Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Dick Cavett School of Auto Refinishing and Upholstery

…Dick Cavett

Dick Cavett: [in an office, sits on edge of desk andaddresses camera] Hi, I’m Dick Cavett. You know, for along time I made my living as a broadcaster and TVpersonality. Sure, it was good but now I know wherethe real money is: auto refinishing and upholstery.The big three car makers turn out millions of unitsper year but many don’t have the opera windows andlouvered vinyl roofs that American car buyers aredemanding. That’s where you come in with your diplomafrom any one of the three hundred Dick Cavett-approvedschools of auto refinishing and upholstery. [Dissolvebriefly to a doctored photo of a mechanic working on acar, with Cavett’s head pasted to his body.] With theproper skills and tools, you can make steady cashcustomizing and restyling sedans, vans and coupes madesince 1960. So, enroll now and you’ll receiveabsolutely free my three hundred page booklet MentalEquilibrium and Vinyl Spray Technique.

Don Pardo: That’s the Dick Cavett School of AutoRefinishing and Upholstery, Box 39, Long Island City,New York.

Dick Cavett: Remember — [sings] Opera windows justdon’t have it/Unless they’re made by Cavett — Mmmm.

[dissolve to audience member with SUPER: “Says He “Never Saw” Deep Throat” ]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Looks at Books

…..Chevy Chase
…..Dick Cavett

[ title card ]

[ dissolve to set ]

Chevy Chase: Good evening, and welcome, once again, to “Looks at Books”. Tonight, our guest is Dick “The Stick” Cavett, author of Nebraska Pimp, a look at the secret world of the midwestern man of leisure. Dick, welcome.

Dick Cavett: Uh, thank you, Mr. Chevy, and… and… [ rubbing his pants leg ]

Chevy Chase: It’s gonna be fine.

Dick Cavett: It’s very fine to be here.

Chevy Chase: Maybe we should begin by describing — in layman’s terms — uh, what, uh — well, what exactly is a pimp?

Dick Cavett: Well, uh, Chevy, let me just say that, uh… well, men want females to accept their companionship, and I can provide that. So, therefore, me.

Chevy Chase: Oh! So, then, the Nebraska Pimp in the book is you, and not some other Nebraska Pimp?

Dick Cavett: Uh, yeah. Uh, in fact, there’s only one other pimp in the whole state. Uh, my turf covers the whole eastern half of Nebraska.

Chevy Chase: I guess that would give you a lot of territory, huh?

Dick Cavett: Mmm, about 15,000 square miles, that’s correct.

Chevy Chase: Which, according to your book, you cruise in your pimpmobile, is that correct?

Dick Cavett: That is exactly correct. Yes, I have a ’73 Impala with customized light guards, yes.

Chevy Chase: I see.

Dick Cavett: Mmm-hmm. Now, my base of operations, however, is still my hometown — that’s Grand Allen, Nebraska.

Chevy Chase: Well, now, Dick ,how exactly did you becoma a… pimp?

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s an interesting story. Can I take my hat off a little bit?

Chevy Chase: Please do.

Dick Cavett: It’s very hot in here. – he removes his hat ] It’s a lovely thing here.

Chevy Chase: It’s very nice.

Dick Cavett: I got that at Chateau Pimp, here in New York.

Chevy Chase: Ah, yes!

Dick Cavett: Uh — well. How did I get started? I was sixteen, and I was, uh, you know, “messing around” with my girlfriend, Mary Lou Difanisan, in the back seat of her old De Sota. And, uh, I said, you know, “I have a brilliant idea.” I said to myself, “Why, there’s guys who would pay good money for what I’m doing right now.”

Chevy Chase: [ he chuckles heartily ] Well… you know, Dick, if I were in Grand Allen and wanted to have a good time, uh, where do you think I might go?

Dick Cavett: Well, there’s the bowling alley, and, uh… and, uh…

Chevy Chase: No, no…

Dick Cavett: …there’s that “Billy Jack” movie at the Capitol Theater…

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. I mean, if I wanted to get some… some action.

Dick Cavett: Some “action”?

Chevy Chase: You know — if I wanted to “mess around”.

Dick Cavett: Oh! With Mary Lou? [ he chuckles ]

Chevy Chase: Oh. You mean, you only have one girl?

Dick Cavett: Y-yeeah. But Mary Lou’s pretty, uh… I think they say “far out”. She don’t wear a bra!

[ they both laugh ]

Chevy Chase: Well, w-w-where would I find you to set this up?

Dick Cavett: Well, uh… I work out of Mel’s Mr. Donut. And, uh, you’d have to meet me there, but, uh… you’d have to wait for me to close up, of course.

Chevy Chase: I see.

Dick Cavett: And then, you’d just go out… and I’d drive you to a point just outside of town…

Chevy Chase: This would be, uh, where Mary Lou lives, then?

Dick Cavett: No, not exactly. See, she meets us in her old De Sota, and, uh… you get out of my car, join Mary Lou in the back seat of her car, and then I sit by and I blink the lights in my car if the cops come. [ he laughs ] It’s like that, it’s easy.

Chevy Chase: H-h-h-how much cash would I-I drop for these services, Dick?

Dick Cavett: Well, that depends on whether you want a, you know, a adventure to first, second, or third base — uh, whatever it is.

Chevy Chase: Well, what about… home plate? [ he laughs ]

Dick Cavett: You do that, I’ll bust you right in the mouth! My Mary Lou don’t mess — she just “messes around”, she don’t go to first, second, third — none of that fancy city stuff!

Chevy Chase: Wait, wait, wait! I think I’m beginning to understand. When you say “messing around”… you actually mean… just messing around? I mean, uh — that’s all you mean! I mean, don’t a lot of guys get angry when they find this out?

Dick Cavett: Well, only the ones from out of town.

Chevy Chase: Dick, now I-I-I can’t imagine you make much… you make much money doing this…

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s why I tried to supplement my income by coming on your show and trying to sell that book. [ acknowleding the audience ] And these people have been awful nice — they haven’t laughed at us or anything.

[ the audience laughs at this ]

Chevy Chase: Well, now, Mr. Cavett, uh… if you write as well as you pimp… [ he laughs, losing his thought ]

Dick Cavett: [ equally amused ] If I write as well as I pimp?

Chevy Chase: If you write as well as you pimp… I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot less of you!

Dick Cavett: Thank you, I suppose.

Chevy Chase: Thank you.

Dick Cavett: Well, I’m very happy, and I’m sorry I got upset there earlier.

Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s all right. I love the shoes, too.

Dick Cavett: Well, that’s right there yours.

Chevy Chase: [ to the audience ] Be sure to join us next week, when we take a look at a book about Jewish farmers. Good night.

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve to audience, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Doesn’t Understand Young People Today” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

H & L Brock I

Lowell Brock … John Belushi

[open on Lowell Brock standing behind his chair in his office, reading a folder]

Lowell Brock: Hi, I’m Lowell Brock, for H&L Brock, with more of my seventeen reasons why you should bring your taxes to us, insa- instead of H&R Block. [he sits in the chair]

Reason number one: [SUPER: “REASON #1: WE CHEAT FOR YOU”] we are willing to cheat for you. Take for example, this little item [indicates folder]- reason number two: [SUPER: “REASON #2: BOGUS RECEIPT SERVICE”] our bogus receipt service. [Spreads folder to show various fake receipts]. We can fabricate entire business trips using our collection of all the standard receipt forms used by [points to various receipts] legitimate restaurants, airlines, car rentals, or any expense remotely related to your business. [closes folder]

Why pay costly taxes [removes his glasses] when you don’t have to? [SUPER: “H&L BROCK: THE TAX FRAUD PEOPLE”] Bring your taxes to H&L Brock and don’t you be a chump this year.

[applause and fade]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

H & L Brock II

Lowell Brock…John Belushi

[open on Lowell Brock’s office. Lowell is sitting in his chair, ripping scraps of paper out of a document with the header ‘TAX LAW’. He licks the scraps and puts them on his cheeks before noticing the camera, and quickly removes them].

Lowell Brock: Hi, I’m Lowell Brock, for H&L Brock, with more of my seventeen reasons why you should bring your taxes to us, instead of H&R Brock [Belushi muffs the last part of the line].

Reason number three: [SUPER: “REASON #3: WE PAY OFF IRS OFFICIALS”] we pay off Internal Revenue Service Officials. H&L Brock has been greasing palms in Washington for over 20 years, and all for your benefit. Take, for example, [SUPER: “REASON #4: THE H&L BROCK DEDUCTION”] reason number four: the H&L Brock Deduction. [removes glasses] In 1957, an H&L Brock-owned congressman wrote into law a special $1000 deduction which can be claimed by people who have their taxes prepared by (pause) H&L Brock. You don’t have to be wealthy to use tricky loopholes; bring your taxes to H&L Brock- make the system work for you. [Brock puts the frame of his glasses in his mouth, letting them dangle] [SUPER: “H&L BROCK: THE TAX FRAUD PEOPLE]

[applause and fade]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

H & L Brock III

Lowell Brock…John Belushi

[open on Lowell Brock sitting in his chair in office]

Lowell Brock: Hi, I’m Lowell Brock, for H&L Brock, with more of my seventeen reasons why you should bring your taxes to us, instead of H&R Block.

[SUPER: “REASON #5: WE HAVE CLOSE TIES WITH THE UNDERWORLD”] Reason number five: we have [smile starts to creep across John Belushi’s face as he reads lines, and he struggles to keep in character throughout the rest of the sketch] close ties with the underworld. Say an IRS official decides to audit you. An H&L Brock representative [takes off glasses] will accompany you to the IRS office and personally threaten the official. [SUPER: “REASON #6: EASY LOANS, CHEAP GOODS”] Reason number six: in addition to great breaks on taxes, [folds glasses] H&L Brock, you’ll get cheap stereo equipment, and easy term loans. Oh! Remember- [suppressing laughter] if I don’t worry about a crackdown, you shouldn’t. [scrunches cheeks with his fingers and makes faces]

[Cut to side camera angle where Lorne Michaels is seen crawling away from the chair in which Belushi is seated. Applause; Belushi rises and starts to walk away from the chair but is jerked back as his shoelaces are tied together. Belushi mutters ‘what the fuck’ and ‘goddamn’ as Bob Van Ry helps him out; Lorne rises from the ground on the edge of the set and retrieves his wineglass from the floor. Fade]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Dance to the Nation

Announcer…..Chevy Chase
Betty Ford…..Jane Curtin

[ open on apron of Home Base, with title card on screen, a flautist and pianist on either side ]

Announcer: Time, once again, for “Dance to the Nation”, the dance/advice show starring the First Lady herself. And now, here’s Betty!

[ Betty Ford runs onstage in leotards and waving a silk scarf as she dances ]

Announcer: Our first letter is from a Mrs. Arnold Wilson of South Philadelphia. Mrs. Wilson writes: “Dear Betty: My son, Arnold, Jr., is always tired and can’t seem to do his homework. Also, his room is usually full of different expensive stereo systems and TV sets, he claims he is just “keeping for a friend.” Do you think he’s smoking marijuana, Betty?”

[ Betty stops dancing ]

Betty Ford: Well, I wouldn’t be surprised! Times have changed, you know, and young people have changed with them. [ she does a spin ] Even as we stand still! Leave him alone, and chances are he’ll grow out of it. Now that my son Jack has realized pot isn’t for him, we’re closer than ever. Why, just the other night, I found myself in the White House kitchen at two o’clock in the morning, baking chocolate chip cookies because Jack said he had a case of the “Munchies”! Isn’t that cute!

[ Betty continues her dance ]

Announcer: [ chuckling ] Mrs. Eileen Crosby of Garden City, New Mexico writes: “Dear First Lady Betty: I recently discovered that my daughter’s roommate is a married man, and that the college she has been attending for three years is a school for topless croupiers. What would you do if you were in my shoes, Betty?”

[ Betty stops dancing ]

Betty Ford: Well, I wouldn’t be surprised! And yet, perhaps you have misunderstood the situation. I know I was concerned after calling Susan late at night and not getting any answer. But she explained my fears away when she told me about the long showers she likes to take at three or four in the morning! And now we’re closer than ever!

[ Betty continues her dance ]

Announcer: Our next letter is from a Mrs. Janice Hirsch of New York City. She writes: “Dear Betty: My husband, despite his high office, is an inept man. I have tried for years to pretend otherwise, but now he’s embarrassed me in public once too often. I have to face the facts, Betty, that I am married to a turkey. What would you say if a woman you knew personally were in this situation?”

[ Betty stops dancing and stares blankly]

Announcer: Betty?

[ Betty awkwardly begins dancing once more, still staring blankly ]

Announcer: Betty, the question? Do you care to answer the question, Betty?

Betty Ford: [ glancing offstage ] What’s that, Susan? He’s got his toes stuck in the tub again? Oh, it’s stuck in the sink. I’ll be right there!

Announcer: Betty, what is your answer to the question? Betty?

[ Betty rushes offstage ]

Announcer: Uh… we’ll be back next week for “Dance to the Nation”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Goodnights

…Dick Cavett

[Dick is standing on home base alone]

Dick Cavett: You don’t see acts like that last one on the Family Hour, you’ll admit that. This show is a lot of fun to work- by the way, I want to thank everybody- It will be on next on Valentine’sweekend, that- that Saturday, and if our show was not seen in yourcity tonight, please write, and let us know what you thought of it. [bemused smirk, as if waiting for the audience to get the joke]. Night. [Turns around to walk upstage, starts to take off suit jacketagressively as if annoyed as closing theme begins to play. No creditsroll- all that shows is the Delta Airlines and Brooks Van Horncredits]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Alcohol and Firearms Don’t Mix

Anne…..Jane Curtin
Michael…..Chevy Chase
Duke…..John Belushi
Patty…..Laraine Newman

[FADE IN on Anne talking on the telephone and leaning over an intable.]

Anne: I couldn’t be happier, Margie. He’s too good to be true! He’s, he’s tall, he’s handsome, he’s rich, exciting… Definitely the best thing that’s happened to me since George died. I’m not gonna lose him, either. I’m reading this book called “The Total Woman.” Oh, yeah, he is a bit clumsy, but let’s face it, an old broad like me with two kids can’t be too choosy. Heh. No, no, the kids haven’t met him yet. They will later, though. He’s out duck hunting, he said he’d drop by afterwards. Oh, Marge, I like a man who hunts ducks.

[laughter]

Anne: [grins] Yeah. He said he was coming by because he said he had something very important to say to me. Yeah, I–Marge, I think he may even pop the question.

[doorbell rings]

Anne: [quickly] Oh, wait a minute, that might be him now, I’ll talk to you later, bye.

[She hangs up and turns toward the door.]

Anne: Coming!

[As she rushes to the door, a loud report is heard from offstage. She pauses an instant, then opens the door to reveal Michael in red plaid and khaki hunting gear, a rifle in his hand.]

Anne: [happily] Hi, Michael!

Michael: Hi, Anne, how are ya?

Anne: I just made some martinis just the way you like them!

Michael: Oh, great.

Anne: Did I just hear a shot?

Michael: Yeah, it’s a funny thing. I was walking up the driveway, and my gun kind of went off accidentally, and I shot a rabbit! [laughs] He was digging up your garden.

[Anne peers out through the front door and then turns back while Michael walks in and sits down.]

Anne: Uh… Michael?

Michael: Yeah?

Anne: [dryly] Um, that wasn’t a rabbit… that, that was Skippy, my dog.

[laughter]

Michael: Oh, Anne, I’m terribly sorry, I–

Anne: [rushes to him] No problem, Michael, no problem, he… was getting old anyway.

Michael: You sure?

Anne: My God, in dog age, he was close to seven. [eagerly] Sit down, Michael! [pushes him into easy chair] Ah, I forgot to ask, how did duck hunting go?

Michael: Oh, well, it’s not really duck hunting, it’s, uh, well, it’s kind of deer hunting, even though I didn’t shoot a thing. I am getting better.

[His gun suddenly goes off, and the windowpane in the front door shatters with a jagged hole in the center.]

Michael: [stands up] Oh, Anne, I’m very sorry, uh–

Anne: No problem, these things happen, it was, uh, getting dirty anyway. [smiles]

Michael: I can’t believe, uh–

Anne: Y’know, Michael, I’m reading this book, called “The Total Woman.”

Michael: Yes.

Anne: It really makes a lot of sense. It says that, well, uh… A woman’s man comes first, he… he’s the most important thing in her life.

[The door suddenly jangles and opens as Anne’s son Duke walks in.]

Anne: Oh, hi, Duke, you’re home from school early!

Duke: Yeah, we had half a day.

Anne: Oh!

Michael: Hello, son. [extends his hand] How are you?

Duke: Hi. [shakes Michael’s hand]

Anne: Duke, why don’t you go upstairs and wash up, and then come down, and we’ll all get acquainted.

Duke: Sure. Say, what’s wrong with Skippy? He looks sick.

[laughter]

Anne: No, no, Duke, he’s tired, he’s sleeping.

Duke: Oh, that’s strange. The mailman’s lying in the lawn.

[laughter]

Duke: He must be sleeping too.

[Duke cheerfully heads up the stairs.]

Michael: Bright young boy.

Anne: I don’t like to talk about death in front of the children, it upsets them.

Michael: I can understand–

Anne: They still think my late husband is at the polls. Voting for Lyndon Johnson.

[laughter]

Michael: Y’know, I had no idea you’d been widowed that long?

Anne: [dreamily] Yes, the Lord took George away from me in 1964. It’s been twelve years. Twelve lonely years. But that’s all over now, isn’t it, Michael?

Michael: [pulls her close] Yes, it is, Anne.

Anne: I’m so happy.

[She presses her face passionately against his chest for a moment, then skips over to the foot of the stairs.]

Anne: DUKE?! Duke, come down, I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about!

Duke: Sure.

[Duke obediently clambers downstairs while Michael cleans his rifle off to the side.]

Duke: Hi, Mike.

Michael: Hey, Duke, how ya doin’?

[Just when Duke reaches the landing, Michael points the gun straight at his chest, and a shot rings out. Duke crumples to the living room floor. A chair spins slightly as he lands. Anne and Michael watch in disbelief for moment.]

Michael: [horrified] Oh. Oh, my Lord, I–

[Anne rushes up and stop Michael in mid-stride.]

Anne: [passionately] No problem!

[laughter]

Michael: Anne… that was your son!

Anne: That’s right–it was my son. But we can’t live in the past, now, can we? We must live for today and… tomorrow. Our tomorrow. [slowly pushes him into chair] Right, Michael?

Michael: [sits down with her on his lap] Yeah, I guess so. You’re so understanding, I…

Anne: Well, I try not to be bothered by trivialities, and you should too. I can help you relax. Like it says in the book, “The Total Woman.” There’s an entire chapter on whipped cream.

Voice: [off camera] Mommy, am I crazy, or did I just hear shots?

Michael: [casually] Say, who is that?

[CUT to Patty walking down the stairs in a robe and drying her hair.]

Patty: I was in the shower, I could’ve sworn I–

[Michael lifts up his rifle reflexively and fires another perfect shot.]

Patty: Uhhhhhhh… [drops to the floor]

Anne: [closing her eyes] My late daughter.

Michael: [stands up] Oh. I, I am, now, am very sorry…

Anne: [grabs his arms] No problem, Michael, no problem. Look, Patty was young, but those were nineteen fruitful years.

Michael: Yes, but…

Anne: She even went to Europe last summer!

Michael: Well… [walks away in stunned disbelief]

Anne: Getting back to the book, Michael… you know, it says… It says that a woman should help her man feel less uptight–he should be catered to when he comes home. [pushes him gently down into the easy chair] Don’t you agree?

[Michael sighs and takes her hand.]

Michael: I guess I do, Anne. Listen, um… Well, now that we’re alone, as it were… [glances in Duke’s direction] Well, there’s something I, there’s something I wanted to ask you.

Anne: [with baited breath] Really?

Michael: [nervously] Yeah. Um… I’ve never asked anybody this before, I’m kind of nervous–

Anne: Take your time.

Michael: Anne… will… [sighs] Uhhh. I’m so old-fashioned. Look, look… [stands up] You sit here.

Anne: Okay.

Michael: I guess… I just wanna do it the right way.

[He drops to one knee as she sits in the chair.]

Michael: Look–

[His rifle goes off and shoots Anne point-blank in the right lung. Anne grimaces and glances down.]

Michael: Anne? Anne. Are you all right?

Anne: No problem, just hurry up, what was it that you wanted to ask? [stifles a laugh]

Michael: You sure you’re all right–

Anne: I’m fine, Michael.

Michael: Oh. Um… [snickers] You look nervous too–I’m so nervous, you know. Uh, uh. Y’know, I could really use that martini now, I’ll tell ya.

Anne: Now?

Michael: Yeah, it’d probably help me pop the– well! [gestures awkwardly]

[Anne nods obediently and struggles to rise from her chair, leaning on Michael for support.]

Michael: Y’know, as I was saying, I… well, we’ve known each other for a little while now, Anne, and, uh…

[She lurches toward the intable for his drink and manages to serve it neatly to him.]

Michael: Oooooh, did you think I could have a twist? Just a little drier.

[Anne reaches stiffly for an olive and plops it into his martini.]

Michael: We’ve known each other for, I guess, a few, months–

Anne: Is that okay?

Michael: That’s fine, that’s perfect. No problem.

[Anne finally collapses at his feet. After regarding her for a moment, Michael stands up and sets the rifle back at his hip. CUT to a closeup of Michael with his martini in the other hand.]

Michael: [in a spokeman’s voice] This message has been brought to you by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.

[SUPERIMPOSE “A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE” at the bottom of the screen.]

Michael: Hello. You know… a gun is only as dangerous as the man who uses it. [doffs his hunting cap] Bullets and alcohol don’t mix. [confused] Or is it bullets and tobacco? No, wait… [puts cap back on] If you don’t drink, don’t shoot. [confidently] Don’t smoke while you’re loading your gun!

[Struggling to remember his tagline, he sets the down the gun pointing up at him, and it promptly fires once more.]

Michael: Oh, boy.

[FADE to a slide reading, “Presented by THE PRESIDENT’S COUNCIL FOR CLEAR THINKING.” FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

The Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation

…Dick Cavett

[open on office, Dick is sitting on the desk]

Dick Cavett: [on intercom] Uh, tell them I’ll only be a moment, Miss Carson. [acknowledges camera] Oh, hello, I’m Dick Cavett, and youknow, America has over 104 billion square feet of swamplands andeverglads. Much of it is uncivilized; all of it is wet. That’s whythe trained hydroplane operator has a solid employment future. Today,the best courses in hydroplane and hovercraft operation are beingoffered by the Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation. [dissolvebriefly to doctored photo of a man driving a boat with an older femalepassenger. Dick’s head is crudely pasted onto the boat driver’s head] In three short weeks you will learn all the skills of this excitingfield at our 58 acre training swamp near Beaumont, Texas, or you cankeep your present job and learn at home. Call this toll-free numbernow [“311-555-7878” flashes on screen for a few seconds],311-555-7878, and we’ll send you my informative booklet, The AmericanPresidency and Hovercraft Speed Tuning.

Remember, when you take the stick, take it from Dick.

[applause and laughter: dissolve to audience shot; the camera zooms ona young woman wearing a hat and glasses. SUPER: “NOT WEARING PANTS”].

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Dick Cavett’s Monologue

…Dick Cavett

Dick Cavett: Thank you very much. Thank you. That’svery kind. Thank you. Welcome to Saturday Night. Myname is Candice Bergen … and I think either they’vecut my hair off in my sleep or you have the wrong cuecard up there. That’s it. My name is Dick Cavett.There you are. I tried memorizing that all day and I[snaps his fingers] just couldn’t get it. The rest ofthe show is off the top of our heads. As you know,this is a live show and that’s very exciting, uh, youknow, there really aren’t any shows that are “livelive” any more like this on television. If the camerasgo out, they go out. That’s it. It becomes a liveradio show. And if the cameras AND the mikes go out,we go door-to-door and do the show for you.

I love being in this building at NBC. I had one of theworst frustrations of my life in this building. Freshfrom college, I came here to 30 Rock, went and appliedto be a page at NBC. That was my great ambition. Iwas– College, Nebraska, right to New York. Filled outthe long form and they rejected me. Uh, I really blewit. At the end of the form, where it said, “Do youadvocate the overthrow of the United States governmentby force or violence?” — I chose violence. [delayedapplause] That was it.

I didn’t feel so bad because my dumb cousin Norman wasrejected, too. Uh, he – he’s very dumb. He lostanother job recently. He was director of the St. LouisZoo. And he took down all the cages and tried to runit on the honor system. Hard to believe but there youare.

Uh, if I could be serious for a moment, I had a very,I guess, great honor today. I received a letterinviting me to run for the Democratic presidentialnomination and, uh … [applause] Thank you. Thankyou. Unfortunately, it was a chain letter. … They’regonna have to have a separate convention hall for thecandidates there. It’s absurd.

I, uh, I’m a little disillusioned with politics. I’mthat generation. I – I heard my parents say as a kidalways, “In times of crisis, history will throw up agreat man.” And … in recent years, history’s had atendency to throw up, as you’ve noticed, and leave itat that.

Say, we’re a little annoyed tonight. The cast, if theyseem a little down, it’s the censor. Um, the NBCcensor’s been very liberal but he knocked out oursketch in which two robbers try to hold up a spermbank. Now, I figure, we’re all mature. We know thereare such things as sperm banks, right? Um, there’s onein New York, in fact. They’re very much like a realbank. The only difference is that with a sperm bank,after you make a deposit, you lose interest.[applause] But–

Say, Jimmy Cliff is here. [applause] I’m sorry, incase you’re in for a diappointment, I should say, wethink he will be here. Um, as you know, he makes hishome in Jamaica and, um, there has been a flood in theJamaica-Queens subway tunnel. But– No, he’s here. I’mkidding. Would I say that to you? He’s a– As youknow, he’s one of the world’s great reggae singers.Reggae is a Latin American word meaning “rich.”[nobody laughs, Cavett starts ad-libbing] Um, he’smade an awful lot of money and, uh– I don’t really–Does anyone have any idea what “reggae” means? Hands?Anyone know? Anything at all? Does anyone have aquestion?

Anyway, Jimmy is here and there’s a surprise for melater. I know a little about it. They don’t want me toknow too much about it. And I would like to say oneword– why I wanted to do this show. Often, ontelevision, I’ve been accused of doing things that are… above the intelligence level of the mass audience.And I don’t really buy that. Uh, I kind o’ resentthat. Just because I went to college, you know, theysay you’re an intellectual. As you know, going tocollege doesn’t make you an intellectual. Um…[applause]

I feel that, uh… I feel that humor, like theuniverse, is conditioned by a – a kind of — Well,it’s a byproduct of your own Weltanschauung, I feel,and what it is, really, is a, I think, a randomlysequentialized system of only partially overlappingsynergistics and energy events that are, really,irreducibly unanalyzable. And an example, to me, ofover-intellectualized humor would be, for example,Laroche Foucault’s famous remark with which he brokeup the French Academy when he said, uh, when he said:[Cavett rattles off something in French] Now, to me,that’s a bomb! See, you didn’t laugh. I don’t thinkit’s funny. And I’m gonna confess to you that my realsense of humor is a little lower-brow than that. WhatI think is funny– I loved it when, well, like SpikeJones or somebody when they’d shoot a gun off and adead duck would come down or something like that.[pulls a pistol from his belt] This is my idea ofwhat’s really funny. Watch this.

[Cavett unconvincingly fires the pistol into the airand a life-sized, stuffed canvas cow crashes down fromthe rafters onto the stage behind him. Laughter andapplause.]

It’s the old cow-dropping bit. It just kills me. We’llbe right back after this message. Stay with us.

[Cavett basks in the applause as a superimposed textreads: COMING UP NEXT… TOP MAFIA LEADERS REVEAL THEDO’S AND DON’TS OF LARGE LUNCHEONS.]

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SNL Transcripts