Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11

08k: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West

Blagojevich Hearing

C-SPAN Announcer…..Jim Downey
Christopher Dodd…..Darrell Hammond
Rod Blagojevich…..Jason Sudeikis
Evan Bayh…..Will Forte
Richard Shelby…..Bobby Moynihan
Elizabeth Dole…..Casey WilsonRobert Byrd…..Bill Hader
Patti Blagojevich…..Kristen Wiig

[Open on C-SPAN bumper that reads: “LATER: President Bush Addresses Elementary School Students.”]

C-SPAN Announcer: Later, President Bush attempts to justify his place in history to a group of skeptical third graders. But first [C-SPAN bumper dissolves to another bumper that reads: “NEXT: Governor Blagojevich (D-IL) Testifies Before Senate Banking Committee.”], we take you live to a hearing of the Senate Banking Committee, where Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is about to shake down Congress for money.

[Dissolve to a wide shot of the Senate Banking Committee members, Senator Richard Shelby, Senator Elizabeth Dole, Senator Christopher Dodd, Senator Evan Bayh (though the name plate is misspelled, “Byah”), and Senator Robert C. Byrd, seated as the hearing commences amid the studio audience’s cheering and applause]

Christopher Dodd: Governor Blagojevich, you’ve asked for an opportunity to address this committee today, in order to request your own personal bailout package, which you claim is essential if you are to, quote, “achieve true financial independence and enjoy the lifestyle you’ve always dreamed of,” end quote.

[Cut to Governor Rod Blagojevich, seated across from the Senate Banking Committee panel, nodding]

Rod Blagojevich: F[bleep]in’ A, Senator.

Christopher Dodd: You’re currently facing federal charges for attempting to sell, to the highest bidder, the Illinois Senate seat left vacant by the election of Senator Obama. Why do you feel entitled to a government bailout?

Rod Blagojevich: First of all, Senator, because it was a federal prosecutor who spiked my deal to sell the Senate seat in the first place. And second, because if I don’t get this bailout, I swear to God, I will appoint some psycho motherf[bleep]er who will tear this fr[bleep]in’ place apart! Believe me—I will do it and you will NOT be happy!

Christopher Dodd: Fair enough. The chair recognizes the gentleman from Alabama.

Richard Shelby: Governor Blagojevich, I have looked over your proposal here, and I will agree: it is quite detailed. You have offered to appoint a well-qualified senator chosen by your state legislature, and in return, you asked for the following: $750,000 in cash, your Visa and Discover cards paid, your nephew Mickey appointed head of the Centers for Disease Control, U.S. attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, quote, “whacked,” and—and the leather jacket pictured on page 112 of the October GQ.

Rod Blagojevich: Mm-hmm. That’s right. It’s the one Troy Aikman’s wearing.

Richard Shelby: Well, right off the bat, I can tell you, a couple of these items are going to be difficult.

Rod Blagojevich: Uh-huh. All right. What about an ambassadorship?

Evan Bayh: Uh, excuse me. An ambassadorship?

Rod Blagojevich: Yeah. Like, I don’t know, Turkey.

Evan Bayh: Governor, let’s be clear: you are not going to be named ambassador to Turkey. Uh, right now, that’s one of our most sensitive diplomatic posts.

Rod Blagojevich: [chuckling] Hey, relax [puts up his hands defensively], I’m not actually going to go there. It’s a no-show job.

Evan Bayh: Well, forget it.

Rod Blagojevich: All right, well, in that case, I guess I’ll have to appoint myself to the Senate.

[Everyone on the Senate Banking Committee panel groans, “No!” and “Come on!”]

Rod Blagojevich: Let me—uh, let me ask you guys something. What do senators make these days?

Christopher Dodd: $169,300 a year.

Rod Blagojevich: Fr[bleep]k?! That’s it?!

Christopher Dodd: That’s it.

Rod Blagojevich: With health benefits?

Christopher Dodd: Yes.

Rod Blagojevich: And what about the hours? Do you guys have to come in on Mondays and Fridays?

Elizabeth Dole: I wouldn’t get too deep into this, Governor. I’m fairly certain this body is not going to seat you.

Rod Blagojevich: Really?

Elizabeth Dole: And—and let me add something: In my opinion, you are a disgrace to the state of Illinois. [briefly considers what she just said]: Well, maybe not to Illinois, but you know what I’m sayin’. If you were the governor of any other state, you would be a disgrace to that state.

Rod Blagojevich: [after a brief silence] F[bleep]k you! [a beat]: Hey, would any of you guys be interested in purchasing the actual wedding ring of President Abraham Lincoln? ‘Cuz I got it, and yes, it is for sale–$250 G’s. [slides in a wooden jewelry case and opens it, revealing a skeleton hand with a gold wedding band on the ring finger]: The hand is included…unless, of course, you don’t want the hand.

Robert Byrd: Uh, uh, are we to infer, Governor, this sacred artifact was looted from the tomb of our 16th President on the Illinois State Capital Ground?

Rod Blagojevich: Well, let’s just say that, on completion of the sale, the buyer will receive a certificate of authenticity…along with the videotape to back it up.

Robert Byrd: My God, you’re nothing but a common grave-robber! A body snatcher! A resurrectionist!

Rod Blagojevich: [as he closes the jewelry case] Senator, I did not come here to be called names. Do you want the ring or not?

Robert Byrd: NO, I don’t want the ring!

Rod Blagojevich: Fine, fine. Suit yourselves. I’ve got a buyer in Japan who’s offered two million yen. I just thought it would be nice if the ring stayed here in this country, that’s all. Cowch[bleep]s!

Evan Bayh: Governor, I think what you’re doing is just plain wrong, and I hope you realize two million yen is only about $18,000.

Rod Blagojevich: Really? [realizes he’s been cheated]: That motherf[bleep]er!

[Rod Blagojevich’s wife, Patti, suddenly leans into the frame]

Patti Blagojevich: I wanna be on the board of NASA!

Christopher Dodd: Would security please remove this person?

Rod Blagojevich: No, no, no, Senator, this is my wife, Patti.

Patti Blagojevich: [to Rod] I wanna be on the board of NASA!

Rod Blagojevich: No, sweetie, honey. Look, they’re not gonna. They say you’re not qualified.

Patti Blagojevich: Well, f[bleep]k them! I just got my Class 3 real estate license.

[Cut to a brief reaction shot of Senators Dodd and Bayh watching Patti chew out her husband]

Rod Blagojevich: [covers the microphone at his side] Honey, why don’t you go wait in the car?

Patti Blagojevich: [points at him accusingly] You promised. F[bleep]ker! [leaves. Rod looks slightly embarrassed]

Christopher Dodd: Well, Governor, I think this committee has heard about enough today. Unless you have something more to add, I move we adjourn this hearing.

Rod Blagojevich: Okay, just one thing, Senator. I want to thank the committee for allowing me to testify here today. It really is an impressive setting—this hearing room. And I think we can all agree; it would be a real shame if something were to happen to it.

Christopher Dodd: [not following] What do you mean?

Rod Blagojevich: Oh, you know, like—you know, like a fire or something. These old buildings with the old wiring—they’re always catching fire. If you’re interested, I, uh, I have some friends who can keep an eye on the place when no one’s around. They can also watch your cars, too—$2500 a month.

Evan Bayh: You want the government to pay you extortion money in return for not burning down the U.S. Capitol Building?

Rod Blagojevich: That is what I’m proposing. Yes.

Christopher Dodd: Governor, let me ask you: are you retarded?

Rod Blagojevich: [offended by the question] Hey, hey! First of all, Senator, the correct term is, “developmentally challenged.” And yes, I am mildly developmentally challenged. Though, obviously, it has not affected my performance as governor.

[Cut to Senators Dodd and Bayh, stunned over Blagojevich’s stupid remark]

Rod Blagojevich: But I can see I’m wasting my time here, so you know what? [slides the jewelry case with Abraham Lincoln’s wedding ring inside towards him]: I think I’ll just head over to the Supreme Court, to see if any of those guys are any easier to deal with, instead of you stupid f[bleep]s. [presents a pink parking slip]: So, if you’ll just validate my parking ticket here, I’ll be on my way. And one last thing: Go f[bleep]k yourselves! Also: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Submitted by: Candy Young

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11

08k: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West

Sarcastic Christmas Dinner

Nancy….Casey Wilson
Judith….Kristen Wiig
Phil….Jason Sudeikis
Hugh….Hugh Laurie
Will….Will Forte

(Opens with a shot of a house decorated for Christmas. It is snowing. Cut to a family dinner. There is a tense, miserable atmosphere while they eat in silence)

Nancy: Anyone want another crescent roll? (lifts up basket) Phil? Crescent roll?

Phil: (annoyed he holds up 2 crescent rolls) Look, look.

Hugh: Nancy, stop it.

Nancy: Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.

Judith: Looks like we´re getting a lot of snow tonight.

Will: (offended) What?!

Phil: (dripping sarcasm) Wow, wow!

Nancy: Weather girl over here!

Hugh: (sarcastic) Snow?

Phil: Al Roker, thank you. Who´s 100?

Will: (angry) That´s some helpful information. That is really nice. What´s it gonna be in a week? Is it gonna rain?!

(Judith gets up from the table)

Phil: Judith!! Judith!! Sit DOWN!!!

Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!

Will: SIT DOWN!!!

Phil: Sit down!! Sit down!!

(Judith sits down angrily. Silence)

Nancy: Is anyone ready for dessert?

Hugh: (angry) Well, let see! Scalloped potatoes still on my plate! Green beans still on my plate! Honey baked ham still on my plate! So I´d say no! I´m still eating.

Nancy: So, no?

Hugh: No.

Nancy: No? No?

Judith: He said no.

Nancy: I heard him, I heard him.

(Hateful looks go back and forth between the family members)

Will: Wow, I´ve never had potatoes like this before.

Nancy: (offended) No, uh-uh, uh-uh. It was a tone, it was a tone.

Will: What did I say?!

Phil: (uncomfortable to Hugh) Can you please move over a little?!

Hugh: No, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh… no!

(That talk over each other, a cacophony of “No”´s and “uh-uh”´s)

(Judith has enough. She gets up from the table to leave and the family explodes on her once more)

Phil: JUDITH!! JUDITH!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!

Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!

Will: SIT DOWN!!!

(Judith sits down enraged. Silence)

Nancy: Anyone need more wine?

(Everyone raises their glasses hungrily for wine)

Will: Yes!

Hugh: Yes!

Judith: Yes!

Phil: Yes! Red wine, please!

Hugh: (drinks) Ah, mother´s milk.

Phil: Oh, shut up! Shut up!

Hugh: What?! What?! What?! I say it once a year! Once a year!

Nancy: You know what?! F Christmas! F you! F you! F you! F you, Judith!

Judith: Oh, F you too. (Judith gets up from the table again)

Phil: Judith!! SIT DOWN!! SIT DOWN!!!

Hugh: SIT DOWN!!!

Will: SIT DOWN!!! SIT DOWN!!!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!!!

Phil: SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN!!!

(Judith sits down fuming)

Nancy: Another Christmas is ruined! You know, this is worse than the cruise! Merry F´ing Christmas! YOU KNOW WHAT?!

Hugh: DAMN I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IT!!!!

(Silence. Hugh gets up and stares out the window)

Hugh: (sweetly) Silent night….holy night….all is calm…

Nancy and Judith: All is calm….

Hugh: All is bright….

Nancy and Judith: All is bright….

(Everyone stands up and hug one another while they sing with love)

Everyone: Round yon virgin, mother and child….holy infant, so tender and mild…sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Hugh: (angry) Ok, I wanted to sing the piece on my own!

(Family resume angry fighting, Judith finally leaves the table and the family call angrily after her)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11

08k: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West

Goodnights

…..Hugh Laurie

[ open on Hugh Laurie standing onstage with the cast. He covers his ear in confusion. ]

Hugh Laurie: Am I on now?

[ Kanye West suddenly jumps up to join them onstage ]

Hugh Laurie: [ waving his arms ] That’s it! That’s it! I’ve had a fantastic time, I hope you’ve enjoyed it! Thanks to Kanye West! Maya Rudolph! Goodbye and good luck to Amy Poehler! Thanks to all of you! Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11

08k: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West

Hugh Laurie’s Monologue

…..Hugh Laurie

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Hugh Laurie!

Hugh Laurie: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, boys and girls… Sweetcheeks, thank you so much. You know, it’s wonderful to be back here, uh, on the show. It’s also wonderful to be back in the great city of New York. Especially — I have to tell you — at this time of year, because New York, at Christmas, is truly a magical place. Uhhh — on Thursday, for example, I had an amazing Christmas-y experience here in New York. It was straight out of Charles Dickens — I had my pocket picked. Um, this little chap grabbed my wallet and he disappeared into the crowd. I tried following him, but, uh, weirdly, the crowd started doing this very complicated dance routine. So… I lost him. That’s a sort of “Oliver Twist” joke — never mind! It was a nuisance because the wallet had, you know, the driver’s license, credit cards… and $65,000 in cash. I just pray that I’m covered.

Uhhh — besides being the Christmas show, this is also, of course, the last show of 2008. [ the audience applauds ] And what an amazing year it’s been. On the plus side: you’ve had the most exciting election in the history of American politics. [ the audience screams and cheers ] Of course, on the minus side: everything else. In fact, I suppose, for half of you, even the election was a bit of a downer.

Um… you know, but let’s put all of that behind us, because… this is a time for giving. And, in the spirit of giving, I asked if I could give, tonight, each member of the audience… a present. [ the audience cheers their approval ] A little bit like Oprah. Not too much. Uhh — and they said NO! They just said NO! I sid, “Uhhh, not even a tiny, cheap one?” And they said NO! And I said, “Well, then what about one nice one? To just one member of the audience?” They said NO! I said, “What –?” And they said, “SHUT UP!” And they said, “You can give ONE tiny, cheap one… to one member of the audience.” [ the audience cheers as a stagehand brings a huge gift-wrapped bag to Laurie ] So, on behalf of “Saturday Night Live”, I would like to give… [ reaches into bag, pulls out tiny object ] this chapstick… to uh… [ looks among the audience ] to… you, Madam. [ he hands the chapstick to a woman in the audience ] So… it’s hardly used… A very Merry Christmas to you.

Woman: Thank you!

Hugh Laurie: Could you give me the bow back, please?

[ he pulls the bow off the chapstick and deposits it back into the gift bag ]

Never mind the recession. Christmas is Christmas! [ he grabs a microphone ] Alright? We must embrace the joy of the season. So, with your kind indulgence… I would like to begin the show — as I like to begin every show that I’m hosting this evening — with a medley of classic Christmas songs. [ the audience cheers ] No, wait — there’s a catch. I should explain — uh — that if you sing more that three seconds of any song… you have to pay royalties on the whole thing. Uh — yeah. Anyway, here it is. Merry Christmas!

[singing ]

“I’m dreaming of a white Chri–

You’ll never find shee–

Rudolph the Red–

So this is Christma–

The weather outside–

Bom ba ba bom bom–

I’m gonna make you–

Chestnutssss.”

[ he shrugs ]

We have a great show tonight! T.I. is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11

08k: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West

Kanye West performs “Love Lockdown”

…..Hugh Laurie
…..Kanye West

Hugh Laurie: Ladies and gentlemen — Kanye West.

Kanye West: [ singing ]
“I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I’m in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
So ya never know, never never know
Never know enough, ’til it’s over love
‘Til we lose control, system overload
Screamin’ no no no, no no
I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to
See I wanna move, but can’t escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else don’t have to know

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose

I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to
I can’t keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move
I can’t keep myself, and still keep you too
So I keep in mind, when I’m on my own
Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
How many times did I take ’til I finally got through
you lose, you lose
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to move
No more wastin’ time, you can’t wait for life
which is wastin’ time, where’s the finish line

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
You keep ya love locked down, you lose

I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
I met no one new, I got no one new
I know I said I’m through, but got love for you
But I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to
Gotta keep it goin’, keep the lovin’ goin’
Keep it on a roll, only God knows
If I be with you, baby I’m confused
You choose, you choose
I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to
Where I want to go, I don’t need you
I’ve been down this road, too many times before
I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, you lose
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
If you keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, you lose.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11

08k: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West

An SNL Digital Short

Marcus….Fred Armisen
Tom….Hugh Laurie
Lisa….Michaela Watkins
Employee 1….Jason Sudeikis
Employee 2….Bobby Moynihan
Employee 3….Will Forte
Employee 4….Abby Elliott
Employee 5….Kenan Thompson

(Opens with an office meeting. Some employees sitting in a conference room. Tom is the boos, he stands at the head of the table. A gloomy mood is in the room)

Tom: (worried) Good afternoon everyone. You´ve been working extra hard these past months. Appreciate you coming in. There´s coffee and the….Philadelphia branch sent over cookies, so help yourselves…

Employee 1: Tom, what´s all this about? We´re hearing a lot of rumors about layoffs.

Lisa: Yeah, I got an e-mail. It freaked me out a little.

Tom: Yeah, well there´s gonna be some serious changes starting tomorrow.

(Marcus is on the opposite of the table but he reaches to the plate of cookies, almost laying his whole body on the table to get them, eats cookie)

Employee 1: How serious are we talking here?

Tom: I´m hearing they might be shutting down whole departments.

Employee 1: I knew it, I knew it.

Employee 2: I told you, I told you.

Marcus: Oh, awesome. Sorry. (reaches for more cookies)

Lisa: Tom, what about us? Are we going to lose our jobs?

Tom: I don´t know, Lisa. This whole year is full of surprises.

Employee 3: Oh, man. The holidays are coming up.

Employee 2: The worst were to happen, we still get a severance package, right?

Tom: Of course, well, I mean I´m assuming so.

Marcus: (eating cookies, like nothing is happening) Um, my last one. Don´t tell my trainer, he´s gonna kill me. Our little cookie secret.

Employee 3: I don´t understand how they could not give us 3 weeks notice.

Marcus: Yes.

Employee 1: Yeah, tell me about it. Is that asking too much?

Tom: I know, I know. Its been tough on me too, guys.

Marcus: Sorry, guys. (Laying across the table to get the cookies) I´m a cookie mouse.

Tom: Marcus, you want to move the cookie tray to you? Would that make it easier?

Marcus: No. I´m done. But somebody should arrest this cookie company for cookie-cide.

Employee 2: I can´t believe this is happening.

Tom: I´m sorry everybody. This whole nightmare just landed on my desk this morning.

Employee 4: Not your fault. Everyone is going through it.

Marcus:(taking more cookies) Is anyone gonna have this? The butter strippy ones…

Tom:(upset) Marcus!

Marcus: Uh-huh?

Tom: You may want to pay attention to what´s going on! Your department, Internet sales, is one of our biggest expenses!

Marcus: I wish I could stop. Should put a security guard for cookie patrol. (eats cookie)

Employee 1: Marcus, enough! You understand the gravity of what´s going on here?

Lisa: Will you stop pretending you can´t control yourself? Just eat the damn cookies!

Marcus:(settles in the middle of the table) Don´t have to tell me twice.(eats cookies) Its got almonds in it, that one. (the group watches in disbelief) I think its dark chocolate. (eats more cookies) I´m bad. Gonna have to take me to cookie court. Guilty as charged, your honor. Cookie crimes.(bites into cookie) Oh, orange peel, orange peel. There´s ginger in it too.

(Another employee enters the conference room)

Employee 5: Afternoon. (looks at Marcus on the table eating cookies) Are you eating those cookies?

Marcus: Yeah. Is there a problem?

Employee 5: Well, they´re a prototype from the Gogolex Corporation. They´re not cookies at all. They´re stool softeners.

Marcus: I have a question. Which is closer, the men´s room or the ladies?

Employee 1: Get out this way, get out this way. (points towards door)

(Marcus leaves but turns and takes one last cookie before leaving again)

Marcus: Excuse me.

(Conference room is silent for a few seconds, employee 1´s hand slowly creeps towards the plate of cookies)

(screen goes black)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 11

08k: Hugh Laurie / Kanye West

Wedding Toasts

Emcee….Jason Sudeikis
Aunt Jonie….Michaela Watkins
David Culhane….Andy Samberg
Tina Culhane….Abby Elliott
Bob Kemp….Hugh Laurie
Gayle….Kristen Wiig
Ex-Boyfriend….Fred Armisen
Friend of a cousin….Will Forte
Obnoxious guy….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a sign announcing a wedding. Banquet Hall B. Culhane Wedding. Cut to the wedding. A 50 ish woman with thick eyeglasses makes a toast to the newly married couple Tina and David)

Aunt Jonie: (mic in hand) …and I know you just think of me as your crazy aunt Jonie, heh! But I just, I just wanna say that David and Tina, I´m so happy that you have found each other because you deserve nothing but happiness. And I love you guys. (raises glass)

All: Awwwwww.

(Emcee is a young guy in a tuxedo)

Emcee: (gets the mic back) That´s very nice. Very, very nice. All right, we have had a long, long night of toasts that seems like everyone had something to say, tonight. But we´re gonna move on and now its time to get up and boogie. So we´re gonna– (a man with unkempt hair and a cheap suit whispers on the emcee´s ear) Oh, what did you say? (more whispering) Absolutely, sure. Yes, ok, one last toast. Final toast, here we go.

(Emcee gives the mic to Bob)

Bob Kemp: I´m sure a lot of you know me. I´m Bob Kemp. I have been friends with Tina´s dad for, uh, how long has it been? Gus? How long has it been? Nick? How long has it been? How long has it been? Steven? Kevin? How long has it been? How long has it been? I´ll be back.

(gives mic to the emcee)

Emcee: Ok, all right. That was great. Ok,(a young long-haired dude steps up to the emcee) Last toast, last toast.(gives the guy the mic)

Ex-boyfriend: Yeah. So, Tina look, we ended bad. Yes, that´s right, ex-boyfriend to the bride at the wedding! Congratulations. David seems to have a lot of money. You know, uh, Tina I was thinking about the last time we had sex. Something wasn´t right. I don´t mean physically, physically… physically was great. (newlyweds are uncomfortable) So passionate, so glorious, so inventive. It was always great. We never had a problem in that department. But we´ve all moved on. I moved on and sure I still think about you when I make love and I´m sure you do too. So, uh, have fun.

(Ex gives mic back to emcee)

Emcee: Ok, great. There we go, wow, ok so…the toasts are now officially—(a woman with an oxygen tank and tubes down her nose goes to the emcee) Hi.

(emcee gives her the mic)

Gayle: Hey. (breaths heavy into the mic) My name is Gayle. The boss of the groom. I was not invited to this wedding and I do not have a ride home. In fact if anyone has a car that will fit me and my oxygen tank, we´re in business. Ugh, I have to pee so bad! I gotta end this speech now.

(hands back mic to emcee)

Emcee: Ok, great. All right, ok, thank you Gayle. Ok, so now its time to go dancing…(Bob comes back) Yeah, ok sure. This is it. No more after this. (emcee gives him the mic)

Bob Kemp: Ok, I think I figured it out. I believe Tina´s dad and me been friends for 32 years. I came to this number because I had a Corvette for 1967, 1968. Then I got a Datsun, I must´ve had that Datsun until…let´s say 1974. (emcee walks behind him desperate, hands in his head) Then came the Fiat, well anyway, I met Dave in between the Datsun and the Corvette. No, it was before the Corvette. Or was it the beetle? Ok, I´ll be back.

(Emcee gets the mic, losing patience)

Emcee: Ok, uh, all right. Thank you. Ok, now we only got 15 minutes left to dance…(a guy snatches the mic off the emcee´s hands)

Obnoxious guy: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-at?! (drops mic to the floor, causing feedback, walks away)

(emcee picks mic up)

Emcee: What the hell is that? Sorry about that. I don´t know who that is. (a guy with blond hair and silver sunglasses walks up to the emcee) Oh, (whispers to the guy) You´re killing me, you´re killing me. Ok, here we go. Final one.

(emcee gives him the mic)

Friend of a cousin: I´m a friend of a cousin. This is such a great, great time for love. Why wouldn´t it be? It´s winter time. Chestnuts are roasting as they say. Its also the dawn of a new political era. And I think a great mistake´s been made with this Obama. But love endures, love heals, love will help tamper the effects of putting a black man in Office. Love abides, love abides. To the two of you, a great couple. A great white couple. I wish you the best. I wish you put simply, love.

(emcee close by to end it)

Emcee: Love, love. All right.

(Bob gets the mic back. Emcee is furious with himself)

Bob Kemp: Ok, I got it, I got it. It was 27 years, cause I wasn´t factoring in my Dodge Aztec. Which reminded me that I had a Chrysler Le Baron at one point. Which when I look back at all the cars, it is probably the most reliable car I have ever owned. Yeah. So, here´s to the couple. From someone whose been married 7 times. Let me tell you. Keep your books separate.

(Emcee gets the mic back)

Emcee: Ok, great. Ok everybody. Get up now, we´re going over to the dance floor. Time to boogie.

(Gayle approaches the emcee)

Gayle: Can I say one more thing?

Emcee: No, no, no, no. Hit it, DJ!

(Techno music plays)

Gayle: There´s a BODY in the bathroom!!

Emcee: What?!

(Gayle dances weakly, guests get ready to leave)

(cheers and applause)

(Fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

January 10th, 2009

Neil Patrick Harris

Taylor Swift

None

Liza Minnelli

None

The Rachel Maddow ShowSummary: Rachel Maddow (Abby Elliott) interviews disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (Jason Sudekis) and his Sente appointee, Roland Burris (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Rod Blagojevich.

Transcript

Montage

Neil Patrick Harris’ MonologueSummary: Neil Patrick Harris makes a point-for-point criticism of former child star Fred Savage’s SNL hosting stint in 1990, and is then made the object of poorly-constructed jokes by a group of goofy audience members (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Bobby Moyhnihan) and Mark Wahlberg (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: Mark Wahlberg.

Transcript

TodaySummary: The fourth and final hour of “Today” is a train wreck, as co-hosted by chatty Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) and an insufferable Hoda Kotb (Michaela Watkins). Tensions build when they welcom a fitness instructor (Neil Patrick Harris) to the set.

Recurring Characters: Kathie Lee Gifford.

Save BroadwaySummary: At Sardi’s, a group of Broadway performers struggle to find a way to keep the faltering economy from preventing the cancellation of their long-running stage shows.

Transcript

PenelopeSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups the other members of a gropu therapy session by bragging of her close friendship with Liza Minnelli.

Recurring Characters: Penelope, Lou.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Doogie Howser, M.D.” theme song.

Taylor Swift performs “Love Story”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) makes excuses for his latest traffic violation. Will Forte sings a song about the BCS.

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley.

Two First NamesSummary: Neil Patrick Harris welcomes other famous celebrities with two first names, while shunning wanna-bes like Daniel-Day Lewis (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: David Lee Roth, Jamie Lee Curtis, Daniel-Day Lewis.

Fran & FrebaSummary: Long-nailed air traffic controllers Fran (Neil Patrick Harris) and Freba (Kristen Wiig) gab about co-worker Gil (Will Forte).

Frost/Other Peopleb>Summary: In a trailer for the “Frost/Noxin” sequel, David Frost (Neil Patrick Harris) ineptly interviews a slew of other 70’s-era celebrities with little to hide.

Recurring Characters: David Frost, Richard Nixon, David Bowie, David Crosby, Paul Lynde.

Transcript

Taylor Swift performs “Forever & Always”

Whopper VirginsSummary: Burger King execs (Neil Patrick Harris, Kristen Wiig) discover immigrants (Bobby Moyhnihan, Michaela Watkins, Fred Armisen) who not only have never eaten a Whopper but are also unable to comprehend its purpose.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Lawyer’s Office

Question BoxSummary: Randy student (Andy Samberg) embarrasses his teacher (Neil Patrick Harris) by placing sexual questions in the class question box.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 12

08l: Neil Patrick Harris / Taylor Swift

Save Broadway

Phantom of the Opera…..Jason Sudeikis
Mark from Rent…..Neil Patrick Harris
Mr. Mistoffelees…..Bobby Moynihan
Music Man…..Bill Hader
Wicked Witch…..Michaela Watkins
Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Puppeteer…..Abby Elliott
Little Orphan Annie…..Taylor Swift
Blue Man Group…..Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, Will Forte
Chicago Ladies…..Kristen Wiig, Casey Wilson
Dude from Stomp…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Broadway scenery ]

[ newspaper headlines appear on the screen:

“BROADWAY TICKET SALES HIT NEW LOW”

“16 SHOWS TO CLOSE BY FEBRUARY”

“CURTAINS FOR BROADWAY?” ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Sardi’s ]

[ dissolve to interior, where a throng of Broadway characters sit in conference ]

Phantom of the Opera: Can we get settled down? Can we get settled down, please? Okay? [ the room quiets down ] As you know, Broadway is in trouble, and that’s why we’re all here. Now, you all know me — I am the Phantom of the Opera.

Mark: And I’m Mark from “Rent”, the Pulitzer Prize winning musical!

Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Unbelievable. Alright, look, guys — we know it’s bad out there, and we are ALL struggling!

Mark: Yeah, and some people are having a hard time paying “Rent”!

Phantom of the Opera: [ groaning ] Please. Don’t do that any more. Okay, first off: is everyone here?

[ reveal the costumes characters in the room ]

Mark: Well, everyone except Jeremy Piven — but I don’t think he has a good excuse.

Phantom of the Opera: Ah, I don’t doubt it. Alright, well, that’s okay. Alright, we need everyone’s best ideas to save Broadway. Alright? So, let’s get started. [ looks into the crowd ] Yes. You.

Mr. Mistoffelees: [ singing ] “Meow, meow, meow, meow!” It is I, the magical Mr. Mistoffelees, and here’s my suggestion: [ he twirls ] We need to feel the wonder!

Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Oh, man… oh, you people from “Cats” think you’re so great, you know that? Seriously, you think you’re the Michael Jordan of Broadway.

[ the room expresses their confusion ]

Phantom of the Opera: You guys don’t know who Michael Jordan is?! Guys, he was like the… the… Tommy Tune of basketball!

[ this analogy sparks an ounce of recognition ]

Phantom of the Opera: There you go… there you go. Yeah, that’s right… yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, come on! Alright, guys, who’s next? [ he points ] Alright, what about you, Music Man?

Music Man: [ singing ] “We’ve… got… a… devil, a pickle, put them in two C’s!”

Phantom of the Opera: Uh-huh…

Music Man: [ singing ]
“We’ve got to find real jobs, weeeeellll, we’ve… got… trouble!
Right here in New York City.
I’m talkin’ Trouble with a Capital T, that rhymes with C,
And that stands for…” CutCo Knives.

[ he stops to holds out the product ]

Now… just $49.95!

Phantom of the Opera: Okay. Stop! Stop, please! Professor, just stop!

Mark: Hey, for what it’s worth, those knives are amazing. They’re like the “Rent” of knives.

Phantom of the Opera: Ohhhh, cool it.

Wicked Witch: Hey! Can we just stop f-in’ around, okay? Because if “Wicked” closes, I have very limited job options! I mean, look at me!

Mark: Well… you’re green. Maybe you could be in “Shrek: The Musical”.

Wicked Witch: Wow. That’s racist.

Phantom of the Opera: No! No! That’s not racist!

Mark: That’s not racist, lady.

Phantom of the Opera: No, that’s enough! That’s enough, okay? And, for the record, Broadway is an inclusive place. No one… here is racist, okay? Moving on. [ he points ] Yes. You. From “The Color Purple”.

Black Guy: I’m sorry, I’m not “The Color Purple”.

Phantom of the Opera: Okay.

Mark: From “Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Funk”?

Black Guy: I — I wrote “Miss Saigon”.

Phantom of the Opera: Eeek! Okay. Uhhh — alright, alright, what’s your idea?

Black Guy: [ meekly ] Isn’t it time we revive “Miss Saigon”?

Puppeteer: Ugh! Are we almost done here?

Phantom of the Opera: What?! Why? Where do you have to be?

Puppeteer: I don’t have to be anywhere, but… [ in puppet voice ] “I need to get to my new job! I give massages behind a Thai place on the Lower East Side! With my mouth!”

Phantom of the Opera: Okay! I get it! I get it. I get it. Thank you.

[ suddenly, Little Orphan Annie stands ]

Little Orphan Annie: Hey, everyone! Why so glum? [ singing ] “The sun will come up… tomorrow!”

Phantom of the Opera: No.

Little Orphan Annie: “Bet your bottom dollar, tomorrow!”

Phantom of the Opera: Annie! Annie! No! Annie, sweetie? Not the time, okay? Please?

Little Orphan Annie: Yeah, watch yourself, Phantom — I’ve had a hard-knock life, okay? Someone stands up to me, I BREAK them!

Phantom of the Opera: Alright… okay. Guys! Come on, okay? We’re creative people! We just need ONE good idea!Anyone! Anyone at all! Blue Man Group?

[ Blue Man Group taps a tune on a plastic pipe ]

Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Aw, man. You know, sometimes you guys can be a bunch of blue dicks.

Mark: [ excited ] Hey! What about the ladies from “Chicago”?

[ the two ladies from “Chicago” stands and perform a quick routine before returning to their seats ]

Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Not helpful. Not helpful at all. What about you, dude from “Stomp”?

[ the Dude from Stomp stands up and bangs two trash can lids together ]

Phantom of the Opera: Wow! Wow! Still relevant. Okay. Alright. So no one has any ideas. I mean, no one?

Mark: Wait, wait! I’ve GOT it!

Phantom of the Opera: What?

Mark: We could put on a big show… with lavish costume and huge, expensive sets! We’ll charge, like $150 a ticket!

[ the room goes wild with excitement ]

Phantom of the Opera: No! no! No! GUys, no! That’s the thing that isn’t working any more!

Mark: No, no! [ piano music begins to play ] And at the end, we’ll all join hands…

Phantom of the Opera: [ confused ] Where the hell is that coming from..?

Mark: …and we’ll sing the anthem of the 90’s!

Phantom of the Opera: Please, don’t…

[ Mark takes the Phantom’s hand and sings a chorus from “Rent” ]

Phantom of the Opera: No! Mark! Stop!

[ the other Broadway stars join in the chorus ]

Phantom of the Opera: NO!! STOP!! STOP!! OKAY?! OKAY, THAT’S IT!! YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE!! [ he raises his hand to the ceiling ] GOOOOOOO!!!!

[ suddenly, a normal-sized chandelier drops from the ceiling ]

Phantom of the Opera: GO!! GO!!

[ the chandelier crashes to the floor ]

Mark: Wow. Really?

Phantom of the Opera: I’m sorry. No, that’s usually a show stopper. I don’t think so… [ recollecting his thoughts ] God! This meeting is awful! It cannot get any worse!

[ a scream and crash comes from outside ]

Phantom of the Opera: What was that?

Black Guy: [ looking ] Well, it was the fiddler on the Roof. He jumped.

[ as everyone gets up to look, “There’s No Business Like Show Business” plays to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 12

08l: Neil Patrick Harris / Taylor Swift

Frost/Other People

David Frost….Neil Patrick Harris
Richard Nixon…..Darrell Hammond
Assistant…..Jason Sudeikis
David Bowie…..Bill Hader
David Crosby…..Bobby Moynihan
Paul Lynde…..Fred Armisen
Fred “Rerun” Berry…..Kenan Thompson

Caption: Frost/Nixon

Announcer: Critics are raving for Ron Howard´s Frost/Nixon. The gripping real life drama of David Frost historic interview with a fallen Richard Nixon.

(Cut to David Frost interviewing Richard Nixon in a room)

David Frost: (British accent) Are you saying that the President of the United States is allowed to do something illegal?

Richard Nixon: I´m saying that when the President of the United States does it, is not illegal.

David Frost: You know that we´re taping, right?

Richard Nixon: Wha–? Uh?

(An assistant comes out and interrupts)

Assistant: No, no, no. Stop the interview! Stop the interview! Mr. President, come on!

(Cut to a still of Frost looking intrigued)

Announcer: And to top off that success we put together this hastily ensemble sequel. Frost/Other People.

Caption: Frost/Other People

(another still with Frost holding a pencil, arched eyebrow)

Announcer: Watch as David Frost takes on other celebrities of the 70´s. Like David Bowie.

(cut to the interview room)

David Frost: And even though you sing again and again about traveling through space, you´re not an astronaut and have in fact, never left the Earth.

(David Bowie circa 1970 has red punkish hair and a lighting bolt drawn across his face)

David Bowie: Well, let me stop you right there, because—

David Frost: I mean, can you even name all the planets?

David Bowie: Come on, man. Don´t do this to me. I´m an artist, man. Just let the children boogie.

(same assistant interrupts, he has red, punkish hair like Bowie)

Assistant: Ok, all right, all right. Don´t say another word, Bowie. This interview is over.

Caption: Frost / Other People

Announcer: After the success of Nixon, David Frost just couldn´t leave it well enough alone.

(another still of Frost looking smug)

Announcer: And now watch him go for the jugular again and again.

(another still of Frost screaming and another pointing mad as hell)

Announcer: See the tension of Frost´s 5 part interview that finally cracked David Crosby.

Caption: Frost / Crosby

(Cut to interview room with famous druggie, folk-rock pioneer, David Crosby. He has long hair and handlebar mustache)

David Frost: Mr. Crosby, are you in fact, a coked up walrus?

David Crosby: Yes!

(same assistant interrupts, has handlebar mustache too)

Assistant: Ok, all right. That´s it. Interview is over!

(David Crosby swats to invisible bugs around him)

Announcer: Rolling Stone magazine raves: “I like anything, so this counts” and The New York Post says: “Long Island Perv, Cops Plea” You´ll be riveted as you watch him go after game show staple Paul Lynde.

(Cut to interview room with Frost and a very nervous Paul Lynde. He has a very gay blue handkerchief tied around his neck)

Paul Lynde: Ask anything you want. I don´t have anything to hide. Oh, wait. I have everything to hide!(stammers nervously) Just look in my closet. It´s huge in there. Big enough for two. Nothing in there but shoes though. I´m heavy on the shoes but I´m light on the loafers.(breaks down, almost crying) Did I just say that?

(assistant interrupts wearing the gay blue handkerchief)

Assistant: All right, stop.

Paul Lynde: He hasn´t asked a question yet!

Caption: Frost / Other People

Announcer: Its over 90 minutes of people from the past sitting and talking in chairs.

(cut to various stills of Frost´s face)

Announcer: Watch as David Frost takes on none other than Fred “Rerun” Berry.

Caption: Frost/Berry

(Cut to interview room with “Rerun” Berry wearing a red beret and suspenders)

David Frost: In the “What´s Happening” episode entitled “Doobie or not Dobbie”…

Fred “Rerun” Berry: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on…

David Frost: You, Dwayne and Rog are invited by the Doobie Brothers to one of their concerts even though they asked you specifically not to make a bootleg tape.

Fred “Rerun” Berry: No, hold on, hold on. I see where you´re going with this. We went to the concert because we were fans of the Doobie Brothers.

David Frost: Let me get this straight. Three young black men from Los Angeles are fans of the Doobie Brothers?

Fred “Rerun” Berry: (breaks down and cries) It was the only band we could get.

(assistant interrupts wearing red beret and suspenders like “Rerun”)

Assistant: Ok, let´s go Rerun. Let´s go.

Fred “Rerun” Berry: Shabba doo, hit the music!(gets up and dances 70´s style with the assistant)

Caption: Frost/Other People

Announcer: Frost/Other People in theaters just in time for Award season. Uh…what? Its too late? Oh, damn.

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts