Category: 2003

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

CNN Breaking News

Arnold Schwarzenegger…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: This is CNN.

[open on podium where press conference is held]

Andrea Gilbert: [voice over] This is Andrea Gilbert in Los Angeles, where we’re just moments away from that press conference called by governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. And here he is.

[Arnold walks up to the podium. A text box appears reading “Breaking News: Schwarzenegger Press Conference”.]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Good evening. Last Tuesday, the people of California went to the polls and sent out their message that they got tired of the career politicians and business as usual, with the taxes and the deficits and the shortages of electricity and all of these things! They voted to make me the governor, to take back the state from the special interests, by cleaning up the mess in Sacramento and so on and so forth. And now, after spending the last four days in the Capital, and studying the situation up close, one thing to me is clear: I have no idea what I’m doing in this job. Oh, yes, and I am in way over my head. That is why late yesterday I phoned the lieutenant governor Cruz Bustamante to inform him that I was officially resigning from my job as governor-elect and now I will have to take your questions, and things of that nature. Yes?

[text box changes to read: Schwarzenegger resigns as governor-elect,Schwarzenegger: “I have no idea what I’m doing”, Schwarzenegger: “I am in way over my head”.]

Reporter 1: [voice over] I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing us details of your conversation with Lieutenant Governor Bustamante. What precisely did you tell him in your phone call?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I explained to Lieutenant Governor Bustamante that I was not qualified for this job because my background as a bodybuilder and action film star did not prepare me for being Governor of California and all these types of things. Although I offered him my help during the transition, not with the tax policy or the budget or the matters of that sort, because my ideas in this area make no sense. But more with the carrying of the file boxes and bookcases and so on. From one office to the other. Yes?

[text changes to “Schwarzenegger offers to assist Bustamante with transition by carrying file boxes, bookcases”]

Reporter 2: [voice over] Did you and Lieutenant Governor agree on a specific date when you will officially hand over the office?

[text changes to: Schwarzenegger: “I am not qualified to be governor”]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Unfortunately, as of this afternoon Mr. Bustamante has not agreed to take over as governor. And this is very troubling for me because I am not good at this job! And I am a menace to California. For example, two days ago I just put together my first budget, to close the deficit in control of the state spending and this and that, and turned out it would make the deficit bigger to 117 billion or something like this. And that is three times more than Gray Davis. (starts laughing) That is sort of funny when you think about it. And if you remember what I said in the campaign, we were a long time laughing when we learned this. But let me tell you something, it is not funny for the children and the future of California. Yes?

[text changes to: Schwarzenegger: “My policies do not make any sense”]

Reporter 3: [voice over] What if Mr. Bustamante refuses to accept the governorship?

[text changes to: Schwarzenegger: “I would triple state deficit”]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Well I hope the Lieutenant Governor Bustamante will do what is right for the people of California, and agree to take over for me as the governor, but if he does not agree to this thing, then we will only have one choice: to start a campaign to have him recalled as Lieutenant Governor and replace him with a Lieutenant Governor who will agree to take my job. The future of California and all of that is just too important, and so on. Thank you.(leaves podium)

[text finally changes to “Schwarzenegger threatens recall of Lt. Gov. Bustamante if he does not agree to replace him as governor”]

Andrea Gilbert: [voice over] It appears that governor-elect Schwarzenegger’s latest press conference has completed, and now the situation in California is no closer to resolution. For CNN, I’m Andrea Gilbert. And now, back to Atlanta.

Submitted by: WebDsignR069

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Boston Teens

Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Danny…..Justin Timberlake
Maitre’D…..Chris Parnell
Waiter…..Seth Meyers
Frank…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on Denise leading a blindfolded Sully into an elegant restaurant, followed by the watchful eyes of Tommy’s camcorder ]

Denise: Tommy, over here! Get the look on his face! Alright! Pat Sullivan.. are you ready for your birthday surprise?!

Sully: Where have you taken me? I hope it’s not a high-end strip club.

Denise: It’s not! It is Boston’s acclaimed eatery – Anthony’s Pier 4! [ pulls the blindfold from Sully’s eyes ]

Sully: [ underwhelmed ] Oh.. alright..

Denise: What?! Are you not excited?!

Sully: When you said I had to wear a tie, I thought we were going to the Champagne Room at Ritz Dollhouse. Not that I would know their requirements!

Denise: Sorry – no strippers. But, if you play your cards right, you’ll get your own private sohw, later tonight on the futon on ya’ mother’s sunporch!

Sully: Your mother’s sunporch!

Denise: You ah!

[ they proceed to make out, as Denise’s younger brother Danny separates them ]

Danny: Hey, hey, hey! Knock it off! You’re gonna put people off their chowdah!

Denise: [ groans ] What was paported to be a romantic evening, has blossomed into a full-blown family affair, as we are accompanied by my little brother Danny.

Danny: Call me Dadoo!

Sully: Why is he heah?

Denise: My mother went to Foxwoods.

Sully: For the wonder of it all?

Denise: Yeah. And I cannot leave him unattended, because, if he gets arrested one more time, he’ll become a ward of the state!

[ Maitre’D approaches ]

Maitre’D: May I help you?

Denise: Uh, yeah.. we have a reservation, under “Zazoo”.

Sully: Nice! [ to the camcorder ] Never use your real name, in case you decide to dine and dash!

Maitre’D: [ disgusted ] Table for three?

Denise: Uh, yeah.. [ points to Dadoo ] ..but this one will not be eating.

Sully: Uh.. make sure it’s a nice table there – not too close to the crack! [ slips the Maitre’D a single dollar bill ]

Maitre’D: [ chuckles ]

Denise: Nice!

Maitre’D: [ leads the trio to their table ] Here we are.

Denise: Ah.. delightful.

[ the three of them sit at the table ]

Sully: Denise, this is the greatest birthday of my life! There’s magic in the air.. and I just want to say that I am madly in love.. eith the Boston Red Sox! Down, but not OUT, baby!! Yeah! [ working the other diners ] When I say “Red Sox”, you say NOMAAAARR!!” RED SOX!!

Crowd: NOMAAAARRRR!!

Sully: [ pointing ] That lady didn’t say it! You’re a jinx! I will take you down like Don Zimmer!

Denise: [ to the camcorder ] Sully is very superstitious.

Sully: Yeah! I will not shave my beard until the series is over! [ camera zooms in on the practically hairless beard upon Sully’s face ]

Denise: Oh, my Gawd..

[ Waiter approaches ]

Waiter: Good evening, uh.. my name is Michael, and I’ll be your server this evening. Can I get you a beverage to start?

Sully: Strawberry daiquiri.

Denise: A chocolate mudslide.

Danny: Amaretto and cream.

Waiter: Great! Can I see some IDs?

Sully: Iced tea!

Denise: Diet Coke.

Danny: Chocolate milk.

Waiter: Fantastic! I’l be right back.

Sully: Good Lord, Denise.. this place is pricey.

Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Sully.. we’re livin’ large tonight. We’re like Ben and J. Lo in the box seats, I swear to Gawd! If you want, you can even get Surf ‘N Turf.

Sully: I’ll surf your turf!

Denise: You’re a wicked moron!

Sully: You ahh!

[ they make out ]

Danny: [ raises his lit menu ] Hey, Chief? I’m gonna need another menu. This one’s on fire!

Waiter: [ rushes in ] Oh, my God! Sorry!

Denise: Oh, my Gawd..

Sully: Hey! Knock it off, you pyro!

Denise: Leave him alone! You know he’s got problems!

Sully: This kid enjoys fires the way other people enjoy, say.. a work of art.. or intercourse.

Danny: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Denise: Gawd.. On the bright side, Danny’s problems may turn into cold, hard cash for the McDunna Family. We’reexpecting a $300,000 settlement from the Boston Archdiocese. And, though I cannot specify why, suffice it to say, my brother’s cherubic good looks did play a major part!

Danny: I was only minorly diddled – only minorly.

Waiter: Are we ready to order?

Denise: Uh.. yeah! I will have the Tuna Tartar – well done.. and the gentleman will have a Surf ‘N Turf.

Sully: And no vegetables, please! If there is a vegetable mattah on my plate, the meal will be comp! Thank you.

Danny: And for you, sir?

Denise: Oh, my Gawd – he’s totally fine with just bread!

Danny: [ holds his lit napkin ] Except, I’m gonna need a new napkin – this one’s on fire!

Waiter: Right away, sir..

Denise: Danny!

[ suddenly, Frank enters ]

Frank: De-nise! I had a problem with your car.

Denise: Frank! What are you talkin’ about?

Frank: After youse went inside, I saw smoke comin’ out of the glove compartment, so I opened it! Somebody had lit all your parking tickets on fire! So I poured my bottle of Sprite on it.. but, I forgot – inside my Sprite bottle, I have Vodka! Then, the whole thing lit up.

Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Danny! See what you did!

Danny: I didn’t do it! I did this one! [ points to the table’s flaming centerpiece ]

Waiter: Oh, my God! alright, you know what?! That is it! That is it! Get out of here! You clearly do not know the proper way to eat out!!

Sully: [ smiles, looks at the camcorder ] Tommy! Please tell me you got that! [ jumps up from the table as they make their exit ] When I say “Red Sox”, you say NOMAAAARR!!” RED SOX!!

Crowd: NOMAAAARRRR!!

[ fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Direct TV

Gary Busey…..Jeff Richards

[ open on Gary Busey, reading a letter from a Direct TV subscriber ]

Gary Busey: “Dear Direct TV: I’ve been a subscriber of your service for 38 days, and I’m writing to tell you–“

[ stops reading ]

Hold on a second, can I just say something here? As me, Gary Busey? I agree with this guy – Direct TV, you are great! My attention is so rapt with your sheer volume of boobie channels, that now.. the only time I have to leave the house is to go to the ATM and/or the emergency room!

There’s so many boobie channels, that I often find myself running from room to room! My pants around my ankles! It’s a gas! Sometimes, I put two TVs, side by side.. and then I can see four boobies at once!

One time, I fell asleep in a satellite dish, woke up with this hellacious sunburn and the ability to smell colors! [ sniffs ] “Direct TV.. blahbity, blah blah blah.. [ farts ] Here’s a little piece of trivia for you – my farts.. smell like butterscotch. It’s not a joke – they either smell like butt or Scotch.

[ finishes reading letter ]

“Signed.. Thomas Jacob, Direct TV subscriber.”

[ looks offscreen ] Was that alright? Did you get it all, hombres? Hey, come on, don’t be mad! I’m just trying to spice this stinkburger up a little bit!

[ cut to Direct TV logo ]

Announcer: Become a Direct TV fan, for just $39.99 a month.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

The Barry Gibb Talk Show

Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake
Arianna Huffington…..Rachel Dratch
Al Franken…..Jeff Richards
Cruz Bustamonte…..Horatio Sanz
Announcer…..Steve Higgins

[ open on Barry and Robin Gibb standing under disco ball, their guests seated in the background ]

Announcer: It’s “The Barry Gibb Talk Show”!

[ the theme song that plays is based off the Bee Gees song “Nights On Broadway” ]

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in falsetto ] “Here we are..”

Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are..

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in falsetto ] “..in a room full of strangers..”

Announcer: ..former California recall candidate Arianna Huffington.

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in falsetto ] “..discussin’ politics..”

Announcer: ..Lt. Governor Cruz Bustamonte..

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in falsetto ] “..and the issues of the daaaayy..”

Announcer: ..author of “Lies & The Liars Who Tell Them:

Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] “Well, I’m going to talk to you.”

Announcer: ..A Fair & Balanced Look At The Right”, author Al Franken!

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in harmony ] “..though you may not want me to..”

Announcer: And, as always..

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in harmony ] “..I’m still gonna talk to you.”

Announcer: ..Barry’s brother Robin.

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in harmony ]
“I don’t care what you saay.

Talkin’ it up!
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Talkin’ about issues
Talkin’ about real important issues.

Talkin’ it up!
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Checkin’ out politics
In this crazy, crazy tow-own!”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Your host – Barry Gibb!

[ Barry speaks in staccato throughout the sketch ]

Barry Gibb: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Let’s get right to it. This is my show, and this is a non-nonsense show. I’m not gonna take any crap from nobody! [ a beat ] This week’s election. Robin.. did you vote?

Robin Gibb: No.

Barry Gibb: No, you didn’t vote?

Robin Gibb: No, I didn’t.

Barry Gibb: Okay. Arianna Huffington.. you saw this thing from the inside. What effect do you think this is going to have on California politics as a whole..?

Arianna Huffington: Oh, tremendous! Tremendous effect, Barry! You know —

Barry Gibb: You know, you know, you know – let us interrupt for a second.. You know what has a tremendous effect on me? The sound of your grating voice!! Everytime you speak, it feels like someone’s dropping a CAR BATTERY on my SACK!! MY GOD!! Do you ever LISTEN to yourself?!! I’m GLAD you LOST the election!! Agghhh! [ a beat ] Robin? Do you have anything to add?

Robin Gibb: No.. no, I don’t..

Barry Gibb: No, nothing at all? [ continues ] Al Franken. You have the best-selling book, all about the right. What is Gov. Schwarzenegger pro-choice program.. for gun contr-o-o-l, for the Republican pa-a-arty?

Al Franken: Oh, boy! Uh.. well, uh.. that’s-that’s an interesting question! [ chuckles ]

Barry Gibb: Ha ha! Before you get started ,I just want to warn you – I’m not Bill O’Reilly!! You start and SMART TALK with ME, and I will END IT!! I didn’t go to your hasty pudding, “Let’s all dress up like girls” school! I grew up on the streets of SYDNEY!! And no matter where I am in the studio-o-o-o.. I’m never more than fi-i-ve seconds away from a gu-u-unn! [ a beat ] Uh, Robin.. do you have anything to a-a-add?

Robin Gibb: No.. no, I don’t..

Barry Gibb: No, you don’t. How about we sing the next guest’s name?

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in harmony ]
“Cru-u-u-u-uz! Bustamonte-e-e-e-e!
Talkin’ about Cru-hu-hu-hu-huz Bustamonte-e-e-e!”

Barry Gibb: “‘ey.”

Robin Gibb: “‘ey.”

Barry Gibb: You’re still Lt. Governor, right?

Cruz Bustamonte: First of all.. it’s delightful how you say my name, and you sing it like that! I love it! I’m a real big fan! When I was growing up, I thought you guys were the greatest band around!

Barry Gibb: Oh yeah, huh? You-you-you thought we.. you thought we were the greatest? You hear that, Robin? We were! WERE!! Huh? [ snaps ] Don’t you EVER talk to me like that AGAIN!! I’M BARRY GIBB!! [ demonstrates a karate kick in the air ] You know what that means?! I put this whole show together! I’m Barry Gibb – I wil PUT you in the GROUND!! Agh agh agh agh agh! [ singing ] “I’ll put you in the ground! I’ll put you in the ground – yeah!”

Robin Gibb: [ singing ] “..in the grou-ound!”

Barry Gibb: “..put you in the ground, me and my brother’ll help me put you in the ground – yeah!”

[ regains his composure ]

Well.. that’s all the time we have. [ singing ] “We.. have.. bee-een..”

Barry & Robin Gibb: [ singing in harmony ]
“Talkin’ it up
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show!
Talkin’ about chest hair
Talkin’ about crazy cool medallions!

Talkin’ it up
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show!
Talkin’ about, hah hah hah!
Talkin’ about hah hah hah..!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Goodnights

…..Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake: Alright, thanks to Carl Weathers! And I want to take this opportunity to say – I’m going to run for Governor of California! Thanks, everybody! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Karl Rove…..Jeff Richards
Ann Coulter…..Amy Poehler
Gary Coleman…..Kenan Thompson

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! A White House leak exposes the name of an undercover CIA agent! You got so many bullets flying around Iraq, it’s starting to look like the final scene in “Scarface“! A study of the national deficit’s higher than Rush Limbaugh at a Mexican pharmacy! Don’t look now, people, but President Bush’s approval rating is going down faster than Paris Hilton in the back of Limp Bizkit’s tourbus! [ slaps the top of his desk ] I got a million of ’em, people!

With little more than a year away from Election 2004, is the President in trouble? Joining us today, the man who makes Bush dance like a marionette, the man who plays Willie Tyler to George Bush’s Lester – Republican strategist and secret ruler of the Western world, Karl Rove!

Karl Rove: It’s nice to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Shut it!! Your Jedi mind tricks ain’t gonna work on me, Lord Vader! Also joining us, author of the book “Slander And Treason”, a woman full of more vile than Nick Nolte’s liver – Ann Coulter!

Ann Coulter: Typical slander from the liberal media..

Chris Matthews: That wasn’t slander! Now, if I’d said you look like a kneecap with hair – that would be slander!

Karl Rove, we’re gonna start with you! Bush is really taking heat for this leak, which some believe is dirty politics! Have you located the source?

Karl Rove: Chris, the White house does not in any condone this leak issue, and we are doing everything we can to find the person responsible. I, personally, went as far to purchase.. [ holds up detective hat ] ..this hat.. [ holds up magnifying glass ] ..this magnifying glas.. [ puts detetive pipe in his mouth ] ..and this pipe. But, still nothing. But we’re hopeful.

Chris Matthews: Keep us posted! Ann Coulter, what do you make of this leak situation? Is the Bush administration telling us the whole story, or what?!

Ann Coulter: Chris, I am outraged. For you to even insinuate that the Bush administration isn’t being truthful, is treason.

Chris Matthews: Huh. Interesting. Wouldn’t it also be treason for a White House official to leak the name of an undercover CIA officer?

Ann Coulter: [ a lengthy pause as she is stuck for an answer ] Traitor!

Chris Matthews: Answer the question!

Ann Coulter: Maybe you should stop being a traitor, and start being a traita-hata!

Chris Matthews: What?!

Ann Coulter: What’s the matter, are you thirsty? You want some Traitor-Ade?

Chris Matthews: Okay, now you’re just being childish!

Ann Coulter: No, I’m not! I’m rubber, you’re glue; everything you say —

Chris Matthews: Hey, Lockjaw! Zip it! I can smell your soul rotting from here!

Joining us now, is a man who finished eighth in the California racde, but probably has a better chance of becoming President than any of the Democrats currently running – Mr. Gary Coleman!

[ cut to Gary Coleman sitting on an oversized chair behind an oversized desk ]

[ SUPER: “Gary Coleman. Actor/Punchline” ]

Gary Coleman: Good evening, Chris!

Chris Matthews: Gary, what did you learn from the Governor’s race, and will you run again for office?

Gary Coleman: Well, Chris.. I learned not to dwell so much on the opportunities I’ve lost. Excuse me for one second.. [ grabs an oversized coffee mug from off-camera, and takes a sip ] But, rather, to focus on the issues of my campaign. People of California: I don’t want gto molest you, like that episode with Dudley in the back of that weird dude’s bike shop! I simply wanna be your governor! And, mark my words, in the very near future, Gary Coleman will hold public office.

Chris Matthews: Oh, yeah? I got another prediction: in the near future, Gary Coleman will be cleaning a public office! Final thoughts!

Gary Coleman: Well, Chris.. while on the campaign trail, I was constantly asked the same question: “Why should I vote for you, Webster?” To wit, I answer: “Because.. [ singing ] what might be right for you.. may not be right for so-o-ome!” I’m Gary Coleman, and that is what I’m talkin’ about, Willis!

Chris Matthews: I knew booking you was a good idea! Ann Coulter, you melted Barbie doll – you got anything else?!

Ann Coulter: This program is full of lies, and treason, and uh.. slanderous lies, treasontons, slandertons.. tries.. rander.. and sleazen! And, if you want me on the show again, the answer is Yes.

Chris Matthews: [ laughs ] Good Lord! I would call you “media whore”, but I feel that would be offensive to whores! Ha!! Karl Rove, any final words before you slink back into the shadowy cave where you ocntrol the whole world?!

Karl Rove: Yes, Chris. Uh, we determined the source of the leak, and it turns out it was me! What are you gonna do about it?

Chris Matthews: Uh.. I’m gonna report you to the authorities.

Karl Rove: Wrong move, smart guy. Shut it down, guys! Shut this whole down!

[ an assembly crew with Karl Rove enters the “Hardball” set and dismantles it around Chris Matthews ]

Chris Matthews: You know, I should have seen that coming. When we come back, I’m gonna be broadcasting from a cell at Guantanamo Bay. But, until then.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Rainbow Connection

…..Justin Timberlake
Kermit/Bill…..Will Forte

[ open on Timberlake standing in front of a faux brick wall ]

Justin Timberlake: Growing up, the two shows I never missed were.. “Saturday Night Live”.. and “The Muppet Show”. So, if you don’t mind, there’s antoher dream I’ve always had, and that’s to sing.. with Kermit the Frog.

[ Kermit the Frog appears atop the brick wall ]

Hello, Kermit.

Kermit: Justin, I’d be honored to sing with you.

Justin Timberlake: Well, I just figured.. when’s the next time you’re gonna have a chance, right?

Kermit: Well, uh.. what shall we sing?

Justin Timberlake: I’ve already got it picked out.

[ SNL Band accompanies the duo by playing “The Rainbow Connection” ]

Kermit: Awww.. this is a nice one!

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]
“Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows?
And what’s on the other side.”

Kermit: [ singing ]
“Rainbows are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide.”

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]
“So we’ve been told
And some choose to believe.”

Kermit: [ singing ] “I know they’re wrong, wait and see.”

Together:
“Someday we’ll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me.”

Kermit: You’re a very good singer, Justin.

Justin Timberlake: You’re not so bad yourself, Kermit.

Kermit: Maybe you and Kiki Dee should cut an album! [ laughs ]

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]
“Who says that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on a morning star.”

[ Justin leans in too close to Kermit ]

Kermit: Ow!

Justin Timberlake: Sorry..

Kermit: Careful, Justin – you stepped on my buddy’s leg there!

[ singing ]

“Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it’s done so far.”

[ Justin leans in too close again ]

Ow!!

Justin Timberlake: Sorry!

Kermit: I’ve been telling you all week!!

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ]
“What’s so amazing
That keeps us star-gazing?”

Kermit: “And what do we think we might see?”

[ Justin has again gotten too close to Kermit ]

Seriously! BACK OFF!!

Justin Timberlake: Is this any better? [ reaches behind the brick wall and kicks Kermit’s puppeteer ]

Kermit: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Justin Timberlake: [ yelling ] Yeah, you like that, don’t you, Kermit?!

[ in the mad scuffle, Timberlake kicks down the brick wall to reveal Kermit’s puppeteer sprawled across the floor in pain. He continues to speak to Timberlake through Kermit. ]

Kermit: Guys! Guys! Stop fighting! This song is about togetherness!

Justin Timberlake: He’s right..

Kermit: Bill? Can you say to Justin that you’re sorry for shoving him?

Bill: [ meekly ] I’m sorry, Justin..

Kermit: And, Justin? Can you say you’re sorry to Bill for being a douchebag?

Justin Timberlake: I am not.. a douchebag..

Kermit: [ singing ]
“Someday we’ll find itThe rainbow connectionThe lovers, the douchebag, and me.”

[ angered, Timberlake continues to beat up Kermit’s puppeteer ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

…..Justin Timberlake
Audience Member…..Steve Higgins

Justin Timberlake: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It is so exciting to be here! I’ve watched this show since I was a wee little boy. I remember my mom would let me stay up late. That was way, way, way back in the day, when.. Molly Shannon and Chris Kattan were on the show. And now, I’m here! I’ve been touring the country all summer.. and, my favorite thing to do towards the end of my concert is.. is, uh.. actually bring somebody up from the audience, up on the stage, and then sing a song for them. So.. I thoughyt I’d start the show tonight by doing just that. Who? [ audience applauds wildly in anticipation ] So, everybody got their ticket? I’m gonna pick the, uh.. the lucky winner.. right now.. [ pulls number ] who is.. whoever is seated in Row — Seat G-14.

[ camera pans across the audience, until we see a middle-aged male audience member jump excitedly from his seat clutching his ticket ]

Audience Member: Me!! G-14!! [ laughs excitedly ] G-14!!

Justin Timberlake: Okay.. My fans are usually a little younger.. and a.. different gender.

Audience Member: [ excited, laughs ]

Justin Timberlake: Let me guess. You have a daughter.

Audience Member: Yes, I do! Yes, I do! [ laughs ] She’s a real — she’s a really big fan of yours. And she plays your music so much, you know, I.. I ended up liking it, too!

Justin Timberlake: Well, thanks. What’s your daughter’s name?

Audience Member: Anna.

Justin Timberlake: Oh. Well.. [ in the direction of the audience ] Well, hey, Anna.. maybe she would like to come down, and then I could sing a song —

Audience Member: Oh, my God, she would love to! But we only had the one ticket – she’s at home watching. [ waves at the camera ] Hey, Anna!

Justin Timberlake: Great. Okay. Well, uh.. what song do you want me to sing?

Audience Member: Whatever you usually sing would be nice, you know?

Justin Timberlake: I usually sing “Take It From Here”.

Audience Member: Thank you! Yes!

Justin Timberlake: Uh.. I actually give the girl a rose, too..

Audience Member: [ laughs ]

Justin Timberlake: Ready?

Audience Member: Ready. [ excited ]

Justin Timberlake: [ begins to sing an acoustic version of “Take It From Here”, then quickly pulls the plug when he sees the Audience Member getting too into it ] Okay, you know what? I can’t do this! I can’t sing this song to you, dude! I’ll tell you what, I’ll do a different song. What’s your favorite song to hear me sing?

Audience Member: The one you do about Britney.

Justin Timberlake: Okay, what’s your second favorite song by me?

Audience Member: How about.. “Rock Your Body”?

Justin Timberlake: “Rock Your Body”?! Great!

Audience Member: “Rock Your Body”! Come on!

Justin Timberlake: No, no, no, no – I’m goinna go over there —

Audience Member: You’re gonna go over there. Okay.

Justin Timberlake: You stay here —

Audience Member: Great! I’ll wait here!

Justin Timberlake: — and you introduce me from the stage.

Audience Member: I will introduce you, Justin!

Justin Timberlake: Okay.

Audience Member: Okay. Before.. before you go, could you do me one favor? Just sign an autograph?

Justin Timberlake: Sure.

Audience Member: [ opens his shirt ] “To Glen.”

Justin Timberlake: I don’t sign dudes’ breasts.

Audience Member: Of course you don’t.. of course you don’t.. [ closes his shirt ]

Justin Timberlake: Thanks.

Audience Member: I’ll be here; you’ll be there! [ Timberlake walks over to the musical guests stage ] Ladies and gentlemen! Singing my second favorite song in the world, “Rock Your Body” – Mr. Justin Timberlake!

[ camera pans over to the musica guest stage, as Timberlake and his band perform “Rock Your Body” ]

[ at finish, Timberlake re-addresses the audience ]

Justin Timberlake: We’ve got a great show. I’m Justin Timberlake. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Punk’d

Ashton Kutcher…..Justin Timberlake
Lawyer…..Chris Parnell
Fred Durst…..Jeff Richards
Mugger #1…..Kenan Thompson
Mugger #2…..Horatio Sanz
Christina Aguilera…..Maya Rudolph
50 Cent…..Finesse Mitchell
Dax…..Will Forte

Ashton Kutcher(VO): You watched the “Real World – You Never Saw: Las Vegas.” You seen Jackass Steve-o “Don’t Try This at Home.” Now MTV drops a special edition DVD of their newest hit show “Punk’d: Barely Legal,” starring me, Ashton Kutcher. I’m awesome! [appears] Here’s the deal, I’m Ashton Kutcher. I’m awesome! We’re showing you all the pranks we weren’t allowed to put on MTV but now we can, because my lawyer found a loophole. Ain’t that right, man?

Lawyer: Well it’s not really a loophole. What you’re doing is actually very illegal, Ashton

Ashton Kutcher: Call me Kooch [pushes him out of the frame] Check out when we punk Fred Durst!

[Fred comes out of a backstage door, 2 muggers with guns approach him]

Mugger #1: Hey Fred Durst! Fred Durst!

Mugger #2: Gimme your wallet Fred Durst!

Fred Durst: Please don’t hurt me. Please don’t hurt my beautiful face. I’ll do anything. I’ll – I’ll touch you wiener. I’ll touch your —

Ashton Kutcher: [appears] What’s going on in here? Ha! Fred Durst you just got Punk’d. They didn’t even ask you to touch their wiener – you just offered it. I’m awesome!

[just him in the frame] Ha! What a wuss. Why am I so kick ass? Is it because I ‘m dating Demi Moore? Yeah, you know it. Ha! Here’s one you won’t see on t.v. Watch how we punk Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera: [in a recording studio]
“I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
Yes words can’t bring me down.”

[dry heaves]

Oh my god. What’s wrong with me? I’ve been sick all mornin’.

Ashton Kutcher: [appears] You’re gonna be a mom!

Christina Aguilera: What?

Ashton Kutcher: You just got Punk’d! We switched out your birth control pills.

Christina Aguilera: Oh my God. You got me. You are so good.

Ashton Kutcher: I know I am. I’m Aston Kutcher. I’m awesome!

[just him in the frame] Hahaha! Hilarious as usual.

Lawyer: Really problematic. I don’t think you can release the DVD – [Ashton pushes him out of the frame]

Ashton Kutcher: My life is perfect! But sometimes the pranks aren’t. That’s when you gotta use the ole noodle. Like when we tried to punk 50 Cent. Watch Dax make him think there’s a monster in his room!

50 Cent: [in a bedroom, walks to the bathroom, jumps back and shuts the door] Yo, I’m not going in there. There’s a vampire in the bathtub.

[Dax comes out and 50 Cent shoots him repeatedly, finally throwing the empty gun at him]

Ashton Kutcher: [appears, laughing] Dude that’s awesome! You didn’t know that you were gonna kill somebody. And Dax didn’t even know he was gonna get killed. It’s a double punk!

[jumping on the bed]

I’m awesome! I’m Ashton Kutcher. I love Justin Timberlake [jumps out of the scene]

Ashton Kutcher (VO): “Punk’d: Barely Legal” available every place that’s awesome!

Submitted by: Catrina

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Justin’s Dressing Room

…..Maya Rudolph
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Amy Poehler
…..Justin Timberlake

Maya: I think he’s even cuter in person.

Rachel: I know. He’s totally adorable.

Maya: I know.

Amy: Who? Who’s totally adorable?

Maya: What do you mean who? Justin Timberlake.

Amy: Eh.

Rachel: “Eh”…What do you mean “eh?”

Amy: I don’t know. I mean I love his album. And I mean I get it – I think he’s cute. But he just doesn’t really do it for me.

Maya: What?!

Rachel: You’re crazy!

Amy: Well I gotta go talk to your “boyfriend” about my sketch, so I’ll tell him that you love him.

Maya: Ugh, lucky.

Amy: [knocks on Justin’s dressing room door] Hey Justin.

Justin: Oh hey.

Amy: Hey, um, can I talk to you about the leprechaun sketch? Uh…it’s kinda noisy, you want me to close the door?

Justin: Why? Are we gonna make out?

Amy: [laughs nervously] What?

Justin: I-I was just kidding. Here, sit down.

Amy: Ok, um, there’s just a note I want to give you about the pot of gold part…

Justin: [gets closer] Oh I love the pot of gold part.

Amy: You do?

Justin: Yeah it’s funny.

Amy: Oh…you’re really funny in it.

Justin: Well we’re pretty awesome together.

Amy: [laughs nervously] Yeah. How old are you?

Justin: 22.

Amy: Wow you’re really mature.

Justin: Thanks.

[Amy stares at him]

Justin: So what about the scene?

Amy: Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. Um, the pot of gold’s already gonna be out there so you don’t need to bring it out. So, ya know, it’ll give you a little bit more time.

Justin: Ok cool.

Amy: Ok.

Justin: So, is that it?

Amy: Yeah.

Justin: Was it good for you?

Amy: [laughs nervously] “Was it good for you?” Like we were gonna have sex or something. God can you imagine that? [seriously] I mean can you imagine that?

Justin: Awkward…Well I gotta go get ready for the a –

Amy: Yeah totally. I get it. Um, Sorry I bothered you Jerstin. Jerstin?! I just called you Jerstin. You’re Justin. You’re Justin Timberlake. Why would I say Jer—I’m spitting on you too. Here let me wipe it off. [rubs on his chest and goes into his shirt a little]

Justin: Yeah ok. Ok thanks Rachel.

Amy: Oh, I’m Amy.

Justin: Sorry.

Amy: It doesn’t matter You’re the best! I really enjoy working with you [shakes his hand]

Justin: Alright

Amy: And you’ve just been really good tonight [clings to him by wrapping her arms and legs around him] Just, just just let me do this. Just let me do this.

Justin: Can somebody help me out here? [walks out with her still attached to him]

Submitted by: Catrina

SNL Transcripts