Category: 2003

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

A Message From Nick Lachey And Jessica Simpson

Nick Lachey…..Jimmy Fallon
Jessica Simpson…..Justin Timberlake

Announcer: And now, a message from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

Nick Lachey: Hi. I’m Nick Lachey, formerly of the band 98 Degrees, and currently of.. well.. nothing.

Jessica Simpson: And I’m his wife Jessica Simpson, formerly of the band.. Jessica Simpson.

Nick Lachey: Recently, thanks to our TV show “Newlyweds”, a lot of people have been saying a lot of nasty things about my wife!

Jessica Simpson: Seriously, you guys – it’s totally me! I’m not stupid! Okay.. okay, so I’m not some fancy “middle school” graduate! Big whoop! Would my life really be any better if I went to whatever comes after middle school?! I don’t thknk so!

Nick Lachey: Look, here’s the deal – I’ve known Jessica for a long time, and I know she’s not gonna cure cancer, okay? To be honest.. I wouldn’t even trust her to cure a ham.

Jessica Simpson: [ concerned ] Awwww.. the ham is sick?

Nick Lachey: Once we got past all that.. I realized something very important – she wasn’t going to let me have sex with her unless we were married.

Jessica Simpson: Uh-uh, no way!

Nick Lachey: So.. so I married her, and it was awesome! Like, really, really awesome! Then, it got less awesome. Then, it got awesome again, from different angles – you know what I mean.

Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] What are you talking about, honey?

Nick Lachey: Uh.. don’t worry about it. Uh.. the point is – everyone should just back off, okay?

Jessica Simpson: For reals, y’all! You guys are just overreacting! So what if I thought Chicken of the Sea tuna was actually chicken?! Or that I thought buffalo wings were actually made out of buffalos?! So what if I cried for three whole days when I thought that Peter Pan was ground up to make peanut butter?! So what if I never learn to read or write?! And, when I sign autographs, I have to sign with an “X“?!

Nick Lachey: Okay honey, that’s enough.. we’ve got it–

Jessica Simpson: No, Nick! It’s not enough! I want these people to know that it hurt my feelings.. [ begins to weep ] ..when they say I’m not ed-u-ma-cated, or whatever! I mean, if I’m so retarded, how come my driver’s license says.. “functionally retarded”?!

Nick Lachey: Okay, honey, th-that’s drop that..!

Jessica Simpson: So, in conclusion, you may call me “Dumb”.. you may call me “Stupid”.. you may even call me “Dumb“.. but think about this! [ leans back, quiet ]

Nick Lachey: Wh-what, honey? Think about what?

Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] What?

Nick Lachey: The point. You were making a point?

Jessica Simpson: When? [ a beat ] Can we go, honey? I have to drop the kids off at the pool!

Nick Lachey: That’s great, that’s great, that’s great..

Jessica Simpson: When I said “pool”, I meant “toilet”!

Nick Lachey: Okay, I got it–

Jessica Simpson: And “kids” meant “poop!“

Nick Lachey: Okay, okay..

Announcer: This has been a message from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

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03b: Justin Timberlake

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

When voters in California went to the polls Tuesday for the gubernatoral recall race, they found the names of the 135 contenders on a ballot six pages long. Thus, making it the longest thing most Californians have ever read.

In his first news conference after being elected Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger promised to “clean house in Sacramento.” He also threatened to “molest the energy crisis” and to “date rape the deficit.”

Jimmy Fallon: For the first time, the annual event Gay Day, in which homosexuals gather at Disneyland, was held at EuroDisney in Paris. It was the largest gathering of gay men in Paris since “The Day Before.”

A Harlem man, Antoine Yates, is recovering in a hospital, after being mauled by a pet 400-pound tiger, which he was keeping in his apartment. Thus dealying the opening of the new Las Vegas show: Siegfried & Antoine.

Tina Fey: In an effort to improve her image, Shannen Doherty has signed on to produce and act in a new sitcom about a young woman with a reputation for being difficult. and mean, but who’s really kind at heart. Doherty will play that woman’s bitchy friend.

Next month, a flawless $10 million diamond the soze of a walnut will go on auction at sothrby’s. And just in time, because Kobe Bryant’s wife has a birthday coming up.

Speaking of which, the preliminary hearing in Kobe Bryant’s rape trial turned ugly on Thursday, when Pamela Mackey, Bryant’s lawyer, “accidentally” said his accuser’s name in court, violating Colorado privacy laws. And, after being admoished by the judge, Mackey went on to repeat the woman’s name five times, which is really bad. Because what lawyer Pamela Mackey did by mentioning the qwomean’s name, is to put hwer at risk of further harassment. A laweyer, like Pamela Mackey, of the Colorado firm Haddon, Morgan, Mueller, George, Mackey & Foreman – which is probably in the 303 area code – should know that people can go on the internet and look up any name, like Joe Smith, or, I don’t know – Pamela Mackey – and learn everything about them, and call them and mess with them, and stuff! So, be mroe careful, lawyer Pamela Mackey, because I heard a rumor that you’re a little unstable, and you like to give wobble jobs to homeless guys! And, I want you to focus up and win this trial. I’m Pamela Mackey – back to you, Pamela Mackey!

Jimmy Fallon: Environmentalists announced this week that two dams on a river in Maine are to be torn down, in an effort to encourage salmon to return to the river to spawn. Also encouraging salmon to spawn: salmon porn.

Tina Fey: After a week of speculation by the press, Rush Limbaugh aditted on Friday that he is addicted to painkillers, and, I’m sorry to say, hoagies.

Limbaugh blames his addiction on a botched back operation – and lesbians.

Female Dutch athletes will appear nude on a Pay-Per-View website to pay for their training. And they are showing everything! We’re talking full-frontal duffenstorken.. shaved skrunk.. pootenschtabs.. girl-on-girl gorking —

Jimmy Fallon: I-I heard, uh.. one of them even had their glooberschnook in a stugenslume.

Tina Fey: No way! They’re showing their cloberhabinschnit?

Jimmy Fallon: Zork!

Tina Fey: Ooh! Flerm!

[ they pause to mark the end of the scene ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ laughing ] Iraq awarded its first nationwide mobile —

[ still cracking up ] Flerm??

Iraq awarded its first nationwide mobile telephone licenses to three Middle Eastern companies on Monday, saying service could begin by the end of the month. This means Iraq will soon be able to talk anywhere at any time, about how they have no electricty or food.

Tina Fey: Now, this is an odd story. Last week, a couple hiking on a remote mountain in Sweden found seventy pairs of shoes, all filled with butter. To see something like that here in America, you would have to travel all the way to Starr Jones’ closet.

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Carl Weathers for Governor

…..Carl Weathers

Voice Over: Jesse Ventura… Arnold Swartzenegger… mavericks… Americans… governors… and stars of the movie “Predator.”

Carl Weathers: Just like me, Carl Weathers. Hi, I’m Carl Weathers. I’m the black guy from “Predator.” This American classic has already provided two state governors and frankly, I’d like to be the third. I’m not fussy; I mean any state is fine. And while I’ve never voted personally, I was in the movie “Predator,” where I played the black guy. My compatriot and good friend Arnold Swartzenegger said “Hasta La Vista” to politics as usual when he “terminated” Gray Davis. Well I’d like to think that I’ve got the Apollo credentials to be your governor. Why? Because I am a man of action – Jackson. And I was in “Predator.” Alright I know what you’re thinking. Wasn’t Danny Glover the black guy from “Predator?” And shouldn’t he, therefore, be your governor? No. That was “Predator 2.” Doesn’t America deserve better than the star of “Predator 2?” The America I know and love won’t settle for less. But more importantly, do you remember that I was in “Predator?” Well, I was in “Predator.”

Voice Over: Carl Weathers for Governor. He was the black guy in “Predator.”

Submitted by: Catrina

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 18th, 2003

Halle Berry

Britney Spears

Zachary Woodlee

George Wendt
Kobe BryantSummary: Kobe Bryant (Finesse Mitchell) and his wife Vanessa (Maya Rudolph) argue with one another before his rape trial.

Transcript

Montage

Halle Berry’s MonologueSummary: Lorne Michaels wants to see Halle Berry and Britney Spears kiss.

Bio: Named for Halle’s Department Store in her Cleveland, Ohio hometown, Halle Berry (1966-) became the first African-American woman to win an Academy Award in 2002, for “Monster’s Ball.”

Transcript

GaystrogenSummary: The pill that prevents middle-aged homosexuals from losing their gay sex drive.

Transcript

The Don Zimmer Sports SpectacularSummary: Don Zimmer (Horatio Sanz) is repeatedly slammed to the ground by his guests.

Recurring Characters: Bob Costas, Pete Rose.

Transcript

Donatella VersaceSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) throws her annual Halloween party.

Note: Model played by Zachary Woodlee.

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John.

Tel-e-LinkSummary: Happy phone-line customers tout their good service using technobabble.

Quick OnesSummary: The pills office workers use to simulate the sexual experience.

Transcript

Sushi BarSummary: Starkisha (Finesse Mitchell) celebrates her birthday at a sushi bar with friends.

Recurring Characters: Starkisha, Appreciante.

The Sunday National EnquirerSummary: Provides special edition fake news stories to brighten your weekend.

Britney Spears performs “Me Against The Music”Also Appeared: 99s, 01l.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Indian comic Billy Smith (Fred Armisen) tells less-than-stellar jokes. Superfan Bob Swerski (George Wendt) offers a sports commentary with his moron nephew (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Billy Smith, Bob Swerski.

Transcript

The Best of KlymaxxSummary: Klymaxx’s greatest spoken-over performances.

Tom BrokawSummary: Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) is persuaded to record an answering machine message for his make-up girl (Halle Berry).

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw.

Britney Spears performs “Everytime”

Ashford & Simpson FanSummary: A woman’s (Halle Berry) day turns brighter when she meets Ashford (Kenan Thompson) & Simpson (Maya Rudolph).

SpeedreaderSummary: A speedreader (Will Forte) quickly hits on a woman (Halle Berry) at a bar.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Gaystrogen

Steven…..Chris Parnell
Russ…..Fred Armisen
Black Gay Guy…..Finesse Mitchell

[ open on gay man Steven sitting on couch typing on his laptop computer, a pair of tiny dogs by his side ]

Announcer: Have your tastes changed, for no apparent reason?

[ gay man Russ pushes the dogs off the couch, and sits ]

Steven: Look, Russ! I found a new place for us to get our turquoise!

Russ: [ annoyed ] Don’t we have enough turquoise already?

Announcer: Have you noticed a dramatic shift in your interests?

[ Steven is slicing vegetables in the kitchen, as Russ drifts past ]

Steven: Russ, I Tivoed “The Gilmore Girls”, and I waited to watch it with you.

[ Russ keeps on walking ]

Announcer: Have you noticed a loss of attention to detail?

[ Steven is working on a dollhouse ]

Steven: Russ, what color white should we do the trim – Candleabra.. Stucco.. or Rice?

Russ: [ annoyed ] White is white, Steven!

Steven: [ hurt ] Since when, Russ?! Since when?!

Announcer: If you’re over 45, and a gay male – you could be suffering from Queer Loss. Now there’s new Gaystrogen.

[ show Gaystrogen pills ]

[ outline is male body is shown, as the pills work their way to the crotch area, setting the male outline into a dance motion with rainbow spirals eminating from the crotch ]

Announcer: Gaystrogen works with your body, to replenish your natural gayness and boost your fabu.

[ doorbell rings, as gay guests enter ]

Gay Guy: Hello, hello!

[ they all kiss their greetings ]

[ Steven playfully lifts his arm behind his head to show off his turquoise bracelet ]

Black Gay Guy: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Where did you get this beautiful turquoise bracelet!

It was a surprise – from me!

[ Steven and Russ kiss ]

Announcer: Gaystrogen. And get back to your old self.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Goodnights

…..Halle Berry
…..Britney Spears

Halle Berry: We had a wonderful night, an amazing night! Thank you so much! Thank you to our special guest – Britney Spears!

Britney Spears: Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Kobe Bryant

Lawyer…..Chris Parnell
Kobe Bryant…..Finesse Mitchell
Vanessa Bryant…..Maya Rudolph

Lawyer: Kobe.. Vanessa.. Thank you for agreeing to another press conference. [ sighs ] I know this is hard for you, but.. the more you appear in public together, the better it is for Kobe’s trial.

Kobe Bryant: [ holding hands with his wife ] Let’s just get this over with. I don’t want to put my wife through any more pain than I already have.

Vanessa Bryant: Thank you, honey.

Lawyer: Well, we’re almost ready out there.. so I’ll give you guys a minute to collect your thoughts.

Kobe Bryant: Thank you, Paul.. thank you. Thank you, because we couldn’t do this without you..

[ Lawyer exits room ]

Vanessa Bryant: [ wrings her hands free from Kobe’s ] You better get your damn hand off me before I break it off like a chopstick!

Kobe Bryant: Baby, please..

Vanessa Bryant: Don’t you “Baby” me! If you want to address me, you’d better call me by my name: Mrs. Kobe Bryant!! So I know you’re talking to me, and not some concierge or some chambermaid, or some ho you met selling Mets jerseys outside the Meadowlands!

Kobe Bryant: Vanessa! I never talk to other girls. Just this one time —

Vanessa Bryant: Ohhh, just this one time.. when I talked to this girl for five minutes, and then I tripped and my chocolate fell into her peanut butter! Right?! I oughta break that thing off, and take it home with me!

[ Lawyer re-enters room, as the Bryants return to their fake romantic pose ]

Lawyer: Kobe, Vanessa.. it’s just gonna be a couple more minutes, because they’re fussing with the lighting.

Vanessa Bryant: Okay.

Kobe Bryant: Thank you, Paul.. thank you. I just want people to know I love my wife.. and she’s gonna stand by my side.

Vanessa Bryant: I appreciate what you’re doing for our family..

[ Lawyer exits room ]

Vanessa Bryant: [ slaps Kobe across the face ] ..’Cause we are a family! I made a damn baby for you, and if you think you’re ever cheating on me again, you out of your damn mind!!

Kobe Bryant: Vanessa.. if I could just turn back the hands of time —

Vanessa Bryant: Honey! Look at me. Look.. at.. me! Look at meeee! Do you know.. do you know how good this is, baby? Do you know how many men dream of getting some of this? I could have married anybody, honey! Allen Iverson.. Vlade Devak.. L’il Bow Wow. Honey, look! You remember this? You remember this, baby? Well, you will never.. ever.. see this again! Ne-he-ver!!

[ Lawyer re-enters; the Bryants recompose themselves ]

Lawyer: Hey.. um.. I hate to tell you this, but.. the questions may be a little graphic out there. Um.. how can I say this delicately..? Kobe.. they may accuse you of a “back court violation”.. So, I just wanted to warn you both, alright?

Vanessa Bryant: I’m not worried, Paul.. I love this man.. [ sentimental ]

[ Lawter exits room ]

Kobe Bryant: Ow! Ow!

Vanessa Bryant: I want another ring for that! Pig!

Kobe Bryant: Maybe we should just get a divorce.

Vanessa Bryant: Oh! Or maybe we should just stay married for the rest of your natural life!!

[ Vanessa smashes a glass over Kobe’s head ]

Kobe Bryant: I hate that!

Vanessa Bryant: You know what I hate? Going to my husband’s rape trial!

[ Lawyer re-enters ]

Lawyer: You guys, they’re letting the press in now, so it’ll just be another minute.

Vanessa Bryant: Okay.

[ Lawyer exits room ]

Vanessa Bryant: Do you know how the rest of your life is gonna be?

Kobe Bryant: Yes.

Vanessa Bryant: How’s it gonna be?

Kobe Bryant: Strict.

Vanessa Bryant: What’cha gonna do?

Kobe Bryant: Play basketball.

Vanessa Bryant: Mmm-hmm. And after you play basketball?

Kobe Bryant: Come home —

Vanessa Bryant: Come home with what?

Kobe Bryant: A diamond —

Vanessa Bryant: A diamond and what?

Kobe Bryant: A diamond and a dry dong..

Vanessa Bryant: That’s right, baby! And what am I?

Kobe Bryant: You’re the air I breathe.

Vanessa Bryant: And?

Kobe Bryant: And.. the strongest woman I’ve ever met.

Vanessa Bryant: And?

Kobe Bryant: Oh.. and I got you another one of these [ pulls a bracelet out of his pocket ]

Vanessa Bryant: Let’s go – put it on. [ Kobe wraps the bracelet around Vanessa’s wrist ] And what else.

Kobe Bryant: [ thinking ] Oh. And “Live, from –“

Vanessa Bryant: Oh, hell no! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Halle Berry’s Monologue

…..Halle Berry
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Britney Spears
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey

Halle Berry: Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow! Wow, I am so excited to be here tonight – thank you! I’m so excited, but first – what about those Yankees, huh? [ audience cheers ] They’re in the World Series, wow! I love live television! I’ve only been on live television twice. One of those times, I was getting that ltitle gold guy – the Oscar. [ audience cheers ] And the other time.. I got a big, big surprise.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels speaking with Britney Spears backstage ]

Lorne Michaels: Honestly, Britney. I just think people are expecting you and Halle to kiss.

Britney Spears: I don’t.. I don’t know, Lorne. I already did that Madonna thing at the VMAs – it’s, like, already done, you know?

Lorne Michaels: That was cable. I don’t think that many people watch MTV.

Britney Spears: I’m pretty sure they do.

Lorne Michaels: Actually, it’s not so much the Madonna thing – it’s mroe about the Oscars. Remember when Adrian Brody kissed Halle? If you did that, it would be hilarious!

Britney Spears: Noooo, no.. I don’t think so..

Lorne Michaels: Look, I understand if you’re not attracted to her.

Britney Spears: No, oh my God, I am! I’m not saying that at all, I just —

[ Jimmy Fallon passes through the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: Jimmy? Let me get your opinion on this. Do you think Britney and Halle —

Jimmy Fallon: [ without hesitating ] Yes! Definitely.

Britney Spears: No. I know people would like to see it —

[ Tina Fey passes down the hall ]
Lorne Michaels: Tina, Tina! Do you think, uh.. Britney and Halle should kiss?

Tina Fey: What, like in the monologue?

Lorne Michaels: The monologue, or later in the show.. it doesn’t even have to be on camera.

Tina Fey: I don’t know. I think people saw the Madonna thing.. and it’s played out.

[ Lorne punches Tina in the face ]

Lorne Michaels: Tina’s not a typical female viewer..

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Lorne Michaels: Listen.. Halle’s really into this..

[ suddenly, Halle Berry walks up ]

Halle Berry: Okay, look, look.. I know I’m new to this thing, but.. when the host is out there on the stage in front of the audience, shouldn’t the camera be on her?

Lorne Michaels: ..Most of the time. It’s not a hard, fast rule. You kow Britney?

[ Halle and Britney greet one another ]

Lorne Michaels: I was just explaining to Britney —

Halle Berry: Oh, no.. He’s not trying to get you to do the kiss thing, is he?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.

Halle Berry: [ sighs ] Lorne, I told you all week long – I’m not gonna do it!

Lorne Michaels: If you won’t do it for me.. do it for those poor Cubs fans.

Together: Nooooooooo!!

Lorne Michaels: Red Sox fans?

Together: Nooooooooo!!

Lorne Michaels: I wouldn’t do this.. but I am ready to write a check to your favorite charity, for $100 each!

Jimmy Fallon: Wow. Pretty good.

Together: NO!!

Lorne Michaels: Alright, alright.. I hear you. How about this – why don’t you take Britney up on the stage.. see how it feels.. see what happesn.

Halle Berry: Okay, fine. Come on, Britney..

Britney Spears: Let’s go..

[ Halle and Britney exit back to Home Base ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ excited ] I think they’re gonna do it! I can’t believe you talked them into it!

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, they will, but I’ll tell you, Jimmy – sometimes.. I hate this job.

Jimmy Fallon: [ a beat ] Wanna watch it in my dressing room?

Lorne Michaels: Sure.

[ Lorne and Jimmy exit the scene ]

[ cut back to Home Base ]

Halle Berry: Okay. Here’s the thing: it’s not that we mind kissing..

Britney Spears: No, no.. not at all!

Halle Berry: But.. you know if we do, you know what the cover of US Weekly would look like, don’t you?

[ they move their lips in close for a near-kiss, as cameras flash ]

Britney Spears: Yeah! You know, and.. like, let’s not do that. Maybe I’ll do it in my first song, or something like that.. like, another song.

Halle Berry: Yeah, maybe if, like, you guys want it bad enough.

[ audience cheers ]

Halle Berry: Hey, listen – we have a greet show for you tonight.

Britney Spears: I’m here!

Halle Berry: So stick around. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Quick Ones

Female Employee #1…..Halle Berry
Female Employee #2…..Amy Poehler
Male Employee #1…..Will Forte
Male Employee #2…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Female Employee #1 talking on the phone ]

Female Employee #1: I’m sorry, honey. I just can’t get away. I know we had a big night planned – don’t you think I know that? There’s just no time. I’ll call.

Female Employee #2: [ enters ] Oh, boy.. that didn’t sound good.

Female Employee #1: [ sighs ] It’s Randy. We never have time for each other any more.

Female Employee #2: I know how that goes.

Female Employee #1: I could really use a night of intimacy. You know what I mean?

Female Employee #2: Have you ever tried these? [ pulls a bottle of pills from her pocket ]

[ music slides up ]

Female Employee #2: They’re called Quick Ones. They’re chewable! Check this out! [ swallows a couple of pills ] In just seconds, I’ll experience a natural and efficient climax. Here it goes.. oh, yeah.. yeah.. uh-huh.. um, that’s good.. okay, enjoyable, really great.. I’m about to.. oh, wow.. great.. really great. That’s all! It’s that fast! Completelty fulfilling sexual gratification in just seconds!

Female Employee #1: I’m always on the go.

Female Employee #2: Here!

Female Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Mmm! Minty! I like that. And I like this.. Oh yes, thank you.. that’s it, it’s working.. I like it.. building.. going good.. very enjoyable.. wonderful.. yes.. yes.. Wow!All done. That’s fantastic!

Female Employee #2: I told you! It’s called Quick Ones!

Male Employee #1: [ enters ] I couldn’t help overhearing. Who’s got the Quick Ones?

Female Employee #1: For him, too?

Female Employee #2: Yes, for him, too..

Male Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Hey, this is great.. it’s happening.. I like it.. I like it more.. now it’s really great.. here it goes.. whee-ee-ee! All done. [ snores ] Well, back to the ol’ grindstone!

[ female employees laugh ]

Announcer: Quick Ones. Clinical.. effective.. mindblowing.

Male Employee #2: [ enters ] Hey, guys, they want you in the meeting.

Female Employee #1: Just tell them.. we’re coming!

[ they all laugh ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Speedreader

Speedreader…..Will Forte
Jasmine…..Halle Berry

[ Jasmine, an attractive woman, sits at a bar ]

[ scruffy-looking guy enters scene, slams a book on the bar counter, then takes a seat next to Jasmine. He opens his book and quickly flips through the pages in fan motion. ]

Speedreader: I just read fifty pages.

Jasmine: Good for you.

Speedreader: [ cocky ] Great.. for me!

Jasmine: [ not interested ] Yeah.. whatever.

Speedreader: [ leans in to sniff Jasmine’s hair ] Mmm.. you smell delicious.

Jasmine: Get lost!

Speedreader: [ more cocky ] Find me!

Jasmine: [ acknowledging an offscreen bartender ] Uh.. I’d like to close my tab please. Thank you.

Speedreader: So, uh.. have you ever been with a speedreader?

Jasmine: What?

Speedreader: I mean, have you ever.. been.. with.. a speedreader?

Jasmine: Look, I don’t know who you think you are —

Speedreader: [ with great intensity ] I’m a man who can read 100 pages in the blink of an eye! A man who can ingest the written word with the force and fury of thunder!! Now would you like to be with me.. in a sex-u-al way. [ a pause ] I’ll give you a little time to think about it, while I finish off this book about Humphrey Bogart. [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the book on the counter ] Done! So.. what’s it gonna be.. [ in Bogey fashion ] ..schweetheart?

Jasmine: Did you really just read that whole thing?

Speedreader: Frig, yeah!

Jasmine: Wow.. I mean, that’s pretty amazing. But it doesn’t change anything. I’m still gonna get my bill and go.

Speedreader: That’s what you, uh.. wanna do. Don’t mind me. [ grabs book from below counter ] I’ll just be sitting here, uh.. reading the bible.

Jasmine: Yeah, you do that.

Speedreader: Yeah, I will! [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the bible on the counter ] Done! Poooor Jesus.

Jasmine: You know what? I really didn’t come here to meet anybody tonight.

Speedreader: Hey, don’t make up your mind right away – take your time. You know.. I’ve got a big dic.. [ reaches behind counter to pull up a thicker book ] ..tionary. That I can, uh.. read while I’m waiting. [ quickly flips trough the pages and slams the dictionary on the counter ] Done! “Adjective; of or pertaining to completion!“

Jasmine: Alright. Let’s go to my place.

Speedreader: [ chuckles ] You know, if.. lovemaking has a name, it may very well be my name.

Jasmine: And your name is?

Speedreader: Gary And your name is Jasmine! I read it on your driver’s license earlier, and I read it fast!

Jasmine: [ sultry ] Enough with the talk, let’s do this thing!

Speedreader: [ inches closer to Jasmine, eye-to-eye ] Ohhh, we just did – twice! Yeah, I am that fast! And, don’t worry, it was good for me, too. Good night, my lady!

[ Speedreader makes his trimuphant exit, leaving Jasmine dumbfounded by the turn of events ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts