Category: 2002

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Bush Press Conference

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell
Kathy Davis…..Maya Rudolph
Kevin Miller…..Will Forte
Rev. Phillips…..Fred Armisen
Helen Thomas…..Rachel Dratch
Nicole Haggeron…..Amy Poehler
Ain’t it Cool News Guy…..Horatio Sanz
Laurie Donovan…..Tina Fey
Ted Vitner…..Seth Meyers
Hobo…..Tracy Morgan
Secret Service Agent…..Jeff Richards

[ open on exterior shot of the White House at night ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, “Saturday Night Live”, normally seen at this time, will be delayed, so that we may bring you live coverage of the Presidential press conference.

[ dissolve to interior, Press Room, as President George W. Bush is greeted by anxious reporters and flashing cameras ]

President George W. Bush: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening. Last week, I held a press conference to.. [ sighs ] ..discuss with the American people the.. serious matters are facing our country and our world. Some people have claimed that the questions were too soft.. and did not challenge this administration’s position concerning the use of force in Iraq. Because of this.. I’ve decided to hold another press conference, in response to my previous press conference. I have invited the most diverse and respected media outlets to join me tonight.. and I have encouraged them to ask the tough questions. [ reporters wave their arms anxiously, Bush picks one out of the crowd ] Yes.

Kathy Davis: Kathy Davis, Pineapple Growers Trade Association Weekly. As we head into war, is it safe to say that pineapples continue to be safe and delicious?

President George W. Bush: Kathy.. [ considering his answer ] ..I would say “Yes”. I, uh.. I feel that whatever the political climate.. the taste and enjoyment of pineapples remains a constant. Uh.. next question. [ anxious reporters wave frantically ] Yes.

Kevin Miller: Kevin Miller, online Matchmaker dating services. Do you believe that there is someone out there for everyone, and, if so, is there a match for a man like Saddam Hussein?

President George W. Bush: Kevin.. I believe there’s a match for everyone. However.. until Saddam Hussein learns to be honest with himself.. he will never have a successful relationship. [ Bush acknowledges another reporter ] Yes.

Rev. Phillips: Hi. Rev. Phillips, from the Good Shephard church bulletin. Uh.. how has your faith soothed you during this trying time?

President George W. Bush: Thank you for that question, Reverand. Uh.. it is true that when in doubt, I look to the Bible for comfort and inspiration. And, as it says in the Book of Methiticus 21:12: “You shall descend on the moustached one with strength.. and rightiousness.. and with MOAB, the Mother of All Bombs.” [ Bush points out another reporter ] Yes.

Helen Thomas: Yes, Helen Thomas here, Mr. President. I have served in the Press Corps since the Kennedy administration, and, yet, do you know you completely ignored me at the last press conference?

President George W. Bush: Yes. Next question. [ points to another reporter ] Yeah.

Nicole Haggerton: Hi! Nicole Haggerton, Highlights Magazine! Our readers would like to know: “Why did the robber take a bath?”

President George W. Bush: [ leans in with his Secret Service agents to briefly discuss the question and its answer, then leans back to the press conference ] I believe it was “So he could make a clean getaway.” Anything else?

Nicole Haggerton: No.. you got it..

President George W. Bush: Now, let’s have some tough questions here. [ points ] Yeah. The chubby guy from “Ain’t It Cool?” News.

Ain’t it Cool News Guy: Hi, I have a serious question. How kick-ass is that new Matrix trailer? [ laughs ]

President George W. Bush: It is the opinion of this administration.. that it is totally kick-ass. [ points ] Over here. Yes.

Laurie Donovan: Hi. Laurie Donovan, annual Donovan Family Christmas Letter. Did you know that our son Bobby got accepted to Hobstra? And little Susan is loving her ballet classes!

President George W. Bush: Thank you, Laurie. And, uh.. and I would like to offer you and your family my condolences on the passing of, uh.. Mr. Whiskers.

Laurie Donovan: [ breaking into tears ] He was a cat, but he thought he was a person..!

President George W. Bush: I know that cat was like a member of the family to you. [ takes another question ] Yes.

Ted Vitner: [ wearing dark shades and sinister Tom Cruise smile ] Hey, uh.. Ted Vitner, President of the Tom Cruise Fan Club newsletter. This, uh.. this war is, uh.. “risky business”, is it not?

President George W. Bush: Well-played. I don’t think there’s anything I can add to that.

Helen Thomas: [ getting rowdy and desperate ] Mr. President!! Mr. President!! We need some straight answers! How can you justify bombing innocent Iraqis for oil! It is just outrageous..! [ chloroform is quickly covered over Helen’s mouth ]

President George W. Bush: I’m sorry, but I only have time for one last question. So, my apologies to.. Cat Fancy Magazine.. to Jumbo Word Search.. the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.. thank you all for taking time out to be here today. Uh.. yes.

Hobo: Uh, yeah.. Hobo Street News. Can I have a dollar?

President George W. Bush: Yes.

Hobo: And I have a follow-up. Can I have another dollar?

President George W. Bush: No. [ clears throat ]

Helen Thomas: Mr. President, you have not dealt with the main issue! You have yet to speak on the fact that half the people in this country do not want this war..! [ suddenly, a poison dart hits Helen’s neck ]

[ cut to Bush surrounded by his Secret Service agents. Secret Service agent over right shoulder hides a bamboo shoot in his jacket and smiles mischieviously. ]

President George W. Bush: Uh.. I couldn’t hear the last part of Helen’s question. But I do think I know what she wanted to say.. and that is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Frida I

…..Salma Hayek

Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] “Chicago” is dazzling. The movie of the year. 15 Golden Globes. “Chicago” is destined for Oscar gold. Or.. is it?

[ cut to Salm Hayek ]

Salma Hayek: Hello, I’m Salma Hayek. The movie “Chicago” is nominated for 13 Academy Awards. But, let’s look at the facts. “Chicago” is only 113 minutes long, while other nominated movies – for example, “Frida” – is 118 minutes long. What’s the matter, “Chicago”? Couldn’t you come up with five more minutes? And, here’s what they won’t tell you about “Chicago”: a musical play with the exact same name and story.. has been running on Broadway for years! I call that.. plaigerism. So, this Oscar season, don’t vote for plaigerism; vote for “Frida”.

Announcer: “Chicago”‘s won plenty of stuff already. Vote “Frida”. Submitted for your consideration by Salma Hayek.

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Frida II

…..Salma Hayek

Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] On March 7th, CIA operatives, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, apprehended Al-Quaida mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. In his Pakistani apartment, authorities found address books, computer hard drives, and one DVD. A DVD of the movie “Chicago”. In fact, Mohammed’s apartment was littered with “Chicago” memorabilia.

[ cut to Salm Hayek ]

Salma Hayek: Hi, I’m Salma Hayek. Can I conclusively say that there is a link between Al-Quaida and the movie “Chicago”? [ hesitant ] No.. I cannot. But I can tell you that the movie “Frida” does not support terrorism.

Announcer: Fight terrorism. Vote “Frida”. Paid for personlaly by Salma Hayek, with a personal check.

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Frida III

…..Salma Hayek

Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie “Chicago”. Her statements have been so outrageous and false, the producers of “Chicago” find it necessary to respond.

First of all: The movie “Chicago” does not support terrorism.

Second: Renee Zelwegger was born a woman, and has always been a woman.

Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a procticing rapist.

That said, we’d like to extend our-

[ Salma Hayek cuts into the commercial, standing in front of a close-up of Renee Zelwegger’s crotch ]

Salma Hayek: Don’t let her fool you! Loo very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can’t win Best Actress! She’s a dude! Don’t believe the lies! Vote for “Frida”!

Announcer: Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of “Vhicago”. That one part paid for by Salma Hayek, with some crumpled-up cash and a money order.

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

TV Funhouse

Announcer: Next on ABC cartoons, more highlights from tis week’s “Are You Hot?”

[ cut to the “Are You Hot” set, as Betty Boop stands onstage to be judged ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. I’m loving that garter thing. The sex appeal is outstanding. I have to take some points off for the face – the head’s a little large for the body, you’ve got a real.. Elephant Man thing going there. And you need a ch.n 4.9.

[ cut to Popeye the Sailor standing onstage, mumbling incoherently behind his pipe ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. you got a great face. I think the forearms are a little big, you might want to do fewer wrist curls and start thinking about biceps. I’m only gonna give you a 5 for sex appeal, because of the mumbling. The mumbling’s a little off-putting. Sorry.

Popeye: [ speaking up for himself ] I yam what I yam. And that’s all that I yam!

[ cut to Cinderella now standing onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Oh.. my.. Lord. I’d get up and congratulate you, but I’d spill my coffee. Cinderella.. awesome body! I am cooking a burrito in my pants right now. I am growing an ear of corn down there in the vegetable garden. I’m not turning into a pumpkin, baby – I’m a cucumber! Ah! I just spilled my milkshake.. will someobdy help me out here? Wardrobe? Sorry.

[ cut to Olive Oyl standing on stage, with barely a rag wrapped around the area where she should have breasts ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, seriously – eat a cheeseburger.

[ Strawberry Shortcake now stand onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: ..And the bloomers – the Raggedy Ann hair’s a little weird, the smile – I’m sorry, it’s creeping me out, but.. that straberry smell is very sexy. I’m gonna give you a 9 for sex appeal.

[ Droopy now stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Droopy, the attitude needs to improve. You need to come up here and owm the stage, bro. Okay? Yuo need the lids tucked, I think, and the jowls, too. Man, you need to Botox the s–t out of those!

[ Marvin the Martian stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Dude, you need to get out of the tanning bed. That is way too dark.

Marvin the Martian: You have made me very angry!

Lorenzo Lamas: Wow. Okay, I’m gonna have to give you a 4 for sex appeal, because of that ‘tude. Sorry.

[ Dagwood stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, dude. This morning, how long did you spend in front of the mirror with Paul Mitchell texturizing gel, trying to give yourself that perfect bedhead. Try running into a decent salon, instead of the mailman.

[ Optimus Prime of The Transformers stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. The cheekbones are a little much. Your look is kinda cold, a little too angular.. [ Optimus Prime begins to transform into a semi ] What? No.. that’s not helping. Sorry.

[ Yosemite Sam stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, Sam. You came out here with confidence, and that was good. But, right away I’ve gotta take points off ’cause you’re three feet tall. Let me see the ass. [ Yosemite Sam turns around ] Okay, the body’s a 4.. you have a nice chest, but.. more points off for the tiny feet. Now, the face, the moustache, that’s you – I love it. But the eyebrows are a big problem. You need to put down the gun and buy a pair of tweezers.

[ Barney Rubble stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Whoa. Where do we start, bro? Haircut.. nose job.. trunk legs.. what is that, a man-dress? Can we take that off, and get the whole picture, dude? [ Barney disrobes, revealing a huge bulge in his pants ] Whoa. Okay. Alright. Respect. Now, at least I understand why you have a hot wife.

Barney Rubble: [ offended ] Hey!

[ Bam-Bam grabs Lamas by the feet and smacks him back and forth across the floor ]

Bam-Bam: Bam! Bam! Bam bam bam!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Goodnights

…..Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek: Thank you very much, Christina Aguilera and everyone! Our wonderful audience, the fantastic cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live”!

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

The Channel 5 Late Night Movie

Cop #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Cop #2…..Horatio Sanz
Black Man…..Tracy Morgan
Wife…..Salma Hayek
Carl Denham…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: Welcome back to Channel 5’s Late Night Movie. We rejoin tonight’s feature: the original director’s cut of the 1933 classic, “King Kong”.

[ open on stock footage of King Kong climbing a tall building ]

[ cut to a pair of cops standing on the street below, looking up at the action ]

Cop #1: Holy cat! King Kong is climbing that building!

Cop #2: Look how big he is!

Cop #1: He must be fifty-feet tall!

Cop #2: Yeahh.. but that’s not what I.. what I meant.. I was talkin’ about his, uh.

Cop #1: Oh…

Cop #2: You know..

Cop #1: Wow! He is well-endowed, yeah..

Cop #2: I mean, even for a fifty-foot ape, that thing is gigantic!

Cop #1: Yeah..

Cop #2: Huge!

Cop #1: Yeah..

Cop #2: Enormous!

Cop #1: Easy.

Cop #2: I mean, when you look up, you can’t help but notice it!

[ King Kong roars offscreen ]

Cop #1: Hey, look – King Kong is lookin’ in that woman’s window! Uh-oh! I think he likes what he sees..

Cop #2: Oh.. that’s not a banana in his pocket, either.. He’s happy to see her!

Cop #1: Oh, no.. I feel sorry for the people who live in the apartment below.

[ cut to the apartment below, where Black Man sits in his easychair trying to read his newspaper. He looks up to discover the elongated, furry shaft of King Kong, but can’t determine its true identity. ]

Black Man: What the hell?!

Wife: What’s going on out there, honey?

Black Man: I was just sittin’ there, readin’ my paper, the next thing you know there’s a giant Tootsie roll in our living room!

Wife: That’s not a Tootsie Roll, stupid!

Black Man: Well, how am I supposed to know what is is?!

Wife: [ reaches her arm up and touches the mysterious object ] Mmm.. you should feel this.. [ taps on the sideof it, demonstrating its density ] It’s really hard and warm..

Black Man: Well, maybe that lady upstairs is remodeling her place, and-and-and it’s a giant roll of carpet!

Wife: Well, help me get it out!

Black Man: Now, just relax, someone will come by and get it in a minute!

Wife: Oh, no.. I’m gonna move it!

[ Wife grabs at the bottom of Kong’s shaft with both hands, and attempts to drag them across. The shaft doesn’t move, but Kong can be heard outside writing in ecstasy ]

Wife: [ observing the noises ] What was that?

Black Man: I didn’t hear anything.

Wife: Well.. honey, get over here and help me push this thing out!

[ disgusted, Black Man puts his paper aside, gets up and helps his Wife try to drag the shaft out the window. Even with four hands in action, the shaft barely moves an inch, thogh the noises coming from outside indicate that Kong is pleased about the situation at hand. ]

[ cut back to the two cops observing from the street below ]

Cop #2: Uh-oh! Somebody’s got a big grin on his face!

Cop #1: That’s the happiest monkey I ever seen!

Cop #2: Wonder what’s goin’ on there, Bart?

[ cut back to the apartment ]

Wife: I swear.. the more we pull on this thing, the more it grows!

Black Man: Wait a minute.. wait a minute.. let me look out the window and see if it’s caught on anything! [ looks out the window ]

Wife: Can you see anything?

Black Man: Oh, damn! She must be hoisting up furniture!

Wife: Really?

Black Man: Yeah! There’s two fuzzy beanbag chairs here!

Wife: [ disgusted ] She must be redoing the whole apartment! And look at us, we don’t have anything new!

Black Man: Wait a minute.. I’m gonna grab one of the beanbag chairs, while you pull on it. Now, I think we can release it!

Wife: Okay..

[ they pull harder at the shaft, sending Kong to climax ]

Wife: There is that noise again!

Black Man: It’s probably the construction crane! Keep pulling!

Wife: But my arms are gettin’ tired, honey!

Black Man: We’re almost there! Keep goin’!

Wife: Hurry up!

Black Man: Now! It’s startin’ to loosen up! I think we got it!

[ cut back to the cops watching fom the street ]

Cop #1: [ laughing ] God, that monkey’s making the goofiest face I ever seen!

[ sounds of Kong calming down from his excitement ]

Cop #1: Now he looks kinda guilty.. now he’s leavin’.

Cop #2: Aw, that’s cute! Now King Kong’s goin’ over to that billboard, and rippin’ pff that giant cigarette!

Cop #1: Oh, yeah!

Cop #2: Now he’s gonna go relax in the box!

Cop #1: You know what I bet happened? The planes scared him off!

[ expedition leader Carl Denham emerges from the shadows ]

Carl Denham: No, it wasn’t the airplanes, fellas. ‘Twas beauty.. that calmed the beast.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Salma Hayek’s Monologue

…..Salma Hayek
…..Chris Kattan
…..Horatio Sanz
…..male cast members

Salma Hayek: Thank you! I am so excited to be here! I have to admit, I was a little nervous about doing this show.. but the guys have been so nice to me. They’ve been offering me drinks, offrering me massages – a lot of massages.. Actually..

[ Chris Kattans enters stage suddenly, dressed like an 80’s rocker ]

Chris Kattan: Hey, Salma. How are you?

Salma Hayek: Oh.. hi, Chris.. hi. what’s with the outfit?

Chris Kattan: What? This? Oh. It’s nothing, actually.. it’s, uh.. okay. Well, it’s a little embarrassing. Actually, I’ve had a crush on you for a while now.. and, uh.. I just wanted to.. share my feelings with you.. if that’s okay..

Salma Hayek: Oh.. sure..

[ suddenly, Chris breaks into song – Pat Benetar’s classic “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: Very sweet.. but as I told you on Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday – actually, I’ve told you every day this week – you’re very nice, but I’m just not interested.

Chris Kattan: Ri- what? Oh! no.. no.. I came up here to congratulate you on your Oscar nomination! And, uh.. you know, in case you’re interested, I do own my own tux-e-do!

Salma Hayek: Thank you, Chris, but I.. I.. I’ve actually got someone.

Chris Kattan: Oh! Right! Ed Norton! Edward Norton! Very fine actor! Right! Okay. But, you know, think about it.

Salma Hayek: Okay. Great. Go. I’ll think about it.

Chris Kattan: Okay! [ exits stage ]

Salma Hayek: [ to audience ] I will not think about it. Anyway, as I was saying, it’s great to be here in New York. Yesterday, I was in-

[ Chris Kattan jumps back onstage with a full backing 80’s look-a-like band, as they break back into “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: [ stopping them ] Chris! What’s going on here?!

Chris Kattan: This? Oh.. this is, uh.. my band.. we’re a Pat Benetar cover band?

Chris Kattan: Yeah! We’re called Shadows Of The Night! [ breaks into cover version of “Shadows Of The Night” ]

Salma Hayek: [ stopping him ] You’re embarrasing yourself, you don’t let me do my monologue.. just get out of here!

Chris Kattan: Okay, you’re right.. you’re absolutely right. God! You’re so right.. I’m sorry. Guys, let’s go..

[ the band disassembles and exits the stage ]

Salma Hayek: You’re always trying to upstage me.. [ looks funny at the one of the band members trying to walk away ] Hey! You.

Edward Norton: [ in British accent ] Oh, uh.. me?

Salma Hayek: Yeah. Come over here. Edward? Is that you?

Edward Norton: What? No! No, I just play the bass, man!

Salma Hayek: What are you doing here?

Edward Norton: Well.. I don’t know.. after I saw how well Keanu Reeves did with his music career.. I decided to quit acting and follow my dreams of rock glory, you know?

Salma Hayek: Quit that accent!

Edward Norton: [ suddenly drops the accent ] Yeah, you’re right.. it’s stupid, I’m sorry.. Well, you know, we didn’t want to mess up your monologue, but we did.. we rehearsed the song for, like, five weeks..

Salma Hayek: Oh, I can’t believe it..

Edward Norton: What? I told you I liked Pat Benetar when we met..

Salma Hayek: No, I can’t believe you’ve been rehearsing for five weeks! You suck!

Edward Norton: Oh.. Well.. uh.. I’ll go home, then, and get dressed for the Oscars.

Salma Hayek: Alright, alright.. get back in here, sing your stupid song..

[ the cover band returns to the stage and breaks back into their version of “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: We have a GREAT show!! Christina Aguilera is with us!!

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Top O’ The Morning

Patrick Fitzwilliam…..Jimmy Fallon
William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers
Bar Patron…..Horatio Sanz
Brendan Maloney…..Darrell Hammond
Rosa…..Salma Hayek

[ show station identification slide ]

Announcer: You’re watching RET-2, Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 in the a.m., and next up is “Top O’ The Morning”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.

[ cue Irish music, dissolve to bar area of talk show set ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: It’s 9:30 in the AM, welcome to “Top O’ The morning”. I’m your host, Patrick Fitzwilliam.

William Fitpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes, so save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Put it in the Tupperware, burp it, and save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Today’s show is brought to you by Ireland’s #1 remedy for female sexual dysfunction.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Men have Viagra, finally.. there’s something for women – Jameson’s Irish Whiskey.

William Fitzpatrick: Gets you in the mood every time! Now, let’s start the show by saying..

Together: Happy St. Patrick’s Day to ya, cheers!!

William Fitzpatrick: And a Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you, too.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I am not talking to ya.

William Fitzpatrick: And why not?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I’ll tell ya why.As we all know, St. Patrick is known for driving serpents out of Ireland. In honor of that, my genius friend over here decided to release over 55 snakes into the bar!

William Fitzpatrick: In my defense, none of the snakes are poisonous!

[ a burly bar patron runs past the camera, looking straight at the viewers in horror as a snake clutches into his neck, then he runs back off frame ]

William Fitzpatrick: Fair enough. Maybe one or two of them are poisonous.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: There’s a bloody gaboon viper wrapped around the jukebox. [ camera reveals snake sitting on the jukebox ] He keeps playing “Crocodile Rock” – I can’t take it any more!

William Fitzpatrick: Well, I’m so sorry that I love the Patron Saint of our great land so much! I thought you might like him, too, considering your mother named you after him!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Aye, she did. God rest her soul. [ almost cries ] Not here.. not now..

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here – in front of the snakes.. not now..

William Fitpatrick: You’re on TV, pull yourself together.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here.. not now.. I’m done.

William Fitpatrick: You’re better?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yes.

William Fitpatrick: Have a shot. [ holds up shot glass ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Cheers. [ takes shot glass ]

William Fitzpatrick: Cheers.

[ they drop their shots, as bar patron Brenda Maloney walks up with a huge patch taped over his crotch ]

William Fitzpatrick: Brendan Maloney! What’s happened?! Did the snake getcha?

Brendan Maloney: I wish.. Don’t ever call Alfie over there a leprechaun.

[ cut to Alfie, who growls at Brendan ]

Brendan Maloney: It’s like he sharpens his teeth! [ waks away ]

William Fitzpatrick: Hey, Patrick! Did you know that one of these snakes is actually Irish?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah, which one?

William Fitzpatrick: That one. [ points ]

[ camera reveals snake with his head in a glass of whiskey, who empties it in seconds flat ]

Together: [ clinking their shot glasses ] Cheers, snake!! [ they chug their shots ]

William Fitzpatrick: Alright, we’re very excited to being out our first guest – my new girlfriend, Rosa.

[ Rosa enters set to Irish music introduction, and kisses William ]

Rosa: Happy St. Patricka Dayyyyyy!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I can’t believe it! Rosa bloody Gonzalez! How can you dating her? She doesn’t have an Irish bone in her body?

Rosa: Ooohhh.. sometimes I do! It’s twice a week – if he hasn’t been drinking too much.

William Fitzpatrick: What can I say – I’m an animal. And, for the record, her name is Rosa O. Gonzalez.

Rosa: The O. stands for “Ortega”.

William Fitzpatrick: You’re not helping.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I don’t know how you can date a Mexican. They tan in the sun, their food is.. delicious, and they can’t hold their liquor.

Rosa: Can’t hold our liquor?! Hey, I’m Mexican – I piss lighter fluid! Let’s go, let’s have some Tequila. [ holds bottle up ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: How dare you drink Tequila on Ireland’s holiest of days!

William Fitzpatrick: She has a sister.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Welcome to the family, when can I meet her?

William Fitzpatrick: Now’s the time to honor one of Ireland’s oldest traditions – getting angry for no good reason. As always, let’s take it over to our old friend, the Punching Wall.

[ the three of them amble over to the fabled punching wall ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I should warn ya, I’m in a great mood right now. There’s literally nothing you can say that would make me punch a hole through the slate wall.

William Fitzpatrick: [ without missing a beat ] England!

[ Patrick punches a huge hole into the wall, as a couple snakes scurry out ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Next year, no snakes!

William Fitzpatrick: Agreed.

Rosa: Irish are so violent. We Mexicans don’t have such fiery tempers.

William Fitzpatrick: Oh, really? Uh.. didn’t Mexico get knocked out of the World Cup by the United States?

[ with that, Rosa goes berserk, punching holes into the wall, swining barstools around the bar and creating great chaos ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: She’s a keeper!

William Fitzpatrick: Yeah, she’s a winner!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah!

William Fitzpatrick: [ to camera ] Well, that’s about all the time we have!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Gaboon viper, hit it!

[ camera swings over to the jukebox, where the viper gets another play of “Crocodile Rock” revved up ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!

William Fitzpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Together: Top O’ The Morning” to ya!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Fericito…..Fred Armisen
Lupe…..Salma Hayek
Avril Lavigne…..Amy Poehler
Gollum…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Despite the Bush administration’s request for a UN vote on Iraq Friday, they have once again pushed the deadline back. The new UN deadline is March 61st.

The U.S. military exploded a new 21,000 pound mega-bomb, the largest non-nuclear weapon in history, over Florida Tuesday. Minutes after the explosion, florida agreed to disarm.

In protest to France’s opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. congress’ cafeteria has changed French Fries and French Toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started Freedom Kissing each other.

Tina Fey: In a related story, in France, American Cheese is now referred to as Idiot Cheese.

Jimmy Fallon: Trust me! They’re laughing at us! French fries aren’t even French! They’re Belgian. Some American guy named thm wrong, to begin with. Also, Americans – they’re pouring bottles of French wine down the toilet. Stop it! You already paid for the wine, you dopes! Pee in the wine, and sel it to some French people! Then, you’re doing something!

Tina Fey: Yeah! And, you know, don’t think that by eating Freedom Fries, you’re being patriotic and helping the war effort. Use less gasoline! Read a newspaper! You know? How about you cool it with the Freedom Fries, anyway, you fat asses! We’re the fattest, country in the world! Have you ever walked around an American mall? It’s nothing but Chick-Fil-A’s and Lane Bryant track suits busting at the seams!

Together: Do something!!

Don Pardo V/O: This has been Jimmy & Tina Yelling At America.

Christiane Kittel, a 24-year old woman awoke from her 7-year coma, after she was taken to a Bryan Adams concert. Okay, so that’s one. But why was everyone else at the Bryan Adam concert in a coma?

The Dixie Chicks angered country music fans Thursday, when lead singer Natalie Mains told a London audience, “Just so you know, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas.” Ifyou’d like to her more of what Natalie Maines has to say, check out the new government wiretap on all of her phones.

Jimmy Fallon: Here now, all the way from South America, are Venezeulan nightclub comedians Fericito and Lupe!

Fericito: [ banging drums ] Did you feel it?! [ audience applauds ] I said, Did you feel it?! [ audience applauds louder ] I’m Fericito, and I’m a nightclub comedian from Venezuela.

Lupe: And I’m Lupe!

Fericito: Say, Lupe.. isn’t it wonderful to be here on Sabado Night Live! We have the most comfortable dressing room! I must have spent an hour on the toilet!

Lupe: Fericito, there is no toilet in our dressing room.

Fericito: [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!

Lupe: [ shakes caracas ] Ay, pipa!

Fericito: Awww.. so, anyway, yesterday, Lupe and I were in California. Lupe. Did you feel that earthquake last night?

Lupe: I did a good job pretending I felt one! [ winks ]

Fericito: [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!

Lupe: [ shakes caracas ] Ay, pipa!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, uh.. Fericito.. aren’t you going to introduce us?

Fericito: Oh, how rude of me. Allow me to introduce my new wife – and comedy sidekick – Lupe Muniz!

Lupe: Hola, Jimmy! Hola, Tina Fey! Uh.. Jimmy? You mean, Tina is your comedy sidekick and wife?

Tina Fey: Oh, no, no, no! We’re not married.. we’re just, like, partners.

Fericito: Ohhhhh… Himmy! Tina Fey! You sohuld really think about getting married! It’s more

Tina Fey: How is it more professional?

Fericito: People only want to see a man and a woman do comedy, if they are married! Like Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez!

Lupe: Like Howie Long and Teri Hatcher!

Jimmy Fallon: They-they’re not married..

Tina Fey: No..

Fericito: Look! Himmy! Excuse me. Doing comedy is like making love to your wife, okay? You sweat a lot.. you make funny faces.. and.. if you’re bad, the audience demands their money back! [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!

Lupe: [ fuming ] Fericito, this is not funny! Why do you talk about this things on television?

Fericito: Oh, Lupe.. it’s just a yoke, it’s a comedy show..

Lupe: Oh, no, Fericito.. These things are passionate. Our mothers are watching. Sometimes you just make me want to scream! [ angrily drops her caracas on top of the drums and folds her arms ] I’m just KEEEEEDING!!!

Fericito: [ bangs his drums with joy ]

Jimmy Fallon: Fericito, Lupe, everybody!

Tina Fey: It’s been reported that more and more Americans are using search engines like Google.com to locate and contact their ex-girlfriends and boyfriends. This is no use to me, however, because everyone I’ve ever dated has ended up dead!

A dog groomer in Nebraska has reported to the police for allegedly giving a poosdle a bad haircut. In other news: Osama bin Laden is still at large.

A Chicago man tried to rob a jewelry store by swallowing a 3-karat diamond ring, valued at more than $37,000. The man said swallowing the diamond ring was all part of his plan to ask his proctologist to marry him.

[ a knock is heard offscreen ]

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think somebody’s at the Update door.

Tina Fey: Well, whoever might it be. [ stands up to answer the door ] Oh! Look, Jimmy! It’s teen punk-pop sensation Avril Lavigne! Hey, Avril!

Avril Lavigne: F you, Jimmy! F you, Tina! [ makes a scowl ]

Tina Fey: Watch your language, Avril!

Avril Lavigne: No, I won’t watch my language! [ begins singing from “Complicated” ]

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, okay.. settle down..

Avril Lavigne: NO!!! I’m a punk rocker! I’m wearing a boy’s tanktop! Look at my mad face! Bleaaah!! F it up! Suck it! Look! Watch! [ holds her hand up menacingly ] That’s the English middle finger! Wrap your minds around that! I don’t know who David.. Bow-ie is.. or the Sex.. Pie-stols.. I’m, like, 17, and they’re, like, 100! So.. [ makes mad face ] ..bleaaahh!!

Tina Fey: Avril, do you have anything relevant to say..?

Avril Lavigne: I’m MAAAAD!! I have a paperclip! And put it in my ear!! I don’t give a F! ‘Cause I’m pissed!! And I’m a punk!

Tina Fey: Okay, time to go.. time to go..

Avril Lavigne: Fine! I will go! But just remember, wherever you are: “I’m with you-ou-ou!!”

Jimmy Fallon: Avril Lavigne, everybody.. Avril Lavigne..

A professor at the University of Wisconsin says he’s found a way to take the bitterness out of chedder cheese. Now, if he can only find a way to remove the arrogance from Wheat Thins.

A Texas man accused of abusing his stepson was ordered by a judge to spend thirty nights sleeping in a doghouse. That way, when the thirty days are over and the judge isn’t around, he’ll be really nice to his stepson!

Tina Fey: The 75th Annual Academy Awards will be held a week from tomorrow in Los Angeles, ending months of speculation over who will win an Oscar, the most coveted statue in the world.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s right, Tina. Check it out. We just happen to have one of those babies here on loan from the Academy. [ rwaches under Update desk ] Or, at least, it should be here.. [ finding nothing ] Oh, my God!

Tina Fey: What?

Jimmy Fallon: The Oscar.. it’s gone.. someone took it..

Tina Fey: Well, who would want to do that?

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know.. Tracy.. Horatio.. I don’t know..

[ Gollum, from “The Lord of the Rings” jumps atop the Update desk ]

Gollum: The precious! We want that! We deserve that!

Jimmy & Tina: Gollum!!

Jimmy Fallon: I should have known it was you.

Gollum: The precious! We love the precious!

Jimmy Fallon: Gollum, that Oscar has to be returned to the Academy Awards. Speaking of which.. who are your picks this year?

Gollum: Julianne Moore should win Best Actresses! [ turns head ] No! Julianne Moore should win Best Supporting Actresses! [ turns head back ] Hoo-oo-oo-oohhh! We loved “Gangs of New York”! [ turns head ] Hmm.. really? Do you think Oscar says his best work? [ turns head back ] Hoo-oo-oo-oohhh! No, you’re right.. they’re just giving him props for all the times he was overlooked!

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, okay, okay.. it’s time to go. Hey.. by the way.. who’s your big date for the night?

Gollum: I’m bringing my mother! But, God, I’m not gay!

Tina Fey: Gollum, everybody! He’s not gay.

ABC’s “All My Children” will break a daytime TV taboo, when it features the first-ever lesbian love scene. Hoping it’s a success, other soaps are ocnsidering gay spin-offs, such as: “The Bald & The Beautiful”, “As The World Turns Over”, “Pork Charles”, and, of course, say it with me: “Genital Hospital”.

Tina Fey: St. Patrick’s Day is on Monday. Here with some thoughts on the celebration of all things Irish, is our own Jimmy Fallon!

Jimmy Fallon: [ holding guitar ] St. Patrick’s Day is coming up, and I can’t wait! I love it! As you know, you don’t have to be Irish to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Last year, I went to my favorite Irish bar, and I was the only Irish guy there.

[ singing to the tune of John Mayer’s “Your Body Is A Wonderland” ]

“There’s a rabbi with a shillelagh
There’s a McCormack named Sean.
There’s an Indian dude playing bagpipes
There’s a Chinese leprechaun.

Nobody’s here from Ireland!
Nobody’s here from Ireland, that’s for sure.
Nobody’s here from Ireland!
Nobody’s here from Ireland!”

It’s fun, uh.. people dance, they sing.. they drink. Uh.. and I have a favorite drink, uh..

[ singing to the tune of Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” ]

“St. Patrick’s Day, I think it’s wonderful
The day is here, for Guinness Beer.
Guinness Beer, you’re mysterious
I pour you out, then wait an hour
You are beautiful, I drank a case today!
Now I weigh 300 pounds
So won’t you drink one down?
Won’t you drink one down?
Today?”

Of course, there’s a big parade that goes up 5th Ave., but there’s still this controversy about not letting everybody march.

[ singing to the tune of Coldplay’s “Clocks” ]

“Bagpipes start to play
You can march, unless you’re gay
Singing many different shades of green
Don’t mess with an angry queen.

Singing let them march, and you will know
Gay guys make better floats.
Singing coo-oo-oo-ool float.
Coo-oo-oo-ool float.”

Please remember that, uh.. this holiday can be a lot of fun, uh.. don’t drink too much, okay?

[ singing to the tune of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” ]

“Look!
You only have one shot!
After 6 pints of Amstel, 3 Budweisers,
2 beers I never heard of – microbrews.
Plus 1 Seagram’s wine cooler you stole out of some girl’s backpack.
Then you ate everything you saw at the parade.
Could you digest it?
Or lose control of your bodily functions.

Yo, my palms are sweaty.
Corned beef, canned confetti
Falling on my sweater already.
Green confetti I’m bupring, But on purpose I keep forgettin’ to throw up

I don’t think my brain will let me hold it down.
Now, I’m bending over, it won’t come out
Time’s up! Over! Blast!
And back comes the cabbage
There goes shamrocks
Some wasted sandwiches
I hope there’s no cameras
Oh, a weak bladder
I won’t until it don’t matter
I’ll clean it next Saturday
Puke yourself in the bathroom..”

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey! And that’s Jimmy Fallon! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Jimmy continues to play his guitar, and a gangster sneaks up behind him and steals his pencil ]

SNL Transcripts