Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: May 3rd, 2003 Ashton Kutcher 50 Cent G Unit Nate Dogg
The U.S.S. Lincoln President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) addresses Navy personnel on U.S.S. Lincoln. Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.
Jarret’s Room Sole viewer from Iceland (Kutcher) stays in Jarret’s (Jimmy Fallon) dorm room. Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, D.J. Jonathan Feinstein.
Madonna: An American Life Matt Lauer (Seth Meyers) interviews rapidly-aging Madonna (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Madonna.
Plagierism Teacher is well aware of students’ history paper plagierisms.
50 Cent performs “In Da Club”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Liza Minelli (Maya Rudolph) & David Gest (Chris Kattan) celebrate his birthday. Tracy Morgan has eaten Saddam Hussein’s birthday cake. Patrick (Will Forte) & Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing SARS Prevention Song. Recurring Characters: Liza Minelli, David Gest, Patrick Kelly, Gunther Kelly.
The Falconer The Falconer (Will Forte) faces competition from The Muskrateer (Kutcher). Tracy Morgan & Dean Edwards don’t want Kutcher to “Punk” them. Recurring Characters: The Falconer.
Politics Today High school dropouts discuss the day’s big issues. Recurring Characters: Skeeter.
50 Cent with G Unit & Nate Dogg performs “21 Questions”
50’s Ent. Prisoners incite riot when they mistake pre-execution performance.
[ open on exterior footage of the U.S.S. Lincoln ]
[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]
[ President George W. Bush steps up to the podium to address the crew ]
President George W. Bush: Good evening. Tonight.. I wish to address, not only the crew of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, but all the men and women of our nation’s military. On behalf of the American people.. our allies.. and the newly-liberated citizens of Iraq.. I offer you our thanks, and our congratulations. The battle of Iraq is over. You have won it.
[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]
President George W. Bush: Throughout this campaign.. you have performed with courage.. brilliance.. and compassion. You have made our world a safer place, and freed an entire nation. And now.. you are going home.
[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]
President George W. Bush: Your nation will never forget the sacrifices you have made. You have endured not only great danger, but separation from family and loved ones. But that separation is nearly over, and now.. you are ging home.
[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]
President George W. Bush: During your nearly ten months at sea.. you have done everything that was asked of you, without hesitation or complaint. Now, you are returning home for a well-deserved rest.
[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]
President George W. Bush: And no one has ever deserved it more.
[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]
President George W. Bush: And yet.. I know that, if your country asked today, you would not hesitate to turn this ship around, and head straight back to the Persian Gulf.
[ sounds of light, scattered applause can barely be heard ]
Because the war against terror is far from over.
[ sounds of light, confused applause can be heard, military personnel possibly thinking to themselves, “Say what?” ]
But for now, your work is done, and you are going home.
[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]
President George W. Bush: Although.. you never know. The world reamins a dangerous place.. and your nation could call on you again tomorrow.
[ very thin applause is heard, more out of respect than enthusiasm ]
Although that is unlikely.
[ the applause is a little broader, though not quite as trusting ]
As I said – for now, you are going home.
[ the applause is greater, but nowhere near as enthusiastic as it was at the top of the speech ]
That is certain.
[ applause intensifies a little bit, but still not ready to trust where this is going ]
99.99% certain.
[ very thin applause ]
Let me ask ya’ a hypothetical question. [ clears throat ] If the United States were to invade another country next week.. which of the following countries would you most like to invade? You may applaud for more than one country. Syria?
[ scattered applause ]
Libya?
[ scattered applause ]
Argentina?
[ a couple of guys can be heard clapping ]
France?
[ broader applause than the other choices ]
Israel?
[ very scattered applause ]
North Korea?
[ a slightly higher applause rate ]
How many said North Korea?
[ those military personnel repeat their applause ]
Those of you who said North Korea, give yourselves a round of applause.
[ with relunctance, they applaud themselves for applauding earlier ]
You have been very patient, but, if you don’t mind, I have just a few more questions. By your applause.. indicate how much you agree with the following statement: “The men and women of America’s military deserve a pay increase, but what they’d really prefer is a tax cut to get the economy moving, especially an end to the double-taxation of dividends.”
[ no applause ]
Really? Hmm. Okay, one more. “If the White House were to claim that President Bush actually piloted a Navy jet during his landing on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, how believable would that claim be: Very belieavable..”
[ one guy can be heard clapping ]
“..not at all beleivable..”
[ heavy applause ]
“..or.. not very believable, but I trust this White House.”
[ light applause ]
Okay. Fair enough. And, finally.. the Republican National Committee would like to use videotaped images of today’s event in future campaign ads. Are you comfortable with that?
[ light to scattered applause ]
What if these images are used out of context, to imply your endorsement of specific policies with which you may not agree, such as the the elimination of double-taxation of dividends?
[ fearful scattered applause ]
Alright, last one. What if these images were used to open an episode of “Saturday Night Live”?
[ wild applause ]
Alright, then.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Teacher: Well, I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know you had a big term paper due last Friday, so hopefully you rewarded yourselves with a little.. rest and relaxation. Unofrtunately, I’m, uh.. I’m afraid some of you may have relaxed too much.. and didn’t actually write your own papers. In fact, I think a certain few of you took almost everything right off the internet.
Danny: Damn!
Teacher: Something to say, Danny?
[ a beat ] No.
Teacher: Alright. Karen, let’s start with you. Uh.. you wrote your paper on “War & Peace”.
Karen: So? Is there a law against that?
Teacher: No, there’s not, Karen. But.. this is the exact same paper, word for word, that you can buy for $15 on termpaper.com. It even has the same title and footnotes.
Karen: [ weakly ] Maybe they copied my paper.
Teacher: I don’t think they did.
Karen: They might have.
Teacher: They didn’t.
Danny: [ leaning forward ] Bus-teddddd!!
Teacher: Kirstie.
Kirstie: Yeah?
Teacher: A very nicely written paper on “A Tale Of Two Cities”.
Kirstie: Thank you.
Teacher: Uh.. but I think you may have taken it from a website called dickensscholar.com. Do you know why I think that?
Kirstie: Because you like to be wrong?
Teacher: No. But an interesting guess. I think that, because the upper lefthand corner of each page says “dickensscholar.com.”
Kirstie: God! I knew my plan was too perfect.
Teacher: Your plan wasn’t too perfect, Kirstie. It was wildlyimperfect. You also have an F.
Danny: [ defensive ] Hey, man! I know where you’re going next. And I didn’t get my paper off the internet!
Teacher: Oh?
Danny: All those words are mine!
Teacher: Well, technically, Danny, you’re somewhat right. Um.. your paper on “The Great Gatsby” begins with what seems to be an e-mail that you wrote to your older brother. [ holds paper up ] It reads: “Hey, bro! You remember Mr. Butthole’s class? I have my final paper due, and I was wondering if you have an old copy of yours anywhere. If you do, I’d like to put my name on the top of it and turn it in as my own. How’s college? Talk to you later, skater. Danny.”
Danny: [ offended by the accusation, but with nothing better to say in his defense ] You shouldn’t read other people’s e-mails, dude..
Teacher: [ sighs ] You shouldn’t submit them to teachers. You also get an F.
Danny: [ flustered with himself ] Aw, damn! Where did I go wrong?!
Teacher: [ mocks thinking about it ] Hmm.. I think it’s pretty clear where you went wrong, uh.. but for future reference, you might want to copy the content of the paper into a Word document, rather than printing it straight off the Hotmail web page. [ turns the page around to reveal color photo of his Hotmail e-mail page ] That makes it pretty clear that it was an e-mail.
Kirstie: You.. you are good, dude..
Teacher: [ modestly ] Not really. [ Peter enters the class tardy ] Oh, Peter! I, uh.. don’t really know what to say to you..
Peter: Then, uh.. don’t say anything, man..
Teacher: Well, uh.. I’m afraid I can’t do that. You were supposed to write a paper on the book “1984”.
Peter: That’s what I did.
Teacher: Mmm.. no, you didn’t.
Peter: Yeah, man.. I did.
Teacher: You most certainly didn’t.
Peter: Then, uh.. what’s that in your hand?
Teacher: [ holds up multiple pages of supposed report ] It’s a seven-page paper that seems to have been printed directly off ESPN.com. Um.. the book “1984” is never even mentioned. There.. ah, there are also some pictures of Mike Piazzo, which I doubt you took.
Peter: Yeah, well.. I did take them.
Teacher: [ impressed ] Oh. Well, then, your name must be Phil Steins, and you must work for the Associated Press. ‘Cause that’s who the photos are credited to.
Peter: [ meekly ] That’s right.
Teacher: So.. your name is both Peter Reed and Phil Steins?
Peter: Yep.
Kirstie: Nice! [ high-fives Peter ]
Teacher: And what’s with the AP?
Peter: That’s the deal, man!
Teacher: Ohh.. How about if I call the AP and ask if you work there?
Peter: [ confidently ] Suit yourself.
Kirstie: Ha! Nice!
Teacher: [ picks up phone from his desk ] Oh, hey – what’s your work number, Phil Steins?
Peter: [ quickly ] 5-5-5-0-1-7-9.
[ Teacher dials the number, as Kirstie’s cell phone can be heard ringing in the back of the classroom. Kirstie and Danny work out what they think is a clever way to pass it over to Peter unnoticed by the teacher ]
Teacher: What can I do for you, Mr. Steins?
Peter: [ anxious ] Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: No, you can’t.
Peter: [ fakes a cough, then quickly answers his cellphone unnoticed while raising the pitch of his voice ] Associated Press.
Teacher: Hello. I was hoping you could help me out.
Peter: I’ll try..
Teacher: Um.. do you have a photographer named Phil Steins, who is also a high school student who calls himself Peter Reed?
Peter: Mmm.. yes indeed.
Teacher: Well, thank you. You’ve been very helpful. Um.. there’s a certain young man I owe an apology to.
Peter: [ pushing it ] Well, you better go do that!
Teacher: Oh, one last thing: What is the Associated Press?
Peter: [ stuck ] ..The Association.. of magazines and newspapers.. or, maybe.. a kind of machine.. like, perhaps, a camera.
Teacher: Hmm.. Okay, thanks. That’s what I thought.
Peter: Goodbye. [ hangs up ]
[ Kirstie and Danny high-five peter, proud that you pulled off his stunt against the teacher ]
Peter: Hey, uh.. so what’s my grade?
Teacher: You’re also getting an F for cheating.
Danny, Kirstie, Peter: [ bewildered ] What..? How did you do that..? Are you psychic..?!
Teacher: [ sighs ] One last tip, okay? Don’t high-five each other every time you think you pulled one over on me. It doesn’t help your cause.
Danny: [ flustered ] DAMN!!
Teacher: Also, anyone who copied a User Review off of Amazon will be getting an F.
Count Chocula…..Jimmy Fallon Wife…..Rachel Dratch Doctor…..Will Forte
[ Open on shots of seniors playing horseshoes, then eating breakfast in the morning, as pleasant music plays ]
Jingle:It’s a golden way, to start your golden day …
Male V/O: Breakfast has always been the most important meal of the day. But in our later years, we need a cereal specially formulated to meet our changing needs.
[ Shot of cereal being poured into a bowl ]
Male V/O: So, if you’re an active senior looking to start the day right …
[ Shot of the product ]
Male V/O: … reach for a bowl of new Count Chocula Silver.
[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula in the front yard, playing fetch with his dog ]
Count Chocula: Atta boy, puppy, good dog. [ walks towards the camera ] Hi! I’m Count Chocula.
[ SUPER: “COUNT CHOCULA / Corporate Spokesman, Active Senior” ]
Count Chocula: You know, when you get to be my age, people start telling you to slow down. But the way I see it, I’m just getting started. Bwa-ah-ah-ah!
[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula indoors, at the table ]
Count Chocula: That’s why I developed new Count Chocula Silver. [ Close-up of the box ] It’s got the fiber and vitamins seniors need to reduce cholesterol and the risk of heart disease, because like it or not, there comes a time when you need to consider your health. [ he sets the box on the table ] You see, awhile back, I had a real scare.
[ Count Chocula narrates flashbacks of himself as somber music plays: he wakes up in the middle of the night and clutches his abdomen; he gets examined by the doctor ]
Count Chocula V/O: I was waking up with cramps. I was sluggish and irregular. I went to see my doctor and he told me that he was going to have to run some tests.
[ In the doctor’s office, the doctor displays a chart detailing the risk factor of Men, Vampires, and Chocolate Vampires ]
Count Chocula V/O: He said many men my age were at high risk for colon cancer, and that, as a Chocolate Vampire, my risk could be even higher.
[ He sits in the examination room, looking nervous ]
Count Chocula V/O: I’ll be honest … I was scared.
[ Back to him in the kitchen ]
Count Chocula: I mean, I’m 178 years old and … all I’ve ever eaten is sugar-coated crap. [ holds up a bowl ] Bowls of it.
[ Back to the examination room ]
Count Chocula V/O: When the doctor said he had the test results, my life flashed before my eyes. But then he said, [ the doctor mouths the words ] “Count Chocula, you’re fine.“
[ Back to Count Chocula sitting at the table with the cereal. The happy music resumes ]
Count Chocula: And I intend to stay that way, by keeping my colon healthy. You see, Count Chocula Silver works with your body, to keep you regular, gently softening your stool, while adding bulk to your movements for easier elimination. Plus … it has kooky marshmallow bats! Bwa-ah-ah-ah-ah! [ becomes serious ] Your health is your future. Make sure you’re around to enjoy it.
[ His wife and grandkids approach him as he eats, and he does his trademark laugh again. They all gather for a generic happy pose, followed by a final shot of the product ]
Jingle:…Count Chocula Silver!
Male V/O: Brought to you by General Mills, makers of Frankenberry for Post-Menopausal Women.
The Falconer…..Will Forte The Muskrateer…..Ashton Kutcher …..Tracy Morgan …..Ashton Kutcher …..Dean Edwards …..Lorne Michaels
Announcer V/O: [ over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.
[ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]
The Falconer: Oh, Donald. It has been an atypically uneventful period, here in our forest bower. Food is plentiful, and I am not trapped beneath a tree. Together, we’ve created a perfect harmony in nature.. and I can’t think of anything that could ruin it. [ suddenly, a muskrateer and his muskrat enter from the bush ] Hark! Who goes there!
The Muskrateer: I go here. And if you want to know my story..
Announcer V/O: [ over Muskarateer slide cards ] In 1993, Ted Abernathy was a marketing executive in Bethesda, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his life cpartner and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Muskrateer”.
The Muskrateer: Now that you know who we are.. who, in Heaven’s name, are you?
The Falconer: If you must know..
Announcer V/O: [ voice is sped up over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.
[ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]
The Muskrateer: Well, Falconer! What are you doing on our parcel of land?!
The Falconer: Your parcel of land?! Donald and I have been calling this land home for nigh on eleven years!
The Muskrateer: It appears that we are at an impasse!
The Falconer: And how shall it be resolved?!
The Muskrateer: In accordance with the laws of the forest! My muskrat against your falcon, in a contest of strength, guile and speed! winner takes all!
The Falconer: Be it so! ] to Donald ] Donald, don’t be afraid to take it to the limit.. one more time!
[ Donald squawks ]
The Muskrateer: [ to his muskrat ] Tear him apart, Galen! Feather by feather! [ Galen squeals ]
The Falconer: Let the gaaaaaammmmes begin!!
[ dissolve to the contests – starts with Galen and Donald in a sack race; Galen in a sugar sack, Donald in a flour sack ]
[ dissolve to Galen and Donald running across the forest with eggs balanced on spoons ]
[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing table hockey ]
[ dissolve to Donald and Galen competing with electronic robots, Donald knocking Galen’s robot’s head off ]
[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing Scrabble – Glane spells out “Muskrateer”, which Donald challenges with the official Scrabble dictionary ]
[ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing quarters – Galen sips beers through a straw, then vomits profusely; Falcon squaks victoriously ]
[ dissolve to The Falconer and The Muskrateer surrounding their animal companions in the forest ]
The Muskrateer: Wellllllll.. Falconer! We find ourselves at an even draw, which brings us to our pre-determined tie-breaker!
The Falconer: So, it does, Muskrateer.. so it does! [ to Donald ] Donald.. remember your training!
[ Falcon and Muskrat have their finale over a game of Jenga; Falcon successfully moves his piece ]
The Falconer: Sweet Mariah!!
The Muskrateer: Galen.. whatever you do.. don’t visualize that tower collapsing!
[ Muskrat pulls his piece, but the tower topples; Falcon squawks victoriously ]
The Falconer: Victory is OURS!!
The Muskrateer: Falconer.. Donald.. it appears you have defeated us – this time.
The Falconer: Oh, Donald! Congratulations! We did it! [ Falcon squawks his disapproval ] Fine! You did it! Oh, Donald.. meanwhile, this little patch of heaven remains ours, for at least another day! And, until then.. you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..
Announcer V/O: The Falconer!
[ scene fades to black ]
[ scene pots up from black to reveal Ashton Kutcher tearing off his fake beard and exiting the Falconer sketch. Tracy Morgan approaches him ]
Tracy Morgan: Hey, hey, hey! Big Daddy!
Ashton Kutcher: Alright, Tracy!
Tracy Morgan: Nice show so far, Ash-ton!
Ashton Kutcher: Oh, hey, man.. I’m sorry your sketch, “Big Black Guy” got cut out.
Tracy Morgan: Aw, don’t sweat it. I’ll do it next week – it’s perfect for Adrien Brody! Hey, man, I was flippin’ around, and I saw you on that show!
Ashton Kutcher: Oh, “The 70’s Show”!
Tracy Morgan: No, I don’t watch that crap! It’s that show where you play pranks on celebrities.
Ashton Kutcher: Ahhhh, you mean “Punk’d”?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah, yeah! I saw the one with Pink!
Ashton Kutcher: Ohhh.. yeah, yeah! Where she thought her boyfriend got arrested for stealing a motorcycle?
Tracy Morgan: [ laughing outrageously ] Yeah, she was scared! That was hi-lar-ious!
Ashton Kutcher: Wicked! Awesome!
Tracy Morgan: Hey, listen.. I got an idea for you.
Ashton Kutcher: Cool, what it is?
Tracy Morgan: You ever “Punk” me, and I will beat your ass!
Tracy Morgan: No, I ain’t playin’! I will beat your ass!
Ashton Kutcher: [ getting more nervous ] Look, I promise you, Tracy.. I’m not gonna do that.. I respect you too much..
Tracy Morgan: Oh, really? So, why are all these cameras around here?
Ashton Kutcher: [ looks at the cameras, confused ] Well.. they-they’re for the show.. “Saturday Night Live”.. [ chuckles nervously ] Look, I swear to you I would never do that to you! I respect you way too much!
Tracy Morgan: Yeah.. so, who you gonna punk? Dean?
[ Dean Edward enters scene looking pissed at the mention of his name ]
Dean Edwards: Yo! Who gonna “Punk” me?!
Tracy Morgan: Ash-ton! He said he gonna “Punk”.. you.. out!
Dean Edwards: Say what?
Ashton Kutcher: No! I did not say that! Tracy, tell him I did not say that!
Tracy Morgan: Not only is he gonna “Punk” you out, he’s gonna film it!
Ashton Kutcher: [ exasperated ] I am not!!
Dean Edwards: Well, then, what’s with all these cameras, man!
Tracy Morgan: Yeah! That’s what I said!
Ashton Kutcher: You guys..! Again.. they’re for the show! “Saturday Night.. Live..!” [ looks around desperately, as Lorne Michaels approaches ] Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: What’s wrong?
Tracy Morgan: He tryin’ to “Punk” us out on his hidden camera show!
Lorne Michaels: Bad idea, Ashton.
Ashton Kutcher: No! I am not trying to “Punk” him! Look.. this is all just a big misunderstanding.. They think that these cameras are from my show.. So.. just tell them..
Lorne Michaels: I’ve never seen these cameras before in my life.
Tracy Morgan: Oh, it’s on now, BITCH!!
Lorne Michaels: Ashton, I would run if I were you.
Ashton Kutcher: [ petrified ] Yes, sir..! [ runs like the wind ]
[ Tracy, Dean and Lorne all share a laugh over the way they “Punk’d” Ashton ]
Dean Edwards: [ to Tracy ] Yo! Did you how scared he was! [ laughs ]
Tracy Morgan: [ to Dean ] Sent his “Punk” ass back to the West Coast! [ laughs ]
Lorne Michaels: [ to Tracy and Dean ] We really fixed his wagon, huh, fellas! [ no response ] You don’t mess with the 2-1-2, huh? [ no response, hangs his head shamefully ] It’s an orange soda, right?
Tracy Morgan: [ nods ] Right.
Dean Edwards: Yo! Make that two, man!
Lorne Michaels: [ weakly ] Right.. [ walks away to perform his errand for his boys, then meekly re-approaches Dean ] When you say “two”, did you mean that you want two.. or is that one for Tracy.. and you want two for- [ Dean and Tracy give a dirty look, so Lorne retreats to take his chances ]
[ Tracy and Dean laugh and chat together as the scene fades ]
Ashton Kutcher: Thank you 50 Cent, and G-Unit and Nate Dogg. Thank you to Lorne, for making a little boy’s dream come true tonight! I appreciate that. I love you all, thank you to the cast – you guys were great! And thank you out there, you’re the best!
Matt Lauer…..Seth Meyers Madonna…..Amy Poehler Voice…..Ashton Kutcher
Announcer: Tonight: a “Dateline” special. Madonna: An American Life. Here’s Matt Lauer.
[ dissolve to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]
Matt Lauer: Good evening. I’m Matt Lauer, and.. no.. Katie is not here. She’s not coming. I can host things by myself. So, please.. give me a break.
Madonna. Two decades later, and she is still as fearless as ever. We sat down with the boy toy turned yummy mommy to see how her life.. has changed.
[ dissolve to Matt at sit-down interview with Madonna in another studio ]
Matt Lauer: You look wonderful. You seem great.
Madonna: I am great. I have a wonderful family. and I’ve never been happier.
Matt Lauer: Madonna, you’ve been famous for so long. You’re 44 years old now. How does it feel to be so old?
Madonna: Sometimes bad.. sometimes sad. Always old.
Matt Lauer: What is a day with the old Madonna like? What is her typical schedule?
Madonna: My day is like everyone else’s. Two hours of yoga.. an hour of intense Kabalah study.. followed by underwater pilates.. tea and scones.. a three-hour argument with Guy Ritchie in the street.. my children’s pilates.. and.. I usually end the day by having a three-way with Sting and Trudy Styles.
[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]
Matt Lauer: Madonna. The old broad seemed as feisty as ever. And I was doing pretty well without Katie. I spoke to Madonna about her career choices. And here’s what the 50-year old pop icon had to say.
[ dissolve back to Matt at the sit-down interview with Madonna in another studio ]
Matt Lauer: You’re 58 years old. Anything you regret in your life?
Madonna: I don’t like to use the word “regret”. I feel that one can never regret their art. They can only desperately wish that they had not.. shaved their art.. taken pictures of their art.. and put their art in a book.
Matt Lauer: So, you have no regrets?
Madonna: No.
Matt Lauer: You don’t regret “Dick Tracy”?
Madonna: Nope.
Matt Lauer: “Shanghai Surprise”?
Madonna: Never saw it.
Matt Lauer: Dennis Rodman.
Madonna: He led the league in rebounding.
Matt Lauer: You’re telling me you don’t regret.. “Swept Away”?
Madonna: [ sighs ] “Swept Away” was the kind of movie that was.. not supposed to be good.. and, if people can’t understand that.. well, then, I just don’t know..! [ laughs ]
[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]
Matt Lauer: Madonna. The 62-year old who never stops re-inventing herself. She took a moment to show me.. how she’s learning to play the guitar.
[ dissolve to Madonna holding steady to an acoustic guitar ]
Madonna: [ strumming her guitar off-key ] It’s really important to get out of your “comfort zone”. I’ve made a lot of progress.
[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]
Matt Lauer: Madonna. 70 years young. Despite her decision to pull her controversial video, “American Life”, the album debuted at #1. When she performed her in-store concert.. “Dateline”.. was there.
[ dissolve back to Madonna performing her in-store concert at Tower Records ]
Madonna: [ plucking guitar ] “American Life!” [ customers applaud politely ] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for coming out to Tower Records, do you have any requests?
Voice: “Like A Virgin”!
Madonna: [ surprised ] Oh.. I don’t know.. I haven’t sung that one in a while! Is that still a song any more? [ laughs, as two-man band plays behind her ] I’ll try it.. [ singing ] “Like a vi-i-i-irgi-i-i-innn.. touched for the very first-” [ changes pitches of her voice ] Gotta find my key.. [ samples different pitches until she’s back on track ] Like a.. like a.. like a.. like a-” There it is! “Like a vir-r-r-r..” That’s not it.. [ begins singing with a deep voice, then stops ] You guys suck!
[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]
Matt Lauer: There you have it. Madonna. Sexy. Fearless. 80 years old, with a vagina closing in on a hundred. I’m Matt Lauer, and.. yes.. I’m going to keep my hair like this for a while. And, no.. I don’t know when it’s going to grow back. And, yes.. my wife likes it. And, no.. Katie is not as nice in person. Good night.
[ Kutcher comes running onto Home Base, apparently unaware that he’s not wearing any pants ]
Ashton Kutcher: Thank you, thank you! Man, it is fan-tast-ic to be in New York City! Hosting has this show has been a dream of mine for, like.. I don’t even know how long! What.. like, eight months? And now, it’s finally happening! You don’t even.. this is a dream come true!
[ tight shot on Kutcher’s face, as thoughts race through his mind ]
Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: Oh, my God! I’m so pumped! Oh, my God, I’m so pumped! Everything is going perfectly.. Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?
Ashton Kutcher: And now.. I’m hosting! This is.. this casr is amazing! I can’t beleive the job they do here every week! I mean, there’s so much to remember! you always feel like you’re going to forget something, like.. I don’t know.. like, your lines.. is it cool to make gay jokes around Kattan.. it’s unbelievable! You know.. it’s a lotcolder in here than I thought it would be..
Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: I bet I forgot to zip my zipper.. Okay.. be cool.. check your zipper. Raise your hand.. slowly.. no one os noticing.. nooo.. I forgot the zipper altogether. Okay. I’m not wearing any pants. Cripes! Oh, God! Be cool. Do what everyone came here to see you do.. your fantastic impressions!
Ashton Kutcher: Soooo.. I was thinking about performing with 50 Cent tonight, annnd.. since Eminem couldn’t make it, and they’re kind of like partners.. I was thinking I could just, like, jump in on one of his songs, like, as Eminem.. like.. you know.. like, uh.. just be like.. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake!” Yeah, or like, like.. “I love you like Baby Hailey in a Vicadin break! I love you like Pamela loves Kid Rock! I love you like Jenny loves the block!” Just something like that, maybe..
[ Maya Rudolph appears on stage ]
Maya Rudolph: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Ashton Kutcher: Hey! Maya Rudolph, everybody!
Maya Rudolph: Hi, baby, how are you? So, what’s up? How’s about a.. how’s about a hug for Mama, huh? [ they hug ]
Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: Ohhh.. this is not good.. No hugging the ladies in the tightie-whities.. Abort! Abort!
Ashton Kutcher: [ coming back ] Oh.. yeah.
Maya Rudolph: Are you doing alright, Ashton?
Ashton Kutcher: Yeah! Yeah! I’m good! Um.. let’s save the hugging for the party!
Maya Rudolph: Ha-ah! Absolutely!
[ Chris Parnell jumps on stage ]
Chris Parnell: Hey, how about a hug for Papa?
Ashton Kutcher: Uh.. may-maybe not now, Chris..
Chris Parnell: Okay. [ chuckles ] Fair enough. Then, uh.. do you mind if I wtch the rest of your monologue from over there in that dark corner?
Ashton Kutcher: Knock yourself out, man.
Chris Parnell: I just might! [ chuckles ]
Ashton Kutcher: Alright.. I gotta get some clothes on. So, you stick around.. we got a great show, and I promise I won’t forget anything else! 50 Cent is here..And we will be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 28: Episode 19 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 10th, 2003 Adrien Brody Sean Paul Wayne Wonder None Elliot Brody Sylvia Plachy Emily Spivey American IdolSummary: Ryan Seacrest (Jimmy Fallon) repeatedly cuts away to commercial instead of announcing the big winner. Recurring Characters: Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson Transcript
Montage
Adrien Brody’s MonologueSummary: Adrien Brody kisses women in the audienc and, thanks his mom, Sylvia Plachy. Bio: Photographer Sylvia Plachy (1943-) has had portraits and photo essays published in The Village Voice, The New Yorker, and other art periodicals. Transcript
Mom JeansSummary: The shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman. Transcript
Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) fears that a hairless cat will shave his head. Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow. Transcript
Self-Involved GUySummary: A self-obsessed man (Chris Kattan) creeps out his date (Rachel Dratch).
Live With Regis & KellySummary: Wild, Wild Trivia winner Pete Sokolov (Adrien Brody) has barely survived his dangerous prize vacation. Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Gelman. Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s spoof of Middle Eastern cartoons, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are sneaky partners in crime. Transcript
Sean Paul performs “Get Busy”
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Qrplt*xk (Rachel Dratch) is a creepy “X-Men 2” reject. Elton John (Horatio Sanz) sings his lyrics for a musical about the Vampire Lestat. Recurring Characters: Qrplt*xk, Elton John. Transcript
LensmastersSummary: Rude employees Sebastian (Adrien Brody) and Roland (Chris Kattan) show their offbeat glasses creations to a woman (Amy Poehler).
Dance ClassSummary: Adult students take dance lessons. Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Ruth Weinstock, A.J., Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez.
Wayne Wonder performs “No Letting Go”
Velvet ProductionsSummary: The homoerotic pornographic film review board members can’t think of a unique title for their version of “The Pianist.” Transcript
Brian Fellows…..Tracy Morgan Sean Buckley…..Adrien Brody Fred Clark…..Chris Kattan
(Theme music plays)
Jingle: “He loves animals and they love him back. Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding mac. Brian fellows safari planet, Brian Fellows safari Planet.”
Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a 6th grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his love on BRIAN FELLOW, BRIAN FELLOW, BRIAN FELLOWS SAFARI PLANET
Brian Fellow: Good evening! And welcome to Brian Fellows Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow! Tonight were gonna meet some animals that are very weird. And that scares me! But it also excites me. So lets get going! Our first guest likes to take naps and lick himself. Please welcome a kitty cat!
(Sean Buckley walks in holding a hairless cat)
Brian Fellow: and who are you?
Sean Buckley: HI! I’m Sean Buckley, from the San Antonio Feline Society or SAFS.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Sean Buckley: hello Brian, I’d like you to meet Shiba.
Brian Fellow: What did you do to that cat? He’s bald-headed! Haha
Sean Buckley: well actually, it’s a special breed of cats that’s hairless.
Brian Fellow: That’s Crazy!
Sean Buckley: well yes he is very unusual looking, yes.
Brian Fellow: he makes me laugh cause he looks like an old guy in a hospital!
Sean Buckley: well I don’t know why that would make you laugh, but Shiba is a very special breed called a Sphinx.
Brian Fellow: If I was that cat, I would wear a wig or something.
Sean Buckley: I don’t think he minds being hairless —
Brian Fellow: well whatever you do don’t take that cat to a baseball game.
Sean Buckley: I wasn’t planning on it.
Brian Fellow: well don’t. cause when the mascot goes up into the stands, they always make fun of the bald guys.
Sean Buckley: Ok thanks for the advice —
Brian Fellow: they would probably polish his head or give him a toupee made of silly string.
Sean Buckley: ok well these are hairless cats and there very popular with cat fanciers, who love cats but are sometimes allergic to the fur.
Brian Fellow: That’s what cats look like under their fur?
Sean Buckley: basically yes.
Brian Fellow: That’s creepy! Cats have been lying to us all these years? I don’t think I like cats anymore!
Sean Buckley: don’t say that! Cats makes really great pets.
Brian Fellow: cats are all fluffy on the outside but underneath they look like martians! That’s it! Take him away!
Sean Buckley: Don’t listen to him Shiba.
Brian Fellow: get that deceitful beast out of here! Our next guest likes to fly around and eat cereal, please welcome a toucan!
(Chris Kattan comes in holding a bird cage with a toucan inside)
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Fred Clark: I’m Fred Clark from the Norfolk Bird-a-rama in Virginia.
Brian Fellow: Hello Virginia. And yes there is a santa clause you must get that a lot.
Fred Clark: actually I don’t, because my name is not Virginia its Fred.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Fred Clark: Hello Brian. I’d like you to meet Ursula. Ursula is a keel-billed toucan and his long beak gives him a very distinct look.
Brian Fellow: He’s got crazy pigeon eyes!
Fred Clark: well most people usually notice his huge yellow, green and black bill
Brian Fellow: he can have any color he wants but those black beady eyes give him away! He’s mean!
Fred Clark: toucans are actually very friendly birds
Brian Fellow: I was attacked by a pigeon once.
Fred Clark: I’m sorry
Brian Fellow: that’s Ok, I was asking for it
Fred Clark: well I don’t think you have to worry about being attacked by these birds, because toucans mainly live in the forests of Puerto Rico
Brian Fellow: Why do Puerto Ricans love birds so much?
Fred Clark: I didn’t know that they did
Brian Fellow: They do! There always naming them. If my friend Angel was here, he’d probably name that bird Charles. I don’t know why that’s funny! But its funny!
Fred Clark: ok
Brian Fellow: no offense if your name is Charles, Virginia!
Fred Clark: its not, my name is Fred and again the bird is named UrsulaBrian Fellow: so tell us about that birds beak, it looks strong! Is that to allow it to feed on a variety of tropical fruits while also presenting a display of vibrant colors for potential mates?
Fred Clark: yea that is exactly right! The toucans bill is amazingly dextrous….
(a thought bubble appears over Brian’s head and it shows the hairless cat in it)
Cat: you made fun of me for being bald, well now I’m gonna take your hair! (the cat points a razor at Brian)
Brian Fellow: YOU WILL NOT SHAVE ME!
Fred Clark: I wasn’t planning on it
Brian Fellow: I was talking to that bald headed cat.
Fred Clark: of course you were
(the cat comes back in the thought bubble, this time showing the cat shaving Brian’s head)
Cat: hahaha have fun at the baseball game Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: No! was it all a dream? Or was it? I was cause I’m not bald headed
Fred Clark: I think I should go —
Brian Fellow: That’s the show for today, join me next time when my guests will be a jack rabbit and a tapeworm! That’s sounds Crazy. I’m Brian Fellow!
Theme music: “Brian Fellow Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!”
Air Date:
