Versace Oscar Special

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Versace Oscar Special

Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Adrianna…..Salma Hayek
Joel Royce…..Amy Poehler
Ricardo Ferost…..Fred Armisen
Michael Jackson…..Dean Edwards
…..Christina Aguilera

Announcer: Versace…extravagance…decadence…Donatella Versace

(SUPER: Versace Oscar Fashion Preview. Cut into a scene of four half naked studs carrying in Versace on a stretcher)

Donatella Versace: Ah…hello everybody. It’s my Oscar Fashion Preview coming to you live from my boutique over Roseo Drive.

Adrianna: Hello Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Who the hell are you?!

Adrianna: Like I’ve told you the other fifty times we’ve met, I’m Adrianna, the head of operations for all of your stores in California.

Donatella Versace: Well, right now you’re the head of getting me some more champagne!

Adrianna: Boys! (She claps her hands and the guys light Versace a cigarette and fill her glass)

Donatella Versace: Mmm…thank you. Now tell me again why I am her today?

Adrianna: Donatella, it’s time to pick the Oscar dresses for the actresses.

Donatella Versace: AAAHH!! Actresses!! Gross!!! (She tries to run away, but is grabbed by the nimble Adrianna) Let go bitch!

Adrianna: No, no, no, no, no, you have to work, we have work to do. (Continues to restrain Versace)

Donatella Versace: I’m not going to bitch, I’m serious!

Adrianna: Bitch, I’m more serious! (She gives Versace a huge slap)

Donatella Versace: (she recoils then faces back the audience, smiling) That was fantastic. Now tell me which ones are coming in, WHICH ONES!!!

(Adrianna grabs a notebook, opens it, and begins to read)

Adrianna: We have…Meryl Streep.

Donatella Versace: Pantsuit.

Adrianna: Salma Hayek.

Donatella Versace: Sweater dress, off-the-shoulder, with “Donatella” written on the ass in sequins.

Adrianna: Nicole Kidman

Donatella Versace: Strapless leather micro-mini with peek-a-boo cutouts.

Adrianna: Kathy Bates

Donatella Versace: Douve cover! From the Versace home collection.

Adrianna: Sharon Stone

Versace: Straitjacket and tights.

(A guy and girl enter the boutique wearing secret-service-like headphones over their ears)

Joel: Hello, hi, we’re here to pick up a dress for Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Ricardo: Yeah, CZJ needs a gown.

Joel: (speaking into her headphone) Yeah, what? Catherine?

Ricardo: (also speaking into headphone) Perfect.

Joel: Zeta-Jones?

Ricardo: Sounds excellent

Joel: You got it.

Ricardo: That’s funny.

Joel: ZJ, that’s great.

Ricardo: Sure.

Joel: Certainly

Ricardo: Great idea.

Joel: Okay.

Ricardo: Brilliant.

(they stop speaking into the headphones)

Joel: Hi, I’m Joel Royce and this is, um…

Ricardo: Hey, I’m Ricardo Ferost for Catherine Zeta-Jones’ people.

Donatella Versace: Great. You bitches put your heads together, eh?

Together: (obeying) Okay…

Donatella Versace: Now take tiny, baby steps towards me.

Together: (coming forward) Alright…

Donatella Versace: Little closer, a little closer. (Her head is millimeters away from theirs, she begins whispering) You tell that bitch that I need to see her pregnant Zeta-ass in person, but also tell that mofo that I love her so much, and when she comes back if she could just bring me a hotdog? Please? Just a small one with a little relish…(directly into their ears) NOW GET OUT!!!

(They quickly retreat outside the boutique, just as Michael Jackson comes in)

Adrianna: Donatella, I don’t mean to alarm you, but Michael Jackson’s at the door.

Donatella Versace: Who??

Adrianna: Michael Jackson!

Donatella Versace: Oh no, that crazy bitch. What should we do? Hide?

Adrianna: No, that doesn’t work with him. Let’s pretend we’re mannequins!

Donatella Versace: Okay.

(They both position themselves into stylish model poses, Versace still with her cigarette and champagne bottle)

Michael Jackson: Hello? Yoo-hoo! YOO-HOO!! YOO-HOO!!! I wanna buy some stuff…(fingering Adrianna’s hair) I wanna buy these two mannequins! Yoo-hoo!

Donatella Versace: (not moving from position) They’re not for sale!

Michael Jackson: Okay…bye mannequins! Halloo! Bye…HALLOO mannequins!! Bye mannequins…HOO-HOO!!!

(They break their poses)

Adrianna: Okay, he’s gone.

Versace: Thank God.

Adriann: Thank God.

Donatella Versace: So what do we do now, fold sweaters?

Adrianna: No, we actually have to keep going over the dresses for the Oscars.

Donatella Versace: Alright.

(Christina Aguilera enters)

Christina Aguilera: Donatella! (singing) You are beautiful…

Donatella Versace: Christina! (drunkenly singing) You are beautiful…oh my God, I’m loving you! It’s the beautiful new face of Versace, Christina Aguilera! You are my baby, ah? Yes, I want to hold you in my arms and pat you on your little back like a tiny baby. Then I can burp you, and put a little powder on your bottom…

Adrianna: (separating them) Don’t be a weirdo, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Okay

Adrianna: Hi, Christina darling, what can we do for you?

Christina Aguilera: I’m actually going to an Oscar party, and I need something glamorous to wear.

Donatella Versace: Oh, anything for you, here you go. (She rips off her dress, revealing a white bra and what appears to be a puffy blue diaper, and gives it to Christina)

Christina Aguilera: Donatella, you dirty bitch! This is beautiful!

Donatella Versace: (waving her off) Ah…you’re the beautiful bitch!

Adrianna: You’re both beautiful bitches! (she drapes her arms over both)

Donatella Versace: Ah…we are all beautiful bitches, ah? Now let’s go to my private and jet and go to that fancy McDonald’s in Monte Carlo.

(They exit and the half-naked guys start dancing again while the SUPER: VERSACE’S OSCAR FASHION PREVIEW reappears)

Thanks to Minhquan Nguyen for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

What’s The Rush?

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

What’s The Rush?

Sean…..Seth Meyers
Becca…..Amy Poehler
Sweet Pete Zernicky…..Ray Romano

[ open on title graphic, over theme song “You Can’t Hurry Love” by The Supremees ] [ dissolve to show set, Sean and Becca seated next to one another on the couch ]

Becca: Welcome! To another episode of “What’s The Rush?” I’m Becca, and beside me is my boyfriend of three years – Sean. This is a sohw for and by people who made the pledge to forego sexual intercourse until marriage.

Sean: Just because you abstain from sex doesn’t mean you have to abstain from life.

Becca: [ laughs ] That’s so true! Last weekend.. Sean and I went camping, and we had a wonderful time.

Sean: After our ten minutes of deep, familiar kissing, and restrained, over-the-clothes petting.. we decided to lie back and try to go to sleep.

Becca: [ laughing ] It’s amazing what you hear when you’re wide awake in the forest!

Sean: [ nervous laughter ] I felt my senses were ve-ry acute!

Becca: I felt that, too! It was like I could hear a single bead of sweat roll off your brow.. down your neck.. and onto your chest.. which I imagine to be muscular, yet hairy. Like a Greek god!

Sean: [ uncomfortably horny, thanks to the epic description ] Do you, maybe, want to do some jumping jacks?

Becca: Yeah, yeah! Jumping jacks!

[ they awkwardly perform a series of jumping jacks to release their pented-up frustrations ]

Becca: Okay!

Sean: I am gonna kill you!!!

Becca: [ screams playfully ] Okay! Whoo! We always get great guests on “What’s The Rush?” From Rev. Walker to Rev. Manning!

Sean: We thought we’d “switch up”, and bring out someone with a counter viewpoint.

Becca: Right. Someone who could talk about their own sexual experiences.

Sean: Because talking about it is fine!

Becca: Yeah, talking about it’s not doing it!

Sean: Yeah, what?! Now we can’t even talk about it!

Becca: Aw, give us a break!

Sean: Arrrrrggggghhhh!!

Becca: Okay! So, please.. um.. welcome the author of the book “Don’t Just Sit There – Bone Something”. Sweet Pete Zernicky.

[ theme music plays Pete onto the set ]

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ahhhh.. So how long is this gonna take, ’cause I got some serious bonin’ to do!

Becca: Uh.. now, Pete, uh..

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah ah ah ah.. “Sweet” Pete!

Becca: Okay. Sweet Pete. Um.. why did you write this book?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Well.. we’re livin’ in crazy times. You know? Yeah. The war.. terrorists.. blue ketchup.. tiny ovens that cook things real fast! You know? We need a release. We need a release from the madness! That’s why I think bonin’ – hardcore, non-stop American bonin’.

Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. so, sex. What’s that like?

Becca: Yes. Sex, is it good?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeeeaaahhhh.. You know what it’s like? It’s like Christmas morning, when you’re opening up your gifts, and you’re.. you’re.. you’re filled, you’re full with this overwhelming feeling of joy. You know? It’s just like that – only in your pants.

Sean: Is it, um.. is it different every time?

Becca: Yeah.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Each lady is like a different song, you know? Like a different song with a different set of racks! I mean, would you want to listen to one song for the rest of your life?

Sean: No, that would suck!

Becca: Yeah, you know, I like a lot of different songs.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Hey! Hey! I got an idea! you two should bone!

[ Becca and Sen are uncomfortably silent ]

Sean: You want some water?

Becca: Yeah, okay, I’ll have some water, thank you so much!

[ Sean pours Becca half-glass of water, then pours his glass onto his crotch. He follows up by pouring the entire pitcher onto his crotch, then the contents of Becca’s unfinished glass. ]

Becca: Whoo! That’s great! Thank you so much!

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Alright, quick change of subject – how come you two haven’t boned yet?

Becca: Uh.. well, uh.. Sweet Pete.. we mutually decided to save ourselves for the ultimate wedding gift, once we’re married.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah ah ah ah.. ssshhhhhh.. ssshhhhh.. sshhhhhhhhh.. Let me tellya something – I was married once. So I know all about the “once you’re married”. You know what that’s like? It’s like driving a Porsche in a school zone. Okay? Let me use another metaphor: you wanna pork other ladies all the time, but you can’t. It’s a drag.

Sean: [ frustrated ] Ohhh, that would suck!

Sweet Pete Zernicky: So, listen.. out of curioist,y what do you guys consider sex?

Becca: [ thinking ] Um.. I won’t give.. “jobs”.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah.

Sean: Also, uh.. if it feels good, she won’t let me do it.

Becca: Sean, I thought this was something we both wanted?

Sean: Why don’t YOU SHUT UP??!!

Becca: I didn’t say Shut up!

Sean: You know WHAT?!! You’re not WORTH IT!!

[ they break into uncontrollable, frustrating laughter, desperate to relieve themselves of this burdon ]

Becca: Okay, well.. thank you so much for coming, Sweet Pete.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: O-kay.. my pleasure. Anything else you guys want to ask me?

Sean: Uh.. I can’t relaly think of anything right now.. [ quickly ] On Page 57 of your book, you mention three-ways! Have you ever had a three-way?!

Sweet Pete Zernicky: [ happily ] Yeah!

Becca: Have you ever done it underwater?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeah.

Sean: Sex in public?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeah.

Becca: Where?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Elevator.

Sean: Moving?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yep.

Becca: Because of it being an elevator, or because of the sex?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: A little both.

Sean: Where else?

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Jet skis.. zoo.. helicopter.. haunted house.. scented candle store.. Statue of Liberty-

Sean: [ can’t take the frustrations any longer ] Okay, I’m going for a run! [ runs off set quickly ]

Becca: Okay! That has been all, you know.. all the time we have today.. Thank you so much, Sweet Pete, you’ve been truly informative and pleasant.

Sweet Pete Zernicky: Do you wanna go in my van and bone?

Becca: [ hesitant at first, but then boldly ] Yes. I do want to do that.

[ they run off to Sweet Pete’s van, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts