Category: 2000

Backstreet Boys

Jingle: “Backstreet boys Backstreet Boys
Sucking all over the place
Putting out hits.
Yeah, they sound like [ bleep ]
They’re even sucking in outer space
Backstreet boys, Backstreet boys
Suckin’ hard for the human race.”

Mr. Gordon: Go ahead, Brian.

Brian: Testing, one, two-

Mr. Gordon: That’s plenty, Brian.

Brian: Thanks, Mr. Gordon.

Mr. Gordon: Okay, the levels are good. You guys ready to suck?

Brian: You bet, sir.

Kevin: Guys, we have to pick the order of the songs.

Mr. Gordon: Well, how do you wanna suck first? “Back to Your Heart” or “I Want it That Way”?

Brian: Yo! I think we should do a sucky ballad.

A.J.: [ trembling ] Hold on!

Brian: What’s wrong, A.J.?

A.J.: Sucking.. senses.. are tingling.

Howie D.: There’s trouble across town!

[ cut to across town, man getting beat up by a junkie ]

A.J.: There! He’s being beaten by that junkie.

Kevin: And nobody’s helping.

Nick: There’s no time to lose! We better suck!

Backstreet Boys: [ singing ]
“I got to have you, baby
for as long as you love me, too
you know you gotta feel me
as long as you love me, too.”

[ Junkie runs off in panic ]

Man: Thank you for your sucking, Backstreet Boys.

Brian: Any time.

John Tesh: You guys rock!

A.J.: Thanks, Mr. Tesh.

[ cut to the Mayor’s Office ]

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Once again, you have sucked above and beyond the call of duty. Your suckery has been a benefit to us all.

Nick: Thanks, Mr. Mayor.

Brian: Yo, and speaking of benefits, we have to go suck for a benefit album. Right, Mr. Goldsley.

Mr. Goldsley: Boys, the best singers in the business are on this album. This might not be the place to suck.

[ cut to the benefit recording of Celebrities For Whatever Is Left ]

Sting: Shall we go over those harmonies, Paul.

Paul Simon: you bet, Sting.

Paul McCartney: let’s do it, Stinglebum.

Together: [ singing ] “We all need to share whatever’s left to do-“

Backstreet Boys: [ interrupting ] As long as you can love me, too..

Sting: Get them out of here, Goldsley.

Paul McCartney: They’re making it all sucky-wuggly, they are.

Mr. Goldsley: I can explain, boys.

John Tesh: Maybe they’ll listen to me.

Mr. Goldsley: John Tesh?

John Tesh: Give them a chance. when I first left “E.T.” for music, I sucked harder than a Hoover. But now look at me – I’m an accepted member of the music community.

Sting: No, he’s not!

Mr. Goldsley: Play along. He’s a loose cannon.

Sting: Alright, jump in.

Everyone: “We all need to care for whatever’s left to do..”

Backstreet Boys: “Baby, you know I need and baby, you know I want-“

Sting: They’re sucking again!

Paul McCartney: It’s horrible.

Paul Simon: Now, look. They’re eating it!

[ sucky Backstreet Boys note eats one of the peace-loving notes ]

Sting: Someone open a window.

Mr. Goldsley: Boys, let’s go.

A.J.: But sucking’s what we do.

Paul Simon: Wait. Look outside, everybody! America’s lapping it up.

[ graphic of America laps up the sucky notes into its mouth ]

A.J.: America loves us.

Mr. Goldley: that’s my boys!

Brian: Thanks, sir.

Jingle: “Backstreet boys backstreet boys
Suckin’ hard for the human race.”

SNL Transcripts

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Gobey…..Horatio Sanz
Amber…..Katie Holmes
Daniel…..Chris Parnell

Jarret: What’s up, everybody? My name’s Jarret, and if you’re logging on for the first time, I do this webcast every day 24/7 from my sweet three-man, here at Hamster College. I’m super psyched today, ’cause I just got my sweet fake ID. So, from now on you can call me Habul Jalarhalo. Anyway, my first guest, as always, is my homey and my roommate, please welcome Gobey.

Gobey: What’s up, bro-bro? [ singing ] “Who let the bongs out?”

Jarret: For you guys who don’t know, Gobey can take any song and make it about bongs. Do another one.

Gobey: [ singing ] “My name is.. what,
my name is.. Bong Shady!”

Jarret: Oh, man, do another one!

Gobey: Alright. Ready? [ singing ] “Who let the bongs out?”

Jarret: Okay, they can’t all be winners. Anyway, the Oscars are coming up, so let’s take a look at the nominees. Alright, first category, Best Picture: “Chocolat.”

Gobey: Ah, Choc-o-lot! [ laughs ] That was awesome! Remember when we tried to convince those girls that we were French?

Jarret: Yeah. You were all.. [ mumbles in French ] Gobey! The next nominee: “Traffic.”

Gobey: Dude, that movie was hilarious! There was, like, this dude, and he couldn’t find his car. It was awesome!

Jarret: No, that was “Dude, Where’s My Car?” “Traffic” was the one about the war on drugs.

Gobey: Oh. I never want to fight a war on drugs. It’s hard enough going to school on drugs!

Jarret: The Coolest Movie: “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.”

Gobey: Oh, man, it was really hard! There were so many words on the bottom.. But Kung Fu is soft as cream cheese, dude. They’re all like.. [ imimates Kung Fu moves ] We got kicked out of the theater!

[ Amber enters the screen ]

Amber: Hi, Jarret.

Jarret: Amber? Oh, man, I forgot. This is Amber, she’s in my Women’s Study class, which, by the way, has not paid off like I was told. [ to Gobie ] Dude, don’t you have to go do something?

Gobey: No. You said I should stay, remember, until that girl came over that you wanted to- oh, yeaaahhh!! [ jumps up ] I gotta go!

Jarret: What’s up, Amber?

Amber: [ sits ] Hi, everyone. I just.. I wanted to let everyone know that from 3:00 to 3:45 p.m. tomorrow we’ll be making a human chain around the cafeteria in order to protest the university’s ties with the evil Skittles corporation.

Jarret: Really? How many people do you have so far?

Amber: Six. Two confirmed.

Jarret: Two is a good start.

Amber: Yeah, well, the Skittles is a known user of the Green Dye 44.

Jarret: Yeah. Green Dye 44 is bad. [ tries to kiss her ]

Amber: What are you doing?

Jarret: What are.. we doing?

Amber: Gross. Gross.

[ loud music plays in the background, “One Night In Bangkok” ]

Jarret: That’s my other roommate, Daniel. He’s really into the “Chess” soundtrack. The other day I caught him jumping on his bed listening to it. Dude, turn that off! [ music stops ] Daniel’s from Canada. The other day, me and Gobey convinced him that American girls really like it when you wear mesh tank tops and quote lines from Billy Joel songs.

[ Daniel enters the screen, wearing a mesh tank top ]

Daniel: Well, well, well. I didn’t realize we had a guest. You look like you must be an uptown girl. Who’s been living in her white bread world.

Amber: My God.. I love Billy Joel.

Jarret: [ surprised ] You do?

Daniel: Oh, I happen to have a bottle of red and a bottle of white.

Amber: Perhaps a little bottle of rose tonight.

Daniel: Absolutely.

Amber: I love your mesh tank top.

Jarret: You gotta be kidding me, man!

[ Gobey jumps back into the scene ]

Gobey: First off, relax!

Jarret: I’m not even excited.

Gobey: Okay, let’s just say, hypothetically, that I cracked open one of my glow sticks and smoked it.

Jarret: I guess I have to take Gobey to the hospital now.

Gobey: Hypothetically..!

Jarret: Tune in tomorrow when me and Gobey are gonna show you this sweet surveillance tape I got of the guy from Phish eating at Denny’s. Until then, this is Jarret, logging off.

SNL Transcripts

Love-ahs

Professor…..Will Ferrell
Lover…..Rachel Dratch
Student…..Katie Holmes
Husband…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on interior, Professor’s living room ]

Lover: Can I interest anyone in some molasses raisin squares?

Student: Thanks so much, Professor.. I’m really excited to be your Research Assistant.

Professor: Well, you’re going to love this town. The college brings in a lot of entertaining events.

Lover: Last year we saw Marshall Crenshaw in concert.

Professor: Mmm..

Lover: And they just opened a Benetton’s.

Professor: Yes. It’s a very hip town. Would you like to try some more brandy?

Lover: Ooh.. No one knows brandy like my love-ah!

Professor: [ pours her a glass of brandy ] Ahhh.. good food.. fine spirits.. new friends.. what more could we want? Eh, love-ah?

Student: [ uncomfortable ] Boy! It’s, uh, been a really tough winter!

Husband: Brrr!

Student: When will it end?

Lover: I hope it never ends. Falling snow.. the crisp air.. your love-ah’s embrace..

Professor: [ gazes longingly at her ] Sometimes during the night I become scared, and cry out for my love-ah’s touch.. and I become soothed by the hot breath of my love-ah’s whisper..

Student: [ trying to change the subject ] Do you guys have any big plans for the weekend?

Professor: [ laughs ] I think I know what we’re doing this weekend!

Lover: Every Sunday morning, we wake up extra early, before first flight. We creep down the staircase, silent as mice, and then break the silence with the screams of our lovemaking.

Professor: And then we collapse, cover ourselves with woolen shawls and fill our bellies with ham.

Lover: Sunday mornings on top of my love-ah..

Together: Mmmmmmm…. Mmmmm…. Mmmmm….

Professor: As evening falls, we still hunger for our love-ah’s touch, and we make love.. right there in that chair you’re sitting in, Gail. [ Student jumps off chair ]

Lover: My love-ah then lights an evening pipe in satisfaction, his body glistening from eating close to two pounds of ham.

Professor: Please. We’ve been rude hosts. Who else wants to talk about their love-ah?

Student: Uh.. well.. once, when I was holed up working in the library, Mark came and surprised me by serenading outside of the window..

Husband: See, I knew that she would..

Professor: [ interrupting ] I have a story. One day I whisked my love-ah away, to a room at the prestigious Wesley Arms Hotel, bringing along some of my favorite erotic Persian lithographs..

Husband: [ shaking head ] I don’t like where this is going already..

Professor: For three glorious days, I handed my love-ah plump strawberries and smoked duck meat. She purred and giggled under the weight of my thrusting body, her mouth agape with a mixture of pleasure, longing, and duck meat.

Student: [ getting up ] You know.. I think we both need to go..

Husband: Yeah..

Student: ..we need to get up early in the morning..

Professor: [ pleased ] Ohhh.. the love-ahs! Going home to do what love-ahs do.

Student: Uh.. no. Mark is my husband.. I don’t call him “love-ah”..

Lover: Oh.. maybe you should try it. Hmm?

Professor: Yes. Just.. just say “love-ah”.

Student: [ relunctant ] Lover.

Professor: No, no, no.. no, no. “Love-ah”.

Lover: “Love-ah!”

Student: Lover.

Professor: “Love-ah”.

Lover: “Love-ah”.

Professor: “Love-ah”.

Lover: “Love-ah”.

Student: Love-ah!

Professor: Good, good! That’s it! Now, say it one more time. Believe it! Love-ahhh..

Student: Love-ahhhh…

Lover: Good! Now, what do you want to do?

Student: Hmm.. hmm.. [ suddenly spellbound ] I want to.. strip my love-ah naked.. throw him down in a lonely earth.. mount his wet body.. and slowly grind him into the ground with the thrust of our lovemaking..

Husband: [ chugs quick shot of brandy, and pulls his wife out of the room ] Let’s go! Let’s go! Thanks a lot!

Professor: Well.

Lover: Well. We’ve helped a few more love-ahs find their way.

Professor: Yes. Come here, love-ah.. [ grabs her ] Let me hold you in my big strong arms. What say we make love right here in our favorite chair?

Lover: Mmm.. I’d like nothing more.. love-ah.

Professor: [ sits ] Ahhh.. [ she sits onhis lap ] Ow! Ow, my back!

Lover: What? Love-ah, what?

Professor: My back!

Lover: Love-ah?

Professor: Are you DEAF?!! My BACK!! Get the HELL OFF OF ME!!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

A Message From The President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. As all of you are aware, exactly one week ago, the Chinese government seized, and refused to surrender, a U.S. Navy EP-3 surveillance plan, along with its crew of 24. What followed, was six days of intense round-the-clock negotiations with Chinese officials, in an attempt to resolve this situation. Unfortunately, these efforts were unsuccessful. Finally, early this evening, I made a bold decision to meet with the Chinese president, Jiang Zemin, alone. One on one. No Dick Cheney. No state department officials. No military advisors. No international law specialists. No China scholars. No translators. Just the two of us, face to face, mano-to-mano, and to keep at it until this thing is worked out. And that was the breakthrough. In less than twenty minutes, President Jiang and I signed an agreement, an agreement I’m proud to say that both averts an international crisis and leaves American honor and dignity intact.

Here are its chief points:

#1. The United States government sincerely, profusely, and objectively apologizes to China for this incident. It was entirely our fault, and we did a bad thing.

#2. The Navy aircraft will be returned immediately, following its complete disassembly and examination by North Korean intelligence.

#3. Upon its return to the U.S., the plane will be sold to the government of Libya, with all proceeds going to the Palestine Liberation Organization.

#4. All secret documents found onboard the aircraft will be surrendered to the United States. The Chinese will keep photocopies.

#5. For its pardon, the Chinese government has agreed not to share these photocopies with Iran, Iraq, or other rogue nations. Although sharing photocopies of photocopies is permitted, provided they are readable. I fought hard for that one.

#6. Under no circumstances will photocopies of photocopies of photocopies be allowed.

#7. Our 24 U.S. Navy servicemen and servicewomen, I’m happy to say, are back on American soil. After a reunion with their families, they will be reurned to China, to begin serving their 90-day sentences for espionage at a Chinese labor camp.

#8. Chinese President Jiang Zemin and his wife will have full use of the Bush vacation ranch in Texas, for Memorail Day through Labor Day, with the exception of Fourth of July weekend and two weekends in August. President Bush and Laura Bush will pay for utilities; Mr. Jiang will be responsible for pool maintenance.

#9. General Colin Powell has agreed to resign as Secretary of State, and to surrender his driver’s license and credit cards. On June 1st, he will begin his sentence at a Chinese labor camp.

#10. The Chinese government has agreed to officially designate the first week in August Ed “Too Tall” Jones Appreciation Week.

#11. Yankees outfielder Daryl Strawberry will volunatarily enter a drug treatment facility. Located where? In a Chinese labor camp.

#12. Don’t mess with Texas.

#13. Don’t ever mess with Texas!

#14. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Lasting Impressions

Joey…..Horatio Sanz
Ana…..Ana Gasteyer
Tony Villone…..Alec Baldwin
Aunt Vickie…..Rachel Dratch
Ricky Villone…..Jimmy Fallon

Ana: Hey, Joey! What are we gonna do? Aunt Vickie’s coming over, and the only professional picture we have of little Sheila is horrible and boring!

Joey: [ grabs the hideous picture ] What freakin’ jackass took this picture anyway?!

[ Tony Villone enters the picture ]

Tony Villone: Does an old picture you got not live up to your expectations? Then get a load of this:

[ boring picture of little girl is transformed to within a brandy snifter ]

Ana: Oh, my God! It’s stunning! It makes a whole world of difference!

Tony Villone: Hey, yo, I’m Tony Villone, owner of Lasting Impressions. Through the wizardry of computer technology, I can take any picture you got and stuff it into a brandy snifter. Why not take that extra step to make your favorite pictures pop with class and have top-of-the-line no-joke excellence. Take a look at this:

[ picture of cat shown, then transformed ]

Your favorite cat.. in a brandy snifter!

[ picture of Senior Prom shown, then transformed ]

Senior Prom.. in a brandy snifter!

[ picture of Billy Crystal shown, then transformed ]

Somebody famous.. in a brandy snifter!

[ picture of black baby shown, then transformed ]

A black baby.. in a brandy snifter!

[ Tony holds up portrait ]

And my personal favorite: a brandy snifter.. inside a brandy snifter. Kinda hard to wrap your brain around this one, huh? Just imagine how impressed your relatives will be, once you kick up the class an extra notch or two.

[ doorbell rings ]

Aunt Vickie: Hi! [ enters, hugs family, then notices portrait ] Holy crap! Little Sheila in a brandy snifter! How elegant! You kids really know how to do it up!

Ana: With the help of Lasting Impressions! Thanks, Tony!

Tony Villone: Ay, don’t thank me. Thank my cousin, Ricky, the artist. Come out here, Ricky!

Ricky Villone: [ steps out ] How ya’ doing? I take a great deal of pride and craftsmanship in each and every one of my brandy snifter creations.

Tony Villone: For an extra $14, Ricky can put a rose on top of the brandy snifter. Ain’t that right, Ricky?

Ricky Villone: I can do that!

[ show portrait in a brandy snifter with a rose on top ]

Tony Villone: Hey! How slick is that? It’s gorgeous. Call me, Tony Villone, of Lasting Impressions, for in-your-face elegance – and that’s no joke!

[ Tony and Ricky pose, then appear in a brandy snifter portrait themselves ]

Announcer: Lasting Impressions has closed all of their downtown locations.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Terrance Maddox

Terrance Maddox…..Will Ferrell
Sebastian Clay…..Alec Baldwin
Teacher…..Ana Gasteyer
Student #1…..Maya Rudolph
Student #2…..Dana Edelson
Student #3…..Chris Kattan
Student #4…..Rachel Dratch

[ FADE IN: ]

[ EXT. MORRIS COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE – NIGHT – ESTABLISHING SHOT ]

[ INT. MORRIS COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE – CLASSROOM – NIGHT ]

[ STUDENTS are settling in as TEACHER is in the front. ]

Teacher: Alright, class! Welcome to “Introduction for Lighting for Black & White Photography”. Now, one of the most difficult subject to light is the nude human body. Which is why tonight, we are going to be using a live artist model. Unfortunately, the person I usually use couldn’t make it, but we do have a replacement. His name is Terrance Maddox. Terrance? You can come in now.

[ ENTER TERRANCE MADDOX ]

Terrance Maddox: Thank you. No applause. Just money, please. Just –

[ Maddox vomits hard. ]

Terrance Maddox: It’s all right! My bad.

Student #1: Omigod!

Student #2: Gross!

Terrance Maddox: Don’t worry — that wasn’t food.

Student #3: This is awful.

Terrance Maddox: I repeat — this is not food. There is no need to worry.

Teacher: Mr. Maddox, if you’re not feeling well, you can just go home.

Terrance Maddox: Are you kidding? The show must go on!

[ Maddox disrobes. ]

Terrance Maddox: And “Oh Mama!”, look what we got here under the big top tonight!

[ Maddox flaunts his gentiles to the room. ]

Terrance Maddox: Baby cried the day the circus came to town!

Teacher: Alright, Mr. Maddox! Please take your seat!

Terrance Maddox: Now, I’m leaking in a couple of spots,! So work with me, people!

[ Maya Rudolph can’t contain her laughter. The rest of the class watches unfazed. ]

Teacher: Now class, remember that shadow is one of the most important elements when shooting in Black & White.

Terrance Maddox: Hey, hey, that reminds me!

Teacher: Of what!?

Terrance Maddox: What’s black, white, and red all over?

Teacher: A newspaper. I don’t know.

Terrance Maddox: This thing!

[ Maddox shows off a portion of his foot, but it’s blocked by Student #1’s head. ]

Terrance Maddox: I don’t know what it is either! Help me! Somebody please help me!

[ SEBASTIAN CLAY, a robed, mustached man of no trust, ENTERS. ]

Sebastian Clay: Perhaps I can be of some assistance?

Terrance Maddox: Sebastian Clay!

[ INTENSE MUSIC ]

[ The two vagrants stare each other down. Clay partially disrobes. ]

[ CLOSE-UP OF MADDOX’s GUT “JIGGLE-WAVING” ]

[ CLOSE-UP OF CLAY’s GUT “JIGGLE-WAVING” ]

Sebastian Clay: Well, it looks as if the agency has double-booked this session. Well… no matter! I suppose we shall proceed with two models — that is if you’re up to the challenge, Maddox!

Terrance Maddox: Bring it on, Clay!

Teacher: I take it you two know each other?

Sebastian Clay: Oh, we see each other around the circuit: dumpsters, police line-ups, snuff film auditions — you know – the circuit! First time I laid eyes on Terrance Maddox, he was giving a handjob to Darrell Hammond outside a blood bank in St. Paul! What can I say? The kid had chops! It was then I knew I met my match!

Terrance Maddox: They call Clay here, “The Gentleman Ghost”.

Teacher: Why is that? Are you some sophisticated thief?

Sebastian Clay: Far from it. No, I’m called “The Gentleman Ghost” because I like to get it on with dead dudes!

[ The class reacts in pure disgust. ]

Terrance Maddox: Hey! I did it with a chicken once!

Sebastian Clay: Nice try, Maddox! But a little too desperate.

[ Clay opens an Army satchel and pulls out a martini mixer. ]

Sebastian Clay: I say our reunion here calls for a cocktail.

[ Clay pulls out a wine glass from the satchel and pours himself a glass. ]

Student #3: Excuse me, what’s happening? Is this even a class anymore?

Teacher: Mr. Clay, since you’re here, we may as well use two models. But please, no drinks.

Sebastian Clay: Oh, please! I insist…

Teacher: Okay.

[ The teacher takes the glass and a sip. ]

Teacher: That’s delicious! What is it?

Sebastian Clay: That’s my own recipe: two parts vermouth and one part my semen.

[ The teacher promptly spits out the beverage. ]

Terrance Maddox: I’ll give it a try! C’mon!

[Clay takes the glass away from the teacher and hands it to Maddox, who takes a sip. ]

Sebastian Clay: How was it?

Terrance Maddox: You’ve outdone yourself!

Teacher: That is it! That’s it! I want both of you out of my classroom now!

Terrance Maddox: Not until we settle this!

Sebastian Clay: You’re not suggesting…

Terrance Maddox: That’s right — a POSE-OFF!

Sebastian Clay: VERY WELL! A POSE-OFF IT IS! Have at, thy!

Terrance Maddox: I call this one, “Sunday in the Park with my Appendectomy Scar.”

[ Maddox eagle-spreads his torso. The class winces. ]

Sebastian Clay: This is something I call, “One Ball for Sister Sara.”

[ Clay showcases his crotch. ]

Teacher: All right! Okay! That is enough!!! I WANT BOTH OF YOU OUT OF HERE AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU AT THIS COMMUNITY COLLEGE AGAIN!

[ Both men cry. Clay cups his hand over Maddox’s mouth as he’s about to vomit. ]

Teacher: Okay, okay! You can both stay. I’m sorry. All right – just stop it!

[ Maddox puts his robe on. ]

Terrance Maddox: I know when I’m not needed.

Sebastian Clay: Indeed!

Terrance Maddox: You’re not half-bad, Clay.

Sebastian Clay: Nor are you, Maddox. If you’ll excuse us…

Terrance Maddox: But before we go, we got something to say – now I may not know anything about lighting of the perfect human form, but I do know something about forming the perfect human poop! Which is what I’ll be doing seconds from now… on the hoods of your fine people’s cars!

Sebastian Clay: Here, here!

Terrance Maddox: Now, good day to you!

[ SEPIA PHOTO MONTAGE ]

[ TERRANCE VOMITING ]

[ CLAY’S UGLY TORSO ]

[ TEACHER SPITTING OUT CLAY’S “COCK”TAIL ]

[ BOTH MEN CRYING ]

[ BACK TO CLASSROOM ]

[ Maddox & Clay blow a kiss and wink. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Bob Barr…..Chris Parnell
Molly Ivins…..Renee Zelwegger
Paul Begala…..Chris Kattan

Chris Matthews: [ yelling ] Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! Big trouble in little China, our soldiers are back home after the whole ordeal, and everyone stateside’s thinking of Nixon-era paranoia and old-fashioned terror with the Far East! Is this the beginning of a new Cold War! I don’t know why I’m asking you! Nobody watches this show anymore – nobody!! I’m out here asking the tough questions, shouting at powerful officials, in short, playing Hardball! But, apparently, America would rather watch Pat O’Brien interview the cast of “Becker” on “Access Hollywood”! Sheep! Baa-aa-aa-aa! You people are sheep! Here to talk about the China situation: Republican Congressman of Georgia, Bob Barr.

Bob Barr: Chris, thanks for having me..

Chris Matthews: Whoa! Getting a little lippy right off the bat, eh, Barr? Listen to me, Georgia peach, you talk when Matthews says you talk! Also with us: syndicated political humorist, colorful Texan, Molly Ivins.

Molly Ivins: Hello, y’all, nice to be back, Chris!

Chris Matthews: And, finally, former Clinton advisor and ten-year-old girl, Paul Begala!

Paul Begala: [ with wide-eyed smile ] Now, Chris, you know I’m not a ten-year-old girl!

Chris Matthews: Can it, Missy! Molly Ivins, we’re gonna start with you! This is Bush’s first test on an international stage – can he claim victory, or what?!

Molly Ivins: [ laughing ] Oh, I don’t think so, Chris! There’s an old saying down here in Texas: “Bobcats can eat all the chili it wants, don’t mean he’s gonna crap diamonds.”

Chris Matthews: I got no idea what that means! Bob Barr, Bush eventually did apologize to President Jiang, how are conservatives taking this!

Bob Barr: Well.. some of us less compassionate conservatives think Bush wasn’t nearly tough enough. We should have gone on the offensive. The Chinese were upset that their jet collided with one of our planes? Well, I wonder how they would have felt if one of our bombs had collided with one of their chopstick factories?

Chris Matthews: Whoa! [ laughs ] Not bad, Barr! Bomb the Chinese! Hey, you’re a lunatic, but you had some freakin’ Hardball!

Bob Barr: Well, Bush blew it! We didn’t need that plane back. What this country needs is months of diplomatic tension followed by a protractive land war in China. We had our chance, and we lost it!

Paul Begala: Can I say something here, Chris? The Cold War is over! This administration has been using outdated policies to justify their own agenda..

Chris Matthews: Zip it, Kermit! Go back to Fraggle Rock! Let the grown-ups talk about politics! Molly Ivins, are relations with China strained forever!

Molly Ivins: Well, Chris.. you know the old Texas proverb about square-dancing on a hot griddle!

Chris Matthews: No I don’t!

Molly Ivins: Well, you can’t do it unless you’re wearing special heat-proof grill-dancing shoes! Think about it, Chris!

Chris Matthews: Whoa, Ivins! There’s a fine line between down-home folksy and freakin’ nuts! Bob Barr, are we ever gonna get the plane back! What’s Bush’s next move!

Bob Barr: Well, I’ll tell you what it should be, Chris. Two words: poisonous snakes! We’ve got more than we need over here – I say load ’em up, airlift them over to Beijing, and just let ’em go! It’s time to put our poisonous snakes to work fighting the Chinese! Pretty soon, it’s “No more snakie! We give you plane back!” Then a quick strike against Russia, we drive on East Berlin, Bush appoints me king of Austria-Hungary, and everyone’s happy!

Chris Matthews: What about it, Paul Begala! Should we send in an army of snakes to fight Chinese citizens and invade Moscow!

Paul Begala: [ over banner: “Paul Begala, Very Small Penis” ] Chris, that is ludicrous! Bill Clinton’s foreign policy was much, much closer to China. This is not 1951. [ banner chages to: “Paul Begala, Has To Sit Down To Pee” ] Bush has to understand that the.. [ notices Chris laughing at banner ] Hey, come on, I can see that! [ laughs ]

Molly Ivins: Chris, can I just say one more thing?

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Molly Ivins: If a coyote’s chewing on your boot, you better cowboy Alamo six-shooter tumbleweed rodeo moustache wax, partner!

Chris Matthews: Good God, woman, what the hell are you talking about!! If anyone’s watching this show, steer clear of Molly Ivins! I want to thank my guests tonight! Bob Barr, final thoughts!

Bob Barr: Chris, there’s a billion Chinese. And if we’re gonna wipe ’em off the Earth, we need about eleven more children per couple to catch up. So, America, get humping!

Chris Matthews: Barr, you’re loud, obnoxious and completely dismissive of other people’s opinions – I love you, you’re great! Molly Ivins, check into a mental ward!

Molly Ivins: Sloo-be-dee, Chris! Zerkum one come grizzly!

Chris Matthews: Yikes! Finally, Paul Begala, you lab experiment gone wrong – do you have anything left to say or yourself?

Paul Begala: Chris, next time..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begala: ..I come back..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begala: ..I’m gonna have to ask that you..

Chris Matthews: Whoa-oa!

Paul Begala: ..keep the insults to a minimum..

Chris Matthews: Shut up! You’re dull, and you look like a defective Pez dispenser! Stick around, I’m gonna watch a videotape of myself and shout at it! You’re watching “Hardball”!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Bravery & Unity

Sir Kenneth Chandler…..Pierce Brosnan
Private Louis Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Lieutenant Colonel Robert Ward…..Will Ferrell
Lieutenant Colonel Gniewko Lubecki…..Darrell Hammond
Patrick O’Harrington…..Jimmy Fallon
Filipe Gonzalez…..Horatio Sanz

Narrator: September, 1944. The allied forces embark on Operation Marketgarden, a surprise airborne assault on German troops in Holland and Belgium. If the attack was going to succeed, the allies needed all the help it could get.

[ show host, Sir Kenneth Chandler, seated in his study ]

Sir Kenneth Chandler: In August of 1944, the British advance troops joined forces with an underseas command unit from Krapog. The Poles, of course, hated the Germans and were eager to help. But, sadly, they all perished. It seems that, due to a crucial design flaw, the Polish had built their submarines with screen doors. More than 70 men died that day.

Narrator: With Poland unable to assist, the Allies turned to Greece for help.

Sir Kenneth Chandler: The Greeks had a tremendous sense of brotherhood and fraternity. The men were very close to one another – after all, their motto was “Never Leave Your Buddy’s Behind”. Soldiers of all ages fought together. Why, among the Greek soldiers, the only way to separate the men from the boys was with a crowbar.

Narrator: The reinforcements helped, but as the operation wore on, Allied casualties mounted.

Private Louis Jones: Why did so many African-Americans die in the war? I’ll tell you: every time they started firing on us, Sarge would yell, “Get down!”, and me and my friends would jump up and start dancing. I watched six of my best friends die while doing the Funky Chicken.

Lieutenant Colonel Robert Ward: We were outside Demengen, and a friend of mine, a Jewish guy named Goldblat.. he stepped on a landmine, and.. we rushed over to him, and he was lying there bleeding – there was nothing we could do. We asked Goldblat, “Are you comfortable?” And he said, “Ah, I make a decent living.” He died in my arms.

Narrator: The operation was proving to be too ambitious. Pockets of Allied airborne troops were surrounded. Many were taken prisoner.

Lieutenant Colonel Gniewko Lubecki: [ speaking in German, translated into English ] My entire Polish realm was captured in . A friend of mine, a friend who grew up right down the street from me in Warsaw, was driven insane in the prison. They put my friend Stanislaus in a round room, and told him to sit in a corner. But it was a round room! There was no corner! Where was he to sit?! He took his own life.

Narrator: The Allied units, under great duress, still managed to find joy in simple pleasures, like Christmas dinner. It meant a lot to the troops, especially the 101st at Osterly.

Sir Kenneth Chandler V/O: [ over re-creation ] A soldier named Patrick O’Harrington, prepared a traditional Irish seven-course meal – a potato and a six-pack of beer. Burritos and tacos were provided by Felipe Gonzalez, who invited 300 of his Mexican friends from the 94th Infantry. More would have come, but they only had two jeeps.

Lieutenant Colonel Robert Ward: That was some kind of unit, we had people from all over.. we had a half-Italian, half-Pole named Antonio Wojcesak. He made me an offer I couldn’t understand. There was Pepe Chun, a half-Hispanic, half-Asian who stole an enemy Jeep but he couldn’t drive it. Then there was my friend Elmer Watkins from Alabama. He spent all of his time writing to his wife, and his sister, and his mother. He only had to write to one person. War is hell.

Narrator: Next week on the History Channel – an examination of Chinese beverage contamination warfare, entitled “Me Chinese, Me Play Joke, Me Put Pee-Pee In Your Coke.”

SNL Transcripts

Save The Starving Actresses

…..Lara Flynn Boyle

Lara Flynn Boyle: Hi. I’m Lara Flynn Boyle, and I wanted to take a moment of your time to discuss a very important issue. For the last two years, I have devoted myself to a cause that has touched my life. It is a foundation called Save the Starving Actresses.. and we desperately need your help. For just the price of a cup of coffee, you can buy Courtney Cox.. a cup of coffee. And, believe me, it would be a wonderful start. For as little as seven cents a day, you can sponsor a starving actress.

Here is little Calista. Calista lives in a remote part of Los Angeles where the only nourishment available to her is bottled water and David E. Kelley’s approval. But, thanks to the Starving Actresses Foundation, Calista has been receiving shipments of the food she so desperately needs – foods like Pam, Snackwells and Marlboro Lights.

And I am much more than just a spokesperson for the charity. SSAF has saved my life. This is me six months ago. [ shows picture of herself ] I know it is hard to look at, but please don’t turn away. This story does have a happy ending. This is me now. [ shows second picture with little difference ] I feel so much better.. my teeth aren’t soft anymore. The volunteers at SSAF are specially trained in what we call “Covert Nutrition”. For example, you can’t just walk up to Sarah Jessica Parker and hand her a sandwich. The poor thing wouldn’t know what to do. That’s why SSAF has developed techniques like: putting butter on the back of Renee Zelwegger’s postage stamps; soaking Portia de Rossi’s Altoids in bacon fat; or, in my case, dipping Jack Nicholson in thousand island dressing,

We are making progress, but our problem isn’t going away. Don’t wait until Jennifer Aniston falls through a subway grate. Please, pick up the phone now. If you choose to become a sponsor, you will receive a letter from your actress, and an update of her progress. I personally still write to my sponsor: [ reads letter ] “Dear Mrs. Johnson, thank you so much for the Fruit Roll Ups. I wore them to the Golden Globes.” Please, please, won’t you please Save the Starving Actresses. It is a cause that is so close to my heart. Of course, my nipples are close to my heart. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 20

00t: Christopher Walken / Weezer

Christopher Walken’s Monologue

…..Christopher Walken
…..Jimmy Fallon
Dancing Girls…..Rachel Dratch, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon, Tina Fey

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Christopher Walken!

Christopher Walken: Thank you. It’s good, as always, to be here. It’s a treat. But this time, it’s extra special because it’s the final show of the season. After how many shows, Jimmy? 505, actually. 505, Wow! I’ve done it five times – what’s that? A drop in the bucket. So I thought, “What can I do to make my mark?” And then, I thought, “Well, I’ll sing a song.”

[ singing ]

“Things have come to a pretty pass
Our romance is growing flat
For you like this and the other
While I go for this and that
Goodness knows where the end will be
Or I don’t know where it’s at.
It looks as if we two will never be one
Something must be done.
You say potato, and I say potato
You say tomato, and I say tomato
Potato, potato
Tomato, tomato
Let’s – “

Jimmy Fallon: Chris?

Christopher Walken: Jimmy, wazzup!

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry to interrupt. I don’t know if that’s how the song goes.

Christopher Walken: What do you mean?

Jimmy Fallon: You’re singing the words the same. You have to say, likw, tomayto, tomahto. Tomahto, potahto.

Christopher Walken: Tomahto? What’s that?

Jimmy Fallon: It’s just how they say it.

Christopher Walken: Okay, I’ll give it a try.

[ singing ]

“You say potahto, I say potahto
You say totahto, I say totahto
Tomahto, potahto
Potahto, potahto, tomahto, tomahto -“

Jimmy Fallon: Chris, I’m so sorry. You’re doing it the other way now. And I think you have to alternate them.

Christopher Walken: Alternate, shmaltermate! Jimmy, look, they’re all spelled the same on the cards. What do you want from my life?

Jimmy Fallon: I think you’re supposed to go – potayto, potahto..

Christopher Walken: Jim, how old are you?

Jimmy Fallon: I’m 26.

Christopher Walken: Ouch! Look, son.. sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Let me show you. And a-one, and a-two –

[ singing ]

“I say potayto, and I say potayto
You say tomayto, and I say tomayto
Potayto, potayto
Tomayto, tomayto
Let’s call the whole thing off.
But, oh, if we call the whole thing off, and we must part
And, oh, if we ever part
Then that might break my heart.

So if you like pajamas, and I like pajamas
I’ll wear pajamas, and give up pajamas
For we know we need each other
So we better call the whole thing off
Let’s call the whole thing
Let’s call the whole thing –
Let’s not call the whole thing o-o-off
Let’s not call the whole thing off!”

We’ve got a wonderful show – Weezer is here!

[ singing ]

“You say Weezer, and I say Wizer
Weezer, wizer -“

Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts