] It was me, that’s who! And who was it who talked Tom Snyder out of quitting? [ show picture of Tom Snyder ] It was me, that’s who! Why doesn’t the press ever mention any of our successes? Why don’t they mention that I’m developing a new line-up in the Fall, with exciting performers like Bob Hope and Robert Blake? You know, they only keep repeating that joke, that if someone brought me Hamlet, that I’d put a dog in it. I wouldn’t put a dog in it. I might put Gary Coleman in it, though..

[ show picture of Gary Coleman again ]

He’s brilliant, he can do anything! I’ve gotten to know this young man over the past 11 months, and I have found that, besides liking the same foods, we also share similar tastes in programming. In fact, we are of exactly the same mind on almost everything! I only wish I would have listened to him about “Supertrain”. Unlike a lot of people around here, he’s not afraid to voice his opinion. He’s a person who’s not afraid to say “I like it”, or “I don’t like it”, you know? His decisiveness has inspired me to have more faith in my own personal taste in opinions. And so, today, I am naming Gary Coleman as my new Chief Assistant, with the title of Executive Vice-President of NBC! Gary Coleman! Some say that Gary is too young to be a network executive; but some say no, 11 is old enough. Personally, I think age is not important. It’s wisdom that counts, and guts. That’s why Gary and I have decided to take a bold programming gamble, and move most of our Saturday morning programs to prime-time in the Fall!

But now.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Tom Snyder’s Mother

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Ma Snyder…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Tom Snyder seated at cozy restaurant table with his mother ]

Tom Snyder: Mom, I would just like to say that this is sort of a double occasion tonight. ‘Cause I’m taking you out for Mother’s Day, and we’re also celebrating the return of the “Tomorrow” show to Gotham!

Ma Snyder: [ speaking in a drawl that matches Tom ] Well, by golly, I’m happy to be here, too, Tommy! But let me say this to you, bearing in mind that a mother of years, as well as being her son’s biggest fan, also his harshest critic — you look like HELL!

Tom Snyder: Well, don’t bring me down, Mom!

Ma Snyder: I brought you up, why shouldn’t I being you down? [ a beat, then she titls her head back and guffaws ] If you’ll just hear me out, son, you’ll find amusing humor will illustrate a point. The fact is, Tom: You’re doing the “Tomorrow” show, you’ve just taken on a new show called “Prime Time”, and there’s talk about you anchoring the news. So, my question, then, to you, son, is: Why the HECK don’t you slow down before you burn yourself out?!

Tom Snyder: Oh, alright, alright, fair enough! You’re my mother, you want to know what makes Tommy run: Work is my life! TV is my home! I enjoy talking to strangers, asking inane questions, and rambling incoherently in front of millions of viewers at one o’clock in the morning!

Ma Snyder: Alright, Tom, fair enough! But it’s a mother’s prerogative to be concerned for her son!

Tom Snyder: Mom, you’ve ALWAYS been my best gal — it was DAD I had the problem with. I was always afraid he knew how I felt about ya’ and was jealous. My God, I’d like to have a nickel for every night I’d lay in my bed awake for fear he’d come in and SNIP the darn thing off! [ he lets out a guffaw ]

Ma Snyder: I wish I had a nickel for every time I stopped him!

Tom Snyder: Well, thank you, Mom, and I’m glad you did. To show my appreciation for being the wonderful mom that you are, I’d like to give you this mother’s Day gift. [ he hands her a small box ]

Ma Snyder: Thank you, Tommy. [ she shakes the box close to her ear ] What is it?

Tom Snyder: I’ll give ya a hint: It’s kinda free, it’s kinda wow!

Ma Snyder: [ thinking ] Charlie?

Tom Snyder: Charlie! Ha!

Ma Snyder: Oh, Tommy, you shouldn’t have.

Tom Snyder: Well, Mom, I did it because I’m fond of you, I respect ya’, I admire ya’, I, I — well — [ he sips his wine and chokes ] What the HECK, Mom: I LOVE YA’, Mom! There! I said it, I meant it! Happy Mother’s Day!

[ Tom kisses his mother, as they both make pouty lips ]

Ma Snyder: Thanks, Tommy.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 18

78r: Michael Palin / James Taylor

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Chico Escuela…..Garrett Morris
Margaret Thatcher…..Michael Palin
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Jane Curtin: Ernest Borgnine and Ethel Merman remarry. This story and more on “Weekedn Update”, next.

[ fade out, then in ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.

Our top story tonight: President Carter expressed anger and shock after the House of Representatives rejected his standby gasoline rationing plan, and challenged the House to come up with its own plan. Well, Republican Minority Leader John Rhoades reportedly has developed a new plan, whereby only white people can get gas. Mulattos and Orientals would be allowed to fill their tanks halfway, but only with regular.

NASA, the National Aeronomics and Space Agency, says that Skylab, a 77-ton space laboratory, is losing its orbit and will hurtle toward Earth between now and September. 500 pieces of the vessel will survive re-entry, the largest weighing 5,000 pounds, with many more over 1,000 pounds. NASA doesn’t know where any of these lethal fireballs will crash to Earth, but it is hoped that most of them will land on NASA Headquarters in Houston.

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: Costumed laboratiory mice, chanting “Hare Krishna! Hare Krishna! Hare Rama! Hare Rama!” broke out of their cages at Duke University yesterday, commandered golf carts from a nearby course, and went for a 48-hour spree through downtown Durham, North Carolina, shattering store windows, screaming mouse insults, and shimmying unashamedly to a combination of disco music and punk rock. There were no arrests made.

Well, it looks like age has finally caught up with Chico Escuela. The 42-year-old former Met made the Mets’ Spring Training, but once the season began, it was a different story.

[ cut to footage of Chico performing poorly at Spring Training ]

As if his entire body betrayed him, Chico looks spastic and bewildered, both at bat and in the field. Ground balls that Chico would have easily gotten in his prime, eluded him and contributed to the Mets’ slow start this season. Although the crowds were always behind the former hero, he never ceased to disappoint them. As the spirit was willing, Chico’s arms, legs, eyes and reflexes were shot to hell.. and then, this.. [ baseball hits Chico in the crotch ] ..to add insult to injury, a crushing blow off the bat of Dodger Steve Garvey. After being revived, a now sterile Chico Escuela informed the Mets that he was quitting baseball. Thus ends the inspiring saga of Chico Escuela. Chico will rejoin us here at the “Weekend Update” desk as soon as he catches his breath. Jane?

Jane Curtin: The New York State Health Department said that DES, a drug taken by pregnant mothers to prevent miscarriages, causes cancer in their children. As a public service, “Weekend Update” proclaims that any child whose mom has taken DES doesn’t have to buy her a Mother’s Day gift tomorrow.

Last week, Britain elected Margaret Thatcher to be the first woman Prime Minister in European history. Right now, “Weekend Update” is bouncing a live signal between our studios and #10 Downing Street, London, where Prime Minister Thatcher is waiting to talk to us. [ Thatcher appears on the screen behind Jane ] Mrs. Prime Minister, can you hear me?

Margaret Thatcher: Yes, yes, I can, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Well, first of all, our congratulations on becomingGreat Britain’s first woman Prime Minister.

Margaret Thatcher: Well, thank you, Jane. Throughout our history, Great Britain has been blessed by several great women leaders – Queen Elizabeth, Queen Victoria, Jeremy Faulk..

Jane Curtin: Mrs. Thatcher, during the campaign, you stopped wearing those outlandish hats you were known for. Now that you’ve been elected, do you plan to start wearing hats again?

Margaret Thatcher: [ laughing ] What are you talking about, Jane? This is a hat! Yes, it’s my lucky hat. I wore it all throughout the campaign.

Jane Curtin: I see.. Well, turning to more serious matters, Mrs. Prime Minister, are you going to reverse England’s Rhodesia policy and lift sanctions against the new government?

Margaret Thatcher: Yes. Yes, I am leaning that way, Jane. After all, there was an election – one person, one vote. Now, I ask you..

Jane Curtin: Uh, excuse me.. it wasn’t exactly “one person, onevote”. The whites were obviously..

Margaret Thatcher: Yes. Can I just finish? There is an internal settlement, there is a black Prime Minister elected in a Democratic election..

Jane Curtin:Uh.. not really Democratic. The internal settlement..

Margaret Thatcher: May I finish..?

Jane Curtin: The internal settlement guaranteed the whites adisproportionate number of seats in Parliament, enough to veto anymeaningful change in the next ten years! Whites will continue to control the Police, the Army, the Civil Service, housing.. perpetuating the system of oppresion that fuels the fire of revolution, and creates a breeding ground for Soviet expansionism!

Margaret Thatcher: Jane, you are an ignorant slut.

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Prime Minster Thatcher, for joining us tonight.

Bill Murray: As Salt II approaches, rumors about Soviet Premier Brezhnev’s health have increased. It was revealed yesterday that Vienna was chosen for the talks because the ailing Soviet leader would only have to take an easy train ride. Here, in a party meeting, Brezhnev grabs a fellow member for support.

This week — May 10th, to be exact — marked the 80th birthday of one of our idols, Fred Astaire. He was born in 1899, which means he’s actually older than the 20th Century. And this one is for you, Fred, from all of us.

[ Bill and Jane put on top hats and take out a pair of dancing canes ]

Jane and Bill: [ singing ]
“Birthday. Happy birthday.
Though your dancing shoes are showing wear and tear
You have reached the big 8-0, and you’re still there.
So I wish Happy Birthday, Fred Astaire.”

Jane Curtin: Astronomers are baffled over a new peculiar star that has been spotted in the sky. And here with a report, is our friend Father Guido Sarducci. Father?

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you. Thank you very much!

Jane Curtin: Excuse me, Father, I noticed your not wearing your red stripes. Did something happen, you weren’t promoted to Monsignor?

Father Guido Sarducci: Well, it was.. it was just postponed a little bit, Jane. They said there was some problem with the paperwork, and I’d have to wait for the next group. I don’t know if they’re giving me a ring around bush, what’s going on, I’ll tell you. I think I’m-a gonna be promoted soon, because I came up with a great idea, and I think they’re gonna like it and promote me right away.

Jane Curtin: What was the idea?

Father Guido Sarducci: It’s called the Shrine-Mobile. The Shrine-Mobile. I was in-a this-a big-a meeting, you know? And there was all these cardinals, and the bishops, and they was all-a really down and depressed, you know.. because they just got this-a report back, and it said that the take in the shrines is off-a 55%. And-a the reason is because-a the price of gasoline is so expensive – it’s $2.50 a gallon. People just-a can’t afford to drive down to the shrines, you know? So I said to them, “Where’s that ol’ walk-on-water spirit?” You know, Procter & Gamble wouldn’t take it sitting down. You know, if the people can’t-a drive to the shrines, you drive-athe shrines to the people. You know, I figured you get in these old trucks, put the statues on the back, put some rocks around the statues, put some candles down by the feet, you know? You get the seminarians to drive – you can pay ’em peanuts. I figure if we could make like $100 a truck a month, you get 100 trucks, it’s nothing to sneeze-a your nose at, you know? So it’s gonna to be good for me.

[ gets to his commentary ]

Well, there’s this-a new planet that they spotted. It’s gonna be something, it’s got these-a astronomers baffled in the house. [ holds up photo of the galaxy ] This is it right-a here, I hope-a you can-a see it. They call it SS-433, and they found out it’s-a coming toward Earth at 30,000 miles a second. But.. it’s also going away from Earth at 30,000 miles a second. It seems-a to be coming and-a going. It just breaks all the laws of physics, they don’t know what to make of it. So I went to the-a Vatican library, looked up these old archives – you know we’ve been-a involved with astronomy and astrology for years and years , hundreds of years. And, I did-a find it, in-a this old book. The planet was called Vienne et Viennu Planet.. it means A-Coming and A-Going Planet.. and the book says that there is life there, and it’s-a very interesting. It says that everyone there lives to be 200 years old. But it’s not like they get to be real old.. what happens is, they get to 100, then they start going back again. It’s like, 70, 80, 90, 100.. then, 90, 80, 70, 60.. then you’re like a teenager again, then you know a kid again, and then you know..you have to go back. I understand this-a little article says it’s even-a more tramautic than-a being born. And what’s interesting – people on this planet, just from looking at one another, they can’t tell who’s-a coming and who’s-a going. So, like, maybe two peple meet, they’re 20 years old, a fellow and a girl. They’re 20, and first you know, he’s 22 and she’s 18.. then, you know, he’s-a 25 and she’s-a 15.. and you know pretty soon you find yourselves in a lot of trouble, and then the first thing, you got a little baby on your hands, you know?

I read about this other planet, too, in the same book. [ holds out his fists ] It’s-a like, the sun is-a here and the Earth is-a here.. and on-a the other side-a of the sun, there’s this other planet we can’t see, you know, because the sun is-a blocking it from us.. but it’s-a just-a like-a the Earth in every single way, it’s like a mirror planet of Earth. There’s only one difference, and it’s that they eat-a corn on-a the cob-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates eating corn on the cob North-South instead of West-East ] That’s it! That’s the only difference. I’m not going there, you know, it’s-a too messy. I’m used to eating it-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates West-East eating structure ] I just don’t want-a change, habit like.

Well, it’s been-a more than-a wonderful spending a couple-a moments with you. Arreviderci, America!

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant Mother’s Day.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 19


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 19th, 1979

Maureen Stapleton

Linda Ronstadt

Phoebe Snow

None

None

Paul Shaffer

Tom Davis

Andy Murphy
Telepsychic RayRecurring Characters: Telepsychic Ray.

Transcript

Montage

Maureen Stapleton’s Monologue

The Navy AdventureSummary: It’s more than a job – it’s a small handful of money each week.

Note: Repeat from 78o.

Houseguest Idi AminRecurring Characters: Idi Amin.

Linda Ronstadt & Phoebe Snow perform “It’s In His Kiss”Also Performed:

Also Performed:

Roach Brothel

Mom’s BirthdayTranscript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

Nick at TransEasternRecurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

Black PerspectiveRecurring Characters: Rosa Santangelo, Vesna Shegula.

Veterans Of Foreign HairdosRecurring Characters: Dolly Parton.

Linda Ronstadt & Phoebe Snow perform “The Married Men”

Mary’s CandiesRecurring Characters: Floyd Hunger, Kevin, Ron, Jenny Rocker.

Transcript

The Mr. Bill Show

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 19

78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Goodnights

…..Maureen Stapleton

Maureen Stapleton: Good night, everyone. We had a great time, you were a great audience. [ she glances at the cast as they surround her ] And they are the most lovely group of people!

[ the cast swarm upon Stapleton for hugs ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

World at War

Richard Burton…..Bill Murray

[ open on black-and-white footage of World War II ]

Richard Burton V/O: June 5th, 1944. Paris. It is the day before 300,000 allied forces hit the beaches at Normandy to save a Nazi-occupied France. The leaders of both the allied and axis powers have readied themselves with a confrontation that could decide the fate of the entire free word. One man — General Dwight D. Eisenhower — made a last-ditch effort to avoid bloodshed and peacefully liberate France. To accomplish this, he called up… The Walker Brigade.

[ title card ]

[ dissolve to Richard Burton ]

Richard Burton: Good evening. I’m Richard Burton. Ike was hesitant to launch a D-Day attack that would jeopardize the lives of hundreds of thousands of men! So when it was suggested that the 45-men Walker Brigade confront the Nazi guns on June Five… Ike JUMPED at the notion!

V/O: Walker Platoon! Aten… hut!

[ cut to black-and-white footage of soldiers marching with walkers across enemy fields ]

Richard Burton V/O: Little is known about the Walker Brigade. This rare footage shows that they were a group of patriotic men who were EAGER to serve their country!

[ continued footage shows soldiers with walkers running an obstacle course ]

Richard Burton V/O: Don’t let looks deceive! The Walker Brigade was not composed of disabled soldiers — they were a group of able-bodied men who knew that the Geneva Convention stated that: [ SUPER: “… the enemy cannot shoot at, capture, take hostage of, torture or taunt any soldier who has a convalescent device.” ] “… the enemy cannot shoot at any soldier who has a walker!”

[ continued footage shows soldiers with walkers parachuting from planes ]

Richard Burton V/O: And so it began. In the grey dawn, June Five, the greatest airlift in the history of ambulatory aid took place over France.

[ a soldier with a walker dangles from a tree after landing ]

Richard Burton V/O: The strategy: From behind German lines at Orleans, approach Jerry’s SOUTHERN front, drive him north and FORCE him to surrender his BACK to the English Channel! Slowly, the Walker Brigade advanced along the perimeter of battle!

[ continued footage shows soldiers crawling along the ground beneath their walkers ]

Richard Burton V/O: The Walkers drove deep in Drax’s territory. They had nearly approached Orleans, where the entire German waylock was coiled and ready to STRIKE! If their mission failed, the ultimate conflict would be at hand! A CLASH between two opposing forces, would combine power to destroy civilization! THIS was the confrontation that these heroic men, 45 strong, wanted to prevent. At exactly 11:31 a.m., the undaunted Walker Brigade broke through a crack in the Siegfried Line! And, at exactly 11:32, Jerry, with no regard for the Geneva Convention, DECIMATED the Walker Brigade!

[ German soldiers open fire on the Walker Brigade, as soldiers and walkers topple over ]

[ return to Richard Burton ]

Richard Burton: D-Day went on as scheduled! The Walker Brigade was IDIOTIC! A STUPID ida, from a military standpoint, but a GOOD one if you host a show like this and are running out of rare film footage that still makes World War II look interesting! Im’ Richard Burton. Please join me next time, when “World at War” brings you RARE footage about… the Dialysis Division! Until then… good night!

[ THE END ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 17th, 1979

Rick Nelson

Judy Collins

None

None

Tom Schiller

Paul Shaffer

Tom Davis

Brian Doyle-Murray

Mitchell Laurence
Dick Lanky on WGN RadioSummary: It’s a flurry of activity as disc jockey Dick Lanky (Bill Murray) hosts “Breakfast with Lanky”, and he needs his listeners to provide with all the information hat he needs to get out to them.

Recurring Characters: Dick Lanky.

Transcript

Montage

Rick Nelson’s MonologueSummary: Rick Nelson performs “Hello Mary Lou”, “Travelin’ Man” and “Fools Rush In”.

The Twilight ZoneSummary: Rick Nelson finds himself trapped in the kitchens of black-and-white family sitcoms oher than “The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet”.

Recurring Characters: Rod Serling, Alfred Hitchcock, George Burns, Cesar Romero.

Transcript

Rock Against Yeast ’79Summary: Musical celebrities gather backstage at Rock Against Yeast ’79, where Candy Slice (Gilda Radner) eventually surfaces so she can perform “Gimme Mick”.

Recurring Characters: Don Kirshner, Jerry Eldini, Candy Slice, Dolly Parton.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayRecurring Characters: Chico Escuela.

Judy Collins performs “Hard Times for Lovers”

Quien Es Mas Macho?Recurring Characters: Eliot Ness.

Inhaling Helium

D&R Men’s StylistsSummary: Men’s hairstylists Denny (Rick Nelson) and Ron (Bill Murray) suffer slow business at the mall, while the neighboring Scotch Boutique flourishes in the wake of store closings.

Recurring Characters: Floyd Hunger, Jenny Rocker, Kevin, Ron.

Transcript

Picasso: The New York Years

Rick Nelson performs “Dream Lover”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

Rock Against Yeast ’79

Don Kirshner…Paul Shaffer
Jerry Eldini…Bill Murray
Olivia Newton-John…Laraine Newman
Bob Marley…Garrett Morris
…Rick Nelson
King One…Dan Aykroyd
King Two…John Belushi
Dolly Parton…Jane Curtin
Candy Slice…Gilda Radner

[Open on a backstage room filled with celebrities. Rock promoter Don Kirshner and Polysutra executive Jerry Eldini are conversing in front of an hors d’oeuvres table]

Don Kirshner: …terrific, terrific thing. And, and really, I gotta say, Jerry, that it’s a fabulous, fabulous thing when a Rick Nelson flies in from a Los Angeles, when an Olivia calls and says, you know, “What, Don is having a benefit, I’m there.” Forget about it, you know, ’cause it’s a love and a respect and a thing, it’s just…we’re golden with this benefit, already!

Jerry Eldini: There’s only one guy who could have set this whole benefit up, and I’m looking at him, Don Kirshner, you know that.

Don Kirshner: Don’t give me, Jerry. It was your idea.

Jerry Eldini: Gah! My idea, my idea. [crowd applause is heard in the background. Olivia Newton-John walks up to Don and Jerry] Ah! Monster, monster, Olivia, Olivia.

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, thank you.

Jerry Eldini: How about a little tootski, honey? [Turns his back to the camera as he secretly offers Olivia some cocaine]

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, sure.

Jerry Eldini: Go! Go again!

Olivia Newton-John: [wipes her upper lip] Oh, am I showing? Am I showing?

Jerry Eldini: A little bit on your nose. Little bit.

Don Kirshner: Olivia, I have to say that we are so grateful to have a rock giantess like yourself participate in our benefit.

Olivia Newton-John: Well, it’s a worthy cause, Don. I’d do it again to help stamp out yeast infections in our lifetime.

Jerry Eldini: When I see all this monster talent herded together under one roof and pause to reflect that, hey, me, Jerry Eldini, along with this [points to Don] very great, very small, [laughs] very small, very great man…

Don Kirshner: Oh, you’re terrible, Jerry!

Jerry Eldini: Oh, had a hand in organizing Rock Against Yeast ’79, I’m just proud as pee to be as part of the Polysutra label.

Don Kirshner: Jerry, where’s Candy? She’s on soon. I hope she’s straight for the concert.

Jerry Eldini: [Begins looking around] I don’t know. I hope she’ll be good. She was here. [Camera moves to couch where Bob Marley and Rick Nelson are sitting]

Rick Nelson: You know, Bob, I was in Jamaica for the Wailers concert in April. I really dug it.

Bob Marley: You were in Ja, man, for that thing!

Rick Nelson: Yeah.

Bob Marley: I’ll be doggone, man. That’s some thing, you know? I remember hearin’ about your concert, too. They tell me it was real good, you know. Everybody doin’ the reggae to it and stuff.

Rick Nelson: Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. I dug it.

Bob Marley: Y’ever been to the… [notices someone entering and taps Rick on the leg] Oh-oh-oh-oh who’s dat, man? Who’s dat dere?

[Camera pans over as an Elvis impersonator enters]

Rick Nelson: Oh, he’s part of an Elvis Presley impersonation act. He plays Elvis in the early-’50s, you know.

Bob Marley: He plays Elvis?

Rick Nelson: Yeah, he calls himself King One.

Bob Marley: King One?

[A second Elvis impersonator enters, dressed as the heavier 1970s Elvis]

Rick Nelson: King Two.

Bob Marley: King Two?

[Both Kings walk over to the couch and sit]

King One: [speaking like Elvis] Uh. E-Excuse me, are you Ricky Nelson?

Rick Nelson: Yeah. Hi. [Shakes King One’s hand] This is Bob Marley. [King One shakes Bob’s hand]

Bob Marley: How you doing, King One?

King One: I just wanna say I’m a big fan, and I know the real King was a buddy of yours. I just hope you get a chance to see our show.

King Two: We try to do the King justice. I have a ‘specially tough time ’cause I’m playin’ the latter part of the King’s life, after he discovered carbohydrates.

Rick Nelson: Right, yeah, well, what do you call your show?

King Two: Elvi!

King One: Uh, s-say, is that Dolly Parton over there or is that a Dolly Parton impersonator? [camera pans to Dolly Parton standing nearby]

Bob Marley: Gotta be Dolly.

Rick Nelson: [Stands up and brings Dolly over to the couch] Yeah, uh, Dolly? I want you to meet some friends of mine. [Bob Marley and the Elvi stand] Bob Marley. [Bob and Dolly shake hands] and the Elvi.

King One: Howdy.

King Two: [shakes Dolly’s hand] Hello, Dolly!

Dolly Parton: Hello. [giggles] Pleased to meet you both! [to Bob] I just love your “reggie” music. It’s so cute.

Bob Marley: Oh, that’s reggae, Miss Parton.

Dolly Parton: [leans forward] Oh, who does your hair?

Bob Marley: Who does–

[Jerry Eldini reenters the room]

Jerry Eldini: Attention, please! Elvi, you’re on next. Elvi One, please, and then Elvi two, stand by, okay? King One, King Two.

Kings One and Two: Nice meetin’ you folks. We got some impersonatin’ to do! [They exit]

Jerry Eldini: Good luck, fellas. Fabulous outfits, huh? Has anybody seen Candy Slice? Little girl who’s platinum around here who’s lost, little platinum…. Come on, anybody?

[Jerry opens the door. Candy, carrying a beer bottle, takes a few wobbly steps into the room and falls forward. Jerry catches her, pulls her back to her feet and guides her around the room]

Jerry Eldini: Candy! Hey, babe! We’ve been looking for you. Everybody’s dying to meet you.

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, excuse me.

Jerry Eldini: Olivia, do you know Candy Slice?

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, Miss Slice. You know, I’ve never actually seen you perform, but I’ve heard that you’re very, very hot. Do have a good show, really!

[Candy burps]

Olivia Newton-John: Salami? Is that salami? [Jerry leads Candy over to Dolly Parton. Candy stares at Dolly’s breasts for a moment]

Dolly Parton: Knock ’em dead tonight, honey! [laughs] At least we’re not wearin’ the same thing!

Candy Slice: [points to Dolly’s forehead] Hey, you’re gettin’ a zit there.

Jerry Eldini: Uh, Dolly, why don’t you go to the ladies room and freshen up, okay? [Hands Dolly a packet of coke] From Polysutra. Rick? [walks over to Rick Nelson] Hey, Candy Slice has been dying to say hello.

Rick Nelson: Uh, Miss Slice? [Candy takes a swig from her beer bottle] It’s really neat to meet you and be on the same show with you and everything, and I just wanna tell you I’m a big fan of yours. I love your latest album, “Making the Pig Sick.”

[Candy spits out her beer and leans her head against Rick’s chest]

Jerry Eldini: [Pulling Candy back up and laughing] Come on, Candy! Do you know who this is, for heaven’s sake?

Candy Slice: Fabian?

Jerry Eldini: [Catching Candy as she collapses] She’s quite a little kidder as it turns out. [Pulls her up] Upski, you little firecracker! Come on, you’re on in a few seconds! [Catches a stagehand’s attention] Howard, can you give me a hand? [Jerry turns to Rick as he and Howard help Candy out of the room] Thank you so much. It’s a real favor. She really appreciates it.

[Cut to shot of hallway as Candy is led, then carried, to the stage. The audience is applauding as the Elvi finish their act]

Jerry Eldini: The Elvi, everyone! Weren’t they fantastic? [The Elvi exit. Jerry props up Candy in front of the microphone] Test, one-two, test. Now, ladies and gentlemen, the rock-a-thon of Hope for Yeast benefit, in association with Don Kirshner and myself, Jerry Eldini –[laughing] okay, nobody knows me, I don’t care — take pride in presenting The Candy Slice Group, come on!

[Audience cheers]

Candy Slice: [slurring] Heeeey! Hey, Mick Jagger! If you’re out there, this is for you! [Candy waves her arm and the band starts playing]

[singing]
“Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan

Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll me ’til I’m sick.”

[Struts up and down the stage]

“Some girls want Travolta
All black and white and slick
But there’s screamin’ hunky mamas yellin’
Gimme Mick

Well my fine performance
Take my wife and all that shtick
Makes me die just ta meet ya

(Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick)
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll me ’til I’m sick

You, Mick Jagger, actually continue to perform at a concert where someone got knifed and killed during the 60’s
You, Mick Jagger, are English and go out with a model and get an incredible amount of publicity
You, Mick Jagger, don’t keep regular hours
You, Mick Jagger, have the greatest rock ‘n roll band in the history of rock ‘n roll, and you don’t even play an instrument yourself

(Rock ‘n roll, rock ‘n roll
Gimme gimme gimme rock ‘n roll)
Gimme gimme rock ‘n roll
(Gimme gimme gimme gimme)
Gimme gimme
Gimme gimme gimme gimme

Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby’s hair, bulgin’ eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I’m your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll meeee…
‘Til I’m sick [burps]-Ugh!”

[Candy hops up and down as the band plays its final chord, collapsing as the music stops. Applause and cheers. Jerry Eldini tries to pick Candy up as the scene fades]

Submitted by: JTR115

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12

78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

Goodnights

…..Rick Nelson

Rick Nelson: Thank you… everybody. Good night!

SNL Transcripts