[ Bales of hay adorn the foreground. Actor SAM ELLIOTT, dressed in denim & a black tee, ENTERS. ]
Sam Elliott: Hi! Im actor Sam Elliott! Youve seen me on television and in the movies, but most likely, you recognize my voice from numerous commercial advertisements. Ad surveys have shown that when consumers hear my voice — in association with a service or product — theyll buy most anything. Heck, I could probably get you dive headfirst into a mail sack full of needles! Or suck iron filings off the floor of a machine shop, and wash them down with a quart of used motor oil. Or chew the lining off the bottom of a parrot cage.
Sometimes when I believe strongly in a product, Ill actually go on-camera to tell you about it. Thats why Im here — now — to talk about Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder.
[ Sam holds up a bottle of Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder. ]
Sam Elliott: As a rancher, I know how hot and humid weather can make riding, cutting weeds, and other chores prickly and uncomfortable in those hard-to-scratch seams and creases. Well, since 1879, Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder has eased the posterior crevice itch associated with farm labor, and brought lasting relief to millions of men living the Western lifestyle. Its simple to apply.
[ Sam turns to his side and opens the bottle. He then bends over slightly and dumps a ton of powder down his backside. ]
Sam Elliott: Mm mm! Oh-hh-hh!!! That feels good!
[ Sam settles the bottle down. ]
Sam Elliott: And cool!!! Thats cause its medicated — takes care of the chaffing and dries up things right away. It forms an easy-to-remove scented paste coil.
[ Sam pulls out a foot-long, braided white coil, which derived from the powder. He sniffs it, tosses it, then holds up the bottle. ]
Sam Elliott: Try Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder now, and get a free box of Dr. Deacons Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads.
[ Sam holds up a box of Dr. Deacons Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads. He removes out a teabag-sized absorber pad. ]
Sam Elliott: Theyre in a handy travel pack and reusable!
[ Sam puts the absorber pad in his left breast pocket. ]
Sam Elliott: Ah! Now Im itch-free! Time to go back to work
[ Sam winks at the camera and grabs a pitchfork. ]
[ TITLE CARD ]
Announcer: Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder & Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads: Available now everywhere.
The Falconer…..Will Forte Black Bear…..Dan Aykroyd Parker…..John Goodman Former Claw…..Horatio Sanz Girlfriend…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer V/O: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”
[ open on The Falconer waist-deep in quickstand, with Donald perched on his still above-sand arm ]
Oh, Donald! At present time, I find myself waist-deep in quicksand! At my current rate of descent, I’ll be completely submerged by this time tomorrow! That’s the irony of quicksand – it’s anything but quick. Now, please! Find someone – anyone! – who can pull me from what will soon be my wet, sandy coffin! A man with a tractor! Or a team of oxes! [ Donald squawks ] Fine! Oxen! You know what I meant! Now, go!! [ Donald flies off ] The Grim Reaper knocks upon the door!!! DO NOT LET ME DIIIIIIEE!!
[ Donald flies off for another adventure, where he encounters three bikers ]
Parker: Hey, Black Bear! Look at this crazy hawk over here!
Black Bear: [ laughing ] That’s not some hawk, Parker! That’s a white-tailed peregrine falcon! Indigenous to the water regions of North America! Ha ha! [ to Donald ] Hey, pal! You wanna ride with us, or what?
Parker: I don’t think he’s got what it takes to ride with the Blacktop Vampires!
[ Donald squawks ]
Black Bear: Ha ha ha! I like this bird! He’s got pterodactyl nuts! Let’s make him a prospect! I’m gonna call you “The Claw”!
Former Claw: Hey, man.. I’m The Claw!
Black Bear: Not any more! Hey, Falcon! Claw! Come back to the Vampire’s Nest with us! Okay?
[ dissolve back to The Falconer, now sinking deeper into the quicksand ]
[ dissolve back to the Falconer sinking deeper into to quicksand ]
The Falconer: Ohhhh, Donald.. my time is running out! Ohhh, how I rue the day I took down the “Beware of Quicksand” sign! In any event, I’m positive, right now, you are doing everything in your power to save me!
[ cut to Donald at the Vampire’s Nest, surrounded by a pair of hot gals ]
[ at back table, Black Bear and his boys watch Donald with pleasure ]
Black Bear: This Donald guy – the new prospect? He’s a good prospect! I really like him, Parker! Looks like you were wrong about The Claw!
Parker: Yeah.. but it looks like The Claw is making out with your old lady right now!
[ show Black Bear’s girlfriend tonguing with the Falcon ]
Black Bear: [ steps forward, laughing ] Hey, hey, Claw! That’s my old lady! Ha! I-I-I-I got a thing with her. When I’m done with her, you can have her, okay? But, uh.. until then.. claws off! Comprende? [ laughs ]
[ Donald raises his middle finger to Black Bear ]
Parker: [ horrified at Donald’s temerity ] Claw just flipped my man the bird!
Black Bear: [ angered beyond his capacity ] It’s onnnnn!! Hold him up!! Hold him up!!
[ the other bikers rally together to hold Donald still, as Black Bear punches him repeatedly ]
[ Donald squawk, breaking free from the bikers’ grips; Donald’s series of attacks include smashing beer bottles over the heads of bikers, cracking their skulls with a pool cue, slicing Parker with a switchblade as his blood splatters the walls from below screen, and finally swopping down on Black Bear and ripping out his still-beating heart with his claw ]
Black Bear: [ with his last breath ] The.. proph-e-cy.. has come.. true.. [ keels over ]
[ cut to Girlfriend driving the motorcylce, with Donald perched on the handlebars ]
Girlfriend: You’re my man now, Claw.
[ dissolve back again to the Falconer with only his head remaining above the quicksand ]
The Falcon: What I wouldn’t give to be two inches taller! [ rev of motorcycle motor is heard, as Donald returns carrying a snorkel ] Oh, Donald! You’ve returned! And you’ve brought with you a snorkel! Oh, the perfect means to survive.. while you find another way to save me! And until you do, you will be The Falcon! [ puts on the snorkel ] And I will remain..
Jingle: “Ben loves Jen, he wants us all to knoew So he bought lots of items that glitter and glow. Doesn’t hurt to impress a girl Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”
[ show title card ]
[ dissolve to Ben and Jennifer sitting on the couch, as Ben gives Jennifer a rare gem ]
Jennifer Lopez: Oh, my God! It’s beautiful!
Ben Affleck: It’s not just any 84-karat emerald – Queen Elizxabeth swallowed it, and it passed through her body.
Jennifer Lopez: [ excited ] Oh, my God! She does that?
Ben Affleck: I had her do it for you. I love you-
Jennifer Lopez: [ opens her next present ] And what’s this?
Ben Affleck: It’s a meteorite from Mars. They were gonna study it, but I paid them to carve it to look like your mother.
Jennifer Lopez: Ohhhh, that’s so sweet!
Ben Affleck: One more. [ indicates a moving package ]
Jennifer Lopez: It’s all alive and split..
Ben Affleck: Save the wrapping – it’s Venison Carpaccio.
Jennifer Lopez: [ opens the gift, a grotesque-looking dog with the head of Robert Duvall ] Oh, my Gooood! I love you so- Oh! Snap!
Ben Affleck: It’s the msot expensive dog in the world!
Jennifer Lopez: What’s with his head?
Ben Affleck: It’s a Demmoguette. It’s an incredibly rare breed – their heads look like Robert Duvall.
Jennifer Lopez: That’s it?
Ben Affleck: [ petrified with fear ] Jen? Honey? You don’t like it?
Jennifer Lopez: I do! It’s just kinda weird and Duvallian and split!
Ben Affleck: But.. it.. cost so much..
Jennifer Lopez: I know! I love you for that! But, baby.. how can we be married and buy things, if we can’t be honest about the things we buy?
Ben Affleck: [ feeling dejected ] Yeah..
Jennifer Lopez: I mean, it’s weird.. it’s not a dog, you know? Maybe if it said something – like “I like napalm” and split!
Ben Affleck: [ perking up ] Yea-ah..!
Jennifer Lopez: It’s okay, baby..
Ben Affleck: No! I love you. And I’m gonna make this right!
[ cut to Ben and Jennifer meeting privately with a professional dog trainer ]
Dog Trainer: Yes, well, there are no bad dogs.. only bad people–
Ben Affleck: Yeah, right. Here’s what I want you to do..
Dog Trainer: First, we must undo all-
Ben Affleck: No, no, no, no! I just want you to get him to talk like Robert Duvall!
Dog Trainer: Well, he’s a Demoguette.. he’s got a resemblance to him-
Ben Affleck: No! Talk! He has to say “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!”
Dog Trainer: Well, I’m afraid that’s impossible.
Ben Affleck: Wait! You’re the world’s best trainer! I’m paying you, what – $1,000 a minute! You can’t do this?!
Jennifer Lopez: Ben, it’s no big deal..
Ben Affleck: YES, it IS!!
Dog Trainer: But only humans have vocal-
Ben Affleck: Look! The Napalm line, or Sonny from “The Godfather”, or- No! Screw it! The Napalm line! [ storms out angrily, slamming the door shut behind him ]
[ the months and years pass by as the Dog Trainer attempts to teach Cokie to talk like Robert Duvall, studying the scene from “Apocalypse Now” with varied results. Fast-forward to 2012: an aging Ben and Jennifer walk into a plastic surgery clinic, and come out looking like 2003; they return to the Dog Trainer who finally has results on the project. ]
Dog Trainer: I think you’ll be pleased.
Ben Affleck: [ excited ] Wow!
Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!
Dog Trainer: You see? I shaped his box, symbol by symbol–
Jennifer Lopez: That’s not Duvall, though.
Ben Affleck: Yeah! It sounds like James Woods!
Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!
Ben Affleck: That’s James WOODS!! What’s wrong with you?!
Dog Trainer: Well, the animal’s voice has a certain timber-
Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Get OUT of here!! I did three “Daredevil” sequels to pay for a JAMES WOODS?!!
Jennifer Lopez: A Duvall face talkin’ all like James Woods and split? That’s weird!
Ben Affleck: You don’t deserve this, Jen.. you are my treasure!
[ dissolve to Ben in a private meeting with Robert Duvall ]
Robert Duvall: You wanna buy me?
Ben Affleck: $40 million.
Robert Duvall: To own me? And I have to wear this dog costume?
Ben Affleck: Not the head, just the body. And you just have to say “I love Napalm” all the time, and live with J-Lo.
Robert Duvall: I have a life, man.
Ben Affleck: Look.. I have so much respect for your work. But you can’t make this kind of money acting. This is $40 million. And you just have to be J-Lo’s dog.
Robert Duvall: [ thinking it over ] Can I sniff her ass?
[ without hesitation, Ben pounces Duvall and begins to beat crap out of him ]
Ben Affleck: You son of a BITCH!! That is SICK!! You are a SICK OLD (bleep)-
Jennifer Lopez: Ben! It’s okay!
Ben Affleck: NO!! Not for my JEN!!
[ cut to title card ]
Jingle: “Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Andrew Card…..Dan Aykroyd Rev. Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan Sen. Rick Santorum…..Chris Parnell
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! President Bush declares that those responsible for this week’s attack in Saudia Arabia will be hunted down and given a dose of American justice! Is it me, or is this administration starting to sound like an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger”?! I havent seen a guy this cocky since Ruben from “American Idol” at a waffle-eating contest! As the election season heats up, the question becomes: Is Bush unstoppable? Or do the Democrats have a David for this Goliath? Joining us tonight, White house Chief-of-Staff Andrew Card!
Andrew Card: Thanks for having me, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Whatever you said, shut it! Also joining us, the man who has more track suits than the Wardrobe Department at “The Sopranos”! Democratic Presidential hopeful and political train wreck, Al Sharpton!
Rev. Al Sharpton: I-I-I’ve got some good stuff for you today, Chris!
Chris Matthews: Great. But just on principle, I’m still gonna tell you to zip it! Mr. Card, we’re gonna start with you! You see the Republican witnesses heading into the 2004 campaign?
Andrew Card: Absolutely not! Just look at President Bush’s recent accomplishments. He piloted that fighter jet by himself and landed on the aircraft carrier – people love that! He single-handledly caught Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.. and made them wrestle each other in a cage match! Two years ago, he came up with the idea for”Joe Millionaire”. He’s amazing!
Chris Matthews: Uh-huh. And does it bother you that none of that’s true?!
Andrew Card: Look, Chris.. if it doesn’t bother Karl Rove, it doesn’t bother me.
Chris Matthews: Fair enough. Al Sharpton! What’s your strategy for combatting such a popular incumbent?!
Chris Matthews: How’re you gonna win the Presidential election!
Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh, it’s gonna be easy! Look who I’m runnin’ against: Edwards, Kerry, Gephardt.. nobody knows those dudes!
Chris Matthews: What about Bush? How you gonna beat him?
Rev. Al Sharpton: [ confused ] What? Bush can run again?! Aw, come on, dammit! Come on, man! You gotta let me know about these things, dammit!
Chris Matthews: Sharpton campaign – right about where we all thought it would be! Andrew Card, what will the Democrats have to do to have a chance?
Andrew Card: Well, the Democrats biggest problem is that no one recognizes their candidates. They need someone whos universally adored. The only shot they have is to.. lower the voting age to 6.. and nominate Spongebob Squarepants.
Chris Matthews: Andrew, come on.. is it that hopeless, or what?
Andrew Card: Chris, not even Jesus Christ would run against George Bush. Because, as the Bible clearly states.. Jesus was a Republican.
Chris Matthews: Nice! That’s a good crazy boy! Our next guest is doing his best to help the Democrats win. He made headlines last week, when he equated homosexual sex with incest and bestiality! Please welcome the man who put the idiot into “He’s an idiot!” Republican Senator Rick Santora! Senator, do you think yur controversial remarks are gonna hurt President Bush in 2004?
Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris, I was taken out of context. Uh.. when I said gay sex was as bad as man-on-dog sex, I meant man-on-male dog. Sex between a human make and a female dog, I have no problem with.
Chris Matthews: Good Lord, this is better than I thought! Keep going!
Sen. Rick Santorum: I have no problem with gay people. I-I like Liberace.. I like George Michael.. I even like the gay Teletubby. I dont like it when Liberace, George Michael and the gay Teletubby have sex with each other.
Chris Matthews: Don’t stop, Sentora! One more time!
Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris, I’m not asking much. All Im asking for is every American male to get a tattoo on his fanny that reads “Exit Only”.
Chris Matthews: [ chuckles ] Three in a row! We call that a turkey where I’m from, people! Final thoughts, Andrew Card!
Andrew Card: Chris.. this president is unstoppable. He’s 22-feet tall.. he can stop bullets in mid-air like Neo! When he was eight years old, he ran to the moon! I’ve personally seen this man lasso a tornado! And he’ll be our President for the next 200 years! Because he cannot die!
Chris Matthews: [ talking into a prop telephone ] Hello? Yeah, he’s here. Yeah, okay.. That was the loony bin.. they need you back by eight! Al Sharpton, final thoughts! Your upcoming campaign!
Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh.. there is no campaign, Chris.. I’m gonna go back to what I do best! Showing up where the rich white people hang out, and screaming at the cameras “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”
Chris Matthews: Believe me.. it’s broke! Sen. Foot-in-Mouth!
Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris.. my opinions may be unpopular, but they’re not uninformed. I’ve been involved in literally thousands of acts of gay sex, and not once have I felt like it’s okay.
Chris Matthews: I guess I should have seen that one coming! When we come back, Sen. Santorum’s gonna sing a number from “Hairspray”! But, until then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan Scientist…..Dan Aykroyd Venusian…..Maya Rudolph
[ open in outer space ]
Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! Astronaut Jones to Planet Earth! We are on the planet Venus! It’s very hot up here, so I doubt we wil encounter any life. Over!
Scientist: Not so fast, Jones.. I’m getting some intense readings on the organatron.
Astronaut Jones: Hold it, Earth! My chief science officer may have found something!
Scientist: Look at this, Jones.. This thing’s whirling! We’re definitely not alone.
Astronaut Jones: Maybe there’s dan-gerrrr!
Jingle: “Rocket I’m taking a rocket. I’m packing my suitcase Hey, look out, Moon!
Yeah, a rocket into outer space. Goodbye, human race I’ll be there soon.
Blast off! For fun and adventure. Yes, I said adventure collecting stones.
Yeah, it’s my way on the ol’ space highway. That’s why they all say “There goes Astronaut Jones!”
Hey!”
Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! With special guests star: Dan Aykroyd! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 19: The Battle For Venus”.
[ dissolve back to scene ]
Astronaut Jones: Okay, Earth.. I understand. We’ll get the stones and get out. I love you, too, Earth. Bye!
Scientist: What did Earth say?
Astronaut Jones: They said if we see any space monsters, we should beat it!
Scientist: I’m afraid it’s too late. Look at that. [ points at an approaching Venusian woman ]
Astronaut Jones: Mmm! Lord have mercy!
Venusian: Creatures, who are you?
Astronaut Jones: Sweet!
Scientist: Don’t, don’t don’t talk to her..
Astronaut Jones: Oh, man!
Scientist: It’s some kind of a pure energy field..
Astronaut Jones: It’s pure!
Scientist: Projecting an electro-magnetic force..
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Scientist: Pulsating an extremely dangerous voltage!
Astronaut Jones: Oh, oh!
Scientist: I recommend we get back to the rocket ship..
Astronaut Jones: Right on!
Scientist: And not have any intercourse with this creature!
Astronaut Jones: Hold on, Spock!
Venusian: Earth creatures..
Astronaut Jones: What?
Venusian: My name is Vanella..
Astronaut Jones: I’m ready to jump all over you..
Venusian: You are not welcome here..
Astronaut Jones: I know this.
Venusian: You have only three of your Earth minutes to evacuate this planet or face extermination.
Astronaut Jones: Heat it up.. turn it loose!
Venusian: We are a hostile race..
Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm, yeah..
Venusian: ..unwilling to engage in communication with other life forms..
Astronaut Jones: Yeah, you the future!
Venusian: If you value your life, you will abandon your mission here, and return to Earth.
Astronaut Jones: Mmm..
Venusian: I have warned you..
Astronaut Jones: Uh-huh.
Venusian: Now, what do the Earthlings say to this?
Astronaut Jones: Why don’t you bend over and let me snap that booty-licious!
Scientist: [ worried ] Jones! If you touch that thing, we’ll blow up!
Astronaut Jones: If I don’t touch that thing, I’m gonna blow up!
[ Maya Rudolph finally breaks character ]
Maya Rudolph: You know what, Tracy? Don’t.
Tracy Morgan: Aw, cut the crap, Maya! You know Ive been wantin to get you pregnant!
Jingle: “Rocket I’m taking a rocket. I’m packing my suitcase Hey, look out, Moon!”
Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thanks a lot! Wow, wow, wow! what a bea-u-ti-ful night in Manhatten! For those of you who may not be aware, I worked here from 1975 until 1979. Thank you! All this week, everyone’s been asking me why it’s taken me 24 years to come back and host. Well, the reason is – the first cast, we were rebels! John Belushi used to say, “Why should we have a host? We can do it ourselves!” And, uh.. well.. you know, the only time I stood here on Home Base.. was with John Belushi when we were The Blues Brothers. [ audience cheers ] Well.. he’s, uh.. he’s not here tonight; he’s somewhere, but he’s not here tonight. But.. I’ve got his brother Jim. So.. let’s just do this!
[ lights go up, as Jim Belushi steps out as an alternate Blues Brother ]
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! And welcome to Studio 8-H, at 30 Rockefeller Center in New York City! Would you please welcome from Hollywood, California, the internationally-renowned star of stage, television and recording: Mr. James “Cool Diamond” Belushi! We are the world-famous Dancing Refrigerators! I am a man of avocado. I’m a man of plum. This is the Have Love Will Travel Review!
[ the break into the Outsiders classic “Time Won’t Let Me” ]
Dan Aykroyd: “I can’t wait forever Even though you want me to I can’t wait forever To know if you’ll be true Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me…ee…ee…eeWait that long!”
Sing it!
Jim Belushi: “Can’t you see I’ve waited so longTo love you, to hold you, in my arms.”
Together: “Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me (oh, no)Time won’t let me…ee…ee…ee!”
Jim Belushi: Wait long!
[ instrumental break ]
Together: “Ahhh…ahhh…ahhh…ah!”
Jim Belushi: Wait that long!
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you! We’ve got a fun-packed show! The spectacular Beyonce is here! It’s Tracy and Kattan’s last show! Final season finale! We’ll be right back! Season finale!
Patrick Fitzwilliams…..Jimmy Fallon William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers Patrick Fitzpatrick…..Dan Aykroyd
Announcer: You’re watching RTE – Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 a.m., and next up – it’s “Top O’ The Morning'”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.
[ dissolve to barroom set, Patrick and William perched on their bar stools ]
Patrick Fitzwilliams: It’s 9:30 a.m. – welcome to “Top O’ The Mornin'”! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!
William Fitzwatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes – so save it!
William Fitzpatrick: Save it!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Save it!
William Fitzpatrick: Save it!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Go to your Toolbar, click on File, drag down the Menu, and save it!
William Fitzpatrick: Today’s show is brought to you by Colin Farrell’s Anti-Bacterial Cream.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: You put it on when you can’t remember where you put it last night.
William Fitzpatrick: That’s Colin Farrell! The #1 name in anti-bacterial genital creams.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Say, William.. how did you get that black eye there?
William Fitzpatrick: Ah. It’s funny you should ask. Last night, you punched me in the eye.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: No, you didn’t.
William Fitzpatrick: Aye. I remember it well. We were doing shots of Tequila..
[ screen dissolves to the night before, the two boys holding filled shot glasses ]
Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers!
[ they each take a sip, then Patrick punches William in the eye ]
[ dissolve back to Patrick and William on the live show ]
William Fitzpatrick: That’s not how I remember it at all. As I recall, it was a different scene altogether..
[ screen dissolves to the night before, the two boys holding filled shot glasses ]
Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers!
[ they each take a sip, then Patrick punches William in the eye ]
[ dissolve back to Patrick and William on the live show ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: See? It wasn’t Tequila, it was Jaeger.
William Fitzpatrick: It was Jaeger!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: It was!
William Fitzpatrick: I’m very sorry. You know what? I clearly owe you an apology.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I forgive you.
William Fitzpatrick: How about a shot, then?
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Two Jaegers.
Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers! [ they chug ]
William Fitzpatrick: Alright. Our first guest is someone very close to my heart. Please welcome me dad – Patrick Fitzpatrick!
[ Williams dad steps out, escprting his other young children out across the set ]
Patrick Fitzpatrick: How are ya’, lads? You remember the children – Shawn, Molly, Patrick, Chevon, Shannon, Finnigan.. another Shawn, Brendan, Roland, Colleen, Mary, Mary Pat, Mary Kate, Kay, Pat, Kate and Allie, Hannah, Carrey, Clair and all the rest of them!
William Fitzpatrick: What are you thinking, Dad? Why did you have to being out all of the kids?
Patrick Fitzpatrick: Well, William, I was covering for your mother. She went up to Kilkenny for the St. George’s Sodabread Bake-Off. [ yelling off-camera ] Erin! Get off the cigarette machine! Don’t let me tell you twice!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: William, I thought I told you – I hate it when you bring your family over. It’s like you’re related to Darby O’Gill and the Little People.
William Fitzpatrick: Well, excuse me, Patrick.. but I’m under a little bit of pressure being the oldest of 23! Don’t get me wrong – I’d love to stroll through life with only 14 brothers and sisters like yourself.. but I haven’t been quite so blessed.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: It is true that Mr. Fitzpatrick has the most powerful and accurate seed.
Patrick Fitzpatrick: [ honored ] That’s right! You got it right – I hot what I aim for! [ looks off-screen ] Aiden! Lorken! Loxen! Liam! Get over there with Conan, Shawna, Shadea, Claren, Owen! [ grabs one of the kids carrying a beer as he runs past ] Ah-ah! Joseph.. what did we say? Not until you’re thirteen. [ to Patrick and William ] He knows his whiskey, though.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: William, if you don’t do something, I’m gonna lose it.
William Fitzpatrick: Don’t worry, Patrick. I happen to have a jar full of Irish children’s favorite sweets. Hey, kids! Who wants a hard-boiled egg! I’ve got boiled eggs for everyone! [ the kids gather round for some candy ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Let me have one! [ grabs an egg ] Now, Mr. Fitzpatrick.. now, William tells me that you’re- [ attempts to crack egg open, but gets splashed by its contents ]
Patrick Fitzpatrick: Ohhhh, I have!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ wiping broken egg off his shirt ] You forgot to boil the eggs, didn’t you?
William Fitzpatrick: [ embarrassed ] Yes, now.. it seems to appear that I have forgotten to.. boil the eggs. Yeah. I suppose you’ll be wanting to go over to the Punching Wall.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah.
[ they walk over to the Punching Wall ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: You know what? Maybe I don’t need to punch the wall, you know? The walk really cooled me down a bit.. [ the kids begin to throw the eggs at Patrick ] Stinkin’ brats! [ punches a huge hole in the wall, revealing one of William’s younger siblings back there ]
Patrick Fitzpatrick: Fiona, there you are. My apologies. This one likes to get into walls.. Ahhh, they’re adorable, aren’t they? But.. you know..
William Fitzpatrick: [ wiping at his dad’s face ] You’ve got some egg on your face..
Patrick Fitzpatrick: It won’t be the first time!
William Fitzpatrick: It looks good on you, you wear it well.
Patrick Fitzpatrick: Yeah, I do.. [ wraps his arm around William ] You never forget your first child..
William Fitzpatrick: Oh, boy..
Patrick Fitzpatrick: [ with a tear in his eye ] And you will always be.. my baby boy, William.
William Fitzpatrick: [ panicking ] Please, Dad! Not here!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not now! Not now!
Patrick Fitzpatrick: Not.. here, in this place.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not now, at this time.
William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here, not now!
William Fitzpatrick: You’ve got to pull yourself together!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Let’s have a shot, then!
Patrick Fitzpatrick: Right on!
William Fitzpatrick: [ quickly pours the shots ] There you are! Cheers, everyone!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Cheers!
Patrick Fitzpatrick: Cheers!
[ they chug their shots quickly ]
Patrick Fitzpatrick: Ahhhh, that’ll make it right.. [ another noise from the kids is heard off-screen ] Cara! Ann! No throwing your sister! And this time, I mean it! Megan! Go sit with Julio!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ confused ] Julio?
William Fitzpatrick: We, uh.. we ran out of Irish names.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Oh. [ Irish music pots up ] Well, that’s all the time we have! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!
William Fitzpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!
Patrick Fitzpatrick: And I am Patrick Fitzpatrick!
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.
Today Show anchor Matt Lauer, who switched place with a New York City cabdriver last week, is now being sent to do a show from the north Korean border. In related news, it’s finally dawning on Lauer that somebody at The Today Show hates him.
This week, 60-year-old church worker Mimi Fahnestock revealed that she had an affair with President Kennedy when she was a 19-year-old White House intern. In a less-publicized story, 51-year-old church worker Margaret Wallinback revealed that she used to masturbate to thoughts of Richard Nixon.
Fahnestock said that she finally went public with her Kennedy story because “It’s a gift that my daughters know this is a piece of my history, adding, “I hope it inspires them to do great men.”
Carol Channing, the 82-year-old actress best known for her role in “Hello Dolly”, married her 83-year-old childhood sweetheart. The wedding was reportedly tasteful and classy, and the honeymoon was disgusting.
“American Idol” is now down to its final two contestants, Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken, in what is sure to be the ultimate battle of the sexes.
[ image of New York Times behind Tina’s head ]
Tina Fey: “Hi! I’d like to start getting home delivery of the Sunday New york Times. I like the fabricated interviews; he goes straight for the plagierized articles.”
This week, the New York Times made public the details of disgraced reporter Jayson Blair, who was found to have made up or plagierized dozens of articles for the venrable paper. The Times finally caught Blair in a lie during the war in Iraq, when he claimed to be embedded in Ashleigh Banfield.
Rival paper The New York Post has seized the opportunity to criticize The Times over the scandal. One article in The Post went so far as to say: “Them snobs ain’t so klassy now, our they?”
[ from out of nowhere, Cyndi Lauper’s “Giels Just Want To Have Fun” can be heard moving closer ]
Jimmy Fallon: What? Where’s that music coming from?
Tina Fey: I don’t know..
[ Drunk Girl, wearing a skimpy bikini and carrying a boombox appears at the desk ]
Tina Fey: Drunk Girl..
Drunk Girl: What are you guys doing in my tanning bed? I only paid for ten minutes, so.. boot SCOOT it! [ climbs on top the desk and stretches out ]
Jimmy Fallon: Drunk Girl, you need to shave, man..
Drunk Girl: Keep your eyes off my tasties, Jim-my Fall-on.
Jimmy Fallon: It’s like a car wreck – I can’t help it!
Drunk Girl: Shuttup! [ a beat ] I can’t wait for the party after the show.. Do you wanna know what I’m gonna do at the SNL after-party?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.
Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what I’m gonna do?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: D’you knowww what’m gonn’do?
Jimmy Fallon: No, no..
Drunk Girl: D’younnnnow’gonndo..?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you know-o?
Jimmy Fallon: No!
Drunk Girl: [ squealing ] I’m gonna make out with Don Pardo! ‘Cause he’s a fath-er fig-ure!
Jimmy Fallon: Get out, will’ya? Get out of here?
Drunk Girl: What? [ turns her back to the audience, and proceeds to remove her top while facing Jimmy ]
Jimmy Fallon: No.. please don’t do this.. That’s actually gross..
Drunk Girl: One day.. one day I’m gonna use these to feed our baby!
Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, everybody.
[ Drunk Girl climbs down from the desk and meanders her way out into the audience ]
Plans are in the works to transform the Meadowlands in Hackensack, New Jersey into an ecological preserve that would be ten times the size of Central Park. This will finally give guidos a chance to run free in their natural habitat.
ABC announced this week that John Stossel will join Barbara Walters as co-host of the news magazine show “20/20”, while Hugh Downs will simply be rolled three feet to the left and never told.
A lizard head found May 2nd by a customer in a carry-out salad in a Sante Few Applebee’s Restaurant, has tested negative for salmenella. So come to Applebee’s, where the lizard heads in the salads are always salmanella-free!
Tina Fey: The Flight Club, a strip club in Detroit, plans to charter jets to Las Vegas for its customers, complete with 20 dancers and scantily-clad flight attendants.
Jimmy Fallon: What’s the first rule of Flight Club, Tina?
Tina Fey: Oh, no.. am I about to get punched..?
Jimmy Fallon: There is no Flight Club! [ punches Tina in the face ]
Tina Fey: Ow! I always forget that!
NBC is reportedly trying to get Heather locklear to join the cast of “Good Morning, Miami”. But, so far, she’s been kicking too hard for them to get her in the van.
USA Today reports that counterfeiters have successfully slipped mislabeled and even fake drugs into U.S. pharmacies. This has led the FDA to remind patients that their heart pills should not have a peanut in the middle.
Congratulations to Oklahoma State Universitys oldest graduate this Spring. 62-year-old Steven Baker Little, former alcoholic homeless man, who has earned a degree in English. Ironically, in todays job market, an English degree best qualifies a person to become an alcoholic homeless man.
The 43-year old son of Louis Farrakhan was arrested after a hit-and-run incident in Indiana, while driving his Humvee. It’s a good thing police got his license plate number, because, without it, the only thing they had to go on was a black man in a bow tie driving a yellow Humvee through Indiana.
Jimmy Fallon: It’s a bittersweet week for us here at “Saturday Night Live”, as Chris Kattan is performing on his final show after a fantastic 7-year career
Tina Fey: Here now, with a terrible re-enactment of that career, is our own Chris Kattan!
[ Chris Kattan appears ]
Chris Kattan: Thank you, Jimmy.. Tina. Let’s begin.
[ Haddaway’s “What Is love?” pots up, with the SUPER: “A Roxbury Guy” ]
Chris Kattan: [ bopping his head and pointing from himself to the camera ] Me, him? Him, me? Me, him?
[ music stops, Kattan reaches down for his Goth wig and puts it on his head; SUPER: “Azrael Abyss” ]
Chris Kattan: My name’s Azrael Abyss! and I’m the Prince of Sorrow!
[ Kattan removes the wig and grabs an appple; SUPER: “Mr. Peepers” ]
Chris Kattan: Bak! Bak! [ chews apple rapidly and spits it to the floor ]
[ SUPER: “Antonio Banderas” ]
Chris Kattan: But I must! [ mimes unbuttoning his shirt to sexy guitar music ]
[ Kattan puts on a pair of glasses; SUPER: “Suel Forrestor: The Gibberish Guy” ]
Chris Kattan: [ mumbles incoherently ]
[ Britney Spears’ “Oops.. I Did It Again” pots up, as Chris Parnell stands at Kattan’s left; SUPER: “DeMarco Brothers” ]
Chris Kattan: [ mimes holding his nose to recover from a fart ]
[ Parnell exits; “SUPER: “Al Pacino” ]
Chris Kattan: Hoo-ahh!
[ SUPER: “The Crocodile Hunter” ]
Chris Kattan: It’s the hoiloight of mah loife!
[ SUPER: “Mary Katherine Gallagher” ]
Chris Kattan: [ holds his arms up in the air ] Superstar!! [ shakes his head ] Sorry.. that’s not mine..
[ SUPER: “David Gest” ]
Chris Kattan: Uh.. Li-za..
[ SUPER: “Gay Hitler” ]
Chris Kattan: [ holds fingers under the nose to represent a moustache ] Sprechen sie dick!
[ SUPER: “And fonally, for the last time, ladies and gentlemen” ]
Chris Kattan: [ puts on Mango cap and tears off his clothes to reveal Mango costume underneath ] No! You CAN’T have-a da Mango!
[ Queen’s “We Are The Champions” pots up ]
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Chris Kattan!
With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Teacher…..Amy Poehler Capt. Jack Kelly…..Jeff Gordon Mr. Corbin…..Seth Meyers
[ open on interior, grade school classroom ]
Teacher: Okay, class. Class. Today is Career Day, and Julia and P.J.’s dads have come to talk to you about what they do for a living. Mr. Kelly is a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force.
Kids: [ excited ] Wowwww!!
Teacher: And Mr. Corbin.. sells carpet. [ no response from the disinterested kids ] Okay, um.. Mr. Kelly, why don’t you go first?
Mr. Corbin: [ aware of the great potential of doom for his situation ] Uh, you sure you don’t want me to go first?
Teacher: No-o-o, we’re fine!
Mr. Corbin: Uh.. I think it would be better if I went first.
Teacher: I’m sure it doesn’t matter.
Capt. Jack Kelly: Hello there, kids! My name is Capt. Jack Kelly, but you can call me Cougar.
Kids: [ more excited ] Hi, Cougar!!
Capt. Jack Kelly: I’m a pilot in the United States Air Force, the greatest Air Force in the world! I’ve flown over a hundred missions, and, one time, a bad guy shot my wing off – I had to jump out of my plane and use my parachute.
Kids: Woww!!!
Capt. Jack Kelly: Let’s see.. if I had to sum up my job, I’d say that I get to move faster than any human being on Earth. My life’s like a video game. And I’m proud that I get to keep the world a little bit safer for squirts like you!
Mr. Corbin: [ stands, unsure where to start ] Uh.. hey there, kiddos. Um.. my name’s Mr. Corbin.. but you can call me Glen! [ no response ] Uh.. I am a carpeting and flooring salesman for Carpet Solutions.. and I really wish I had gone first!
Teacher: [ laying it on thick ] You’re doing great.
Mr. Corbin: Uh.. there are over fifteen different kinds of carpet: wool.. uh, wool blend.. acrylic.. acrylic blend.. I, uh.. I also sell linoleum..
P.J.: This is so boring!
Teacher: P.J.! That is no way to talk to your father!
Capt. Jack Kelly: [ stands to defend Mr. Corbin ] Come on now, that’s right, troops. You know, let’s focus up here – carpet’s important! I’ll never forget the time when I walked down that long red carpet, when I met the President!
Kids: [ impressed ] Wowww!!!
Capt. Jack Kelly: But that’s my story, I’m sorry.. go on, Glen. [ takes his seat ]
Mr. Corbin: Yeah, I’m done.
Teacher: Yeah. Okay.. okay.. great! Great? Yes! [ encourages kids to clap ] Now, we asked each of our guests to bring something from their jobs. Let’s start with, uh.. Captain Cougar?
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, I hope y’all don’t mind, but I thought I might bring some genuine Air Force pilots wings, for my new co-pilots!
Kids: Wow!!!! [ start grabbing for the wings ]
Capt. Jack Kelly: Slow down, now! There’s plenty to go around, plenty to go around. As a matter of fact.. [ approaches the teacher ] ..I thought that maybe I’d just bring a pair for yourself here, lady!
Teacher: Oh! I do might like a pair! [ giggles ] “I do might like a pair!” [ laughs ] Listen to my grammer! Your teacher is flustered! Well, um.. don’t listen to her today! [ Mr. Corbin attempts to sneak out of the classroom, but is caught ] Mr, Corbin, uh.. what did you bring?
Mr. Corbin: Oh, uh.. it is a.. a book.. of.. carpet samples. [ holds up the book ]
Teacher: Do you want to show the class?
Mr. Corbin: [ shakes head ] No.
Teacher: Okay. Well, now it’s time for questions. When we heard we were having such special guests, we wrote down questions for them. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ] Okay.. the first question is for Captain Kelly – Cougar! [ laughs ] “How fast does your plane go?”
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. my plane goes about Mach 2 – which is around 1,400 miles per hour.
Kids: Woww!!
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well, or about three times as fast as Harry Potter, though!
Kids: Wowwww!!!!
Teacher: That’s, uh.. quite fascinating. Um.. let me, uh.. let me find a question here for Mr. Corbin.. [ fishes desperately for a question for Mr. Corbin ] ..there has to be a question here, Mr. Corbin.. uh.. um.. okay.. [ pulls a random question out of the jar ] ..here’s one for Mr. Corbin. Mr. Corbin, uh.. [ improvising to cover up the absence of questions for Mr. Corbin ] ..”What is the coolest trick. you’ve ever done.. in your carpeting store?”
Mr. Corbin: I don’t think that question is for me.
Teacher: Oh no, no.. that’s what it says!
Mr. Corbin: [ downtrodden ] Well, it’s, uh.. not really a trick.. but, if you can get a customer to start thinking about the, uh.. possibility of flooding.. you might get them to upgrade to, uh.. a water-resistant fiber.
Teacher: [ feigning interest ] Wow! Cool beans! Just for fun, um.. Cougar.. what is the coolest trick you’ve ever done in your plane?
Capt. Jack Kelly: Well.. I’m a little biased, but, um.. I’m gonna have to pick The Cougar – it’s a triple barrel role inversion. It also happens to be named after me!
Kids: Yayyyy!!!!
Teacher: That’s what I thought! Well, I think that our guests both have very interesting jobs. Now, kids, if you want to see Mr. Corbin’s carpet samples, you can come up and look at them. [ no response ] And Cougar’s plane is in the parking lot, so..
[ the kids run for the door tp go outside and see the plane ]
Mr. Corbin: [ half kidding himself ] These might not be here when you get back! I only get a half-hour for lunch!
