Category: 2007

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 1


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07a: LeBron James / Kanye West

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler
O.J. Simpson…..Kenan Thompson
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad…..Fred Armisen
Translator…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

During a meeting of the UN General Assembly on Tuesday, first lady Laura Bush walked past Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but refused to make eye contact with him. Though, in her defense, she thought he was a waiter.

A coffee shop has opened in the heart of China’s forbidden city, replacing a controversial Starbucks that was forced out by public protest. Still, no word on the status of the forbidden city, Circuit City.

Seth Meyers: During a speech at Columbia University Monday, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. As proof, he pointed out that the Iranian version of the Village People are just some people who live in a village.

On Thursday, President Bush held his own talks with the world’s biggest greenhouse gas emitters in hopes with coming up with aspirational goals in hopes to curb global warming. However, the talks were unexpectedly interrupted when the earth died.

Amy Poehler: Earlier this month, O.J. Simpson was arrested on six felony counts in connection with the reported armed robbery of some of his sports memorabilia from a Las Vegas hotel room. Here to comment; really? Oh, no. O.J. Simpson.

O.J. Simpson: What’s up? Seth? Amy?

Amy Poehler: Hello, OJ. So, what exactly went down in that hotel room?

O.J. Simpson: Amy, it was a huge misunderstanding. I just went in there to get my stuff. Stuff that was once mine, that I then sold to a guy, and then I came back to get it back. That’s O.J.’s right.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, but OJ, I heard the audiotape, and it sounds like you were very threatening to those gentlemen.

O.J. Simpson: You’re missing the point, Amy. Wouldn’t you be upset if you sold off some of your things, and when you decided to take those things back, many years after the transaction had taken place, they wouldn’t part with it willingly?

Amy Poehler: Uhh, yes?

O.J. Simpson: Yes, okay. And wouldn’t you be thoroughly disappointed in the police department for seeking you for the arrest of those same items?

Amy Poehler: I’m not sure I even understand that question.

O.J. Simpson: (cross-eyed) Errrrgh! How can I simplify this for you? Let’s say that this lead pencil is mine. I then sell it to you, and five years go by, and then I’m in a casino, and it occurs to me that I need that pencil back. Right this minute. So, me and four of my friends kick down your hotel room door to get my pencil back because it’s mine. What remains unclear?

Amy Poehler: Seth, do you understand this logic?

Seth Meyers: No.

O.J. Simpson: Okay, let me put it to you this way. What happens in Vegas, you must acquit.

Amy Poehler: What, I…

O.J. Simpson: If the glove don’t fit, stays in Vegas.

Amy Poehler: I think you’re mixing up your quotes there, OJ.

O.J. Simpson: (assertively) Oh, am I?

Amy Poehler: O.J. Simpson, everybody.

Seth Meyers: Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime, died this week at the age of 84. It turns out that the invisible rope he was pulling was attached to a very real tiger.

Amy Poehler: A man in Boston proposed to his girlfriend by having the phrase “will you marry me” placed in the Sunday crossword of the Boston globe. This, only six months after he divorced his first wife via word jumble. (Unscrambles “It’s over, bitch)
_ _ _ IST
_ _ _ _ OVRE
_ _ _ _ _ BTCIH

Dog owners in Wisconsin can now pay $275 dollars to do their various dances with their dogs, like the cha-cha, twist, and rumba. Or, they can pay no dollars, and skip the camp all together.

Seth Meyers: Last week, during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call that he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, “That was my wife, reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-11”. (pauses). It was Giuliani.

Animal rights activists are campaigning to get a 26-year old chimpanzee legally declared a person. The one remaining obstacle: It’s not.

Amy Poehler: Earlier this week, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in New York, where he addressed the United Nations, as well as an audience of students at Columbia University. Though, he answered questions on subjects ranging from Iran’s support for terrorism to the Holocaust. It was his comments on women and homosexuals that drew the most attention. Here to comment is Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (he comes out). Um, Mr. President, in your country, women are denied many basic human rights, and the government has imposed draconian punishments, including execution on citizens who are homosexuals. Why are you doing this thing?

(Mahmoud speaks a foreign language)

Translator: (translating what Ahmadinejad says) First of all, the things you said are not factual and make no sense. And we don’t have homosexuals. That is an American hobby, phenomenon, or hobby. This is in Iran, we love and respect women, more than any other two sexes. When I see a beautiful Iranian woman, the type is to be most attractive, tall, but strong and sharp features. Broad powerful shoulders; a muscular, crippled midsection; narrow hips; tight, almost masculine buttocks; attractive, penis-shaped genitals; or even an actual functioning penis; a prominent Adam’s apple; the type of woman I am drawn to. Oh, and it’s also nice if they have a moustache. When I see a woman like this, I give thanks to Allah for the wonder of his creation. Woman. And I say to myself, “why would anyone even want to be a homosexual?” No, this doesn’t happen in my country. No, that is only an American activity or pastime.

Amy Poehler: For more of President Ahmadenijad’s views on women or homosexuality, read his views in this month’s Inches Magazine. Thank you so much.

Seth Meyers: This Saturday, the Nickelodeon Cable Network will have three hours of dead air at noon in part of its 4th annual “Worldwide Day of Play”, which encourages kids to go outside for three hours a year.

Amy Poehler: Nike has created the new Air Native N7, a sneaker designed especially for the wider feet of Native Americans. So, are we cool now?

