Category: 2008

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Dateline

Keith Morrison….Bill Hader
Sara Hellerman….Kristen Wiig
Jeff Bishop….Jason Sudeikis
Lily Bishop….Casey Wilson
Kurt Bird….Tim McGraw

Caption: Dateline Investigation NBC Logo.

Announcer: Tonight at 10. On Dateline NBC. A Keith Morrison Special Investigation. Real life crimes and stories of real people in bad situations.

(cut to investigative reporter Keith Morrison)

Keith Morrison: Sara Hellerman´s boyfriend was into drugs, getting mixed up with some gang bangers but one night he just didn´t come home.

(cut to Sara with Keith in her living room)

Sara Hellerman: I looked for him for weeks and weeks. Finally the police called me and, (disturbed) they found his car.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smirk on his face) And what did they find when they opened up the trunk of that car?

Sara Hellerman: It was my boyfriend´s body.

Keith Morrison: O-o-oh, my. Was he all right?

Sara Hellerman: No, he was dead.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Oh, no-o-o-o.

(cut to Keith on the TV studio)

Keith Morrison: Then later, the all too real story of Jeff and Lily Bishop. When their boat capsized they found themselves alone at sea. But were they really alone?

(cut to Keith in the Bishop´s living room)

Jeff Bishop: So it was day two and we were surrounded by sharks.

Keith Morrison: O-o-oh. What was that like?

Jeff Bishop: It was terrible.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) A-a-a-ah.

Lily Bishop: We both just passed out.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Ee-e-e-eh.

Jeff Bishop: And when I came to, my leg was gone.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) O-o-oh. Did you find it?

Jeff Bishop: No. It had been eaten.

Keith Morrison: (creepy smile) Oh, no-o-o-o.

Lily Bishop: I´m sorry, are you smiling?

Keith Morrison: (still with the creepy smile) No-o-o-o. I´m horrified.

(cut to Keith in the TV studio)

Keith Morrison: Then stay tuned for the most heart wrenching story I´ve ever reported on. Kurt Bird. He thought he knew his wife. But did he?

(cut to Keith in Kurt Bird´s kitchen)

Kurt Bird: (disturbed) I´ve been away for business for about a week.

Keith Morrison: (seedy grin) Ah.

Kurt Bird: And I found my wife holding a knife, covered in blood.

Keith Morrison: (still grinning) Aa-a-ah.

Kurt Bird: She had murdered our neighbors.

Keith Morrison: (again with a creepy smile on) O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ohhh, yeah, oh no, a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah, e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ehh.

Kurt Bird: Do you get some sort of strange delight from all this?

Keith Morrison: I do.

(cut to Keith at the TV studio)

Keith Morrison: All that and an old lady on fire. Tonight on Dateline.

(Dateline Investigation logo)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Goodnights

…..Tim McGraw

Tim McGraw: Thanks to Ludacris and T-Pain! And thanks to Lorne, the cast, the crew! I had a great time! Good night, New Yorrrrrrrrkkk!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

A Holiday Message From Jeff Montgomery

Jeff Montgomery….Will Forte
Bob….Tim McGraw
Kathy….Kristen Wiig
Guest 1….Casey Wilson
Guest 2….Fred Armisen
Guest 3….Abby Elliott
Guest 4….Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a house at night. Cut to a group of people at the dinner table on Thanksgiving day)

Bob: ….and most of all, we like to thank you for the gift of family and friends because that´s truly the gift that keeps on giving. Amen.

All: Amen.

Kathy: All right. Anybody hungry?

(Crazy ass Jeff Montgomery is at this table.)

Jeff Montgomery: Try yes. Please, pass the stuffing, the gravy, the peas and throw some turkey in there too. Hey, don´t call me turkey! You´re the turkey, turkey! Wha-a-at?! Seriously though, I´m starving.

Bob: So, uh, white meat or dark?

Jeff Montgomery: Uh, white meat or dark? Well, if you´re talking women, I´ll go dark. If we´re talking turkey, I´ll go Asian. Oh, oh, Asian bird flu! “Agent Bird flew where?” Flew to the hospital I hope. Wha-a-at?! Ha, ha, ha. Seriously though, I´ll have a bunch of both.

Bob: Ok, so uh, how do you know Kathy?

Jeff Montgomery: Who´s Kathy?

Kathy: I´m Kathy.

Jeff Montgomery: Well, its a pleasure to meet you.

Bob: Wait. I thought that you were here with Kathy.

Kathy: Wait. I thought he was your friend from work.

Jeff Montgomery: Ha! You´re both wrong! I´m not here with Kathy and I certainly don´t have a job.

(Jeff stuffs food down the front of his sweatshirt)

Bob: So, who exactly are you?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m Jeff Montgomery.

Bob: And Jeff, who are you here with?

Jeff Montgomery: Who am I not here with?!

Guest 1: Me.

Guest 2: Me.

Guest 3: Me.

Guest 4: Me.

Kathy: Me.

Bob: And you´re not here with me. So it sounds like you´re really not here with anyone.

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, lighten up! Thanksgiving isn´t about questioning why people you don´t know are at your dinner table! You know, its about giving thanks. And I would like to say thank you for inviting me into your home.

Bob: See, that´s the thing, cause I don´t think anyone here invited you so I´m still unclear about how did you get in here.

Jeff Montgomery: Oh, come on, Bob! I mean, how did any of us get in here?

Kathy: Door.

Guest 4: Door.

Guest 3: Door.

Guest 2: Door.

Guest 1: Door.

Jeff Montgomery: Window! See? We´re all in the same boat here! Now, let´s eat.

Bob: (dialing his cell) Ok, so I´m gonna call the cops. You just keep doing your thing and I´ll be right back.

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, Bob, Bob! Look, I´m sure there´s a very good explanation for why I´m here.

Bob: And that is?

Jeff Montgomery: Well, you know, I was going door to door, you know, trick or turkeying…

Kathy: Wait. Trick or turkeying?

Jeff Montgomery: Wait, you guys have never heard of trick or turkeying?

Guest 1: No.

Guest 2: No.

Guest 3: No.

Guest 4: No.

Kathy: No.

Jeff Montgomery: Yes, so about half of us have heard of it. So, ok, for those who haven´t, trick or turkeying is when you put on a costume and you go begging for scraps of turkey. You know, “trick or turkey”?

Bob: And what exactly is your costume?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m a man who recently escaped a mental institution.

Bob: Excuse me?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m an escaped mental patient. For Thanksgiving! And, you´ll love this, as part of my costume I had the police put out an APB that a Jeff Montgomery escaped from a mental institution and is considered extremely dangerous. That pretty great, huh? Anyway, where I´m from trick or turkeying is sort of a tradition.

Bob: And where are you from?

Jeff Montgomery: The Clarksville Mental Institution.

Bob: (into his cell) Ok, 911, I´d like to report an escaped mental patient.

Jeff Montgomery: Look, Bob, you´re missing the point here! The point is Thanksgiving spirit! That point is trick or turkey! The point is can I crash in your doghouse for a couple of months?

Kathy: And where is our dog supposed to live?

Jeff Montgomery: The same he´s been living for the past 8 hours. My stomach. (stunned silence at the table) This is gonna sound like a terrible segue but can I use your bathroom? This dog is racing through me like a greyhound. Happy Thanksgiving! Wha-a-a-t?!

(scene freezes on Jeff´s crazy face)

Announcer: This has been a holiday message from Jeff Montgomery.

Caption: From Jeff Montgomery. Happy Thanksgiving.

(fade)

(cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Tim McGraw’s Monologue

…..Tim McGraw

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Tim McGraw!

Tim McGraw: Wow! Thank you very much! Thank you! I never thought I’d be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. But it’s great to be here during such an exciting time in America. Change is sweeping the nation, and there’s a feeling that anything is possible. Fro example: a country singer is hosting “Saturday Night Live”, and the musical guests are Ludacris and T-Pain! [ audience cheers ] Well, you may not know this, but this is actually the very first time the three of us have worked together. It’s crazy, right? I know! And I’m sure many hip-hop fans are tuning in tonight, and, if I may, I’d like to take a moment to speak directly to them:

[ close-up ]

Hi! I’m Tim McGraw… and you have never heard of me. I write songs and perform them in a genre known as Country. Now, I know it’s not the same as Hip-Hop, but you might enjoy the wholesome world that is Country music. We sing about things like family, friendship, and, well, hope. Now, of course, sometimes we sing about things like drinking, or drinking and fighting. But, mainly it is about family, or about your wife, or… cheating on your wife. Or your wife cheating on you with another man, and you killing that man. Or killing your wife. Or shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die. That actually is, kind of, like, our big song. But, the point is: you know, give it a shot! You might even like it. Here — here’s an example:

[ he picks up a microphone and begins to sing ]

“Girl, you’ve never known no one like me
Up there in your high society.
They might tell you I’m no good
Girl, they need to understand — come on!
Just who I am
I may be a real bad boy
But, baby, I’m a real good man.”

We have a FANTASTIC show tonight! We got Ludacris! And T-Pain up in here! Y’all hang around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9

08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

A Message From Rahm Emanuel

Announcer…..Don Pardo
Rep. Rahm Emanuel…..Andy Samberg

Announcer: And now a message from White House Chief of Staff-Designate — Rahm Emanuel.

(Congressman RAHM EMANUEL sits on his desk with his hands folded.)

Rahm Emanuel: Hello, I’m Rahm Emanuel… one-time congressman of IllinoisFifth District and now White House Chief of Staff-Designate forPresident-Elect Barack Obama. I believe we are at the dawn of a great, newage in American politics and I am proud and excited to be apart of it. Atthe same time, I understand our country is facing great challenges.Challenges that are going to require both parties come together to findsolutions.

Now some on the right, such as Minority Leader John Boehner, havecriticized my appointment as being “hyper-partisan”. And have accused meof being prone to “bare-knuckle tactics” and “profanity-laced tirades” inthe past. Well, it is true my nickname is “Rahm-bo”, and it is also truemy brother Ari is the basis for Jeremy Piven’s character on “Entourage”, Iwant to assure you that I took this job for one reason only – to supportBarack Obama’s message of hope and change…

Although I should say, to anyone thinking about crossing me — I willF—ING end you! You will never even see it coming! One day you will behere and the next day you will be f—ing disappear.

And John Boehner!? You seriously want to f— with me!? You’re losingseats in Congress like it’s a game of f—ing musical chairs and you issuea press release about me!? You f—ing idiot! About me!? You pull thats–t to my face, Boehner, and I’ll send you back to Ohio in a f—ing box!

And that goes for Democrats as well as Republicans. You will get inf—ing line or I will personally stamp your ticket! None of your f—ingbulls— on my watch, Joe Lieberman! If it was up to me, we wouldn’t juststrip you of your chairmanship, we would strip you naked and make you WALKYOUR McCAIN LOVING ASS back to Connecticut. YOU F—KING TURNCOAT!

Don’t believe me… ask Howard F—ING Dean if I’m for real. He s—shimself when he hears me on the radio.

(Emanuel turns to his right to face the CAMERA and points his left hands.)

Rahm Emanuel: I’m sorry did you say something!?

(The CAMERA shakes back and forth.)

Rahm Emanuel: Are you f—ing sure!?

(The CAMERA nods.)

Rahm Emanuel: Yeah. You better be f—ing sure.

(Emanuel returns to face the MASTER CAMERA.)

Rahm Emanuel: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to address you tonight.And I look forward in the coming months to setting out on what I promiseto be an incredible journey. Seriously, it’s going to be f—ing amazing.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 9


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08i: Tim McGraw / Ludacris, T-Pain

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Arianna Huffington…..Michaela Watkins
Zell Miller…..Will Forte

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers. Amy Poehler is still on assignment. Here are tonight’s top stories:

The heads of Detroit’s Big Three automakers went to Washington on Tuesday to beg Congress for a $25 billion bailout. While heads of Japan’s automakers had sex with beautiful women and then slept like babies.

It was reported that Sarah Palin is close to signing a book deal worth $7 million. The book could set a new record for most apostrophes. [ image: Palin’s book, titled “Jus’ Tellin’ My Story” ]

Health groups are demanding that Phillip Morris withdraw their new product, Virginia Slims Superslim Lights, which come in a lipstick sized pack of 20 cigarettes, that they say are “clearly designed to appeal to teen girls.” Plus, while you smoke one, it talks to you about “Twilight”.

The Disney Channel group, Cheetah Girls, was removed from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade after semi-nude photos of one of its members appeared online. Although, I don’t know why they’re holding the Cheetah Girls to a higher standard than Snoopy. [ image: black-barred photo of Snoopy ]

In recent days, Barack Obama has started to fill out his cabinet positions, inclusing Secretary of State. Here now, to discuss these choices, former President of the United States, Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Seth. Where’s Blondie?

Seth Meyers: Oh, uh — Amy’s not here.

Bill Clinton: [ adjusting his tie ] You have to give me a heads-up when there are gonna be changes like that.

Seth Meyers: I-I’m sorry.

Bill Clinton: And, Amy, wherever you are, I just want to say: [ he mimes a telephone with his fingers and mouths “Call Me” ]

Seth Meyers: Okay. So, anyways — the cabinet.

Bill Clinton: Yes, the cabinet. Uh, Seth, I am here tonight to make a very exciting announcement. And, even though I’m not supposed to say anything, I — I can’t help myself! After the holiday, Barack Obama will officially appoint ME… Husband to the Secretary of State.

Seth Meyers: You mean, he will appoint Hillary Secretary of State?

Bill Clinton: Say it however you want to say it, Seth. The point is, I am honored. Now, it’s true that this move will make Hillary the Secretary of State, and it is gonna be great. But I just want to say to all of those world leaders out there who thought they were gonna be dealing with a cool operator like Barack Obama: SUR-PRIIIISE!! You got Hillary! [ he chuckles heartily, then bites his lip ] Best of luck to ya’! Whatever excuses you despots and tyrants are gonna use to explain your bad behavior, just throw those right out the window — she sees through ALL of them! There are only three you’re gonna need when Hillary shows up: I… am… sorry! [ he smiles ] It don’t work all the time, but sometimes it’s a good place to start.

Seth Meyers: Okay. Now, uh — one of the hold-ups to Hillary’s appointment were your finances, but reports are you’ve agreed to turn everything over to the Obama transition team.

Bill Clinton: You know, Seth, I was just hoping for someone to ask me about my finances. If I TOLD you how much I made for a speaking engagement without you asking me, it would sound like bragging! Because it is a SICK number! I mean, you can’t believe what people pay me for talking. Talking! My second all-time favorite activity! [ he smiles ]

Seth Meyers: So what will this appointment mean for Bill Clinton?

Bill Clinton: Well, now, the position of Husband to the Secretary of State is a position that requires a lot of international traveling. I’ll be honest — I’m looking forward to spreading American goodwill. I’m gonna spread it from the snow-topped peaks of the Himalayas, to the topless beaches of Rio… to the bottomless beaches of Abisa. Yeah. So, in conclusion, I will take my show on the road. I will support Barack Obama. And I will not allow my finances to screw this up for Hillary, because, if I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times: the LAST thing I want to do… is screw Hillary.

Seth Meyers: Ladies and gentlemen — Bill Clinton!

Bill Clinton: [ mimes telephone again, then exits the news desk ]

Seth Meyers: It’s been confirmed that the government is developing tiny, insect-like robots which would be used to spy on enemies and possibly attack them. So, sorry for ever doubting you, Gary Busey.

A new report shows that a large number of Americans are “alarmingly uninformed” about the history of the U.S. and its founding principles. Experts say the number could be as high as 1 in 4. [ image: John McCain, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama, Joe Biden ]

Suri Cruise, the 2 year-old daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, tops the Forbes.com second annual list of “Hollywood’s 10 Hottest Tots”. Which begs the question: What the hell is going on at Forbes.com?

President Bush, this week, said he will do all he can to help Barack Obama with his transition into the White House. Here to comment, political pundit, and creator of the Huffington Post — Arianna Huffington.

Arianna Huffington: Oh! Hello! Hi, Seth! Hi! I’m Arianna Huffington. You know… this George Bush, he’s done it again. He says he wants to help Barack Obama with his transition. Listen! George! You hae done e-nough! Don’t do anything else! Don’t! Don’t even water a plant.

Seth Meyers: So I take it you’re not a huge fan of George Bush?

Arianna Huffington: Oh, listen, Seth, please! It’s like this country was a brand new BMW, and George Bush smashed it into a tree. And now, he’s tossing the keys to Barack Obama and he says, “Enjoy! It’s all yours!” You know?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I see… yeah…

Arianna Huffington: Listen! Listen! Two nights ago, I was having drinks with Madeliea Albright and Chuck from the “Gossip Girl”… and, you know, they agree with me: George Bush helping out Barack Obama is like the Skeletor helping the He-Man. You know? It’s crazy. It’s like an arsonist who burns down your house and then asks, “Do you need help moving?”

Seth Meyers: Okay, um — well, uh — [ he chuckles ] Maybe we should just focus on some of the positives.

Arianna Huffington: Okay. Good! Okay. Uh, let’s see… the good news is that politics is sexy again — and I should know, I had sexy for breakfast, so… I mean, the only thing sexual about the Bush administration is the war in Iraq. Really! I mean, it’s pornographic, this war. We went into a foreign place — totally unprotected — there’s a big surge, we don’t pull out — it’s disgusting! You know — you know what I am talking about — ’cause I sure don’t. Okay, good night!

Seth Meyers: Arianna Huffington, everyone! Thank you.

Ron Howard, this week, praised Angelina Jolie’s efforts as a working actress and mother of six, and complimented her for coping with such “huge undertakings”. I have to agree, though this is the first time I’ve heard them referred to as “undertakings”.

Debby, the oldest polar bear in captivity, died this week in a zoo at the age of 42. Debby is survived by her two daughters, Cindy, Crystal, and her stepson, Kareem. [ image: black bear cub ]

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz gave birth, Thursday, to a boy named Bronx Mowgli. As in: “Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Wentz. Bronx Mowgli got beat up at school again.”

On December 2nd, the state of Georgia will hold a special run-off election between Republican Saxby Chambliss, and Democrat Jim Martin. Here to comment, is former Georgia senator Zell Miller.

Zell Miller: It’s good to be here, Seth!

Seth Meyers: So… you’re a registered Democrat, yet you’ve been campaigning pretty hard for the Republican candidate, Saxby Chambliss.

Zell Miller: Seth, I would sooner drink hemlock than vote for that namby-pamby Jim Martin! I mean, what kind of name is that — Jim Martin?! You know, back in my day, a guy named Jim Martin comes up to you and says he’s runnin’ for the Senate, you put him in a BARREL and send him over a WATERFALL!! I want a man up there with a name I can TRUST! A man with a name like the guys I grew up with! A man with a name like Saxby Chambliss! Or Zackamore Hooberry! Goolsby Scroggins! Mortimer Fapp! Derval Mackinaw! Ebenezer Yakbain! Jasper Quazzeltoot! I used to work in a saloon with a guy named Peabody Tilcutt! Now, I don’t know a thing about his politics, but I would vote for that man for President of the United States! Unless his running mate had a name like Jim Martin! That’s why I’m voting for Saxby Chambliss!

Seth Meyers: So, that’s the only reason you’re voting for him?

Zell Miller: What, just think of what will happen to this country if a man like Jim Martin is elected to the Senate! You know, next thing you know some guy named Mark Smith gets in there! And then John Brown! And then Mike Black! And then, soon the entire country is being run by Browns and Blacks!

Seth Meyers: You know, out of context, umm — that could sound pretty bad, so maybe you want to retract that last statement?

Zell Miller: ZELL MILLER RETRACTS NOTHING, SETH!!! ow, trust me, you do not want a guy like Jim Martin in the Senate!! Okay? You’d be much better off with a man named Bernhart Barnthistle!! Or Templeton Thappletrap! Fitzner Blout! Beezleton Kernwinkle! Kip Joggletog! You know, I’m kinda runnin’ out of names here — but you get the point! Oh, thought of another one: Clementine Dimplethippy!

Seth Meyers: So, this really is just about the name?

Zell Miller: [ outraged ] Oh, okay! It looks like we got a Jim Martin supporter here!! You’re lucky I left my scabbard in my hot air balloon!! Oh, got another one! Foster Macadoodledoodiedoo!!

Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Is that even a real name?

Zell Miller: [ stands and runs ] Oh, where’s that scabbard?! Where’s the scabbard?!

Seth Meyers: Alright, Zell Miller, everybody!

[ image: Madonna ] This week, a British court released a cougar back into the wild.

In an interview in “The New Yorker”, Prince reveals that, since he joined the Jehovah’s Witnesses two years ago, he has started leaving his gated community to knock on doors and preach the word of his Christian denomination. Finally creating an occasion to say, “Oh, my god, hide, Prince is coming.”

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 10


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:

December 6th, 2008

John Malkovich

T.I.

None

Jamie-Lynn Sigler

Molly Sims

Justin Timberlake

Swizz Beatz

Jorma Taccone

A Message from the Secretary of State DesignateSummary: Newly-appointed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) swears she doesn’t hold a grudge against Barack Obama for getting to be president.

Note: Amy Poehler returns from maternity leave.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

John Malkovich’s MonologueSummary: John Malkovich reads “The Night Before Christmas” to a group of crew members’ children, but keeps interrupting the story to educate them about the real story behind the traditional tale.

First Hosted: 88j.

Transcript

Gas RightSummary: Bruce Johnson (Fred Armisen), the inventor of Breathe-Right, has stayed up late to create a sequel product that controls the flow of farts between one’s butt cheeks.

ShanaSummary: Office workers (Will Forte, Andy Samberg, Kenan Thompson) are enamored by new girl Shana (Kristen Wiig), who possesses great sex appeal until she walks and talks.

Cool ObamaSummary: Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) points out just how cool he is.

Recurring Characters: Barack Obama.

Transcript

La Rivista Della TelevisioneSummary: Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews John Malkovich and shows a clip from his sex film “Being Vinny Vedecci”.

Recurring Characters: Vinny Vedecci, crew members.

Transcript

Virgania Horsen’s Pony ExpressSummary: Virgania Horsen (Kristen Wiig) offers an alternative to traditional mail services that could be under terrorist attack.

Recurring Characters: Virgania Horsen.

Transcript

TwinsSummary: All twin brothers Aiden (John Malkovich) and Paul (Fred Armisen) want for Christmas is a calculator.

Transcript

T.I. performs “Whatever You Like”

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Plaxico Burress (Kenan Thompson) gives gun-carrying tips, then accidentlaly shoots himself again. 9-year old David Rasmussen (Andy Samberg) offers tips on how to meet girls. Boy George (Fred Armisen) doesn’t see anything wrong with his recent crime arrest.

Recurring Characters: Boy George.

The Lost Works of Judy BlumeSummary: Awkward teenager Gertie (John Malkovich) harbors a secret she hopes won’t be revealed at a slumber party.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about “Jizz In My Pants”.

Transcript

T.I. & Swizz Beatz perform “Swing Ya Rag”

J’accuziSummary: John Malkovich stars in a version of “Dangerous Liasions” that is set in a jacuzzi.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 4

08d: Anne Hathaway / The Killers

Bailout Press Conference

President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Barney Frank…..Fred Armisen
Michael McCune…..Bobby Moynihan
Jerome Gant…..Kenan Thompson
Greg Phillips…..Bill Hader
Judy Phillips…..Anne Hathaway
Crystal…..Amy Poehler
Herbert Sandler…..Darrell Hammond
Marion Sandler…..Casey Wilson
George Soros…..Will Forte

[ open on C-Span graphic ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span: President Bush, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Congressman Barney Frank appeared earlier today at a joint press conference to comment on the financial bailout that was just passed by Congress.

[ dissolve to Bush, Pelosi, and Frank standing before reporters ]

President George W. Bush: Good afternoon. [ reading from notes ] On Friday, this Congress was able to put aside its differences… and come together in a bipartisan spirit… to pass legislation that was absolutely vital… to ensre world confidence… in our financial markets… and to prevent a collapse in credit. Which would have had a catastrophic effect on our economy. Approving this bill was the right thing to do… and I commend outr legislators for their actions. Speaker Pelosi?

Nancy Pelosi: [ she steps forward ] Thank you, Mr. President. I, too, applaud Congress for its vote, and add that, without your help, this bill might well have failed. [ Bush nods proudly ] Even though this financial crisis was 100% the fault of your administration… [ Bush adjusts his tie ] and it’s INSANE economic policies, and, though I’m sure you’ll agree, you WILL go down in history as our WORST president ever… this one time, you did manage somehow to not screw things up, and I want to acknowledge that.

President George W. Bush: Thank you, Madam Speaker. I was glad to do it!

[ Frank steps forward ]

Barney Frank: Let me ADD, Mr. President… I was also pleased to see that, for the first time in your eight years in office, and, possibly, your ENTIRE LIFE, you were able to demonstrate leadership, not to mention simple human decency!

President George W. Bush: [ while waving to members of the press ] You bet. You bet.

Nancy Pelosi: [ returning to the front ] Let’s not forget, Mr. President, that it was the Democrats who first sounded the alarm about the risky mortgage loans that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were encouraging, and that your party resisted ALL our efforts to reign them in.

President George W. Bush: Wait, wait, wait! Wasn’t it MY administration that warned about the problem SIX years ago? [ Pelosi rolls her eyes nervously ] And it was the DEMOCRATS who refused to listen?!

Nancy Pelosi: W-what?! N-no. W-who told you that? That — that’s crazy! It’s completely the other way around!

President George W. Bush: Okay.

Barney Frank: [ whispering in Pelosi’s ear ] Uh, actually, this time — this time, he’s sort of right.

Nancy Pelosi: Shhh! Don’t say anything — he doesn’t know!

[ Frank nods ]

Nancy Pelosi: Now, there was another point we wanted to make here, and, uh, Mr. President, you are welcome to stay.

President George W. Bush: Thank you, I’d like that! [ he steps closer ]

Nancy Pelosi: Back there would be better.

President George W. Bush: No problem! [ he steps back, but mugs for the camera between Pelosi and Frank as they speak ]

Nancy Pelosi: In the past few weeks, this debate has focused on the wisdom of government intervention in the housing markets. What hasn’t been talked about is that, behind every home foreclosure, there is a story of real suffering by real Americans. People who, but for the grace of God, could be you or your neighbors. And, today, we’d like to introduce you to some of them. [ two young men step forward ] Michael McCune and Jerome Gant, two ordinary Americans whose only crime was to play by the rules, and who now find themselves facing eviction from their homes. Please tell us your story.

Michael McCune: Uhhh, well… to start, I still don’t understand how this happened. I mean, I mean — I fot all the requirements for a subprime mortgage. Uhhh — no credit history…

Jerome Gant: Same here!

Michael McCune: …no job!

Jerome Gant: Me, neither!

Michael McCune: …minor criminal record!

Jerome Gant: Dit-to!

Michael McCune: …dishonorable discharge from the Army!

Jerome Gant: Yeah, I got mine right here!

Michael McCune: …uh, drug problems!

Jerome Gant: Me, too!

Michael McCune: …alcohol problems!

Jerome Gant: Guilty as charged!

Michael McCune: …gambling addiction!

Jerome Gant: Yeah!

Michael McCune: …pregnant girlfriend — actually, TWO pregnane girlfriends!

Jerome Gant: Just the one!

Michael McCune: Yeah. Well, anyway, I was talked into a “balloon mortgage”, where you move into the house, and then you get to live in it, and you don’t have to pay money or anything to the bank, but then, later, you DO!

Jerome Gant: Yeah! What up with that?!

Michael McCune: Yeah! I mean, you could say I’m a double-victim, since I’ve never had a job, and now I don’t have a home!

Jerome Gant: Well, I’m a triple-victim, ’cause I’ve also been charged with arson, for allegedly setting fire to the house they evicted me from.

Nancy Pelosi: You are — you are both in our thoughts. [ she hugs Michael, but avoids hugging Jerome ]

Michael McCune: Thank you!

Jerome Gant: That’s nice!

Nancy Pelosi: This is — this is Greg Phillips, and his wife Judy. [ the Phillips’ step forward ] How did the housing market collapse affect you?

Greg Phillips: Well, my wife and I bought two dozen timeshare condos, which we heavily mortgaged in order to flip them six months later for TRIPLE the purchase price, and then the real estate market tanked.

Nancy Pelosi: And you were doing this through…?

Judy Phillips: Misrepresentation.

Nancy Pelosi: Uh, no — I meant, did you do this out of your home, or…?

Judy Phillips: Out of greed.

Greg Phillips: Yes, out of greed.

Nancy Pelosi: And then, now, with the real estate market down, you’re stuck with two dozen timeshare condos that you can’t sell?

Judy Phillips: Unless we sold them for, like, ten per cent more than we paid.

Nancy Pelosi: So, you — you can’t make your mortgage payment?

Greg Phillips: Not without selling the boat… or putting off eseential cosmetic surgery.

[ a pregnant woman joins the Phillips ]

Nancy Pelosi: And, uh — who is this?

Greg Phillips: This is Crystal, our surrogate mother.

Crystal: Whasssssupppp?!!!

Greg Phillips: You see… I can’t have children — without getting BAD stretch marks.

Nancy Pelosi: You are also in our thoughts and prayers.

[ the Phillips’ step away, as the Sandlers step forward ]

Nancy Pelosi: This is Herbert and Marion Sandler. Tell us your story.

Herbert Sandler: My wife and I had a company which aggressively marketed subprime mortgages, and then bundled them as securities to sell to banks such as Wachovia. Today, our portfolio’s worth almost nothing, though, at one point, it was worth close to $19 billion.

Nancy Pelosi: My God, I am so sorry! Were you able to sell it for anything?

Herbert Sandler: Yes! For $24 billion!

Nancy Pelosi: I see. So, in that sense… you’re not here to speak as actual victims?

Herbert Sandler: [ he chuckles ] No, no, no! That would be Wachovia Bank!

Marion Sandler: Actually, we’ve done quite well. We’re very happy!

Herbert Sandler: We were sort of wondering why — we were sort of wondering why you asked us to come today.

Marion Sandler: Anyway, it’s — it’s delightful to see you, Nancy!

[ Pelosi hugs Mrs. Sandler ]

Herbert Sandler: And thank you, Congressman Frank, as well as many Republicans, for helping block congressional oversight of our corrupt activity. [ he and his wife step away ]

Barney Frank: Not at all! But… let me say something else here: you know, many of you are probably wondering where did that $700 billion missing from our economy go? And to help answer that, let me introduce our good friend, billionaire Hedge Funds manager, George Soros.

[ George Soros steps forward ]

George Soros: So, what become of that $700 billion? Well, basically, it belongs to ME now! Actually, it’s not even American dollars any more, but Swiss francs, since I have taken a short position against the dollar.

President George W. Bush: Oh, really? That’s not good.

George Soros: You’re not to speak. I don’t like you. [ Bush backs away ] The U.S. Dollar will have to be devalued sometime next week, either Tuesday or Wednesday. I haven’t decided which yet; it would depend on how I feel.

Barney Frank: Well, thank you very much, Mr. Soros. You’re a great man!

George Soros: Yes. Could I just add that, uh, even though you know what’s coming, you won’t be able to do anything about it!

Nancy Pelosi: You’re a wise man, Mr. Soros, and a powerful one.

Barney Frank: You are BETTER than us!

George Soros: Mmm-hmm. [ turns to face Mr. Phillips ] Your wife is physically attractive. Sell her to me, please.

Greg Phillips: Sure.

Judy Phillips: Okay!

[ dissolve to C-Span graphic card ]

Announcer: We will now leave this press conference and join a discussion of Sen. McCain’s foreign policy issues already in progress, where Gov. Palin is about to say something embarrassing.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 4

08d: Anne Hathaway / The Killers

Vice Presidential Debate

Gwen Ifill…..Queen Latifah
Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey
Sen. Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on exterior, Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri ]

[ dissolve to moderator Gwen Ifill ]

Gwen Ifill: Good evening, I’m Gwen Ifill… and welcome to Washington University in St. Louis Missouri for the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate between the Republican nominee, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, and the Democratic nominee, Joe Biden of Delaware. Let’s welcome the candidates.

[ applause as the two candidates emerge from the wings and greet one another at the center of the stage ]

Gov Sarah Palin: Hey, can I call you, “Joe”?

Sen. Joe Biden: Of course.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Okay, ’cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you “Joe”!

Sen. Joe Biden: Okay, great!

[ the two candidates take their respective podiums ]

Gwen Ifill: Now, tonight’s discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters. Each candidate will have ninety seconds to respond to a direct question, and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up. As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond “Do you agree?” or “Your response?”, so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book… [ she holds up her book ] “The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama”, coming out on Inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.com. And, finally, we would like to remind our audience that, due to the historically low expectations for Governor Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit… you should consider the debate a tie. [ Palin nods in agreement ] All right, let’s begin. Senator Biden, how, as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?

Sen. Joe Biden: Well, I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it’s been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle. Like I’ve done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because, look, I LOVE John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But, at the same time, he’s also dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let’s be frank, John McCain — and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for — is bad at his job and is mentally unstable. As my mother would say, “God love him, but he’s a raging maniac…” and a dear, dear friend.

Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin. How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis?

Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, first of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden! And, may I say, up close your hair plugs don’t look nearly as bad as everyone says! You know, John McCain and I, we’re a couple of mavericks. And, gosh darnit, we’re gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we’re gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that’s plaguin’ this great country of ours!

Gwen Ifill: How will you solve the financial crisis by being a maverick?

Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, we’re gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we’re gonna ask ourselves, “What would a maverick do in this situation?” And then, you know, we’ll do that! [ she winks coyly ]

Gwen Ifill: Senator Biden, how would your administration address the current financial crisis?

Sen. Joe Biden: Barack Obama and I understand that we need to regulate Wall Street. John McCain voted against Wall Street regulation 41 times. Let me repeat that. 41 times! And, again, this is a man I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life on a desert island with only ONE other person it would be John McCain — no doubt about it. I mean, you should see the way my face lights up when he walks into a room. But the fact is, John McCain has voted with George Bush 90% of the time, let me say that again: time.

Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, would you like to respond to Senator Biden’s comments about Senator McCain?

Gov. Sarah Palin: No thank you, but I would like to talk about bein’ an outsider. You see, while Senator Biden has been in Washington all these years, I’ve been with regular people. Hockey moms and Joe Six-packs, and I’d also like to give a shout out to the third graders of Gladys Woods Elementary who were so helpful to me in my debate prep. Also, too, you see, I think a bit differently from an insider. I don’t think it’s patriotic to pay more taxes. I don’t think it’s patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin’ on. I do think it’s patriotic to tell the government, “Hey, get outta my way! Stop tryin’ to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter!” But a Washington insider like Joe Biden probably disagrees.

Sen. Joe Biden: You know I get a little tired of being told I’m an insider. I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania! And that’s as hard-scrabble a place as you’re gonna find. I’ll show you around some time and you’ll see. It’s a hellhole! An absolute jerkwater of a town! You couldn’t stand to spend a weekend there. It is just an awful, awful sad place filled with sad, desperate people with no ambition! Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me, has ever come out of that place! It’s a genetic cesspool! So don’t be telling me that I’m part of the Washington elite, because I come from the absolute WORST place on Earth: Scranton, Pennsylvania! And Wilmington, Delaware is not much better.

Gwen Ifill: Senator Palin, address your position on global warming and whether you think it’s man-made or not.

Gov. Sarah Palin: Gwen, we don’t know if this climate change hoozie-what’s-it is man-made or if it’s just a natural part of the “End of Days”. But… I’m not gonna talk about that, I would like to talk about taxes, because, with Barack Obama, you’re gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get maverick-y in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that. And ,also, too, the great Ronald Reagan. [ she nods proudly for the reference ]

Gwen Ifill: The next question is for you, Senator Biden. Do you support, as they do in Alaska, granting same-sex benefits to couples?

Sen. Joe Biden: I do. In an Obama-Biden administration, same-sex couples would be guaranteed the same property rights, rights to insurance, and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples. There will be NO distinction. I repeat, NO distinction.

Gwen Ifill: So, to clarify, do you support gay marriage, Senator Biden?

Sen. Joe Biden: Absolutely not! But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital. And, in a lot of ways, that’s just as good, if not better.

Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, would you extend same-sex rights to the entire country?

Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, I would be afraid of where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don’t think I don’t tolerate gay people. Because I do. I tolerate them with all my heart. And I know quite a few, too. Not personally. But I know of them. I’ve seen “Ellen”. Oh! And there was this one girl on my college basketball team. She wasn’t officially “a gay”, but, you know, we were pretty sure.

Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, what is your position on Healthcare regulation?

Gov. Sarah Palin: I’m gonna ignore that question and instead talk about Israel. I love Israel so much. Bless its heart. There’s a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are going to say that I’m only saying that to pander to Florida voters, but, from a very young age, my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food.

Gwen Ifill: I would now like to give each of you a chance to make a closing statement.

Gov. Sarah Palin: [ holding a flute ] Are we not doing the talent portion? [ she plays the flute anyway, then winks coyly ]

[ Ifill stares at Palin for a moment, then turns to address Biden ]

Gwen Ifill: Senator Biden, your closing statement?

Sen. Joe Biden: My goal tonight was a simple one. To come up here and at no point seem like a condescending, egomaniacal bully. And I’m gonna be honest, I think I nailed it. Sure there were moments when I wanted to say, “Hey, this lady is a dummy!” But I didn’t! Because Joe Biden is better than that. I repeat: Joe Biden… [ he acknowledges himself ] is better… than that. [ he points to Palin, who waves ] So to all of the pundits who said I would seem cocky or arrogant… you dopes got schooled, Biden-style!

Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin?

Gov. Sarah Palin: I liked being here tonight, answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream gotcha media with their “follow-up questions”, “fact-checking”, or “incessant need to figure out what your words mean and why ya put them in that order”. I’m, uh — I’m happy to be speaking directly to the American people to let them know if you want an outsider who doesn’t like politics as usual or pronouncin’ the “g” and the end of the words she’s sayin’ I think you know who to vote for. Oh, and for those Joe Six-packs out there playing a drinking game at home — Maverick. [ she mimes popping a beer can pull tab, throws one back, and smiles ]

Gwen Ifill: Well, this concludes tonight’s debate. The book drops November 4th, and, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 4

08d: Anne Hathaway / The Killers

I’m Not Gay

Marcus…..Jason Sudeikis
Amber…..Anne Hathaway
Jerome…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior, apartment, as a Man enters from the bedroom carrying a box and approaches his female roommate, who has been packing a separate box ]

Amber: That’s it from the bedroom.

Marcus: Mmm-hmm!

Amber: [ sorrowful ] I can’t believe I’m really moving out.

Marcus: [ with a lisp ] It’s been an amazing five years! And I will cherisss… every moment!

Amber: Hmm… it seems like only yesterday I responded to your ad on Craigslist.

Marcus: Oh! you know, I only use use Craiglist to find anonymous male partners — who knew I’d find… a best friend, too?

Amber: [ she laughs ] And, if I remember correctly, a few anonymous male partners! [ she playfully pokes his stomach ]

Marcus: Weelllllll…!

[ she laughs, as Jerome swaggers into the apartment ]

Jerome: Well! I’m glad SOMEONE’s having a good time, while I’m doing all the heavy lifting!

Marcus: Sorry, Sweetie!

Amber: Sorry, Jerome. [ she lifts her box ] These are the last two — I promise!

Jerome: Fine. Say your goodbyes, but you’d better not make my man cry.

[ Marcus and Jerome kiss on the lips, then Jerome exits with the two boxes, receiving a playful pat on the ass as he departs ]

Marcus: Well… [ he takes her hands ] I guess this is it! [ he fends back a tear ] I am going to miss you!

Amber: Ohhhh, Marcus… [ she hugs him ] Marcus.

[ Marcus stares into her eyes for a moment, then forcily leans in to kiss her on the lips ]

Amber: Marcus!! Marcus!! [ she laughs uncomfortably ] What are you doing?

Marcus: Come on, one kiss!

Amber: Whoa, whoa, Marcus — you’re GAY! Stop!

Marcus: [ a beat ] Actually… I’m not! [ he laughs ]

Amber: What? But..? Oh… yeah! Right! Like I’m gonna believe that! Mister “I Know Every single Song in “A Chorus Line” — I Have A Boyfriend!” I mean, come on — look, even the way you talk!

Marcus: It’s not how I really talk.

Amber: What?

Marcus: [ in a deeper voice ] It’s not how I really talk!

Amber: [ stunned, she backs away ] Oh, my God!

Marcus: [ laughing ] I know, I know — BUS-TED!! I know!

Amber: [ uneasily, as she fingers her hair ] What else have you lied about?

Marcus: Ummmm — well, I’m not really a hairstylist. [ she gasps ] Yeah.

Amber: But you cut my hair!

Marcus: Yeah, I got really lucky with that! [ he mimes using scissors ] Yeah, you know — I just kinda got good at it! It’s not too hard, actually. [ he chuckles ]

Amber: So… wait! When we would dance —

Marcus: Yeah?

Amber: And you would get erections —

Marcus: Right, right… That was NOT because of a disease — I made that up.

Amber: But… according to Wikipedia, bonerplasia afflicts —

Marcus: No, no — I know! I know! No, I wrote that page! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that’s why it’s so conversational in tone, and… your name’s in it.

Amber: But I’ve… walked in on you… having sex with… dozens of men…

Marcus: Yeah! You gotta sell it. You gotta sell it! If you’re gonna lie to someone, for five years, you GOTS to sell it!

Amber: Oh, my God! Does Jerome know?!

Marcus: Uh — well —

[ Jerome re-enters the apartment ]

Jerome: Ooh, well, I’m off to rehearse with my Village People cover band.

Marcus: Yeah, I, uh — I told her I wasn’t gay, Jerry.

Jerome: [ slumps his shoulders in defeat ] Oh. Well, that’s cool. I’m gonna split, dude.

Marcus: [ low-fives him ] Alright, bro. [ they hug in as heterosexual manner as they can ] Where are you headed off to?

Jerome: I’m gonna go rehearse with my Village People cover band.

Marcus: Oh, right! Right!

[ Jerome exits the apartment in a dejected manner ]

Marcus: Good — good friend.

Amber: Sooooo… you pretended to be gay —

Marcus: Yeah.

Amber: For five years —

Marcus: Yes!

Amber: In the hopes that someday we would kiss?

Marcus: [ mulls it over ] Yeah, when you say it like that, it’s not a great plan, is it? [ he laughs in spite of himself, as she retreats away ] Oh, come on! Come on! Okay, okay! Stop, stop! [ she stops ] Don’t you get it, amber? I mean, don’t you see? Being your gay friend was — I don’t know — the only way I had a CHANCE with you! And, even though I — I don’t know — nothing ever happened between us, and I had to sleep with somewhere between… thirty or forty dudes… I, uh — yeah. I regret NOTHING! [ she looks at him, almost sympathetic ] Well, maybe thirty of forty things…

[ she turns away, disgusted ]

Marcus: [ singing, as the lights dim ]
“Kiss today goodbyyyyyye!
The sweetness… and the sorroooooowww!
Wish me luck — the same, to yooooooouuuuu!
But I can’t regret, what I did for loooooove!”

Together: [ singing ] “What I did, fooooorrrr, looooovvvvvvvveeee!!”

[ the lights come back on ]

Amber: [ smiling ] I don’t regret anything, either!

Marcus: [ nodding ] It might have been closer to fifty — fifty dudes, I think, actually…

[ they both shrug away the concern and hug joyously ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts