Category: 2006

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

CBS Cares

Written by: Bryan Tucker

Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis

[FADE IN on a sound studio as Julia walks in from the left and greets the director.]

Mike: Julia, hi. [shakes her hand]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hi.

Mike: Mike Underballs.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, hi!

Mike: I’m the director.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yes, Mr. Underballs, so nice to meet you.

Mike: Please, my dad’s Mr. Underballs. Call me Mike.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, okay.

Mike: First of all, thank you so much for doing this PSA.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, my pleasure.

Mike: Did you get a script?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, it looks great!

Mike: Okay, think we can do a take?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Absolutely, yeah.

Mike: [to crew] All right, guys, let’s go, people! CBS Cares, Julia Louis-Dreyfus… [walks to chair] Take one!

[Mike takes his seat while Julia clears her throat softly and a crew member positions the boom mike above her head.]

Mike: And… action!

[CUT to Julia as soft piano music rises.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.

[While she talks, the boom mike drops down into the shot just left of her head.]

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: All right, cut, cut, cut, cut. Okay, Julia, that was perfect.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks.

Mike: Unfortunately, we had a little boom in the shot.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Ooooh.

Mike: [to boom guy] Um… you on that, Jeff?

Jeff: [tightly] Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Mike, that’s my bad.

Mike: Okay, let’s, uh, get it right this time, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.

Mike: CBS C–CBS Cares…

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah.

Mike: Take two!

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little–oops!

[The boom mike drops down and bumps her in the forehead.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, dear. I think he hit me. I don’t…

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut…

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I dunno if you… wanna…

Mike: Jeff. What’s goin’ on, buddy? Everything okay?

Jeff: Sorry, Mike, that’s my fault. I’m a little fatigued in the upper body. I rocked the bejeezus out of my delta at the gym today.

Mike: Okay, just hang in there, okay?

Jeff: Yeah, no problem, Mike.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, God, tough to be the boom guy, right?

Jeff: [with an attitude] “Boom guy.” Yeah, I’ve got a name.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, sorry, I was just–

Mike: Okay, okay, let’s just get this done, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay.

Mike: CBS Cares… take three!

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, a little pre–vent–

[The boom drops down, hits her in the nose, and pokes around in her face.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [pushing away microphone] Whoops. Hey, hey! You gonna yell “cut,” or…

Mike: Whoa, whoa– Hey, hey, hey, c’mon!

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Cut! [losing patience] Jeff! What’s goin’ on, buddy?

Jeff: Oh, c’mon, Mike! She’s talkin’ so soft I gotta get in there. I mean… what’s the point of watchin’ TV if you can’t hear it, right?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I was speaking in my normal voice!

Jeff: Hey, Dreyfus? Butt out!! Immediately! Just stand there and look pretty, okay?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Excuse ME?!

Jeff: [struts away] Yeah.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Mike] What? Are you gonna say something here?

Mike: Okay, look, look, it’s been a long day, let’s just get this done, and we’ll all go home.

Jeff: I’m agreein’, I’m agreein’ with you, Mike.

Mike: Look, hey, hey. JEFF? If you can’t hold the mike above the frame, then… let’s give it a try under, okay, sound good?

Jeff: You’re the–you’re the director, man.

Mike: All right.

[Jeff repositions the boom down in front of Julia’s legs.]

Jeff: You want it up and under, I got no problem with that.

Mike: Okay, great. Thank you, thank you.

[Audience titters in anticipation.]

Jeff: [to Julia] You okay with that?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, I guess–

Jeff: Nobody cares.

[laughter]

Mike: Hey, c’mon. C’mon. Let’s just go, okay? [sighs deeply] Please. CBS Cares, take four.

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have the yearly mammogram.

[Jeff’s boom suddenly pops up and pokes her left breast.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Because–hey! Hey!

[She bats the mike away as Jeff keeps bumping her body with it.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Cut it out!

Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: C’mon!! What the hell–

Mike: [walks toward her] C’mon, c’mon…

Chorus: “CBS Caaaaaares.”

Mike: Okay, okay. We don’t need the jingle on every bad take! Okay?

[laughter]

Mike: JEFF? I’m gonna ask you one more time, man, what’s goin’ on?

Jeff: Well, she’s talkin’ about her boobs, Mike. Y’know, I thought it’d help if I point ’em out a little.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, good Lord.

Jeff: I HAVE GOOD IDEAS TOO, MIKE!!!

Mike: Okay, okay, Jeff, I need you to keep the mike completely out of the shot–otherwise, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

Jeff: Mm-hm.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you.

Mike: Think you can do that?

Jeff: Okay, Mike. I’m gonna do it as a favor to you.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, well, you know what, you should do it because it’s your job.

Jeff: Hey, Elaine?!

[laughter]

Jeff: If I wanted to hear from an ass, I’d fart!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay!

[laughter and applause]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Are you gonna handle this? Are you gonna handle this?

Mike: Let’s focus up! Let’s focus up!

Jeff: SHE’S PUSHING MY BUTTONS, MIKE!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: All right…

Jeff: BIG TIME!!

Mike: JEFF?! I need you to ignore her, okay?!

Jeff: Can do.

Mike: You’re doing a great job, by the way, Julia.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks. Okay, I only have one more take in me, all right? Then you can get Katie Couric, or something.

Jeff: Hey, fine with me, Mike!

Mike: Okay, okay, c’mon! Last take. CBS Cares, take five.

[music]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [fights for composure] If you are a woman over the age of 40, do the responsible thing and make sure you have a yearly mammogram. Because, hey: a little prevention just might save your life.

Mike: Cut! Great!

[CUT to a wider shot as the music stops before the jingle. Jeff has positioned the boom right in front of Julia’s crotch, and he is waving it up and down suggestively.]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No one can see this, right?

[laughter]

Mike: Nope! You look great!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Okay. [shoves the boom away] You know what, just get that away–get it away from me!

Jeff: What are you doing?

Mike: [rushes up between them] That’s a wrap, folks, we got it, we got it!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [to Jeff] You stay back from me!

Mike: You leave him alone!!

[ZOOM OUT over riotous cheers and applause.]

Mike: You leave him alone!!

[FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Monex

Monex Spokeperson….Kristen Wiig

[Opens with rich lady in a elegant,upscale room.]

Monex Spokeperson: Is there anything more satisfyingthat owning gold and holding it in your hands? [Camerasplits showing hands caressing gold coins. Stacks ofgold coins in the background] What? You mean, you’venever experienced it? Then call Monex now for thisinformative brochure and vhs tape that will show youhow you can invest in gold. [Gold coins splash aroundon mountains of golden coins. 1-800-555-0199 Book andtape. Why gold? Why now?] Did you know that in the past12 years the value of gold has gone up a little bit? [Abunch of gold coins weigh more than a stack of dollarsin a balance] I love touching gold. I would never dothis with mere paper money. [Lady caresses her facewith a gold coin. Kisses it.] “Guold” I love it. Thereis no better time to invest in gold than right aroundthe time that it is now. [Lady goes into a goldenliving room] Look around my living room. Every surfaceis covered in 100% real gold. [In a golden table aphoto of Goldie Hawn, a goldfish in a bowl, the ladydrinks a glass of orange juice] I’m not drinking gold.I wish. This is orange juice but the brand is FloridaGold. I guarantee you’ll spend hours caressing yourgold, [hands caressing gold coins] massaging yourgold, [hands massaging gold coins] washing your face in”guold” [lady splashes gold coins in her face likewater in slow motion] What time is it? Oh, I know. It’stime for you to call Monex and invest in”guold”. [1-800-555-0199. Coins splashing around] Calltoday and tomorrow you’ll be enjoying your “guold”,touching your “guold”, golding your gold “guold” [Ladyis ecstatic in a shower of gold coins] Well? Convinced?I think I made a really good case for “guold”.Speaking of gold case. [Lady picks up goldenbriefcase] I’m late for work. I work for gold. Ohh, Ibetter put this on. [Lady puts on a golden scarf] It’sgetting “gold” outside. [Monex logo, coins splasharound] Monex. “Guold”.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Goodnights

…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thanks to Snow Patrol! [ points to Chris Rock ] Chris Rock! And Lorne Michaels! And the cast.. of “SNL”! And the writers and producers.. of “SNL”! Adn everybody in the world! Yeah! Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Monologue

…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo!!! Thank you, thank you, very much! Hey, Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! [ audience cheers ] Oh man, it is SO nice to be back! I had a BLAST hosting last year, and — wow! Things have been going really, really wll for me. My show — “The New Adventures of Old Christine” — is a big, fat hit! [ audience aplauds ] Thank you! I won the Emmy, which is absolutely fantastic! [ audience applauds again ] Do we — do we have a clip? [ a beat ] Oh, I brought one! Oh, that’s great! Oh, then let’s watch it!

[ dissolve to clip from the Emmys — five Lead Actresses from a Comedy Series sit in wait of the results ]

Emmy Presenter: And the result: [ opens envelope ] Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

[ an excited Julia kisses husband Brad Hall as the crowd cheers [

[ return to Julia at Home Base ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Ohh, I could watch that a thousand times! [ audience laughs ] I have>! Of course, you know, uh — there is a downside to being in the spotlight again, because, with all this great peaise, comes criticism. You know, the media is everywhere. And they really want to make celebrities look bad. And celebrities are good people. Literally. Every single one of them. But, now, I’m living my life under a microscope. So, ladies and gentlemen, please don’t believe everything yo see. Because the media likes nothing more than distorting an innocent event until they make me — a person whom you know and love — look bad! I mean, for example, here I am at the Golden Globes:

[ card: “Actress — TV Series Musical or Comedy” ]

Golden Globes Presenter: And, now.. the Golden Globe goes to: [ opens card ] America Ferrera!

[ at her seat, a smiling Julia starts to stand until she realizes it wasn’t her name that was called. Nearby, America Ferrera beams with joy. ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Who the F–K is America Ferrera?!

[ America Ferrera walks toward the stage ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Hey! Felecity! [ cut to Felecity Huffman ] Check and see if she’s got her green card with her! [ Felicity frowns ] Am I right?! [ the man seated next to Julia claps for America Ferrera ] Don’t clap, you ass!

[ America Ferrera continue to make her way toward the stage ]

[ Julia throws up in her champagne, then swaps with the man seated next to her until she falls to the floor ]

[ return to Julia at Home Base ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: See? I mean, first of all, that was taken out of context. And, second of all, I was completely wasted! I mean, they can even make a nice woman, like that lovely Ann Coulter, look like a monster! These people JUST want celebrities to look BAD! Even coming here tonight, the vultures were out in FORCE! They really can’t wait to turn every move I make into something ugly!

[ show Julia’s limo arriving outside of 30 Rock. The crowds are excited to see her, the media have their cameras flashing. A smiling Julia spreads her legs to step out of the limo, revealing a red dot covering her massive pubic hair region. ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: What?

[ return to Julia at Home Base ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Wow. wow. You know what? Let me tell you something — it really is good to watch that, ’cause you realize: it’s just — it’s not as bad as people say!

We’ve got a great show! Snow Patrol is here! So stick around, e’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll

Robin Antin…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Announcer…..Bill Hader
Contestant 1…..Amy Poehler
Contestant 2…..Maya Rudolph
McKenzie Jazz…..Andy Samberg
Lil’ Kim…..Kenan Thompson
Contestant 3…..Kristen Wiig

(Super of “This Season” and then “New”)

Announcer: This Season on the new CW: Today’s hottest female group, The Pussy Cat Dolls, are searching for a brand new member.

(goes to contestant 3)

Contestant 3: (About to sob) I want this more than anything. (breaks sobbing, and then winks at the camera)

(goes to contestant 2)

Contestant 2: (sobbing) This is my dream.

(goes to contestant 1)

Contestant 1: This is literally the highest honor I can imagine.

(goes to different scenes of the contestants practicing)

Announcer: An exhaustive search to the nations dancers, singers, and pharmisutacal sales representatives, has come down to only the very best to these of these truly average women.

(goes to the judges)

Robin Antin: (cigarette in her mouth) We’re looking for a girl who most embodies what it truly means to be a (pauses and lights her cigarette) Pussy Cat Doll.

Announcer: Will they be up to the challenge (cuts to superior of “sort of sing”) to sort of sing?

(cuts to contestant 3)

Contestant 3: (singing) ayyaaayaayyyaaayaa!

(cuts to a superior of “Sort of Dance”)

Announcer: To sort of dance?

(cuts to contestant 1 dancing and panting very hard)

(cuts to superior of “Not Write Songs”)

Announcer: To not write songs?

(cuts to contestant 2, just staring blankly at the camera)

(cuts to superior of “Passably Attractive From A Distance”)

Announcer: To be passably attractive from a distance…

(cuts to superior of “Not Detract Attention From The Lead Singer”)

Announcer: but not detract attention from the lead singer? All wow- less standing weakly judging from people like this.

(cuts to the judges once again)

Robin Antin: Your kind of mildly entertaining performance is what this competition is all about. You remind me of myself back when I was 45.

McKenzie Jazz: That was totally passable, you’re on to the next round.

Lil’ Kim: Bitch, you’re worse than me. Nice work.

(cuts to the contestants all sobbing)

Contestant 2: Thank you so much.

Announcer: The search for the next doll.

Robin Antin: The point of this competition is to find America’s most talented and beautiful singers and dancers. (looks to the offstage crew members) Oh, it’s not?

Announcer: Only one will achieve the honor of being made one of seven girls whose names I don’t know, to stand behind the lead singer whose name I also don’t know. The Pussy Cat Dolls presents, The Search for the Next Doll, only on the CW.

(fades)

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 15

06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

SNL Special Report: Road to the White House

…..Chris Rock

 

[ open on graphic: “SNL Special Report Road to the White House” ]

Announcer: And now, a “Saturday Night Live” Special Report. Road to the White House. Here with his comments, is Chris Rock.

[ dissolve to Chris Rock seated at an executive desk, as the audience screams and cheers ]

Chris Rock: Good evening! Good evening, good evening! [ the applause dies down ] Now, in six-hundred and seventy-four days, we’re gonna have a new Presient. And the field is just SO crowded. On the Republican side, there’s McCain and Guiliani. Now, is it me, or was McCain too old eight years ago? And then we have Guiliani. Now, Guiliani’s great. He’s great — in a crisis. But, uh, in real life, Guiliani’s kind of like a pit bull. He’s great when you have a burglar – but, if you don’t, he just might eat your kids.

Then, we have the Democrats. And everybody’s saying the same thing: “Hillary or Obama?” A black man, or a white woman. It’s so HARD to make up my mind! You know, as if it was a SUFFERING contest! And, even if it was, how can you compare the suffering of a white woman to the suffering of a black man?! It’s not even CLOSE! I mean, white women burned their bras; black men were burned alive! I mean, sure, white women couldn’t vote for an a minute, so they’d march, and protest. You know? And when they had to get on the BUS to go to a protest, who do think gave up their seats? You know hoe much better Seabiscuit’s life was than my grandfather’s? You see, when a horse can’t run any more, they put him out to stud; when a black man can’t run any more, he gets shot fifty times! I mean, how can you compare the pain of a white woman to the pain of a black man? They used to hang black men just for looking at white women! I mean, nobody ever lynched a white woman! No white woman’s ever been assassinated! Everybody looooves white women! White men love white women; black men reallllly love white women! I mean, did you see Anna Nicole Smith’s funeral? She had SIX black men pallbearers! I thought Farrakhan died!

Everybody loves white women.. except white women! White women are the majority of the country, and they’ve had the right to vote for almost a hundred years, and still they’ve never elected a white women President! What are you bitches waiting for?! If black people were the majority of this country, there’d be a different Black President every day! Okay? Every year, a new Black person would get a term to be President! Obama would be President; Oprah’d be President; O.J.’d be President; Flavor Flav, Halle Berry’d be President for half-a-term! And for that very reason, that’s why I predict Oback Barama will not only be the Democratic nominee for President, Oback Barama will be the NEXT President of the United States! Okay?

And for those doubters out there who keep asking the question, “Is American ready for a black President?” I say, “Why not? We just had a retarded one!”

“Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

Dry Eyes

Gary Pierce…..Bill Hader
Jerry Bertrand…..Fred Armisen
Brett O’Connor…..Justin Timberlake
Model…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on title card superimposed over game show set ]

Announcer: Welcome to “Dry Eyes”! The game show that challenges you to keep from crying. Now, here’s your host — Gary Pierce!

[ Gary Pierce enters the set ]

Gary Pierce: Hey-ohhhhhhhhh!!! [ laughs heartily ] Hi there. Welcome back to “Dry Eyes.” The game is simple: cry — you lose! Keep it dry, and you walk away with cash and prizes. Let’s meet our contestants. First up — he’s a high school Math teacher who’s a whiz in the kitchen. Say hello to Jerry Bertrand!

[ the game show audience cheers ]

Jerry Bertrand: It’s great to be here, Gary!

Gary Pierce: Are we gonna see any tears from you today, Jerry?

Jerry Bertrand: No way! I am a ROCK!

Gary Pierce: Alright. You’re gonna need that confidence, because you’re facing our 22-TIME returning champ! He’s a firefighter. Please welcome back — Brett O’Connor!

[ the game show audience cheers ]

Brett O’Connor: It’s good to be back, Gary!

Gary Pierce: Now, as always, we here at “Dry Eyes” have researched your personal lives to make it as DIFFICULT on you as possible to keep those eyes dry! The categories are: [ show game board ] “Break-Ups”, “What They Called Me In High School”, “Surprise Surprise”, “Give It To Me Straight, Doc”, and “Things My Dad Never Said.” What’s it gonna be, Brett?

Brett O’Connor: Uhh — I’ll take “Break-Ups.”

Gary Pierce: Ten points for every second you don’t cry, up to 100 points. Are you ready?

Brett O’Connor: I’m ready.

Gary Pierce: This is something said to you by your ex-girlfriend, Sarah. [ Brett blinks twice ] “I’m leaving you — not because I don’t love you, but because you never let me in.” [?] GO!!

[ the clock starts ticking ]

Brett O’Connor: Oh, God.. Sarah.. [ exhales ] I still miss her. That’s.. for sure. So much. It — it was my fault —

[ the bell dings ]

Gary Pierce: Time!

Brett O’Connor: Whoo!! YES!!

Gary Pierce: Very, very well done! Thought you might break there, in the end.

Brett O’Connor: Me, too! That was close! Today would have been our fifth-year anniversary. [ chuckles ]

Gary Pierce: There you go! Jerry, think you can take him?

Jerry Bertrand: Uh — yeah, definitely. I’m gonna take, um — “Surprise Surprise.”

Gary Pierce: Okay. For this category, I’m gonna tell you something surprising.

Jerry Bertrand: Give me your worst, Gary.

Gary Pierce: The students in your class are real trouble makers.

Jerry Bertrand: [ laughs, smiles ] Yeah, they certainly are!

Gary Pierce: Well, today they’ve outdone themselves.

Jerry Bertrand: [ stone-faced, confident ] What did they do now?

Gary Pierce: They have nominated you for Teacher of the Year. GO!!

[ the clock starts ticking ]

[ genuinely surprised, Jerry immediately begins weeping hard ]

[ the buzzer sounds ]

Gary Pierce: [ surprised as well ] Wow! That, uh — that got you right away.

Jerry Bertrand: [ wiping his tears away ] I just — I’m just so hard on those kids, and I never knew they cared about me —

Gary Pierce: Well, that’s NO points, and back to you, Brett.

Brett O’Connor: [ glances incredulously at Jerry ] I’ll take “Things My Dad Never Said.”

Gary Pierce: Alright, now, just for our audiences — your dad left your family when you were only thirteen. Is that right?

Brett O’Connor: [ laughs, waves the fact off ] Ha! Yeah, that’s right!

Gary Pierce: Alright. I’ll be reading this one as your father.

Brett O’Connor: Go for it.

Gary Pierce: “Son: I know we never see eye to eye, and this might not mean much to you.. but I wanted to say, ‘I’m proud of you.'” GO!!

[ the clock starts ticking ]

Brett O’Connor: [ looks as though he’s genuinely touched, but then quickly crinkles his nose ] Like you would ever SAY that! [ starts to frown, then catches himself and puts on his poker-face, which starts to slip just as quickly ] Maybe if he was.. drunk. [ starts to slip into a frown again, but desperately fights the pending tears ] Although.. it would be nice to hear —

[ the bell dings ]

Gary Pierce: Time!!

Brett O’Connor: [ excited ] YEAH!!! WHOO!! IN YOUR FACE!! GOOD TRY, DAD!!

Gary Pierce: [ chuckles ] You barely made it through that one, buddy! [ a beat ] Jerry?

[ Jerry is already reduced to tears from Brett’s question ]

Jerry Bertrand: Oh, God! That was so hard to WATCH!

Gary Pierce: Well, uh — pull yourself together, because it’s your turn.

Jerry Bertrand: [ sniffling, as he wipes away his flow of tears ] Can I have another second, please?

Gary Pierce: [ rolls his eyes ] Are you ready?

Jerry Bertrand: [ still sniffling ] Just another second, please? [ sniffles some more ] Okay.. I’m gonna take.. “Give It to Me Straight, Doc.”

Gary Pierce: Okay, Jerry. I’m a doctor: “Mr. Betrand, your wife had a very difficult time. I don’t know how to tell you this.. but you are the father of a healthy baby boy.”

[ before Gary can say “GO!”, Jerry breaks down into a bundle of tears ]

[ the bell dings ]

[ the buzzer sounds ]

Gary Pierce: Not good, Jerry!

Jerry Bertrand: [ still crying ] I’m a dad!

Gary Pierce: No! No, you’re not! But you will be going home with our Clinique gift bag for losers! And, Brett — you’re back in the Speed Round!

Brett O’Connor: Yeah!! WHOO!!

[ Jerry exits the stage, collecting his consolation prize from a smiling model ]

[ Brett joins Gary Pierce at the center of the game show set, as the studio audience cheers him on ]

Gary Pierce: I don’t have to tell you how it works — four challenges, $100 each. Cry liquid tears, and you’re OUT! Are you ready to see the next category?

Brett O’Connor: Sure.

Gary Pierce: The category is.. “Sad Songs.”

Brett O’Connor: [ intrigued ] Oo-ooh.

Gary Pierce: [ rushes offscreen ] GO!!

[ the Aerosmith song “Cryin'” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: [ almost starts to weep, his memories tracing back ] Sarah! [ catches himself, puts on his poker-face ] I miss you. [ exhales ]

[ the bell dings ]

[ the Lionel Ritchie song “Hello” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: [ grits his teeth ] That blind girl from the — [ reverts to his poker-face ] video!

[ the bell dings ]

[ the Celine Dion song “My Heart Will Go On” from “Titanic” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: Awww!! Not “Titanic”!! [ throws his hands over his head ] God! Jack and Rose! [ composes himself, slows his breath ]

[ the bell dings ]

[ the Harry Chapin song “Cat’s in the Cradle” begins to blare through the studio ]

Brett O’Connor: [ starts to lose it, but struggles to regain his composure ] No, Dad.. not now.. [ holds his breath, shakes his head ] Not e-e-ev-er!! I will NOT cry for you!

[ the bell dings repeatedly ]

Gary Pierce: You’ve done it!!

Brett O’Connor: YEAH!! [ still addressing his dad ] SUCK IT, Dad!! Suck it for ETERNITY!!

Gary Pierce: We’ll see you next week on “Dry Eyes”!

Brett O’Connor: SUCK IT, DAD!!

[ title card appears ]

Brett O’Connor: YEAH!! [ locks Gary Pierce in a bear hug ]

Gary Pierce: Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa — !

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

The Barry Gibb Talk Show

Barry Gibb…..Jimmy Fallon
Robin Gibb…..Justin Timberlake
Sandra Day O’Connor…..Kristen Wiig
Thomas Freedman…..Fred Armisen
President Jimmy Carter…..Darrell Hammond

[FADE IN on Barry and Robin standing in white leisure suits with their backs to the camera in the foreground of a talk show set. Blue lights flicker while a disco ball twinkles in the background. The Bee Gees’ 1975 hit “Nights on Broadway” starts up as the audience squeals in approval.]

Announcer: [in a husky growl] It’s The Barry Gibb Talk Show!

[SUPERIMPOSE logo briefly, and then the brothers turn around and sing, with Barry on guitar.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Heeeeeere we are!”

Announcer: Tonight, Barry’s guests are:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “In a room full of straaaaaaangers…”

Announcer: From the New York Times, columnist Thomas Freedman!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Discussin’ politics…”

Announcer: Former Supreme Court Justice:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And the issues of the daaaaaaaa-ayyyyy…”

Announcer: Sandra Day O’Connor!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “And I want to taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Former President Jimmy Carter!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Though you may not waaaaaaant me to!”

Announcer: And as always:

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I’m still gonna taaaaaaaalk to you…”

Announcer: Barry’s brother Robin!

Barry and Robin Gibb: “I don’t care what you saaaaaaaaaaaaay!”

[Barry slips off his guitar, and the brothers start disco dancing.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout issues,
Talkin’ ’bout very important issues.
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Sho-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-ow-own!
Yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah…”

[SUPERIMPOSE logo again as the brothers dance to their seats. The lights come up, and the disco ball retracts into the ceiling.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host: Barry Gibb!

[“Nights on Broadway” fades out as the Gibbs settle into their chairs.]

Barry Gibb: [in a high, broken voice] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. [laughter and cheers] We got a great show for you t’night. Let’s get right to it. It’s my show, and it’s a no-nonsense show. I’m not gonna take any crap from nobody.

[He glances over to Robin, who stares impassively forward.]

Barry Gibb: Issue number one: Will President Bush listen to the Iraq Study Group’s recommendations? Do you have any thoughts on this, Robin?

[Robin stares blankly away for a long moment.]

Robin Gibb: [softly] No. No, I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Why, why not?

Robin Gibb: I dunno. I ju–I just don’t.

[laughter]

Barry Gibb: [turns to left] Sandra Day O’Connor. As a member of the [breaks into falsetto] Iraqi Study Group: Do you think the President will act on your [in falsetto] recommendations? Haaah!

Sandra Day O’Connor: First of all, Barry, I just want to say that it’s great to see you getting into politics. One could say your career is really, um… stayin’ alive.

[Audience chortles as Robin covers his eyes and Barry glances around in disbelief.]

Barry Gibb: What did you just say t’ me?! Haah-ahh! You do NOT try to joke me down on my own show!! [stands up and kicks the air] I’m BARRY ef-in’ GIBB!!!

[riotous cheers]

Barry Gibb: You think I’m here to pull my [in falsetto] Australian politics? I’m gonna show up and murder you on national television!! [in falsetto] Ha-aa! Ha-aa! Yaaah!

Sandra Day O’Connor: I’m sorry.

Barry Gibb: You are sorry: a sorry excuse for a human being. You’re a piece of human garbage.

Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] “Huu-u-u-man! Gaaa-a-ar-bage!”

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: Yeah!

[Barry glances irritably at Robin.]

Barry Gibb: [turns to right] Thomas Freedman: you spent over a decade in the Middle East. And I just wanted to say that I’m a great fan of your work.

Thomas Freedman: Well, thank you very much–

Barry Gibb: Don’t interrupt me, please, thank you. What did I JUST SAY, do you know who I AM? [stands up and kicks the air] I’m BARRY… GIBB!!! I will rip off your hands and wear them like boxing gloves and beat you to death! And then when I’m done, I will [in falsetto] humiliate your coooorpse! Robin, do you have anything to add?

[Robin stares blankly into space for several seconds.]

Robin Gibb: No. No, I don’t.

Barry Gibb: Robin? Look at me. Look at me. I’m your brother, Robin, look at me-e-e-e! [sings] “Robin, look at your brother, please!”

Robin Gibb: No, I don’t wanna.

Barry Gibb: [in the first note of “Nights on Broadway”] “He-e-e-e-e-e-y-y-y-y…”

[laughter]

Barry and Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] He-e-e-e-e-e-y-y-y-y…
President Carter!
James Earl Carter!
A p-p-p-p-peanut farmer!
President Ca-a-a-ar-ter!
Uh-huh!”

Barry Gibb: Huh!

Robin Gibb: Hah!

[Barry glances irritably at Robin again.]

Barry Gibb: Yeah!

Robin Gibb: Yah!

Barry Gibb: President Carter: if you could give President [in falsetto] Bush one piece of adviiiice… on how to deal with the situation in Iraq, what would it be?

President Jimmy Carter: [lifts eyebrows and bulges eyes] Well, Barry, Robin… What President Bush needs to understand is that one nation cannot impose democracy onto another. Especially when that nation is as divided as Iraq is.

Barry Gibb: [attentive] Okay.

President Jimmy Carter: He needs to get the Sunnis, the Shi’ites, and the Kurds together–

Barry Gibb: Right.

President Jimmy Carter: –and have honest dialogue about how to move forward.

Barry Gibb: That’s good.

President Jimmy Carter: Uh, when I was President, I brought Anwar Sadat and Menachem Begin together in the Camp David accord.

Barry Gibb: Good Lord! Every time I turn on TV, you’re goin’ on about Camp David accord!! It’s been thirty years! [in falsetto] Give it a reeeeest! You don’t see me talkin’ about “Saturday Night Fever” all the time–I moved ON!!

[Barry jumps up and starts kicking the air repeatedly. Carter cringes and leans against Sandra Day O’Connor.]

Barry Gibb: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOVE A BOTTLE INSIDE YOU AND KICK IT TILL IT BREAKS!!! YOU GET ME TIRED!!! I AM BARRY… GIBB!!!

[Barry plops back down in his chair but instantly leaps back up.]

Barry Gibb: [kicking the air] I will ruin you! I will ruin you! [starts singing] “I will ruu-uu-u-in you!”

Barry and Robin Gibb: [in harmony] “I will ruu-uu-u-in you! I will ruu-uu-u-in yoooooooooooou!”

[The audience screams in approval as Barry tumbles back into his chair. He wearily reaches for the flower basket on the center table, plucks a flower, and sniffs it.]

Barry Gibb: That’s all the time we have. [sings] “Well… I’m… Barr–”

[He is cut off by the “Nights on Broadway” track. As the lights dim and the disco ball reappears, the brothers jump up and start disco dancing.]

Barry and Robin Gibb: “Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Talkin’ ’bout chest hair!
Talkin’ ’bout crazy cool medallions!
Talkin’ it up,
On The Barry Gibb Taaaalk Shoo-ow,
Checkin’ out politics,
In this crazy, crazy tow-ow-own!
Oh, yeah…”

[Laughing, the brothers embrace briefly and dash offstage while the audience cheers tumultuously. SUPERIMPOSE The Barry Gibb Talk Show logo and fade to black while “Nights on Broadway” keeps playing.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

Goodnights

…..Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake: Thank you to Jimmy Fallon! Thank you to Cameron Diaz! Thank you, New York, and all the world! Have a Merry Christmas!

[ Jimmy Fallon and Timberlake slam their chests together, before Fallon runs down stage right to give Amy Poehler a great, big, bear hug ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 9

06i: Justin Timberlake

Goodnights

Keisha…..Kristen Wiig
Trey-J…..Justin Timberlake
Jo-Jessica…..Maya Rudolph
Girlie-t……Amy Poehler
Flip Flop…..Jason Sudeikis
K Smoove…..Kenan Thompson
Cave creature…..Seth Meyers
Cave creature…..Bill Hader

[ TV Show theme song begins with credits for each character ]

Trey-J: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!

All [ rapping ]: We’re the Hip Hop Kids and we’re on the way. We’re going to help you dance your troubles away. We study hard and stay in school.Go on adventures, it’s always cool. We the Hip Hop Kids.

Jo-Jessica: Check it!

Trey-J: Before you wreck it.

[ display of episode number and title screen ]

Announcer: Episode 42: Yo, Yo, Yo! How we gonna get outta this mine shaft, yo!

[ Keisha, Jo-Jessica, and Trey-J are at front of stage with Flip Flop and Girlie-t enter from the back of stage ]

Trey-J: Ok, team, what’s the repooort.

Girlie-t: Yo, these shafts are straight closed up.

Flip Flop: Word, we gonna run outta oxygen soon, yo.

Jo-Jessica: Yo, why’d we take a shortcut through a mineshaft in the first place?

[ Trey-J blows whistle ]

Trey-J: Negativity ain’t helpin’, Jo-Jessica. We need to get to Douglas High School and do our inspiration Hip-Hop dance or those kids’ll start using *druuugs*!

Keisha: Yo, we need to think up an idea-uh.

Trey-J: Well, I only know one way to solve a problem.

Girlie-t: Dance it out.

Trey-J: Tru-dat. K Smoove, drop a beat!

[ K Smoove begins playing music ]

Trey-J [ rapping ]: Yo, yo. We gotta think, yo. We gotta think about a problem and a solution. I don’t know if we..

[ cave begins to rumble and Keisha is hit on the head with a rock and falls down ]

Various: Oh no! Oh no!

Jo-Jessica: Yo, that rock hit Keisha on the head, yo. Then that stalagmite fell on her.

Girlie-t: That’s a stalagtite, Jo-Jessica. You gotta reckonize your sedimentary rock formations!

Jo-Jessica: Yo, who you calling a bitch, bitch?!

Girlie-t: I never said the word bitch, bitch!

[ Trey-J blows whistle ]

Trey-J: Yo! Twenty second TO. Keisha looks hurt bad, so we need to speed up our exit scratedgy. Let’s think.

Flip Flop: Yo, I think better when I’m busting a move, yo.

Trey-J: What!? K Smoove! Show us where out beat’s at!

[ K Smoove begins playing music and caves begin to rumble again and Jo-Jessica gets hit on the head with rock and falls down ]

Trey-J: Dance it out, Jo-Jessica, dance it off!

[ Jo-Jessica gets hit on the head with another rock ]

Trey-J: Yo, damn! It’s like these rocks know when we dancing, yo.

Girlie-t: Yo, I think it might be music and the dancing that’s shaking these rocks loose.

Trey-J: Foo! Dancing don’t cause problems – it *solves* ’em!

Flip Flop: We gonna straight up run out of food soon, yo.

Girlie-t: Yo, this cannot get any worse.

[ cave creatures rise from the back of the stage ]

Trey-J: Yooooo. On the getting worse front, I think we’ve got some company in the form of *cave creatures*!

Flip Flop: What do we do?

Trey-J: *What* do we *always* do?

Girlie-t: You think we dance it out?

Trey-J: What do you think?

Girlie-t: I was thinking maybe we should stay still. If these creatures live in this cave, they’ve probably have evolved to sense movement rather than seeing actual shapes. I think dancing may be the worst possible call, yo.

Trey-J: Flip Flop?

Flip Flop: Yo, I say we do how we do, yo.

Trey-J: K Smoove, jam it!

[ K Smoove begins playing music and cave creatures close in on Flip Flop surrounding him ]

Flip Flop: Oh yeah, how you like those moves, creatures. Ugh! Double up on you, hyah! Ugh! You getting served, you getting served, cave creatures.

[ cave creatures attack Flip Flop ]

Flip Flop: Oh, no! I’m getting served! I’m getting served!

[ cave creatures bring Flip Flop to the floor ]

Trey-J: Yo, it was like those creatures knew where he was!

Girlie-t: Yo, they did cause he was yelling at them!

Trey-J: Why you yelling at me? What are we going to do now?

Girlie-t: Yo, those cave creatures gave me an idea, yo.

Trey-J: For real?

[ cut to later with Hip Hop Kids Insert ]

Trey-J: Yo. I can’t believe we ate Keisha and Jo-Jessica, yo.

Girlie-T: You need to get past that. Cause they got ate. And that’s all there is.

Trey-J: Yo. On the real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real. I feel like dancing straight up worked against us this time, yo. What do you think, K Smoove?

[ K Smoove scratches a record a couple of times in reply. ]

Trey-J: If there was ever a day I wish you could talk, it would be today, K Smoove.

[ K Smoove scratches a record once in reply ]

Trey-J: Yo, look a tiny beam of light!

[ Trey-J points to crack in wall ]

Girlie-t: That’s way too small to fit through, yo.

Trey-J: What if we tried to *dance* through it.

Girlie-t: I like the way you think!

Trey-J: Yo!

Girlie-t: Boom! K Smoove!

[ K Smoove begins playing music and Trey-J begins to dance towards the crack ]

Trey-J: [ rapping ] Got to walk and up to it. Got to walk and up to it.

Announcer: Will the hip hop team dance through the hole? Will they face criminal charges for eating their teammates? This and more next time on “Hip Hip Kids”!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: OVNS

SNL Transcripts