New research shows that all types of alcohol add equally to the risk of developing breast cancer in women. Though daiquiris will make you feel the most stupidest about it.

Seth Meyers: Police in Staten Island are searching for a ninja burglar, who has robbed 16 homes wearing a ski mask. Not to be confused with the Ski Mask Burglar who has robbed eight homes dressed like a ninja.

George Rieveschl, known for inventing Benadryl, died in Cincinnati at the age of 91. The family ask that you send anything but flowers. (small laugh gets louder as Seth points to audience slowly).

Amy Poehler: Spanish fashion chain Zara has withdrawn a handbag after a customer in Britain complained was embroidered with swastikas. On the bright side, the handbag has been invited to speak at Columbia University.

A woman in Russia gave birth to a 17-pound baby, who was her 12th child. The woman is recovering well, though her vagina has gone into hiding.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, good night.

Submitted by: Snlfreak92

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 6th, 2007

Seth Rogen

Spoon

None

Chevy Chase

A Message from Kevin FederlineSummary: Having been granted full custodies of the two kids he had with Britney Spears, Kevin Federline (Andy Samberg) shares his parenting tips.

Recurring Characters: Kevin Federline.

MontageNote: A cartoon by Robert Smigel is announced during the opening credits but does not air in the live broadcast.

Seth Rogen’ MonologueSummary: Seth Rogen reads the monologue he wrote when he anticipated hosting “Saturday Night Live” during his youth.

Bio: Seth Rogan (1982-); Actor/comedian/writer; TV roles in “Freaks and Geeks”, 1999-2000, and “Undeclared”, 2001-02; recent film projects include “Knocked Up” (2007) and “Superbad” (2007).

Recurring Characters: Steven Seagal.

Veritas Ultrasound HDSummary: The high-tech ultrasound that features picture-in-picture technology that will bring tears to a new dad’s eyes.

Note: This ad parody was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal.

Transcript

2007 National Douchebag ChampionshipsSummary: Sharon Osbourne (Amy Poehler) and Gene Simmons (Fred Armisen) are judges at the annual competitition designed to bring out the worst character traits in its participants.

Recurring Characters: Sharon Osbourne.

Transcript

MacGruber ISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from diffusing the bomb when his receding hairline is revealed.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Casey.

Transcript

Jeremy & StaciaSummary: Parents (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) are oblivious to to how annoying their friends find their oversized kids Jeremy (Seth Rogen) and Stacia (Kristen Wiig).

Transcript

MacGruber IISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from diffusing the bomb when his receding hairline is revealed.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Casey.

Transcript

A Message from Fred ThompsonSummary: Actor/politician Fred Thompson (Darrell Hammond) announces his bid for office even though he doesn’t seem to care about being elected one way or the other.

Recurring Characters: Sam Waterston.

MacGruber IIISummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from diffusing the bomb when his receding hairline is revealed.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Casey.

Transcript

Spoon performs “The Underdog”Bio: Indie rock band from Austin, Texas; performing since 1994; members are: Britt Daniel, Jim Eno, Rob Pope, Eric Harvey.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” following Larry Craig’s weak excuses. Lou Dobbs (Darrell Hammond) rants against Canadians like Seth Rogen. Mets Manager Willie Randolph (Kenan Thompson) and Assistant Manager Omar Minaya (Fred Thompson) don’t have much to say about the Mets’ faltering performance. Senior Politica Correspondent Chevy Chase quips about the candidates seeking the White House bid in 2008.

Recurring Characters: Lou Dobbs.

Transcript

America’s First ColonistsSummary: After discovering a harvest crop of marijuana, the settlers of colonial Stonetown put thoughts of protecting themselves during the harsh winter on the back burner.

Rowlf & The Swedish ChefSummary: Muppets Rowlf (Seth Rogen), The Swedish Chef (Andy Samberg), Janice (Maya Rudolph), Zoot (Fred Armisen), and Animal (Bill Hader) perform a song.

Spoon performs “You Got Your Cherry Bomb”

Mad Joe DixonSummary: Mad Joe Dixon (Seth Rogen) and Delilah (Maya Rudolph) share a joy for tasteless personal pleasures.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Notre Dame Football on NBCNote: This ad parody will finally air on the episode hosted by Jon Bon Jovi.

NBC InvestigatesSummary: An investifative reporter (Seth Rogan) doesn’t do as good a job as his colleague (Amy Poehler).

Australian TravelersSummary: Australians (Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) pack their suitcases before going to New Zealand.

TV FunhouseSummary: In a presentation by Rob Smigel, the topic of air safety is covered in a variety of languages.

HideawaySummary: While hot-tubbing, a man (Seth Rogan) woos a woman (Maya Rudolph) with tales of his hideaway in White Plains.

Colorado RookiesSummary: A Colorado Rookies fan (Andy Samberg) performs a crazy dance every time his favorite team scores.

Maybelline For Men OnlySummary: There’s no need to question the authenticity of the product, because it says it’s “For Men Only” right there on the box.

Note: This ad parody will air on the episode hosted by Brian Williams.

History’s Greatest StoriesSummary: Neil Armstrong lands on the moon.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

2007 National Douchebag Championships

Blaine Savage…..Jason Sudeikis
Jake Hawkins…..Bill Hader
Todd Deaton…..Seth Rogen
Christopher Spanks…..Will Forte
Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler
Gene Simmons…..Fred Armisen
Gerard…..Andy Samberg

Announcer: We now return you live to the Palms Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada to the 2007 National Douchebag Championships. Sponsored by Maxim magazine, Axe body spray, Cigar Aficionado magazine, and SoBe No Fear energy drink. Now, here’s your host, Blaine Savage!

Blaine Savage: Thank you. Welcome back, I’m Blaine Savage. We are now down to three finalists. Only one will win 2007’s Douchebag of the Year and walk away with the commemorative Jared Leto trophy, not to mention a guest spot on the television show Entourage. Let’s review our contestants.

[cut to Jake Hawkins, wearing a button-up shirt and slicked-back hair] From New Jersey, a nightclub manager who loves a good joke, Jake Hawkins.

[pans to Todd Deaton, wearing a “Big Johnson” t-shirt and sideways hat] From Pennsylvania, a student who says he hopes to one day compete in Olympic muff-diving, Todd Deaton – “the Deetch”.

[pans to Christopher Spanks, sporting spiky highlighted hair and one pierced ear] And from California, a street juggler and activist, Christopher Spanks.

Blaine Savage: Gentlemen, you’ve just completed the talent portion of our competition. Now it’s time to hear what our panel of celebrity judges has to say. First up is Jake.

Jake Hawkins: Haha, what’s up? [holds out fist for Blaine to pound]

Blaine Savage: No, I’m not doing that. Now, Jake, for your talent, you recited the lyrics to “California Girls”…

Jake Hawkins: That’s right.

Blaine Savage: …while doing impressions of Borat, Austin Powers, and Jim Carrey from Ace Ventura.

Jake Hawkins: Hehehe, yeahyeahyeah. “It’s nice!” “Do I make you horny, baby?” “Alllrighty then!”

Blaine Savage: Uh, that’s great, that’s great, yeah. Alright, let’s take a look at the judges’ scores.

[judges hold up signs reading “8.0”, “8.5”, and “7.5”]

Blaine Savage: Wow, impressive! Very nice. Let’s start with some comments with Sharon Osbourne.

Sharon Osbourne: [title reads “Sharon Osbourne, Professional Reality Show Judge”] Jake, there’s no question you belong in this competition. Look at you. You are an enormous douchebag! But I have not seen you take it to the next level. You are such a douche – show us why!

Blaine Savage: Okay, okay, some tough love there, some tough love. Gene Simmons?

Gene Simmons: [title reads “Gene Simmons, First Douchebag of Rock & Roll”] Jake [removes sunglasses], you got the tools, but you’re not showing off your main tool. Be the animal that is man. Women want to smell it. [stares into the camera]

Blaine Savage: [puzzled look] Okay, I’m not… sure about that. Let’s go to the reigning Douchebag of the Year, Gerard.

Gerard: [title reads “Gerard, 2006 Douchebag of the Year”] Huh? Oh, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention ’cause I was straight-up jammin’ on this P’Zone. No, biggie, fries. Anyways, I thought you were hilarious… dot-com!

Blaine Savage: [laughs] That’s why he’s the champ, folks. That’s why he’s the champ. Alright, next up is Todd Deaton – “the Deetch”.

Todd Deaton: ’Sup, playas. [holds out fist for Blaine to pound]

Blaine Savage: No, no, I’m not gonna do that, I’m not gonna do that. Alright. Now Deetch, for your talent, you hit on a woman in the audience while showing her a picture on your cellphone of your testicles.

Todd Deaton: Hilarious. I asked her if she wanted to meet “the twins”. [smiles, then stops abruptly]

Blaine Savage: Good lord, good lord, alright. Let’s go to the judges.

[judges hold up signs reading “9.0”, “8.5”, and “9.0”]

Blaine Savage: Wow! Look at that, Deetch! You’re in the lead. Alright, let’s go to Sharon Osbourne.

Sharon Osbourne: Todd, you have all the fundamentals. You have been brought up on date-rape charges seven times, but you were never convicted. You wear shower shoes everywhere, and you call everyone “brosephus.” You are an absolute classic douchebag. Bravo!

Blaine Savage: Wow. Wow, that’s gotta feel good. That’s gotta feel real good. Gene Simmons?

Gene Simmons: Todd [removes sunglasses], be the man that you are. I’ve left my smelly sweat on hotel sheets all over the world. And you know what? The ladies beg for more. [stares and smiles creepily into the camera]

Blaine Savage: [puzzled look] Alright, that’s one to grow on. Let’s head over to Gerard.

Gerard: Huh? What’s up? Oh, sorry. I was just putting one stray braid in my hair using Native American beads that I got at Hot Topic in the Bob Marley section. But for realsies, dude, you’re the jazz! Just keep on doin’ the Bartman. [laughs sheepishly]

Blaine Savage: [laughs] That’s great feedback, great feedback. Uh, Todd, any thoughts?

Todd Deaton: Yeah, just one. What happens in Vegas stays in my pants! Oh snap!

Blaine Savage: [laughs] What a tool! Alright. That’s gonna be tough to beat. Alright. Let’s hear what you can do, Christopher Spanks! Alright. Okay, so Christopher, for your talent, you played Ultimate Frisbee while riding on a Segway while singing the music of Jamiroquai.

Christopher Spanks: [sings] Beep-bop, beep-bop, mmm, virtual insanitayy.

Blaine Savage: Shut up, will ya? Just cool it. Alright, let’s see what the judges said.

[judges hold up signs reading “10.0”, “9.5”, and “9.5”]

Blaine Savage: Yes, it’s the highest yet! Terrific! Sharon, what do ya got?

Sharon Osbourne: Chris, you’ve demonstrated extreme douche-erty [pauses]. Douchebags of the world, bow down! You’ve found your new king!

Blaine Savage: [laughs] That’s great. Gene Simmons?

Gene Simmons: Chris, tonight [removes sunglasses] you’re half tiger, half gorilla, and half horse penis. Own it. [stares and smiles creepily into the camera]

Blaine Savage: Oh, Obi-Schwanz-Kenobi, that guy. That’s unbelievable. Alright, Gerard?

Gerard: [holding a white ferret] What’s up? Oh, sorry. I was just squeezing out some fresh gorp for my main man, Ferret Bueller. [laughs] But on the cereal tip, I gotta have my Pops. [smiles]

Blaine Savage: Okay, I’m gonna assume that… that’s positive, I guess. A commanding lead for Christopher Spanks, but it’s not over yet!

Announcer: More to come on the National Douchebag Championships. Plus, a performance by Counting Crows’ Adam Duritz, and Daughtry.

Submitted by: Shannon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

Goodnights

…..Seth Rogen

Seth Rogen: Thanks to Spoon! And Chevy Chase! This has been an honor — one of the best weeks of my life! This is a good group of people I’m working with — this has been amazing! Thank you, guys! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

Jeremy & Stacia

Jeremy….Seth Rogen
Stacia….Kristen Wiig
Mom….Amy Poehler
Dad….Bill Hader
Jerry….Will Forte
Maya….Maya Rudolph
Jason….Jason Sudeikis
Fred….Fred Armisen

[Opens on a elegant apartment. Three couples willshare a drink after dinner. They sit on sofas on theliving room]

Jason: I don’t know how you found time to put this dinner together.

Jerry’s wife: When we get back from vacation we eattake-out for at least a week.

Mom: It was no trouble at all. Besides, we missed you guys.

Dad: Hey, speak for yourself.

[Inane laughter]

Mom: The vacation was wonderful. The twins had such agreat time. Oh, there’s a picture of us.[gives pictureto the first couple] Oh, look at the four of us. Itwas taken on that cruise ship.

Dad: Jeremy and Stacia gotten so big you wouldn’t recognize them anymore.

Mom: Yeah, they’re adorable.

[The couple look at the picture and the pull disturbing faces]

Jerry: Oh!

Maya: Oh!

Jerry: Oh, my.

Maya: They grown.

Jerry: Wow.

[They pass the picture]

Fred: Let’s have a look here.

[Disturbed faces from looking at the picture frame]

Fred: Oh.

Jason: Oh man, they’ve gotten so much bigger. Ahh!!!

Fred: Aaahh!!!

[Jeremy and Stacia stand under the door frame. Theyare horrendous kids. Jeremy is outgrowing his clothes,braces that keep him from shutting his mouth and dark,thick glasses. Stacia has greasy hair, braces thatkeep her too from shutting her mouth all the way shut]

Dad: Hey, kids. We were just talking about you.

Stacia: I know. We’ve been behind the couch.

Jeremy: I was behind the couch too!!

Stacia: I said “We”!! Mother, we need to talk to you.

Jeremy: I need to talk to mother too!

Stacia: I said “We”!!

Fred:[dishonest] They are adorable.

[Stacia tells her mom a secret]

Mom: Of course, sweetheart. Go and get them.

Stacia: We’ll be right back.

Jeremy: I’ll be right back too!

Stacia: I said “We”!!

[They leave]

Mom: They kids have a little surprise for us

Dad: They’ve been taking music classes at school…

Mom: Honey, don’t spoil it.

Dad: Ok, ok.

[Drum set hangs from Stacia’s shoulders. Jeremy has atoy radio with a mic on]

Stacia: Mother would you introduce us, please?

[Mom gets up]

Mom: Ok. Everyone, Jeremy and Stacia would like toperform a little music for you–

Jeremy: Mom, you’re in front of ME!!

Mom: Sorry, angel.[sits]

[Stacia plays a sorry drumbeat. Jeremy butchers AmyWinehouse’s hit “Rehab” into the mic]

Jeremy:[off-key]They say I wanna go to rehab….I saidno, no,no. [Horrified faces from the night’s guests]Told me I have to go to rehab….I said no, no,no.[loving nods from mom and dad]

Jerry:[speechless] That was….that just was.

Mom: Ok, thank you kids. Off to bed

Stacia: We’re not tired.

Jeremy: I’m not either!!

Stacia: I said “We”!!

Dad: Your mother’s right. You’ve got school tomorrow.

Jeremy: Whatever!

Stacia: I hate school!

Mom: Oh, don’t say that.

Jeremy: School is for the birds!

Stacia: It’s for kids!!

[They leave]

Fred: They um… they grow up so fast. Don’t they?

Mom: Tell me about it.

Both couples: Aaahh!!Ooohh!!

[Jeremy and Stacia are back]

Dad: What did your mother and I just told you?

[Stacia tells mom a secret]

Mom: Oh, well all right. They want to show you theirnew toy.

Jeremy and Stacia: This is our new toy.[A Transformerrobot]

Jeremy: I’m gonna show you the toy while she dances.

[Jeremy pushes the buttons and Stacia does spasticmoves, dances like an idiot. The robot sounds “boing,brawng, boing, buzz, baong”. The guests can’t believetheir eyes. Loving glaces from the parents]

Jeremy: This is the off button.[sounds stop]

Mom: That was a present from their grandma.

Dad: It’s time for bed for you two and we mean it.

Jeremy: Ok, good night.[Drops Transformer robot to thefloor]

Stacia: Good night.

[They leave again]

Dad: Ok, sorry everyone. Sorry. Adult time now.

Fred: All right.

Jason:[bottle of wine on his hands] Let me crack thiswine open–Aahh!!

[They appear again]

Mom: What did your father just tell you?

Stacia: It’s quick! [Tells mom in secret]

Mom: Aww, ok,ok. The kids have recorded themselvestalking upstairs for 20 minutes and they just want toplay it back for you.

Dad: Oh.

[Jeremy pushes play on an old cassette recorder. Thetape plays.

Stacia: Hello.

Jeremy: Hello.

Stacia: We’re gonna re-enact a scene from HarryPotter.

Jeremy: I play Harry.

Stacia: I’m going to play Harmonie and the professorMagarlord.

Jeremy: Ok.

Dad: Kids, this is–

Jeremy and Stacia: BE QUIET!!!

Jeremy: Listen!! God!!

[tape plays]

Jeremy: Its pretty bad. I’ve got pimples…on myteeth.

Stacia: Why are you making up stuff?

Jeremy: I’m sorry.

Stacia: I wrote a script.

Jeremy: Ok, let me see it.

[Jerry crawls to a window]

Mom: Jerry, Jerry…we’re on a 15th floor.

Jerry: I’m well aware of that.[jumps to his death]

Dad: Ok, kids, off to bed.

Stacia: We’re not tired!

Jeremy: I’m not tired either!

Stacia: I said “We”!!

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

MacGruber I

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
Caleb…..Seth Rogen

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
Making life-saving inventions out of household materials!
MacGruber!
He’s getting kind of old now, and that makes him uncomfortable!
MacGruber!
He might go get some work done!

[CUT to MacGruber performing punching pose against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a series of rolling hills in the desert. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Silver Mine.” CUT to a sign marked “Mine Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Caleb: [struggling with locked door] The mine door’s sealed shut, MacGruber!

Casey: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — once this hydrogen meter reaches Critical, this baby’s gonna blow!

MacGruber: [wearing a bandana over his head] Okay. This is no time to panic. You’re in good hands. I’ve been doing this all my life. For over 44 — excuse me — 37 years — in October — so I’m 36, but I think if you were to ask most people on the street —

Casey: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

MacGruber: Right! Time me, folks! Casey! Hand me that copper wire!

Casey: You got it, Macgruber!

MacGruber: Caleb! That feather!

Caleb: Gotcha, ‘Grubes!

MacGruber: Casey! That cup!

Casey: Right here!

MacGruber: Okay, great! Now if I can just bypass this detonator, I’ll — I’ll — [ his bandana falls off, revealing a balding head ] Ooh! Ooh! Both of you! Behind you! Look behind you! [ Casey and Caleb look behind them ] Is there a thing I need back there?! [ Casey turns back to look at MacGruber ] Just turn around — turn around! [ she turns back ] Just whatever you see, whatever you find, just — just pick them up and give them to me — [ he quickly tries to tie the bandana back over his balding head ] Okay.. okay..

Casey: I find this caulking putty!

Caleb: Here’s a battery!

MacGruber: Okay, okay! [ still struggling with his bandana ] Uhh — you just hang on to those — I think that I have everything that I need over here, thank you.

Casey: TWO seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay! That’s more than enough time for me to tie this bandana back on, and —

[CUT to the mine exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

MacGruber II

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
Caleb…..Seth Rogen
Keylor…..Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
He got some microdermabrasion and a tasteful brow lift!
MacGruber!
Some collagen injections and a butt-load of hair plugs!
MacGruber!
He’s never felt better about himself!

[CUT to MacGruber rubbing the side of his face against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a desert tower. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Desert Tower.” CUT to a sign marked “Desert Tower Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Caleb: [struggling with locked door] I’ve tried everything, MacGruber! It won’t budge! I think it’s sauntered shut!

Casey: From the looks of this pipe bomb, if we don’t move fast, pretty soon our bodies are gonna be sauntered shut, too!

MacGruber: Don’t worry — we WILL get out of here! I have a four o’clock appointment at the Miata dealership, and I do NOT plan on breaking that.

Casey: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!

Caleb: What are we gonna do, MacGruber?!

MacGruber: Okay, first — quick introduction. EVeryone, this is Keylor

Keylor: Hi!

MacGruber: I met her at a hookah bar in Marina del Ray — [ whispers ] I’m twenty-five. Just go with it.

Casey: Macgruber! Ten seconds!

MacGruber: [ to Keylor ] Okat, let me, uh, diffuse this bomb here. Check this out. [ to Casey ] Mom! Hand me that bottle cap.

Casey: [ makes a funny face but grabs the bottle cap ] On the way, MacGruber.

MacGruber: [ to Caleb ] Dad! Hand me that band-aid!

Caleb: [ confused, grabs the bad-aid ] Okay.. “son.”

Keylor: [ checking her cell phone] Oh my God! Randy got us tickets to see Dave Matthews in concert!

MacGruber: [ excited ] Oh, that’s tight! That’s so tight! [ to Casey ] Mom? Don’t you think that’s tight! [ Caset stares at MacGruber with her mouth agape ] Dad? Isn’t that tight! [ Caleb stares at MacGruber with his mouth agape ] Come on! You gotta at least think that’s a little tight, huh? No? Oh, well, I guess Keylor and I are that only ones who think that’s —

[CUT to the desert tower exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

MacGruber III

MacGruber…..Will Forte
Casey…..Maya Rudolph
Caleb…..Seth Rogen

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
MacGruber!
His surgeon cut him off, so he flew to South America!
MacGruber!
Turns out the medical standards are a lot more relaxed down there!
MacGruber!
He regrets it with every fiber of his being!

[CUT to MacGruber rubbing the side of his face against footage of flames.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[CUT to a monastery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Deserted Monastery.” CUT to a sign marked “Deserted Monastery Control Room” as sirens wail.]

Caleb: [struggling with locked door] Dammit, MacGruber! We’re trapped!

Casey: That bunker buster is set to go off in fifteen seconds! What do we do, MacGruber?

MacGruber: [ his face turned away and hidden from view ] Casey.. hand me that screwdriver.

Casey: [ confused and reluctant, but hands MacGruber the screwdriver ] Here you go, MacGruber.

MacGruber: Caleb.. toss me that paperweight.

Caleb: Okay. [ he grabs the paperweight and tosses it to MacGruber ]

MacGruber: Casey.. hand me that mirror.

Casey: Uh — uh, I — I don’t know, Macgruber..

MacGruber: [ angry ] You want me to diffuse this bomb or not?!

Casey: Yeah, but —

MacGruber: The mirror!!

[ Casey hands MacGruber the mirror. Slow-motion as MacGruber grabs the mirror and moves it closer to his face to examine the results of his plastic surgery. The tension builds with tight shots of Casey and Caleb. ]

[ Suddenly, MacGruber turns to face the camera, with a smile on his tightly pulled back face ]

MacGruber: [ smiling ] Not so bad!

[CUT to the monastery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[FADE to black over applause.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

Mad Joe Dixon

Mad Joe Dixon….Seth Rogen
Abigail Marriweather….Kristen Wiig
Delilah….Maya Rudolph

[Opens in a rural area. Late 1800’s. Two young womenin their long dresses, under a tree, buckets of apples]

Abigail:[fanning herself]Oh, sure is a hot afternoonDelilah. It’s as though my skin is made out of paper mache.

Delilah:[fans herself]Oh, but wouldn’t a small sip oflemonade do me some good?

Abigail: Oh, I bet I know who just you’d like tosqueeze those lemons for. Mad Joe Dixon.

Delilah: Oh, Abigail Merriweather! Everyone knows thatMad Joe Dixon is a brute and a man of low character.

Abigail: Oh, Delilah. When Mad Joe Dixon strolled intothis town you sprung up like a spring flower.

Delilah: Oh, Abiga-a-a-ail! Such foolish words from a foolish girl.

[Whistling]

Abigail: I hear someone around the bend. I wonder who it could be?!

Delilah: Well, quick! Pretend to count your apples.

Abigail: Oh, apples.

Delilah: Yeah, apples. We’re counting apples, right here….

[Mad Joe Dixon is a curly haired, bearded fella.Carries a stack of wood logs on his shoulder, lunch pail]

Mad Joe Dixon: Afternoon, Abigail, Delilah.

Delilah:[seductively]Hello, Mad Joe.

Abigail: Oh, I do believe I hear a baby cryingalthough I have no baby of my own I’m sure there’s ayoungster somewhere who could use somenursing…[leaves Mad Joe and Delilah by themselves]

Delilah:[suggestive]That’s quite a lot of wood you got yourself there Mad Joe.

Mad Joe Dixon:That’s quite a bushel of apples,Delilah. Quite a bushel indeed. What are you fixing to do with them?

Delilah: Well, I suppose I take them home and cut themup and make some of my world famous,[seductively] pie.

Mad Joe Dixon: That sounds mighty fine, Delilah. And if I’m in the area I sure would love to eat a warm piece of your pie. I do like pie. You know what else I like, Delilah?

Delilah: Why, I haven’t the faintiest idea.

Mad Joe Dixon: Sometimes on a hot day, I like to takea cold wash cloth and wrap my balls in it. Then, Iremove that cloth, turn on the room fan and just letthat cold air hit those balls like a prizefighterhitting a couple of speed bags. Bum, dada, dum, badda,bum. Cools down my whole body temperature but specifically, my ball area.

Delilah: Well, when you tell me what it is that youlike that wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.

[Mad Joe drops the wooden logs to the ground]

Mad Joe Dixon: Oh, damn it! I’m stupid! I’m just a big, stupid ox.

Delilah:[grabs Mad Joe by his shoulders]No! Expressingyour feelings is never wrong, Mad Joe! You know what Ilike to do? Well, sometimes….sometimes I like to puton my best Sunday dress, sneak down to the quarrywhere all the men folk are working, see if someoneleft a lunch pail with a thermos on it. And I justtake that thermos and unscrew the top and take a poopin there. Then I close it up and give it a good shake,put it back where I found it.

Mad Joe Dixon: There’s also another thing I remembered I liked.

Delilah: Oh, me too! But you go first.

Mad Joe Dixon: On a cold day I like to put a hot washcloth on my balls. That feels good too.

Delilah: Would you believe I was gonna say the exact same thing?!

Mad Joe Dixon: Delilah, you believe in destiny?!

[They hug]

Delilah: I do, Mad Joe!

Mad Joe Dixon: Then kiss me Delilah! Kiss me hard on the mouth!

Delilah: But wait! Just one thing. Why do they call you Mad Joe?

Mad Joe Dixon: It’s short for Joanne. And I’ve been known to kill people.

Delilah: Oh, good. I was afraid it was because you were crazy.

[Passionate kiss. Romantic music]

Caption: The End

[Scene fades]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 2


]]>

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Lou Dobbs…..Darrell Hammond
Willie Randolph…..Kenan Thompson
Omar Minaya…..Fred Armison
…..Chevy Chase

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

Barack Obama’s Campaign announced last Monday that they raised $20 million in the last three months. Even more amazing, he did it all with a kissing booth.

According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife’s presidential campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they’d be comfortable with him as a first husband. While 21% of women said they’d be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband.

Seth Meyers: President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded children’s health insurance. Explained President Bush, “I hate kids.” [Audience applauds]

In a preview of a 2008 election battle over stem cell research and global warming, Hilary Clinton on Thursday accused President George H.W. Bush of waging a war on science. Of course, based on previous wars, this would probably just [Fumbles]of…end up creating a war on more scientists. [Laughs] You got it though.

Amy Poehler: Three-time Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones admitted on Friday that she used steroids before the 2000 Olympic Games in Sydney. So let me see, that makes…everyone. Everyone has used steroids.

Seth Meyers: This month, for the first time in 30 years, the Canadian loonie is worth as much as the American dollar. Here to discuss the impact on American jobs is CNN’s Lou Dobbs.

Lou Dobbs: Seth, it’s a pleasure Seth, but I’m afraid I am pretty…I’m afraid I am pretty angry about what’s going on.

Seth Meyers: What’s going on here.

Lou Dobbs: The job of hosting Saturday Night Live was largely the province of American citizens, like Tom Hanks and Johnny Mosley–but not anymore. After Summers spent taking American money by the fistful at the box office, Seth Rogen, the shaggy-haired marijuana enthusiast and Canadian national…he’s at it again! Taking entertainment jobs from otherwise deserving Americans. Course, I should expect no less from your Canadian boss Lorne Michaels, who’s been dragging his buddies over the border for years now. I mean when he hires hosts for your “little show” to put on, is it that hard to go American, Seth? I mean, just off the top of my head…David Brenner, Hal Holbrook, Jill Eikenberry; a legitimate triple threat. Are we so enamored with foreign products that those names aren’t even part of the discussion anymore?

Seth Meyers: No, not for years.

Lou Dobbs: I mean, George Peppard! Why isn’t he on the shortlist anymore?

Seth Meyers: Because he’s dead.

Lou Dobbs: Don’t oversimplify it, Seth. Alright, I’m gonna run some numbers by you. Knocked Up: $142 million domestic, Superbad: $116 million domestic…that’s $258 million out of American wallets going into Canadian pockets where it’s blown on cases of Labatts. I wanna read this quote to you: “When it comes to our broken borders, one always thinks of the fence-jumpers, the Mexicans swimming the Rio Grande to take our meat-packing Jobs. But the Canadians are far more insidious. They can walk among us and no one’s the wiser. The Native Americans had a name for evil hid in plain sight. They called them skin walkers. Well, I call it Seth Rogen…in short, Rogen is an economic Bin Laden.”

Seth Meyers: Whose quote is that?

Lou Dobbs: Well, that is of course excerpted from a red-faced tirade I gave to no one in particular in the bar of Hotel Pierre earlier this evening.

Seth Meyers: Lou Dobbs everyone. Thank you so much. [Applause] He hates us.

Amy Poehler: Anita Hill? Anita vacation!

One of the hottest concert tours in the country now is Miley Cyrus, the star of Hannah Montana. While the least popular? Yoda Minnesota.

Seth Meyers: This week, Senator Larry Craig who initially said he’d resign after being arrested for soliciting sex in an airport bathroom in Mineappolis is now going to stay in office to the end of his term in 2009. This brings us to a segment we like to call “Seth and Amy; Really?!” [Applause, title card shows]

Really, Senator Craig? You got caught having gay sex in a bathroom and you’re going to resume your job? You realize your job is Senator and not lead singer of Wham!? Really?

Amy Poehler: Really?! And really, you know I’m not creeped out that you tried to have gay sex in an airport bathroom, I’m creeped out that you tried to have sex in an airport bathroom. I don’t even like going to the bathroom in an airport bathroom! I mean really!

Seth Meyers: Really! And you oppose gay marriage. What, you think marriage takes the sizzle out of it? I mean really! Or do you think if same sex marriage is legalized, there’d be fewer single gay guys who’d want to have sex in airport bathrooms? Really.

Amy Poehler: Really. In 1989, you pushed for more severe punishment for Barney Frank for his involvement in a gay prostitution scandal. But at least he paid for it! So you’re a Republican who likes dudes but hates capitalism?

Seth Meyers: Really.

Amy Poehler: Really! Huh.

Seth Meyers: And this part is true–you hired the lawyer to defended Michael Vick to clear your name. You know who I would have hired? The lawyer who prosecuted Michael Vick. That guy’s a good lawyer! I mean really.

Amy Poehler: Really. So, in conclusion, you’re gay but you’re a Republican, you’re gonna vote for anti-gay legislation but you’re gonna solicit sex in an airport bathroom. Wow, you do have a wide stance! Really.

Seth Meyers: Really.

Amy Poehler: Wow.

Seth Meyers: Huh.

Announcer: This has been REALLY!?! with Seth & Amy.

Seth Meyers: The Boy Scouts of America said that a painted plastic badge which was made in China is given after tests revealed high levels of lead paint. Even worse, it was the merit badge for eating merit badges.

Amy Poehler: Major League Baseball’s post season started this week, with the New York Mets conspicuously absent despite a lead throughout the season. The Mets face a long and possibly turbulent offseason. Here to comment, Mets manager and general manager, Willie Randolph and Omar Minaya. So gentlemen, the big question on everyone’s mind is what happened? Omar?

Omar Minaya: Yeah…[Omar says no words, other than shrilly stretching out “I…” and “Uh…”]

Amy Poehler: Okay, uh, Willie, knowing what you know now, is there anything you would have done differently?

Willie Randloph: [Willie says “Yeah”, then precedes to speak incoherently while making gestures with his head and shoulders]

Amy Poehler: Omar, anything Willie should have done differently?

[Omar says nothing; he opens his mouth, turns towards Amy and appears as though he’s trying to find the right word to say]

Amy Poehler: Okay, so neither of you have anything to say? [Omar and Willie look at each other and shake their head] So…no message for the fans? No hope for the future?

[The two speak at the same time in the exact same way they did before, saying syllables while trying to find the right words to say]

Amy Poehler: Alright. Willie Randolph and Omar Minaya everybody.

Seth Meyers: A convent in Italy was shut down after three nuns got into a fight. Said God, “Ladies, relax. There’s enough of me to go around.”

The jury in the Iasiah Thomas sexual harassment found the coach guilty Tuesday, and awarded Anika Brown Sanders $11 million. Brown Sanders would have gotten more money, but she’s not a washed-up shooting guard with bad knees.

Amy Poehler: A new study shows that the virtual colonoscopy technique is just as effective as the invasive method. The hard part is getting a computer in your butt.

Ikea has now started selling pre-fabricated houses in England. And believe me, you have never felt so uneasy about having leftover pegs.

Seth Meyers: While the 2008 election is still more than a year off, the campaign is already well underway. Here now with an in-depth look is our former Senior Political Correspondant, Chevy Chase. [Very loud and lengthy applause]

Chevy Chase: [On phone] You’re my son; I love you. You’re going blind? You are doing it right. I gotta go. [Hangs phone up] Good evening, I still am, you’re still not. [Applause] Thank you Bob.

[Reads newssheet upside down] …Oh. In a startling moment during Wednesday’s democratic debate, former Senator Mike Gravel’s head exploded. Then in a chain reaction spreading from one candidate’s lector to the next, John Edwards’ hair parted itself on the opposite side, Barack Obama’s ears flapped uncontrollably, Hilary Clinton shot up in the polls, and Dennis Kucinich simply…vanished, leaving his little blue suit displayed out over the podium.

On Tuesday, Barack Obama posed a plan to eliminate all the nuclear weapons in the world. Noble idea. He also hosts to save the polar ice caps, whales, make love and not war, and to buy the world a Coke.

Let’s take a closer look at the Republican candidates, shall we? [Examines photo of Republican candidates from left to right] Okay then.

As we trail along, we must remember the key states of South Carolina, New Hampshure, Florida and Tennessee.

Former Senator and actor Fred Thompson said Monday that he’d been certain of Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction prior to 2003’s lead invasion. He added…[Falls asleep and snores] During which his subordinates filed out for pigs in a blanket.

While campaigning out in New Hampshure, Rudy Guiliani stated that his cores for his votes are evangelical voters, because he appeals on religious issues. While Mormons can relate to him because he’s had a few wives, Catholics can appeal to him because his son hates him. Rudy finds the idea of abortion morally repugnant, but feels that women should have the right to choose to divorce him.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney, pulling ever-so-close in the polls, admitted that his name is indeed Rubber Mittens, and he does indeed comb his hair with olive oil and a fork.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign announced last Monday that her campaign raised over $27 million in the last quarter, much of it legally.

Clinton now leads Rudy Guiliani 51% to 43%. This is causing the former mayor to appear in a soundbite with a surgical mask, shoulders covered in dust, saying “What happened? Call the cops! Am I on camera? Is this thing on?”

Earlier, I used the term “pigs in a blanket” while referring to Fred Thompson, and I don’t know what came over me. I apologize. [A photo of Fred Thompson in a blanket appears; Chase imitates a pig oinking] And that’s politics. Back to you Fred!

Amy Poehler: A cell phone service installed in New York subways will tell authorities within feet of where the call was made. Of course, by then, me and my dance crew will be gone! Ya heard?

Seth Meyers: A new children’s book has been published about the life of Pope Benedict, as told by his cat Chico. They have the title down to two options: White Hat Man Give Food or Everyone Popes.

Amy Poehler: And, an asteroid between Mars and Jupiter was named in honor of Star Trek’s George Takei, after it was discovered that the asteroid was super gay.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts