Category: 2002

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow….Tracy Morgan
Robert Forgy….Jeff Gordon
Jose Cruz….Horatio Sanz
Brian’s Mom….Tracy Morgan

Singers:
He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain’t kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!

[Brian walks along a cartoon jungle wearing a safari outfit while cartoon animals pass by. He points to some of the creatures and smiles]

Narrator: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves, tonight on…

Singers: Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s Brian Fellow’s, Safari Planet!!

[cut to Brian in his studio sitting in a chair]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. I’m Brian Fellow! [applause] Tonight we’re gonna meet some animals. Two of ’em. One of ’em is scary and the other is fuzzy. So let’s get GO-ING! My first guest likes to hang out in trees. You might have seen him in the bible. Please welcome a SNAA-AKE!

[Jeff Gordon walks on with a boa constrictor around his neck.]

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Robert Forgy: I’m Robert Forgy of the Lancaster Zoo.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Robert Forgy: Hello Brian. This is Orphieus.

Brian Fellow: He looks like a giant worm.

Robert Forgy: Well, he does have a long narrow body, but unlike a worm, a snake has scaly skin.

Brian Fellow: Is he the one that invented this dance? [starts doing the snake, snapping his fingers and gliding his head side to side]

Robert Forgy: You’re doing the snake. Uh, I’m not sure if Orpheius himself invented it, but it is based on the movements of a snake, so I guess in a way he did.

Brian Fellow: That’s Crazy!

Robert Forgy: Do you know why a snake moves like that, Brian?

Brian Fellow: Because of his complex structure

Robert Forgy: That’s right, wow! You know a lot about snakes!

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Robert Forgy: Yes, and uh, as you know, snakes grow. And as snakes outgrow their bodies, they shed their skin.

Brian Fellow: Let me ask you a question. Where are those snake’s arms??

Robert Forgy: Snakes don’t have arms.

Brian Fellow: He’s probably hiding ’em behind his back, and when I’m not looking he’s gonna sucker-punch me!

Robert Forgy: No I promise you, that’s not gonna happen.

Brian Fellow: Well I’m watchin him.

Robert Forgy: I assure you, Orpheius is very friendly, but it’s not uncommon for people to be scared of snakes.

Brian Fellow: But does your snake still work for the devil?

Robert Forgy: No, of course not!

Brian Fellow: Well did he quit or did he get fired?

Robert Forgy: That’s one of the misconceptions people have about snakes.

Brian Fellow: Well you better get him out of here, before I put my foot in his ass and make him a boot!

Robert Forgy: I think we should leave.

Brian Fellow: Good go, I don’t need that sneaky snake causing no trouble on my show! Our next guest eats grass and makes sweaters. Please welcome a sheep! [Horatio Sanz walks on with a black sheep on a leash] And who are you?

Jose Cruz: Hi, I’m Jose Cruz, uh, from the children’s petting zoo in Rochester.

Brian Fellow: Hello Chester.

Jose Cruz: [chuckles] No, I’m Jose.

Brian Fellow: Oh, is that your nickname?

Jose Cruz: No, my real name is Jose.

Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!

Jose Cruz: [confused] Hello Brian…I brought with me this beautiful black sheep. His name is Blaster.

Brian Fellow: Well did you see that creepy snake?

Jose Cruz: I sure did!

Brian Fellow: I don’t like his attitude. So tell us about Blaster.

Jose Cruz: Well, Blaster’s very excited to be here, because the Chinese Zodiac calendar, 2003, is the year of the black sheep.

Brian Fellow: Hold on. Are you telling me that he’s uh, Chinese?

Jose Cruz: No no no, I think you misunderstood me.

Brian Fellow: Well make up your mind. First you tell me he’s black, then you tell me he’s Chinese. He’s like Tiger Woods?

Jose Cruz: No, he’s the breed of sheep based on the color of his wool.

Brian Fellow: I’ve always been curious. When they make sweaters out of sheep, which part is their feet?

Jose Cruz: Oh, uh, they don’t make sweaters out of the whole sheep, they take off the wool and they spin it.

Brian Fellow: Oh no. None of that! You’ve entered a no-spin zone on Brian Fellow’s show!

Jose Cruz: [confused] What are you talking about?

Brian Fellow: I honestly don’t know. I saw it on another show and I thought it would work here.

Jose Cruz: Whatever.

Brian Fellow: So, uh, tell us. Do only certain breeds of sheep have horns?

Jose Cruz: You know what, that’s an excellent question. Sheeps’ horns occur, because of…

[a thought bubble appears above Brian’s head. In it, a snake with arms and boxing gloves on speaks to him]

Snake: Hey Brian Fellow, you’re right. I DO have arms. But I’m not gonna punch you, I’m gonna punch your mom!

[Brian’s mom appears next to the snake]

Brian’s Mom: Hey Brian baby!

[snake starts punching her in the head]

Brian Fellow: Stop hitting her!!

Jose Cruz: I assure you, Brian, I wasn’t hitting her. I was petting her fur, the wool.

[thought bubble appears again, with Brian’s mom and the snake together]

Brian’s Mom: It’s ok, Brian! In fact, we’ve got some exciting news! Me and the snake are in love! I’m getting married!

[Brian’s mom and the snake begin kissing]

Brian Fellow: Nooo! You will not marry my mama!

Jose Cruz: [dumbfounded] Look, I don’t even know your mother. I’m gonna leave. This is weird for me, and I live with a sheep!

[Jose walks off stage]

Brian Fellow: Well, that’s all the time we have for today on Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet. Join me next time when my guests will be a raccoon and an opossum. I’m Brian Fellow!!

Thanks to Amy Attanasio for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

The Terrye Funck Show

Terrye Funke…..Chris Parnell
Rickye Funke…..Jeff Gordon

[the beginning of a tape shows “Passions” being taped over by a personal camcorder in a basement. A man walk in front of the camera]

Terrye: [motioning up with hands] Raise it up a little bit, Rickye. I don’t want my big ole’ thighs to show, ok?

[the camera moves up]

Terrye: We’re just gonna shoot this real loose and fat, just like your’s truly here and then we’ll cut it down in editing…it’s showtime!

[he walks back to a table and turns on a boombox and stands to the side of the camera]

Terrye: [singing while holding up pictures of himself in front of the camera] Sometimes we talk about serious things, sometimes we talk about fun things, sometimes I laugh like a baby and you wanna just spank my rump. Wahh! But one thing’s for sure, the Terrye Funk Hour going to be big hit with Uncle Taberick!

[the music stops and Terrye jumps in front of the camera]

Terrye: And here’s Terrye Funke! Hey! [waves] Hi everybody! Thank you so much for buying this tape for five dollars at my mom’s car port sale. Whew! Have we got a show for you today. Hey, do you like my yorkies? [looking at his shirt] This one’s Zach and this one’s Screech. [singing] Hey hey, they’re the Yorkies! People say they yorkie around…

[audience laughs]

Terrye: Oh I’m already going off-script…this show is cooking with Pam! Well I think it’s time to introduce a gentleman that is the only member of my family that of know of that is not a direct product of incest….just yanking your chains mom!

[Terrye goes back and turn on the boombox again]

Terrye: [looking over his shoulder] He’s my favorite cousin, and my cameraman- Mr. Rickye Funke!

[boombox starts playing and Terrye is singing “Abracadabra”. Rickye walks out in front of the camera and starts dancing. Terrye turns off music]Terrye: [to Rickye] “Oh you are so much…” [to audience] “Clearly Rickye got all the cool that I was supposed to get in our family. Thanks Cabbage Patch!

Rickye: I’m not cool? Say what?! Man, I’m super cool!

Terrye: Tell them where you work, Licky Tricky Rickye.

Rickye: [doing karate kicks and punches] I work at…Ollan Mills…Photography…Studios…in the…Su-per…Wal…Mart!

[Rickye does air guitar]

Terrye: Rickye Funke everybody!” [to Rickye] “Now go back and do the camera…

[Terrye sits down and turns on boombox]

Terrye: Ok, um, it’s time to bring out my next guest, you may know him from the first 2 minutes of my show, my favorite cousin Rickye Funke!

[music starts again with Terrye singing “Abracadabra” again. Rickye comes out from behind the camera pulling colored scarves out of his pants. Terrye turns the music off again]

Terrye: [to Rickye] Oh you are too much! Oh, oh wait…you gotta fix the camera: too much head room, tilt it down.

[Rickye gets up and pushes the camera down]

Terrye: Good.

[Rickye waves his hands in front of Terrye before sitting back down]

Terrye: Oh you! Stop that, this is serious…” [crosses legs] “Ok, Rickye thank you so much for being on the first of what I hope is, God willing, many episodes of The Terrye Funke Hour.

Rickye: Well thanks for having me, Terrye and thanks for letting me do my laundry here this afternoon. The smell of your Mom’s dryer sheets kicks ass! [does machine gun motions]

Terrye: Rickye, you are so charismatic! You work at Ollan Mills Photography Studios…

[Rickye jumps up and does karate kicks and punches again]

Rickye: Ollan Mills…Photography…Studios! [sits down]

Terrye: Now I have a question. How on Earth do you make those babies sit still? Babies make me coo-coo-coo-coodle-doo!

Rickye: Well Terrye, I do a thing called “Where’s the Birdie?”, which I made up.

Terrye: Would you mind giving our audience a demonstration?

[Rickye jumps up and flaps his arms like a bird]

Rickye: Where the birdie? Where’s the birdie? Arck! Arck! Arck!

Terrye: Oh Rickye Funke! You crack my butt sideways! That’s why you’ve got so many girlfriends, you’re always out on the town, whereas Fatboy Not-so-slim over here sits at home everynight watching ‘Dirty Dancing’ with his hand down his p.j’s.

Rickye: Why’d you have to go there, Terrye?

Terrye: Cause nobody else will…

[a buzzer sounds]

Terrye: That sound means the show is over… [puts a tape in boombox]

Rickye: …and my laundry’s dry.

Terrye: Thank you to all my guests, especially Rickye Funke and thank you all for watching the Terrye Funke Hour. I’m Terrye Funk, wishing you sleepover giggles and unicorn dreams!

[turns on boombox and jumps out of sight of camera and as music starts playing, holds up credit cards as music plays. Terrye sings “Let’s Hear it for the Boy” as Rickye does karate moves in the background]

Thanks to Miranda Leonard for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Gary’s Fish Tanks

Gena…..Maya Rudolph
Roger…..Jeff Gordon
Woman 2…..Amy Poehler
Man 2…..Seth Meyers
Repairman 1…..Horatio Sanz
Repairman 2…..Jimmy Fallon
Mr. Daly…..Fred Armisen
Doctor…..Will Forte

[two couples are in a home. One couple is seated on a couch on the left. One man is in front of an aquarium and the other woman is sitting on a couch on the right]

Gena: Thanks for inviting us over. You have a really beautiful house.

Roger: Oh sorry I’m tied up over here.

Woman 2: Oh yeah the aquarium broke down right before you guys came over. We have some repairmen comming over [doorbell rings] That must be them. [she gets up and answers the door. Two repairmen enter] Oh I’m so glad you guys are here.

Repairman 2: Don’t worry ma’am, you’re in good hands.

Repairman 1: Where’s the tank?

Roger: It’s over here guys.

Repairman 2: Whoa! Whoa! What are these? Piranhas?

Roger: No, they’re goldfish.

Repairman 1: Whoa! Sorry Mr. Fish Expert! We’ve got a real Jacques Cousteau over here!

Roger: Well, no I’m not an expert but I do like fish.

Repairman 2: Say no more, my friend and we’ll be outta your way in two seconds over here.

[Roger sits down on the couch beside Woman 2]

Woman 2: Roger, you have to look at these pictures. They are gorgeous! Gena took them on her vacation.

Repairman 2: Hey Bobby, what? Have we got Annie Liebowitz over here?

Repairman 1: We’ve got a freaking Kodak moment up in here!

Gena: Um, excuse me?

Repairman 2: I’m just saying is sounds like you take a lot of photos like Annie Liebowitz or uh, Peter Parker, if you will.

Gena: No, I just happened to take some pictures while I was in Hawaii.

Both Repairmen: Yabo! Hawaii!

Repairman 1: We’ve got a freakin’ Don Ho over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got a “how would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch?” over here!

Repairman 1: We’ve got a “pure cane sugar, that’s the one” over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got “book em’ Dano” over here!

Repairman 1: We’ve got kung fu es chin ho over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got… [both do the theme to Hawaii Five-O while making paddling motions]

Both Repairmen: …… over here!

Roger: Hey you guys, how’s the tank coming?

Repairman 2: It’s fine. I think we’ve got the right size filter out in the van.

Roger: Alright, great because we’re just about to have dinner here.

Repairman 2: Dinner? Well, well, well, well, well, well…Dinner!

Repairman 1: We’ve got a frickin’ Chef Boyardee over here!

Repairman 2: [mimicing a DJ scratching a record] Whickety, whick, whick, whick, whick…where’s your white hat, Bobby Flair over here!

Repairman 1: Oh, we’ve got a regular “can you smell what The Rock is cooking” over here!

Repairman 2: It’s like a regular uh, that guy who says bam?

Repairman 1: Bam? I don’t know…

Man 2: Emeril Lagasse!

Both Tepairmen: ….over here!

Roger: [to Man 2] Don’t help them! [to the repairmen] Alright guys, listen, just fix the tank. If you can’t, just leave because my friends and I are just trying to have a good time.

Repairman 1: We’ve got a Jimmie “J.J” Walker over here!

Repairman 2: Temporary layoffs over here.

Woman 2: Stop it! Stop it, the both of you. You’re acting like children.

Repairman 2: Who’s this now, over here? Dr. Benjamin Spock?

Woman 2: Give me a break…

Repairman 1: Give me a break? We’ve got a frickin’ Nell Carter over here!

Repairman 2: Yeah, you’re looking a little like Nell Carter over here. Looks a little like Joe Theisman over here…

Both Repairmen: [singing] Give me a break, give me a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat over here!

Repairman 2: We’ve got a…I’m kinda tapped out now.

Repairman 1: Yeah, I’m tapped out, too, unfortunately.

Repairman 2: Definately not our best work.

Roger: Hey you guys?

Repairman 2: “Hey you guys?” What is this? The Electric Company over here?

Roger: No, I just…

Both Repairmen: [interupting] No eye?!

Repairman 1: What are you? Sammy Davis Jr. over here?

Roger: No I just…

Repairman 2: [singing] Aye, aye, aye, aye, over here…

Repairman 1: [singing] Cantae no yorres over here!

Roger: [standing up] No guys I just…Oh my God, the fish! You’ve killed the fish! All your wisecracks….you killed the fish!

[both repairmen run for the door, knocking picture albums in the floor on the way out]

Woman 2: My family pictures!

[fade to Dr. Sherwood’s psychiatry office]

Mr. Daly: Okay guys, you know why you’re here. You were fired from your last job because you compulsively made wisecracks to the degree that you killed an entire tank of fish. To understand this problem we’ll have to do a few tests. I’m going to say a sentence and you just say the first thing that comes into your head, okay?

Repairman 2: Got a Lorraine Bracco over here….

Mr. Daly: I like movies.

Repairman 2: We’ve got a freakin’ Freakle Furrini over here…

Mr. Daly: I like water.

Repairman 2: We’ve got a frickin’ Hydrogen molecule joined with two oxygen molecules over here…

Mr. Daly: Okay guys, that’s very funny but it’s pretty clear to me that you both have some pretty serious compulsions. [writing on a notepad] I’m gonna recommend that we proceed with a course of aggressive shock therapy.

[a doctor opens the door]

Doctor: Oh my God! Mr. Daly, how did you get out of your room?

[Mr. Daly comes out from behind the desk with his pants around his ankles and screaming and starts crawling around at the Doctor’s feet]

Doctor: I’m sorry, this man is very mentally ill.

[fades to an ad for Gary’s Fish Tanks]

Male Voiceover: Don’t let this happen to you! Call Gary’s Fish Tanks, a name you can trust since 1982.

[fades to black]

Thanks to Miranda Leonard for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Goodnights

…..Jeff Gordon

Jeff Gordon: Thanks to Avril Lavigne, the entire cast and crew! I had a great time, thank you! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Joe Hetero

Joe…..Seth Meyers
Woman…..Amy Poehler

[ open on image of backside shot of Joe riding on a horse ]

[ SUPER: “Meet Joe” ]

Announcer: This ordinary Joe just inherited a fortune.

[ dissolve to extravagent mansion, visual of women walking out of the mansion ]

[ SUPER: “20 Women” ]

Announcer: And these are the twenty women who are vying for his heart.

[ dissolve to one of the women, who wears a cowboy hat ]

Woman: He’s a hottie!

[ dissolve to Joe slow dancing with that woman ]

Announcer: And this is the secret you’ll know from the very beginning:

[ SUPER: “Joe is stone-cold gay” ]

Announcer: Joe.. is stone-cold gay!

[ dissolve to close-up of Joe ]

Joe: Y’all look fierce in those gowns!

[ dissolve to title graphic ]

Announcer: “Joe Hetero”. Coming soon on FOX.

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Joe Caucasian

Joe…..Tracy Morgan
Woman…..Amy Poehler

[ open on image of backside shot of Joe riding on a horse ]

[ SUPER: “Meet Joe” ]

Announcer: This ordinary Joe just inherited a fortune.

[ dissolve to extravagent mansion, visual of women walking out of the mansion ]

[ SUPER: “20 Women” ]

Announcer: And these are the twenty women who are vying for his heart.

[ dissolve to one of the women, who wears a cowboy hat ]

Woman: This is a dream come true!

[ dissolve to Joe slow dancing with that woman ]

Announcer: And this is the secret you’ll know from the very beginning:

[ SUPER: “Joe Black Dude” ]

Announcer: Joe.. is a black dude. But they won’t know until the bitter end.

[ dissolve to close-up of Joe ]

Joe: I’m gonna get all these white chicks pregnant.

[ dissolve to title graphic ]

Announcer: “Joe Caucasian”. Only on FOX.

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Joe Not-A-Rapist

Joe…..Chris Parnell
Woman…..Maya Rudolph
Second Woman…..Amy Poehler

[ open on image of backside shot of Joe riding on a horse ]

[ SUPER: “Meet Joe” ]

Announcer: Meet Joe. He’s a construction worker from New Jersey, who makes $19,000 a year. He’s young, handsome, and not a convicted rapist. At least, that’s what these ladies think. [ Joe turns around and winks at the camera ] Wink!

[ dissolve to one of the women ]

Woman: This is a dream come true!

[ dissolve to Joe standing behind a second woman, eyeing her with sadistic intent ]

Announcer: And this is the secret you’ll know from the very beginning:

[ SUPER: “Joe Convicted Serial Rapist” ]

Announcer: Joe.. is a convicted rapist!

[ dissolve to close-up of Joe’s face as he hovers behind second woman ]

[ pot up music: “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” ]

[ dissolve to title graphic ]

Announcer: “Joe Not-A-Rapist”. From your friends at FOX.

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Joe Dude

Joe…..Tina Fey
Woman…..Amy Poehler

[ open on image of backside shot of Joe riding on a horse ]

[ SUPER: “Meet Joe” ]

Announcer: This ordinary Joe just inherted a fortune.

[ dissolve to extravagent mansion, visual of women walking out of the mansion ]

[ SUPER: “20 Women” ]

Announcer: And these are the twenty women who are vying for his heart.

[ dissolve to one of the women, who wears a cowboy hat ]

Woman: He’s a hottie!

[ dissolve to Joe slow dancing with that woman ]

Announcer: And this is the secret you’ll know from the very beginning:

[ SUPER: “Joe Biologically A Woman” ]

Announcer: This Joe isn’t a Joe at all.

[ dissolve to close-up of Joe ]

Joe: I wish I could pick all of you. Damn!

[ dissolve to title graphic ]

Announcer: “Joe Dude”. Coming soon on FOX.

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

A Message From Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il…..Horatio Sanz
Translator’s Voice…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on graphic of “Saturday Night Live” bumper ]

Don Pardo V/O: “Saturday Night Live”, normally seen at this time, will be delayed, so that we may bring you the following live address from North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.

[ dissolve to Kim Jong Il sitting at desk ]

Kim Jong Il: [ speaks in Korean, as a translator’s voice speaks over him ]

Translator’s Voice: Good evening. Recent provocative and hooliganistic statements by the cowboy government of the United States have villianously slandered our nation, and threatened the joyful happiness of the Korean people. The North Korean people will contemptuously reject these accusantions, and continue to support our wise policy of cheating on all international agreements, then indignantly denying this when we are caught.

So let me warn the gun-slinging bucaneer George Bush and his henchmen, Jimmy Carter and Wolf Blitzer, I am not some petty chieftain to be easily intimidated. I am extremely unstable and highly irrational, and, for your information, quite completely insane. At age three, I was diagnosed as psychotic, sociopathic, and suffered from both Manic Depression and Acute Pediatric Schizophrenia. I was a chronic bed-wetter. Not only my own, but the beds of others. As a consequence, I developed Anxiety Disorder, Disassociative Disorder, and general dysphoria. In addition, I am delusional. I have difficulty distinguishing reality from my fantasy world. When I was first informed of the aggressive actions of the United States, my first response was violent anger. Then a lengthy crying jag, followed by sudden deep sleep for about two days. Then several hours of frantic masturbation, punctuated by more crying jags. Afterwards, I burned my thighs with matches.

And now, let’s take a look at what’s new this week on DVD. “Sweet Home Alabama”, starring Reese Witherspoon. As formulaic romantic comedies go, “Sweet Home Alabama” is inoffensive, and, I’ll say it, charming. Witherspoon finds genuine emotion hidden under a blandly familiar plot, and I’d like to kidnap her and sodomize her. Three-and-a-half stars. And now, back to my angry tirade.

Anorexia Nervosa, Agorophobia, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. To control these psychiatric conditions, I have been placed on a variety of medications, including Lithium, Buspar, Prozac, Celexa, Atrivan, Zoloft. Zyprexa, Thorazine, Ritalin, Methotrimaprizine, and Welbutrin. I do, however, refuse to take them, because my paranoid psychosis leads me to believe that my doctors are actually secret robot assassins. So, let your President Bush understand jingoistic threats against me will be counterproductive. In addition to other mental disorders, I suffer from Agnosia – a condition that renders me unable to distinguish one object from another. If placed under emotional stress, I could easily sell enriched plutonium to Al Quaeda, thinking it was a box of Wheat Thins. I am no Saddam Hussein. I am Kim Jong Il, the great leader of the Korean people. Except, sometimes I am Mae Mae, a virginal schoolgirl. And sometimes I am Sung, a sexually flamboyant bon vivant, who somehow knows Italian. And sometimes I am former New York Islanders goalie John Vambiesbrouke.

So, in summation, I want America to cease disseminating its impolite degenerate propaganda to the pure-hearted peace-loving Korean people. I recommend “Sweet Home Alabama”. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

02i: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne

Jeff Gordon’s Monologue

…..Jeff Gordon
Harvey Winestock…..Chris Parnell
Judith Winestock…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Gordon!

Jeff Gordon: [walks out onto the stage] Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here in New York hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Awesome…awesome!

[audience cheers]

You know, ordinarily when I work, I’m wearing a fire retardant suit, going 200 mph in a tin can filled with explosive liquids. Every time I get in the car, there’s a chance I could crash and burn in front of millions of people. So I guess I am prepared for this show. [audience laughs]

[a man and woman wearing NASCAR jackets start shouting]

Woman: We love you Jeff!

Man: JG! Tony Stewart sucks!

Woman: No, Rusty Wallace sucks!

Jeff Gordon: Hey, alright! It’s nice to see some NASCAR fans.

Woman: Drop the hammer Jeff!

Man: Yeah Jeff open it up, dawg!

Woman: Floor it! Floor it!

Jeff Gordon: At least you’re enthusiastic, I’ll give you that. Hey, thanks for showing up. And you know sometimes when I’m down at the track…

Woman: [interrupting] Point suspension independent, rack and pinion steering, wheels 16 inches, Goodyear Eagle speedway radials 28 x 12 x 50.

Man: She’s memorized your car’s chassis specs. Who needs a GED, right?

[audience laughs and cheers]

Jeff Gordon: Great, great, great. Uh, anyway sometimes before a race, you know…

Woman: [interrupting] Jeff, this is the smallest track I’ve ever seen.

Jeff Gordon: You’re joking, right? This is a television show. There’s no track, no cars.

Woman: Hey Jeff, where’s your car at?

Jeff Gordon: No, no car. Just comedy.

Man: Comedy real fast and in a circle.

[audience laughs]

Jeff Gordon: You know what? You can’t possibly go to a NASCAR event and act like that. No way.

Man: How do you know?

Jeff Gordon: Because a real NASCAR fan would have killed you by now.

Man: Hey!

Jeff Gordon: Come on, man. Alright, tell me your names.

Man & Woman: Bubba?

Jeff Gordon: Aww come on!

Woman: Ellie Jean…

Man: Bucky Joe…

Woman: Sandy May…

Man: Jimmy Joe…Johnny Joe…

Jeff Gordon: Alright, who are you guys really?

Man: Okay okay, Mr. Gordon. We’re not really Bubba and Bucky Joe, Jr.Woman: We’re Harvey and Judith Winestock and we’re from right here in Manhattan. We’ve waited for four years for tickets to “Saturday Night Live” and when we found out you were the host, we wanted to make the best of it.

[audience laughs and cheers]

Harvey: And the thing is, well, we’ve really come to love NASCAR. Every Sunday we listen to NPR, do the New York Times crossword puzzle, and then hunker down for three solid hours of gritty NASCAR fun.

Judith: I think the only thing I like better than doing the crossword puzzle is actually finishing it, and then watching NASCAR.

Harvey: We’ve never been to an actual NASCAR event. We thought that this behavior was appropriate but obviously it wasn’t and for that we’re very sorry.

Jeff Gordon: Hey that’s alright. Tell you what, my next race you guys come down and I’ll let you sit in my pit.

Harvey: Really?

Judith: [pulls down jacket to reveal a drawing of Jeff on her chest] We love you Jeff Gordon!

Jeff Gordon: Wait a minute! You gotta remember if you act like that, you’re roadkill.

Harvey: Oh right…

Judith: Sorry…

Jeff Gordon: Alright, hey we’ve got a great show. Avril Lavigne is here! [audience cheers] Stick around and we’ll be right back!

[audience cheers and fades to black]

Thanks to Miranda Leonard for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts