Category: 2003

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Billy Smith…..Fred Armisen
Bart Swerski…..Horatio Sanz
Bob Swerski…..George Wendt

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

On Thursday, in California, President Bush met privately with Governor-Elect Arnold Scwarzenegger. What did the pair talk about? Neither is really sure.

According to a new study, people on a low-carb diet, like Atkins, eat more than people on a standard diet, but also lose more weight. This is thanks to the extra calories they lose during their non-stop yammering about how they’re on Atkins.

Jimmy Fallon: In California this week, grocery clerks went on strike. Which means, for the second time in less than two weeks, Gray Davis is out of a job.

Former Royal Navy Lieutenant Commander Patrick Dalzel-Job, the British war hero who was the inspiration for the character in James Bond, died this week at the age of 90. His family was shaken, not stirred.

Those who met him will never forget his trademark line: “The name’s Dalzel-Job, Former Royal Navy Lieutenant Commander Patrick Dalzel-Job.”

Tina Fey: This week, the city of Atlantic City unveiled its new slogan: “Atlantic City: Always Turned On.” It sure beats their old slogan: “Atlanti City: Las Vegas for Ugly People.”

Jimmy Fallon: This summer, I spent some time in the Southwest, and I saw this great stand-up comic, a Native American from the Apacalo Tribe. And I really want everyone to see him.. please welcome comedian Billy Smith!

[ Indian flute music ]

Billy Smith: Let me hear you make some noise! [ audience cheers ] I have noticed something: what is the deal with the food on the flying, mechanical silver bird? It tastes quite herbal, does it not? I would sooner eat Ooky Oonu! [ low audience response ] Ooky Oonu is the oil from the bone of a deer. Thank you.

It sure is a pleasure to be here in New York. Is anybody here from out of town? [ audience cheers, as Billy faces Jimmy Fallon ] How about you, where do you come from?

Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. I’m from upstate.

Billy Smith: Sorry.

Jimmy Fallon: I said.. I’m from upstate New York.

Billy Smith: I know! and I’m greatly sorry! Do you see? I am disparaging the place of your birth!

Jimmy Fallon: Ha ha, I get it!

Billy Smith: Boy.. it’s hot in here, is it not? I haven’t sweated this much since my rite of passage ceremony of One Thousand Fires! [ low response from audience ] You had to be there for that one, you see, Jimmy, uh.. it was quite hot.

Jimmy Fallon: Assuming you were there..

Billy Smith: Yes! The flames of the cleansing fire lept up from the log and made me want to cry out!

[ low response from the audience ]

I haven’t seen a crowd this silent since the Shadow Ghost of the Animal Spirit calmed the eyes of a thousand fox-es!

[ low response from the audience ]

[ taps microphone ] Is this thing on?

Jimmy Fallon: Pretty good.

Billy Smith: Thank you. Well, how about this Ben and J. Lo? She has been through so many wedding ceremonies, she must have a hard time finding the tail feathers of the eagle, which represent the spirit Communion!

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you thought this guy was fantastic?

Jimmy Fallon: [ laughing ] He’s hilarious!

Tina Fey: Oh, my goodness.

Billy Smith: [ to Jimmy ] Watch this one, okay? [ to Tina ] Hey, Tina Fey! What is your problem? I don’t go down to where you work, and knock the seatunka out of your mouth! [ silent reaction ] You see, a seatunka is a ceremonial flute made of cedar wood. But, in some tribes, it is also a term for a phallus. Thank you! Anyhoo, you’ve been a great cloud. Wehre you sleep, so sleep my ancestors! Peace out!

[ Indian flute music ]

Jimmy Fallon: Billy Smith, everybody!

Tina Fey: One of the newest trends among celebrities is to wear a simple red knotted string, which symbolizes a dedication to the Kabbalah. For those of you who don’t know, Kabbalah is an ancient form of publicity invented by Madonna.

Police in Brooklyn were called after a 4-year-old boy showed up at kindergarten with a bag of marijuana in his shoe. The drugs — [ audience cheers ] Yes, marijuana! Police in Brooklyn were called after a 4-year-old boy showed up at kindergarten with a bag of marijuana in his shoe. The drugs had a reported street value of five milks and a cupcake.

Jimmy Fallon: China lainched its first manned space mission Wednesday, sending astronaut Yang Liwei into orbit. Uh, let’s take a look at the launch:

[ show video footage of Chinese acrobats throwing one of their own into the air ]

Voice: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Blast me into spaaaaaace!

Jimmy Fallon: Look at that! They do everything differently there!

Tina Fey: This Thursday, 48 contestants will compete in the 2003 National Monopoly Championship, which will be held onboard a moving train. They couldn’t hold it at last year’s venue, because, uh.. Steve’s mom is putting new carpet in the basement.

Tina Fey: Four members of Alpha Lambda Tau are seeking to make theirs the first gay fraternity at the University of Texas, San Antonio. It’s just like every other fraternity, except with slightly more gay sex.

Jimmy Fallon: As heartbreaking as the Red Sox loss was for Boston fans, the collapse of the Chicago Cubs, after being up 3 games to 1 was uniquely devestating. Are the Cubs cursed? Here with a commentary, is Chicago Superfan Bart Swerski.

Bart Swerski: Yeah, thanks there! First of all, there ain’t no curse! One cannot be cursed when one resides in a town with Giodano’s stuffed pizza.. Stevi D’s deep-fried Caesar salad.. and, least but not least, Al’s Italian Sausauge smoothies! And.. a certain thing known as.. The Cubs!

Jimmy Fallon: Don’t you mean “Da” Cubs? Anyway.. how can you, uh.. how can you say there’s no curse? Your team was five outs away from the World Series, and then that kid interfered with the ball and the Cubs came up eight runs, and it’s over.

Bart Swerski: Let me tell you something, Jimmy.. let me tell you something about this so-called tragedy. That tagedy.. has brought the town of Chicago together.. like no other place! People of different colors and creeds.. coming together, putting differences aside. All united.. in wanting to beat the living crap outta that kid! The Cubs!

Jimmy Fallon: The Cubs. That’s horrible, man. Are you sure you’re a Superfan?

Bart Swerski: Yeah, you got that right, candy apple.

Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] What are you talking about?

[ Bob Swerski scoots behind the Update desk ]

Bob Swerski: He’s alright. Seriously, he’s just got a bit of a speech impediment. He’s my nephew, and – sorry, I was late, pal, I was at church. I was praying for the Lord to help me find where that jerkwad ball-punher hider is hiding. And I brought you a wafer – I did, I brought you a wafer from church. Come on! These are beer-battered Communion wafers. Only at Tommy D’s Church & Grille on Morbash. Go ahead, try it – put some bleu cheese dip on there. Come on, it’s lovely, it’s a ltitle taste of heaven! And you know what – these ain’t consecrated yet, so it’s okay.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, okay!

Bart Swerski: Deee Cuuubs!

Bob Swerski: We’re gonna get this kid some therapy. Speech therapy.[ Bart down an entire mug of beer, as Jimmy Fallon quickly follows suit. Bob is a little slower, but downs all of his as well. ]

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, so you’re at peace with this whole thing?

Bob Swerski: Don’t get me wrong – that kid’s gonna be a stain on the wall. I’ll see to that personally! But, bottom line, it’s just a game. It reminds me of something the great Coach Ditka once said.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, what is that?

Bob Swerski: “I’ll tear your face off, you gray-haired son of a bitch!”

Bart Swerski: He was a great man.

Bob Swerski: He was. And wise.

Jimmy Fallon: Ditka never said that.

Bob Swerski: [ chuckles ] You know what, Jimmy? There’s an awful lot more to life than sprts. For example, movies. Tell me, Bart.. what film won Best Picture at last year’s Oscars?

Bart Swerski: “Chicago”!

Bob Swerski: That’s right! That’s right! Greatest film of all time, my friend.

Bart Swerski: A film that kicked the fruity ass of another film.. called.. “Gangs of New York”.

Bob Swerski: That’s right.

Together: Daaaaa Oscars!

[ “All That Jazz” pots up ]

Jimmy Fallon: What’s going on? What’s going on here?

Bob Swerski: Oh, never you mind, Mr. New Yorkie.

[ Bob and Bart singing together ]

“C’mon babe
Why don’t we paint the town?
And all that jazz

I’m gonna rouge my knees
And roll my stockings down
And all that jazz

Start the car
I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold
But the piano’s hot

And all.. that.. jazz!”

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Don Zimmer’s Sports Spectacular

Don Zimmer…..Horatio Sanz
Bob Costas…..Darrell Hammond
Pete Rose…..Jeff Richards
Cindy Cooper…..Halle Berry
Presenter…..Will Forte

(Opens with Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular logo. DonZimmer sits in a TV studio surrounded by Yankeesmemorabilia and the presenter dressed as an umpireremoves the catcher mitt and sings)

Presenter: THE DON ZIMMER’S SPORTS SPECTACULAR!!!

(Leaves)

Don Zimmer: Let’s play ball! I’m Don Zimmer andwelcome to my Sports Spectacular. Where I talk to thebiggest names bar none in sports. And speaking of bignames they don’t get any bigger than my old pal,PeteyRose!(In comes Pete Rose, shakes hands with Don, sitsdown)Hey!, Pete Rose! How you doing, buddy? How youdoing you old sourpuss!?

Pete Rose: Good to see you, you big melon head.

Don Zimmer: Hey, how about them Yankees! Huh? Ha,ha! They’regonna win the World Series, ain’t they?

Pete Rose: They’ll win it if you keep running out andposing pictures with that big ol’ head of yours.

Don Zimmer: Oh, come off it. I don’t want to talk about that.I’m ashamed of myself. I shouldn’t ougtha done it!Baaa!

Pete Rose: Ha! It looked like a butterball turkey goingdown.

(Don is getting angry)

Don Zimmer: I said knock it off, Pete.

Pete Rose: Have you seen the tape? It’s funny, man. It’sreally funny.

Don Zimmer: You’re getting me mad over here!

Pete Rose: I had a good ol’ laugh old buddy. I really did.

Don Zimmer: Aww! Now, you got me too mad now!(Don gets up andcharges Pete)Here I come!Aaahhh!!(Pete grabs him bythe head and slams him to the ground, baseball capflies off, Pete sits down)Oh, boy! Oh, I bumped myhead again!

Pete Rose: I’m sorry, Zim!

(Don gets up, addresses the audience at home)

Don Zimmer: Look at me, what I done again. I’m ashamed ofmyself. I’m embarrassed. I got nothing more to say onthat.(Don sits down)My next guest loves the game ofbaseball, almost as much as me. Here he is, BobCostas. (In walks Bob, shakes hands with Pete and thenwith Don, sits next to Pete)Bobby how are ya’?. Goodto see ya’.

Bob Costas: Zim, you’re resplendent as ever.

(Don is confused)

Don Zimmer: What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Bob Costas: As per usual, the Zimmer has let the Englishlanguage utterly daze and confuse him and yet in hisprodigious infant-like head there’s a veritablebaseball encyclopedia.

Don Zimmer: Gosh!, Bob if I knew what you were saying I’dsock you in the snap box for saying something likethat!

Bob Costas: Look, all I’m saying is I have nothing but thegreatest respect for you and for what you’ve given tothe game.(Don gets angry)

Don Zimmer: Well, it’s too late now cause I’m getting steamednow!

Bob Costas: Oh, come on! I was just playfully jousting withyou.

(Don gets ready to charge again, Bob gets up)

Don Zimmer: Well, get ready to take your lumps!Aahhh!!!(Doncharges,Bob takes his head effortlessly and slams himto the floor again) Oh,no!Oh,boy!! Oh, brother!Now,I’m really embarrassed. (Don gets up talks directly atthe viewer at home watching)I embarrassed my familyagain. I embarrassed the Yankees. Oh, I’m ashamed atwhat I done. I got nothing more to say on thesubject.(Sits down)

Bob Costas: Look, maybe you ought to cut the show shorttonight, Don.

Don Zimmer: It’s OK. I’ve got a swell gal coming out here.She’s a ball girl over at Fenway Park up in Boston. Ijust want to show them I ain’t sore at the Red Sox’s.So here she is, Cindy Cooper.(In walks Cindy, sitsnext to Bob Costas)

Cindy Cooper: Thank you. I want to thank you Mr.Zimmer for showing that there are no hard feelings.

Don Zimmer: Awww, who am I kidding? I lied. I’m still prettyhot over what happened with Pedro and the rest of thelousy bums.

Pete Rose: Knock it off, Don. She’s a girl.

Cindy Cooper: I can handle myself. I’ve seen the tape. Youjust point his head away and let the momentum take himdown.

(Don is mad as hell)

Don Zimmer: Oh, nuttin doing!!I got more moves than MordecaiBrown!! Look out girly!! Here comes a whole lot of Mr.Zim!!!Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!(Charges Cindy for one last timeand she gently takes him by the head and slams him onthe floor)Oh,no!!

Cindy Cooper: Oh, did I hurt him?

(Pete and Bob get up)

Pete Rose: Oh, he’ll be up in a minute.

Bob Costas: Boy, let’s get out of here before we have to dumphim again.(The 3 of them leaving Don on the floor)

Don Zimmer: Hey! Where are y’all going? Oh, boy! (Don getsup) Well, of course, I’m ashamed at what I done. Oh,Gosh! I’m embarrassed. I made a mess of everything.

(Fanfare music, logo and presenter appear again and hesings)

Presenter: THE DON ZIMMER’S SPORTS SPECTACULAR!!!

(Don walks away embarrassed)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


November 1st, 2003

Kelly Ripa

Outkast

Chris Kattan

Sleepy Brown
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Darrell Hammond) addresses the nation.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Note: The search for the post-Ferrell Bush impressionist continues, as Darrell Hammond takes over the role from Chris Parnell.

Transcript

MontageNote: Finesse Mitchell and Kenan Thompson do not appear in this episode.

Kelly Ripa’s MonologueSummary: Kelly Ripa takes questions from members of the audience.

Recurring Characters: Ruth Weinstock, Terrell, Terrell’s Wife.

Note: Jim Downey (wearing reading glasses) can be seen in the audience reading over his script before Kelly Ripa begins her monologue.

Bio: Kelly Ripa (1970-) helped American television audiences forget about Kathie Lee Gifford after taking over her chair on the old “Live with Regis & Kathie Lee” morning show.

Transcript

Tressant SuprêmeSummary: Kelly Ripa keeps her hair shiny with cocaine ingredients.

Transcript

Live! With Regis & KellySummary: Angelina Jolie (Kelly Ripa) finds Kelly Ripa’s (Amy Poehler) childlike excitement aggravating.

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Gelman, Angelina Jolie.

Transcript

Access HollywoodSummary: Pat O’Brien (Jimmy Fallon) interviews Renee Zellweger (Kelly Ripa) and meets her professional weight gain coach (Horatio Sanz).

Recurring Characters: Pat O’Brien.

Transcript

Outkast performs “Hey Ya!”Note: Because Outkast released two solo albums as a double album, André 3000 and Big Boi appear separately in tonight’s performances. André 3000 performs this song.

Bio: Outkast is hip hop duo André “André 3000” Benjamin (formerly known as “Dre”) and Antwan “Big Boi” Patton, and they hail from Atlanta.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) flirts with Jimmy Fallon while telling him what she did on Halloween. Jimmy Buffett (Horatio Sanz) cracks up Jimmy Fallon with his song variations.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.

Transcript

Center For Cow Fart StudySummary: Scientist’s (Will Forte) wife (Kelly Ripa) is angered by his quest to save the ozone layer by studying cow farts.

Transcript

Lelaini Burke: Pet PsychicSummary: Lelaini Burke (Maya Rudolph) seeks approval for her singing from her guests’ pets.

Recurring Characters: Lelaini Burke.

Transcript

Outkast performs “The Way You Move”Note: Because Outkast released two solo albums as a double album, André 3000 and Big Boi appear separately in tonight’s performances. Big Boi performs this song with Sleepy Brown.

Spy GlassSummary: Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler) host this British version of “Access Hollywood.”

Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Pat O’Brien.

Transcript

Greenbriar County Animal Rescue ShelterSummary: A veterinarian (Chris Parnell) viciously insults the dog he’s offering for adoption.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Access Hollywood

Pat O’Brien…..Jimmy Fallon
Renee Zelwegger….Kelly Ripa
Mortimer Barnswallow….Horatio Sanz

(Opens with logo of Access Hollywood, Pat stands inthe studio, TV set behind him reads Renee Zelweggergets fat)

Announcer: Lights! Camera! Access!

Pat O’Brien: (very nasal voice) Welcome back to AccessHollywood. I’m Pat O’Brien. Scientists tell me thatthe space in my nasal cavity is so dense that nothingcan escape it. Not even light. Word around town isthat Ms. Renee Zelwegger packing on the pounds for herupcoming role to the sequel to “Bridget Jone’s Diary”.She’s not kidding, it looks like Bridget is jonesingfor “dairy” products. Last week I caught up with Reneeto get to the bottom of her really big bottom.

(Show’s logo. Lights! Camera! Access! Pat sits on achair and Renee sits on a couch. She barely has hereyes open, tiny slits looking away from Pat)

Pat O’Brien: Renee good to see you. 40 pounds heavier but youwear it well. You’re looking fantastic. I’m over here.Hey! (one clap, she faces him) I’m over here!

Renee Zelwegger: Oh, thanks Pat. Yep, 40 pounds andI’m carrying about 80% of it in my cheeks and lips.

Pat O’Brien: But you didn’t do it alone. Is thatright?

Renee Zelwegger: That’s right Pat. When I learn a newaccent for a movie I work with a dialect coach. Andwhen I need to gain weight for a role I work with anobesity coach.

Pat O’Brien: Ha, ha! And not just any obesity coach.You work with the best in the biz. The legendaryMortimer Barnswallow and he’s here tonight.

(3 Beeps are heard,a motorized wheelchair slowlyappears with fat as hell Mortimer Barnswallow on it.)

Pat O’Brien: Yep, there he is. He’s here. Take yourtime Mortimer.

(Mortimer slowly walks to the couch and sits next toRenee lifting the whole side of the couch that Reneeis sitting on. Her feet don’t touch the ground.)

Pat O’Brien: Mortimer good to see you. Now we shouldlet people know as far as obesity coaches go you’re atthe top of the list.

Mortimer Barnswallow: (snotty voice)I’m the greatestobesity coach of this generation. I use Viennasausages like tic-tacs. I butter my Oreos. And Ihaven’t had a bowel movement in nearly 3 years.

(Ripa is about to crack up laughing)

Renee Zelwegger: I begged the studio to set me up withMortimer after being so impressed with his otherclients.

Mortimer Barnswallow: You’ve no doubt seen my workbefore. Kristie Alley(photo of Kristie circa CHEERS,changes to another photo of Kristie fat, eyes closed,uncombed hair)Matthew Perry hired me.(Double chinphoto of Matthew)Then he fired me(Slim photo ofMatthew)Then he hired me again(Fatty photo ofMatthew)Like the guy who plays Scotty on “StarTrek”(black and white photo of young actor, change tophoto of fatter, older, white haired Scotty)

Pat O’Brien: Wow! Unbelievable, sir!

Mortimer Barnswallow: I’ll never forget what he saidto me when I force-fed him his third helping of beefstroganoff.

Pat O’Brien: What was that?

Mortimer Barnswallow:(Scottish accent)Captain! I’m-agiving it all she’s got but my colon, she cannot takeit no more!(Ripa looks away to stifle laughter)

Pat O’Brien: Renee, you’ve got to tell me. What is itlike to be working with a living legend like MortimerBarnswallow?

Renee Zelwegger: It was fantastic! He is a legend. Didyou know that he finished Mamma Cass’s last hamsandwich?

Mortimer Barnswallow: There’s more residual nutritionin my flatulence than in most American schoolslunches.

Renee Zelwegger: That’s true.

Mortimer Barnswallow: But obesity isn’t rocket sciencePat. There is so many things people can do to becomedangerously obese. For instance, 2 Twinkies instead ofone.

(Struggles to get up off the couch, groans, gets upand the side lifting Renee up in the air crashes down.Mortimer with 2 Twinkies in his hand sits, Renee isagain suspended in the air)

Mortimer Barnswallow: Simply place 2 of the Twinkiesback to back like so. (Joins the 2 Twinkies) Andsqueeze and stuff like this.(In one swift motion hepushes the 2 Twinkies into his mouth)

Pat O’Brien: You see that?! Did you see that??!He ate2 Twinkies at once!

Renee Zelwegger: I can’t see.

Pat O’Brien: I can’t breathe.

Mortimer Barnswallow: I can’t wash myself without abroom handle and a sponge.(Ripa hides her face butshoulders bounce giving away her cracking up)Forgiveme! I’m simply parched under these studiolights.(Picks up white bottle)Ah, Alfredo sauce,anyone?(Gulps it down)

Pat O’Brien: No, thank you Mortimer. No, thank youbuddy. I’m good. Renee tough as it may have been itlooks like it had the desired effect.

Renee Zelwegger: Actually, no. I completed the entireregiment and did everything he told me and when Ishowed up for my first screen test this is what Ilooked like.(Photo of morbidly obese Renee)

Pat O’Brien: Good God! La Boo! Yikes!

Renee Zelwegger: Ha, at first they didn’t think it was me. Theytried to direct me to the set for “The Klumps Part 3”.

Pat O’Brien: Of course.

Mortimer Barnswallow: I thought she looked quitefetching.

Renee Zelwegger: But I wasn’t quite what they werelooking for Bridget Jones. So 8 months and severalhundred thousands dollars in liposuction later I wasready to begin shooting.

Pat O’Brien: Out of sight. Mortimer Barnswallow andRenee Zelwegger. We’ll be right back with more AccessHollywood right after this. Wait till you see what mygood friend Keanu Reeves is up to. (long pause)Waittill you see what happens on “Friends” thisweek.(pause) I’m Pat O’Brien.

(Walks off camera, Access Hollywood logo appears.Light!Camera!Access!)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Leilani Burke: Pet Psychic

Leilani Burke…..Maya Rudolph
Leslie Collins…..Kelly Ripa
Terry Jerome…..Horatio Sanz
Chrissy Morten…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: And now its time for Leilani Burke:PetPsychic. With your host Leilani Burke.

(In Leilani’s set, orange is the predominant color.Set is orange, Leilani is a red head, and she’sdressed in mostly orange hippie attire. Three guestssit with Leilani)

Leilani Burke: (soft, soulful voice) Oh, thank you Glenn. Oh,hello. I’m Leilani. And we have a very special showtoday. (Soft instrumental music plays, she gets up andsings)Tiny paws and fur behinds, don’t be fooled theygot big minds, just stick around you’re right on time,for “The Leilani Burke Show”.(Applause, she sitsdown)Thank you. Aww, yeah, I thought that was prettyneat too. I hope you liked that song. I feel I shouldmention that I recorded it at my at-home studio whereI use a wonderful 3,000 cord electronic keyboard. It’sjust a hobby. That is if you consider what you wereborn to do, a hobby. Let’s say hello to our firstguests. Keanu is a beautiful cat and her owner isstay-at-home mom Leslie Collins. Hey, you two!

(Leslie is a plain looking housewife holding a brown cat)

Lesslie Collins: Hi, Leilani. Thanks for having us.

Leilani Burke: Oh, sure. So what brings you here today.

Lesslie Collins: Well, I’ve had Keanu since I was incollege, but I got married and I had some kids and acouple of years ago it just seems there’s somedistance between us.

Leilani Burke: Yeah, cat feelings are very complicated,Leslie. You may not know this but in cat’s languagethere are over 200 words for string. Come here Keanu,let’s have a talk.(Picks cat up and talks to it)Howyou doing? Nice to meet you too mister. What’s that?My song? You liked it? Well, thank you. I think itdoes show off my range. No, an 8 track. No, I only usea 4 track. Yeah, people think it sounds like an 8track but I dump it all down to the one track andbuild up on that. No, actually i don’t have arecording contract. Really? You know Phil Stiles atKingpin Records?! Well, I would love to give you ademo tape. I am really glad we had a chance to talktoo, Keanu.

Lesslie Collins: Are you saying my cat knows a record producer?

Leilani Burke: Well, not just any record producer, THE Phil Stiles.

Lesslie Collins: When would my cat have a chance to meet Phil Stiles?

Leilani Burke: You know, I think you have to pay a littlebit more attention to your cat’s schedule.

Lesslie Collins: Doesn’t he has anything to say about me?

Leilani Burke: Let me ask him. Hey, buddy. What do you thinkabout Leslie? Yeah, I know! Ha,ha,ha! It’s true! Sheis very needy. Yeah, your relationship is great.(Gives cat back to a stumped Leslie) Moving right along, what do we have over here?

(Fat, nerdy looking guy holds a yellow bird in a birdcage)

Terry Jerome: Hi. I’m Terry Jerome. And this is mybest friend Barbara.(Holds cage up)

Leilani Burke: OK. Now Terry, I understand that you co-own a pottery shop.

Terry Jerome: That’s right, Leilani. I own a great little place where people can do their own pottery. It’s called “Welcome Back, Potter”

Lesslie Collins: That’s so funny. You know, I met my husband in a pottery class.

Leilani Burke: (kind of snippy)Boy, you really do need a lot of attention, don’t you?! So Terry, what’s going on with Barbara?

Terry Jerome: Well Leilani, Barbara is is very special to me and I just wanna know if she loves me as much as I love her.

Leilani Burke: Well that’s great Terry. Why don’t I ask himmyself? (To Leslie)If that’s OK with you!(Grabsbirdcage, talks to the bird)Come on Barbara. What’sthat? Oh, you like my lyrics? Well, thanks. So many ofthem come straight from my own journals that I juststarted calling my journals my song books. Yeah, youdid? Well, I had lunch with Phil Stiles too. Really?Well, I guess he takes everyone to “The FettuchinniFactory”. Uh?, no I didn’t. I had a salad. What?Phil?! Well, I guess there was a mild flirtation.

Terry Jerome: Leilani, does my bird love me?

Leilani Burke: Well, she loves you but she’s not in love with you. (Gives birdcage back to Jerome) She hopes you understand. Well, I think that about wraps up our show.

Chrissy Morten: Hey! What about me?

Leilani Burke: Oh, my Goodness! We have another guest! Iforgot. That is the fourth show in a row that I havedone that Glenn. I’m sorry ma’am. And you are?

(Ugly looking Chrissy switches places with Leslie,sits next to Leilani, she holds a plastic fishbowlwith a turtle in it)

Chrissy Morten: Chrissy Morten and this is my turtleRupert. Leilani, we had a turtle race for charity atmy church and Rupert came in second. He’s beendepressed ever since. He’ll always be a winner to me.I just wish he felt that way about himself.

(Gives Leilani the plastic fishbowl, Leilani talks toRupert the turtle)

Leilani Burke: Yeah, let me have a talk with him. Hello,Rupert. What’s that? Yeah, I know how you feel. You’redisappointed in yourself. I know. Listen, I was reallyangry with myself when I slept with Phil Stile’sassistant. Yes, I did have some wine. Hmm? PinotGrigio. Just a glass. All right, a carafe. (gettingangry)All right, it was a box of wine!(very angry) Allright, it was a box of paint thinner and when I wokeup I could talk to animals!(gives turtle back)

Chrissy Morten: I feel uncomfortable.

Leilani Burke: That’s great!(soft, delicate)Well, that was aterrific show. I had a blast. I’m Leilani Burke andyou’ve been watching(sings)”The Leilani Burke Show”.

(Show’s logo appears)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

A Message From the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. A little over six months ago.. I asked for your support, and your trust, as our nation began a great undertaking: Operation Iraqi Freedom. And tonight, I want to assure you, that despite what you may have heard, or read.. Operation Iraqi Freedom.. has been a huge success. Major combat operations have ended. [ a quick beat ] Honestly. They have. The people or Iraq are free. And, while the hunt for Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction continues.. what we have found already.. leads little doubt.. as to the threat he posed. Just this week, for example, American troops undercovered what was clearly a major chemical weapons lab. And, although they found no actual chemical weapons – as such – what they did find.. was just as good. This.. [ holds up a measuring cup ] This.. [ holds up rubber gloves ] And, the real smoking gun – This thing. [ holds up a rubber spatula ] No doubt, the weapons lab was just one of many in Iraq.. and we intend to find them all!

Now.. chemical weapons are bad enough. But as those anthrax-filled letters of two years ago made clear.. biological wepons are every bit as deadly. and two days ago, in a safehouse outside Tickery — Tickery..? — ..coalition forces. They made a chilling discovery. No, not anthrax. Something even more disturbing. These. [ holds up a stack of empty #10 envelopes ] Perhaps as many as a thousand. And that’s all. It appears that Saddam loyalists were about to raise the terror threat to a new, more ominous level. [ holds up large manila envelopes ] But we won this round.

Now.. what about Saddam’s nuclear weapons program? Here, unfortunately, there have as yet been no major discoveries. But we’re still looking. And we’re in noooo hurry. We’ve got aaaall the time in the world. And, even if the evidence is never found, does anyone doubt that, because of our actions, the Iraqi people are better off now than they were a year ago? Under Saddam, despite the country’s oil riches, Iraqis lived a life of deprevation. Today, because of us, all of that has changed. The country’s infrastructure has been completely rebuilt, with new roads, power stations, hospitals, and sports stadiums. By summer, every home in Iraq will have central air-conditioning and high-speed broadband internet access. In addition, Iraqis now enjoy free universal health care provided by the U.S., including cosmetic surgery.. and full prescription drug coverage.. and, because so many new schools have been built – again, by us – Iraq now has the world’s biggest student-teacher ratio, with only eight students per class. And every one of those students, from kindergarten to twelfth grade, has his own GP Pwer Book, courtesy of the U.S. Along with an iPod, cell phone, and $200 per week walking-around money! And.. in return for all of this, what have we asked of Iraq? Nothing. Not one red cent. Even though Iraqi leaders have offered to at least partly reimburse us with future oil revenues. But our answer to the people of Iraq remains the same: “Your money’s no good here.” We can’t accept it.. because we came to Iraq, not as conquerors.. [ whispers stealthily ] we came as liberators. And soon, perhaps in five years.. or fifteen years.. our troops will leave Iraq. And its people will form its own government through free elections. After we’ve replaced all the country’s punch-card voting machines with new, state-of-the-art touch-pad systems. Because, when the Iraqi people cast their first vote, we want every.. vote.. counted.

Naturally, rebuilding Iraq’s gonna cost.. money. A lot of money. Perhaps, as much as 1,700 million.. uh., b-billion dollars. After all, there are a lot of homes in Iraq, and flatscreen TVs aren’t cheap. But the fact is, we have no alternative. That’s why, early this week, I intend to ask Congress for an additional appropriation to finish the job, in the form of what I call.. a “blank check.” I’m not gonna tell them the amount. Because, partly.. that’s the point of a blank check. And, in all honesty.. [ chuckles ] It’d just be a guess, anyway!

Thank you. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Center for Cow Fart Study

Larry…..Will Forte
Carl…..Fred Armisen
Debbie…..Kelly Ripa

[open on exterior of building with sign: “University of Nebraska Environmental and Bovine Research Center”]

[dissolve to interior, with Larry sitting in a small, round room with the rear ends of cows and several wall-mounted measuring devices]

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Excellent

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Very interesting. Methane levels standard positive.

[Carl knocks at door and enters]

Carl: Larry, your wife’s here to see you.

Larry: What? Not now, Carl. I’m very busy.

Carl: I think she’s coming in right now, man.

[Debbie enters]

Larry: Debbie, what’re you doing here?!

Debbie: Larry, we have to talk.

Larry: I can’t talk now. I thought I made it very clear: I cannot be bothered at work. My work is too important.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: It’s not too important for what I have to say to you.

Larry: This can’t wait?

Debbie: No, it cannot. I’m leaving you, Larry.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: That’s just great. I just missed an emissions reading. Great.

Debbie: Are you listening to me?! It’s over, Larry!

Larry: You would leave me now, when I’m so close to finishing my work?

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Your work? Larry, your work is a joke!

Larry: I will not stand for that. My work is not a joke.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Do you know what it’s like to have to tell all my friends that my husband sits around in a room full of cow asses and waits for them to fart?

Larry: If they were educated, they would know that methane gases from livestock are affecting our climate. The Earth’s temperature is rising This is serious stuff.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: You study farts.

Larry: My work has nothing to do with farts.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: You were saying?

Larry: I don’t study farts.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: I study climate changes due to ozone loss. I am a scientist.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Debbie, I know this hasn’t been easy for you.

Debbie: It hasn’t! It just hasn’t! [turns away and weeps] I can’t take it anymore!

Larry: It’s only a year. Maybe three. You could just hang on.

Debbie: But I’m pregnant.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Oh, Larry, it’s no use!

Larry: You’re gonna have a baby? Don’t you see? This changes everything!

Debbie: You would leave all this?

Larry: Well, let me think about this. Can I in good conscience leave this work?

[Larry looks into the distance pensively while Debbie looks at him imploringly and cow flatulence continues to sound]

Larry: I’ve thought it over.

Debbie: And?

Larry: I love you, Debbie.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Oh, Larry. I love you!

[cow flatulence]

Larry: I’ve been a fool! This whole time, worrying day and night about methane, cow farts, thinking the world was in danger. The world wasn’t in danger; it was me. I say goodbye to this. I choose life.

Debbie: I choose it with you, Larry.

Larry: Cow farts. What a waste of time.

[cow flatulence]

[dissolve to the Earth as seen from outer space]

Larry: [voice over] Whooooo! This water-skiing sure is fun, Debbie!

Debbie: [voice over] Be careful, honey.

Larry: [voice over] Oh, I will. Boy, it sure is hot today.

Debbie: [voice over] It sure is. Really hot.

[cow flatulence sounds and the Earth bursts into flames]

Voice Over: It’s no joke. Support ozone research. Brought to you by the Center for Cow Fart Study. [logo and title: “CENTER for COW FART STUDY”] [aside] That’s the name you’re going with?

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Goodnights

…..Kelly Ripa

Kelly Ripa: Thank you so much to Outkast – Chris Kattan and the entire cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live! Thank you, everybody, good night!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Live! with Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
Angelina Jolie…..Kelly Ripa
Actor……Seth Meyers

Announcer: It’s “Live! with Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got: from “Casa de Los Babys”, actress Mary Steenbergen; from her new film, “Beyond Borders”, Angelina Jolie; and the musical stylings of Manhatten Transfer. Plus, as usual, Drive You Wild Travel Trivia. Now, here are Regis Philbin & Kelly Ripa!

[ Regis & Kelly enter set, take their seats ]

Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, well..

Kelly Ripa: Hell-ooo!

Regis Philbin: Good morning, everybody!

Kelly Ripa: Hell-oooo, everyone!

Regis Philbin: You’re feeling good this morning?

Kelly Ripa: You know, I.. am.. exhausted, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Really?

Kelly Ripa: It is exhausting when you have a hit sitcom!

Regis Philbin: Alright..

Kelly Ripa: Now they tell me they want to do a spinoff of the show..

Regis Philbin: Already?

Kelly Ripa: And, they’re doing a movie based on my character Haley from “All My Children”.. and it’s got tons of stunts in it, so I have to rehearse because I do all my own stunts! And, of course, I’ve got my book deal!

Regis Philbin: You’re writing a book?

Kelly Ripa: I am also writing a book! So, what did you do this weekend, Reege?

Regis Philbin: Well, I played a round of golf with John & Mary Lithgow.. then I drank a vanilla Ensure and fell asleep on the hammock.

Kelly Ripa: Oo-oo-oo-oohhh! Can you guys picture that – Regis sleeping on a hammock! That’s so cute!

Regis Philbin: Alright, alright.. calm down, Pickle!

Kelly Ripa: Okay!

Regis Philbin: Now.. it was Halloween this past weekend. Did your kids have fun?

Kelly Ripa: Yeah! We all got dressed up for Halloween, and I brought some pictures.

[ various photos of unassociated children dressed in Halloween costumes are displayed onscreen ]

Kelly Ripa: Here’s Angus.

Regis Philbin: Alright.

Kelly Ripa: Here’s Katie!

Regis Philbin: Cute.

Kelly Ripa: Diego!

Regis Philbin: Adorable!

Kelly Ripa: Caitlin!

Regis Philbin: Look at that!

Kelly Ripa: Tammy!

Regis Philbin: So many babies!

Kelly Ripa: Dylan!

Regis Philbin: Ripa, that baby’s Chinese!

Kelly Ripa: Law of Averages, Reege!

Regis Philbin: [ reflecting ] You know.. I remember a Halloween party once, where Lola Falana showed up dressed as a hobo.. Rickles came as Mean Joe Green.. and Ava Gabor came dressed up as Zsa Zsa Gabor!! [ manic ] It confused the HELL out of me!!

Kelly Ripa: I would be confused, too, Reege, ’cause I don’t know who any of those people are! [ laughs hysterically ]

Regis Philbin: Oh, boy.. How was your Halloween, Gelman?

Gelman: It was great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: What did you do?

Gelman: I, uh.. marched in a parade in the Village!

Regis Philbin: You know, you’re a weird little man, Gelman..

Gelman: You might be right, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Alright. Well, anyway, we’ve got a great show for you today – I mean, they’re all great.. but this one is really great!

Kelly Ripa: Oh. Angelina Jolie is here. Oh, she’s fantastic! She was so good in “Tomb Raider 2”, I hope there’s a “Tomb Raider 3“!

Regis Philbin: Alright. Let’s bring her out. Ladies and gentlemen, the freakish Angelina Jolie!

[ Angelina Jolie enters set, sits next to Regis ]

Kelly Ripa: Okay! Now, Angelina.. it is so nice to have you here, but I need to tell you that you.. scare me!

Regis Philbin: [ reading from a card ] Now, it says here that you make out with your brother.. you wear your boyfriend’s blood on a locket around your neck.. you carve Devil symbols on your arms with witch daggers!

Kelly Ripa: Yikes!

Angelina Jolie: Actually, those are just rumors that got out of control. I don’t wear blood around my neck.. my brother and I broke up a long time ago.. and the Devil symbols are actually on my buttocks!

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Am I right, Gelman!

Angelina Jolie: [ smiling ] It sure is, Reege!

Regis Philbin: “Beyond Borders”. Tell us what it was like making that movie.

Angelina Jolie: Well, it was amazing. “Beyond Borders” is a very.. human story about humans helping other sick humans.. in a very humane way.

Kelly Ripa: Mmm.

Regis Philbin: That’s terrific! Let’s watch the clip!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah!

[ cut to fake movie clip ]

Angelina Jolie: What’s over there?

Actor: [ dramatic beat ] The border.

[ music sting ]

Angelina Jolie: What’s beyond there?

Actor: Ssshhh.

Angelina Jolie: I want to go beyond.. beyond borders.

[ cut back to the studio, Regis is laughing hysterically ]

Kelly Ripa: Wow!!

Regis Philbin: That was fantastic! I can’t believe that movie was such a flop! Have you ever been beyond borders, Gelman?

Gelman: [ shakes head, smiles ] Don’t go there, Reege!

Angelina Jolie: Well, it really doesn’t matter, because it pales in comparison to the actual experience of making the movie. I lived there for three monthas in a hut, with hut people in the mouth of a volcano.

Kelly Ripa: Mmm..

Angelina Jolie: I learned their language, and a man chased my evil spirits away with a feather on the end of a stick!

Regis Philbin: Angelina, you are a cuckoo, but I love you!

Kelly Ripa: You are so strong! [ touches Angelina’s knee ]

Angelina Jolie: Don’t touch!

Kelly Ripa: And very brave! [ touches Angelina’s knee ]

Angelina Jolie: Don’t touch!

Kelly Ripa: And you are an inapiration to all —

[ Angelina kicks Ripa in the head ]

Angelina Jolie: I’m sorry, I find your perkiness disgusting!

Regis Philbin: [ happy ] Looks like we’ve got a catfight on our hands, Gelman! What do we do?!

Gelman: It doesn’t interest me, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Alright. We’ll be right back with Drive You Wild Travel Trivia!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Kelly Ripa’s Monologue

…..Kelly Ripa
Female Audience Member…..
Regis Fan…..Steve Higgins
Angry Husband…..J.B. Smoove
Angry Wife…..Paula Pell
Ruth Weinstock…..Rachel Dratch
Male Audience Member…..Jason Sudeikis
Pervert…..Jim Downey

Kelly Ripa: Wooow! I.. am.. so excited to be here tonight! Oh! Saturdays are my only night off, so usually I’m home getting pregnant! But this is fun, too. It’svery scary, though, hosting a show all by myself – you know, I.. need a little Irish man with me! You know, they asked me what I wanted to do for my monologue, and I was, like, “Gee, I don’t know,” you know? I’m used to live TV, so I think I’ll just.. talk to the people. So, that’s what I’m gonna do. So.. how you doing?

Female Audience Member: [ nervous, but excited ] How are you?

Kelly Ripa: Hi!

Female Audience Member: Hi!

Kelly Ripa: Where are you from?

Female Audience Member: Westchester.

Kelly Ripa: Westchester! County?

Female Audience Member: Yes.

Kelly Ripa: How’s Westchester this time of year.

Female Audience Member: It’s very nice – thank you!

Kelly Ripa: I’m from New Jersey. [ audience cheers ] Have you ever been to New Jersey?

Female Audience Member: Yes, I have.

Kelly Ripa: That’s great.

Female Audience Member: The road’s a pain..

Kelly Ripa: Yeah. Thank you.

Female Audience Member: You’re welcome..

[ Kelly moves over to a group wearing colorful “I Love Regis!” t-shirts ]

Kelly Ripa: Oh, look at you! I like your shirts, they’re really cute!

Regis Fan: Is Regis coming out later?

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. no.. I’m sorry. Regis is performing at Foxwoods Country Club tonight.

Regis Fan: Let’s go, come on.. maybe we can catch the 12:05. We love you, Kelly!

[ the group of Regis fans exit the studio ]

Kelly Ripa: I guess I’ll see you later, then..

[ Angry Husband and Wife stand ]

Angry Husband: Hey, Kelly Ripa! We got a question!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah!

Angry Husband: Now, you’re 33 years old?

Kelly Ripa: Yes.

Angry Husband: And you got three kids?

Kelly Ripa: Yes. I am very lucky – I hhave three beautiful children!

Angry Husband: So, you’re 33.. and you have three kids?

Kelly Ripa: Yes.

Angry Husband: [ yells at Wife ] See, I told you! We only got two kids! Why can’t you.. look like that?!

Angry Wife: Don’t start with me, Terrell!

Angry Husband: She got three damn kids!!

Kelly Ripa: I’m sorry about that.. [ points ] Yes, you. Yes?

Ruth Weinstock: Yeah! I want to know.. why you let those children.. work.. in the sweatshops.. to make your lcothing line!

Kelly Ripa: No, no.. that’s not me. You’re thinking of.. P. Diddy.

Ruth Weinstock: No, actually, I’m thinking of Kathie Lee Gifford – the lady before you!

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. yes. Okay.

Ruth Weinstock: On “Regis & Kathie Lee!“

Kelly Ripa: Yeah, I-I-I know.

Ruth Weinstock: I liked her.. bet-ter than you!

Kelly Ripa: Great. Thank.. thank you. [ looks to another audience member ] Yes! Hi! how are you?

Pervert: Hi. I’m a.. a big fan of your work. Even before “Regis & Kelly”.

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. oh! On “All My Children”?

Pervert: No, on “Dance Party USA”.

Kelly Ripa: Ohh?

Pervert: You really were quite spectacular.

Kelly Ripa: Thank you. Yes, for those of you don’t know, “Dance Party USA” is kind of like an “American Bandstand”-type show that I was on when I was, like.. 14.

Pervert: I’ve enjoyed watching you blossom into womanhood.

Kelly Ripa: [ slightly disturbed ] Thank you..

Pervert: My favorite episode of “Dance Party USA” is Episode 514, where you slow dance with Matt Richinski to “Neverending Story” by Limahl.

Kelly Ripa: I, uh.. I don’t really remember that..

Pervert: I do.

Kelly Ripa: Do you have a question?

Pervert: Yes. Do you breastfeed your children?

Kelly Ripa: [ stunned ] Eugh! Get out of here! [ to Security ] Get him out of here!

[ Security escorts Pervert out of the studio ]

Kelly Ripa: Oh, my gosh!

Male Audience Member: Hi, Kelly? Hi! I’m a big fan of your new sitcom, “Hope & Faith”!

Kelly Ripa: [ excited ] Oh, wow, thank you!

Male Audience Member: Yeah, no, I was just kidding! Uh.. I haven’t seen it yet, but I am an aspiring actor, so I was hoping you could tell me, uh, you know, what I’m doing wrong, since I have zero jobs, and you have three.

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. well, sure.. first, you have to work really hard.. and then you –

Angry Husband: [ jumps up again ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got three jobs?!

Kelly Ripa: Sssssorta..

Angry Husband: And your husband got one job?!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah..

Angry Husband: Dammit, woman! [ smacks his wife with a newspaper ] I’m gonna leave you.. for her! That’s what I’m gonna do!!

Angry Wife: You want him? Take him! I hope you like credit card debt!

[ the Regis fans re-enter and return to their seats ]

Regis Fan: Kelly..? We came back..

Kelly Ripa: [ excited ] Ohhhhh! Great!

Regis Fan: Yeah.. it felt, you know, it felt rude to leave, and, you know what? We don’t need to see Regis – you’re the best!

Kelly Ripa: You missed your bus, huh?

Regis Fan: Yeah.

Kelly Ripa: I thought that.. but don’t worry about a thing, because we’ve got a great show for you tonight! Outkast is here! You stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts