Category: 2002

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

[ presented in the Iraqi language, with English subtitles ]

[ open on “Saddam & Osama” title card ]

Announcer: It’s the Abu Dhabi Kids Network! State-run and gobs of fun.

Jingle:
“Saddam & Osama!
On the run from American imperialist pig-eaters.
Satan tries to catch them
But they are endowed with amazing transforming powers.
Glory be to Allah!
Saddam & Osama!”

[ dissolve to Saddam and Osama sharing soup in the desert with a nomad ]

Saddam Hussein: Ah.. this soup will sustain us.

Nomad: Anything to help Super-Titans of Jihad!

Osama bin Laden: Your people are loyal, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Yes. [ over flashback statue footage ] Like the time I turned into a statue, and had to get all of Baghdad to play along by hitting me with shoes!

Osama bin Laden: Yes! All the world was fooled!

[ cut to CIA Headquarters, where cowboy hat-clad CIA members type on computers ]

CIA Agent #1: It appears Hussein is 13 degrees northwest of Mosul.

CIA Agent #2: Excellent! Alert the general, as we fornicate.

[ the two CIA agents begin to make out ]

[ cut to the White House ]

President George W. Bush: [ in the image of a monkey ] Boo-hoo-hoo! If me don’t capture Arab soon, me going to crap myself!

Dick Cheney: [ eating a whole, roasted pig ] All is well, sir. Soon, we will rename Iraq East Dakota.

President George W. Bush: Too many words. No understand.

Dick Cheney: I will alert Israeli Prime Minister Sharon. [ looks below desk ] Mr. Sharon, we’ve located them.

Prime Minister Sharon: [ rises from behind the desk, wearing only a large diaper ] Fantastic!

Dick Cheney: Who told you to stop?

Prime Minister Sharon: Yes, sir. [ drops back behind the desk ]

[ dissolve back to the desert, as a pigeon in a beret delivers a letter to Saddam ]

Saddam Hussein: Cracky! Good to see you, old friend!

Osama bin Laden: Why the long face, Saddam?

Saddam Hussein: It’s a letter from my wives. How I miss them.

Osama bin Laden: I miss mine. But, look – there is no time for tears. [ points to arriving American tanks ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “Saddam & Osama” will return after these messages..

[ dissolve to commercials ]

Announcer: Next, on Abu Dhabi Kids..

[ show scenes from a Bat-Man cartoon ]

Announcer: Bat-Man faces not one.. but four treacherous villains as he battles..

[ show The Joker ]

The Jew..

..and also does battle with..

[ show The Riddler ]

..the other Jew..

As they join forces with..

[ show The Penguin ]

The little old Jew. Next on.. “Bat-Man”.

[ cut to “Martyrs” title card ]

Announcer: Then, on “The Martyrs”, Halabi has too much ice cream and is far too happy.

Halabi: Not again! How am I going to eat all this delicious ice cream..?

Voice of Allah: That’s your problem, Halabi. But don’t neglect your seventy virgins.

[ seventy copies of the Olson Twins suddenly surround Halabi ]

Olson Virgins: Please hurry, Halabi!!

Halabi: Allah, you spoil me..

[ cut to “Disney Favorites” card, with Information Minister Mohammed standing foreground ]

Announcer: Then, it’s “Disney Favorites”, hosted by the Information Minister Mohammed.

Information Minister Mohammed: The Queen has arrived and has beheaded the dwarves, I swear by God, she remains the fairest of them all. Snow White and the Prince have committed suicide, and God will roast their stomachs in Hell.

Announcer: On “Disney Favorites”.

[ cut to intercut images of kids dancing with decal-designed rocks and Iraqis throwing the same rocks at American tanks ]

Jingle: Rocks! Rocks! Rocks!
They come with cool decals
and cool flourescent colors.
Then you throw them at the soldiers.
Collect them all!
Rocks!

[ cut back to “Saddam & Osama” title card ]

Announcer: And now, back to “Saddam & Osama”.

[ the American tanks move in fast ]

Saddam Hussein: It’s go-time, Sammy!

[ Saddam & Osama grab and make their power chant ]

Saddam & Osama: Power, power!

[ Saddam morphs into a goat, as Osama morphs into a bag of pork rinds ]

American General: [ passing Osama/pork rinds in his tank ] Wait.. were those pork rinds? [ wags tongue and turns his tank around ] Infidelicious!

Saddam Hussein: Osama, no!

Osama bin Laden: Uh-oh.. bad choice.

[ Saddam morphs into the car from “The Duke’s Of Hazzard”. Osama/pork rinds jumps inside ]

Saddam & Osama: Hee-haw!

[ they jump over the hills and escape ]

Osama bin Laden: You saved my holy butt.

Saddam Hussein: Can I have one pork rind?

Osama bin Laden: [ stern ] Sad-dam…

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Saddam & Osama”!

[ credits roll, numerous names written in the Iraqi language except for one credit to Sean Penn as a writer ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Goodnights

…..Adrien Brody

Adrien Brody: Yo! I wanna give a special thanks to my man Sean Paul! [ audience cheers ] And Wayne Wonder. I wanna thank my Mom and my Dad.. I want to thank the whole crew and the cast, everybody’s been really wonderful. And don’t forget to check out my new film – June 6th – it’s called “Love The Hard Way”. God bless, I love you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

American Idol

Ryan Seacrest…..Jimmy Fallon
Kimberly Locke…..Rachel Dratch
Clay Aiken…..Chris Kattan
Ruben…..Tracy Morgan
Mya…..Maya Rudolph
Joshua Gracin…..Jeff Richards
Simon Cowell…..Chris Parnell
Paula Abdul…..Amy Poehler
Randy Jackson…..Dean Edwards

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome back to “American Idol”, I’m super-sexy Ryan Seacrest! Before the break, we found out that Kimberly Locke lost to Clay Aiken on Round 2 tonight. But.. last night, Randy said, “Dog.. you sing like a dog, Dog. You did your dog thing.” Paula said, “Your voice is like a rainbow, and you let your light shine.” Simon said, “Your voice is more Broadway that pop, and you look like somehow Martin Short, Miss Jane Hathaway and Strawberry Shortcake all had a baby together.” Did America agree? We’ll find out, right after this message from Coca-Cola.

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the “American Idol” set ]

Ryan Seacrest: We’re back, live, on “American Idol”! I’m here with Clay Aiken and Kimberly Locke. One of them’s going home tonight. The only one safe.. is Ruben. How you doin’ over there, Ruben?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: How you feelin’, Kimberly? Are you nervous?

Kimberly: No, ’cause.. I know I’m gonna lose!

Clay Aiken: [ consoling ] Don’t say that, Kimberly.. it may very well be me.. [ looks to the camera and winks with a smile ]

Ryan Seacrest: I know who’s going home? Should I tell you? Are you ready to find out? [ looks off-camera ] Ruben? Are you ready?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: America, are you ready to find out! [ audience cheers ] Huh? Are you ready! Then let’s find our right n- after this commercial break! [ audience groans ]

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the “American Idol” set ]

Ryan Seacrest: You’re watching “American Idol”! If you just tuned in, I’m Botoxed heartthrob Ryan Seacrest! We’re about to find out which of these two talented singers will be eliminated tonight. America voted.. but, first.. we’ve got a special videotaped message for you from last week’s finalist – Joshua Gracin. Let’s take a look!

[ dissolve to the videotape of Joshua dressed in camoflauge and standing in the Iraqi desert as gunfire can be heard volleying behind him ]

Joshua Gracin: Hey, I really miss you guys! I’m over here in Iraq now. People say the war’s over here, but.. I’ll tell you what – uh, some pretty screwed-up stuff is still going on. Uh.. I sure do miss y’all.. I even miss you, Simon.. [ gunfire shoots past ] Sonofabitch! Where is that coming from?! Uh… [ video image fades ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: Joshua Gracin. We miss you too, buddy! Ruben? Do you miss Josh?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: Reuben, are you ready?

[ cut to the portly Ruben sitting off to the side. He makes a two-fingered gesture to his lips ]

[ cut back to Ryan Seacrest ]

Ryan Seacrest: We’ll have the results.. when we come back. [ audience groans ]

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the “American Idol” set ]

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome back to “American Idol”, I’m Ryan Seacrest! We’ll be right back!

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the “American Idol” set ]

Ryan Seacrest: This is the moment we’ve been waiting for! Right here. [ looks off-stage ] Paula.. who do you think should be voted off tonight?

Paula Abdul: Uh.. I don’t think anyon should ever be voted off anything, ever!

Ryan Seacrest: Simon?

Simon Cowell: All I have to say is.. that I hate you, Ryan Seacrest.. and I hope you get SARS.

Ryan Seacrest: You hope I get SARS? You gonna give them to me, Simon? [ Simon ignores Ryan with contempt ] God, who peed in your corn flake? [ laughs smugly at his own amusement ] I did! [ laughs some more ] Randy?

Randy Jackson: Dog, Dog, Dog.. listen, Dog.. between these two dogs, Dog, my vote’s gonna have to be-

Ryan Seacrest: [ interrupting ] Randy, Randy, Randy, hold that thought! We’ll be right back!

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it re-al, come back to Earth!

[ dissolve back to the “American Idol” set ]

Ryan Seacrest: Welcome back to “American Idol”..

Kimberly: Can I just leave? Please? ‘Cause I know it’s gonna be me..

Clay Aiken: If she wants to go.. we should probably let her go. [ smiles confidently at the camera ]

Ryan Seacrest: Kimberly.. Clay.. you’ve been very patient. This is it! The votes have been tallied.. America has spoken. I’m gonna look down at the card.. and read the results. I will use my mouth to make sounds.. your ears will process these sounds as words.. and the meanings of these words will make it clear to you who has been eliminated.. on.. “American.. Idol”. Kimberly.. you are.. live.. from New York.. we’ll be right back!

[ dissolve out to the Coca-Cola commercial starring Mya ]

Mya: Try to make it.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Live With Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
Pete Sokolov…..Adrien Brody

Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got “Law & Order: SVU”‘s Mariska Hargitay, “All My Children”‘s Michael Ian Knight. Plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia winner Pete Sokolov. Now, here are Regis Philbin & Kelly Ripa!

[ dissolve to set, as Regis and Kelly enter and sit in their chairs ]

Regis Philbin: Good morning!

Kelly Ripa: Hello! Spring is here!

Regis Philbin: Good morning!

Kelly Ripa: Spring is here!

Regis Philbin: Good morning!

Kelly Ripa: Spring’s here!

Regis Philbin: Oh, boy! Welcome back! Kipa’s back!

Kelly Ripa: Hell-ooo!! [ audience applauds ] Thank you.. thank you.. thank you..!

Regis Philbin: Well, her maternity leave is over, and I understand you’ve got an important.. announcement to make – a new addition to her life?

Kelly Ripa: That’s right, Regis. I got.. BANGS!!

Regis Philbin: Thank God, I was afraid you were gonna say you got knocked-up again!!

Kelly Ripa: No more, Reege.. my husband says we are done. No more babies for at least six more months!

Regis Philbin: You heard it here first, folks.. no babies until October!

Kelly Ripa: No..

Regis Philbin: Alright. So, how are you this morning?

Kelly Ripa: You know, Regis, I am really tired, you know? What with the kids.. and the new baby.. and this show.. and the appearances on “Ed”.. and the shampoo commercials.. and my new sitcom.. and getting these bangs.. Whoo-oo, I’m tired!

Regis Philbin: Well, you look great. I mean, you never age.

Kelly Ripa: Awww!

Regis Philbin: You’re like Dorian Gray!

Kelly Ripa: Dorian Gray? Who is that, Reege?! I don’t know who that is!

Regis Philbin: Well, that’s fine.. How are you today, Gelman?

Gelman: [ daintily holding a parasol ] I’m great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: What’d you do this weekend, Gelman?

Gelman: Not much. We stayed in. My wife read her book, and, uh.. I goofed around on the internet.

Regis Philbin: You’re playing with fire, Gelman. [ Gelman stares back at Regis ] Now, I myself, had brunch at Tavern On The Green, with the Sedakas – Neil and Leila. Of course, you know Neil Sedaka?

Kelly Ripa: Yes, Neil Sedaka, the famous astronaut!

Regis Philbin: [ shaking his head ] Who’s our first guest today, Gelman?

Gelman: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia winner Pete Sokolov, Reege.

Regis Philbin: Oh, boy. This guy won one of our trips – a five-day hiking adventure in the Colorado Rockies. And he’s here to tell us all about it. Please welcome.. Pete Sokolov.

[ Pete Sokolov enters the set, with his left arm missing from under his jacket. He appears unhappy ]

Regis Philbin: Welcome, Pete!

Pete Sokolov: Thanks, Reege..

Regis Philbin: Soooo.. you went hiking in the Colorado Rockies. That must have been something else. It’s so picturesque.

Pete Sokolov: Well, yes.. it was very pretty out there at first..

Regis Philbin: Gorgeous!

Pete Sokolov: And then we got into a patch of bad weather, and had some unexpected snow..

Regis Philbin: Beautiful!

Pete Sokolov: And, uh.. well, we got trapped up there, and.. I don’t know if you read this in any of the papers.

Regis Philbin: I did not! Joy won’t let me read the papers because it makes my blood pressure go up.

Kelly Ripa: I get all my news from E! because I think newspapers are messy! And I don’t wanna get my HANDS DIRTY!! [ slaps and hugs on Regis ] Oh, regis! I’m so TIRED!!

Regis Philbin: I can tell!

Kelly Ripa: I could fall asleep on you RIGHT NOW!!

Regis Philbin: You sure?

Pete Sokolov: [ trying to continue with dignity ] Well.. it was in the papers, because, uh.. you know, I got pinned under a rock up there.. I had to cut my.. arm off with a credit card.

Regis Philbin: Why can’t I get one of those credit card commercials? Seinfeld’s got one.. Yao Ming’s got one, but I DON’T!! WHY?!

Kelly Ripa: Okay, anyway, anyway.. your arm is bloody.. go ahead.

Pete Sokolov: Yes. And, uh.. well, I made a homemade tourniquette, and I.. waited for help.. I had very little to eat.. the frostbite was unbearable.. and I began to pray for a pack of wolves, or a lightning bolt, or.. just. anything! Anything to end my misery and torment. I just closed my eyes.. and I made my peace with God..

Regis Philbin: Terr-if-ic! Gelman? Gelman? Would you do this Would you cut your arm off to escape being trapped?

Gelman: [ happily ] I haven’t yet, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Gelman, I’ve gotta ask you.. what’s with the parasol?

Gelman: I’m worried about SARS!

Kelly Ripa: Me, too! Me, too! I am against SARS! [ Regis is stunned by her outburst ] I HATE it!! Right, Reege?

Regis Philbin: Okay. That’s fair enough. [ turns to Pete ] Pete, I want to thank you for being here. Now, we can’t give you your arm back.. but we can give you these two wonderful tickets. Front row seats to see “Gypsy”, starring Bernadette Peters. Do you like musicals, Pete?

Pete Sokolov: Well, I-I love musicals! What, are you kidding me?! [ laughs happily ]

Regis Philbin: Yeah, well, it’s a wonderful show. Of course, I saw the original, starring Ethel Merman.

Kelly Ripa: Ethel Merman..?

[ this time, Regis joins Kelly for the dialogue he knows is coming ]

Together: Who IS that, Reege?! I don’t know who that IS!!

Regis Philbin: Well, when we come back.. [ Kelly wraps herself around Regis, groping accordingly ] You finished?

Kelly Ripa: NO!!

Regis Philbin: Mariska Hagababa is here-

Kelly Ripa: Hargitay!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Mom Jeans

Moms…..Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph
Dad…..Chris Parnell

[ open on a mom unloading the groceries from the back of the family van, as the kids run loose ]

Announcer: Are you looking for the perfect gift for Mom this Mother’s Day? Introducing Mom Jeans, exclusively at J.C. Penney.

Jingle: “Mom Jeans.. Mom Jeans..”

[ show four moms posing in the jeans ]

Announcer: Mom Jeans fit Mom just the way she likes it.

Jingle: “Mom Jeans.. Mom Jeans..”

[ show the extra-rounded shape of mom’s bottom in her new jeans ]

Announcer: She’ll love the 9-inch zipper and casual front pleats. Cut generously, to fit a mom’s body. She’ll want to wear them to everything, from a soccer game to a night on the town.

[ Dad frowns at the sight of Mom’s new jeans ]

Announcer: And with your choice of ankle length, Capri length or shorts, you’ll find the perfect jean for even the least active of moms.

Jingle: “Mom.. Mom Jeans..”

Announcer: So this Mother’s Day, don’t give Mom tht bottle of perfume. Give her something that says, “I’m not a woman any more. I’m a Mom.”

Jingle: “Giving up.. giving up.. put on your Mom Jeans.”

Announcer: Get a free Applique Mom Jeans Vest with every purchase. This weekend at J.C. Penney.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Adrien Brody’s Monologue

…..Adrien Brody
…..Sylvia Plachy

Adrien Brody: Hey, how are you doing tonight? [ begins to kiss various women in the audience ]

Thank you! Thank you very much, thank you! I’m so excited to be here tonight. [ crazed woman in the audience yells “You’re HOT!!” ] Ah, you’re hot! It’s an honor to be on “Saturday Night Live”.. [ another crazed audience members howls at the mere mention of the program’s title ] It’s great to be back in New York, where I’m from.. and my home. [ audience applauds ] I’ve got my wonderful parents here..

[ camera cuts to Brody’s parents – Elliot Brody and Sylvia Plachy – in the audience, as the audience applauds ]

Now by the time the show is over, it’s gonna be Mother’s Day.. so, Mom, I’m really happy you’re with me tonight. I love you. [ audience awwws ] Ladies and gentlemen, she was my date to the Academy Awards.. she was there at the Golden Globes.. she was at the premiere of “The Pianist”.. she’s here tonight to cheer me on.

Sylvia Plachy: My pleasure.

Adrien Brody: [ laughs ] And I’m so happy you’re with me, Mom.

Sylvia Plachy: I’m very glad to be here with you. But, you know, Adrien.. you’ll have to learn to go to these things on your own. Really.

Adrien Brody: [ embarrassed ] Mom..

Sylvia Plachy: You’re 30! You’re 30 years old! You can’t go everywhere with your mother.

Adrien Brody: Alright, Mom.. thanks.. You know, there was something that I just wanted to say to you at The Oscars, but I didn’t get a chance to, and, uh.. cause I didn’t have the time, and since it’s Mother’s Day, I would just like to say that-

[ the SNL Band interrupts Brody’s speech to play him to commercial ]

[ waving the band off ] Alright, come on! Guys, guys.. please.. I only get one chance here.. Don’t you people have mothers? [ clears his throat ] You know, Mom, I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.

[ audience applauds ]

Alright. Thank you. We’ve got a great show tonight, everybody. We’ve got Sean Paul here.. We’ve got Wayne Wonder here.. Alright, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Velvet Productions

Hector…..Adrien Brody
Toby…..Chris Parnell
Business Executive…..Amy Poehler
Norman…..Will Forte

[ open on interior meeting room, Velvet Productions ]

Hector: Alright, guys.. we’ve got a lot of work to do. There’s a bunch of hot, new guy-on-guy productions that just wrapped. It’s time to get ’em out for the new, traditional Father’s Day gay porn sales. We need to come up with titles for all of them today!

Toby: [ sighs ] That’s right folks, we better buckle down. These hardcore homosexual flicks ain’t gonna name themselves.

Business Executive: [ confused and uneasy about where she’s at ] I’m sorry.. I think I-I’m in the wrong meeting.. Is there also an architectural firm on this floor?

Hector: [ points out to hall ] Past Reception, down the right.

Business Executive: Okay, right, thanks, sorry.. [ scrambles to get out of the room as quickly as possible ]

Hector: Okay, now.. all the latest stuff that we shot are porn versions of recent popular movies. For instance, um.. we have a movie here, um.. based on “The X-Men”. Any, uh.. title suggestions?

Toby & Norman: [ in unison ] “The.. Sex-Men”!

Hector: Nice. That’s nice. I hope they’re all that easy. Any ideas for “Lord of the Rings”?

Norman: [ thinking ] Maybe, uh.. “Lord of the Rims“?

Hector: [ considering ] Well.. with the right cover photo, it could work.. yes. Moving on.. uh.. hmm.. “Sweet Home Alabama”?

Toby: Hmm.. “Sweet Home Alan’s Butthole“.

Hector: That was excellent, Toby! That was just excellent work! We’ll have to add a character named Alan, but it’s worth it!

Toby: Thank you, Hector.

Hector: how ’bout “Bend It Like Beckham”?

Norman: “Bend Over Like Beckham”!

Hector: That’s dynamite! “Gladiator”?

Toby: “Glad.. He.. Ate.. Him“.

Hector: We are just cooking with gas here, guys! Now.. the next one is.. “The Pianist”.

Hector: [ finally, a tough one. Toby and Norman struggle for ideas. ]

Toby: Huh..? “The Pianist“..

Norman: “The Pianist“..?

Hector: [ confidently ] “The Pianist“.

Toby: And this is a gay flick, too?

Hector: The gayest.

Norman: Gay porno based on “The Pianist“.. What to call it..?

Toby: “The Pianist“.. “The Pianist“.. Pianist.. Pianist.. Pianist..

Norman: Boy, this is a huge pickle..

Hector: Yes, that was a good movie.. but we really have to focus on “The Pianist”..

Norman: Well, uh.. what happens in it, plot-wise? Maybe that would help.

Hector: [ flipping through note cards ] Let’s see, uh.. ah! “A musician endowed with extraordinary sexual power is the center of a gay orgy in war-torn Europe.”

Toby: It sounds like a hot film.

Hector: It is.. real hot.

Norman: [ growing angry with himself ] Look, that doesn’t much matter if there’s no title, now does it?!

Hector: Norman, relax, alright.. we’re gonna get it.. we’re gonna get it, okay? I mean, remember how hard it was naming the porn version of “The Horse Whisperer”? Or.. “Monster’s Ball”? But we did it, we came up with “Monster’s Balls“. And we’re gonna get this one, too!

Norman: I know we will.. I know..

Hector: Look.. let’s just take a step back a minute, okay? Think of things.. that make you think about gay porn. You know? I mean, make a list, okay? [ flips over blackboard and erases some prior scribblings ] I’ll start, okay? See if this triggers anything. [ writes “Asses” on the board ] Asses. Ass. What else?

Toby: Moustache!

Norman: Beards!

Toby: Sideburns!

Norman: Handlebar moustaches!

Hector: I-I’ll just put “Hair”. [ writes it down ] Okay. My turn. [ thinking ] Gay porn.. naked dudes.. “Pianist”.. This is really getting us nowhere.. let’s just, uh.. let’s just try to get off- I mean, let’s get off piano. Wha-what’s like a piano?

Toby: Um.. annn.. organ..?

Hector: Organ? That’s no help, man. Dammit, this is so hard!

Norman: [ struggling ] “The.. Pi-an-ass?”

Toby: “Theeee.. Sex-Having Guy“..

Hector: You know.. why don’t we just stick a pin in this one for a while, and come back to it later?

Toby: Yeah, that’s a really good idea. What’s the next title we have to do?

Hector: Okay, the next one is.. a movie.. called “Holes”!

[ more confusion now present ]

Toby: Boy, this is gonna be a long night..

Hector: Well, then put the coffee on, Toby, because we’re not gonna be the ones who ruin Father’s Day!

Toby: [ sighs ] Okay..

[ dissolve to Father’s Day promo card ]

Announcer: Don’t forget “Father’s Day”, June 15th! Brought to you by the Gay Porn Industry!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19


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02c: Sen. John McCain / The White Stripes

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Q*terplx…..Rachel Dratch
Elton John…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

U.S. military personnel have located some 40,000 manuscripts missing from the Iraqi National Museum. Or, as President Bush likes to call them, “manuscripts of mass destruction.”

Chinese peasants, who lack the medical knowledge and funds to fight SARS are lighting firecrackers to scare off the god of plague. Unfortunately, the firecrackers have only succeeded in scaring off the god of fingers.

Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, U.S. forces in Baghdad captured the Iraqi biological weapons scientist known as Mrs. Anthrax, though she prefers to go by her maiden name, Janet Death-Spore.

Gary Hart announced this week that he would not run for president in 2004, saying, “I have concluded that I do not have sufficient enthusiasms for the mechanical side of campaigning.” After listening to the announcement, the mailman nodded awkwardly and slowly backed away.

Tina Fey: Police in Verona, Italy, have arrested a priest who regularly visited a brothel and hired hookers to dress up like nuns. A spokesman for the Vatican described the priest’s behavior as progress.

Jimmy Fallon: New laboratory findings suggest that the SARS virus can survive for four days in watery diarrhea. So be careful of the watery diarrhea you have lying around. It could give you SARS.

Tina Fey: The movie X-Men 2 opened last week, introducing a host of new characters. Not everyone’s happy, though, as some X-Men were left on the cutting room floor. Here with a comment is one mutant who didn’t make the final cut, Q*terplx.

[Q*terplx enters, looking suspiciously like “Baby Eve.”]

Tina Fey: So, Q*terplx, how do you feel about not being included in the new X-Men movie?

[Q*terplx spits all over.]

Tina Fey: Okay. Q*terplx, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: In London this summer, Microsoft will introduce the iloo, the world’s first public toilet with internet access. So go inside, log in, and log out.

According to a poll in Entertainment Weekly, the best video game of all time is “The Legend of Zelda,” followed by “Tetris” and “Grand Theft Auto.” The worst video game of all time? “Super Menendez Bros.”

Tina Fey: Avid fans of the X-Men movie have already found more than 42 flaws in the new film. And yet, they can’t see the flaws in their own lives.

Jimmy Fallon: More than 100 men and women gathered in San Francisco this past weekend to participate in the city’s 2nd annual public Masturbate-A-Thon. Even though a lot of people showed up, I heard it was wack.

The old man on the mountain, a 40-foot tall granite rock formation in New Hampshire which resembles a human face collapsed over the weekend. So watch out Joan Rivers and Mary Tyler Moore, these things tend to happen in three’s.

Tina Fey: Police and school officials in Northbrook, Illinois, are investigating a girl’s touch football game called, “The Powderpuff Game,” in which senior girls slapped, punched, and splattered the junior girls in the face with mud and feces. What happened to the good old days, when girls would just spread rumors that you were a lezzy?

It was reported that while in Louisville during the Kentucky Derby last weekend, Carson Daly spent nearly $1,000 on lap dances at a local strip club, which isn’t really that much money, when you consider how expensive Chippendale’s is. Hit the elevators, Carson.

Jimmy: [ad-libbing] Are we still doing this?

Elton John announced this week that he would be bringing a musical production of the Anne Rice’s “Vampire Lestat” to Broadway this year. Here with an exclusive sneak preview of the work in progress, Elton John.

Elton John: Hello, Jimmy. You look good enough to eat.

Jimmy Fallon: Keep it cool, buddy. You got some songs you want to preview for us?

Elton John: Yes I do, Jimmy. This first one is a portion of the opening number entitled “Dawn’s Lament.” You can hear the pain and eroticism of vampires’ existence.

Don’t let the sun come up on me
‘Cause I’m a Dracula
My reflection I can’t see
I’m just a dude who likes sucking blood
So let me be, ohhhhhhhh
‘Cause I look like an open-face tuna melt if you let the sun come up on me!

Jimmy Fallon: All right, that was a little clunky at the ending. Also, that song’s just like “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.”

Elton John: What do you want to do to me?

Jimmy Fallon: Stop it, dude.

Elton John: Fine, Jimmy. Wink. The next number comes late in the second act. It’s called “Night Song, A Conversation.”

Hey Frankenstein, how’s it been going?
Heard you and your lady kinda went Splitsville
Sorry guy, relationships are pretty hard
Especially when you’re made out of fourteen other dudes!
Come on man, let’s have some brews
Catch up on the good old times!
F-f-f-f-f-f-f-Frankie and Lestat!

Jimmy Fallon: Frankie and Lestat?

Elton John: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: So the Frankenstein monster’s in your musical?

Elton John: Of course, Jimmy. And Mummy, Wolfman, Chewbacca, Oscar the Grouch. It’s a musical about monsters, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: Wolfman’s in there, too?

Elton John: Yes, Wolfman’s in there.

Jimmy Fallon: You haven’t read the book, have you?

Elton John: Jimmy, it may surprise you to hear that I have not.

[start laughing]

Elton John: All righty! This is part of the final number – [He begins to wave his hands around the piano as he’s talking.]

Jimmy Fallon: You’re not playing right now. You’re not playing the piano.

Elton John: I put it on pause while I speak, pause. Okay, on again, okay! All right, this is part of the final number. I’m curtly calling it “Midnight Fantasia.”

Jimmy Fallon: I can’t imagine that this won’t be good.

Elton John: [To the tune of “Tiny Dancer”]
Here comes Dracula
Suck your blood out
There’s nowhere you can run
Even if you could now
It wouldn’t matter
‘Cause he can turn into a bat
Crazy Dracula
He loves his buddies
Wolfman and Zombie
Run like hell, you stupid bastards?
Run into a shed and lock it
Wolfman’s gonna kick the door in
Zombie’s gonna eat your brains!

Jimmy Fallon: This sucks hard.

Elton John: I’ll tell you who sucks hard.

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here!

Elton John: It’s Dracula, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here!

Elton John: Dracula sucks hard!

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here! Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, good night!

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 17th, 2003

Dan Aykroyd

Beyonce

None

Jim Belushi

Kip King

John Goodman

Jay-Z
HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) mocks potential Democratic nominees.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Andrew Card, Al Sharpton.

Transcript

Montage

Dan Aykroyd’s MonologueSummary: Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi perform their rendition of “Time Won’t Let Me.”

Transcript

Top O’ The Morning To YouSummary: William Fitzpatrick’s (Seth Meyers) dad, Patrick Fitzpatrick (Dan Aykroyd), lets his other 22 kids run amok on the set.

Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliams, William Fitzpatrick.

Transcript

Rialto GrandeSummary: Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) shows off his son, Jerome (Kip King), and reunites with comedian Donnie “The Finger” Gabisky (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun, Buddy Mills, Mackey, cocktail waitresses.

The FalconerSummary: Donald hangs out with a gang of bikers while Falconer Ken Mortimer (Will Forte) sinks in quicksand.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In a Robert Smigel cartoon, Ben Affleck buys “Cokee, the Most Expensive Dog in the World” as a present for J-Lo.

Transcript

Donatella Versace Backyard BarbequeSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) welcomes guests to her backyard barbecue.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Anna Nicole Smith, David Letterman.

Beyonce & Jay-Z performs “Crazy In Love”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) gets a tan while laying across the Weekend Update desk. Chris Kattan performs a terrible re-eneactment of his recurring characters.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.

Transcript

Astronaut JonesSummary: Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan) and his Chief Science Officer (Dan Aykroyd) encounter a sexy alien (Maya Rudolph) on Venus.

Recurring Characters: Astronaut Jones.

Transcript

La Cuisina CaninaSummary: Dogs enjoy the ambience of a stylish restaurant.

Transcript

Beyonce performs “Dangerously In Love”

Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack PowderSummary: The trusted voice of Sam Elliot (Dan Aykroyd) makes even butt powder desirable.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

106 & Park Top 10 LiveSummary: Tiny rapper Baby K (Jeff Richards) tells A.J. (Dean Edwards) his upcoming duet with Christina Aguilera (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: A.J., Baby K, Christina Aguilera.

The Leather ManRecurring Characters: The Leather Man, Choo Choo.

Fred Garvin Male Prostitute

My Big Thick Novel

Summer’s Greetings From Saturday Night LiveSummary: One final version of the happy Christmas ditty performed by Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

La Cuisina Canina

Maitre’D…..Dan Aykroyd
Skippy…..Jeff Richards
Daisy…..Rachel Dratch
Bartender…..Chris Kattan
Waiter…..Chris Parnell
King…..Darrell Hammond
King’s Date…..Maya Rudolph
Yorkie…..Amy Poehler
Buddy…..Dean Edwards
Big Dog…..John Goodman
Male Dog…..Seth Meyers
Bitch…..Tina Fey

[ open on exterior, La Cusina Canina ]

[ dissolve to interior, elegant restaurant decorated with the canine taste in mind; the patrons and staff are dressed as dogs ]

Maitre’D: Good evening. Welcome to La Cusina Canina, New York’s premier doggie restaurant. Do you have a reservation?

Skippy: Uh, yes.. Daisy & Skippy, for eight o’clock.

Maitre’D: Ah, yes! I’m afraid that your table will not be ready for a few minutes. Would you care to sit at the bar?

Daisy: Hmm.. alright, I guess we’re a little early!

Maitre’D: Fluffy! A complimentary water!

Bartender: Right away, Monsieur Butch!

Daisy: [ spins three times before taking her seat at the bar ] This is a nice place!

Skippy: Yeah!

Bartender: [ places glass on the bar ] There you are. One ice-cold toilet bowl water.

[ the three of them begin to lap up the toilet bowl water from the glass ]

[ cut to table at the other end of the restaurant ]

Waiter: Good evening. I’m your waiter – Tippy. Are you ready to order?

King: I am. But the bitches don’t know what they want.

King’s Date: Well, it’s just that everything looks so good! You go ahead and order first, King!

King: Alright. How is this appetizer? This, uh.. this Lawn Grass with Deer Pellets?

Maitre’D: Oh! I recomend it! The pellets are fresh and chewy! And Chef Otis personally urinates on all of the grass he serves!

King: Okay, that’s great. Okay, I’m gonna start with that, and then I’m gonna have the Tire-Stripped Possum with Blowflies.

Waiter: Excellent choice. And, Madam?

King’s Date: Yeah, gee.. uh.. uh.. I’m trying to lose some weight.. so, I-I’ll just have two cups of Science Diet..

King: Oh, come on, honey! It’s the best restaurant in the city. You oughtta try something.

King’s Date: Honey, I’m saving room for the coffee grinds with shrimp and eggshells for dessert.

Waiter: And, Miss Yorkie?

Yorkie: What’s in the Cat Vomit?

Waiter: Ohh.. it’s a partially-digested vole with dustmite-laden hairball – it’s very popular.

Maitre’D: And a Fancy Feast Tuna-Base, in its own aspic glaze.

Yorkie: Mmmm..! I’ll have that!

Maitre’D: And what can I get for you, Monsieur Buddy?

Buddy: Yes, uh.. how’s the Rotting Fish?

Waiter: Hmm.. here – smell. [ extends his arms ] I rolled in it this morning.

[ everyone at the table sniffs the Waiter ferociously ]

Buddy: [ excited ] Yes, yes! That’s the real thing, all right! Bring me of two of those!

Waiter: Very good. [ retreats from table ]

[ at the front of the restaurant, the popular Big Dog enters ]

Maitre’D: Ah. Bonsoir, Big Dog! Always a pleasure to see you! Your regular table is waiting!

Big Dog: Goooooood! Good! [ sits at his table ]

Maitre’D: And what will be your pleasure tonight?

Big Dog: Buuuuuutch! I think I’ll start off with an aperitif!

Maitre’D: Pepe! Big Dog will have his usual!

Big Dog: Any specials you want to tell me about?

Maitre’D: Oh! Yes. We have a sumptious Melon-Rind Compost.. with Cockworm-Flaked Bacon Grease.. served on an Old Sneaker and a half-side of Tennis Ball. I had it myself, I’m sure you will enjoy it.

Big Dog: Okay, Butch! On your advise!

Maitre’D: And to start! A basket.. of.. waterlogged sticks from a creek upstate!

Big Dog: [ sniffing his plate ] Thank you!

[ a male-female dog couple enters, and Big Dog is attracted to the scent of the bitch ]

Big Dog: Ahhhh.. [ raises his leg and begins to hump the bitch’s backside ]

Male Dog: Excuse me! But the lady came with me!

[ the two dogs began to growl and bark at one another, starting an upset throughout the restaurant as the dogs join the chorus; Big Dog quickly retreats back to his table, and the barking ceases ]

Bartender: And your Bitch’s Piss Martini.

Big Dog: Thank you. May I have an olive with that?

[ Bartender tosses the olvie directly into Big Dog’s mouth ]

Maitre’D: En-joyyyy. [ as the other patrons’ bowls of food are distributed ] Bon appetit, everyone!

[ to pass the time while still waiting for their table, Skippy and Daisy proceed to chase each other in a circle, sniffing at each other’s butt ]

Maitre’D: I’m sorry! Excuse me, please! But because of the new butt-sniffing ban, I’ll have to ask you to do that outside!

Skippy: You can’t sniff a butt in a bar any more?! God, this is absurd!

Daisy: Ridiciulous!

[ they exit outside, as the scene closes ]

SNL Transcripts