SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder

Dan Aykroyd…..Sam Elliott
Tom Davis…..Announcer


[ Bales of hay adorn the foreground. Actor SAM ELLIOTT, dressed in denim & a black tee, ENTERS. ]

Sam Elliott: Hi! I’m actor Sam Elliott! You’ve seen me on television and in the movies, but most likely, you recognize my voice from numerous commercial advertisements. Ad surveys have shown that when consumers hear my voice — in association with a service or product — they’ll buy most anything. Heck, I could probably get you dive headfirst into a mail sack full of needles! Or suck iron filings off the floor of a machine shop, and wash them down with a quart of used motor oil. Or chew the lining off the bottom of a parrot cage.

Sometimes when I believe strongly in a product, I’ll actually go on-camera to tell you about it. That’s why I’m here — now — to talk about Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder.

[ Sam holds up a bottle of Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder. ]

Sam Elliott: As a rancher, I know how hot and humid weather can make riding, cutting weeds, and other chores prickly and uncomfortable in those hard-to-scratch seams and creases. Well, since 1879, Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder has eased the posterior crevice itch associated with farm labor, and brought lasting relief to millions of men living the Western lifestyle. It’s simple to apply.

[ Sam turns to his side and opens the bottle. He then bends over slightly and dumps a ton of powder down his backside. ]

Sam Elliott: Mm mm! Oh-hh-hh!!! That feels good!

[ Sam settles the bottle down. ]

Sam Elliott: And cool!!! That’s ‘cause it’s medicated — takes care of the chaffing and dries up things right away. It forms an easy-to-remove scented paste coil.

[ Sam pulls out a foot-long, braided white coil, which derived from the powder. He sniffs it, tosses it, then holds up the bottle. ]

Sam Elliott: Try Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder now, and get a free box of Dr. Deacon’s Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads.

[ Sam holds up a box of Dr. Deacon’s Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads. He removes out a teabag-sized absorber pad. ]

Sam Elliott: They’re in a handy travel pack and reusable!

[ Sam puts the absorber pad in his left breast pocket. ]

Sam Elliott: Ah! Now I’m itch-free! Time to go back to work…

[ Sam winks at the camera and grabs a pitchfork. ] [ TITLE CARD ]

Announcer: Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder & Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads: Available now everywhere.

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

Frida III

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Frida III

…..Salma Hayek

Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie “Chicago”. Her statements have been so outrageous and false, the producers of “Chicago” find it necessary to respond.

First of all: The movie “Chicago” does not support terrorism.

Second: Renee Zelwegger was born a woman, and has always been a woman.

Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a procticing rapist.

That said, we’d like to extend our-

[ Salma Hayek cuts into the commercial, standing in front of a close-up of Renee Zelwegger’s crotch ]

Salma Hayek: Don’t let her fool you! Loo very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can’t win Best Actress! She’s a dude! Don’t believe the lies! Vote for “Frida”!

Announcer: Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of “Vhicago”. That one part paid for by Salma Hayek, with some crumpled-up cash and a money order.

SNL Transcripts

The Four Stooges

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

The Four Stooges

Woody Harrelson…..Jimmy Fallon
Museum Curator…..Darrell Hammond
Moe…..Chris Parnell
Larry…..Chris Kattan
Curly…..Jeff Richards
Rib-Eye…..Bernie Mac

Announcer: We now return to The Three Stooges’ 75th anniversary, on NBC.

[ dissolve to Woody Harrelson in studio ]

Woody Harrelson: Hi. I’m Woody Harrelson. And that can only mean one thing – you guessed it.. a prime-time Three Stooges tribute. If you’re like me, you love The Three Stooges – mostly because you’re stoned all the time. Moe, Larry & Curly are The Three Stooges we know best; but, over the years, the Stooges went through a lot of line-up changes, with Shemp being only the first among many replacements for Curly. One of the most interesting, and little-known, chapters in the Stooges’ existence came during a brief period when the Three Stooges becoem a foursome, with the addition of a gifted physical comedian, dance hall piano player, and former cathouse bouncer named.. Rib-Eye Wilkins. This new line-up made its debut on the Columbia Studios two-reeler “Now Museum, Now You Don’t”.

[ Three Stooges music pots up, as we dissolve to the title card ] [ dissolve to black-and-white reel of the film short, set in a museum, as the Museum Curator looks about the area ]

Museum Curator: Ohhh.. pip and tosh! Where are those four dinosaur bone cleaners I requested? They were supposed to be here over an hour ago!

[ suddenly, the Four Stooges poke their heads out from behind a wall – Rib-Eye on top, then Curly, Moe and Larry in downward succession; the camera pans upward on them ]

Larry: Hellooooo!

Moe: Hellooooo!

Curly: Hellooooo!

Rib-Eye: Hello.

[ the Stooges fumble about trying to stand together in a line ]

Museum Curator: Gentlemen! Don’t you realize how late you are!

Moe: Hey, just take it easy there! Don’t get your Bunson burner in a bunch, spinach chin!

Museum Curator: Spinach chin..?? Why, I..

Moe: Listen! you just sohw us these bones of yours, and we’ll get ’em cleaned up in a jiffy!

Museum Curator: Well.. you had better! And please remember these bones are very valuable, and very fragile! So, please.. don’t let anything Stoogish occurrrr.

Moe & Larry: Hmmm…

Curly: Soitenly!

Rib-Eye: Alright.. I guess that we.. need to spread out, then.

Moe: Alright! You heard that professor, fellas! We need to get to work on this thing, you bunch of ignoramuses!

Curly: Who you callin’ an ignoramus, you ignoramus?

Moe: Why, I oughtta..

[ Moe begins to hit Curly with wild sound effects, Curly hits back, and eventually Moe smacks one to Larry just the same ]

Larry: Hey, what’dja hit me for? I didn’t do anything!

Moe: No! But you was about to!

Rib-Eye: [ breaking up the fight ] Hey, hey, hey, oh.. come on now, chowderhead.. we got a job to do. Let’s cut all the monkey business and get to work, chop-chop.

Moe: Chop-chop, eh? I’ll chop you, you wise guy! [ slaps Rib-Eye across the face, laughs ]

Rib-Eye: Aw, hell no! I know you just didn’t do that, man, I know you just didn’t do that!

Moe: But, I, uh..

Rib-Eye: Huh?

Moe: I mean..

Rib-Eye: Huh? Huh? What did you say to me? Huh? What did you say to me.. soup-bowl haircut?

Moe: Uh.. y-y-y-y-you heard me, you nincompoop! [ meekly ] Come on, man, this is a.. a bit. It’s supposed to be funny..

Rib-Eye: Ohhh, it’s funny now? Slappin’ a black man around on film, it’s funny, huh?

Moe: Oh, no! I..

Rib-Eye: I’ll show you funny! [ begins to beat the hell out of Moe ] Huh?! You think I’m funny?! Huh! Huh!

Larry: Hey, Rib-Eye.. it’s just a slap!

Rib-Eye: [ stops pounding on Moe ] Just a slap, right? I’m sick of Moe! I’m sick of you, too! [ claps Larry ] That’s just a slap? You slap women! You don’t slap women?!

Curly: Oh, God! Take it easy! You’re kickin’ his brains all over your foot, you crazy bastard! [ stops himself short ]

Rib-Eye: What’d you say to me?!

Curly: Oh, God! Whoo-whoo!

[ dissolve to end title card, over closing theme music ] [ dissolve back to Woody Harrelson, who opens his mouth allowing pot smoke to escape. He coughs ]

Woody Harrelson: After this.. one film, the four performers went their separate ways. Rib-Eye, back to the dance halls and juke joints he loved so well; and The Three Stooges, to 18 months of.. painful physical and speech therapy. Stick around. When we come back, we’ll lookat even more unpopular Three Stooges pornos. I’m gonna have to roll another one for that..

[ fade out, with Three Stooges theme music ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: The Falconer

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
Black Bear…..Dan Aykroyd
Parker…..John Goodman
Former Claw…..Horatio Sanz
Girlfriend…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer V/O: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”

[ open on The Falconer waist-deep in quickstand, with Donald perched on his still above-sand arm ]

Oh, Donald! At present time, I find myself waist-deep in quicksand! At my current rate of descent, I’ll be completely submerged by this time tomorrow! That’s the irony of quicksand – it’s anything but quick. Now, please! Find someone – anyone! – who can pull me from what will soon be my wet, sandy coffin! A man with a tractor! Or a team of oxes! [ Donald squawks ] Fine! Oxen! You know what I meant! Now, go!! [ Donald flies off ] The Grim Reaper knocks upon the door!!! DO NOT LET ME DIIIIIIEE!!

[ Donald flies off for another adventure, where he encounters three bikers ]

Parker: Hey, Black Bear! Look at this crazy hawk over here!

Black Bear: [ laughing ] That’s not some hawk, Parker! That’s a white-tailed peregrine falcon! Indigenous to the water regions of North America! Ha ha! [ to Donald ] Hey, pal! You wanna ride with us, or what?

Parker: I don’t think he’s got what it takes to ride with the Blacktop Vampires!

[ Donald squawks ]

Black Bear: Ha ha ha! I like this bird! He’s got pterodactyl nuts! Let’s make him a prospect! I’m gonna call you “The Claw”!

Former Claw: Hey, man.. I’m The Claw!

Black Bear: Not any more! Hey, Falcon! Claw! Come back to the Vampire’s Nest with us! Okay?

[ dissolve back to The Falconer, now sinking deeper into the quicksand ] [ dissolve back to the Falconer sinking deeper into to quicksand ]

The Falconer: Ohhhh, Donald.. my time is running out! Ohhh, how I rue the day I took down the “Beware of Quicksand” sign! In any event, I’m positive, right now, you are doing everything in your power to save me!

[ cut to Donald at the Vampire’s Nest, surrounded by a pair of hot gals ] [ at back table, Black Bear and his boys watch Donald with pleasure ]

Black Bear: This Donald guy – the new prospect? He’s a good prospect! I really like him, Parker! Looks like you were wrong about The Claw!

Parker: Yeah.. but it looks like The Claw is making out with your old lady right now!

[ show Black Bear’s girlfriend tonguing with the Falcon ]

Black Bear: [ steps forward, laughing ] Hey, hey, Claw! That’s my old lady! Ha! I-I-I-I got a thing with her. When I’m done with her, you can have her, okay? But, uh.. until then.. claws off! Comprende? [ laughs ] [ Donald raises his middle finger to Black Bear ]

Parker: [ horrified at Donald’s temerity ] Claw just flipped my man the bird!

Black Bear: [ angered beyond his capacity ] It’s onnnnn!! Hold him up!! Hold him up!!

[ the other bikers rally together to hold Donald still, as Black Bear punches him repeatedly ] [ Donald squawk, breaking free from the bikers’ grips; Donald’s series of attacks include smashing beer bottles over the heads of bikers, cracking their skulls with a pool cue, slicing Parker with a switchblade as his blood splatters the walls from below screen, and finally swopping down on Black Bear and ripping out his still-beating heart with his claw ]

Black Bear: [ with his last breath ] The.. proph-e-cy.. has come.. true.. [ keels over ] [ cut to Girlfriend driving the motorcylce, with Donald perched on the handlebars ]

Girlfriend: You’re my man now, Claw.

[ dissolve back again to the Falconer with only his head remaining above the quicksand ]

The Falcon: What I wouldn’t give to be two inches taller! [ rev of motorcycle motor is heard, as Donald returns carrying a snorkel ] Oh, Donald! You’ve returned! And you’ve brought with you a snorkel! Oh, the perfect means to survive.. while you find another way to save me! And until you do, you will be The Falcon! [ puts on the snorkel ] And I will remain..

Announcer: The Falconer!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

TV Funhouse

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

TV Funhouse

Announcer: Next on ABC cartoons, more highlights from tis week’s “Are You Hot?”

[ cut to the “Are You Hot” set, as Betty Boop stands onstage to be judged ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. I’m loving that garter thing. The sex appeal is outstanding. I have to take some points off for the face – the head’s a little large for the body, you’ve got a real.. Elephant Man thing going there. And you need a ch.n 4.9.

[ cut to Popeye the Sailor standing onstage, mumbling incoherently behind his pipe ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. you got a great face. I think the forearms are a little big, you might want to do fewer wrist curls and start thinking about biceps. I’m only gonna give you a 5 for sex appeal, because of the mumbling. The mumbling’s a little off-putting. Sorry.

Popeye: [ speaking up for himself ] I yam what I yam. And that’s all that I yam!

[ cut to Cinderella now standing onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Oh.. my.. Lord. I’d get up and congratulate you, but I’d spill my coffee. Cinderella.. awesome body! I am cooking a burrito in my pants right now. I am growing an ear of corn down there in the vegetable garden. I’m not turning into a pumpkin, baby – I’m a cucumber! Ah! I just spilled my milkshake.. will someobdy help me out here? Wardrobe? Sorry.

[ cut to Olive Oyl standing on stage, with barely a rag wrapped around the area where she should have breasts ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, seriously – eat a cheeseburger.

[ Strawberry Shortcake now stand onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: ..And the bloomers – the Raggedy Ann hair’s a little weird, the smile – I’m sorry, it’s creeping me out, but.. that straberry smell is very sexy. I’m gonna give you a 9 for sex appeal.

[ Droopy now stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Droopy, the attitude needs to improve. You need to come up here and owm the stage, bro. Okay? Yuo need the lids tucked, I think, and the jowls, too. Man, you need to Botox the s–t out of those!

[ Marvin the Martian stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Dude, you need to get out of the tanning bed. That is way too dark.

Marvin the Martian: You have made me very angry!

Lorenzo Lamas: Wow. Okay, I’m gonna have to give you a 4 for sex appeal, because of that ‘tude. Sorry.

[ Dagwood stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, dude. This morning, how long did you spend in front of the mirror with Paul Mitchell texturizing gel, trying to give yourself that perfect bedhead. Try running into a decent salon, instead of the mailman.

[ Optimus Prime of The Transformers stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. The cheekbones are a little much. Your look is kinda cold, a little too angular.. [ Optimus Prime begins to transform into a semi ] What? No.. that’s not helping. Sorry.

[ Yosemite Sam stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, Sam. You came out here with confidence, and that was good. But, right away I’ve gotta take points off ’cause you’re three feet tall. Let me see the ass. [ Yosemite Sam turns around ] Okay, the body’s a 4.. you have a nice chest, but.. more points off for the tiny feet. Now, the face, the moustache, that’s you – I love it. But the eyebrows are a big problem. You need to put down the gun and buy a pair of tweezers.

[ Barney Rubble stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Whoa. Where do we start, bro? Haircut.. nose job.. trunk legs.. what is that, a man-dress? Can we take that off, and get the whole picture, dude? [ Barney disrobes, revealing a huge bulge in his pants ] Whoa. Okay. Alright. Respect. Now, at least I understand why you have a hot wife.

Barney Rubble: [ offended ] Hey!

[ Bam-Bam grabs Lamas by the feet and smacks him back and forth across the floor ]

Bam-Bam: Bam! Bam! Bam bam bam!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Bernie Mac: 04/05/03: Don Banks Kings of “Comedy” Suits

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 16

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Don Banks Kings of “Comedy” Suits

Don Banks…Bernie Mac
Rushion Brown….Dean Edwards
Wigger….Will Forte

[Opens with Don Bank’s clothing store. Don is a big black man wearing a colorful suit and hat.]

Don Banks: Hey, how you doing? I’m Don Banks. Are you a black comic in search of a perfect suit? Then come see Don Banks The King of “Comedy” Suits. Are you looking for a double-breasted pinstripe sleeveless size 54? [photo of Cedric the Entertainer wearing it] Cause I got one. How about a classic Eddie Murphy leather 20-zipper ensemble? I got it in “Delirious” red[photo of Murphy’s red 20 zipper jacket] and I got it in “Raw” purple.[photo of Murphy wearing the ridiculous jacket]. I got Simbad’s genie pants.[holds up the pants] I got ’em 3 for $20. I got Martin Lawrence’s undershorts. [photo of Martin Lawrence running in his undies down the street] For when you go crazy. I got Bill Cosby imitation sweaters. They usually cost up to $500 but if you like polyester I can get it for you for $28. Let me tell you something, are you the next King of Comedy? Well, dress like one dammit! I got something from the Steve Harvey collection. We got Steve Harvey mustard colored suits. [photos of Steve Harvey’s nauseating yellow suits] Fresh yellow mustard, Dijon mustard, Honey mustard, Grey poupon mustard. Don Banks offers the largest collection of eggplant and mustard color this side of St.Louis. So if you want your suits, if you got em in buttons. I got 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 buttons. I got the suit jackets that come all the way down to your knees. So let the people know, I got TV money. I can afford enough fabric for a long-ass coat. Don’t take my word. This is one of the biggest names in the business!

[Black guy in wild red suit] [Rushion Brown. Talent Booker for BET’s “Comic View”]

Rushion Brown: Oh, man! Before I let comics on my show I send them to Don Banks! He dresses all the comedy kings! Ricky Smiley [photo of Ricky in loud get up] Bruce Bruce [Bruce in complicated suit] Don D.C. Curry [Don in leather suit] Shucky Ducky![photo of Shucky horrendous suit]

Rushion and Don: Quack! Quack!

Rushion Brown: Kat ‘N Da’ Hat[Kat in ridiculous suit and hat] Kool Bubba Ice![photo of Kool in stupid ass suit] Don Banks is the most trusted name in afro-comedic apparel. We love you Don! [shakes hands with Don]

Don Banks: Tell you right, baby. Don Banks King of the “Comedy” Suits. If you want to be a black stand-up or just dress like one.

[white guy in sleeveless jacket and white Kangol]

Wigger: I just want to dress like one. Thanks Don Banks!

Don Banks: Be down or be dead.

Announcer: Don Banks Kings of “Comedy” Suits. 1321 Walnut Street, Philadelphia. The first King of Comedy is property of Broadway Video and used without permission.

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Madonna: An American Life

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Madonna: An American Life

Matt Lauer…..Seth Meyers
Madonna…..Amy Poehler
Voice…..Ashton Kutcher

Announcer: Tonight: a “Dateline” special. Madonna: An American Life. Here’s Matt Lauer.

[ dissolve to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Good evening. I’m Matt Lauer, and.. no.. Katie is not here. She’s not coming. I can host things by myself. So, please.. give me a break.

Madonna. Two decades later, and she is still as fearless as ever. We sat down with the boy toy turned yummy mommy to see how her life.. has changed.

[ dissolve to Matt at sit-down interview with Madonna in another studio ]

Matt Lauer: You look wonderful. You seem great.

Madonna: I am great. I have a wonderful family. and I’ve never been happier.

Matt Lauer: Madonna, you’ve been famous for so long. You’re 44 years old now. How does it feel to be so old?

Madonna: Sometimes bad.. sometimes sad. Always old.

Matt Lauer: What is a day with the old Madonna like? What is her typical schedule?

Madonna: My day is like everyone else’s. Two hours of yoga.. an hour of intense Kabalah study.. followed by underwater pilates.. tea and scones.. a three-hour argument with Guy Ritchie in the street.. my children’s pilates.. and.. I usually end the day by having a three-way with Sting and Trudy Styles.

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. The old broad seemed as feisty as ever. And I was doing pretty well without Katie. I spoke to Madonna about her career choices. And here’s what the 50-year old pop icon had to say.

[ dissolve back to Matt at the sit-down interview with Madonna in another studio ]

Matt Lauer: You’re 58 years old. Anything you regret in your life?

Madonna: I don’t like to use the word “regret”. I feel that one can never regret their art. They can only desperately wish that they had not.. shaved their art.. taken pictures of their art.. and put their art in a book.

Matt Lauer: So, you have no regrets?

Madonna: No.

Matt Lauer: You don’t regret “Dick Tracy”?

Madonna: Nope.

Matt Lauer: “Shanghai Surprise”?

Madonna: Never saw it.

Matt Lauer: Dennis Rodman.

Madonna: He led the league in rebounding.

Matt Lauer: You’re telling me you don’t regret.. “Swept Away”?

Madonna: [ sighs ] “Swept Away” was the kind of movie that was.. not supposed to be good.. and, if people can’t understand that.. well, then, I just don’t know..! [ laughs ] [ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. The 62-year old who never stops re-inventing herself. She took a moment to show me.. how she’s learning to play the guitar.

[ dissolve to Madonna holding steady to an acoustic guitar ]

Madonna: [ strumming her guitar off-key ] It’s really important to get out of your “comfort zone”. I’ve made a lot of progress.

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. 70 years young. Despite her decision to pull her controversial video, “American Life”, the album debuted at #1. When she performed her in-store concert.. “Dateline”.. was there.

[ dissolve back to Madonna performing her in-store concert at Tower Records ]

Madonna: [ plucking guitar ] “American Life!” [ customers applaud politely ] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for coming out to Tower Records, do you have any requests?

Voice: “Like A Virgin”!

Madonna: [ surprised ] Oh.. I don’t know.. I haven’t sung that one in a while! Is that still a song any more? [ laughs, as two-man band plays behind her ] I’ll try it.. [ singing ] “Like a vi-i-i-irgi-i-i-innn.. touched for the very first-” [ changes pitches of her voice ] Gotta find my key.. [ samples different pitches until she’s back on track ] Like a.. like a.. like a.. like a-” There it is! “Like a vir-r-r-r..” That’s not it.. [ begins singing with a deep voice, then stops ] You guys suck!

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: There you have it. Madonna. Sexy. Fearless. 80 years old, with a vagina closing in on a hundred. I’m Matt Lauer, and.. yes.. I’m going to keep my hair like this for a while. And, no.. I don’t know when it’s going to grow back. And, yes.. my wife likes it. And, no.. Katie is not as nice in person. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: TV Funhouse

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

TV Funhouse

“Ben loves Jen, he wants us all to knoew
So he bought lots of items that glitter and glow.
Doesn’t hurt to impress a girl
Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”

[ show title card ] [ dissolve to Ben and Jennifer sitting on the couch, as Ben gives Jennifer a rare gem ]

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, my God! It’s beautiful!

Ben Affleck: It’s not just any 84-karat emerald – Queen Elizxabeth swallowed it, and it passed through her body.

Jennifer Lopez: [ excited ] Oh, my God! She does that?

Ben Affleck: I had her do it for you. I love you-

Jennifer Lopez: [ opens her next present ] And what’s this?

Ben Affleck: It’s a meteorite from Mars. They were gonna study it, but I paid them to carve it to look like your mother.

Jennifer Lopez: Ohhhh, that’s so sweet!

Ben Affleck: One more. [ indicates a moving package ]

Jennifer Lopez: It’s all alive and split..

Ben Affleck: Save the wrapping – it’s Venison Carpaccio.

Jennifer Lopez: [ opens the gift, a grotesque-looking dog with the head of Robert Duvall ] Oh, my Gooood! I love you so- Oh! Snap!

Ben Affleck: It’s the msot expensive dog in the world!

Jennifer Lopez: What’s with his head?

Ben Affleck: It’s a Demmoguette. It’s an incredibly rare breed – their heads look like Robert Duvall.

Jennifer Lopez: That’s it?

Ben Affleck: [ petrified with fear ] Jen? Honey? You don’t like it?

Jennifer Lopez: I do! It’s just kinda weird and Duvallian and split!

Ben Affleck: But.. it.. cost so much..

Jennifer Lopez: I know! I love you for that! But, baby.. how can we be married and buy things, if we can’t be honest about the things we buy?

Ben Affleck: [ feeling dejected ] Yeah..

Jennifer Lopez: I mean, it’s weird.. it’s not a dog, you know? Maybe if it said something – like “I like napalm” and split!

Ben Affleck: [ perking up ] Yea-ah..!

Jennifer Lopez: It’s okay, baby..

Ben Affleck: No! I love you. And I’m gonna make this right!

[ cut to Ben and Jennifer meeting privately with a professional dog trainer ]

Dog Trainer: Yes, well, there are no bad dogs.. only bad people

Ben Affleck: Yeah, right. Here’s what I want you to do..

Dog Trainer: First, we must undo all-

Ben Affleck: No, no, no, no! I just want you to get him to talk like Robert Duvall!

Dog Trainer: Well, he’s a Demoguette.. he’s got a resemblance to him-

Ben Affleck: No! Talk! He has to say “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!”

Dog Trainer: Well, I’m afraid that’s impossible.

Ben Affleck: Wait! You’re the world’s best trainer! I’m paying you, what – $1,000 a minute! You can’t do this?!

Jennifer Lopez: Ben, it’s no big deal..

Ben Affleck: YES, it IS!!

Dog Trainer: But only humans have vocal-

Ben Affleck: Look! The Napalm line, or Sonny from “The Godfather”, or- No! Screw it! The Napalm line! [ storms out angrily, slamming the door shut behind him ] [ the months and years pass by as the Dog Trainer attempts to teach Cokie to talk like Robert Duvall, studying the scene from “Apocalypse Now” with varied results. Fast-forward to 2012: an aging Ben and Jennifer walk into a plastic surgery clinic, and come out looking like 2003; they return to the Dog Trainer who finally has results on the project. ]

Dog Trainer: I think you’ll be pleased.

Ben Affleck: [ excited ] Wow!

Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!

Dog Trainer: You see? I shaped his box, symbol by symbol

Jennifer Lopez: That’s not Duvall, though.

Ben Affleck: Yeah! It sounds like James Woods!

Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!

Ben Affleck: That’s James WOODS!! What’s wrong with you?!

Dog Trainer: Well, the animal’s voice has a certain timber-

Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Get OUT of here!! I did three “Daredevil” sequels to pay for a JAMES WOODS?!!

Jennifer Lopez: A Duvall face talkin’ all like James Woods and split? That’s weird!

Ben Affleck: You don’t deserve this, Jen.. you are my treasure!

[ dissolve to Ben in a private meeting with Robert Duvall ]

Robert Duvall: You wanna buy me?

Ben Affleck: $40 million.

Robert Duvall: To own me? And I have to wear this dog costume?

Ben Affleck: Not the head, just the body. And you just have to say “I love Napalm” all the time, and live with J-Lo.

Robert Duvall: I have a life, man.

Ben Affleck: Look.. I have so much respect for your work. But you can’t make this kind of money acting. This is $40 million. And you just have to be J-Lo’s dog.

Robert Duvall: [ thinking it over ] Can I sniff her ass?

[ without hesitation, Ben pounces Duvall and begins to beat crap out of him ]

Ben Affleck: You son of a BITCH!! That is SICK!! You are a SICK OLD (bleep)-

Jennifer Lopez: Ben! It’s okay!

Ben Affleck: NO!! Not for my JEN!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts