Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

The Restaurant

Steve’s Date…..Amy Poehler
Jeff…..Luke Wilson
Steve…..Rob Riggle
Jeff’s Date…..Maya Rudolph
Waiter…..Will Forte

[open on restaurant exterior with lit sign: “T. Mackeys”]

[dissolve to interior, with four people sitting at a table]

Steve’s Date: …so I said, “Parasailing? Are you out of your mind?”

[all laugh]

[waiter arrives with appetizer platter]

Jeff: Uh-oh! The food’s here! Make room, everybody.

Steve: All right, this looks wonderful! Yeah.

Jeff’s Date: So tell me again: You two have really known each other since pre-school?

Steve: Yep, yep. We’ve been best buds since…

Jeff: …we were in underoos.

Steve: See? See? This guy finishes…

Jeff: …my sentences!

[Jeff and Steve laugh]

Steve: Come here, you. [they hug]

Both Women: Awwwww!

Jeff’s Date: Look at those two! It is so sweet!

Steve’s Date: I know. All I do with my best girlfriends is argue and talk about them behind their back.

Jeff’s Date: Yeah.

Jeff: So, what are we waiting for? Let’s dig in!

Steve: Yeah!

Steve’s Date: Okay!

[all begin eating and making appreciative eating sounds]

Steve: Oh, this empanada is out of this world!

Jeff: You know, I’m not an empanda fan?

All: What? Really?!

Steve: Now, be honest; have you ever tried an empanada?

Jeff: [points at Steve] You got me! I haven’t.

Steve: All right, all right. Well, here we go. Try one.

Jeff: Okay.

Steve: [lifts an empanada from the tray] Well, here, try that.

[Steve feeds the empanada directly into Jeff’s mouth]

Jeff: [makes “mmmmm” sound] Boy, that is tasty. [Jeff’s date smiles benignly, while Steve’s date eyes the men warily] Can I try it with a little sauce?

Steve: Hell, yeah! You gotta try the tapenade.

Jeff: Let me try that.

Steve: [dips an empanada in tapenade and brings it to Jeff’s mouth] Oh-oh-oh! [puts his hand under Jeff’s chin to prevent the tapenade from dripping]

Jeff: [makes “mmmmm” sounds] Yeah, my man! That is good!

Jeff’s Date: [trying to sound breezy while Steve’s date forces a smile] I didn’t know you’d never tried an empanada, honey.

[Jeff continues to eat from Steve’s hand, and doesn’t respond]

Jeff’s Date: [tucks her tongue into her cheek and continues] So, I’m so glad you guys finally made it out to Denver.

Steve’s Date: Yeah! “Mile-High City.”

Jeff’s Date: Yeah.

Steve: Man, what did I tell you?

Jeff: Damn, that empanada was good!

Steve: Yeah.

Jeff: It’s like a fried pie, but it’s got meat in it. You want to try it?

Steve: Hell, yeah! But dip it in that salsa there.

Jeff: As directed, my man. [dips an empanada in salsa] As directed. [brings the empanada to Steve’s mouth, putting his hand under Steve’s chin]

Steve: [closes his eyes] All right.

Jeff: [accidentally smears some salsa on Steve’s chin] Oh, oops, you got a little on your chin.

Steve: Oh, where?

Jeff: Right there brother. I got it. [uses the empanada to wipe the salsa from Steve’s chin]

Steve: Damn good, my man.

Jeff’s Date: You know what? I’d like to try one of those empanadas, too. [leans over the table and opens her mouth expectantly]

Jeff: What’s wrong with you–your arms broken? They’re right there, babe. Man, that’s good stuff. [pats Steve on the back]

Steve: That is good stuff. Here you go, my friend.

Jeff: Oh, thank you.

[Jeff and Steve continue to feed each other while making “mmmmm” sounds]

Jeff’s Date: So, Jeff tells me you’re district manager for Petland Discounts.

Steve’s Date: [detachedly] Uh, yeah, well, kind of. I run their distribution center.

Jeff’s Date: [weakly] Yeah, that sounds good.

Steve’s Date: Yeah.

Jeff: Hey, buddy, toss me one of them shrimps?

Steve: You want me to hook you up with some of that duck sauce?

Jeff: Hells, yeah.

[dips his index finger in the duck sauce] Why don’t you give it a try first, my friend? [holds his finger up to Jeff’s mouth]

Jeff: I’ll give it a little try. [puts his hand on Steve’s upper wrist, and licks Steve’s finger, shrugs, and licks again] It’s tangy but sweet. [Jeff’s and Steve’s dates are looking on in rapt horror] Actually it tastes more like a honey dijon than a duck sauce. I’m not sure if I like it.

Steve: Take your time, man. Figure it out.

Jeff: Not sure. [grasps Steve’s hand and takes Steve’s entire finger into his mouth while their dates fidget and look away from the men] Yeah, man, you’re right.

Steve’s Date: Uh, so, uh, Steve tells me that you work at a gym.

Jeff’s Date: [flatly] Yeah, uh, yeah, I teach pilates.

Steve’s Date: [dismissively] Yeah, that’s interesting.

Jeff’s Date: Uh-huh.

Jeff: Hey, you know what is looking real good right now?

Steve: What?

Jeff: That Thai chicken skewer.

Steve: Oh, well bro, here it comes. You’re about to take a chicken rod to Thailand. [makes train whistle sound and pumps arm]

Jeff: Oh, this guy.

Steve: Put it there, brother-man.

[lifts the skewer and puts the tip into Jeff’s mouth]

Jeff: Mmmmm–oh! Oh, that is hot!

Steve: What?

Jeff: That is too hot! [fans his mouth]

Steve: Like, heat hot or spice hot? [more emphatically] Heat hot or spice hot?!

Jeff’s Date: Honey, are you okay?

Steve: You stay out of this! Heat hot or spice hot?!

Jeff: Both! Both! Both!

Steve: Well, spit it out! [cups his hands in front of Jeff’s mouth] Just spit it out!

Jeff: No, it’s too hot! It’s gonna burn your hands, buddy! [taps Steve’s hands for emphasis]

Steve: No, no, I got you bro! I got you covered!

[Jeff spits the meat into Steve’s hands]

Steve: Oh, there you go. There you go.

Jeff: Oh, man.

Steve: Oh, it’s okay. Hey, hey, here you go. [gets an ice cube from his glass and brings it to Jeff’s mouth] There you go.

Jeff: [licking the ice] It was so scary man. It’s hot as hell, bro.

Steve: I know, let it out. Let it out! [Jeff puts his hand on Steve’s shoulder and rubs it while Steve rubs Jeff’s back] I know it can be scary when you burn your mouth on something hot.

Jeff: [continuing to lick the ice] Oh, man. You have no idea, bro.

Steve: Yes, it can. Yeah. I’m here. Shhhhh. I’m here. I’m here for you, all right? [looks to the other side of the table and finds it empty] Hey, where did the girls go?

Jeff: Uh, no idea man. No idea. But how about we finish the rest of the margarita? How does that sound?

Steve: Hells, yeah.

Jeff: Good idea.

[they lick the salt from the rim of the glass and begin drinking from the glass at the same time]

[music out: “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” by Michael Bolton]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Coolest Teacher At Benton Township High School

Mr. J…..Seth Meyers
Gino…..Horatio Sanz
Kelly…..Amy Poehler
Wally…..Kenan Thompson
Fred…..Fred Armisen
Phil/Mr. Gruber…..Luke Wilson
Principal…..Chris Parnell

[ open on exterior, Benton Township High School ]

[ dissolve to interior, Mr. J’s classroom, as the bell rings and the students rush in ]

Mr. J: Gino! How are you, my man! Okay, good to see you. Kelly! There’s my volleyball star! Wally, can I get a word with you?

Wally: Oh, uh, you know, if this is about my paper, I’ll have it by Friday, I promise.

Mr. J: Take it easy, dawg! I just wanted ot thank you for the recommendation on the Snoop album, it was totally dope! Anyways, I’ve got a friend at the radio station, and he came through with.. a couple of tickets. [ shows Wally the tickets ]

Wally: Oh, man! Mr. J, you’re the coolest teacher in school!

[ zoom on Mr. J’s face as he smirks playfully for the camera ]

[ cut to opening montage over jingle ]

Jingle:
“He sits backwards in his chair
He throws out his hand.
Another party in the woods,
He’s totally there!
He’s Mr. J!
The Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School!”

[ dissolve back to the class in session ]

Mr. J: So that’s why I decided you’re all getting A’s. The assignment was to write about yourself, and any teacher who tells you how to write about you is full of B.S. And I think we all know what those two letters stand for.

Class: Yeah!!

Wally: I do know what those letters stand for!

Mr. J: Wally, I love it!

Phil: [ knocks on the open door ] Hey. I’m looking for, uh, Room 325.

Mr. J: Oh, I’ve seen that look before. New student, am I right?

Phil: Actually, I’m the new history teacher, dude.

Mr. J: Oh? Oh, you must be Mr. Roberts. I’m Mr. Jenkins, but the kids call me Mr. J!

Phil: Oh, what are you, like, the so-called “cool” teacher?

Mr. J: Is it that obvious?

Phil: Yeah, that tie’s really dope. [ to the class ] Uh, hey, guys, my name’s Mr. Roberts, but you can call me Phil. I don’t really dig last names.

Kelly: Wow! He told us his first name!

[ the rest of the class is equally impressed ]

Phil: And, homies, I’ve got a news flash for ya’: you used to be the cool teacher here.

[ cut to new opening montage over jingle ]

Jingle:
“He doesn’t believe in his task
He goes hiking in the wild
He shot a nature movie with a ladies’ bare breast!
He’s Mr. – what’s that?!
He don’t dig last names.
He’s Phil!
The New Coolest Teacher in the School!”

[ dissolve back to the classroom ]

Mr. J: Sorry about the mix-up there, Phil, but, to be honest, you don’t really dress much like a teacher.

Phil: Hey, I dress like a human being. How people deal with it is their problem. Am I right, guys?

Gino: Yeah! He’s being a human being!

Mr. J: Gino, calm down.

Gino: You always said say how you feel! Yeah? Well, I feel like I’m in prison! This is worse than Nazi Germany!

Phil: Hey, I got a question for ya’, Mr. J. Can you tell me what all these pre-adults are doing in this stuffy classroom, when it’s so damn beautiful outside?

Kelly: [ impressed ] Did you guys hear that? He called us “pre-adults”! He respects us too much to call us kids!

Fred: And he said “damn!”

Mr. J: Hey, I say “damn.” Remember that time I slammed my finger in the drawer, and I used the S-word? Come on! You guys remember, it was — [ a book is thrown at him ] Hey! Hey!

Phil: Let me yell ya’ a little bit about my class: no grades, no tests, no papers. We just talk about history. About love, about life. ‘Cause that’s education! Also: I don’t sit at a desk, and neither do you. I don’t believe in them. I think desks are cages, but with chairs attached and a place to put your pencil.

Class: Yeah!

Gino: Whoo-hoo, yeah! No desks!!

[ Horatio Sanz tosses his desk out the back window, bumping it into the fake styrofoam wall behind them. The audience cracks up at the near-blooper; Luke Wilson is clearly astonished as well. ]

Mr. J: Gino, I’m gonna ask that you cool it way down!

Gino: I’m gonna ask you to loosen it up, okay? Mr.. J! Because! Mr. Phil’s the cool guy now! [ cracks up ]

Phil: Hey, dude, it’s just Phil. And, you’re right – you should be cool like me! Yeah.

Mr. J: Hey! I am cool! I’ll have you know I took this whole class to see a production of “Hair”!

Phil: [ laughing ] Really? My grandma loves that play!

[ the class laughs at Mr. J, as Phil pops a can of beer ]

Wally: Hey, he’s drinking a beer in class! That’s awesome!

Mr. J: [ unimpressed ] It’s 8:20 in the morning.

Phil: Hey! You should drink a beer, too, bro! [ tosses a beer to Wally ] If you’re old enough to vote, in my book, that means you’re old enough to vote! Cheers!

Class: Yeah!! Alright!!

Mr. J: No, no, he’s not right! You guys are sophomores! The only people old enough to drink in this room are me and him and Gino.

[ without having been tossed one, Gino pops open a beer and kicks it back ]

Phil: Wow. Yeah, you really love labeling people. If you love labels so much, maybe you should marry one! [ laughs ]

[ the class laughs along with Phil ]

Kelly: Yeah! You should go marry your labels!

Mr. J: [ trying not to crack himself up ] Alright. I’m sorry to have let you guys down. But I promised myself that I would leave if I ever started to bum you out, so.. I guess I’ll just be going..

[ suddenly, the Principal runs into the classroom with a pair of policemen ]

Principal: That’s him, Officers! That’s the imposter!

Mr. J: Imposter? No, that’s Mr. Roberts, the new History teacher.

Principal: No! Actually, he’s not! [ pulls off Phil’s wig ]

Mr. J: Mr. Gruber!! The science teacher!!

Kelly: What?! He’s the meanest teacher in school!

[ close-up of Mr. Gruber’s sneer ]

Mr. Gruber: And I almost got away with it, too! Well, at least for one day, I was cooler than you, Mr. J!

Principal: Well.. we’ll let you get back to your class.

Mr. Gruber: Just because I’m going to jail, doesn’t mean you’re not having tests on Monday! And, Gino, you still need a B to graduate!

[ Mr. Gruber is dragged out of the classroom ]

Wally: Wow. Sorry about that, Mr. J. You’re still gonna take us camping?

Mr. J: Of course, I will, Wally. Of course I will.

Kelly: Are you still gonna take me to get my abortion?

Mr. J: With a smile on my face!

[ close-up of Mr. J’s fresh-faced smile ]

Jingle:
“He’s Mr. J!
The Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger…..Darrell Hammond
Janitor…..Maya Rudolph
Dan Schwarz…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories:

This week, Bill Clinton’s presidential library in Little Rock, Arkansas, was officially opened, during a ceremony attended by dignitaries like Jesse Jackson, John Glenn, and the cast of “Desperate Housewives.” [picture of First Ladies Rosalynn Carter, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Barbara Bush and Laura Bush]

The Clinton Library contains over eighty million pages of documents, and will have one alcove dedicated to the Lewinsky scandal, just like the Oval Office did.

Amy Poehler: President Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice as his new Secretary of State this week, saying that she would be “America’s face to the world.” While Cheney will remain the finger.

When asked why he chose Rice to replace Colin Powell, the president responded, “Well, once you go black…” [applause]

Tina Fey: Hooray!

Advertisers launched a campaign this week to amend the Constitution so that foreign-born citizens can run for President. Here to defend the ads, the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[pan to Arnold; applause]

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hello Tina, Amy. Trust me when I say this, nothing I love more than the Constitution of the United States of America, what with the We the Peoples, and the more perfect unions, and the domestic tranquilities, and all of these things. But the Constitution as it is written now says I can’t be president, because I was born in Austria. This may have made sense- [clears his throat] in the days of the kings, and the ships, and the girly men with the wigs, and the wooden teeth out there.

Tina Fey: Yeah, but- but don’t you think it’s a little bit reckless to change the Constitution?

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Tina, so what that I’m Austrian? I mean, Tom Arnold was born in America. Do you want him to be your president? No! My friends, the time has come for change. The Constitution has changed many times! You know, what with the Indians, and the slaveries, and the telling the ladies they can vote, and the not being able to drinkings, and things of that nature.

I mean, if the Constitution hadn’t changed, then the Condoleezza Rices and the Colin Powells wouldn’t be allowed to do the votings and the drinking out there. Listen, listen to me, the change has been important in America! You know, with the riotings, and the front of the buses, and the havings of the dreams, and all of these things.

And now it’s time for change again, so we can allow the natural progression of freedoms, from the blacks, to the womens, to the gays, to the Austrians out there. I know what a lot of you are thinking. “This man’s from the future! He means us harm out there”—

Tina Fey: Yes, ac- actually, that is what I was thinking.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger: Trust me, Tina, when I say to you, that was just a role I played in a movie. And furthermore, that was not even a man from the future, that was a robot from the future! So you can throw that whole argument into the garbage. But one thing I will never throw into the garbage is the Constitution, because I’m the Constitutionator! [laughs]

Tina Fey: Future President Arnold Schwarzenegger, everyone! [applause]

Amy Poehler: The Constitutionator!

Pfizer has agreed to pull its “Wild Thing” Viagra television ads Monday after the FDA complained that they made the impotence drug sound like a recreational sex aide, and not the preferred form of grandma abuse that it is.

They’ve also decided—[cracks up] Pfizer has also decided to drop the idea of changing the name of the drug to “Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.”

During his acceptance speech at the American Music Awards, OutKast’s Big Boi paid tribute to former Wu-Tang Clan member Ol’ Dirty Bastard. And that’s this week’s Story That Won’t Make Sense to my Mom.

Hi Mom!

Tina Fey: Yeah, Amy’s mom!

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

With U.S. forces securing the insurgent stronghold of Fallujah this week, violence broke out in other cities, including Mosul and Detroit.

Amy Poehler: Wow!

The University of Great Falls in Montana has received a 2.3-million-dollar donation from the will of a former janitor at the school. So see, everybody, janitors do like being ignored while emptying your trash basket.

[Janitor enters, rolling a large trash can with her. She quietly empties two smaller wastepaper baskets under the desk into the can. Tina and Amy avoid eye contact. As the janitor exits, they suddenly call out to her]

Thank you! Thank you!

Tina Fey: Oh, thank you so much! Thank you so much!

Amy Poehler: Thank you.

Tina Fey: [laughs] William Safire, the conservative voice at the New York Times, announced that he will stop writing his Op-Ed column in January. Upon hearing the news, fellow columnist Maureen Dowd said, [removes her glasses, sighs, and speaks in a sultry voice] “That’s really…interesting…” [puts her glasses back on]

Amy Poehler: It was revealed this week that David Lee Roth has been training in New York to become an EMT. It’s not going well. [picture of David in his Van Halen outfit jumping out of an ambulance] Lee Roth, he’s jumpin’ outta the back of the ambulance!

Amtrak conductors have begun random checks of passengers’ identities as a precaution against terrorist attacks. Great news, because Amtrak is still my favorite way to travel. [begins to sing] Amtrak, America’s way to travel with weed! [some applause]

Tina Fey: American Airlines has begun offering passengers on-demand movies. Unfortunately, they no longer offer flights. [some applause] One or the other.

Amy Poehler: The holiday season officially kicks off next weekend with what is traditionally the biggest shopping day of the year. Here to talk about some of this year’s hot new toys is Dan Schwarz of the American Toy Manufacturer’s Association. Dan?

[pan to Dan; applause]

Dan Schwarz: Thank you. Hello Amy and Tina, it’s great to be here. Now look, I’m just a big kid at heart, and I can’t wait to show you my favorite toys from this year!

Amy Poehler: Oh, there’s some pretty good ones out this year, isn’t there?

Dan Schwarz: Absolutely. And now, one toy that I’m really excited about is this, OK? [holds up a small toy] This is called Bump-It. OK, it’s kinda like Simon, but with a wacky twist. Check it out!

[starts the toy. It calls out commands, such as “Bump it!” and “Twist it!” Dan follows these commands]

Amy Poehler: Cool!

Dan Schwarz: Alright, why don’t you give it a try, Amy? C’mon, it’s a lot of fun.

Amy Poehler: OK! Alright.

Dan Schwarz: Just do what it says.

[Amy starts the toy and follows the commands.]

You’re really good, Amy!

Tina Fey: Good!

Amy Poehler: Thanks!

[the toy calls out “Pull it!” repeatedly]

Is it- is it supposed to do that?

Dan Schwarz: It might be stuck or something. Let me see it. [handles the toy for a moment, then gives it back to Amy] Try it again.

[Amy continues to pull on the toy. It begins to cry, “Ooh! Yes! Pull it!” Amy puts the toy down]

Amy Poehler: Oh, alright! Hold on! [The toy stops. Applause]

Tina Fey: That looks fun.

Amy Poehler: No. I don’t think—it sounded like it said “Oh yeah,” or something like that. I don’t think it’s supposed to do that, ‘cause I don’t like that.

Dan Schwarz: OK. Well, maybe it’s broken. Let me- let me give it a little try over here. Here we go.

[starts the machine, but it calls out “No! No!”]

Amy Poehler: OK, alright.

Dan Schwarz: It’s not working. I don’t know—

Amy Poehler: Yeah, OK. This is the most popular toy? What is fun about this?

[pulls on the toy again. It shouts “Pull it! Yes! Like that!” louder and louder until it ends in a final orgasmic moan. Amy puts the toy down again]

That is gross! Got out of here, you pervert! God! For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Transcribed by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


December 11th, 2004

Colin Farrell

Scissor Sisters

None

Lindsay Lohan

Brett Hull

John Lutz
Kuwait BriefingSummary: Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) jerks the troops in Kuwait around while delivering a briefing.

Recurring Characters: Donald Rumsfeld.

Transcript

Montage

Colin Farrell’s MonologueSummary: Colin Farrell shows SNL’s male cast members how to pick up on Lindsay Lohan.

Bio: Colin Farrell (1976-). Irish-born actor; films include “Phone Booth” (2002), “Minority Report” (2002), and “The Recruit” (2003).

Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo RemoverSummary: Dr. Edward Turlington’s (Chris Parnell) lotion erases Mom’s (Amy Poehler) youthful attempts at coolness.

Note: Repeat from 03r.

Big Roach ProblemSummary: After bringing his date (Amy Poehler) back to his apartment, a man (Colin Farrell) must dispose of a big roach (Horatio Sanz).

Transcript

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) interviews Bono (Colin Farrell).

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones, Bono.

Transcript

Airport SecuritySummary: A female security officer (Amy Poehler) feels up a handsome man (Colin Farrell) under the guise of national security.

Transcript

Scissor Sisters perform “Take Your Mama”Bio: Gender-bender rockers from New York; members: singers Jake Shears and Ana Matronic, keyboardist/bassist Babydaddy, guitarists Del Marquis and Derek G, and drummer Paddy Boom.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Hockey star Brett Hull gives his thoughts on the hockey lockout and gay marriage in Canada. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler announce that they are mentoring Lindsay Lohan over the Christmas holidays. Colin Farrell gives a tongue-in-cheek review of “Alexander.”

Bio: Brett Hull (1964-). Athlete; National Hockey League player; son of hockey player Bobby Hull, and nephew of hockey player Dennis Hull; Stanley Cup winner as member of the Red Wings in 2002.

Transcript

Key PartySummary: A quintent of weird couples participate in a wife-swap party.

Note: Seth Meyers would later pitch this sketch idea to Paramount Studios as a feature-length film to be produced by Lorne Michaels and Broadway Video.

Transcript

Human Interest StorySummary: A reporter (Colin Farrell) tries to interview a window-washer (Kenan Thompson) on a shaky scaffold.

Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks, & Knick Knack ShackSummary: Pat (Horatio Sanz) and Patti’s (Maya Rudolph) merchandising is based on a rhyme-scheme.

Recurring Characters: Pat, Patti.

Transcript

Scissor Sisters perform “Comfortably Numb”

Merv the PervSummary: Merv (Chris Parnell) and his British cousin (Colin Farrell) hit on women at the office Christmas party.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

Note: This sketch was originally written as a Halloween party for the Jude Law episode, but was cut after dress rehearsal.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Oil RigSummary: Workers on an oil rig are revealed to be actors playing the part.

“The Apprentice” PromoSummary: While dressed as Santa Claus, Donald Trump (Darrell Hammond) records a new promo for “The Apprentice.”

Recurring Characters: Donald Trump.

Note: This sketch will air in next week’s episode hosted by Robert De Niro.

Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.

OprahSummary: Oprah Winfrey (Maya Rudolph) interviews the cast of “Ocean’s 12”, making other Colin Farrell feel out of place.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by David Spade.

Tom Brokaw, RetireeSummary: Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) enjoys retired life and calls Brian Williams (Seth Meyers) to say hello.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Brian Williams

Bear CitySummary: Christian bears accidentally sing Christmas carols for a Jewish bear household.

Note: This short film will air in next week’s episode hosted by Robert De Niro.

Drunk DialingSummary: Colin Farrell warns against making drunken crank calls on their cell phones.

Bear CitySummary: A bear has difficulty putting up Christmas lights on his house.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Airport Security

Man…..Colin Farrell
Old Woman…..Rachel Dratch
Karen…..Amy Poehler
Male Traveler…..Fred Armisen
Security Guard #1…..Finesse Mitchell
Security Guard #2…..Rob Riggle

[open on airport runway]

[dissolve to security checkpoint with indistinct announcements audible over PA system]

Man: Holiday travel. What a bitch, right?

Old Woman: Last year, they checked for explosives in my wig.

Karen: Can you step forward, please, sir? [man steps forward, and the metal detector beeps] Okay, I’m going to have to ask you to step over here, please, sir.

Man: Yeah, okay, but can we hurry this up? I think my flight’s boarding.

Karen: Sir, we can’t hurry safety, okay? I’m going to ask you to stand, feet shoulder width apart. Put your arms straight out and palms up.

[man assumes this position, and Karen moves a wand around his body, producing a loud electronic sound]

Man: That must be that metal plate in my head.

Karen: Wait a minute, sir, is that a joke?

Man: Yeah, it is.

Karen: Yeah, we take jokes very seriously here. Okay, I’m going to have to conduct a body search.

Man: All right.

Karen: Are you comfortable with me doing a body search?

Man: I think so.

Karen: Would you rather have a male officer do the body search?

Man: Is there one around?

Karen: I can get one.

Man: How long will that take? [puts his hands in his pockets]

Karen: Forty-five minutes to an hour.

Man: Okay, never mind, you can do the body search.

Karen: Okay, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to pat you down with my hands over your clothes. When I get to a sensitive area, I’m going to be using only the back of my hand. Back of my hand. Back of my hand only. [gestures from the back of each hand to the other] Are you comfortable with this?

Man: Yeah, I think so.

Karen: May I approach you at this time?

Man: Yes, please, I’m very late.

Karen: I’m going to start sir, just by–arms out, please [man raises his arms again]–I’m just going to start by checking your arms, checking your arms, using the back of my hand. [does so] Very official, okay? And, just your chest. Checking your chest, only with the back of my hand. [does so]

Man: Hey, you don’t have to explain every time.

Karen: Sir, yes, yes I do. Okay, all right. I want you to turn around and I’m going to check your back pockets, sir, again using only the back of my hand. [does so] So, just checking the back pockets, checking it with the back of the hand, and now I’m going to use the front of my hand. [gently grasps his buttock] Okay, sir, and then I need to use the front of both my hands, sir, just for a second, all right. Sir, I feel something, okay, so, very professional here, just standard procedure, I’m going to have to grab, grab and squeeze that area, grab it and squeeze it, sir. [does so] All right, still very professional, just grabbing and squeezing. And to confirm that you’re all clear, sir, just one final pinch, and– [pinches man’s buttocks, and he jumps]

Man: Great, so I’m all done?

Karen: Sir, I wish, okay. I’m going to need to search your lower torso with my inner thigh. Stand here please, sir. [straddles him in a standing position] Just standard operating procedure, official business. Do you have any tattoos, sir?

Man: Yeah, is that a problem?

Karen: Not for me. Okay, sir, I’m just going to pat down your area here. [places her hands under his crotch]

Man: Okay, look, now I’m uncomfortable with this.

Karen: Well, that’s perfect timing, because we’re done, sir.

Man: Okay, so I’ll just grab my bag.

Karen: With the first half of the body search, okay. Could you sit down for me, sir, please? [indicates a set of chairs]

Man: For the love of Pete, I’m afraid I’m going to miss me flight!

Karen: And I’m afraid you’re a security threat. A sexy, charming, security threat. Have a seat, sir. [he does so] Lift your right foot, please? [he does so] Great, and your left. [he does so] Okay, sir, thank you, you can put your foot down. I’m just going to take a seat on your lap here. [does so] Sir, again, using only the back of my hand, I am going to search up your shirt. [sticks her arm up his shirt at the waist] Patting, patting. And I am going to gently rub my hand through your hair, sir. [does so] And then with the back of my hand I’m just going to trace the outline of your face. [touches his cheek and mouth] All right, just going against the grain of your beard.

Man: What are you looking for?

Karen: Sir, could you not talk, please? It kind of ruins it for me.

Man: [shocked] What?!

[male traveler walks through the metal detector, setting it off, and he looks expectantly at Karen]

Karen: [indifferently] What?

Male Traveler: Don’t you have to search me?

Karen: Oh, yeah. Come here. [grazingly touches his chest and stomach in two or three places] Yeah, you’re good.

Man: [indignantly] Okay, now that was ridiculous!

Karen: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to be quiet, and maintain eye contact with me at all times. Because, don’t forget, it’s just about you and me, buddy, all right? And my name is Karen, so if at any point you want to say my name and lick your lips, that’s totally cool with me. Just a security procedure, sir, and for the last thing what I need to do is I’m going to search the inside of your mouth with my mouth. [leans in to kiss him]

Man: Okay, that’s enough! I’m officially uncomfortable! [stands, causing Karen to fall from his lap]

[two security guards arrive]

Security Guard #1: All right, Karen, let’s go. What are you doing?

Karen: I wasn’t doing anything! I was protecting these people!

Security Guard #2: Karen, you were fired three years ago. You can’t keep showing up and searching men.

Karen: Only using the back of my hand!

Security Guard #1: Let’s go. [leaves with Karen]

Man: Thank you, officer. Can I grab me bags now?

Security Guard #2: Yes, but first I’m going to have to ask you to go ahead and take your pants off and suck your thumb like a baby.

[the man moves as if he’s about to lift his shirt to get at his pants, and then stops and looks at the security guard in puzzlement]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!

Manuel…..Horatio Sanz
Fericito…..Fred Armison
Bono…..Colin Farrell

[We see a screen that says “Univision” and then we hear mariachi music playing as we see the words “Show Biz Grande Explosion” on the screen.]

Manuel: Welcome to Show Biz Grande Explosion! Here is your host, straight from Goofball Island…Fericito!

[Mariachi music plays, and Fericito runs out from behind a curtain.]

Fericito: Hey! Let’s get a beat going! C’mon. [Beats drum sticks together] Let’s hear it!

[He starts drumming. The crowd claps along.]

Fericito: Did you feel it?

Audience: Yeah!

Fericito: Did you feel it?

Audience: Yeah!

Fericito: All right. Did you hear about these baseball guys? Barry Bonds admitted to using eh-steroids. Hey Barry, the next time you get ‘roid rage, do what I do. Use Preparation H. [drums bah-dah-dah-ching] Aye Dios Mio!

Manuel: [laughing] Preparation H. That’s great.

Fericito: Manuel, do you even know what Preparation H is?

Manuel: [looks confused and caught off guard] Um, President Bush?

Fericito: President Bush?! Manuel is so dumb.

Manuel: How dumb is he?

Fericito: I’m talking about you! [motions at Manuel]

Manuel: Oh. How dumb is he?

Fericito: Manuel is so dumb; when he hears it’s chilly outside, he grabs a spoon! [drums bah-dah-dah-ching!] Aye Dios Mio!

Manuel: No chili on a show night. [laughs and points behind him at his bandmates] For these guys’ sake. [laughs, then whispers] Because of the fartalitos.

Fericito: [laughing] All right, give it up for Manuel Pantalones and His Mariachis.

[The band plays, Fericito sits down at his desk.]

Fericito: How was your weekend, Manuel?

Manuel: It was all right, you know. I wish I had better credit though.

Fericito: Manuel is so poor; he puts his cheeseburgers on layaway. [drums bah-dah-dah-ching!] Aye Dios Mio!

Manuel: [looks sad] That’s not cool man.

Fericito: [throws arms in the air] I’m just keeeeding!

Manuel: [laughs hard] Okay.

Fericito: My first guest is the lead singer for a group called U2. Please welcome Bono!

[Mariachi band plays, and Bono comes out from behind the curtain, shakes Fericito’s hand and does a little hop on one foot.]

Fericito: So Bono. What kind of a name is this? Are you a clown?

Bono: I’m many things. I’m a showman, a shaman, a madman, a sad man-

Fericito: [cuts Bono off mid-sentence] Okay, okay, I get it. Eh, why do you wear these uh-sunglasses?

Bono: Oh, you mean my shades?

Fericito: Yes. Is it too bright in here?

Bono: No.

Fericito: Are you blind?

Bono: No.

Fericito: Did you have surgery for cataracts?

Bono: [laughing] No.

Fericito: Did you have migraines?

Bono: No. [waves him off]

Manuel: Are you a California Raisin?

Bono: No.

Fericito: [looks irritated at Manuel] Manuel! I conduct the interviews, okay?! I’m sorry, Bono. That was very unprofessional. Are you cross-eyed?

Bono: No.

Fericito: Well, maybe we’ll never know. You are a mystery man, and I like that about you. Let me ask you about this thing you have here, the special iPod.

Bono: Yes. The lovely people at Apple have an exclusive iPod for U2. It can hold 5000 songs. It’s a beautiful thing.

Fericito: I agree. I have one myself. It is a special Fericito iPod from the people at Sanyo.

[Fericito holds up a cassette recorder with a microphone.]

Fericito: Look at this. It holds 15 songs, and [flips it over to display some wallet sized photos] look at that, your photos too.

Bono: Does your iPod have our songs on it?

Fericito: No, but I can download it right now.

[Fericito holds the microphone out to Bono.]

Fericito: You can sing into here, and you can do the song “Vertigo.”

Bono: I don’t have a band.

Fericito: That’s okay. I’ll play the drums.

[Bono takes the recorder and microphone and begins to sing “Vertigo.”]

Bono: Uno, dos, tres, quatorce-

Fericito: Hold it, hold on. [puts his hand up] Let’s think about this for a moment. Uh, the beginning of the song you are speaking Spanish, right? You are counting, and you say ‘Uno, dos, tres,’ which means…

Bono: One, two, three.

Fericito: Right. And then you say ‘quatorce,’ which means…

Bono: Fourteen [pointing slyly at Fericito like he’s so cool.]

Fericito: All right, so one, two, three, fourteen. Does that seem a little odd to you?

Bono: I know it doesn’t make sense, but music is about the expression and the rhythm of words. It’s about attitude.

Fericito: Senor Bono, the Spanish language is a very serious thing. To use it so carelessly is an insult to me and the entire Latin community! It’s just not professional!

Bono: [holds up the V/peace sign] Well, I’m deeply sorry. It was never my intention to offend anyone.

Fericito: Bono, [throws hand up] I’m just keeeeding!

Bono: [laughing] Aw, Fericito, man, you’re one of a kind, a true entertainer. Now, why don’t we rock this crowd? [U2’s “Vertigo” begins to play.]

Fericito: Let’s do it!

[They both jump up. The music is playing. Fericito is drumming, and Bono is dancing around singing as the scene ends.]

Submitted by: Nicole Sheldon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Goodnights

…..Colin Farrell

Colin Farrell: Thanks to Scissor Sisters, Lindsay Lohan, and Brent Hull. And everyone here – the cast and crew of SNL – for supplying me with one of the finest weeks I’ve ever had, I shit you not.

[ Lindsay Lohan laughs. Ana Matronic of Scissor Sisters facetiously covers her mouth in mock horror ]

And thanks a million, everyone – seriously, thanks a lot.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Key Party

Kathy…..Amy Poehler
Ted…..Seth Meyers
Owen…..Colin Farrell
Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Cheyenne…..Maya Rudolph
Victor…..Fred Armisen
Loretta…..Rachel Dratch
Leslie…..Chris Parnell
John George Peppers…..Will Forte
Missy Peppers…..Tina Fey

[open on exterior of home with Christmas decorations]

[dissolve to interior with a large group of people, and a glass bowl on a table in the center of the room]

Kathy: [laughs] Okay, everyone, gather around. I think it’s time that we start this key party.

Ted: Okay, I want to talk through the rules one more time. All the men will put their keys in the bowl, and then the women will pick a set, we’ll break into pairs, and I think you know what happens then.

Kathy: Yeah. There are three bedrooms open upstairs, an air bed in the den, and an upside-down kiddie pool in the garage.

Ted: And try to keep it down, because Kathy’s mom is upstairs, and she is sleeping.

Kathy: Yup.

Owen: [aside to Carol] You know what, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

Carol: [aside to Owen with ungainly, blaring voice used throughout skit] Don’t get cold feet now, honey. We talked about this. Our love is strong enough for us to share our love and our bodies with others.

Ted: Now, I know all of you by your online chat room names, but maybe it’s best if we run through our real names one more time.

Cheyenne: Cheyenne.

Victor: Victor.

Loretta: Loretta.

Leslie: Leslie.

John: John George Peppers.

Missy: Missy Peppers. [speaking through clenched teeth and with a slight speech impediment, used throughout the skit]

Owen: Owen.

Carol: Carol.

Ted: And I’m Ted, and this is my wife Kathy. And I must say, I’m very happy with tonight’s turnout. The fear has always been that a bunch of freaks are going to show up to these things.

Kathy: Yeah, it’s a really good group tonight, you guys. Great sexual energy.

Carol: I forgot everybody’s names. Let’s do the list again.

Cheyenne: Cheyenne.

Victor: Victor.

Loretta: Loretta.

Leslie: Les-lah.

John: John George Peppers.

Missy: Missy Peppers.

Owen: Owen.

Carol: Carol.

Ted: And I’m Ted, and this is Kathy. Now, we were very clear on the e-vite that everyone needed to come up with a safe word.

Kathy: Yeah, a safe word is just in case you’re in the middle of sex play or a scenario that’s making you uncomfortable and you want to stop.

Ted: So before we pair off, let’s go once and say our safe words.

Cheyenne: Parachute.

Victor: Nunchucks.

Loretta: Razzmatazz.

Leslie: Filibuster.

John: John George Peppers.

Missy: Popcorn.

Owen: Submarine.

Carol: Supercagifragilisticexpealidocious. [sic]

Ted: Mine is “more.”

Kathy: And mine is “harder.”

[Ted and Kathy laugh]

Ted: We’re just kidding. We do not have safe words.

Kathy: No, there’s nothing you can do to me that can make me feel uncomfortable.

Ted: Trust me, I’ve tried. I love you. [hugs her]

Owen: [aside to Carol] Baby, I don’t think this is such a good idea.

Carol: [aside to Owen] But I want to do this! I think it will be good for our relationship, because I love you, and I want to learn how to do other things to you.

Owen: [aside to Carol] Come on, let’s just go home. I’ll light some candles, I’ll slip you out of that girdle, flip on “The Jimmy Kimmel Show,” and our bodies will become one, baby.

Carol: [aside to Owen] But I want to do this. [to all] Oh, boy! The safe words made me forget your real names. Tell me again.

Cheyenne: Cheyenne.

Victor: Victor.

Loretta: Loretta.

Leslie: Les-lie.

John: John George Peppers.

Missy: Missy Peppers.

Owen: Owen.

Carol: Carol.

Ted: And I’m Ted, and this is Kathy.

Carol: Oh, boy. Now I forgot the safe words again. Say them!

Cheyenne: Parachute.

Victor: Nunchucks.

Loretta: Razzmatazz.

Leslie: Fie-la-booster.

John: John George Peppers.

Missy: Popcorn. [crosses her fists in front of her chest]

Owen: Submarine.

Carol: Superfragalasticisticespalabanocious. [sic]

Ted: And we don’t use them.

Kathy: No, do your worst.

Carol: I want to go first, ’cause I want to have sex with a stranger.

Owen: Baby, wait. Wait. [while Owen speaks, carol touches his face tenderly] When I married you, I knew I was the luckiest bastard on the face of the Earth. And I swore I would do whatever it takes to make you happy. And if that means you need to do this, well, all I can ask is that you promise me you won’t fall in love with anyone else!

Carol: No can do! [pushes Owen onto the couch] Give me all the keys! [picks up the bowl of keys and lifts one set] Ew! These are yours! [throws them at Owen] Come on, everybody! [barrels up the stairs]

Kathy: [brightly] Oh, it’s an orgy!

Carol: It’s an orgy!

[everybody but Owen and Missy follow Carol upstairs]

Owen: [rests his head glumly on the banister, and then looks at Missy, tosses his keys in the air and catches them] Well, why not? Do you want to move to the couch? [puts an arm around Missy]

Missy: Popcorn! Popcorn! [crosses her fists in front of her chest while pulling away from Owen]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Merv the Perv

Boss…..Seth Meyers
Merv the Perv…..Chris Parnell
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Rachel…..Rachel Dratch
Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Steve the Skeeve…..Colin Farrell

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ dissolve to poster ]

[ Poster reads: “Hesslebart & Minton CHRISTMAS PARTY 4PM Main Cinference Room” ]

[ dissolve to interior, main conference room ]

Boss: Alright, everybody! Now that I have your attention, just a couple of quick announcements: We’ve had a great Fall quarter, here at Hesslebart & Minton. What do you say we keep it going into the new year, huh?

[ the employees cheer ]

Boss: Okay, okay, that’s enough business talk! I’m gonna go refill the egg nog bowl — again. [ everyone giggles ] You guys relax, have a few drinks, and let’s just try to blow off a little steam, okay?

[ Merv the Perv saunters in ]

Merv the Perv: Hey! You guys talkin’ about blowin’ off a little steam? Allow me to introduce “Steam” — AKA: [ points below ] my weiner.

Boss: Merv. Not glad you could make it.

Merv the Perv: Mmm-mmm. That’s Merv — the Perv.

[ cut to animated theme slide of an attractive woman. Merv The Perv appears on her shoulder ]

Merv the Perv V/O: [ singing ] “I’m talkin’ lo-ove! It’s a crazy roller coaster ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!! [ jumps into the woman’s cleavage, poking his head out playfully ] I’m sayin’ lo-ove! You know it comes from deep insi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!! [ falls through the woman’s body and exits between her legs to the floor ] Now we’re livin’ and laughin’, learnin’ ’cause he’s truly Merv the Perv. That’s Merv the Perv!”

[ dissolve back to the Christmas party, as Merv approaches three female co-workers ]

Merv the Perv: Ho-ho-ho, ladies! Who wants to sit on Santa’s lap?

Amy: No thanks, Merv.

Merv the Perv: Alright, fine — how ’bout my face?

Rachel: Come on, Merv! It’s the holiday season!

Merv the Perv: Yeah? [ singing ] “‘Tis the season to get my jollies — fa-la-la-la-la…” [ he laps his tongue in a disgusting manner ]

Rachel: Gross!!

Amy: Look, Merv, why don’t you go jump out a window?

Merv the Perv: Or — why don’t I go jump on… a Widow? [ turns as an older female co-workers walks past ] And how do you do, Mrs. Goldblatt?

[ he chuckles lasciviously, as she makes a face and scampers off ]

Merv the Perv: [ looking above Amy and Rachel’s heads ] Hey! Lucky me! You two are standing underneath the mistletoe!

Amy: [ looks up ] There’s no mistletoe, Merv.

Merv the Perv: Hmm…

[ a mustachioed stranger saunters in ]

Steve the Skeeve: [ with a Britsh accent ] That may be, but I see two camel toes with my name on them.

Merv the Perv: Nice!

[ Merv and Steve high-five one another and chuckle ]

[ Amy and Rachel are clearly impressed by the stranger that is inexplicably friends with Merv ]

Rachel: Merv! Um — aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?

Steve the Skeeve: The name’s Steve… [ extends his hand ] Steve the Skeeve. Now — which one of you wants to visit my… North Pole? Get it?

Amy & Rachel: [ chipperly ] Of course I do!! Yes!! That’s very funny!!

Merv the Perv: Hey, Steve here is my cousin from the UK. But you might say I’m from the F-U-C —

Amy: [ interrupting ] Yeah, we get it, Merv.

Steve the Skeeve: That’s right — I’m from across the pond, but, hopefully, later tonight, I’ll be across the blonde.

[ Merv and Steve laugh, as the girls titter ]

Rachel: [ whispering to Amy ] His accent is SO elegant..!

Merv the Perv: Hey, you want to hear my idea of elegant? You two slipping out of those antlers, heading back to my place, and massaging my planters horse with your boobies.

[ the girls remain speechless for a moment ]

Amy: Merv, you are such a bonehead!

Steve the Skeeve: Hey — I’ll supply the bone, you supply the head, we could make a movie.

[ Merv laughs ]

Amy: [ giggling ] Oh, my God — he’s like Shakespeare!

Merv the Perv: Hey, I LOVE Shakespeare! Speaking of which, I’ll be putting on a production of Core-a-lanus out in my van! Who wants to audition?

[ a visibly pregnant Maya steps forward, and whispers into the girls’ ears ]

Maya: Hey, girls — who’s the hunk with Merv the Perv?

Amy: Back off, I saw him first.

Merv the Perv: Howdy, Preggo! If that’s a little lady you’ve got in there, then I’m lookin’ at my first three-way!

Maya: [ stunned ] That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Steve the Skeeve: [ stepping forward ] Hey there, beautiful. If you’re not busy later, how about we adjoin to the janitor’s closet, drop trou, and see if I can hit baby?

Maya: [ blushing ] Wow! You know just what to say!

Steve the Skeeve: [ drops to his knees and touches Maya’s belly ] Hey, little fella… better make some room in there, it’s about to get real crowded.

Rachel: Wow! She’s so lucky!

Amy: I know — tell me about it!

Merv the Perv: [ points to his genitals ] I’ll tell you about this: three solid inches of hairless, wrinkled pleasure with your name on it! [ motions his fingers ] Come and get some.

Rachel: Okay! That’s it! Merv, you need to learn a lesson from your cousin, Steve the Skeeve here. He is a gentleman, and he treats women with RESPECT!

[ Steve pops his head out from under Rachel’s skirt ]

Steve the Skeeve: Merv, you have GOT to check this out! The view from down here is FANTASTIC!

Merv the Perv: [ chuckles ] I’m sure it is, Steve… but I can take a hint. These ladies clearly want me to leave, so I guess I’ll just take off… MY PANTS!!

[ Merv pulls his breakaway pants loose to reveal a red-and-green candy cane thong ]

Girls: Oh, Merrrrrrrvv!!

Merv the Perv: Hey, that’s Merv… the Perv!

[ a circle surrounds Merv and Steve ]

Merv the Perv V/O: [ singing ] “That’s Merv the Perv!”

Merv and Steve: Merry Christmas, ladies!

[ SUPER: “Based on the comedy of Mervin Watson” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 7

04g: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters

Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks, & Knick Knack Shack

Pat Sylviak…..Horatio Sanz
Patti Sylviak…..Maya Rudolph
Zack Kakinsakis…..Colin Farrell

Pat: How many times has this happened? You’re shopping for slacks and smack you have a snack attack. But after you get your snack you have to backtrack to the shack that sells knick knacks.

Patti: How would you react if we told you that now you can get your slacks, snacks and knick knacks all in one shack?

Pat: Hi, I’m Pat Sylviak.

Patti: And I’m Patti Sylviak. And we’re the owners of Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack. So if you’re looking for all of that you’re on the right track.

Pat: Let us show you some of our slacks. We have ‘em in black. Just listen to our stock boy, Zack Kakinsakis.

Zack: Hi, Pat and Patti.

Pat and Patti: Hi, Zack.

Patti: You want to get in on the act?

Zack: I do, as a matter of fact. You might think I’m whack, but I could spend all afternoon looking at this fantastic rack of slacks. All our slacks have elastic waistbands intact. And look at that. Snap, snap, snap. This backflap tacks back just like that. And all our slacks come in black, khaki, lilac, and blue. I’m sorry, that’s blue-black, Pat. Look at that! And across the back of this slack, the union jack. Look at that!

Patti: Zack, I gotta ask – do these slacks make my back end look fat?

Zack: Let me tell you something, Aunt Pat, your ass in those slacks is where it’s at.

Patti: Watch it Zack, you’re gonna get a smack.

Pat: I better get a snack.

Zack: We got cracker jacks, cheesy mac, tic tacs, and mini stacks of Monterey jack.

Pat: Hey guys, how about I show you some knick knacks? Candles made of beeswax with signs of the zodiac.

Patti: Hand-crafted welcome mats with rubber backs.

Zack: And don’t forget this vintage hand-shellacked plaque of Fleetwood Mac.

Patti: Oh no, don’t sell that! Keep that in the back with my blacklight poster of Roberta Flack.

Pat: And don’t forget to put your John Hancock on this card we’re sending with a sack of slacks to the troops in Iraq.

Patti: And this week relax, no tax. And now shop on-line at… http://www.patnpattisslackssnacksandknickknacks@patnpattisbackpackshack.ack

Pat: What do you say to that Zack?

Zack: What are you, jacked up on crack? Make tracks down to Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack.

[Music and singing]

Pat, Patti, and Zack:
“Slacks, snacks and knick knacks
Come to Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack.”

Patti and Zack: At Pat ‘N Patti’s…

Pat: Slack, slack, slacks.

Patti and Zack: At Pat ‘N Patti’s…

Pat: Snack, snack, snacks.

Pat, Patti, and Zack: Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack!

Zack: Baby’s got slacks!

Narrator: Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack. Right next to Kowansak Cadillac. Where Cermack meets Tamarac.

Submitted by: Santiago Edison

SNL Transcripts