For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 8
10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money
Goodnights
…..Robert DeNiro
[ dissolve to the Home Base stage ]
[ Robin Williams, behind DeNiro, yells out, prompting most of the others onstage to yell along with him ]
Robert DeNiro: My thanks… to Diddy Dirty Money, Robin Williams, Ben Stiller! [ Diddy leans in to kiss DeNiro on the cheek ] Lorne, Steve, the cast and crew! Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 8
10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money
It’s a Living
Calvin…..Andy Samberg
Tristan…..Jason Sudeikis
Bartender…..Taran Killan
Drifter #1…..Robert DeNiro
Drifter #2…..Ben Stiller
[ open on exterior, Mullins Bar ]
[ dissolve to interior, as Calvin and Tristan step up to the bar ]
Calvin: Agh! That was the most stressful day of my life, man!
Tristan: Yeah. It sounds like it. Well, uh, the first one’s on me, alright?
Calvin: Alright. [ to the bartender ] Excuse me? Bartender?
[ the Bartender extends a passing glance, then completely rebuffs him ]
Tristan: Oh! The bartenders here are the WORST.
Calvin: Yeah. This always happens, you know? Like, who do I have to screw to get a drink around here?
[ Drifter #1 ambles forward ]
Drifter #1: Me.
Calvin: I’m sorry… what?
Drifter #1: You asked: “Who do I have to screw to get a drink?” The answer is ME!
Tristan: Yeah, but — [ he laughs ] That’s just a figure of speech! Right?
Drifter #1: No! It’s not.
Calvin: [ he shrugs ] Man… this is gonna SUCK!
Tristan: Wait — no! Calvin! You’re not actually considering doing this?
Calvin: I really want a drink, man!
Tristan: WHAT?! Will you LOOK at him?!
Calvin: What? He’s not all that bad. I mean… he kind of looks like Gandolf.
Tristan: Yeah — no! I-I-I can SEE that, but you can NOT do this!
Calvin: Hey, Tristan? You’re acting like a real SQUARE! Now, SAVE my spot, ’cause I’m about to go score a drink!
[ Calvin takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]
[ SUPER: “7 HOURS LATER” ]
[ Calvin emerges weak-kneed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a beer ]
Tristan: Well?
Calvin: NOT worth it!
Tristan: Yeah. Alright.
[ the Drifter ambles forward ]
Drifter #1: Hey, sport, look — sorry it took so long in there.
Calvin: Yeah…
Drifter #1: It’s just, uh, that I find you SO unattractive. It took me while to, you know, “get” there. But, you gotta admit, when I got there… I really GOT there!
Calvin: Yeah. Thank you.
Drifter #1: [ he looks at Tristan ] Hey, there. Sport! You thirsty?
Tristan: No. I’m good. Thank you, though.
Drifter #1: You sure? How about just a shot of something?
Tristan: [ trying to resist ] Aw, dammit! …DAMMIT! It HAS been a stressful day. Just a shot?
Drifter #1: Just a shot.
Tristan: Alright, let’s go.
[ the Drifter offers his hand ]
Tristan: Aw, that’s nice!
[ Tristan takes the Drifter’s hand and follows him into a broom closet, giving a final thumbs-up before he disappears ]
[ SUPER: “6 1/2 HOURS LATER” ]
[ Tristan emerges dazed from the broom closet, as the Bartender hands over a shot ]
Calvin: So?
Tristan: [ chugs his shot ] It was BAD! Not a fun time. No, it was HORRIBLE!
[ the Drifter ambles forward ]
Drifter #1: Hey, Sport.
Tristan: Ah, hey.
Drifter #1: I — I-I — I gotta apologize. I took forever in there. Both of you guys are just CRAP ugly!
Tristan: Okay, yeah! I’d rather not talk about it.
Drifter #1: Hey, what’s with the attitude? I’m just doing my thing.
Calvin: No, buddy, it’s not even really you.
Tristan: Yeah. No, the real problem is your friend back there.
[ a second drifter emerges from the broom closet ]
Drifter #2: Hey, guys. Ready for Round Two?
Calvin: The guy’s INSATIABLE!
Drifter #2: That was a nice little rehearsal, but I think we need to bump it UP a notch. [ he rubs his goatee ] I’m gonna need WAY more eye contact!
[ Calvin and Tristan think it over ]
Calvin: Well… he does have really nice eyes.
Tristan: He has GORGEOUS eyes!
Calvin: Yeah.
Drifter #1: One more round?
Calvin: Was there ever a doubt?
[ the Drifter extends his hand ]
Drifter #1: This one’s on me!
[ Drifter #2 extends both of his hands and flexes his fingers ]
Calvin: Eeeuuggh!! What are you doing!
[ they all exit into the broom closet together ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 8
10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money
Robert DeNiro’s Monologue
…..Robert DeNiro
Audience Member #1…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Audience Member #2…..Paula Pell
Audience Member #3…..Rob Klein
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Robert DeNiro!
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Robert DeNiro: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, thank you, thank — okay, okay, okay, SHUT UP! [ the audience laughs and quiets down ] It’s GREAT to be here tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m hoping this will really kickstart my movie career. And it’s a real thrill to be with all of you here tonight — in NEW YORK CITY!! [ wild applause ] There are millions of tourists, this time of year. But they don’t get to see the REAL New York — the New York I know. Because this is MY town. No one knows the city better than ME. New York, New York. The City of Angels. Home of the Golden Gate Bridge! I love grabbing some famous New York ribs and catching a show at Epcot Center. It’s New York, baby! Just think — 1,000 people in one city. From all foreignicities. I mean, it’s truly a melting basket. And that’s why we have neighborhoods like Chinatown, Frenchworld, and Amish Paradise. Because it’s New York, U.S.A.!
Audience Member #1: Uh, excuse me? Yeah, I think you might have a couple of your facts wrong.
[ DeNiro stares him down ]
Audience Member #1: I’m so sorry. [ he sits ]
Robert DeNiro: New York City. Land of a Thousand Lakes! And, as they say here in New York: “Forget about… this!” And in New York, we don’t do anything halfway. That’s why we have the tallest building in the world — the Taj Mahal!
Audience Member #2: Hey, excuse me? Have you even been to New York before?
Robert DeNiro: Sal, could you please..?
[ a couple of bodyguards remove Audience Member #2 from the audience ]
Audience Member #2: Hey!
Robert DeNiro: This is New York, baby! Land of the Free, Home of the Atlanta Braves! You know, I still go back to my old neighborhood sometimes — 500 Street. And I visit my old performing arts school where it all began — Hogwart’s.
Audience Member #3: Alright, Mr. DeNiro — I think we’ve all heard enough!
Robert DeNiro: Oh, really? Have we? Are you sure? Sal? Give him that thing.
[ DeNiro’s bodyguards hand the audience member a blood-soaked cloth, then unwrap it to reveal a severed horse’s head ]
Audience Member #3: I’m sorry. [ he sits ]
Robert DeNiro: Obviously… I’m just messing with you guys. It’s what New Yorkers do. The truth is, I love New York City and it’s great to be here hosting the BEST show in New York — “Friday Night Lights”! We got a great show for you tonight. Diddy Dirty Money is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 8
10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money
From the Garden with Mr. Produce
Tony Sicilia…..Robert DeNiro
Anthony…..Andy Samberg
[ open on show set, with title graphic on screen ]
Announcer: It’s “From the Garden”, with Mr. Produce himself, Tony Sicilia.
Tony Sicilia: Hi! Hi! Hello, everybody, and welcome to “From the Garden”! I’m Tony Sicilia. It may be December, but my California garden is still teeming with tasty products like these sweet potatoes right here. They’re loaded with Vitamin A, so what do you say we pump up the yams? I’m just gonna cut this yam. [ he slices the yam, revealing a moldy center ] Whoops! It looks like some potato bugs started eating this one already. Uh — [ he tosses the yam scraps over his shoulder ] I’ll cut another one. [ he slices another yam, but it’s also moldy ] Ah, for the love of — Where’s my son? [ he glances off-camera ] ANTHONY! Anthony!
[ Tony’s bored, college-aged son, Anthony, sidles onto camera ]
Tony Sicilia: Did you spray the potatoes last week when I was in New York to do the “Today” show?
Anthony Sicilia: [ angsty ] I don’t know, did I?
Tony Sicilia: It looks as if you did not.
Anthony Sicilia: Is that how it looks?
Tony Sicilia: You should have. [ he tosses the yam scrap over his shoulder ]
Anthony Sicilia: Should I have?
Tony Sicilia: We’ll talk about this later.
Anthony Sicilia: Will we?
Tony Sicilia: [ rubbing Anthony’s head ] Why don’t you skedaddle on out of here so your dad can do his show, okay?
Anthony Sicilia: Is that what I should do? Skedaddle?
[ Anthony squeezes a guava, as Tony shoves him off-camera ]
Tony Sicilia: That, of course, is Anthony, my oldest son who is home from college right now. And he’s been helping me in the garden. [ continuing ] Okay, so another one of my favorite vegetables is the winter squash. This one is a biggie, ’cause you can call it a sas-squash. And the first thing I like to do is to cut these in half, as I am doing. [ he struggles to cut the squash, finally revealing a soggy, moldy center ] Ah, you son of a BITCH! Anthony, you’re killing me! ANTHONY!!
[ Anthony steps forward ]
Tony Sicilia: Did you spray the squash when I asked you to?!
Anthony Sicilia: I don’t know, did I?
Tony Sicilia: Black mealworms have totally invaded this squash!!
Anthony Sicilia: Is that what they’ve totally done? Invaded it?
Tony Sicilia: You need to check your attutide, son.
Anthony Sicilia: Is that what I need to do?
[ Anthony squeezes a roma tomato and exits off-camera ]
Tony Sicilia: [ he tosses the squash scrap over his shoulder ] You know, you miht be racking your brains out at my son who would still be home for Thanksgiving break. It’s a new holiday he invented, called “College is Too Hard That Day”. You know, the way you celebrate it is taking your father’s hard-earned money and wiping your ass with it.
Anthony Sicilia: [ poking in for a moment ] Is that how you celebrate it?
Tony Sicilia: [ throwing vegetables at Anthony off-camera ] I’m gonna… take you on a PLANE… and I’m going to a COUNTRY… where a BEATING… a CHOKING… is ENCOURAGED!!! [ regaining his composure ] You know what else is really delicious? Jerusalem artichokes. And they aren’t really artichokes at all, they’re edible tubers. And these… are like — [ the artichoke crumbles in his hands ] Dry as dust. ANTHONYYY!!!
Anthony Sicilia: What’s up!
Tony Sicilia: I’ll TELL you what’s UP! Did you even water the garden while I was away?!
Anthony Sicilia: I don’t know. Did I do that?
Tony Sicilia: If you answer my questions with a question one more time, I’m gonna shove a TURNIP right up your ying-yang!
Anthony Sicilia: [ shaking his head ] You know what, Dad? You spend all your time nurturing vegetables and running off to the “Today” show… but you NEVER take the time to ask me real questions. Like: “Are you afraid to admit you’re hacing a tough time at college, son?”
Tony Sicilia: [ softening ] Anthony… I didn’t realize!
Anthony Sicilia: Maybe you should ask yourself: “Have you watered your son lately?” “Have you sprayed him so he doesn’t get EATEN ALIVE by the caterpillars of college pressure?”
Tony Sicilia: I’m so sorry!
Anthony Sicilia: [ sobbing ] Is that what you are?
Tony Sicilia: YES!! I am!
[ they hug each other affectionately, then begin to punch and pound each other in the back and practically strangle one another ]
Tony Sicilia: [ to the camera ] Next week, we’ll be talking about CIDER!
Anthony Sicilia: Oh, is that what we’ll be talking about?! Cider?!
Tony Sicilia: Yeah! Come here, you little bastard!!
[ they tumble to the floor to settle the matter ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 8
10h: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money
WikiLeaks: TMZ
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Julian Assange…..Bill Hader
Writer #1…..Andy Samberg
Moammer Kaddafi…..Fred Armisen
Prostitute…..Kristen Wiig
Writer #2…..Paul Brittain
Hamid Karzai…..Robert DeNiro
Waiter…..Kenan Thompson
Writer #3…..Bobby Moynihan
Hillary Clinton…..Vanessa Bayer
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Presidential seal ]
Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.
[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]
President Barack Obama: Uh — Good evening, my fellow Americans. Uhhhh — uh, yesterday I traveled to Afghanistan, uh, to speak with our brave men and women serving in the armed services. Uhhh — while the way forward may be difficult, and there are —
[ the picture turns to snow, then falls upon the image of Julian Assange ]
Julian Assange: Hello, America. I’m Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks, and I’ve taken over your airways. This week, my organization released thousands of cables revealing embarrassing details about the international diplomatic community. The leaks did not inspire revolution as I had hoped, so tonight I present a new WikiLeaks… where the leaks are even more embarrassing, and the details are even more sordid. Welcome to:
[ FLASHING SUPER: “WikiLeaks: TMZ” ]
[ dissolve to staff meeting ]
Julian Assange: So, where are we at today, guys? [ the staff is silent ] Looking for world leaders behaving badly. Come on!
Writer #1: Yeah. so, like, you know how one of the leaked cables says Kaddafi has a Ukranian nurse who never leaves his side?
Julian Assange: Yes. That was a juicy leak, yeah.
Writer #1: Yeah. Well, this nurse is a [ he makes obscene sound effects ] And our guys caught them leaving a hot new Bolivian restaurant. Check it.
[ footage plays of Kaddafi leaving restaurant with a prostitute ]
Voice: Hey, Moammer! Moamer Kaddafi! What’s up, man?
Moammer Kaddafi: I’m just finishing dinner.
Voice: Who’s the lady?
Moammer Kaddafi: Where’s the car? She’s my nurse.
Voice: She’s pretty hot for a nurse.
Moammer Kaddafi: [ nervous ] Where’s the car?! What did you say?
Voice: I said, she’s pretty hot for a nurse.
Prostitute: I am nurse.
Moammer Kaddafi: She’s just nurse! Abdul! Car!
Prostitute: And, also, prostitute.
[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]
[ return to staff meeting, staff members high-fiving one another ]
Julian Assange: Alright, alright, good stuff! Good stuff. Good stuff. But he’s an easy target. More! Feed me! Come on!
Writer #2: Uhhhh, hey! So, uh, you know how these cables keep saying Afghanistan’s really corrupt and you can’t get anything done unless you bribe someone in the government?
Julian Assange: Of course. Yeah.
Writer #2: Well… our guys caught up with President Hamid Karzai leaving ?? last night, and, uh… I think it kind of speaks for itself!
[ footage plays of Karzai leaving location ]
Voice: So your boy Obama was in Afghanistan. Did you get to see him?
Hamid Karzai: I did?
Voice: Did he ask you all about the bribery in your administration?
Waiter: Sir! You forgot your briefcase.
Hamid Karzai: [ stern ] I do not take bribes!
[ Karzai takes the briefcase, which pops open and spills money to the ground ]
[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]
[ return to staff meeting ]
Julian Assange: What an idiot. Good work. But what I really want for Christmas… is a takedown of Hillary clinton!
Writer #3: [ smarmy ] Well, ho ho ho! Your wishes are answered. One of our sources sent us a video that has to be seen to be believed.
Julian Assange: Who’s the source?
Writer #3: It’s top secret. But they shot it, they sent it to us, and you have NEVER seen Hillary Clinton like this before!
[ footage plays of Secret Service agents opening a limosine door to Hillary Clinton ]
Hillary Clinton: [ yapping on a cell phone ] What part of “spying on the UN” DON’T you understand? I want everything: hair samples, fingerprints, where they buy their groceries. [ she leans forward to exit the vehicle, revealing a pixelated crotch shot with no panties ] We’re the United States of America — we can do whatever we want! [ she sees the camera ] Hey! Are you filming me?!
[ the camera spins around to reveal its operator — Vice-President Joe Biden ]
Joe Biden: Hey-ohhh!! You just got BIDENED!! Ha ha!!
[ STAMP: “WikiLeaked!” ]
[ return to staff meeting ]
Staff: Whoaaaaaa!!
Writer #1: Schnap!!
Julian Assange: Indeed. [ to the camera ] So there you have it, America. Truth, courtesy of Julian Assange. [ the lights dim ] Do I suck a little bit? I do. Yeah. Can you try me for treason? You can’t, because I’m from Australia. But nice try, dummies. In closing, I want to remind you all: [ smugly ] No matter how I die… it was murder. And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:Guest Writer:
September 25th, 2010
Amy Poehler
Katy Perry
None
Justin Timberlake
Rachel Dratch
Tina Fey
Jimmy Fallon
Maya Rudolph
Gov. David Paterson
Peter Sarsgaard
None
Emily Spivey RNC Headquarters
Summary: At the Republican National Committee Headquarters, Christine O’Donnell (Kristen Wiig) rattles off more problematic disgressions from her past.
Transcript
Montage
Amy Poehler’s Monologue
Summary: Amy Poehler announces that it’s a dream come true to host “SNL”, then relives her recurring stress dream of being late for the show amid a slew of gratutious celebrity cameos.
Transcript
Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi
Summary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with a provocatively dressed teenager (Katy Perry) who volunteers as a children’s story reader at the local library.
Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.
Bosley
Summary: Spokesperson (Jason Sudeikis) explains the hair loss restoration system that uses pubic hair as a baldness solution.
Maternity Matters
Summary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.
Recurring Characters: Roger Brush.
Transcript
Mosque at Ground Zero
Summary: Pitchman (Bill Hader) lauds the whirlwind of anti-Democratic activity taking place at the Mosque at Ground Zero.
Transcript
Katy Perry performs “California Gurls”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” in regards to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Although Will Smith (Jay Pharoah) didn’t star in a summer blockbuster this year, he’s thrilled that his spawn has been active on-screen. The real Gov. David Paterson confronts Fred Armisen about the achievements he’s made as a blind governor.
Recurring Characters: Will Smith, Gov. David Paterson.
The Lean Years
Summary: Amy Poehler stars in Showtime’s latest series, which focuses on Amber, a foul-mouthed girl whose private secret is that she only has one leg.
Recurring Characters: Amber.
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: At the Academy Awards, Katy Perry sings the title track for the film “Boogerman”, starring Peter Sarsgaard.
Ladies Who Lunch
Summary: Sylvia (Kristen Wiig) is jealous that Trish’s (Amy Poehler) tiny hats are consistently tinier than her tiny hats.
Transcript
Katy Perry performs “Teenage Dream”
Actor II Actor
Summary: Acting enthusiast Andy Samberg ponders when thespian Justin Timberlake will put his craft aside and return to making music.
Transcript
The Even More Expendables
Summary: Sequels to “The Expendables” feature an ever-expanding collection of quasi-celebrities together in bulk action flicks.
Recurring Characters: Kim Jong Il, Chris Tucker, Rod Blagojevich, Steven Seagal, Tracy Chapman, Brigitte Nielsen.
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
A Message From Hillary ClintonSummary: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) addresses the public about President Obama’s ratings.
Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.
Pepto Bismol Ice
Summary: Summary: The upset stomach reliever that won’t interrupt a night of wreckless drinking and partying.
Note: This filmed piece will air on next week’s episode hosted by Bryan Cranston.
Family FeudSummary: New host Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) can’t seem to pronounce any of the answers.
Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.
LobotomySummary: After his lobotomy, a patient (Andy Samberg) can’t comprehend scientists’ (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) scientific terms.
American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
Actor II Actor
…..Andy Samberg
…..Justin Timberlake
[ open with show’s graphic footage, as audience teenyboppers squeal with delight ]
Announcer: And now, “Actor II Actor”. The show where Andy Samberg goes in-depth with the premier actors of stage and screen, to discuss process, preparation, AND performance. This week: Andy sits down with actor Justin Timberlake.
[ dissolve to Andy and Justin seated in director’s chairs on a darkened stage, as the teeyboppers squeal more enthusiastically ]
Andy Samberg: Justin.
Justin Timberlake: [ extended pause, as he anticipates something more, then, finally: ] Andy.
Andy Samberg: [ extended pause as he makes a series of serious faces ] Acting.
Justin Timberlake: [ waiting ] Yes?
Andy Samberg: [ breathing deeply, then spilling it ] When are you going to make some more music?!
Justin Timberlake: [ upset ] Alright, you know what? That’s it!
[ Justin jumps to his feet and yanks off his microphone ]
Andy Samberg: What?!
Justin Timberlake: [ whining like a little girl ] I’m trying to take this seriously! I’m trying to take this seriously!!
Andy Samberg: Everyone wants to know!
Justin Timberlake: [ as he runs off stage ] Unbelievable!!
Andy Samberg: I’M YOUR FRIEND!! I just want to DANCE again!!
[ title card appears ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
Goodnights
…..Amy Poehler
Amy Poehler: Thank you so much to Katy Perry! Governor David Patterson! Justin Timberlake! Rachel Dratch! Tina Fey! Jimmy Fallon! Maya Rudolph! Lorne Michaels! Seth Meyers! I love you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
Ladies Who Lunch
Abby…..Abby Elliott
Vanessa…..Vanessa Bayer
Sylvia…..Kristen Wiig
Trish…..Amy Poehler
Fashion Designer…..Bill Hader
[ open on exterior, Chez Henri ]
[ dissolve to outdoor table as a group of ladies dine together ]
Vanessa: To another great lunch!
[ they toast their glasses ]
Abby: Sylvia, I have to ask: Where did you get that dress?
Sylvia: Oh. It’s actually a very funny story: I was at the Chanel store, just minding my own business, when this man came up to me —
Vanessa: Oh! [ waving ] Trish! We’re over here!
Sylvia: [ continuing ] So this man at the Chanel store came over to me —
Abby: Wait a minute, Sylvia. Everyone, look at Trish’s hat!
[ Trish, wearing a tiny hat, takes her seat ]
Trish: Oh, hi. Sorry I’m late.
Vanessa: My God, Trish! That’s the most adorable little hat I’ve ever seen!
Trish: [ with forced modesty ] Oh. This?
Abby: It’s perfect!
Vanessa: Tiny hats were the rage at Fashion Week! Don’t you just love it, Sylvia?
Sylvia: [ irked that she hasn’t gotten to finish her story ] It’s a very… small hat. Anyway, Trish, I was just telling the girls the wildest story. [ She continues ] So I was at Chanel —
[ a flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table while holding a Bichon Frise ]
Fashion Designer: I’m sorry — I never do this but that… hat… ROCKS!
[ he walks off ]
Abby & Vanessa: Absolutely! It’s fantastic! It’s just so perfectly Trish…!
[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves salad into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]
[ cut to exterior, Chez Henri ]
[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]
[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]
Vanessa: To US!!
[ they toast their glasses ]
Sylvia: [ wearing a tiny hat of her own ] Oh, yes — to us!
Abby: Love the hat, Sylvia!
Vanessa: Yes.
Sylvia: Oh! [ she giggles ] Thank you!
[ Trish enters wearing her samze-sized tiny hat ]
Trish: Ohhh, sorry I’m late!
Vanessa: Trish! Look at Sylvia! I guess you’re not the only one with an adorable little hat any more!
Trish: Ohhhh, how nice, Sylvia.
Sylvia: [ giggling triumphantly ] Thank you, Trish.
Trish: I tip my hat to you! [ she removes her hat to reveal a tinier hat beneath ]
Vanessa: No!
Abby: A smaller hat?!
[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again ]
Fashion Designer: Advantage: Trish!
[ he walks off ]
Vanessa: Trish is a fashion icon!
Abby: She’s amazing!
Vanessa: Unbelievable!
[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves bread into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]
[ cut to exterior, Chez Henri, with sign: “Trish Eats Here!” ]
[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]
[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]
Vanessa: To women!
[ they toast their glasses ]
Abby: So, Sylvia — no hat this week?
Sylvia: [ smirking ] Oh! Oh, I’m wearing a hat. [ she pulls up a microscope and places it on the table ] Take a look into the microscope.
Abby: Hmm?
Sylvia: Tell me what you see! [ she lays her head on the slide ]
Abby: Mmm-hmm. [ she peers into the microscope ] Oh, my God! It’s a microscopic hat!!
[ reveal the image of a hat between hair follicles on the slide ]
Sylvia: [ proudly ] It’s the smallest hat known to man! It cost me $4 million!
Vanessa: I wonder how Trish will respond?
Abby: I think she already has…
[ reveal a microscopic Trish also on the slide, wearing an even tinier hat to match her tiny proportions ] And her HAT!!
[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer is also of microscopic size, and walks past Trish to admire her hat ]
Vanessa: She is just amazing! No one beats Trish!
[ Sylvia, her head still on the slide, shoves a breadstick into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]
[ cut to exterior, Trish’s, with sign: “Home of the Tiny Hat” ]
[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]
[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]
Vanessa: To Trish!
Sylvia: [ irked ] To Trish?! To Trish?! W-what, did she get another stupid hat?!
Vanessa: Sylvia!
Sylvia: I mean it! As far as I’m concerned, she can just take all her little hats and shove them up her —
Abby: SYLVIA!!
Vanessa: [ calmy ] Trish… died this morning.
[ Sylvia appears stunned ]
Abby: She was in a motorcycle crash — [ choking up ] and her helmet was tiny.
[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again, crying ]
Fashion Designer: Ohhhhhhhhhh! [ to Sylvia ] It should have been you!
[ he walks off ]
Sylvia: Oh… I feel awful…
[ suddenly, Trish sits down ]
Trish: Oh! Am I late?
Vanessa: Trish! You’re alive!
Trish: [ she laughs ] Faking your own death is the NEW tiny hat!
[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer returns, cheerful as ever ]
Fashion Designer: Hat’s all, folks!
[ they all share the laugh, as Sylvia shoves pepper down her throat ]
[ dissolve to New York Post headline: “Pope: ‘You Go, Trish!'” ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 36: Episode 1
Maternity Matters
Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Leonard…..Bill HaderKanya Donahue…..Kristen Wiig
Terry Facials…..Amy Poehler
John Joseph Darapont…..Andy Samberg
Sheila Whitehead…..Abby Elliott
[ open on program montage ]
Announcer: You’re watching “Maternity Matters”, with Dr. Christine Kurant. The show that addresses all of the questions about being an expectant mother. Dr. Christine is a licensed obstetrician, and a mother of three. And now, please welcome Dr. Christine Kurant.
[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]
Roger Brush: Uh… Dr. Kurant is sick. I’m her producer, Roger Brush. Dr. Kurant’s husband called and said she got sick on the way over here, and let’s just say they had to throw her underwear out at the A&P! Anyway, I said, “Take the whole week off, I’ll cover the show.” So, uh, I’m going to do the best I can to answer all your questions? Alright? Uh, let’s go to the audience.
Leonard: This is Kanya Donahue, she’s six months pregnant.
Kanya Donahue: [ nervous ] Hello, um — I wanted to know, is it normal for your nipples to change color?
Roger Brush: [ incredulous ] Your what changed color?!
Kanya Donahue: Um… my — my nipples.
Roger Brush: Yeah, I-I can’t hear you, sweetheart. You’re mumbling.
Kanya Donahue: My nipples.
Roger Brush: Pineapples? You sound like you’re talking to a sponge. What?
Kanya Donahue: [ shouting ] I HAVE VERY DARK NIPPLES!!
Roger Brush: Oh. Oh boy, alright, I gotcha. Here’s what you do: Why don’t you wear two bras, one of top of the other. You know, layer them? That way, if someone’s trying to get in there, you have time, you know, to warn them.
Kanya Donahue: [ bewildered ] What?! What are you talking about?!
Roger Brush: Wha..? Honey, you asked me what I thought! You know, I give you my honest opinion, and you decide you want to be a real handful! I don’t know what to tell ya’! You wanna walk around looking like you got two big chocolate chips in your shirt pockets, knock yourself out!! Let’s go to the next person! Who do we got?
[ Kanya steps aside, as Terry Facials comes forward ]
Leonard: This is Terry Facials. She has a real interesting question.
Terry Facials: Hi. I’m due in six weeks —
Roger Brush: Yeah, speak up, sweetie!
Terry Facials: And, um, I don’t know how to put this.
Roger Brush: Honey! You gotta get LOUD!
Terry Facials: I just don’t — I don’t feel attractive, and I want to feel attractive.
Roger Brush: You wanna feel what?!
Terry Facials: A-attractive. I want to feel attractive.
Roger Brush: [ confused ] For what?
Terry Facials: I don’t know. I just — I want to feel pretty.
Roger Brush: WHY?! Where you going? You going on a date?!
Terry Facials: Nooo. I don’t — it’s just important to me.
Roger Brush: Okay, I don’t know! You know, why don’t you get a flowery dress, put on a bunch of make-up, walk into your husband’s room and say, “I’m sorry, honey — this is what you get!”
Terry Facials: [ speechless ] That’s incredibly rude.
Roger Brush: Which part?
Terry Facials: Dr. Kurant would NEVER tell someone to do that!
Roger Brush: Well, then what are you coming to ME for?! YOU put me on the spot!! You don’t like what I have to say, then just DROP IT!! Don’t drag me down with YOU! I got problems of my own to deal with! You should see my WATER BILL! I gotta call them! Now, who’s next?
[ Terry steps aside, as John comes forward ]
Leonard: This is John Joseph Darapont, and his wife is eight months pregnant.
John Joseph Darapont: Hi, Roger, hi.
Roger Brush: Yeah, finally, right?
John Joseph Darapont: Uh — my wife is in her third trimester, and I was wondering if it’s okay to have sex with her?
Roger Brush: [ disgusted ] What?! That’s gross. Think about your kid! Is that the first thing you want him to see?! Who’s next?!
[ John is speechless, and steps aside as Sheila W comes forward ]
Leonard: This is Sheila Whitehead, she’s in her sixth month.
Roger Brush: Okay, so what’s your deal?
Sheila Whitehead: Um — I noticed that ever since I got pregnant, I’ve had a lot of flatulence.
Roger Brush: What’s that? You were in “Flashdance”?
Sheila Whitehead: No. Flatulence! Gas!
Roger Brush: Tony, what’s going on with the sound? Turn her mike up all the way so I can hear her! Say it!
Sheila Whitehead: [ louder ] I have gas!
Roger Brush: Uh, I don’t like hearing that at all. I want to say this to everyone here: You guys, learn your manners and be polite! Okay?
Sheila Whitehead: Come on, Mr. Brush, she has a serious problem!
Roger Brush: You know who else has a seriou problem? The people sitting behind her. Right, ladies?
Sheila Whitehead: You’re not helping me!
Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what you want me to tell ya’! You know? Why don’t you just rope off an area of your house and STAY there! God! Who’s next?
[ Sheila steps aside ]
Leonard: No one else wants to go.
Roger Brush: Okay, good! Well, when we come back, Nurse Somers is gonna show us how to use a breast pump! [ he grimaces ] Count me out!
[ cut to program montage ]
[ fade ]