KXLA Special Report

KXLA Special Report

Maria Escobal…..Maya Rudolph
Drew Barrymore…..Katie Holmes
Tom Green…..Jimmy Fallon
Fireman…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. We bring you now to Maria Escobal in the Hollywood Hills.

Maria Escobal: You’re looking at live footage of the home of actress Drew Barrymore, which caught fire tonight sometime around 1 a.m. We knew her career was on fire, now so is her house! Barrymore is the flame-haired actress who is known for her hot roles in “Firestarter”, “Home Fries“, and “Charlie’s Angels”. [ picking up a message in her earpiece ] What’s that? Stop making puns. Sorry. Okay. Apparently, Barrymore and her comedian fiance, Tom Green, escaped from the house unharmed, thanks to Drew’s dog Flossie. [ looks to the side ] Drew! Drew! KXLA News. What happened tonight?

[ as Drew walks up, Tom stands behind her open-mouthed and wide-eyed ]

Drew Barrymore: It was so magical! I mean, I was sleeping, and I heard this incessant barking and hairy wet face all over my body, and.. I thought it was Tom. But it was Flossie trying to save us. [ pets Flossie ] Good boy, Flossie!

Maria Escobal: Tom Green! Tom Green! Do you have any comments?

Tom Green: I’m angry that our house is burnt! My house is burning! Stop! Stop the house! Stop the house, it’s burning! It’s burning!

Drew Barrymore: Yes. Stop burning! [ laughs at Tom’s oh-so-cute antics ]

Maria Escobal: Are you at all saddened over the loss of personal property you’ve experienced tonight?

Drew Barrymore: [ long pause ] No. Tom is such a source of stability and comfort for me. He’s really my home.

Tom Green: [ yelling into megaphone ] My bum is on fire! My bum is on fire! I am not a liar! My bum is on fire! [ Drew laughs; Tom grabs Maria’s microphone ] I’m a newslady! I say things about the news!

Maria Escobal: Give me that..

Tom Green: Tom Green, let’s talk to your nipples, see what he thinks about the fire! [ squeezes his nipple ] “Nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple! Nipple, nipple, nipple!”

Maria Escobal: [ retrieves her microphone ] Here’s on of the firemen. Sir, do you think you’ll be able to save the house?

Fireman: Hell, no! I mean, that’s gonna burn down to the ground! We’re just happy that we saved Drew and the animal.

Maria Escobal: And Tom Green?

Fireman: Whatever.

Tom Green: [ in the Fireman’s face ] You’re a fireman! You put out fires! Fireman! Fire! [ licks Fireman’s face ]

Fireman: [ laughing ] This guy’s funny, man! This dude is hilarious! I sure want to get hot wit’choo!

Maria Escobal: So, Drew, Flossie the dog is the hero of the day.

Drew Barrymore: Flossie is so smart! I look into her eyes, and it’s, like, she’s trying to tell me something. What were you trying to tlel me, girl? [ bends down to pet Flossie ]

Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Drew.. you’ve got to drop this guy.. he’s a dud.. He makes David Arquette look like a genius..

Tom Green: [ sits on Flossie, pretending to hump her ] Doggie, Doggie, Doggie! Sorry, Doggie. Doggie, Doggie, Doggie!

Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Oh, Go-o-od.. good Lord, even I know this guy’s a loser, and I’m afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

Maria Escobal: I guess we’ll never know what Flossie is thinking, even though we’re burning to find out! For KXLA News, this is Maria Escobal reporting.

Tom Green: [ spreading face into the camera ] Doggie! doggie! Doggie! Doggie..!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Cracklin’ Oat Flakes

Cracklin’ Oat Flakes

Cereal Lover…..Will Ferrell
Wife…..Ana Gasteyer
Boss…..Chris Parnell

[ open on sunny morning ] [ show Cereal Lover showering, getting dressed, starting his day ]

Jingle: “Waking up, starting fresh.
Feeling your best is the only way.”

Cereal Lover: [ enters kitchen ] Good morning, dear.

Wife: Good morning.

Cereal Lover: Honey? We’re all out of Cracklin’ Oat Flakes.

Wife: How about new Cracklin’ Oat Flakes? Now with Ecstasy.

Cereal Lover: Oo-ooh! [ pours bowl, eat, begins to trip out to rave music ]

Rave Jingle: “Can you feel my love?
It’s inside you.
Take me home, I’m your synthetic lover
And your mind will be ravin’.
I also contain 16 essential vitamins and riboflavin.”

Announcer: Cracklin’ Oat Flakes. Pounding at your heart with the fist of God.

Voiceover: Warning: Cracklin’ Oat Flakes may cause damage to your spinal fluid.

SNL Transcripts