Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
(Dissolve from a Jude Law still photo to a still shot of the New York skyline with the words: Promotional Services Furnished by Columbia Pictures to Jude Law hugging Ashlee Simpson shortly after her second song turned into disaster)
Jude Law: What can I say, it’s live TV.
Ashlee Simpson: Exactly, I feel so bad, my band started playing the wrong song, and I didn’t know what to do, so I thought I’d do a hoe-down. I’m sorry!
(Jude Law simulates Ashlee Simpson’s pose, as though implying she’s full of it)
Jude Law: Ashlee Simpson!
Ashlee Simpson: I didn’t mean for it to happen.
Jude Law: The cast! Everybody here! Go see “Alfie”! It opens November 30th. Thank you!
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Ed Gillespie…..Seth Meyers Mary Beth Cahill…..Amy Poehler Zell Miller…..Will Forte
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball” I’m Chris Matthews. ….. handling him like Kobe Bryant backstage at the Teen Choice Awards. Has President Bush lost his momentum, and will Kerry capitalize? Here to discuss is chairman of the Republican National Committee, a man who never stops smiling, ever. Ed Gillespie.
Ed Gillespie: [smiling strangely] Chris, thank you so much for having me. You guys are doing a wonderful job here. I gotta say –
Chris Matthews: – Nope! Also joining us, Kerry campaign manager, Mary Beth Cahill.
Mary Beth Cahill: [eyes sticking out] Great to be here, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Good god, Cahill. I haven’t seen eyes like that since Jim Henson glued ’em to a sock. Ed Gillespie, let’s start with you. How does Bush plan to rebound from his lackluster performance in these debates?
Ed Gillespie: Simple, Chris. By staying on message. And that message is that George Bush is the only candidate who can win the war on terror. I don’t know if you’ve seen our new ad, but terrorist are like wolves. I think people want a president, like George Bush, who will strip himself to the waste, run full speed into the forest, and kill the wolves with his bare hands. Sure, John Kerry like to play dress up in camouflage and shoot geese, but while he’s out hunting geese, there’s a wolf in your house, eating your baby.
Chris Matthews: That’s a pretty impressive fear mongering, Gillespie. Between the war mongering in Iraq and the fear mongering here at home, how muchmongering do you have left? Ha! Mary Beth Cahill, John Kerry has taken some eatin the past week from mentioning the vice-president’s daughter’s a lesbian. Will that remark end up hurting Kerry come November 2nd?
Mary Beth Cahill: Chris, Mary Cheney is an outspoken lesbian. So as far as we’re concerned, she’s fair game. We shouldn’t have to tiptoe around that fact anymore than we should tiptoe around the fact that her father, Dick Cheney, is slightly overweight. We’re not telling anyone anything they don’t already know. Mary Cheney is a hardcore carpet cleaner. … And her dad is a big ol’ fatty boombalatty.
Chris Matthews: Good god. Ed Gillespie, recent polls show Senator Kerry is gaining as much as 11 points over the coarse of the last month. Are youconcerned?
Ed Gillespie: Golly, Chris. I don’t know what polls you’re looking at. According to everyone I’ve talked to at the Republican National Committee, Bush is going to win anywhere from 97 to 100% of the popular vote. I’m not trying to spin you there, Chris. It’s going really good.
Chris Matthews: You gotta be kidding me, Gillespie. You’re spinning harder than George Bush’s college dorm room after nicke-de-bel-bleh-[mumbling] beer night! Mary Beth Cahill, how are the polls effecting John Kerry now that we’re approaching the home stretch?
Mary Beth Cahill: Chris, we don’t run our campaign according to the latest polls, we prefer to stick to the issues that affect the American people. Issues like the fact that our vice-president’s daughter is a stone-cold lesbone. Or that she may, from time to time, take a vacation diving for muff off the coast of “dyke”-achusetts. Or that she wakes up early in the morning, looks over at her life partner, and lovingly says “time to bang the donut!”
[Cahill stares at camera with wide open eyes, Chris looks confused]
Chris Matthews: Correct me if I’m wrong, but we’re still talking about apresidential election right?
Mary Beth Cahill: I’m not sure anymore, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Joining us now is someone who might be able to shed some light on how Bush can regain some of that post-convention momentum. Key note speaker at the Republican National Convention and a guy who would have chilled the crowd at the Nuremberg rallies, democratic senator, Zell Miller.
Zell Miller: [shouting hysterically] It’s good to be here, Chris!!!
Chris Matthews: Senator Miller, some have said that your appearance at the convention may have backfired for the president, saying you came off as angry. How do you respond to that?
Zell Miller: You know what makes me angry, Chris?!! Sadaam Hussein!!! Osama Bin Laden makes me angry!!! John Kerry makes me angry with his $200 haircuts, his fancy ketchup wife, and his Ben Frank-o’s!!! I don’t want my president to be some liberal senator from Massachusetts. I want a president who protects my family with big old bombs and airplanes and spaceships!!! John Kerry wants to give our soldiers spitballs Chris!!! SPITBALLS!!!
Chris Matthews: You don’t seriously believe that, Senator Miller?
Zell Miller: What’d you say to me, boy?!!
Chris Matthews: I said you can’t honestly suggest that Senator Kerry would arm our troops with spitballs?
Zell Miller: It was a metaphor, Chris!!! I’ll tell you what, I wish we was in the days where you could still challenge a man to a duel!!! I’d come down there and slap the yellow off of that head of yours!!!
Chris Matthews: All right. Before Zell Miller gets down here and murders me, final thoughts. Smiley?
[Gillespie smiling excitedly]
Ed Gillespie: Just polled myself. Looks like 100% of me is going to vote for Bush.
Chris Matthews: No kidding. Googly eyes?
[Cahill stares around with eyes wide open]
Mary Beth Cahill: All this talk about polls, you know whose never been poled in her life?? Mary Cheney!
Chris Matthews: Yico rooney. Yosemite Sam?
[Miller pulls out two shotguns]
Zell Miller: The pistols and I, Matthews!!! You and me!!! 20 paces!! YOU’RE A DEAD MAN!!!
Chris Matthews: When we come back, Senator Miller is going to try to shoot me, and we’ll see if Mary Beth Cahill’s eyes pop out of her head, but first … “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Paris Hilton…Maya Rudolph Nicky Hilton…Jude Law Nicole Richie…Rachel Dratch
Paris: Hi, I’m Paris Hilton and this is my sister Nicky.
[Nicky turns around]
Nicky: Hi. I like your outfit, Paris, it’s hot.
Paris: Thanks. I like yours too. It’s hot.
Nicky: Thanks.
Paris: But you know what’s not hot? The “n” word.
Nicky: You’re right. It’s not hot.
Paris: No it’s not. But you know what is hot? Saying you’re sorry.
Nicole: Paris! Paris!
Paris: Hey Nicole.
Nicole: Look! I found this in my car.
[Dangles a tree shaped car freshener]
Nicky: Well that’s hot.
Nicole: It smells like coconut. Should I eat it?
Paris: Nicole, that’s air freshener.
Nicole: I’m just gonna eat it. [She leaves]
Paris: Where were we? Oh yeah I was apologizing for using the “n” word.
Nicky: You guys, Paris is a lot of things. A dog owner, a semi professional porn star. She can burp her own name.
Paris: [Burping] Paris.
[They both giggle, do a high five and suddenly become serious]
Nicky: That’s hot…But she is not racist. Racist is so not hot.
Paris: No, I agree. It doesn’t get any less hotter than racism…Hey are you still married?
Nicky: No.
Paris: That’s hot….So to prove to you that I am not a racist, therefore hot, here’s a list of black guys I think are hot and I would totally have sex with, or might have already had sex with.
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Shaq…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Usher…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Wayne Brady…
Nicky: Really hot.
Paris: Arsenio …
Nicky: So hot!
Paris: Steve Harvey…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: George Hamilton…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Hootie…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Bernie Mac…
Nicky: Mmmm…not so hot.
Paris: The Ohio Players…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Ronnie…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Bobby…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Ricky…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: and Mike…
Nicky: Hot.
Paris: Arch Bishop Dime Magic Wand…
Nicky: So totally hot.
Paris: ‘Lil Romeo…
Nicky: Kind of hot.
Paris: And maybe, if I was really drunk…Webster.
Nicky: Oh, Webster’s hot.
Paris: He’s really small! So forget I said the “n” word and next time you think i’m a racist, picture me doing it with a black guy. Thanks!
Nicky: Stay hot!
Announcer: This has been an apology from Paris Hilton.
Jude: Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here in New York City. Thank you! Alot of you may know me from my filmwork. Perhaps from the ( counts on his fingers) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 films Ihave coming out right now. But you know I actually started in the theatre. And hosting this show reminds me of that time in my life. When everyone would work very long hours, stay up nights rehearsing until everything was just right. Because we loved it so much. I remember my first opening night in a reperatory theatre. I was playing Happy in “Death of a Salesman,” at the West Yorkshire Playhouse in Leagues. I went to the theatre very early that night. I remember sitting in my tiny dressing room, with a bare lightbulb hanging from the ceiling, and even though it smelled like cigarettes and stale beer I had never been happier. As I was putting on my makeup, I looked in the mirror- I can remember thi so clearly- I looked in the mirror, and I thought “I am so good looking.” I mean look at this face. This face does not belong in a crappy little theatre in Leagues. (is handed a microphone). Honestly. [sings] “I took one look in the mirror, and I could clearly see that there was one perfect thing in it, and that thing was me.” You know people think it’s easy going through life looking like this. It is. It’s easy. [sings] “I don’t need to really act, I don’t need a big heart, I don’t need to be nice, I don’t need to be smart.” I am, that’s just a bonus. Ladies.
(Rachel, Tina, Amy, and Maya enter onstage.)
Girls: [singing] “He’s the most beautiful man we ever saw. In some states that smile’s against the law.”
Rachel: I want to be against the law – Jude Law, that is.
Girls: [singing] “We don’t meant to be crude, but when we’re in the mood, the one man we think of is Jude.”
Rachel: Thinking of Jude.
Tina: Totally nude.
Rachel: About to be screw-
Jude: Alright. [sings] “I’ve made women swoon, and Matt Damon cry, made Nicole Kidman melt when she gazed in my eyes. My looks don’t fit the common belief, that Englishmen have big ears and, bad teeth.”
Girls [singing] “He’s the most beautiful man in the world.”
Jude: You know when you’re this good looking people think you’re gay. I’m just English. I’m so good looking I don’t even need to be funny to make people laugh. Watch this. Tina?
Tina: What is it, Jude?
Jude: What’s that over there? (points offstage)
(Tina looks then looks back at Jude)
Jude: Made you look.
Tina: Ha ha ha ha ha ha, good one!
Jude: See what I mean?
Tina: That is so funny, and I’m a professional comedian.
Jude: It’s so easy. No one even ever corrects me. Everyone, tonight’s musical guest, Jessica Simpson!
Ashlee: (comes onstage) Actually it’s- you can call me Jessica.
Jude: Maya? Maya, have you met Jessica?
Maya: (Shakes Ashlee’s hand) Hi Jessica.
Ashlee: Actually it’s Ashlee.
Jude: Ashlee?
Ashlee: Ashlee, yeah.
Jude: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Maya: Oh, it’s okay.
Ashlee: It’s totally okay.
(Ashlee, Maya, and Amy all talk at the same time. It’s hard to tell what each one is saying.)
Amy: I love you!
Jude: [sings] “I’m just a regular guy.”
Girls: [singing] “No you’re more than okay.”
Maya: [singing] “I’d like to get to know you in a big way.”
Girls: [singing] “We don’t mean to be rude, but we can conclude, that we’re in the mood for a man named, (start to make a circle around Jude) na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Hey Jude!”
Jude: [sings] “Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Jude, Wow!” (girls still singing in the background) Thank you very much. ASHLEE Simpson is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.
(fade away with girls still singing and circling around Jude)
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hamond Director’s Voice…..Seth Meyers
[ open on Halloween background foliage ]
Director’s Voice: Okay. Uh.. Mr. Trump. If you could just step on your mark?
[ Donald Trump, dressed as Dracula, complete with black cape and fake fangs, over his usual business suit, steps in front of the background foliage ]
Director’s Voice: Did you, uh.. did you get a chance to see the script?
Donald Trump: [ with authority ] Here’s how I want this commercial to go: I’m gonna say the words from the script in the camera, while you film it. Then, you’re gonna edit to exactly thirty seconds, which is gonna be hard, ’cause there’s gonna be a lot of good stuff!
Director’s Voice: Yeah, that’s how we usually do it.
Donald Trump: Then, you’re gonna air it! And it’s gonna get the highest ratings of any promo in the history of NBC, not to mention the history of television!
Director’s Voice: Promos actually don’t get ratings, so —
Donald Trump: Let’s do this!
Director’s Voice: Okay. Here we go. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2..
[ camera zooms close on Trump, as a logo for “The Apprentice” appears on the bottom left corner of the screen. Trump stands motionless. ]
Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump, is something wrong?
[ logo dissolves ]
Donald Trump: You didn’t say “1”.
Director’s Voice: [ light chuckle ] Oh, yeah.. oh.. sorry, we don’t usually say “1”, because you may hear it on the tape.
Donald Trump: Alright, here’s what you’re gonna do: I want you to count backwards from 5, and when you get to 1, you won’t say it, and that way you won’t hear it on the tape. Then, you’ll point to me, and then I’ll begin saying my lines. And then, you will take what we just recorded —
Director’s Voice: Yes! We get it. Good. Thank you. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2 —
[ camera zooms close on Trump ]
Donald Trump: 1!
[ logo appears ]
Donald Trump: [ reading stiffly from the cue cards ] “Hello, this is The Donald from Trumpsylvania, telling you to watch this week’s special Halloween episode of “The Apprentice”. These contestants are gonna be shaking in their suits, because, unlike Frankenstein, I am not afraid of fire – ing – any of them! Moo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo, ha, ha-ha, ha!” [ lifts his cape up over his shoulders ] That was great.
Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump, we should probably do that again.
Donald Trump: I think we should do it again. I didn’t point when I said “The Apprentice.”
Director’s Voice: Okay. So, let’s try it again. And, in the end, it’s sort of like an evil villain luag,h like
Donald Trump: Alright, you just watch what I do. I think you’ll find it very professional.
Director’s Voice: Great. Here we go. In 5.. 4.. 3.. 2 —
[ camera zooms close on Trump ]
Donald Trump: 1!
[ logo appears ]
Donald Trump: “Hello, this is The Donald from Trumpsylvania — and you’ve already got this part on tape, so you can splice it, and “Moo-hoo, hoo-hoo, hoo, hey, hey, hey. [ points ] “The Apprentice!””
[ logo dissolves ]
Director’s Voice: Umm.. Mr. Trump, we can’t really splice that middle part, so we’re gonna have to do it again.
Donald Trump: Okay, but this time I’m gonna freestyle it, like I did in that Visa commercial, which, by the way, got tremendous ratings, and so will this promo.
Director’s Voice: Yeah, but, once again, promos don’t get ratings, so —
Donald Trump: [ as camera zooms on him ] And 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. [ points to himself ] 1!
[ logo appears ]
Donald Trump: “Hello, this is Count Trumpula. I vant to suck your blood.. but I von’t, if you vatch “The Apprentice” this veek. Moo-hoo! Moo-hoo-hoo! Moo-hoo-hoo-hoo!” [ throws cape over his shoulder again, then lowers his arm ] And then, right here, I’m gonna stand. And I want you to do some fancy graphic thing where I break into pieces like glass, and then every piece turns into a real bat, and every bat flies away!
Director’s Voice: Um.. Mr. Trump —
Donald Trump: And then the last bat turns into the NBC Peacock, but with fangs! And maybe in the end we can get, you know, Steven Tyler to do a guitar thiiiing.
Director’s Voice: Mr. Trump, we have to play this on the air tonight, so I think we’re done.
Donald Trump: I think we’re done.
Director’s Voice: [ less than enthusiastic ] Great.
[ logo dissolves ]
Donald Trump: This turned out fantastic. This commercial’s gonna be huge – huuuuuge! I think we’re gonna get a real impressive rating in the reruns, too. [ flashes tow peace signs, then walks off the set ]
Director’s Voice: Mr. Trump! Mr. Trump! Uh.. you can actually leave the Dracula cape here..
[ Trump steps back onto the set ]
Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna leave the cape —
Director’s Voice: Great.
Donald Trump: Then, I’m gonna go use the john —
Director’s Voice: Okay.
Donald Trump: Then, I’m gonna get in the elevator —
Director’s Voice: Uh-huh.
Donald Trump: And I want it to lower me to the lobby. Alright? Lower me all the way down to the lobby. Okay? I like the numbers. I want them to light up as we go down – 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. [ points to himself ] 1! And then I walk out. And then I want thew car to have Derek Jeter in it, and all of that —
Announcer: You’re watching NBC, America’s #1 television network!
Disclaimer: ..among adults, 24 to 26, in non-metropolitan areas.
[ dissolve to awards show montage reel ]
Announcer: Live, from the Circus Circus Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.. it’s the 17th Annual Adult Movie Awards. Featuring appearances by..
Ron Jeremy..
Jenna Jameson..
Phil McCracken..
Urethra Franklin..
Betty Balzac and the Betty Balzac Dancers..
Jeremy Piven..
Dick Petersworth..
Dick Prong..
Dick Mcfeelie..
Dick Vhanes..
Dick Spitz..
Dick Rod..
Rod Dick..
Bill Mahar and “The Teabagger”..
Dick “The Penis” McPherson..
Jimmy Kimmel..
Rusty Tailpipe..
Krystal Ballz..
Tawny Kooter..
Rumple Foreskin..
Misty Britches..
Mary Hole..
“Saturday Night Live”‘s Darrell Hammond..
..and Maggie Gyllenballs.
[ dissolve to the awards stage ]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen.. your host for the evening – Rom Jeremy!
[ Ron Jeremy, in dark blazer and tropical shirt, steps up to the podium ]
Ron Jeremy: Hello, everyone. Hello. Welcome, once again, to the 17th —
[ the awards are cut off ]
Announcer: [ over matching SUPER ] “Due to heightened sensitivity and the threat of FCC fines, NBC regrets to inform our audience that certain portions of the Adult Film Awards have been deemed unsuitable for broadcast. We apologize for any inconvenience. We now rejoin the program.”
[ cut back to the awards, Ron Jeremy at the podium in only his tropical shirt and flanked by three porn actresses ]
Ron Jeremy: Well, that’s our show! [ chuckles ] Thanks for watching, everybody, we’ll see you next year!
(Opens with girls 2,3 and 4 getting in the backseat ofa car, they hold exotic drinks, girl 1 jumps on thepassenger seat)
Girl 2: Ha! It’s this one you guys. It’s right over here.
Girl 1: I cannot believe we’re actually partying in the Hampton’s!
Girl 4: This is so cool! How do you get some completestranger to drive us over to Russel Simmons’s party?
Girl 3: I know how she did it! (They all laugh)
Girl 2: You guys! It wasn’t like that! It was thecoolest. I saw this old guy sleeping on a table, Iwoke him up and he says he drives us wherever we wantto go.
Girl 1: Well, I’m ready to party! Where is this guy?
(Billy Joel gets in the driver’s seat and he’ssinging)
Billy Joel: Sing us a song you’re the piano man, sing us asong tonight. (Stops singing) Hello ladies! I’ll beyour chauffeur tonight. Billy Joel’s my name,driving’s the game! You may also know some of mysongs. “Piano man” “Uptown girl” “Still rock and rollto me” Nothing? (Girls nod their heads no) Ah, nobiggy. Where are you off to ladies?
Girl 1: We’re going to Russell Simmons’s house. (Theytake off)
Billy Joel: Been there many times. I’ve pissed on that poolbefore if you know what I mean.
Girl 3: No. What do you mean?
Billy Joel: I went to the bathroom in the pool. I think Ishould warn you I’m an excellent driver.
Girl 3: You look really familiar.
Billy Joel: Yeah, I’m Billy Joel. (Sings) You had to be abig shot, didn’t ya? Had to open up your mouth! (Stopssinging) Nothing? Oh, well what the hell! We’re in theHamptons. I can drive these streets blind.
Girl 1: Oh my God! (Car swerves, tires screech)
Billy Joel: That was close! (sings) Almost gave me a heartattack ak-ak-ak-ak (stops singing) Hahaha! Oh, that’s mysong from “Movin out”
Girl 3: Now I know who you are! You’re the guy thatwrote that musical.
Girl 1: Oh yeah, my mom took my nana and my aunt to that.
Billy Joel: Interesting story. It’s actually basedon… (Billy completely turns around to talk to thegirls on the backseat, girls scream)
Girl 1: Oh, my God!! (2 trash cans bounce from the hoodof the car, Billy takes the wheel and laughs)
Billy Joel: Oh!, couple of trash cans on the street! Uh…what was I saying?
Girl 2: Pay attention to the road, mister!
Billy Joel: You don’t need to worry about that. I’m anexcellent captain. I also wrote this littlediddy. (sings) Bottle of red, bottle of white… (stopssinging and once again turns to the backseat) ActuallyI got a bottle in the backseat probably.
Girls-Watch out!! (Children’s toys bounce and fly overthe hood of the car)
Girl 1: What are you doing?
Girls: Mailbox! Mmailbox!
(Mailbox crashes into the car and it lands right inthe middle of the windshield completely blocking theview. Amy is heard yelling “Oh my God!” and everyoneis cracking up. Horatio gets halfway out of the carthrough the car window and pushes the mailbox off thecar with a bottle. Much cheers and applause from theaudience for the blooper)
Girl 1: You know…
Billy Joel: (sings with a bottle) Look at this.Bottle ofpineapple Schnapps! Hells yeah! (takes a swig)
Girl 1: I could drive! I could drive! I could drive! Icould drive!
Billy Joel: Don’t even worry about it! These are mystreets! I’m a Long Island boy! Shortcut!!!! (crashthrough a gate, wood shatters and flies all over theplace, girls scream) (sings and pretends to play pianoon the dashboard) Friday night I crashed your party,Saturday I said I’m sorry! (stops singing) Right,ladies?
Girls: DOG!!!
Billy Joel:Ahhh! (dog bounces off the hood, woof!) Don’tworry, don’t worry! He’ll be all right. I’ve hit thatdog before! All right, too much excitement! I’m gonnapass out for a few seconds. (Billy passes out, carswerves out of control)
Girl 2: What?!
Girl 4: Do something!!
Girl 2: Grab the wheel!!
Girl 1: I don’t know what to do!
Girl 2: Wake up!, wake up!
(Billy wakes up)
Billy Joel: What?!, what?!, what?! (sings and dances) Andwe’re living here in Allentown!! (stops singing) Hey!,who’s driving this buggy?
Girl 3: You are mister! Please, stop!
Girl 1: I want to get out of this car right now!!
Billy Joel: (sings and pretends to play on thedashboard) I’d rather laugh with the sinners than crywith the saints, sinners are much more fun, only thegood die young!! (stops singing) Woooo!!!!
Girl 1: You know what? You are scaring me mister!
Billy Joel: Don’t I know it!
Girls: A brick wall!!!!Look out!!!
Billy Joel: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!
(They crash against the brick wall and pieces of itslam on the hood of the car, car stops)
Girl 2: Oh, my God! You could’ve killed us you creep!!
Girl 1: You should be in jail!!
Girl 4: YOU NEED HELP, BUSTER!!!!
Billy Joel: True. True enough. But I give you the estate ofMr. Russell Simmons’s!
(The girls all change their tunes)
Girls: Oooohhh!
Girl 1: Hey, are you gonna come in?
Billy Joel: Oh, man! I haven’t missed a party in theHampton’s in 20 years! Just point me towards the pool!
Girl 4: I wonder if there’s gonna be a band there….
[ dissolve to interior, Vice-President Cheney drinking from a cup of coffee ]
[ President Bush enters ]
President George W. Bush: Knock knock.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, good morning, Mr. President. Some coffee?
President George W. Bush: No. I’m good. [ holds up a Big Gulp ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. [ they sit ] You, uh.. you ready for our interview with the 9/11 commission?
President George W. Bush: Oh, I’m feeling great! I’m gonna ace this baby, estch!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: I’m glad to hear you’re so confident. Now.. Mr. President, we’re gonna have you answer the majority of the questions, so that people know that you’re in charge.
President George W. Bush: [ eating a muffin ] Mmm mmm.. I’m George W. Bush, and I approve this muffin.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay, Mr. President. Let’s just go over the signals we worked out, in case you can’t remember what to say.
President George W. Bush: Oh, forget the signals. I’m not scared of this commission. I’m ready for their questions! You see, people underestimate me – they think I’m dumb!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Th-th-they think you’re like Rain Man.. without the math skills?
President George W. Bush: Exactly! But I’m smarter than that. I’m also an excellent driver!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Even so, if you don’t mind I’d like to go over your.. testimony one more time, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Fine! Let’s do it. Let’s do it.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay. Here we go. “After leaving Florida, why was Air Force One sent to Omaha rather than returning to Washington?”
President George W. Bush: Uhhhh.. let’s see.. [ clears throat ] “It was a, uh.. [ looks on his hand ] ..stop-gap precautionary measure. Until we had., uh.. fully assessed the threat level.. in and around the White.. House.”
Vice-President Dick Cheney: That’s good.
President George W. Bush: [ proudly ] Yeah, I got it written on my hand here! [ laughs ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: I noticed that. Okay, next, uh.. “What actions, if any, were taken on the day you received the PDB regarding bin Laden’s threat of attack within the United States?”
President George W. Bush: I was hoping that one wasn’t gonna be on the quiz.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Well, I’m sure they’re gonna ask that question.
President George W. Bush: Alright, don’t worry.. don’t worry. Piece of cake. [ brief pause ] “Mr. Commissioner.. that’s a very good question, and I’ll tell you what I did after receiving that alarming information. [ pulls up his pants leg, reading from his leg ] A general alert.. was sent out.. to all.. law enforcement agencies –“
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Mr. President.. Mr. President.. okay, okay.. let me just stop you right there. I don’t think you’re gonna get away with that.
President George W. Bush: Yeah, you’re right – too much leg sweat, words get all smudgy.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. Let’s focus on something else. What if they ask you about.. integrating the intelligence-gathering branches of the federal government?
President George W. Bush: [ closes his eyes deep in thought ] I will be reassuring. I will seek to put their minds at ease. I will say, “Gentlemen, I have good news.”
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Good news?
President George W. Bush: I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance. ‘Cause I’m an excellent driver!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Please.. please don’t say that..
President George W. Bush: What? It’s an icebreaker!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: No, Mr. President.. you didn’t read any of the notes I made for you, did you?
President George W. Bush: I thought we laid this down on Day One – I’m not gonna be reading anything.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Uh.. Mr. President, the commission’s gonna be in the Oval Office within the hour. Do you think you’re prepared to sit ofr nearly four hours of questioning?
President George W. Bush: [ sipping his Big Gulp ] In a row?!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yes, sir. In a row. Mr. President, you’ve got to remember that body language is gonna be very important.
President George W. Bush: Oh, don’t worry, Dick – I’ve been working on it.
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. If they ask you about national security, you want to appear confident.
[ Bush folds his arms tightly ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. If they ask you about the FBI – thoughtful.
[ Bush places his folded hand upon his chin ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: If they ask you about funds diverted from Afghanistan – nothing to hide.
[ Bush spreads his legs apart and entices his hands in a “Gimme” pose ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright, let’s go through it one more time. Confident.
[ Bush folds his arms tightly ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Thoughtful.
[ Bush places his folded hand upon his chin ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Nothing to hide.
[ Bush spreads his legs apart and entices his hands in a “Gimme” pose ]
President George W. Bush: I got this body language thing down, I’m in control! Ask me anything! Come on!
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. “Mr. President, was the invasion of Iraq something you had planned from the very moment you took office?”
[ Bush wraps one leg around the other, and buries his face in his hands ]
Vice-President Dick Cheney: Mr. President? Excuse me. Sir, you’re gonna have to say something. Sir! Say something!
President George W. Bush: [ lowers his hands from his face ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ open on exterior, outdoor parade at Disneyland ]
[ dissolve to interior, Mickey’s Breakfast Jamboree, as Waiter approaches the McKusick family ]
Waiter: Good morning! Welcome to the Mickey’s Breakfast Jamboree! My name is Billiam, and I’ll be serving you today. You guys here on a special occasion?
Brother 1: Well, we’re here on that new Magical Gatherings family package. We’ve got the McKusick clan down from Ohio – right, guys? Say Hi!
Family: Hiiiii!!!!
Waiter: Well, great. Let me tell you Mickey’s specials today – we’ve got steak and eggs, served with some home fries and Mickey waffles.
Brother 2: [ excited ] Whoo-oooo! I loves me some Steak and Eggs!
Debbie Downer: Ever since they found Mad Cow Disease in the U.S., I’m not taking any chances. It can live in your body for years, before it ravages your brain.
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]
[ dissolve to jingle montage ]
Jingle: “You’re enjoying your day, everything’s gonig your way Then, along comes Debbie Downer! Always there to tell you about a new disease A car accident or killer bees. You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please.” But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”
[ zoom on Debbie’s sad face ]
[ dissolve back to the family gathering ]
Dad: We did it, gang! We pulled it off! A family reunion at Disney! I don’t know about you guys, but the first I’m gonna do is ride that haunted elevator thingie! [ laughs ] It drops you straight down!
Sister 1: This is my dream come true! I mean, I’m totally serious! Tigger hugged me at the door, and I thought I was gonna cry!
Sister 2: Awww..
Debbie Downer: [ sullenly ] I guess Roy isn’t doing as well as I first thought..
Sister 2: What? Who’s Roy?
Debbie Downer: Roy? Of Siegfried and Roy? He was attacked by his own tiger and suffered devestating injuries.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]
Brother 1: So, uh.. hey! Who wants to go on Space Mountain with me?
Family: Me!! Me!! Me!!
Sister 1: I want to see the Country Bear Jamboree!
Sister 2: I want to go to every country in Epcot, and greet them in their own native language! “Hola!” “Konnichiwa!” “Hi!”
Debbie Downer: Do you guys care about that train explosion in North Korea?
[ drunken trombone sound effect; Jimmy Fallon starts to crack up ]
Debbie Downer: The media is so sensitive there.. so secretive —
[ Rachel Dratch begins to crack up with Jimmy Fallon ]
Debbie Downer: — that they may never know how many people perished.
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch’s crumbling willpower ]
Waiter: Who’s ready for Mickey waffles!
Family: Oh, me! Me, me, me!!
Sister 1: Oh.. my.. God! I just made eye contact with Pluto! And he’s coming over here!
Brother 1: Pluto! Pluto!
[ guy in a Pluto costume comes over to hug Sister 1 ]
Sister 1: Oh, my God, oh, my God! I’m hugging Pluto! I’m at Disneyworld, and I’m hugging Pluto! Somebody take a picture!
[ everyone crowds around to be in the photo, as Debbie takes the picture with her camera ]
Debbie Downer: Wow, you guys, Disneyworld really is fun, it makes me feel like a kid again. I mean, the time before my two-year stint at Children’s.
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face as she takes the picture ]
[ everyone tries desperately not to crack up, as Pluto comes over ot hug Debbie ]
Debbie Downer: Oh.. hey.. hey, Pluto, hi. Boy.. it must be fun to work here.. although, the biggest drawback to working in a theme park is that you must live in constant fear of deadly terrorist attacks.
[ the jovial Pluto stops being so jovial, its tongue hanging out rather sad and pitiful in light of Debbie’s statement ]
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch’s crumbling willpower ]
[ Pluto runs off ]
Brother 1: Pluto.. Pluto, wait, where are you going?
Debbie Downer: With that costume on, he’s probably under the early stages of heatstroke.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face. . Rachel Dratch begins to crack up and covers her face with her hand as she loses it completely ]
Debbie Downer: Speaking of — [ cracks up ] Speaking of —
[ Amy Poehler has her head down and is laughing. Rachel Dratch is trying to stop laughing as she gets on with the rest of the sketch ]
Debbie Downer: Speaking of heat.. if this greenhouse effect keeps up, we’ll all be living underwater.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face which breaks because of her cracking up; Rachel Dratch tries to hold her breath to keep from cracking up, but it doesnt work that well ]
Debbie Downer: By the way — [ cracks up ] By the way, it’s official — [ pauses extensively to hold in her laughter; Jimmy Fallon is looking at her. Dratchs voice breaks as she says the next line]: I can’t have children! [Jimmy Fallon covers his face with his hands to keep from laughing]
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbies face, which is distraught with laughter. At this point, everyone at the table is cracking up, except for Fred Armisen, who is just smiling to keep from laughing ]
Sister 1: Okay. You know what, Debbie? [ stands ] You are totally ruining my trip to Disne — [ cracks up in the middle of her anger, then composes herself quickly as Horatio Sanz is wiping his tears of laughter with a Mickey Mouse waffle ] I didn’t say a word during It’s A Small World, when you talked about low birth weight! Or, during the fireworks when you went on — [ cracks up again, tries to sit down, but gets back up and finishes the line ] When you when on and on about feline AIDS!
Debbie Downer: It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.
[ meowing sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]
Sister #1: I cant take this! [leaves in a huff
Debbie Downer: So, after this, we’ll head to the park, guys? [ cracks up ] Lather up the sunscreen. I had a mole looked at recently, and the doctor told me that, due tothe extent of its irregular borders, I’m flirting with a melanoma.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face; Rachel Dratch again tries to hold her breath to keep from laughing ]
[ everyone abruptly leaves the table ]
Debbie Downer: You guys go ahead. I’ll meet you at my favorite ride – the Hall of Presidents.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Jingle: “But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”
debbie Downer: They never did catch that anthrax guy.
Lindsey Lohan: Thanks to Usher, Ludicris, Lorne, the cast, the crew! Hair, make-up, my family! Amy, Tina, everybody here! Good night! Thank you so much.
