Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

An SNL Digital Short: Close Talkers

Written by: Will Forte

Gary…..Steve Martin
Ben…..Will Forte

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to what appears to be a hotel lobby, with a buffet table set up in the middle. Gary and Ben stand on opposite ends of the table, occasionally looking up at one another. They each seem to recognize the other. ]

[ soft, twinkling piano music pots up as Gary and Ben take one hard look at one another, then take a step toward one another, until they are face-to-face as though contemplating embracing for a kiss, until: ]

Ben: Gary? How are you?

Gary: Ben? I thought that was you! Hi!

Ben: It has been so long! You look great!

Gary: Not as good as you look!

Ben: Gary, thank you for saying that, because I’ve been feeling very insecure lately, and that comment is just what the doctor ordered.

Gary: That was an easy prescription to fill.

Ben: There’s that ol’ sense of humor!

Gary: I’m not joking. You look great.

[ the soft, twinkling piano music pots up again ]

Gary: Thank you.

[ an uncomfortable moment, as: ]

Ben: So, uh.. you’re standing a little closer than usual.

Gary: [ defensive ] What are you implying?

Ben: I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?

Gary: You know what?

Ben: What?!

Gary: All of a sudden, I have to go!

Ben: Then, all of a sudden – go!

Gary: Fine!

Ben: Fine!

[ they storm away from one another. The soft, twinkling piano music pots up again, as Ben stops and turns back. ]

Ben: Wait! Gary!

[ they walk back to one another, stopping with their lips barely an inch apart ]

Gary: What?

Ben: Sorry. It’s just, I was a little upset with the distance, and I lashed out.

Gary: What if I move back a little?

Ben: That would be great.

[ Gary doesn’t move an inch ]

Gary: How’s this?

Ben: Great! That’s great! [ a beat ] Well, I’d better get going. Give my best to Denise and the kids.

Gary: Will do. Oh, and Ben?

Ben: Yeah?

Gary: [ changes his mind ] Nothing.

Ben: Okay. I’ll see you later.

[ they turn away from one another, then Gary stops and turns his head back ]

Gary: Hey, Ben?

Ben: [ stops, turns his gaze to reveal a look of innocent longing ] Yeah?

Gary: Keep in touch.

Ben: Yeah. Let’s grab dinner sometime.

[ cut to wide shot, the two men on opposite edges of the screen ]

Gary: I’d like that.

Ben: I would, too.

Gary: Bye.

Ben: Goodbye.

[ they disappear from the frame ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Naturally Crafting

Midge Hartzinger…..Rachel Dratch
Jack Patrick…..Steve Martin

[open on a woman’s hands building a wooden bird feeder]

Voice Over: [singing] I craft, you craft, he crafts, she crafts, we are naturally crafting.

[title: “Naturally Crafting”]

[the shot pulls out to show the woman building the bird feeder, and she has very bushy hair and is wearing a loose button-down shirt with a vest]

Midge: Hello and welcome to “Naturally Crafting.” I’m your host, Midge Hartzinger, and I’m just putting the finishing touches on a bird feeder here–made entirely with natural glues. [she sets it down on the table, and it immediately falls over] I’ll just fix that later. Well, I’m extremely honored to welcome Mr. Jack Patrick to the show. He’s gonna show us how to fashion a heart shaped pinecone wreath for Valentine’s Day. Come on in, Jack!

Jack: Hi, Midge! [he enters holding some reeds and leaves, and is wearing a plaid flannel shirt and a long ponytail]

Midge: Oh! Jack, tell us at home: how are Valentine’s Day wreaths different from Christmas wreaths?

Jack: Instead of circles, they are shaped as hearts. [he sets the items he brought down on the table next to some pinecones]

Midge: Hmmm, what woman wouldn’t be overjoyed to receive an original Jack Patrick wreath for Valentine’s Day? Now, what do we need to get started?

Jack: Well, just some braches, some pinecones, acorns, dried flowers, anything organic.

Midge: Mmm, you know, wreaths are the perfect way to liven up a home in cold weather. You know, with the nor’easter blowing in, Jack, you might not be able to drive back to Shelburne before nightfall. [chuckles]

Jack: [chuckles] I think I can make it. I got snow chains on the car.

Midge: Well, I’m just saying, if you need to, you can crash right here at Craft Holler.

Jack: [chuckles] Well, thanks, Midge, but I won’t need to. I’ve driven in way worse storms than this, so I don’t see any reason why I would need to crash here at Crash Holler.

Midge: Craft Holler.

Jack: Craft Holler.

Midge: Now, if you did end up having to crash, we could just sleep in my featherbed, you know, heads at opposite ends, of course. I’ve got lots of quilts. We could even make some hot toddies.

Jack: Well, show’s only a half hour, and it hasn’t really started snowing yet, has it? So I don’t think I’ll need to crash here at Craft Holler.

Midge: Yeah, you’re probably right, but I’m just saying “Mi craft casa es su craft casa,” so feel free to crash.

Jack: Yeah, but I definitely won’t need to. Thanks anyway, Midge. So, okay. First thing you want to do here is start twisting your branches. Make sure they’re not to brittle. [he takes a branch in his hands and begins twisting it]

Midge: Okay, that’s gonna be a great wreath. Jack, do you ever us flowers in your valentine wreath?

Jack: Oh, excellent question, Midge, but some people like to use roses but I just like to–

Midge: If it were to really start snowing, I mean really coming down, you know, and you did have to crash here at Craft Holler, we could just watch the snow fall, sit by the fire, I could maybe bust out the mandolin and in the morning I could make my famous pumpkin pancakes.

Jack: Well, I’m sure they’re delicious but, again, I got my truck and it’s a four-wheel drive, and I got my cell phone, a CB, full-on army-grade survival kit in the cab, as well as a week’s supply of potable water.

Midge: Hmmm, and that means?

Jack: So I will be able to get out of here, even in the deepest of snows. So believe you me, a night will not be spent here at Craft Holler! [turns from Midge back to the camera] Of course, we don’t have a thing to do, like, the whole thing, but we do have a finished product right here.

[Jack reaches under the table and pulls out a completed heart shaped wreath]

Midge: Yes. You know–ooh. One of the nicest things about a snowstorm is the snuggle factor. Don’t you think, Jack? Snuggle factor?

Jack: [sets the wreath down] You know, Midge, you’re doing it again.

Midge: I’m just gonna slip into something a bit more comfortable. Would you excuse me for a moment?

Jack: Midge, you know you’re still on tape, right? Look, Midge, I am onto your game! And I have let passion get in the way of my crafting too many times. Now my only lady friend is my hot-glue gun. [he holds up a hot-glue gun] [Midge returns, holding a mandolin and wearing a maroon sweater, a brown wool jacket, a purple knitted scarf, and mittens that match the scarf] Whoah!

Midge: Ah, that’s more like it.

Jack: [nearly growling] Midge!

Midge: Yes?

Jack: You look so lovely when you’re not in your crafting clothes.

Midge: Well, I have another side, Jack; I’m not just about crafting. Though I am mostly about crafting. [she flings the end of her scarf over her shoulder]

Jack: Midge, are those boiled wool mittens?

Midge: Hand-loomed.

Jack: Good God, control yourself, Jack Patrick! Control yourself! [he stalks towards the door] Farewell to you, Midge! [he opens the door and is met by blowing snow, and closes the door without leaving]

Midge: So, the toddies, then?

Jack: Yes! [he saunters towards her] Damn you, Midge. [he rips off his flannel shirt to reveal red long johns] Damn you, Craft Holler!

[Midge grabs Jack and they quickly fall to the floor before the clothing they were both wearing is seen being thrown up into the air as the theme song plays]

Voice Over: [singing] I craft, you craft, he crafts, she crafts, we are naturally crafting.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

State of the Galaxy 2145

Brian Williams 3000…..Seth Meyers
Chris Matthews……Darrell Hammond
President George Q. Bush…..Will Forte
Vice-President…..Bill Hader
Speaker……Horatio Sanz
Hillary Clintron 1…..Rachel Dratch
Hillary Clintron 2…..Amy Poehler

[ open on fururistic news logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching NBC News coverage of the State of the Galaxy Address, January 31st, 2145. And now, the Brian Williams 3000.

[ dissolve to Brian Williams 3000 in the news studio ]

Brian Williams 3000: Good evening, I’m the Brian Williams 3000. The Tom Brokaw 2600 is being repaired. Tonight, President of Earth George Q. Bush will address the planet with his State of the Galaxy Address. We’re joined now by a hologrammed Chris Matthews. Chris, what can we expect from the President tonight?

[ cut to a hologrammed Chris Matthews ]

Chris Matthews: Well, President Bush continues to face criticisms — he’s facing criticism for the war on Pluto! It’s been seven years! It’s becoming clear Pluto has no ties to Al-Quaeda! These are the same problems that plagued his father’s presidency, as well as his grandfather’s, his great-grandfather’s, both uncles, and all of his six cousins!

Brian Williams 3000: So, what’s your gut feeling, Chris?

Chris Matthews: It’s hard to say, as I don’t technically have a gut!

Brian Williams 3000: [ to viewers ] And it looks like President Bush is now entering the Expedia.com U.S. Capitol Building. We take you there now.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush stepping to the front of the room to thunderous applause ]

President George Q. Bush: Good evening. In this next year, the Federation of Earth will be called upon to show our strength… and stay the course. If we can do that… I say, firmly… that the state of the galaxy is strong. And, together… we will make it stronger.

[ applause ]

President George Q. Bush: Freedom in our galaxy, continues to spread. The planet Jupiter just held presidential elections for the very… first… time.

[ applause ]

President George Q. Bush: Unfortunately, the creatures of Jupiter elected the radical Flurgon Party, who have promised to destroy Earth within the year.

[ the Speaker clumsily stands up and claps alone, until he realizes his error ]

President George Q. Bush: But there is good news in the war against terrorism. We are very… close… to capturing… Osama bin Laden.

[ applause ]

President George Q. Bush: It is finally time for our planet to address our energy crisis. The sun is almost gone, and we are addicted to the sun. No one saw this coming. No one. And no one is blaming anyone… but, basically… if you can avoid using electricity, that would be great! Okay?

[ he awkwardly claps his own hands a couple of times, desperately looking around for someone to join his chorus ]

President George Q. Bush: No? Okay. [ continuing ] I want to congratulate Congress, for putting aside bipartisan issues to pass the Social Security bill. Now our nation’s elderly need never worry again about their golden years. As of next week, every American over 50… will be launched into the deepest recesses of space.

[ applause ]

[ the elderly Vice-President jumps to his feet and runs from the stage ]

President George Q. Bush: We must applaud the Army Corps of Engineers… who, last month, finished building the levees that will protect New Orleans from Category 5 hurricanes. As for the Category 12 hurricane, now battering the Gulf Coast… [ shrugs ] Well, what are ya’ gonna do?

[ applause ]

President George Q. Bush: So, uh — thank you. So, in summary… things are looking up! You know? We’ve made some mistakes, but, uh… we’re working hard! Real hard! Good night… and God bless.

[ applause ]

[ dissolve back to Brian Williams 3000 ]

Brian Williams 3000: When we return, a response from the opposition by Hillary Clintron.

[ reveal the twin Hillary Clintrons ]

Hillary Clintron: GOOD TO BE HERE, BRIAN!!

Brian Williams 3000: You’re watching NBC Nightly News — on Fox.

[ cut to logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

[ return from commercial with close-up bumper of Steve Martin sitting next to a cockatiel, each with hair standing on end ]

[ dissolve to Steve, Prince and the cast standing at Home Base. The opening credit tag “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels” is already on the screen; Steve stands solemn, not sure what to make of it, while Prince smiles and tries not to laugh. The tag dissolves away, and Steve finally discovers he can deliver his final lines for the show. ]

Steve Martin: Oh! [ everyone in the crowd laughs and acts surprised ] Thanks to.. Prince! [ everyone screams “Yeah!” ] Alec Baldwin! Jimmy Fallon! [ steps aside so we can see: ] Tamar! I had a great time, see you again!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Hamas Celebration Party

…..Steve Martin
Hamas Leader #1…..Fred Armisen
Hamas Leader #2…..Bill Hader
Hamas Leader #3…..Seth Meyers

[Opens with Steve Martin walking around in a two-toned brown room while talking on his cell phone]

Steve Martin: No, no, no, I’ll be home by morning. I’m just doing this, uh, corporate gig, I don’t know, some corporation, I don’t know. I just do ten minutes of old stuff, you know, take a few pictures, they pay me a ton of money and they give me a private jet and I fly home. Yeah, it is pretty wonderful being Steve Martin. I miss you, too. I love you, too. Okay. Bye-bye, Britney Spears.

[The Hamas leaders, laughing excitedly, walk into the room]

Hamas Leader #1: Mr. Martin, Mr. Steve Martin!

[The four excitedly shake hands and exchange greetings]

Hamas Leader #1: We are so excited to have you hear. This is going to be a great event. This is a great day for Hamas!

Steve Martin: Hamas?

Hamas Leader #1: Yes, I can’t believe the week we are having! First, we win the election, which
Hamas Leader #2: We did not think we would win!

Hamas Leader #3: We are totally jazzed!

Hamas Leader #1: And then the great Steve Martin agrees to perform at our celebration party!

Steve Martin: The celebration party for Hamas? Y’know, I didn’t realize that’s what tonight’s event was about; I’m not sure if I’m the appropriate entertainment for a Hamas party.

Hamas Leader #1: Don’t be ridiculous, you are a giant star in Palestine; we love all three of your movies, uh, “The Jerk,” uh, “The Man with Two Brains”, uh…

Hamas Leader #3: “The Muppet Movie!”

Steve Martin: Well, I’ve been in dozens of movies since then.

Hamas Leader #2: Those are the only three that have opened here so far… uh, but the previews for “My Blue Heaven” look hilarious!

Hamas Leaders: [nod and comment in agreement]

Steve Martin: Thank you, that’s very sweet.

Hamas Leader #1: Oh, you are a hero here for you comic genius, your ability to play tender moments, and your well-known hatred for the state of Eesrael!

Steve Martin: Whuh-oh, whoa, I do not hate the state of Israel!

Hamas Leader #1: That’s not what we read in Star Magazine!

Steve Martin: Star Magazine? They get everything wrong! They said I sleep in a coffin!

Hamas Leader #1: Eeh, you are perfect host for “Hamas: A Victory Celebration!”

Hamas Leader #3: Live on Al-Jazeera!

Steve Martin: Live on… I didn’t know this was gonna be televised!

Hamas Leader #1: …Yes, yes, of course, that’s why your agent said we had to pay the extra 500,000 dollars!

Steve Martin: Oh, right, yeah. What time do I go on?

Hamas Leader #1: Twenty minutes. You’re on after Toby Keith.

Hamas Leader #2: Do you have some jokes about Fatah [Palestine’s largest political party]? Oh, I cannot wait! I bet you got some crazy jokes about Fatah!

Steve Martin: Well, I do usually just do my act, I got some King Tut stuff; that’s Egyptian, you know…

Hamas Leader #2: Oh, you know what would be so great? If you could mention Hachmed Halach!

[All three eagerly laugh in agreement]

Hamas Leader #3: Ohh, that would be hilarious!

Hamas Leader #2: You could reference the time that his device failed to detonate!

Hamas Leader #3: [somewhat unintelligible] Oh, you gotta do it, you gotta do it!

Hamas Leader #2: He also loves golf!

Hamas Leader #3: Oh, he does, he does.

Steve Martin: Yeah, I don’t really do special material, so…

Hamas Leader #1: Look, uh, we’ll give you an extra 20,000 dollars.

Steve Martin: [takes out his checkbook] What’s his name?

Hamas Leader #2: [emphatically] Hachmed…

Steve Martin: Yeah?

Hamas Leader #2: Halach.

Steve Martin: Halach. Okay, I thought you guys were broke.

Hamas Leader #1: Eh.

Hamas Leader #2: Broke-eesh.

Hamas Leader #1: Uh, listen, we’re going to leave you alone to get into your comedy head space, you know…

Hamas Leader #2: Do you need anything?

Hamas Leader #1: Tabbouleh, uh, figs, dirty water?

Steve Martin: No, I’m good, thanks, uh, but when you introduce me, can you say, uh, “star of Pink Panther, in theatres everywhere?” Is that too weird? Is that okay?

Hamas Leader #3: [annoyed] Yeah, we got it, man. Your agent told us like ten times already.

Hamas Leader #1: You’re the best, Steve Martin!

Hamas Leader #2: [imitating Steve’s trademark line] Excu-u-u-u-use me!

[The three laugh]

Hamas Leader #3: We’re so happy!

[They leave]

Steve Martin: [to himself] Okay, on one hand [holds up one fist], I become known as an anti-Semite, on the other hand [holds up the other hand], I get to promote “Pink Panther.” What would the studio want?

[Fade to footage of a Hamas rally/outdoor event]

V/O: [speaking in Arabic/somewhat unintelligible English]… heeeeeere’s Steve Martin!

[Steve runs onstage in front of a group of gun-toting males dressed in stereotypical guerrilla-type attire]

Steve Martin: Thank you, thanks very much! What a great, great crowd! You know, as a comic I love playing Palestine cause when you bomb in America they boo you, but when you bomb here you get 72 virgins!

[The crowd goes wild; someone shoots his machine gun several times]

Steve Martin: Thank you… You know, the other day I was golfing with Akmed Halach and… [crowd goes wild again]

[Fade out]

Submitted by: Carolyn Brown

[Note: Akmed Halach, not Hachmed Halach, is the Syrian ambassador to the UAE.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin
…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Steve Martin!

[ the audience cheers as Steve Martin arrives at Home Base ]

Steve Martin: I — that’s alright, thank you! [ the audience continues to cheer ] Thank you. I-I’m Steve Martin, and I’m thrilled to be here hosting “Saturday Night live” for a record 14th time! This – this – this will be a very emotional night for me. [ mocks an emotional outburst ] It’s going to be hard to keep from crying! This is such a big week – I have “Pink Panther” opening next Friday.. but, to think, it was almost exactly thirty years ago to the day that I first hosted “Saturday Night Live” – today is February 4th, and it was February 5th, 1976, and I remember standing here thirty years ago doing my monologue, and I heard, backstage, Belushi and Aykroyd, and — no, wait. It was February 6th, sorry. And, behind me, I still hear Belushi — no, it was April. Sorry. April – it was April 11th. So, anyway, I was backstage, and I’m with Chevy — it was April 17th, I’m sorry. And Aykroyd comes up — no, it was not April, because I remember we had these heavy coats on. It was January. It was January 11th, and, uh.. Belushi comes down the hallway wearing some crazy outfit, and he said to me, “What are you doing for Christmas?” [ Steve stares blankly across the stage ] You know what? It was December – it was December 1980, now that I’m thinking about it. But – I just love that story.

You know, I was rummaging through my memory box, and I found some old photos of me and the cast, and I get so moved when I look into their faces. I would love to share these potoa with you. Can you show those, please? [ an old black-and-white picture of Steve ] There’s Laraine Newman.. [ dissolve to a black-and-white photo of Steve as Yortuk Festrunk ] Dan Aykroyd.. [ dissolve to another black-and-white photo of Steve ] And, of course, the great Chevy Chase.

But, you know, uh.. I enjoy the current cast so much, with, uh.. what’s-his-name.. and the other guy, and, uh.. the black guy – I think they’re great. But, uh, it’s the women of “SNL” that I enjoy the most, uh.. [ Steve’s Viagra clock re-appears on the screen; its rotation is more than half complete ] Let’s see, I’m thinking of.. Rachel, and.. Amy, uh.. Kristen.. Tina. But I’d like to welcome back Maya Rudolph – this is her first show back since October. Maya?

[ Maya Rudolph steps onto the stage and stands next to Steve ]

Maya Rudolph: It’s great to be back here.

Steve Martin: Well, you look great, you look absolutely great.

Maya Rudolph: Thank you so much. I just wanted to say, it’s such an unbelievable honor to work with you, you have no idea. I am just such a huge fan —

[ Steve’s Viagra clock completes its rotation, as a “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ]

Maya Rudolph: — I mean, since I was a kid. You’re one of my absolute heroes —

Steve Martin: [ feeling a little uncomfortable ] Yeah. Okay, well, thank you. Thank you for coming by. [ Maya exits the stage ] You know what, let’s just keep this moving. We’ve got a great musical guest tonight, it’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. it’s, uh.. [ another “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ] Prince is here. So, stick around, and we’ll be right back. [ yet another “Boi-i-i-ing!” sound effect goes off ] Yeah! Okay..

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Lorne’s Office

…..Steve Martin
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Chris Parnell
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on interior, Lorne Michaels’ office. Lorne is playing Snood on his computer as Steve Martin rushes in. ]

Steve Martin: Lorne! Lorne! We got the early ratings in, and they’re sky high! And the critics are already saying this is one of the funniest shows ever!

Lorne Michaels: That’s great!

Steve Martin: So.. so, I want to renegotiate my contract. I want more money!

Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] Can’t – can’t do it.

Steve Martin: Lorne, what-what did – what did you pay me the first time I hosted in 1976?

Lorne Michaels: $5,000?

Steve Martin: And what are you paying me now, in 2006?

Lorne Michaels: $5,000.

Steve Martin: I want five-thousand, five-hundred!

Lorne Michaels: Steve, I can’t do it. It sets a bad precedent.

Steve Martin: How much do you get per show?

Lorne Michaels: [ laughs ] I don’t see how that —

Steve Martin: How much?! Come on, how much?!

Lorne Michaels: [ relunctantly ] $12 million.

Steve Martin: Does that seem fair to you?

[ Chris Parnell runs into the office ]

Chris Parnell: Steve! We need downstairs for the next sketch!

Lorne Michaels: [ coolly ] So what’s it going to be, Steve – the money, or the show must go on?

[ dramatic music pulses up, as the camera cuts between Steve, Chris and Lorne. Open-mouthed, Steve finally finds the nerve to give his answer: ]

Steve Martin: I’m not going on!

Lorne Michaels: Don’t push me, Steve. I have options.

[ a tense Steve turns his head to reveal a bruised and battered Alec Baldwin sprawled against the couch in Lorne’s office ]

Alec Baldwin: [ a wee bit woozy ] I’m ready, Boss.

[ Jimmy Fallon positions his head into frame next to Alec Baldwin ]

Jimmy Fallon: I’m ready, too, uh.. if he doesn’t want to — [ the audience cheers with excitement ]

Steve Martin: Damn you, Lorne Michaels! You know me too well! [ turns toward the door ] I’m going on! [ exits Lorne’s office ]

Lorne Michaels: Jimmy — uh.. we showed him, didn’t we, Alec?

Alec Baldwin: I want pie!

Lorne Michaels: Jimmy, will you take him down to see the nurse? I think there may be head damage.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ to Alec ] Come on, buddy. Let’s go.

Alec Baldwin: Joey, I want pie!

Jimmy Fallon: [ stands Alec up and motions him toward the door ] We’ll get pie, yeah, we’ll get pie. Medicine pie.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

Oprah

Oprah Winfrey…..Maya Rudolph
Freedman…..Steve Martin

[ open on opening graphics for “Oprah” ]

[ dissolve to the “Oprah” set, as extends her arms to the thunderous applause of her all-female audience ]

Oprah Winfrey: Welcome baaaaaaaaaaaccckkk!! [ cups her hands to her face ] Hoo-hoooooooo!! Thank you! Okay, stop it! [ audience continues to cheer ] Stop it! [ they continue ] Sit! [ they won’t stop ] Seriously! [ they still won’t stop ] Seriously!! [ the applause dies in an instant ] Today’s show.. is very serious. So, everyone please take the smiles off of your faces. Okay, I think everyone knows it’s been a challenging time lately for Oprah, here on the “Oprah” show. Especially in regards to the oprah Book Club. Oprah. [ audience awwws ] Yeah. It was not so long ago, that author James Frey, as the great Maya Angelou would say, “Dicked me over.” Earlier today, as I was taking my hot air balloon ride, I had a thought. And that thought was: “Society values.. truth!” [ audience cheers yeah!” ] Thank you. Now I know you’ve all been enjoying March’s Oprah’s Book Club selection, the emotionally devastating memoir by Stone Freeman: “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean.” [ audience applauds ] But, but, but – not so fast, people. I was just informed, via e-mail from the Travoltas, that this book may be riddled with untruths!

Voice from the Audience: Oh, my Go-o-o-d!

Oprah Winfrey: Exactly, lady. So, I have invited the author to come on and attempt to speak as I tear him a new one. Please welcome – and I’ll ask you not to stand or applaud – author of “Skating at the Bottom of the Ocean” – Stone Freeman.

[ Stone Freeman enters the stage, attempts to shake oprah’s hand but is ignored. He takes his seat. ]

Stone Freeman: [ cheerfully ] Hi, Oprah. Thank you for having me.

Oprah Winfrey: [ scornful ] Stone. It is obviously not a pleasure having you here. Because you duped me. You dupity-duped me.

Stone Freeman: Oprah, I swear on a stack of my own books, that my memoir is 100% true.

Oprah Winfrey: So you’re saying that everything in this book is true?

Stone Freeman: 100% true, with a margin of error of 100%.

Oprah Winfrey: I see. so, what parts of the book are not true?

Stone Freeman: Well, it’s not so much that they are untrue, as much as they are true-less. Or lie-ish.

Oprah Winfrey: Stone, I am giving you a chance to admit to any falsehoods, right here and now. And I think it would be wise of you to take advantage of this.. Oprah-tunity.

Stone Freeman: Well, keep in mind that when I wrote this book, I was cross-addicted to over-the-counter nasal sprays, Almaden jugged wine, and, of course, crack cocaine.

Oprah Winfrey: Okay. S-so, you’re saying that you were addicted to cocaine?!

Stone Freeman: Didn’t say that, no. Actually, that was a typo. It was chapstick. But, one time, I did venture, uh, most of the into a shady neighborhood with the intent to buy crack cocaine, but I was hit by a car – no, I wasn’t.

Oprah Winfrey: So the first sentence in Chapter 4 states: “I awoke in a shady neighborhood, in a crack cocaine haze with tire tracks across my face.” That’s not a true statement?

Stone Freeman: Did you know, that in some languages, the word “true” is the same as the word “lie”?

Oprah Winfrey: Really? Is that true?

Stone Freeman: No, that’s a lie.

Oprah Winfrey: Ugh! S-so, when you say you were trapped for three months in a cage with a howler monkey..?

Stone Freeman: I meant, I was trapped zero months in nothing with a no monkey. But my favorite animal is the monkey – no, it is not.

Oprah Winfrey: So all of Chapter 4 was, as my good friend Harry Belefont would say, “a steaming pile of shizz“?

Stone Freeman: No. some of Chapter 4 is true. It is the fourth chapter, and I do have parents.

Oprah Winfrey: Alright, then, in Chapter 16, you did not “lose an eye in a carjacking, store it in a Slurpee to keep it fresh, then pay a Native-American prostitute to pop it back in?”

Stone Freeman: [ points behind Oprah ] Look over there!

Oprah Winfrey: Where?

[ as Oprah turns to look, Stone reaches over, tears the page out of the book and tosses it behind the couch ]

Stone Freeman: That’s not in there. Now, look, Oprah, I’m not going to lie to you. Every page of this book is a lie, and that is the God’s honest truth.

Oprah Winfrey: Well, I hope you’re sorry about all of this, Stone Freeman.

Stone Freeman: Well, I’m not, and that’s a lie. And I’d like to thank you for being on my show! [ stands and shakes her hand ]

Oprah Winfrey: [ stands cheerfully as well ] Oh! Well, thank you so much for having me!

Stone Freeman: So, thank you very much! Oprah Winfrey! How about that!

Oprah Winfrey: That’s wonderful — [ starts to walk away, then: ] Wait a minute! This is my show!

Stone Freeman: Hey, check this out! [ swings his arms and dances his way out of the studio ]

Oprah Winfrey: [ sits ] Coming up next, we’ll release author Stone Freeman into the wolds of the Harpo Studios compound and hunt him down like a wild turkey. [ retrieves a crossbow from behind the couch ] Right after this.

[ the theme music and graphics play out as Oprah rushes off the set ][ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

An SNL Digital Short

…..Steve Martin
…..Kelly Ripa
Jimmy…..Michael Anthony
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Andy Samberg
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on Steve Martin sitting at a table at Elaine’s with Kelly Ripa ]

Steve Martin: Well, Kelly, these rendezvous’ have worked out pretty well.

Kelly Ripa: Yes, they have, Steve.

Steve Martin: So, uh, who do you think? Is tonight the night?

Kelly Ripa: I don’t know. I’ve never cheated ob my husband before.

Steve Martin: They don’t mind.

Kelly Ripa: So you’ve been telling me.

Steve Martin: So, uh.. shall I take the Viagra? [ holds up his Viagra pill ]

Kelly Ripa: Well, how long does it take to take effect?

Steve Martin: With me – fifteen, twenty minutes.

Kelly Ripa: That sounds about right.

[ Steve puts the pill in his mouth and downs it with a glass of water. As he does, his viagra clock appears on the lower right corner of the screen and begins ticking away ]

Kelly Ripa: I’m really flattered you’re even out tonight.

Steve Martin: And why is that?

Kelly Ripa: Because Alec Baldwin is hosting “Saturday Night Live” tonight, and he’s going to tie your record.

[ cut to close-up of the horrified look on Steve’s face ]

[ cuts to Steve running out of Elaine’s and into the street ]

Steve Martin: Limo! Limo! Limo! [ a taxi pulls up ] Oh, please! [ the taxi pulls away, as a limo pulls up and Steve climbs in ] NBC! [ the limo speeds away ]

[ cut to Alec Baldwin being prepped in his dressing room by Jimmy, a drink in one hand and pictures of himself all around the room ]

Jimmy: Well, Mr. Baldwin, tonight’s the night you tie Steve Martin’s record for hosting.

Alec Baldwin: Well, Jimmy, it’s not really about that.

Jimmy: I’ll go get your sock garters.

Alec Baldwin: [ to himself ] It’s your night, Big Guy. The night we crush that little clown monkey.

[ cut to exterior shot of NBC ]

[ cut to interior, halls of Studio 8-H, as Steve wanders down the corridor, shirking away as a maid passes ]

[ cut back to Alec’s dressing room ]

Alec Baldwin: Jimmy, tonight we move into the record books.

[ Steve, dressed as Jimmy, rises from beyond Alec and chokes him with the measuring tape and smiles ]

[ cut to the hallway, as Steve carries Alec’s body, which is wrapped in the carpet, through the studio’s halls ]

Steve Martin: Hey, Andy.

Andy Samberg: Ah, hey, Mr. Martin. You hosting the show tonight?

Steve Martin: Only if they need me.

[ Steve passes a frantic Lorne Michaels, flanked by Will Forte and Bill Hader, in the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: We can’t find Alec Baldwin. Somebody call Tom Hanks.

[ Steve punches Lorne in the face and continues down the hall, dragging the carpet and Alec with him ]

[ Steve drops the carpet out of the window; it lands with a thud in the middle of the Rockefeller Center skating rink ]

Steve Martin: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 12

05l: Steve Martin / Prince

An SNL Digital Short: The Tangent

Liz…..Kristen Wiig
Joel…..Fred Armisen
Agent…..Bill Hader
Jerry…..Chris Parnell
…..Scarlett Johanssen
…..Conan O’Brien
…..Brian Williams
…..Gideon Yago

[open on title screen: “An SNL Digital Short”]

[dissolve to New York City traffic with title: “The Tangent”]

[dissolve to outdoor steps with a man and woman walking towards each other]

Liz: Hey, Joel, how are you?! I’ve been meaning to call you! How was that restaurant you went to the other night?

Joel: [scoffs] They were closed! I guess they have two different locations, so we ended up going to the one uptown, but the name changed because the manager changed the name because there’s two owners, …

Liz: Oh.

Joel: …but at the same time I thought, “Why can’t we just, like, come a little bit earlier [Liz looks over her shoulder, nervously] to have some of the steak, and some of the fish that they have, …

Liz: Right. [nods]

Joel: …and some of the vegetables that they have, …

Liz: I know. That–

Joel: …some of the fruits that they have, some of the salads that they have, some of the broccoli that they have, some of the peas that they have,” [Liz looks over her shoulder again and then at her watch] and the thing with New York is, any place, like, above 42nd Street usually closes before 10pm, so you’re not able to find the table that you want, [Liz walks past Joel and continues away] you’re not able to order drinks, and even something with alcohol, alcohol sometimes has sugars in it, [a man in a suit, an agent, walks past Joel, but then doubles back to consider him more closely] which would set of any of the same allergic reactions that it would with any other kind of sugar products, be it cakes, be it any kind of cereals that have sugars on them; [the agent chuckles] that’s an obvious thing to do–

[jump-cut to the man talking on his cell phone]

Agent: Jerry, it’s me. Listen, I’m on the street. He’s exactly what we’re looking for. No, here, I’ll put you on with him. Listen, listen.

Joel: …cover up the entire thing. Passports have to change every four years, no matter what– [jump cut to Jerry’s office] home-made tennis racket. This way, if I had my own Band-Aids, my own bandages, at least I could hide them…

Jerry: Yeah.

Joel: …underneath the sink…

Agent: Yeah?

Joel: …so that no one could find them, so they’re kind of my Band-Aids…

Jerry: Let’s see how he does in front of an audience.

Joel: …there’s no way– [jump cut to Joel on stage in a performance space] She even said to me she was terrified because she didn’t think there was a driver on the rollercoaster. I said, “Well, that’s impossible; [Jerrypoints affirmatively at the agent] there are no drivers on rollercoa– [jump cut to an office] and then kind of, like, went back downstairs to find a pretzel. [the agent takes Joel’s hand and signs a contract] Okay, pretzels are, by the way…

Jerry: Let’s get you in the movies.

Joel: …absolutely cheap– [jump cut to Joel being fitted by a man and a woman in a wardrobe] And as soon as you take apart a glider, there’s no way you can really rebuild it– [jump cut to Joel on the set of a movie, dressed as a futuristic astronaut] And in fact, that kind of makes you a professional camper. See, it’s sweet, it’s hot, it’s cold, it’s everything all in one…

[Scarlett Johanssen arrives in a bathrobe]

Scarlett Johanssen: Hi, I’m Scarlett. It’s so nice to meet you–so nice to be working with you, gosh.

Joel: …you know, they don’t even have the jurisdiction to even define what a monsoon is. [a woman places a futuristic space helmet over his head] A monsoon is up to the person; it depends what island you’re on …

[nods interestedly] Yeah.

Joel: …there’s no way that anyone can judge that– [jump cut to the set of “Total Request Live,” with a VJ and a cheering studio audience holding signs that include “Joel is Hot” and “Marry Me Joel”] because that numbs it. That numbs exactly what the skull is gonna say, and as far as the messages being sent out by the brain– [jump cut to Joel at the NBC News desk with Brian Williams] That kind of dance is not considered an art form. I mean, sure, it could be dance therapy, but I still think– [jump cut to Joel as a guest on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”]

Conan O’Brien: Okay, well, the movie opens tomorrow, everywhere. Thanks for stopping by, Joel. Really great stuff.

Joel: …then, experimented with that in some parts of the laboratory…

Conan O’Brien: We’ll be right back! [turns to Joel, smiling, and nods]

Joel: …and the scientists weren’t really sure– [jump cut to Joel in the producer’s office] And they said, “You know something? I brought my daughter down here for a haircut, and you gave her a crew cut…

Jerry: This is a problem. Your movie ate [bleep] at the box office.

Joel: …’cause, you know something? You asked for one, you’re gonna get one. And you know something? I think she looks great. And, besides, I don’t even cut hair…

Jerry: I don’t know what I ever saw in you.

Joel: …back over there. And I said, “You know what? Everyone in this room gets crew cuts. And they said, “No, sir. They’re illegal…

Jerry: [shouting into intercom] Would someone get him the [bleep] out of my office?!

Joel: …just something else– [jump cut to a car dropping Joel off at the steps where he started] A breathing apparatus means it’s going to be heavy. That’s like the same thing as saying that a wig is false. I mean, obviously that’s what the case is. But, anyway, overall, the restaurant was pretty good. Liz? [he looks around and shrugs to find himself alone, and he exits]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts