Category: 2007

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

An Address from the All-But-Certain-To-Be Next President

Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Presidential seal with modified text ]

Announcer: The following is an address from the all-but-certain-to-be next President of the United States — Hillary Rodham Clinton.

[ dissolve to Bill Clinton sitting in a chair pretending to read a book, as Hillary enters frame ]

Hillary Clinton: Bill?

Bill Clinton: [ feigning surprise ] Oh! I’m sorry. Is this, uh, not a good place to read?

Hillary Clinton: Actually, I was about to start.

Bill Clinton: Okay. Yeah. Sure, of course — of course you were.

[ ever the camera hog, Bill lingers on the edge of the frame until a dirty look from Hillary makes him leave completely ]

Hillary Clinton: [ smiles to the camera ] Good evening, my fellow Americans. A little more than a year from now, you, the American people, will go to the polls and elect me President of the United States. I want you to know I will be humbled and honored by the trust you have placed in me. To my as-yet-undetermined Republican opponent — the candidate I will have defeated — I want to compliment you — whoever you turn out to be — in advance, on running what I am sure will have been an honorable, albeit losing campaign. A campaign in which you, no doubt, have raised important issues. Issues that, unfortunately, will have gone largely unnoticed, since virtually everyone will assume — correctly, as it turns out — that you have no chance in winning.

And now, a word to my seven fellow Democratic candidates for president — thos I am about to defeat for our party’s nomination. I have so admired the pluck and determination all of you have displayed, in what I imagine, for you, must be an awfully discouraging campaign.

[ picture of Barack Obama appears ] You, Barack Obama, with your almost childlike faith in people’s basic decency, and your near total lack of experience in government.

[ picture of Chris Dodd appears ] And you, Chris Dodd, whose campaign fundraising efforts I have worked so hard to sabotage, often with violence or threats of violence.

[ picture of Joe Biden appears ] And you, Joe Biden, with those obvious plugs you seem to think no one notices. They are so very enormous, and so very endearing.

[ picture of Bill Richardson appears ] And you, Bill Richardson, whom I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting, but understand are part Colombian, or Mexican, or something.

[ picture of Mike Gravel appears ] And you, Mike Gravel, you dear, dear crazy old man.

[ picture of John Edwards appears ] And you, John Edwards, you phony, two-faced, ambulance-chasing little rat bastard.

[ picture of Dennis Kucinich appears ] And finally — my sweet, teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy miniature friend, Dennis Kucinich. Somehow, I think I’ll miss you most of all.

Now, in 2016, when I will have completed my second term as President, and will, thus, be ineligible to run again — unless, of course, the laws change. And it really is a strange law. [ laughs ]

Bill Clinton: [ jumps in ] I totally agree! That law makes absolutely no sense in the 21st Century!

Hillary Clinton: Bill.

Bill Clinton: What? I’m agreeing! [ waves to the camera ] Hey.

Hillary Clinton: In any case — in any case, should I be unable to run again in 2016, and should one or all of you, my former fellow candidates, then decide to make a second — this time, more realistic bid at the White House — well, I think that would be just super! Who knows? 2016 could finally be your year to shine. And I believe that any one of you would make a very, very good president. I really do! And, should that happen, know that Bill and I will be pulling for you, from our new positions as, respectively, the United Nations Secretary General and Pope. Watching fondly as you finally spread your wings and fly. But that’s 2016. Should I not have an opportunity to speak with any of you before then, I wish you al the best. And, rest assured, each of you, plus one guest, will have a seat in the rear of the grandstand at my 2009 and 2013 inaugurals. Seats which I hope, but cannot absolutely guarantee, will not be obstructed by a column.

God bless you all, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Great Moments in Guidance Counseling

…..LeBron James
Larry Baines…..Jason Sudeikis
Glenn…..Will Forte

[ open on title on a sheet in a three-ring binder ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of: “Great Moments in Guidance Counseling.”

[ dissolve to close-up of the faculty page in a high school yearbook ]

Narrator: January, 2003. Larry Baines, guidance counselor at St. Vincent-St. Mary High School in Akron, Ohio, had a meeting with a student that’s still talked about amongst guidance counselors to this day.

[ dissolve to Mr. Baines’ office, as student LeBron James enters ]

LeBron James: Hi, Mr. Baines.

Larry Baines: [ beaming ] Heeeeyyyy! LeBron! [ they shake hands ] Take a seat, take a seat! [ chuckles as they both sit ] Hey — so, uh, what’d you want to talk to me about?

LeBron James: Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about my future —

Larry Baines: Good, good, good! Well, you came to the right guy! What’s on your mind?

LeBron James: Well, I’ve been told if I’m cleared for the NBA, I’d be the number-one draft pick.

Larry Baines: [ impressed ] Hey, wow! That’s fantastic news!

LeBron James: But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought now, and I’ve decided I want to go to college.

Larry Baines: [ stunned ] I’m sorry — what?!

LeBron James: [ proudly ] I’m going to go to college!

Larry Baines: Okay, okay — uh — you know, LeBron — college might not be the right path for you, right?

LeBron James: [ confused ] I thought you would be happy?

Larry Baines: Well, you know, LeBron — do you know what a contract in the NBA is worth? You know, I — I mean, it would take one-thousand of me, uh — one-thousand years just to make your signing bonus!

LeBron James: But you’ve always talked about the importance of a college scholarship.

Larry Baines: Okay, alright, well, uh — uh — I mean, do you know who has a college education, LeBron? [ a beat ] I do! [ laughs ] I mean, you know — LOOK at me! My shirt doesn’t have long sleeves — you know, I make my own lunch — you know, I share an office with Glenn —

[ a wide shot suddenly reveals Glenn seated at an adjacent desk ]

Glenn: Don’t say it like that..

Larry Baines: Shut up, Glenn!

LeBron James: But — I’ve always dreamed of getting a diploma.

Larry Baines: What? Oh, you want a diploma? Oh, well, here! [ he stands and pulls his diploma off the wall ] There you go! I’ll sell you mine! POW!! There you go, that’ll be one million dollars! [ laughs ] Now you only have two-hundred million bucks left!

LeBron James: But won’t I be ashamed to work with the people who went to college?

Larry Baines: What? Okay, well, you know how you get over that? You DUNK on ’em! You just take a basketball, you dunk it right on their heads! Then you put your arms up and you say, “I guess they didn’t teach you how to stop LeBron James in college — BITCH!!”

Glenn: Larry! Language.

Larry Baines: Glenn! SHUT UP!! [ turns back to LeBron ] LeBron, listen to me — I drive a ’93 Corolla. Okay? When I go over 50, the glove compartment pops open. Now, I went to college for four years — FOUR years, LeBron. And I have no idea how to make a glove compartment stay shut. So you know what I have to do? I have to take it to a shop, where a fuy — who didn’t go to college — says he can fix it for four-hundred dollars! You know what that makes me want to do, LeBron? It makes me want to og back to my college, and burn it to the ground.

LeBron James: Wow, Mr. Baines.

Larry Baines: Yeah.. yeah. Don’t go to — don’t go to college! No, you don’t know something — just Google it!

LeBron James: [ smiles ] Thanks, Mr. Baines!

Larry Baines: Absolutely! [ LeBron stands ] Get out of here, you knucklehead! Alright! [ laughs ]

[ LeBron exits the office. ]

Glenn: You know, I find that, uh, duct tape does a pretty good job of keeping my glove compartment shut —

Larry Baines: Glenn, I swear to God — I swear to God, Glenn.

[ Larry returns to his work as Glenn just nods in defeat ]

[ quiet fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Angry Dog

Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Spokesman…..Will Forte
Sportsman…..Jason Sudeikis
Blind Man…..Fred Armisen

[ open on suburban kitchen, two little kids crouched on the floor next to their lethargic pet dog ]

Kids: Mommy! Mommy!

[ Mom comes running ]

Mom: What is it?

Boy: The Ryans’ dog bit Daisy again.

Girl: Daisy didn’t even do anything!

Mom: Daisy, don’t let that mean dog do this to you.

Spokesman: It hurts to see the dog you love picked on and tormented by other dogs. You can’t make it stop, only your dog can — by standing up to the bullies and fighting back. And now, there’s a dog food that can help. Angry Dog. [ holds up the bag, complete with Michael Vick on the package ] Other dog foods may be more nutritious, but Angry Dog has something special. It’s powerful combination of synthetic testoterone and seven psychoactive drugs go right to your dog’s brain like a perfect touchdown pass, leaving it excitable, on-edge, combative, with a defiant chip on its shoulder. And quick to respond with violence to any slight — real or imagined. In short, an attitude that says to the world, “Don’t you DARE f–k with me! Don’t you EVER f–k with me!!”

Angry Dog is formulated for ALL breeds:

[ in the woods, a Sportsman shoots his kill ]

Sporting dogs.

[ his dog runs into a thicket ]

Sportsman: Here, boy!

[ the dog tears apart the kill ]

Spokesman: Working dogs.

[ a German Shephard seeing-eye dog yanks a Blind Man across the street while barking at other pedestrians to get out of his way ]

Blind Man: Good girl!

Spokesman: Performing dogs.

[ two miniature poodles in clown costumes push each other on a wagon while barking manaiacally at one another ]

Spokesman: Or just old, old friends.

[ an old man sits by the fireplace reading, his faithful but ferocious dog at his feet ]

Old Man: Good girl.

[ cut back to the suburban kitchen, “Six weeks later”, as the kids come running in with the pet dog ]

Kids: Mom! Mom!

Mom: Alright, what’s the big news?

Boy: [ teeth marks and scratches all over his face ] Daisy bit the UPS man!

Girl: [ scratch marks on her cheek, gauze over a missing left eye ] And he’s hiding in his truck!

Mom: [ proudly ] Did you do that, Daisy Dog?

[ growls ]

Mom: Oh!

Spokesman: Your dog CAN be a killer. Angry Dog can help.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Best of Solid Gold

C. Micah Kring … Kenan Thompson
Mark … Will Forte
Alexander … LeBron James
Darcel … Maya Rudolph
Beverly … Kristen Wiig
Jamilah … Amy Poehler

C. Micah Kring: Hello! I am C. Micah Kring! If you’re like me, from 1980 to 1988, your entire life revolved around the show called “Solid Gold”! If you’re not like me, you were going out with your friends and laughing and having a very good time while I was watching that show. Now, for the third time ever, TimeLife presents The Best of Solid Gold! Re-experience this classic show, and reget the chills you got when you saw it for the first time. Who can forget that exciting Solid Gold intro?

[Solid Gold logo pops up on screen, as the Solid Gold theme starts up]

Announcer: And the Solid Gold dancers! Darcel!

[goes onto screen with Darcel doing arm dances, then turning around to the screen and diving down during a camera close-up]

Announcer: Beverly!

[goes onto screen with Beverly walking like a Barbie, then diving down during a camera close-up]

Announcer: Jamilah!

[goes onto screen with Jamilah running up, and throwing one of her arms up in the air, while the other is on her hip. She then poses during a dramatic close-up]

Announcer: Alexzander!

[audience starts cheering, as Alexzander comes running out flamboyantly, with a dramatic close-up]

Announcer: And Mark!

[Mark comes running out with a kick in the air, and then a close-up]

[Everyone gets up and starts doing synchronized arm dances and movements. They all strike a pose at the end of the song, as the camera pans back to C. Micah Kring]

C. Micah Kring: Ohhh! Oooo! Wooo! Ohhh! Ohh. I still have long interpret dreams that involve that intro. Don’t we all? There was nothing else like it! There was also nothing else like watching the Solid Gold dancers moving slowly to very fast songs.

[pans over to dancers, with Alexzander holding a very big cape to an old 1980s show theme song. He opens the cape, and the other 4 come out slowly dancing and crawling very very slowly. Eventually they all retreat, and Alexzander closes the cape back up. It pans back to C. Micah Kring]

C. Micah Kring: Ohh! At that time we believed that these were the best dancers in the world. Don’t you miss it? You’re probably thinking that I’ve got my moneys’ worth already, but there’s more! As a bonus, you’ll get extras like an extremely rare interview with the Solid Gold dancers!

[pans over to single shots of each dancer during interview clip]

Beverly: [starts twitching violently] Hi! I’m Beverly! I’m 5 foot 6 and weigh 108 pounds! In my spare time I like to make vests!

Jamilah: [starts talking fast, high, and nervously] Hi, I’m Jamilah, I’m 5 foot 6 and weigh… 108 pounds! I like long dressed walks on the beach!

Mark: Hi, I’m Mark! I’m 5 foot 6 and weigh 108 pounds! I like white jeans and Cinemax!

Darcel: Hi, I’m Darcel! I’m 5 foot 6 and weigh 108 pounds! My favorite color is tan and I enjoy bus rides.

Alexzander: Hi, I’m Alexzander, I’m 6 foot 8 and weigh 240 pounds. I like roasted whole turkeys. [smiles at the camera, then snatches smile away, and purses his lips]

[pans back over to C. Micah Kring]

C. Micah Kring: Whoa. That was 1 of only 2 interviews that the Solid Gold Dancers ever gave. [For no reason at all, he starts to get angry] The other interview wasn’t nearly as fun or INFORMATIVE! [calms down] Enjoy as the Solid Gold Dancers sexy shake it to some of the most undancable songs ever written!

[pans over to the dancers dancing to “We Built This City” by Starship. Eventually, they all start to pose before the bridge of the song.]

[pans back over to C. Micah Kring]

C. Micah Kring: [over-acting with laughter] Do I need to say any more?!? If you’re like me, you picked up the phone the moment the word ‘solid’ came out of my mouth! If you’re not like me, then you probably straight, and are not interested in this fantastic offer. So, do me a solid and order Solid Gold today! [claps hands together]

[exterior of the Solid Gold DVD pops up]

Announcer: Available exclusively at Urban outfitters.

[dims]

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Goodnights

…..LeBron James

LeBron James: Thanks to Kanye West, and Lorne Michaels, and “SNL”, the crew members — thanks to everybody in here! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

High School Musical 3

Announcer…..Bill Hader
Zac Efron…..Andy Samberg
Venessa Anne Hudgens…..Maya Rudolph
New Kid…..LeBron James
Corbin Bleu……Fred Armisen

[super of high school teenagers dancing]

Announcer: Get ready! The most anticipated Disney Channel movie of all time is only a year a way!

[Super of “High School Musical 3: Return of the Seniors]

Announcer: High School Musical 3! Return of the Seniors! With Zac Efron as Troy Bolton.

[pans to Zac about to break out in song]

Zac Efron: [singing] This is my year, gotta dig deep, see clear, make it special, oh oh oh, I’m a senior now, gotta dance dance now.

[goes to footage of teens dancing in front of a school]

Announcer: But, a new kid comes to East High. Does he have the stuff to make the East High basketball team?

[pans to the new kid, and the basketball team]

New Kid: Hey, I heard there was some tryouts for a basketball team in here.

Zac Efron: Yeah, this is where we separate the men from the boys, do you think you’re tough enough to play for East High?

New Kid: I hope so, I’m not a bad basketball player.

Zac Efron: That’s not what I asked.

Corbin Bleu: [swifts head over and back] You tell him, Troy!

Zac Efron: I asked…

[song starts]

Zac Efron: Are you tough enough? Can you sing and dance? Can you give a lot, and take your best shot?

[basketball players start moving their basketballs, as the ones in the back do stunts]

Basketball Players: Take your best shot. Make it happen now. Shake it all around, and take your best shot.

[song ends]

Zac Efron: So, do you think you can cut it as an East side? side Basketball player?

[moves shoulders and heads, as an attempt to be a dance]

New Kid: Yeah, on second thought, I don’t think I wanna get down with what’s going on in here. I think I’m going to leave.

Female voice: Don’t go!

[goes to footage of kids dancing in front of a school]

Announcer: And Venessa Anne Hudgens returns, after a very interesting summer, as Gabriella!

[pans over to Venessa, who is topless, with a huge black censor bar over her breats]

[ballad song starts]

Venessa Anne Hudgens: If you leave here, leaving East High,

[points to her boobs]

Venessa Anne Hudgens: You’ll never get the chance of checkin’ these out!

[camera pans over to the basketball team]

Zac Efron: But you’re my special girl, how could you be with him, when you should be with me, and I should be with you, and you with me, and on and on like that.

[ballad song ends, while heavy rock song starts up]

New Kid: On second thought, I think I’ll stick around. Play a little ball and have sex with your girlfriend, never give up. Break it down.

[basketball players start dancing, while audience starts cheering]

[goes to footage of kids dancing in a cafeteria]

Announcer: The songs are the best yet! And there’s dancing! That’s exactly what you’d expect.

[Super of “High School Musical 3: Return of the Seniors”]

Announcer: High School Musical 3!

[dissolves while there is a few seconds of a pause, before the applause starts]

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

The Lyle Kane Show

Lyle Kane…..Will Forte
Daniel…..Bill Hader
Tim…..Lebron James

[B.E.T. logo]

Announcer: You’re watching BET. Next up the premiere of The Lyle Kane show.

[Lame flute introduction plays]

[The Lyle Kane Show logo]

[Lyle Kane is a white nerd with cow-licked hair, apolo shirt buttomed all the way up, talks slowly. Hesits in his chair on his talk show]

Lyle Kane: Hi, there. I’m Lyle Kane and this is mytalk show. First of all, I want to thank the blackE.T. channel for taking a chance on Lyle Kane. Just aformer valedictorian trying to make his way in theworld of black entertainment. Hi, there Black E.T.Channel. Thank you, there. I have tried to make thisshow as black as possible to cater to the Black E.T.channel audience. So please, say hello to the blackE.T. “Lyle Kane Show” band.

[Another white nerd with his polo shirt buttomed upplays lame flute sitting on a stool reading a music sheet]

Daniel: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: Hi, there. Before we get to the guest of myblack E.T. channel show “The Lyle Kane Show” hi there.I have time for a few jokes.[stands] Hey, what do youget when you cross a sweater with a knock-knock who’sthere at the door, a cross between a sweater and aknock-knock sweater?I hardly knew her, sweater Ihardly knew her who? Well, that did not go well.[sitsslowly]My first guest is here. He is standing rightover there behind the wall. It’s only like 20 feetaway. But we have the guest wait there until I calltheir name. And then they walk over here and then wehave a conversation. That’s how we do the show here.Anyway, our first guest is just a guy I met a few daysago. His name is Tim. You in this channel will likehim because he is a black man. Come on. Hi,there.[stands up to greet Tim]

[Lame flute introduction plays]

[Tim is a tall black nerd. Afro parted to the side,tie, vest]

Tim: Hi, there.[Tim sits in Lyle’s chair]

Lyle Kane: Yes, that is—that is my chair there.

Tim: Sorry.[gets up, sits in guest’s chair]

Lyle Kane: Ok, yes. You sit there and I will remain inthe chair that I started the show in. This chair righthere and you should’ve know this. So, Tim…

Tim: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: Hi, there. How are you there?

Tim: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: Ok, interesting story. I met Tim the otherday at the bank. He worked there and I was a customer.Tim, what is it like working in a bank?

Tim: It’s good, Lyle.

Lyle Kane: Tim, could you make your answer longer thanthat? Because to be honest, I don’t have any other questions.

Tim: It’s very very very very….very very very very very good, Lyle.

Lyle Kane: Thank you there, Tim. My next guest isDaniel. Hi there, Daniel. Bye there, Tim. Tim can youfill in for Daniel on the flute really quick while Iinterview him?[Daniel gives Tim the flute] Come on.Daniel, walk over there behind the wall where theguests of “The Lyle Kane Show” wait.[Daniel goesbehind the wall] Hi, there. Come on. And wait for myintroduction, it should not be long it is almostcoming, my next guest is the leader of the black E.T.”The Lyle Kane Show” band Daniel. Tim? Tim please playa flute introduction for Daniel. Come on.

[Tim plays very cool jazzy riff on the flute, Danielshakes hands with Lyle and sits down]

Lyle Kane: Hi,there.

Daniel: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: So Daniel, hi there.

Daniel: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: How are you there.

Daniel: Hi, there.

Lyle Kane: How are you there, Tim?

Tim: Fine there.

Lyle Kane: Fine over here, Daniel?

Daniel: Fine there.

Lyle Kane: Ok so Daniel…just tell the audience about your job.

Daniel: I play the flute for “The Lyle Kane Show”.

Lyle Kane: So, that’s all the questions I have tonightand that’s all the guests that I have but now the badnews. There is a lot more time in the show so it lookslike we have hit our first snag of the season here on”The Lyle Kane Show”. Hi, there. Sorry, there.

Tim: Uh,Lyle? Maybe this will help. I heards twopeople backstage that had a question for you.

Lyle Kane: Oh, Tim. Thank you there. What was their question?

Tim: There question was what member of the B.E.T.staff did you had to give a b.j. to in order to get the job?

Lyle Kane: His name is Brian Wilber. Well, that’s allthe time we have on the show. Please, tune in to ournext show which I believe is October 7th 2010. Thankyou to Daniel and Tim. Come on, play us out. [Timplays the flute]Bye, there.[to Daniel] You go leavenow, after he’s done with the flute…..

[The Lyle Kane Show logo]

[Lyle keeps giving instructions as the scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

LeBron James’ Monologue

…..LeBron James

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — LeBron James!

LeBron James: Thank you very much! It’s great to be here tonight. My name is LeBron James — [ audience cheers ] and I play basketball for the Cleveland Cavaliers. For those of you who don’t watch basketball, this past season we went to the NBA finals and we swept the San Antonio Spurs in four games. And for those of you who do watch basketball, be cool and shut up. There’s no reason to ruin it for everybody else! [ laughs ] I love being here in New York, but right now I want to say “Hi!” to my family watching back in Akron. Guys — I know you’re all happy for me, and I wish you could be here for me tonight.

[ reveal LeBron’s dad, brother, and baby brother watching his performance at their home in Akron ]

Dad: [ outraged ] Says he wish we were there for him!

Brother: They damn sure don’t pick the hosts — [ pats down his hair ] based on looks.

Baby Brother: [ waking up ] Did I miss anything?

Dad: You didn’t miss nothin’! Just a man onstage tellin’ a BUNCH of lies! How come he won’t call me back?!

Baby Brother: He text-messaged.

Dad: I ain’t text-messagin’ anybody! A phone is supposed to be a phone!

[ Brother’s cell phone rings ]

Brother: [ picks up ] I’m gonna have to call you back, Baby. I’m watching “Saturday Night Live.” I thought they cancelled it after Eddie Murphy, too.

Dad: Be quiet! I wanna see if it’s gonna get any better.

Baby Brother: I think he’s doing great!

Dad: [ defensive ] What do you know?! You’re just a kid! If an old man tells you somethin’ is not good.. then it’s not good! It’s just the way of the world!

[ back at Home Base, LeBron makes a final mark on a chalkboard ]

LeBron James: — And that’s how you fix our health care system. [ smiles ] It’s not that hard! [ audience applauds ] We have a good show for you tonight — Kanye West is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Read to Achieve

Written by: Bryan Tucker

Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..LeBron James
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on a sound studio as LeBron James walks in and greets the director ]

Mike: Hey, hey, LeBron! I’m the director — Mike Underballs. [ they shake hands ]

LeBron James: Hey, Mr. Underballs. I’m a HUGE fan.

Mike: [ pleased ] Oh, that’s great. Call me Mike. Yuo ready to do this?

LeBron James: Yeah, let’s go.

Mike: Okay, let’s do a take. NBA, Read to Achieve PSA — take one!

[ Mike takes his seat while LeBron stands in front of the basketball net. The camera zooms back and the set lights go on. ]

Mike: And… action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.

[ he turns to catch an incoming basketball, thrown a little higher than necessary ]

LeBron James: And give it your best shot. [ he jumps up and dunks the baskbetball into the net ]

[ buzzer sounds ]

Mike: Okay. Okay, we were, uh — you were a ltitle high on that pass/

[ Jeff enters the set ]

Jeff: Yeah! That was my bad, Mike – -the ball slipped!

Mike: Come on, Jeff. You know I expect the nbest out of my crew. Let’s get it right this time.

LeBron James: [ to Jeff ] Oh, hey, man, don’t worry about it. Just, uh — hit me right here. [ pats his upper chest ] Right in the chest.

Jeff: [ gives LeBron a curious look ] Yeah, I know how to throw a basketball. Thanks, though. [ takes the basketball from LeBron and frowns in Mike’s direction before exiting the set ]

Mike: Okay. Alright, NBA, Read to Achieve, take two. And… action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time —

[ the basketball is thrown at LeBron with a vengenace, smacking him in the arm ]

LeBron James: Hey! [ runs to grab the basketball ] Hey, man, that’s a little early!

Mike: Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! You gotta wait for that cue, buddy.

[ Jeff re-enters the set ]

Jeff: Yeah, sorry about that, Mike. Uh — my mind must be elsewhere, you know? I just bought a new sweater —

Mike: Jeff! I get it! just focus up on this one, alright?

Jeff: Yeah, I hear you, Mike! I guess I thought an NBA player would be a little quicker — that’s all, you know?

LeBron James: I wasn’t even looking!

Jeff: Yeah, whatever excuse works for you, man.

LeBron James: That’s not an excuse —

Jeff: [ with an attitude ] Hey, look, dude — I played high school ball. Point guard!

Mike: Jeff, wrap it up!

Jeff: [ one last lick ] I led the team in an assist!

Mike: Jeff!!

Jeff: [ grabs the basketball ] Hey, Im’ with you, Mike — let’s shoot this puppy! [ exits the set ]

Mike: Okay. NBA, Read to Achieve, take three. And… action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.

[ the basketball flies in and bounces off LeBron’s head ]

LeBron James: Hey!! What’s your problem, man?!!

Mike: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Jeff! [ throws his arms up in disgust ] I-I-I-I told you to wait for that cue, man!

[ Jeff re-enters the set ]

Jeff: Hey! He’s supposed to be a professional athlete, Mike! The guy gets paid a million bucks to catch a ball!

LeBron James: You threw it at my damn head, man!

Jeff: Hey, Bron-Bron! Look — the adults are talking here, okay? You’re 22, right? Go sit at the kid’s table and have a juice box!

Mike: Jeeeeeefffff!! This is a PSA for literacy, not an NBA tryout!

Jeff: Hey, I’m with you, Mike! I’m not the one hot-dogging it here!

Mike: Alright, let’s just — let’s just try it again. Alright? NBA, Read to Achieve, take five. And… action!

[ bouncy music plays behind LeBron ]

LeBron James: Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve.

[ a book is tossed into LeBron’s hands ]

LeBron James: What the hell is this?!

Jeff’s VOice: That’s a BOOK!!

Mike: Okay.. okay.. Why did you throw him a book, Jeff?

Jeff: Hey! It’s about literacy, Mike — I’m just trying to mix it up! I got good ideas, TOO, Mike!!

Mike: No one’s arguing wih you, Jeff! You’ve had good ideas for years.. but we need this as written, okay?

LeBron James: Hey, if we’re not gonna do this, I’m gonna get out of here, okay?

Jeff: Hey, it sounds good to me! We should get Dwayne Wayne, anyway! At least he’s got a ring!

LeBron James: [ to Mike ] Yo, man! Yuo either FIRE this guy, or I’m gonna kick his ASS!

Jeff: [ chuckles ] Alright, that’s it, hotshot! Check ball! [ hands the basketball to LeBron and walks to one side ]

LeBron James: You serious?

Jeff: Yeah! Damn right, I’m serious! Let’s go — you and me, one on one!

LeBron James: Mike?

Mike: LeBron.. check the ball. I really want to see this.

[ LeBron checks the ball to Jeff ]

Jeff: Alright. Don’t give me this — I’m a leftie from Kansas. Alright, here we go! [ starts dribbling the ball ] I’m gonna back you down! Now you’re in MY house, little man! Here we go! [ jumps up for a dunk, but LeBron blocks it ] Okay, good D! Good D! [ he backs off ]

Mike: Beat him up, Jeff! Beat him up!

[ LeBron throws the bal lto Jeff, who tosses it right back ]

Jeff: Alright, here you go. Stick it. Stick it.

[ LeBron fakes throwing the ball into the basket, and Jeff falls for it ]

Jeff: Okay, nice move. What do you got? What do you got? where’s it at?

[ LeBron dribbles the ball, then sideswipes Jeff with his shoulder and knocks him to the ground, then makes the slam-dunk ]

LeBron James: [ faces the camera ] Give it your best shot!

Mike: Yeah! Yeah! We got it! [ jumps up and hugs LeBron ] Jeff, you alright?

Jeff: [ jumps up, his nose is bloody ] I’m fine, Mike! Win by two — let’s go! [ grabs the ball from LeBron ] Check it out! Check it out!

[ fade to “Read to Achieve” logo ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1

07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad…..Fred Armisen
…..Adam Levine
…..Jake Gyllenhaal

[ open on Andy Samberg playing piano in the park ]

Andy Samberg:
“They say true love comes only once in a lifetime
And even though we’re from opposite ends of the earth
My heart tells me you’re the one for me
Mahmoud.

I remember when it started, saw you on the news
You were hating gays, I was eating food
But I was feeling you, and even though I disagree with almost everything you said
You ain’t wrong to me, so strong to me, you belong to me
Like a very hairy Jake Gyllenhaal to me
Mahmoud, make my heart beat right out of my chest
My mind says no but my body says yes
Nuclear threat? The only threat I see is the threat of you not coming home with me
Our love for each other’s like when atoms collide
Can’t express how I feel
Ay yo Adam let’s ride.”

Adam Levine:
“And Iran
Iran so far away is your home
But in my heart you’ll stay.”

Andy Samberg:
“He ran for the president of Iran
We ran together to a tropical island
My man, Mahmoud is known for wildin’
Smilin’, if he can still do it then I can
They call you weasel, they say your methods are medieval
You can play the Jews, I can be your Jim Caviezel
S&M, nestlin’ when we’re wrestlin’
You can be the port that I park my vessel in
So I try to mute the TV but you can still see me
With your sleepy brown eyes, butter pecan thighs
And your hairy butt
Yeah.”

Adam Levine:
“And Iran, Iran so far away
Come home and in my arms you’ll stay
Used to look at the stars and dream
Around the world the same stars we’re seeing
And a twinkle in your eyes Mahmoud.”

Andy Samberg:
“Talk smooth to me, without a tie
Your pants high waisted, damn so fly
We can take a trip to the animal zoo
And laugh at all the funny things that animals do
Like Eugene, you got me straight trippin’ boo
Hope you look in my eyes and say I’m trippin’ too
You say Iran don’t have the bomb but they already do
You should know by now, it’s you
It’s you.”

Adam Levine:
“And Iran
Iran so far away is your home
But in my heart you’ll stay.”

Andy Samberg:
“You crazy for this one, Mahmoud
You can deny the Holocaust all you want
But you can’t deny that there’s something between us
I know you say there’s no gays in Iran
But you’re in New York now baby
It’s time to stop hiding and start living
One.”

Submitted by: Monica B.

SNL Transcripts