Category: 2002

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Versace Oscar Special

Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Adrianna…..Salma Hayek
Joel Royce…..Amy Poehler
Ricardo Ferost…..Fred Armisen
Michael Jackson…..Dean Edwards
…..Christina Aguilera

Announcer: Versace…extravagance…decadence…Donatella Versace

(SUPER: Versace Oscar Fashion Preview. Cut into a scene of four half naked studs carrying in Versace on a stretcher)

Donatella Versace: Ah…hello everybody. It’s my Oscar Fashion Preview coming to you live from my boutique over Roseo Drive.

Adrianna: Hello Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Who the hell are you?!

Adrianna: Like I’ve told you the other fifty times we’ve met, I’m Adrianna, the head of operations for all of your stores in California.

Donatella Versace: Well, right now you’re the head of getting me some more champagne!

Adrianna: Boys! (She claps her hands and the guys light Versace a cigarette and fill her glass)

Donatella Versace: Mmm…thank you. Now tell me again why I am her today?

Adrianna: Donatella, it’s time to pick the Oscar dresses for the actresses.

Donatella Versace: AAAHH!! Actresses!! Gross!!! (She tries to run away, but is grabbed by the nimble Adrianna) Let go bitch!

Adrianna: No, no, no, no, no, you have to work, we have work to do. (Continues to restrain Versace)

Donatella Versace: I’m not going to bitch, I’m serious!

Adrianna: Bitch, I’m more serious! (She gives Versace a huge slap)

Donatella Versace: (she recoils then faces back the audience, smiling) That was fantastic. Now tell me which ones are coming in, WHICH ONES!!!

(Adrianna grabs a notebook, opens it, and begins to read)

Adrianna: We have…Meryl Streep.

Donatella Versace: Pantsuit.

Adrianna: Salma Hayek.

Donatella Versace: Sweater dress, off-the-shoulder, with “Donatella” written on the ass in sequins.

Adrianna: Nicole Kidman

Donatella Versace: Strapless leather micro-mini with peek-a-boo cutouts.

Adrianna: Kathy Bates

Donatella Versace: Douve cover! From the Versace home collection.

Adrianna: Sharon Stone

Versace: Straitjacket and tights.

(A guy and girl enter the boutique wearing secret-service-like headphones over their ears)

Joel: Hello, hi, we’re here to pick up a dress for Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Ricardo: Yeah, CZJ needs a gown.

Joel: (speaking into her headphone) Yeah, what? Catherine?

Ricardo: (also speaking into headphone) Perfect.

Joel: Zeta-Jones?

Ricardo: Sounds excellent

Joel: You got it.

Ricardo: That’s funny.

Joel: ZJ, that’s great.

Ricardo: Sure.

Joel: Certainly

Ricardo: Great idea.

Joel: Okay.

Ricardo: Brilliant.

(they stop speaking into the headphones)

Joel: Hi, I’m Joel Royce and this is, um…

Ricardo: Hey, I’m Ricardo Ferost for Catherine Zeta-Jones’ people.

Donatella Versace: Great. You bitches put your heads together, eh?

Together: (obeying) Okay…

Donatella Versace: Now take tiny, baby steps towards me.

Together: (coming forward) Alright…

Donatella Versace: Little closer, a little closer. (Her head is millimeters away from theirs, she begins whispering) You tell that bitch that I need to see her pregnant Zeta-ass in person, but also tell that mofo that I love her so much, and when she comes back if she could just bring me a hotdog? Please? Just a small one with a little relish…(directly into their ears) NOW GET OUT!!!

(They quickly retreat outside the boutique, just as Michael Jackson comes in)

Adrianna: Donatella, I don’t mean to alarm you, but Michael Jackson’s at the door.

Donatella Versace: Who??

Adrianna: Michael Jackson!

Donatella Versace: Oh no, that crazy bitch. What should we do? Hide?

Adrianna: No, that doesn’t work with him. Let’s pretend we’re mannequins!

Donatella Versace: Okay.

(They both position themselves into stylish model poses, Versace still with her cigarette and champagne bottle)

Michael Jackson: Hello? Yoo-hoo! YOO-HOO!! YOO-HOO!!! I wanna buy some stuff…(fingering Adrianna’s hair) I wanna buy these two mannequins! Yoo-hoo!

Donatella Versace: (not moving from position) They’re not for sale!

Michael Jackson: Okay…bye mannequins! Halloo! Bye…HALLOO mannequins!! Bye mannequins…HOO-HOO!!!

(They break their poses)

Adrianna: Okay, he’s gone.

Versace: Thank God.

Adriann: Thank God.

Donatella Versace: So what do we do now, fold sweaters?

Adrianna: No, we actually have to keep going over the dresses for the Oscars.

Donatella Versace: Alright.

(Christina Aguilera enters)

Christina Aguilera: Donatella! (singing) You are beautiful…

Donatella Versace: Christina! (drunkenly singing) You are beautiful…oh my God, I’m loving you! It’s the beautiful new face of Versace, Christina Aguilera! You are my baby, ah? Yes, I want to hold you in my arms and pat you on your little back like a tiny baby. Then I can burp you, and put a little powder on your bottom…

Adrianna: (separating them) Don’t be a weirdo, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Okay

Adrianna: Hi, Christina darling, what can we do for you?

Christina Aguilera: I’m actually going to an Oscar party, and I need something glamorous to wear.

Donatella Versace: Oh, anything for you, here you go. (She rips off her dress, revealing a white bra and what appears to be a puffy blue diaper, and gives it to Christina)

Christina Aguilera: Donatella, you dirty bitch! This is beautiful!

Donatella Versace: (waving her off) Ah…you’re the beautiful bitch!

Adrianna: You’re both beautiful bitches! (she drapes her arms over both)

Donatella Versace: Ah…we are all beautiful bitches, ah? Now let’s go to my private and jet and go to that fancy McDonald’s in Monte Carlo.

(They exit and the half-naked guys start dancing again while the SUPER: VERSACE’S OSCAR FASHION PREVIEW reappears)

Thanks to Minhquan Nguyen for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 5th, 2003

Bernie Mac

Good Charlotte

None

A Message From The President Of The United States

President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) addresses the situation in Iraq.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Bernie Mac’s Monologue

Mac jokes about looking out for suspicious behavior.

Boston Teens

At ballgame, Sully (Jimmy Fallon) & Denise (Rachel Dratch) try to sneak beer.

Recurring Characters: Pat Sullivan, Denise Mc, Frank.

Brain Busters

White contestants (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz) don’t know Black Trivia.

Hot Sauce Carry Case

Black partygoers (Maya Rudolph, Mac) can’t enjoy burgers without hot sauce.

The Pianist

Black guys (Mac, Tracy Morgan) talk while watching “The Pianist”.

Good Charlotte performs “Anthem”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Embedded newscaster Gene Shalit (Horatio Sanz) makes bad puns in Iraq.

Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) gabs about her spring Break trip.

U.S. Amen (Will Forte, Chris Parnell) sing of boycott choices.

Recurring Characters: Gene Shalit.

The Four Stooges

Slapping Rib-Eye (Mac) induces higher form of violence for the trio.

No Smoking

Smokers (Mac, Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon) can’t keep occupied indoors.

Second Time Around

Glenda Goodwin’s (Maya Rudolph) ex-husband (Mac) signs papers.

Recurring Characters: Glenda Goodwin, Renada Wang.

Swiffer Sleepers

(Rerun) See: 10/12/02.

Saddam’s Bunker

Saddam Hussein’s (Horatio Sanz) guards try to trick him into defeat.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.

Good Charlotte performs “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”

Don Banks’ King of “Comedy” Suits

Don Banks (Mac) dresses you in style to do stand-up.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 16

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Brain Busters

Lawrence….Bernie Mac
Steve Thinson….Jimmy Fallon
Greg Ferguson…Horatio Sanz

[Opens with a wacky Game Show Network logo]

Announcer: We now return to Brain Busters on the Game Show Network.

[Brain Busters logo]

[Lawrence, the host, is an elegant black man in a suit. Two geeky white contestants]

Lawrence: And welcome back to Brain Busters where our returning champion Steve Thinson is now leading our challenger Greg Ferguson by 200 points. Steve, you’re in charge of the board.

Steve: I’ll take astronomy for a $1,000.

Lawrence: Are you sure? There’s a whole bunch of other categories up there on the board.

Steve: I’m gonna stick with astronomy, Lawrence.

Lawrence: Ok. You sure? Ok, all right. Astronomy for $1,000. Danish astronomer Tyke Brahe was not raised by his parents but by his uncle who lived…..[beep] Steve?

Steve: His uncle Yorgin.

Lawrence: That’s correct.

Greg: Well, you know, it wasn’t gonna be Yolas.

[the nerds Steve and Greg crack up at their inside joke]

Steve: Ha, ha, that’s good, that’s good.

Lawrence: Wow, its an unbelievable game here. You know, my judges just informed me that this is the first time that our contestants have won and have answered every question correctly. Well Steve, we only have one category left. So, you can choose a question.

[The only category left on the board is BLACK HISTORY]

Steve: I got to be honest. It’s not my area of expertise. I think I’m gonna pass.

Lawrence: What do you mean you’re gonna pass, Steve? You’re on fire.

Steve: I’m more of a math/science type of guy. Greg, you’re up.

Greg: I don’t wanna.

Lawrence: [mildly offended] Hey, hey, hey. Come on now.

Greg: I just…I know I’m going to get it wrong and I don’t want you getting the wrong idea. I don’t want you thinking I’m some kind of, you know, cause I’m not.

Lawrence: Steve, Steve. I want you to pick a category.

Steve: All right. Here it goes. I’ll take Black History for $200.

Lawrence: All right. Ok. Black History for $200. In 1955 this woman refused to give up her seat setting off the Montgomery Alabama bus boycott. Anyone? Steven?

Steve: I- I don’t know. I really don’t want to guess.

Lawrence: Come on now.

Steve: I don’t think so. Not good, not good.

Lawrence: Just guess, fool!

Steve: Fine. Tina Turner. [Lawrence is really offended] I knew it was wrong. I knew that was wrong. I don’t know why—

Lawrence: Greg, famous African-American woman.

Greg: Tootie?

Lawrence: [angry] Tootie! What?! Why you messing with my people?! We know y’all history! Why you messing with my people?! Are you joking?

Greg: [scared] Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. Joking. I guess its over. Hey, nice playing with you. [shakes hands with Steven]

Steve: Take care, buddy.

Lawrence: Hey, hey, hey, hey!!! Get back! Get back! The game is not over! Now, let’s go back to Black History for $400. This African American scientist created peanut butter. Greg?

Greg: Mr. Peanut?

Lawrence: [angry, offended] Mr. Peanut?! Come on man! Steve, you better…you know this! Come on!

Steve: I- I- no.

Lawrence: Ok, ok. [calms himself] I give you a hint, ok? He has three names.

Steve: Phillip Michael Thomas? [Lawrence is furious] Is not what I was going to say. What I was going to say was…Michael Jamal Warner? Bobby McFerrin? I- I don’t–I-I’m sorry.

Lawrence: [offended] Bobby McFerrin?!

Steve: You said three names. You said that.

Lawrence: [speechless] W-w-w-w-what is wrong with you people? We know your people! There’s only 3 black people you need to know. Martin Luther King, Jesse Jackson and Rosa Parks. That’s all you need to know. Aaahh, let’s go back to Black History for $600. Here’s the question. He became the first African American baseball player when he played for the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1947.

Steve: I’m not really a sports guy.

Lawrence: Steve, you answered the whole doggone section of Brooklyn Dodgers!

[Brooklyn Dodgers section is empty]

Lawrence: Now, I know you know this question.

Steve: Pass?

Lawrence: YOU CAN’T PASS! Now, come on! ANSWER IT!

Steve: I really don’t know.

Lawrence: YOU DO KNOW IT!

Steve: I don’t think…

Lawrence: ANSWER IT!!

Steve: I’m a little nervous now, you don’t want to hear what I’m thinking…doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to say.

Lawrence: [fuming] Steve, answer the damn question.

Steve: Lamont from “Samford and Son”?

Lawrence: [going crazy] Come on! My dear God! I can’t believe this, man! What’s going on?! What’s happening to America?!

Greg: [buzzing in] “Dwayne, Rog and Rerun!” “What’s Happening”?

Steve: That’s right! That’s right! “What’s Happening?!”

[Steve and Greg dance like idiots]

Lawrence: [angry as hell] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [calming himself] Ok, forget about it. We’re going to move to the final round. General knowledge. This was Winnie the Pooh’s feline friend.

Steve: [buzzing in] I know this one. The answer is…

[Screen goes to PLEASE STAND BY]

[Show returns. Lawrence has Steve gripped violently by the shirt collar]

Steve: I meant to say “TIGGER”! With a “T”!

Lawrence: [violent] What did you say?! Uh?! What did you say?!

Steve: Freudian slip! It was a Freudian slip!

[Brain Busters logo]

Announcer: This has been the last episode of Brain Busters ever! We’ve been canceled!

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

A Message From The President Of The United States

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: The following is a message from the President of the United States.

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight I would like to address you directly, to report our progress in the campaign to free the people of Iraq. At the beginning of this conflict, when we faced stiff resistance from the Iraqi army, some in the press said that we had underestimated our enemy. But the truth is, our chief concern was to minimize the loss of innocent life. I wish there were a button I could push.. that would only destroy the bad people. But General Tommy Franks has repeatedly told me no such button exists. And you know what? I believe him.

Nonetheless, As you have heard by now, we have taken Baghdad’s main airport and the surrounding area, which means coalition forces now control all of Iraq’s duty-free shops and car rental services. In addition, we have captured no fewer than five Saddam Hussein lookalikes.. as well as two divisions of the Republican Guard – also lookalikes.

It must be acknowledged, mistakes were made during our Shock And Awe campaign – the main one being, calling it the Shock and Awe campaign. I objected to that title, but I was outvoted. I wanted to call it Tango & Cash. But there was legal problems.

Finally, whenever there is war, there will be those who perpetrate acts of unspeakable evil. In this conflict, it’s Geraldo Rivera. Now, I always felt that people picked on him unfairly, but.. truthfully, he is a bonehead! Going on TV and giving away our troops’ positions? Good going, Einstein!

Well, there you have it. To sum up our situation in Iraq: so far, so good. In closing, I hope this address has put your mind at ease, as to our progress in liberating the people of Iraq. I wish there were more information I could give you, but, in the interest of national security, that’s all they’ve told me. As I leave you, I ask that you remember in your prayers the men and women of our armed forces and their families. God bless America. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Goodnights

…..Bernie Mac

Bernie Mac: Thanks to Good Charlotte. Thank you Saturday Night Live, and all of you and the troops, for making it possible. Rhonda! Tanice! I love you!

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Hot Sauce Carry Purse

Husband…..Will Forte
Wife…..Amy Poehler
Debbie…..Maya Rudolph
Reggie…..Bernie Mac

[ open on group of couples together for a barbecue, party music pumpin’ the joint ]

Husband: [ enters living room from the outdoor grill ] Honey? They’re ready!

Wife: Alright! Who wants a burger?

Debbie: Mmm! I do!

Reggie: Oh, me too..

Debbie: You have no idea how much Reggie loves his burgers!

Reggie: You just set me up, and clear the way! Where your hot sauce?

Wife: Oh.. hot sauce? Gosh, I don’t know.. I think we have some salsa in the refridgerator..

[ music comes to an abrupt halt ]

Reggie: You ain’t got no hot sauce?! Debbie, baby, you hear that?! They ain’t got no hot sauce! I told you we should have called before we come here! Come on – dammit!!

Debbie: But, baby..

Reggie: Come on, let’s go!

Debbie: But, baby..

Reggie: Come on, woman, get in the car, we got to go!

Debbie: Don’t worry, baby.. I got it all under control. With my new hot sauce carry purse – by Tabasco. [ opens her purse to reveal the various hot sauce accessories neatly organized ] Each compartment is insulted and calibrated to keep your sauces organized and fresh. It ently carries them from wherever you are, to wherever you need to go.

Reggie: That’s right, baby. Like pool parties, the office, movie theaters, funerals and shopping, and any party thrown by white people!

Wife: I’m so glad you guys brought your thingamajig!

Debbie: You mean my hot sauce carry purse?

Reggie: By Tabasco.

Wife: Yeah.. that.

Reggie: And for you dudes who don’t want to be caught dead carrying a purse, there’s a hot sauce carrying purse for men. Oh, it’s still a purse – but it’s for dudes. And it has hot sauce in it, so, baby, be cool.

Jingle:
Heat up your love
Heat up your life.
Heat up your burgers and fries
Hot sauce carrying purse!”

Debbie: Hot sauce carry purse. By Tabasco. Available at Wilson’s Leather.

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Bernie Mac’s Monologue

…..Bernie Mac

Bernie Mac: Hello! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey hey, welcome, everybody! And I hope everybody here to have a good time, because I am here to have a blast! You know? Bewcause the whole country’s tense! It’s a tense time. Everybody in the country’s on high alert. They nervous and edgy, you know? They say look out for suspicious behavior. I need to know what the hell is suspicious behavior! You know? I keep on eye on every damn body! Iraq’s army playin’ like they the U.S. Army, givin’ up and killin’ us and holdin’ us hostage and all that kinda stuff!

So I’m watchin’ everybody! I was on an elevator with an old white lady. Just her and I! She watchin’ me, I’m watchin’ her! Then she asked me a stupid-ass question: “Whatchoo lookin’ at?” I said, “What the hell you think I’m lookin’ at?! I’m lookin’ you! You could be.. Saddam’s grandma, I don’t know..”

It’s scary times, I’m tellin’ you! The country got everybody doing stupid things. They told you to buy gas masks.. duct tape.. gloves.. plastic.. The whole doggone country look like a episode of “Trading Spaces”. And you better use your own doggone minds, see? Grown folks stupid, too. You know, you listen to hizzit about “Get some duct tape!” Now, you go get some damn duct tape, if you want to.. and tape your whole house up.. and then wonder why you can’t breathe. You smotherin’ your ass to death!

Right now, you don’t know nobody! It ain’t like it was back in the day! See, like, people know me now – but I don’t know them. This is a beautiful thing, and I’m a good person – I’m a people person. When you come up to me – back up in the day – I’ll shake your hand and talk to you. I’m not doing that today! You can call, be hollarin’ my name, pullin’ on me – “Hey, Bernie!” Slappin’ me, all that stuff. I shot three people last week! I told ’em I was sorry, but I don’t know you. It could be one of those suicide bombers – you ain’t gonna take me with you! You gonna take yourself – I’m takin’ you out!

You gotta protect yourself! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m on ten planes a week. Okay? That’s kinda heavy. You can’t carry no guns.. you can’t carry no knife. But they didn’t say nothing about carrying no hammer! So, if you see me on a plane.. [ singing ] “I got a hammer..” I got a hammer! So I’m gonna tell you how you playin’ when you see me. “Oh, that’s Bernie Mac!” I’m gonna tell you how you ride the plane when you see me. You see me? I want you to sit up.. eat your food.. watch your movie.. take a nap.. leave your shoes alone! I don’t know you, I don’t know what you doin’ down there. But I swear – if you bend down, you ain’t gonna bend back up until you land!

We got a great show for y’all this evening! We got Good Charlotte.. I’m the Mac-Man.. thank you for “Saturday Night Live”!

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

The Pianist

Black Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan
Black Guy #2…..Bernie Mac
Shusher…..Rachel Dratch
Male Moviegoer #1…..Chris Parnell
Male Moviegoer #2…..Seth Meyers
Female Moviegoer…..Amy Poehler
Male Moviegoer #3…..Fred Armisen

[ open on theater marquee, with titles:
“The Pianist”
“A Man Apart”
“Head Of State”
“Phone Booth”
“Boat Trip”
“Old School” ]

[ dissolve to interior, dark theater during showing of “The Piano”. Pair of black men begin to talk throughout the movie, disturbing the white people around them. ]

Black Guy #1: I don’t wanna watch this, man! I wanna see that Vin Diesel movie, man!

Black Guy #2: Well, if you’d been here on time, I could have got the tickets.

Black Guy #1: I thought you were gonna get ’em from Movie Phone?

Black Guy #2: Yeah, but they don’t take J.C. Penney cards.

Shusher: Ssssshhhh!!!

Black Guy #1: What the hell is this movie, anyway?!

Black Guy #2: It’s “The Pianist”.

Black Guy #1: What’s it about?

Black Guy #2: [ unsure ] I don’t know.. I guess a pianist.

Black Guy #1: So, who the guy with the big nose?

Black Guy #2: He’s the pianist.

Black Guy #1: So, he play the piano?

[ angered, a white male moviegoer sitting in front turns around them interrupts ]

Male Moviegoer #1: Yes! He’s the pianist!

[ the two black guys turn to look at the moviegoer, annoyed by the intrusion of their private conversation ]

Black Guy #2: Do you have a problem, man? Something wrong with you?

Male Moviegoer #1: No! I’m just.. trying to watch the movie..

Black Guy #2: [ pointing in front, toward the movie screen ] Well, the movie over there, the movie not back here! You better turn around! [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No.

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ]

[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: [ yelling at the screen ] Don’t go in there, Sbil Man!!

Black Guy #2: You gotta watch your BACK, Sbil Man!! [ perplexed that the character on the screen didn’t heed his warning ] Oh, come on, Sbil Man, they want to getchoo, man!

[ Male and Female Moviegoers in upper row turn lean in to interrupt ]

Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, could you guys please be quiet?

Female Moviegoer: Yeah, you’re ruining it for everybody..

Black Guy #2: No, the Nazis ruined it for everybody!

Male Moviegoer #1: I don’t believe this.. I don’t believe it..

Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No.

[ they return their eyes to the screen, now more perplexed ]

Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, hell no..!

Black Guy #1: You Nazis are PISSING ME OFF, man!! [ throws his popcorn at the screen ]

Male Moviegoer #3: Guys? Look.. I don’t want to keep you from enjoying this movie, but, uh.. I’m here with my grandfather. Okay? And he actually lived in the Warsaw ghetto, so..

Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, man? For real?

Male Moviegoer #3: Yeah.

Black Guy #2: [ over to the elderly grandfather ] You from Warsaw ghetto? We from the ghetto, too, man! Right on, baby! [ makes a Black Power fist gesture at the elderly grandfather, who makes a serious Black Power fist right back ]

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ]

[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: I learned a LOT about myself through your story, Sbil Man!!

Black Guy #2: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah! You know, Jews and blacks, they ain’t that different, after all. You know that?

Male Moviegoer #1: [ raises his arms in surrender ] You know? I give up! They make good points, but it’s ruining my experience!

Female Moviegoer: Yeah. Mine, too!

Shusher: I want my money back..

Black Guy #1: Sssshhhh! I can’t hear Sbil Man!

Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, if anyone is interested, there’s a showing of that Vin Diesel movie in ten minutes!

[ everyone else exits the theater ]

Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No!

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “45 Minutes Later” ]

[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: That was a great movie, man!

Black Guy #2: I’m speechless.

Black Guy #1: [ they methodically begin to clap in unison ]

Black Guy #2: Sbil Man!

Black Guy #1: You go, Sbil Man!

Black Guy #2: Don’t worry, Sbil Man! The Nazis can’t take your Oscar away, baby!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

No Smoking

Bartender…..Seth Meyers
Red…..Bernie Mac
Hedda…..Amy Poehler
Jerry…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on interior, barroom, as Red sits glumly at the bar ]

Bartender: Can I get you another one, Red?

Red: Yeah.. give me another one. Bacardi Rum. And, tell me again – I don’t think I hear you good? I can’t smoke here?

Bartender: You can’t smoke in any bar in New York City!

Red: None at all?

Bartender: Mayor’s new policy.

Red: Ohhh, this is horrible! This is horrible! It’s just plain horrible!

Bartender: Hey, I agree, Red – I think it sucks! It’s bad for business!

Red: It’s bad for business?! It’s bad for freedom! This is America! I pay my taxes! I walk my dog! I pick up my poop! I’m a grown man! Damn, I’m upset! I need a cigarette! [ lights up a cigarette ]

Bartender: Hey, hey, Red! [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, and puts it out ] Sorry, Red! No!

Red: How you feel about it, Hedda.. how you feel about it?

Hedda: I’ve been smoking for twenty years..

Red: You never hurt nobody!

Hedda: You know what I say? Mayor Mike is not the boss of me. He’s nuts! [ lights a cigarette ]

Bartender: Hey! [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

Hedda: Oh, come on, gorgeous.

Red: Heyyyy, I’m a grown man! I vote! I cross the street at the light! I say please and thank you! I’m not killin’ nobody! I’m killin’ myself! And it’s my right! I need a cigarette!

Bartender: No! [ a pause ] Listen, I think they’re just trying to cut down on second-hand smoke.

Hedda: You know what? That’s crazy!

Red: It is crazy!

Hedda: It’s cuckoo!

Red: Cuckoo!

Hedda: Up yours, Mayor Mike! He don’t like second-hand smoke, ’cause he’s a second-hand Mayor! [ lights a cigarette ]

Bartender: Alright.. alright.. alright.. [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

Hedda: Hey! Hey! You’re killing me, gorgeous!

Red: Let me tell you something – back in the day, we coulda smoked in a nursery school!

Hedda: That’s right!

Red: My momma would pack a pack of Lucky Strikes in my lunchbox!

Hedda: That right?

Red: We would smoke in the hospital!

Hedda: Amen.. amen to that..

Red: Dammit! We could smoke in swimming pools!

Hedda: Of course..

Red: Back in the days, smoking was good for you!

Hedda: Good for you..

Red: It makes you run faster!

Hedda: Run faster..

Red: It makes you smarter! It makes you a better lover!

Hedda: That’s right..

Red: I need a cigarette! [ puts a cigarette in his mouth ]

Hedda: [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, puts it in her own mouth ] Let me tell you something – smokers do make your better lovers, or, as I like to say, puffers are good stuffers.

Red: [ laughs, choking ]

Bartender: [ takes the cigarette away from both of them ] Look, guys, if you wanna smoke, why don’t you just go outside?

Hedda: Nooooooo!

Red: I’m not going outside! I’m not going out there like no dog, or a Vietnamese!

Hedda: No, I’m not gonna smoke outside, no way! You know why I don’t go outside?

Red: Why?

Hedda: There’s too much air!

Red: Yeah!

Hedda: [ choking, coughs up a whole cigarette ] Oh.. jackpot!

Red: Yeah, yeah!

[ Jerry enters ]

Jerry: Hey Red.. hey, Hedda..

Red: Hey!

Hedda: Hey..! [ kisses Jerry on the cheek ]

Bartender: [ as Jerry lights a cigarette ] Hey, sorry there, Jerry – no smoking.

Jerry: But it’s after midnight.

Bartender: Sorry.

Jerry: These are lights.

Bartender: Sorry.

Jerry: Uh.. I have a doctor’s note.

Bartender: Can’t do it.

Jerry: But I’m a regular!

Bartender: Nope!

Jerry: I’ll light the other end.

Bartender: Can’t!

Jerry: I won’t exhale.

Bartender: Sorry, Jerry.

Jerry: [ holds up his hands awkwardly ] Dammit! If I’m not smoking, I don’t know what to do with my hands..

Red: Hmm.. let me tell you something – I want to revolt! I want to vote all over again! I’m gonna storm City Hall! I’m gonna e-mail the President! I walk my dog! I need a cigarette!

Jerry: [ still confused about the status of his hands ] Should I put ’em on my waist..? Or should I put ’em in my pockets, or something..? Does this look weird?

Red: Besides! There is no medical evidence.. that proves smoking is bad for you!

Hedda: There’s no medical evidence..

Red: The only people that say that smokin’ is bad for you are scientists!

Hedda: Right.

Red: And doctors and tobacco companies! Who can you trust?!

Hedda: Nobody.

Jerry: [ still very confused about his hands’ current function ] Sh-should I clap? [ claps ] I mean.. wh-wh-what if I put ’em on my leg..? Should I put ’em in my mouth, maybe, uh..

Hedda: Hey! I’ll tell you something.

Red: Tell ’em!

Hedda: A woman my age.. has earned the right.. to enjoy life’s little pleasures.

Jerry: How old are ya, Hedda?

Hedda: 25; 26.. in May, God willing.

Red: Let the lady smoke!

Bartender: Not in here!

Jerry: I figured out what to do with my hands – I’ll see you later. [ exits bar ]

Red: Well, you’d betty hurry, before they make that illegal!

Hedda: That’s right..

Bartender: Look, guys, I don’t want to get fired!

Red: Let me tell you something – how much does the government hate us? What is the number? What is it costing us!

Bartender: It’s a $200 fine.

Red: Hey! Here you go! [ throws some money on the counter ] Right there! That’s eight dollars and twenty-five cents!

Hedda: Eight dollars and twenty-five cents..

Red: Whattaya say? Whattaya say?

Bartender: No! I can’t do it!

Hedda: Hey.. I’ll let you look under my dress.

Bartender: [ thinks it over, then finally ] Okay. Just let me lock the door.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

The Four Stooges

Woody Harrelson…..Jimmy Fallon
Museum Curator…..Darrell Hammond
Moe…..Chris Parnell
Larry…..Chris Kattan
Curly…..Jeff Richards
Rib-Eye…..Bernie Mac

Announcer: We now return to The Three Stooges’ 75th anniversary, on NBC.

[ dissolve to Woody Harrelson in studio ]

Woody Harrelson: Hi. I’m Woody Harrelson. And that can only mean one thing – you guessed it.. a prime-time Three Stooges tribute. If you’re like me, you love The Three Stooges – mostly because you’re stoned all the time. Moe, Larry & Curly are The Three Stooges we know best; but, over the years, the Stooges went through a lot of line-up changes, with Shemp being only the first among many replacements for Curly. One of the most interesting, and little-known, chapters in the Stooges’ existence came during a brief period when the Three Stooges becoem a foursome, with the addition of a gifted physical comedian, dance hall piano player, and former cathouse bouncer named.. Rib-Eye Wilkins. This new line-up made its debut on the Columbia Studios two-reeler “Now Museum, Now You Don’t”.

[ Three Stooges music pots up, as we dissolve to the title card ]

[ dissolve to black-and-white reel of the film short, set in a museum, as the Museum Curator looks about the area ]

Museum Curator: Ohhh.. pip and tosh! Where are those four dinosaur bone cleaners I requested? They were supposed to be here over an hour ago!

[ suddenly, the Four Stooges poke their heads out from behind a wall – Rib-Eye on top, then Curly, Moe and Larry in downward succession; the camera pans upward on them ]

Larry: Hellooooo!

Moe: Hellooooo!

Curly: Hellooooo!

Rib-Eye: Hello.

[ the Stooges fumble about trying to stand together in a line ]

Museum Curator: Gentlemen! Don’t you realize how late you are!

Moe: Hey, just take it easy there! Don’t get your Bunson burner in a bunch, spinach chin!

Museum Curator: Spinach chin..?? Why, I..

Moe: Listen! you just sohw us these bones of yours, and we’ll get ’em cleaned up in a jiffy!

Museum Curator: Well.. you had better! And please remember these bones are very valuable, and very fragile! So, please.. don’t let anything Stoogish occurrrr.

Moe & Larry: Hmmm…

Curly: Soitenly!

Rib-Eye: Alright.. I guess that we.. need to spread out, then.

Moe: Alright! You heard that professor, fellas! We need to get to work on this thing, you bunch of ignoramuses!

Curly: Who you callin’ an ignoramus, you ignoramus?

Moe: Why, I oughtta..

[ Moe begins to hit Curly with wild sound effects, Curly hits back, and eventually Moe smacks one to Larry just the same ]

Larry: Hey, what’dja hit me for? I didn’t do anything!

Moe: No! But you was about to!

Rib-Eye: [ breaking up the fight ] Hey, hey, hey, oh.. come on now, chowderhead.. we got a job to do. Let’s cut all the monkey business and get to work, chop-chop.

Moe: Chop-chop, eh? I’ll chop you, you wise guy! [ slaps Rib-Eye across the face, laughs ]

Rib-Eye: Aw, hell no! I know you just didn’t do that, man, I know you just didn’t do that!

Moe: But, I, uh..

Rib-Eye: Huh?

Moe: I mean..

Rib-Eye: Huh? Huh? What did you say to me? Huh? What did you say to me.. soup-bowl haircut?

Moe: Uh.. y-y-y-y-you heard me, you nincompoop! [ meekly ] Come on, man, this is a.. a bit. It’s supposed to be funny..

Rib-Eye: Ohhh, it’s funny now? Slappin’ a black man around on film, it’s funny, huh?

Moe: Oh, no! I..

Rib-Eye: I’ll show you funny! [ begins to beat the hell out of Moe ] Huh?! You think I’m funny?! Huh! Huh!

Larry: Hey, Rib-Eye.. it’s just a slap!

Rib-Eye: [ stops pounding on Moe ] Just a slap, right? I’m sick of Moe! I’m sick of you, too! [ claps Larry ] That’s just a slap? You slap women! You don’t slap women?!

Curly: Oh, God! Take it easy! You’re kickin’ his brains all over your foot, you crazy bastard! [ stops himself short ]

Rib-Eye: What’d you say to me?!

Curly: Oh, God! Whoo-whoo!

[ dissolve to end title card, over closing theme music ]

[ dissolve back to Woody Harrelson, who opens his mouth allowing pot smoke to escape. He coughs ]

Woody Harrelson: After this.. one film, the four performers went their separate ways. Rib-Eye, back to the dance halls and juke joints he loved so well; and The Three Stooges, to 18 months of.. painful physical and speech therapy. Stick around. When we come back, we’ll lookat even more unpopular Three Stooges pornos. I’m gonna have to roll another one for that..

[ fade out, with Three Stooges theme music ]

SNL Transcripts