Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

Parker…..Chris Parnell
Rhonda…..Calista Flockhart
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Employee…..Chris Kattan

[ open on interior, company Technical Support room ]

Parker: Hey, did you see the cover of MacUser Magazine?

Rhonda: Oh, the one with the G-Form-2 on it?

Parker: Next to the Silicon Graphics ZX-10, it’s got to be thecoolest computer in the world!

Nick Burns: [ enters ] Yeah, if, by “cool”, you mean a computer thatdoesn’t have an expansion bay, extra-SIM slots, then yeah, I guess it’sthe fondue of computers, Dilbert!

Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”

Nick Burns: Hey, Rhonda, you’re not letting Parker corrupt your harddrive with that crap about the Q-bar, are you?

Rhonda: Oh, don’t worry. This guy’s not getting anywherenear my hard drive!

Parker: I was just saying that the Qube looks better than the G-4tower.

Nick Burns: Oh, yeah? So does Cindy Margulies, but I can’t runQuicken on her.

Parker: [ laughing ] Touche! I would have said Danni Ashe, becauseshe shows her melons. But still, a good one, Nick!

Rhonda: Really good one, Nick. Where ya’ been?

Nick Burns: Oh, jeepers creepers.. I was trying to help those moronson the 3rd floor. They’re trying to run RealPlayer behind a firewall withoutthe proxy set. Can you believe that?

Parker: You should take away their Internet. Those guys are dense!

Employee: [ enters with laptop under his arm ] Hey, Nick.

Rhonda: Here’s one of Jerry’s Kids now.

Employee: What was that?

Nick Burns: She said you’re one of Jerry’s Kids. Now, what do youwant?

Employee: My laptop’s messed up. Uh.. I was sending a file, and it broke.

Nick Burns: [ looking at the laptop ] Geez Louise! Where’d you get that, the “Antiques Road Show”?

Parker: Yeah, uh.. we could take a look at that, and then I could takea look at your copy of “Tron” on BetaMax.

Rhonda: [ laughing ] I remember that model. It came bundled with Frogger!

Employee: You guys gonna help me?

Nick Burns: Show me what you’re doing..

Employee: Well, I’m trying to save it.. so I downloaded it..

Nick Burns: Uh-huh.

Employee: ..and then I pushed..

Nick Burns: Yeah.

Employee: ..this button, and I..

Nick Burns: Uh-huh. Yeah. Move! God, do you run the Interneton this thing? It looks like it’s got a 28.8, or something!
[ techies laugh ]

Rhonda: We could upgrade your modem to a 56.6! [ laughs ]

Employee: Can you.. can you do that?

Parker: Oh, sure. If we had a time machine, and set it back to 1998! [ laughs ]

Employee: [ faux laughs ] Can you please just help me? It just frozeup. I need an e-mail – it’s very important, it’s for a report that I’mdoing today.

Nick Burns: Did you make a back-up file?

Employee: No.

Nick Burns: Never do. Just leave it here – we’ll do some carbon-dating on it!

Employee: I don’t like you guys. [ exits ]

Rhonda: Wow.. if we need any replacement parts, we’ll use anAtari 2600!

Nick Burns: That’s a good one, Rhonda!

Rhonda: You know what irks me? Those buffoons never back-up their files.

Parker: Oh, I don’t have to worry about that. I set up my Retrospectremote to back-up my hard drive every Sunday at 3 a.m.

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Retrospect only works with your documents,not your third-party software!

Rhonda: Say goodbye to your system resources! [ laughs ]

Parker: Well, hey.. can you guys cover for me? I better go homeand back that stuff up. Are you gonna be on-line later?

Nick Burns: Yeah. Hey, yeah. What’s your screen name again?

Parker: [ sighs ] You know what it is, don’t do this to me.

Nick Burns: No, no, no.. I can’t remember. What is it?

Parker: [ low ] “Sexyman 48”.

Nick Burns: [ laughs ] What?

Parker: “Sexyman 48”!

Rhonda: Okay, see you later, “Sexyman”!

[ Parker exits ]

Nick Burns: That guy’s a real geek! He gives us computertechnicians a bad name, you know?

Rhonda: You know, that worm probably lives in his mom’s basement!

Nick Burns: [ nervous ] Hey, cut the guy some slack. Rent’s high. Rent’s high.Rent’s high.

Rhonda: Nick, I know that you live with your mom.. but I like you..and I also like the way you make fun of people who know less than you doabout computers. I think it’s.. sexy.

Nick Burns: You do? I was thinking, maybe you could come over to myMom’s crib later on.. we could play Playstation 2, or something.. look atsome games..

[ they awkwardly lean closer for a kiss, until one of their beepers go off -they both check their collection of beepers to see whose it is ]

Rhonda: Oh, damn!

Nick Burns: You?

Rhonda: It’s me. It’s those idiots in Marketing. They probablyneed grief counseling because went under. I gotta go. [ starts towalk away ] I thought I was going to get my first kiss..

Nick Burns: Me, too..

[ she leans up to kiss him, both of them trembling, then she steps away ]

Rhonda: [ turns around ] Oh, by the way – you’re welcome!
[ Nick is left looking amazed that he finally got his first kiss ]

Jingle: “‘Cause he’s Nick Burns, your Company Computer Guy!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Tom Green: 11/18/00: VH-1 Storytellers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 6

00f: Tom Green / David Gray

VH-1 Storytellers

Russell Hitchcock…..Will Ferrell
Graham Russell…..Chris Kattan
Announcer…..Darrel Hammond

V/O: We now return to Air Supply on VH-1 Storytellers.

Russell Hitchcock: Hello. As we told you before when you didn’t recognize us, we are Air Supply.

Graham Russell: Yeah. I’ll go ahead and mention our massive hits again. “Lost in Love”, “All Out of Love”, “The One That You Love”. Ring any bells?

[They look around for an audience reaction and receive none]

Russell Hitchcock: Come on folks, it wouldn’t kill you to clap.

Graham Russell: It doesn’t take much energy, and it’s just good manners.

[Audience looks extremely bored and unimpressed]

Russell Hitchcock: All right. Back in the early ‘80’s we never imagined we would go on to be one of the biggest acts ever on the adult contemporary charts.

Graham Russell: Yeah. And we never imagined that we’d be dropped off the face of the Earth so abruptly. But we did.

Russell Hitchcock: We sure did. But now we’re back. In a big way.

[Audience still looks bored and unimpressed]

Graham Russell: So here’s a new song, from our new CD entitled “Holiday Love”. I think its pretty fitting for this time of year.

Together: [singing]“It’s Thanksgiving time, it’s such a great day now.
Turkey and bread, and plenty of stuffing.
It’s Thanksgiving time, it’s a time for Jell-O
You can watch some TV, maybe have some grape Kool-Aid.

Graham Russell: “I think I dig your style.”

Russell Hitchcock:
“I think I dig your style.

It’s Thanksgiving time, I love your new blazer
Your sleeves are pushed up, it looks pretty awesome.”

Graham Russell:
“Well, thank you, my friend. You’re so kind to say soYour eyes are so blue, I think that I like them.”

Russell Hitchcock:
“It’s Thanksgiving time, let’s go get a burger,Maybe some fries, and go take a car ride.”

Graham Russell:
“Go to a motel, drink a gallon of brandy
Hang out in robes, and see what develops.”

Together: Ooh.

Graham Russell: “I think I dig your style.”

Russell Hitchcock: “I think I dig your –“

[They look at each other lovingly, then begin to make out.]

V/O: Believe me, we will not be returning to VH-1 Storytellers!


Submitted by: Ana Carr

SNL Transcripts

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Sidney Shyner…..Chris Kattan
Joseph Lieberman…..Chris Parnell

Al Gore: Good evening. A little more than a month ago, Americans went to the polls to select a new President and Vice-President. And in that election, Joe Liverman and I received a clear majority of the Popular Vote. Yet, because neither I nor my opponent won the required 270 votes in the Electoral College – although I did win the Popular Vote – Americans still do not know who their next President will be. And until the votes in Florida are truly counted, we will never know. Is it me? Is it Governor Bush? Or is it Ralph Nader? Is it Socialist Worker’s Party candidate David McReynolds?

We will simply never know. This is what makes today’s ruling by the United States Supreme Court so unfortunate – the Court, in a narrow 5 to 4 decision, ordered the counting of Florida’s votes to be stopped, ensuring that the identity of our next President will forever remain a mystery. This regrettable action of the Supreme Court, instigated by Governor Bush, left me with one legal alternative – an alternative I’ve been unfortunately forced to persue. A few hours ago, acting through my attorneys, I filed suit with the Circuit Court of Leon County, Florida, against Governor George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and the nine justices of the United States Supreme Court. In this lawsuit, I seek only what is fair – you know, that Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney concede the election, so that the will of the people may prevail. In addition, I’m seeking, from the defendants, $117,341 in compensatory damages, and $13.9 million in punitive damages. Now, with further details, I would like to introduce my attorney, Sidney Shyner. Sidney?

[ Sidney Shyner takes the podium ]

Sidney Shyner: Good evening. My name is Sidney Shyner, I’m the attorney for the Vice-President. During the course of the past four weeks, through this legal manueverings to prevent a true count of votes, Governor Bush has not only upset the wills of the citizens of Florida, but has caused my client extreme and prolonged pain and suffering. Not only has my client been denied the presidency, but as a result of Governor Bush’s actions, has suffered headaches, dizzy spells, night sweats, shooting pains in his neck and lower back, loss of consortion, and acute sensitivity to odors. In addition, so severe is the emotional damage to my client, he has begun to appear stiff and awkward on television. [ Gore demonstrates ] Occasionally, even insincere. [ Gore stops ] Which has aversely affected his ability to persue a liveliehood. To correct these problems will require extensive therapy. The monetary damages we seek, large though they are, will cover barely a fraction of the cost. And let me add, for the record, I have no political interest in representing the Vice-President, and I am not in any way affiliated with the Democratic Party – Mr. Gore approached me after seeing my ad on the “Montel Williams Show”.

[ Gore returns to the podium ]

Al Gore: Thank you, Sidney. Senator Lieberman, do you have anything you want to add?

[ Joseph Lieberman, wearing a fake neck brace, takes the podium ]

Joseph Lieberman: Just two things. 1: Mr. Shyner will be representing me in my suit against the ABC Network and the producers of “Good Morning America”, rgarding their icy sidewalk. And, second: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

Season’s Greetings From “Saturday Night Live”

…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan

Horatio Sanz: Last week, we did a little holiday song up here, and it was lot of fun, so we asked if we could do it again, and they said, “Absolutely not.”

[ shows Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chis Kattan, and Tracy Morgan all dressed in green as fake snow falls on them. Horatio is playing a lute, Jimmy is playing a keyboard with a built-in drum machine that Chris Kattan is holding, and Tracy Morgan is running in place beside them, as jingle bells play in the background. ]

Horatio Sanz: Let’s do it anyway.

[ they start playing ]

I don’t care what the people say-
Christmas is really fu-un!
I don’t care what the neighbors say-
Christmas is number o-one!

I don’t care what everyone says-
Christmas is awesome and coo-ool!
I don’t care if you think it’s a lie-
Christmas and Santa ru-ule!”

Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care what time it is
I don’t care what day it is-“

Horatio Sanz: “I wish it was Christmas todaa-aay!”
Horatio and Jimmy: “I wish it was every daa-aay!”

[ they stop playing, and bow to the audience ]

Thanks to Tony DuMontfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Mena Suvari’s Monologue

Mena Suvari’s Monologue

…..Mena Suvari
…..Will Ferrell
…..Molly Shannon
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Tracy Morgan

Mena Suvari: This is so cool to be hosting “Saturday Night Live!” This is like a dream come true. It all started when I got a part in the movie “American Beauty”. But I had an equally amazing experience working with the cast of this show. Here, let me show you. [ walks off stage ] I mean, look at this studio, can you believe it? I thought you’d enjoy seeing what goes on at the beginning of the show. I mean, I’ve learned so much this week about doing live television. [ finds Will Ferrell backstage ]

Will Ferrell: [ dressed in his Spartan Cheerleader costume ] Hey, Mena! Good luck tonight!

Mena Suvari: Thanks, Will! [ to camera ] That’s Will Ferrell. He’s so cute. [ music from “American Beauty” plays, as Mena falls into a trance imagining Will seducing her amidst rose petals flowing from his chest ] Spec-tact-u-lar!

Will Ferrell: Have a good show.

Mena Suvari: Yeah, thanks.. you, too, Will.. [ continues walking down the hall ] And this is where they write the cue cards, and down the hall is the Props Department. [ spots Molly Shannon ] Hey, Molly Shannon!

Molly Shannon: Hi, Mena! You’re gonna have a great show tonight!

Mena Suvari: [ happy ] You think so? [ falls into her trance again, imagining Molly lying on a bed of rose petals ]

Molly Shannon: Are you okay?

Mena Suvari: Oh, sorry.. what were you saying? [ falls back into her trance, now imagining Molly dressed as Mary Katherine Gallagher ] Mmm.. yea-eah..!

Molly Shannon: Mean? Are you alright?

Mena Suvari: [ snaps out of her trance ] Oh, yeah! I’m fine! Goodybe, Molly! [ turns down the hall ] And this is where the extras hang out.. [ Lorne Michaels and Tracy Morgan pass through the hall ] Lorne! Tracy!

Lorne Michaels: Hello, Mena. How are you?

Mena Suvari: I’m very well, thanks.

Tracy Morgan: Mean, you fine! Ain’t she, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Fine. Definitely fine. [ Lorne falls into a similar trance, only he envisions Tracy Morgan lying in a bed of rose petals instead ]

Tracy Morgan: Lorne? Everything copasetic? You alright, dog?

[ Lorne silently turns and walks away, leaving Tracy confused ]

Mena Suvari: [ back on stage ] We’ve got a great show, Lenny Kravitz is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Rap Street

Rap Street

Grandmaster Rap…..Jerry Minor
Kid Shazzam…..Horatio Sanz
Aaron Carter…..Mena Suvari

Grandmaster Raps & Kid Shazzam: (rapping)
Grandmaster Raps with the sneakers on
I’m breakin’ heavy bling at the breaka breaka dawn
I’m Kid Shazzam, and my rhymes don’t quit
Cuz we both retired, and we don’t do…shikka shikka
Rap rap, a ribbity rap rap
A rip rop ribbity do!
And this is what we like to say
A rip rop ribbity do!
Whoo! Uh- huh!

Grandmaster Raps: Those rhymes were ill!

Kid Shazzam: Mmm-hmm! You can’t get no flu shot to protect you from those illin’ rhymes either!

Grandmaster Raps: You cannot, no, you cannot!

Kid Shazzam: Welcome to Rap Street everybody! Well, what’s goin’ down, Grandmaster Raps?

Grandmaster Raps: Well, everything is funky fresh!

Kid Shazzam: Ooh, funky fresh indeed! Before we start our show, we’d like to give a shout out to one of our fly girls – Janice Thompson. She’s gettin’ a hip replacement. Get better, girl!

Grandmaster Raps: So send your cards and letters to St. Mary’s hospital, down yonder on route six. Now for those of y’all who did our old rap school favor, we want you to see us live, and you wanna see us live too. So we’re gon’ to run down the dates for the Old School Masses of Rap, Old School’s in Session, Ring the Bell, 2001 tour!

Kid Shazzam: All right, woo! First one’s on February 19th, at the 50 Grand Lounge. Then the twentieth, Open Mike night at Carlos O’Malley’s Mexican Irish Pub. Twenty-first, cancelled, twenty-second, cancelled, twenty-third, cancelled, twenty-fifth, cancelled, twenty-sixth, to be announced, and the twenty seventh show is cancelled!

Grandmaster Raps: Woo! To be announced, right?

Kid Shazzam: To be announced, and the rest we be doin’.

Grandmaster Raps: Come on down, and we gon’ kick it up! Okay, now here Shazzam, have you seen this little kid rapper that goes by the name of Lil’ Bow Wow? Ten years old, and talking about dangerous grown up thangs like drivin’ cars and talkin’ on cell phones!

Kid Shazzam: You better leave that illin’ stuff alone! Cell phones increase the risk of brain cancer by 14 percents!

Grandmaster Raps: Mmm-hmm. Kids grow up too fast in the world of hip hops.

Kid Shazzam: That is true, that is true Grandmaster Raps. Which brings us to our guest. Now, he’s young, but he’s good. Puts that Lil’ Bow wow in his place like we put Charlie in his place in Vietnam!

Grandmaster Raps: Oh, that holocaust with flame throwers and napalms…

Kid Shazzam: Orgies and whatnots…I don’t know why I’m bringing up that illin’ stuff anyway. Well, please welcome little Aaron Carter!

(Aaron enters)

Aaron Carter: Yo, what’s up Grandmaster Raps and Kid Shazzam! It’s great to be here, I’m a big fan!

Kid Shazzam: You’re a nice young man. Now, tell us Aaron Carters, what kind of stuff do you rap about?

Aaron Carter: Fun stuff like washing dishes, getting straight A’s, cleaning up your room and helping wash your grandma’s hair!

Grandmaster Raps: What a nice young boy. Now I understand you’re gonna perform for us, and this is from Aaron’s CD and the song is called “Aaron’s Party”

(music starts)

Aaron Carter: (rapping)
Well listen everybody to what I say
My dad got a clown for my birthday
We’ll laugh and have fun acting all cool
Eat hot dogs and jump in the pool
Everybody Party Party
Everybody’s gonna rock
Everybody party party
Ends at eight o’ clock!

Kid Shazzam: Yeah! It ends at eight o’clock!

Grandmaster Raps: Good time for a party to end!

Kid Shazzam: Whoo, I love to party! Cut a garbage can in half and put some ribs on that sucker…

Grandmaster Raps: Oooh! That’s good! Yummy Time!

Kid Shazzam: You better watch it, eating all that food and jumping in the pool! You get cramps in the bottom of the pool like that…ooh!

Aaron Carter: Mena Suvari Yes, Mr. Raps and Mr. Shazzam.

Grandmaster Raps: Now what are some of the other songs on your CDD?

Aaron Carter: Mena Suvari Well, I got Candy is Good, I Like my Bike, and Help the Police.

Grandmaster Raps: That’s nice! You keep putting out that good stuff! Looky here little Aaron Carters, would you like to join us in a lil’ old school raps?

Kid Shazzam: One fly treble!

Grandmaster Raps: Two fly thangs!

Both: Come on, Aaron Carter let’s rock this place!

(music starts)

Aaron Carter – My name’s AC and I like to say, I like to rap in an old school way

All: We gon’ rap rap, a ribbity rap rap, a rip rop ribbity do!

Kid Shazzam: That’s the end of the show!

Grandmaster Raps: Good night everybody!

All: A rip rop ribbity do!

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: SNL Primetime Extra 2: 02/08/01: Celebrity Jeopardy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Bonus Episode 2

SNL Primetime Extra 2

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I apologize for what happened before the commercial, and would like to assure the audience that all three contestants are now wearing pants. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. Ozzy Osbourne has negative 79,000 dollars.

Ozzy Osbourne: All aboard! [laughs]

Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Martha Stewart has a commanding lead with zero.

Martha Stewart: Alex, I’ve transformed this simple game show podium into a rich cornucopia of winter flora, using dried figs and snow-tipped eucalyptus. I really treasure it.

Alex Trebek: Wow.. And, in third place, [sighs] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: We meet again, Trebek. I noticed you weren’t able to sit down during the break. What’s wrong sweetie, did you have a date last night?

Alex Trebek: Thank you, Mr. Connery. Now let’s take a look at the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: Potent Potables, Drummers Named Ringo, States that Begin with Californ, Richard Nixon, The Number After Two, Famous Kareem Abdul-Jabbars, and finally, Don’t Do Anything.

[Connery buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: What is it, Mr. Connery?

Sean Connery: Knock, knock.

Alex Trebek: Who’s there?

Sean Connery: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night. [laughs]

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Drummers Named Ringo for 400. And the answer is: This Ringo was the ‘Starr’ drummer for the Beatles.

[Stewart buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Martha Stewart?

Martha Stewart: I’m so terribly lonely.

Alex Trebek: I know.

[Connery buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Sean Connery, the drummer for the Beatles.

Sean Connery: Craven Morehead.

Alex Trebek: Who is Craven Morehead?

Sean Connery: Apparently, you are.

Alex Trebek: The answer of course is Ringo Starr. Mr. Osbourne, you get to choose.

Ozzy Osbourne: Chews? All right, I’ll take Charleston Chews for 60 millions!

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Don’t Do Anything. The answer is: don’t do anything. Don’t ring your buzzer, just remain motionless and you all win.

[Osbourne buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Osbourne, you just lost.. Well, at least the two other contestants-

[Stewart buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Why did you ring your buzzer?!

Martha Stewart: Because that sound reminds me of a yellow-throated New England warbler.

Alex Trebek: Well congratulations Mr. Connery, you-

[Connery buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Why did you do that?!

Sean Connery: Because I hate you, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, it’s your board.

Sean Connery: It certainly is, you beef-witted applejohn. Lookie what I did.. [made “Richard Nixon” read “hard on” ]

Alex Trebek: All right.. Fantastic. All right, let’s just end this. Final Jeopardy. The category is: You know what, I’ll tell you what, the category is Things You Like. Just write down or draw a picture of something you like. If you like circles, draw a circle. Mr. Osbourne could draw a Charleston Chew. Mr. Connery could draw me hanging myself. Anything at all. Well, let’s start with Ozzy Osbourne. He wrote… monkeys. Fine. That’s great, you like monkeys.

Ozzy Osbourne: No, I hate monkeys. They’re awful. I had a monkey one time, but he wouldn’t drink alcohol, so, I bit his bloody head off! [laughs]

Alex Trebek: There’s something wrong with your brain. Martha Stewart seems very confident. Let’s see what she wrote… absolutely nothing.

Martha Stewart: Alex, I’m filthy rich, I don’t need your chump change.

Alex Trebek: You’re playing for charity.

Martha Stewart: Screw ’em.

Alex Trebek: Please seek some counseling. And finally, Sean Connery, you wrote: Alex Trebek.. I-I can’t believe it.. Some-Something you like is me.

Sean Connery: Oh, laddie.. I know I’m hard on you but it’s all in good fun.

Alex Trebek: Well, I.. I don’t know what to say. Let’s see how much you wagered.. Sucks.

[Connery laughs]

Alex Trebek: I can’t believe I fell for that. So long from Celebrity Jeopardy, good Lord.

Submitted by: Pyro Falkob

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: SNL Primetime Extra 2: 02/08/01: A Message From The President Of The United States

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Bonus Episode 2

SNL Primetime Extra 2

A Message From The President Of The United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond

[ open in the Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: [ holding large check ] I have a check here – that is a big check – made out to the U.S. Taxpayer, for the amount of $1,600, which is the average tax cut for a family of four under my plan. And all I’m asking in return, is you start being cool to me. Ever since I got here, people have had low expectations of the Bushie. I had no idea how low, until I tied my shoe at a press conference, and everyone applauded. I mean, come on, I can tie my own shoe! Most of the people around here are my Dad’s friends, and they don’t trust me. So I’m asking you, America, to be my buddy. I’m giving you $1,600 bucks. Al Gore wouldn’t give you any money – he would bore you with one of his lectures, and give the money to a tree. Not me. I’m giving cash, in exchange for us becoming compadres.

[ Vice-President Dick Cheney enters the Oval Office, and gives Presidnt Bush an unwelcomed look of dissatisfaction ]

Uh-oh. Sorry, Dick. [ laughs to himself ] I’ll, uh.. I’ll go over to my desk.

[ stands up, and moves over to tiny card table next to the President’s desk, complete with Mickey Mouse mug sitting on it ]

I’m gonna wrap this up.. so, let me reiterate. Feel free to come down to the Bush White House – that’s 800 Pennsylvania Avenue – where I trade cash for your approval. Oh, incidentally, we also have a new exchange program, as one fellow found out yesterday, where we trade bullets for guns. [ laughs ] If you bring a gun down here and wave it around, the Secret Service will give you a bullet. A hollow point in the torso or thigh area. Thank you for listening. God bless. And I know y’all think I’m stupid, because it’s Thursday, but, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lopez: 02/10/01: TV Funhouse

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

TV Funhouse

Voice-Over: You just won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do next?

Trent Dilfer: I’m going to Disney World

Voice-Over: (as words scroll across screen) The Disney organization wishes to apologize to Super Bowl MVP Ray Lewis, who, because of his conviction for obstruction of justice, was not invited to Disney World in favor of quarterback Trent Dilfer. Disney now acknowledges Trent Dilfer sucks, and wishes to make amends to Ray Lewis with this exciting new home video….

(Show Walt Disney Pictures feature presentation clip)

Voice-Over: It’s an all-star cast of Disney favorites and the Super Bowl MVP in Ray of Light

(Ray of Light appears on screen)

Ray Lewis: (singing)
Dudes you hanging with have been badDon’t say nothin’ to make ‘em madYou can smile, it ain’t no crimeYou got the number one defense of all time

Voice-Over: With classic Disney Adventures

(shows scene from Bambi where Bambi’s mother is shot)

Bambi: Keep running, keep running

(gunshot is heard)

(shows Ray Lewis escaping in limo with blood on his jersey)

Ray Lewis: Oh Snap! I didn’t see nothing’

(shows some scenes from the Lion King)

Voice-Over: Ray Lewis is on the scene with all your Disney favorites

Ray Lewis: I didn’t kill no mother f***in’ lion. I don’t know who did it. We need to forget about that Simba s*** and focus on this Pittsburgh game. Okay, I saw a f***in’ wildebeest do something man.

(shows scene from Pinocchio)

Geppetto: Pinocchio

Voice-Over: With Ravens teammate, Shannon Sharpe

Shannon Sharpe: Yo leave the man alone. This is the best player in football. He didn’t take your f***in’ puppet.

Voice-Over: And songs by Elton John

(shows scene from Lion King)

Elton John: (singing)
And squealing on your friendis the hardest part of lifeSo try to focus on footballAnd

Voice-Over: Take Ray Lewis home on video and DVD

(shows scene from The Beauty and the Beast where the Beast gets stabbed)

(shows Ray Lewis escaping in limo aqain)

Ray Lewis: Oh Dip, I didn’t see nothin’

(Ray of Light appears on screen)

Voice-Over: Disney’s Ray of Light Rated R

(shows Ray Lewis on the cliff from Lion King)

Ray Lewis: (singing) I didn’t kill no mother f***in’ lion

Voice-Over: (quickly) Not authorized by Ray Lewis. Puff Daddy’s Fantasia coming next Christmas.

Ray Lewis: (singing) I didn’t see nobody kill no one

(End Credits of TV Funhouse)

Submitted by: Zack Carman

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jennifer Lopez: 02/10/01: Jennifer Lopez’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez: Thank you! You know, somewhere along the way, I picked up the reputation for being a diva. But I ask you, would a diva be seen on stage wearing this? Come on! Would a diva put up with people endlessly talking about her ass? Would a diva let her hair look like this? [ make-up artist touches up her hair ] Thank you. [ back to subject at hand ] So, how did I, Jennifer Lopez, get a reputation for acting like a diva? You know, I mean, it’s not like I have tons of people around me all the time — [ make-up artist touches up her fingernails ] I’m just a girl from the Bronx. And tonight is really special to me. I have my family here – especially, my Mom, whom I owe a lot of my success to. I mean, she’s the one who taught me to do things for myself. [ make-up artist touches up her eyelash ] Thanks, they’ve been sticking together all day. But the most important lesson I learned from my Mom was to be prepared. So, Mom, I want you to know that tonight, I am definitely prepared. [ removes bathrobe to reveal loose-fitting green dress she wore at the Grammys ] Would a diva ever wear Versace? We’ve got a great show – Jennifer Lopez is here as my musical guest! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts