Don Banks…Bernie Mac Rushion Brown….Dean Edwards Wigger….Will Forte
[Opens with Don Bank’s clothing store. Don is a big black man wearing a colorful suit and hat.]
Don Banks: Hey, how you doing? I’m Don Banks. Are you a black comic in search of a perfect suit? Then come see Don Banks The King of “Comedy” Suits. Are you looking for a double-breasted pinstripe sleeveless size 54? [photo of Cedric the Entertainer wearing it] Cause I got one. How about a classic Eddie Murphy leather 20-zipper ensemble? I got it in “Delirious” red[photo of Murphy’s red 20 zipper jacket] and I got it in “Raw” purple.[photo of Murphy wearing the ridiculous jacket]. I got Simbad’s genie pants.[holds up the pants] I got ’em 3 for $20. I got Martin Lawrence’s undershorts. [photo of Martin Lawrence running in his undies down the street] For when you go crazy. I got Bill Cosby imitation sweaters. They usually cost up to $500 but if you like polyester I can get it for you for $28. Let me tell you something, are you the next King of Comedy? Well, dress like one dammit! I got something from the Steve Harvey collection. We got Steve Harvey mustard colored suits. [photos of Steve Harvey’s nauseating yellow suits] Fresh yellow mustard, Dijon mustard, Honey mustard, Grey poupon mustard. Don Banks offers the largest collection of eggplant and mustard color this side of St.Louis. So if you want your suits, if you got em in buttons. I got 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 buttons. I got the suit jackets that come all the way down to your knees. So let the people know, I got TV money. I can afford enough fabric for a long-ass coat. Don’t take my word. This is one of the biggest names in the business!
[Black guy in wild red suit] [Rushion Brown. Talent Booker for BET’s “Comic View”]
Rushion Brown: Oh, man! Before I let comics on my show I send them to Don Banks! He dresses all the comedy kings! Ricky Smiley [photo of Ricky in loud get up] Bruce Bruce [Bruce in complicated suit] Don D.C. Curry [Don in leather suit] Shucky Ducky![photo of Shucky horrendous suit]
Rushion and Don: Quack! Quack!
Rushion Brown: Kat ‘N Da’ Hat[Kat in ridiculous suit and hat] Kool Bubba Ice![photo of Kool in stupid ass suit] Don Banks is the most trusted name in afro-comedic apparel. We love you Don! [shakes hands with Don]
Don Banks: Tell you right, baby. Don Banks King of the “Comedy” Suits. If you want to be a black stand-up or just dress like one.
[white guy in sleeveless jacket and white Kangol]
Wigger: I just want to dress like one. Thanks Don Banks!
Don Banks: Be down or be dead.
Announcer: Don Banks Kings of “Comedy” Suits. 1321 Walnut Street, Philadelphia. The first King of Comedy is property of Broadway Video and used without permission.
Walter…..Ray Romano Voice on Phone…..Darrell Hammond Fat Guy…..Horatio Sanz Police Captain…..Tracy Morgan Back-up Cop…..Dean Edwards
[ Walter walks past a phone booth as it rings; he enters the booth and picks up the receiver ]
Walter: Hello?
Voice on Phone: [ sinister ] Hello.. Walter.
Walter: [ laughing ] He-ey! Who’s this!
Voice on Phone: Love the out-fit. I see you enjoy the un-tucked, button-down shirt look.
Walter: Wha- whoa, whoa.. what is.. what is.. is there a camera on me, huh? Is this one of those hidden camera shows? Huh? I love those shows! Where’s the camera! [ foolishly mugs for the hidden camera he thinks is out there ]
Voice on Phone: Walter.. dont be a douche-bag.
Walter: Wow! Douchebag! What are we, on FOX? Where is it? Where’s the camera!
Voice on Phone: It’s not a camera.. it’s the scope of a high-powered rifle.. pointed straight at your head.
Walter: [ dumbfounded ] That’s not funny.. That’s not funny.. Have fun with your show. [ starts to hang up the phone ]
Voice on Phone: Don’t.. hang up.. Walter.
Walter: No! I’m hanging up!
Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Hey. Walter. See that fat guy, eating a hot dog over there?
Walter: [ afraid to acknowledge the fat guy ] Yeah?
[ scope of rifle fires a shot, sending the fat guy to the pavement, as passers-by scream and run in panic ]
Walter: [ screaming ] Oh, my God!! You KILLED him!! You KILLED him!! You’re CRAZY!!
Voice on Phone: Relax, Walter.. look at the size of him. He’s probably bleeding gravy..
[ sirens can be heard approaching from the background ]
Walter: That is MEAN!! That’s so MEAN to the FAT GUY!!
[ the police suddenly appear, huddled in a group with guns pointed at Walter ]
Police Captain: Alright, sir! Step out of the phone booth, Sir!
Voice on Phone: Don’t.. step out.. of the phone booth.. Walter..!
Police Captain: Why did you kill the fat guy?!
Walter: I didn’t! I didn’t kill the fat guy!!
Police Captain: Step out of the booth!
Voice on Phone: Walter.. you leave that.. phone booth.. and you.. die.
Walter: I don’t understand! What’s.. what’s going on here?!
Voice on Phone: I.. know.. everything.. about.. you.. Walter.
Walter: Wha? What do you want?!
Voice on Phone: I want you to step out of the booth and tell everyone what you wear to bed. [ Walter resists ] Tell.. them.. or.. I’ll.. kill.. you..
Walter: Alright! [ slowly pokes his head out of the booth ] I wear footsie pajamas to bed!
Voice on Phone: Wal-ter..
Walter: [ disgusted ] SpongeBob footsie pajamas!! My feet get cold!
Police Captain: That’s all right, Buddy! I, myself, sleep buck-naked! But SpongeBob is a hilarious cartoon! Now, come.. out.. of.. the.. booth!
Walter: [ into the phone ] Look.. can I go now?
Voice on Phone: Not.. yet. Walter.. I want you to point to that cop, and tell him that you hate black people.
Walter: WHAT??!! NO!! I CAN’T say that!!
Voice on Phone: I’ll.. kill.. you.
Walter: Arrrrggghh!! That’s right! Dammit!! [ with regret ] I only picked up this phone thinking I had won a contest! This seems like the exact opposite!
Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Say.. “I hate black people.” Say it!
Walter: Okay! Okay! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate.. I hate..
Police Captain: Come on, Buddy! Put the phone down and step out of the booth, Sir!
Voice on Phone: I’m.. going.. to.. shoot.. you..
Walter: O-kay! i’m gonna say it! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate! Blah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhhhck! [ waves his arms ] People! [ into the phone ] Okay. I did it! I did it!
Voice on Phone: [ getting ticked off ] Walter! Say it.. with the right.. inflection!
Walter: Wait, that’s just my manner of speaking, you know, I can’t help that..
Voice on Phone: Walter, you’ve got three seconds! Three.. two..
Walter: [ quickly pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate black people!
[ dissolve onto Aaron Brown at the CNN newsdesk, as the latest news scrolls across the bottom of the screen: ]
Scroll: “All-Night Vegas wraps, laughter heard.
Scroll: Whereabouts of Tracy Morgan remain unknown, systematic searh of area topless bars yield no results.
Scroll: Preliminary reports indicate that Horatio Sanz has commenced ninth beer of evening, tenth expected shortly.
Scroll: Sanz: “Hey, lay off of me, man.”
Scroll: SNL rookie writer James Eagan: “Just really excited to be part of it all.”
[ scroll repeats throughout the mini-broadcast ]
Aaron Brown: Um.. good evening, um.. I’m Aaron Brown. And I.. I’ve been talking for.. a long time. A long.. long time.. For those of you who are just joining our coverage, the top story out of Studio 8-H here in New York is that the All-Night Vegas sketch has wrapped. Which is to say that it has reached its inevitable.. conclusion. The next sketch: funny, enlightening, entertaining.. it should be starting any minute now. But, uh.. as of yet, we don’t seem to be quite ready. I, uh.. apologize for the delay. It’s 12:26 Eastern Standard Time, or 12:26 Studio 8-H.. Daylight Time. [ clears throat ] That was, of course, the inimitable, uh.. Chris Karttan, the man who has.. provided us with so much, uh.. joy. Over the years.. revisiting the role of down-on-his-luck Las Vegas comedian Buddy Mills. A man who, uh.. is faced with a whole.. [ laughing ] ..a whole host of problems! Stemming from his, uh.. flatering career.. [ laughs again ] ..his, uh.. difficult marriage.. his ailing prostate, and.. [ laughing ] And the lsit goes on!
I’m getting word that we’re just moments away from the next sketch, but we’re not quite there yet. These great cast members are, of course, under a tremendous amount of stress. And we’re going to go now to Chris Kattan, live, for.. an insider’s perspective.. on that last sketch. And, Chris, are you there?
[ show split screen on Aaron on one side, and Chris Kattan, still in costume, on the other side ]
Aaron Brown: [ coughs ] Chris? [ Chris mumbles to himself on his side ] Okay. Unfortunately, there seems to be some audio problems.. with Chris’ audio. We’re going to be working on that situation, and we’re gonna.. okay. I’m now getting word the next sketch is ready, and I believe this is a parody of a commercial for something called the, uh.. [ receiving communication in his earpiece ] Oh.. okay.. it’s.. an actual commercial. Alright, then, can I just take a little break, then? It’d be all right if I just- No? No break? Okay, then.. we’re gonna be.. we’ll be back right.. after this.
[ cut to bumper montage, fade to real commercials ]
Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun…..Jimmy Fallon Buddy Mills…..Chris Kattan Mackey…..Fred Armisen Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar…..Ray Romano Cocktail Waitresses…..Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph
Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun: And now, coming to you live, from the beautiful Rosewater Room in the Rialto Grande – just shy of the Vegas strip – it’s another night with Buddy Mills! This is old pal Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun saying: The only thing smaller than this guy’s paycheck.. is his pointdexter! Here’s.. Buddy Mills!
[ the aging Buddy Mills runs excitedly onto the stage, little else to live for in his life; cocktail waitresses wil periodically walk past Buddy string directly into the audience as though severely annoyed at having to work the act ]
Buddy Mills: Ha! Hello, Nas Legas, Vevada! Ha HA! Hey, is it New Year’s Eve? ‘Cause I think my ball just dropped! Haaa, I can’t! [ expects a rim shot from drummer Mackey, but gets zero response from the open-mouthed old-timer ] I just got my taxes done, have you heard about these things, these taxes? Apparently-
[ from out of nowhere, Mackey delivers an inappropriately-timed rim shot ]
Buddy Mills: Apparently, I can’t claim not gettin’ any.. as a loss! Haaa, wait a second, I can’t! [ waits again for a non-existant rim shot from Mackey ] I’ll tell ya, my wife’s knockers are so low-
[ Mackey delivers another inappropriately-timed rim shot, much to Buddy’s annoyance ]
Buddy Mills: Mackey on drums, everybody. Great stuff. Class act. Anyway.. my wife’s knockers are so low.. she crossed the street yesterday, and got three jaywalking tickets! Whaaaat?! Wait a.. I can’t! [ again, no rim shot from Mackey ] Hey, Mackey, how’s your wife doin’? Good? [ Mackey doesn’t respond, he just stares open-mouthed ] No kiddin’? Okay! We’ve got a great show – despite all the water damage, thank you for coming! Here’s a tip – if you see black mold, don’t put your tongue on it, on matter how good it looks! Heeey, I don’t.. okay! Sorry.. sorry.. Our first guest-
Mackey: [ interrupting unexpectedly ] Mabel is fine..
Buddy Mills: Our first guest is a great fellow! You guys have seen him plastered all over the bus stps – literally! The second funniest comic – in this room, at this very moment as we speak – Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar!
[ Marv enters onto the stage chomping on a cigar ]
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Bud-dyyyyy! There’s a hooker in the lobby looking for you – you left your dentures in her paaaants! [ clutches his stomach ] Hold.. hold.. hold.. and release!
Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] Unbelievable!
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Sit down!
Buddy Mills: So good! So good!
[ they both sit at a table on the stage ]
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Sit down, you monkey! Sit in the chair!
Buddy Mills: This guy! This guy’s been the headliner in the Medallion Room at Caeser’s, for how many years now?
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Well.. well.. let’s just say, when I started there the hecklers used bows and arrows! Hold.. hold.. and release!
Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] That is a long story! That is a very long story!
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: The only thing longer than that is Buddy’s wife’s face when she sees him naked! Hold.. Hold.. release!
Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it!
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Keep still, you rabbit!
Buddy Mills: I can’t believe they canned you from Caeser’s, I really can’t..
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Yeah!
Buddy Mills: Big loss to them, truly a loss..
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I got replaced by this new kid – Celie Die-on. I mean, what are you gonna do? How am I gonna compete with a Canadian in her own amphitheater? Huh?! She’s got the laser lights, and the fountains, and the, you know.. the only water spectacle I got in my act is when my catheter slips out! Holding.. holding..
Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] So good! Spuds, I swear to God, you are on fire tonight! You are unbelievable! [ to the audience ] You have gotta see this guy’s act, it’s so good! Please tell everybody where you’re playing next weekend.
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I have some gigs lined up, in the area..
Buddy Mills: Yeah. Yeah. Where, uh.. where are you playing?
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I’m at, uh.. I’m at various places in the vicinity..
Buddy Mills: Uh-huh. Yeah. Where at, like where?
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Uh, well.. I’m gonna be over at, uh.. I’m doing a weekend at the, uh.. at the, uh.. [ suddenly collapses into a handful of tears ] I’ve got NOTHING!! I’ve got NOTHING!!
Buddy Mills: Okay.. let it out, it’s okay.. it’s okay.. it really is okay..
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Ohhh, it hurts, Buddy..
Buddy Mills: I know it does..
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Oh, God..
Buddy Mills: It’s alright..You know? And I know it does, I know it hurts.. We’re the clowns, you know? We’re not supposed to cry. We’re the ones who are crying inside the hardest, you know? It’s so hard!
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: [ regaining his composure ] You know what I did? You know what I did yesterday? I, uh.. I practiced my act in mirror. you know? Because I wanted to see.. how they saw me.. you know? And I said, “Oh, God.. who’s that pathetic old man who forgot.. how to make.. people.. laugh..? Who’s gonna hire him?
[ Mackey finally delivers another inappropriately-timed rim shot, much to Buddy’s annoyance ]
Buddy Mills: Mackey on drums! Hey, don’t worry – you! You.. are the real deal, Spuds! You’re unbelievable! They can have their Celine Dions, and they can have those fancy ladies! They can have ’em!
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Yeah, well, you know.. the women, they’ve always been trouble for me.
Buddy Mills: Yeah, yeah, yeah..
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Even my blow-up doll can’t keep her mouth shut! Holding.. release! I’m back!
Buddy Mills: Ha ha haaaa!! I can’t!
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Let it out!
Buddy Mills: Lemme tell ya somethin’! One thing for sure..
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Let’s sing a song!
[ all four cocktail waitresses relunctanly join Buddy and Marv onstage ]
Buddy & Marv: [ singing together ] “When skies are cloudy and gray They’re only gray for a day So wrap your troubles in dreams And dream your troubles away..”
Buddy Mills: Thank you for spending another night with Buddy Mills! I’d like to thank Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar! And, remember: it ain’t a one-night stand if you’re layin’ down! Haaaaa, my other ball just dropped! Good night, everybody!
Sean…..Seth Meyers Becca…..Amy Poehler Sweet Pete Zernicky…..Ray Romano
[ open on title graphic, over theme song “You Can’t Hurry Love” by The Supremees ]
[ dissolve to show set, Sean and Becca seated next to one another on the couch ]
Becca: Welcome! To another episode of “What’s The Rush?” I’m Becca, and beside me is my boyfriend of three years – Sean. This is a sohw for and by people who made the pledge to forego sexual intercourse until marriage.
Sean: Just because you abstain from sex doesn’t mean you have to abstain from life.
Becca: [ laughs ] That’s so true! Last weekend.. Sean and I went camping, and we had a wonderful time.
Sean: After our ten minutes of deep, familiar kissing, and restrained, over-the-clothes petting.. we decided to lie back and try to go to sleep.
Becca: [ laughing ] It’s amazing what you hear when you’re wide awake in the forest!
Sean: [ nervous laughter ] I felt my senses were ve-ry acute!
Becca: I felt that, too! It was like I could hear a single bead of sweat roll off your brow.. down your neck.. and onto your chest.. which I imagine to be muscular, yet hairy. Like a Greek god!
Sean: [ uncomfortably horny, thanks to the epic description ] Do you, maybe, want to do some jumping jacks?
Becca: Yeah, yeah! Jumping jacks!
[ they awkwardly perform a series of jumping jacks to release their pented-up frustrations ]
Becca: Okay!
Sean: I am gonna kill you!!!
Becca: [ screams playfully ] Okay! Whoo! We always get great guests on “What’s The Rush?” From Rev. Walker to Rev. Manning!
Sean: We thought we’d “switch up”, and bring out someone with a counter viewpoint.
Becca: Right. Someone who could talk about their own sexual experiences.
Sean: Because talking about it is fine!
Becca: Yeah, talking about it’s not doing it!
Sean: Yeah, what?! Now we can’t even talk about it!
Becca: Aw, give us a break!
Sean: Arrrrrggggghhhh!!
Becca: Okay! So, please.. um.. welcome the author of the book “Don’t Just Sit There – Bone Something”. Sweet Pete Zernicky.
[ theme music plays Pete onto the set ]
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ahhhh.. So how long is this gonna take, ’cause I got some serious bonin’ to do!
Becca: Uh.. now, Pete, uh..
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah ah ah ah.. “Sweet” Pete!
Becca: Okay. Sweet Pete. Um.. why did you write this book?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Well.. we’re livin’ in crazy times. You know? Yeah. The war.. terrorists.. blue ketchup.. tiny ovens that cook things real fast! You know? We need a release. We need a release from the madness! That’s why I think bonin’ – hardcore, non-stop American bonin’.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. so, sex. What’s that like?
Becca: Yes. Sex, is it good?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeeeaaahhhh.. You know what it’s like? It’s like Christmas morning, when you’re opening up your gifts, and you’re.. you’re.. you’re filled, you’re full with this overwhelming feeling of joy. You know? It’s just like that – only in your pants.
Sean: Is it, um.. is it different every time?
Becca: Yeah.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Each lady is like a different song, you know? Like a different song with a different set of racks! I mean, would you want to listen to one song for the rest of your life?
Sean: No, that would suck!
Becca: Yeah, you know, I like a lot of different songs.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Hey! Hey! I got an idea! you two should bone!
[ Becca and Sen are uncomfortably silent ]
Sean: You want some water?
Becca: Yeah, okay, I’ll have some water, thank you so much!
[ Sean pours Becca half-glass of water, then pours his glass onto his crotch. He follows up by pouring the entire pitcher onto his crotch, then the contents of Becca’s unfinished glass. ]
Becca: Whoo! That’s great! Thank you so much!
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Alright, quick change of subject – how come you two haven’t boned yet?
Becca: Uh.. well, uh.. Sweet Pete.. we mutually decided to save ourselves for the ultimate wedding gift, once we’re married.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah ah ah ah.. ssshhhhhh.. ssshhhhh.. sshhhhhhhhh.. Let me tellya something – I was married once. So I know all about the “once you’re married”. You know what that’s like? It’s like driving a Porsche in a school zone. Okay? Let me use another metaphor: you wanna pork other ladies all the time, but you can’t. It’s a drag.
Sean: [ frustrated ] Ohhh, that would suck!
Sweet Pete Zernicky: So, listen.. out of curioist,y what do you guys consider sex?
Becca: [ thinking ] Um.. I won’t give.. “jobs”.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah.
Sean: Also, uh.. if it feels good, she won’t let me do it.
Becca: Sean, I thought this was something we both wanted?
Sean: Why don’t YOU SHUT UP??!!
Becca: I didn’t say Shut up!
Sean: You know WHAT?!! You’re not WORTH IT!!
[ they break into uncontrollable, frustrating laughter, desperate to relieve themselves of this burdon ]
Becca: Okay, well.. thank you so much for coming, Sweet Pete.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: O-kay.. my pleasure. Anything else you guys want to ask me?
Sean: Uh.. I can’t relaly think of anything right now.. [ quickly ] On Page 57 of your book, you mention three-ways! Have you ever had a three-way?!
Sweet Pete Zernicky: [ happily ] Yeah!
Becca: Have you ever done it underwater?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeah.
Sean: Sex in public?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeah.
Becca: Where?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Elevator.
Sean: Moving?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yep.
Becca: Because of it being an elevator, or because of the sex?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: A little both.
Sean: Where else?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Jet skis.. zoo.. helicopter.. haunted house.. scented candle store.. Statue of Liberty-
Sean: [ can’t take the frustrations any longer ] Okay, I’m going for a run! [ runs off set quickly ]
Becca: Okay! That has been all, you know.. all the time we have today.. Thank you so much, Sweet Pete, you’ve been truly informative and pleasant.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Do you wanna go in my van and bone?
Becca: [ hesitant at first, but then boldly ] Yes. I do want to do that.
Saddam Hussein: The following is an address from the President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein – who is not dead.
[ dissolve to Saddam Hussein sitting behind desk, as Iraqi text appears onscreen with the accompaniment of a Translator’s voice ]
Translator’s Voice: Good evening. Ah, it’s good to be alive. Also, to be speaking to you live, rather than in the form of a videotape recorded some weeks ago, before the war started. Because that is not what this is. This is live. I don’t need to address you on tape, because what would be the point? I’m not dead.
In that case, tonight I speak to you, the villianous people of Iraq, for two reasons. First, to congratulate you on your heroic resistance to the crusader forces of Britain and America. The war, I think you’ll agree, is going pretty well for us, all things considered. Not perfect, but.. pretty well. Although, don’t expect to read that in the Western press. I can only imagine the lies they are printing, right now, April 12th, 2003. I can only imagine it because I refuse to read the Western press, and not, by the way, because I’ve been dead for several weeks. Because I am not dead.
Which leads me to my second point. You may also read in the Western press, believe it or not, that I am dead. Well, could a dead man do this?
[ attempts to do a magic trick with a coin in his hand, but is unable to perform it without a hitch ]
Ayway, I did it earlier.. But that’s not the point. If I were dead, I could hardly be appearing live on television, tonight, April 12th, 2003. Now, could I? Of course, the Western press will probably claim that this address is not actually live, but was pre-recorded weeks ago for broadcast in the event of my death. How do I answer such a ridiculous charge? First of all, I give you my word that this is live. Which ought to be good enough. But if you need more proof, let me direct your attention to this calender. [ holds up calender of the date April 12th ] I think that speaks for itself.
In closing, a final word to you, my beloved Iraqi people. In the days ahead, God willing, I hope to be able to resume my customary public appearances, to bolster your morale. And to reassure you, that I was not killed in the first days of the bombing, which I definitely was not. I am alive. But when you see me, should I appear a little odd, should I look different, or seem heavier, or even several inches shorter.. please understand, I am under a lot of pressure. It’s not that you’re actually seeing one of my doubles, on account of the fact that I was killed some weeks ago. Because, as I explained earlier, I’m not dead. I’m alive. I am speaking to you, “Live..”
Saddam Hussein: “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!”
Announcer: Baghdad has only just fallen. And yet, already, candidates are throwing their hats in the ring to be the President of Iraq. But how many of them are only doing it simply because they have a lust for power? Just one.
Uday Hussein: Hi! I’m Uday Hussein! My father ruled Iraq for a long time! And he was a fantastic murderer in his day! But.. unfortunately.. he is probably dead by now. So.. it might be time for a change! It’s true that my opponents say I am a violent lunatic! But what they don’t tell you is that I know all the hot spots and discotheques! I’ve got tons of jewelry and cars, and I’m addicted to sex! Elect me! I’m like a fun-time playboy! I’m a club-hopping, jolly fun cat! Come on! Now.. I know what you’re thinking: “Why elect the less competent son of a former president?” Well.. you guys did it!
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey …..Seth Meyers Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Residents of Baghdad went on a looting rampage this week. The looting began after US troops entered the city and informed them of the Rodney King verdict.
In a video taped message to the people of Iraq, President Bush said your nation will soon be free. The government of Iraq, the future of your country will soon belong to you. When addressing the Iraqi’s, the President spoke slowly and chose simple words because he always does.
Jimmy Fallon: US Soldiers have been given packs of 55 playing cards which feature pictures of leaders the Bush administration wants them to kill or capture. The cards include Saddam Hussein, Tarik Haziz, and Michael Moore.
Tina Fey: It is rumored that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez want to star in a remake of Casablanca. This will be the perfect film for people who liked the original but wished it was terrible.
Jimmy Fallon: Every year, we here at Saturday Night Live join the rest of America by holding our own NCAA basketball pool. Here’s the winner of this year’s SNL office pool…Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: Well hello! Hello Jimmy and Tina! Or should I say “hello losers!”
Jimmy Fallon: Congratulations Seth. You did a good job.
Seth Meyers: What’s that Jimmy? I can’t hear you all the way up here, at the top! Ah the sweet nectar of success. (licks his fingers)
Jimmy Fallon: Stop doing that.
Seth Meyers: Delicious!
Tina Fey: Seth, why do you have to act like this?
Seth Meyers: Well I’d like to tell you, Tina, but anyone stupid enough to think Kentucky was going to win the tournament, wouldn’t understand! Duh, duh, duh…I’m Tina Fey. No one can beat Kentucky.
Jimmy Fallon: Come on, it’s just a pool man.
Seth Meyers: What’s that, I can’t hear you, Fallon. The rustle of your ten dollar bill is deafening. Why look it’s my old friend Alexander Hamilton. What’s that, Alex? I’m a much better owner than Jimmy? Why thank you! And let me be the first to say that you are not only the first but the finest Secretary of the Treasurer of this or any other nation. Oh, and what shall I do with you, one-time ten dollar bill of Ms. Tina Fey? Perhaps we’ll share two coffees and a scone at Starbucks, or, maybe we’ll take a cab almost all the way back to my apartment. With money like this the options are endless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Jimmy Fallon: You know there are only 15 of us. You do realize that you only won 150 dollars.
Seth Meyers: No I did not realize that. In my excitement I seemed to have shanked my math pretty badly and added a zero or three. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a plasma TV and a cheetah to un-buy. Good day to you!
Jimmy Fallon: Seth Meyers everybody!
Tina Fey: The annual White House Easter egg hunt is scheduled for next week. President Bush told reporters he still has no definitive knowledge where the eggs might be or if they are in fact, alive or dead. Regardless, the administration says it plans to spend $70 billion looking for the eggs, and then not find them.
Jimmy Fallon: According to sources inside Baghdad, the Iraqi military leader known as “Chemical Ali” is dead. No word on the status of his long-time rival, “Chemical Frasier.”
According to the New York Department of Health, the most popular name for baby boys this year was Michael. The second most popular name? Colin Farrell Jr.
Tina Fey: Darryl Strawberry was released from a Florida prison Tuesday after serving 11 months for violating is probation on cocaine possession charges. (looks at watch) 3.. 2.. 1.. and he has been arrested again.
Details Magazine claims that since the 1940s, a secret list has been kept of which famous men have large penises. I’ll tell you one celebrity you won’t see on the Big Penis List, Mr…Jimmy.. (Jimmy punches Tina – no sound effect) I was going to say Carter! I was gonna say Jimmy Carter!
Jimmy Fallon: Oh sorry about that.
Tina Fey: God you’re so paranoid. You must really have a small penis. (Jimmy punches Tina – again no sound effect)
Jimmy Fallon: Sorry about that. Yeah.
Tina Fey: In other news, coming up in just three days is April 15, the IRS deadline for filing your income taxes. Or, as Willie Nelson refers to it, Tuesday.
Jimmy Fallon: The new trend in fashion for women this summer is expected to be short shorts with some inseams being reduced to less than 2 inches. While men will mostly likely make a return to wearing the classic boner.
Tina Fey: Tonight for another perspective on the war, we’re joined by the Iraqi Minster of Information. Are you there Mr. Sahhaf?
Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: (via satellite) Surrender Tina!
Tina Fey: Wha.. excuse me?
Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: I have come onto your program to announce that the Iraqi’s have won the war.
Tina Fey: Minister, what are you talking about? The US has clearly won.
Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Tina, you are delusional. Our armies have not only won, they have invaded America! Right now our Republican Guards are storming through Disney World, eating astro-burgers and going on all the rides! And get this, Tina, Iraq’s victory is so overwhelming that all of your Houlihans are now Hussein-i-hans and all of your Cinnabuns are now Saddam-a-buns!
Tina Fey: Excuse me, Minister, aren’t those American MP’s?
Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Yes, Tina. But they have come to surrender to me. I will now take them for questioning. Surrender, Tina Fey, surrender!
Tina Fey: Ok, Minister Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf, everybody. He wants us to surrender.
Jimmy Fallon: When the New York City subways stop using tokens in May, it will signal the end of “token sucking,” the practice of thieves putting their mouths on the turnstiles and sucking out a recently used token. For those who miss the sensation of putting your mouth on a subway turnstile, the MTA recommends making out with Mickey Rourke.
Tina Fey: That’s a good joke there, Tiny Penis. (Jimmy punches Tina – sound effect works) See how funny it is when the sound effect works? Billy Taylor, everybody, on sound effects.
Sony has created a cuddly humanoid robot that performs a song and dance routine and can carry on simple conversations with humans. They have named it Wayne Brady. Yeah! I got you Wayne Brady!
Jimmy Fallon: Hey do you want to do the punching thing again?
Tina Fey: Yeah, do it one more time. (Jimmy punches Tina – sound effect works)
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Air Date:
