Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 20
La Cuisina Canina
King’s Date…..Maya Rudolph
Big Dog…..John Goodman
Male Dog…..Seth Meyers
[ open on exterior, La Cusina Canina ] [ dissolve to interior, elegant restaurant decorated with the canine taste in mind; the patrons and staff are dressed as dogs ]
Maitre’D: Good evening. Welcome to La Cusina Canina, New York’s premier doggie restaurant. Do you have a reservation?
Skippy: Uh, yes.. Daisy & Skippy, for eight o’clock.
Maitre’D: Ah, yes! I’m afraid that your table will not be ready for a few minutes. Would you care to sit at the bar?
Daisy: Hmm.. alright, I guess we’re a little early!
Maitre’D: Fluffy! A complimentary water!
Bartender: Right away, Monsieur Butch!
Daisy: [ spins three times before taking her seat at the bar ] This is a nice place!
Bartender: [ places glass on the bar ] There you are. One ice-cold toilet bowl water.[ the three of them begin to lap up the toilet bowl water from the glass ] [ cut to table at the other end of the restaurant ]
Waiter: Good evening. I’m your waiter – Tippy. Are you ready to order?
King: I am. But the bitches don’t know what they want.
King’s Date: Well, it’s just that everything looks so good! You go ahead and order first, King!
King: Alright. How is this appetizer? This, uh.. this Lawn Grass with Deer Pellets?
Maitre’D: Oh! I recomend it! The pellets are fresh and chewy! And Chef Otis personally urinates on all of the grass he serves!
King: Okay, that’s great. Okay, I’m gonna start with that, and then I’m gonna have the Tire-Stripped Possum with Blowflies.
Waiter: Excellent choice. And, Madam?
King’s Date: Yeah, gee.. uh.. uh.. I’m trying to lose some weight.. so, I-I’ll just have two cups of Science Diet..
King: Oh, come on, honey! It’s the best restaurant in the city. You oughtta try something.
King’s Date: Honey, I’m saving room for the coffee grinds with shrimp and eggshells for dessert.
Waiter: And, Miss Yorkie?
Yorkie: What’s in the Cat Vomit?
Waiter: Ohh.. it’s a partially-digested vole with dustmite-laden hairball – it’s very popular.
Maitre’D: And a Fancy Feast Tuna-Base, in its own aspic glaze.
Yorkie: Mmmm..! I’ll have that!
Maitre’D: And what can I get for you, Monsieur Buddy?
Buddy: Yes, uh.. how’s the Rotting Fish?
Waiter: Hmm.. here – smell. [ extends his arms ] I rolled in it this morning.[ everyone at the table sniffs the Waiter ferociously ]
Buddy: [ excited ] Yes, yes! That’s the real thing, all right! Bring me of two of those!
Waiter: Very good. [ retreats from table ] [ at the front of the restaurant, the popular Big Dog enters ]
Maitre’D: Ah. Bonsoir, Big Dog! Always a pleasure to see you! Your regular table is waiting!
Big Dog: Goooooood! Good! [ sits at his table ]
Maitre’D: And what will be your pleasure tonight?
Big Dog: Buuuuuutch! I think I’ll start off with an aperitif!
Maitre’D: Pepe! Big Dog will have his usual!
Big Dog: Any specials you want to tell me about?
Maitre’D: Oh! Yes. We have a sumptious Melon-Rind Compost.. with Cockworm-Flaked Bacon Grease.. served on an Old Sneaker and a half-side of Tennis Ball. I had it myself, I’m sure you will enjoy it.
Big Dog: Okay, Butch! On your advise!
Maitre’D: And to start! A basket.. of.. waterlogged sticks from a creek upstate!
Big Dog: [ sniffing his plate ] Thank you![ a male-female dog couple enters, and Big Dog is attracted to the scent of the bitch ]
Big Dog: Ahhhh.. [ raises his leg and begins to hump the bitch’s backside ]
Male Dog: Excuse me! But the lady came with me![ the two dogs began to growl and bark at one another, starting an upset throughout the restaurant as the dogs join the chorus; Big Dog quickly retreats back to his table, and the barking ceases ]
Bartender: And your Bitch’s Piss Martini.
Big Dog: Thank you. May I have an olive with that?[ Bartender tosses the olvie directly into Big Dog’s mouth ]
Maitre’D: En-joyyyy. [ as the other patrons’ bowls of food are distributed ] Bon appetit, everyone![ to pass the time while still waiting for their table, Skippy and Daisy proceed to chase each other in a circle, sniffing at each other’s butt ]
Maitre’D: I’m sorry! Excuse me, please! But because of the new butt-sniffing ban, I’ll have to ask you to do that outside!
Skippy: You can’t sniff a butt in a bar any more?! God, this is absurd!
Daisy: Ridiciulous![ they exit outside, as the scene closes ]