Category: 2004

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Bear City

Narrator…..Fred Willard

[ open on animated image of a meteor hurtling through the atmosphere and making impact on Earth ]

Narrator V/O: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious and visible cloud covered the town, forcing the citizens to flee underground.

[ show townspeople running into a barn-like structure ]

Narrator V/O: In this mysterious, visible cloud was a chemical that enabled bears —

[ show a bear squat in the woods, as the image dissolves into a similar pose of the bear sitting on a toilet inside of a house ]

Narrator V/O: — to evolve an fill the void left by humans.

[ show other bears walking through the city wwearing business suits and carrying briefcases ]

Narrator V/O: And, within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

[ show the bears interacting like humans — stepping out of elevators, rading newspapers, etc. ]

Narrator V/O: Although they couldn’t talk, the bears went about their lives just like Man had done.

[ show close-up of a boy and girl, named Rex Banter and Cynthia Davis ]

Narrator V/O: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children —

[ the bears swarm in for the kill ]

Narrator V/O: And they were quickly eaten — by bears.

Jingle: “Bear City. Bear, Bear City.”

Narrator V/O: Tonight: “Buying a Pack of Smokes.”

[ fade up on the exterior of a Chevron gas station, as a Bear in a busniess suit parks his SUV, activates the alarm, and approaches the convenience counter. The Bear grunts at a second bear who’s leaving the counter. ]

[ the coutner is manned by a Panda Bear, who acknowledges the Bear’s growl by facing the cigarette wall ]

[ the Bear is displeased; the Panda Bear has pointed to the wrong brand of cigarettes. The Bear growls his request again; the Panda Bear still gets it wrong, and the two argue the matter for quite some time – often with arms surrendered in the air – until the Panda Bear finally grabs the correct brand of cigarettes. ]

[ the Bear grabs his pack of cigarettes and pays for them, then gives the Panda Bear a dirty look before exiting the convenience area. The Panda Bear looks at the camera to acknowledge that he thinks the Bear is an idiot, too. ]

Narrator V/O: Thanks for visiting Bear City.

[ dissolve to title card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Cheapkids.net

Paul….Seth Meyers
Paul’s wife….Amy Poehler
Gary B. Anthony….Chris Parnell

[Opens with an attractive yuppie couple elegantly dressed in expensive skiing gear. They are standing on a snow covered hill. Ski lifts are behind them.]

Paul: We’re pretty well off financially but we also have a fairly expensive lifestyle and frankly maintaining that lifestyle is important to us.

Wife: That’s why when Paul and I decided to have kids we made ourselves a promise….we’re not gonna spend a lot of money raising them.

[Cut to a man in a suit. He’s in a good mood]

Gary B. Anthony: Who says you have to?

Caption: Gary B. Anthony. CEO cheapkids.net

Gary B. Anthony: Hello, I’m Gary B. Anthony. And if you’re spending more than 5% of your disposable income feeding, clothing and caring for your children you are literally throwing your money away. That’s why I created cheapkids.net. We search the world to bring you incredible savings. Like this children’s car safety seats.

Caption: Children’s car safety seats. Price: $2.19

[Car safety seat is made out of wood, safety belt is a string of rope, seat is a flimsy cushion]

Our Nigerian suppliers calls this “factory seconds” but we can’t tell the difference and we doubt your child will either. And from the Czech Republic, these semi-flame retardant infant’s pajamas—

[3 pajamas on display]

Caption: Infant Pajamas. Price: 3 for 99 cents.

–also factory seconds, 3 for 99 cents. And if you’re always losing binkies, you’ll appreciate this assortment of over 400 pre-owned pacifiers and teething rings from our associates in Haiti.

[Cut to box filled with used pacifiers. They are thrown in the box]

Caption: Pre-owned pacifiers. Price: $1.49 per box.

[Cut to swanky apartment. Paul and his wife are surfing the net on their laptop. Their baby is on the floor in the back. The baby coos and plugs a power drill to the electrical socket on the wall]

Paul: Great. I just saved us $600.

Wife: [laughs] That’s a day of snorkeling in St. Lucia.

[They laugh and high-five each other. We can hear the power drill whirring.]

[cut to Gary]

Gary B. Anthony: cheapkids.net. Because when it comes to your children, why pay more?

Caption: cheapkids.net. When it comes to your children, why pay more?

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Cheapkids.net II

Paul….Seth Meyers
Paul’s wife….Amy Poehler
Gary B. Anthony….Chris Parnell

Announcer: Now an important message from [Gary’s voice] cheapkids.net.

[Opens with the yuppie couple sitting on chaise lounge chairs on the beach taking a little sun. A waiter brings them drinks. Their two children are playing in the sand and their skin is red-hot from too much sun.]

Paul: We love to encourage our children to read but with children’s books costing $10 to $15 each, its just not worth it.

[Cut to Gary]

Gary B. Anthony: I couldn’t agree more.

Caption: Gary B. Anthony. CEO cheapkids.net

Gary B. Anthony: But what about a beloved children’s classic beautifully illustrated, educational and only 8 cents? Why 8 cents? This edition of “Baby’s first speller”[Cover of the book] due to a typesetting malfunction and some sloppy proofreading is literally riddled with spelling errors but, come on, 8 cents!

[Book is on the letters B and C. Batt= bat, Bpd=bed, Bul=bull. Catt=cat, Cpu= cup, C!5q]

Gary B. Anthony: You see, at cheapkids.net we’re about one thing—saving you money.

[Paul and his wife are on a plane flying First Class. Champagne is served to them.]

Wife: Should I go back to Coach and check on them?

[Paul lowers his expensive shades and looks at her]

Paul: You were just back there 2 hours ago. They’re fine.

[Camera pans to the curtain separating First Class from Coach. We can hear the children crying.]

Child’s Voice: Mommy!

Gary B. Anthony: cheapkids.net. Because when it comes to your children, why pay more?

Caption: Cheapkids.net. When it comes to your children, why pay more?

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Exclusive Connections

Hostess…..Paris Hilton
Trixie…..Amy Poehler
Christy…..Tina Fey
Warren Grabowski…..Fred Armisen
Candy…..Maya Rudolph
Trekkie…..Horatio Sanz
Lexis…..Rachel Dratch
Hobbit…..Seth Meyers

Hostess: [sultry voice] Hey boys, feeling lonely tonight? Wanna chat with some of the most beautiful women in the world? At Exclusive Connections [title: “Exclusive Connections”], we know what kind of guy is calling a sex line at three in the morning [title fades], and we know exactly what turns you on. This is Trixie. [shot widens to include a woman wearing a pointy blue wizard’s hat and matching cape] She’s a Level 8 Dungeon Master, ready to serve all your D&D fantasies.

Trixie: [sultry voice] What’s that baby? You’re a Level 5 Chaotic Evil Half-Orc? Oh, that makes me so hot. I’m a Lawful Neutral Druidic Monk with +5 melee range, Boots of Levitation, and a big, sharp Vorpal Sword. I want you to cast a saving throw, baby! Roll your twelve-sided die and cast it! Cast it!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Mmmmm…that sounds sexy. But that’s not all. If D&D’s not your thing, and you’d rather be in a galaxy far, far away, this here’s Christy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Princess Leia at the beginning of A New Hope] She just got back from a trip to Dagobah, and boy is she lonely.

Christy: [sultry voice] So, what’s your name?

[screen splits to show a man wearing thick-rimmed glasses and a Star Wars tee-shirt, on the other end of the line]

Warren: Warren Grabowski.

Christy: [sultry voice] Help me, Warren Grabowski, you’re my only hope.

Warren: I like that. Tell me I’m a nerf herder!

Christy: [sultry voice] You know what you are, Warren? You’re a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.

Warren: [rapturously] Oh, God, yes!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Say hello to Candy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Uhura from Star Trek] She just got her massage license on Rigel VII, and she wants to go where no man has gone before.

Candy: [sultry voice] You know what time it is, baby? It’s the Vulcan mating season of Pon Farr. Much like the eel-birds of Regulus V, if I don’t find a mate, I’ll die.

[screen splits to show an overweight man wearing glasses and a yellow Star Trek uniform, on the other end of the line]

Trekkie: I’m giving myself the Vulcan Nerve Pinch right now. [displays hand with index and middle fingers splayed apart from ring and pinky, and moves his hand below his waist] Oooooh!

Candy: [sultry voice] Oooh, yeah, I like that. I wanna do something logical to you, baby.

Trekkie: Oh, that’s nice!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Still haven’t found what you’re looking for? Why don’t you take a trip around the Misty Mountains to the Gap of Rohan, all the way to Rivendell, to meet our very own Elven princess, Lexis. [shot widens to show a woman with fake Elven ears and a diadem on her forehead]

Lexis: [sultry voice] You’ve been a bad Hobbit, haven’t you?

[screen splits to show a man wearing a grey cloak fastened by a leaf-shaped clasp, rocking vigorously in a chair, on the other end of the line]

Hobbit: I have been a bad Hobbit, yes.

Lexis: [sultry voice] Well, bad Hobbits get sent to Mordor.

Hobbit: But I want to go back to the Shire. Take me back to Eriador.

Lexis: [sultry voice] Oh, you’re going to Mordor, all right. First we’re going all the way to Minas Morgul.

Hobbit: Okay, that’s good.

Lexis: [sultry voice] We’re going to take the long way around the plateau of Golgoroth.

Hobbit: Okay, I can’t take it!

Lexis: [sultry voice] Then we’re going right to the tippy-top of Barad-Dûr.

Hobbit: Yes!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Operators are standing by. Who knows, one of them might be me. Does Doctor Who turn you on, baby? Well, I’m getting into my TARDIS right now. [shot widens to show other operators behind her: a Stormtrooper, a woman with green hair and skin, and a leather-clad woman with white hair and red skin] Oooh, I better put on my big, floppy hat and scarf. [she puts on these garments] I hope I don’t find any Daleks here. Are you a Dalek, baby? Do you want to exterminate me? Call today.

[flashing title: “1-800-555-0199”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Goodnights

…..Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton: Thanks to Keane. I want to thank the cast and crew, I had a wonderful time tonight, and.. have a fun Superbowl Sunday!

[ Kenan Thompson holds up a sign that reads: “Happy Birthday, Parn-sy!” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

American Idol

Simon Cowell….Chris Parnell
Paula Abdul….Amy Poehler
Randy Jackson….Kenan Thompson
Blond Contestant….Maya Rudolph
Fat Lady Constestant….Horatio Sanz
Torso Contestant….Will Forte
Qrplt*xk….Rachel Dratch

[American Idol Montage. A blond girl tries singing a Carole King song]

Blond Contestant:[sings off-key]I feel the earth move under my feet, I feel the sky tumbling down, tumbling down…my heart starts trembling whenever you’re around…oh lady when you hear me….

[Simon, Randy and Paula look at her from the judges chairs]

Simon Cowell: [British accent]How do you think you did?

Blond Contestant: [surprisingly sincere] Not too shabby.

[Cut to Simon]

Simon Cowell: We have got some of the worst people I have ever seen. Not just the singing. Just awful, awful people.

[A fat lady in an ugly green t-shirt with one tooth mangles Jeniffer Lopez’s hit “Jenny from the block”]

Fat Lady Contestant: [sings horribly] Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the block, don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny, Jenny, Jenny from the block[the judges look in horror] and a little, got a little for what you’re not, I’m still, i’m still, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny from the block. Block, diddy, rock, bop, bop, bop, bop. Oh, and I got my rocks. Yeah!

Simon Cowell: You’re not serious are you?

Randy Jackson: Dawg, come on. You’re goofin’ on us, dawg.

Fat Lady Contestant: I’m not goofin’ on no one Randy. I’m gonna be a star.

Paula Abdul: Honey, you really think you can sing?

Fat Lady Contestant: I know I can sing. Everybody I know says so!

Simon Cowell: Well get yourself a new everybody you know. Look the point is you’re horrible, your look, your talent.

Randy Jackson: I mean, the whole one-tooth thing, dawg. It just don’t work.

Fat Lady Contestant: [bitchy attitude] Well, let me tell you something! I got more talent in my one-tooth than you have in your whole face! And I ahve one thing that you’ll never have—personality and heart.

Simon Cowell: Ok, see you’re just copying William Hung.

Fat Lady Contestant: William who?

Simon Cowell: Please, go away.

Fat Lady Contestant: You go away!

Paula Abdul: What?

Fat Lady Contestant: Can I do another song?

All: No!

[Cut to Randy]

Randy Jackson: William Hung got a record deal. And now there’s a room full of people waiting to be William Hung, dawg. They know they bad, dawg.

[Cut to Paula]

Paula Abdul: Its getting annoying. I mean, if I wanted to see someone with no hope of entertaining anybody, I would get up there myself.

[cut to Simon]

Simon Cowell: I think the ones at the end of the day were the worst.

[Cut to a torso of a man wearing a turban singing an unrecognizable song]

Torso Contestant: [sings like crap] On the wings of love and above the clouds the only place to fly-y-y-y….

Randy Jackson: Ok, all right, dawg. Ok, no more.

Torso Contestant: What?!

Simon Cowell: You’re a torso.

Torso Contestant: You’re a torso!

Simon Cowell: You’re not an idol.

Paula Abdul: Darling, you don’t have a lower body.

Torso Contestant: You don’t have a lower body!

[cut to Randy]

Randy Jackson: Dawg, there was maybe one person that I think maybe wasn’t putting us on. Dawg.

[cut to mutant creature Qrplt*xk with a baby’s arm coming out of her skull, huge teeth, spit drooling goo. She’s mangling Dolly Parton’s song “I’ll always love you”]

Qrplt*xk: [almost mumbles singing] And I will always love you-u-u-u-u, I will always love you-u-u-u-u……

Simon Cowell: Ok, stop, stop.[Qrplt*xk drools heavily]The arm on your head.

Qrplt*xk: [points to it]This one?

Simon Cowell: Yes, that arm.[more disgusting drooling]Do you really believe you’re idol material?[more drooling]

Randy Jackson: I mean, there’s something there, dawg.

Simon Cowell: You’re going to Hollywood.

[Qrplt*xk drools a big, slimy gob between her hideous teeth]

Qrplt*xk: Live from New York! Its Saturday Night!

[Saturday Night Live montage]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute

Woman…..Paris Hilton
Marcus…..Kenan Thompson
Rafael Alonzo…..Fred Armisen
Man #1…..Finesse Mitchell
Man #2…..Rob Riggle
Russian Woman…..Maya Rudolph

[open on interior of a diner]

Woman: Put your wallet away, Marcus. This time, I’m going to buy lunch. [pulls a purse full of money from under the table]

Marcus: Since when do you have so much money?

Woman: Since I got hired by a top-of-the-line company for my computer skills.

Marcus: When did you learn computer skills?

Woman: At Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute. Now I have a career.

Rafael: Do you want to get a high-paying job? Do you want to be qualified? Then you have to learn computers! [wipe to exterior of Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute, voice over continues] At the I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute you will learn all the things necessary to make it in the business world. [dissolve to interior, with Rafael Alonzo on screen with two male students at terminals] At I.T.F., you will learn everything about computers. Things like: [listed items appear on screen as titles] Computer Skills, Computer Screens, Computer Fixing, How to do Computers, Computer Typing Using a Computer Keyboard, Computer Maintenance, Computer Password, Printer, Computer E-Mail, Mouse, Learning About the Computer.

[dissolve to Russian woman sitting at terminal]

Russian Woman: I’m from Russia. I did not learn computers until I am here. Now I’m having so many jobs. Thank you, I.T.F. [makes “okay” sign with fingers]

Rafael: You have to learn computers! At I.T.F., you will learn computer things, like: [listed items appear on screen as titles] Computer Wires, Computer Screensavers, Where to Put the Computer, Web, Computer Desks, Computer Downloading, Font, Computer Speakers, Carrying the Computer, Computer Classes, Computer Boxes.

Woman: All my jobs used to pay me little to no money. Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Institute changed all that. Now the bosses are paying me constantly. I can buy anything: lunches, dresses, gloves, earrings, purses, you name it.

Rafael: You have to learn computers!

[everyone seen in the commercial now appears in the diner]

All: We all did!

Russian Woman: We all did! [a beat after all others]

[wipe to exterior of Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Computer Institute with title: “1-800-555-0199”]

Rafael: [voice over] Call 1-800-555-0199. Rafael Alonzo’s I.T.F. Technical Institute does not have a website.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Merv the Perv

Mervin Watson….Chris Parnell
Debbie Sterling….Paris Hilton
Trent Worthington….Seth Meyers
Girl 1….Amy Poehler
Girl 2….Maya Rudolph
Girl 3….Rachel Dratch

[Opens with the Germantown High School at night. A bannersays “Welcome Class of 1985. 20Th Reunion. Music plays.Cut to inside the dance hall three girlfriends share a drinkand talk.]

Girl 2: Wow, its weird seeing everyone again.

Girl 1: Did you guys see Mr. Johnson? He’s all bald and wrinkly.

[Mervin Watson appears in his suit and tie]

Mervin Watson: Hey, if bald and wrinkly is your thing, youmight wanna check out my Mr. Johnson.

Girl 3: Ugh, I can’t believe it. Its Mervin Watson.

Mervin Watson: That’s Merv “The Perv”.[points]

[Cut to a montage of Mervin dancing on an over sizedanimated cartoon’s shoulder, jumping down her cleavageand popping out of her skirt. He shrugs and we see some ofMerv’s horny faces.]

Jingle:[Mervin sings] I’m talking love, its a crazyroller-coaster ri-i-i-i-i-ide. I’m saying love, you knowit comes from deep insi-i-i-ide. And now we’re livingand laughing and learning what is truly Merv “ThePerv”. That’s Merv “The Perv”.

[Back to dance hall]

Mervin Watson: So ladies, has it been 20 years? It seemslike just yesterday I was hanging in the parking lot tryingto get a cheerleader to make out with me. Oh, wait. It was yesterday.

Girl 1: Ugh. Its hard to believe that you almost went to the prom with Debbie Sterling.

Girl 2: Oh, I almost forgot about that.

[Cut to Germantown High School 20 years ago. 1985. Cut to ahallway. “Oh, yeah” plays. The 3 girls in thereunion are wearing 80’s hairstyles and clothes. A hotblondie in a cheerleader’s uniform comes out and joinsthe girls in the hallway.]

Debbie Sterling: Oh, my God, you guys. The prom is like intwo weeks and I still don’t have a date.

Girl 3: I thought you were going with Zack McCord.

Debbie Sterling: I was. But now he says he’s going tothat Queen concert. He sure loves Freddy Mercury.

Girl 1: Who could blame him? That mustache, those capes—what a hunk.

Girl 2: So who are you going with?

Debbie Sterling: I was thinking either TrentWorthington[cut to Trent all American boy good looks] orMerv “The Perv” Watson.[Merv has a perm, aGhostbusters t-shirt, red shorts and is licking a Flashdanceposter with Jeniffer Beals on it.]

Girl 1: Merv “The Perv”? He’s gross.

Debbie Sterling: Yeah, but his dad has a Porsche.

Girl 3: Well, how are you going to decide?

Debbie Sterling: Trent, Merv, could I ask you guys some questions?

Mervin Watson: No need. I already got your answers. Never.3 inches. Tyne Daly on a boat. And with my finger.

Debbie Sterling: What? Anyway, I’m serious. If we wentout to the prom together, what would our night be like?

Trent Worthington: Well, I’d pick you up. Give you adozen roses. Take you to a fancy dinner at Benihana. Then wego to the prom and dance all night long.

Debbie Sterling: Oh, that’s so sweet. Merv?

Mervin Watson: Well, I’d pick you up in my dad’sPorsche. We romantically peruse my stash of dirty magazines.I’d take off my pants when you weren’t looking thenI’d try to grab your booby.

Debbie Sterling: Wow, this decision is gonna be harder than I thought.

Mervin Watson: I’ll tell you what’s not gonna be harder than you thought.

Girl 3: If you keep talking like that I’m gonna getMrs. Kwang over here and have you expelled.

Mervin Watson: Hey, if you get vice-principal Kwang overhere the only thing that’s gonna get expelled is about half and ounce of Merv’s juice.

Girl 1: Ugh. Real mature, Merv.

Mervin Watson: More like premature but I recover quickly.

Debbie Sterling: Guys, cut it out! I’m trying to decide who I’m going to the prom with!

Girl 3: What’s to decide? [to Trent]He’s a dreamboat[to Merv] and he’s a nightmare.

Mervin Watson: I had an nightmare once. I was on a boatwith Loretta Swit and I couldn’t get my pants off.

Debbie Sterling: Ok, guys. I’m serious. I like to takeout guys who are well rounded. What sports do you play?

Trent Worthington: Uh, you know, soccer, track and uh, football.

Mervin Watson: I’m looking to play a little handball. Your hands, my ball. Who’s in?

Debbie Sterling: Do you do any other school activities?

Trent Worthington: Well, I played the lead in the school’s production of “Damn Yankees”.

Mervin Watson: I’m currently playing the lead in my ownproduction of “Ma’am Yank me” Please? Anybody? Yank me?

Debbie Sterling: Ok, I’ve made my decision. Trent,you’re superhot, you’re star of the football teamand you’re an amazing actor. And Merv, you’re adisgusting pervert and I’m pretty sure you’ve beentouching yourself this entire time I’ve been talking to you.

Mervin Watson: Guilty as charged, Mon Cherie.

Debbie Sterling: I’m gonna pick Trent.

Trent Worthington: Oh, awesome!

Girl 2: Thank God.

Girl 3: Yeah, good choice.

Mervin Watson: All right, fine. I get it. You don’twant to go to prom with me. But don’t you think thatjust because you didn’t pick me I won’t be there. Iwill be there. And I’ll be hiding in the ladies roomwith my brand new, tiny portable camera.[lifts up a hugeportable camera from the 80’s] But for now I bid youfarewell as I will be taking off….my pants.[Merv rips hisshorts off revealing a tight purple Speedo]

All: Aww, Merv!

Mervin Watson: That’s Merv “The Perv”.

Jingle: That’s Merv “The Perv”.

Mervin Watson:[sings Wang Chung’s hit]Everybody chungwang tonight…[thumbs up]

Caption: Based on the comedy of Mervin Watson.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

The Expensive Purse

Salesman……Chris Parnell
Porscha…….Paris Hilton
Dustin…….Seth Meyers
Starkeesha…..Finesse Mitchell
Malik……Kenan Thompson

[ open on Salesman talking on the phone ]

Salesman: I know! Exactly. And they are never as big as they seem like they’re going — [ sees Dustin and Porscha enter ] I have to go. Smooch. [ hangs up ] Yes? Can I help you?

Dustin: Yeah, I guess my girlfriend’s having some sort of purse emergency.

Porscha: Don’t start with me, Dustin.

Dustin: Yeah, but you already have a purse.

Porscha: You just don’t understand purse shoppin’! Can I see that one? Oh this is so gorgeous! I love the double buckle.

[ Starkeesha and her boyfriend, Malik, are also in the store ]

Malik: Yo why you had to test all the perfume on my wrists?

Starkeesha: Shut up, Malik! I’m purse shopping. [ glances at the purse Porscha is looking at ] Ooh, look at this purse!

Porscha: Oh actually, I’m looking at that one.

Starkeesha: Excuse me, sales associate, can you tell me more about this Louis Vinton purse, please?

Porscha: It’s mine, honey.

Starkeesha: And your point is?

Porscha: My point is you need to back up out of my shopping space!

Starkeesha: What? No, what?!

Malik: Starkeesha!

Starkeesha: What?!

Malik: Let’s go, man. I feel like people are looking at me.

Starkeesha: Well, put the shirt back, then!

[Malik throws shirt at counter and walks away]

Salesman: Um, this is from his spring collection. I really love the cross-stitching.

Porscha: Oh, it’s exquisite!

Starkeesha: [pushes Porscha’s face away] Oh, it is exquisite. This is probably the best cross-stitching I’ve seen this season.

Salesman: Uh, the exterior is all ostrich, and the interior is calf.

Porscha: Oh, I love ostrich.

Starkeesha: I love ostrich.

Porscha: I loved the ostrich first!

Both: I’ll take it!

Porscha: Oh no you didn’t!

Starkeesha: Oh yes I did!

Porscha: Oh no you didn’t!

Starkeesha: Oh yes I did!

Porscha: Oh, yes you did.

Starkeesha: Oh no I didn’t!

Porscha: Oh! You didn’t? Great, I’ll take the purse.

Starkeesha: [confused] Wait a minute, wait a minute. What just happened?

[Malik runs into view]

Malik: Yo you just got Bugs-Bunnied!

Starkeesha: Get, get out! [pushes Malik away]

Porscha: So, how much is it?

Salesman: It’s three.

Porscha: Will you take a check?

Salesman: Yes, with proper ID.

Starkeesha: Oh well, wait a minute. Will you take Triple A?

Salesman: No.

Starkeesha: [calls Malik]

Malik: Business or pleasure?

Starkeesha: Business, if you ever wanna get some pleasure again. Give me three hundred dollars.

Malik: I ain’t got three hundred dollars.

Starkeesha: You are so stupid! I hate you! Remind me to break up with you later!

Malik: Yeah, I will do that!

[both hang up and glare at each other, standing three feet away]

Starkeesha: [sighs] You know what, girl? Since you over here begging for this purse, and I already have this purse in a different ostrich, you can take it.

Porscha: I guess your broke-ass can’t afford it.

Starkeesha: See, I tried to be nice, see.

Porscha: Here you go, clerk, three hundred dollars.

Salesman: Um, it’s three thousand dollars.

Porscha: Say WHAT?! Three thousand WHAT?!

Starkeesha: Oh damn! How many ostriches did ya’ll use? I don’t believe that! Uh, go on and write that check for three thousand dollars, girl.

Porscha: You know what? I can totally do it if I wanted to, but come to think of it, I’d like to see the purse in a smaller version.

Starkeesha: Uh, you know what, uh, me too.

Salesman: All right. [takes out another purse] Well, this one is fifteen hundred.

Starkeesha and Porscha: [look at each other] Smaller.

Salesman: [takes out another purse] This one is nine hundred.

Starkeesha and Porscha: Smaller.

Porscha: How about a sunglass case?

Starkeesha: How about a luggage tag?

Salesman: [takes out smallest purse] This is for contact lenses. It goes for two.

Porscha: Now when you say two..

Starkeesha: You mean too damn small.

Salesman: It’s two hundred dollars.

Porscha: Mmm, lemme ask me boyfriend. [yells] DUSTIN!

Starkeesha: Malik!

[Dustin and Malik walk over]

Dustin: Yeah?

Porscha: Give me two hundred dollars for this contact lens case.

Dustin: [takes out wallet] Okay, let me check, checking, checking, checking, no.

Starkeesha: Malik. Give me two hundred dollars.

Malik: Oh okay, let me check. Checkin’, checkin’, checkin’. I ain’t got it. But I do have this Totes umbrella.

Starkeesha: You are so ignorant, stop stealin’! [takes umbrella and hits Malik with it]

Salesman: I get the distinct feeling you ladies won’t be buying anything today.

Starkeesha: Oh no you did not just get an attitude with us.

Porscha: Oh he so got an attitude with us.

Starkeesha: You can’t talk to me and my friend – what’s your name, girl?

Porscha: Porscha.

Starkeesha: You can’t talk to me and my friend Porscha like that. We are outta here!

Porscha: [sighs] You know?

Starkeesha: What?

Porscha: I know where I can get this purse and matching jacket for twenty bucks.

Starkeesha and Porscha: Chinatown!

Porscha: [to salesman] Good day, rude person.

Starkeesha: Good day, ’cause we won’t buy your purses ’til you bring your prices down, so me and my friend Porscha, are going to Chinatown!

[Starkeesha, Porscha, Malik, and Dustin dance out the doorway]

Submitted by: Doro

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 11

04k: Paris Hilton / Keane

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Tina Fey
…..Amy Poehler
Donovan McNabb…..Finesse Mitchell
Charline McNabb…..Kenan Thompson
Little Man…..Fred Armisen
Daffodil…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

In his State of the Union address Wednesday, President Bush announced an initiative to help keep young people out of gangs. A new program called “Do Right And Follow Through.” [initials spelled out on screen]

Amy Poehler: Before delivering his State of the Union address, President Bush spent a few moments greeting members of Congress.

Amy Poehler V/O: “Senator…hello Senator…hello Senator…hello…”

[President Bush firmly shakes a black man’s hand]

“Yo, whazzup homes’, how you doin, brotha?”

Tina Fey: An estimated eight million Iraqis voted in Sunday’s election, and though the vote counting has yet to be completed, exit polls seem to indicate that the big winner is—wow, I did not expect this—Don Cheadle, for Hotel Rwanda! Congratulations, Don.

Amy Poehler: This week, the judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, while Jackson himself has selected twenty for the kiddie pool. [applause]

This week, after interviewing Michael Jackson, Geraldo Rivera announced that he believes Jackson was framed, and said he’d shave off his moustache if Jackson were convicted, which makes me think Geraldo was already planning to shave his moustache.

You should be careful what you say, Geraldo. It could come back to haunt you. If anyone knows that, it’s me. Take a look.

Amy Poehler: And let me tell you something, if Scott Peterson’s convicted, I’ll shave my moustache! [applause]

Tina Fey: As everyone knows, tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday. Here to comment is Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, and his mom, star of the Chunky Soup commercials, Charline McNabb.

[pan to Donovan and Charline; applause]

Charline McNabb: Whoo! Evening, babies!

Donovan McNabb: What’s up?

Charline McNabb: I brought you some soup. Here, eat up, Miss Tina.

Tina Fey: Ah!

Charline McNabb: Chicken and rice is what you need. You are too skinny!

Tina Fey: Thank you, Mrs. McNabb. [tries a spoonful of the soup] Uh, this is ice cold.

Charline McNabb: Well, I ain’t gon’ cook it!

Donovan McNabb: Settle down, Mama, you gonna embarrass me.

Charline McNabb: Shoot, I’m a star, baby! I’m the best thing to happen to Campbell’s Soup since Andy Warhol. Whoo! McNabb!

Tina Fey: So- so Donovan, you’re finally playing in the Super Bowl tomorrow, but maybe without Terrell Owens. Uh, how do you feel about your chances?

Donovan McNabb: Oh, I feel great. We were a good team before Terrell, and we’ll be a good team without him.

Tina Fey: Mrs. McNabb, do you agree?

Charline McNabb: Hell no!

Donovan McNabb: Mama!

Charline McNabb: My baby is gonna get his ass whooped by the Patriots! [applause] They gon’ sack you. They gonna intercept you, physically beat you down. Pain! I mean, they are gonna knock you around, probably knock out a tooth, bust up your foot. I mean, you can run around all you want, but they gon’ catch you! And when they do, it is gonna hurt. Aww, damn!

Donovan McNabb: All due respect to my mama here, but I think we have a great chance tomorrow.

Charline McNabb: Donovan F. McNabb, did you see what those boys did to Peyton Manning? They tore his ass up! And you ain’t no Peyton Manning. Whoo-hoo, you gon’ be crying like that time I found you wearin’ my church clothes. [applause; Donovan gives his mother a dirty look] And you ain’t no Tom Brady neither. Boy, that boy is fine, I’m puttin’ my money with him!

Tina Fey: W- wait, you- you’re betting on the Patriots?

Charline McNabb: That’s right! I like my son, but I love my money. Patriots 35, Eagles 10, take my word. Now come on, baby, let’s go cheer you up with some tomato bisque.

Tina Fey: Aww. Donovan McNabb and his mother, everybody! [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: According to reports, President Bush and John Kerry have a combined 23 million dollars left over from the 2004 presidential campaign, while Ralph Nader recently discovered some old gum in his hair.

Tina Fey: The Reverend Al Sharpton is teaming up with PETA to urge a boycott of KFC. PETA wants the fast food chain to improve standards of treatment for their poultry, while the Reverend simply prefers Popeye’s.

A man identified as an NYU professor was detained at LaGuardia Airport Thursday after human remains were found in his luggage. However, he was let go when he told authorities the body parts were “teaching tools.” Said the professor, “Teach that bitch to cheat on me.”

Amy Poehler: Insiders say that this year’s Super Bowl ads will not be as crass as last years, though I have it on good authority that halftime performer Paul McCartney’s gonna whip his dong out. [cheers and applause] That’s what I hear.

Tina Fey: This week, President Bush announced that he will—

[loud giggling is heard in the studio]

Did- did you hear that?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, what is that?

[more giggling; Tina and Amy notice something in front of them and gasp]

Tina Fey: Look!

[two little people jump onto the desk, accompanied by magical piano music. As the man begins to sing, the woman dances along with him]

Little man:
Weeeeeee- declare this a very good “Update,”
And it is fitful, we decree,
“This broadcast is hilarious,
As good as good can be!”

Amy Poehler: Oh! [she applauds]

Tina Fey: I’ve heard about these little guys. Legend has it that they have lived under the “Update” desk for almost thirty years!

[another piano intro; the little man begins to sing]

Little man: Weeeeeee—

Daffodil: [in a high-pitched voice]
Are very pleased to meet you!
It’s an honor just to greet you!
And now I’d like to treat you
To these flowers filled with sweet dew!

Tina Fey: Aww! Thank you! [both pick up the flowers]

Amy Poehler: Thank you! A little tiny flower! So Tina, these guys have been here since 1975?

Tina Fey: Yeah! I heard they crawled out of Elliott Gould’s moustache, and they’ve been here ever since.

[another piano intro]

Daffodil:
Look at all the people!
I’m sure you all agree

Little man:
Let it be known throughout the land
That this is the most definitively, undoubtedly,

Both: [spinning in a circle] Indubitably, irrefutably, indisputab—

Daffodil: Whaa—! [falls off the desk. The music continues to play]

Little man: Wait! Wait, wait! She really fell, she really fell! Stop the music! Stop the music. [begins to cry] Daffodil! Oh my God, she’s really hurt! Oh, no. Audience, we need your help! Only one thing can bring her back. Everyone, repeat after me: “I believe in magic!”

Tina, Amy, Audience: I believe in magic.

Little man: Oh, it’s working… “I believe in love!”

All: I believe in love.

Little man: Now everybody, snap your fingers. [Tina and Amy snap their fingers with the audience] Oh, it’s wonderful. Wiggle your ears! [Tina and Amy wiggle their ears] Now ladies, just the ladies, shake like this. [He wiggles his chest. Tina and Amy begin to shake like him] Really get ‘em going!

Tina Fey: Wait a minute!

Amy Poehler: What?

Tina Fey: That’s not–

Little man: I’m telling you, it’s the only thing that’s going to save poor Daffodil. Now everyone, I need you to rub your privates like so—

Tina Fey: Oh, come on!

Amy Poehler: Get outta here, little guy! [both push the man off the desk]

Tina Fey: The little people from Elliott Gould’s moustache, everybody! [cheers and applause] That’s disgracious.

Amy Poehler: The Canadian government formally introduced a bill to legalize same-sex marriage, at which point the bill insisted on being called “William.”

The town of Mink, Louisiana finally got telephone service for the first time ever this week, which means I can fa- finally call my grandpa! [pulls out a telephone from underneath the desk] OK… [dials the number] Oh, it’s ringing! Oh wait, he picked up… [into the phone] I’m gonna kill you. I know where you live, and I’m gonna kill you. [hangs up the phone] I love talkin’ to my grandpa!

Tina Fey: At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, for- as man and wife. Hopefully music.

As we mentioned earlier, this Sunday is Super Bowl XXXIX, between the Philadelphia Eagles of my hometown, and the New England Patriots—

Amy Poehler: Of my hometown—[some audience cheers] Yeah, that’s right. Of my hometown, Burlington, New England.

Tina Fey: So we thought it would be fun to have a little Hometown Fans Point/Counterpoint.

[display “Point/Counterpoint” graphic; dramatic music]

Amy has elected to go first.

Amy Poehler: Thank you Tina. [in Boston accent] If you think your Eagles are any match for our top-notch New England Patriots, you’re a moron.

Tina Fey: [in Philadelphia accent] OK, don’t even start, alright, ‘cause everybody known New England people are a bunch of losers. Youse went down there losers, and you’re going home losers.

Amy Poehler: Alright, you know what? Give me a break, we’re unstoppable. It’s our year, first the Red Sox, now the Super Bowl. OK, you can go cry in a pile of Philly cheese steaks, and watch that gay movie they named after your city.

Tina Fey: OK, OK, rebuttal. First of all, your whole city smells like baked bean farts. Second of all, how do youse even have time to go to the Super Bowl? Aren’t you too busy gettin’ molested by priests and cryin’ about it?

Amy Poehler: Good point. Point well taken, but let me just say this: your mother’s a whore and your father holds the money!

Tina Fey: You dirtbag!

[Tina and Amy wrestle each other to the ground. Display graphic again. Applause]

Don Pardo V/O: This has been “Hometown Fans Point/Counterpoint.”

Tina Fey: And finally tonight, a Swiss beer company has launched a new drink aimed at homosexuals, called “Queer Beer.” They hope it will sell better than “Mike’s Hard Bi-Curious Lemonade.”

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy dance along to the music; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts