Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22


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10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Nicolas Cage…..Andy Samberg
…..Bradley Cooper
Stefon…..Bill Hader

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening. I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Sources are saying that Saif al-Adel, a former Egyptian Special Forces operative, has been appointed the “caretaker” of Al Qaeda in the wake of Bin Laden’s death. Al-Adel was chosen because of his military background, his youth and because he was the last one to shout “Not it!”

President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu met Friday at the White House, one day after Obama called for Israel to return to its 1967 borders. It’s hard to know what was said at the meeting, but I’m betting on heavy use of the word “meshuganah”.

Despite announcing that he would not for President, Donald Trump insisted, Monday, that if he had stayed in the race he would have won the primary and the general election. Pretty bold, when you consider the fact that he’s not even winning his time slot.

Seth Meyers: It was revealed this week that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his long-time housekeeper. That brings us to a segment we like to call “Really!?!” with Seth.

[ show title card ]

Seth Meyers: Really, Arnold Schwarzenegger? You had an affair with the maid, in your house? You know, when powerful people have affairs, they usually put a little effort into it. I mean, really! Secret rendezvous. High priced call girl. What did you do? Just sit in your recliner and point at your weiner whenever someone walked by? Really?

Did you really think it was a good idea for your mistress to work in your home for fourteen years after the affair? Right in front of your wife? That’s so risky! I’m not even married and I erase my Internet history every four hours. Just in case I die and my mom comes over. Really!

I have to say, you have giant balls for a guy who definitely has tiny steroid balls. Really! And then it was revealed on Wednesday that the child you fathered with the housekeeper was born just days after Maria Shriver gave birth to your other son. Two kids in a week! So wait, every time I saw you smoking a cigar, were you just celebrating another baby? You’re like Oprah, but with babies. [ imitating Schwarzenegger ] “You get a baby! And you get a baby! Everybody gets a baby!”

Also, I couldn’t help but notice every one of your movies makes a perfect New York Post headline for this story: “Junior”, “Twins”, “True Lies”, “Predator”, “Judgment Day”, “Collateral Damage”, and “Raw Deal”. Thank God you passed on the action-comedy “Governor Horn Dog”.

And you brought the maid on vacation with your family. Really?! That’s a little suspicious, isn’t it? Hotels already have maids. That’s like bringing weed to Amsterdam. Really!

But Arnold, really, this is the important part: If this baby is the future leader of the resistance against our robot overlords, let us know. We won’t forgive you, but it WILL help your case. Really!

[ show title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?!” with Seth.

Seth Meyers: It was reported that the Walt Disney Company has officially bought the trademark to the name “Seal Team 6”, the name of the unit that killed Osama Bin Laden. So get ready for a very disturbing sequel to “Up”. [ aside ] You don’t want to see that? I don’t want to see that movie.

The winner of the Miss Madison beauty pageant was forced to give up her crown this week, after she was arrested for identity theft. You know, I’m starting to think the best way to win a beauty pageant is to come in second and just wait.

A man in Wisconsin, on Tuesday, ate his 25-thousandth Big Mac on the 39th anniversary of eating his first one. Then afterwards, he ate a piece of broccoli and died.

Seth Meyers: And now it’s time for “Get in the Cage!”, a segment where actor Nicolas Cage sits down with fellow thespians to discuss the craft of their recent work. Please welcome Nicolas Cage and Bradley Cooper!

Bradley Cooper: Wow! Thank you SO much for having me, Nick! I am, uh, REALLY excited to get in the Cage!

Nicolas Cage: Oh, that’s very kind of you, Bradley. Now, let’s begin with a question about your new movie, “The Hangover: Part 2”.

Bradley Cooper: Yep. Shoot!

Nicolas Cage: In it, you play a gentleman who has a wild, drunken night in Bangkok, and then must face the grim repercussions.

Bradley Cooper: That is correct.

Nicolas Cage: So my question is: HOW AM I NOT IN THAT MOVIE?!!”

Bradley Cooper: Uh, what do you mean?

Nicolas Cage: Well, it has the TWO classic elements of a Nic Cage film! 1. I’m told the actors were given FOOD! 2. It’s basically a shot-for-shot recreation of my life! I AM the Human Hangover!

Bradley Cooper: Uh — look, Nic. I’m sorry you weren’t in “The Hangover: Part 2”. Maybe you were too busy. I mean, you’re in EVERY movie. You’re like a dangerous Eugene Levy.

Nicolas Cage: [ absorbs this compliment ] That’s high praise! Look, you seem nice, Cooper-Scooper! But, nevertheless, you lack the key ingredient to being a true film icon: Nomadic eyebrows, that have long since traveled from their home. The forehead village they grew up in was a safe haven! When ADVENTURE came calling! And like the gladiators of yore, they rode across the crescent moon that is my hairline! And THAT… is the audacity of hope.

Bradley Cooper: I think I’m ready to get out of the Cage.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, that I would do.

Nicolas Cage: There’s only ONE way out of the Cage! A fight to the death! TWO men enter! TWO men leave!

Bradley Cooper: I think it’s one man enters.

Nicolas Cage: Yeah, math was never my strong suit! And NOW, in the words of my fellow actor and life coach Mel Gibson… “Prepare to die from human bites!”

Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Oh, I’m sorry. Mel Gibson is your life coach?

Nicolas Cage: Yes!

Seth Meyers: Who’s your accountant?

Nicolas Cage: Wesley Snipes.

Seth Meyers: Okay, yeah.

Nicolas Cage: It’s a long story!!

Seth Meyers: Wrap it up!

Nicolas Cage: Fine by me, Seth! For now it is time for me to ride off to my NEXT adventure!

Bradley Cooper: Oh! What’s that?

[ camera zooms on Cage ]

Nicolas Cage: I’m gonna kill the ghost of Osama bin Laden!

Seth Meyers: Nic Cage and Bradley Cooper, everyone!

On Tuesday, the Pillow Fight World Cup was held in Brooklyn, New York. And that’s what you want — people in the Kingdom of Bedbugs shaking their linens out in the open. What a nightmare!

A growing trend among expectant parents is to have the sex of their baby revealed through “baby cakes,” which contain either blue or pink icing inside, rather than having a doctor tell them. And what could be more American than saying, “Yeah, yeah, doctor. I’ll believe it when I hear it from a dessert. Thank you, though.”

A new trend on the Internet is photos of people “planking”, which is the act of lying face down, keeping one’s body stiff while balancing on top of something. Or what protestants call “sex”.

A woman in Pennsylvania was arrested after she allegedly fed marijuana-laced margarine to a 12-year-old girl she was babysitting. Marijuana-laced margarine? “I can’t believe it’s Pot Butter!”

Seth Meyers: Tonight is the season finale, so I just want to say to everyone out there: THank you for watching, and have a wonderful summer! [ he looks off-screen ] You ready to go, Stefon?

[ Stefon appears in front of the news desk ]

Stefon: Yes!

[ Seth grabs his bag and steps around the news desk to join Stefon ]

Seth Meyers: Where are we going again, Buddy?

Stefon: It’s that thing… of when a beach is covered in jellyfish, and a sunburned old man braids your hair.

Seth Meyers: So… can my girlfriend come?

Stefon: No.

[ “Casablanca”-style music pots up ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… I think this is the beginning… of a beautiful nightmare.

[ Stefon nods hsppily ]

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

[ Seth and Stefon walk off with a sly wink to the audience ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

WXPD News

Jack Rizzoli……Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez……Nasim Pedrad
Herb Welch……Bill Hader
Dan McDonald……Justin Timberlake
Ken Yi……..Fred Armisen
Heckler…..Andy Samberg

[ open on news logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ dissolve to studio anchor ]

Jack Rizzoli: Good morning, everyone, I’m Jack Rizzoli.

Wanda Ramirez: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.

Jack Rizzoli: Our top story today: a junior high school in Long Island has been evacuated after a dangerous carbon monoxide leak. Veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene, who this week celebrated his 70th year with the network. Hello, Herb.

[The 90-something year old Herb is seen, thick glasses and all, standing in front of a school. As always, he stands slouched talking very close to the microphone.]

Herb Welch: Hello, Jack.

Jack Rizzoli: Now, Herb, walk us through what’s happening at that school. Have all the students been evacuated?

Herb Welch: I’ve, uh….got a guy. This is teacher Dan McCarty.

Dan McDonald: It’s McDonald, actually. Dan McDonald.

Herb Welch: ….It’s the same thing. Alright, alright, what happened.

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: Well…..[Herb starts to move the microphone around as Dan moves around trying to talk into it]…we were told about the leak this morning, so I gathered the children and had them evacuate the school.

Herb Welch: Wh-wh-what kind of teacher?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: Uh….I’m an art….art teacher.

Herb Welch: Like with the macaroni and the…..[Herb breathes heavily taking his time in between words]….and the yarn?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: Uh….I teach drawing actually.

Herb Welch: There you have it: like it or not, the folk scene is here to stay. Back to you, Jack.

Jack Rizzoli: No, no, no, Herb, hold on a sec.

Herb Welch: What?

Jack Rizzoli: Stay there a minute, okay? Does Dan know what caused the leak?

Herb Welch: What?

Jack Rizzoli: [laughing a little bit] Does Dan know what caused the leak?

Herb Welch: I don’t know what caused it, I just got here.

Jack Rizzoli: I know you don’t, Herb. I know you don’t. Ask him “do you know what caused the leak?”

Herb Welch: Hey! Don’t write my copy, you lifeguard! [Herb turns back to Dan, but first has to hide his face from laughing.] What leaked?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: The boilers in the school have been a problem for a long time…..[Herb continues to move the microphone, now lowering it closer and closer to the ground]…and I, for one, am appalled!

[Herb brings the microphone back up.]

Herb Welch: Hey –

Dan McDonald: The school –

[Herb is now smacking Dan in the face with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: The school –

Herb Welch: Hey, I got a question for ya. [He smacks Dan again with the microphone.] Do you think, uh….do you think Lucille Ball is a…..a Pinko?

[Herb smacks Dan again with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: I’m…I’m sorry, did you say Lucille Ball?

[Jack interrupts.]

Jack Rizzoli: Yeah, Herb, exactly. Stay on point please.

Herb Welch: Name names, come on.

[As Herb goes to hit Dan with the microphone once again, Dan rips it out of his hands. Herb brings up his back-up microphone with his other hand and smacks Dan.]

Wanda Ramirez: Herb, does Dan think school officials were aware of the problem?

[Herb looks annoyed.]

Herb Welch: Ugghhh…[to Dan] so, you see the fights last night? [Herb hits Dan with the microphone.]

Jack Rizzoli: Come on, Herb. Herb, Wanda asked you a question.

Herb Welch: Yeah, well she can go back to her kitchen.

Jack Rizzoli: Herb….Herb, answer her.

Herb Welch: I’m not taking my set-ups from a hat-check girl!

Dan McDonald: Excuse me, can we talk about the students, please? They were put in real danger by our principal. That….that man, right over there! [He points at Principal Ken Yi standing off to the side.]

Ken Yi: Excuse me, that is absolutely not true!

Herb Welch: And that’s the news! Stay tuned for “Playhouse 90” with Lee Jacobs! Thank you!

Jack Rizzoli: [annoyed] No, no, Herb turn around and talk to that principal! Come on!

Herb Welch: [annoyed] Suck an egg, you manequin.

[Herb shuffles over to Ken, and is also motioning for Ken to move closer to him. A car passes by and a heckler yells out the window.]

Heckler: You suck, Herb Welch!

Herb Welch: [pointing at the car] Thank you!

[Herb must now hide his face away because of laughter.]

Herb Welch: [to Ken Yi] Alright….uh….now who are you?

Ken Yi: Hi, I’m the principal here. My name is Ken Yi.

Herb Welch: [having a flashback to the war] Oh, Banzai, huh? Remember me?! [He begins to hit Ken with the microphone in an attacking fashion. Dan comes over and pulls him away.]

Jack Rizzoli: No! Herb! No, no, no, no! Herb! Come on! The war is over, Herb!

Herb Welch: What? What happened? What did I do?

Jack Rizzoli: You blew the story, that’s what you did.

[Dan takes the microphone from Herb as he restrains him. Herb is still trying to kick Ken.]

Dan McDonald: I’m sorry, Jack? Maybe you should be a little more patient with Herb. He may be old, but that just means….[Herb is flailing about. He pushes the microphone into Dan’s face.]….[to Herb] stop moving….just means that his soul is wise.

Herb Welch: Jack? If Shep Kramer knew about the way you anchor, he’d turn over in his grave.

Jack Rizzoli: No, he wouldn’t, Herb, because Shep Kramer was cremated.

Herb Welch: They burned my friend!

Jack Rizzoli: Okay, come on! Herb, come on, pull it together, buddy.

Herb Welch: You son of a bitch! [He runs towards the camera and starts hitting it with his microphone.]

Jack Rizzoli: Okay, just cut away. Can we cut away for a minute please? Oh man. As always, we apologize to you in the Asian and female communities. Up next, we’ll talk to Long Island officials…

[Jack is handed a piece of paper and reads it.]

Jack Rizzoli: Oh, but first, some very sad news. I’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Here is seen on assignment in 1963. [A black and white photograph is shown of Lee Harvey Oswald being assassinated while being interviewed by Herb.] Mr. Welch had been in bad health. We…we go now to the scene. Gentleman, what happened.

[Herb is sitting on a bench holding a microphone. His eyes and mouth are wide open, and he has apparently stopped breathing.]

Ken Yi: The guy started to cough and then he turned pale and he wasn’t breathing…

Herb Welch: Sulplise! (Said in a Japanese accent) [He gets up, lunges towards Ken, and begins hitting him with the microphone, as Dan tries to break it up.]

Jack Rizzoli: Cut away! Cut away! Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, it appears that Mr. Welch is still alive and as unprofessional as ever.

[Jack is suddenly hit in the face with a microphone. Herb apparently made a quick trip to the studio.]

Jack Rizzoli: HOW IS THAT?! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

[The WXPD New York logo is shown once again.]

[Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: 2010-2011

Starring:

Fred Armisen

Abby Elliott

Bill Hader

Seth Meyers

Bobby Moynihan

Andy Samberg

Jason Sudeikis

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

Featuring:

Vanessa Bayer

Paul Brittain

Taran Killam

Nasim Pedrad

Jay Pharoah

Writers:

Doug Abeles

James Anderson

Alex Baze

Heather Anne Campbell

Jessica Conrad

Jim Downey

Tom Flanigan

Shelly Gossman

Steve Higgins

Colin Jost

Erik Kenward

Rob Klein

Jonathan Krisel

Seth Meyers

Lorne Michaels

John Mulaney

Christine Nangle

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Paula Pell

Simon Rich

Marika Sawyer

Akiva Schaffer

John Solomon

Kent Sublette

Bryan Tucker

Episodes

09/25/10: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

10/02/10: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

10/09/10: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

10/23/10: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

10/30/10: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

11/13/10: Scarlett Johansson / Arcade Fire

11/20/10: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

12/04/10: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

12/11/10: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

12/18/10: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

01/08/11: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

01/15/11: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

01/29/11: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

02/05/11: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

02/12/11: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

03/05/11: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

03/12/11: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J

04/02/11: Elton John

04/09/11: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

05/07/11: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

05/14/11: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

05/21/11: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

SummaryIt would be a reasonable argument to suggest that “SNL” became too comfortable generating high ratings through obvious gimmick tactics (the additional mid-week mini-shows which siphoned the quality of the regularly-scheduled shows, or the shameless Facebook campaign on Betty White’s behalf which ultimately revolved more on SNL’s past female cast members than the longtime TV veteran herself). Thankfully, other missteps seemed to have been addressed: Kristen Wiig, who was being overexposed as though the lone female performer in a cast of men, was used more sparingily; Jenny Slate, who immediately alienated viewers by dropping the F-bomb on her first show and made no impact aside from a single recurring character with little growth potential, was let go. However, the most prominent change, which arguably gave the new season a slight edge over the previous one, was the hiring of four new featured performers, the largest group of newcomers on SNL since Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and Wiig burst on the scene five years earlier. Which is not to say that these new kids — Vanessa Bayer, Taran Killam, Jay Pharoah and Paul Brittain — made quite the same splash as the now-seasoned veterans, but there were moments throughout the season where it felt like they were really trying to make the show their own, providing some of the freshest sketches seen on the show over the last couple of years.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16


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10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
The Devil…..Jason Sudeikis
Anthony Crispino…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

[ sternly, to image of Charlie Sheen ] No! Not yet! I will get to you! But other things happened this week, and I’m gonna talk about them first! Be patient!

Embattled Libyan leader Moammar Khadaffi appeared on a Serbian TV station this past weekend and denied there was any revolt in his country, saying, “There are no incidents at the moment and Libya is completely quiet. There is nothing unusual.” Adding, “Aside, as always, from my face and my outfits.”

In honor of the role that social media played in overthrowing Hosni Mubarak, a man in Egypt has named his daughter “Facebook” — ’cause he sure wasn’t going to name her “Zuckerberg.”

Republican Newt Gingrich, on Thursday, announced that he is forming an exploratory committee for a possible presidential run in 2012. The central question: Are voters still going by charisma, or have they switched over to head size?

[ to image of Charlie Sheen ] Okay. You’ve been patient. Now I’m gonna tell a bunch of jokes about you.

In an interview Monday, Charlie Sheen claims he quit drugs on his own saying, “I closed my eyes and made it so with the power of my mind.” I don’t know. I find it hard to believe that a guy who’s done that much coke was able to close his eyes.

The suspension of Charlie Sheen’s sitcom, “Two and a Half Men”, and Sheen’s subsequent bizarre television and radio appearances have dominated the news this week. And, with a story that big, there are bound to be some “Winners and Losers.”

[ “Winners/Losers” graphic ]

First up, Winner: Denise Richards. She walked out of a bad movie nice and early, and the rest of us are still sitting here watching it. Denise Richards is like someone who sold her house in 2007.

Winner: Angus T. Jones. Not only does this guy get a break from the world’s worst role model, he gets to wrap up puberty off-camera. No one should have to make the difficult transition from half-man to man in the public eye. I myself was a cute kid, and I look normal now, but everything in between was just knobby joints and patchy body hair.

Also, winner: 80’s slang. I would have thought the only way to hear “gnarly” and “bitchin’” so much would be via a time machine. I guess this proves the theory that when you do cocaine, your slang freezes in time like a prehistoric mosquito in amber. “What do you mean there’s new slang? How did I not hear it?” You haven’t stopped talking for 25 years!

Loser: The news media. Everyone got their perspective a little skewed. Piers Morgan talked to Sheen the way a guy who just ran out of coke talks to a guy who still has some. “Well you seem fine to me!” Even Al-Jazeera started their broadcast with “Libya is on the brink of a civil war, but first — Wild Times at Sober Valley Lodge.”

Winner: Parents of porn stars who aren’t living with Charlie Sheen. Finally some good news for the neighbors. “Hey, is your daughter the one who’s living with -—?” “No, she’s not.” “You must be very proud.” “I am!”

Also loser: Tigers. Tigers must be wondering: “Why is he dragging us into this? We’re FULL of tiger blood and we don’t behave like that.” We’re noble jungle cats, and if we want gazelles we have to chase them down and catch them. We don’t call a service and have two of them show up at our hotel rooms.”

And the biggest loser: Winning. Doesn’t seem to mean the same thing anymore.

Announcer: [ over “Winners/Losers” graphic ] This has been… “Winners and Losers.”

Fashion designer John Galliano, who was fired by Christian Dior this week for making anti-Semitic remarks, denied the charges against him, saying he was provoked when “an individual tried to hit him with a chair.” And if you’ve ever been threatened with a chair, you know the occasional “I love Hitler” just slips out.

A member of the Brigham Young University basketball team has been suspended for the rest of the season for violating the school’s honor code by having premarital sex. The player says he feels terrible, but he has a pretty good idea on how he’s going to cheer himself up.

Seth Meyers: The Supreme Court, earlier this week, issued a landmark First Amendment ruling. It upheld the right of the Westboro Baptist Church to protest at military funerals. Here to comment: The Devil.

The Devil: [ catcalls, then laughs ] Yeah! Great to be here, Seth! Thank you for having me!

Seth Meyers: Uhhh — sure thing, “The Devil”! How are you?

The Devil: Ah, I’m busy as HOME, man! Busy as home!

Seth Meyers: [ confused ] You’re “busy as home”?

The Devil: Yeah — Busy as HELL, Seth! Hell’s my home!

Seth Meyers: Okay…

The Devil: Try to keep up, buddy! [ he laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Okay. So, what have you been up to?

The Devil: Ohhh, boy! What have I been up to? Well, let’s just see, uh… I just wrapped up Awards season. Yeah, you know, I wrote Ricky Gervais some jokes for the Golden Globes — that was fun. Uhhh, I produced the Oscars this year — they went perfectly. Uhhh — oh! And the McRib came back! So, you’re welcome, arteries! Uh — but I always have time for you, Seth!

Seth Meyers: Oh. Well… thank you. So, what do you think about the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at military funerals?

The Devil: Well, I HATE it! I-I-I mean, no way, man! Those people are… AWFUL!

Seth Meyers: So, wait — the Devil doesn’t support the Westboro Baptist Church. That surprises me, because what they’re doing is pure evil.

The Devil: Oh, exactly! And I LOVE evil! I mean, I’m the physical incarnation of pure evil! But, come on! What they’re doing is HEINOUS! And I’m DOWN with heineous. I mean, look at me — who wear red with red? [ he laughs ] You know, not that I can’t pull it off, obviously. But, I mean they hold up these signs that say “God Hates Gay People.” Ugh! What?! At a military funeral? Please! First of all, God doesn’t hate gay people, okay? God doesn’t hate anyone — that’s his whle THING! God doesn’t even hate ME!! I mean, he’s disappointed, you know what I mean? But he doesn’t HATE me. If anything, I hate gay people! Okay? I mean, I’ve spent years and years working to destroy urban neighborhoods through drugs, violence and poverty, and then these gays SWOOP in — right? — they clean everything up, and suddenly there’s cupcake shops and candle stores everywhere! I mean — and, you know what? They’re SO nice, too! Ugh! I tell ya, I HATE ’em — but I can’t stay mad at ’em!

Seth Meyers: So, if you don’t mind my asking — since these protests are so awful, can I assume they’re going to Hell?

The Devil: [ gushing ] Oh, you KNOW it, buddy! Whoo, you know it! And I cannot wait, oh man! I know EXACTLY what I’m gonna do — I’ve been planning this thing for years, okay? I’m gonna dress up, first off, dress up like God — you know, with the long beard and the white robe and the Enya CD playing in the background? You know, the whole nine, okay? Then, when they show up, I’m gonna be, like, “Ohhhhhh, thank you guys SO much for all your funeral protesting! You guys SO get me!” And then, just when they start hugging and high-fiving each other, BOOM!! I rip off the costume and I say, “You just got DAMN’D!!” [ he laughs and flourishes ]

Seth Meyers: Nice! That’s good. So, what’s next for The Devil?

The Devil: Uhhh — well, you know, it’s a big Saturday night in New York City, so, uh, let’s see — I’ve got a married secretary in Murray Hill about to not go home with a bartender, so… I gotta put a Pass on that. Um, let’s see — you know, I’m just gonna oversee some stuff in the Meat Packing District tonight… and then, you know, back to the West Coast to help with the next season of “Entourage”.

Seth Meyers: Oh. Well, that’s great! Thanks for stopping by! The Devil, everyone!

The Devil: Alright!

Seth Meyers: Police in Toronto raided a pizza restaurant and found more than one million dollars in marijuana and other drugs. I’m not a cop, but if you want to find even more marijuana… deliver the pizzas.

It was reported this week that Los Angeles County health officials discovered the bacteria that causes Legionnaires’ disease at the Playboy Mansion. [ sarcastically ] Oh, did they find a weird old-timey disease at that bastion of health and cleanliness? The home of the world’s oldest man and his stripper collection, its grounds crawling with weird zoo animals that you know aren’t being looked after by any kind of a zookeeper? Just a bunch of sick peacocks and gimpy llamas running around, using the badminton court as a toilet while a 19-year-old runaway in a bikini Googles what you’re supposed do when a spider monkey has a cough? And they just found Legionnaire’s disease? Keep looking, county health officials, that’s probably just the tip of the petri dish!

A new stomach pacemaker device has been developed that sends electrical signals to the stomach and brain to make a person feel full and help them lose weight. “Hey, Bill, why don’t you take the stairs once in a while?” “Nah, better put a robot inside me! I think that would be easier, just a robot!” “No salad?” “Noooo, robot!”

Seth Meyers: Well, there’s a lot of news in the news this week. But here with the news he hears secondhand, is Secondhand News correspondent Anthony Crispino.

Anthony Crispino: Hey! Seth! How you doin’, man? It’s great to be BACK! Huh? [ points ] Hey, I like that tie! It’s a… Costco, right?

Seth Meyers: No. It’s not from Costco.

Anthony Crispino: Could’ve fooled me!

Seth Meyers: Oh, man…

Anthony Crispino: Alright.

Seth Meyers: So, Anthony, what have you heard, news-wise?

Anthony Crispino: Well, uh, first of all, uh — [ he glances past Seth’s shoulder, then behind his own, as Seth follows with amused bewilderment ] Did you hear about this, the Oscars, Seth?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Anthony Crispino: Best Picture… went to “Larry King’s Speech”. Yep! And, uh, Melissa Leo — she dropped the H-bomb!

Seth Meyers: Incorrect.

Anthony Crispino: Yeah! It’s true! Heard a lot of people. And, uh, Natalie Portman… won Best Actress. But you know who wasn’t too happy about it? Arkansas governor Huckleberry Hound. Yeah! You see, he was MAD because she made a baby out of dreadlocks. [ he glances around ]

Seth Meyers: No. No. He was mad because she had a baby out of wedlock.

Anthony Crispino: Uhhhh — either way, man, I loved her in her Oscar movie “Black Tron”, starring Todd Bridges.

Seth Meyers: No…

Anthony Crispino: [ he smacls the desktop ] GOOD MOVIE!! I love that guy!

Seth Meyers: Who told you that?

Anthony Crispino: Who told me that? My NEPHEW — Disaster Greg!

Seth Meyers: Well… I believe Disaster Greg was misinformed.

Anthony Crispino: No! No, no, no, Seth — he was mis…FORMED! That’s why he’s such a disaster! See, his eyes are where his ears are supposed to be — he’s a WEIRD looking dude, Seth!

Seth Meyers: Let’s just — let’s just move on.

Anthony Crispino: [ raising his hands in surrender ] Okay! Okay! So, uh — [ he glances past Seth’s shoulder, then past his own ] You hear about this, uh — [ he glances further past Seth’s shoulder, then past his own ] You hear about this situation in North Africa? There’s this wizard over there, causing all sorts of trouble — Gandolphi!

Seth Meyers: No! He’s not a wizard, and his name’s Gaddaffi.

Anthony Crispino: [ high-pitched ] I’m pretty sure —

Seth Meyers: No!

Anthony Crispino: [ high-pitched ] I’m pretty sure it’s —

Seth Meyers: No!

Anthony Crispino: [ high-pitched ] I’m pretty sure it’s Gandolphi, Seth!

Seth Meyers: No! It’s definitely not!

Anthony Crispino: [ higher-pitched ] I’m pretty sure!

Seth Meyers: IT’S NOT!! No matter HOW high your voice gets!

Anthony Crispino: I coouldn’t hear that one, it ewas too high! But, you see, Seth, apparently this Gandolphi, he’s a real ladies man! You know? Because he calls himself, you know, The President of Labia! It’s true! It’s true!

Seth Meyers: I’m not even gonna touch that one.

Anthony Crispino: Oh, you’re not gonna touch labia, Seth? [ throws his hands up in surrender ] Okay! Okay! Alright! [ he glances past his shoulder, as Seth follws his gaze, then he glances inside his jacket ]

Seth Meyers: What about the big news story this week? Did you hear anything about Charlie Sheen?

Anthony Crispino: [ seriously ] No. What? What happened? Is he okay?

Seth Meyers: Oh, come on!

Anthony Crispino: Was he in the news? What happened?

Seth Meyers: You didn’t hear ANYTHING about Charlie Sheen?!

Anthony Crispino: No, no — I haven’t even heard of the guy.

Seth Meyers: Oh, come on!

Anthony Crispino: But, hey! Did you hear about this TV star whose show got cancelled because he went crazy and did a bunch of cocaine?! This Charlie Rose?

Seth Meyers: NO!! That was Charlie Sheen!

Anthony Crispino: Nah, I’m pretty sure it was Charlie Rose, Seth! They cancelled his show — “Two Men, a Girl, and Half a Pizza Place”! And now — NOW! — he’s been sending out messages via Twizzlers.

Seth Meyers: NO!!

Anthony Crispino: Yeah! Yeah, he sent out like a MILLION Twizzlers! There’s candy everywhere!

Seth Meyers: Who told you that?!

Anthony Crispino: Who told me that? Oh, it was this AWESOME guy named Charlie Sheen.

Seth Meyers: Alright, that’s enough! Anythony Crispino, everybody!

Anthony Crispino: I like that tie, Seth!

[ he glances around maniacally before wheeling his chair offscreen ]

Seth Meyers: A new parking garage has opened in Manhattan that is completely automated and has no parking attendants. So, everybody — come bring your cars to New York’s first lawless rob-and-murder cave!

Apple CEO Steve Jobs, on Wednesday, unveiled the new iPad 2, which will have two cameras and be thinner and faster than the cuurent one. You know what Apple’s really good at? Making you feel bad about your Christmas present. We all just got the last one. I feel like Steve Jobs is the kind of guy who would introduce you to a hot girl the day after your wedding: “Hey, Jobs, I’m married! But… what are her features?”

This week, a school in Michigan held its 6th annual Mom Prom, in which women are encouraged to wear old prom dresses or bridesmaid dresses for a charity dance. Just a side note: when I said the phrase “Mom Prom”, my penis went up inside me.

Heidi, the famous cross-eyed opossum in Germany, almost successfully picked all the top winners at the Oscars this year. But she incorrectly chose “127 Hours” to win for Best Picture. In Heidi’s defense, she’s an animal who doesn’t know what words are.

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Duh! Winning! with Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen…. Bill Hader
Christina Aguilera….Abby Elliott
John Galiano….Taran Killam
Muammar Gaddafi….Fred Armisen
Lindsay Lohan….Miley Cyrus

Announcer: Up next, on every channel website, it’s the new talk show Duh! Winning! with Charlie Sheen.

Christina Aguilera: [sings] Now it’s time for Duh! Winning! with Charlie Sheeeeeeeeen!

[Show’s logo. “Duh! Winning with Charlie Sheen”]

[Charlie sits on his talk show smoking and looking like hell]

Charlie Sheen: Hello. And welcome to Duh! Winning!. The show for people who are tired of apologizing for their bitching, gnarly rockstar lives and ready to celebrate being highly evolved warlocks. Say hello to my band leader miss Christina Aguilera.

Christina Aguilera: Hey, Charlie.

Charlie Sheen: Winning! Hey, what’s new with you goddess?

Christina Aguilera: Things are pretty…[sings] Ro–oo–oouuuuugh! I botched the National Anthem, I fell down at the Grammys and this week I got arrested for–[sings] public intoxicaaaa–tioooo–ooon!

Charlie Sheen: You know what you really got arrested for? Public intoxi–winning! I mean look at you. You’re like my ideal woman. You’re blond, you make terrible decisions. You know. You’re blond.

Christina Aguilera: Thanks Charlie.

Charlie Sheen: Let’s meet our first guest. He’s a gnarly, gnarlington who speaks his mind. A radical, radical dude. Fashion designer, John Galiano.

Christina Aguilera: [sings] John Galianoooooooo! Winning!

[John comes out dressed like a gay pirate. Sits next to Charlie]

John Galiano: Hi there.

Charlie Sheen: John Galiano, bitching rock star, great guy. How many points you put up on the scoreboard this week, what? Like a million?

John Galiano: More like zero. I had a bad week, Charlie.

Charlie Sheen: Pleeeease.

John Galiano: Seriously. I was caught saying “I love Hitler”. But it was taken completely out of context. I wasn’t praising Hitler the person, I was praising Hitler’s political views. It’s so terrible I was fired by Christian Dior.

Charlie Sheen: So what? I lost my job too and now I can do whatever I want, you know, I can do “Major League 3″, ” Hot Shots Part Cuatro”. I’m really excited by this, “Platoon 2: Electric Platoonaloo”.

John Galiano: You’re so positive.

Charlie Sheen: Uh, Duh! Winning! And so are you. Quick, give me three awesome things about you. Go.

John Galiano: Um, ok. I have no ugly friends. I dress up like a methed-out musketeer. And I got a mustache that whispers “I’m a bad person”.

Charlie Sheen: And how’s that make you feel?

John Galiano: Winning!

Charlie Sheen: See? That’s our lives. Deal with it. Sorry middle America. Losers! Winning! Bye bye! Real quick, I want to thanks today’s sponsor “Tiger Blood”. Just blood from a tiger in a jar. [holds up the jar] It’s up to you what to do with it. Next guest is Muammar Ghadafi, or how I like to call him “Mo-Muff” Gaddafi.

Christina Aguilera: [sings] Muammar Ghadafiiiiii–iiiii! Winning!

[Ghadafi enters in his desert pastel colored robes, salutes John, sits]

Muammar Gaddafi: Charlie, is great to be here. It’s great to be anywhere but Lybia. Who’s running that place? [laughs]

Charlie Sheen: Winning! You and I have a lot in common. You’re a Vatican assassin and you’re 79. I’m a Vatican assassin and I look 79. We’ve got tiger blood!

Muammar Gaddafi: Thanks, you know, but actually I’m not doing so great.

Charlie Sheen: Impossible. You’re so bitching, so gnarly. You’re killing it right now.

Muammar Gaddafi: If by “it” you mean my people, then yes I’m very much killing it.

Charlie Sheen: Down get down on yourself. You’ve been a a star dictator on a hit country for 42 seasons. Without you no one even talks about Lybia? I mean, who they’re gonna replace you? Elected democracy? John Stamos? Come on! So what? Some trolls called you an anti-semite.

Muammar Gaddafi: I don’t understand what that means.

Charlie Sheen: It means you hate Jews.

Muammar Gaddafi: Oh, I’m definitely that, yes. I didn’t understand, put me down as totally on that.

Charlie Sheen: Either way. Real quick. Three good things about yourself. Go.

Muammar Gaddafi: Ok. I have the courage of a lion. The heart of a monster and I dress like Humpty Hump from Digital Underground.

Charlie Sheen: How do you feel now, Muammar?

Muammar Gaddafi: Winning!

Charlie Sheen: Winning! Let’s go to a quick viewer e-mail. “Charlie, everything you’re saying is making perfect sense. I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone to spell things out so clearly. Finally I know, I’m not crazy” Well, thank you very much gbusey69@hotmail.com.Our final guest is a long time member of the winning circle. Please welcome, Lindsay Lohan.

Christina Aguilera: [sings] Lindsay Lohaaaaaa–aan! Winning!

Lindsay Lohan: Hey Charlie.

Charlie Sheen: Hey Lindsay. You winning?

Lindsay Lohan: You know it.

Charlie Sheen: Radical! Lay it on me.

Lindsay Lohan: Things are great. My new movie Herbie opened 68 months ago and the Los Angeles courthouse gave me my own parking spot. Winning!

Charlie Sheen: Winning!

Lindsay Lohan: Duh!

Charlie Sheen: Duh! Ha,ha,ha,hold on, hold on real quick. [rubs defibrillators together] Clear! [zaps himself in the chest, lays dead for a moment and zaps back to life again] Hey, we’re winning again! All right, real quick I got to mention another sponsor. Baby urine.[holds a cup of urine] Got a drug test coming up? Reach for some nice, clean baby urine.

Lindsay Lohan: Can I get some of that?

Charlie Sheen: Ah, yes. [gives Lindsay the bottle, she leaves the set] That’s the show. Let’s take a look as we always do, at the scoreboard.[Scoreboard: Charlie Sheen 10,000. Trolls 0] Tough day for the trolls. Show is done, is in the past, I’m done, bye-bye, I got to do 10 more interviews but real quick, Live from New York…[frantic hand signals] it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 17


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Amazon.com Widgets

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 12th, 2011

Zach Galifianakis

Jessie J

None

None

None

Selection SundaySummary: It’s March Madness, so Greg Gumbel and Jim Nantz bring down the brackets to determine who’s the craziest person in the world.

Recurring Characters: Greg Gumbel, Jim Nantz, Muammer Gaddaffi, Charlie Sheen.

Transcript

Montage

Zach Galifianakis’ MonologueSummary: Zach Galifianakis introduces new characters he’s working on, then lip-synchs “Tomorrow” while dressed as Little Orphan Annie.

Transcript

The TalkSummary: Frantic “The View” fan (Zach Galifianakis) is dissapointed to be stuck in the audience of insipid knock-off during his birthday.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Osbourne, Whoopi Goldberg.

The Original Kings Of Catchphrase ComedySummary: A group of hacky comedians whose routines consist of one semi-amusing catchphrase are now on tour together.

Scared StraightSummary: Hardcore inmates Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Creepy Guy (Zach Galifianakis) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Zach Looks for a New Assistant”, Zach Galifianakis interviews mature children for the oafish position.

Jessie J performs “Price Tag”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Julie Taymor (Kristen Wiig) comments about her dismissal as director of Broadway’s “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark”. Liam the Teenager Who Just Woke Up (Andy Samberg) comments about fluctuating oil prices as it pertains to his weird dreams.

Recurring Characters: Liam the Teenager Who Just Woke Up.

NoodlesSummary: Mom (Kristen Wiig) and Dad (Zach Galifianakis) try to find a gentle way to tell their kids (Nasim Pedrad, Bobby Moynihan, Abby Elliott) that the family dog died from autoerotic asphyxiation.

Transcript

Celebrity ScoopSummary: Kind-hearted Canadian gossips (Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) have only nice things to say about American celebrities.

Jesse J perform “Mamma Knows Best”

Corn Syrup Producers of AmericaSummary: Moms (Nasim Pedrad, Kristen Wiig) disagree on the virtues of high-fructose corn syrup.

Transcript

TitanicSummary: Ignoring the lives of the passengers he endangered, the Titanic’s Captain (Zach Galifianakis) disguises himself as a woman and sneaks aboard a life boat headed for shore.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Fertility SessionSummary: Fertility doctor (Jason Sudeikis) counsels a woman (Kristen Wiig) who can’t have kids because her husband (Zach Galifinakis) insists on wearing five pairs of pants with no boxer shorts.

National Naming CompetitionSummary: Participants (Zach Galifinakis, Nasim Pedrad) compete to see who name the most number of people in an allotted amount of time.

Salon TalkSummary: Hair stylist’s (Abby Elliott) moment in the sun is ruined by the bickering between her parents (Zach Galafianakis, Kristen Wiig) on their salon talk show.

Recurring Characters: Gene Shemp, Lydia Shemp.

70’s AlbumsSummary: Music lover (Jason Sudeikis) shuns company after burning his hand in the fireplace and tries to enjoy his favorite 70’s hits alone.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 17

10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J

Corn Syrup Producers of America

Mom #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Mom #2…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: [ over product slide ] The following is a message from the Corn Syrup Producers of America.

[ dissolve to child’s birthday party scene ]

[ Mom #1 pours juice from a jug as Mom #2 steps forward ]

Mom #2: Wow. You don’t care what the kids eat, huh?

Mom #1: Excuse me?

Mom #2: Uh, that has high-fructose corn syrup in it.

Mom #1: [ incredulous ] And?

Mom #2: Well, you know the things they say about high-fructose corn syrup. [ she laughs ]

Mom #1: Like what?

Mom #2: Well… um…

Mom #1: That it’s made from corn, and it’s natural enough and like sugar and it’s fine in moderation?

Mom #2: I guess…

Mom #1: You guess what? That you should have kept your MOUTH shut?

[ Mom #2 is rendered speechless ]

[ Mom #1 raises her eyebrows in assured victory ]

Mom #2: I-I never… [ she sips from her mug ]

Mom #1: Never what? Never heard of science? You know, this is a real jam for me — trust scientists… or stay-at-home mom Sheila from down the street who’s having wine at ten a.m.

Mom #2: I’m sorry… Let’s just…

Mom #1: Let’s just what? Make a bigger deal about the corn syrup? At this FUN party that I’ve invited you to, even though I didn’t want to because you say shit like this?

Mom #2: Okay. [ collecting her thoughts ] Hey, that’s a great sweater!

Mom #1: Thanks! It was my daughter’s, but she grew out of it.

[ cut to plump daughter spilling out of her tight clothes ]

Daughter: Mommy! Could I have some more juicy drink?

Mom #1: Of course, you can!

Daughter: Yeah!

[ she chugs the drink then runs off, exposinger her butt crack ]

Mom #2: She’s cute.

Mom #1: Yep.

Mom #1 V/O: Get the facts. Check out our web site… [ SUPER: “ThereAreWorseThingsThanCornSyrup.com” ] and no other web sites.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 17

10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J

Goodnights

…..Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis: [ his head shaved in the style of a mohawk ] Thanks a lot, everybody! Unfortunately, we did NOT get to the Mr. T sketch. [ the audience laughs at his mock embarrassment ] A real bummer, if you ask me. Thanks to Jessie J, b.o.b.! The cast, the crew, the writers! My parents. [ he glances offstage ] Keep going? [ thinking ] The guy that shines my rollerblades. Thank you, everybody, have a great night! Good night! [ he rubs his mohawk before mingling with the cast ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 17

10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J

Selection Sunday

Greg Gumbel…..Kenan Thompson
Jim Nantz…..Jason Sudeikis
Tracy Wilson…..Nasim Pedrad
Muammar Gaddafi…..Fred Armisen
Dick Vitale…..Andy Samberg
Melissa Leo…..Kristen Wiig
Charlie Sheen…..Bill Hader

Announcer: It’s Selection Sunday on CBS!

[ dissolve to sports desk ]

Greg Gumbel: Well, it’s March! That means it’s time for March Madness! Hello, I’m Greg Gumbel. And ‘ve been rockin’ this room since 1981!

Jim Nantz: And I’m Jim Nantz. [ whispering ] Golf whisper!

Greg Gumbel: Tonight, we’re unveiling the BRACKETS! Not for March Madness, but for ACTUAL madness!

Jim Nantz: That’s right! It’s the tournament to determine who’s the CRAZIEST person… in the world. We’ve got four regions of craziness, but let’s start with North Africa.

[ reveal bracket ]

Greg Gumbel: In a bracket that is dominated with ruthless dictators, and leading the insanity is Number One seed Muammar Gaddafi.

Jim Nantz: Gadaffi, the heavy favorite so far, is stepping up his game, come tourney time, with a full-scale civil war.

Greg Gumbel: And just LOOK at the guy — it’s like Tony Shalhoub had a baby with E.T.

Jim Nantz: [ chuckling ] Let’s check in with sideline reporter Tracy Wilson, who’s with Moammar right now.

[ cut to Tracy Wilson interview Gaddafi amid ruins ]

Tracy Wilson: President Gaddafi… first NUmber One seed since 1988. Must feel good!

Muammer Gaddafi: Oh, I’m PUMPED, baby! But this was a TEAM effort. There’s no “I” in “Gadaffi” — depending on the spelling! Sometimes there’s a “Y”… sometimes there’s, like, FIVE “I”s. [ he laughs heartily ] But I’m going ALL THE WAY this year! It’s WIN… or get assassinated! [ he laughs meekly ] BOO-YAH!!

Tracy Wilson: Gotta love that confidence! Back to you guys!

[ return to the sports desk ]

Jim Nantz: Mmm… President Gaddaffi, a fat sleepy baby in a pile of blankets!

Greg Gumbel: [ impressed ] Oh… alright. Let’s move on to the Washington, D.C. madness bracket. We’ve got stiff competition, with Michelle Bachmann going up against Keith Olbermann, in what’s sure to be a battle of creepy eyes versus creepy mouth. And Number One seed Glenn Beck is going up against New York congressman Peter King, who was generating a lot of BUZZ pre-tournament. To help bring it down is the wacky uncle of college basketball — Dick Vitale!

[ cut to Dick Vitale ranting and raving ]

Dick Vitale: It’s a Cinderella story, baby!! Representative Peter King is coming out of nowhere with his radical Islam hearing!! It’s the Salem Witch Trials, baby!! Is he special?! I man, is he special?! IS HE SPECIAL?!! Ohhhhhh, I ask a lot of rhetorical questions, baby!

[ Greg Gumbel chuckles to himself ]

Jim Nantz: You’re the best, Dick!

Dick Vitale: I hope this tournament NEVER ends! Because, when it does, they put me BACK IN THE FREEZERRRRRR!!! DIPSY-DOO DUNK-A-ROO!!

[ return to the sports desk, as Gumbel chuckles to himself ]

Jim Nantz: Hmm… it’s like Stanley Tucci snorted Adderall.

[ the two men shake hands at a joke well done ]

Greg Gumbel: Finally! Let’s look at what might be the MOST competitive bracket of all — the Hollywood division!

Jim Nantz: ALWAYS the most entertaining bracket! And it starts with a playing game between aspiring hot mess Melissa Leo, and seasoned disaster Coutney Love. In fact, let’s go LIVE now to an EMPTY Kodak Theater, where Melissa Leo is preparing for the tournament by continuing her Oscar acceptance speech.

[ cut to Melissa Leo holding her Oscar ]

Melissa Leo: [ choking up ] I’m not done! And it’s about the work! And it’s about the craft! And it’s about SELLING MOVIES!! [ she takes a bite off the top of her Oscar statuette and screams ]

[ return to sports desk ]

Jim Nantz: [ chuckling ] Oh, boy! I like her chances! The winner will take on heavy favorite Charlie Sheen. But don’t count out the 3-seed — Nick Cage! — who ALWAYS looks like he just witnessed a murder. In the past year, he’s been in “The Sorceror’s Apprentice”, “Season of the Witch”, and “Drive Angry: 3D”. That is just an EPIC run of nonsense.

Greg Gumbel: It sure is! But I still like 2-seed Mel Gibson, seen her in disguise as an undercover Wilfred Brimley. [ reveal file photo ] But there’s no question that Charlie Sheen is the frontrunner here, driving the Crazy TRain at full throttle!

Jim Nantz: The fear with Sheen is: Has he peaked too soon? I mean, he’s done in two weeks what it’s taken Michael Jackson fifteen years to do!

Greg Gumbel: It’d be great to hear Sheen’s thoughts! [ pressing his ear ] Wha… what? Oh, he as a 24/7 webcast!

Jim Nantz: Let’s check in with Charlie Sheen.

[ cut to Charlie Sheen speaking into webcam ]

Charlie Sheen: My point is… I don’t need two-and-a-half trolls. Because Bartholomew and I — [ he holds up a stick figure ] are starting our own show! It’s called “Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner”, and it’s gonna be epic — EP-IIIIIC!! [ he holds the stick figure to his ear ] What’s that? I can’t say that, they’ll think I’m crazy. Okay. [ to the camera ] The pyramids were built by the Wayans Brothers.

[ return to the anchors applauding at the sports desk ]

Jim Nantz: Oh, man! That guy’s the best! The best!

Greg Gumbel: That guy is a sloppy bucket of crazy!

Jim Nantz: Mmm-hmm! Let’s take a break to hear from our sponsors — Four Loko and AK-47s. When we return, we’ll break down the Middle East bracket and we’ll hear from four-time champion Kim Jong-Il. But, first: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 17

10q: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J

Zach Galifianakis’s Monologue

…..Zach Galifianakis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!

Zach Galifianakis: Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you. Please be quiet! It’s great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. All week, I was thinking to myself: “Don’t screw this up, Fatty.” That was actually a text from my mother.

I’ll never forget what my grandmother said right before she passed away. She said to me right before she passed away, she said to me, she said: “What are you doing?”

My neighbor — I ran into my neighbor, and he said, “Hey, uh, I hear you’re on the TV sometimes. Why don’t you say something about me on the TV?” [ he turns for a close-up ] STOP stealing my tomatoes!

I have a lot of exciting things coming up. Uh, next week, uh — I’ll be at Long John Silver’s. And, in April, I’ll be babysitting my sister’s kids via Skype.

I also have a DVD of my stand-up, and it’s selling like… whatever the opposite of hotcakes is.

I wear a lot of Axe body spray. But I live in a black neighborhood — it’s called Ask body spray. And, if you don’t get that joke… then, you’re not racist.

[ the audience eats it up as he turns to acknowledge a Black musician in the band ]

The only time it’s good to yell out “I have diarrhea!” is when you’re playing Scrabble. Because it’s worth a crapload of points.

This show has a lot of characters in it. I’ve been doing a lot of, uh, characters over the years, and I’d like to showcase a few characters I’ve been working on. This first character is called the Redneck Who Orders Stuff at Convenience Stores Very Masculine-Like, But Cannot Order One of the Products Very Masculinely. Here we go: [ deep-voiced ] “Uh, yeah — can I get some beef jerky… some, uh, Copenhagen… a foot-long corn dog… and some, uh… [ high-pitched voice ] Skittles!”

This next character is called The Guy From Queens Who’s Obsessed With Cargo Shorts. Here we go: [ tough-guy accent ] “What are those, cargo shorts?”

This next character — this next character is called… [ he approaches a woman in the audience and leans casually upon her chair ] The Worst Bragger in the World: “So, uh, yeah… I was french-kissing my brother the other night…”

[ he returns to Home Base ]

THank you. Um… the jokes are done. And I want to talk about now, um — there’s a lot of issues going on, and, uh, in the country right now, in the United States, and I think it’s… very important for us a country to look forward to the future. [ he removes his jacket ] Because, uh… there’s always a tomorrow. Music, please.

[ he finishes removing his clothes to reveal a Little Orphan Annie costume, then begins to lip-synch to “Tomorrow” ]

[ as he lip-synchs, he tears sheets from an easel to reveal the following series of messages: ]

[ “THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW” ]

[ “I SURE HOPE SO” ]

[ “MARRIAGE SHOULD BE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN” ]

[ “…OR BETWEEN TWO MEN WHO LIKE TO GO ANTIQUING” ]

[ “THANKS FOR THE APPLAUSE” ]

[ the audience applauds ]

[ “I WAS BULLIED AS A TEENAGER” ]

[ “BY FIRST GRADERS” ]

[ “LOOK AT ME NOW” ]

[ HE SKIPS AROUND THE STAGE ]

[ “CLAP IF YOU ENDORSE LEGALIZED MARIJUANA” ]

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

[ “I’M ASHAMED OF THIS AUDIENCE” ]

[ “THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT MORE CLAPPING” ]

[ “I SMOKE SO MUCH POT SOMETIMES I FORGET TO SMOKE IT” ]

[ “IRAN, IRAQ & NORTH IKEA…” ]

[ “WHAT TO DO?” ]

[ “DUKAKIS 2012” ]

[ glitter falls down as the audience cheers ]

[ he tears one more sheet from the easel: ]

[ “LOOKS LIKE FATTY DID OK” ]

Zach Galifianakis: we’ve got a great show! Hoobastank is here! No? Not again? [ he shrugs ] Jessie J is here! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts