Category: 2000

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Chris Kattan
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Winona Ryder

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

This week, First Daughter Jenna Bush was given community service after pleading “No Contest” to underage drinking charges. Her father insists Jenna is going through a rebellious stage, and “Just like me, she’ll grow out of it in 27 years.”

Massachusetts Governor Jane Swift gave birth Tuesday night to twin girls, making her the first governor to have twin girls since Bill Clinton was running Arkansas.

At a South Dakota school this week, a police officer roamed the school with an unloaded gun to test the response. The school past with flying colors when concerned students spotted the gun and shot him.

Jimmy Fallon: You know, Tina, last week, N*Sync’s Joey Fatone was rushed to the hospital after tripping during rehearsal, when he got his foot stuck in a trap door. Here now with a terrible re-enactment of that event, is our own Chris Kattan.

Chris Kattan: [ steps out, pretends to sing “Bye, Bye, Bye”, then falls ] Ow, my foot! Trap door! I’m Joey Fatone!

Tina Fey: Thank you, Chris, that was terrible.

A new e-mail computer virus is sweeping across the globe that automatically opens a pornographic web site on the victim’s screen. Authorities say they intend to track down the hacker responsible for the virus, just as soon as somebody complains.

Former President Bill Clinton has reportedly lost close to 20 pounds since the leaving the White House. The pounds were taken from him by British whores.

Jimmy Fallon: Slowly getting that! Here now with a friendly reminder on “Weekend Update”, is alumni anchor Kevin Nealon, ladies and gentlemen.

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Jimmy! Uh, I just want to take a moment here, if I may, to clear up some confusion. For a number of years, I was a castmember here at “Saturday Night Live”, but I haven’t been since 1995, some 6 years ago. And yet, some people stil come up to me and say, “Mr. Nealon, it’s Saturday. Shouldn’t you be getting out to New York for the show?” Or, “Hey, Mr. Nealon, you were funny on the show last night, love that Mr. Subliminal!” And then I have to explain that I’m not on the show anymore, what you’re watching are reruns on Comedy Central.

You see, I’m not a part of this cast – overrated. I don’t even know these people. I really don’t. And, to be honest with you, I have no connection whatsoever with this show anymore – lawsuit. In fact, I have not seen Lorne Michaels in, like, four years – restraining order. And quite frankly, it takes everything I have to stay up this late right now – coked up. So, once again, I am no longer on this show. I’m off doing bigger and better things right now – “Hollywood Squares”. I guess you could say that I moved on – trailer park – and that’s good.

Jimmy Fallon: So, let me understand.. you are not on the current cast?

Kevin Nealon: No, Jimmy. Now, don’t let my being here tonight confuse you – George W. – this is actually a live show that you’re watching, unless, of course, you’re doing something else – hot sex – I don’t know. Now, Jimmy’s lucky here, because he’s up here working with people like Tina Fey – lesbo – and that’s great; of course, not to mention, the other cast – white trash – they’re all great, they’re all great. And, yes, I left, and sometimes people do that, they leave. Molly Shannon was a part of this cast, and now she’s off doing movies – porno – and so, now where you see me is on the reruns. Enjoy them. I think they still hold up – residual checks – I really do.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s good to know. Thanks, Kevin.

Kevin Nealon: Thank you.. thank you, Jimmy Fallon – lesbo – it’s nice to be back.

Jimmy Fallon: Kevin Nealon, everybody! The one and only!

The L.A. District Attorney’s office said Monday that Robert Downey, Jr. will not go to jail for his drug arrest last month. But, to save time, they went ahead and sentenced him for his drug arrest next month.

Director Todd Solondz is complaining that the producers of his new movie made him edit out a scene in which James van der Beek is on the receiving end of anal sex. When asked for a comment, van der Beek said, “They were FILMING that?”

Jimmy Fallon: And now for “Weekend Update”‘s thrilling season-ending cliffhanger, with very special guest star Winona Ryder.

Tina Fey: Jimmy.. when did you start wearing glasses?

Jimmy Fallon: I got my eyes checked last week. I found out I need glasses.

Tina Fey: Are you gonna wear them next season?

Jimmy Fallon: Well, I mean.. I don’t know.. I-I-I..

Winona Ryder: [ rushes in scene, panicking ] Jimmy! Tina!

Jimmy Fallon: Winona!

Tina Fey: What is it? What’s wrong?

Winona Ryder: One of you.. is the father of my baby..

Jimmy & Tina: Oh, my God.. I’m gonna be a fath-

[ with looks of panic, the screen freezes, as “To Be Continued” appears on the screen; Winona Ryder cracks up in the “frozen” pose ]

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Winona Ryder: And I’m Winona Ryder!

All: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

Badger Up His Butt

Brenda…..Ana Gasteyer
Nat…..Will Ferrell
Jerry…..Jerry Minor
Chris…..Chris Parnell
Rachel…..Rachel Dratch
Doctor…..Christopher Walken

[ open on Brenda giving a bath mat presentation ]

Brenda: So.. if my indicators are correct, our new Taj Mahal bath mat line is gonna be a big seller in our two target areas – the midwest, and the lower midwest. [ Nat claps sarcastically ] Is there a problem, Nat?

Nat: With you? Yeah.

Jerry: Come on, Nat. Brenda really worked hard on this.

Nat: People, we are the Number Two bath mat manufacturer in the U.S., okay? Our clients have come to expect quality bath mats. And you guys just blew it. [ stands ] Now, if you need me, I’ll be in my office – but please don’t need me. [ exits ]

Brenda: Wow. What has crawled up his butt?

Jerry: Yeah. That was ridiculous.

Chris: [ enters ] I just passed Nat Turnerson in the hall – can somebody tell me what has crawled up his butt?

Brenda: I know! That’s what I just said!

Jerry: Maybe he’s stressed out.

Rachel: He shouldn’t be – he just took a vacation.

Chris: A lot of good it did him.

Nat: [ re-enters ] Tell me – what is up with this mat? Is this the best this company can do? This is humiliating! I pay you.. for one thing.. to make the flattest, most affordable.. sweet mother of Mary! ..most absorbent floor quality fabric on the market, period! Oh, good God!! Help me!!

Chris: You know, Nat, some of us worked really hard on that campaign.

Rachel: Yeah, I was here ’til 5:00 this morning.

Brenda: Really, Nat, what has crawled up your butt?

Nat: Nothing! .. Good Lord! [ collapses onto the table ]

Brenda: Oh, my God!! Somebody call 911!!

[ cut to ambulance rushing Nat to the hospital ]

[ cut to Nat sitting in a hospital bed, surrounded by his co-workers and his doctor ]

Brenda: Nat, are you okay?

Nat: Hey, guys. I’m fine.

Chris: Doctor, what was wrong with him?

Doctor: Nat, here, was admitted with severe trauma to his butt.

Brenda: Do you mean –

Doctor: Yes, I do. Something has crawled up into it.

Jerry: Oh, my God! What was it?

Doctor: According to the X-rays, and my.. limited knowledge of wildlife, it appears to be a badger.

Brenda: A badger? Is that even possible?

Doctor: Apparently, it is.

Nat: I guess it happened on that camping trip I took last week..

[ flashback begins ]

[ camera shows a badger’s point of view, as he runs straight into Nat’s butt ]

Nat: [ startled ] What was that?!

[ birds and other wildlife scatter as the badger makes contact ]

[ flash back to the hospital scene ]

Jerry: So, did you get it out?

Doctor: I’m afraid not. At this juncture, surgery would be too risky for the badger.

Jerry: So what are you going to do now?

Doctor: We’re hoping to hold tight.. and hope the badger can turn around and find his way out. Until then.. all we can prescribe are painkillers and badger food.

Chris: Are you serious?

Doctor: Of course not. [ everyone laughs ] Painkillers.. could be risky for the badger. There’s one other option – we throw Nat in the back of my van.. and we all head back to my place.. put on some soft music, turn down the lights.. maybe a few candles.. I’ll whip up a Yankee pot roast.. which.. we will place next to Nat’s tailpipe. If there’s one thing a badger can’t resist.. it’s soft music, candlelight, and a pot roast.

Brenda: That almost sounds romantic.

Doctor: Believe me, it isn’t. When the badger smells that pot roast, he’s going to tear right on out of there. It’s hard to watch. [ pause ] Everybody ready? Let’s go! Come on! Give me a hand with this big guy!

[ everyone helps the Doctor remove Nat from the hospital room, as the scene fades to close ]

SNL Transcripts

Memorial Day Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan

Horatio Sanz: About six months ago, we did a little Christmas song, and it was pretty fun. So, we asked if we could do it again. They said, “Come on, man, you can’t sing a Christmas song in May. Why don’t you sing a Memorail Day song?” So this is our Memorial Day song, which is not about Christmas.

One – Two – One, two, three, four!

“I don’t care if it’s Memorial Day,
Christmas is still number one.
I don’t care if it’s almost June,
Christmas is much more fuuuuun.”

Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: “I don’t care if you think I’m a fool,
I don’t care about Summer School.
I wish it was Christmas today,
I wish it was Christmas today.”

Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what the scientists say,
They don’t believe in Santa anyway.
I don’t care what the psychologists say,
I don’t care, it’s so far away.”

Horatio Sanz & Jimmy Fallon: “I don’t care about anything,
Except hearin’ those sleigh bells ring-a-ding-ding.
Even though it’s May,
I wish it was Christmas today,
Today and everyday!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Conan O’Brien’s Monologue

…..Conan O’Brien
…..Tracy Morgan
Paramedic…..Scott Wainio
…..Max Weinberg
Becky Weinberg

Conan O’Brien: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a really big night for me. As some of you may know, I started out as a writer, right here on “Saturday Night Live”, about ten years ago.. The whole time I was here, I just yearned to be a performer so much.. and, every now and then, they let me play a really small part. You know? And I’d get a few seconds of that sweet on-camera glory – Conan Time, I called it! No one else called it that.. It was small parts, but I did the best I could. Let’s take a moment now, to review some of my fine work.

[ Music Over: “Nobody Does It Better”, Carly Simon ]

[ tape reel plays clips: “Wait At The Bar”, “Waikiki Hockey”, “The Nude Talk Show, 5-Timer’s Monologue, and a scene of a horse; arrows point out Conan’s appearances in the clips ]

[ cut back to Conan in the studio ]

Conan O’Brien: Thank you! Obviously, a lot’s changed since then. I have my own show now – the 12:30 show, the “Late Night” show. In fact, the studio we tape my show in, is right here in this building, Rockefeller Center. It’s just two floors down from where we are now? Would you like to see it? Because I’m so proud that I have my own studio! It’ll be really cool, let’s go see my studio! [ walks through the hall backstage ] Hey, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: My man! C.O.B.! What up, dog!

Conan O’Brien: Yeah, I’m going to show the audience my studio. Would you like to come?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! No doubt! I’ve never seen a television studio before!

Conan O’Brien: Well, great! This’ll be great! Come on, let’s go! It’ll be great, you’ll love it.. [ continues down the hall ] Hey, look! Japanese tourists! Hi! [ they take his picture ] Cool. They have no idea who I am. Uh.. we’re going to go down to my studio, you want to go down to my studio? Come on, let’s go. [ Japanese Tourists follow Conan and Tracy, as he addresses them ] In my country, I’m a very big celebrity. That’s right.. I host my own show.. but now I’m hosting this other show tonight, that is very rare in America – only me and Leeza Gibbons! It’s a very rare honor. Come on, you’re gonna love this, it’s right around this way.. [ they’ve made their way to the next floor ] Isn’t this great?

Tracy Morgan: [ jazzed up ] The C.O.B. Studio!

Conan O’Brien: Yeah.

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! Are we gonna be on TV?

Conan O’Brien: Uh.. well, Tracy, you’re on TV now.

Tracy Morgan: Really?

Conan O’Brien: Yeah.

Tracy Morgan: [ moves closer to the camera and holds up his hands ] Brookyn in da house!!

Conan O’Brien: Okay, folks, come on, let’s keep it moving, alright? [ they continue down the hall, as they pass paramedics crouched over a heart attack victim ] Hey there, life-saving paramedics! You want to come see my studio?

Paramedic: Sure! Alright! [ they follow ]

Conan O’Brien: Great! Hey, how about you, Heart Attack Victim? [ no response ] His loss.. let’s go! [ sees his mom ] Hey, it’s my Mom! How are you! [ hugs her ] I can’t believe it! This is my Mom! What are you doing here?

Mom: I came to see you on “Saturday Night Live”, but I got lost.

Conan O’Brien: Oh. Well, I found you, that’s the important thing, Mom. I’m just taking all these wonderful people down to see my studio. You want to come?

Mom: I’d love to!

Conan O’Brien: Yeah, you’ve never seen it before – we’re very distant, yeah! [ Tracy puts his hand around Conan’s Mom ] Uh, get your hand off her, Tracy.. Alright, let’s go, this is great.. [ finally reaches the studio door ] This is my studio! 6-A, where it all happens. This is really cool, you’re gonna love it!

[ Conan opens the doors to his studio, only to find “Late Night” bandleader Max Weinberg straddled atop his desk making love to his wife, Becky ]

Conan O’Brien: Max!

Max Weinberg: Oh, hey, Conan! Hi, Mrs. O’Brien!

Conan O’Brien: Uh.. okay, yeah.. okay, great.. no, no, no, Max! You know, he does this on the weekends.. uh.. we’ll take a little break. When we come back, Don Henley is gonna be here – musical guest.. uh, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 15

00o: Julia Stiles / Aerosmith

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart … Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Today on Martha Stewart Living:

Martha Stewart: Crisp Irish linens, savory corn beef and cabbage, and hot buttery scones: the charming old world traditions of the Emerald Isle. Here in America we honor Saint Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland, by donning green, gaily parading, and getting crocked out of our gourds. I’m Martha Stewart. Join me today on “Living” where I’ll show you some innovative ways to class up this unbelievably trashy holiday.

These popular novelty buttons are poorly constructed and potentially offensive. [Holds up a button saying “Irish women do it for Guinness”] I’ll show you how to make a tasteful Saint Patrick’s Day ornament with home made paper and a piece of hand hewn leather. I used my calligraphy set to craft this folksy label pin. It says Canigahadagragaba which is Gallic for, “You must be Irish because my penis is Dublin.” It’s both quaint and humorous.

Nothing says St. Patty’s in America like putting Kelly Green food coloring into everything from potato salad to piss water beer. We’ll use basil clippings from my herb garden to make an all-natural flavorful dye. It not only tints beer this rich emerald color, it also lends a refreshing aroma to the inevitable post-parade curb-side barf. [takes a sip] Mmm. And who can resist making out with a green-tongued stranger. [sticks her green tongue out and winks]

And of course, St. Patrick’S celebrations are the ideal time to put all your favorite green vintage house wares to use. I patina-d this copper kettle and added a decorative handle to make it look like a traditional Leprechaun’s pot of gold. It makes the perfect receptacle for public urination. It’s really such more elegant than relieving yourself against a police car.

So join me later today for a very special “Living” when I try to inject a little decorum into this potato grubbing, ass grabbing, street brawl of a holiday. Because Saint Patrick’s Day isn’t just for the Irish. It’s also for Dirt Baggy alcoholics everywhere … and that’s a good thing.

[Irish music begins to play and Martha does a jig]

Martha Stewart: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”

Submitted by: Michael Menninger

SNL Transcripts

Calista Flockhart’s Monologue

…..Calista Flockhart
Ally McBeal…..Rachel Dratch

Calista Flockhart: Wow! Thanks! Thank you! I am so happy to be here and I am so happy to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, I’ve got to say that I love New York, but I also have to say that it is very expensive. Now I have been going to the ATM machine to get some money, and I pressed the wrong button and I accidentally voted for Buchanan.

(Enter Ally McBeal)

Ally McBeal: Hey, Calista. It’s me, Ally McBeal!

Calista Flockhart: Ally, Ally! What are you doing here, and why do you keep following me around?

Ally McBeal: I just can’t believe you are hosting “Saturday Night Live” without me! I mean, do you think that you would be hosting tonight if you were still doing Checkov on Broadway? I don’t think so! You need me!

Calista Flockhart: And you need a Zanax.

Ally McBeal: (gasps) How can you say that? I thought we had a good relationship!

Calista Flockhart: We do! I just can’t be with you all the time. I mean, you’re so neurotic, you’re weird, you’re idiosyncratic, you’re always freaking out about something and falling down. I mean, why do you act like that?

Ally McBeal: Like, like, like, like what?

Calista Flockhart: Like, like, like, like this!

Ally McBeal: I don’t have time for this, Calista! I need you to introduce me to Ricky Martin. He’s hot. I wonder if he’s dating anyone? How about Jimmy Fallon? Do you think he’s too young for me?

Calista Flockhart: See, Ally, this is the other thing. You are always too desperate. Guys do not like that, you need to calm down. And, oh, I don’t mean to be mean, Ally, but, for God’s sake, eat a burger!

Ally McBeal: (gasps) I, I am fine! This is just how I am!

Calista Flockhart: Oh, right. Whatever, Ally! Now, could you just let me get back to the show and we can talk about this later?

Ally McBeal: No! I want to talk about this now!

Together: What I, I, I don’t understand is, why I can’t be part of your life without feeling that you resent everything I do! All I want is to be appreciated for who I am! Is that too much to ask?”

Calista Flockhart: Alright, we have a great show! Ricky Martin is here! So, stick around, I will be right back!

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4



Search Now:

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

A Glimpse Of Our Possible Future II

President Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Former President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Scenario II ]

Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States:Al Gore.

[ open on the Oval Office – super computers behind the desk ]

President Al Gore: Good evening, America. Tonight I have some important issuesto briefly discuss, which is why I’ve secured this four-and-a-halfhour of primetime – you know, as I do every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, andSuperbowl. Now, I want to pick up where I left off last time, with ourEconomics textbooks, page 326. Y’all are gonna need to get your homeworkout. You know, I was really disappointed in some of your performances onlast week’s pop quiz. Idaho, I’m looking in your direction.. Today, we’regonna focus on.. [ a big belly walks in front of the desk ] ..we’re gonna..we need to tend.. [ annoyed at the distraction ] Come on! Will you get outof here!

Former President Bill Clinton: Ooh, sorry, Teech! Are you on?

President Al Gore: Yes, I’m on!

Former President Bill Clinton: Let me guess.. Internet, blah blah..lock-box, blah blah.. I’m just kiddin’ ya! [ laughs ] Oh, by the way..[crushes beer can ] ..we’re out of beer!

President Al Gore: You said you’d be here for two weeks, you’ve beencrashing on this couch for two years! I swear —

Announcer: This has been a Message from President Al Gore.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4



Search Now:

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

A Glimpse Of Our Possible Future III

President Ralph Nader…..Jimmy Fallon
Devil…..Chris Parnell

[ open on Scenario III ]

Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States: Ralph Nader.

[ open on the Oval Office ]

President Ralph Nader: [ eye twitching ] Good evening, my fellow Americans. My great pleasure to address you at this time about unparalleled national stability and prosperity. My promise to dissolve a corporate political structure has resulted in great opportunities for all.

[ flying pigs suddenly pass over Ralph’s desk ]

Citizen groups, individual thinkers, have generated a tremendous capitol of ideas, information, and solutions tothe point of unprecedented surplus.

[ a pair of shivering devils stand next to Ralph’s desk ]

Our infrastructure has been rebuilt, the number of children in poverty has decreased, and we have a nation under an unshapely stable leadership, moving boldly to the future. Thank you all, and good night.

Devil: Hey, Ralph!

President Ralph Nader: Hello Devil.

Announcer: This has been a Message from President Ralph Nader.

SNL Transcripts

A Message from the Vice-President of the United States

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond

Dick Cheney: Good evening. I’m Vice President Dick Cheney, here to talk to you about energy. Earlier this week I unveiled the outlines of this administration’s energy policy, a policy which, sadly, has been lacking during the preceding eight years. This policy recognizes America’s growing energy needs and the fact that if our economy is to prosper, energy production is going to have to be increased. Now, some critics have complained that our policy doesn’t place enough emphasis on conservation. A few have even suggested that this is due to the influence of the petroleum industry, which they claim prefers increased consumption to more conservation. This accusation, in my opinion, is ill-informed and does a real disservice to this administration. I’m sorry, that outburst was uncalled for and beneath the dignity of my office. But, as you can see, it’s difficult for me to comment on these charges with out flying off the handle. First, because my personal integrity has been questioned; second, because my entire life has demonstrated a deep commitment to energy conservation. In fact, even my political opponents have acknowledged that I am one of the lowest energy people ever to hold this office. This is not by accident.

See, some years ago as part of my own effort to reduce energy waste, I decided to make a rigorous, thorough analysis of my personality, mannerisms and speaking style, and to eliminate any and all unnecessary nods, winks, shrugs, hand gestures, head movements and tone modulations with the goal of making my personality one-hundred percent energy efficient. Since that time, I’ve steadfastly remained in what I call “Basic Service” or “Energy Saving Mode,” making exceptions only for my eldest daughter’s wedding and, of course, the physical act of making love.

The energy savings have been dramatic. Let me give just one example. In the course of an ordinary five-minute conversation, the typical adult male expends 61 calories a minute. For comparison, actor Roberto Benigni during his acceptance speech at the Oscars two years ago used 47,000. (laughs) I use 2.1. Now, you may ask, does this affect my ability to communicate effectively? Not at all. Even in “Energy Saving Mode” I can convey any human emotion a situation requires.

For example, here’s ELATION: (reading from a card) “Are you joking. I’ve won the 60 million dollar power ball. I don’t believe it. This is a dream. Don’t wake me up.”

Here’s PANIC: (reading from another card) “For the love of God, please, someone help me. A dingo’s got my baby.” Total calories expended: 0.006.

Now, perhaps you are asking yourself: Can I make my own speech this energy efficient? Absolutely. Everything you need to know is contained in one 30-minute tape: “Basic Service: Vice President Dick Cheney’s guide to a flatter, more monotonous speaking style.” It’s part how to and part motivational speech, although it’ll be a somewhat low-key motivational speech. It costs $29.95, but let me state for the record: the profits from this tape do not go to me personally. They go to the big oil companies.

That’s all I have to say. Thank you, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullin…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Alfie Thuman…..Sean Hayes

Margaret Jo McCullin: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullin.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Together: And you’re listening to.. The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, Terry, once again, our old friend the groundhog didn’t see his shadow, and you know what that means.

Teri Rialto: Yes. Seven years of bad luck.

Margaret Jo McCullin: No. It means Spring is just around the corner.

Teri Rialto: Oh.. so it does.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Great. It’ll be fun!

Teri Rialto: Good times!

Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times! Yes. Well, Teri, “Spring” about some gustatorial goodies! Like lettuce.

Teri Rialto: Yeah, baby lettuce.

Margaret Jo McCullin: And hearts of lettuce! Gosh, my notes for the show are kind of lame!

Teri Rialto: Yeah, we really shouldn’t have rocked out so hard last night at that Cashew Festival..

Margaret Jo McCullin: It was nuts!

Teri Rialto: [ giggles ]

Margaret Jo McCullin: Alright, let’s bring out our guest. He’s an expert on fungi, and author of “Hey, Pardner, This Town Doesn’t Have Mushroom Enough For Both Of Us”. Yes, it does. Which I think is about mushrooms. Please welcome Alfie Thuman.

Alfie Thuman: [ enters studio, unsure how to use the headphones ] Oh.. there you are. Well, I’m glad there was mushroom enough for me on the show!

Teri Rialto: [ giggles ] You’re very funny!

Margaret Jo McCullin: We heard a mushrumor you were available!

Teri Rialto: That’s funny! You’re really funny!

Alfie Thuman: Well, I always love to mushruminate about fungi!

Teri Rialto: Okay, that’s enough.

Margaret Jo McCullin: So, Alfie, tell us about the world of mushrooms.

Alfie Thuman: Well, alright. Did you know that there are over 3,000 varieites of mushrooms in North America?

Margaret Jo McCullin: So you might say, wherever we are, there’s a fungus among us!

Teri Rialto: Wow.. that’s really funny.

Alfie Thuman: Anyway.. one can use mushrooms in a variety of ways: toss them in salads, grill them, I’ve even heard some of the more avante-garde chefs put them on pizzas..

Margaret Jo McCullin: Ooh..

Teri Rialto: Get out of here..

Margaret Jo McCullin: Freaky-deaky!

Alfie Thuman: Tell me about it. You know, when you’re hunting for mushrooms, it helps to know what you’re hunting for. [ slides plate of mushrooms onto control panel ] These here, are all mushrooms you can find in your own backyard. These platters include some wonderful edible wild mushrooms.. [ Margaret Jo and Teri start eating ] ..and some that are extremely dangerous and toxic to the central nervous system. [ the women abruptly stop eating ]

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. let’s say we just happen to eat a mushroom.. hypothetically, how would we know if it were toxic?

Alfie Thuman: Mm-hmm. Well, the first indication would be a severe distorting..

[ his voice becomes distorted to Margaret Jo and Teri, as psychadelic lights and music flash around them ]

Margaret Jo McCullin: Neat..

Teri Rialto: Fun..

Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times..

Teri Rialto: Good times..

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. for our listeners who can’t see this.. the studio has just filled with shiny, talking grasshoppers..

Teri Rialto: I can touch the sun with my eyes..

Margaret Jo McCullin: That’s true, Teri.. Hey, look.. it looks like our guest has turned into a lizard in a three-button suit.. Hi, Lizard.. how you doing..?

Alfie Thuman: This is Lizard Cosell!

Teri Rialto: Oh my gosh.. he’s doing a Howard Cosell impression..

Margaret Jo McCullin: That seems reasonable..

Teri Rialto: Let’s take a call from one of our listeners..

Telephone: [ dancing behind them ] Ring-ring! Ring-ring!

Margaret Jo McCullin: Thanks for calling..

Telephone: No problem. [ exits ]

Margaret Jo McCullin: In a minute, we’re going to get to some really great potato recipes.. but right now, Teri, I’m gonna fly down your throat and into the universe that lives inside all of us..

Teri Rialto: Neat.. me, too..

Margaret Jo McCullin: That’ll be neat..

Teri Rialto: Fun..

Margaret Jo McCullin: This is good times..

Teri Rialto: Good times..

[ zoom in on Teri’s face, then spin out to her and Margaret Jo’s heads soaring through the universe ]

Margaret Jo McCullin: Rice.

Teri Rialto: Crackers.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Peas.

Together: Infinity..

Teri Rialto: Crackers.

Alfie Thuman: [ whizzing past ] You already said that.

Teri Rialto: Oh.

Together: Neat!

[ fade to SUPER: “Nine Hours Later” ]

[ studio is back to normal, Alfie still there ]

Alfie Thuman: Teri? Margaret Jo? Are you guys alright?

Margaret Jo McCullin: [ waking up ] Wow.. Sorry about that, Alfie. We just went surfing in the psychadelic atmosphere..

Teri Rialto: Man, those were some mushrooms..

Alfie Thuman: Yes. Those are called portabella mushrooms.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Anyway, that’s about all the time we have on The Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when our topic will be..

Together: Poppy Seeds!

Alfie Thuman: If you like portabellas, you should try Shii-Taki sometime.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. love to.

Teri Rialto: Good times..

SNL Transcripts