Salma Hayek’s Monologue

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Salma Hayek’s Monologue

…..Salma Hayek
…..Chris Kattan
…..Horatio Sanz
…..male cast members

Salma Hayek: Thank you! I am so excited to be here! I have to admit, I was a little nervous about doing this show.. but the guys have been so nice to me. They’ve been offering me drinks, offrering me massages – a lot of massages.. Actually..

[ Chris Kattans enters stage suddenly, dressed like an 80’s rocker ]

Chris Kattan: Hey, Salma. How are you?

Salma Hayek: Oh.. hi, Chris.. hi. what’s with the outfit?

Chris Kattan: What? This? Oh. It’s nothing, actually.. it’s, uh.. okay. Well, it’s a little embarrassing. Actually, I’ve had a crush on you for a while now.. and, uh.. I just wanted to.. share my feelings with you.. if that’s okay..

Salma Hayek: Oh.. sure..

[ suddenly, Chris breaks into song – Pat Benetar’s classic “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: Very sweet.. but as I told you on Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday – actually, I’ve told you every day this week – you’re very nice, but I’m just not interested.

Chris Kattan: Ri- what? Oh! no.. no.. I came up here to congratulate you on your Oscar nomination! And, uh.. you know, in case you’re interested, I do own my own tux-e-do!

Salma Hayek: Thank you, Chris, but I.. I.. I’ve actually got someone.

Chris Kattan: Oh! Right! Ed Norton! Edward Norton! Very fine actor! Right! Okay. But, you know, think about it.

Salma Hayek: Okay. Great. Go. I’ll think about it.

Chris Kattan: Okay! [ exits stage ]

Salma Hayek: [ to audience ] I will not think about it. Anyway, as I was saying, it’s great to be here in New York. Yesterday, I was in-

[ Chris Kattan jumps back onstage with a full backing 80’s look-a-like band, as they break back into “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: [ stopping them ] Chris! What’s going on here?!

Chris Kattan: This? Oh.. this is, uh.. my band.. we’re a Pat Benetar cover band?

Chris Kattan: Yeah! We’re called Shadows Of The Night! [ breaks into cover version of “Shadows Of The Night” ]

Salma Hayek: [ stopping him ] You’re embarrasing yourself, you don’t let me do my monologue.. just get out of here!

Chris Kattan: Okay, you’re right.. you’re absolutely right. God! You’re so right.. I’m sorry. Guys, let’s go..

[ the band disassembles and exits the stage ]

Salma Hayek: You’re always trying to upstage me.. [ looks funny at the one of the band members trying to walk away ] Hey! You.

Edward Norton: [ in British accent ] Oh, uh.. me?

Salma Hayek: Yeah. Come over here. Edward? Is that you?

Edward Norton: What? No! No, I just play the bass, man!

Salma Hayek: What are you doing here?

Edward Norton: Well.. I don’t know.. after I saw how well Keanu Reeves did with his music career.. I decided to quit acting and follow my dreams of rock glory, you know?

Salma Hayek: Quit that accent!

Edward Norton: [ suddenly drops the accent ] Yeah, you’re right.. it’s stupid, I’m sorry.. Well, you know, we didn’t want to mess up your monologue, but we did.. we rehearsed the song for, like, five weeks..

Salma Hayek: Oh, I can’t believe it..

Edward Norton: What? I told you I liked Pat Benetar when we met..

Salma Hayek: No, I can’t believe you’ve been rehearsing for five weeks! You suck!

Edward Norton: Oh.. Well.. uh.. I’ll go home, then, and get dressed for the Oscars.

Salma Hayek: Alright, alright.. get back in here, sing your stupid song..

[ the cover band returns to the stage and breaks back into their version of “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: We have a GREAT show!! Christina Aguilera is with us!!

SNL Transcripts

CNN Newsbreak

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

CNN Newsbreak

Aaron Brown…..Darrell Hammond
…..Chris Kattan

[ dissolve onto Aaron Brown at the CNN newsdesk, as the latest news scrolls across the bottom of the screen: ]

Scroll: “All-Night Vegas wraps, laughter heard.

Scroll: Whereabouts of Tracy Morgan remain unknown, systematic searh of area topless bars yield no results.

Scroll: Preliminary reports indicate that Horatio Sanz has commenced ninth beer of evening, tenth expected shortly.

Scroll: Sanz: “Hey, lay off of me, man.”

Scroll: SNL rookie writer James Eagan: “Just really excited to be part of it all.”

[ scroll repeats throughout the mini-broadcast ]

Aaron Brown: Um.. good evening, um.. I’m Aaron Brown. And I.. I’ve been talking for.. a long time. A long.. long time.. For those of you who are just joining our coverage, the top story out of Studio 8-H here in New York is that the All-Night Vegas sketch has wrapped. Which is to say that it has reached its inevitable.. conclusion. The next sketch: funny, enlightening, entertaining.. it should be starting any minute now. But, uh.. as of yet, we don’t seem to be quite ready. I, uh.. apologize for the delay. It’s 12:26 Eastern Standard Time, or 12:26 Studio 8-H.. Daylight Time. [ clears throat ] That was, of course, the inimitable, uh.. Chris Karttan, the man who has.. provided us with so much, uh.. joy. Over the years.. revisiting the role of down-on-his-luck Las Vegas comedian Buddy Mills. A man who, uh.. is faced with a whole.. [ laughing ] ..a whole host of problems! Stemming from his, uh.. flatering career.. [ laughs again ] ..his, uh.. difficult marriage.. his ailing prostate, and.. [ laughing ] And the lsit goes on!

I’m getting word that we’re just moments away from the next sketch, but we’re not quite there yet. These great cast members are, of course, under a tremendous amount of stress. And we’re going to go now to Chris Kattan, live, for.. an insider’s perspective.. on that last sketch. And, Chris, are you there?

[ show split screen on Aaron on one side, and Chris Kattan, still in costume, on the other side ]

Aaron Brown: [ coughs ] Chris? [ Chris mumbles to himself on his side ] Okay. Unfortunately, there seems to be some audio problems.. with Chris’ audio. We’re going to be working on that situation, and we’re gonna.. okay. I’m now getting word the next sketch is ready, and I believe this is a parody of a commercial for something called the, uh.. [ receiving communication in his earpiece ] Oh.. okay.. it’s.. an actual commercial. Alright, then, can I just take a little break, then? It’d be all right if I just- No? No break? Okay, then.. we’re gonna be.. we’ll be back right.. after this.

[ cut to bumper montage, fade to real commercials ]

SNL Transcripts