[ open on stock footage of cute puppies running around ]
Gary V/O: Our pets. They give us friendship, loyalty, and affection.
Kelly V/O: And all they ever ask in return is a little love.
[ dissolve to shelter set, Gary and Kelly in a roomful of cages, with one cute puppy in a cage in the middle ]
Gary: If you’re thinking of adding a pet to your family, we hope you’ll consider taking a trip down to see us. At the Greenbriar County Animal Rescue Shelter.
Kelly: We have dozens of furry friends of all ages and breeds up for adoption!
Gary: And each and every one of them, is hoping to find a good home and a loving family.
Kelly: Take Sammy here! Sammy’s a two-year old shephard mix who loves car rides and is great with kids!
Gary: Or how about ol’ Bruce? Bruce has lots of energy! But is a perfect gentleman on walks through the neighborhood!
Kelly: Hewwo. My name is Pwincess, and I wuvcurwing up by a toasty fire!
Gary: And, uh.. this here is.. Pumpkin. [ his tension with the cute puppy becomes obvious ]
Kelly: [ also appears frustrated with the cute puppy ] Yeah. Pumpkin is, uh.. uhh..
Gary: To be perfectly honest.. Pumpkin is a bit of a douchebag.
Kelly: Yep! There’s no nicer way to say it! He’s pretty much come on like a first-class tool since Day One!
Gary: I-it’s nothing he’s done, really..
Kelly: No, he hasn’t done anything at all! I just, flat out, don’t like his whole deal! I mean, look at him!
Gary: You know, I can read vibes.. and the vibe I’m getting off this pooch is straight jagweed.
Kelly: It’s, like, if you see a guy with a leather car bra on his Mazda Miata, you don’t even have to talk to him – you know he’s a jerk!
Gary: This dog is like that.
Kelly: A-men!
Gary: Oh, oh, sure.. he’s decent enough looking on the outside, but inside.. he’s a soulless creep.
Kelly: Hmm. Kind of like Craig Kilborn!
Gary: What can I say, folks? We get a lot of great dogs in here, but, every once in a while, a real dildo slips through the cracks!
Kelly: Hey, but if that’s your thing – adopt him! Let him hang with your kids. I guarantee you, they’ll turn out to be real a-holes!
Gary: Uh, you know what? Probably, the less said about Pumpkin, the better.
Kelly: I agree! But we’ve got lots of other furry friends just waiting to be picked up for adoption! Like Bongo here!
Gary: Okay, you know what? Hold up a minute. [ chuckles ] Let’s hold up on Bongo, uh.. I can’t let this thing go.
Kelly: Me, either!
Gary: [ putting his face up against Pumpkin’s cage ] You think you’re really something, don’t you? With the tail-wagging, and the running around..
Kelly: I am on to you, pally!
Gary: [ groans ] You know what? Just give me a reason, mac.. because I am this close to shipping you off to the Korean barbecue!
Kelly: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. hey. Take it easy, Gary!
Gary: I know.. I’m sorry. It’s just that I hate this dog so much! [ chuckles, sighs ]
Kelly: The Greenbriar County Animal Shelter. Make a friend for life.
Ian Gerrard…..Seth Meyer Zoe Anderton…..Amy Poehler Geri Halliwell…..Kelly Ripa Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington…..Rachel Dratch Pat O’Brien…..Jimmy Fallon
[open on harlequin blowing smoke cloud with title: “BBC America”]
Voice Over: You’re watching BBC America.
[dissolve to opening montage with title: “Spy Glass”]
[dissolve to studio, with Ian and Zoe]
Ian: Welcome to “Spy Glass,” English television’s top stop for gloss goss.
[titles: “Ian Gerrard,” “Zoe Anderton,” placed beneath the appropriate persons]
Zoe: I’m Zoe Anderton, and I’m full of secrets. [lifts hand conspiratorially to mouth]
Ian: And I’m Ian Gerrard, [titles are removed] getting us started with the story, “A Royal Pain or The Butler Did It.” [graphic of Prince William and Paul Burrell at top left] Prince William has demanded a face-to-face with Princess Di’s butler, Paul Burrell, who’s set to publish a tell-all book about his mother. William calls the book a betrayal. Burrell retorts, “Grow up!” Will the royal boys make some noise, or is it shut up or grow up? Where there’s a William, there’s a way. Is that all for Paul? Only time will Burrell.
Zoe: [graphic of man with question mark obsuring face at top right] What hot, married UK actor has been linked with his newest costar? His secret’s safe with us, but let’s just say he’s lucky that cheating on one’s wife isn’t against the Jude Law. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark fades to reveal Jude Law’s face]
Ian: [graphic of Elle McPherson at top left] All’s not Elle that ends Elle. Australian beauty Elle McPherson just checked out of rehab. Was the leggy supermodel hitting the super-bottle, or was her rehab session for the supression of depression? Will the bossy Aussie’s relationship with her lover go down under, where the women go and the men chunder? Can you hear, can you hear the thunder? You better run, Elle. You better take cover. Oh.
Zoe: [graphic of man with question mark obsuring face at top right] What married movie star was seen snogging in a limousine outside of Harrod’s? You won’t get it out of me, but if that movie star had a bad limp, he might use Michael’s Caine. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark fades to reveal Michael Caine’s face with a cane superimposed]
Ian: Good one, Zoe.
Zoe: Thank you.
Ian: Well, it’s two past the hour, so that means it’s time for our daily Spice Girls report with our own Geri Halliwell.
[dissolve to Geri Halliwell standing in front of Piccadilly Circus with title: “Geri Halliwell”]
Geri: Cheers, Ian! Well, the spice news is hot this week and I’ve got my finger on the pulse. [raises arm] Girl power! Posh is still married to Becks and they live in Spain. Scary is still terrifying. I have a call in to Baby. And I know there’s another one, but I can’t remember her name right now. [raises arm] Girl power!
[dissolve to studio]
Ian: Thanks, Geri. The spice does suffice to be twice as nice as mice…slicing…iced…rice. Zoe!
Zoe: Well said. What tip-top Brit-pop mop-top gave me crabs? My lips are sealed. [raises finger to lips and whispers] It’s Liam Gallagher.
Ian: We love digging the dirt here on “Spy Glass,” and no one does it better than our field correspondent, Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington.
[dissolve to a dumpster with title: “Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington”]
Cornelia: [emerging from dumpster] Cheerio, Ian. Well, let’s see what your old friend Cornie Dumps has dug out of Sir Elton John’s rubbish bin this week. [lifts up a shoe] Oh! Well, if it isn’t an old shoe! That proves it! He’s a fruit! I’m Lady Cornelia Dumpster-Trashington, and that’s no garbage. Hmmmmm!
[dissolve to studio]
Ian: Great work, Cornelia. [graphic of Sir Ian McKellen at top left] Sir Ian McFelon? Why was this X-Man acting like an ex-con? When a waiter spilled soup in his lap, lunch time turned to punch time and Ian was “Lord of the Swings.” Hands off, Gandalf, don’t you know fighting’s a nasty Hobbit? If you ask me, that’s just Ian b-ein’ Ian from what I’m seein’ BcKellen. What? No? Should have stopped at Hobbit? Agreed. Zoe!
Zoe: Let’s go to our favorite entertainment correspondent, Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien.
[dissolve to Pat O’Brien in front of a grey backdrop with title: “Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien”]
Pat: I’m Lord Epson Carlyle Smythe Pat O’Brien. Cheerio. My nose is more congested than Piccadilly Circus on a Saturday. Seriously, it’s like someone shoved two crumpets in my nostrils. Wait ’til you see what my good friend Kelly Osbourne’s up to. Wait ’til you see what happens on “Big Brother” this week. Cheerio.
[dissolve to studio]
Zoe: Thank you, Pat. [graphic of a red heart with a question mark over it at top right] What two TV hosts shagged after a night of pub-hopping last week and haven’t spoken about it since? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe Ian Gerrard and Zoe Anderton. [Zoe smiles smugly as question mark is replaced by Ian and Zoe]
Ian: Not as much fun when it’s directed at you.
Zoe: And you have a husband.
Ian: And you have crabs.
Zoe: Hmmmmm.
Ian: It’s five past, time to check in with our own Geri Halliwell.
[dissolve to Geri Halliwell standing in front of Piccadilly Circus, apparently gazing at her own cleavage until startledly realizing that she is on the air]
Geri: Ian?!
Ian: What’ve you got for us, Geri?
Geri: I’ve got nothing. I really think we should drop the third Spice Girls segment. [raises arm] Girl power?
Zoe: Hmmmmm.
Ian: Seems our sizzle went fizzle. But when we come back, holla if you like Kabbalah. We’ve got Madonna.
Zoe: And she is hotter than a sauna in Ghana.
Ian: You know you wanna.
Zoe: And watch your step.
Both: You’re under the “Spy Glass.” [Zoe brings her thumb and index finger to her left eye, as if looking through a spy glass]
[dissolve to title: “Spy Glass”]
Kelly Ripa: I’m always on the go. “Go, go go!” I’m up at 4:00 with the baby.. out the door at 6:00.. on the air at 9:00. And the crazy part is, I’m supposed to look good doing it. That’s why I use Tressant Suprême.
Tressant Suprême is this fantastic heat and mosturizing intensive hair color, with natural highlights and just a little bit of crack cocaine!
Yeah, I could pay hundreds of dollars to get highlights at a salon.. but how would that help me get through my fifteeneth time interviewing Melissa Joan Hart? It wouldn’t. [ intense ] That’s what the cocaine is for!
Why, just the other night, I was up at three in the morning cleaning my air conditioners, and my husband said, “Wow, babe! Your hair looks great! Come back to bed now, please. Please. I’m very worried about you.” And he was crying a little bit.. [ laughs sadistically ] And I love that it’s all natural – except for the crack cocaine part.
Tressant Suprême is so gentle.. I mean, I will highlight myhair three, four times a day, and it never gets dried up! Look how silky it is. See how it totally moves with me? God, I feel like dancing!
[ dancing ] Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah!
Oh, my God, I just had the most awesome idea for a movie! Somebody write this down!
People ask me: “How do you do it all? Work.. three kids.. a great marriage.” And I say, “Who the f-ck are you?! Get away from my limo!” And then I calm down, and I say, “Tressant Suprême. Try it.”
I’ll tell you one thing – I cannot do this much longer..
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards Jimmy Buffett…..Horatio Sanz
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Andre “Ice Cold” 3000.
Tina Fey: And I’m Big Boi. Here are tonight’s top stories. Well, two weeks after the California recall election, God has cast his vote.
(Graphic: fires) When asked to comment on the fires ravaging his state, governor elect Arnold Schwarzenegger said (in Arnold accent) “These fires are fantastic. I promised the people of California that my term would be nonstop action and excitement. We’re going to keep it coming. We’re going to have a huge earthquake, monsoons – we’re going to make California the number one action state in the country!”
Jimmy Fallon: That was great!
Siegfried announced Thursday that his partner Roy is continuing to recover. Apparently his condition has been upgraded from critical to fabulous.
Whitney Houston is releasing her first album of Christmas songs called “One Wish.” Houston’s one wish: more crack.
Tina Fey: Levi’s announced that they are redesigning their famous 501 jeans to compensate for the fact that Americans are getting heavier. The new design features roomier hips and thighs as well as the patented front butt technology.
In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, “People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea.”
Jimmy Fallon: After weeks of preparation, Sean P. Diddy Combs is set to compete in tomorrow’s New York City Marathon.
Tina Fey: Wow so P. Diddy is running the marathon huh? I wonder how that might play out?
(P. Diddy and other marathon runners appear in front of the set)
Guy: On your marks, get set — (shoots off gun)
(P. Diddy pulls out gun and shoots the guy)
Jimmy Fallon: Kinda like that – yeah. Almost just like that.
Tina Fey: Yeah.
While speaking at a Christian Youth Center in Dallas, President Bush said that religion helped him overcome his heavy drinking and rowdiness. But it was good old-fashioned Texas willpower that got him off the cocaine.
It has been reported that Britney Spears is now dating actor John Cusack. The two have a lot in common: she wants to pursue an acting career, and he wants to bone Britney Spears. Things were apparently going very well with the couple until Jeremy Piven demanded a supporting role.
Jimmy Fallon: After complaining about recurring headaches and nausea, Yankee coach Don Zimmer finally had his head examined on Thursday. (Graphic: Giant Jack-o-lantern)
Commenting on Condoleezza Rice’s role overseeing the situation in Iraq, President Bush said that her job was to quote “help unstuck things that may get stuck. That’s the best way to put it. She’s an unsticker.” Really? That’s the best way to put it? An “unsticker”? You’re the president, you can take a few more minutes if you feel – no? You’re going to go with unsticker? Alright. Condoleezza Rice: Unsticker.
Tina Fey: Well Halloween is over for most people. Here with her review on this year’s Halloween is Drunk Girl.
Drunk Girl: Hahahaha! Trick or Treat! Smell my feet you guys. This year I was Cat Woman – meow! Because all of my other costumes are currently being used as evidence. What are you guys dressed as? Local news blue’s clues, blue’s clues? Anyway, I thought this Halloween could be a lot better for a lot of reasons but then I forgot all of them but now I remember like two of them. Number one: there should be more variety in the treats people give to you. It’s always Snickers, and candy corn and Reese’s pieces peanut butter pieces, and of all the houses I went to, not one of them gave me a grilled cheese sandwich, which is what I really wanted. And I got to say something to Phil. Phil I’m sorry I didn’t come to your party but you didn’t call my cell phone – make sure you call the right number and (garbled) bottom line – you don’t even know me. I also got something to say to Jimmy. (climbs up on desk) Do you like m&m’s, Jimmy?
Jimmy Fallon: They’re my favorite actually.
Drunk Girl: Good. Cause I saved a bunch for you. (Unzips costume and spills candy all over the desk)
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. I think you forgot a blue one over there.
Drunk Girl: That’s not an m&m, Jimmy.
Tina Fey: Ewwwww! Drunk Girl, everyone! (Drunk Girl falls off desk)
Jimmy Fallon: Gary Turner, an Englishman, set a record for having 153 clothespins attached to his face. This explains his nickname “the human idiot”.
Rod Roddy, the announcer on the game show The Price is Right, famous for his line, “come on down,” passed away Monday. But I’d like to think that Rod Roddy is continuing to shout his signature phrase for all eternity, nestled warmly at the right hand of Satan.
Rod Roddy, dead this week at the age of ah – lets see 60 – (audience starts to shout out numbers) What? My brother-in-law says 64. Five? Four? What I can’t hear? I’m going to go with my wife and say 66. (ding ding ding) Yes I won! (Gets up and starts dancing around)
Tina Fey: Come on! That is a real guy! That’s a real guy that died. Come on.
Jimmy Fallon: Sorry.
Tina Fey: The Lakers fined Kobe Bryant this week after he insulted teammate Shaquille O’Neal, calling him “child-like, unprofessional, selfish, fat and jealous.” Bryant then added, “and you know what else? Shaq couldn’t rape his way out of a wet paper bag!”
Jimmy Fallon: This week a video tape came to light documenting a lavish party in Sardinia thrown by the chairman of Tyco Dennis Koslowski, using over 2 million dollars in embezzled funds. Among the party’s many extravagances were dancers dressed like Roman Gods, a giant ice sculpture that dispensed vodka out of its penis, and perhaps strangest of all, a private one-hour concert by Jimmy Buffett for which he was paid a quarter of a million dollars. Here to offer an insiders perspective on the party, Jimmy Buffett, himself ladies and gentlemen.
Jimmy Buffett: Hey! How you doing Jimmy?
Jimmy Fallon: Hey. How’s it going man? I’m doing all right. Good to see you. Uh.
Jimmy Buffett: Good to see you man.
Jimmy Fallon: It sounds like a lot of crazy stuff was going on at that party. You want to tell me about it?
Jimmy Buffett: Hey man, if that party was crazy, I don’t want to be sane. All the folks out there in parrot head nation know what I’m talking about. Sqwaack. Polly wants to party! Aww man but it was pretty nuts. In fact, I wrote a song about it. Check this out.
(Margaritaville) “Got a call from my agent Marty To play some rich dude’s party In Sardinia, just farting around Wasting 2 million dollars on exploding tittie cakes Drinking vodka out of some ice sculpture’s prong Some people say that we’re a bunch of creeps They might be right, Jimmy I repeat I was drinking vodka out of an ice sculpture’s prong.”
Jimmy Fallon: Come on, that doesn’t even fit. That didn’t even fit where it’s supposed to fit.
Jimmy Buffett: It’s vamp. You vamp.
Jimmy Fallon: It’s called vamp?
Jimmy Buffett: It’s called vamp. Man Jimmy, you gotta relax, bro. You gotta put your mind on the beach, my man. Key West! Ah man you got one hand on a frozen margarita, and the other one crammed down your paisley swim trunks.
Jimmy Fallon: See I don’t understand.
Jimmy Buffett: Just starring out at the ocean watching the dolphins play grab-ass with each other.
Jimmy Fallon: How do dolphins play grab-ass with each other?
Jimmy Buffett: Not now, bro bro.
Jimmy Fallon: When?
Jimmy Buffett: You wanna hear another song about this crazy party? Well hear you go.
Jimmy Fallon: You didn’t give me a chance to answer.
Jimmy Buffett: (Margaritaville) “Muscle dudes wearing togas Getting high with Hulk Hogan Putting jalapeño poppers up monkey’s ass Wasting away in Sardinia Woke up in a hot tub full of chile con carne Some people say I was also pretty heavily drugged Yes I was, Jimmy! I don’t remember a thing.”
Jimmy Fallon: That sounds awful. Well you probably — (Buffett does a flourish at the end of his song) You’re having a good time.
Jimmy Buffett: I call that the slide
Jimmy Fallon: What’s that called?
Jimmy Buffett: I call it the slide and pick
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah – nothing came out there but that’s alright
Jimmy Buffett: Again Jimmy, I know man. Listen, I don’t remember a lot of that party. A lot of really crazy stuff went down. Kinda passed out, but when I woke up, I had a tattoo of an eagle on the back of my scalp and someone had written a third song about the party on the back of my god damn head. Do you believe that?
Jimmy Fallon: You’re right, you’re right. I see it.
Jimmy Buffett: And luckily I read music you know.
Jimmy Fallon: Luckily you remembered it as well
Jimmy Buffett: They wrote it backwards so I can look in the mirror and go ‘oh hey, this is a good tune, this is a good tune’. So here it is. This is the third song.
Jimmy Fallon: Aren’t we lucky!
Jimmy Buffett: (Margaritaville) “Smoking a whole lot of feline laxatives I threw a midget into a swimming pool Some people say that he almost drowned I think he may have, Jimmy. Embezzling money is cool –“
Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here. Jimmy Buffett, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Andre “Ice Cold” 3000.
Jimmy Tina Fey: And I’m Big Boi. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 29: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests:
November 8th, 2003 Andy Roddick Dave Matthews John McEnroe Trey Anastasio 20/20Summary: Barbara Walters (Rachel Dratch) teases Martha Stewart (Amy Poehler) during interview. Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Martha Stewart. Note: In dress rehearsal, Darrell Hammond and Maya Rudolph opened the show with a parody of CBS’ banned mini-series, “The Reagans.” Transcript
Montage
Andy Roddick’s MonologueSummary: Inexperienced Andy Roddick is interrupted by Andre 3000. Bio: Tennis star Andy Roddick (1982-) turned professional in 2000, and won his first Grand Slam title at the 2003 US Open.
CryogenixSummary: People have their heads frozen now, in preparation of the cures that will come in the future. Transcript
Z-105 Morning CrewSummary: Multi-voiced Joey Mack (Jimmy Fallon) gives Andy Roddick a hard time during their interview. Recurring Characters: Joey Mack. Transcript
Battle Of The Sexes IISummary: An aged Billie Jean King (Fred Armisen) challenges younger Andy Roddick to an all-out match. Transcript
Mrs. DalrympleSummary: A proper British nanny (Rachel Dratch) watches over a rowdy teenager (Andy Roddick). After the sketch, Chris Parnell and John McEnroe comment on Roddick’s performance.
Anderson Mellner Communications CelebrationSummary: Daryl Hall (Will Forte) and John Oates (Fred Armisen) distribute plaques to achieving employees.
From The AudienceSummary: Venus and Serena’s dad, John Williams (Kenan Thompson), wants to adopt Andy Roddick as his son.
Dave Matthews performs “Save Me”Bio: Dave Matthews (1967-), the vocalist and guitarist from Dave Matthews Band, released his own solo album in 2003.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) unveils the skeletons in his closet. Two-faced Rosie O’Donnell (Horatio Sanz) slaps Tina Fey, then makes Jimmy Fallon laugh. Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Rosie O’Donnell. Transcript
Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott JoplinSummary: Scott Joplin (Maya Rudolph) mocks Andre Agassi of the Past (Seth Meyers), Present (Roddick) and Future (Will Forte). Recurring Characters: Scott Joplin. Transcript
Merv The PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) hits on women at gynecologist’s (Andy Roddick) office. Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv. Transcript
Barbara Walters…..Rachel Dratch Martha Stewart…..Amy Poehler
Announcer: We now return to “20/20” – Barbara Walters’ exclusive interview with Martha Stewart.
[ dissolve to Barbara Walters interviewing Martha Stewart ]
Barbara Walters: Martha, why do you think everyone hates you?
Martha Stewart: I don’t think people hate me. They may envy my lifestyle..
Barbara Walters: Oh no, no, Martha.. [ in a whisper ] People hate you!
Martha Stewart: I think the people you think hate me don’t actually know me. They have —
Barbara Walters: [ interrupting ] Ohhhhh, they know you – and they hate you! I’m not just talking about your employees, either. Your mother.. your daughter.. the paperboy.. that cameraman over there. [ points to Martha’s cameraman ]
Martha Stewart: [ looks directly into the camera ] Do you hate me? [ camera nods “Yes” ]
Barbara Walters: Everyone says you are a real.. “piece of work!”
Martha Stewart: Well, Barbara.. calling someone a “piece of work” is different from hating them.
Barbara Walters: Hmmm.. I was paraphrasing, Martha. The people we spoke to did use the word “Hate”! As well as the words “She-Devil”, “Control Freak”, “Screw”, “Fiend”, “Harpee”, and “Darth Vadar With Highlights.” One person went so far as to call you a real “C U Next Tuesday.”
Martha Stewart: [ confused ] I.. I don’t know what that expression means..
Barbara Walters: It’s not good. Believe me! They also called you “Demon Spawn”, “Bee-otch”, “Castrating Whoreball”, “Conniving Monster”, “A greedy old hag”, “A heartless egomaniac”, “an ass ache”, and one person called you a “Full-Blown Loonie Bird!”
Martha Stewart: Barbara, if I were a man.. people would be applauding my behavior, not trying to put me in jail.
Barbara Walters: If you were a man.. I’d be all over you like butter on beans! But you are not a man! You are a woman. And a hateful one at that. Described by some as: “A tyrannical bully”.. “A Poor Man’s Eva Braun”.. “A N utcracker”.. “A Nutbuster“.. “A Screaming Banshee”.. “The Blonde Medusa”.. and, in an open letter from your shareholders in the Wall Street Journal —
Martha Stewart: Please don’t read that, Martha. I’m crying now. You’re making me cry.
Barbara Walters: [ ignoring Martha ] They call you, possibly the most hateful expletive I’ve ever seen.. in print.
Martha Stewart: Barbara, I’m weeping right now. I’m weeping, you’re making me cry.. I’m very, very emotional.
Barbara Walters: They say: “We wish Martha Stewart would jump off her own “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
[open on event hall exterior with placard: International Tennis Hall of Fame]
[dissolve to interior with podium, and Williams sisters in evening gowns]
Venus Williams: And so, that is why my sister Serena [gestures towards Serena, accidentally touching her breast] and I–Ooh, sorry hon–are here tonight to honor a woman whose historic battle of the sexes match against Bobby Riggs made her one of the most important pioneers in women’s tennis.
Serena Williams: Yes.
Venus Williams: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Billie Jean King!
[Williams sisters step down from poidum and Billie Jean King steps up]
Billie Jean King: Thank you, thank you, thank you. [suddenly louder and harsher] All right, enough! It’s true that we are here to honor the thirtieth anniversary of me crushing Bobby Riggs in the Battle of the Sexes and what that did for women’s tennis. That is why today I am officially announcing the Battle of the Sexes II! [pounds twice on the podium] I hereby challenge the number one men’s tennis player in the world, Andy Roddick, to a best of three sets tennis match, and I intend to win. Now where’s Roddick? Bring him on.
[Andy Roddick stands from his seat at the head table]
Andy Roddick: I’m sorry, Miss King, did you say you wanted to play me?
Billie Jean King: What’s the matter, Roddick, you chicken? Roddick’s a little chicken. You gonna go home to your mommy and cry? [makes crying sounds followed by chicken sounds]
Andy Roddick: I’m not a chicken. Listen, why how about you play Jimmy Connors? That might be a bit fairer.
Billie Jean King: Yeah, no dice, Clay Aiken. Me and Connors had a little thing at the ’74 Wimbledon after-party. Things got awkward. It’s a whole deal. Anyway, the point is this: You and me, sundown, Arthur Ashe Stadium, be there.
Andy Roddick: I guess I have no choice.
Billie Jean King: Yeah, you don’t!
[dissolve to exterior of Arthur Ashe Statium with banner: “Battle of the Sexes II”]
[dissolve to Bud Collins and John McEnroe at a commentator’s table]
Bud Collins: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Arthur Ashe Stadium, site of Battle of the Sexes II. I’m Bud Collins. With me as always, John McEnroe. John, what do you think?
John McEnroe: Well, Bud, I think this is probably one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard in my life. You get Andy Roddick, [dissolve to Roddick on the court, stretching in a standard manner, with title: “Andy Roddick, #1 world ranking”] men’s number one, twenty one years old, world record holder for fastest serve at 149 miles per hour. And on the other side you got Billie Jean King, [dissolve to Billie Jean King doing jumping jacks and turning around in circles, with title: “Billie Jean King, 60 year old Indigo Girl”] a sixty year old Indigo Girl with a racket. [dissolve to sportscasters] Now this can’t possibly end well.
Bud Collins: Well said, my friend. Simply a terrible, terrible idea. Looks like the two are meeting at center court.
[dissolve to center court with Billie Jean King, Andy Roddick, and a man with a coin]
Man: Call it. [flips coin]
Andy Roddick: Heads.
[man catches coin, flips it onto the back of his hand, turns to Andy Roddick, and nods]
Andy Roddick: Miss King, we really don’t have to do this.
Billie Jean King: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, we’re doing this.
[the players take their positions on opposite sides of the court]
[Andy Roddick serves to Billie Jean King, who flinches away from the ball]
Billie Jean King: Is that all you got? Come on! My ninety eight year old grandmother could do better than that!
[Andy Roddick serves again, and it hits Billie Jean King on the butt]
Billie Jean King: Aaaaah! What the F, man?! You can’t just–you gotta tell me!
[Andy Roddick serves again, and it hits Billie Jean King]
[instrumental music starts: “Eye of the Tiger”]
Billie Jean King: Let’s see how you handle my spin serve! [serves to Andy Roddick]
[Andy Roddick returns it handily, and Billie Jean King holds up her racket in shock to find a smoking, tennis ball sized hole in it]
[teenaged girls in the audience cheer]
[Andy Roddick serves, and then Billie Jean King races around the court, grunting and clearly becoming exhausted, while Andy returns three volleys while reading a magazine, and three more while sitting in a lounge chair and enjoying a drink with a pink umbrella in it, until the ball bounces past Billie Jean King]
Billie Jean King: That was out!
[music ends]
[dissolve to score card: “Battle of the Sexes II,” showing that Andy Roddick has beaten Billie Jean King 6-0 in the first six sets and leads her 5-0 in the seventh]
[dissolve to sportscasters]
Bud Collins: Well, we’ve arrived at what we hope will be the match point.
John McEnroe: There’s not much to say, Bud, except for this was just a really horrible idea all-around.
Bud Collins: Andy Roddick, serving for match.
[dissolve to tennis court]
Billie Jean King: Come on, wussy! I’m wearing you down!
[Andy Roddick serves]
Andy Roddick: Sorry! Sorry.
[dissolve to sportscasters]
Bud Collins: Oh-ho, oh-ho!
John McEnroe: That looked like it hurt.
Bud Collins: Well, that should do it. Andy Roddick soundly defeats a sixty year old Billie Jean King.
John McEnroe: This is just embarassing for everyone involved.
Bud Collins: Oh, and here she comes. [Billie Jean King arrives with a tennis ball embedded in her forehead] Let’s see if we can get a word in. Miss King, how do you feel?
Billie Jean King: I think I played a pretty good game. He had some bounces go his way, and what can you do. Make no mistake, though, this isn’t the last you’ve seen of BJK. Watch your back, Roddick, I’m comin’ for ya!
Bud Collins: All right, Billie Jean King. There you have it. Andy Roddick simply humiliates Billie Jean King in seven straight sets. Anything to add, John McEnroe?
John McEnroe: Well, you know, at first, I kind of felt bad for her. Now I feel like she deserved it. Fricking hopeless, this match!
Bud Collins: For John McEnroe, Bud Collins. See you tomorrow.
[dissolve to pan across cheering crowd]
[dissolve to tennis court with title: “Battle of the Sexes II”]
Man #1…..Chris Parnell Woman #1…..Maya Rudolph Woman #2…..Amy Poehler Man #2…..Seth Meyers Man #3…..Jeff Richards
Man #1: When my doctor first told me about my condition.. I was devestated. Especially when I heard that a cure was only ten years away.
Woman #1: When I first heard about it, I’ll admit – I was skeptical. But, now.. I think it’s my only option.
Announcer: Cryogenix. Your body is frozen, and stored in a Cryogrenic chamber for up to one hundred years.
Woman #2: When my doctor told me about Cryogenix, I thought he was crazy. But if, years from now, they find a cure for lactose intolerance, I don’t want to miss that party!
Announcer: Ask your doctor if Cryogenix is right for you.
Man #2: Trust me – no guy wants to go bald. And, in a hundred years.. I won’t have to.
Announcer: Once your body is frozen, your blood is drained, and replaced with liquid nitrogen.
Man #3: People tell me I have terrible halitosis. I’m sure there’ll be a cure for it some day..
Announcer: Your head is then severed from your body, and placed in a vacuum-sealed chamber, to preserve your delicate brain tissue.
Woman #1: I bet there’ll be a better weight loss pill in the future.
Announcer: Ask your doctor about Cryogenix. Because there’s a cure for everything – in the future.
Man #1: Hey. If it’s good enough for Ted Williams.. it’s good enough for me.
Scott Joplin…..Maya Rudolph 1992 Andre Agassi…..Seth Meyers Andre Agassi…..Andy Roddick Future Andre Agassi…..Will Forte
Announcer: And now: “Tennis Talk”, with, your host, Time-Traveling Scott Joplin!
Scott Joplin: [ playing on the piano ] Hi. I’m Scott Joplin.. the father of ragtime, and frequent time-traveler. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling through time, it’s that I love professional tennis. That’s why I host this show.. every week. Today, I’m especially thrilled, because I have with me three of the greatest tennis players of all time.
Our first guest: eight-time grand slam winner – please welcome Andre Agassi. [ plays ragtime on the piano as Agassi (with shaved head) enters and sits ]
Our next guest has just won his first Wimbledon – please welcome Andre Agassi from the year 1992. [ plays ragtime on the piano as 1992 Agassi ( with blond mullet and earring) enters and sits ]
And our final guest: tennis Hall-of-Famer and Ambassador to Neptune – Andre Agassi of the future. [ plays ragtime on the piano as Future Agassi (in futuristic silver clothing and long hair) enters and sits ]
Let’s start with you, ’92 Agassi. What’s new with you?
1992 Andre Agassi: [ chuckles ] Well, things are pretty great! I just won Wimbledon.. I’m dating Brooke Shields.. and I’m doing these pretty awesome commercials for Canon Cameras!
Scott Joplin: That’s great. By the way, Patrick Swayze called – he wants his hair back. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] How about you, Present-Day Andre Agassi – what’s going on with you?
Andre Agassi: I’m really excited. I just had a second baby with my wife, Steffi Graf.
1992 Andre Agassi: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. what, what, what?! I did what?! I was dating Brooke Shields! What happened to Brooke Shields?!
Scott Joplin: Yeah, what happened to Brooke Shields? I don’t know. Maybe she got beyond bored-a you and that cat on your head! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] What about you, Future Agassi?
Future Andre Agassi: Well, first of all, I’m back with Brooke Shields – and her sex clone.
1992 Andre Agassi: Ye-es!
[ 1992 Agassi and Future Agassi high-five one another ]
1992 Andre Agassi: [ to Present-Day Agassi ] Suck it!
Future Andre Agassi: Also, I just returned victorious from the Great Space War. [ swings his futuristic racquet back and forth, to space sound effects ] Yes, the world’s a very different place, in 2008!
Scott Joplin: Hey, Mullet Agassi – I’m looking at Future Agassi, and you still look like the freak! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]
Andre Agassi: Joplin, I don’t appreciate you picking on the ’92 me! I-I was just a kid..
1992 Andre Agassi: I don’t need your help, Old Man! Plus, I’m still mad about you screwing up the whole Brooke Shields thing!
Andre Agassi: Hey, remind me.. [ chuckles ] Wasn’t it you who was hoking up with Barbara Streisand? I mean, come on! Barbara Streisand!
Future Andre Agassi: [ in a serious tone ] That’s no way to talk about the President of the United States!
Scott Joplin: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. whose show is this? Mine? Or the Ghosts of Bad Hair Past, Bad Hair Present, and Bad Hair Future? [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] One final question: the Number One player in the world is Andy Roddick. What do you think of him? ’92 Agassi?
1992 Andre Agassi: Never heard of him.
Scott Joplin: How about you, Present-Day Agassi?
Andre Agassi: Nah, he’s okay.. if you like pretty boys.
Scott Joplin: Future Agassi?
Future Andre Agassi: I’ll never forget what he did for our country. [ stands to yell ] Rod-diiiiiiiickkk!!
Scott Joplin: Ugh. This is worse than the time our guests were Closeted Martina Navritalova, Gay Martina Navritalova, and Mr. Martina Navritalova. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Well.. that’s game, set and match, here on “Tennis Talk”. Until our next court time, I’m Time-Traveling.. Scott Joplin.
Air Date:
