Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Exit Polling

Pollster…..Kristen Wiig
Voter…..Daniel Radcliffe

[ open on exterior, polling precinct ]

[ SUPER: “Concord, New Hampshire” ]

Pollster: [ as voters leave ] Thank you so much. [ a new voter walks up ] Oh, hi there! Hi! Do you mind if I ask you some exit poll questions?

Voter: Uh… no. No, that’s fine.

Pollster: Great! Thank you. Um… who did you vote for?

Voter: I voted for Mitt Romney.

Pollster: Annnnd who did you vote for in 2008?

Voter: John McCain.

Pollster: Okay. You’re doing great, by the way! [ she laughs ] Uh… do you consider yourself a moderate Republican, a conservative Republican, a Tea Partier, a crazy Whackadoodle, or a Democrat voting sarcastically?

Voter: Uh… I guess, a moderate Republican.

Pollster: Great. Uh, when you voted, were you like, “I love this guy!” or were you like, “He’ll do,” or like, “I don’t know who ANY of these people are!”?

Voter: Uhhhh, I guess… “He’ll do.”

Pollster: Okay…

Voter: Uh… am I done?

Pollster: No. [ she writes his response down ] “He’ll… do…”

Voter: Am I done now?

Pollster: Okay, sorry. Um… Are you male or female? I’m sorry — it’s on here, I have to ask.

Voter: Male.

Pollster: [ she glances at him ] Oh. [ she laughs ] I’m glad I asked! Okay… Which best describes your ethnicity? Are you White? [ with a hip-hop accent ] Are you Black? [ bouncing her head ] Hee-spanic? [ high-pitched ] Asian? [ mechanically ] Or are you a Robot?

Voter: Uh… uh… White.

Pollster: Okay. And to what age group do you belong: 18 to 24 —

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: Sorry, I have to read them all. [ she laughs ] Uhhh… 18 to 24…? [ she stares at him for a moment ]

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: I’m sorry. I have to read them all. “18 to 24… [ she stares at him for another moment ] or 25 to 150.”

Voter: 18 to 24.

Pollster: Okay. Single or married?

Voter: Single.

Pollster: Oh! Great. Uh… gay or straight?

Voter: Uh, straight.

Pollster: Okay. Uh, Jewish?

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: You’re perfect! Would you ever consider going out with my friend Diane Finkelstein?

Voter: No.

Pollster: You know what? It’s probably for the best. Because you’re on the smaller side, and she’s so fat.

Voter: Are we done?

Pollster: Um, almost… almost. Oh, this is a good one: “You walk in your bedroom and turn on the lights — standing buck-naked in the middle of the room is Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, or Newt Gingrich. Which one of these options bums you out the most?

Voter: Wow. Uh… that’s tough… Ron Paul. No! Newt Gingrich. No… Ron Paul.

Pollster: Remember — buck-naked.

Voter: [ he sighs ] No… Newt Gingrich.

Pollster: [ whispering ] You got that one right! [ continuing ] Uh… can you sleep on planes?

Voter: Yes!

Pollster: I can’t! [ continuing ] Do you like my new laugh? [ she laughs heartily ]

Voter: Uhhh… yeah. It’s fine.

Pollster: ‘Cause this is my old laugh: [ she laughs with a choked stifle ]

Voter: Uhhh… the new one. That is better.

Pollster: Um… Thanks! Okay. Uh… do you think I could pull off bangs?

Voter: Uh… I don’t know. What would that look like?

Pollster: I’ll hold this up. [ she puts her clipboard atop her to create the illusion of bangs ]

Voter: Uhhhh… Yeah. Sure.

Pollster: What about over one eye? [ she tilts her clipboard ]

Voter: Uhhh… sure.

Pollster: [ she moves the clipboard back ] Do you have a preference as to which?

Voter: Uhhhh… I-I-I don’t really have a preference…

Pollster: [ whining ] Ple-e-e-e-e-ease!!

Voter: Uh — bangs! Bangs!

Pollster: Ohhhkay… he knows what he wants! You would be PERFECT for Diane.

Voter: Uh — no!

Pollster: Yeah. Again, probably for the best. She’s so fat. She’s so fat.

Voter: No! This is no lnoger about politics!

Pollster: Okay, um — that’s okay. Um — Which candidate quality matters most to how you voted: Has a vision for the future? Honest and trustworthy? Stands up for what he believes in?

Voter: Uh… a vision for the future.

Pollster: Alright, uh, follow-up: What do you consider the most likely vision for the future: Monkeys still in cages? Monkeys in charge? Or no more monkeys?

Voter: Uh… monkeys in cages?

Pollster: Oky. A follow-up to the follow-up: “Have you seen the new “Planet of the Apes”?

Voter: I have not.

Pollster: Okay. Follow-up, follow-up, follow-up: “Would you be into this: I bring the “Planet of the Apes” DVD to your house… you open a bottle of wine… we forget about Fat Diane, and see what happens?”

Voter: No! Absolutely not!

Pollster: Perfect. Final question: “WHERE DO YOU GET OFF?!!”

Voter: Goodbye! [ he rushes off ]

Pollster: I’m switching you to GAY!! ROBOT!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Hogwarts Academy

Minerva…..Kristen Wiig
Student…..Nasim Pedrad
Harry Potter…..Daniel Radcliffe
Ron Weasley…..Taran Killam
Hermione Granger…..Abby Elliott
Draco Malfoy…..Paul Brittain
Hagrid…..Bobby Moynihan
Luna Lovegood…..Vanessa Bayer
Professor Snape…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Hogwart’s Castle, 2020 ]

[ dissolve to cast interior, as Minerva leads a group of students in ]

Minerva: Okay, girls, gather round. This is Gryffindor House, where you shall study, socialize, and sign up for extracurriculars.

Student: Wow! It’s beautiful!

Minerva: Many of Hogwart’s greatest alums have graced these halls — some of them have become legends.

[ Harry Potter peeks in from a back hall ]

Harry Potter: Hello! did somebody say “legend”?

Student: Harry Potter!

Harry Potter: That’s right! The boy who lived! In the flesh! Uh — congratulations to all of you for being accepted to Hogwart’s. These are going to be the BEST days of your lives. [ sadly ] Honestly. The best. It does not get better.

Student: But what are you doing here?

Harry Potter: Oh, I thought I’d apperate in for the weekend, welcome the newbies. It feels like just yesterday I was here!

Minerva: You WERE here yesterday! And the day before! Which is odd, considering you graduated ten years ago!

Harry Potter: [ laughing ] Ha! Yes! So… is He Who Must Not Be Named giving you any trouble?

Student: Voldemort? No, he’s dead.

Harry Potter: [ ecstatic ] Oh! That’s right! I killed him! Remember that! Yeah! That was great! [ ge high-fives the students ] Let’s all celebrate! Yuo love it, kids! Yeah! Just eliminated all evil all over the world. You’re welcome. I did that when I was 18. And just yesterday — this is equally as exciting — I bought a Volvo. Let’s celebrate! Who’s thirsty? [ he pulls out a can of beer from his jacket ]

Minerva: Mr. Potter, you know very well we do not allow alcohol on these premises!

Harry Potter: Don’t worry… it’s just butter beer. [ he leans closer to the student ] Is it? [ he smiles ]

[ Ron and Hermione enter ]

Ron Weasley: Harry?

Hermione Granger: Harry James Potter! You’re back — again.

Harry Potter: Ron! Hermoine! how are you!

Hermione Granger: Well, we’re teachers now, remember?

Ron Weasley: Yeah, we work here… so it’s not weird.

Harry Potter: Oh! The gang’s all back together! [ he hugs them ]

Ron Weasley: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… Harry, I thought you were out of town, mate.

Harry Potter: Well, yeah, I’ll be out. I’ll be touring, I’ll do shows, I’ll do magic, making things disappear. You know, one thing I can’t make disappear — my MORTGAGE! [ he laughs uproariously, then leans closer to the student ] You know what I’m talking about!

Student: I don’t!

[ Malfoy enters ]

Draco Malfoy: Well, well, well! Harry Potter!

Harry Potter: Malfoy. Still hanging around, lurking. You can’t keep living in the past, mate. [ to the student ] I was a varsity seeker first year. Doesn’t happen often. [ he turns back to Malfoy ] So, uh — what do you want, Malfoy?

Draco Malfoy: Oh, uh… just wanted to say Hello. My wife and I are dropping off our daughter for orientation. Amd she said she saw you outside playing Quiddich — alone. And making cheering noises. Was that you?

Harry Potter: [ laughing nervously ] No. Yes. But, you know… I’m still having fun, though. Not boring and married, like you!

[ Hagrid stumbles in ]

Hagrid: He’s not the only one, Harry, my boy.

Harry Potter: [ alarmed ] Hagrid?! You, too?!

Hagrid: Yep. Tied the knot! I married Luna Lovegood here.

Luna Lovegood: He’s huuuge!

Hagrid: Yep! Yep! The lonely janitor in the trenchcoat who lives just off campus, found love with a student. Who would have guessed?

Harry Potter: Well, uh, that’s brilliant! I’m so glad to hear we’re all doing great!

Professor Snape: Not everyone!

[ reveal Professor Snape in his portrait ]

Harry Potter: Professor Snape. Still watching me from the beyond.

Professor Snape: [ sternly ] Hello, Potter!

Harry Potter: I used to think this bloke was a dark lord. It turns out he was looking after me the whole time! Oops!

Professor Snape: “Oops”? Really? Harry, you turned out magnificently. Definitely worth sacrificing my life!

Harry Potter: [ to Hagrid ] Is he being sarcastic, or not? [ Hagrid shrugs ]

Ron Weasley: Alright, Harry… we’ve gotta get back to work, mate.

Hermione Granger: Good to see you, Harry.

[ everyone starts to walk away ]

Harry Potter: Well, hold on! Who wants to re-enact the fight I had with Voldemort on the bridge? [ to the student ] Spoiler alert: I win!

Student: Yay!

[ the new students run into the hall ]

Harry Potter: Yeah! Go on, you kids! Yes! Off you go! I’ll be right behind you! [ he sighs ] I’ve still got it.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Romney: Believe in America

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Becky…..Abby Elliott

[ CAMPAIGN GRAPHIC – ROMNEY: BELIEVE IN AMERICA ]

Mitt Romney (V/O): I’m Mitt Romney and I approved this message

INT. JIM BOB’S DINER – DAY

[ Former Massachusetts Governor MITT ROMNEY, in a Carhart jacket and unbuttoned shirt, is seated at a table. ]

Mitt Romney: Hello… hello, I’m Mitt Romney and I’m speaking to you today from Jim Bob’s Diner; a really fantastic diner outside Aiken, South Carolina. As I’ve said, it’s a really fantastic place. It really is. I enjoy it very much. It’s super.

I’m down here to bring my Presidential campaign down to the people here of this great state. They definitely connect with me on a human level and don’t find me weird at all. Say, did everyone see that Broncos-Steelers game last Sunday? Wasn’t that something?

And how about that Tim Tebow? He was slinging the pigskin down the field. You know, I’ll bet you dollars to donuts the Broncos give my beloved Patriots a run for their money on the gridiron tomorrow. I’ll be watching that game along with my five human sons and my expectation is that I will enjoy it very, very much!

[ Governor Romney glances off-camera. ]

What’s that?

[ A beat ]

It’s being played tonight?

[ A beat ]

That’s wonderful news! The fact is our whole family loves to watch sporting events on the television on the weekend. So normal are we! It sure beats doing chores at home. That’s for sure! Of course, I’m kidding… we got people for that.

A few days ago, we had another great result in New Hampshire. Of course, we enjoyed that very much as well. Unfortunately, that victory was clouded by a bit of a kerfuffle of a remark I made the day before. I was speaking to a crowd about the importance of being able to choose YOUR own insurance company and simply put, when the service provider isn’t doing the job, you have to make a change — adding, you ought to fire people.

I think the audience understood what I was saying. It’s like when you’re raking leaves out in the yard and your t-shirt is a little clammy. You go inside and FIRE IT. Replacing with a dry t-shirt or no t-shirt at all. It’s like that…

Of course, my opponents immediately pounced on that remark and tried to relate it to my work at Bain Capital. At Bain, we specialized in acquiring failing companies. Sometimes, this did involve individuals being “fired”. That is, in the sense, losing their jobs. That is the exception, not the rule.

[ A young, teenage waitress, BECKY, enters. ]

Becky: Hi!

Mitt Romney: Oh, hello there! I’m Mitt Romney!

Becky: I’m Becky.

Mitt Romney: Becky — I’m really enjoying MEETING YOU! How old are you? No, wait! Let me guess… 31.

Becky: I’m 19.

Mitt Romney: Close enough!

Becky: What can I get you?

Mitt Romney: I’d like two eggs!

Becky: How do you want them?

Mitt Romney: Laid off!

Becky: Laid off?

Mitt Romney: Yeah, you know, laid off.

Becky: You mean, over easy?

Mitt Romney: Bingo! Say, what does that come with?

Becky: Bacon.

Mitt Romney: No, bacon. Let’s throw the bacon “out-of-work.” Can I replace it with sausage?

Becky: Sure.

Mitt Romney: Okay. Can I replace the bacon with sausage but pay half the price for the sausage I would’ve paid for the bacon?

Becky: It’s the same amount.

Mitt Romney: Thought I’d ask…

Becky: It also comes with toast.

Mitt Romney: I don’t care for toast. I’d like to see the toast lose its job — without notice, if possible. Can I have an English muffin instead?

Becky: Okay.

Mitt Romney: Good. Can the English muffin be hired on a temporary basis? Meaning that if I’m not hungry enough to eat it, I don’t have to pay.

Becky: Sure. Coffee?

Mitt Romney: No. No, coffee. I’d like orange juice. Is it freshly strangled?

Becky: You mean, fresh squeezed?

Mitt Romney: Yes, fresh squeezed… as you call it…

Becky: Anything else?

Mitt Romney: I’M. FINE. BECKY.

[ Becky departs. ]

Mitt Romney: She’s a nice girl. I’d like to be able to fire her. Well, I think you’ve enjoyed this time we’ve spent together and I think you’ll agree that I’ve come across as genuine and warm.

Thank you, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 4th, 2012

Channing Tatum

Bon Iver

None

None

None

Newt Gingrich: Moon PresidentSummary: In the year 2014, Newt Gingrich (Bobby Moynihan) leads a colony on the moon after President Barack Obama’s second term in office leads to the destruction of the planet Earth.

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney.

Transcript

Montage

Channing Tatum’s MonologueSummary: Former male stripper Channing Tatum recognizes various former customers in the audience and tries to reconnect with them, despite their embarrassment at being recognized.

Transcript

It’s Getting Freaky with Cee Lo Green!Summary: Cee Lo Green (Kenan Thompson), Matthew McConaughey (Channing Tatum) and Col. Nasty (Bill Hader) help a couple (Nasim Pedrad, Vanessa Bayer) put the freaky back into their lesbian relationship.

Recurring Characters: Cee Lo Green, Colonel Nasty, The Atlanta Horns, Matthew McConaughey.

Downton AbbeySummary: The acclaimed PBS series is mashed-up as a moronic reality series now airing on Spike.

Transcript

Super Bowl PromoSummary: Al Michaels (Jason Sudeikis), Cris Collinsworth (Bill Hader), Dan Patrick (Channing Tatum), Tony Dungy (Jay Pharoah), and Rodney Harrison (Kenan Thompson) perform multiple takes of their Super Bowl promo so they can avoid looking stiff.

Recurring Characters: Dan Patrick, Cris Collinsworth, Al Michaels.

Transcript

Secret WordSummary: Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) once again reveals word clues while acting overtheatrical, while astronaut (Channing Tatum) suffers flashbacks of alien anal probing during game play.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

Bon Iver performs “Holocene”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Guy Fieri (Bobby Moynihan) displays weird snack ideas related to the Super Bowl match between the Giants and the Patriots. Lana Del Ray (Kristen Wiig) playfully defends herself from the recent backlash of her poorly-received “SNL” musical stint.

Recurring Characters: Guy Fieri.

Bat MitzvahSummary: To celebrate her Bat Mitzvah, Rebecca (Nasim Pedrad) performs a raunchy dance with adult friend Caden (Channing Tatum) that was not fully-choreographed by her Mom (Kristen Wiig).

Ruby TuesdaySummary: The night before the Super Bowl, Tom Brady (Channing Tatum) succumbs to boisterous Janet Peckinpah’s (Bobby Moynihan) repeated requests to throw one in her while at a Ruby Tuesday in Indianapolis, and it ends up costing him the big game.

Go-Techs FlexSummary: (Channing Tatum) and (Kristen Wiig) make a non-specific pitch for a Rube Goldbergesque exercise device that most likely won’t live up to their overexaggerated hype.

Bon Iver performs “Beth/Rest”

Bongo’s Clown RoomSummary: MC Tommy (Jason Sudeikis) deejays a bachlorette party on his new final night at Bongo’s, since he’ll soon be going on the lam from the IRS.

Recurring Characters: MC Tommy.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

VerizonSummary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can’t comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Zooey Deschanel.

Union AwardsSummary: Members of a Teamsters’ Union are honored during an awards ceremony.

UFC FightSummary: The competition between two UFG fighters (Taran Killam, Channing Tatum) is continuously interrupted by a rude guy *Andy Samberg) in the audience.

Business MeetingSummary: While holding a business meeting, an employee (Channing Tatum) uses Macarena dance moves to get his ideas across.

Step Up to the SequelsSummary: A slew of upcoming sequels to the “Step Up” film franchise.

Recurring Characters: Meryl Streep.

70’s AlbumSummary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) pokes around the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

70’s Album IISummary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) burns his hand in the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

70’s Album IIISummary: After burning his hand in the fire, a weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) is no longer in the mood to have company over.

Photo ShootSummary: Two gay men (Channing Tatum, Taran Killam) experience misunderstandings and argue during their photo shoot.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 13

11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver

Downton Abbey

written by: Seth Meyers and John Mulaney

Announcer…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Spike logo ]

Announcer: This February, Spike has the shows you want to see. Like death extravaganza “1000 Ways To Die”, tattoo competition “Ink Master”, and Thursdays at 10 p.m., it’s “Downton Abbey”. [ record scratches ] What’s “Downton Abbey”?

[ cut to program footage of the abbey exterior ]

Announcer: Basically… it’s about a bunch of honkeys that live in a church. Or maybe it’s a museum. Either way, they don’t got wi-fi!

[ show different characters reading handwritten letters ]

Announcer: In fact, they only find stuff out through letters. “Dear olden times: You’re boring! Love: Everyone.” Niiiice!

[ reveal characters one by one ]

Announcer: There’s a MILF and a dad. And they’ve got three daughters named “Hot”, “WAY Hot”, annnnd “The Other One”. And they all hang out with this old lady that looks like a chicken. We hated her at first… but then we got high, and she made us CRACK up!

Dowager Countess: “One can’t go to pieces at the death of every foreigner.”

Announcer: Ha ha! I don’t know what that means, but I’ll bet it fuckin’ BURNS!

[ reveal basement footage ]

Announcer: There’s also a whole bunch of tuxedo people who live in the basement — and their lives SUCK! Get this: They always have to stand up at the same time. Their names are: “Nice Guy”, “Mean Guy”, “Mouse Girl”, and “Super Bitch”.

[ show clips of Butler ]

Announcer: This guy is either bummed… or pouring wine through a napkin.

[ show clips of another servant ]

Announcer: And this guy can’t get anything right. [ he pours soup ] That’s not how you pour soup!

[ cut to footage of characters listening at doors ]

Announcer: Like eavesdropping? Then, this show is for you. Any time anyonr says anything, a third person hears it in the doorway. [ montage of eavesdroppers ] Heard that! Definitely heard that! And watch what you say, ’cause the dowager is listening! [ Dowager Countess appears ] Ohhhhh, she SO heard that! You pissed off the chicken lady! [ clucking sound effects ]

[ an old-fashioned car pulls up ]

Announcer: And there’s plenty of old-fashioned cars to laugh at! Ha ha ha! nice car! What’s your other car, a bike? [ reveal man walking bicycle ] Ha ha! It IS a bike!

[ cut to Spike logo ]

Announcer: So check out Spike TV and their new series “Downtown Abbey”. I mean, “Downton Abbey”. Ah, we’ll just call it “Fancy Entourage”.

[ cut to Dowager countess with clucking sound effect ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 13

11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver

Goodnights

…..Channing Tatum

Channing Tatum: A big thanks to Bon Iver! The cast, the crew, Lorne, the band! Happy Birthday, Mama! What’s up, Dad! Jen, I love you! What’s going on! Whoo!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 13

11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver

Channing Tatum’s Monologue

…..Channing Tatum
Big Ronnie…..Kenan Thompson
Denise…..Kristen Wiig
Bridget…..Vanessa Bayer
Husband…..Taran Killam
Lesley…..Fred Armisen
Doctor…..Andy Samberg

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Channing Tatum!

Channing Tatum: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I still can’t believe that I am here. It is such an honor to be on this stage, especially considering my first job in show business was as a male stripper. [ the female audience members shriek ] That may sound like a joke, but… it’s true: I really was a stripper for a year before I became an actor.

So, real quick… the ground rules for tonight ARE:

1. No touching. I can touch you; you can’t touch me. [ the female audience members whoo ]

2. Tips are appreciated. The only reason I’m hosting this show is to put myself through nursing school.

3. For my safety, Big Ronnie here will be with me all night long.

[ Big Ronnie steps out and gives the stinkeye toward the audience ]

Big Ronnie: You okay, Channing?

Channing Tatum: I’m alright, Ronnie. Thank you very much.

Big Ronnie: Alright. [ pointing toward the audience ] I’m watching you! [ he steps away ]

Channing Tatum: But you know what? Look — I’m not ashamed of my past. I loved stripping. I loved my customers. [ women in the audience whoo some more, as he looks toward them ] Wait… in fact… Denise?! Is that you?!

[ cut to Denise, who frowns at the recognition ]

Denise: [ laughing ] Wha-a-a-at? No!

Channing Tatum: Denise, come on! It’s ME! Chan! I used to give you a lap dance, like, once a week.

Denise: [ chuckling embarrassedly ] No! I think you have me confused with someone else! I don’t go to strip clubs. I sit home and I pray.

Channing Tatum: Hmm… well, I guess I was wrong. Anyways… this has been such an exciting — [ he glances into the audience again ] Okay! Okay, now definitely — I know YOU! Bridget!

[ cut to an embarrassed Bridget sitting with her husband ]

Bridget: Uh… uh, no! No, you don’t! Uh — I mean, my name is Bridget, but I’m… I’m just a stranger, and I’m here with my husband! [ she signals Tatum to let it go, as her husband waves ]

Channing Tatum: Nope! It’s YOU! It’s definitely you. We used to call you “Filthy Bridget” because of all the filthy things you’d ask for…

Husband: [ irked ] Excuse me, sir! My wife is not filthy! [ proudly ] I’ll have you know we haven’t had sex in TEN years!

[ Bridget secretly winks at Tatum ]

Channing Tatum: My mistake. Uh… wait! Oh, my God… Is that Lesley? Lesley Burns?!

[ cut to Lesley, a man, wide-eyed and confused ]

Lesley: What’s that? I’m sorry?

Channing Tatum: Lesley! Thank you so much for coming, man! [ to the audience ] Guys! Guys! Lesley was my absolute BEST customer! I mean, he came in every night, and most days…

Lesley: [ shaking his head ] No. That’s not me.

Channing Tatum: Oh… come on. What, are you telling me you don’t remember this?

[ the band pulls out something nice and slow, as Tatum begins to do a slow grind on stage ]

Lesley: [ uncomfortable ] No, uh… no, it doesn’t ring a bell…

Channing Tatum: No? What about this?

[ Tatum turns to one side and lets his butt and abs shake in rhythm with each other ]

Lesley: [ wiping the sweat from his forehead and cheeks ] Not sure yet, but, uh… you should keep trying.

Channing Tatum: Oh, yeah? Well… what about this? [ he shimmies, then rips his shirt off ] What about NOW, Lesley?! What about now?

[ cut to Lesley passed out in his seat as a doctor examines him ]

Doctor: This man is dead! He died happy.

Channing Tatum: Dr. Matthews?

Doctor: Uhhhhh… no! [ he makes a gagging sound and pulls himself away by his own collar ]

Channing Tatum: We have a great show for you tonight! Bon Iver is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 13

11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver

Newt Gingrich: Moon President

Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Callista Gingrich…..Kristen Wiig
Reagatron 3000…..Bill Hader
Little Girl…..Nasim Pedrad
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Guards…..Taran Killam, Jay Pharoah
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: [ over scroll ] The year 2014 is a time of turmoil for America. Comfortably serving his second term, President Barack Obama no longer hides his socialist agenda.

The unemployment rate skyrockets and foreign armies gather their forces for an attack.

Chaos reigns. But from the darkness, a visionary emerges and leads a group of pioneers to pursue a better future in space. He is…”

[ graphic flies forward ]

“Newt Gingrich: Moon President”.

[ dissolve to Moon Gingrich staring at the Earth from his space station on the moon ]

[ SUPER: “Moon 2014” ]

Newt Gingrich: Callista! Callista, come see how pretty the Earth looks.

Callista Gingrich: Oh, Newt… you need to forget about the Earth. You have the people of the Moon colony to lead now.

Newt Gingrich: Oh, you’re right… you’re right. Where’s my trusted robot advisor — the Reagatron 3000?

[ a robot designed in Ronald Reagan’s likeness enters ]

Reagatron 3000: Reagatron 3000, at your service.

Newt Gingrich: And what is on today’s Moon agenda?

Reagatron 3000: Well… the little girl who won the… Miss Moon Pageant is here for a photo.

Newt Gingrich: Oh! Wonderful! Send her in!

Little Girl: [ running in ] Hello, Moon President Newt Gingrich!

Newt Gingrich: And what do you do, little girl?

Little Girl: I go to school!

Newt Gingrich: And when you’re not at school?

Little Girl: I work as a janitor at the school — per your moon decree!

Newt Gingrich: You know, on Earth they thought the idea of student janitors was crazy. I guess that‘s why they didn’t want me to be their president.

Little Girl: The people of South Carolina wanted you to be president!

Newt Gingrich: Not all of America is as forward-thinking as South Carolina,

[ they lean closer and smile for a camera ]

Little Girl: A good Moon to you!

Newt Gingrich: And may divorce be with you.

[ the little girl rushes off, as Herman Cain saunters in ]

Herman Cain: Mr. Moon President?

Newt Gingrich: Vice-Admiral Herman Cain!

[ they share a secret handshake ]

Together: Blast-off!!

Herman Cain: Yeah, the latest shuttle of refugees from Earth arrived, and we found a stowaway!

Newt Gingrich: A stowaway?

Herman Cain: [ signals guards to bring the stowaway in ] Yeah. At first we thought it was a woman, but… [ he rips the stowaway’s wig off to reveal: ]

Newt Gingrich: Mitt Romney!

Mitt Romney: Yes! Yes, it’s me!

Newt Gingrich: Vice-Admiral Cain, leave me and Mr. Romney alone.

Herman Cain: Very well. I shall return to “inspecting craters”, if you know what I mean. [ he chuckles heartily ]

Newt Gingrich: Very well.

Herman Cain: Do you know what I mean?

Newt Gingrich: I do.

Herman Cain: I mean, not like moon crater craters…

Newt Gingrich: Vice-Admiral!!

Herman Cain: Alright!

[ Herman Cain rushes out ]

Newt Gingrich: It’s a surprise to see you here, Mitt. As I recall, you found the idea of a moon colony silly back in 2012.

Mitt Romney: Ohhhh, Newt, we were all wrong! Ever since you left Earth, it’s been a nightmare! Please forgive me, and let me work in your ad-moon-istration.

Newt Gingrich: I’m just supposed to believe that you’ve just completely changed your position?

Mitt Romney: Well, it wouldn’t be the first time!

[ they share the laugh ]

Reagatron 3000: [ edging in ] Are you my robot father?

Mitt Romney: Ah, don’t be silly! I’m not a robot, I’m a human man.

Reagatron 3000: Liar!

[ the Reagatron 3000 moves away, as Herman Cain rushes back in ]

Herman Cain: Sir! We received a communication from Earth that Iran and North Korea have launched nuclear weapons! And just as you so wisely predicted that they would! Also — when I said “craters” earlier, I meant “ladies butts”!

Mitt Romney: [ getting it ] Ohhhhh!

Callista Gingrich: [ pointing ] Oh, no! Look!

[ they all watch as the Earth suddenly explodes into two halves, the upper half still hanging in space as the lower half drops from the solar system ]

Mitt Romney: Now what?

Newt Gingrich: There’s no reason we can’t start a newer, better civilization here on the Moon!

Reagatron 3000: There is one problem, Mr. Moon President: Of the 13,000 colonists, only 200 are men.

Newt Gingrich: Curses! That ratio is no good!

Herman Cain: Yeah, ’cause, see, the most I can handle is about 5, maybe 6, at a time. Yeah… more than that, Herman gets in trouble!

Callista Gingrich: There is one solution?

Newt Gingrich: What is it, Callista?

Callista Gingrich: What if we stay married, but you had sex with other women?

Newt Gingrich: [ intrigued ] An open marriage? What man would ever ask for such a thing?

Callista Gingrich: Why not? [ close-up aside ] It’s a perfectly reasonable request for a man to ask of his wife!

Newt Gingrich: Thank you. And so it shall be! The Moon is our future, and it has EVERYTHING we need! Humanity is saved, and I shall lead them! [ close-up aside ] I’m Newt Gingrich, and I approved this crazy-ass fantasy! [ he winks ] And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 13

11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver

Super Bowl Promo

Director…..Bobby Moynihan
Al Michaels…..Jason Sudeikis
Cris Collinsworth…..Bill Hader
Dan Patrick…..Channing Tatum
Tony Dungy…..Jay Pharoah
Rodney Harrison…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on Director standing on set with Al Michaels, Cris Collinsworth, Dan Patrick, Tony Dungy, and Rodney Harrison ]

Director: Alright, looks like we’ve got the whole NBC football crew here — Al, Chris, Dan, Tony, and Rodney. Great to work with you guys.

The Guys: Good to be here! We’re very excited!

Director: Okay, this is just gonna be a QUICK promo that we’re gonna run on the bottom of the screen during NBC shows. You guys just act natural… and when you hear the NBC Football sting, just look up and smile.

The Guys: Alright! We got it! No problem!

Director: Alright! Well, here we go. Let’s just stack it together, guys. [ they all move closer to one another ] Alright. Annnnddd… acting casual, annnnndddd…

[ NBC Football sting pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]

The Guys: That felt good! That felt good! Alright! Great!

Director: Okay. Alright. Well, that felt a little stiff. You know what, why don’t we get some conversation going? Uh, we’re not recording sound, so no one will hear what you’re saying… so just tslk about anything!

The Guys: Oh! Alright! Okay! Okay!

Dan Patrick: Man, I know they’re gonna run this promo all day.

Al Michaels: Absolutely!

Dan Patrick: TV… Internet… everywhere.

Tony Dungy: I LOVE the Internet! I saw the FUNNIEST thing on Youtube! It was this talking dog…

Rodney Harrison: Man, I LOVE Youtube! I just look up “How to breastfeed” all day, and I can watch it all day!

[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]

Guys: Alright! Yeah, there you go!

Director: Pretty good. Pretty good. We’re getting there. Let’s, uh, let’s just try it again!

[ the guys loosen themselves up ]

Al Michaels: Mmm-hmm.

Cris Collinsworth: Uh, good year for Eli Manning, huh?

Al Michaels: Yeah! Nice to have a little brother for once, huh?

Rodney Harrison: My little brother was always catching flak!

Dan Patrick: You know, I’m a younger brother. It’s tough, man.

Al Michaels: Ohhhhh.

Tony Dungy: Hey! My little brother was born with no mouth!

Al Michaels: Mmm — well, that must be hard.

Tony Dungy: Yeah… he doesn’t like to talk about it!

[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]

Guys: Alright!

Director: Great! That was great. You know what, though? Let’s just play around a little bit, huh? Get loose! Here’s a football! Just throw it around, have some fun!

Al Michaels: Alright! Here we go! Heads up! [ he tooses the football to Dan Patrick ]

Rodney Harrison: Hey, man, I wish I was STILL out there, man!

Cris Collinsworth: The action, the fans…

Dan Patrick: I’ll tell you what I miss — getting slapped on the ass by a 300-pound man.

[ the guys all laugh ]

[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]

Guys: Alright! Alright! Very good!

Director: Guys… you are NAILING this! Okay? Why don’t we just do a few in a row, just for good measure!

Al Michaels: Alright! Sounds great!

Cris Collinsworth: You know… last week, I found a hair this long growing out of the middle of my forehead!

Al Michaels: Really?

Cris Collinsworth: I pulled on it, and it was like my belly button got deeper!

[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]

Guys: Nice! Alright! Alright!

Al Michaels: You know, one of my balls never came down! [ the guys groan ] Yeah! It’s still up in my body!

[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]

[ clapping his hands ] Okay! We’ve got it! That was fantastic! I think we’re done.

[ the guys are somewhat disappointed that the shoot’s over ]

Rodney Harrison: You know what? let’s get some DRINKS up in here! [ he grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels ] Y’all need a glass?

[ Rodney chugs from the bottle, as the screen cuts to snow, then comes up on Brian Williams delivering the evening news ]

Brian Williams: We’re back with a controversial question tonight: Can you be diagnosed with grief? And, more than that, should you be given a pill for it?

[ NBC Football sting finally pots up, as the promo rises from the bottom right corner of the screen, the guys look up stiffly and smirk-grin into the camera as the “NFL On NBC Super Bowl XLVI” logo zooms in ]

[ fade, as Williams continues to deliver the news ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


February 11th, 2012

Zooey Deschanel

Karmin

None

Jean Dujardin

Nicolas Cage

None

Romney: Believe in AmericaSummary: From his home, Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) discusses his recent dip in the primaries and how it’s all part of his plan to secure the Republican nomination for President by not peaking too soon.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.

Transcript

Montage

Zooey Deschanel’s MonologueSummary: Dressed for romance, Zooey Deschanel brings out her ukelele and sings “You Forgot it Was Valentine’s Day”.

Transcript

Clint Eastwood Chrysler AdSummary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) is sidetracked from promoting Chrylser to clear up the media’s confusion as to the real intent of his message.

Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.

Transcript

Piers Morgan TonightSummary: Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) leads a discussion on MIA’s (Nasim Pedrad) controversial middle-finger salute while performing at the Super Bowl with Madonna (Kristen Wiig) and LMFAO (Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Madonna.

Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad IISummary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) chastises America for not being as hard-working as China, then promotes Little Caesars Pizza.

Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.

Transcript

Les Jeunes de ParisSummary: Francois (Taran Killam) competes with (Jean Dujardin) for (Zooey Deschanel) in a black-and-white spoof of “The Artist”.

Recurring Characters: Francois.

Daily PostSummary: Rapid-fire dialogue of newspaper editor (Jason Sudeikis) and former reporter (Kristen Wiig) flies over the normal-paced head of the new girl in the office (Zooey Deschanel).

Transcript

Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad IIISummary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) is annoyed that Mexico is taking over America, then promotes the new Trojan vibrating massager and “The Dark Knight Rises”.

Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.

Transcript

Karmin performs “Brokenhearted”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad) comments on recent women’s events in the news. “In the Cage”, Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) has created a clone (Nicolas Cage) of himself to help him realize his dream of appearing in every movie ever made.

Recurring Characters: Arianna Huffington, Nicolas Cage.

Transcript

Bein’ Quirky with Zooey DeschanelSummary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Kate Olsen (Zooey Deschanel), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Bjork (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Michael Cera, Bjork.

Note: This sketch previously aired during the Dress Rehearsal from the episode hosted by Katy Perry.

Transcript

VerizonSummary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can’t comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).

Note: This ad parody previously aired during the Dress Rehearsal from the episode hosted by Katy Perry.

Transcript

Crab Blast 2012Summary: Jolene (Kristen Wiig) and Wendy (Zooey Deschanel) promise the world’s tastiest crabs to their friends, but somehow forget to provide the much-lauded crabs.

Karmin performs “I Told You So”

We’re Gonna Make Technology HumpSummary: Tech geeks Danielle (Zooey Deschanel) and Jacob (Andy Samberg) present videos of digital goods humping one another.

Recurring Characters: Jacob.

Victorian LadiesSummary: Victorian-era spinsters (Kristen Wiig, Zooey Deschanel) exchange handwritten correspondence regarding their ill-fated romances with creepy men who linger at their windows.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Memorial for GeorgeSummary: Mourner (Abby Elliott) sings a song in honor of the recently-deceased George.

Parenting ClassSummary: New parents learn the dos and don’ts of raising a new baby.

SNL Transcripts