Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Save the Funnies

Dick Tracy…..Jason Sudeikis
Hagar the Horrible…..Seth Rogen
Helga…..Casey Wilson
Archie…..Bill Hader
Veronica…..Abby Elliott
Jon…..Will Forte
Garfield…..Bobby Moynihan
Columnist…..Kenan Thompson
Jumble Maker…..Darrell Hammond
Cathy…..Andy Samberg
Far Side Woman…..Paula Pell
Political Cartoon…..
Peppermint Patty…..Kristen Wiig
Marcy…..Michaela Watkins
Sudoku…..Fred Armisen

[ various headlines appear on screen:

CHICAGO SUN-TIMES FILES CHAPTER 11

NEWSPAPER INDUSTRY IN CRISIS

SEATTLE DAILY PAPER FOLDS ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Marriott New York Marquis ]

[ dissolve to ballroom area, where Dick Tracy leads a meeting of comics page characters ]

Dick Tracy: Alright. Okay. If I could have your attention, please? I’m Dick Tracy, and I’ve called this meeting because newspapers are in trouble! That’s why we’re all here. Now, I’m gonna open up the floor to suggestions, but first I want to thank Hagar the Horrible and his wife Helga for catering this event.

Hagar the Horrible: Helga’s on a SEAFOOD diet — she SEES food, and she EATS it!

Helga: I’ll tell you where Hagar’s really horrible — IN BED!!

Dick Tracy: [ reeling ] Wow. I can already tell the open bar was a mistake. Okay. Alright, now who’s got solutions? Archie and Veronica.

Archie: I know how we can raise money to save newspapers! We’ll get a PAPER ROUTE!

Veronica: Yeah!

Dick Tracy: Archie? Archie, you’re an idiot. A DUMB idiot!

Jon: Sorry to interrupt, uh — we’d just like to thank everybody here for agreeing to move this to a Tuesday.

Garfield: [ eating lasagna ] Yeah. I HATE Mondays!

Dick Tracy: [ he chuckles ] Ah, that’s no problem. Thanks for coming, Heathcliff.

[ Garfield throws down his fork ]

Garfield: Excuse me?! [ he stands ]

Dick Tracy: I-I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Garfield! It’s an honest mistake!

Garfield: You think every orange cat is the same?! That’s RACIST!

Dick Tracy: Well, no! Hey — no, no, no! That’s ridiculous! No! No! Dick Tracy is NOT a racist, okay? Who else? [ looks around, points ] Let’s see. Guy from Boondocks!

[ cut to befuddled Black Man in the back of the room ]

Coulmnist: I’m not from the Boondocks!

Dick Tracy: [ shakes his head ] No? Jump Start?

Coulmnist: [ peeved ] I write the BRIDGE column!

[ the room sounds their recognition ]

Dick Tracy: Okay, okay! Alright, okay, come on, people, let’s go! We’re up against iPods and TV and the Internet… I mean, somebody has to have some cutting-edge solutions, alright? [ points ] Okay, you! You! Who are you?

Jumble Maker: I make the Jumbles.

Dick Tracy: Oof! Uhhh… okay. I don’t think you can help us.

Jumble Maker: KCUF you!

Dick Tracy: What?

Jumble Maker: Jumble it.

Dick Tracy: [ thinking ] Hey! Hey! Easy!

[ Cathy enters ]

Cathy: Hey, sorry I’m late! I had a HOT DATE — with my TV GUIDE! Sweat drops! Whirly lines! Aaacckk!!

Dick Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh, man! Whoo! Cathy… Cathy… we’re trying to think of ways to save our strips.

Cathy: Hey, don’t look at me — I don’t have a strip! Mine’s so overgrown, it looks like the AMAZON RAINFOREST!!

[ the room is effectively grossed out ]

Dick Tracy: Ack! Eughh! [ Cathy steps down ] Okay, guys, look — we’ve been here for, like, fifty panels! We need an idea that makes sense, alright? [ points ] Uh — Far Side!

[ cut to Far Side Woman at the back of the room; she just stands there in a beehive hairdo holding a butterfly net ]

Dick Tracy: Never mind. Okay, uh — Political Cartoon!

[ cut to Political Cartoon, a guy dressed as a convict with “AIG” on his chest and holding a bag marked “BONUSES”; he swirls his fingers. ]

Dick Tracy: Very subtle. Very good. Uh, what about the crew from Peanuts? Peppermint Patty? Marcy?

[ cut to Peppermint Patty and Marcy kissing heavily ]

Dick Tracy: Hey, now!

Peppermint Patty: What?!

Dick Tracy: Look, now, I-I-I-I-I always assumed… but… you know..?

Peppermint Patty: Good grief, Chuck! It’s 2009!

Marcy: You tell them, Sir!

Dick Tracy: Okay. Okay. Look, alright, fine.

[ Peppermint Patty and Marcy resume their game of tonsil hockey ]

Dick Tracy: Fine, fine, fine! Okay, I give up! Alright? There’s nothing we can do!

[ suddenly, smoke fills the room, as a wizard holding a Sudoku board enters ]

Dick Tracy: Who are you?!

Sudoku: I am the one who can save you! I am the one you call… SUDOKU!!

[ the room oohs and ahhs ]

Sudoku: People will buy your funny pages to solve my ancient puzzle!

Dick Tracy: [ thinking ] Wait… I mean, it’s just moving numbers around, right?

Sudoku: [ he laughs uproariously ] SU-DO-KU!!

Dick Tracy: Alright, we’re back in business, gang! Yeah!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Goodnights

…..Seth Rogen
…..Phoenix

Seth Rogen: I want to thank Phoenix for coming. I want to thank Lorne, and the cast… and, uh, my family and friends — thanks for coming, thank you! And, uh, once again, guys… give it up for Phoenix!

[ the camera pans over to Phoenix on the musical guest stage, as the credits begin to roll ]

Phoenix: [ singing ]
“Baby, when I saw you turning at the end of the street
I knew a time was gone and it took me like ages
Just to understand that I was afraid to be a simple guy
I tried my best to smile, but deep inside my heart
I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing
I guess I couldn’t live without the things that made my life what it is.

Can’t you hear it calling, oh yeah
Everybody’s dancin’, oh yeah
Tonight, everything is over
I feel too young.

I can’t lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong
But when that feeling calls, this world becomes another
Nighttime won’t hold me in your arms again
I got a very good friend who says he can’t believe the love I give…”

[ the credits cut off ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Seth Rogen’s Monologue

…..Seth Rogen
Audience Member 1…..Kristen Wiig
Audience Member 2…..Jason Sudeikis
Audience Member 3…..Bill Hader
Audience Member 4…..Bobby Moynihan
Babe…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Seth Rogen!

Seth Rogen: Thank you! Thank you very much! It is GREAT to be back here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m really excited — I have a new movie coming out called “Observe and Report”. It’s a really funny movie about a mall cop.

Uh, this is my second time hosting, and it’s really — it’s amazing how different things are since I was here last. Uh, for one thing… I lost about one million pounds. [ the audience laughs and cheers ] Another thing is, I feel way more prepared this time. I learned so much since the last time I hosted. Like, for instance: now I know that the head guy’s name is pronounced “Lorne”. Not “Lauren”, or “Laura”. Because those are girl’s names. “Lorne”, on the other hand, is a man’s name. A very normal man’s name.

What else? Oh! Uh, here’s something different. Um — the first time you host, the writers spend a LOT of time working on your monologue. The second time, they get lazy and they tell you to take questions from the audience. So, here we go. [ points to an audience member ] Yes? Uh… you.

Audience Member 1: Hi. Uh, I just want to say I think you look great.

Seth Rogen: Thanks! Thank you! Thank you so much!

Audience Member 1: Did you lose all of that weight after you shot “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”?

Seth Rogen: Uh… I was not in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”.

Audience Member 1: Oh. I thought you said you were in a mall cop comedy?

Seth Rogen: I am, uh… it’s a completely different mall cop movie.

Audience Member 1: You’re in a second mall cop movie? [ she laughs ] Okay! Good luck with that!

Seth Rogen: Thank you very much…

Audience Member 2: Hey, over here!

Seth Rogen: Yes. Uh… you?

Audience Member 2: Yeah, I just want to start out by saying that I’m really excited to see you in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”!

Seth Rogen: [ he laughs ] That’s great, but, like I said, I’m not in “Paul Blart: Mall Cop”!

Audience Member 2: Yeah, I know.

Seth Rogen: [ befuddled ] You have a question?

Audience Member 2: No. [ he sits ]

Audience Member 3: [ a pizza delivery guy ] Hey, man! You remember me?

Seth Rogen: Yeah! Actually, I do! You look familiar, man!

Audience Member 3: The delivery guy who used to bring you pizza every night?

Seth Rogen: Oh! yeah, yeah! How’s it going, man?

Audience Member 3: Bad! It’s going bad! I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re in the middle of a recession! Not a good time for your best customer to decide to get healthy!

Seth Rogen: Oh. Um… I’m really sorry, man. But what do you want me to do about that?

Audience Member 3: Bailout! I want you to pay me for what you would have spent this month.

Seth Rogen: Okay… fine. How much is that?

Audience Member 3: $3,500.

Seth Rogen: [ bewildered ] $3,500 for pizza?!

Audience Member 3: I’m also your WEED dealer.

Seth Rogen: [ siganls him to “cool out” ] Okay! Okay, I’ll give you that. I’ll give you that after the show.

Audience Member 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Slim.

Seth Rogen: Alright, so… I guess not everyone is happy I lost the weight!

Audience Member 4: Yeah, I’ll say!

Seth Rogen: [ amused ] Who are you?

Audience Member 4: Hi, uh, my name is, uh, Matt Bankford. I used to tell girls I was Seth Rogen, in effort to sleep with them! Okay? But, now, I can’t do that! ‘Cuase now, when I tell girl I am Seth Rogen, she says, “You CAN’T be Seth Rogen! You’re TOO FAT!!” And what exactly did I do to deserve that kind of cruelty?

Seth Rogen: Uh, I’ll tell you: you lied about your identity to sleep with women. So…

Audience Member 4: Touche.

Seth Rogen: Yeah!

Audience Member 4: [ he sits next to an attractive babe ] Hey! What’s your name?

Babe: Lisa.

Audience Member 4: Hi! I’m Se– [ stops, reconsiders ] I’m Jonah Hill. [ he slyly wraps his around her ]

Seth Rogen: Well, I’m glad to see that he landed on his feet. And I’m glad to be back. Phoenix is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Amazon.com Widgets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Muppets Hit & Run

Beaker…..Kristen Wiig
Swedish Chef…..Andy Samberg
Animal…..Bill Hader
Janice…..Michaela Watkins
Zoot…..Fred Armisen
Fozzy Bear…..Jason Sudeikis
Gonzo…..Bobby Moynihan
Kermit the Frog…..Will Forte
Rolf…..Seth Rogen
Policeman…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, scene of the bus traveling down the road in “The Muppet Movie” ]

[ dissolve to interior of bus, with Beaker, Swedish Chef, Animal, Janice, Zoot, Fozzy Bear, Gonzo, Kermit the Frog, and Rolf singing “Movin’ Right Along” ]

Rolf: Great song, gang!

Swedish Chef: Borgie borg!

Kermit the Frog: You said it, Chef!

Gonzo: Friends, fun, and song — that’s what it’s all about!

[ Animal gets excited in the background ]

Rolf: Animal! Calm down back there!

Kermit the Frog: Oh, Rolf! Look out!

[ Rolf jerks the wheel, causing the bus to bounce as it rolls over a body. Everyone is shell-shocked ]

Gonzo: Oh, my God! I — I think we hit someone!

Rolf: No… no. Weeeee didn’t hit, uh, anything!

Kermit the Frog: Uh, Rolf? We should stop.

Rolf: [ shaking his head ] Nope! We’re not stopping!

Gonzo: There’s blood all over the hood!

[ Animal panics in the background ]

Janice: Yeah. I’m freakin’ out, here.

[ a police siren sounds in the background ]

Kermit the Frog: Oh, no! It’s the fuzz! I — I told you we shuld have stopped.

Rolf: Listen, Kermit — go play your banjo! I’ve got this!

Kermit the Frog: Fine. But you’re taking the hit,

Fozzy Bear: Wow, Kermit! You really “threw him under the bus” on that one! Wacka-wacka-wacka!

Gonzo: Too soon, Fozzy.

[ Animal gets excited in the background, as Rolf pulls over ]

Rolf: Okay! It’s crunch time, gang! Does anyone have anything illegal on them?

[ Animal lifts a pile of dynamite and a bag of cocaine ]

Animal: Boom boom, sniff sniff!

Fozzy Bear: [ lifts a large screw ] We’re screwed, ha haaa!

[ Beaker panics in the background ]

Gonzo: Aw, man! Beaker’s freaking out!

[ the Swedish Chef tries to calm Beaker down to no avail, so he slaps him across the face ]

Sweish Chef: Smorgie… smorg!

[ Beaker relaxes ]

Rolf: He’s coming! Listen up! THIS is what went down: We were singing and being friends. That’s it! Nothing happened! Got it?Everyone: GOT IT!!!

Rolf: Good! Act natural!

[ everyone assumes a natural pose, as a policeman played by Nipsey Russell enters the bus ]

Policeman: Well, well, well! If it isn’t the Muppets!

EVeryone: NIPSEY RUSSELL!!

Policeman: [ reciting ] “There once was a bus full of creatures –“

[ a shot rings out; the policeman doubles over ]

Policeman: OW!!

[ everyone looks up to discover that Zoot is holding a shotgun ]

Policeman: You shot me!

[ the policeman stumbles out of the bus ]

Zoot: If anyone has a problem with what just happened… say it now!

[ everyone hsakes their head no, scared out of their wits ]

Kermit the Frog: Floor it!

[ Rolf peels out ]

Rolf: Well, gang… looks like we’re off to Mexico!

[ everyone breaks into the chorus from the “Muppet Show” theme ]

[ the policeman reappears in the back window, chasing after them. The Muppets scream ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

A Special Address From the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is a Special Address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated in Oval Office replica ]

President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am speaking to you tonight from EUROPE! And, as you’ve probably heard… they all went NUTS for me! [ he smiles with grandiose confidence ] It was almost scary.

But, tonight, I’d like to focus on the… American economy. Earlier this week, my administration issued a major decision regarding the federal bailout of automakers Chrysler and General Motors. We announced that as a condition of future government assistance, Chrsyler must complete its merger with Fiat in the next thirty days. And GM must both replace its CEO, Rick Wagoner, and outline a new plan to achieve solvency within sixty days. Otherwise, all federal funding will be… cut off.

Now, some have suggested that these demands are UNFAIR! They feel that the auto industry is being singled out for PUNISHMENT! And held to a higher standard than other sectors of the U.S. ECONOMY! Not so. Let me assure you, in the days ahead, my administration intends to do to every industry in this country EXACTLY what we are doing to the auto makers! When we’re finished, every corporation in America will have been thoroughly vetted for fiscal soundness! Those judged best able to compete in the global economy will be offered a government subsidy. The others will be asked to seize operations AT ONCE! And go out of business. We hope they will do so voluntarily. If not, they will be shut BY FORCE!

Here are some we’ve decided on so far:

In the category of riding lawnmowers:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19

08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

An SNL Digital Short

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

Interviewer: Mr. Samberg. Thanks for coming to your performance review.

Andy Samberg: No problem.

Interviewer: So you’re in charge around here, is that fair to say?

Andy Samberg: Absolutely, I’m the boss.

Interviewer: Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the boss.

Andy Samberg: Well the first thing I do is…

[ singing ]

“Talk to corporate (like a boss)
Approve memos (like a boss)
Lead a workshop (like a boss)
Remember birthdays (like a boss)
Direct workflow (like a boss)
My own bathroom (like a boss)
Micromanage (like a boss)Promote Synergy (like a boss)
Hit on Debra (like a boss)
Get rejected (like a boss)
Sallow sadness (like a boss)
Send some faxes (like a boss)
Call a sex line (like a boss)
Cry deeply (like a boss)
Demand a refund (like a boss)
Eat a bagel (like a boss)
Harrassment lawsuit (like a boss)
No promotion (like a boss)
Fifth of vodka (like a boss)
Shit on Debra’s desk (like a boss)
Buy a gun (like a boss)
In my mouth (like a boss)
Oh fuck man I can’t fucking do it… shit!
Pussy out (like a boss)
Puke on Debra’s desk (like a boss)
Jump out the window (like a boss)
Suck a dude’s dick (like a boss)
Score some coke (like a boss)
Crash my car (like a boss)
Suck my own dick (like a boss)
Eat some chicken strips (like a boss)
Chop my balls off (like a boss)
Black out in the sewer (like a boss)
Meet a giant fish (like a boss)
Fuck its brains out (like a boss)
Turn into a jet (like a boss)
Bomb the Russians (like a boss)
Crash into the sun (like a boss)
Now I’m dead (like a boss).”

Interviewer: Uh huh. So that’s an average day for you then?

Andy Samberg: No doubt.

Interviewer: You chop your balls off and die?

Andy Samberg: Hell yeah.

Interviewer: And I think at one point there you said something about sucking your own dick.

Andy Samberg: Nope!

Interviewer: Actually I’m pretty sure you did.

Andy Samberg: Nah, that ain’t me.

Interviewer: Okay, well this has been eye opening for me.

Andy Samberg: I’m the boss.

Interviewer: Yeah, no I got that. You said it about four-hundred times.

Andy Samberg: I’m the boss.

Interviewer: Yeah yeah I got it!

Andy Samberg: I’m the boss.

Interviewer: No I heard you, see ya later.

Andy Samberg: LIKE A BOSS!

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

April 11th, 2009

Zac Efron

Yeah Yeah Yeahs

None

None

None

Obama HomecomingSummary: While in Europe, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) outlines which companies he will and will agree to bail out in the future.

Recurring Characters: Joe Biden, President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Zac Efron’s MonologueSummary: Zac Efron thanks his awkward ‘tween fans (Kristen Wiig, Casey Wilson) and an extra-awkward ‘twifty male fan (Fred Armisen).

Transcript

TodaySummary: A hyper Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) continues to harrass Hoda Kotb (Michaela Watkins) when Cody Gifford (Zac Efron) visits the studio.

Recurring Characters: Kathie Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb, Penny Marshall.

GillySummary: Frizzy-haired Gilly (Kristen Wiig) performs pranks and misdemeanors at the Science Fair Finals.

Recurring Characters: Gilly, Mr. Dillon, Sam Jeffers, Liam.

A Message from the Alliance of Direct Mail MarketersSummary: David Pappas (Jason Sudeikis) speaks in favor of unsolicited direct mail advertisements.

Transcript

Underage DrinkingSummary: At the Jolly Trolly, a pair of underage high schoolers (Andy Samberg, Zac Efron) are excited to be a bar that doesn’t card — until they discover the room is filled with young children.

Recurring Characters: Eliot Spitzer.

Transcript

Yeah Yeah Yeahs perform “Zero”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: A couple of gay guys from New Jersey (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) are thrilled to finally be married. Bitchpleeze blogger Angie Tempura (Michael Watkins) disses celebrities but fawns over Zc Efron. The members of opposite band Jon Bovi (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte) think they should have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Recurring Characters: Vinnie, Gay Guy from New Jersey, Angie Tempura, Jon Bovi.

High School Musical 4Summary: Troy Bolton (Zac Efron) informs the Class of ’08 that normal people don’t spontaneously sing out loud in the real world.

Transcript

Since You Went AwaySummary: In a parody of the classic war drama, departing G.I. Francis (Zac Efron) can’t shake his strong-willed girlfriend Emily (Casey Wilson), who is determined to chase his train all the way to Germany.

Transcript

Gino’s Pizza RollsSummary: Manly Norada (Fred Armisen) misinterprets her line while portraying a slighted mom in a Gino’s Pizza Roll commercial.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs perform “Maps”

Foot RubSummary: A teenager (Zac Efron) seeks romantic advice from his older brother (Jason Sudeikis) who lives only to play Guitar Hero and masturbate above the family garage.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20

08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Underage Drinking

Bartender…..Jason Sudeikis
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Zac…..Zac Efron
Waitress…..Casey Wilson
Bouncer…..Kenan Thompson
Officer Williams…..Bobby Moynihan
Eliot Spitzer…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Jolly Trolley ]

[ dissolve to interior, Andy and Zac seated at the bar ]

Bartender: Here you go, fellas… two PBRs. [ stops ] Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait… are you guys 21?

[ Andy and Zac look at one another with great worry, until the Bartender breaks the tension with a smile ]

Bartender: I’m just messin’ with you guys! [ he taps the counter and taps away ]

[ Andy and Zac cltch their beers, then swivel their barstools with surprise in their eyes ]

Zac: Oh… my… God, man! I can’t believe it! We’re actually doing it! We’re in a bar!

Andy: [ sipping his beer ] My brother was right — they NEVER card here! It’s the BEST!

Amazing! We should get EVERYONE to come here after Prom!

Andy: Most definitely!

[ Andy continues to sip his beers, as Zac scans the room ]

Zac: Hey, that’s kinda weird.

Andy: Hmm? What?

Zac: That table over there —

[ cut to the table, where three grade-school kids sit with beer and toys in tow ]

Zac: Those kids look really young.

Andy: [ looking ] Yeah, I guess.

Zac: No, seriously. Look at that table over there.

[ cut to another table, populated by more grade-school kids ]

Andy: Oh, yeah… man… I guess they really don’t card here. [ he chuckles ]

Zac: This is insane. Those kids are… ten years old.

Andy: Dude! Relax! They’re just here to have a good time, like us.

[ suddenly, the three kids at the table drops a shot into their beer mugs and chug it down ]

[ Andy smiles at this, as the Bartender reappears behind them ]

Bartender: Hey, here you go, gangstas. Here’s two shots of Tequila.

Andy: Oh… we didn’t order any shots.

Bartender: Uhhh, no — it’s from the, uh, ladies over there. [ he points ]

[ cut to two grade-school girls smiling and waving at Andy and Zac ]

Andy: Dude! Ni-ice!

Zac: Oh, my God!

Andy: Thank you, ladies!

Bartender: Whoa! Careful, guys. They’re gerbils. [ Andy and Zac are confused ] Yeah, it’s the opposite of cougars. [ he steps away ]

Zac: Dude, uhhh… I think we should get out of here.

Andy: No, dude, it’s GREAT! I mean… the bouncer’s kind of a dick, but I think we should stay.

[ the Bouncer passes by, holding a newborn baby in his hands ]

Bouncer: Listen, man — I done told you several times! Can’t be starting fights in a bar! Ohhhh, don’t give me that look!

Zac: Okay… that’s it, man! I can’t take it, I’m leaving.

Andy: Fine. Gosh, you’re such a drag.

[ they put their beers down and head for the door, as Officer Williams enters ]

Officer Williams: Attention, everyone! I’m Officer Williams, and I need to see everyone’s I.D.! We have reason to suspect that this bar serves alcohol to minors!

Zac: Really? How ever did you get that idea?

Officer Williams: We have a man on the inside!

[ cut to a toddler holding up a badge ]

Officer Williams: Nice work, Detective!

[ suddenly, Eliot Spitzer enters and addresses the camera ]

Eliot Spitzer: Hello! I’m disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer. Underage drinking is a big problem. Maybe not as big as the Wall Street thing, but, come on! It’s something, right? [ he holds his smile ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] Eliot Spitzer. Coming back… one issue at a time.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20

08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Foot Rub

Younger Brother…..Zac Efron
Older Brother…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, above-garage apartment, rock music playing ]

[ dissolve to interior, Younger Brother peeking in as Older Brother jams on his guitar ]

Younger Brother: Hey, bro? You got a minute?

Older Brother: [ looks over ] Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah! Yeah, little bro — I’ve got LOTS of minutes. [ stops playing ] Oh, man, I love Guitar Hero, huh?

Younger Brother: Where’s your X-Box?

Older Brother: Oh, I couldn’t afford one. Yeah. so I just bought the guitar. You know, it’s still fun! [ ] So what brings you up to my loft above the garage, little man?

Younger Brother: Uh… [ he sits ] I need some advice.

Older Brother: Good! Okay. Good, good. Yeah, hit me!

Younger Brother: Um — you know, mom and dad are gone for the weekend —

Older Brother: Mmm-hmm.

Younger Brother: And I, uh, invited Becky over, and, uh —

Older Brother: [ smiles ] Ohhhhkay! Let me guess… let me guess. You gotta borrow some Jimmy hands.

Younger Brother: No. I don’t think that’s gonna be the issue.

Older Brother: Ohh! Okay! Alright, I got it! Yuo never pumped her tire, huh? Huh? Split the uprights, right? I’m gonna show you a, uh, sure-fire way to get your ranch dressing in her hidden valley!

Younger Brother: [ stands to leave ] Aw, forget it!

Older Brother: Wait! No, hey, hey, hey!

Younger Brother: I’ll look for advice online!

Older Brother: No, no, come on! That is the way I talk, alright? I’m not sorry about that — at all! That is ME, 100%! Now, park it! Park it!

Younger Brother: [ he sits ] What do I do?

Older Brother: [ smiles ] You ready? [ a beat ] Foot rub!

Younger Brother: Foot rub?

Older Brother: Yes! Now… there is only one way to learn how to give a great foot rub. And that is by GETTING a great foot rub.

Younger Brother: [ chuckles, stands ] No, thanks!

Older Brother: [ grabs him ] Ohhhh, YES, thanks! Yes, bro, right here! [ he taps the coffee table ] Put your foot right up here. Shoe off — let’s do it! [ Younger brother removes his shoe and puts his foot on the table ] There you go. What is this? [ removes his sock ] Come on, I’m your brother — this isn’t weird! Alright, first off: you gotta start by sanitizing right there, that’s what you gotta do. [ sprays his brother’s foot ]

Younger Brother: Wait — is that Pledge?

Older Brother: Yeah, yeah! Yeah! I mean, it’s a generic brand, but, essentially, yes. Yeah, that’s all that is. [ puts the Pledge down and picks up a t-shirt ] Alright. Now, you just use a t-shirt to dry that off there.

Younger Brother: Why do you keep a crusty t-shirt by the couch?

Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! Alright… alright, next, you want to stimulate the foot. [ picks up a troll-doll pencil ] Ideally, this would be a feather. Okay? You just wanna… [ he tickles the troll-doll along his brother’s foot ]

Younger Brother: [ pulling away ] It tickles, man!

Older Brother: Yeah! I KNOW it tickles! It’s a TROLL DOLL — that’s what they DO! [ drops the troll-doll, picks up baby oil ] Alright, now what you want to do is cut down the friction. Baby oil does the trick. [ he squirts the oil onto his brother’s foot ]

Younger Brother: Why do you keep baby oil next to that crunchy t-shirt?

Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! [ he rubs his brother’s foot with the t-shirt ] Alright, here we go. What you want to do is, you want to cradle the foot like it’s a trophy you just won. [ he cradles his brother’s foot ] You see that? Then you want to work the sides. [ he runs his fingers up his brother’s foot ] Work the rims, just like that. Alright? Work the rims. Do that. Right? right? [ grabs individual toes ] Look at this little piggie… this piggie. Now, you want to do this to “Bat-Man”, the TV show. Ready? [ runs his fingers up his brother’s foot while humming the “Bat-Man” theme ]

Younger Brother: [ pulling away ] Okay, man, I don’t want to DO this any more!

Older Brother: Okay, look — fine! Okay — fine! You don’t want to do this, I understand. You can just spend the rest of your life Yankovic-ing your Weird Al!

Younger Brother: What does that even mean?

Older Brother: Oh, you know EXACTLY what it means! Come on!

Younger Brother: It’s just, my leg’s starting to cramp, man.

Older Brother: Okay! Alright! We’ll just put it a little bit higher, that’s all. [ he picks up a stack of catalogs ] Put it on these catalogues. There you go.

Younger Brother: Why do you have all of those Lane Bryant catalogs.

Older Brother: Don’t worry about it! Don’t worry about it! Okay. Alright. You know what? I know why this feels weird: we haven’t set the mood.

Younger Brother: Yeah, yeah… that’s why this is weird.

Older Brother: Ye-eah! Okay, you know what sets the mood? Some tunes. [ he picks up a remote to turn Heatwave’s “Always and Forever” onto his stereo ] There you go! I’ll just dim the lights… [ he tosses a tennis ball at an offscreen light switch ] There’s that! [ he grabs a match ] Alright… now I’m just gonna light a match really quick.

Younger Brother: [ worried ] Why? Why are you lighting a match?

Older Brother: Because I just farted — don’t worry about it. [ grabs his brother’s foot again ] There you go. Now, right off the bat, what you want to do is make little circles. Just use your thumbs. There you go… there you go. Alright? Just make little circles like “Karate Kid”, right? “Whack on… whack off…” There you go!

Younger Brother: Isn’t it “Wax on… wax off?”

Older Brother: I don’t know — I’ve never seen it. Okay. Alright. Shh. Just pay attention so you can replicate, okay?

[ Older Brother starts singing along to the lyrics, then slowly but systematically raises his younger brother’s foot to his mouth ]

Younger Brother: Stop! What the heck?! Hey! What are you doing, man?! Let go of my foot!! Oh, my God!! Let go of me, man!! HELP!! [ he manages to lean back and thrust his other leg up so as to push his oldr brother off of him ]

Older Brother: Okay!! Okay!! FINE!! [ he turns the lights back on ] Sorry, man! [ he turns the stereo off ] sorry, man — I got in the moment. That was my bad. My bad. Alright? [ he sits ] You want some advice? I’ll give you some really good advice: Just be yourself.

Younger Brother: [ exhausted ] Okay.

Older Brother: Alright.

Younger Brother: Thanks, man…

Older Brother: Okay. Where you going?

Younger Brother: I’m going to WASH my FOOT!!

Older Brother: Makes sense. Makes sense.

Younger Brother: What are you gonna do?

Older Brother: Uhhh — you know, I was thinking about playing some Guitar Hero? But, uh — you know, now that I’ve got the, uh, baby oil, t-shirt, and catalogues out… [ he smacks his knee ] I might og a different way.

[ as the younger brother slinks out of the loft, the older brother turns up the mood music and tosses the tennis ball at the light switch ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20

08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Goodnights

…..Zac Efron

Zac Efron: That’s the show, everybody! Thanks to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs! Thank you, all — thank you, EVERYBODY! Thanks for coming here tonight!

SNL Transcripts