The Pianist

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

The Pianist

Black Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan
Black Guy #2…..Bernie Mac
Shusher…..Rachel Dratch
Male Moviegoer #1…..Chris Parnell
Male Moviegoer #2…..Seth Meyers
Female Moviegoer…..Amy Poehler
Male Moviegoer #3…..Fred Armisen

[ open on theater marquee, with titles:
“The Pianist”
“A Man Apart”
“Head Of State”
“Phone Booth”
“Boat Trip”
“Old School” ] [ dissolve to interior, dark theater during showing of “The Piano”. Pair of black men begin to talk throughout the movie, disturbing the white people around them. ]

Black Guy #1: I don’t wanna watch this, man! I wanna see that Vin Diesel movie, man!

Black Guy #2: Well, if you’d been here on time, I could have got the tickets.

Black Guy #1: I thought you were gonna get ’em from Movie Phone?

Black Guy #2: Yeah, but they don’t take J.C. Penney cards.

Shusher: Ssssshhhh!!!

Black Guy #1: What the hell is this movie, anyway?!

Black Guy #2: It’s “The Pianist”.

Black Guy #1: What’s it about?

Black Guy #2: [ unsure ] I don’t know.. I guess a pianist.

Black Guy #1: So, who the guy with the big nose?

Black Guy #2: He’s the pianist.

Black Guy #1: So, he play the piano?

[ angered, a white male moviegoer sitting in front turns around them interrupts ]

Male Moviegoer #1: Yes! He’s the pianist!

[ the two black guys turn to look at the moviegoer, annoyed by the intrusion of their private conversation ]

Black Guy #2: Do you have a problem, man? Something wrong with you?

Male Moviegoer #1: No! I’m just.. trying to watch the movie..

Black Guy #2: [ pointing in front, toward the movie screen ] Well, the movie over there, the movie not back here! You better turn around! [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No.

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: [ yelling at the screen ] Don’t go in there, Sbil Man!!

Black Guy #2: You gotta watch your BACK, Sbil Man!! [ perplexed that the character on the screen didn’t heed his warning ] Oh, come on, Sbil Man, they want to getchoo, man!

[ Male and Female Moviegoers in upper row turn lean in to interrupt ]

Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, could you guys please be quiet?

Female Moviegoer: Yeah, you’re ruining it for everybody..

Black Guy #2: No, the Nazis ruined it for everybody!

Male Moviegoer #1: I don’t believe this.. I don’t believe it..

Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No.

[ they return their eyes to the screen, now more perplexed ]

Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, hell no..!

Black Guy #1: You Nazis are PISSING ME OFF, man!! [ throws his popcorn at the screen ]

Male Moviegoer #3: Guys? Look.. I don’t want to keep you from enjoying this movie, but, uh.. I’m here with my grandfather. Okay? And he actually lived in the Warsaw ghetto, so..

Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, man? For real?

Male Moviegoer #3: Yeah.

Black Guy #2: [ over to the elderly grandfather ] You from Warsaw ghetto? We from the ghetto, too, man! Right on, baby! [ makes a Black Power fist gesture at the elderly grandfather, who makes a serious Black Power fist right back ] [ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: I learned a LOT about myself through your story, Sbil Man!!

Black Guy #2: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah! You know, Jews and blacks, they ain’t that different, after all. You know that?

Male Moviegoer #1: [ raises his arms in surrender ] You know? I give up! They make good points, but it’s ruining my experience!

Female Moviegoer: Yeah. Mine, too!

Shusher: I want my money back..

Black Guy #1: Sssshhhh! I can’t hear Sbil Man!

Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, if anyone is interested, there’s a showing of that Vin Diesel movie in ten minutes!

[ everyone else exits the theater ]

Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No!

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “45 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: That was a great movie, man!

Black Guy #2: I’m speechless.

Black Guy #1: [ they methodically begin to clap in unison ]

Black Guy #2: Sbil Man!

Black Guy #1: You go, Sbil Man!

Black Guy #2: Don’t worry, Sbil Man! The Nazis can’t take your Oscar away, baby!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 05/03/03: Count Chocula Silver

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 18

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Count Chocula Silver

Count Chocula…..Jimmy Fallon
Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Doctor…..Will Forte

[ Open on shots of seniors playing horseshoes, then eating breakfast in the morning, as pleasant music plays ]

Jingle: It’s a golden way, to start your golden day …

Male V/O: Breakfast has always been the most important meal of the day. But in our later years, we need a cereal specially formulated to meet our changing needs.

[ Shot of cereal being poured into a bowl ]

Male V/O: So, if you’re an active senior looking to start the day right …

[ Shot of the product ]

Male V/O: … reach for a bowl of new Count Chocula Silver.

[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula in the front yard, playing fetch with his dog ]

Count Chocula: Atta boy, puppy, good dog. [ walks towards the camera ] Hi! I’m Count Chocula.

[ SUPER: “COUNT CHOCULA / Corporate Spokesman, Active Senior” ]

Count Chocula: You know, when you get to be my age, people start telling you to slow down. But the way I see it, I’m just getting started. Bwa-ah-ah-ah!

[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula indoors, at the table ]

Count Chocula: That’s why I developed new Count Chocula Silver. [ Close-up of the box ] It’s got the fiber and vitamins seniors need to reduce cholesterol and the risk of heart disease, because like it or not, there comes a time when you need to consider your health. [ he sets the box on the table ] You see, awhile back, I had a real scare.

[ Count Chocula narrates flashbacks of himself as somber music plays: he wakes up in the middle of the night and clutches his abdomen; he gets examined by the doctor ]

Count Chocula V/O: I was waking up with cramps. I was sluggish and irregular. I went to see my doctor and he told me that he was going to have to run some tests.

[ In the doctor’s office, the doctor displays a chart detailing the risk factor of Men, Vampires, and Chocolate Vampires ]

Count Chocula V/O: He said many men my age were at high risk for colon cancer, and that, as a Chocolate Vampire, my risk could be even higher.

[ He sits in the examination room, looking nervous ]

Count Chocula V/O: I’ll be honest … I was scared.

[ Back to him in the kitchen ]

Count Chocula: I mean, I’m 178 years old and … all I’ve ever eaten is sugar-coated crap. [ holds up a bowl ] Bowls of it.

[ Back to the examination room ]

Count Chocula V/O: When the doctor said he had the test results, my life flashed before my eyes. But then he said, [ the doctor mouths the words ] “Count Chocula, you’re fine.

[ Back to Count Chocula sitting at the table with the cereal. The happy music resumes ]

Count Chocula: And I intend to stay that way, by keeping my colon healthy. You see, Count Chocula Silver works with your body, to keep you regular, gently softening your stool, while adding bulk to your movements for easier elimination. Plus … it has kooky marshmallow bats! Bwa-ah-ah-ah-ah! [ becomes serious ] Your health is your future. Make sure you’re around to enjoy it.

[ His wife and grandkids approach him as he eats, and he does his trademark laugh again. They all gather for a generic happy pose, followed by a final shot of the product ]

Jingle: …Count Chocula Silver!

Male V/O: Brought to you by General Mills, makers of Frankenberry for Post-Menopausal Women.

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts