Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Beatles Offer II

Written by: Lorne Michaels

… Lorne Michaels
… Don Pardo

[Seated at his desk — upon which is a large photo ofa smiling Richard Nixon — Lorne Michaels, wearing agreen jacket and a yellow-and-red striped tie,addresses the camera.]

Lorne Michaels: Hi, I’m Lorne Michaels, producer ofSaturday Night. A short while ago I went on the airand addressed myself to John, Paul, George, and Ringo– the Beatles. At that time, I invited them to appearon Saturday Night and told them I was authorized byNBC to pay them in the sum of three thousand dollars.That was three thousand dollars for just three songs.Well, a month has gone by. We’ve heard from theMonkees, Freddy and the– Freddy and the Dreamers,Herman’s Hermits, Peter and Gordon, the Cowsills, andLulu. But still no word from the Beatles. I’m notdiscouraged and neither is NBC. Because of the recentacclaim that Saturday Night has received, I was ableto convince NBC to … sweeten the pot. John, Paul,George, and Ringo — we are now prepared to up theoriginal offer to three thousand, two hundred dollars.

[holds a check up to the camera] Can we get a close-upof this check, please? Which camera is it on? [Ofcourse, there is only one camera and Lorne doesn’teven make a pretense of looking for another camera -we slowly zoom in on the check] Ah! As you can see,it’s a check for three thousand, two hundred dollarsmade out to you, The Beatles. Off the record, thisincrease comes to an extra fifty dollars for each ofyou. That’s if you split it equally — I’m still notsure what your situation with Ringo is. [zoom out]Furthermore, NBC will also take care of your hotelaccommodation. Don Pardo, tell the Beatles what theycan expect when they come to get that check for threethousand, two hundred dollars.

Don Pardo: It’ll be my pleasure, Lorne. First of all,the lads from Liverpool will be picked up by aradio-dispatched Checker cab [dissolve to a card witha cheaply-drawn cartoon of a cab under an awning thatreads: LAGUARDIA AIRPORT] that will whisk them toCross Town Motor Inn, [the card is pulled away toreveal another with a cheap graphic of a skylinelabeled CROSSTOWN MOTOR INN] located in the heart ofNew York’s fashionable garment district. Once there,they will check in [the card is pulled away to revealanother with a cheap drawing of a lobby chair andpotted palm] in the recently renovated lobby and thenit’s off to their rooms via round-the-clock elevatorservice [new card: a cheap drawing of an elevator’sfloor indicator – apparently, the Cross Town Motor Innhas nine floors] where they’ll be treated like royaltyas pitchers of ice water [new card: a cheap cartoon ofa uniformed bell hop carrying a tray of ice water] arehand-delivered to their rooms, and they can drink thatwater from glasses sanitized for their convenience.[new card: cartoon of water glasses filled with icecubes but covered with plastic wrap] Oops! Ringospilled a little something on his jacket? No problem– not with prompt forty-eight-hour dry cleaningservice! [new card: cartoon of suits in a dry cleaningbag] “In by Tuesday, out by Thursday!” And let’s justput a shine on those shoes, too, [new card: cartoon ofa piece of cloth and a pair of shoes] with a free shoeshine cloth. And, Lorne, since the Beatles will bestaying in separate rooms, the four Mop Tops can stillspeak to each other [new card: cartoon of a telephone]as much as they want to because there is no charge forroom-to-room calls. And, after a hard day’s night,[new card: cartoon of a clock] the Beatles can sleepas late as they like with leisurely checkout time often A.M. That’s the Cross Town Motor Inn, [new card:the Crosstown Motor Inn’s skyline logo] a hoteltradition, hosting New York’s visitors since 1971.Yeah, yeah, yeah! Back to you, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: [dissolve back to Lorne at his desk]Thank you, Don Pardo. John, Paul, George, and Ringo,that’s where we stand right now. Three thousand, twohundred dollars and free hotel accommodations. Now,it’s your move. I’ve always respected you. You werealways my favorite group and I’ve always liked Yoko,even at the beginning when things were difficult. Iwould like to see– I would like to see you onSaturday Night and so would the American people. Youknow where I can be reached. I’m waiting for you.Thank you.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Looks at Books

…..Jane Curtin
Henry T. Rudin…..Buck Henry

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Jane Curtin seated on set ]

Jane Curtin: Good evening, and welcome to “Looks at Books”. Tonight, our guest is a world-renowned sexologist, a man whose books and sex therapy clinics have helped thousands of couples overcome sexual problems. His new book is called “The Ultimate Expression”, and his name is Henry T. Rudin. Welcome!

Henry T. Rudin: Thank you.

Jane Curtin: Doctor Rudin, what exactly is your new book about?

Henry T. Rudin: It’s a book which explains what exactly takes place in our clinics, and how people can achieve the Ultimate Expression.

Jane Curtin: Well, what exactly does take place in your clinics?

Henry T. Rudin: Oh, it’s our aim to take couples who feel incompatible, speak to them, get to know everything there is to know about them, and treat them to the point where they can enjoyably, maturely, and without inhibition… uh… you know.

Jane Curtin: Do — uh — do what, without inhibition?

Henry T. Rudin: Oh! You see, a lot of inhibition are based upon ignorance, as well as repressed guilt, which is usually caused by a traumatic transition from one Freudian phase to another. Because of this, either or both partners are fixated, have a great deal of trouble when it comes to, uhhh… you know.

Jane Curtin: [ amused ] Trouble when it comes to what?

Henry T. Rudin: Well, it’s very sad that in an enlightened society such as ours, to see how many people, even highly educated ones, actually can’t deal with this completely beautiful and natural display of love, and how many potentially happy relationships go unfulfilled because of various problems when it comes down to, uh — uh — uh — you know.

Jane Curtin: You-you-you seem to be skirting the issue. Now, I have a problem. My husband and I come to you, you speak to us —

Henry T. Rudin: Absolutely.

Jane Curtin: After you speak to us, you what?

Henry T. Rudin: We put you alone in a room, where you, uh… you know.

Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] Are we undressed?

Henry T. Rudin: Yes, you are.

Jane Curtin: Then what happens?

Henry T. Rudin: Uh — well, uh — then, you start to encounter each other to the point where you eventually, uhhh… you know!

Jane Curtin: You come for therapy, you’re alone, you’re naked, no one’s around, you love each other, you start to show it.

Henry T. Rudin: Yes!

Jane Curtin: How do you show it?

Henry T. Rudin: Well, you’re alone! There’s all sorts of interplay, meaningful and romantic physical satisfaction.

Jane Curtin: At what point is this session over?

Henry T. Rudin: After you’ve, uh… you know!

Jane Curtin: To the point where you achieve the Ultimate Expression?

Henry T. Rudin: Right!

Jane Curtin: What is the Ultimate Expression?

Henry T. Rudin: You know.

Jane Curtin: No, I-I don’t know What is it?

[ Dr. Rudin squeezes his hands together, then subtly makes a circle with one hand and pushes a forefinger from his other hand through the hole ]

Jane Curtin: [ to the camera ] Please join us next week, when “Looks at Books” speaks to the author of “The Rabbi’s view of Art”, a study on circumcision and its effect on future statues. Good night.

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Crowd Audition

Woman…..Jane Curtin
Director…..Buck Henry
Casting Agent…..Chevy Chase
Members of the Crowd…..John Belushi, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, Dan Aykroyd, Garrett Morris, Mivhael O’Donaghue, Al FRanken, Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel, etc.

[ open on Woman auditioning on stage ]

Woman: “Shoot, if you must, this old grey head, But spare her country’s flag,” she said.”

Director: That’s terrific, sweetheart. Thank you very much, you’ll hear from us.

Woman: Thank you, thank you!

[ she exits ]

Casting Agent: Just like you, Fred! What other director would in Hollywood would cast EVERY single part, right down to the smallest character?

Director: Well, listen, I’ve spent two years putting this thing together, I’m not gonna let some two-bit extras screw things up. I’ve got a hot script, I’ve got the best cast every assembled: Marlon Brando, Jane Fonda, Shelley Winters —

Casting Agent: Tatum O’Neal — you’ve got ’em all.

Director: I swear, George — “Too Young to Live” is destined to go right up there with the classics.

Casting Agent: Listen, before lunch, we still have some people out there.

Director: Yeah, but all that’s left to cast is the crowd scene.

Casting Agent: Well, uh — there’s a crowd waiting out in the hall. They have a two o’clock appointment.

Director: Terrific! Send them in!

Casting Agent: Okay. [ he calls out ] Uh — NEXT, please!

[ a huge crowd of actors flood the stage from all directions ]

Director: Hi!

Crowd: HI!!!

Director: I’m sorry, uh, to have kept you waiting. I guess you’re a little bit nervous. [ the crowd waves it off ] Yeah, well, just try and relax, this should be VERY easy for you. I’m gonna just ask a few preliminary questions first. Uh — your name?

[ everyone in the crowd blurts out their name at once ]

Director: Did you get that?

Casting Agent: Yeah, I got it.

Director: Okay. [ to the crowd ] Uhhhh — what was your last picture?

[ the crowd rocks back and forth across the stage, screaming, “Whoa-oa-oa!!! Whoa-oa-oa!!!” ]

Director: “Earthquake”.

Casting Agent: “Earthquake”.

Director: Yeah. [ to the crowd ] Of course! That’s where I recognized you from! You were very, very good in that.

[ the crowd nods humbly ]

Casting Agent: You know, you look a LOT thinner in person!

[ they all laugh ]

Director: Okay! Let’s start. Uh — now, you’re in the desert, and you’ve just sighted a UFO — let’s see how you respond! ACTION!!

[ one woman in the crowd points to the sky ]

Woman of Group: Up there! Look!

[ the crowd follows her gaze, then they all point their arms in the air in awe and follow the motion of the UFO as it passes ]

Director: CUT!! Good, good! I believed you! That was very nice. Why don’t we run through a couple of the basics now? I’d like you to go from a restless multitude to an unruly, threatening mob. Okay? Start restless, build up to unruly and threatening… and ACTION!!!

[ the crowd starts off restless, individual members nonchalantly smacking their hands together while talking to another member, then it escalates as they begin grabbing one another and waving signs that read “GET OUT!” and “POWER TO THE PEOPLE!” ]

[ Casting Director whistles for the crowd to back up ]

Director: Alright, CUT, CUT, CUT!! Very nice, thank you! Excuse us for a second. [ to ?? ] What do you think?

Casting Agent: I’m getting too much, too long. We want MORE, not long.

Director: [ to the crowd ] Alright! We’re gonna try something else, Crowd. It’s 1927, uh, Lindbergh has just landed in Paris; you are excited and thrilled. ACTION!!

[ the crowd displays excitement — confetti is thrown, a sign that reads “VIVE LINDY!” is waved, etc. ]

Director: OKAY!! CUT!! CUT!! That’s beautiful! Very, very pretty. Now, I’d like to see you, uh — I’d like to see you work with a little PANIC! Why don’t we try this: You are Japan! Godzilla is ravishing Tokyo! ACTION!!

[ the crowd points and panics and pushes each other towards the back of the stage ]

Director: CUT!! Very, very nice! Uh — hang on a second. [ to the casting agent ] Who taught this crowd how to act?

Casting Agent: I don’t know, don’t ask me…

Director: I want to try something. I want to see how flexible they are. [ to the crowd ] Uh, listen, Crowd — Dorothy and Toto have just arrived in Munchkinland. I want you to make them feel warm and welcome, okay? ACTION!

[ the crowd falls to their knees, hod their arms out and chatter in high-pitched voices ]

Director: CUT!! Very nice! Very nice. I think I have a good, uh, sense of your range. If you could just, uh, leave a picture? [ a group crowd portrait is shuttled forward ]

Casting Agent: How about phone numbers?

Director: Phone numbers? [ a telephone book is shuttled forward ] Thank you. Thank you very much! That’s very nice, uh — oh! I forgot to ask you one thing: Do you lynch?

[ desperate for the job, the crowd breaks into mass hysteria, as one member climbs upon the shoulders of others and tosses a hangman’s noose over a beam, and others lift a Black member of the group up and shove his panicked head through the noose ]

Director: CUT!!! GREAT!! GREAT!! YOU’VE GOT THE JOB!!

[ the crowd congratulates themselves, as the Black man is set free and the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Dell Stator’s Toad Ranch Restaurant

Kenny Slungard … Dan Aykroyd
1st Diner … Jane Curtin
2nd Diner … Buck Henry
Singers … Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman

Kenny Slungard: [cowboy hat, Western string tie, vest,thick Western accent] In these days of runawayinflation, there aren’t many family restaurants leftwith quality service and good food value. Now, we’retalkin’ about the kind of restaurant that doesn’tsacrifice that Sunday dinner feelin’ and still servesthe family a tasty meal at home town prices. They justdon’t seem to be around any more. Except one: DellStator’s 99 cent Toad Ranch! [sign on the wall reads:Dell Stator’s Inc. 99¢ TOAD RANCH RESTAURANT — alsomounted on the wall: rifles, a chart showing thevarious cuts of toad meat, and a sign reading: ALL THESALAD YOU CAN EAT – ALL THE SANGRIA YOU CAN DRINK] Hi,I’m Kenny Slungard, Chief Rustler for Dell Stator’s 99cent Toad Ranches, home of the world famous DellStator Toad Pit and the Dell Stator Patented BroilingMethod where we can guarantee you the best 99 centtoad steak you’ll ever eat. How? Because at every DellStator 99 cent Toad Ranch we breed our own toads righton the premises. [takes the top off a metal wash basinand holds it up to the camera — inside are tiny reallive toads] Like these plump young toad steers –right here in one of the Stator Toad Pits, right here!Pick your own, just like I’m doin’, right out of theStator Toad Pit. [grabs a toad] All of Dell Stator’stoads are butterfly- and firefly-fed, coated in DellStator’s special sauce and [holds a couple of toads upto the camera] they are the only toads that areprepared using the Stator Patented Broiling Method inthe world famous Stator Toad Pit, to give you and yourfamily the thickest, juiciest toad steaks and roastsyou’ve ever eaten. [walks over to two diners at anearby table] All right, now. Ha ha! How iseverything, folks?!

1st Diner: [mouth full] That’s real tasty toad!

2nd Diner: [toad meat hanging out of his mouth] Ican’t think of a time when we’ve had better toad!

Kenny Slungard: Yeah! So come on down here to yourlocal Dell Stator’s 99 cent Toad Ranch and get in onthat big bicentennial toad drive! Ho! Looks like thisherd’s just about ready here! [returns to the toad pitand lights up a flaming acetylene torch with a wink]Yeah! [starts to torch some toads]

Singers: [enter from either side of the screen,singing]
When you’re at home or on the road
And you’ve got to stop when you crave that toad
Dell Stator’s, Dell Stator’s
Dell Stator’s Family Toad Ranch!

Kenny Slungard: Yeah! And, you know, I’m the kind thatLOVES to eat ’em raw! [dangles a wriggling toad overhis mouth to the disgust of the audience]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Chevy On Crutches

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman

[ Chevy Chase hobbles onto the stage with a cast on his right leg. A red card table and folding chairs is at the left corner of the stage ]

Chevy Chase: Uh.. good evening, everybody. I’m afraid I have some disheartening news, for some of you. Uh.. unfortunately, I’ve inured my leg earlier this week, accepting an Emmy Award – uh, thank you.. very much. [ audience chuckles ] And, uh, it may be broken, I haven’t had it X-rayed yet, but, um.. Actually, I have had it X-rayed, I haven’t seen the X-rays. Anyway, obviously, I can’t do a fall for you, and, uh.. I wanted to do the opening fall.

However.. Laraine Newman – one of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players – has very graciously consented to do, uh.. the fall, instead. She’s gonna fall over this table to my right. I say gracious because.. the entire show, the entire staff of the show has been very, really terrific about my winning, uh, the Emmy – thank you again. [ audience chuckles ] There has been no enmity, no hostility, no jealousy. They’ve just been very warm and natural, and, uh.. congratulated me.

And I must say, even Laraine, uh.. who I, at times, thought didn’t maybe even like me that much, has actually volunteered and consented to come and do the fall. And I — some kind of pratfall, I don’t know what it will be. Of course, it won’t be as good as.. uh, my falls. But that’s not.. her fault. She’s not trained at that. She’s a mime, I believe. She’s a woman. Of course, women are clearly.. not built that way. They’re not built for physical schtick, or physical falling, and that kind of stuff. Physical comedy. So, I understand the hissing and all that. It’s just a fact, they’re just not built. So, as I say, anyway, she probably won’t be as good as me – the winner. Uh.. but.. uh, she’s gonna give it her all, I imagine. And, uh.. well, why don’t you give it a shot, Laraine?

[ Laraine Newman struts across the stage, stopping in front of the red card table ]

Chevy Chase: Thank you once again.

Laraine Newman: Thank you for this opportunity, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Oh, you’re welcome.

[ Laraine stretches her arm out wide in preparation for her scene, then yanks Chevy’s right crutch forward and sends him toppling over the card table, which falls off the stage and sends itself and Chevy and his crutches to the floor. ]

Chevy Chase: [ pushes the broken card table off his body ] “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry

[FADE IN on Tony Orlando and Dawn continuing to writhe about the stage and scream in agony. Buck Henry walks onstage, stops behind them, then vaults neatly over one of the women and continues on to the runway.]

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much. Remember, next week, Elliott Gould. Watch him breeze right through the security guard. Thank you, Gordon Lightfoot. He’d play another song, but he only owns one guitar. Thank all of you for coming, and, uh, we’ll see you sometime when this mess gets cleared up.

[As the All-Nurse band swings full-tilt into the closing theme, several of the players leap up onstage. Chevy Chase and Garrett Morris dart past Buck and rush to Tony Orlando and Dawn, while Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin each kiss Buck as John Belushi pats him on the back. FADE to a wider shot of the studio as the main credits roll.]

Don Pardo: Our host next Saturday night will be Elliott Gould! This is the voice of Don Pardo, coming from the mouth of Don Pardo, triggered by the brain of Don Pardo, adapted from a short story by Don Pardo, and stolen from an idea by Johnny Olsen!

[Belushi has lifted Buck onto his shoulders, and Buck sways there while the players mill around them and Tony Orlando and Dawn finally recover.]

Don Pardo: Stay tuned as Paul Anka plays host to “Superstars,” premiering tonight. Good night!

[PAN back to a wide shot of the studio as Belushi sets Buck down on the floor. FADE to black after credits end.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..John Belushi
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Jane Curtin
Security Guard…..George Coe
…..Buck Henry
…..Howard Shore

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Buck Henry!

[ the offstage house band continues to play the main theme, but Buck Henry doesn’t come down the basement stairs to perform his monologue. The audience applauds in anticipation, quieting down only when the band finally commences. A stagehand sticks his head into frame, waves his hands, poits toward the back of the set and runs in that direction. He peeks up the stairs, but shrugs; Buck Henry is a no-show. The stagehand calls a robed and shaded John Belushi to the stage. ]

John Belushi: What?

Stagehand: Buck’s not here.

John Belushi: Buck’s not here?

Stagehand: Buck’s not here.

John Belushi: What do you want me to do?

Stagehand: Open the show.

John Belushi: Open the show?

Stagehand: Open the show.

[ the stagehand rushes off, as Belushi takes center stage to thunderous applause. Lorne Michaels approaches Belushi on stage. ]

John Belushi: Buck’s not here, Lorne. Where is Buck, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: He’s not here.

John Belushi: He’s not here?

Lorne Michaels: Uh.. he was here for dress rehearsal.

John Belushi: Yes, I know that.

Lorne Michaels: He hasn’t come back, I don’t know where he is.

John Belushi: You don’t know — he was here for dress? Where is he?

Lorne Michaels: What you’ll have to do is, you’ll just have to host until he gets here.

John Belushi: Host, until he gets here? Okay.

[ Lorne Michaels rushes off stage to the hallway, leaving Belushi alone on stage ]

John Belushi: Uh.. well, I’m the host this week, uh.. for the show, I guess.. uh.. and, uh.. I’d like to do a few numbers —

[ cut to Lorne rushing down the hallway ]

Lorne Michaels: We haven’t found Buck.

Jane Curtin: What?

Lorne Michaels: I don’t know where he is. He hasn’t come back. I don’t know. He went for cigarettes, or something, like — he said something about — a hamburger? No.

[ Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman follow Lorne down the hall. They are, of course, dressed in costumes they won’t actually wear during the live show, except for laraine who’s still dressed as she was in the cold opening. ]

Jane Curtin: A hamburger? He said he’d be right back!

Lorne Michaels: I’ll find Buck. Go back there and help John.

[ the girls begin to complain simultaneously ]

Lorne Michaels: Well, I can’t help that! I don’t know.. I don’t know..

Jane Curtin: Well, can you do something?

Lorne Michaels: [ stops at elevator, speaks into an intercom ] Meet me downstairs.

Jane Curtin: What do I do?

Lorne Michaels: John is onstage, he’s hosting tonight?

Girls: John is onstage? Alone?!

Lorne Michaels: I’ll find Buck Go back and help John.

[ cut back to John Belushi at Home Base ]

John Belushi: — A few things I don’t like about this show myself, you know? I mean, they throw people out there. They don’t have anything to do, the host is late, who the hell knows what’s going on? I don’t know what’s going on! You know? Cheap jokes, folks! [ trips himself and stumbles tothe floor; the audience cheers ]

[ cut to the main lobby, 30 Rockefeller Center. Buck Henry, holding a newspaper, is in a heated argument with a security guard, who fails to recognize him and is refusing him entrance into the building. ]

Lorne Michaels: Excuse me. This is Buck Henry – he’s the host of this week’s show.

Security Guard: Wait a minute. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. The host of the show is a star. This man is not a star! This is not no Ray-quel Welch. This is no Candice Bergen. This isn’t even Elliot Gould! What are you telling me?

Lorne Michaels: This man — this is the host of this week’s show.

Buck Henry: I’ve been going in and out all week!

Lorne Michaels: All week.

Security Guard: May I ask you a question? May I ask you a question, sir?! I’ve never seen this man before! Have I ever heard of you before, sir?

Buck Henry: Look, I gotta go —

[ Buck rushes forward, but the security guard stands and grabs Buck by the shoulders ]

Security Guard: Listen, let’s not get physical!

Lorne Michaels: Please.

Security Guard: Who are you, sir? Who are you, sir?

Lorne Michaels: I am the producer of the “Saturday Night” show.

Security Guard: Alright, sir. I am the guard of the security desk. You’re responsible for going upstairs.

Buck Henry: Yes, he is!

Lorne Michaels: Yes.

Buck Henry: We’re on the air right now.

Lorne Michaels: I’m telling you, we’re on the air right now.

Security Guard: This man does not have a pass!

Buck Henry: I have a pass! I left it upstairs, in my clothes in the dressing room!

Security Guard: May I see your identification, please, sir?

Lorne Michaels: I have my identifiction right here. [ pulls out his badge and shows it to the security guard ]

Security Guard: Alright, thank you very much.

Lorne Michaels: Okay?

Security Guard: Okay. Alright, Mr. Mitchell, you may go upstairs.

Lorne Michaels: No, no, no, no. It’s Michaels.

Buck Henry: Henry is my name.

Lorne Michaels: Buck Henry is the star of this week’s show, okay? He’s coming with me.

Security Guard: The man – the man may not pass without a pass!

Lorne Michaels: Can you call someone, please?

Security Guard: I’m sorry, sir. I’m only following orders.

Buck Henry: It’s upstairs in the dressing room, I’ll bring it down to you later.

Lorne Michaels: Honestly, he is the host of this week’s show. I will take responsibility for him. Okay? I’m Lorne Michaels, I’m the producer of the show —

Security Guard: You’ll take responsibility for him?

Lorne Michaels: Yes, I will. [ walks toward the elevators with Buck in tow ]

Security Guard: Alright, sir, let it be on your head!

[ the elevator doors close, as the security guard picks up a red phone ]

Security Guard: Harry? It’s Main Desk Security. A couple of very peculiar guys just went upstairs. Yeah, some guy, Myers, says he’s the producer? And he’s got Buck Jones — I don’t know. Buck Owens. A little beady-eyed guy. I don’t know what they’re doing. He’s in there to give somebody a karate chop – that’s all we need.

[ cut to the halls of Studio 8-H, as Lorne and Buck step out the elevator and head for the studio ]

Lorne Michaels: Buck, how can I apologize for him? This has never happened to a host before.

Buck Henry: 2,000 miles, I flew —

Lorne Michaels: I’m sorry. I did the very best I can.

Buck Henry: Insane.

Lorne Michaels: This man, John Belushi, is on stage now.

Buck Henry: We could have left a picture of me downstairs — what do you mean he’s on stage?

Lorne Michaels: But I can’t quit. This man is obviously new to Security. Now, John is doing, is doing very well —

Buck Henry: [ offended ] What do you mean he’s doing very well?

Lorne Michaels: Well —

[ they enter the studio, where Belushi is delivering some sort of triumphant monologue ]

John Belushi: — melting Bobbitt’s teeth. Instead of melting Bobbitt’s teeth to frighten the soldier’s fearful adversaries, he gave us —

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Lorne and Buck step onto the Home Base stage. Buck stomps to the back of the set, flings his newspaper to the floor, and climbs up the stairs, as Belushi slinks away. ]

Lorne Michaels: Howard, Howard? Can we start again, please?

Howard Shore: Lorne, we’ve done the theme already.

Lorne Michaels: Can you start with the theme again, please? I know it’s — we’ll do it one more time, alright?

[ the opening theme begins anew ]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Buck Henry!

[ Buck Henry comes down the stairs, steps over his newspaper, and folds his arms in anger as he stands before the audience and waits for the opening theme to wrap up ]

Buck Henry: [ as the music stops, smiles wide ] Hi! Uh.. I-I’m really pleased to be, uh.. to be back here on-on-on the show. It’s a great thrill for me. You know.. a rather strange occurence happened to me while I was, uh.. while I was going to the airport to take the plane —

Dave Wilson V/O: Buck, we’re running a little long, can you cut it short?

Buck Henry: [ miffed ] We’ll be right.. back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15

75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

White Guilt Relief Fund

… Garrett Morris
Announcer … Don Pardo

[In front of a brick wall, Garrett Morris, wearingsuit and tie, his head cocked to one side as if hewere missing a bone from his neck, addresses thecamera.]

Garrett Morris: Hi. I’m Garrett Morris, talkin’ to allyou white Americans about the way black people havebeen treated in America. Now, I know a lot of you feelguilty — and you should. My great-great-grandmotherwas brought over here on a slave ship and was raped byher white master. And my grandfather was lynched by amob for not tippin’ his hat to a white lady. Now,they’re dead now and there’s nothing you can do toerase their suffering. However, if you would like torelieve your guilt, I am willing to accept money as arepresentative victim of four hundred years ofrepression. Send your check or money order to WhiteGuilt Relief Fund, care of Garrett Morris, 870 West127th Street, New York, New York 10089 [Superimposedtext reads: WHITE GUILT RELIEF FUND c/o GarrettMorris, 870 West 127th Street, New York, New York10089] — and if you send in before July 4th, 1976,[holds up a parchment scroll and an orange card] Iwill send you this beautiful scroll and I.D. cardcertifying you as an honorary Negro in the eyes ofseveral black Americans! Once again, that address![Smiling, Garrett pauses as Don Pardo takes over.]

Announcer: White Guilt Relief Fund, in care of GarrettMorris, 870 West 127th Street, New York, New York10089. Send cash or money. I know I have. I felt justterrible until I did.

Garrett Morris: Thank you!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 13th, 1976

Anthony Perkins

Betty Carter

The Muppets

None

Alan Zweibel

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Rosie Shuster

Al Franken

Tom Schiller



Season 1: Order Now! A Word From ChevySummary: Chevy Chase rambles on as he denies charges that SNL pads material to fill for time.

Transcript

Montage

Anthony Perkins’ MonologueSummary: While trying to prove to the audience that he’s not creepy in real life, Anthony Perkins ends up eating a fly.

A President’s View on Marijuana IRecurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Hello, Dolly Therapy

Dominatrix CleaningSummary: A dominatrix (Jane Curtin) tries to reform sloppy housewife (Gilda Radner).

Norman Bates School of Hotel ManagementSummary: Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins) argues with his unseen mother while quizzing viewers on how to become a hotel manager.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: Scred and Ploobis ask Anthony Perkins to help get them back on “Saturday Night Live.”

Betty Carter performs “Music, Maestro, Please” & “Swing Brother Swing”

A President’s View on Marijuana IIRecurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: John Belushi ponders comparisons between lion and lamb during his weather rant. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) speaks out against preserving natural “race horses.”

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Land Scarcity

Affair With Co-Worker

A President’s View on Marijuana IIIRecurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Gary Weis Film

Sherry’s BeeSummary: Sherry (Laraine Newman) tells her teacher (Anthony Perkins) that she thinks she deserves better than a Bee (John Belushi) for her grade.

Recurring Characters: Sherry, Bee.

Post-Psycho Low-Budget Horror Movie Trailers

“P-Nut Fever”Summary: A film by Phil Van De Carr.

Betty Carter performs “I Can’t Help It”

Butt County Dance PartySummary: Sheriff Rick Phillips (Anthony Perkins) moderates a dance party for county teenagers and runs their names through the central computer to check for warrants.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 16

75p: Anthony Perkins / Betty Carter

Norman Bates School of Motel Management

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Norman Bates…..Anthony Perkins

[ open in an eerie, old motel room ]

Norman Bates: [ to camera ] Are you tired of slaving away in adull, dead-end job? Fed up with meager paychecks that never stretch quite far enough? Sickened and disgusted by missing out on the good things of life? Hi, I’m Norman Bates for The Norman Bates School of Motel Management, here to explain how you can be your own boss while earning money in this rapidly-expanding field. Best of all, you learn at home, right in the privacy of your own shower. I’ll show you how to run anything from a tourist home to.. [ camera pans to scary-looking duck trophy on the wall, then back to Norman ] ..a multi-unit motor inn. You’ll recieve step-by-step instructions.. [ camera pans to scary-looking owl trophy on the wall, then back to Norman ] ..on how to make reservations and how to determine room rates, how to change the linen, and even little-known tricks of the trade, such as improving customer relations by giving guests a complimentary newspaper in the morning. [ holds up newspaper that reads “Los Angeles Times: SLASHER STRIKES AGAIN!” ]

Yes, a diploma in motel management can be your passport to prosperity,independence, and security, but are you motel material? Let’s find outwith a simple quiz.

Question 1: A guest loses the key to her room. Would you
A) Give her a duplicate key
B) Let her in with your passkey
C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife

Question 2: Which of the following is the most important in running asuccessful motel?
A) Cordial atmosphere
B) Courteous service
C) Hack ker to death with a kitchen knife

Question 3: How many.. [ holds newspaper over his mouth, and speaks in an old lady’s voice ] Important phone call, Norman. [ puts down newspaper, resumes regular voice ] What, Mother? [ puts newspaper over his mouth again ] Important phone call! [ puts newpaper down, and resumes normal voice ] Well, I’ve got to go, I have an important phone call! Just one of dozens I get every week as a fully-qualified motel manager. And if you would like to beome one, too, simply send your name and address to “The Norman Bates School of Motel Management, Old Highway, Fairvale, California..”

[ suddenly becomes nervous and shaky ]

There’s no obligation whatsoever.. and-and-and no salesman will call.. so-so y-y-y-y-you don’t have to b-b-bo-bother to lock your door, you know-you can-you can leave it off the latch. Or lock it! That’s fine, I don’t care! I don’t care if you lock it, ’cause I have the keys! [ jiggles the keys nervously ] I have the keys right here! I have the key to Room 1, the key to Room 2, the key to Room 3.. [ hits bell, holds newspaper to mouth, and speaks in old lady’s voice again ] Norman! [ resumes normal voice ] Coming, Mother. [ throws newspaper down and runs out door ]

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: Tony Dumont

SNL Transcripts