Category: 2007

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 2

07b: Seth Rogen / Spoon

Veritas Ultrasound HD

Expectant Dad….Jason Sudeikis
Expectant Mom….Kristen Wiig
Ob/Gyn….Fred Armisen
Veritas Representative….Bill Hader

[Opens with a pregnant lady and her husband watching an ultrasound with the doctor explaining what’s on screen.]

Ob/Gyn: And this here. That’s your baby’s head.

Expectant Mom: Wow. [smiles]

Ob/Gyn: Here’s his nose.

Expectant Dad: [frustrated] If you say so.

Expectant Mom: Honey, what’s wrong?

Expectant Dad: What’s wrong? This picture quality is terrible.

[A man in a suit walks in the frame]

Veritas Representative: Ultrasound.[sighs, rolls eyes] For years expectant fathers have been forced to fake interest in crude, low quality, grainy images of their unborn children. Well, not any longer. Thanks to the Veritas Ultrasound HD.

[Expectant dad is in front of a 50 inch HD TV monitor in which he can see live in color the unborn fetus in every detail. He whistles in admiration]

Veritas Representative: We live in a High Definition world. If you could see an NFL’s lineman’s breath in a January playoff game, you shouldn’t have to ask a doctor where your baby’s eyes are.

[Expectant mom and dad sit on a living room couch]

Expectant Dad: I’m excited about being a dad. But also a little nervous. That last thing I need to worry about is the low quality of the ultrasound image. That’s why we made sure our Ob/Gyn had the new Veritas Ultrasound HD monitor.

Expectant Mom: [uneasy] We also made sure he was a good doctor.

Veritas Representative: With 1080p display resolution and a flat panel liquid crystal screen you’ll be saying goodbye to blurry shapes and fuzzy lines. With Veritas you’re not gonna need some doctor to tell you if its a boy or a girl.

[Expectant dad points to the fetus groin on the HD screen]

Expectant Dad: Now, that’s a penis!

Veritas Representative: The Ultrasound HD is the only ultrasound with picture-in-picture option.

[Expectant dad and the Ob/Gyn are enjoying an action movie on the big HD screen while the expectant mom watches the tiny picture-in-picture image of the baby]

Expectant Dad: Whoa! That comes in handy when you want to watch a movie in the doctor’s office.

Expectant Mom: [angry] You don’t watch a movie in the doctor’s office.[she takes the TV remote and changes the fetus image for the big HD screen and the action movie to the tiny-picture-in-picture]

Ob/Gyn: Hey.

Expectant Dad: [looking at the picture-in-picture option] Oh, here we go.

Veritas Representative: And as the official ultrasound of the NFL Veritas offers the future fan option which shows you what your unborn child looks like in the helmet of your favorite team.

[The big HD screen shows the fetus wearing a football helmet. The NFL logo is at the bottom right of the screen]

Expectant Dad: Now that’s something to celebrate!

Expectant Mom: I’m just happy the baby’s healthy.

Expectant Dad: That too.

[Big HD screen shows an explosion from the action flick]

Expectant Dad: Who said having a baby couldn’t be exciting?!

Expectant Mom: [fed up] No one said that.

Announcer: Veritas Ultrasound H D.

[fade] [cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 13th, 2007

Jon Bon Jovi

Foo Fighters

None

Richie Sambora

Jack Nicholson

Liz Cackowski

Steve Higgins

Amy Poehler’s HouseSummary: In 1986, Jon Bon Jovi jumps out of a poster to offer words of condolence to a teenaged Amy Poehler.

Transcript

Montage

Jon Bon Jovi’s MonologueSummary: Audience members (Liz Cackowski, Srteve Higgins) are less-than-enthused that Jon Bon Jovi is hosting the show and not performing his music, but Richie Sambora manages to coax him into performing “Lost Highway” with their band.

Bio: Jon Bon Jovi (1962-). Musician; lead singer and founder of hard rock band Bon Jovi since 1983; founded Arena Football League team Philadelphia Soul with Richie Sambora in 2004.

Bio: Richie Sambora (1959-). Musician; lead guitarist of Bon Jovi since 1983; married to actress Heather Locklear, 1994-2007.

Note: Jon Bon Jovi has to assist Richie Sambora with his line when he can’t make out the words on the cue card.

Transcript

Ohhhhh!Summary: The game show by guys from New Jersey for guys from New Jersey.

A Visit with Former Vice-President Al GoreSummary: Recent Nobel Prize recipient Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) shows off the many other awards and trophies he has won recently.

Recurring Characters: Al Gore.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg is the master of comic violence in “People Getting Punched Just Before Eating.”

Transcript

Postseason ’07Summary: Dane Cook (Jason Sudeikis) is the unlikely spokesman for Major League Baseball.

Transcript

La Revista Della TelevisioneSummary: Fast-talking Italian talk show host Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews Jon Bon Jovi.

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Anticipating a potential writer’s strike, NBC employee Rosa Santiago (Maya Rudolph) practices a few news jokes. Josh Drimmer (Andy Samberg), the naked guy from Times Square, wanders onto the Weekend Update set. Political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) scours for jokes in newspaper headlines.

Foo Fighters perform “The Pretender”First Performed: 95g.

Where’s My Purse?Summary: In outer space, Captain Wallace (Kristen Wiig) is ready to sacrifice mission when her purse up and disappears.

Transcript

Postseason ’07 IISummary: Dane Cook (Jason Sudeikis) is still the unlikely spokesman for Major League Baseball.

Transcript

Notre Dame Football on NBCNote: This ad parody was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes.

What To Call The BandSummary: In Sayreville, New Jersey, 1984, Jon Bon Jovi is relentless with his suggestion that the band should name themselves after him instead of going with something unique like “Natural Disaster.”

IconoclastsSummary: Two great minds — Björk (Kristen Wiig) and Charles Barkeley (Kenan Thompson) — spend an afternoon together at the Cheesecake Factory.

Recurring Characters: Björk.

Transcript

Goodnights / Bon Jovi performs “Who Says You Can’t Go Home?”First Performed: 92j.

Transcript

]]>

Desk PhotosSummary: While making deliveries, UPS drivers (Kenan Thompson, Jon Bon Jovi) make comments about the framed photos on the desk of office workers.

Maybelline For Men OnlySummary: There’s no need to question the authenticity of the product, because it says it’s “For Men Only” right there on the box.

Note: This ad parody will air on the episode hosted by Brian Williams.

BlackwaterSummary: A talk show for military officers.

Go AheadSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) makes distracting hand gestures as another man (Jon Bon Jovi) comes to him for help.

Baseball PromoSummary: George Carlin (Fred Armisen) discusses the intials of various baseball teams.

Recurring Characters: George Carlin.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Amy Poehler’s House

…..Amy Poehler
…..Jon Bon Jovi

[ open on exterior, Amy Poehler’s house. Screen reads: “Amy Poehler’s House, Burlington, MA, 1986.” This sketch is performed with a heavy Boston accent. ]

Amy Poehler: “Dear diary. Mark it down: October 13, 1986 is officially the worst day of my life! Everything is wicked bad and it sucks. School’s a nightmare.” [Amy uses hairspray for several seconds] “Today, I got my period on the balance beam, and nobody told me and everybody saw. Now everybody’s calling me Lamey Poehler. And my mom found my beer in the laundry hamper, and now she won’t let me go to Worcester Center to see Bon Jovi with opening act Cinderella! Now my dream of Jon Bon Jovi seeing me in the crowd and taking me away from this miserable life is ruined! I gotta get my hair higher!”

[Amy uses two cans of hairspray; she uses so much that she passes out, then sees Jon Bon Jovi, dressed in ’80s leather with his trademark long hair, come to life from her poster; the audience applauds uproariously]

Jon Bon Jovi: Amy…Amy…

Amy Poehler: Oh my god, are you freaking serious?! Jon Bon Jovi just came out of my poster! Oh my god, what are you doing here? You have a show tonight! [Jon hugs Amy]

Jon Bon Jovi: Don’t worry, that can wait. You’re upset!

Amy Poehler: No one understands me! I’m afraid my life is gonna suck, even when I’m wicked old, like 30! Don’t even get me started on boys.

Jon Bon Jovi: Ah, boys can be tricky…

Amy Poehler: Yeah, tell me about it. I made out with Kevin Parker, then he told everybody that I smell like Doritos.

Jon Bon Jovi: Look, I’m here to tell you that everything is going to be okay.

Amy Poehler: That’s easy for you to say…you’re Jon Bon Jovi!

Jon Bon Jovi: Hey, growing up was hard for me too! [Amy kisses his hand] Let me tell you a story about Jon Francis Bon Jovi Jr. He wore orthopedic shoes and played the French horn. He was another fat kid who couldn’t stop eating hogies, so everybody in the neighborhood called him Johnny Meatballs. Everything sucked for him too until he threw down that French horn and picked up his guitar. You gotta follow your heart! You gotta find that dream. You have any big dreams, Amy?

Amy Poehler: Yeah. I got some pretty big dreams. I don’t wanna just shop at the Limited, I wanna work at the Limited! And at night, I wanna have people over for beers at my apartment that I rent.

Jon Bon Jovi: Okay! But what do you really love to do?

Amy Poehler: Well, I kinda like acting. I did a monologue at the 8th grade recital and it got a lot of laughs.

Jon Bon Jovi: That’s good!

Amy Poehler: …it was from The Diary of Anne Frank.

Jon Bon Jovi: Amy, have a seat. Now listen closely because I got something for you. 20 years from now, you’re gonna be a castmember on Saturday Night Live, and I’m gonna be the host! Does that blow your mind or what?

Amy Poehler: Wait, you’re gonna be the host?

Jon Bon Jovi: Yeah!

Amy Poehler: Oh…no…okay…that makes sense.

Jon Bon Jovi: Amy, don’t worry. Your future? It rocks.

Amy Poehler: In the future, is Bon Jovi still around?

Jon Bon Jovi: [Looks at camera and grins] Yes Amy, in the future, Bon Jovi is still around. [Audience applauds]

Amy Poehler: Oh my god!

Jon Bon Jovi: Listen, Amy, I gotta go, I have a gig to go to.

Amy Poehler: Wait! Jon Bon Jovi! In the future, am I ever gonna get boobs!

Jon Bon Jovi: …you just keep working on that personality.

Amy Poehler: Okay, but and then boobs?

Jon Bon Jovi: You’re gonna have a great set of personality.

Amy Poehler: Wait! Before you go back into the poster, when will I see you again?

Jon Bon Jovi: I’ll see you October 13, 2007. I’ll look the same, but my hair’s gonna be cut.

Amy Poehler: Wait! Your hair’s gorgeous! Let me take a picture to tell everybody–[Jon goes back into poster] Oh my god! Dear diary! I have a new dream! One day, I’m gonna look in a camera, and I’m gonna scream: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Submitted by: Joe Murray

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Postseason ’07

Dane Cook…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Dane Cook ]

Dane Cook: [ manic ] The 2007 Play-offs! It all comes down to — [ points his fingers down ] THIS! Red Sox versus Indians! It’s like the French-Indian War! But, instead of the French, it’s BASEBALL PLAYERS! From Boston: you got Josh Beckett! Curt Schilling! Daisuke Matsuzaka! But, against the Indians, they’re gonna need more than blankets with smallpox! They’re gonna need baseball hits! Just ask C.C. Sabathia! This C.C.’s not a Music Factory — he’s the PITCHING FACTORY!! Adn the only reservation these Indians care about.. is a reservation.. for the World Series! Ther’s only ONE Play-offs! They’re only ONE October! And there’s only ONE logical spokesman for baseball: DANE COOK! [ gives the Super-Finger ] [ cut to graphic: “Postseason ’07. There’s only one October. actober.com” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Postseason ’07 II

Dane Cook…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Dane Cook ]

Dane Cook: [ manic ] The NLCS! It all comes down to — [ points his fingers down ] THIS! Nine games! five innings! One strike! It’s the Colorado Rockies versus the Arizona D-Backs! Arizona’s goal? Scoring goals! Baseball goals! Brandon Webb — [ points fingers in Spiderman pose ] schoom! Spiderman reference! And there’s probably a player named Ramirez! Meanwhile, the Rockies haven’t been this good since thye beat Hulk Hogan and Mr. T in the same movie! Todd Helton shouldn’t have a batting average — he should have a batting outstanding! The Diamondbacks versus the Colorado Rockies — I’m pretty sure one of them’s a hockey team! Which one? You’ll have to watch to find out! ‘Cause there’s twenty guys on the field, but there’s only ONE baseball Grammy! There’s only ONE October, and there are 300 of these promos! [ gives the Super-Finger ] [ cut to graphic: “Postseason ’07. There’s only one October. actober.com” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Goodnights / Bon Jovi performs “Who Says You Can’t Go Home?”

…..Jack Nicholson
…..Jon Bon Jovi
…..Bon Jovi

Jack Nicholson: Once again — Jon Bon Jovi!

[ Pan over to the next stage ]

Jon Bon Jovi: – I wnt to thank Lorne, Marcy, and Steve for letting me be here! Who says you can’t go hooooome?!

Bon Jovi: [ singing ]“I spent 20 years trying to get out of this place
I was looking for something I couldn’t replace
I was running away from the only thing I’ve ever known.
Just like a blind dog without a bone
I was a gypsy lost in the twilight zone
I hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold.
I been there, done that, I ain’t lookin’ back on the seeds I’ve sown
Saving dimes, spending too much time on the telephone.
Who says you can’t go home?

Who says you can’t go home?There’s only one place they call me one of their own
Just a hometown boy, born a rolling stone.
Who says you can’t go home?Who says you can’t go back?
Been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There’s only one place left I want to go.
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright!

I went as far as I could, I tried to find a new face
There isn’t one of these lines I would erase
I lived a million miles of memories on that road.
With every step I take I know I’m not alone
You take the home from the boy, but not the boy from his home
These are my streets, the only life I’ve ever known.
who says you can’t go home?

Who says you can’t go home?There’s only one place they call me one of their own
Just a hometown boy, born a rolling stone.
Who says you can’t go home?Who says you can’t go back?
Been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There’s only one place left I want to go.
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright!
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright!

It doesn’t matter where you are, it doesn’t matter where you go
If it’s a million miles aways or just a mile up the road
Take it in, take it with you when you go.
who says you can’t go home?

Who says you can’t go back?
Been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There’s only one place left I want to go.
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright!
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, its alright
Who says you can’t go home?
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, its alright
Who says you can’t go home?”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Iconoclasts

Charles Barkeley….Kenan Thompson
Björk….Kristen Wiig
Announcer: Amy Poehler

Caption: Sundance Channel Original

Announcer: Up next on the Sundance Channel.

[Montage of famous people’s faces. Maya Angelou, hotdog eating champ Kobayashi, tennis pro Federer, one ofthe Golden Girls, The Pope, Dennis Miller]

Announcer: Music, art, ideas, soft expressions, faces,insights, connections, laughter. Iconoclasts.

Caption: Iconoclasts.

Announcer: The show that brings together the mostfascinating and controversial minds. This week on Iconoclasts.

Caption: Björk. Musician.

[Weird music icon Björk sits at a table, bubbles float around]

Björk: In my dreams my fingers are made of butter.

[Ex-NBA great Charles Barkeley sits and is in mid-conversation]

Charles Barkeley:…and I was like “I don’t even care,cause its not my car”, wait. What show is this?

Announcer: Iconoclasts.

Caption: Björk and Charles Barkeley

[Camera splits with photos of Björk and Charles Barkeley faces]

Announcer: Watch sparks fly as two great minds meet for the first time.

Caption: Sparks. Great minds. First time.

[Charles and Björk share a table at The Cheesecake Factory]

Björk: Hello, Charles Barkeley. Would you like to hold my invisible baby?

Charles Barkeley: Is this for real?

[Camera split, photo of Björk and Charles]

Announcer: An intimate discussion where no subject is off limits.

Caption: Intimate discussion. No subject. Off limits.

[Charles and Björk stare at each other, not a word]

Announcer: Two visionaries having the kind ofconversation you could take a long bath in.

Caption: Visionaries. Conversation. Bath.

[Björk holds up a menu]

Björk: Look, Charles Barkeley. I have a magic book.

Charles Barkeley: Girl, that’s a menu. You’ve never been to the Cheesecake Factory?

Björk: Look! It’s snowing!

[Björk throws sugar up in the air. Hides her shy smile with her hands]

Charles Barkeley: Damn, you’re like Dennis Rodman if he was a tiny white lady.

Announcer: When great minds collide anything can happen.

Caption: Great minds. Anything can happen.

Charles Barkeley:[looks at menu]Everything is good atthe Cheesecake Factory. Let me see. That’s good, thisis good, this is it right here—I want that. Oh, Thailettuce wraps? Yes, please! He, he, he.

Björk: Do they have cheesecake?[hides her shy smile]

Charles Barkeley: Ha, ha, ha! Oh, “Bork”. You are priceless.

Announcer: Two humans with mouths making noises that are words.

Caption: Humans. Mouths. Noises that are words.

[Charles is dumping the contents of Björk’s plate unto his]

Björk: Charles, do you think humans are just trees made of skin?

Charles Barkeley:[going along with it]Yeah. Come one,”Bork”. Let’s go watch the tv’s at Best Buy!

Björk: Ok.

Charles Barkeley: Cool. Did you drive?

Björk:[holds up bike wheel]I brought my wheel.

Charles Barkeley: Shotgun!

[They leave]

Announcer: Iconoclasts. Only on the Sundance Channel.

Caption: Sundance Channel on Universal HD.

[Scene fades] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Jon Bon Jovi’s Monologue

…..Jon Bon Jovi
Female Audience Member…..Liz Cackowski
Male Audience Member…..Steve Higgims
…..Richie Sambora

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jon Bon Jovi!

Jon Bon Jovi: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be back on “Saturday Night Live”! You know, me and the guys have been musical guests here three times before, but, uh — tonight, I’m here as your host. [ audience cheers ] For once, I don’t have to sing for my supper —

Female Audience Member: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Uh — does that mean that you — you won’t be — singing?

Jon Bon Jovi: That’s right, dear. Tonight, I’m just the host. I’m here for the comedy aspect of, uh — you know — the show.

Female Audience Member: Oh. Okay. Well —

Jon Bon Jovi: The Foo Fighters are here.

Female Audience Member: Huh. Well, this should be fun.

Jon Bon Jovi: Look, uh — uh — uh — I’m sorry about the singing part, but tonight it’s just about the acting, you know?

Male Audience Member: Right, right! Because who wants to see Jon Bon Jovi sing? I want to see Jon Bon Jovi act! This’ll be the greatest night of my life! [ grabs the woman seated next to him ] Let’s go. [ he waves to Jon Bon Jovi before leaving ]

Jon Bon Jovi: Why do I always have to sing? Why can’t I, just for once, be the host of “Saturday Night Live”?

Voice: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I got a question!

[ Cut to reveal Richie Sambora, guitar strapped around his body, waving his hand from among the audience. The audience cheers his presence. ]

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes?

Richie Sambora: Don’t we have a new album?

Jon Bon Jovi: Yes. Yes. Any other questions?

Richie Sambora: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.. hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on! [ he stares straight ahead, begins to laugh lightly ] I’ve lost my —

Jon Bon Jovi: Any other questions?

Richie Sambora: Hey, hey, hey, hey! [ still struggling to find his line on the cue card ]

Jon Bon Jovi: [ helping him ] Did I ever consider your feelings?

Richie Sambora: Ah! “Did you ever consider my feelings?” Did you ever consider the band’s feelings?

[ The audience cheers the on-air gaffe, as Sambora laughs along with them ]

Jon Bon Jovi: As a matter of fact, I DID, Richie Sambora! Why don’t we do what we do BEST, right here, right now? Lordy! Help me go to the stage, gentle person!

[ Together, they cross over to the adjacent stage, as the other members of Bon Jovi start up the song “Lost Highway” ]

Bon Jovi: [ singing ]“In my rearview mirror
My life is getting clearer
The sunset sighs and slowly disappears.
These trinkets once were the treasure
Life changes like the weather
You grow up, grow old, or hit the road ’round here.
So I drive, watching white lines passing by
With my plastic dashboard Jesus, waiting there to greet us.

Hey, hey, I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas, there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway.
I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
Out on this open road
It’s Independence Day on this lost highway.

Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!

I don’t know where I’m going
But I know where I’ve been
And I’m afraid of going back again.
Still I drive, years and miles are flying by
And waiting there to great us
Is my plastic dashboard Jesus.

Hey, hey, I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas, there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway.
I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
Out on this open road
It’s Independence Day on this lost highway.

Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!

Oh, patron saint of lonely souls
Tell this boy which way to go
Guide this car, you got the keys
Farewell to mediocrity.
Kicking off the cruise-control
And turning up the radio
Got just enough religion
And a half-a-tank of gas — come on, let’s go!

I finally found my way
Say goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas, there ain’t no brakes on this lost highway.
I’m busting loose, I’m letting go
Out on this open road
It’s Independence Day on this lost highway.

Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!

On this lost highway.”

Jon Bon Jovi: Alright, we’ve got a great show! Foo Fighters are here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

Where’s My Purse?

Computer Voice…..Paula Pell
First Officer Belton…..Will Forte
Captain Wallace…..Kristen Wiig
Crew member 1…..Maya Rudolph
Crew member 2…..Fred Armisen
Blorax…..Jon Bon Jovi
Crew member 3…..Bill Hader
Alien 1…..Kenan Thompson
Alien 2…..Andy Samberg

Computer Voice: Captain’s Deck, stand by.

First Officer Belton: Captain’s Deck standing by.

Computer Voice: First Officer Belton and Captain Wallace, please enter your access codes for coordinates.

First Officer Belton: Ah, Captain Wallace isn’t here right now, I don’t know where she is.

Computer Voice: Can not proceed without Captain’s code. End of transmission.

First Officer Belton: Oh, where is she? [ Captain Wallace comes in ] Captain, where have you been?

Captain Wallace: Um, just, everywhere!

First Officer Belton: Are you OK?

Captain Wallace: No! No I’m not! This is a disaster.

First Officer Belton: Well what’s wrong Captain?

Captain Wallace: I can’t find my purse!

First Officer Belton: Your purse?

Captain Wallace: My purse. I, I had it! And I, I know I had my purse earlier Today cause I paid for my breakfast which I don’t understand why we have to do. And I had it, and I, I don’t think anyone would take it.

First Officer Belton: Oh, I’m sure it will turn up, listen we’re very close to enemy territory we need your access codes to chart a new course

Captain Wallace: Yes, of course

Computer Voice: Please enter access codes. [ they do ]

Captain Wallace: I mean purses don’t just sprout up little purse legs and walk away. That was my favorite purse. I’m upset! Where’s my purse?

First Officer Belton: Maybe you should make an anouncement, you’ll feel better.

Captain Wallace: That’s a good idea! That’s a good idea. [ into intercom ] Attention everyone on the ship.

[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 in another part of the ship ]

Captain Wallace: [ over intercom ] It’s your Captain, Captain Wallace here. Oh my god!

[ crew member 1 & 2 look up concerned – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]

Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] Oh I’ve got some terrible news. I, I have lost my purse.

[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 looking at each other confused – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]

Captain Wallace: And I just, I just, I don’t know where it is. I can’t find it. I had it and now I don’t have it. If anyone has seen it or if they saw me with it earlier, I just, I don’t know. It’s black. This is just, I don’t know, OK, just keep your eyes open. I love you guys. OK?

First Officer Belton: OK Captain we need to focus!

Captain Wallace: Yes.

First Officer Belton: Oh, I think someone is hailing us.

Captain Wallace: I really don’t think I can talk to anyone right now.

First Officer Belton: We are on a spaceship, ok? You’ll find it, there are only so many places it can be!

Captain Wallace: You’re right. Put them on the screen. I’m sorry.

Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] Ha ha ha foolish humans!

First Officer Belton: Oh no it’s Blorax!

Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] Ha ha ha ha yes it is me! And I assume you realise you’ve entered my Blorinian Territory. You know the consequences for violating interstellar law don’t you.

First Officer Belton: [ to Blorax ] It was a mistake, we’ve had some problems with are system and a…. [ to captain Wallace ] Captain?!

Captain Wallace: [ to herself ] So last night did I put it over my shoulder before I put my jacket on? I don’t remember.

First Officer Belton: Captain?!

Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] I take your ambivalence as an invitation for us to seize your ship!

First Officer Belton: Captain, do something!

Captain Wallace: [ to Officer Belton ] I’m sorry! [ to Blorax ] I’m sorry ah, we came where we wern’t sposed to go. Blorax, you are not gonna believe this day that I’ve had,. just ask Officer Belton.

First Officer Belton: She lost her purse.

Captain Wallace: it was black, Blorax, it held everything….

Blorax: [ on viewscreen ] SILENCE! We’ve already boarded your ship. Prepare for destruction. Ha ha ha ha ha….

Crew Member 3: [ runs in ] Captain, aliens have boarded the ship and they… [ alien 1 runs up behind crew member 3 and shoots him ] ah, man! [ dies ]

Alien 1: [ runs over and grabs First Officer Belton ] If you do not hand over your ships control to Blorax bbbbrrrrllll your crew will perish.

First Officer Belton: Captain leave me, save the others!

Captain Wallace: Oh my god!

First Officer Belton: It’s ok! Save yourself!

Captain Wallace: Oh my god! I just remembered where my purse is! Oh my god! That’s right I put it right here on the floor when I put my jacket on! It’s right here! Oh my god! I found my purse! Oh my god! Oh my god! It’s right here!

[ takes out a tiny gun and shoots alien 1 ]

Alien 1: Ow, my face! [ dies ]

First Officer Belton: Oh my god! Captain, you saved me, Ma’am! Quick, we gotta get out of Blorinian Terratory

Captain Wallace: Hold on one second. [ into intercom ] Attention everybody! Oh god, I know things are a little crazy right now, alot of you are fighting and or dieing. I just wanted to let everyone know they can stop looking for my purse. Guess what? I found it!

[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 being strangled by alien 2 – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]

Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] I found my purse! My purse was in here!

First Officer Belton: Captain hurry, we don’t have much time!

Captain Wallace: Oh my god! You are not gonna believe this! I was gonna leave my purse here! The purse I’ve been looking for all day, I was gonna leave without — I’ve gotta tell everybody about this! [ into intercom ] Everybody, you are not gonna believe what just happened. A crazy day just got crazier! My god, this is hilarious!

[ cut to crew member 1 & 2 dead – then cut back to Captain’s Deck ]

Captain Wallace: [ into intercom ] I almost left my purse again! Can you beleive it? Oh my god, I was getting ready to get in the escape pod and I was gonna leave my purse here! My purse that I was looking for all day! I can’t believe that! It was just sitting right there and I was gonna walk off without it

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Ken Toops

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 33: Episode 3

07c: Jon Bon Jovi / Foo Fighters

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Sandberg
…..Will Forte
…..Dave Grohl
…..Taylor Hawkins
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Jon Bon Jovi

Caption: An SNL Digital Short. People Getting Punched Just Before Eating.

[Techno music beat plays throughout the short] [A senior citizen with white hair is getting ready fora snack on a park bench. Andy runs in a punches him in the face]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy does a tough guy pose. Jumps up and downcelebrating. Old man touches his jaw and watches himenjoying himself] [Will Forte is about to have a slice of pizza on acity sidewalk. Goes for a bite and Andy punches him inthe face knocking him down]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy gives a thumbs up and dances wildly] [Young guy and middle age man talk on a city street.Young guy peels a banana and Andy flies in and puncheshim in the face. Knocks him out]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy celebrates, jumps around, grabs middle age manhands and dances with him overjoyed] [Foo Fighters singer Dave Grohl is sitting on acafeteria table reading a newspaper. His drummerTaylor Hawkins sits next to him ready to have somelunch. Andy punches Taylor in the face, knocks himout. Dave keeps reading his paper]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy celebrates and leaves. Dave notices some frenchfries on Taylor’s tray. Picks some up and Andy fliesback in and punches him in the face, knocks him out]

Caption: DOUBLE PUNCHED!

[Andy celebrates, makes heavy metal signs with hisfingers] [Jon Bon Jovi is ready to have a light salad in the TVstudio break room. Andy punches him in the face, knocks him down]

Caption: JOVI PUNCH!

[Jon Bon Jovi gets up playing an electric guitar, points at the camera]

Caption: FULL RECOVERY

[Jason Sudeikis is about to bite into a burger andAndy goes to punch him out. A cell phone interruptsand Jason picks it up. Andy backs off. Jason ends thecall, goes for a bite of his burger and Andy punches him in the face]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy celebrates]

[Guy eating a salad is punched, knocked out]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Guy eating an apple is punched, knocked out]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Guy eating potato chips is punched, knocked out]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Businesswoman eats hot dog is punched, knocked out]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Will Forte goes for another slice of pizza, looks toboth sides careful to not being punched again. He hasa black eye. Andy appears and Will is ready to defendhimself. Andy backs off. Will goes for his slice ofpizza. Andy slowly emerges from behind Will andgarrotte’s him to death. Andy dances around]

Caption: [flashing] MURDER!

[Andy punches guy ready to eat, ko’s him]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy punches guy sitting on a stoop, ko’s him]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy punches black girl eating Chinese, ko’s her]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy punches Fred Armisen while he reads a paper]

Caption: PUNCHED!

[Andy smiles for the camera and holds up a severedarm. Drops the arm horrified. Fred has turned into azombie, he growls] [Horror music plays] [The punched out victims have turned into zombies andare moving towards Andy. Andy is scared and runs. Heruns past the Eiffel Tower in Paris, zombies followhim. Runs past the Mount Rushmore Monument, zombies follow in hot pursuit]

[Techno music resumes] [Andy and the zombies dances in front of a Indianpalace, probably the Taj Mahal]

Caption: ZOMBIE DANCE

[Andy and the zombies dance. 1,2,3,4, 1,2,3,4 1,2,3,4]

Caption: BELIEVE IN YOUR DREAMS

[Andy smiles big for the camera] [Scene goes to black] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts