No Smoking

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

No Smoking

Bartender…..Seth Meyers
Red…..Bernie Mac
Hedda…..Amy Poehler
Jerry…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on interior, barroom, as Red sits glumly at the bar ]

Bartender: Can I get you another one, Red?

Red: Yeah.. give me another one. Bacardi Rum. And, tell me again – I don’t think I hear you good? I can’t smoke here?

Bartender: You can’t smoke in any bar in New York City!

Red: None at all?

Bartender: Mayor’s new policy.

Red: Ohhh, this is horrible! This is horrible! It’s just plain horrible!

Bartender: Hey, I agree, Red – I think it sucks! It’s bad for business!

Red: It’s bad for business?! It’s bad for freedom! This is America! I pay my taxes! I walk my dog! I pick up my poop! I’m a grown man! Damn, I’m upset! I need a cigarette! [ lights up a cigarette ]

Bartender: Hey, hey, Red! [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, and puts it out ] Sorry, Red! No!

Red: How you feel about it, Hedda.. how you feel about it?

Hedda: I’ve been smoking for twenty years..

Red: You never hurt nobody!

Hedda: You know what I say? Mayor Mike is not the boss of me. He’s nuts! [ lights a cigarette ]

Bartender: Hey! [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

Hedda: Oh, come on, gorgeous.

Red: Heyyyy, I’m a grown man! I vote! I cross the street at the light! I say please and thank you! I’m not killin’ nobody! I’m killin’ myself! And it’s my right! I need a cigarette!

Bartender: No! [ a pause ] Listen, I think they’re just trying to cut down on second-hand smoke.

Hedda: You know what? That’s crazy!

Red: It is crazy!

Hedda: It’s cuckoo!

Red: Cuckoo!

Hedda: Up yours, Mayor Mike! He don’t like second-hand smoke, ’cause he’s a second-hand Mayor! [ lights a cigarette ]

Bartender: Alright.. alright.. alright.. [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

Hedda: Hey! Hey! You’re killing me, gorgeous!

Red: Let me tell you something – back in the day, we coulda smoked in a nursery school!

Hedda: That’s right!

Red: My momma would pack a pack of Lucky Strikes in my lunchbox!

Hedda: That right?

Red: We would smoke in the hospital!

Hedda: Amen.. amen to that..

Red: Dammit! We could smoke in swimming pools!

Hedda: Of course..

Red: Back in the days, smoking was good for you!

Hedda: Good for you..

Red: It makes you run faster!

Hedda: Run faster..

Red: It makes you smarter! It makes you a better lover!

Hedda: That’s right..

Red: I need a cigarette! [ puts a cigarette in his mouth ]

Hedda: [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, puts it in her own mouth ] Let me tell you something – smokers do make your better lovers, or, as I like to say, puffers are good stuffers.

Red: [ laughs, choking ]

Bartender: [ takes the cigarette away from both of them ] Look, guys, if you wanna smoke, why don’t you just go outside?

Hedda: Nooooooo!

Red: I’m not going outside! I’m not going out there like no dog, or a Vietnamese!

Hedda: No, I’m not gonna smoke outside, no way! You know why I don’t go outside?

Red: Why?

Hedda: There’s too much air!

Red: Yeah!

Hedda: [ choking, coughs up a whole cigarette ] Oh.. jackpot!

Red: Yeah, yeah!

[ Jerry enters ]

Jerry: Hey Red.. hey, Hedda..

Red: Hey!

Hedda: Hey..! [ kisses Jerry on the cheek ]

Bartender: [ as Jerry lights a cigarette ] Hey, sorry there, Jerry – no smoking.

Jerry: But it’s after midnight.

Bartender: Sorry.

Jerry: These are lights.

Bartender: Sorry.

Jerry: Uh.. I have a doctor’s note.

Bartender: Can’t do it.

Jerry: But I’m a regular!

Bartender: Nope!

Jerry: I’ll light the other end.

Bartender: Can’t!

Jerry: I won’t exhale.

Bartender: Sorry, Jerry.

Jerry: [ holds up his hands awkwardly ] Dammit! If I’m not smoking, I don’t know what to do with my hands..

Red: Hmm.. let me tell you something – I want to revolt! I want to vote all over again! I’m gonna storm City Hall! I’m gonna e-mail the President! I walk my dog! I need a cigarette!

Jerry: [ still confused about the status of his hands ] Should I put ’em on my waist..? Or should I put ’em in my pockets, or something..? Does this look weird?

Red: Besides! There is no medical evidence.. that proves smoking is bad for you!

Hedda: There’s no medical evidence..

Red: The only people that say that smokin’ is bad for you are scientists!

Hedda: Right.

Red: And doctors and tobacco companies! Who can you trust?!

Hedda: Nobody.

Jerry: [ still very confused about his hands’ current function ] Sh-should I clap? [ claps ] I mean.. wh-wh-what if I put ’em on my leg..? Should I put ’em in my mouth, maybe, uh..

Hedda: Hey! I’ll tell you something.

Red: Tell ’em!

Hedda: A woman my age.. has earned the right.. to enjoy life’s little pleasures.

Jerry: How old are ya, Hedda?

Hedda: 25; 26.. in May, God willing.

Red: Let the lady smoke!

Bartender: Not in here!

Jerry: I figured out what to do with my hands – I’ll see you later. [ exits bar ]

Red: Well, you’d betty hurry, before they make that illegal!

Hedda: That’s right..

Bartender: Look, guys, I don’t want to get fired!

Red: Let me tell you something – how much does the government hate us? What is the number? What is it costing us!

Bartender: It’s a $200 fine.

Red: Hey! Here you go! [ throws some money on the counter ] Right there! That’s eight dollars and twenty-five cents!

Hedda: Eight dollars and twenty-five cents..

Red: Whattaya say? Whattaya say?

Bartender: No! I can’t do it!

Hedda: Hey.. I’ll let you look under my dress.

Bartender: [ thinks it over, then finally ] Okay. Just let me lock the door.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

The Falconer

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
The Muskrateer…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Dean Edwards
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer V/O: [ over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.

[ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]

The Falconer: Oh, Donald. It has been an atypically uneventful period, here in our forest bower. Food is plentiful, and I am not trapped beneath a tree. Together, we’ve created a perfect harmony in nature.. and I can’t think of anything that could ruin it. [ suddenly, a muskrateer and his muskrat enter from the bush ] Hark! Who goes there!

The Muskrateer: I go here. And if you want to know my story..

Announcer V/O: [ over Muskarateer slide cards ] In 1993, Ted Abernathy was a marketing executive in Bethesda, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his life cpartner and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Muskrateer”.

The Muskrateer: Now that you know who we are.. who, in Heaven’s name, are you?

The Falconer: If you must know..

Announcer V/O: [ voice is sped up over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.

[ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]

The Muskrateer: Well, Falconer! What are you doing on our parcel of land?!

The Falconer: Your parcel of land?! Donald and I have been calling this land home for nigh on eleven years!

The Muskrateer: It appears that we are at an impasse!

The Falconer: And how shall it be resolved?!

The Muskrateer: In accordance with the laws of the forest! My muskrat against your falcon, in a contest of strength, guile and speed! winner takes all!

The Falconer: Be it so! ] to Donald ] Donald, don’t be afraid to take it to the limit.. one more time!

[ Donald squawks ]

The Muskrateer: [ to his muskrat ] Tear him apart, Galen! Feather by feather! [ Galen squeals ]

The Falconer: Let the gaaaaaammmmes begin!!

[ dissolve to the contests – starts with Galen and Donald in a sack race; Galen in a sugar sack, Donald in a flour sack ]

[ dissolve to Galen and Donald running across the forest with eggs balanced on spoons ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing table hockey ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen competing with electronic robots, Donald knocking Galen’s robot’s head off ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing Scrabble – Glane spells out “Muskrateer”, which Donald challenges with the official Scrabble dictionary ]

[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing quarters – Galen sips beers through a straw, then vomits profusely; Falcon squaks victoriously ]

[ dissolve to The Falconer and The Muskrateer surrounding their animal companions in the forest ]

The Muskrateer: Wellllllll.. Falconer! We find ourselves at an even draw, which brings us to our pre-determined tie-breaker!

The Falconer: So, it does, Muskrateer.. so it does! [ to Donald ] Donald.. remember your training!

[ Falcon and Muskrat have their finale over a game of Jenga; Falcon successfully moves his piece ]

The Falconer: Sweet Mariah!!

The Muskrateer: Galen.. whatever you do.. don’t visualize that tower collapsing!

[ Muskrat pulls his piece, but the tower topples; Falcon squawks victoriously ]

The Falconer: Victory is OURS!!

The Muskrateer: Falconer.. Donald.. it appears you have defeated us – this time.

The Falconer: Oh, Donald! Congratulations! We did it! [ Falcon squawks his disapproval ] Fine! You did it! Oh, Donald.. meanwhile, this little patch of heaven remains ours, for at least another day! And, until then.. you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..

Announcer V/O: The Falconer!

[ scene fades to black ]

[ scene pots up from black to reveal Ashton Kutcher tearing off his fake beard and exiting the Falconer sketch. Tracy Morgan approaches him ]

Tracy Morgan: Hey, hey, hey! Big Daddy!

Ashton Kutcher: Alright, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: Nice show so far, Ash-ton!

Ashton Kutcher: Oh, hey, man.. I’m sorry your sketch, “Big Black Guy” got cut out.

Tracy Morgan: Aw, don’t sweat it. I’ll do it next week – it’s perfect for Adrien Brody! Hey, man, I was flippin’ around, and I saw you on that show!

Ashton Kutcher: Oh, “The 70’s Show”!

Tracy Morgan: No, I don’t watch that crap! It’s that show where you play pranks on celebrities.

Ashton Kutcher: Ahhhh, you mean “Punk’d”?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, yeah! I saw the one with Pink!

Ashton Kutcher: Ohhh.. yeah, yeah! Where she thought her boyfriend got arrested for stealing a motorcycle?

Tracy Morgan: [ laughing outrageously ] Yeah, she was scared! That was hi-lar-ious!

Ashton Kutcher: Wicked! Awesome!

Tracy Morgan: Hey, listen.. I got an idea for you.

Ashton Kutcher: Cool, what it is?

Tracy Morgan: You ever “Punk” me, and I will beat your ass!

Ashton Kutcher: [ laughs nervously ] Look.. don’t worry, Tracy..

Tracy Morgan: No, I ain’t playin’! I will beat your ass!

Ashton Kutcher: [ getting more nervous ] Look, I promise you, Tracy.. I’m not gonna do that.. I respect you too much..

Tracy Morgan: Oh, really? So, why are all these cameras around here?

Ashton Kutcher: [ looks at the cameras, confused ] Well.. they-they’re for the show.. “Saturday Night Live”.. [ chuckles nervously ] Look, I swear to you I would never do that to you! I respect you way too much!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah.. so, who you gonna punk? Dean?

[ Dean Edward enters scene looking pissed at the mention of his name ]

Dean Edwards: Yo! Who gonna “Punk” me?!

Tracy Morgan: Ash-ton! He said he gonna “Punk”.. you.. out!

Dean Edwards: Say what?

Ashton Kutcher: No! I did not say that! Tracy, tell him I did not say that!

Tracy Morgan: Not only is he gonna “Punk” you out, he’s gonna film it!

Ashton Kutcher: [ exasperated ] I am not!!

Dean Edwards: Well, then, what’s with all these cameras, man!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! That’s what I said!

Ashton Kutcher: You guys..! Again.. they’re for the show! “Saturday Night.. Live..!” [ looks around desperately, as Lorne Michaels approaches ] Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: What’s wrong?

Tracy Morgan: He tryin’ to “Punk” us out on his hidden camera show!

Lorne Michaels: Bad idea, Ashton.

Ashton Kutcher: No! I am not trying to “Punk” him! Look.. this is all just a big misunderstanding.. They think that these cameras are from my show.. So.. just tell them..

Lorne Michaels: I’ve never seen these cameras before in my life.

Tracy Morgan: Oh, it’s on now, BITCH!!

Lorne Michaels: Ashton, I would run if I were you.

Ashton Kutcher: [ petrified ] Yes, sir..! [ runs like the wind ]

[ Tracy, Dean and Lorne all share a laugh over the way they “Punk’d” Ashton ]

Dean Edwards: [ to Tracy ] Yo! Did you how scared he was! [ laughs ]

Tracy Morgan: [ to Dean ] Sent his “Punk” ass back to the West Coast! [ laughs ]

Lorne Michaels: [ to Tracy and Dean ] We really fixed his wagon, huh, fellas! [ no response ] You don’t mess with the 2-1-2, huh? [ no response, hangs his head shamefully ] It’s an orange soda, right?

Tracy Morgan: [ nods ] Right.

Dean Edwards: Yo! Make that two, man!

Lorne Michaels: [ weakly ] Right.. [ walks away to perform his errand for his boys, then meekly re-approaches Dean ] When you say “two”, did you mean that you want two.. or is that one for Tracy.. and you want two for- [ Dean and Tracy give a dirty look, so Lorne retreats to take his chances ]

[ Tracy and Dean laugh and chat together as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts