Kanye West: [ singing ] “I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to What I had to do, had to run from you I’m in love with you, but the vibe is wrong And that haunted me, all the way home So ya never know, never never know Never know enough, ’til it’s over love ‘Til we lose control, system overload Screamin’ no no no, no no I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to See I wanna move, but can’t escape from you So I keep it low, keep a secret code So everybody else don’t have to know
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down You keep ya love locked down, you lose
I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to I can’t keep my cool, so I keep it true I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move I can’t keep myself, and still keep you too So I keep in mind, when I’m on my own Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone How many times did I take ’til I finally got through you lose, you lose I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to See I had to go, see I had to move No more wastin’ time, you can’t wait for life which is wastin’ time, where’s the finish line
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down You keep ya love locked down, you lose
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to I met no one new, I got no one new I know I said I’m through, but got love for you But I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to Gotta keep it goin’, keep the lovin’ goin’ Keep it on a roll, only God knows If I be with you, baby I’m confused You choose, you choose I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to Where I want to go, I don’t need you I’ve been down this road, too many times before I’m not lovin’ you, the way I wanted to
So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down Keepin ya love locked down, you lose So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down If you keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down Keepin ya love locked down, you lose.”
(Opens with an office meeting. Some employees sitting in a conference room. Tom is the boos, he stands at the head of the table. A gloomy mood is in the room)
Tom: (worried) Good afternoon everyone. You´ve been working extra hard these past months. Appreciate you coming in. There´s coffee and the….Philadelphia branch sent over cookies, so help yourselves…
Employee 1: Tom, what´s all this about? We´re hearing a lot of rumors about layoffs.
Lisa: Yeah, I got an e-mail. It freaked me out a little.
Tom: Yeah, well there´s gonna be some serious changes starting tomorrow.
(Marcus is on the opposite of the table but he reaches to the plate of cookies, almost laying his whole body on the table to get them, eats cookie)
Employee 1: How serious are we talking here?
Tom: I´m hearing they might be shutting down whole departments.
Employee 1: I knew it, I knew it.
Employee 2: I told you, I told you.
Marcus: Oh, awesome. Sorry. (reaches for more cookies)
Lisa: Tom, what about us? Are we going to lose our jobs?
Tom: I don´t know, Lisa. This whole year is full of surprises.
Employee 3: Oh, man. The holidays are coming up.
Employee 2: The worst were to happen, we still get a severance package, right?
Tom: Of course, well, I mean I´m assuming so.
Marcus: (eating cookies, like nothing is happening) Um, my last one. Don´t tell my trainer, he´s gonna kill me. Our little cookie secret.
Employee 3: I don´t understand how they could not give us 3 weeks notice.
Marcus: Yes.
Employee 1: Yeah, tell me about it. Is that asking too much?
Tom: I know, I know. Its been tough on me too, guys.
Marcus: Sorry, guys. (Laying across the table to get the cookies) I´m a cookie mouse.
Tom: Marcus, you want to move the cookie tray to you? Would that make it easier?
Marcus: No. I´m done. But somebody should arrest this cookie company for cookie-cide.
Employee 2: I can´t believe this is happening.
Tom: I´m sorry everybody. This whole nightmare just landed on my desk this morning.
Employee 4: Not your fault. Everyone is going through it.
Marcus:(taking more cookies) Is anyone gonna have this? The butter strippy ones…
Tom:(upset) Marcus!
Marcus: Uh-huh?
Tom: You may want to pay attention to what´s going on! Your department, Internet sales, is one of our biggest expenses!
Marcus: I wish I could stop. Should put a security guard for cookie patrol. (eats cookie)
Employee 1: Marcus, enough! You understand the gravity of what´s going on here?
Lisa: Will you stop pretending you can´t control yourself? Just eat the damn cookies!
Marcus:(settles in the middle of the table) Don´t have to tell me twice.(eats cookies) Its got almonds in it, that one. (the group watches in disbelief) I think its dark chocolate. (eats more cookies) I´m bad. Gonna have to take me to cookie court. Guilty as charged, your honor. Cookie crimes.(bites into cookie) Oh, orange peel, orange peel. There´s ginger in it too.
(Another employee enters the conference room)
Employee 5: Afternoon. (looks at Marcus on the table eating cookies) Are you eating those cookies?
Marcus: Yeah. Is there a problem?
Employee 5: Well, they´re a prototype from the Gogolex Corporation. They´re not cookies at all. They´re stool softeners.
Marcus: I have a question. Which is closer, the men´s room or the ladies?
Employee 1: Get out this way, get out this way. (points towards door)
(Marcus leaves but turns and takes one last cookie before leaving again)
Marcus: Excuse me.
(Conference room is silent for a few seconds, employee 1´s hand slowly creeps towards the plate of cookies)
Emcee….Jason Sudeikis Aunt Jonie….Michaela Watkins David Culhane….Andy Samberg Tina Culhane….Abby Elliott Bob Kemp….Hugh Laurie Gayle….Kristen Wiig Ex-Boyfriend….Fred Armisen Friend of a cousin….Will Forte Obnoxious guy….Bobby Moynihan
(Opens with a sign announcing a wedding. Banquet Hall B. Culhane Wedding. Cut to the wedding. A 50 ish woman with thick eyeglasses makes a toast to the newly married couple Tina and David)
Aunt Jonie: (mic in hand) …and I know you just think of me as your crazy aunt Jonie, heh! But I just, I just wanna say that David and Tina, I´m so happy that you have found each other because you deserve nothing but happiness. And I love you guys. (raises glass)
All: Awwwwww.
(Emcee is a young guy in a tuxedo)
Emcee: (gets the mic back) That´s very nice. Very, very nice. All right, we have had a long, long night of toasts that seems like everyone had something to say, tonight. But we´re gonna move on and now its time to get up and boogie. So we´re gonna– (a man with unkempt hair and a cheap suit whispers on the emcee´s ear) Oh, what did you say? (more whispering) Absolutely, sure. Yes, ok, one last toast. Final toast, here we go.
(Emcee gives the mic to Bob)
Bob Kemp: I´m sure a lot of you know me. I´m Bob Kemp. I have been friends with Tina´s dad for, uh, how long has it been? Gus? How long has it been? Nick? How long has it been? How long has it been? Steven? Kevin? How long has it been? How long has it been? I´ll be back.
(gives mic to the emcee)
Emcee: Ok, all right. That was great. Ok,(a young long-haired dude steps up to the emcee) Last toast, last toast.(gives the guy the mic)
Ex-boyfriend: Yeah. So, Tina look, we ended bad. Yes, that´s right, ex-boyfriend to the bride at the wedding! Congratulations. David seems to have a lot of money. You know, uh, Tina I was thinking about the last time we had sex. Something wasn´t right. I don´t mean physically, physically… physically was great. (newlyweds are uncomfortable) So passionate, so glorious, so inventive. It was always great. We never had a problem in that department. But we´ve all moved on. I moved on and sure I still think about you when I make love and I´m sure you do too. So, uh, have fun.
(Ex gives mic back to emcee)
Emcee: Ok, great. There we go, wow, ok so…the toasts are now officially—(a woman with an oxygen tank and tubes down her nose goes to the emcee) Hi.
(emcee gives her the mic)
Gayle: Hey. (breaths heavy into the mic) My name is Gayle. The boss of the groom. I was not invited to this wedding and I do not have a ride home. In fact if anyone has a car that will fit me and my oxygen tank, we´re in business. Ugh, I have to pee so bad! I gotta end this speech now.
(hands back mic to emcee)
Emcee: Ok, great. All right, ok, thank you Gayle. Ok, so now its time to go dancing…(Bob comes back) Yeah, ok sure. This is it. No more after this. (emcee gives him the mic)
Bob Kemp: Ok, I think I figured it out. I believe Tina´s dad and me been friends for 32 years. I came to this number because I had a Corvette for 1967, 1968. Then I got a Datsun, I must´ve had that Datsun until…let´s say 1974. (emcee walks behind him desperate, hands in his head) Then came the Fiat, well anyway, I met Dave in between the Datsun and the Corvette. No, it was before the Corvette. Or was it the beetle? Ok, I´ll be back.
(Emcee gets the mic, losing patience)
Emcee: Ok, uh, all right. Thank you. Ok, now we only got 15 minutes left to dance…(a guy snatches the mic off the emcee´s hands)
Obnoxious guy: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-at?! (drops mic to the floor, causing feedback, walks away)
(emcee picks mic up)
Emcee: What the hell is that? Sorry about that. I don´t know who that is. (a guy with blond hair and silver sunglasses walks up to the emcee) Oh, (whispers to the guy) You´re killing me, you´re killing me. Ok, here we go. Final one.
(emcee gives him the mic)
Friend of a cousin: I´m a friend of a cousin. This is such a great, great time for love. Why wouldn´t it be? It´s winter time. Chestnuts are roasting as they say. Its also the dawn of a new political era. And I think a great mistake´s been made with this Obama. But love endures, love heals, love will help tamper the effects of putting a black man in Office. Love abides, love abides. To the two of you, a great couple. A great white couple. I wish you the best. I wish you put simply, love.
(emcee close by to end it)
Emcee: Love, love. All right.
(Bob gets the mic back. Emcee is furious with himself)
Bob Kemp: Ok, I got it, I got it. It was 27 years, cause I wasn´t factoring in my Dodge Aztec. Which reminded me that I had a Chrysler Le Baron at one point. Which when I look back at all the cars, it is probably the most reliable car I have ever owned. Yeah. So, here´s to the couple. From someone whose been married 7 times. Let me tell you. Keep your books separate.
(Emcee gets the mic back)
Emcee: Ok, great. Ok everybody. Get up now, we´re going over to the dance floor. Time to boogie.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 12 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 10th, 2009 Neil Patrick Harris Taylor Swift None Liza Minnelli None
The Rachel Maddow ShowSummary: Rachel Maddow (Abby Elliott) interviews disgraced former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich (Jason Sudekis) and his Sente appointee, Roland Burris (Kenan Thompson). Recurring Characters: Rod Blagojevich. Transcript
Montage
Neil Patrick Harris’ MonologueSummary: Neil Patrick Harris makes a point-for-point criticism of former child star Fred Savage’s SNL hosting stint in 1990, and is then made the object of poorly-constructed jokes by a group of goofy audience members (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, Bobby Moyhnihan) and Mark Wahlberg (Andy Samberg). Recurring Characters: Mark Wahlberg. Transcript
TodaySummary: The fourth and final hour of “Today” is a train wreck, as co-hosted by chatty Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) and an insufferable Hoda Kotb (Michaela Watkins). Tensions build when they welcom a fitness instructor (Neil Patrick Harris) to the set. Recurring Characters: Kathie Lee Gifford.
Save BroadwaySummary: At Sardi’s, a group of Broadway performers struggle to find a way to keep the faltering economy from preventing the cancellation of their long-running stage shows. Transcript
PenelopeSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups the other members of a gropu therapy session by bragging of her close friendship with Liza Minnelli. Recurring Characters: Penelope, Lou.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Doogie Howser, M.D.” theme song.
Taylor Swift performs “Love Story”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) makes excuses for his latest traffic violation. Will Forte sings a song about the BCS. Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley.
Two First NamesSummary: Neil Patrick Harris welcomes other famous celebrities with two first names, while shunning wanna-bes like Daniel-Day Lewis (Bill Hader). Recurring Characters: David Lee Roth, Jamie Lee Curtis, Daniel-Day Lewis.
Fran & FrebaSummary: Long-nailed air traffic controllers Fran (Neil Patrick Harris) and Freba (Kristen Wiig) gab about co-worker Gil (Will Forte).
Frost/Other Peopleb>Summary: In a trailer for the “Frost/Noxin” sequel, David Frost (Neil Patrick Harris) ineptly interviews a slew of other 70’s-era celebrities with little to hide. Recurring Characters: David Frost, Richard Nixon, David Bowie, David Crosby, Paul Lynde. Transcript
Taylor Swift performs “Forever & Always”
Whopper VirginsSummary: Burger King execs (Neil Patrick Harris, Kristen Wiig) discover immigrants (Bobby Moyhnihan, Michaela Watkins, Fred Armisen) who not only have never eaten a Whopper but are also unable to comprehend its purpose. Transcript
Phantom of the Opera…..Jason Sudeikis Mark from Rent…..Neil Patrick Harris Mr. Mistoffelees…..Bobby Moynihan Music Man…..Bill Hader Wicked Witch…..Michaela Watkins Black Man…..Kenan Thompson Puppeteer…..Abby Elliott Little Orphan Annie…..Taylor Swift Blue Man Group…..Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, Will Forte Chicago Ladies…..Kristen Wiig, Casey Wilson Dude from Stomp…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on Broadway scenery ]
[ newspaper headlines appear on the screen:
“BROADWAY TICKET SALES HIT NEW LOW”
“16 SHOWS TO CLOSE BY FEBRUARY”
“CURTAINS FOR BROADWAY?” ]
[ dissolve to exterior, Sardi’s ]
[ dissolve to interior, where a throng of Broadway characters sit in conference ]
Phantom of the Opera: Can we get settled down? Can we get settled down, please? Okay? [ the room quiets down ] As you know, Broadway is in trouble, and that’s why we’re all here. Now, you all know me — I am the Phantom of the Opera.
Mark: And I’m Mark from “Rent”, the Pulitzer Prize winning musical!
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Unbelievable. Alright, look, guys — we know it’s bad out there, and we are ALL struggling!
Mark: Yeah, and some people are having a hard time paying “Rent”!
Phantom of the Opera: [ groaning ] Please. Don’t do that any more. Okay, first off: is everyone here?
[ reveal the costumes characters in the room ]
Mark: Well, everyone except Jeremy Piven — but I don’t think he has a good excuse.
Phantom of the Opera: Ah, I don’t doubt it. Alright, well, that’s okay. Alright, we need everyone’s best ideas to save Broadway. Alright? So, let’s get started. [ looks into the crowd ] Yes. You.
Mr. Mistoffelees: [ singing ] “Meow, meow, meow, meow!” It is I, the magical Mr. Mistoffelees, and here’s my suggestion: [ he twirls ] We need to feel the wonder!
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Oh, man… oh, you people from “Cats” think you’re so great, you know that? Seriously, you think you’re the Michael Jordan of Broadway.
[ the room expresses their confusion ]
Phantom of the Opera: You guys don’t know who Michael Jordan is?! Guys, he was like the… the… Tommy Tune of basketball!
[ this analogy sparks an ounce of recognition ]
Phantom of the Opera: There you go… there you go. Yeah, that’s right… yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, come on! Alright, guys, who’s next? [ he points ] Alright, what about you, Music Man?
Music Man: [ singing ] “We’ve… got… a… devil, a pickle, put them in two C’s!”
Phantom of the Opera: Uh-huh…
Music Man: [ singing ] “We’ve got to find real jobs, weeeeellll, we’ve… got… trouble! Right here in New York City. I’m talkin’ Trouble with a Capital T, that rhymes with C, And that stands for…” CutCo Knives.
[ he stops to holds out the product ]
Now… just $49.95!
Phantom of the Opera: Okay. Stop! Stop, please! Professor, just stop!
Mark: Hey, for what it’s worth, those knives are amazing. They’re like the “Rent” of knives.
Phantom of the Opera: Ohhhh, cool it.
Wicked Witch: Hey! Can we just stop f-in’ around, okay? Because if “Wicked” closes, I have very limited job options! I mean, look at me!
Mark: Well… you’re green. Maybe you could be in “Shrek: The Musical”.
Wicked Witch: Wow. That’s racist.
Phantom of the Opera: No! No! That’s not racist!
Mark: That’s not racist, lady.
Phantom of the Opera: No, that’s enough! That’s enough, okay? And, for the record, Broadway is an inclusive place. No one… here is racist, okay? Moving on. [ he points ] Yes. You. From “The Color Purple”.
Black Guy: I’m sorry, I’m not “The Color Purple”.
Phantom of the Opera: Okay.
Mark: From “Bring in Da Noise, Bring in Da Funk”?
Black Guy: I — I wrote “Miss Saigon”.
Phantom of the Opera: Eeek! Okay. Uhhh — alright, alright, what’s your idea?
Black Guy: [ meekly ] Isn’t it time we revive “Miss Saigon”?
Puppeteer: Ugh! Are we almost done here?
Phantom of the Opera: What?! Why? Where do you have to be?
Puppeteer: I don’t have to be anywhere, but… [ in puppet voice ] “I need to get to my new job! I give massages behind a Thai place on the Lower East Side! With my mouth!”
Phantom of the Opera: Okay! I get it! I get it. I get it. Thank you.
[ suddenly, Little Orphan Annie stands ]
Little Orphan Annie: Hey, everyone! Why so glum? [ singing ] “The sun will come up… tomorrow!”
Phantom of the Opera: No.
Little Orphan Annie: “Bet your bottom dollar, tomorrow!”
Phantom of the Opera: Annie! Annie! No! Annie, sweetie? Not the time, okay? Please?
Little Orphan Annie: Yeah, watch yourself, Phantom — I’ve had a hard-knock life, okay? Someone stands up to me, I BREAK them!
Phantom of the Opera: Alright… okay. Guys! Come on, okay? We’re creative people! We just need ONE good idea!Anyone! Anyone at all! Blue Man Group?
[ Blue Man Group taps a tune on a plastic pipe ]
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Aw, man. You know, sometimes you guys can be a bunch of blue dicks.
Mark: [ excited ] Hey! What about the ladies from “Chicago”?
[ the two ladies from “Chicago” stands and perform a quick routine before returning to their seats ]
Phantom of the Opera: [ shaking his head ] Not helpful. Not helpful at all. What about you, dude from “Stomp”?
[ the Dude from Stomp stands up and bangs two trash can lids together ]
Phantom of the Opera: Wow! Wow! Still relevant. Okay. Alright. So no one has any ideas. I mean, no one?
Mark: Wait, wait! I’ve GOT it!
Phantom of the Opera: What?
Mark: We could put on a big show… with lavish costume and huge, expensive sets! We’ll charge, like $150 a ticket!
[ the room goes wild with excitement ]
Phantom of the Opera: No! no! No! GUys, no! That’s the thing that isn’t working any more!
Mark: No, no! [ piano music begins to play ] And at the end, we’ll all join hands…
Phantom of the Opera: [ confused ] Where the hell is that coming from..?
Mark: …and we’ll sing the anthem of the 90’s!
Phantom of the Opera: Please, don’t…
[ Mark takes the Phantom’s hand and sings a chorus from “Rent” ]
Phantom of the Opera: No! Mark! Stop!
[ the other Broadway stars join in the chorus ]
Phantom of the Opera: NO!! STOP!! STOP!! OKAY?! OKAY, THAT’S IT!! YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE!! [ he raises his hand to the ceiling ] GOOOOOOO!!!!
[ suddenly, a normal-sized chandelier drops from the ceiling ]
Phantom of the Opera: GO!! GO!!
[ the chandelier crashes to the floor ]
Mark: Wow. Really?
Phantom of the Opera: I’m sorry. No, that’s usually a show stopper. I don’t think so… [ recollecting his thoughts ] God! This meeting is awful! It cannot get any worse!
[ a scream and crash comes from outside ]
Phantom of the Opera: What was that?
Black Guy: [ looking ] Well, it was the fiddler on the Roof. He jumped.
[ as everyone gets up to look, “There’s No Business Like Show Business” plays to fade ]
David Frost….Neil Patrick Harris Richard Nixon…..Darrell Hammond Assistant…..Jason Sudeikis David Bowie…..Bill Hader David Crosby…..Bobby Moynihan Paul Lynde…..Fred Armisen Fred “Rerun” Berry…..Kenan Thompson
Caption: Frost/Nixon
Announcer: Critics are raving for Ron Howard´s Frost/Nixon. The gripping real life drama of David Frost historic interview with a fallen Richard Nixon.
(Cut to David Frost interviewing Richard Nixon in a room)
David Frost: (British accent) Are you saying that the President of the United States is allowed to do something illegal?
Richard Nixon: I´m saying that when the President of the United States does it, is not illegal.
David Frost: You know that we´re taping, right?
Richard Nixon: Wha–? Uh?
(An assistant comes out and interrupts)
Assistant: No, no, no. Stop the interview! Stop the interview! Mr. President, come on!
(Cut to a still of Frost looking intrigued)
Announcer: And to top off that success we put together this hastily ensemble sequel. Frost/Other People.
Caption: Frost/Other People
(another still with Frost holding a pencil, arched eyebrow)
Announcer: Watch as David Frost takes on other celebrities of the 70´s. Like David Bowie.
(cut to the interview room)
David Frost: And even though you sing again and again about traveling through space, you´re not an astronaut and have in fact, never left the Earth.
(David Bowie circa 1970 has red punkish hair and a lighting bolt drawn across his face)
David Bowie: Well, let me stop you right there, because—
David Frost: I mean, can you even name all the planets?
David Bowie: Come on, man. Don´t do this to me. I´m an artist, man. Just let the children boogie.
(same assistant interrupts, he has red, punkish hair like Bowie)
Assistant: Ok, all right, all right. Don´t say another word, Bowie. This interview is over.
Caption: Frost / Other People
Announcer: After the success of Nixon, David Frost just couldn´t leave it well enough alone.
(another still of Frost looking smug)
Announcer: And now watch him go for the jugular again and again.
(another still of Frost screaming and another pointing mad as hell)
Announcer: See the tension of Frost´s 5 part interview that finally cracked David Crosby.
Caption: Frost / Crosby
(Cut to interview room with famous druggie, folk-rock pioneer, David Crosby. He has long hair and handlebar mustache)
David Frost: Mr. Crosby, are you in fact, a coked up walrus?
David Crosby: Yes!
(same assistant interrupts, has handlebar mustache too)
Assistant: Ok, all right. That´s it. Interview is over!
(David Crosby swats to invisible bugs around him)
Announcer: Rolling Stone magazine raves: “I like anything, so this counts” and The New York Post says: “Long Island Perv, Cops Plea” You´ll be riveted as you watch him go after game show staple Paul Lynde.
(Cut to interview room with Frost and a very nervous Paul Lynde. He has a very gay blue handkerchief tied around his neck)
Paul Lynde: Ask anything you want. I don´t have anything to hide. Oh, wait. I have everything to hide!(stammers nervously) Just look in my closet. It´s huge in there. Big enough for two. Nothing in there but shoes though. I´m heavy on the shoes but I´m light on the loafers.(breaks down, almost crying) Did I just say that?
(assistant interrupts wearing the gay blue handkerchief)
Assistant: All right, stop.
Paul Lynde: He hasn´t asked a question yet!
Caption: Frost / Other People
Announcer: Its over 90 minutes of people from the past sitting and talking in chairs.
(cut to various stills of Frost´s face)
Announcer: Watch as David Frost takes on none other than Fred “Rerun” Berry.
Caption: Frost/Berry
(Cut to interview room with “Rerun” Berry wearing a red beret and suspenders)
David Frost: In the “What´s Happening” episode entitled “Doobie or not Dobbie”…
Fred “Rerun” Berry: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on…
David Frost: You, Dwayne and Rog are invited by the Doobie Brothers to one of their concerts even though they asked you specifically not to make a bootleg tape.
Fred “Rerun” Berry: No, hold on, hold on. I see where you´re going with this. We went to the concert because we were fans of the Doobie Brothers.
David Frost: Let me get this straight. Three young black men from Los Angeles are fans of the Doobie Brothers?
Fred “Rerun” Berry: (breaks down and cries) It was the only band we could get.
(assistant interrupts wearing red beret and suspenders like “Rerun”)
Assistant: Ok, let´s go Rerun. Let´s go.
Fred “Rerun” Berry: Shabba doo, hit the music!(gets up and dances 70´s style with the assistant)
Caption: Frost/Other People
Announcer: Frost/Other People in theaters just in time for Award season. Uh…what? Its too late? Oh, damn.
Neil Patrick Harris: That’s it! Thank you to Taylor Swift! Liza Minnelli! This has been an unbelievable week — the cast and the crew, they’re extraordinary. THank you, Lorne. Have a great night, everybody! Thanks for watching.
Rachel Maddow…..Abby Elliott Roland Burris…..Kenan Thompson Rod Blagojevich…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on “The Rachel Maddow Show” title card ]
[ cut to Rachel Maddow ]
Rachel Maddow: Good evening, I’m Rachel Maddow! [ audience applauds ] It’s been a wild and controversial week in the U.S. Senate, beginning Tuesday when Rod Blagojevich appointee Roland Burris showed up, hoping to take his seat as the new senator from Illinois, only to be turned away at the front gate. Burris joins us now, from Washington.
[ reveal Burris on satellite ]
Roland Burris: Uh — hello, Rachel! Please call me “Senator” Burris.
Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s not official yet. It’s been quite a week for you. Tell us what happened on Tuesday.
Roland Burris: Alright, Rachel. As you know, I was appointed by my dear friend, the honorable and recently impeached Governor Rod Blagojevich.
Rachel Maddow: Yes. And, because of that, you were warned many times that your appointment would not be recognized. Yet, you flew down to Washington anyway
Roland Burris: Uh, I sure did, Rachel. I am four-time elected official — statewide — so I know when it’s time to go to work. I went on Priceline.com, and I found myself a very reasonable ticket on Southwest Airlines. And, before I knew it, I was landing at an airport within a 50-mile drive of the greater D.C. area. [ swivels his arms ] “Price-line ne-go-ti-a-torrr!“
Rachel Maddow: So, you just showed up. What did you expect would happen?
Roland Burris: Well, I expected to be sworn in an seated as a “U.S. senator”, but I guess it was not my day. I was told that my “credentials were not in order”, and I was kindly escorted out of the building. [ image: two security guards escorting a smiling and waving Burris down the Senate steps ] But don ‘t worry, Rachel — I’m sure that the matter will be cleared up. I’m very qualified: I’ve held FOUR state positions, and three of them have been Comptroller.
Rachel Maddow: Fair enough. Tell us what happened after you were turned away on Tuesday.
Roland Burris: Uh — well, on Wednesday, Rachel, I was very happy because I was able to meet with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Thatg meeting was very productive.
Rachel Maddow: And what did he say?
Roland Burris: Well, he told me that my “credentials were not in order”, and I was escorted out of the building. [ image: similar as before, except Burris looks more downbeat ]
Rachel Maddow: Sorry to hear that. What happened the next day?
Roland Burris: Well, on Thursday… I proudly walked through the Senate door. And then, after breaking away from my tour group, I noticed that, uh, someone had left a Fire Exit open. So I proceeded to take my rightful place as Junior Senator by commando-crawling through the ceiling vents. As I was approaching the Senate floor, I collapsed through the ceiling, causing me to plunge into some kind of coffee break room.
Rachel Maddow: And, what happened then?
Roland Burris: I was told my credentials were not in order”, and, again, I was escorted out of the building and given the number to a local Jamaican taxi service.
Rachel Maddow: Yes, we have a picture of that.
[ image: same as earlier, but now Burris is disguised in a fake beard and moustache ]
Rachel Maddow: Now, it looks like you’re wearing a disguise of some sort.
Roland Burris: Yes, I… thought my fellow senators would find it humorous!
Rachel Maddow: Okay. So, did you try again on Friday?
Roland Burris: Uh, no, Rachel. See, last night I needed to blow off a little steam. So I went to a popular D.C. nightclub called Oxygen. There, I explained to the gentlemen at the bar that I was a four-time elected official and three-time comptroller. But, when I got there, I was told that my “credentials were not in order”, and I was escorted out the building. [ image: two bouncers leading Burris past the V.I.P. ropes ]
Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry to hear that. Now, Harry Reid has stated that this has nothing to do with race. Do you believe that?
Roland Burris: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Harry Reid never wanted this race to come down to this, and I’m sure that the other ninety-nine White senators feel the same way. They would love to see the Black population of the Senate rocket UP to 1%! Rachel, I’m a dreamer. I envision a day when the U.S. Senate will have the SAME percentage of African-Americans as, say, the state of Utah. Or… the Country Music Awards.
Rachel Maddow: Well, good luck to you, Mr. Burris.
Roland Burris: Thank you!
Rachel Maddow: Joining is now is the man who appointed Mr. Burris — Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. [ reveal Blagojevich on satellite ] Good evening, Governor.
Rod Blagojevich: Ah… you thought I’d gone away, didn’t ya’? Well, sorry to spoil your parrty there, Billie Jean King!
Rachel Maddow: You must be pleased that your appointee might actually make it into the Senate, even after Harry Reid said he would never seat someone you picked.
Rod Blagojevich: Couldn’t be happier, Ellen!! [ Rachel frowns ] So, it’s like I said to Harry Reid on the phone — and I, I’m gonna watch my language here by substituting a word. I said: “If you ‘SEX’ me, Harry, I will ‘SEX’ you so hard you’ll wish you’d never been born!” Then I told him to go “SEX” himself, and then I hung up the phone!
Rachel Maddow: Governor — Governor, yesterday you were impeached by the state legislature, 114 to 1.
Rod Blagojevich: Mmm-hmm. Yeah, it’s closer than I thought. And, you gotta understand, getting impeached in Illinois is… nothing! It’s like a PRANK, you know? It’s — it’s just part of the swearing-in ceremony! You got me, k.d. Lang?
Rachel Maddow: I suuppose. And you maintained your innocence in a press conference yesterday, where you had several sick and handicapped people stand behind you. Don’t you find that a little exploitive?
Rod Blagojevich: Exploitive? “SEX” you!
Rachel Maddow: Governor, when will you leave office?
Rod Blagojevich: Never! Never, Chachi! I’m not going anywhere. I’m stuck here like a Dutch kid with his thumb in a DIKE! [ he grins ] Sound familiar, Kyle MacLachlan?
Rachel Maddow: Alright, okay! Okay, I’m cutting you off! Thank you to Mr. Burris — no thanks to Governor Blagojevich — and “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”
…..Neil Patrick Harris Guy #1…..Bobby Moynihan Guy #2…..Bill Hader Guy #3…..Fred Armisen Mark Wahlberg…..Andy Samberg
Neil Patrick Harris: Thank you. Wow. Thank you thank you very much. It is…it is just wonderful to be here tonight. This is honestly a dream come true for me. Some of you may know me from the show “How I Met Your Mother”, that I am currently on, but, a little known fact – I almost hosted SNL back in 1990 when I was the star of a different program called “Doogie Howser MD”. Which, by the way, one of the first television shows created on a dare.I remember I was in the running to host, but ultimately, they went in a different direction. They chose Fred Savage from “The Wonder Years”. Thank you for not applauding. I was fine with that. I mean, was I disappointed? Maybe. It’s hard to remember. I mean, it was 18 years, one month and 14 days ago. But hey, that was 1990. A lot has changed since then. We’ve both moved on, there’s no use dwelling in the past, right? Though if you do dwell on it, take it out on the Fred Savage Show, as I was doing earlier today. You’ll notice that even though everyone says it’s so good, it has flaws. I mean, he opened with the church lady, where he played a tiny church lady…who can hit a home run with that? I remember his second sketch ran about five minutes and 35 seconds and he took a third beat and an extra pause, and I turn to my girlfriend back then and I was like “what, is he allergic to timing?” and she was like “why won’t you kiss me?” and I was like “later, I mean, look at this guy”.
But that was a long time ago. And now, finally at long last, it is my turn. Nothing can spoil this moment. We have a great –
Guy #1: Hey, hey Neil, I love you in How I Met Your Mother. Hey, you wanna know how I met your mother? I went to a fireworks factory and asked for their best bang.
Neil Patrick Harris: Okay, well thank you for bringing that energy to the show.
Guy #2: Hey hey hey hey hey. You know how I met your mother? I saw her in line at the welfare office. OH!
Neil Patrick Harris: So wait, you were in line for welfare too?
Guy #2: No!
Neil Patrick Harris: So anyway, we have a –
Guy #3: Hey, Neil, Neil Neil…you know how I met your mother? They had a story on the news, yeah. Elephant escapes from zoo. OH!
Neil Patrick Harris: Wait, wait. You saw her on the news. Then you didn’t actually meet her.
Guy #3: No, ’cause then she goes to a plastic surgeon and he goes “I wanna refund.”
Neil Patrick Harris: The plastic surgeon wanted a refund?
Guy #3: No, ya see he goes….he goes “No refunds”.
Neil Patrick Harris: You didn’t really think that one through, did you?
Guy #3: No I did not.
Neil Patrick Harris: Guys, c’mon…can you not do this now?
Mark Wahlberg: Yeah, cool it guys c’mon.
Neil Patrick Harris: Mark Wahlberg! You know these guys?
Mark Wahlberg: Yeah. They’re my three best friends. They based “Entourage” on us. [points to guy#1] This is Turtle, [points at the other two] and these are the other two.
Neil Patrick Harris: That must be a lot of fun for you guys.
Mark Wahlberg: It is. Anyways, it was good talkin’ to ya Neil. Say hi to the cast of How I Met Your Mother for me, okay?
Neil Patrick Harris:We’ve got a great show for you. Taylor Swift is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.
BK Exec….Neil Patrick Harris Translator….Kristen Wiig Romanian 1….Fred Armisen Romanian 2….Michaela Watkins Romanian 3….Bobby Moynihan
(Opens with shots of rural life in Budesti, Romania)
Caption: Budesti, Romania.
Announcer: What happens if you take Eastern Europeans farmers who have never eaten a burger and ask them to compare a Whopper vs. Big Mac in the world´s purest taste test. This are the Whooper Virgins.
(Rural Romanian farmers are led inside a Burger King headquarters office. A Burger King executive and a translator are in a table with a Romanian man. In front of the Romanian man are two burgers. The Romanian picks up the two burgers up, like he wants to go away with them.)
BK Exec: Sir, put the burgers back on the plate now.
(Romanian talks his native language)
Translator: This food will feed my village for a month.
(Cut to the BK Exec and the translator with a Romanian woman)
BK Exec: So, congratulations on being a Whopper virgin
(Translator translates. Romanian woman answers)
Translator: She´s not a virgin. (Romanian woman explains) It was her uncle.
(Cut to the BK Exec and the translator with another Romanian man. This man is laughing like a maniac and has the burger on his head.)
Romanian 3: Hahahahaha!!!! hahahahaha!!!!
(Cut to the Romanian woman. She can´t pick up the burger, finally she picks it up vertically and eats it that way)
(Cut to the first Romanian. He is pleading with the BK Exec)
Translator: He says he will say whatever you want, just let him bring this food back to his village.
(Cut to the third Romanian dude. He still laughing like a maniac. He is given a large Coke. He cracks up even more and washes a napkin in the Coke)
Romanian 3: Huh? Hahahahahahahaha!!!!hahahahaha!!!!!
(Cut to the Romanian woman afraid of the lettuce and tomato from the burger, slapping the burger away)
(Cut to the first Romanian man. He is crying, sobbing to the BK Exec)
Translator: He says he cannot. His soul is crying for them.
(Cut to Romanian 3)
BK Exec: Now tell him to choose.
(Translator translates to the Romanian. Romanian slaps the burger down like a button.)
Romanian 3: Eeeehh!!! (speaks his language, translator explains to BK Exec)
Translator: American game show.
(Cut to Romanian 1. He explains to the BK Exec in his language)
Translator: I apologize for my behavior. I apologize from my heart. It will never happen again.
(Romanian 1 then takes the burgers and runs out the door)
BK Exec: (gets up) Hey, hey! Pete! Pete!
(Romanian 1 is brought back forcefully, he resists and curses in his language)
Translator: He says you´re the devil. Devil. (Romanian 1 then throws the burgers from the table out the door) He´s telling Yakov to take the burgers. Save yourselves.
(Burger King logo)
Announcer: The Whopper Virgins. Maybe this wasn´t a good idea.
(Cut to Romanian 3 still cracking up like a maniac. Now the translator and the BK Exec both have burgers on their heads)
Air Date:
