Category: 2003

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Cooking Class

Instructor…..Jack Black
Pete…..Chris Parnell
Gabe Fisher…..Fred Armisen
Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez…..Horatio Sanz
Ruth Weinstock…..Rachel Dratch

[ frizzy long-haired instructor addresses the class ]

Instructor: Hey.. welcome to the Learning Aneex. This is the Art of Italian Cooking. Uh.. I’m gonna be your instructor – Gerald O’Shea!

Pete: [ chuckles ] Well, that doesn’t sound very Italian!

Instructor: Well, it ain’t! Okay! Before we start.. let me take you on a little journey that is Gerald O’Shea, alright? You’ll find no more better qualified food teacher than me, and here is my resume..short list! Super Salad.. Panda Inn.. Wok ‘n Roll.. One Potato, Two Potato.. SpudCo.. Ye Olde Spaghetti Factor.. Great American Hero.. The Great American Cookie Co.. Philadelphia Cheesesteak Factory.. yogurt Machine.. Fudge Company.. and, up until today, Sbarro’s! Where, just like every other place, I was wrongfully terminated due to the fact that I will not put this lion’s mane into a hairnet! Nope! This mane CAN’T be tamed!! So don’t even THINK about it!! Alright?!! [ short pause ] Now, before we start cooking, let’s go around and introduce ourselves.

Gabe Fisher: Okay, uh.. hell-o-o-o-o! My name is Gabe Fish-errr.. and, uh.. I enjoy the finer things in life. Foo-oo-oo-ooddd! Wi-i-ine! And, uh.. beautiful women, and uh.. I’ve been told I can really, uh.. “cook” in the bedroom! [ smiling ] So, I’d like to learn how to cook in the kitchen!

Instructor: It’s true, Bro – ladies love good food. You know, sometimes when I got off my shift at Sbarro’s, I’d dig around all the mistake pizzas out of the dumpster, and troll about the city to woo a lovely lass. It worked like a charm, Broseph! Next!

Ruth Weinstock: Well, uh.. my name’s Ruth.. and, recently, a movie came into my life, called “Under the Tuscan Sun”. And, it inspired me to learn Italian cuisine. Now.. I need to know: will there be dairy in any of these dishes? If so, count me out – dairy gives me a watery stool.

Instructor: O-kayyy.. I will be aware of that, Brosephine. Okay, you – Vasquez.

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I wanna learn how to cook on my own. ‘Cause I’m sicka eatin’ peanut butter and jellies!

Instructor: Alright. And.. Pete.. is it?

Pete: Yeah, well uh.. my wife told me, if I didn’t like her cooking so much, I should go take the class, learn how to cook my damn self! [ chuckles ] So, here I am!

Instructor: Alright. Now, class, listen up. Now, the first rule of food prep is “Wash your hands”, which we’ve already done! [ leans over the counter, his long hair draping over the sauce pot ] Am I right? Alright, Gabe – I’m gonna need you to chop up these tomatoes for me, capiche? Vasquez, please – start peeling the garlic. And, Ruth – could you, uh, grate the cheese up a bit?

Ruth Weinstock: Uh.. I can’t even touch dairy! If I even touch it, I’ll get a watery stool!

Instructor: Alright.. du-ly noted – switch with him. [ points to Gabe ]

Ruth Weinstock: No can do! Tomatoes make my fingers swell up like sausages!

Gabe Fisher: [ laughing ] You know, uh, working with food is, uh, very e-rot-ic! And.. the a-ro-mas are very, uhhhh.. sen-su-al!

Ruth Weinstock: Yeah? Talk to me after I’ve eaten gluton.

Instructor: Alright, Vasquez.. Vasquez, how we doing?

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I might steal some of this garlic in my pockets to scare off vampires on my way homes!

Instructor: [ laughing ] Alright, you’re gonna be okay, friend!

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I don’t think so – you should see my neighborhood! [ singing ] “The freaks come out at night! The freaks come out at night!”

Pete: [ rambling about his domestic bliss to anyone who can’t avoid listening ] So, then I told her, “Fine! I’ll take the cooking class – you take a laundry class, learn how to properly iron a shirt so I don’t embarrass myself in front of the junior executives!” [ laughs ]

Instructor: Yeahhh.. I know what you mean, man. [ begins rubbing the sauce-stirring spoon through his thick, mangy hair ] Chicks are bitch!

Gabe Fisher: [ to Ruth ] Uhh.. excuse me, but uh.. if I may be so bold, maybe if uhhh.. you’re not busy Tuesday, uhhh.. you could come over to my a-part-ment, and uh.. we could re-create this dish together.. uh.. iiiin a more intimate setting!

Ruth Weinstock: I’ll come over on three conditions. Rule #1: that you have no pets, as I am highly allergic to their dander and saliva; Rule #2: my clothes will remain on at all times; and Rule #3: one glass of wine, and I’ll forget all about Rule #2!

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: Oooooohh! The sauce smells delicious! And this cheese smells like feet!

Pete: [ still rambling about his domestic bliss ] So, then I said.. “Hey, Lorraine, I got an idea – why don’t you take a How Not To Let Yourself Go class! [ laughs hysterically ]

Instructor: Here, buddy.. this is a lot better than sex, my friend. Taste this!

[ everyone digs a spoon into the sauce pot for a taste sample ]

Pete: Hmm.. mm-hmm.. mm-hmm..

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: Holy moly! There’s a hair in my sauce! [ pulls out a hair ]

Pete: I-I got one, too.. [ holds up a hair ]

Gabe Fisher: Uh.. I don’t mean to com-plainn.. but I got one, too! [ chuckles ]

Ruth Weinstock: [ pulls a long strand of her hair from her mouth ] Yep. Hair.

Instructor: [ shocked by the accusations, in spite of his long hair ] Hey, man, don’t look at me, man-dudes! This is not mine.. it’s not mine!

Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: But you the only one with hair this long! And you were making the sauce. It’s got to be you, Gerald O’Shea!

Instructor: OKAY!! You GOT me!! Congratulations, you FOUND the hair!! [ a beat ] Now, I’m gonna go take a nap.. and wake me up if you find my band-aid.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Californians For Schwarzenegger..written by: Jim Downey

Arnold Schwarzenegger…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement by Californians For Schwarzenegger.

[ dissolve to Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting on a mock home library set ]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Good evening. This Tuesday, the people of California.. will go to the polls.. to make an important decision. Whether they will continue.. with the fair policies.. of Gray [ sounding like “Craig” when he says it ] Davis.. in the special interest in Sacramento.. or take back our state.. by electing me the governor. And, let me tell you something – Gray Davis is scared! We know this.. because he’s starting.. with a negative campaign.. saying that I’m not ready for this job.. and all of these things.. that I have no specific proposals to get California.. of the mess that we are in! This is not so! It’s not! I have made an exhaustive study.. of the five most serious issues.. facing California. And tonight, I’m here to present the detail.. my five-point program.. for dealing with them!

Number One: The Economy.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “The Economy” ]

Under Gray Davis, we see it all the time, taxes go up, up, up.. and jobs go away, away, away. To Nevada.. and Arizona.. and all of those places. But I will stop this! How? Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] by keeping jobs in California.. and creating new jobs. Good jobs! Where people come to the place.. and work with the employer.. and he gives them the money for doing these things!

Second: Education.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “Education” ]

After the ecomony.. the children and the education is, to me, the most important thing. So, what will I do to fix education? Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I will support the schools.. with the reading and the writing, and the adding together.. the adding together of the numbers and the geography, and all of these things. Because the children of California are the future.. and so on.

Third: There is the issue of Crime.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “Crime” ]

Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I am against the criminals! With the murder and the robbery and the arsons-for-hire impersonating of police officers, and things of this nature. I am against these things!

Fourth: The Environment.

[ for clarification, SUPER: “Environment” ]

It is all very well for me to have a detailed program on jobs.. and education.. and crime.. and this and that! But if we do not pass along a clean environment for children.. and grandchildren.. it is all for nothing! And then, like Gray Davis, I have a plan.. for the environment. Specifically.. [ for clarification, his text now appears as a SUPER ] I will help safeguard the environment.. with positive ID’s for protecting it.. and helpful proposals for making better the quality of our air, and the water, and all of that! Also, I will support the digging up of good ideas by others.

Fifth – and last: we must remember that, despite our differences.. and the bitterness of this campaign.. and all of these things.. we are all Californians. And that is why we must come together.. as one California. That is why we must celebrate our diversity.. that is the thing.. and that is why I am for the affirmative action.. and the rights for the Latinos and the Asians and the Native Americans and the scientoligists, and all of that. And also for the gays, with the men having sex with other men.. and the lesbians with each other.. and the putting of the gerbils and the hamsters, and so on, into the bottom.. and things of this nature! All this, I support.

So, there you have it. My five-point plan.. for California. And, remember.. when you go to the polls this Tuesday.. you’re not just voting for Governor.. oyu’re alo voting for our future.. and things of that nature.

And, one more thing.. “Live, from New York.. and all of that.. it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Cat’s in the Cradle

Musician…..Jack Black
Male Audience Member…..Kenan Thompson
Female Audience Member 1…..Maya Rudolph
Burt Jawinski…..Kenan Thompson
Shelley Long…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, The Wheel Bar & Grill ]

[ dissolve to interior, Musician onstage playing guitar for the crowd ]

“Ill never make the same mistakes
No, never; no, never, never
No, never; no, never, never, whoa
No, never; no, never, never
Doo-diddle-diddle-doo-diddle-doo!”

Musician: Thank you. Thank you very much. That was.. “The Wind”, by Yusef Islam. [ crowd boos ] Oh, hey, WHOA! Everybody! That’s not cool. Look – not all Muslims are terrorists, alright? You might know Yusef Islam by his old name – Cat Stevens!

Male Audience Member: Whoo-hoo, yeah!! Cat Stevens!!

Female Audience Member 1: Mmm! I LOVE Cat Stevens!!

Musician: Okay, thanks a lot, guys. Now, seriously – ladies and gentlemen, this is a special night for me, because there’s a man in the audience that, uh.. well, uh, he’s near and dear to my heart, and he’s never seen me play – ladies and gentlemen, my father, Burt Jawinsky.

Burt Jawinsky: [ stand, smiles ] Never heard of ’em! [ chuckles ]

[ the crowd applauds ]

Shelley Long: Oh, Burt, Bert! What about me! [ stands ] Aren’t you forgetting someone? Yoo-hoo!!

Musician: Oh. Hey, yeah – and his wife, my stepmom, Shelley Long.

Burt Jawinsky: She was on “Cheers”! She was on “Cheers”!

[ the crowd finally applauds lightly for her ]

Shelley Long: Hi! Hi, I was on “Cheers”! I was on “Cheers”! [ shakes the hands of a couple of members of the crowd ]

Musician: Alright, thanks. Thanks, Shelly.

Shelley Long: Yoo-hoo! I was on “Cheers”!

Musician: Thanks – wrap it up, Shelley.

[ Burt sits her down ]

Musician: Okay. Anyway – it means a lot to me that you’re here, Poppa, and, uh.. Dad? This song’s for you:[ singing ]”My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way –“

Burt Jawinsky: He was MADE in the usual way, too: on a FUTON!

[ two guys high-five Bert ]

Musician: [ still singing ]
“There were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away –“

Burt Jawinsky: Well, I had to travel for work, you know? I was road manager for the Harlem Globetrotters.

[ awkward silence ]

Shelley Long: Burt, don’t take it so literally. It’s just a song.

Burt Jawinsky: Well, Diane, I —

Shelley Long: SHELLEY!! My name is Shelley!

Burt Jawinsky: Shelley. He’s making me sound like a deadbeat DAD, or something!

Musician: [ continues to sing ]
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon –“

Burt Jawinsky: Ohhh, boy! Here we go with the cat again! He had a cat named “Boots” —

Musician: [ furious ] Okay, you KILLED Boots!

Burt Jawinsky: We had him put to sleep.

Musician: Boots could have gotten better!

Burt Jawinsky: [ stands ] He had Lou Gehrig’s Disease!

Shelley Long: Burt, calm down, sweetie. [ to Musician ] Sing your song, sweetheart. I was on “Cheers.”

Musician: NO!! Enough is enough, Dad! You’ve done this ever since I was a little kid!

Burt Jawinsky: Done what?

Musician: You’ve EMBARRASSED me!!

Burt Jawinsky: Such as?

Musician: Okay. My 8th grade Halloween party. Yuo got drunk and threw up in a top hat!

Burt Jawinsky: I was dressed as Abraham DRINKIN’!

[ Burt, the crowd, and Shelley all laugh, as high-fives are passed around ]

Musician: Well, you know what? It wasn’t funny to me.. Dad! And what about my Senior play?

Burt Jawinsky: Awwww, come on —

Musician: NO!! You were LAUGHING so hard, they threw you out!!

Burt Jawinsky: It was funny.

Musician: We were doing “Diary of Anne Frank”!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ starts laughing, Shelley joins in ] Every time I THINK of it, I lose it!

Musician: Yeah? And what about my college graduation party?!

Burt Jawinsky: [ thinks back for a moment ] What.

Musician: You got DRUNK and threw up in a TOP HAT!!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ offended ] How.. DARE you!! I was.. DRUNK!! [ stands up and pounds his table ]

Musician: WHY??!!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ matter-of-factly ] Because I had problems. [ camera zooms in, as Shelley clutches Burt’s arm ] It wasn’t easy being a single father. Your mother left me.. I got caught taking money out of Meadowlark Lemon’s wallet.. tragically, I developed an allergy to cookies. All in the same year, so.. pardon mai.. if I went a little whacky. [ looks at Shelley ] Thank God I got paired up with this sweet lady on “$25,000 Pyramid”!

Shelley Long: [ smiles ] “Things You Find in a Drawer!”

[ they kiss ]

Musician: Dad!!!

Burt Jawinsky: All I know is.. when I look at you, I know I did all right. ‘Cause you’re a great son. [ looks at the crowd ] And so a lot of other people think the SAME thing!!

[ Shelley leads the crowd into a round of applause ]

Musician: Thanks. Thank you, Dad. That means a lot to me. You know what else would mean a lot? Come up here and sing a song with me!

Burt Jawinsky: [ embarrassed ] Aww, I don’t know..

Shelley Long: Come on, Burt, why not? Sing with your boy! “Cheers”!

[ the crowd cheers Burt on, as he stands and approaches the stage ]

Burt Jawinsky: I don’t know what we’re gonna sing, uh — I don’t know any songs.

Musician: Well, I know you know this one, Dad!

[ opening piano notes of the “Cheers” theme song begins ]

Musician: [ singing ] “Making your way in the world today, takes everything you’ve got.”

Burt Jawinsky: [ singing ] “Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot!”

Musician: [ singing ] “Wouldn’t you like to get away?”

Burt Jawinsky: [ singing ] Sometimes you want to go-o-o-o-o-o-o..”

Musician: [ singing ] “Where everybody knows your na-a-me!”

[ Shelley pops into the scene ]

All: [ singing ] “And you’re always glad you ca-ame!!”

[ Shelley returns to her seat ]

Together: [ singing ] “You want to be where everybody knows your name!”

Shelley Long: [ pokes her head in once more ] I was on that show!

[ Father and Son hug, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Goodnights

…..Jack Black
…..John Mayer

Jack Black: Thanks to John Mayer!

John Meyer: [ humbly ] Thank you.

Jack Black: Kyle Gass! Will Ferrell! And everybody who wrote and acted in this thing!

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Huggies Thongs

Mom #1…..Maya Rudolph
Mom #2…..Rachel Dratch

[ two moms look on as their kids play ]

Mom #1: Aren’t they adorable?

Mom #2: Yours is.

Mom #1: Oh, come on!

Mom #2: I’m serious! Caitlin always looks great! ..But, my little Abby looks so.. frumpy. It’s a big, bulky diaper.

Mom #1: Well, haven’t you heard about new Huggies Thongs?

Mom #2: Thongs for babies?

Mom #1: Thongs are what I wear when I need a smooth panty line. So, why shouldn’t she?

Mom #2: Are these as absorbant as regular Huggies?

Mom #1: See for yourself.

[ they pour a fecal-like substance over the thin thong panty strip, which promptly succumbs to the weight and tears through ]

Mom #2: They’re not.

Mom #1: No. In fact, they cause a bigger mess than if there were no diaper at all.

Mom #2: I like it!

Mom #1: Isn’t cleaning up a few times worth it?

Mom #2: I’m sold! [ making a bad pun ] It seems like, with new Huggies, we can’t go thong!

[ the two moms laugh ]

[ Sisqo’s “Thong Song” plays, on close-up of the babies’ bouncing booties in thong diapers ]

Announcer: Huggies. You can’t go thong.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Jack Black’s Monologuebr>
Written by: Jack Black, James Anderson, Jeff Richmond, Paula Pell, Steve Higgins

…..Jack Black
…..Kyle Gass
…..the cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ the audience applauds wildly as Jack Black comes out, almost refusing to let their applause cease as he begins his monologue ]

Jack Black: Thank you very much, you guys, thank you. Thank you very much. Oh wow, I’m so excited.. I’m so excited. Do you know what, seriously? you guys, seriously. I need to tell you something. I need to tell you something serious NOW!! It’s party time. It’s party time. [ audience applauds wildly ] Why? Why is it party time? Because it’s the season premiere! And I’m hosting it! Why am I hosting it?! [ laughs ] It must be because I’m huge. I’m huge! Aparently, I went from being a superstar, to a megastar; and I didn’t even notice it. It’s freaking me OUT!! But I do know one thing – I’m not gonna let it go to my head. No way. Not this J.B.

[ begins his scat, singing ]

“You think that I am cocky ’cause they’re praising my name
But not this Jack!
You think I’d be a player in this Hollywood game
No, not this Jack!

I will admit, I know how to sing it!
But if there’s a song, this kickin’ star can being it!
Me, a big head?
Uh-huh!Not this Jack!”

[ stops singing to approach an audience member ] Okay, you, please – do not make eye contact wth me, don’t look at me. Stop looking at me!! [ turns to another audience members ] You, look at me continuously. Always eye cont- [ audience member turns his head ] don’t look away! Good. You see, I have not changed, people. I still eat Pacitos.. I still hire my own housekeepers.. How about a little scat while I get my Botox – let’s party!

[ does a quick scat as Botox is injected into the areas around his face ]

Don’t forget that one! I want Botox, now I’m ready to roll! [ addresses the audience again ] Seriously, you guys – no flash photography, eyebrows are paralyzed! What’s going on – oh, my gosh! Oh, look, there’s a future Jack Black fan! Let me kiss this baby! [ kisses the baby ] So adorable! [ notices Kyle Bass standing in the room ] Dude, what are you doing?

Kyle Gass: They wouldn’t let me in!

Jack Black: No problem, I’m gonna take care of you! [ signs his name on Kyle’s guitar, then exits down the hall ] You guys, I’m gonna introduce you to my kids – they’re the same ones I’ve had for months! [ enters dressing room, occupied by a group of kids and a statuesque blonde ] This is Alexandria.. Kusong.. I forgot your name.. Luis.. and Tawny. [ indicates the blonde ] Tawny, stand up, let the people see what that’s all about. Oh, yeahhh!! Whoa, that’s the nanny!! [ laughs ]

[ Black exits back inot the hall, where he passes featured players Finesse Mitchell and Kenan Thompson ]

Oh, my God! Are you guys the new dudes? What’s your names? [ Finesse and Kenan start to speak ] Like I care! [ continues down the hall with his scat, passing tina Fey drinking water from a squirt bottle ] SQUEE-EEZE!! [ squeezes Tina’s water bottle, squirting water in her face ]

[ Will Ferrell steps up to Black in the hall ]

[ shoves Ferrell in the face and pushes him away ] Not now! I don’t have time! Ha ha! [ scats, encountering the entire cast in the outer hall ] Whoa, whoa, whoa – no! No, that’s not cool. Why is the auience out of their seats?

Chris Parnell: Uh.. actually, we’re the cast.

Jack Black: Awk-ward.. for you guys! Hit it, boys!

[ scats ]

“Oh no, I’m not a doo-fus!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a phony.”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a jack-weeeeed!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a creepy little dude in his creepy Gucci shoes
looking for trannies in his el Camino!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: A little lower.

Cast: [ lower ] “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: Waaaay lower.

Cast: [ way lower ] “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: Okay, that’s great. You guys stay here. Horatio, come on, let’s put some mustard on this bratwurst!

[ Black scats with Horatio, but stops him for faring poorly ]

Stop it! That’s not scat! You’re ruining my song. Just.. Will? Do you know how to scat?

[ Will Ferrell steps out from the shadows, looking slightly confused ]

Will Ferrell: I, uh.. I don’t know.. I-I-I guess I could try.. [ scats perfectly ]

[ pleased, Black scats along with Will, then sings ]

Jack Black: “I won’t deny I’m tasty fantastiiiic!”

Horatio Sanz: “Oh, he needs not made of.. Hollywood plastic!”

Together: “No way!
Not.. this.. Jaaaaaaaaaackkkk!!”

Jack Black: We’ve got a great show – John Mayer is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Telemarketers

Written by: Erik Kenward, Dennis McNicholas, Jeff Richmond

Head Telemarketer…..Jack Black
Female Telemarketer…..Amy Poehler
Male Telemarketer…..Chris Parnell
Black Telemarketer…..Kenan Thompson
Male Telemarketer #2…..Will Forte

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ SUPER: “Excellacom Telemarketing, LLP – Sometime in the not too distant future” ]

[ dissolve to interior, telemarketers sitting behind computers in cramped quarters ]

Head Telemarketer: [ on phone ] — if you just stay with me. Yeah. If you want to go with a six-month plan, I can give you five dollars a week, and that — okay. Sorry. [ hangs up ] Well.. ah, that’s it, guys.

Female Telemarketer: Oh. you mean..?

Head Telemarketer: Yeah. Thanks to Congress, that was the end of an era. The last telemarketing call ever. We’ve got to accept the fact that, thanks to this new No Call bill, we telemarketers are now a part of this great nation’s history..

[ sentimental music pots up ]

Gone the way of so many wonderful things: the wide-open plains.. nickel hot dogs..

Male Telemarketer: Double headers at Ebbett’s Field.

Black Telemarketer: The majestic buffalo!

Head Telemarketer: Yes.. and racially-segregated drinking fountains.. I know, it’s sad, friends. What we had was something special! Yet fleeting, like the tender cherry blossom. And no one can take that away from us.

[ singing ]

“The dream is over
Our ti-ime is gone.
We were like shooting stars
But now our day is gone.

Look at this condo and winter vaca-ation
Interested in.. some debt consolidation?
Are you happy with your long-distance service?
This leathery palm was.. a touch-tone dervish.

I could sell ice cubes to Eskimos, when I was in the zone
Subscribe now and get a Sports Illustrated
San Diego Chargers football-shaped pho-o-o-o-ne!”

But now that’s all passed.. and so am I. The noble telemarketer.

[ singing ]

“I was the King of the Phone
Life’s Number One guy!
Calling shut-ins ’round five
Yeah, I sell MCIIIIIIIIII!!”

All: “America, let us call you!”

Head Telemarketer: “We were part of your lives, you can’t throw us away!”

All: “America, let us call you!”

Male Telemarketer #2: With my co-caine addiction, it’s the only job I can do-o-o-o-o-o!!!

Head Telemarketer: Hey! Everyone, let’s cool it with the chick music! My axe got something to say about this!

[ jumps onto the desk and wails on his guitar ]

Now, listen. We were – nay – we are.. telemarketers, America. You might not think so now, but you’re gonna miss us when we’re gone. Every night for the rest of your life, you’ll have to fill those awkward silences at the dinner table, prayimg for the phone to ring. But it won’t! Your every dinner hour from now ’til the end of time will be silent as a tomb. And, guess what? Next time you want to take a 90-minute orientation tour of a new condo complex, you’ll have to call us! Yeah! It stings, don’t it?! Come on, everybody!

[ singing ]

All: “America, let us call you!”

Head Telemarketer: “Unemployment’s at an all-time high!!”

All: “America, let us call you!”

Head Telemarketer: Where ya’ gonna go for unwanted solicitation – on the internet?! [ laughing ] It’s not gonna happen!

All: “Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone”

Head Telemarketer: “They paved paradise
And enacted a Don’t Call laaaaaawwww!!”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Rush Limbaugh…..Jeff richards
…..Finesse Mitchell
Wanda Sykes…..Maya Rudolph
Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Earlier in the week, Arnold Schwarzenegger outlined his plan for the first hundred days of his administration. Actually, it’s only a plan for the first twenty days, but he’s gonna do five reps.

Schwarzenegger also acknowledged in a Los Angeles Times article, documenting his groping of women on movie sets, saying that, although some information was inaccurate, “Whenever there is smoke, there is fire.” Adding.. [ in Scwarzenegger voice ] “And whenever there’s fire, I am squeezing titties! I love to squeeze titties!”

Tina Fey: Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clarke has started giving out Clark bars as souveniers at his rallies. not to be outdone, candidate Al Sharpton continues to eat – and be – Nutrageous.

Jimmy Fallon: America Online launched a new service this week called AOL Latino, aimed at Spanish – speaking households. AOL Latino is just like regular AOL, except when you log on, it’s says.. [ in Spanish voice ] “You got mail, poppy!”

Tina Fey: Rush Limbaugh resigned from his job on ESPN’s Sunday NFL Countdown, after racially-charged remarks about Philadelphia Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb, saying that McNabb is given too much credit for his performance because he is black. Finally, someone has the guts to say what the liberal media doesn’t want you to know: Black people are not good at sports!

Jimmy Fallon: Well, this is a tough week for Rush Limbaugh. He’s also under investigation for allegedly purchasing thousands of addictive painkillers from a black market drug runner.

Tina Fey: Here to comment on all of this, is Rush Limbaugh!

Rush Limbaugh: Ah! Thank you! Thank you, Tina. Uhh.. folks. It’s a pleasure to be here – I’d first like to say that my remarks about Donovan McNabb.. were directed at the media.. and were not racially motivated. I am not a racist! Many of my on-air colleagues were blacks. Not just regular blacks, but extremely dark blacks!

Tina Fey: Okay. Now, what about the painkillers? Five thousand painkillers? Why did you need so many pain pills?

Rush Limbaugh: Aw, now.. to-to say that OxyContin are “pain pills” is a gross.. mischaracterization. A typical left-wing, femi-nai propaganda. I assure you, I am healthy! I take OxyContin to trip my balls off! Yeah!

Tina Fey: Alright. so.. it sounds like you don’t have any regrets.

Rush Limbaugh: [ thinking it over ] Well, I do have one regret, uh.. the timing. ..If this drug thing.. sticks.. I could go to jail.. and I just pissed off a lot of black guys! Yeah. Yeah. [ audience laughs, then applauds ] Oh, don’t clap! It’s very dangerous! But it doesn’t bother me, uh.. because.. people can say whatever they want – you know.. you can’t hurt Rush Limbaugh! Seriously.. you can’t hurt me. I have so much Demoral coarsing though my veins.. I can’t feel a thing! Look at this.. [ begins to pound a hammer onto his hand, repeatedly, never flinching ] Nothing! Nothing at all! I don’t feel anything..

Tina Fey: O-kayyy.. Rush Limbaugh, everybody. Rush Limbaugh.

Jimmy Fallon: Sean “P. Diddy” Combs announced Tuesday that he will compete in the New York Marathon, in hopes of raising $1 million for education charities. Combs does not expect to make good time in the race, because it’s very hard to run fast with Ashon Kutcher up his ass the whole time.

Tina Fey: In a stunning development this week, First Lady Laura Bush got engaged, to French president Jacques Chirroc. Best wishes.

As of yesterday, the Bush administration said they still haven’t found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. So, just to recap, here are the things President Bush can’t find:
The White House leak
Weapons of mass destruction in Iraq
Saddam Hussein
Osama Bin Laden
A link between Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden
The guy who sent the anthrax through the mail
..and his own butt, with two hands and a flashlight.

Jimmy Fallon: A retired Japanese silkwork breeder, documented as the world’s oldest man, died in his home Sunday, at the age of 114. Fortunately, he died doing what he loved: heroin.

Tina Fey: Well, it’s October, and the Fall movie season is heating up. Here with a review of the new Denzel Washington movie “Out Of Time”, is our entertainment correspondent – and new cast member – Finesse Mitchell!

Finesse Mitchell: Thank you. Thank you, Tina. Now, I really want to see this movie, but I have to wait a while. Going to see a movie in my neighborhood would be really hard – you don’t actually get ot see the movie. I mean, the last movie I went to see in my neighborhood was “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” at the Magic Johnson Theater. There was so much going on – people were having a birthday party inside the theater. They were passing around cake – I didn’t know you could do that. The movie started, and people were cheering – but not cheering like “We want the movie! Bring on –” No, it was a big group of girls sitting in front of me, actually cheering. Like this: “Crouching Tigerrrr, Hidden Drag-an! Crouching Tigerrrrrrr, Hidden Drag-annnnnn! I said my name is Laticia – Crouching Tiger, Crouching Tiger! It’s my birthday, up in here – Crouching Tiger, Crouching Tiger! What’s up, Tisha? Hey, girl! Call me! Okay, okay? Ah ah ah ah ah..!” So, you know – I wanted to see the movie, so I tried to do my “I’m gonna go and get the manager if you don’t keep it down” white man cough. I mean, you know how they do it – they go: [ makes coughing sounds ] But she just turned around and said: “[ imitating coughing ] Something wrong with your throat?! You need a Sucret’s?! Give him some cake or something, I don’t know.. it’s my birthday!”

But, listen.. when Laticia found out she had to read for two-and-a-half hours.. ’cause “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”‘s half subtitles. so, when she found out she had to read – oh my goodness. She was excited at first: “Thank you, girl! Thank you, Frere Jacques! Thank you, Preciante – uh, ooh.. we have to read?! Oh, I hate y’all! Something told me we shoulda saw ‘Shrek’!” Now, I don’t claim to know everything – ’cause I’m from Georgia, you know? But I’m pretty damn sure you’re not supposed to read out loud in no movie theater! It sounded like a ghetto karaoke bible study was going on in there. People who were reading out loud was using their finger.. [ demonstrates ] “The green.. destiny sword.. does not belong to you.. and..” [ mimes turning the page ] But that wasn’t the funny part, the funny part was that there was sixty of us in the theater; thirty out of the sixty was reading out loud! Fifteen out of the thirty were not on the 8th grade reading level we’re all supposed to be on, so they could not finish the screen before it switched on to something else! [ demonstrates ] “You.. have.. betrayed.. my.. family.. and [ screen changes ] — oh, shoot! SLOW it down! It’s my BIRTHDAY, slow it DOWN!! I got you, Preciante, I got you.”

Tina? It was a nightmare.

Tina Fey: Finesse Mitchell, everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: Madonna has agreed to star as a kinky, leather-clad dominatrix in Britney Spears’ new music video. This should be really hot – for anyone who finds sad desperation hot.

Tina Fey: Yes!

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So, don’t worry, single women, you’ll be dead soon!

Billy Joel shattered his wrist this week, after falling down the stairs while inspecting renovations at his Long Island home. The fall has left Joel no choice, but to fire his contractors James Bean and Glenn Fittish.

Jimmy Fallon: Eight years after divorcing his wife, Roy Littlejohns has married the woman’s identical twin sister. [ mysteriously ] Or so he thinks..

[ cut to Tina, casually drinking from a glass of Scotch as she turns to stare at Jimmy ]

[ cut back to Jimmy, who has just applied a fake moustache to his upper lip, now laughing with a sinister tone over ominous music ]

[ cut to wide shot of Jimmy and Tina, as they freeze in place to applause, then continue the newscast ]

Tina Fey: Police in Rockton, Illinois arrested Robert Moy after he fired a gun at the owner of a pizza restaurant, because his pizza was delivered an hour late. Moy is expected to please “Crazy Bread.”

[ laughs ] That’s my favorite! Anyway..

Viewers of last week’s 55th Annual Emmy Awards may have noticed an incredibly awkward moment betwene Bill Cosby and comedienne Wanda Sykes.

Jimmy Fallon: [ curious ] What are you talking about?

Tina Fey: You didn’t see this? No.. it was just a little bit awkward – we have a clip of it, let’s take a look at the clip.

[ cut to clip from the Emmys, Wanda Sykes walking among the audience ]

Wanda Sykes: Wow! This is incredible! I mean, the 55th Annual Emmy Awards! So many big stars here tonight, especially.. this man right here. Mr. Bill Cosby! Come on, everybody – Bill Cosby! [ the crowd starts to applaud ] Yeah! What.. what.. what a legend. Now, I mean, Bill Cosby’s a true pioneer – both for comedians and African-Americans, like myself. Mr. Cosby? I used to watch your show all the time.

Bill Cosby: Get out of my face.

Wanda Sykes: [ surprised ] What?!

Bill Cosby: I said.. get out of my face!

Wanda Sykes: Wow! Wow, you cranky! I-I-I guess that happens to all people sometimes, you know? Because you’ve been on TV forever, ain’t ya, Bill? Wa-w-asn’t “I-Spy”, like, the first show ever on television, huh? I mean, you-yuo on TV before they invented TV, weren’t ya?

Bill Cosby: Yeah, but.. at least we spoke English! You know, with the flizzles, the flazzles, the snazzles.. uhhhhh..

Wanda Sykes: Okay. Yeah! Okay, Bill, that’s funny! See, you wanna do the Electric Slide with me, Bill? Come on! Ah-ah!

[ Cosby stands up in slugs Wanda in the face, knocking her to the floor ]

Bill Cosby: [ upset with himself ] Now, you see what you made me do in front of my wife – Camiiiillle?? [ points to his wife sitting next to him ]

[ without warning, Wanda Sykes jumps up and pounches Bill Cosby, as they tumble to the ground in a madcap scuffle ]

Announcer: Coming up next on the 55th Annual Emmy Awards – Bernie Mac.. and the dog from “Frasier”.

[ cut back to the Weekend Update set ]

Tina Fey: Hmm.. alright. In a recent — [ audience begins to applaud ] Yes! See, it was a little awkward. It was a kind of an awkward moment.

In a recent interview, Colin Farrell admitted that he used to smoke “280 fags every week.” Just to clarify this statement, in parts of Europe, the word “fag” is a slang term for “gay dude”.

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

The Wade Robson Project

Wade…..Seth Meyers
Boogie…..Finesse Mitchell
Amber Lynn…..Maya Rudolph
Katanya…..Amy Poehler
Sparkle…..Jack Black

Announcer: Three new dancers, only two will advance; tonight on The Project.

[Cheering]

[Wade enters and dances]

Wade Robson: Woo, waz crackin’ ya’ll? My name is Wade Robson, welcome to The Wade Robson Project. Yo, I dunno about you, but I’m feelin good. I’m feelin like, I dunno, maybe…[Does dance]

[Crowd cheers]

Wade Robson: Woo, yeah, yeah. [Awkward pause] Yo, we got some dope dancers for ya’ll man. Ya’ll gotta get ready to go off because, I dunno maybe their gonna be like…[Does dance again]

[No response from audience]

Wade Robson: Nothin? Alright. No? Cool. Got it, fair enough. Alright, but before we get started, lemme introduce you to my main man, he’s my dog, my dirty, I’m talkin’ about Boogie ya’ll. He’s the hizzle and he’s in my nizzle!

Boogie: Yo, what did I tell you about that man? You can’t say that word.

Wade Robson: Can’t say “nizzle” got it.

Boogie: ALright, let’s bring out our first dancer to the stage. She’s a former physical therapist, slash, private wrestler, all the way from Las Vegas, Nevada. Ya’ll, give it up for Amber Lynn!

[Cuts to backstage]

Amber Lynn: Hey, hey, hey, my name is Amber Lynn and I am a Virgo and I am da bomb like that bank robber pizza guy with the collar. See, right now, I am employed at the parking lot at the Bellagio Hotel, resort, casino, and what-not, where I provide the guests with moderately-priced groinial massages to completion…What, what? [Does robot]

Wade Robson: Yo, yo, yo, put your hands together for Amber Lynn!

[Crowd cheers as Amber Lynn enters]

Wade Robson: Hey, Amber Lynn welcome to the show. So what are you gonna do for us today?

Amber Lynn: Well, first off I’d like to give big ups to God AND to Jesus; and I’m goin to be dancin to “I Like to Crotch On You” By R. Kelly.

[Music begins and Amber Lynn does very odd dance moves such as pretending to apply make-up]

Wade Robson: Yo girl that was hot. That was totally hot, but I thought you could’ve maybe took it to the next level. Maybe given it like a [Does dance again]

[Crowd boos]

Wade Robson: Ok, I’ll stop. That’s fine, that’s cool. Alright, lets take it over to Boogie. Who’s next boy?

Boogie: Ok, ok, again, I know you didn’t mean that the way it sounded, but you can’t say that would either man, c’mon.

Wade Robson: Yeah, yeah, you can’t call black dudes “boy” got it, got it.

Boogie: Alright man, let’s bring out our next guest. Ok, she’s a former meat cutter, and currently she’s unemployed. Please welcome Katanya.

[Cuts backstage]

Katanya: Yo, yo, yo, my name is Katanya and I’m 23 yrs old, I’m from Las Vegas and I’m on permanent paid vacation from the meat factory after I fell into the pork shanker…TWICE! Holla-la-la-la-la!!!

Wade Robson: Let’s bring her out. Let’s say hello to Katanya…Girl, I like it; so how u feelin’ Katanya?

Katanya: I just wanna say “Suck on it Phifer Meats! You’re a bad packaging company and you can keep those three fingers!…’Cuz I’m rollin’ in it!” But seriously, if anyone who eats a hot dog, finds my class ring, give me a call because it means a lot to me.

[Christina Aguilera’s “Can’t Hold Us Back” plays while Katanya does dance movements as to have a baby then throw it away]

Wade Robson: Enough, enough, alright, I was feelin’ that. Alright, let’s see, now we gonna go over to my main man to see who’s next. Their ain’t nobody BIGGA, his names Boogie and he’s my —-

Boogie: Hey hey! Don’t, just please man…

Wade Robson: Ok, you’re right. Ok, you saved us all, thank you…

Boogie: Man, here we go again, all the way from Las Vegas, Nevada. Ya’ll put it up and give your hands and put it together for Sparkle.

[Cuts backstage]

Sparkle: Suuup? My name is Sparkle and I am 38 yrs YOUNG and yeah, I guess I bring it. Do I have a kick ass job? I dunno, is Police Lineup Decoy a kick ass job? What’s that? Yes? Well then I guess I rest my case!

Wade Robson: Here he is ya’ll. Let’s give it up for Sparkle!

Sparkle: Alright, step aside mortals. Prepare to have your minds blown squarely out yo ass!

[Justin Timberlake’s “Rock Your Body” plays and Sparkle bounces, rolls, and hops onstage]

Sparkle: That’s the “Tiger-Roll”. Russian! Russian! Russian! Russian! And then also, Donkey Kick! Double Donkey Kick!

[Music ends]

Wade Robson: Alright yo, we gotta bring everybody out now.

[All enter stage]

Wade Robson: Yo, like, I gotta be honest; you guys are all awful dancers. Like just really bad. Amber Lynn, I’m pretty sure you’re just a straight up hooker…

Amber Lynn: Whooptie, whoop!

Wade Robson: …Aiight, aiight, Katanya, you’re disgusting…

Katanya: Your welcome.

Wade Robson: …Sparkle, I think you have some serious problems man.

Sparkle: Yeah, but what about my routine?!

Wade Robson: It was terrible, you’re eliminated.

Sparkle: Alright, but I will leave you with this…Um, a couple more donkey kicks!

Wade Robson: Ok, yo, yo, you gotta go man. Alright, that’s all the time we got on The Project! Yo, peace out everybody! Let’s dance!

Submitted by: Mia

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 11th, 2003

Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake

None

Carl Weathers
HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the CIA leak in the White House.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Ann Coulter.

Transcript

Montage

Justin Timberlake’s MonologueSummary: One of Justin Timberlake’s biggest fans turns out to be a middle-aged man (Steve Higgins).

Bio: Justin Timberlake (1981-) is a former vocalist for *NSync and the former boyfriend of Britney Spears. He began his solo career in 2002.

Transcript

Justin Timberlake performs “Rock Your Body”

Punk’d: Barely LegalSummary: Ashton Kutcher’s (Justin Timberlake) latest pranks have illegal results.

Note: Justin Timberlake was “Punk’d” by Ashton Kutcher on the show’s premiere episodewhen he was fooled into thinking the IRS was seizing his property for not paying his taxes.

Transcript

CNN Breaking NewsSummary: Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) admits he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Recurring Characters: Arnold Scwarzenegger.

Transcript

A Message From Nich Lachey & Jessica SimpsonSummary: Nick Lachey (Jimmy Fallon) rolls his eyes as Jessica Simpson (Justin Timberlake) tries to dispute rumors of her stupidity.

Transcript

Omletteville vs. Benny’sSummary: Dressed in silly food costumes, Benny’s bacon-and-eggs-clad mascot (Chris Parnell) competes in a vocal feud with Omletteville’s omelette-clad mascot (Justin Timberlake).

Note: In the dress rehearsal version, the sketch ends with a strip club owner (Fred Armisen) offers the two mascots jobs dancing in front of his establishment.

DirectTVSummary: Gary Busey (Jeff Richards) expresses how much he loves his DirectTV.

Recurring Characters: Gary Busey.

Transcript

Boston TeensSummary: Denise (Rachel Dratch) treats Sully (Jimmy Fallon) to an elegant birthday dinner.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.

Transcript

Justin Timberlake performs “Senorita”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeyTranscript

The Sharon Osborne ShowSummary: Sharon (Amy Poehler) and Ozzy Osbourne (Horatio Sanz) creep out their guests.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Osborne, Ozzy Osborne, Michael Bolton.

Rainbow ConnectionSummary: Justin Timberlake’s attempt at a duet with Kermit the Frog morphs into an all-out brawl with the puppeteer (Will Forte).

Transcript

Carl Weathers For GovernorSummary: Carl Weathers announces his bid for governor, hoping such a victory could mean a “Predator” trifecta.

Transcript

Justin’s Dressing RoomSummary: Despite her nonchalence, Amy Poehler is excited to visit Justin Timberlake’s dressing room.

Transcript

Justin Timberlake performs “Cry Me A River”

The Barry Gibb Talk ShowSummary: Brothers Barry (Jimmy Fallon) & Robin Gibb (Justin Timberlake) interview politicians.

Recurring Characters: Barry Gibb, Robin Gibb.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts